Modern Family S9E16 Script

Wine Weekend (2018)

Obviously, this is the living room.

There's a fully stocked bar in the den, and the home theater is downstairs.

Wow. So, your boss launches one style website and she can afford all of this?

I wish "1950s closeted father" was a look people were clamoring for.

Oh, it is not that simple.

The formula for NERP is very specific... former actress plus confidence based on nothing equals millions in sales of iffy wellness products.

We should get her a gift for letting us stay here, but what do you give someone who's researching charcoal toothbrushes in Sri Lanka?

Oh, actually, she's judging a placenta-cooking contest in Minsk.

Maybe we should stay away from the fridge.

So, we're in wine country.

When does the wine tasting start, because I can use it after the public bashing I've had to endure.

Here we go. No more boo-hooing, Manny.

The review wasn't that bad.

He called my portrayal of Inspector Poirot

"unconvincing," "not believable,"

"hard to buy," and "ironically redundant".

Hey, Mitch, Cam, now that you guys have had a chance to sleep on my performance, what did you think?

It was a tricky part. Yeah, and I don't blame you.

I blame whoever cast you.


Okay, a couple more things.

Finally, the closet part of the tour.

My boss left each of you a very special robe.

They minimize inflammation and gently exfoliate your skin whilst you wear them.

That's weird. I only see six robes.

That's what's weird about them?

Oh, one last thing...

Do not touch the tiara on display in the drawing room.

It is very delicate.

Got it?

Sorry, honey. You're just... You're doing that thing where you look like a really intense baby deer.

Oh, the scarier you try to be, the more adorable you are. I know!

Whatever. I have, like, a million errands to run for my boss.

Hang on. Since, uh, no one's called dibs on the master bedroom, I assume it's up for grabs.

Oh, actually, there are only three guest bedrooms upstairs, so you'll have to sleep in there, okay?

The maid's quarters?

But I'll be right next to the creaky do...

You know, if you want, I can put some oil on that. Oh, no, no, no. Don't.

These are traditional Tibetan creaking hinges.

We need those.

*MODERN FAMILY* Season 09 Episode 16 Episode Title: "Wine Weekend"

Whoa. Go easy. Trust me, Dad.

Right now, I could really use this.

I love Phil.

Let's just get that out of the way first, but he has these bear slippers.

I don't know where they came from, probably the same place that sells pinky rings and other things that make it difficult to see your husband as a sexual being.

Oh, my gosh. I don't think, I'm allowed here in my bare feet.

Fortunately, I have a tactic for getting rid of things that I hate.

I suggest that Phil brings them on vacation, and then I forget to repack them.


Dollar-sign necktie...

I flung it over Niagara Falls.

The belt buckle with "Pimp" in crystals?

Chucked it in the Grand Canyon.

Huh. I wonder if that's what Gloria did to my denim vest in the Galápagos.

I just gotta sneak out tonight and disappear those bear slippers in the woods.

Am I a terrible person?

No, but there might be a pattern of desecrating national parks you might want to look at.

That's enough, Chubs.

What are you doing?

Stella's been severely depressed because her best friend, Norman, the next-door neighbor's dog, just died.

She won't even do her favorite trick anymore.


Stella, speak.

Speak. Like you're saying "Hello".

Hellooo! Hel-Hellooo!


I wanted to bring Stella on the trip to cheer her up.

She never sees seasons, but Gloria wanted one night with just the two of us in bed, so I did the only sensible thing.

You left her at home with a dog sitter?

Checked her in the hotel down the road.

I'm trying to get some wine in Gloria so she passes out early and I can sneak off and feed Stella.

The hotel down the road? You mean the Ritz?

I had points. Calm down.

Oh, how cool. This is both an opener and a stopper.


Oh, I guess what it does for bottles, it also does for conversations.

Wait, is that... Ronaldo!


What a surprise.

And who is this?

I always assumed I was your sexiest Latin friend.

This is Gloria. Gloria, Ronaldo.

Bolivian? Guatemalan.

Venezuelan? Colombian.

Mm-hmm. Not sure what this is.

Um, so w-what are you doing in town?

Oh, just picking up some wine for a party I'm catering... at Oprah Winfrey's.

What? Stop it!

Oh, what, is that a big deal? Don't you be coy.

You know the power dynamic just shifted between us.

If you want, I can get you two into the party.

Get out! You would do that for us?

Only because I like you so much.

I like you so much, too!

That was a quick thaw.

It can only be the two of you, though. No Cameron.

Pepper would kill me.

Right. Cam's in a feud with Ronaldo's husband over what type of cracker belongs on a cheese platter. Water cracker.

The cheese is the star.

This isn't our fight. No.

I have to run. I'll text you the address.

Okay. Bye-bye.

Can you believe this? We're going to a party at Oprah's.

What if we become friends with her?

What if we get our own TV show?

Who's gonna pick up Joe from school?!

Gloria... we'll have drivers.

Tuesday Company! Tuesday Company!

Cam, Mitch, Claire, and I signed up for a hip-hop class.

We knew it was legit when they asked us to graffiti our names on the sign-up wall.

Right leg, come on.

Unh. Wrap those arms, come on.

Unh. Unh.

And yah!

I like it. Nice job, everybody!

Great. That's great.

Hey, Sho Nuff. Bomb class.

Yeah, yeah. Really sick.

Hey, man. You two were hitting it hard out there.

I was really believing your movements.

Are you... saying we brought it?

I'm saying y'all crushed it.

Keep it up. All right?

Okay. Hit it.

All right. There you go.

Cameron? Philip?

Did you hear that? You mean when our dance instructor told us we were basically street-dance superstars?

Did you notice how he singled us out?

He didn't even mention Mitch or Claire.

It's like he's saying they're holding us back.

Okay. You know what? We need to shed our dead-weight spouses.

There is nobody I would rather impress more than Sho Nuff. True dat.

No, True Dat's just the DJ. I don't care what he thinks.

Turns out, Cam and I make tremendous dance partners.

Our bodies are so in tune, it's like we finish each other's... sequences.

Phil starts a move, and I instinctually complete it.

And, yeah, it's as powerful as it sounds.

Oh, my gosh. Did you ever think a farm boy from Missouri and... and a real-estate agent from Key West, Florida, would get the opportunity to audition for the prestigious Tuesday Company?

And it only costs slightly more than regular classes.

We could be the greatest masters-level hip-hop duo since Pump Up and The Jam! I know!

Callback's tomorrow, so we'll have to sneak out tonight for a final rehearsal. You...

You brought the outfit in case we got it, right?

"In case"? Good one, Phil.

I'm having a hard time resisting dancing with joy, are you?

Me-Meet at the grapes. Okay.

Man, it took forever to find a parking spot.

I could really use a sip of a chewy Cabernet.

You can't drink. You have to stay sober to drive the rest of us home.

Wait, is that why I'm here? To be the designated driver?

If you need a title, sure.

Okay, the front door's too loud.

We can get to the driveway this way.

Aah! I look like Miss Universe.

What are you doing? Haley said not to touch that.

Ow! Let me see.

Clean cut.

Those are real diamonds! Leave 'em. Come on.

Cam, walk this way. Oh. Ooh, ooh, ooh!

Mixing metals is very in-fashion right now.

No, no. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

In 18 hours, Sho Nuff is gonna be rating our dance skills on a scale of one to "Dayum"! Come on!

All right. All right.

Butt... here.

Just one more treat.


Shh. We'll just do this quick.

Shh. Here you go.

Ha! Gorgeous!

Dad? Oh!

Oh! I thought you were Gloria.

Wh-Why is Stella here?

I was going to feed her at the hotel... she's clearly in a bad way.

She trashed the room.

It looked like The Who was staying there.

So, I'm gonna stash her in the guesthouse, brush her fur until she goes to sleep.



I am prom queen?!

It's not... It's not Ashley Walls who got the pity vote after her car accident?

Thank you.

Thank you.

Okay. Now we need to be strategic if we're gonna hit all of Oprah's important rooms, okay?

Her home office, her gift-wrapping room, her temperature-controlled vault of cozy sweaters.

But what if Gayle is there?

Do we stop to talk to her?

No. No Gayle. There's no time.

Okay, that-that's the third house in this compound that we passed.

How will we know when we get to Oprah's actual hou...

Oh, my God.



♪ Stop the beat ♪

♪♪ I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry.

I was a beat early on the booty drop. No, no, no.

It was me. I was a beat late on the chest pop.

It's weird, but I'm... I'm nervous.

I am, too. But you know what?

We... We just have to relax and remember we're... we're just a couple guys dancing.

Who are we kidding?!

Getting Tuesday Company would be epic!

I know! We get our own cubbies.

We don't have to throw our keys and wallet in the corner anymore.

Didn't the Tuesdoggs perform at the WNBA All-Star Game last year?

It would be life-changing, but we have to stop talking about how great it would be.

That's what's throwing us off. Right.

For now, it's... We're just... Hey. Hey.

Here's two guys... Dancing.

We're dancing. Yeah. We're dancing.

Let's take it from the top. All right. Yep.

Five, six, seven, eight, and...

And that's my bad.


Where have you been? I turned around and you were gone.

I was in Oprah's bed!

Guess her sleep number. I don't have to.

I touched her. I touched Oprah! What?!

Well, technically, I brushed the edge of her gown with my finger.

But look... my cut's magically healed.

And I heard they have baby elephants carrying everyone to the south lawn to see a living chess match. Let's go!

Wait, no, Gloria. Gloria, Come on.

We said we'd only stay for an hour.

We have to get back to our normal lives.

But how?! I know.

Leave them.

Take it from me... if you get a second chance at love, you grab it.

After the trauma of losing her best friend, Norman, Stella's veil of depression was lifted by the promise of new romance.

She realized she could love again.

You can't separate them, Claire.

I'm taking that slipper home with me.

And risk Phil seeing it the next time we're at your house? Forget it.

Stella's had her fun. This is over.

Why is this so hard for you to accept?

Is it because it's a dog and a slipper?


My bad.

Again. No, no. No, no.

That's on me. I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm still in my head.

Let's face it, Cam. This isn't about nerves.

It's about me losing whatever spark I once had.

It's like someone sucked the funk right out of me!

No, I'm the problem. It's like I've lost the key to the lock on my pop.

Just... go on without me.

I'm holding you back! I mean, nuff is nuff.

Maybe Rob Base was wrong. It takes one to make a thing go right.

Is it possible... Just say it.

That we're just Monday dancers?

Is it better?

No, I'm still getting a hint of elephant.

Get out. W... I'm just being honest.

No, we have to push the car the last 50 feet to the house... so that they don't hear us coming.

I feel like some of Oprah's strength must've rubbed off on me.

I bet I could carry this car up.

Are you sure this is in neutral?

What is this?!

Did you steal this candy dish from Oprah's house?

Aah! It has her initials engraved.

I couldn't help it. I wanted a souvenir.

But you said that we couldn't bring any evidence in here, and you didn't even let me take the party napkin that had a cartoon of her hugging children of many colors!

Okay, I'm sorry.

What if... What if we share custody of the candy dish?

Okay, fine.

But I get it for the holidays.


Oh, hey, sorry. I forgot my keys in the drawing room.

Okay, where did I put them?

They were right here, right?

And right where I thought I left them.

Wait a minute. What is that?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God! The tiara! It's cracked!

Who did this?!

I'll get to the bottom of this.

I don't care what some feeble-minded vulgarian says.

Manny Delgado knows how to play the role of an inspector.

I'll text everyone to come downstairs. Thank you.


Oh, no.

Oh, hell no.

Okay. Wait, wait, Dad. We need an excuse!

People are gonna wonder why we weren't in bed.

Um, tell them that, uh, uh...

Oh! We were on the balcony because we saw a moose.

That's dumb.

We'll tell them I'm heating up some milk for you in the kitchen because your stomach hurts.

Why? Because I was upset that I saw a moose?

Put this on.

I was early. I was late.

Hurry, hurry!

Whew! I'm still getting strong notes of elephant off of you.

You may have to cut off all your hair. No!

I'm sure you're wondering why I've gathered you all here.

Uh, the tiara's cracked. You told us in your text.

What I didn't tell you is that I've vowed to find out who's responsible.

Well, no, actually, you did. It was a fairly long...

Everyone's a suspect.

Don't look at me. I wasn't anywhere near it.

What a surprise... Phil feigning innocence.

You're just everyone's favorite Dad, right?

Where were you when you got my text?

Cam's, uh, stomach was upset, and I was warming up some milk for him.

Claire saw a moose. I did.

And that's why we were on the balcony when you texted us.

Well, Gloria and I were in the den.

I ran into her on my way out to my walk, and then we decided to watch the moon together.

The moon, huh?

Seems unlikely given tonight is moonless!

No matter.

So, did any of you go through this room at any point?

Sounds to me like everybody was inside doing whatever they were supposed to be doing.

That's odd because I found this door slightly open, which means one of you was outside.

When I find out who went out that door, quite sure I'll have my culprit.

Hey, what's that?

It appears to be two bottom halves of a gingerbread man melded together.

Uh, it looks like a bone. It's a dog treat.

No, it's a human treat, and it's shaped like a bone because it's full of calcium.

I was snacking on them earlier in the day and I must have dropped one.

Mmm, they're delicious.

And they're very good for you.

Checks out.

That's coming from upstairs!

No, outside.

Gloria, how did this happen?

I have a theory.

I once read about a moose that knocked a camper out of neutral.

Perhaps the moose Claire saw earlier did the same thing here.

The hood's warm. Then don't lean on it.

I admit it! Mitch and I... we were outside.

He wanted to talk to me about a problem he's having with Cam in the gay bedroom.

Oh, so when it's me, it's a problem.

When it's you, it's what happens when you work out too much.

It got cold, we went inside the car, I turned the heater on, and I must have accidentally knocked it into neutral.

So, it was all ready to roll when the moose showed up.

Hey, uh, what's this candy dish doing here?

Haley, please, I'm trying to think.

But it could be evidence.

What are the lights doing on in the tennis court?!

Now why would these chairs be out here, and how do they connect to the moose?

These footprints are in a... really weird pattern.

Why do these steps feel so familiar?

Cam and I were out here, um...

We were in the kitchen, and we heard a raccoon outside.

Yeah, yeah. So, we came out, we... we grabbed a couple chairs to... to... to scare it off.

We held... held them up like this, and, um, chased the raccoon, but it ran into some trash cans and we were like...

Oh! Oh!

And then, uh, it ran up the court this way... Yep.

And then back a couple of steps and then forward again and then it did a little spin. - Yeah.

Yep. That was it. And then it came back at us, and we were like...

Right, left. Right, right, Right, left. Right, right, body roll, and spin.

And then, it was just gone.

What the hell was that?

What is any of this? I can't make sense of these clues.

What kind of raccoon isn't scared off by the presence of a moose?

All we need to know is that Mitchell, Gloria, Cam, and Phil are the four and only suspects. Not only!

One at a time! Phil, go first.

Well, that's a lot of pressure.


What is that noise?

It's like a dog saying, "Hello."

Sounds to me like a California barking moose. It came from up there.


We were really in-sync talking through that raccoon chase.

It felt like maybe we had our timing back again.

It really did.

Maybe we forgot dance isn't about the fame or... or glory, but it's about telling a story that takes your audience on a journey that ebbs and flows.

Ebb and Flow.

I think we just found our hip-hop names.

Ohhh! Jay!

You brought Stella?! No!

She must have tracked us here.

What's that, girl?

What? We left the stove on?

Well, that was weird. Wait, wait. Whoa, whoa.

What is my slipper doing in here?

I'm not wrong. It's cold, huh?

Hey. Honey...

We need to talk about this.

Wow, um, Stella... She wants the slipper, Phil.

Oh, my God.

W-Why is Phil dressed like a Beastie Boy?

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

You two did hip-hop without us!

Okay, be-because you and Claire were holding us back.

Oh, please. We are just as good as you are.

It sounds like somebody wants a dance-off.

No. No one ever wants a dance-off.

Phil, why didn't you just tell me? Save it, Claire.

I know you put the hit out on my bear slippers.

Those are just very unsexy.

Oh, 'cause you always dress so sexy?

Let's check out this nightwear.

Luke's junior high gym shorts, and the drawstring is an old shoelace.

Well, at least I'm not one of those wives that spends a fortune on lingerie.

I mean, look, when the shoelace broke, I fixed it with a staple.

Well, why don't we add a little spice for our vacation?

I mean, Gloria wears a floor-length, beaded nightgown to bed.

Wait a second. No, she doesn't.

Oh! Yes.

It looked very comfortable on the website.

Wait a minute. Gloria was with Mitchell.

What have we got going on under here?!

Okay, where were you going looking so dapper?!

Dapper? Really? Aww...

Oh! Ooh! Manny. Manny!

Hey! Look what just fell out of Uncle Mitch's pocket!

A second candy dish...

Hold up. This is monogrammed.


You went to Michelle Obama's without me?

You went to Oprah Winfrey's without me?!

Gloria, is this true?

You know how I feel about Oprah. She changed my...

Excuse me.

She gave me the strength to change my own life!

Cam, you...

Stop. Stop!


Have we all forgotten that somebody cracked my boss's tiara?!

I could get fired!

Well, I touched it once, so I might have done it. I'll pay for it.

Hold on. Cam and I messed with it, too.

I put it on my hand. I tried it.

Me, too. Okay, okay, obviously, everybody monkeyed around with it, so we'll all chip in.


Yes! Thank you, guys.

Yeah, let's go to bed!

Listen, not to take Phil's side, but you could wash those shorts

'cause I'm getting a strong whiff of elephant.


Thanks for trying to help, Manny.

I guess we'll really never know who broke that tiara.

I broke the tiara.

I was alone at the house the night before doing a little private wine tasting.

I made a website, and I tell people how to live.

Get a latte enema.

Drink ocean water.



I knew if I said to my family, "Do not touch", one of those bozos would have to try it on and then think they cracked it themselves.

That's right. I'm a little smarter than people think.

But lucky, too. That moose almost ruined everything.

You know, there's no sense denying it.

Life, as we know it, has changed.

Yeah, yeah. From now on, you'll be dancing on Tuesdays.

Oh, Ronaldo's FaceTiming.

Hey, guys.

So, uh, listen.

Oprah knows about the candy dish.

I don't know what you're talking about.

There are cameras, Mitchell! You need to bring it back.

Where are you?

I'm still here at Oprah's, under my own free will.

And I will probably stay here in this tower until she gets her dish back.

It's quite meaningful. She stole it from... got it as a gift from Michelle Obama.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

We have Michelle Obama's candy dish.

Oprah Winfrey has our number.

Oh, ho, ho, ho, okay!