Modern Family S9E17 Script

Royal Visit (2018)

During your weekend here, you will explore ways, through yoga, breathing, and other mindful practices, to reconnect with yourself and your partner.

Also, for a small donation, we have an on-site shaman who can heal your chakras.

Small donation? Sounds like a "chakra con."

[cellphone chimes]Oh.

You're supposed to turn that off.

I'm sorry. It's work. Okay, so is a marriage.

You know, we traveled all this way. The least you could do is take this seriously.

I'm sorry. You're right.[cellphone chimes]

Oh, my God, that -- that crappy breakfast was $55.

For flax and berries. Yeah.

I thought this was supposed to be one fee up front, all in.

I wish youwere all in, Mitchell.

I'm sor-- I am.

Okay? Okay.

[bell chimes]That wasn't me.

I have invited the Tibetan Singing Bowl to ring, reminding us to all turn down the volume and find the beauty in silence.

[group cheering]

That was unfortunate.

My apologies. We happen to be next door to the Royals.

[gasps] Oh, my God, we just binged The Crown.

W-W-Which royals? William and Kate?

Harry and the Suitsgirl?

Actually, it's the Kansas City Royals. Spring training, their practice field is next door.[gasps]

Growing up a Royals fan, it was always my dream to see them at spring training.

So, I just decided, after the retreat was over, I'm just gonna swing by, you know, grab an autograph, maybe whisper an opinion in the manager's ear, be discovered as a great baseball mind.

Then the Yankees would come calling, and I'd have to choose between the team I love and the -- the big payout.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

RANDY: Not to worry. This is their last day of training, and they leave tonight.

Excuse me, question. Yes.

Yes, hi. Will we have an opportunity to explore these -- these beautiful grounds on our own?

Absolutely. Tomorrow at sunset.

After goat yoga.

Oh, my God! Can it get any worse?!



Arrgh! Ughh!

What are you doing? I grunted less when I was giving birth to Joe.

You were pushing six and a half pounds, I'm pushing 220.

You're dressing younger.

You're exercising.

You only had one breakfast this morning.

Who is she, Jay? I'll kill her.

Relax, would you? I'm just trying to get in shape.

Okay, but hurry, because we have to go and pick up Joe at the birthday party.

Wait a minute.

Is that what this is all about --

Henry's father?

I don't understand why you're so insecure just because he's younger, stronger, and more rugged than you are.

Go easy. I'm working on only one breakfast.

Joe won't shut up about his new friend's dad.

"Henry's dad is so tough." Who cares?

He was a stunt double in a couple of Bournemovies.

From the first time Joe went over there, that guy's been trying to prove how cool he is.

[tires screech]Joe! Let's go!

Heads up!

[engine revs]

What the hell?! -Yeah!

He's Jason Bourne!

That's make-believe.

Matt Damon's Jason Bourne.

Growing up, I thought my dad was the coolest.

And that made me feel good about myself.

I mean, I try to stay with it.

Exactly! Look at you, you even have a smart watch.

Yeah, the damn thing tells me when to stand up, when to breathe.[watch beeps]

Your body mass index is --

Nobody asked!

Which have more chromosomes, potatoes or humans?

Humans, right?



Oh, Krazy Kups, what can't you teach us?

Are you doing all this to impress Haley's boyfriend?

Haley's dating this genius astrophysics professor who's somehow making her smarter because, last week, I called Pluto a planet and Haley laughed at me.

In pity.

Haley. Haley.


Do we think that Haley is suited to a professor, because I more saw her with a Gilligan type?

Come on, now. Lots of happy couples aren't the exact same level of smart.

That's true.

We work. Yeah.


When you say, "We work," do you think you're smarter than me or I'm smarter than you?

I think I'm smart enough not to have this conversation.

Oh, my God!

You do! You think you're smarter than me!

Okay, hotshot. How many patents do you have?

Headscratcher TM, Aspirin Gun, Polite Car Horn that'll put an end to road rage.

[high-pitched] Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.

Can we just not get into a whole thing before this lunch?

What lunch? I just ate a pie.

Your sister is dating a professor of astrophysics, and he's coming here today to meet us.

Oh, good, someone to talk to.

I'm tired of dumbing it down for you chuckle-heads.

Bill, are you on your way?

Stay in the car. I'll meet you outside.

It was hard for me when Haley started dating Arvin, my professor and science hero and... okay, fine, crush.

I was so upset, I went home, and I may have overindulged... on Bagel Bites.[microwave beeps]

[smoke alarm ringing]


-Aah! -It's okay. You're safe.

But I'm gonna need you to come with me.

I don't really think you need --


He was like a superhero.

Is that your dad?

A beautiful... not-so-smart superhero.

The last thing I wanted was Professor Fennerman finding out I was dating a dummy.

A sweet, chiseled dummy.

Alex, you didn't mention you've got a firefighter boyfriend.

Yeah! It's great.

"Take that, you fire." We gotta go.

Oh, but your parents just invited me to stay for lunch.


By the way, you look way younger than your poster.

We really should get going before we -- we miss our -- our plans and stuff, right? Oh.

Yeah. Uh, yeah...

Alex! I didn't know you were joining us for lunch.

Oh! No, no.

My -- My friend and I have some plans we really can't get out of.

Oh, no, I could totally just show you Backdraftlater.

It's my brother's DVD. He doesn't even know I took it.

So... Mom, Dad, this is Arvin.

Hello, Arvin. It's a pleasure to meet you.

Yes, you are the first TED Talkin' science superstar we've ever had in our house. Mm-hmm.

Well, as long as I'm a "superstar" and not a supernova.



You don't even know what you're laughing at.

I get it.I got it more.

I don't get it, but, uh, you sound like Austin Powers, man.

Wow. Henry's dad did such a great job with the birthday party for the kids, huh?

"Henry's dad." "Henry's dad."

I took Joe to see African Queen in CinemaScope.

Oh, hey. Good to see you again, Jay.

GLORIA: Hi.Hi, I'm Clay.

I'd shake your hand, but I'm a little banged up.

I feel out of a five-story building this morning, into a net.

He fell out of bed this morning.

Ah. Hey, honey.

Come down and meet these guys.

-Oh, hey! -[chuckling] Wow.

Welcome. I'm Jenny, Henry's mom.

Joe's parents -- Jay, Gloria.

Hi. Gloria.

Mama! Henry's mom just did the wall so fast!

You try it.

Oh, I climb already into these heels this morning.

It's too much for me today.

I'm going up again!


Oh, I used to love wearing shoes like that.

But after marching around in combat boots for two years, I made a deal with my feet I would never hurt them again.

[laughter]My beautiful wife did two tours in Iraq.

Oh.Wow, Gloria, you're not that different.

Yesterday, she did two tours of a sales rack.


Help! I'm too high!

Oh. Go ahead, just jump, buddy. I'll catch ya.

But your sciatica!

I'm on it.

What is the hurry? He's on a rope.

She's making quite a meal out of this.Yeah.

[cheers and applause]


Thank you, Jenny. You're so cool.

Ah, look at that, Gloria. She saved him.

Just like she saved America.

Can I have some more cake? Jenny made it.

I used to cook for my squadron.

You've done so many great things that you keep telling us about.


Here we are -- our sensory deprivation tanks will disconnect you from the world and connect you with yourselves.

Okay, so, this looks a little coffin-y.

So, I'm not so sure. About my husband.

He had an MRI last year, and he sort of freaked out.

So, do you have anything bigger, like, an indoor pool or a -- a family tank?

Okay, Mitchell, I'm -- I'm fine.

We're here to evolve and grow... Well...

So, the float lasts for one hour, during which most people simply experience a deep, relaxed state.

Most people? What -- What about the rest?

What -- What do they experience?

Okay, a-are these scratches on this lid here?Oh, come on, Mitchell.

The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all.

Very well put.

He didn't make that up. It's from Mulan.

Our daughter made us watch it a thousand times.

Well, I -- Well, I'm lashing!

[laughs] Okay, maybe we should just float.

Yeah, let's just float.Yeah, okay.


[water trickling]

[exhales shakily]

I tried to relax in there, I really did.

But it was difficult.

I-I guess because I felt like I was, um --

Oh, what's the word?


But I got past that, only to start reliving every mistake I have ever made, like when I went to an Oscar party and I said

"Bett" Davis in front of a room full of vicious gays.

Honestly, the only thing that kept me in there was the knowledge that Cam was right next door.

Go Royals! I-I love you!

It was a solid plan -- just go for a quick peek, take some pictures, run back, splash some water in my hair, "Oh, Mitchell, isn't floating so relaxing?"

[indistinct shouting]

[bat clangs]

Got it!

Nice catch.

Oh. That was good.

Oh, my gosh. Uh, M-Mr. Brett. I didn't know you would be here.

Hi. Call me George.Oh, George.

Yeah, how are ya?Uh, good. My name's Cameron.

Nice to meet you, Cam.

Nice to meet you. Been a fan for --

Hey, do you mind if I get a picture?

Not at all. Not at all.

300 bucks, how's that sound?

I'm retired.

300?I'm just kidding.

Oh. [both laugh]

Come on, it's free.

Okay -- Ow!

[both laugh]

Alright.[cellphone camera clicks]

There it is. There they are! Oh, my God!There ya go! There ya go!

Well, listen, I don't want to take up too much of your time.

Thank you s--

I got all the time in the world.

I'm not playing. I'm just coaching. Ohh.

Okay. Yeah. Come here.

Let me tell you the story about the Pine Tar game.

Oh, wow! You wanna hear that?

Sure. Come on.

Okay. But first, let me tell you about --

I'm gonna tell you about dinner the night before. Oh.

You must be the genius boyfriend.

That is what the guys call me.

They're always, like, you know, "Hey, genius." I'm like, "Hey, guys."

So, tell me, are there aliens?

You kidding? 100%.

Oh, I knew it. Wait, and the zombiepocalypse?

Dude, I tell everyone, "Start building up an immunity to zombie bites. Now."

I'm so glad we talked.

Um. Sorry for the interruption.

Everything okay?

Well, the short story is, yes.

The -- The long story is, the theory on which I've based much of my career has just been disproven.

What? Your Vacuum Energy Density Theory? I'm -- I'm so sorry.

Me, too.

That was the density theory I thought really worked.

Really, Phil, what was your second choice?

Well, that's all part of the process, isn't it?

My theory actually invalidated someone else's. Mm.

He jumped off a building -- just very dramatic.

But, well, I'm British. So, no worries.


What smells so good?Uh. Uh, it's the chicken!

So, Bill, you are a firefighter?

Yeah, my three favorite things are helping people, sliding down poles, and hanging off trucks, so I figured might as well make a career out of it.

Well, it's good that your favorite things weren't chloroform, duct tape, and windowless vans.


Claire, the joke is he'd be a kidnapper.

I got it.

You know, Phil used to think it was "duck" tape.

[laughs] Like, duck.

Claire didn't understand the ending of La La Land.

Sorry. They're not normally like this.

Clearly, they're going through something they can't even drop for one important lunch.

They're arguing over who's smarter, and there's only one way to settle it.

Another time, in the presence of a marriage counselor?

Nope. Brain Battle.

No. No, we're not doing that right now.

I'm so sorry, Arvin. We're being silly.

"How many presidents died in office?"

-Eight. -Six.

The correct answer is eight.

Ha! Ha! Damn it. Give me another one.

Why was six afraid of seven?

'Cause seven, eight, nine.


You know, like he "ate" it.

"Who wrote Moby-Dick?"

Herman Munster. HermanMunster.

Herman Melville.Melville!

"How many moons does Jupiter have?"

Oh, is it alright if I take this one?Mm-hmm.

27. 67.

Hmm? No, that's -- that's wrong.

67 is Uranus and Jupiter's 27, right, Alex?

Actually, no.

But it's a simple mistake, though.

You just flipped them.

Well, this is mortifying, isn't it?

I have a doctorate in astrophysics. Idiot.

First, some puffed-up Swedes invalidate my life's work.

And then I'm bested by a little bedtime gurgle cup!

I'm sorry. I'm going to need a moment.

67 moons. What an idiot.


Well, all's I know is the Earth only has one moon and I saw a documentary and, uh, we didn't even land on it.

Oh, my God, stop talking.

You know, you're being kind of mean.

I'm gonna need a moment, too.

This is why I don't bring boyfriends home.

Why didn't you ask me before inviting him to lunch?

"This Paul Newman character had a 'cool hand'?"

Luke! Yep.

Counts! Counts.

Henry's dad climbed the wall with one hand! It was awesome!

Yeah, well, his career rides on Matt Damon not doing any artsy, think-y movies, so I wouldn't count on Henry going to your school much longer.[siren chirps]

[tires screech, siren wailing]

What the hell? I made that light.

Oh, geez. Another ticket.

Henry's mom drove a tank!

Henry's mom! Henry's mom!

[engine revs]What are you doing, Gloria?

I want to see Henry's mom do this!

[tires screech]

[siren wailing]

Yay! He's chasing us!

This feels like a bad idea.

Okay, too late, because I'm already committed!

[watch beeps] Heart rate -- high.

Heart rate -- high.What is the plan, Gloria?

We're going to the mall!

You know I tease you about your shopping, but you do have a problem.

[tires screech]

Okay. Get down and don't move.

That's gonna be tough. I can smell Cinnabon.


Where have you been? Oh, hey.

I just stayed in the tank a little -- a little extra.

How -- What a great experience.

Just being alone with yourself -- Oh!

Oh, I was never alone.

I-I saw the face of every bully, I replayed every humiliation --

Okay. Is this about "Bett" Davis again?

Okay, we had just watched Ruthless People.

You're thinking Midler. You gotta let it go.

I know. I'm -- I'm gonna try.

But as scared as I was in there, I kept thinking about how you're the one person who makes me feel safe.

And it -- it made me want to be a better husband... Aww. be more present, to be more understanding, to --

Why's -- Why's your face red?Oh, is it?

Yeah. Is it?

Oh, just probably 'cause of the toxins, you know --

And your arms, too, but only up to the --

You have a farmer's tan.

What have I told you about that expression? I can say it, but --

Oh, my -- T-That's why you're burned.

You went Royal watching!

I was only gonna stay for a second, but George Brett --

George -- George Brett cornered me.

Who? And you know how I am with famous people.

I can't say "No."

Remember when I spent the entire day at the pool with Downtown Julie Brown?

You shamed me into coming here only to leave me soaking in a -- in a bowl of trauma soup?

Okay, whoa, whoa. W-What happened about be-- being more understanding?

I-I can't believe you're turning this into my fault.

This is so like you, Cam. This --

Hello, again.

Please follow me to your guided silent meditation.

Before we begin, the chef has asked me to reassure everyone that there's nothing wrong with the tempeh.

It's supposed to taste that way.


Deep breath. In through the nose.

Out through the mouth.

Only in silence can we be truly present.

But be prepared -- errant feelings may arise.

Anxiety, doubt, anger...

Now, take a breath and let those feelings pass like clouds in the sky.

The tension is melting away.

That's it.

Live in this moment of serenity and stillness.

We're so accustomed to going, going, going.

But we need to just stop.

Ask yourself the important questions.

Are you running away from difficult feelings?

[no audio]

Are you holding on to petty grievances?

Are you being the best you?

It's not too late to find your way back.

To the light, to forgiveness, to love.

It was amazing.

There were no words, but I could feel Cam taking full responsibility for our fight.

Total silence, but Mitchell's eyes said, "It's all on me."

You know, "I was wrong. What would I do without you?"

It was a beautiful weekend.

Plus, George Brett signed my ball.


Oh, "To Cam, all my best wishes, George Brett.

P.S. We are not done with this"?


Did you write on my ball?!

Hey, where's Bill?

I don't know. He's probably outside.

When he gets agitated, he likes to climb stuff.

That lunch was insane. Can you believe Mom and Dad?

No, and, uh, I can't believe you, either.

You're so mean to Bill.

What do you have against hot people?

What did we ever do to you? You lost me.

You're gonna blow it with that guy, and he's really nice.

Why do you have to make him feel so dumb?

Okay, you don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, yes, I do.

Because it's the same way you've always treated me.

It sucks.

You know what Arvin never does?

Makes me feel less smart than him.

So, who cares if Bill's not a member of Menses?

Look, this is the first boyfriend you've ever had that is age appropriate, employed, and doesn't look like he's dying on a ship.

I wouldn't say "boyfriend."

He's more like a guilty pleasure.

Guilty or not, that's the first time I've ever heard you describe a guy as a "pleasure."

Bill, I'm sorry!

BILL: All good, babe.

You're the one fire I can't put out.

Well, also grease is pretty tricky.



Arvin, hi. Are you okay?

Yeah. Oh, yes. Yes.


I-I'm -- I'm just a-a little embarrassed.

We're the ones who should be embarrassed.

We just made lunch so tense and weird.

Yeah. Well, I'm --

I'm not terribly adept at handling failure.

My parents are both overachieving academics -- a doctor of philosophy and a -- a doctor of mathematics.

Oh. Wow!

And Father is a doctor of medicine and a doctor of economics.

Yeah. I'm sorry. I-I just need to shake it off.

You know, stiff-upper-lip it.

[chuckles] Yeah, it's fine.

Can we just pretend it never happened?


No, failure sucks.

It's okay to feel bad.

Yeah, wallow a little. Eat some ice cream.

Day drink, that's how you come out the other side.

[clicks tongue]

You're -- You're like the inverse of my parents.

Except the drinking.

They're pickled most of the day.

Well, you're not in their house.

This is House Dunphy -- We fail here.

Right. I mean, today our whole goal was to impress you. We made fools of ourselves.

I have a magic shop that's bleeding money -- thousands.

What? It's fine.

Hey, what's all this, then? Oh, whoa.

Did I get that from you? Am I becoming Madonna?

Your parents were actually being quite lovely.

Thank you for taking the time.

Oh, and my parents' walls may be adorned with nothing but degrees and awards, but they don't have one tenth of your emotional intelligence.

Aww! Thank you.

But would you say it's an absolutely equal emotional...If you had to pick a winner --

Okay, stop it....intelligence. Just --


That was so fun.

My heart is racing.

You? My watch dialed my cardiologist.

I've never run from the cops before.

Me either.[siren chirps]


I can't wait to tell everyone how cool you guys are!

We're not cool, Joe.

That's not what people do when a policeman pulls them over.

In fact, there's nothing cool about us.

Well, I don't think we should be lumped into --

[siren chirps]Lights!

Joe, there are more important things than being cool.

Uh, like what?

Look, the point is, Joe, we love you too much to let you think dumb moves like this are okay.

So, what do we do now?

We're gonna do the right thing.

[seat belt clicks]

[vehicle door closes]



Where's Cinnabon?

GEORGE: Sure enough, they call me out for using too much pine tar.

I run out there and just go berserk on these umpires.

But everybody remembers --Ugh!

Watch out. That's a base.Yeah. Yeah.

That's third base.Third base.

That's where I used to play. You remember that?

Yeah. Yeah. Should we do --

So, when you would stand here, you would just kind of basically be in an athletic --

I played college football --You would get here.

GEORGE: You would get right here like this and say, "Please don't hit it to me."

[both laugh]

CAM: That's how I feel!

I'm gonna get you back!


--Captions by VITAC--