Modern Family S9E18 Script

Daddy Issues (2018)

How we doin'?

It's the most stressful day of the year for Claire -- our anniversary.

She tends to leave her gift shopping till the last minute, and the pressure can really get to her.

I'm great.


Oh, did you forget it's our -- No.

Happy Anniversary.

You're strangely calm.

Is this the legendary realm beyond madness?

I already got your gift.

And I nailed it.

I even stayed below the $100 limit.


Oh, you'll be quite pleased.

...once I find something.

This time I left my shopping till the last minute, maybe just to give Claire a chance at our competition.

Am I too competitive?

I mean, she does often say, "Phil, do you always have to finish first?"

Joe, I'm coming for you.

Hey, have you guys seen Joe?

Aw, man!

You found me soeasy.

But that was for fun.

Hide and seek?

What am I, 4?

I'm here because Luke has the new zombie video game that my mom would never let me play.

So...what else?

What else?

Hey, didn't you get a new video game?

Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap!

Did you see her yesterday?No, why?

That's what she says when she realizes she just slept through an entire day.

So, my boss went away for the weekend, and I realized I left my phone at her house.

There's a doggy door, but then I would have to find a dog, somehow learn how train it to go inside, and then find it.

And I don't know where to get a --Honey...

Oh my God, duh. [laughs][chuckles]

Joe, youhave a dog.

Come on. [chuckles]


--Captions by VITAC--

Captioning Provided by 20th Century Fox Television and ABC, Inc. and brought to you by Ford. We go further, so you can.


[both laugh]

Now see, this is when entertainment was classy.

Max Feldman wore a tux, the audience smoked cigars.

And his act is as fresh today as it was in the '70s.

MAX FELDMAN: What are you, an Eskimo?

You got 50 words for "snow," but apparently none for "toothbrush."

[both laughing]

I don't understand why you guys like that man.

He's a bully.

See, this is why we're not bringing you to his show tonight. -You don't get the jokes, you ask questions the whole time...

It ruins the experience.

I understand funny jokes.

This is not funny. This is mean.

He just told that guy that he looked like a beef jerky wearing a tuxedo.

And that guy was Ronald Reagan and he loved it!

I hope Feldman zetzes me tonight.

Is that why you're wearing that shirt?Huh? No.

Anyways, I'm gonna go and run some errands.

If Jorge arrives before I'm back, please don't bore him with this stuff.

Jorge was this steamy Latin musician your mother used to date.

Apparently she feels she has to invite him here, instead of just thinking about him while she pages through a high-school yearbook on her third Scotch like a normal person.

Jay, don't be jealous.

It was 20 years ago, and I only dated him for six months.

And we never had what you and I have.

Well, that's nice to hear.

It was only physical.

Manny... you're gonna learn something today.

I try to learn something every day.

It keeps me young, or nuori, as they say in Finnish.

Assuming you stop saying stuff like that, one day you will be married, and eventually the ex will show up sniffing around, puffing out his pretty-boy chest, which is your cue to go alpha.

Don't you think Mom will get annoyed when she sees you being rude to an old friend?

Not at all.

Deep down, she wants to see me vanquish all who came before.

It's basic animal stuff.

Oh, I get it.

My girlfriend Karen was pretty frisky the other night after her ex showed up, and I bested him in a chocolate-soufflé bake-off.

I don't need to tell you my soufflé wasn't the only sweet brown dish she devoured that night.


I also made molasses cookies.

I've learned to ask the second question.

I don't even remember what the fight was about.Uh-huh.

Then why does your teacher want to have a chat with us?

Maybe she has trouble meeting people.Ah.


Oh, that is a -- that's bold.

It's too young, isn't it?No!

[alarm beeping]Oh, God, these things have lie detectors now.

Sir, please give me your bag.

Oh...we-- well, the cashier probably just forgot to take a security tag off of the --

Where did that come from?

Possible 488.

No. I wouldn't steal a bra!

I don't wear bras!Yeah.

Oh. Well, maybe once.

Our friend Pepper had a "Turning 50 is a Drag" party.

[chuckling] Yeah, he's had five of those.

So... Sir, please come with me.

No... No, no, no, no, no.

Mitchell, call a lawyer! -I'm a lawyer.

Yeah, but you've lost more suits than a Men's Wearhouse in a tornado.

April Fool's!

They thought you were a shoplifter!


A fight at school, and now a shoplifting prank?

If you wanted to rebel, why don't you just put a pink streak in your hair?

I told you, I don't want one.

But you would look so cute.

Okay, well, whatever this phase is, I'm not a fan.I blame us.

We've been far too permissive.Agreed.

You are grounded for one month, Missy!

[hushed voice] We got the Cirque du Soleil tickets.

Except for Cirque du Soleil!And the Disneyland trip.

And for Disneyland!

But you are not going to Christina's slumber party tonight no matter how much --We have reservations at Cactus.

Okay, Christina's slumber party is the last one for a while.

[normal voice] Right. That's right.

[indistinct conversations]


PHIL: Scented candles. [laughs]

The simpleton's choice.

The perfect gift has three elements -- not something you'd buy for yourself, takes you on an emotional journey, that journey is on a ship --

A showmanship.


I mean, finding a gift that has all three is challenging, but here's the thing.

Bad ideas aren't your enemy.

In fact, sometimes if you free-associate from the bad ideas, you discover great ones.

Let's try it.

[inhales deeply]Sir, would you like a bonsai tree?

Novelty key chain.

First thing that popped into the noodle.

It's terrible.

Let's see what that key unlocks.

Novelty key chain.

Novelty lock.

Loch Ness Monster.

Monster bike.

Bike lock. Padlock.

Mouse pad. Novelty mouse pad!

Novelty key chain!


It was like my muse just disappeared.

And she wasn't coming back.

Soap?! She's not your grandma, Phil!

If I don't care that it mops, dusts, squeegees, and lights up, would I care that Stacey Keach says it's the last cleaning tool you'll ever need?

Box of chocolates.

Count Chocula.

Chaka Khan, conman, Isle of Man.

"I Love Lucy," Lucy Liu.

Lululemon, lemon peel.

"Key & Peele," key chain!

Novelty key chain?!



JOE: Laundry, right?Oh, it never ends.

I heard that.

Happy Anniversary, by the way. Thank you.

Did you get anything special for Phil?

Kid's smooth like butter.

Just like I coached him.

I am very excited about the present I got for Phil.

Come on over here. Come on closer.

But you have to promise that you are not gonna tell anybody.

Talk to papa.

I don't want anybody else to hear what it is.

It's a really good secret. And the present is...

[air horn blows] Ow! Ow!

Why would you do that?!

My ears are still developing!

CLAIRE: Nice try, Phil.[both laughing]

That's so funny!

Oh. Hey, honey. How are you?

[cellphone ringing]I'm so sorry. I have to take this.

Oh, boy.[cellphone beeps]

Hello, Robert...

Not too much. How are you?

There are a lot of ways you can establish status over another man, like Jorge.

A firm handshake...

...displays of wealth... and feats of strength.


Interesting. Moving that rug was the hardest thing in the world for you when I needed to practice tap dancing.

There are also more subtle moves, what I call micro-aggressions.

Call him by the wrong name.

[doorbell rings]

Throws him off the moment he meets you.

You must be Huevos!

Jay! Pleasure. Jorge de la Selva.

In English, it's George of the Jungle, so I stick with Spanish.

Hey, who's got the great taste?

That would be me!

[chuckles] Nice!

Uh, hello...

So, you and Gloria... you used to, uh...



Hey, so he was a little more handsome than you were expecting, but pull yourself together, man.

Now, fights are very common at Lily's age.

I mean, so many parents ask me, "What happened to my sweet little kid," and I say, "That's puberty."


Well, Lily's a little young for that, so...

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

What is this? The inner ear?

That is the female reproductive system.

Oh. Cam.

Oops. Heh.

I dropped the, uh --

I want to say egg chute, but I know it's probably something more Latin-y.

It can be a challenge when a child enters into adolescence, so I was thinking -- does Lily have any aunts or any other female figures in her life?

Yes, why?

Well, she might want to talk to a woman about what she's going through.

Okay. I see.

So meaning, as a gay couple, we're not up to the task of raising a daughter on our own.

No... Okay.

[whispering] Mitchell, I'm stuck.

I'm just saying that Lily may be self-conscious talking to men -- even her dads -- about certain female body issues.

Did she tell you what the fight was about?

Yes. Obviously.

Yes, we are a very open family.

It's not like we wouldn't just not follow up.

And what did she tell you?

Uh, that...

A... Boy...?

No. Girl.

A girl tried to snap Lily's --

Finger! Bra.

But Lily doesn't have a bra.Exactly.

And now she's getting teased, because unlike the other girls, she doesn't have a --

Oh, just say it. A mom.

A bra. Oh. Okay, so...

Oh, that wasn't a joke when she stuffed that bra in your bag.

She wants one.

She's just -- she was too embarrassed to ask for it.


Oh, boy.

You don't think this is gon-- gonna come up at the slumber party, do you?

Not Christina S's slumber party?

Yes.Oh, God.

She single handedly sent our lunch lady back to rehab.

I would strongly consider bringing Lily --

Thank you, we got it.


Obviously you were gonna say we should bring Lily... home?

Actually, I was going to say bring Lily a training...bra.

Training bra!A train set! Bra.

See? We all said training bra at the same time.Yes.

Oh, wow. This crema is incredible.

The secret is Amore beans from Guatemala.

Low-acid, shade-grown, individually massaged by an order of hill nuns.

Oh, I'm very familiar with the Amore bean.

[hushed voice] I get why you have trouble vanquishing this guy.

He's perfect.So, Jorge, um, you were Gloria's boyfriend right before Javier?

Yeah, and a little during, you know?

She kinda bounced around between the two of us.

Um, where is she anyway?

I got to be at a Dodger game in an hour.

Oh, you like sports?

That's fantastic!

I tried to get this one into baseball.

No go.

Actually, I hate baseball.

I'm here to sing the national anthem.

I'm an opera singer.

I just finished two months at La Scala.

[doorbell rings]The house that Toscanini built?!

Yeah, well, it's been rebuilt a few times.

You know, a bunch of opera singers prancing around.

It, uh, takes its toll on the foundation.

Yeah.ALEX: Hey.

I'm here to pick up Mom's old boombox from storage?

She needs it for...

How many Mannys do you see through these things?

JAY: That's Gloria's ex-boyfriend.

Wait, how far ex?

Roughly 20 years.

Oh, my God.

Is -- Is it possible? What does Gloria say?

She hasn't even seen him yet.

The odd bit is, these two clones don't see the resemblance.

Maybe she won't either? I'm not gonna force it on her.

I mean, it's no easy thing to say

"Is there a chance you're so dumb you don't even know who the father of your baby is?"

We could do a DNA test.

I could do one at the lab at school.

And then you would have a definitive answer.

If it comes back negative, mm, you don't even really have to tell Gloria.

Well, what do you need, saliva?

We take these two down to the Sizzler, and you squeegee what you need off the salad-bar window?

They use hairs now!

"But we hanged Wichita Willy yesterday," said the sheriff.

"Could he be back for revenge?"

That's when they looked up and there was Wichita Willy, the noose still dangling from his neck.

[light switch clicks]

[girls screaming]

Hey, sweetie. What you guys doing?

Have you heard of Twice Hung Willy?

Um, yes, I'm familiar with his films, but --

What are you doing here?

There's something we forgot to pack for you.

Can -- can I talk to you for a second?

No. It's girls only.

Yeah, no, but you're gonna love it.

What is it?

Oh, it's not for you, Christina.

Uh... Oh, God.

EMMA: Lily...?

Why does your dad have a fallopian tube?

[snaps fingers] That's what it is. Oh.

What's wrong with you?!

Calm down, okay? Your father was fiddling with your teacher's reproductive organ.

BOTH: Oh, my God! Ms. Wolfe?!

No, ju-- the model on her desk.

And then he put his finger into it, and then he couldn't --

Well, now mine's stuck!Okay, let me...

Okay, this is tight.Push your finger through.

Oh, no.

Are they like this in real life?I don't think so.

This is gross!

No. It's not gross, okay?

Nothing about your body is gross to us.

Yes. Not your cycles, not your fluids --

Oh, my God, just stop talking forever.

Just go!

Oh, well, that was a disaster.

You know, maybe it's just time we start to admit that straight couples have strengths that we don't, you know?

And maybe moms know more about girls than we do.

Is it time to start farming some of this girl stuff out?

Yeah, but to who?

Claire's an over-sharer.

Gloria -- is her body even human?

Haley knows less than Lily.

So who do we go to? Alex? I guess.

I mean, it'll be dull, but it'll be right.

Let's prank call Milo again.You totally like him.

I do not! I just want to torture him.

Okay -- so, see, are we supposed to hear something like that and say nothing?Yes, we are.

Come on. Okay, hi.

If you want to get a boy's attention, you know, a prank call is probably not the move.


Cam, this is not our place. But he's not wrong.

I just like to make him mad!

Yeah, well, we just thought you liked him and you wanted to know the best way to get his attention, but apparently not.

So good night.

ALL: Wait!


MITCHELL: Okay, so, who's Milo's best friend?Barrett.

Okay, you're gonna text Milo, "You're hilarious!

Crying-laughing face, and winky face emoji."

Then wait a beat.

Then you're gonna text back, "Oops, sorry. That was for Barrett.

Neutral-face emoji with straight-line mouth."

Oh, my God. Genius.

Wow, I've never seen her smile.

[cellphone dings]Dudes!

Milo just texted me back.

Okay, what'd he say?

"You're a jerk.

Winky eye face with the tongue hanging out."

Oh, you're in. You're in.Oh! Yeah.

Do not text him back, okay?

But when you see him on Monday, walk right past him and throw him a quick...


ALL: Hey. Yes!

All right, you girls got it from here.

We have a dinner reservation.

Hey, I saw what you put in the bag.


You're welcome, sweetie. And we love you.

Are you gonna be this cool when I like a boy?

Oh, no. No.No. Not a chance.

[hushed voice] Good, you're home.One second.

Papi, you look great in that new shirt!

So handsome![chuckling] Gloria!


I thought you were Manny.

Good. You're caught up now.

I know I put on a few, but they don't take you seriously as an opera singer when you're too skinny.

Do you know what happens when the thin lady sings?

The show just keeps going.

It's so wonderful to see you.

I -- I'm gonna go and open a bottle of wine.

[chuckles nervously]

Do you think that Jorge could be...?

Jorge mentioned you bounced around between him and Javier.

How much bouncing did you do?

Technically, it's possible.

Oh, my God.

How is Manny going to handle this?Not great.

You know he doesn't respond well to surprises.

Remember how upset he got when he found out those mashed potatoes were really just whipped cauliflower?

What are we going to do?[door opens]

ALEX: Okay, Grandpa, I got --

Oh, Gloria, you're here.

What do you bring with you, besides that guilty look?

Okay, in order to get a definitive answer, I had Alex perform a DNA test.

You got them both to spit?

They use hair now.Eugh.

Hey, lotion's on the sink, Jorge.

Hey, turns out I'm not the only one who suffers from dry navel.

Uh, Alex, why do you have a medical form with my name on it?

I don't think I should be the one to explain this. you know, your mother and Jorge had a relationship.

You're a lot alike, and it made us curious as to whether...

Uh, are -- are you saying --

This is a DNA test.

Your mom didn't even find out until today.

[scoffs] So -- I--

I -- I don't even know how to react.

So my whole childhood was a lie?

I thought Javier was my dad.

Now he's just some stranger who gave me baths?

Listen, buddy.

It's not who brings you into the world.

It's what you do when you're there.

You're not Javier.

You're not this guy. You're you.

And what you are is amazing.

And for the record, I've been your dad since you were 10, and I'm gonna be your dad until I'm gone.

[voice breaking] I love you, and I always will.

[voice breaking] I love you too, Jay.


Ha! April Fool's!

Now who doesn't understand a joke?!


I never dated Jorge!

He's the butcher at the grocery store!

I just thought that he looked like Manny!

[laughs]Why would you do that?

Because you said that I didn't understand funny.

I didn't know you were going to take the prank this far.

You made Grandpa cry.

I know!

He was like, "I love you and I always will."


Okay, look, I'm out.

Uh, I used to raise veal, and this has to be the cruelest thing I've ever been a part of.


Okay, almost there... almost there...

Hang on. One second.

Claire's gift involved a blindfold and a second location -- showmanship of the highest order.

To make things worse, the clock ran out on me.

My gift...

I settled...

I can't even say it out loud.



PHIL: Oh, my God.

[squeals]Our old apartment.

I know.

I was noodling around on Airbnb a couple of weeks ago and it was just right there listed.


It's $85 for the night, $6 for our old favorite Arizona fish sticks, which you will smell warming right now...[chuckles]

...$3 for the "Forget Paris" rental.

Aw, you even found cans of the wine we used to like.

You completely nailed it.

I know. I really did!

I did! I did!

And it was the first time ever.


I really want this feeling to last.

Would it be weird if I asked you not to give me your gift until tomorrow?

You got it. Yes!

In fact, I might, uh --

I might sneak off and trade this in for something really terrible just to seal your victory.

All right.

Now let's get this party started.

No. Mm.

The old mixtape I made you? Mm-hmm.

Oh, yeah. "Songs in the key of Phil."

Oh, no! Oh. Oh.

Aw, no. Wait, hang out.

It's not going back in.You know what?

Sometimes it's nice to not have music.

[electronic music plays in distance]

Well, I'm not listening to that all night.


I wonder if the old intercom system still works.

Oh, yeah!


Give it to 'em.

Tell 'em how I feel.[chuckles]

[pipe clanging]


[clanging continues]

[laughs] Hey! Ahh!

Oh, my God!Oh, oh, oh!

It's okay! Okay. No need to be alarmed.

[fire alarm sounds]

Oh, no, not the fish sticks!Okay...

[alarm continues]

Oh, oh, Phil?

Open the window, and it'll stop the alarm!

[alarm continues]

Oh, God! Whoa!

Oh, God!Oh, it's okay!

Phil! Phil!Oh! I got you!

Okay --I got you!

Oh, God.[grunts]

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh, God. Oh, God.


Wine is flammable?!

No! But that is!

[groans] Oh, God.

Ahh-- Ohh--

[raccoons chittering]


Oh, for God's sake, Phil, just swear like an adult.


Part of me always knew this is how I was gonna go out.

In a wine fire surrounded by raccoons?


[alarm continues]

What is that?

[water sprays lightly]

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, yes.

What -- what is this?

[alarm continues]



Oh, yes!

Yeh-ha! Yah!

Yah! Yah!

Yeah! Get out!You shut your mouth!

[alarm stops]Oh, yeah!

And since the neighbors can't take a hint.


That was amazing.

My dear, nothing but the best for you...


...on our anniversary.

[whirring stops]Now...

[soft music plays on radio]...where were we?


[music continues]


[exhales sharply]

[music continues]

May I have this dance?

♪ You're all I want in my life ♪ Yes.


I am the luckiest girl in the world.

Shh. Mm.

Did you get me a mop for our --? Shh.

[music continues]

Come on.

Honey, what happened?

I spilled some milk.

Apparently the only thing this mop can't do is mop.

Well, there's no use crying over it.

Just call them and complain.

Oh, you're right.

[mop ringing]

WOMAN: This is your emergency moperator.

How can I help?

The -- the mop function on my mop isn't working.

I'm sorry to hear that.

I'm going to go ahead and do a remote reset, so you may notice that your mop gets extremely hot.

Oh. Oh.

Uh -- should I...?

I'm kidding.

Oh. [laughs]Good one, moperator.

You should've seen his face.

I did. You're an adorable couple.

Get rid of it.Oh, my God.