Modern Family S9E22 Script

Clash of Swords (2018)

Didn't you just cut his hair?

Yes, but it's his kindergarten graduation party today.

Okay, no messy goodbyes, I'm out of here.

Ay, papi, I'm going to miss you.

Can you at least stay for the party that I'm making for Joe?

Mom, Mrs. Nussbaum is paying me to get her car to Delaware by Friday at noon.

I already lost an hour looking for my driving gloves.

You're plowing through the heartlands in an inchworm-green Camry with a bumper sticker that says "Meat is Murder."

I hid these gloves for a reason.

Listen, uh, we weren't kidding about you being careful.

And, uh, not to get dramatic, keep your wits about you.

Here. What the hell is that?

It's an air freshener. What does it look like?

I'm going on the Martha Stewart bed-and-breakfast tour of America, not an Aboriginal manhood quest.

I'm not saying you're gonna need it, just better safe than sorry.

Slash, don't stab.

Uh --

Stop wiggling. I'm almost done.



Why'd you gasp?

Ah! My hair is my identity!



(computer chimes)

Uh, Cam? Uh, turns out I have to do that work thing after all.

I'll meet you at Joe's party?

Oh, okay. Cal, come give your Uncle Mitchell a hug.

CAL: Hug!

No. No, no hug. No -- where is he?

Which way is he coming from? Coming from?


Cam's sister's son is staying with us because, well, you know, she's back in jail.

But she didn't do anything terrible.

She just didn't understand the rules of her probation from last time, when --

When she did something a little terrible.

But we're taking baby Cal back to live with my parents on the farm.

Which is a good thing because he's not really a -- a house baby.

No, no, he's freakishly strong and off the charts size-wise.

On the charts. 99th percentile.

He has two teeth and I've seen him eat a whole chicken.


All right, I got to go.

Wait, where's my hug?

-Hug! -Go! Go! Save yourself!

Ohh. Yep. Okay.

-Hey. -Hey!

(chuckles) Our costumes are in the back.

Phil and I are going to Hero-Con to indulge in our love of fantasy fiction.

Um, I-I've always wanted to go, but i-it's a little nerd-forward, and I was always afraid my family would make fun of me.

So I've asked Phil to keep it between us.

That's why we chose our secret warrior signal.

My first suggestion was to blow a Viking horn.

Don't ever Google that, by the way. I already did.

This year, there's a panel, um, on our favorite show, Clash of Swords.

It's got a lot of graphic violence and female nudity, but that's part of its appeal to the fierce warrior inside every man.

My eyeliner keeps smudging.

Thanks a lot, gal at the MAC counter.

Who cares? We look great.

Let's do this!

Just remember we left our trusty steed in section 22B.

I can't do it, Phil.

Oh, okay. I can write it down.

No, no. I-I-I thought I was ready, but I'm not.

I'm not. I-I've fantasized so long about coming, and now that -- that we're here, I am...

I'm mortified, okay? I'm a 40-year-old man.

No, you're not.

You're a 390-year-old Highland Norph, and you're walking in with a lifer.

This baby gets us all-access and two free yards of mead.

Through those doors lies your destiny.

What's the Galderean word for "bravery"?


-Again! -Lochtani.

Namu oponggi su-whi-gorth!

JAY: Have you seen Margaret?

I need her to clear my day.

I just found out you can get the Golf Channel online.

Nope, she's out sick again.

Oh, Dad, don't forget we're about to meet with those guys from that start-up.

Oh, right, aspiring closeteers seeking advice from an industry legend.

Yeah, just skip that part of your speech where you say "I didn't choose closets --"

They chose me!

-Hey... -Oh.

...we didn't know where to hang up our puffer vests, so we just dropped them on some rando's desk.

Hi. You must be the guys from EzraVision.

Yes, I am Nick. And these are my guys.

Jay Pritchett, obviously.

Fellas, take a seat. Make yourself comfortable.

Which one is gonna be holding the tape recorder?

You know what? Why don't we just make this quick?

We actually have to go hang out in a bike shop that only plays Drake.

So here's our offer, best and final.

Offer for what?

(chuckles) For your company.

We want to buy you out.

I'm sorry, we thought that you were here to just, you know, get information.

Get out of here!

Dad, if you would just let me speak --

Who do you think you are, marching in here like a bunch of hotshots?

And why is nobody wearing socks?!

Ooh, lower the B.P., O.G.

We're actually trying to do you a favor.

Okay, I think you have this twisted.

This company has been around since before you all were born.

Except for maybe him. How is he part of this?

This guy?

That's our over-40 diversity hire. Ah.

Listen, we have developed smart-closet technology that's gonna make places like this obsolete.

We are giving you a chance to get out while you're still ahead.

Speaking of which -- Get out of here!

Okay. Offer's good for 48 hours.

Two get out of heres?

-Do you believe these punks? -(sighs)

I mean, and what was with all this eye contact?

In my day, nerds had the decency to stare at their shoes!

Their website looks legitimate.

I mean, they've got some pretty great clients.

Wait a second, is that Margaret?

She's working there. They must have poached her.

Brainwashed her, is what they did.

Margaret is very vulnerable.

I've had to rescue her a bunch of times from cults and an Amway pyramid.

Come on. Let's get our girl back!

You were all the way out of the Grand Canyon before you realized no one was on my donkey.

But, sure, let's go save Margaret.

Oh, wow!

Mom, my dinosaur party looks amazing!

But we're in that room.

Somebody must've done another dinosaur party right next to us.


Doctor Donna Duncan.

You remember my stepson, Digby.


He prefers nonverbal communication.

This is your party?

You see, I saw that you had signed up to throw a party for Miss Jessica's class, so I thought I'd throw a little party for Miss Elaine.

It belches fire and then shoots candy all over the room.

(doorbell rings) Hey, girl, hey!

I'm not going on your road trip.

What? Luke told me that you've been hounding him because you don't want to drive cross-country alone.

Oh, I'm just trying to do you a favor.

You're going to a conference in Memphis.

It's only 12 hours out of my way.

Hey, no need to be afraid.

Afraid? (chuckles)

Manny, I'm a pretty girl who wears low-cut tops.

I know what a scared 19-year-old boy looks like.

Dude, you brought a pan flute to the fifth grade.

You serenade girls who are way out of your league.

You're a baller. You got this.



Manny. Manny, this is kidnapping.

Wow, this office is huge.

Just placed it.

This used to be Schweinberg's department store.

Wall of TVs over there.

I almost knocked down the display of fondue pots when I saw they were letting Barbara Walters anchor the news.

NICK: (chuckles) Look who's here!

You are not gonna regret taking our offer.

Let's celebrate.

We're not here to sell.

We're here to bring Margaret home.

Who's Margaret?



How did they get you?

Are you still wandering around alone in pet stores?

I've told you, that's the kind of person these cults target!

I like it here.

They have one of those machines that makes every kind of soda.

But you're diabetic. And a grown-up.

You know, since you're here, why don't I show you the new model?

Come here. Come over here.

Come here. This is the EzraVision Elitist.

-Ohhh. -Yeah.

Stand right over there.

Face forward.

Good afternoon, Ezra.

EZRA: Good afternoon. How may I help you?

What is that?

Ezra, full body scan.

Here we go.

Scan complete. Searching wardrobe. Ha!

Based on today's weather forecast, here's your optimal outfit.

Check the label.

-Just my size. -Yes, it is.

See, this is the future of closets -- automated, intelligent --

That's what they said about the "mood closet" in the '70s, and I buried them. -Very cranky.

Yes, but he has earned the right to be cranky, because my father is a giant in this industry, and he had to skip his ice-cream sandwich today to come here.

Nick, it's time for laser tag.

Yes! You know what?

No matter how it shakes out, you can keep the pants.

Those are on me. Let's go!

Let's get the hell out of here.

Hang on, Dad. I...

I don't like these dorks any more than you do, but they might be onto something.

What are you saying? Do you want to sell?

No, I was thinking more of a merger.

I did some digging, and they are two years behind on production.

They need our manufacturing, and frankly, we need their technology.

Nope, not gonna happen. End of conversation.

Really? Oh.

I-I'm having a business discussion.

I am not negotiating a new bedtime.

I'm not taking on an outside partner.

Oh, I get it, 'cause you're not very good with partners.

I mean, you put me in charge, like, nine times, but if it's an important decision, I should just shut up.

Well, I can't help it if I have a sixth sense about this business.

Closets chose me!

(upbeat music playing)

Oh, my gosh! Hey!

It's going great over there, huh?

What's this? Are these kids in trouble?

That's a different, fancier party than this.

The only fun thing I have is that pyramid made out of --

(gasps) Ay, Cam, look what your giant baby nephew did!

Yeah, but you know, it's not his fault.

He's three times the size of a child his age.

And you know what, some Tucker boys have a young growth spurt that's no picnic.

I had to go to court to play Little League.

Cameron, sweetie!

I thought I heard your voice cutting through the joyless silence of this...

I want to say party, but I'm afraid it will sound sarcastic.

You guys are friends?

Uh, well, we go to the same blowout parlor, yeah.

Wait a minute, did you pay for my Belizian blowout just so I would shout the details of Gloria's party so you could outdo her?

Oh, look at you catching on.

Kids, sorry to wake you.

But I'm gonna leave these wristbands here in case any of you want to come ride our roller coaster.

The mechanical kind, not the emotional one you've been on since you came through these doors.

Get out of here!

Not you, not you, not you.

MITCHELL: Oh, God, this is worse than I thought.

There are so many eyes on me.

I mean, yes, sure, less because of all the cyclopses, but still.

You can do this. Elf up.

My two favorite Rhine maidens! Linda! Karen!

Sold them a duplex.

Sweet home Alduzzarna, it's The Foolmaker from Clash of Swords season five!

I'm only on season three. I-I feel lost. Help me.

Oh, okay. During the Feast of Figs, the Forest Prince banished Migolaf the Wanderer to the outer reaches of The Forsaken Realm.

Migolaf waylaid the Iguodalan Dwarves and cursed the high cleric to an eternity of feeble-mindedness using the mighty scepter known as...

Oh, my God. The Foolmaker. I got to get a selfie.


H'oww! -Ooh, careful! Careful!

Oh, boy. Okay. -(chuckles)

Good thing it's not the real one or I'd be cursed to spend the rest of my days as a bumbling idiot. -(chuckles)

Aw, are you gonna have a little porridge maiden or a little warrior?

I'm not pregnant, dipwad.

Phil, why would you say that?!

I don't know, it just came out.

I mean, The Foolmaker --

You're not cursed, okay? It's a prop. It's not real.

All right. The panel's this way.

Hey, man. Sick scale armor!

Oh, really? You think so? It's not too much with the cape?

I wanted something that would go from feast to battle.

-Crushed it. -Yes!

Oh, we're about to take our annual Norph group photo.

You coming? -Yes, yes!

Phil, we're taking a pic--

Oh, I'm sorry. I lost my friend.

Hey, most of us come alone. You don't have to pretend.

I -- Th--

Oh, great, the Q&A's just starting.


JOEL: That's a very, very good question...

-Mitchell? -...and the answer to that is...

Scary ogre teeth. Where'd you get those?

I'm guessing my birth parents.

I'm so sorry.

Why can't I just (loudly) shut up?

(crowd gasping)

Sorry, was I going on too long?

I didn't -- (gasps)

You're Joel L.L. Logan.

What's your question, friend?

-Oh, uh... -Don't be shy.

I may have created this kingdom, but we're all fellow heirs to it.

Isn't that right?

(crowd whistling distinctly)

In that case, Mr. Logan...

Uh, I read on a fan page there's gonna be a Mozgovian uprising in the season finale that'll wipe out the entire ruling class, including the gruesome beheading of Adebayo the Righteous.


Wait, a-are you -- are you gonna kill Adebayo?

What? No, no.

Who's -- Who -- Who's Adebayo? (chuckles)

Oh, dear lord. It is true. (crowd murmuring)

You fool! Why would you ask him that?!

We all stay off of spoiler sites for a reason!

This show is the only thing I've got going on, and you ruined it!

(crowd booing)

Ohh! Ow!

They let you bring your spheres?!

They took away my tweezers!

(gasps) Manny?

This is the check Mrs. Nussbaum gave me to drive her car to Delaware.

It's yours if you come with me.

-Okay. -Wait, what?

Well, Haley already warned me you'd be asking, and I thought, "Sure."

My favorite research institute is on the way.

And I could bring my windsock and barometer for that new weather modeling project I've been noodling with.


I couldn't help noticing a lot of loose hairs on your pillow and a stack of fully completed Sudoku books.

Weren't you supposed to be taking it easy this summer?

No school, no projects --

Yeah, I'm loving it.

What are the chances I open your dresser and find a calendar with three X'd out days and a giant red circle around the date school starts again?

You don't know me.

Look, you're facing a challenge that scares you, but you know in your heart you need to take it on because it'll help you grow and become a stronger, more balanced person.


Of course I know you're right, but it's hard!

People are out there discovering planets, and I'm in here doing BuzzFeed quizzes.

Like if I were to be a Beatle, who would I be?

I'd be Ringo. Who cares, Manny?!


(fiddle playing) Whoo-hoo!


MITCHELL: I may have lost Phil, but I found my people.

And the choreography was a snap.

It's basically a river dance, uh, crossed with the hora.

(crowd celebrating) I bring news from the Catalina Room!

A dark shadow has fallen upon the kingdom.

The gods will not be pleased by this --

Just get to it, Gary!

Some dingus just spoiled the finale!

(crowd gasping)

This shall not go unpunished!

Let's get him!

(crowd cheers)

Where have you been? I've been waiting forever.

I was angry. I needed to take a walk so I could forget how pigheaded you can be.

You want to take another lap?

Dad, I am right about this.

Eventually Nick is gonna figure out how to keep up with demand, and then where are we gonna be?

I know your style has always been just tough it out and -- and beat back every threat --

That's not it, Claire.

You're right. We can't beat these guys.

A merger's the only long-term play.

I just don't know who I am in there.

What? They're all 25, zippin' around on their...

The hoverboards?

What's that make me, the cute old guy?

The mascot?

"Old man Pritchett's in the men's room.

Let's go watch him cuss out the automatic faucets again."

Aw, Dad.

I can't promise that you wouldn't feel old in that building, but from the outside looking in, I mean, you're the guy who's holding his own with kids a third his age.

That makes you like the... the Tony Bennett of closets.

I told you I took an elevator with him in Rome, right?

Yeah, you did. And you know what, in that building, there's a bunch of people who have never heard that story.

Did he have a Chihuahua with him?

-A mink. -A mink?

-A live mink. -Yeah.

-All class. -Yeah.

It's just a little intimidating.

You don't think they're gonna be scared of you?

Come on. Dad, look at them.

I don't care what ironic T-shirt their closets pick out for them.

Underneath, they're still nerds.

(key beeps)

(car horn honking)

(key beeps, alarm stops) (laughs) I can't.

Yeah, this might be okay.


(crowd murmuring)

I want to see him. Let me through, let me through!


(whispering) You're the spoiler?

I didn't do it on purpose!

It was The Foolmaker!

The scepter is a prop, okay?

It's just the power of suggestion.

Mitchell, they want to take away my all-access pass.

You've got to help me. -You know this scoundrel?

Uh, yeah, I think our kids go to school with one --

Mitchell! Okay yes, yes -- yes, I know him.

I know him! -They're monsters.

They've been pelting me with Chobani flail spheres.

Wait -- Ch-Chobani, like the yoghurt?

The show took on corporate sponsors in season four.


(crowd cheering)

Seriously, Gary?

I helped you build a deck!

Okay, stop, stop it! What are we doing, huh?

Is this how Norphs behave?

Actually, we're quite war-like.

Okay, well...look, look, this man, he made a mistake, but if we banish him, we're no better than the people who shamed us all these years, who -- who picked us last for team sports, who left us off of group e-mails about bar association dances.

We're all oddballs and misfits and weirdos, but the great thing about this place is we all belong, especially this good man, who gave me the courage to conquer my fear and become part of this community.

Let's welcome him back.

The red one, Gary!

Where is that dinosaur?

I certainly hope I don't accidentally turn off the lights.

As a gay man, I know every party planner in town.

So I sent out a group text, and as luck would have it, my friend Ronaldo was wrapping up a kid's Peter Pan party.

And I said, "Send me whatever you got."

I think I hear some music! (techno music playing)

Where my Lost Boys at?!

What the hell is this?!

I thought you said you were at a kid's Peter Pan party.

No, no, no. I said, "Kit's Peter Pan party."

It's his 11th time turning 50.

Close your eyes! No! Don't look at that!

Please, I'm so sorry!

Enough! Enough!

Everybody out! Even the kids!

I can't fight this anymore. Go to the nice party!

Just follow the fairy!

She meant me. Everybody calm down.

Thank you so much for today.

I-I never would've gone through with it if you hadn't inspired me.

I inspired you? Mm.


In book the third, the high cleric overcomes the curse of The Foolmaker by being pure of heart and goes on to be a great inspirer of people.

Do you think --

You seem glum.

Perhaps you should be turning your passions elsewhere.

You're right. I'm going back to vet school.

It's about time I grew up.

(sighs) I'm sorry, Gloria.

It's okay. I'm not mad.

What happened to the party?

Cam ruined it two ways.

I just wanted a nice party for Joe.

There's only so long that you can make things perfect for them.

Suddenly, they move on.

They wake up one morning and they want to drive cross-country all alone.

Oh, right, Manny.

I know you're scared, but your should feel proud.

You took kind of a...

You can say it -- a weird kid.

A weird kid, and turned him into somebody so comfortable with himself that he's willing to take on a pretty big adventure.

Thank you, Cam.

I wish I had that.

I mean, I was a weird kid whose family only made him feel weirder.

I mean, it took until today to do an adventure that I have wanted to do since I was Manny's age.

I-I went to Hero-Con.

Not in costume?

Affirmative, Fizbo.

Okay, if this is something you're into, why haven't you ever told me?

I haven't told anyone.

I mean, I tried with my mom once, but I chickened out and told her I was gay instead.

And I-I wasn't even sure at that point.

Why are there so many ways for a parent to break a kid?


CAL: Hug!

No, no, no!



Aw, you know, it makes me worried for this little guy.

I love my parents, but they weren't exactly the best when I was... when I was this.

Go play.

Mitchell, I'm, uh, proud of the risk you took today following your heart.

You should do more of that.

Cam, should Cal live with us?

He -- He should.

-Yeah. -Very well.

Sorry we're late. Traffic, you know.

I keep telling you to try Waze, but you're scared of technology, and you shouldn't be.

We're merging Pritchett's with a high-tech closet company.


And, Gloria, you speak often of your passion for ventriloquism.

It's been a long day, Phil.

This one needs more time.

MANNY: Notes from the road.

Alternate title, The United States of Me.

Fear -- Friend or Foe?

As children, we're taught to fear what can hurt us.


But as adults, we're expected to conquer what we're afraid of.


So what are fears?

Do they keep us alive?

Or do they keep us from living?


You're blocking the driveway. Hit the road already.

Okay, I'm going.

Jay, hurry up, we want to go home!

JAY: I can't get this damn thing to work!

Oh, no, is it one of those automatic sinks?

You know what, he should do a hard reboot -- go back to the urinal and re-approach.

What's going on in there?

I can't even get a trickle out of this thing!

Oh, I find not thinking about it helps!

-No, it's the sink. -It's the sink.

JAY: Makes no sense!

I'm waving my arms like I'm directing a plane into a gate!

He's gonna break it like he broke the remote control.

Let's just go! The paper towel thing is automatic, too!

CLAIRE: Oh, Dad.

-- Captions by VITA --