Modern Family S9E5 Script

It's the Great Pumpkin, Phil Dunphy (2017)

Look at you, dressed like a girl. Why the change?

Did the roller-derby team try to recruit you again?

No. I have a date with Ben.

You don't seem too excited about it.

Well, I mean, he's really nice, and --

Got it. You're bored, and so am I.

Break up.

I mean, I just want to see what else is out there.

Does that make me a bad person? Oh, my God.

Are we still talking about this?

I solved your problem. Today.

Crowded restaurant so he doesn't make a scene.

Just deep breath and say it.

Fantastic news! Someone TP'd our house!

Halloween fun is afoot.

Dad, I really want to be excited for you, but Halloween?

We're almost old enough to vote.

Aaaaaahhh! Whoa!

[ Laughs ] Got me!

Worth it?

Oh, what, you're too old for a little scare?

The scariest thing is you could be a cheap pick-up line, two beers, and nine months away from being a grandparent, and you just risked asphyxiation in the fridge.

It's not like we're taking you trick-or-treating.

There are grown-up ways to enjoy Halloween.

How about pumpkin-boat racing?

Cam used to do it in Missouri.

Take a giant pumpkin, cut the top off, gut it, hop in, sail away.

Let's do it.

I'm so married to this idea, it rolls its eyes when I make jokes in public.

Take notes -- This might help you out with Ben later.

Mom, Dad?

You and Halloween have had some great times together.

-Mm. -But it's over.

You're way too old, and it's hard to look at.

Wow, it really lines up.

I see what's going on here.

Thank God.

I haven't communicated how big this pumpkin's gonna be.

You guys know Clifford -- the Big Red Dog?

We're not doing this.

Plus, we all have dates.

But --

I think they're past it.

That was kinda harsh, huh?

Oh, honey, don't take it too personally.

Me? That was directed at you, fridge monster.

You're the one who's obsessed with Halloween.

Honey, you were the one who suggested getting a giant pumpkin and having us sail away in it like a family of cartoon mice.

All pumpkins are giant to mice.

There is no use in us arguing over who's more obsessed with a holiday that's behind us already.

Way behind us.

All right. I got to get going, honey.

Yeah, have a good one.

-Mwah! -Mwah!

Great. Buh-bye.

Mm-hmm, bye.

[ Men moaning as zombies ]

Change of plans, fellas.

Hop in the car.

-- Captions by VITAC --

Captioning Provided by 20th Century Fox Television and ABC, Inc. and brought to you by Ford. We go further, so you can.


Well, well, well.

You city folk sure are late risers.

I guess your rooster has a snooze button.

[ Chuckles ]

It's funny how you say the exact, same thing every morning.

Since our contractor took a break from rehabbing kitchens to rehab a gambling problem... Yeah.

...Jay took over, and we've been staying here.

It's been a lot of Dad, but it -- it just became too impractical to continue living at home.

We're gonna use another coat of varnish.

The fumes shouldn't be too noticeable.

-Okay. -Okay.

Oh, boy. Lily.

Oh, gosh! Okay, she's down!

It's been hard on us, living without a kitchen.

It's been, uh, six weeks now since it burned down.

Since you burned it down.

Since I burned it down.

And then maliciously made me think I did it and leveraged my guilt for your own selfish gain.

Then maliciously made you think that you did it, and leveraged --

Honey, you got to stop beating yourself up.


I was going to make Joe's oatmeal.

Do you really have to use all five burners?

Well, it is called Five Burner Meat Pie, and it's the traditional dish back at the Halloween festival, so it kinda makes me feel like I'm there.


No oatmeal?

Guess I could put my beard on now.

Come over here!


Look, I'm sorry, but the God I worship does not let his roots show, so...

Gloria: Two weeks ago, we invited Mitch and Cam to stay here.

You invited them.

[ Sighs ] It's been hard on us, but it's part of our Colombian heritage...

Your heritage. welcome family and to never kick them out, even when they might have some boundary issues.

I'm heading back to the job site.

Gonna let the guys knock off for a little liqu-or-treating.

Well, that is how you manage...

[quietly] stretch a job until Christmas.

Okay, you need to go over there, find out how long this is gonna take.

I want my kitchen back.

Okay, uh, Dad?

W-We appreciate all your hard work, but we're running a little past schedule.

The job is done when the job is done.

You want it faster, next time, burn down a bookshelf.

Well, clearly, he doesn't know what he's doing and he's too proud to admit it.

[ Quietly ] I know. I know.

[ Quietly ] My breakfast is a LUNA Bar for women.

Do something.

[ Quietly ] They're family. What do you want me to do?

You need to fire your father.

Don't worry. I'll take care of it.

Mitchell. I swear to God.

Promise me you'll get rid of them.


Make me believe it.

I swear to you.

Haley: I didn't have a date with a guy, but rather a date with Destiny.

Destiny was the name of the casting director I was auditioning for.

I saw an ad for backup singers on a cruise ship, and I knew it was fate.

I have a killer voice, I love karaoke, and I'm great at partying on boats.

Haley Dunphy?


I speak "ship."

Bon voyage, mateys.

I crushed it.

I even crushed the modesty after.

"No, thank you for the chance to sing."

Beth and Jessica...

Bye. guys stay.

Haley, we'll be in touch.

[ Beth and Jessica chuckling ]

I had a good feeling about you two when I found out you were fellow Kappa sisters.


You're all in the same sorority?

Only the best sorority.

Together: Kappa Kappa Theta!

Ooh, I wanna take ya -- Okay, okay.

This is why everyone hates college graduates.

I will walk out that door, but at least show me enough respect to admit that this decision had nothing to do with talent.

Because everyone knows that I was the best.

Well, that took a lot of guts.

Come with me.

Let's take a second look at your audition.

Haley: * To hold me, to scold me

'* Cause when I'm bad, I'm so, so bad *

See? I'm fantastic.

Mm. Keep watching.

* So let's dance, the last dance *

* Let's dance, the last dance *

Okay. I've seen enough.

Oh, no, no, no.

I had to sit through this whole thing.

You will, too.

[ "Last Dance" instrumental playing ]

You got to remember, this was the '60s.

Competition in the closet game was fierce, everybody chasing after the next big storage idea.

Historians remember this period as the "space race." [ Door opens ]

Oh, Mitchell.

Uh, Dad?

Uh, I would like to see the kitchen.

I'd like to think that drinking beer makes my hair grow back, but life ain't fair.

Okay, uh, then w-we need to talk.

You guys want to take it outside?

I need a couple minutes with El Rojo.


Rojo means "red."


I put things together quickly, unlike your workers, which is, uh, why I'm here. [ Door closes ]

Um, Dad, if this is too much for you --

Now, wait a second.

You're not here to fire me, are you?

What? No.

Pfft! That's a strong word.

I've done enough axing in my time to recognize the look.

Just do it.

See, now, I was -- I was hoping this would be more of a conversation.

Never been much for confrontation.

You weren't engaged to a woman six months in law school because you were good at dropping the hammer.

Didn't you guys get a cat together?

Okay, you know? Y-Y-Yes!

You're fired! Okay?

You're an incompetent man-diva.

The only thing you've ever built is a closet -- i.e. a box of air.

So get out, and don't let the door hit you on your ample behind.

[ Smacks lips ]

Nicely done.

Maybe an unnecessary shot at closets, particularly from someone who was in one for 22 years, but... Mm.

Yeah, I get it.

[ Light rattle ]

I'll just grab my stuff.

[ Grunts ]

Oh, my God. Dad, it's -- it's done!

Yep. Well, why didn't you say something?

Well, I saw you marching in here, loaded for bear.

You don't usually go off on people, so I thought it'd be good for you.

How'd it feel? I didn't love it.

But this kitchen is amazing.

I only got one more thing to do.

I've got to seal glass in the door and hang it.

Now, you want to go with the stain or the clear pane Cam picked?

Hmm. You know what?

I-I bought this at a flea market.

They're not sure of the origin.

It either came from a 17th-century Flemish cathedral that collapsed in an earthquake or a high-school production of "Nunsense."

Oh, I do love this.

Should -- Should I ask Cam if it's okay?

You almost just fired your dad.

You're not gonna go shy on me on this --

You know what?

You're right.

It's this glass.

That's it. Hey?

You want to help me finish this off, just the two of us?

You know what?

Yes. Yeah, I-I would.

Let me just strap on this bad boy.

[ Tools clanking ]

So, all the tools have been laid out.

What next?

-Phil. -Hey, Carol.

I just found out my kids did this to your yard, and we are so sorry.

Don't be. It's Halloween.

It's one of the four biggest prank days of the year.

It's this, April Fools' Day, and the day before April Fools' Day, 'cause no one sees it coming.

What's the fourth?

Nice try, Carol.

The point is, you're gonna wake up one morning and find out that your kids don't TP anymore.

Cherish these days with your adorable little vandals.

Well, I appreciate the understanding, but I'm trying to teach them a lesson.

Oh, I'm gonna teach them a lesson, 'cause it's payback time.

Pranks wars have begun.

[ Both cheering ]

-Yes! -[ Laughs ]

[ Chuckles awkwardly ] Okay, kids.

I think Mr. Dunphy has better things to do than spend his day in a prank war with you.

Good news, boys. I don't.


Gloria: We cannot take you trick-or-treating if you don't finish your homework.

Didn't you two have something you wanted to talk about?

Um, so, Cam...

I'm trying to get Wi-Fi so I can watch the pumpkin weigh-in at the Halloween festival back home.

You know, 25 years ago, I raised the largest Wichita Thumper, and the record still stands.

I am so sorry.

There's no way to say that that doesn't sound braggy.

No, no, you just did fine.

Um, but I just wanted to say to you --

You know, as with every pumpkin, there's a story.

It was a cold, bitter night, when tap-tap-tap on the window.

Darn if it wasn't the vine of my pumpkin, just out there trembling away.

That is a great story.

Next thing I know, Daddy's pulling the pumpkin through the window, careful, of course, not to break the vine.

And for months, it just became a part of our household -- people stepping over it to get into the kitchen, blocked half the TV.

We thought "The Brady Bunch" was just about three lovely girls.

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, but nobody complained.

Sure, I won Grand Champion, you know, and the right to name the next tornado.

But the thing I remember most are the sacrifices

[voice breaking] my family made for just me.

That's how we do family where I'm from.

[ Inhales sharply ]

That's how we do family where I am from!

-Oh, Gloria! -Mmm!

I got to get this Wi-Fi.

[ Sighs ]

You saw that, didn't you?

I see everything.

[ Car door closes ] In 10 minutes, you're gonna storm the office, everybody freaks out, I go Wonder Woman, fight off the zombies.

Got it. Okay.

My kids may be over it, but at the office, they love Halloween Claire.

It's one of the perks of working at Pritchett's Closets.

Sure, you got to pitch in for coffee the rest of the year, but on October 31st, the show is free.

Hey. Ah.

Everyone's on their way here to a meeting.


Oh, so, no costume this year?

Apparently not.

Oh, good call.

Everyone was so sick of it.

The pressure to dress up!

You know, they begged me to talk to you, but I said, "No, Claire will realize how miserable everybody is."

So no-nobody -- I vant to drink your --

We don't have to do it anymore.

Oh, thank God!

You know, I cried in the mirror this morning?

[ Employees moaning ]

Guys, everybody. It's over.

The whole thing's finally over. No worries.

[ Employees murmur in relief ]

Oh. Yeah.

I'm just gonna need a quick second.

[ Moans as zombie ] No, no, no. Stop, stop, stop, stop.

-Sorry. -Go.

So, if you could just, uh, take your attention to the screen, please.

And... for the market research --

[ Moans as zombie ] Please. Nobody wants this.

Oh, she's surprising us.

It's a zombie attack.

[ Forced cheering ] Yay.

Oh, but it's Wonder Woman to the rescue, yeah.

[ Moaning as zombie ] Wonder Woman, help me.

Okay, fun's over.

Come on. Everybody --

[ Moans loudly ] Oh!

Okay! All right!

Here! Take it! Take it!

Ow, God! I am so sorry!

Haley: You're home early.

I was into this awesome girl, Abby, from the club.

And tonight, we were gonna take things to the next level, which is, you know, sex.

Always classy to name it.

But the one problem is she's super jealous and got this idea I was messing around with Carla from the snack bar.

Which I was.

So I had to break it off with Carla before seeing Abby.

How'd it go?

I got a major tong lashing.

[ Grunting ] Ow!

Ow! What the heck?

Whoa! Hey!

Carla, calm down! Wait -- Oh!

Wait, wait, I can explain!

I can explain! Somebody help!

Luke: So I covered up my bruises and checked for any snack-bar-related evidence before seeing Abby.

Sorry I'm late.

I got whiplash passing a picture of you.

Things couldn't have been going any better...

My dad is going to hate you.

...and then they got better.



You hate mustard.

You son of a bitch! You were with Carla!

I knew there was one perfect thing I could say to save it.

Baby, I just snack with her.

You're the main course.

[ Scoffs ]

I did not come up with that thing.

[ Hammering ]

All right.


Looks good.

You know, I helped build that.

I-I feel like a real construction guy.

I kinda wish a woman would walk by so I could objectify her.

It's the best.

Listen, we just finished the project.

Now, come on. Take a victory lap with your old man.

Oh. I'd love to.

Hey, and I defy Cam to find anything wrong with that window.

It really gives your kitchen some flair.

Oh, hey, Gloria. [ Gasps, screams ]

I finally found a great spot for the Wi-Fi just in time for the pumpkin weigh-in.

You sit here while I take a bath?!

I'm gay? Hello?

I'm more fixated on that fabulous robe.

I am so borrowing that for my next bath.

You didn't drain the water yet, did you?

Okay, that's it!

I can't handle you anymore!

You take over my kitchen!

I turn around, and you're in my face!

Siamese twins have more privacy than me!

Get out of my house, and never come back!

[ Cellphone dings ]


Well, the kitchen's done.

So I guess I can move back home.

He couldn't have sent you that message one minute ago?

It's okay, Gloria. [ Cheering over cellphone ]

It's better that I know how you actually feel.


Well, there seems to be a lot of hubbub on the dais at pump' fest.

Why are they gathering all the living mayors?

Announcer: It's official.

Ms. Darla Bowater has shattered the old pumpkin record.

[ Cheering continues ]

Okay. [ Cheering stops ]

I'm sure you'll understand, under these circumstances, I'll just quickly gather my things, take that bath, on my way.

[ Code box beeps ] Carol: Who is it?

[ Low-pitched voice ] Special delivery from UPS.

Phil: [ Normal voice ] United Prank Service.

I went to the history books for this one, all the way back to the first practical joke -- the Trojan Horse.

Only I swapped out silly string for broad swords and laughter for murder.

Carol: Okay.

You guys want to prank?

Let's prank.

[ Buzzer, gates creak ]

Oh, no.

[ Crash ]

Oh, no!

[ Wood crackling ]



No! Oh!

[ Breathing heavily ]

[ Grunts ]

They just put some toilet paper in your yard.

Why would he do this to us, Mother?

It was an accident!

[ Sobbing ] Where's Fluffy?! I can't find Fluffy!

Don't worry! I'll help you find her!

[ Silly string hisses ] My eye!

Go in the house! Go in the house!

Oh, why do I feel so energized?

Because you honored your primal male instinct to build.

Yeah. Where once lay barren fields, because of men like us, now gleaming cities stand.

And what is a city, but --

A closet for civilization.

This is the proudest damn moment of my life. Ah.

[ Siren wailing ]


That brings back painful memories.

[ Wailing continues ]

Huh, seems to be turning down our street.

[ Police radio chatter ] Well, what do you know?

This crystal in the middle acted like a magnifying glass.

Mr. Pritchett... Yeah.

...this is the second time in two months.

We love that you're a fan, but maybe you should just buy a calendar.

I'm sorry, Mitch. I feel really bad.

Do you think maybe you could tell Cam?

Oh, I don't work here anymore.

Phil? Honey?


There's no sense in hiding it.

[ Car door closes ] I did buy a giant pumpkin.

I puzzled that one out.

You're right.

I'm a Halloween-obsessed child-man.

Do you want to feel better?

I took zombies to work, okay?

And it died so hard.

Oh, my God, to be pitied by Margaret...

I guess the kids are right. [ Sighs ]

It's time for us to start acting like adults.

We can have dinner parties, see plays, open IRAs.

We have IRAs, right?

Rude awakening, Claire.

You think you're the fun-loving dad, putting smiles on faces, keeping childhood alive.

Turns out you're just the weird guy barreling down a driveway in a pumpkin-tank.

Phil, I command you to stop speaking like that.

Please let me have my feelings for one second.

No, come on, turn around. Seriously. It's good.

Wonder Woman?

Yes! And I have plans for you!

Who cares what anybody thinks?

Screw the kids. Screw everybody at work.

We'll give up Halloween when we are good and ready.

Who are you guys supposed to be?

Who your parents wish they were.

Alex: Ending things with Ben did not go well.

He kept giving me openings, and I just couldn't pull the trigger.

Why do I keep eating this stale bread?

Do you ever do that?

Like, you know something's bad, but you just keep going in for more

'cause it's the only thing in front of you?


Uh, hey, this is gonna sound really gross, but I have a Band-Aid on my hand, it's on a super-hairy spot, and I know it's gonna sting.

Would you take it off for me, please?

And do it fast.

If I'm gonna be hurt, I just want to get it over with.

I want to break up. Ow!


Ready to order?

Uh, did you not just hear what I said?

No. What?

I want to break up. Ah-choo!


So, I'm thinking nachos.

What about you?

Oh, my God!

I'm breaking up with you!


[ Sighs ] I'm so sorry.

It's been really great, but now it's over.

Please don't make a scene.

I mean, I'm sad, but I get it.

We're in different phases of our lives, and you live an hour away from me now, and I made out with my ex last weekend at the closet convention, so how committed am I?

Plus that tension between you and Muh-ma -- Oy.

You cheated on me?!

We were drunk, okay?

And she was really upset

'cause she had to drop her daughter off at college.

[ Thuds ]

You suck!

To think I wasted so much time on such a weepy, clingy, Pez-eating snore!

I can't believe I sat there and pretended to be a doll as you brushed my hair!

[ Crowd murmuring ]

You are almost the worst boyfriend I have ever had!

Okay, Alex wins most embarrassing day.

[ Cellphone chimes ]

[ Chuckles ] Not so fast.

Look at these two ding dongs.

Is that Mom and Dad in a giant "punkin"?

Well, at least we didn't get dragged into it this time.

Thank God.

[ Scoffs ] Yep. Because we got stuff goin' on.

[ All chuckle ]

[ Sighs ]


I'm sure that there were better ways for me to say what I said.

You're packing my face creams.

No need to apologize.

I know I crossed boundaries.

It's how I grew up.

Nobody had secrets from anybody.

At high-school parties, we just played Dare.

I know the feeling.

I grew up in a small town myself.

We had to bring in a stranger so that the children could learn who not to talk to.

You know, I have to say, sometimes your hometown stories sound a little made-up.

I am sorry that I was mean, and I am sorry that you don't have the biggest pumpkin anymore.

It's not even about having the record anymore.

I-It's just how I kept the small town alive in me.

Probably dumb. No.

It's hard when you have to leave a place you love.

Every year, it feels like more of it fades away.

I get very sad because I know that my accent is almost completely gone.

Anyway, I-I should go.

Wait. I have something for you.

A pumpkin seed? [ Chuckles ]

I think it can be next year's record-breaker.

Oh, my... Gloria...

[ Chuckles ]


-All right, all right! -Oh, my gosh!

Oh, my God!

We're floating in a vegetable!

In a giant vegetable!

[ Laughs ]

Phil: As families get older, you have two options -- you can force everyone together, or you can accept that traditions die and people move on.

Unless you happen to have a giant pumpkin.

Hey! What are you guys doing here?

We got the hint.

It wasn't gonna be fun unless we were here, too, so we tracked your phones.

Cam says the record for the North American 50-yard pumpkin dash is 18 seconds.

I think we can do it! Oh, I know we can do it!

Time us! Let's do it!

Alex: Okay! Haley: Okay!

You can do it! Beat that 18 seconds!

[ Indistinct shouting ] You're so close!

[ Shouting continues ]


Wait! There -- row it there!

Okay. Did we do it? Was that 18 seconds?

5 minutes.

Still close!

All right, here's what happened -- right after you sent the text saying the kitchen was done, the inspector popped in for a little surprise visit, nails us with four violations, which pushes us back for a couple of weeks now.

Blame me.

I can take the hit from Cam.

You stay with Claire

'cause I can't take the hit from Gloria.

Right. Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup!

Not a word. I do all the talking.

Because you're a terrible liar.

Hey. There you are.

Good day? Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm? What -- What's that supposed to mean?

You only say that when you're guilty.

[ Sniffs ] You smell like smoke.

Oh, my God, did you burn the kitchen down again?

It's like you don't want me to help you!