Modern Family S9E7 Script

Winner Winner Turkey Dinner (2017)

Jay: Does everyone have a glass?

I'm just giving my Thanksgiving toast.

Oh, come on, Dad. Isn't it weird that every year you single out one person who somehow made you extra proud this year?

It makes the rest of us feel like we -- It's you, Claire.

Yeah! I knew it!

And you, Phil, and you, Mitchell.

Actually, it's all of you.

I know I get a hard time for stirring up competition in the family, but look at the results.

Phil scoring with his new magic shop.

Cam winning the big game.

Claire winning the race.

And Mitchell scaring away that burg-a-lar.

And you are a winner, too, Jay.

He wanted to spend more time with Joe, so he's dropping him off and picking him up from school every day.

Dad, what is wrong with her?

I challenged her to get to 100,000 steps in a week.

-That's easy. -That's so easy.

Without shopping.

-Oh. -I get -- I get the challenge.

-No. -She's 1,000 steps from glory.

Like the rest of you, she was motivated by my stingy praise.

As I look around the room, I see nothing but winners, and I couldn't be prouder.

To us!

Everyone here is a winner.

-- Captions by VITAC --

Captioning Provided by 20th Century Fox Television and ABC, Inc. and brought to you by Ford. We go further, so you can.


Oh, you knew I was nervous about the big game, so you set out my -- Okay.

Sprinkles are for heroes.

Here, Daddy.

Thank you for protecting us. Oh.

We're all so proud of Mitchell about what happened the other day.

What I was thinking was, we could [Gasps]

Oh, my gosh!

Was there a break-in?

Yeah, yeah. It was -- It was crazy.

I just started yelling at him, and I guess I scared him away, so...

Oh, my gosh, sweetie. Are you okay?

Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine.

You're so brave. Oh, honey.

So proud.

If the robber comes back when Brave Daddy isn't here, we can use these. Okay, no, no, no, no.

I had to confiscate those at school.

They're very dangerous, and, plus, you should avoid the cliché.

Confiscating contraband is part of my new job at school.

I was recently promoted to [Chuckles] acting vice principal.

Which has nothing to do with acting.

That was made very clear to me.

Hey. Hey. Y-You seem a little nervous.

Are you -- Are you worried about the big game?

Yeah. I'm a little nervous.

The Rattlesnakes have beat us the last six years, and we cannot lose.

Is any of this because their coach is a woman?

I mean, shouldn't we be rooting for her, because --

Oh, what, because she's another straight person coaching football?

Well, good luck. Thank you, sweetie.

You know, I can't promise that I'll make you as proud as your daddy who fought off a burglar, but I will try.

You know, there's murmurs that the booster club is gonna divert some of our money to the science program.

Because that's what made the Kennedys cool, you know -- playing science on the lawn.

Ow! The first person who figures out how to stick these numbers right on is gonna be rich.

You could just pin it to your shirt before you put it on.

Have you shared this idea with anyone else?

When Alex was a baby, I used to throw her in a jogging stroller, and she was my running buddy.

This week, when she found out I was doing a 10K, she insisted on coming.


I'm using my mom as a subject for my stupid psych paper because I started too late to sign out a monkey.

It's about positive versus negative reinforcement.

First half of the race -- "You can do it, Mom!"

Second half -- "It's not your day, lady!"

Thankfully, after it's done, I'll still be able to give out the banana I bought.

Gloria: Thank you so much for taking care of Joe.

I still have to get some things from the store for dinner.

It's no problem. [ Chuckles ]

I got a lot of knowledge to pass on.

You been practicing your burping drills?

[ Burps ] [ Burping ] Yes!

Better. Okay, enough chitchat.

Give me the V.I.P. pass for the sale.

Everybody's heard of the H. Bronfman Clothiers Black Friday sale where the hoi polloi fight over tuxedos like animals.

But on Thanksgiving Day, a select few are invited to get first crack.

If I get everything I want, that tux will be 80% off in Tammy Bosworth's dorm room.

Black gold.

I got it as a tip from some club members who had me "deal" with some geese.

You will not taint this experience.

Gloria: [ Gasps ]

Claire, why do you have that number?

Are you in a pageant?

She's running a 10K. And she is going to do great.

[ Sighs ] I know that you're gonna make us oh-so proud!

Obviously, this was meant to be a group hug, and my invitation got lost in the mail. Mm.

Phil... that crazy phone booth that you ordered for your magic trick --

It's already at my house.

It's here two days early?!

I can shoot my how-to video today!

Haley! Showtime!

It goes without saying that the greatest trick to come out of World War II is the Normandy Phone Booth.

Over the years, its reputation has ebbed and flowed.

It was famously booed at the 1969 Narragansett Magic Festival.

Of course, this is a time when most people are into protest magic.

So naturally, they would thumb their nose at a classic trick where a heroic soldier dashes into a phone booth to make a world-saving call while it slowly fills with water!

Come on, hippies!


All right, buddy. Run outside and play real quick.

I'm gonna take care of something upstairs.

I had to update my profile pic on this new social-media app called Inseam.

It's super cool. No one knows about it.

Some old guys were using it for home tailoring, but then two Brooklyn deejays started sharing a couple of videos on it, and it blew up.

Not approachable.

Too approachable.

[ Camera shutter clicks ] There's my guy.

[ Cellphone rings ] What's up?

Dude, I was just about to leave, and I saw your new pic popped up on Inseam.

You're on Inseam?

Yes, I've been on it for a week.

Okay, look at your picture. Joe is in a tree behind you.


Aah! Aah.

Oh, my God, he's right there!

Hang on, Joe!

[ Cellphone beeps ] Hello?

What's going on with Joe?

You're on Inseam?

Of course I'm on Inseam.

Is my son hanging from a tree?

Oh, that's great! You fell for it.

I'm, uh -- I'm getting pretty good at Photoshop.

That's a fake picture?

Yeah, I got a bunch of Joe doing dangerous stuff.

You're gonna have to show me this later, okay?

Will do.

[ Sighs ] -Well, thanks to you, now I'm all sweaty, and it's gonna be impossible to judge the silk shirts.

They're supposed to blouse, not cling.

Hey, can I see that card for a second?

What are you doing? I'll put this card back in your hand when you Photoshop that kid's head in an alligator's mouth.

Announcer: Upper Valley on the 2-yard line with 10 seconds to go.

A touchdown will win the game.

Okay, timeout! Timeout!

Let's go, Dolphins!

Coach, what is our defense?

Okay, you know what? It's a running situation, but they've been killing us with that pass all day.

My gut tells me they're gonna pass, but [Stammers]

Okay, just let me think about it.

Move. Move!

[ Static ] Coach: Those dumb bastards are going to be thinking pass, which is why we're going to run.

Trap Two, on the left side.

Cameron: My vice principal walkie-talkie accidentally picked up that Upper Valley coach calling her dumb lady play.

Now, was I gonna change my defense?

Only some spineless win-at-all-costs glory hound would choose winning over showing some moral fiber.

Announcer: Dolphins win! Dolphins win!


[ Team whooping ]

[ Team cheering ]

Jay: Everybody in that stadium, including me...

Well... ...was expecting a pass.

But your instincts told you something else.

That's big-time, my friend. Well, I-I-I appreciate it, Jay.

Uh, thank you.

[ Whispering ] Mitchell!

I'm a fraud.

Well, then stop telling that barista that you understudied Javert on Broadway.

He knows your name. He can look it up.

No, I overheard the lady coach call her play on my walkie-talkie, and I changed my defense to win the game.

And now I'm having anxiety, and I have to confess.

No, you -- you are not gonna confess.

You're gonna smush that anxiety into a little ball, and you're gonna push it into that little, tiny hole in your soul where childhood traumas go.

Everybody here is a winner.

I-If you end up being the one loser at the table, I'm gonna get nothing but condescending pity from everybody.

Especially Claire, that insufferable phony.

Mm. [ Whispering ] Hey, so pretty!

-Luke! -Oh, hey, Gloria.

Sure love those bangs.

What's the story with those?

I know you have been avoiding me because there are no Photoshopped pictures of Joe in danger.

And the the answer to your question is very simple --

They frame my face.

Oh, those pictures.

[ Cellphone vibrates ]

Here we are.

Ah. Joe poking a bees' nest.


Oh, and Joe killing Lee Harvey Oswald.

So cute.

Jay, Luke is a genius.

Thanks, buddy.

You can go do your fancy shopping now.

Awesome. To make up for the time I lost, I'm gonna baby oil my heels so I can try on shoes faster.

Phil, did you see this Photoshop stuff that Luke did?

He's a real magician.

I guess he came by it honestly.

[ Laughs ]

That means the world to me, Jay.

I'm living a lie.

Claire, everyone in this family's a winner except for me.


Ready to fill this thing up?

Um, yeah. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

The -- The whole reason we're here is to use the pool water, which is recyclable.

I'm sort of a hero in the sustainable magic movement.

I'd hate to lose my three green rabbits rating.


Should we start filming?

For sure. Yeah. For sure.

I-I-I think I'll -- I'll probably just take a quick minute.

As a young man, I had no fear of any trick where I was jammed into tight spaces --

Fox in a Box, The Wrong Shepherd, Einstein's Birdbath.

Lately, though, I have had a touch of claustrophobia, which is usually cleared up by a quick call to my super-supportive wife.

Oh, you finally picked up.

No, no, it's not an emergency.

I just -- Hello? Claire?

Just give me the word, Dad.

Oh. Yep. Uh...


Let's do this.

Great. Ready?

Yeah. And...action.

Hello, and congratulations on your purchase of the Normandy Phone Booth.

The following will demonstrate just how much fun you've...dialed up.

[ Breathes deeply ]

Here we are on D-Day.

Where's the damned air support?

Oh, good.

A p-- phone booth.

I hear the Nazis have booby-trapped these, but I will...

I definitely will take the risk of calling Allied Command.

Hello, General.

Yes, the enemy is all around us.

Blast! [ Breathing rapidly ]

This is [Gasping] one of the phone booths that's booby-trapped.

Oh, no!

[ Whimpers ] Yes, General, the enemy is closing in!

There's no esca--

Haley! Get me out of here!

Who's Haley? I'm Nurse Rutherford.

[ Screams ]

If I can't do this trick, my magic shop is gonna be the laughingstock of the mini-mall.

And there's still a Blockbuster there.

Honey, I know you're going through something, but you need to keep it to yourself, because we will not be the loser family this year.

Jay: Claire. Yeah?

I had a genius idea.

Your race went right by Pritchett's Closets.

Uh-huh. Pull the security tape.

We'll blow up a frame of you in the lead and run a big ad --

"Pritchett's. Leading the Pack for 30 Years."

Genius! -I love it, Dad! Yes!

I am on that!

[ Laughing ] Wow.

We have problem.

I had a problem.

[ Ringtone plays ]

H-H-- Hello?

Hel-- [ Sighs ] Damn it.

Phil, this better be an emergency.

Oh, you finally picked up.

No, no, it's not an emergency. I just --

I'm running a race, and you just screwed up my playlist!

[ Cellphone beeps ]

From that point on, I was no longer on the actual race course.

[ Panting ] Thank you!


I guess I hit a point where I funneled back onto the course.

I did notice that I seemed to have more energy than the few people in front of me, but I didn't -- I didn't think much of it.

[ Cheers and applause ]

I did it! I won! I won!

Did you see that, honey? I won!

Uh, no, you didn't.

I was standing at the 5K mark and never saw you.

What? Gloria: Claire!

I was at the store, and I saw you win!

-Oh, honey! -Oh!

-Oh. -I know her!

She's my stepdaughter!

There's not gonna be any footage of you running past Pritchett's Closets because you cut two miles out of a six-mile race.

Better tell Grandpa you didn't win.

Oh, you are my moral compass.

Which is why I don't want to talk to you for the rest of the day.


I need a favor, no questions asked.

What do you need? Phone cards?

No. I need you to Photoshop a picture of me from today running in front of Pritchett's Closets.

No problem.

No problem. I --

I want to grab a picture of you and Claire.

I want to post it on my Inseam account.

Oh, what's Inseam?

I use it for home tailoring. Oh.

Claire. Yeah?

Could you get in here, please?

My two superstars. Okay! [ Laughs ]

Can't believe you won with that bad knee. [ Camera shutter clicks ]

Well, at least if somebody tries to steal that thing, they got to get through this guy.

I just did what any hero would do.

It's [Chuckles] Are you wearing makeup?

Uh, well, yeah. I got a bruise.

I thought -- I thought you screamed and he ran away?

Uh, well, there was a -- There was a scuffle.

You went with your instinct.

Fight or flight. You fought.

I'm gonna post this on Inseam.



You fought.

Mm-hmm. You fought?

Uh-huh. How close did you get to this "intruder"?

Okay, Claire. That is just about enough.

Mitchell suffered a trauma, and I don't appreciate your mocking tone.

Excuse us. Okay?

[ Sighs ] Thank you, sweetie.

Okay, look, we both know two things for certain --

I look fabulous in coral, and you didn't fight off any intruder.

There -- There is a backstory.

In the summer of 1984, inspired by "The Karate Kid,"

I went through a martial arts phase.

When Cam brought those nunchucks home, it was just too much to resist.

Hello, old friend.

[ Sighs ]

30 years later, once again, it was time to sweep the leg.

[ Exhaling deeply ]

[ Breathing sharply ]

Oh! Oh. [ Glass shattering ]

Oh, God. Oh, no!

[ Sighs ]

Why didn't you just tell me? I don't know.

You -- You walked in, and you asked if there was a break-in, and I-I was embarrassed and possibly concussed, so I just -- I went with it.

Besides, my dad and Claire cannot know, okay?

That whole "Karate Kid" summer, they called me "Kung Sue."


Turkey is gonna be ready in 10 minutes!

Where is Phil? I'll let him know.


[ Thud ]

10 minutes. Phil: I can't take it!

Just breathe, Dad.

We are breaking this fear of yours.

I'm dying here! Hey, hey, hey!

Look at me.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life as an open-space magician?


Jay, I saw on Inseam that there was a Thanksgiving pageant at Joe's school.

Why didn't you tell me?

I totally forgot.

Joe hasn't been in school for a week.

I had a falling-out with his teacher.

And got sent to the principal's office.

You said some pretty harsh things to Mrs. Barrish.

In my defense, um, this banquet she's planning is not historically accurate.

For example, I don't remember a tandoori chicken option at the first Thanksgiving.

We have children here from many ethnicities, and we try to make them all feel included.

Be that as it may, history does not record Pocahontas asking John Smith to pass the sashimi roll while Myles Standish helps himself to gluten-free huevos rancheros!

After that, it got heated, and we got expelled.


But they'll call.

They need my check.

Why didn't the school tell me anything?

It's like I am off their e-mail list.


I didn't even see the costumes.

Well, he didn't have a costume.

No, he was the narrator. Kid told the whole story.

Ay, papĂ­.

You must have been so cute.

Why don't you perform it for everybody at dinner?

I'll go get my phone, and we'll film it.

Okay? [ Laughing ] Yes.

I gotta get you up to speed in a hurry, buddy.

The story of Thanksgiving. Here goes.

It's no use!

I can't do it!



[ Laughs ] Sonuvabitch, she did it!

[ Laughs ]

See that, people?

Another person doing their best, thanks to me.

[ Indistinct murmuring ] It's time to eat.

Hey, Google, how much time left on the turkey?

Man: Two minutes.

See? I can control that crazy doughnut, I can do the steps.

I have two achievements, and the rest have only one.

So, Grandpa really motivated you by telling you you couldn't do something, huh?

I need to see that My StepCounter for a paper I'm writing.

Everybody achieved something today, so now it's Joe's turn.

Joe... tell us about the first Thanksgiving.

-[ Laughing ] Oh! -Come up here, buddy.

You got this.

There was once a land of godless natives.

They did not know any better until, one day, the white man arrived.

What is this?

The white man took pity on these primitives by teaching them to cultivate the land.

But their kindness was mistaken for aggression, and a war began.

What kind of school is this?

This is what I was taught. What?

Eventually, peace was restored, and we bestowed them with our nation's highest honor -- naming football teams for them.

Joe, what play is this?

I wasn't in a play! I don't go to school anymore!

All right, fine.

We got kicked out, okay?

Little argument with the principal.

You've been lying to me while I was celebrating you as an amazing father? Oh, my...

Hey, Gloria, this is weird.

You know, I downloaded your My StepCounter data onto my computer, and it's showing your path this morning was the same route my mom took in her race.


I was never going to get 100,000 steps.

But then I learned that Claire was going on a Turkey Trot.

The second time I hugged her, it was a little harder because she was really wet.

So I'm basically just your StepCounter mule?

I thought you cared about my race.

I love you very much, Claire, but your exercise doesn't really interest me.

Hang on. When did Claire run past Pritchett's Closets?

'Cause this thing says she never got near it.

Well, it's probably the StepCounter made a mistake.

Oh, yeah, did it? Or -- Or --

Or did you take a little shortcut?

No, I was probably going so fast it couldn't even keep up with me.

I have a picture of it. Let me see.


And there you go.

That is me clearly running in front of Pritchett's Closets.

Oh, yeah, yeah. With a Reagan/Bush poster in the window, huh?

The photo is a fake.

It's not my fault. Manny made it.

Manny was Photoshopping everything?

So Joe was in real danger?

I did not realize how easy it would be for you to connect those dots.

Pretty disappointed in you, Luke.

Well, you know, it's easy to see where he learned it from.

His mother's a cheater!

What?! Oh, don't get so hot and bothered. Uh-huh! Mm.

Your makeup's already running, and what do -- Stop it.

Do you have a Chinese character on your bruise?

Yeah, it's probably an imprint from the intruder's ring.

He was -- I'm sure he was in a gang of some sort.

Just give it up, Mitchell.

He knocked himself out with some nunchucks that I confiscated as acting vice principal.

Oh, my God! Kung Sue is back.

Daddy, did you hear that?

Well, Cam -- Cam didn't really win the football game.

Uh-huh. He stole the last play from the lady coach!

Accidentally! I overheard it on a walkie-talkie that I require as an acting vice principal, which is a position I'm pretty proud of because I'm basically a sheriff.

You're not basically -- No. Yes, I am basically a sheriff!

[ Indistinct arguing ] I wear a hat!

Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Dad is doing his trick, and he's never done it before.

He could die.

[ Indistinct chatter ]

Come on!

Oh, Phil. Honey, wait!

You don't have to do this. Yes, I do!

I'm the only loser in a remarkable family of winners.

No, no, no!

We are not all winners!

It turned out we all stink!

It doesn't matter!

I don't want to live a life ruled by fear!

I have to do this trick today.

[ Breathing rapidly ]

Although, it is getting hard to breathe!

Don't stop, Dad! You can do this!

I believe in you!

That's not helping, honey! Very interesting.

Okay, I'm just gonna try to barrel through this.

It's Normandy. I'm an American G.I. named Tony Ranzetti.

I'm from Brooklyn, and I love my mama's home cooking!

But I don't think I'm gonna be able to get out!

Is he talking as Tony Ranzetti or as Phil?

What is wrong with you cowards?!

Phil needs help!

Claire: Kung Sue's back at it. [ Clink ]

-Hey! Hey! -Oh, God!

-Ohh! -Ah!

It's too late to get out! Oh.

-No! -This was a mistake!!

Something's wrong. Dad?

Oh, God. Phil! Phil!

[ Electricity crackles ] [ Screaming ]

[ All screaming ]

Oh, my God! -What -- What...

Holy crap, where'd he go?!

Private Ranzetti reporting Operation Overlord is a success.

-Oh! -Wow!

Cocktails are on me.

That was amazing! Gotta hand it to you, Phil.

You get the big turkey leg.

Let's take this party to the table!

Come on, hippies.

[ Rapid footsteps ] Cam, it's late.

Cam, I have work early in the morning.


Cameron! I cannot sleep!

Well, you should have thought about that before you challenged me that I couldn't do

100,000 steps in a day.

Well, how close are you?


Okay, fine.

[ Footsteps continue ]

Wait. 125 left?


Oh, my God.