Mom (2017) Script

Hey, guys, check it out.

"Wendy Harris, Nurse Supervisor."

You got a promotion?

Your last name is Harris?

I'm so happy, I'm not even gonna let that bother me.

Good for you. Congratulations!

You work so hard, you deserve this.

Are you being sarcastic?

Not at all.

In fact, I would like to propose a toast to our dear friend... Please don't ruin this for me.

I'm being sincere.

Are you?

Yes!

I'm genuinely proud of her.

Mom, stop. You're not fooling us.

Fine. It was exhausting, anyway.

Well, now this is officially a celebration.

Order whatever you want. It's on us.

Thanks, I'm just gonna have soup.

Soup? I say go big or go home.

Get the sicken cheeser.

What's a sicken cheeser?

I meant the chicken Caesar.

Damn it, I keep flipping my words.

I know... you did it twice during your share today.

You sounded cricken frazy.

I don't know what's going on.

Maybe it's 'cause I'm not sleeping.

Is that 'cause you and Andy are "takin' care of bidness"?

No, it's 'cause no matter how low I set the thermostat, I still wake up like I just walked out of a sauna.

From "takin' care of bidness"?

Sweetie? Watch some porn or something.

I do. It doesn't help.

Have you seen your doctor? Maybe you're in perimenopause.

Maybe you are, bitch.

Sorry. I've also been irritable.

You know, I usually have nothing but love for you in my heart, but calling Wendy a "B" on her special "D" is totally "NC."

Not Cool.

You're right. Let me make it up to you.

After the meeting this Friday, I'll take us all to my club for lunch.

Thanks, Jill. That's so nice of you.

And for what's it's worth, I still think going to your doctor is a good idea.

Well, keep it to yourself, you toothless old dragon.

I'm... I'm gonna call my doctor now.

Yeah.

*MOM Season 07 Episode 16 Title: "Judy Garland and a Sexy Troll Doll"

I've never been to a country club before.

I mean, once I ran naked across a golf course.

It's so much further than you think it's gonna be.

Hi. My name is Bonnie, and I look fabulous.

Hi. My name is Christy, and... yeah...

Hey, did you guys check out the menu for the club?

We looked it up online.

Lot of shellfish.

You know that ribeye for two?

If I get it for myself, would you guys judge me?

Well, I hope you're happy. I just went to my doctor, and it turns out I am in peri-meni-pause.

Peri-meno-pause.

Do not correct a woman in peri-meni-pause.

Look, honey, we all go through it.

It's natural.

Since when do I care about natural?

I have worked so hard to stay sober so that I can be in control of what I say and what I do and what I throw across the room.

And now, just when I'm feeling like I got it all together, my hormones are like, "Screw you! I'm your higher power now!"

I'm not sure if I went through perimenopause.

I was in prison at the time.

Everyone was hot, cranky and throwin' stuff.

And by "stuff," I mean people.

The doctor said this could last a decade.

A decade!

We're moving.

Well, it's usually much shorter than that.

I had a few mild symptoms and then boom, over.

And I've really felt like I was in my power ever since.

Plus, no more condoms.

Oh, good. Remind me that my baby-maker's going out of business.

Right when I finally have a guy I might actually want to make a baby with.

Sorry, could you repeat what you just said?

'Cause I went deaf when Marjorie said "condoms."

Are you sure we can't sit down, maybe get started with a little pickle plate or something?

As I told you before, I can't seat your party until the club member arrives.

And as I told you before, okay, we'll be right over there.

Christy, you've been kind of quiet.

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

I just got some bad news.

I don't want to make it about me.

It's Wendy's day. Wait for it.

It's just, I didn't get picked for moot court.

What's that? They make believe they're lawyers.

How am I ever gonna be taken seriously as a lawyer if I can't even make moot court at a law school next to a car wash?

I don't know where I went wrong.

I put my name in early, I sucked up to the professors, and I can see you in the mirror!

And I see you, too. Hi.

It's Jill.

She's not coming.

Seriously? What?!

She is, and I quote, "Going home to have Andy put a baby in it."

What about our lunch?

She says she'll make it up to you.

Well, now you've already seen me in this dress.

It's my first time wearing coral.

Hang on.

Hello, sir.

Would you like to have lunch with five beautiful women?

There won't be a big bar bill!

Hi.

Hi. What are you doing home?

I thought you were having a big lunch for Christy.

Wendy. They all kind of blend.

By the way, thanks for always having bread and ham in your house.

Oh, it's 'cause I love you.

You know, if you really love me, you could spring for some Miracle Whip.

I know. Girls hate it, but guys love it.

Sure. And in return, can we make a baby?

I know. Guys hate it, but girls love it.

Wha...

What?

Here's the thing.

What? Well... it's just that we have been together for almost a year now, and I'm not getting any younger, so, you know... baby.

I'm gonna sit down for a second.

Is that a no? No, you know, it's just I-I came here to make lunch... had a little bit of an issue with the sandwich spread.

That was gonna be my... big dilemma o' the day.

Well, now it's: should we or shouldn't we make a person.

What do you think?

Jill, I...

I'm sorry, I-I didn't see this coming on so quick.

You know how on our first date, you said, "What are you, like, 35?" and I just smiled?

I'm 40.

And 18 months.

Okay.

But I think I'd be a great mom.

And I know ou'd be a great dad.

I mean, you're so strong.

Just think how high you could toss a baby.

I would never toss a baby.

Look at you. You passed the test!

Let's get to breedin'.

Okay, listen... babe, I-I get that your clock is ticking, but I'm-I'm just...

I'm not sure that we're... there yet.

You're right.

You're right. Forget I brought it up.

That's not you, is it?

What?

Nothing. I just love the one night a week the bar is closed and we get to go to bed at the same time.

Me, too. I get to read a little.

Oh, wait, was that code? 'Cause if it's code, just say so.

No, no code.

Just as well.

This book is about to unlock the mystery of compound interest for me.

Can you rub some lotion on my back?

Sure. Wait, is this code?

Nothing is code. Oh, okay.

Do you ever wonder what it would be like if we'd a kid?

We'd be in The Guinness Book of World Records, so that'd be sweet.

I mean if we'd met during our childbearing years.

Yeah, I guess it's crossed my mind.

We'd be the coolest parents.

And as a result, our kid would be spectacular.

He'd probably be tall, which is great.

"He." I like that.

I already ruined a she.

He'd be funny.

He'd be outgoing.

He'd have the hair of a sexy Troll doll.

And I guess he'd say what he thinks whenever he felt like it no matter how hurtful.

And I guess he'd also be super sensitive.

Which is better than him being super insensitive.

Well, he'd also be passive-aggressive.

And likely have addiction issues.

And be in a wheelchair.

Yeah, snowboarding off a cliff isn't hereditary.

Is always needing to feel right hereditary?

If it is, our kid is doomed.

Yeah, I'm starting to not like our son.

Yeah, he does sound like a bit of a douche.

But I'll tell you one thing: with you as a father, he'd be gorgeous.

Thanks.

What are you doing? That was code.

Wha...?

How was school?

Did you ask your professor why you didn't get chosen for mute court?

Mootcourt, and I don't want to talk about it.

Okay. Really?

You're walking away?

That was clearly a cry for help.

So, you-you want to talk about it?

Oh, my God, no.

Exciting news, people.

Andy put a baby in it?

Not yet and maybe not soon and maybe not ever, so, I'm gonna freeze my eggs.

Good for you, taking matters into your own hands.

Exactly.

Freezing eggs is like freezing time.

I can thaw them out, hit them with a dash of sperm and use them whenever I'm ready.

Isn't that really expensive?

Yeah, well, I thought so, too, but it's only $30,000.

I've already been to the doctor.

I have to take a series of these fertility shots to get me all eggy, but I need a partner to help me with the injections.

So, Christy, would you be my partner?

I'd love to.

Great!

Doctor said you should practice on a grapefruit.

So here you go.

Yay!

Homework that's easy!

Isn't this something your boyfriend should do?

No, I decided not to tell him.

I don't want him to think I'm obsessed with having a child.

What do you think of the name Pearl?

Hate.

Second grade, Pearl Fleming cut off my pigtail.

And you did nothing to deserve that?

Fine. Name your baby Pearl, but we will have a complicated relationship.

Thanks for doing this.

What about Wendy? She's a nurse.

Mom, I finally got picked for something.

Let me have this.

Ready? Mm.

Did you practice?

Every grapefruit in our house is ready to give birth.

Okay.

What's that?

An alcohol wipe.

Ooh, alcohol.

Should we call Marjorie?

Just don't put it in a glass with an olive, and we'll be fine.

What?

I have an intense fear of needles.

Which is why I became an alcoholic, even though heroin has less calories.

Just breathe.

Now, I'm supposed to inject you two inches under your navel by pinching a small section of your fat.

'Kay.

All right, stop flexing.

Sorry.

There's not much to work with here.

I will pass that compliment on to my trainers, Alfonso and Katya.

Calm down. Focus on the fact that you're lucky enough to be able to do this, 'cause not everyone can.

Wait a minute.

Do you want to do this?

Me?

I don't know.

Doesn't matter.

I could never afford it.

Christy, you're like a sister to me.

If you want to freeze your eggs, I'll pay for it.

You would?

Yeah, we could go through this together.

You would give me $30,000?

Well, I wouldn't give it to you, because of, you know, your gambling history, but I would give it to the egg people.

That's so incredibly generous.

Okay.

Give me the shot.

I already did.

When you offered me the money, I flinched and it slid right in.

Wow.

Well, that didn't hurt at all.

I hope the baby pops out that easy.

Oh, don't worry. They do.

This grilled cheese is delicious.

I went crazy and mixed cheddar with American.

Two kinds of cheese.

Did you run into some money I didn't know about?

I am gonna be up all night.

What's wrong?

Jill said if I wanted to freeze my eggs, she'd pay for it.

Y-You want to freeze your eggs?

I don't know.

I mean, it's kind of invasive.

They put a needle in your vagina.

Okay.

I'm gonna take Gus for a walk.

Come on!

Would you want to have another kid?

I wouldn't mind a chance to do it sober.

Remembering Christmas concerts, showing up for soccer games, keeping my clothes on in the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese.

Hey, anyone who doesn't think about getting naked in one of those things is lying to themselves.

Thank you.

I guess if I'm gonna harvest my eggs, I should do it now.

My period has been extremely irregular lately.

Hang on, please!

Just looking for the leash!

And when my period does come, the flow is like Niagara Falls!

Just whoosh!

I don't need Gus!

I'm just leaving!

Do you think it's a terrible idea?

If you want to do it, I'm all in.

Seriously? Yeah.

Just put your eggs on ice.

And then, after law school, we'll get Jill to buy you some Olympic sperm, and we'll raise a super baby.

Okay.

Okay, let's do this.

But I wouldn't want to do it right after law school, 'cause, you know, I'll want to give myself a couple years to get established.

So in five years?

I might want to try and go for partner, so I may need nine.

Okay, great. So... when the kid graduates high school, you'll be...

...68.

And if my math is correct, I'll be...

...67.

But are you sure?

Because it sounds like you don't want to have a baby...

You want to have a career.

Well, then why am I considering having a baby?

Because you didn't get into moot court.

That's ridiculous.

Wait for it.

Oh. Damn, there's no one here.

Oh, my God.

I was totally about to have a baby because I didn't get a part in what is basically the law school play.

Hey, I had you because I needed a ride home from a flea market.

Natalie!

In here!

Do you like this dress?

Tell me the truth.

I love it.

Are you sure?

'Cause I'm so hopped up on hormones, I don't know who I am anymore.

It's more flowers than usual.

You hate it.

I look like a funeral wreath for a drag queen.

No, no, no, no, no, no. You really pull it off.

I think so.

How many more of these shots are you getting?

Oh, only two to go.

Thank God.

Wow! Look at you.

What's that supposed to mean?

Good luck.

You all right?

Yeah. Why?

Well, this week has been a little...

"I'm dating Judy Garland."

Hey, you made me watch that movie.

You think I'm crazy?

No.

No. No, if anything, I think that, not unlike Ms. Garland, you're-you're under a lot of stress that the-the world doesn't know about.

Man, that movie really had an impact on me.

I'm freezing my eggs.

What?

I'm jammed full of hormones, and I'm out of my ever-lovin' mind.

Honey, why would you keep that a secret?

'Cause I thought if I told you, you'd feel like I was trying to push a kid on you, you'd dump me and then I'd be sitting here with no boyfriend, no baby and a fridge full of Miracle Whip.

Okay.

I'm gonna have to be extremely careful with what I say here.

I love you.

Yeah, that's good.

I was just... surprised.

You know, the-the baby stuff just... caught me a little off guard.

I know. I'm so sorry.

No, it's okay.

I see that this is huge for you.

You do?

'Cause I was trying to hide it.

And you were doing a masterful job.

Now, look, I can admit that I'm... probably not ready to be a father.

But... when I picture my future, you're in it.

I just want to take our time, make sure that we get it right.

So you're fine with this whole freezing eggs thing?

Yeah, I think it's a great idea.

I love you.

I don't have to freeze anything, do I?

No.

Your stuff has the shelf life of a Twinkie.Oh.

Great.

You know, when I heard "sugar scrub,"

I thought it was crazy.

But I am clean, I am relaxed and I taste like an Abba-Zaba bar.

Jill, this is a great way to celebrate Wendy's promotion.

Eh, too bad we all thought it was somebody else's job to invite her.

I'll make it up to her.

I would like to be a part of whatever that is.

I'm just gonna say two words.

Disney cruise.

It's my fertility doctor.

Hi, Dr. Dubois.

Okay.

Thanks for letting me know.

Bye-bye.

So?

What's our egg count?

Zero.

What?

None of them were viable.

Jill, I'm sorry.

"Are you okay?" is a stupid question, but... are you?

I don't know.

I mean, I have come at this baby thing from so many different angles, and it's just not happening.

But you can try again.

Maybe.

You want to go home?

No.

I just want