Monk S2E11 Script

Mr. Monk and the Three Pies (2004)

[ Marching band playing ]

Man: Okay, everybody, we got a ton of great prizes up here.

Tickets are only four for a dollar.

Come on, step up. Get in the running.

You can win a gift basket, win a steak dinner, or you can win yourself a cherry pie.

Whoa! You really want that pie, huh?

Ha ha ha ha.

Mmm, that smells delicious.

Yes, ma'am. It's good pie.

Good pie.

You can win this lovely gift basket, make you look pretty, smell good.

Or a steak dinner.

Excuse me.

Uh-oh! Looks like you've got some competition.

Ha ha.

And last but not least, we have a heavenly homemade cherry pie.

And the winner is...


Oh, that's me!

Well, come up here, young lady.

Here you go. Homemade cherry pie.

Now, listen, if you need any help finishing this, you let me know.

Ha ha ha ha.

Folks, that's it. That's it.

Give me that pie.

What are you doing?

Don't make me hurt you. Just give me that pie.

Get out of here! Aah!

Somebody help me! Aah!

[ Horn honking ]

[ Horn stops ]

♪ It's a jungle out there

♪ disorder and confusion everywhere ♪

♪ No one seems to care

♪ well, I do

♪ hey, who's in charge here?

♪ It's a jungle out there

♪ poison in the very air we breathe ♪

♪ Do you know what's in the water that you drink? ♪

♪ Well, I do, and it's amazing ♪

♪ People think I'm crazy 'cause I worry all the time ♪

♪ If you paid attention, you'd be worried, too ♪

♪ You better pay attention, all this world we love so much ♪

♪ Might just kill you

♪ I could be wrong now

♪ but I don't think so

♪ 'cause it's a jungle out there ♪

♪ It's a jungle out there

The wallet was still full of cash.

These guys just wanted this car.

Is that mace?

Yeah, we just found an empty cannister.

She must have put up a hell of a fight.

Good for her.

Who called monk?

Oh, they're not here for a job.

They're just here to pick up a check.

The hazelwood case.

Looking for this?


What happened here? Just a carjacking, monk.

A woman was killed. We can handle it.

They didn't take her purse?

Just a punk kid out for a joyride.

Look, monk, we're going to try to crack this one ourselves just for the novelty of it, okay?

It doesn't make any sense.

Why this car? It doesn't even have a tape player.

It runs. It's a convertible.

That's all the reason they need.

Oh, no.


Nah, it's nothing.

What is it?

It's just the barricades are a mess.

They're uneven.

You're trying to get rid of me.

No, I'm not.

Oh, look at the one on the right.

It's in the ditch.

I know what you're doing. It's not going to work.

The one in the middle's all ferkatcha.

Excuse me.

[ Cellular phone rings ]


Uh, no, I'm sharona, his assistant.

Who is this?

Oh, uh, hold on.

Adrian? Adrian?

You have a brother?


I'm sorry. You must have the wrong Adrian monk.

[ Phone hangs up ]

Stottlemeyer: How old was she?

Disher: 65.

[ Cellular phone rings ]

Okay, don't answer it. Don't...

Just don't answer it.

[ Continues ringing ]


I might have a brother.

You told me you were an only child.

I consider myself an only child.

We're not close. He...

He has issues.

Your brother has issues?

Don't you people have work to do?

There is a dead woman over there.

[ Ring ]

[ Telephone ringing ]

Monk: Ignore it. Just ignore it.

He'll stop eventually.

He has to sleep.

What's his name?


What does he do?

He writes instruction manuals for blenders and toaster ovens.

He lives in tewkesbury.

He lives 10 minutes away?


Well, if you don't pick up the phone, he's just going to come over.

No, he can't. He never leaves the house.

He has agoraphobia.

I told you, he's... [ Whistles ]

When was the last time you spoke to him?

About four years ago.

Maybe five.

[ Ringing continues ]

Was it four or five?




He didn't come to Trudy's funeral.

But you just said that he can't leave the house.

He never called or wrote... not one word.

Did you call him?

Yes, 100 times.

He never picked up the phone.

Maybe he's calling to apologize.

Too late. I don't need him.

Well, I think you do.

Don't pick... don't talk...


Is this ambrose?

Hi, hi. I've heard so much about you.



Oh, okay. Just hold on one sec.

He wants you to come right over.

He says it's very important.

I don't care!

He says it's life-or-death.

Sharon: Wow, this is where you grew up?

Are you surprised?

Nah, I just always pictured something different.

Like what?

I don't know. Like a...


Was that your swing set?

My father put it up when I was 8.

It was probably the happiest day of my life.

Looks like fun.

I wouldn't know.

You never used it?

I mean, look at it.

It's a death trap.

But it was fun watching him put it up.

He must have been disappointed.

Nah, he was used to it by then.

Two months later, he went out to pick up some Chinese food.

He never came back.


Is that him?

Okay, let's go.


I waved at him. He waved at me.

That's enough for one decade.

Adrian, you can't leave. He's your brother.

Come on.

Hello, Adrian.



This is my assistant sharona.

Oh, hi.

Hello. We spoke on the phone.

Oh, so you can dial a telephone.

I was worried.

I thought you might be paralyzed or something.

I wasn't paralyzed.

I was being sarcastic.

You were being sardonic.

Sarcasm is a contemptuous ironic statement.

You were being mockingly derisive. That's sardonic.

Please come in.

Oh, god. You didn't have to clean up just for us.

Hey. Did you write this?


I have this answering machine. This is a very good manual.

All the steps are very clear.

I'm sure you noticed the typo.

Um, no.

It's on page 42.

"Bitte druecken sie den aufnahme knopf drei sekunden."

It should read "bitte halten sie den aufnahme knopf."

You wrote the German part, too?

Ambrose can speak seven languages.

7 1/2. I'm teaching myself mandarin.

Well, that'll come in handy.

Um, here. I picked up your mail for you.

Thank you.

You know, I really, uh, like that catalog.

Can I have one? They sent you two of them.

I'm sorry, no.

Well, they're identical.

I save all my mail.

When dad comes back, he'll want to see his mail.


It'll be all ready for him.

He's not coming back.

You don't know.

Yes, I do.

You don't know everything.

Mr. Great detective.

Why aren't you out there looking for him?

'Cause I'm afraid I might find him.


Ad-Adrian, is... is that you in the photo over there?

That's me.

You're not touching.

Actually, that's as close as we ever got.

Is that your mom?


She's beautiful.

She was. We lost her in 1994.

[ Both sigh ]

So, Adrian...

Are you still living on pine street?

Oh, yeah, he has a great apartment.

You should come by sometime.

I can't.

Ambrose, don't say you can't.

I can't.

Of course you can. You choose not to.

But that's easy for you to say.

You've always been the fearless one.

Here it comes.

You should have seen him...

Going to stores and buying things all by himself when he was 15.


Driving a car when he was 24, going out on dates...

Going out on dates with women at 26 years of age.

He's a regular evel knievel.

So, anyway, ambrose, what am I...

What am I doing here?

Believe it or not, I need your help.

Something happened two nights ago.

It's my next-door neighbor. His name is pat Van ranken.

What happened?

I'm 85% to 90% sure he killed his wife.

That's his house. You can see it out the window.

His wife Rita is a friend of mine.

She comes over and makes me dinner sometimes.

Is this your old bedroom?


Wow, how does it feel to be in here?

Horrible. Thank you for asking.

[ Gasps ] You like the who?

The what?

The rock band the who. You have their album.

Oh, yeah.

All the kids enjoyed the rock 'n' roll singing groups.

And the 49ers?

Now they were a great band.

They're a football team.

I know.

You were just trying to fit in, weren't you?



This might be the saddest room I've ever seen.

Anyway, Adrian, two nights ago, I heard them fighting.

They were really screaming.

Then I heard gunshots.

Are you sure?

Four shots.

It sounded like a Lane & westing 9-millimeter.

Lane & westing doesn't make a 9-millimeter.

They did until 1992.

I know that gun. I wrote the manual for it.

Three hours later, he drove away in his pickup truck.

He was gone all night.


The next day, I called the house.

Rita wasn't there.

Pat said she was in Argentina visiting her sister, which was news to me.

When I mentioned that I saw him leave, he denied it. He said it was impossible.

His truck's been broken all summer.

He... he called me a lunatic.


Did you call the police?

They no longer respond to my complaints because I call them more often than I should.

I'd like to complain to them about it, but they no longer respond to my complaints.

When was the last time you saw the wife?

Three days ago. She borrowed a bag of flour.

She was baking pies for the town.

It's their big centennial celebration.

What do you think, Adrian?

Yeah, you might be onto something.


Oh, yeah. I'll look into it.

Let's go.

We'll look into it.

You'll look into it.

What... what are you doing?

What... what's that for?

For making my family seem normal.


Okay, okay.

Are you really going to look into it?

No, no. He's delusional.

He is the worst eyewitness in the world.

But he heard gunshots.

Sharona, the whole town has been celebrating all week.

It was probably some kid setting off firecrackers.

Well, at least you two were talking again.

Well, I'm glad you enjoyed it, because that's it.

I am never setting foot in that house again.

Okay, I have my own problems.

Really? I never noticed.

Now you're being sardonic.

What? What is it?

Van ranken's pickup.

He told my brother it hadn't been moved all summer, but look at the grass in front of the truck.

It's brown.

The truck's been moved.

[ Doorbell rings ]



Mr. Van ranken?

That's right.

Yes, hi. I'm sharona Fleming, and this is Adrian monk.


From next door?

No, no.

No, no, he's...

He's my brother.

You almost gave me a heart attack.

That guy hasn't left the house in, what, 20 years?


My wife knows him.

What is he, scared of stuff?


Yes, he's scared of stuff.

Stuff and... and things.

What can I do for you?

Well, my brother loaned your wife a bag of flour, and he sent us over to... To pick it up.

Yeah, sure. Come on in.


Is your wife here?

No, no, you missed her.

She's in Argentina. Her sister's sick.


We were thinking about doing some hiking later.


What is that melvone state park like?

Is that nice?

It's beautiful.

How'd you know I was up there?

Uh, there's a parking permit on your pickup truck.

Is that right?

I guess you couldn't have had too much fun, though.

According to the permit, you got there just before closing... 9:43 P.M.?

That's true.

It was a longer drive than I thought.

Well, let's find that flour.

Excuse the mess. I was just cleaning up.

[ Coughs ]

I don't know where she put it.

Is that a shoe?

Yeah, it's my wife's.

Guess she decided she didn't like them.

It's funny there's only one.

They... ha ha... Usually come in pairs.

What are you doing?

I was just... just looking for that other shoe.

Must be around here somewhere.

They really should be together.

'Cause they're a...

They're a, you know, a pair.

I'm sure it'll turn up.

Well, when it does, could you give me a call?

Uh, it'd mean a lot to me.


I'll do that.

There's the flour.

Thank your brother for me, won't you?

Well, I guess that's it.

I don't want to keep you.

Oh, I'm sure you don't.

Whatever happened happened in the kitchen.

He's been bleaching the floor.

And he went to the state park, maybe to Bury something.

Yes, he was parked by the Southern entrance.

How do you know that?

It's obvious. Why don't you tell her, Adrian?


The yellow acorns on his truck, which can only mean he was parked under a spotted oak tree.


Which are found...


Near water.


So that's near the river, by the Southern entrance.


Please stop saying "wow."

This detective stuff is easy.

Looks like you got a new partner.

Yeah, for any crime committed within 30 feet of this property.

So what do we do now?

Well, at this point, it's just your word against his.


Where's he going?

Let's find out.

Come on. He's heading downtown.

Ambrose, come with us.


No, no, no.

You're just going to hide in this house for the rest of your life?

That's my plan, yes.

Come on, take my hand.

Just to the end of the driveway.

You can do it. Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

I-I can't.

Ambrose, you know what?

Adrian's scared, too... All the time.

He doesn't let that stop him.

Okay, now you tell me...

What does he have that you don't have?

He has you.

He never apologized. Did you notice that?

Adrian, he's trying his best. The man's in pain.

Yeah, well, who isn't?

How can somebody not call for seven years and then just act like nothing happened?

Are you going to stay mad at him forever?

No, not forever.

Just until I die.

Ooh, there he goes.

Potato sack race?

Sorry, it's all filled up.


No, you can't be.

I have to be in this race.

Here's the thing... We're all out of sacks.

What about that one? That one's ripped.

I don't care. I'll take it.

Racers, grab your potato sacks.

On your Mark...

Get set...


[ Cheering ]


What's he doing?

He's trying to win that radio.

The first prize is this brand-new stereo boom box.

Here you go, sweetheart.


We're going to get you a new one.

Uh, and the second prize is this delicious homemade cherry pie.

Who came in second?

Right here.

Well, here you go, sir.

Bon appétit.

[ Car engine starts ]

[ Car pulls away ]

[ Gasps ]

What's he doing?

He's looking for something.

That's why he tripped.

He didn't want to win the race.

He was trying to come in second.

He wanted the pie.


Well, obviously, he...

You see, sharona, what happened was...

I have no idea.

I guess he didn't like the pie.

He was looking for something.

Something inside the pie?

Wait a minute.

Cherry pie.

Yes, cherry pie.

Pie... cherry pie.

Cherry... it's cherry. You can see it's cherry.

There was something about a cherry pie in the paper three days ago.

What is this?

Every newspaper since 1972.

I am as god made me.

It's only three days ago.

Wouldn't it be near the top?

I have my own system.

What system is that?

You wouldn't understand.

Ah, ah, here it is.

Here it is.

Right here.


The carjacking?

Oh, my god. We were there, remember? Yeah, I know.

Doesn't that label say "cherry pie"?

Yes, it does. It says "cherry pie."

How did you remember that?

It's a gift and a curse.

Oh, my god, Adrian. This is... this is...

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

I think she was killed for her pie.

So this is where you guys grew up, huh?

That's right.

What's with the filing cabinets?



30 years' worth of mail.


That makes sense.

Not to me, but...

So, captain, what do you... What do you think?

About your pie theory.


The wife baked three pies, cherry pies, for charity.

They've been giving them away all weekend.


Yeah, there's something in them, or something inside one of them...

Something worth killing for.

Captain, I have... I have your coffee, captain.

Thank you.

Why is it numbered?

Mother numbered all the mugs...

So we'd always put them back in the right order.

Of course she did.

What did she do if a mug got broken?


What happened if a mug got broken?

Number 9... it slipped. I couldn't help it.

Ambrose, not now.

It was not my fault. I'm sorry.

It was not my fault.

Did you look at the crime scene photos?

Yes, I did.


And you're right, there was no pie, but I-I like to have more than lack of pie when I go to the grand jury.

Does he own a gun?

Yes, he does.


Yes, it is, but he is a retired army sergeant, and most veterans have guns.

Plus he lied about his pickup truck.

And the one shoe in the garbage.

His wife is missing.

You want to talk about facts?

Here's a fact for you.

On Thursday night, Van ranken's wife flew to Buenos Aires.

We checked with the airline.

She purchased the ticket personally, and she boarded the plane.

Well, it might have been a girlfriend...

With a fake I.D.

Yes, he was definitely fooling around.

I-I saw him in the backyard making phone calls on his cell phone.

There you go.

Is that it?

Is that it?

You're leaving?

Yes, I have to go.

Look, I'll sniff around.

That's all I can do without real evidence.


Ambrose, it was a pleasure meeting you.

It certainly answered a few questions.

It raised about 100 more.

Here... that goes between 5 and 7.

I'll see myself out.

Listen to me...

Monk. Wait a second.

I'm late for dinner. Call me tomorrow. Wait.

Bye, captain. Bye-bye.

[ Gasps ] Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

You guys, look at this. Look at this.

Here's a schedule for all the charity events with a list of prizes.

There are three homemade pies being given away.

At the raffle, the potato sack race...

And number three?

They're giving it away tomorrow.

Do you play bingo?


Is it fun?

It's a lot of fun. You're going to hate it.

Man: And our next number is...



Hey, sharona, look who's here.

What a small world.

Let's sit here.





You want to rub my lucky troll?

It's good luck.

Uh, no, thank you.

Go ahead. Rub the troll.

No, thank you.

I-I've been rubbing trolls all day.

If you don't rub the troll, it is bad Karma.

Adrian, just rub the man's troll.

I don't want to rub the troll.

He's never going to shut up if you don't rub his troll.



What are you doing?

Not so hard.

What the hell are you doing?

And our next number is...



You don't have anything?

I'm doing great.

I'm only two away on this one.

Where's your markers?

I don't need 'em.

And our next number is...




[ Whispers ] One more. Okay.





[ All groan ]

Ha ha ha. Bingo!

We have another winner.

I'll save you a piece.

Sharona, are you sure you called the captain?


I know what Van ranken's been looking for.

I know what's in that pie.

Captain! Captain!

Captain, here, he's trying...

He's trying to get rid of the evidence!

It's in the pie!

Officer, I'd like to file a complaint.

These two have been harassing me all weekend.

Sir, could you put the pie on the truck?


You heard me.

Put the pie down and step away.

Step away from the pie.

Look, I live next door to his brother.

They're both nuts.

I know they are, sir. Please put the pie on the truck.



Okay, here's what I think happened.

Last Thursday, Rita was baking three pies for the town centennial.

She probably put them on the counter to cool.

Her husband came home. They had a fight.

Maybe pat was threatening to leave. Who knows?

But there was a struggle.

My brother said he heard four shots from a 9-millimeter pistol. If that's true, the shells were ejected from the gun as he fired.

They must have gone flying all over the kitchen.

[ Doorbell rings ] At some point, he was interrupted.

It was someone from the town coming by to collect the pies.

Hi. The pies, right?

Okay, just wait one second. I'll get them. Wait here.

Here you go. Bye.

Later, when he started cleaning up the kitchen, he got the shock of his life.

One shell casing was missing.

[ Gunshot ]

The gun is registered, so if anyone had found that casing, it would have been easily traced.

It wasn't in pie number one or pie number two.

It has to be in here.

Mr. Van ranken, we'd like permission to search your pie.


Please don't make me say that again.

What if I say no?

Well, then we hold you here as a material witness until we get a search warrant.

For a pie.

For a pie.

Sharona, would you do the honors?

Actually, this is one of my fantasies...

Except it's not a pie, and you're not in it.

Will you shut up?


It's... it's not in here.


Monk: Right... right... right... Right there, right?


Adrian, it's not in here.

But... but... sharona...

Mr. Van ranken, the department would like to ap...

We'd like to buy you a new pie.

I don't understand.

Usually when he does the whole summation thing, it's all over, right?

And we get to go home.

What is with you and these cherry pies?

Captain, look, i-I'm telling you...

Monk, what is this? Some kind of sibling rivalry thing between you and your brother?

No. No, no, no...

Don't call us, we'll call you.

Lieutenant, get in the car.

So the pie was empty?

That's right.

Is that it?

You're just going to give up?

There's nothing else I can do.

Thanks for believing me...

Or at least pretending to.

You going to stay?

No, I can't.


I made... I made dad's favorite.

Pasta primavera.

Ambrose, I-I have to go.


Sharona's waiting...

He's not coming back.

You're probably right, but just in case.

Maybe I'll see you, uh, next week.

I don't think so.

Take care of yourself.

I love you.


Say that.

Don't you say that.

I'm no expert, but I know that people who love each other, who care about each other, don't go seven years without calling.

Especially when I needed you most...

After Trudy.

You think I didn't call because I didn't care?

Then why?

What happened to you?

Do you know why Trudy was in that parking garage on the day she died?

What are you saying?

It was because of me.


She was doing me a favor.

I needed cough medicine. I called her.

I asked her to go...

Oh, my god.

To the drugstore for me.

Don't do this. She wouldn't have been in that garage if it wasn't for me.

Oh, ambrose.

It was me, Adrian. It was me. It was my fault.

No, no. [ Sobbing ] Adrian, it was my fault.

No, it was not your fault.


No, you couldn't have...

I'm sorry, Adrian. It was not your fault.

I'm sorry.

Oh, god, no, don't... No, no, no, don't.

It was not...

Adrian, it was my fault.

It was not...

It was not your fault.

[ Sobbing ]

No, no, no. Shh.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

It was not your fault.

Okay, so I'm here.

She's over here. "Where do you think you're going?"

Okay, you're Rita. You're making three pies.

You're taking them out of the oven.

She grabs the knife, right?

"Rita, don't be stupid. I'm warning you."

No, no, not there. Not there.

Remember? That's where she kept the flour.

"Don't make me do it. Don't make me do some"...

"thing I'm going to regret."

Bam, bam, bam, bam!

Bam, bam, bam, bam.


[ Knock on door ]


I'm pat Van ranken from next door.

You loaned my wife a bag of flour, remember?

I wonder if I could borrow it back.

Borrow it back?

Yeah, I'm making chili.

You don't use flour to make chili.

Open the door, freak.

Open the door!

Open the door! Open it!


The line's dead.

Sharona: Okay, we'll meet you there.

The captain's on his way.

Monk: Can't you go any faster?

Faster? Oh, my god, you must be really worried.

[ Glass shattering ]

[ Coughing ]

Oh, god, no.

Call... Call the fire department.

Call 911.

Adrian, what are you doing?

Adrian, where are you going?!

He's still in there!

How do you know?!

Sharona, he can't leave!




Ambrose: Adrian?



Ambrose, we've got to get out of here!

Yeah, I can't find number 8.


I can't find number 8. Where's number 8?

Forget about the mugs!

Get your hands up!

Van ranken.

Thank god you guys are here. I saw the smoke...

Put your hands on your head.

Hands on your head!

Turn around. Turn around.

You might be interested to know we just found your wife's body

20 minutes ago in the state park.

I can't wait to meet your girlfriend.

When's she get back from... Where is it, Argentina?

Come on.

Come on. No!

Come on, ambrose!

I can't.

You... you go.

I need you. I need you.

I-I can't lose you.

Adrian, you go. You go.

Ambrose, please, for Trudy's sake.

[ Siren wailing ]

[ Both coughing ]

Oh, my god! Are you okay?

I can't believe you went in. I...

I can't believe you came out.

[ Coughs ]

I'm out?

You're outside.

You're outside.

I'm outside.


I'm outside.

I knew you could do it.

My brother brought me outside.

Yeah. He did.

I think...

You've been looking for this.

He brought me outside.

I'm outside.

Yes, you are.

You'll never guess who's here.

Go ahead, try to guess.

You give up?


Can I go home now?

You want to stop and grab a bite first somewhere?

I think I'd rather just go home.

Yeah, I thought you might.

Would you like to help me clean up?

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

I thought you'd never ask.

Maybe we could start with the living room.