Who are you? We are three wise men.
What? We are three wise men.
Well, what are you doing creeping around a cow shed at 2:00 in the morning?
That doesn't sound very wise to me.
We are astrologers. We have come from the east.
Is this some kind of joke?
We wish to praise the infant.
We must pay homage to him.
Homage? You're drunk! It's disgusting!
Out the door! Out! Bashing me with tales about Oriental fortunetellers.
Come on, out! No, no. We must see him.
Go and praise someone else's brat. We were led by a star.
Led by a bottle, more like. Go on out.
We must see him. We have brought presents.
Out! Gold, frankincense, myrrh.
Well, why didn't you say? He's over there.
Sorry the place is a bit of a mess.
Well, what is myrrh anyway? It is a valuable balm.
A balm? What are you giving him a balm for? It might bite him.
What? That's a dangerous animal.
No, it isn't. Yes, it is.
It's great big and No, it is an ointment.
Well, there is an animal called a balm... or did I dream it?
So you're astrologers, are you? Well, what is he, then?
Hmm? What star sign is he?
Well, Capricorn. Capricorn, eh? What are they like?
He is the Son of God, our Messiah.
King of the Jews!
That's Capricorn, is it? No, that's just him.
Oh, I was gonna say, otherwise there would be a lot of them.
By what name are you calling him? Uh, Brian.
We worship you, O Brian, who are lord over us all.
Praise unto you, Brian, and to the Lord, our Father. Amen.
You do a lot of this, then? What?
This praising. No, no, no, no.
Well, if you're dropping by again, do pop in.
And thanks a lot for the gold and frankincense.
But don't worry too much about the myrrh next time, all right?
Thank you. Goodbye.
Well, weren't they nice?
Out of their bloody minds, but still... Iook at that!
That That's mine! Hey, he's a baby! Oh!
Brian The babe they called Brian He grew Grew, grew and grew Grew up to be Grew up to be A boy called Brian A boy called Brian He had arms and legs And hands and feet This boy Whose name was Brian And he grew Grew, grew and grew Grew up to be Yes, he grew up to be A teenager called Brian A teenager called Brian And his face became spotty Yes, his face became spotty And his voice dropped down low And things started to grow On young Brian and show He was certainly no No girl named Brian Not a girl named Brian
And he started to shave And have one off the wrist And want to see girls And go out and get pissed A man called Brian This man called Brian The man they called Brian This man called Bri Aah!
How blessed are those who know that He's a god.
How blessed are the sorrowful. They shall find consolation.
How blessed are those of gentle spirit.
They shall have the earth for their possession.
How blessed are those who hunger and thirst... to see right prevail.
They shall be satisfied.
How blessed are those whose hearts are pure.
They shall see God.
Speak up! Shhh. Quiet, Mum.
Well, I can't hear a thing. Let's go to the stoning.
Shhh! We can go to a stoning anytime.
Oh, come on, Brian. Will you be quiet?
Don't pick your nose.
I wasn't picking my nose. I was scratching.
You was picking it while you was talking to that lady.
I wasn't. Leave it alone. Give it a rest.
Do you mind? I can't hear a word he's saying.
Don't you "do you mind" me! I was talking to my husband.
Well, go and talk to him somewhere else. I can't hear a bloody thing.
Don't you swear at my wife.
I was only asking her to shut up so we can hear what he's saying, Big Nose.
Don't you call my husband "Big Nose." Well, he has got a big nose.
Could you be quiet, please? What was that?
I was too busy talking to Big Nose.
I think it was, "Blessed are the cheese makers."
What's so special about the cheese makers?
Well, obviously, it's not meant to be taken literally.
It refers to any manufacturers of dairy products.
See, if you hadn't been going on, we'd have heard that, Big Nose.
Hey! Say that once more, I'll smash your bloody face in.
Better keep listening. Might be a bit about, "Blessed are the Big Noses."
Oh, lay off him.
Oh, you're not so bad yourself, Conch Face.
Where are you two from, Nose City?
One more time, mate, I'll take you to fuckin' cleaners!
Language! And don't pick your nose.
I wasn't gonna pick my nose. I was gonna thump him!
Hear that? "Blessed are the Greek." The Greek?
Well, apparently he's going to inherit the earth.
Did anyone catch his name? You're not gonna thump anybody.
I'll thump him if he calls me "Big Nose" again.
Oh, shut up, Big Nose. Oh! Right. I warned you.
I really will slug you so hard Oh, it's the meek!
"Blessed are the meek"! Oh, that's nice, isn't it?
I'm glad they're getting something, 'cause they have a hell of a time.
Listen, I'm only telling the truth. You have got a very big nose.
Hey, your nose gonna be three foot wide across your face when I'm finished!
Shhh! Who hit yours, then? Goliath's big brother?
Oh. Right. That's your last warning.
Oh, do pipe down.
Silly bitch. Get in the way on me.
Oh, come on. Let's go to the stoning.
Blessed is just about anyone with a vested interest in the status quo.
Well, what Jesus fails to appreciate is it's the meek who are the problem.
Yes, yes. Absolutely, Reg. Yes, I see.
Oh, come on, Brian. They're gonna stone him before we get there.
It's the chap with a big nose's fault. He started it all.
Oh, I hate wearing these beards.
Why aren't women allowed to go to stonings, Mum?
It's written, that's why.
Oh, look, I haven't got time to go to no stonings.
He's not well again.
No, they got them up there, lying around on the ground.
Oh, not like these, sir. Look at this.
Feel the quality of that. That's craftsmanship, sir.
Well, all right. We'll have two with points and a big, flat one.
Can I have a flat one, Mum? Shhh!
Sorry. Dad. All right.
Two points, two flats and a packet of gravel.
Packet of gravel. Should be a good one this afternoon.
Who? Local boy.
Oh, good. Enjoy yourselves.
Matthias, son of Deuteronomy of Gath?
Do I say yes? Yes. Yes.
You have been found guilty by the elders of the town... of uttering the name of our Lord.
And so as a blasphemer... you are to be stoned to death.
Look, I'd had a lovely supper, and all I said to my wife was, "That piece of halibut was good enough for Jehovah."
Blasphemy! He said it again!
Did you hear him?
Are there any women here today?
Very well. By virtue of the authority vested in me Ow! Lay off! We haven't started yet!
Come on! Who threw that?
Who threw that stone? Come on.
She did! She did!
He did! He did!
Sorry. I thought we'd started.
Go to the back.
Always one, isn't there? Now, where were we?
Look, I don't think it ought to be blasphemy, just saying "Jehovah."
You're only making it worse for yourself.
Making it worse? How could it be worse?
Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah!
I'm warning you, if you say "Jehovah" once more Right. Who threw that?
Come on. Who threw that?
Him, him, him.
Was it you? Yes.
Right Well, you did say "Jehovah."
Stop! Will you stop that?
Stop it! Now, look! No one is to stone anyone... until I blow this whistle.
Do you understand? Even and I want to make this absolutely clear Even if they do say "Jehovah."
Good shot! Bravo!
Have I got a big nose, Mum? Oh, stop thinking about sex.
I wasn't! You're always on about it, morning, noon and night.
"Will the girls like this? Will the girls like that?
Is it too big? ls it too small?"
Here you are, mate.
Bless you, sir. Alms for the poor.
Alms for a leper. Alms for an exleper.
Bloody donkey owners. All the same, ain't they?
Never have any change. Oh, here's a touch.
Spare a talent for an old exleper? Buzz off!
Spare a talent for an old exleper?
A talent? That's more than he earns in a month!
Half a talent, then. Now, go away!
Come on, Big Nose, let's haggle. What?
You open at one shekel. I start at 2,000. We close about 1,800.
Go away! 1,740?
Leave him alone! All right, two shekels. Isn't this fun, eh?
Look, he's not giving you any money, so piss off!
All right. Half a shekel for an old exleper? Did you say "exleper"?
Sixteen years behind the bell, and proud of it, sir.
Well, what happened? I were cured, sir.
Cured? Yes, a bloody miracle, sir.
Well, who cured you? Jesus did, sir.
I was hopping along, minding my own business.
All of a sudden, up he comes, cures me!
One minute, I'm a leper with a trade; next minute, my livelihood's gone.
"You're cured, mate." Bloody dogooder.
Well, why don't you go and tell him that you want to be a leper again?
I could do that, sir. Yeah, I could do that, I suppose.
I was gonna ask him if he'd make me a bit lame in one leg during the middle of the week.
You know, something beggable but not leprosy, which is a pain in the ass.
Brian! Come and clean your room out!
There you are. Thank you, sir. Thank Half a denary? Me bloody life story.
There's no pleasing some people.
That's just what Jesus said, sir.
Oh! Good afternoon.
Oh, uh, hello, officer.
I'll be with you in a few moments, all right, dear?
What's he doing here? Don't start that, Brian. Go and clean your room out.
Bloody Romans! Now look, Brian.
If it wasn't for him, we wouldn't have all this.
And don't you forget it. We don't owe the Romans anything, Mum.
Well, that's not entirely true. What do you mean?
Well, you know you were asking me about your My nose?
Yes. Well, there's a reason it's like it is, Brian.
What is it?
Well, I suppose I should've told you a long time ago What? Well, Brian... your father isn't Mr. Cohen.
Well, I never thought he was. None of your cheek!
He was a Roman, Brian.
He was a centurion in the Roman army.
You mean you were raped? Well, at first, yes.
Who was it? Naughtius Maximus, his name was.
Promised me the known world, he did.
I was to be taken to Rome, housed by the Forum slaves, asses' milk, as much gold as I could eat.
Then he, having his way with me, he had Vroom, like a rat out of an aqueduct! The bastard!
Yeah, so next time you go on about the bloody Romans, don't forget you're one of 'em!
I'm not a Roman, Mum! And I never will be!
I'm a kike, a Yid, a hebe, a hooknose!
I'm kosher, Mum! I'm a Red Sea pedestrian, and proud of it!
Sex, sex, sex. That's all they think about, huh?
Well, how are you, then, officer?
Ladies and gentlemen, the next contest... is between...
Frank Goliath, the Macedonian babycrusher, and Boris Mineburg.
Larks' tongues. Wren's livers.
Chaffinch brains. Jaguars' earlobes.
Wolf's nipple chips. Get 'em while they're hot. They're lovely.
Dromedary pretzels, only half a denar. Tuscany fried bats.
I do feel, Reg, that any antilmperialist group like ours... must reflect such a divergence of interest within its power base.
Oh, great. Francis? Yeah, I think Judith's point of view is very valid, Reg, provided the movement never forgets... that it is the inalienable right of every man Or woman. or woman to rid himself Or herself. or herself Agreed. Thank you, brother.
Or sister. Or sister.
Where was I?
I think you finished. Oh, right.
Furthermore, it is the birthright of every man Or woman. Why don't you shut up about women?
Women have a perfect right to play a part in our movement.
Why are you always on about women, Stan?
I want to be one.
What? I want to be a woman.
From now on, I want you all to call me "Loretta."
What? It's my right as a man.
Well, why do you want to be Loretta, Stan?
I want to have babies.
You want to have babies?
It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them.
But you can't have babies. Don't you oppress me.
I'm not oppressing you. You haven't got a womb.
Where is the fetus gonna gestate?
You're gonna keep it in a box?
Here, I've got an idea.
Suppose you agree that he can't actually have babies, not having a womb which is nobody's fault, not even the Romans' but that he can have the right to have babies?
Good idea, Judith. We shall fight the oppressors... for your right to have babies, brother Sister. Sorry. What's the point?
What? What's the point of fighting for his right to have babies... when he can't have babies?
It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression.
Symbolic of his struggle against reality.
It's dangerous out there.
Larks' tongues. Otters' noses. Ocelot spleens.
Got any nuts? Haven't got any nuts. Sorry.
I've got wrens' livers, badger spleens No, no, no.
Otters' noses? I don't want that Roman rubbish!
Why don't you sell proper food? Proper food?
Yeah, and not those rich, lmperialist tidbits.
Well, don't blame me. I didn't ask to sell this stuff.
All right. Bag of otters' noses, then.
Make it two. Thanks, Reg. Two.
Are you the Judean People's Front? Fuck off!
What? Judean People's Front!
We're the People's Front of Judea!
Judean People's Front! Wankers.
Can I join your group? No. Piss off.
I didn't want to sell this stuff. It's only a job.
I hate the Romans as much as anybody! Shhh. Shhh!
Are you sure? Oh, dead sure. I hate the Romans.
Listen, if you wanted to join the P.F.J., you'd have to really hate the Romans.
I do. Oh, yeah? How much?
Right. You're in.
Listen. The only people we hate more than the Romans... are the fuckin' Judean People's Front.
And the Judean Popular People's Front. Oh, yeah! Splitters!
And the People's Front of Judea. Splitters!
What? The People's Front of Judea.
We're the People's Front of Judea!
Oh. I thought we were the Popular Front.
What happened to the Popular Front? He's over there.
Oh! I think I'm about to have a cardiac arrest.
Brother! Haha! What's your name?
Brian. Brian Cohen.
We may have a little job for you, Brian.
What's this, then? "Romanes eunt domus"?
"People called Romanes, they go the house"?
Ilt says "Romans, go home."
No, it doesn't. What's Latin for "Roman"?
Come on! "Romanes"?
Goes like? "Annus"?
Vocative plural of "annus" is? "Anni"?
"Eunt"? What is "eunt"? "Go."
Conjugate the verb "to go."
"lre, eo, is, it, imus, itis, eunt."
So "eunt" is?
Third person plural, present indicative. "They go."
But "Romans, go home" is an order, so you must use the The imperative. Which is?
Um, oh, oh, "i."
How many Romans? Aah! Plural, plural.
"Go home." This is motion towards, isn't it, Brian?
No, not dative!
"Domum," sir. "Ad domum." Except when "domus" takes the Locative, sir. Which is?
Understand? Yes, sir.
Now, write it out 100 times.
Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caesar, sir.
Hail Caesar. If it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off.
Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you. Hail Caesar and everything, sir.
Right. Now, don't do it again.
Hey, bloody Romans!
We're gettin' in through the underground heating system here, up through into the main audience chamber here, and Pilate's wife's bedroom is here.
Having grabbed his wife, we inform Pilate that she is in our custody... and forthwith issue our demands.
Any questions? What exactly are the demands?
We're giving Pilate two days to dismantle... the entire apparatus of the Roman lmperialist State, and if he doesn't agree immediately, we execute her.
Cut her head off? Cut all her bits off.
Send them back on the hour, every hour.
And, of course, we point out that they bear... full responsibility when we chop her up... and that we shall not submit to blackmail.
They bled us white, the bastards. They've taken everything we had.
And not just from us. From our fathers and from our fathers' fathers.
And from our fathers' fathers' fathers. Yeah.
And from our fathers' fathers' fathers' fathers. Don't labor the point.
And what have they ever given us in return?
The aqueduct. What?
Oh, yeah, yeah. They did give us that.
And the sanitation.
Oh, yeah, the sanitation, Reg. Remember what the city used to be like.
Yeah, I'll grant you, the aqueduct and sanitation are two things the Romans have done.
And the roads. Well, obviously the roads.
I mean, the roads go without saying, don't they?
But apart from the sanitation, the aqueduct and the roads lrrigation. Medicine.
Education. Yeah, all right. Fair enough.
And the wine.
Yeah, that's something we'd really miss, Reg, if the Romans left.
Public baths. And it's safe to walk in the streets at night.
Yeah, they certainly keep order. They're the only ones who could in a place like this.
All right, but apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?
Brought peace. Oh, peace! Shut up!
I'm a poor man. My sight is poor.
My legs are old and bent.
It's all right, Matthias.
It's all clear.
Well, where's Reg?
Oh, Reg. Reg, Judith.
What went wrong? The first blow has been struck.
Did he finish the slogan? A hundred times, in letters ten foot high, all the way around the palace.
Oh, great. Great.
We We need doers in our movement, Brian, but before you join us, know this:
There is not one of us who would not gladly suffer death... to rid this country of the Romans once and for all.
Oh, yeah, there's one.
But otherwise, we're solid. Are you with us?
From now on you shall be called "Brian that is called Brian."
Tell him about the raid on Pilate's palace, Francis.
Right. This is the plan.
Now, this is the palace on Caesar's Square.
Our commando unit will approach from Fish Street under cover of night... and make our way to the northwestern main drain.
If questioned, we are sewage workers on our way to a conference.
Reg, our glorious leader and founder of the P.F.J., will be coordinating consultant at the drain head, though he himself will not be taking part in any terrorist action... as he has a bad back.
Aren't you going to come with us? Solidarity, brother.
Oh, yes, solidarity, Reg.
Once in the sewer, timing will be of the essence.
There is a Roman feast later in the evening, so you must move fast.
And don't wear your best sandals.
Turning left here, we enter the CaesarAugustus memorial sewer, and from there proceed directly to the hypocaust.
This has just been retiled. So, terrorists, careful with those weapons.
We will now be directly beneath Pilate's audience chamber itself.
This is the moment for Habbakuk to get out his prong.
Campaign for Free Galilee.
Oh, uh, People's Front of Judea. Officials.
Oh. What's your group doing here?
We're gonna kidnap Pilate's wife, take her back, issue demands.
So are we. That's our plan. What?
We were here first. What do you mean?
We thought of it first. We did!
Yes, a couple of years ago. We did!
Come on. You got all your demands worked out, then?
Of course we have. What are they?
Well, I'm not telling you. Oh, come on!
That's not the point. We thought of it before you.
Did not! We did!
You bastards, we've been planning this for months.
Well, tough pity for you, Fish Face. Oh!
Brothers, we should be struggling together.
We mustn't fight each other.
Surely, we should be united against the common enemy.
The Judean People's Front!
No, no, the Romans!
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, he's right.
Right. Where were we? You were gonna punch me.
You lucky bastard.
You lucky, lucky bastard.
What? Quite the little jailer's pet, are we?
What do you mean? You must've slipped him a few shekels.
Slipped him a few shekels? You saw him spit in my face.
Oh, what wouldn't I give to be spat at in the face!
I sometimes hang awake at night dreaming of being spat at in the face.
Well, it's not exactly friendly. They have me in manacles.
My idea of heaven is to be allowed to be put in manacles... just for a few hours.
They must think the sun shines out of your ass, son.
Oh, lay off me! I've had a hard time!
You've had a hard time? I've been here five years.
They only hung me the right way up yesterday, so don't you All right, all right.
They must think you're Lord God Almighty.
What will they do to me? Oh, you'll probably get away with crucifixion.
Crucifixion? Yeah, first offense.
Get away with crucifixion? It's Best thing the Romans ever did for us. What?
Oh, yeah, if we didn't have crucifixion, this country'd be in a bloody mess.
Guard! Nail him up, I say!
Guard! Nail some sense into him!
What do you want?
I want you to move me to another cell.
Aah! Oh, look at that! Bloody favoritism.
Shut up, you! Sorry.
Now take my case. They hung me up here five years ago.
Every night, they take me down for 20 minutes, then they hang me up again, which I regard as very fair in view of what I've done.
And if nothing else, it's taught me to respect the Romans, and it's taught me that you'll never get anywhere in this life... unless you're prepared to do a fair day's work for a fair day's Oh, shut up!
Here. Pilate wants to see you.
Me? Come on!
Pilate? What's he want to see me for?
I think he wants to know which way up you want to be crucified.
Nice one, centurion. Like it.
Shut up! Right, right.
Terrific race, the Romans. Terrific!
Hail Caesar. Hail.
Only one survivor, sir. Oh. "Thwow" him to the floor.
What's that? Throw him to the floor.
Now, what is your name, Jew?
Brian, sir. "Bwian," eh?
No, no. Brian.
The little rascal has "spiwit."
Has what, sir? "Spiwit."
Yes, he did, sir.
No, no. "Spiwit," "bwavado," a touch of "dewwingdo."
Oh, uh, about 11, sir.
So, you dare to "waid" us?
To what, sir?
"Stwike" him, centurion, very "woughly."
Aah! And "thwow" him to the floor, sir?
What? "Thwow" him to the floor again, sir?
Oh, yes, "thwow" him to the floor, please.
Aah! Now, Jewish "wapscallion"
I'm not Jewish. I'm a Roman.
A "Woman"? No, no. Roman.
So, your father was a "Woman." Who was he?
He was a centurion in the Jerusalem garrison, sir.
Really? What was his name?
Centurion, do you have anyone of that name in the garrison?
Well, no, sir.
Well, you sound very sure. Have you checked?
Well, no, sir. I think it's a joke, sir.
Like, uh, "Sillius Soddus" or "Biggus Dickus," sir.
What's funny about "Biggus Dickus"?
Well, it's a joke name, sir.
I have a very great friend in Rome called Biggus Dickus.
Silence! What is all this insolence?
You will find yourself in gladiator school "vewy" quickly... with "wotten" behavior like that.
Can I go now, sir? Aaah!
Wait till Biggus Dickus hears of this.
"Wight"! Take him away!
Oh, sir, he I want him fighting wild, "wabid" animals within a week.
Yes, sir. Come on, you.
I will not have my friends "widiculed" by the common "soldiewy."
Anyone else feel like a little giggle... when I mention my "fwiend,"
What about you? Do you find it "wisible"... when I say the name...
He has a wife, you know?
You know what she's called?
She's called "lncontinentia."
Shut up! What is all this?
I've had enough of this "wowdy," "webel" behavior!
Silence! Quiet! "Pwaetowian" guards!
Seize him! Seize him! Blow your noses and seize him!
Oh, you lucky bastard.
And the bezan shall be huge and black...
And the eyes thereof red with the blood of living creatures!
And the whore of Babylon... shall ride forth on a threeheaded serpent!
And throughout the lands there'll be a great rubbing of parts.
The demon shall bear a ninebladed sword.
Ninebladed not two or five or seven, but nine which he will wield on all wretched sinners, just like you, sir, there.
And the whoring shall be on the head of Addius.
There shall in that time be rumors of things going astray, um, and there shall be a great confusion as to where things really are.
And nobody will really know where lieth... those little things... with the sort of raffia work base that has an attachment.
At this time, a friend shall lose his friend's hammer, and the young shall not know where lieth... the things possessed by their fathers... that their fathers put there only just the night before about 8:00.
Yea, it is written in the Book of Cyril... in that time
How much, quick? It's for the wife.
Oh, uh, 20 shekels. Right.
What? There you are.
Wait a minute. What?
We're supposed to haggle. No, no, no. I've got to get What do you mean, no? I haven't got time.
Well, give it back, then. No, no. I just paid you.
Burt, this bloke won't haggle. Won't haggle?
All right. Do we have to?
I want 20 for that. I just gave you 20.
Are you telling me that's not worth 20 shekels? No.
Feel the quality. That's none of your goat. I'll give you 19, then.
No, no, no. Do it properly. What?
Haggle properly. This isn't worth 19. You just said it was worth 20.
Oh, dear, oh, dear. Come on, haggle.
All right, I'll give you ten. That's more like it.
Ten? Are you trying to insult me?
Me with a poor, dying grandmother? Ten?
All right, I'll give you 11. Now you're gettin' it.
Did I hear you right? Eleven? This cost me 12. You want to ruin me?
Seventeen? No, no, no, no. Seventeen.
Eighteen. No, no. You go to 14 now.
All right, I'll give you 14. Fourteen? Are you joking?
That's what you told me to say! Oh, dear.
Oh, tell me what to say, please!
Offer me 14. I'll give you 14.
He's offering me 14 for this! Fifteen!
Seventeen. My last word. I won't take a penny less, or strike me dead.
Nice to do business with you.
I'll throw you in this as well. I don't want it, but thanks.
Burt. All right, all right.
Now, where's the 16 you owe me? I just gave you 20.
Right. That's four I owe you, then. That's right. That's fine.
I've got it here somewhere. That's four for the gourd.
Four? For this gourd?
Look at it! It's worth ten if it's worth a shekel.
You gave it to me for nothing. Yes, but it's worth ten.
All right, all right.
No, no, no, no. It's not worth ten.
You're supposed to argue. "Ten for that? You must be mad."
Oh, well. One born every minute.
And Brian. And Brian.
I now propose that all seven of these exbrothers... be now entered in the minutes as probationary martyrs to the cause.
I second that, Reg. Thank you, Loretta. On the nod.
Siblings, let us not be down on it.
One total catastrophe like this... is just the beginning!
Their glorious deaths shall unite us all in Look out!
Reg? Go away.
Reg, it's me, Brian.
Get off! Get off out of it!
Stan! Piss off.
Yeah, piss off. Bugger off.
Yea, verily at that time it is written in the book of Obadiah, a man shall strike his donkey and his nephew's donkey.
My eyes are dim. I cannot see.
Are you Matthias? Yes.
We have reason to believe you may be hiding one Brian of Nazareth, a member of the terrorist organization, the People's Front of Judea.
Me? No. I'm just a poor old man.
I have no time for lawbreakers.
My legs are grey. My ears are nulled.
My eyes are old and bent.
Quiet! Silly person.
Guards, search the house.
You know the penalty laid down by Roman law... for harboring a known criminal?
Nasty, eh? Could be worse.
What do you mean, "Could be worse"?
Well, you could be stabbed.
Stabbed? Takes a second. Crucifixion lasts hours.
It's a slow, horrible death.
Well, at least it gets you out in the open air.
No, sir. Couldn't find anything, sir.
Well, don't worry. You've not seen the last of us, weirdo.
Big Nose. Watch it!
Whew, that was lucky.
I'm sorry, Reg.
Oh, it's all right. He's sorry.
He's sorry he led the Fifth Legion straight to our headquarters.
Well, that's all right, then, Brian. Sit down.
Have a scone. Make yourself at home. You klutz!
You stupid, birdbrained, flatheaded
My legs are old and bent.
My ears are grizzled. Yes?
There's one place we didn't look. Guards!
I'm just a poor old man.
My nose is knackered.
Have you ever seen anyone crucified?
Crucifixion's a doddle.
Don't keep saying that.
Found this spoon, sir.
Well done, sergeant.
We'll be back, oddball.
You haven't given us time to hide.
ln that time The serpent, he shall strike you Holes from every bitch you got germs from Jumbo jets
Don't pass judgement on other people... or you might get judged yourself.
What? I said, don't pass judgement on other people... or else you might get judged too.
Who, me? Yes.
Thank you very much. Not just you. All of you.
That's a nice gourd. What?
How much do you want for the gourd? You can have it.
Have it? Yes. Consider the lilies.
Don't you want to haggle? No. In the field.
What's wrong with it? Nothing. Take it.
Consider the lilies? Well, the birds, then.
What birds? Any birds.
Why? Well, have they got jobs?
Who? The birds.
Have the birds got jobs?
What's the matter with him? Says the birds are scrounging.
The point is, the birds, they do all right, don't they?
Well, good luck to 'em. Yeah, they're very pretty.
Okay. And you're much more important than they are, right?
So what are you worrying about? There you are. See?
I'm worrying about what you've got against birds.
I haven't got anything against the birds.
Consider the lilies. He's having a go at the flowers now!
Give the flowers a chance. I'll give you one for it.
It's yours. Two, then.
Look, there was this man, and he had two servants.
What were they called? What were their names?
I don't know. And he gave them some talents.
You don't know? Well, it doesn't matter.
He doesn't know what they were called!
They were called Simon and Adrian. You said you didn't know!
It really doesn't matter. The point is, there were these two servants.
He's making it up as he goes along. No, I'm not!
And he gave them Wait, were there three?
Oh, he's terrible.
There were two or three. Oh, get off!
Now hear this! Blessed are they...
Three. who convert their neighbor's asses.
For they shall inhibit their girth. Rubbish!
And to them only shall be given to them only... shall be given What? Hmm?
Shall be given what? Oh, nothing.
What were you going to say? Nothing.
Yes, you were going to say something. No, I finished.
Tell us before you go. I'm finished.
No, you don't. Why won't he tell?
Won't say! It ain't a secret, is it?
Must be, otherwise he'd tell us. Tell us.
Leave me alone. What is the secret? ls it the secret of eternal life? He won't say.
If I knew the secret of eternal life, I wouldn't say.
Leave me alone! Just tell me, please.
We were here first.
Go away! Tell us, master. ls that his gourd? Yeah, but it's under offer.
This is his gourd.
Ten! It is his gourd!
We will carry it for you, master.
Master? He's gone!
He's been taken up.
He's been taken up!
Nineteen! No, there he is. Over there.
Look! Oh! Oh!
He has given us a sign.
He has given us his shoe!
The shoe is the sign. Let us follow his example.
What? Let us, like him, hold up one shoe!
For this is his sign that all who follow him shall do likewise!
Yes! No, no. The shoe is a sign... that we must gather shoes together in abundance.
Cast off the shoes. Follow the gourd!
No, let us gather shoes together! Let me!
No, it is a sign that, like him, we must think not of the things of the body... but of the face and head.
Give me your shoe! Get off!
Follow the gourd, the Holy Gourd of Jerusalem!
The gourd! Hold up the sandal, as he has commanded us.
It is a shoe! It's a sandal!
No, it isn't! Cast it away!
Put it on! Clear off!
Take the shoes and follow him!
Come back! Stop!
Let us Let us pray.
Yea, he cometh to us...
Iike the seeds of the grain.
Hey! ls there another way down?
Is there another path down to the river?
Please, please help me. I've got to get
Oh, my foot! Oh Shhh. Oh, damn, damn, damn!
I'm sorry. Oh, damn, damn it! Blast it!
I'm sorry. Shhh. Don't you "shhh" me.
Eighteen years of total silence, and you "shhh" me!
What? I've kept my vow for 18 years...
Not a single, recognizable, articulate sound has passed my lips.
Could you be quiet for another five minutes?
It doesn't matter now. I might as well enjoy myself.
For the last 18 years, I've wanted to shout... and sing and scream my name out!
Shhh. Shhh. Oh, I'm alive!
Hava nagila, hava nagila Hava nagila Oh, I'm alive! I'm alive! Hello, birds. Hello, trees.
I'm alive! I'm alive!
Hava nagila Hava n'ra, n'ra Master! Master! Master!
Master! The master! He is here!
His shoe led us to him!
Speak! Speak to us, master. Speak to us!
A blessing! A blessing!
How shall we go away, master?
Oh, just go away and leave me alone!
Give us a sign!
He has given us a sign! He has brought us to this place!
I didn't bring you here. You just followed me.
Oh, it's still a good sign by any standard.
Master, your people have walked many miles to be with you!
They are weary and have not eaten.
It's not my fault they haven't eaten.
There is no food in this high mountain!
What about the juniper bushes over there?
A miracle! A miracle!
He has made the bush fruitful by his words!
They've brought forth juniper berries.
Of course! They're juniper bushes! What do you expect!
Show us another miracle.
Do not tempt him, shallow ones!
Is not the miracle of the juniper bushes enough?
I say, those are my juniper bushes!
They are a gift from God. They're all I've got to eat.
I say, get off those bushes. Go on. Clear off.
Lord, I am affected by a bald patch.
I'm healed! The master has healed me!
I didn't touch him!
I was blind, and now I can see!
A miracle! A miracle!
Tell them to stop it.
I hadn't said a word for 18 years till he came along.
A miracle! He is the Messiah!
He hurt my foot!
Hurt my foot! Hurt mine!
Hail Messiah! I'm not the Messiah.
I say you are, Lord, and I should know. I've followed a few.
I'm not the Messiah! Will you please listen?
I'm not the Messiah! Do you understand? Honestly!
Only the true Messiah denies his divinity.
What? Well, what sort of chance does that give me?
All right, I am the Messiah!
He is! He is the Messiah!
Now, fuck off!
How shall we fuck off, O Lord?
Just leave me alone!
You told these people to eat my juniper berries!
You break my bloody foot, you break my vow of silence... and then you try to clean up on my juniper bushes!
Lay off! This is the Messiah, the Chosen One!
No, he's not. An unbeliever!
An unbeliever! Persecute. Kill the heretic!
Seize him! Leave him alone!
Leave him alone!
Leave him alone.
Let him go! Please!
Look! There he is! The Chosen One has woken!
Brian! Hang on, Mother!
Hello, Mother. Don't you "Hello, Mother" me!
What are all those people doing out there?
Well, I Come on. What have you been up to?
I think they must have popped by for something.
Popped by? Swarmed by, more like.
There's a multitude out there!
They started following me yesterday.
Well, they can stop following you right now.
Now, stop following my son!
You ought to be ashamed of yourselves.
The Messiah! The Messiah! Show us the Messiah!
The who? The Messiah!
There's no messiah in here.
There's a mess, all right, but no messiah. Now, go away.
Right, my lad. What have you been up to?
Nothing, Mum. Come on, out with it.
Well, they think I'm the Messiah, Mum.
What have you been telling them?
Nothing. I only You're only making it worse for yourself.
I can explain. Let me explain, Mrs. Cohen!
Your son is a born leader.
Those people out there are following him because they believe in him.
They believe he can give them hope hope of a new life, a new world, a better future!
That's Judith, Mum. Judith, Mother.
Ohhh! Messiah! Messiah! Messiah!
Messiah! Show us the Messiah!
Now, you listen here. He's not the Messiah!
He's a very naughty boy. Now, go away!
Who are you? I'm his mother, that's who.
Behold his mother! Behold his mother!
Hail to thee, mother of Brian!
Blessed art thou! Hosanna!
All praise to thee, now and always!
Well, now don't think you can get around me like that.
He's not coming out, and that's my final word.
Now, shove off! No!
Did you hear what I said? Yes!
Oh, I see. It's like that, is it?
Yes! Oh, all right, then.
You can see him for one minute, but not one second more!
Do you understand? Yes.
Promise? Well... all right.
All right, here he is, then. Come on, Brian. Come and talk.
But, Mum, Judith. Oh, leave that Welsh tart alone.
I don't really want to.
Brian! Brian! Brian! Brian!
Good morning. A blessing! A blessing!
No, no. Please. Please, please listen.
I've got one or two things to say.
Tell us! Tell us both of them!
Look, you've got it all wrong.
You don't need to follow me.
You don't need to follow anybody.
You've got to think for yourselves.
You're all individuals.
Yes, we're all individuals!
You're all different.
Yes, we're all different!
I'm not. Shhh.
You've all got to work it out for yourselves.
Yes, we've got to work it out for ourselves!
Tell us more!
No! That's the point! Don't let anyone tell you what to do!
That's enough. That's enough.
Ooh, that wasn't a minute!
Oh, yes it was! Oh, no it wasn't!
Now, stop that! And go away!
Excuse me? Yes?
Are you a virgin? I beg your pardon!
Well, if it's not a personal question, are you a virgin?
If it's not a personal question?
How much more personal can you get?
Now, piss off!
She is. Yeah, definitely.
Lay your hands on me, quick!
Now, don't jostle the Chosen One, please.
Don't push that baby in the Savior's face.
I say, could you just see my wife?
You'll have to wait, I'm afraid.
We've got a luncheon appointment.
The lepers are queuing.
My brotheronlaw is the exmayor of Gath!
Brian, can I introduce the gentleman who's letting us have the Mounts on Sunday?
Don't push! And keep the noise down!
Those possessed by devils, try and keep them under control.
Incurables, you'll just have to wait for a few minutes.
Um, women taken in sin, line up against that wall, will you?
Brian? Brian, you were fantastic.
You weren't so bad yourself.
No. What you said just now. It was quite extraordinary.
What? All that, was it?
We don't any leaders. You're so right.
Reg has been dominating us for too long. Well, yes.
It needed saying, and you said it, Brian. You're very attractive.
It's our revolution. We can all do it together.
I think. I think We're all behind you, Brian.
The revolution is in your hands! What?
No, that's not what I meant at all!
You're fuckin' nicked, me old beauty.
Well, "Bwian," you've given us a good "wun" for our money, what?
But this time, I "guawantee" you will not escape.
Guard, do we have any "cwucifixions" today?
139, sir. Special celebration. Passover, sir.
Right. Now we have 140. Nice, round number, eh, Biggus?
Hail. The crowd outside getting restless.
Permission to disperse them, please.
Disperse them? I haven't addressed them yet.
I know, sir, but My "addwess" is one of the high points of the Passover.
My "fwiend" Biggus Dickus has come all the way from "Wome."
Hail Caesar. Hail "Thaesar,"
You're not Are you not thinking of giving it a miss this year, then, sir?
Give it a miss?
Well, it's just that they're in a rather funny mood today, sir.
"Weally," "centuwion," I'm "surpwised" to hear a man like you...
"wattled" by a "wabble" of "wowdy" "webels."
Uh, a bit thundery, sir. Take him away.
I'm a Roman! Il can prove it! Honestly!
And "cwucify" him well. Yes.
Il really wouldn't, sir. Out of the way, "centuwion."
Let me come with you, Pontius.
I may be of "thome" "athistance" if there is a "thudden" "crithis."
Right. Now item four: Attainment of world supremacy within the next five years.
Uh, Francis, you've been doing some work on this? Yeah. Thank you, Reg.
Well, quite frankly, siblings, I think five years is optimistic... unless we can smash the Roman Empire within the next 12 months.
Twelve months, yeah? Twelve months.
And let's face it, as empires go, this is the big one, so we gotta get up off our asses and stop just talkin' about it.
Hear! Hear! It's action that counts, not words.
And we need action now! Hear! Hear!
You're right. We could sit around here all day, talkin', passin' resolutions, makin' clever speeches.
It's not gonna shift one Roman soldier!
So let's just stop gabbin' on about it. It's completely pointless.
And it's gettin' us nowhere. Right!
I agree. This is a complete waste of time.
They've arrested Brian! What? What?
They dragged him off! They want to crucify him!
Right! This calls for immediate discussion!
Right. New motion?
Completely new motion. Uh, that, uh, that there be immediate action Once the vote has been taken. Obviously once the vote's been taken.
You can't act on a resolution till you've voted on it. Reg, let's go now, please!
Right! ln the light of fresh information from Sibling Judith. Not so fast, Reg.
Reg, for God's sake! It's perfectly simple.
All you've got to do is to go out of that door now... and try to stop the Romans nailing him up!
It's happening, Reg! Something's actually happening, Reg!
Can't you understand?
Ooh. Ooh. Yup.
A little ego trip from the feminists?
What? Oh, sorry, Loretta?
Uh, read that back, would you?
Out of the door, line on the left, one cross each.
Out of the door, line on the left, one cross each.
Uh, no, freedom. Mmm? What?
Uh, freedom for me. They said I hadn't done anything, so I could go free and live on an island somewhere.
Oh. Well, that's jolly good. Well, off you go then.
No, I'm only pulling your leg. It's crucifixion, really.
Oh, I see. Very good, very good.
Well, out of the door Yeah, I know the way. Out the door, one cross each, line on the left.
Line on the left. Yes, thank you.
Crucifixion? Good. Yes.
People of "Jewusalem,"
"Wome" is your "fwiend."
To "pwove" our "fwiendship," it is "customawy" at this time... to "welease" a "wandewer" "fwom" our "pwisons."
Whom would you have me "welease"?
"Welease" "Woger"! "Welease" "Woger"!
"Vewy" well, I shall "welease" "Woger"!
Sir, uh, we don't have a Roger, sir.
What? Uh, we don't have anyone of that name, sir.
Ah. We have no "Woger."
Well, what about "Wodewick," then?
Yeah! Release "Wodewick"! Release "Wodewick"!
"Centuwion," why do they titter so?
Just some, uh, Jewish joke, sir.
Are they... "wagging" me?
Oh, no, sir.
"Vewy" well. I shall "welease" "Wodewick"!
Sir, we don't have a Roderick, either.
No "Woger," no "Wodewick." Sorry, sir.
Who is this "Wog" Who is this "Wodewick" to whom you "wefer"?
He's a "wobber"!
And a "wapist"!
And a pickpocket!
Yeah Shh! Shh! Shut up!
He sounds a "notowious" "cwiminal." We haven't got him, sir.
Do we have anyone in our "pwisons" at all?
Oh, yes, sir. We got a Samson, sir. Samson?
Samson the Sadducee Strangler, sir. Uh, Silus the Assyrian Assassin.
Uh, several seditious scribes from Caesarea.
Uh, 67 Let me "thpeak" to them.
Oh, no Yes, good idea, Biggus.
Citizens, we have Samson the Sadducee Strangler, Silus the Assyrian Assassin Several seditious scribes from Caesarea.
Good. Out of the door, line on the left, one cross each.
Jailer Excuse me. There's been some sort of mistake.
Just a moment, would you? Jailer, how many have come through?
Uh, how many have come through?
What? YYYYou'll have to... spespspespspspspeak up a bit, sir.
He'sHe'sHe's He's de Ah.
He's deaf He's deaf He's deaf as a pppost, sir.
Uh, how many have come through?
Oh, dear. I make it ninetyf ninetyf ninetyf ninetysix, sir.
It's such a senseless waste of human life, isn't it?
NNot with these bbastards, sir.
CC N CCCru CCrucifixion's too good 'em, sir.
I don't think you can say it's too good for them. It's very nasty.
Oh, it's not as nnnana not as nasty as something I just thought up, sir.
Yeah. Now, crucifixion? ls there someone I can speak to?
Well I know where to get it, if you want it.
What? DDon't worry about hihim, sir.
HHe's de He's de He's dedede He's deaf and mad, sir. Well, how did he get the job?
BBloody Pilate's pet, sir.
Get a move on, Big Nose. There's people waitin' to be crucified out here.
Could I see a lawyer or someone?
Um, do, do you have a lawyer? No, but I'm a Roman.
How about a retrial? We got plenty of time.
Shut up, you! Miserable Romans. No sense of humor.
I'm sorry. Bit of a hurry.
Can you go straight out? Line on the left, one cross each. Now
Was it something I said?
This man commands a "cwack" legion!
He "wanks" as high as any in "Wome."
Morning. Now, we will be on a show as we go through the town, so let's not let the side down.
Keep in a straight line, three lengths between you and the man in front... and a good, steady pace.
Crosses over your left shoulders, and if you keep your backs hard up against the cross beam, you'll be there in no time.
All right, centurion.
Crucifixion party Wait for it!
Crucifixion party, by the left, forward!
You lucky bastards!
You lucky, jammy bastards!
Let me shoulder your burden, brother.
Oh, thank you.
HHey! Hey! Hey, what do you think you're doing?
Uh, it's not my cross. Shut up and get on with it!
He had you there, mate, didn't he? That'll teach you a lesson.
I'm gonna give you one more chance.
This time I want to hear no "Weubens," no "Weginalds," no "Wudolph the Wednosed Weindeers."
No Spencer Tracys! Or we shall release no one!
Release Brian! Oh, yeah. That's a good one.
"Welease" "Bwian"! "Welease" "Bwian"!
"Vewy" well. That's it.
Sir, we, uh, we have got a Brian, sir. What?
Uh, you just sent him for crucifixion, sir.
Wait, wait. We do have a "Bwian."
Well, go and "wepwieve" him, "stwaight" away. Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
I shall... "welease" "Bwian"!
Get a move on, there! Or what?
Or you'll be in trouble. Oh, dear.
You mean I might have to give up being crucified in the afternoons?
Shut up! That would be a blow, wouldn't it?
I wouldn't have nothing to do. Oh, thank you.
Are they gone?
WWe've got lumps of it round the back.
What? Oh, don't worry about him, sir.
He's ma He's m He's ma He's mm He's mm He's mad, sir. Are they gone?
Oh, ye N I n Uh, I n NNNN NNNN Oh, come on!
Anyway, get on with the story. Well, I knew she never really liked him, so I just Right.
That's the motion to get on with it, passed with one abstention.
I propose we go without further ado. May I have a seconder for Let's just go. Yeah.
Bloody Romans! Watch it!
There's still a few crosses left.
Up you go, Big Nose.
I'll get you for this, you bastard. Oh, yeah?
Oh, yeah. Don't worry. I never forget a face. No?
I warn you, I'm gonna punch you so hard, you Roman git!
Shut up, you Jewish turd!
Who are you calling Jewish? I'm not Jewish!
I'm a Samaritan! A Samaritan?
This is supposed to be a Jewish section.
It doesn't matter. You're all gonna die in a day or two!
It may not matter to you, Roman, but it certainly matters to us, doesn't it, darling?
Oh, rather! Under the terms of the Roman occupancy, we're entitled to be crucified in a purely Jewish area.
Pharisees separate from Sadducees.
And Swedish separate from Welsh!
All right, all right, all right. We'll soon settle this.
Hands up all those who don't want to be crucified here.
Uh, look. It's not my cross. What?
Um, it's not my cross. I was, um, holding it for someone.
Just lie down. I haven't got all day.
No, of course. Look. I hate to make a fuss Look. We've had a busy day. There's 140 of you lot to get up. ls he Jewish? Will you be quiet?
We don't want any more Samaritans around here.
Belt up! Will you let me down if he comes back?
Yeah, yeah, we'll let you down. Next!
You don't have to do this. You don't have to take orders.
I like orders.
See? Not so bad, once you're up.
You being rescued, then, are you?
It's a bit late for that now, isn't it?
Oh, now, now. We've got a couple of days up here.
Plenty of time. Lots of people get rescued.
Oh? Yeah. My brother usually rescues me, if he can keep off the tail for more than 20 minutes.
Oh? Randy little bugger.
Up and down like the Assyrian Empire.
Hello. Your family arrived, then?
Hello, Sibling Brian. Thank God you've come, Reg.
Well, I think I should point out first, Brian, in all fairness, we are not the rescue committee.
However, I have been asked to read the following prepared statement... on behalf of the movement.
"We the People's Front of Judea brackets, officials, end brackets
"do hereby convey our sincere fraternal and sisterly greetings... to you, Brian, on this, the occasion of your martyrdom."
What? "Your death will stand as a landmark...
"in the continuing struggle to liberate the parent land...
"from the hands of the Roman imperialist aggressors, "excluding those concerned with drainage, medicine, roads, housing, "education, viniculture and any other Romans contributing...
"to the welfare of Jews of both sexes and hermaphrodites.
Signed, on behalf of the P.F.J., etc."
And I'd just like to add, on a personal note, my own admiration... for what you're doing for us, Brian, and what must be, after all, for you a very difficult time.
Reg, wwhat are you going to Goodbye, Brian, and thanks.
Well done, Brian. Keep it up, lad.
Terrific work, Brian.
Right. And For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow And so say all of us And so say all of
You bastards! You sanctimonious bastards! Where is Brian of Nazareth?
I have an order for his release. You stupid bastards!
Uh, I'm Brian of Nazareth. What?
Yeah, Ill'm Brian of Nazareth. Take him down.
I'm Brian of Nazareth! I'm Brian!
I'm Brian! I'm Brian!
I'm Brian! I'm Brian, and so's my wife!
I'm Brian! I'm Brian!
Take him away and release him.
No, I'm only joking. I'm not really Brian. No, I'm not Brian.
I was only It was a joke. I'm only pulling your leg.
It's a joke! I'm not him! I'm just having you on! Put me back!
Bloody Romans. Can't take a joke.
The Judean People's Front!
The Judean People's Front!
Come on! The Judean People's Front!
The Judean People's Front!
We are the Judean People's Front Crack Suicide Squad.
Suicide Squad, attack!
That showed them.
You silly sods.
Brian! Brian! Brian!
Judith! Terrific! Great!
Reg has explained it all to me. I think it's great, what you're doing.
Thank you, Brian.
I'll, I'll never forget you.
So there you are!
I might have known it would end up like this.
To think of all the love and affection I've wasted on you.
Well, if that's how you treat your poor old mother... in the autumn years of her life, all I can say is, go ahead, be crucified!
See if I care. I might have known Mum!
Mum! I don't know what the world's coming to.
Cheer up, Brian. You know what they say.
Some things in life are bad.
They can really make you mad.
Other things just make you swear and curse.
When you're chewing on life's gristle Don't grumble Give a whistle And this'll help things turn out for the best And Always look on the bright side of life
Always look on the light side of life
lf life seems jolly rotten there's something you've forgotten And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing When you're feeling in the dumps Don't be silly chumps Just purse your lips and whistle, that's the thing And always look on the bright side of life
Always look on the bright side of life
For life is quite absurd And death's the final word You must always face the curtain with a bow Forget about your sin Give the audience a grin Enjoy it, it's your last chance anyhow So always look on the bright side of death
Just before you draw your terminal breath
Life's a piece of shit when you look at it Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true You'll see it's all a show People laughing as you go Just remember that the last laugh is on you And always look on the bright side of life
Always look on the right side of life Come on, Brian. Cheer up.
Always look on the bright side of life
Always look on the right side of life Worse things happen at sea, you know?
Always look on the bright side of life What have you got to lose? You come from nothing.
You go back to nothing. What have you lost?
Nothing! - Always look on the right side of life Nothing will come from nothing. You know what they say?
Always look on Cheer up, you old bugger.
The bright side of life Give us a grin. There you are.
See? It's the end of the film. Incidentally, this record's available in the foyer.
Always look on the right side of life Who do you think pays for all this rubbish?
Always look on the bright side of life I told him. I said to him, "Bernie, there'll never make their money back."
Always look on the right side of life