Morning Glory (2010) Script

Hi. Hi, hi. Hey.

You must be... Bill.

Yeah. Hi.

Hi. Becky. Hi.

Thanks for having dinner so early. I know it's... it's a pain.

No, that's, that's...

Interesting crowd.

Yeah. My job is the problem.

I'm... I work at Good Morning, New Jersey and...

Right, on channel nine. Right? Right. Yeah.

So, yeah, we're on really early, so I... I go to bed really early and we used to be on at, 5am, but then we got bought by this giant company and they wanted to run us instead of infomercials.

'Cause we generate slightly more revenue and...

Now we're on at four.

Sorry, I'm gonna turn this off. It's so...

Sorry. That's like, oh, my God, that's so annoying when people do this. It's like, "check, please."

I'm not gonna touch this... ever again. Sorry.

No, that's, it's... it's OK.

It's OK.

I...

I'm... I'm really glad that you picked this place. I. ..

You know, it kind of reminds me of Matthews in Waldwick.

They have the most amazing, like, delicious, thick, big, juicy...

Lots of Belgian waffles and syrup in the...

And...

Anyway... boring!

What do you do?

Anna told me you're in... Marketing.

Right. For an insurance company, and I dabble in ceramics, but...

Take it.

Sorry, it's... I... This is my boss.

Go ahead. Take it. Really?

Yeah. OK, great, thanks.

Just be a sec. Promise.

Hi! Yeah, yeah.

I left three messages for his attorney. I don't know.

If he doesn't call me back, I'm gonna... I'll wait outside his office.

Good morning, Becky. 'Night, Jim.

Good morning, New Jersey, it's 2am.

We cover the Garden State from corner to corner.

...the perfect alternative...

New Jersey Transit is reporting a 20-minute delay...

...come out in support of your local eateries.

Powerball Lottery Jackpot...

Right in the base...

Yes, but I did it in a really adorable way.

Rent a mini-rig. Cheaper and we can get closer to the action.

I was thinking we'd get someone in the winner's circle.

A piñata? You can do the piñata?

I can do it. Yeah? OK.

Four... three... Thank you, thank you.

Ready to dissolve to jib. Jib, ready to make your move.

Ten seconds to air, everybody.

Ready to roll track and fade up under one.

...three, two... one.

Roll track and fade up under one.

Good morning, New Jersey. 4:38 if you're just waking up.

A quick look at traffic now.

Holland Tunnel is backed up 'cause of an overturned big rig in the right and center lanes.

Officials say this should be cleared up in about an hour.

So then, expect delays from Ridgefield Park.

But until then, you should... Is that snoring?

Jesus. Not again. Can you go to the single of Ralph?

Harry, Harry. The Deko!

Wrong lower third! The Deko!

...the hidden dangers that could be in your home.

All that and a look at sports at the top of the hour.

Stick with us here at Good Morning, New Jersey.

Oh, my God.

Nice shot. You're a stud. No problemo.

Rain will fall when you go to the mall Later will clear, the sun will appear Overnight low is 50 Move your rear Hey, ho, whoo Hey. Hi.

Hey, I talked to Raymond in HR. He said the company's reorganizing all the stations and they've budgeted us for a new senior producer.

They pulled your employment records. You're getting it, Becky.

You're finally getting the job.

Hey, kiddo, can you come by my office after the show?

Oh, me. No, not me, you.

Yes.

The puppy, a Chinese crested is worth over $600 and answers to the...

Make your move, jib, make your move...

And in Newark today, police arrested 12 members of...

What? What's going on? What is that?

We thought you might need this.

That better not be a box of condoms again and I didn't even use the old one.

No, you're gonna use this.

Oh, my God.

Congratulations. Congrats.

That's so sweet.

Becky, we have to let you go.

I'm really sorry about this, kiddo.

Corporate wants us to reduce our overhead.

We're having to make big cuts and they want me to hire a senior producer with more business experience to manage the contraction of the show.

But wait a second. You told them you can't do that, right?

Because I... I've been here so long and I've worked so hard.

His name is Chip.

He's... Chip starts Monday.

He has an M.B.A. and a journalism degree from Columbia.

They're grooming him to run the whole station in a few years.

In the meantime, I can't afford to keep you both.

Becky, look, I'm really... Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. Shit, shit, shit. Shitty...

Becky, I... I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry.

I fought them as hard as I could. There's lots of terrific opportunities out there, you know? I mean, look at Chip. He got one.

So maybe this is just the push I need, you know?

So it can get me to the next level, maybe even to a network or...

Yeah. I mean, it's not like it's my whole life. It's only work, right?

Did you get any severance?

There were some budgetary cuts last year, so they weren't really offering.

But I have feelers out. Lots.

Yeah, great. Honey, you think the Today show is gonna call you up and hand you a job, you have since you were eight, and it's not gonna happen. I don't, I know that, I do, I get it.

This is partly my fault. I...

I let your father get your hopes up.

He was not a happy person, let's face it.

When he saw you aim high, he started to feel better about himself, so I never said anything. What are you saying?

You had a dream, you know? Great.

When you were eight, it was adorable.

When you were 18, it was inspiring.

At 28, it's officially embarrassing.

And I just want you to stop before we get to heartbreaking.


The troops are involved in proJects...

Waiting arrival...

On my BlackBerry, it shows that you got my e-mail, so I was just wondering if... Yeah, it shows when someone's opened it.

Hello?

Becky Fuller. Yeah.

I wanted to make sure that you got the resume that I e-mailed you.

You did. Great.

Becky Fuller again. I was just wondering if...

Yes, I did call yesterday, but I updated my resume last night and thought you might...

I'm calling because I was checking up on the position and I was wondering if it had been...

Hi, Becky Fuller. Hi.

Hi, this is Jerry Barnes calling from IBS in New York. How are you?

Good. Terrific. Listen, I'm calling

'cause I received your resume, all five of them, actually.

And it Just so happens, that we're looking for somebody at the moment.

I'll take it.

Well, wait, I haven't told you what it is yet.

Sorry. Well, our morning show has a vacancy and so... I'll take it!

We're interviewing a bunch of people. Maybe you can come in and we can have a talk. Sure! Absolutely.

Just tell me where to go and who to talk to.

OK, I'll get you an e-mail with the details of where we are in the city.

Sorry! And shall we say 3:00?

Thank you, thank you!

Oscar says you're very talented and you work incredibly hard.

Says you're the most promising producer that he's ever fired.

Well, that's, that's good. I think.

So you're a fan of our morning program?

Yeah, I think it has so many... Yeah, yeah, we know it's terrible.

Perpetually in fourth place behind the Today show, Good Morning America and that thing on CBS, whatever it's called.

It's a source of constant humiliation.

Last year, in the network softball league, the CBS team wore hats that said, "At least we're not Daybreak."

The anchors of the show are difficult and semi-talented.

I think Colleen Peck is a pro. Heinous.

Paul McVee is a fine reporter. Foul.

OK. Is Daybreak a shitty show? Yes.

But it's on a network. And not just any network.

This is one of the most legendary news divisions in the entire history of television! Daybreak just needs someone who believes in it, who understands that a national platform is an invaluable resource, that no story is too low or too high to reach for!

Are you gonna... sing?

Look, Mr. Barnes. Jerry.

Daybreak's facilities are antiquated.

It's understaffed, underfunded. And the pay.

It's awful, about half of what you made at Hey, How The Hell Are You, New Jersey?

You've never been an executive producer. You're too young.

Nobody's ever heard of ya. And here, your education, three, not four years, at Fairleigh Dickinson in Teaneck, also known as Fairly Ridiculous. Did I miss anything?

Daybreak needs what I need, someone who believes that it can succeed.

Trust me, I know you don't have any reason to believe in me, but I work harder than anyone else.

I'm in first, I'm out last.

I know a shitload more about the news than someone whose daddy paid them to smoke bongs and talk semiotics at Harvard and I devote myself completely to my job. It's what I do.

It's all I am. I...

You can ask anyone.

Well, that's... embarrassing.

OK.

Thanks for the tour, and... thanks for... for...

Thanks.

It's these buttons right here.

Oh, lobby. Yes, thanks.

Good day so far?

I don't think so.

I talked too much. Ruined it.

Damn it.

Sir.

I am such a huge admirer of yours.

I'm a... I'm a big, huge fan. I...

My whole family watched you, growing up. I...

Of all the anchors, you were, by far, the greatest reporter.

I mean when you were in Kosovo, I was in Kosovo.

She work for you? No.

I'm just here to teach her how to use the elevator.

Are you done?

Yes, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

May I?

Oh, God, sorry. I...

Of course, of course.

Oh, my God, I can't believe I just met the...

Wait a second. You know him. Yes, I do know him.

He's the third worst person in the world.

Hello? Becky Fuller.

Yes? You sure you can do this Job?

Yes.

You start on Monday. Thank you.

Yes, I am calling about the one-bedroom.

Yes, I'm moving into town. I've got a new job.

I'm extremely neat and tidy.

In summer camp the kids used to pay me to make their beds.

Yeah. Sorry, that was an overshare.

No loud music. No kids.

I don't even have a boyfriend. Just me.

I'll take it. I'll take it, I'll take it.

Sorry!

Sorry!

Sorry!

Also, we'll have more on the flooding in lowa.

Finally, some good weather news on the way for those folks.

So please Join us tomorrow and thank you for spending your morning here at Daybreak. Take care, everyone.

Are you interviewing at Daybreak? Goodbye.

Assistant? Intern?

No. Actually, I'm the new executive producer.

Another one?

Don't unpack.

Miss Fuller? Lenny Bergman, Senior Producer.

Yes. I know who you are.

You started out at WABC. You were at CBS for two years and here for 13. Yeah, wow.

Here, let me, let me give you a hand. I just have one question.

Why haven't they bumped you up?

It's not for me. I did it for a couple of weeks once, but they put me back at number two. Apparently, the crying was distracting.

You'll love it, though. It's a great job.

Our morning meetings are at five. Isn't that kind of late?

Late? I mean, it's just that...

I'm, I'm used to early hours, so...

Well, maybe we should try better doughnuts.

Excuse me. At the Today show, the senior staff is usually... Hi....in by 4:30...

We're just like the Today show, except, you know, without the money, viewers, respect. But very similar. OK.

OK? That's... that's one of our good doorknobs.

Let me take care of this.

Colleen Peck has been here forever. Don't mention that.

But McVee is paid more. Don't mention that, either.

They hate each other. Don't mention that.

But that's because Colleen hates everybody. Don't mention that.

And she used to sleep with McVee, who threw her over for her assistant.

Do not mention that. Got it.

After you talk to Colleen... Yeah, yeah?

Make sure you get me before you talk to McVee, so I can go with ya.

Why? I don't... Just trust me, OK?

OK. OK.

OK. Good.

Can I just... Sure. OK, you ready?

I'm ready. Good luck.

Do you know how many EP's I've had in the past 11 years?

Fourteen.

If they're stupid, they get fired, and if they're smart, they quit.

And now look what I get.

Well...

It's a pleasure... You think it's fun being in last place? Do you think I enjoy working for a network that spends more on one episode of a dating show about a bachelor dwarf than our entire weekly budget?

No... And I've never had a decent co-anchor ever! We're gonna change...

Just a revolving door of cretinous morons. Our ratings are in the crapper.

I mean, how long can this show limp along like this?

I know that everyone's been through a lot, and I know that there's been so many challenges along the way. But, you know...

You will fail like everyone else and then you'll be gone, like everyone else.

But I will still be here, pulling the train up the hill with my teeth.

You think it's fun getting your ass kicked?

No... Welcome to Daybreak.

Enjoy the pain, Gidget.

No! It's OK. I have it! I've done this a zillion times and...

I'm gonna fix that and... See ya later!

Good talking to you.

Paul! Hi! I'm... I'm Becky Fuller.

Your new EP. Thrilled to meet you.

I was just thinking maybe we could go over a few ideas.

I was thinking maybe we could get you on the street and do some remotes.

Yeah, I don't like to leave the studio. I like climate control.

But, if you want, we could discuss this further privately.

What size are your feet?

You wear about a six and half? Seven? Pardon?

How do you feel about having them photographed?

Good? Feel good about that?

You should. I keep 'em very classy.

I... don't...

Can I show you my blog? "Sexy Feet?"

No. Yes?

No.

I met Paul. You talked to him alone?

I told you to come see me first. I know, but...

What was I gonna do? Hi, everyone. Hi, I'm Becky.

Hi. Good morning.

Oh, God, look who's here. I mean not here.

McVee. So shocking, huh?

Yeah, well, Mr. McVee doesn't always come to these things.

Oh, could you tell Paul that we need him, please? Thanks.

OK, so let's just dive in, shall we?

Who wants to start?

Tomorrow Rocco DiSpirito wants to make lasagna.

I told him we did that last week with the Barefoot Contessa, but he's insisting. What do I do? For the segment on miniskirts, do you want all size models? Next week, I want to do a piece on juice cleanses. All the celebs are doing them and they have amazing powers of rejuvenization.

My idea is that I get a juice cleanse and then we can, like, measure my toxins... For the Carville interview...

I'm sorry, Lisa, do you want the living room set or the stools?

ABC says we can't have Eva Longoria until two weeks after she does G.M.A. What do we do? On psychic animals, would you prefer a parakeet or an iguana?

I'd like to do a piece on weathervanes. They are fascinating.

Like did you know the word "vane" comes from the Old English "fana", which means flag or weathercock? Friday, for cooking with squash, inside or on the plaza? They're offering us the third lead in the new Patrick Dempsey movie. Do you want him?

Great story out of Tampa about a retirement account scandal.

But we got to move quick. Should we send a team or just local talent?

...control room's on the fritz. Ten grand to fix it.

For that piece on baby food, do we want an actual baby, and if so, white, black, Hispanic, Asian, blonde hair, brown hair, teeth, or no teeth?

I have a black baby at home.

I'm sorry, I can't hear what you're saying. I...

Hello! Hi, hi. Does someone wanna tell me why I had to log off BangingGrannies.com for this?

Asshole.

Tell Rocco if he insists on making lasagna, he will be bumped.

Yes, all size models, but skirts not too short. Toxins?

Who said that? They can't be measured.

And "rejuvenization," not a word. Tell Longoria's people that she can't plug her next film unless we get her within a week of G.M.A.

Parakeet. Ernie, weathercock? Seriously?

The plaza for squash. I want Patrick Dempsey.

Tell his people we'll run him in the first hour and he can talk about whatever his thing is. Tampa Bay, definitely local talent.

And we've got to fix that sound board.

Find ten grand in the budget somewhere.

The hair and makeup numbers, those were too high. So, Colleen, could you share your hair person with Lisa?

That'd be great, great. OK. Asian baby, no teeth.

Lesbian parents. OK.

Did I miss anything?

Oh, Paul!

You're fired.

You're adorable. Fired!

I'm sorry. That was unprofessional.

Congratulations. The first day, you flushed your anchor and you got no money to pay for another one.

He was lowering the morale of the show.

How is that possible?

Look, you must have someone under contract.

A local anchor, a reporter. I'll find someone.

I'll promote from within. That'll be great for morale!

Go nuts. Find somebody great. It just can't cost me a penny.

What if I gave them one of my three pennies?

Whatever it takes. Just get the ratings up.

Lenny, hi. Yeah. Very positive. He thinks we have terrific options.

...plunge from 200 points right before closing.

Analysts fear that this... He's not bad.

Yeah, he's OK. Put a saddle on him, he's good to go.

-...are not happy. Should we watch 86 again?

I got to get home, see the kids, or the wife is gonna kill me.

You have kids?

What? No.

No? Husband? Boyfriend?

Me? What? No.

No, I'm sorry. Stupid question. You know...

You're hideous and repulsive. You know what? Forget 86.

I think that we should watch the Miami guy again, 'cause he was, I mean, you know, he was a little bit tan, but I think...

I think that we could wipe that off, it's probably just one of those self-tanner things. I could, you know, fix that.

Good night.

Hey, look. It's Mike Pomeroy's fangirl.

Hello. Hey.

That was you.

That was really embarrassing.

I may need to have you killed.

I'm... I'm Becky Fuller. Sorry.

"Becky Fuller" Becky Fuller?

The one who took out McVee? You're a legend already.

Thanks. I'm Adam Bennett.

I'm a producer upstairs at Seven Days.

Hello. So you lookin' for a new anchor?

Yes. Not that guy.

You can't use that guy. That's the horse guy.

He's not too bad. I mean, as long as we leave our hand flat when we feed him a carrot.

Well, good luck, Becky Fuller. Thank you, Adam Bennett.

Need any help? No. I'm good. Thanks.

The sports guy from St. Louis is not bad. Let's watch him again.

No, we need some gravitas. We need people to trust us.

I mean, if news breaks on the air, we need to be able to cover it credibly.

What, do you actually think that we can cover breaking news?

God, that's adorable. Thousands gathered today to see if the tiny buck-toothed creature would spot his own shadow.

But the sad tooth is, according to Punxsutawney Phil, this bitter winter is far from over. Back to you, Mike.

What?

Yesterday, the Secretary of State held a top-level State Department security brief... What's funny?

You put Seabiscuit back in? But we agree that Hezbollah has shown a willingness to continue to attack.

Becky? Can I call you back?

...lsraeli incursions.

What steps are you taking to limit these Hezbollah retaliations?

You have Pomeroy under contract, right?

Yeah. He was supposed to do stories for one of our magazine shows.

Yeah? We couldn't use anything he pitched.

Nothing? An eight-part story on the United Nations. An interview with a Pashtun warlord.

A piece on microfinance in Asia? It's all been so tempting.

Jerry! So we're just paying him to sit there.

Wait. But he must have millions on his contract.

You have a world-caliber news man with nothing to do!

Becky, this is... No, Pomeroy has reported on every major story of the last three decades, with integrity and courage!

I mean, he was the only anchor to go down to Ground Zero on the day.

His Q ratings, I looked at them, they're unbelievable, and you're already paying him. I have to go. We'll discuss this.

I...

I want to look at his contract!

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Hi.

I need your approval to look at his contract.

Please.


Hi.

Hi.

I'm Becky Fuller and...

We actually met the other day in the elevator.

And what the hell are you doing here?

I'm the producer of Daybreak and we're actually looking for a new anchor.

Then why are you here?

Well, it's funny that you should ask.

Go away.

OK, just hear me out, because the show actually has a lot of potential.

We're starting over basically, and with an anchor as esteemed and respected as yourself...

You've been a journalist your whole life, ever since your elementary school paper, The Beaverton Bee.

I mean, you've got to miss it. You... News breaks, it must just kill you not to be out there. Morning shows don't do news.

Jesus, Daybreak. Half the people that watch your show have lost their remote.

The other half are waiting for their nurse to turn them over.

If I wanted to come back, I could have any job I chose.

But you can't work on another network for another two years.

So I'll continue to enjoy my life on IBS's dime.

All right, I didn't want to have to do this.

I looked at your contract. What?

With the lawyers. My contract?

You're right. They do have to pay you for the last two years of your contract.

Unless six months have elapsed without you appearing on the air in any capacity.

Then, if the network offers you an official position and you don't take it, they can terminate your contract and the six million dollars that you have left on it.

So, here's me with an official offer.

Mike Pomeroy, the IBS network would like to offer you the position of co-host of Daybreak.

You're joking. No.

Actually, I'm not.

Do you have any idea what's going on in the world?

And you want me to do stories about baked Alaska?

After the career that I've had?

You just need to have an open mind.

Open mind. I mean, yes, the morning news has a wider range of stories... A wider range?!

Your program is in the news department, you cretin!

News is a sacred temple.

And you're part of the cabal that's ruining it with horseshit!

That's not actually fair.

Because the first half hour of a morning show is a damn fine news broadcast.

Sure, we cover news and entertainment.

That's everything a newspaper has ever done.

There's nothing wrong with that. Think of it this way:

We're like a well-informed neighbor, coming over to chat with people in the morning. You know, Brokaw did the morning news.

And Charlie Gibson. Walter Cronkite did it at the beginning of his career.

I mean, he co-hosted a morning program with a puppet named Charlemagne.

Well, then... get a puppet.

It's inexpensive and uses things you already have around the house.

You can make globes, hats, especially piñatas.

Now, mâché means "to chew" in French, but we're not actually going to be eating any of this, right?

Of course not!

No.

Coming up next, you've heard her sing.

Well, today, you're going to hear about her sweet tooth.

Join us as we bake brownies with Celine Dion's personal chef.

All that and more, coming up on Daybreak.

We're clear! Oh, my God, will somebody please get this off? Thank you, thank you.

Thank you very much. OK, so, we don't have time for the sit-down, so we're just gonna run the package, all right?

Are you OK? What?

Don't beat yourself up. He was never gonna do it. Pomeroy?

How did you know that? Mike was never gonna come to work at this little dog and pony show, especially not working for somebody like, well, I'm sorry, but you. OK. Like, yeah.

You. Not in a thousand years. I mean, obviously, don't get me wrong, I would have... I would have welcomed him with open arms.

Oh, my God.

I heard he was coming in, but I didn't...

I've won eight Peabodys.

A Pulitzer.

Sixteen Emmys.

I was shot through the forearm in Bosnia.

Pulled Colin Powell from a burning Jeep.

I laid a cool washcloth on Mother Teresa's forehead during a cholera epidemic.

I've had lunch with Dick Cheney.

You're here for the money.

That is correct.

Five, four, three...

Fuck.

Welcome back to Daybreak.

God, does he cook? Does he do... I don't know, fashion segments and gossip?

Does he have three-year-old octuplets barf all over him like I did last year?

Well, unfortunately, in the '80s, someone gave him story refusal rights, so no.

I don't care. Does he know that this is called morning television?

Yes, and I think that after a little bit of time, he's really gonna want to do a mix of stories.

Face it! I'm going to end up making turkey meatballs with Mario Batali for the rest of my natural life. I need the new titles ASAP.

OK, let's move it. Single malt. We've got the hand soap, we got the mixers, the papers, the tropical fruit.

Here we go. Whoever heard of mangosteen?

Apparently, he has. This is Colleen's dressing room and... She's so looking forward to seeing you.

Good. Great. Glad to hear it.

And this is mine?

Yes, but Colleen is... Never mind.

You got me the newspapers?

The mixers?

The tropical fruit plate.

All stipulated in your ten-page rider.

Nice of you. Yes...

Colleen wants me, I'll be in here.

OK.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. He should come in here.

OK. What the hell is that?

No hurry.

No. No and no.

OK.

Did you tell her I have papaya in here?

He gets a tropical fruit plate? That is just so pathetic.

That guy might be our only hope.

So I suggest you just man up and get in there!

That is such a good speech!

Guess what? I'm not going.

So, we'll be shooting Mike's promos all week and then we'll finalize the format of the show on Friday.

Then we'll rehearse Mike's openings and segues.

Excuse me. Who is going to say goodbye?

Pardon? Well, at the end of the show?

It doesn't really matter.

I mean, Mike, you don't mind if Colleen says goodbye?

Well, who do you think the public would rather hear from last?

Someone who's won every broadcast award on the face of the planet or the former Miss Pacoima?

It's Arizona!

In case you're interested, I was Miss Arizona!

Christ!

We can't both have our arms folded.

And I am the female here, I think.

Colleen on this side. Of course, I'd be more than happy to.

Can you just step away, just for a second? Thanks.

We don't want to take up your precious... Hello?!

Is that better? What's next? Bubble bath?

Hey. Hi!

Hey. Hi.

Hey, I just came to... to offer my condolences on hiring the third worst person in the world.

Thanks.

Yes. I... Who are the other two?

Kim Jong-il and Angela Lansbury, actually.

She knows what she did. OK.

So, I... I gather that you worked with Mike at the nightly news.

Worst year of my life. The entire time we worked together, the only thing he ever called me was Señor Dipshit.

It's not funny.

I'm sorry, that's not funny. No.

That's terrible. That is terrible, actually.

Yeah, so...

So now is an excellent time for you to take up drinking.

And... And I came by to say that sometimes after work, a few of us go over to Schiller's on Madison, so, you know, if you're ever around...

Around. Yeah, available.

Oh, OK. Yeah. That... would be nice.

Yeah, I... I don't, I don't really go out very much, but if I'm in the neighborhood, I will definitely stop by and say hi. Well, like tomorrow.

Around eight. OK. Yeah, sounds good.

All right. Sure, yeah.

Bye. Bye.

That's not too shabby. You got a new anchor.

Somebody asked you out on a date. Things are lookin' up.

That was... He... Not asking me out on a date.

I think it was. I was standin' right there.

No, no. Yeah.

He was just mentioning that he might be somewhere. I mean...

Come on, please, I think I would know if I was being asked out on a date.

It's a date. So, we've got the bird whisperer confirmed for Tuesday? Yes.

Great. And... Al Green on the plaza Wednesday.

Two songs. OK.

And Colleen, do you want to do the interview between the songs?

No, let me.

Yeah, I'll do it.

OK. Mike, so we have this great story on children's water safety.

That's the... Not my thing.

OK, how about a rundown of the new shows on the fall television season?

Oh, yeah. That's a no. OK.

The boom in organic farming. Very hot topic right now.

That's newsy, right?

What do you want me to do? Fire another anchor?

Then we're gonna be stuck with that guy who counts with his hooves.

Colleen can't do every story that's not hard news.

It's Mike Pomeroy. He's a legend. What am I supposed to tell him?

There she is. What...? Oh, hi.

Interesting, Jerry hired you.

No polish. No pedigree. Those bangs.

What was he thinking?

Just wondering.

He's a peach. Yeah.

Coming soon to Daybreak, one of the most legendary newsmen of all time.

Soon, he'll be bringing his experience to morning television.

Let Mike Pomeroy show you the world over your first cup of coffee!

Oh, for Christ's sake. What? What, what, what is it now?

It's embarrassing. I mean, what's in the briefcase?

What do you mean? What? Special anchorman papers?

It doesn't matter. My lunch? Where am I going?

We've been over this eight times! I'm running to nowhere.

I look like a jackass! No... Yes, you do.

You know, whoever gave you promo approval was smoking crack!

I want to meet that person. I was mopping the floor with Peter Jennings at the time. I want to have words with...

I could have had hookers and eight balls written into my contract.

How nice for you. -...over your first cup of coffee.

Why do we have to mention that first cup of coffee? Why not just say, "Watch Mike Pomeroy before your morning dump?"

One of the most legendary newsmen...

So for the fashion segments, I think it's important that we interpret runway trends for our viewers because they're not all six foot and size zero.

Man, he's cute. I went to Yale with him.

Shut up. You did not.

Everyone was madly in love with him.

Actually, just me and every single person I knew.

Can we just...? His dad was editor of Newsweek.

His mom's family is rich as hell. They own like Tupperware or something.

He rowed crew for Yale when they won the national championship.

Hi.

You know him? No. Yeah, well, yes, I mean, I...

Yes. Don't you think he's smokin'?

Smokin'. Yeah.

I don't know, I don't know. Let me see. I don't know.

Not a hard question. He's walking away.

So jeans and belts.

You have a rash or something spreading on your neck.

Well, you know, I asked him to do a piece on Trump.

And he actually picked up my Diet Coke and hurled it across the room.

Wow, he picked it up. Just missed me. He did.

I asked him to cover a bumper crop of cranberries and he slapped me in the face.

He did? It's true.

Really? Of course, he was drunk off his ass.

Adam!

Hi. Hi. How are ya?

I'm good. Hi.

You never called me! I'm sorry.

We... I was... I've been workin' a lot.

Well, maybe I'll see you at Barton's regatta party on Saturday.

Great, great. OK, great.

Yeah, cool.

Sorry, I was just... That's OK.

Absolutely fine. That's fine, fine.

Bye. See you later.

Yeah. So, anyway, the reason that I came by tonight, was because I don't really know that many people who know Mike, and I thought, that, you know, I could get your professional feedback.

My feedback? Yeah, you know.

I mean, 'cause I'm actually new in town and I don't.. .

Come on. No, please.

...have that many work contacts, so...

Great. So... we'll be contacts?

That would be great.

Well, you can never have enough of those.

No, you can't.

So, definitely be seeing you around.

OK. OK.

Shit.

OK. Good rehearsal. Good stuff.

So let's just alternate the voiceover intros of the headlines.

OK. And then ad-lib.

So, let's say, for example, we're doing a story about, I don't know, a midterm election. But we won't.

Because the morning shows don't do news.

Pompous. That's really interesting. That's a different color for you.

That's... OK, and you two should just sort of, you know, banter back and forth a little bit.

Banter, from the Latin word, meaning " to gibber like a moron?"

Just, you know, talk about the headlines.

That's... that's what I mean.

I'm not gonna sit here and rehearse like I'm in summer stock.

I've been on the air for 40 years, for Christ's sake.

I think I know how to ad-lib.

The spill began when the tanker was damaged in heavy seas outside Galveston.

Knock, knock.

Can I come in?

I just wanted to say, you know, good luck.

Colleen's Pap smear.

A television classic.

Are you drunk?

Insufficiently.

Current weather conditions are complicating efforts

-...to contain the... That's my chair.

What?

That's where I belong. There.

...authorities have asked the federal government...

Took it away from me, those motherfu...

I think maybe you should just go home...

See this? Yes. What is that?

Forty-year-old Bruichladdich.

I only drink this when I'm practically suicidal.

OK.

You're, you're very funny.

Well, I'm gonna see you tomorrow... right?

...is almost impossible to calculate.


Hi.

Hi. Hi.

Hi. I...

Sorry. I thought that I might swing by to...

...see if...

What are you working on?

We're working on a piece on the communist rebels in the Philippines.

Good. That sounds great. So I went to the bar the other night to see you.

Yeah, I could tell. By the way you ran in the other direction.

Your arms, pinwheeling.

Yeah. OK, fair, true.

I think that you're sort of...

...comically great.

And I thought it seemed so promising so I bungled it, because that's what I do. I bungle things.

I bungle and I ramble, and that's kind of like what I'm doing right now, talking about it. You threw me off guard.

You, with your...

And the... and the, this...

And the...

My working on a loom?

My, my... No.

-...double-handed craps. My... I...

My Jazzercise. Rowing. Rowing.

Rowing? Championship?

I never would have got that.

But you know what I mean.

That I didn't think that you... liked me.

But I do. Oddly.

You're... different.

And a deeply terrible mime.

Well, I asked you out. Then when I saw you at the bar, I practically tackled you to the ground. What part of that was confusing?

Here, here, here, sit down.

Look, my radar for that kind of thing is so bad.

I mean, I don't know if a man's interested in me until he's naked.

I mean, the pants come off and then I'm like, "I guess you don't really want to see my CD collection or talk about Kerouac." You're nuts.

OK, look.

Let's start over.

Let's go out to dinner like... regular people.

Just take it slowly, just see where it leads.

How does that sound? That sounds perfect.

Oh, God, I should go home.

It's eight! It's eight already.

I know. It's Mike's first day tomorrow.

You should definitely go. What's the big whoop?

I mean, you know, he's done this like a million times before.

Yeah. And he knows exactly what he's doing.

Yeah. So...

It's fine.

He didn't open a bottle of 40-year-old Bruichladdich, did he?

How do you know that?

What?

When I was working with him, if there was something that he didn't want to do, the Oscars, the Olympics, something that people might actually get a tiny twinge of pleasure from, the night before, he would go on a bender.

Call in sick for work the next day.

No. No, no. This is ridiculous. I'm not...

I'm not going out there and chasing him around.

If he wants to screw this up, that is his problem.

Start at Elaine's. Oh, God, thank you. Thank you.

I'm sorry.

We'll do it again sometime.

Thanks.

Pomeroy? Yeah.

He was here. He left about an hour ago.


Oh, no. The little woman.

Incoming. Jesus Christ, Pomeroy, they're getting younger and younger.

Mike... I need to talk to you.

Why? Is the baby mine?

I will have you know that this show is very important to a lot of people, including but not limited to me. My ass is on the line here.

Actually, your ass is irrelevant.

You're just a footnote. It's my ass, my reputation, my integrity, mine!

"Mine!" You're such an egotistical, selfish person!

I'm on-air talent!

Get in.

Hey!

OK, I'm home. You can leave.

Oh, no. No.

Wow.

Oh, my God.

Is that a real... Good night Of course.

Here we are Just about the same

You're alone tonight?

Makes sense.

Let me guess.

You meet a guy.

You have about three dates.

Spend the whole time talking about your job.

He loses your phone number.

Aside from your obvious father issues, what'd he do?

Leave you? Die?

You've got this... repellent moxie.

Look at all the stories you could be doing here.

About art and hunting and fishing.

I mean, you have grandchildren.

I didn't even know you had kids.

Look, we could be doing parenting segments.

You should invite them down to the show.

The ungrateful little bastards.

I don't think so.

Well, the little tour's over.

Time to go back to your sad little life.

I'm not going anywhere until we are on the air.

Well, please don't snore. I'm a light sleeper.

I'm not going to be sleeping.

Just about the same Foggy little fella Drowsy little dame Two sleepy people by dawn's early light And too much in love to say good night Good night.

Good night. Good night.


Let's go, girl.

What are you doing? Have you ever seen a real egg?

These are from pastured hens in Maryland.

We have to go. I have them delivered once a week.

We have to go.

Now, the beauty of a frittata is that it can be made with any ingredient.

Anything that's in your refrigerator.

Good. Get dressed. What? You want me to starve?

I've got to be in tip-top shape.

I'm going to appear on national television in front of...

What, six or eight people? Mike, come on.

Coffee?

What few people know is that the frittata was meant to be eaten at room temperature.

It was invented in Italy... Come on.

-...for the afternoon repast. Look, guess what?

I don't really care about your epicurean breakfast, OK?

I just need you to walk faster, because we are going to be late.

Hey. Hello, there.

Where the hell have you been? It's a long story.

She spent the night at my place.

Come on, everyone. I slept on the couch.

Until I woke her up with my... African rain stick.

All right. OK. It's Mike's first show, so it's a really big day for us.

Fire me today. Yeah, so let's go... through the lineup from the top.

One more time.

We start with eight, full track. We'll be cutting to nine with announce.

Nine will reveal the jib. Jib, start a little wider.

OK. What are they promo-ing on the Today show today?

What aren't they promo-ing? What?

Crap. No. Vieira scored that interview with the drunk-driving Playboy Playmate? What's on G. M.A.?

Well, she's doin' Clooney. Yeah. Bitch.

Try not to bore the nation into a coma with your dull news crap, OK?

Yes, certainly.

Oh, and... suck it.

Well, they look great together, so that's promising.

Oh, heavenly ghost of Edward R. Murrow.

OK, the Jewish guy is crossing himself, so we're confident.

Thirty seconds to air. Everybody ready?

They know about the cake?

Everybody does? Stage manager's got that covered? Good.

Cake is good to go. D-Day. I want the double matte through both names, both names. Great. OK, stand by...

Stand by, ticker. Stand by, Deko, that's great.

You ready for this? I'm ready. Are you ready?

Stand by, announce. Ready to roll nine.

Here we go and roll nine. Take nine.

We're good so far. Stand by to go on four.

And... here we go. -...on Daybreak.

And go on four. Seven.

Reveals four. There they are.

Five. Four, three...

-...and Mike Pomeroy. Go dissolve to Mike and cue them.

Good morning, everyone.

Before we begin, today is a historic moment here on Daybreak.

Today's the day that Mike Pomeroy Joins our little show.

We are so lucky to have a Journalist of your caliber here with us, Mike.

We're Just... what can we say except, welcome, welcome.

Yes.

He said yes. That's it?

Yes? He said yes. Yes. You got to be kidding me.

That's great. That's all it is.

Bring on the cake. We have a little surprise for you.

Push in the cake. Happy First Day to you Happy First Day to you Ready three on Jane.

Happy First... Thank you.

Now on to today's top stories. Go, take it.

In Texas today, severe weather continues to plague the Gulf Coast.

He's not buyin' it. Wow.

OK, all right, very good. So far, he's a cozy blanket.

I need 22. Great.

...sexual offender is a Caucasian male in his late thirties, approximately six feet tall. He apparently works alone, gaining access to homes through unlocked windows and doors.

Stand by to change. Local police in Milwaukee are asking anyone who recognizes this sketch to contact them immediately.

Change your graphic. And change it. In other news, former President Jimmy Carter continued his campaign for human rights in BeiJing this week. Hey!

What? Guys, the...

The graphic. Are you...?

Change the graphic! See, the thing on the...

-...on the graphic. Lose the graphic!

Guys! Lose it!

Get the... the font on the graphic, like the type on the...

Please. China has been accused by detractors of backsliding... You just...

Yep, yep. Yep, yep, yep.

Stand by to change. Deko in.

We're going to weather.

For first look at weather, here's Ernie Appleby.

Thanks, Colleen.

I'd like to take a moment to welcome Mike Pomeroy to his first broadcast.

As one hurricane said to another, I have my eye on you.

And lookin' across the country today, you'll see we still have that high-pressure system comin' out of the Midwest.

We'll dissolve to tape. Tape, stand by.

I want a center shot. Just keep... Just center on one. Center on one.

That's perfect. Here we... OK, great. Ready one. Ready two.

And go two.

Dissolve to Mike, and cue them.

And ticker in.

Tomorrow on Daybreak, we'll show you eight things you didn't know you could do with potatoes. Should be fun.

Also, we'll talk to some relief workers who say the international community has abrogated its duty to protect... What the hell is abrogated?

That wasn't on the teleprompter.

Ready to widen on two. And that's our show for this morning.

Welcome to the Daybreak family, Mike.

And thank you... Thank you, everyone. Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Goodbye. How many is that?

Goodbye. Three each.

Bye. And we're out!

Fade to black. Here we go. Bye-bye.

You know what you are?

Excuse me for saying this, but you're an asshole, OK?

Becky! What's her last name? You said you would banter!

No, no, no, no. You said I would banter.

I said I would anchor a news show.

That's what my contract calls for. And that's what I'm going to do.

But, Mike, you can't just go out there and give monosyllabic answers and talk about natural disasters! Are you sure?

'Cause I think that's what I just did. Anyway, what are you doing here?

You have to get back to your office and wait for your phone call from Jimmy Carter.

What? Jimmy Carter, "sexual offender."

Now, go away, I'm busy.

But Mike, can you just promise... Go away.

Go away. I just go away!

Hey. It wasn't that bad.

I don't wanna talk about it.

OK.

There's a plan.

Sorry, just...

Hey.

I may need to see who that is.

OK. What if something happens? Then someone else will cover the world's biggest pumpkin.

That's not fair. No.

No. Because you work for a magazine show.

Yes. And you do one 15-minute story every two months. That's right.

And we are doing 15 stories a day, none more than three minutes each, I mean, maybe three and a half, if it's the President or they're nude photos or something...

How reliable is your alarm clock?

...is making progress. However, one good piece of news is that the winds have come in... What's goin' on?

Fire out west. They're looking for an arsonist and they think that he might have set the fire, like, three weeks ago?

He could be a serial offender.

It's the middle of the night. I'm sorry.

I have had such a lovely time.

I really have and I...

I'm so glad that we... Go.

What? You want to go. You should go.

Are you sure about that?

Get out of here.

Thank you.


Good Morning America got the mother of the arsonist.

What? Ass!

Don't. All right, I need an arsonist spouse or something.

Damn it. So you're gettin'scooped like every morning. How come? I mean, do you have any kind of plan?

Yes, the show will still... need some fine-tuning...

Fine-tuning? Really?

Can you tune something when nothing is working?

Mike Pomeroy is the key to making this show work.

Well, at the moment, he's ruining your show, and to be honest, you haven't got much time for fine-tuning, right?

Yeah. I'm not worried. You're... Really?

I'm not worried.

How about profiles? We're doing a piece on Daniel Boulud.

Does it end with me in the kitchen making profiterole?

No.

Cornish hens. OK, forget that.

How about an interview with Tim McGraw and Faith Hill?

Either one of them becomes president or cures cancer, let me know.

But I do have one good lead.

Yeah? Yeah, really?

I hear you're dating Señor Dipshit. What?

How did you make that happen? Who told you that?

Him and you, really? No, I'm...

Because usually, you know, he dates girls that are sort of, you know with...

Taffy pullers with... heavy meatballs?

There's a developing story coming out of Albany, though.

The governor's tax returns are being audited.

Oh, for God's sakes, you're killing me, no!

I want people to get to know you. No, you don't.

You want me to pander so you can sell erectile dysfunction medication.

Oh, no, I don't. Well, I won't!

Oh, my God! It's you, you're that guy!

I just saw you this morning and everyone was eating stuffed zucchini, and you were cranky about it. I was like, "Oh, my God, there's that guy!"

You used to do news, right? Like a while ago? It's...

Please, remove your hand from my person. Thank you.

This is great! Thank you! I can't believe it! Dan Rather!

Dan Rather! See? People want to like you.

You're... you're in their home every day, and, you know, it's an honor and, you know, why can't you just do stories people might enjoy? Mike...

We're in trouble. I'm in trouble.

Help me, please.

Dan Rather. For Christ's sake.

Becky! Becky!

Becky.

I have a great idea for a segment. Get ready for this.

Past lives. If we could find out who celebrities had been in their past lives, I think that would be terrific, don't you?

I mean, what if Justin Timberlake had been Abraham Lincoln?

Many actors have changed their names to be taken more seriously.

Ricky Schroder became Rick.

The Rock became Dwayne Johnson.

And Portia de Rossi's name used to be Amanda, but she changed it so as to sound more like the car, which she felt sounded more impressorial.

A new name has become the latest, hottest accessory for celebrities, like a Birkin bag or a baby.

Back to you, Mike or Michael.

Dissolve to Mike and ticker in. How did she get here?

Don't ask. What? Is she sleeping with someone?

Pardon me?

Thanks.

Have you seen these? Yes, but...

You want to make the ratings worse? That's why you came here?

Well, no. Mike is still getting up to speed.

I'm working on a couple elements. Gettin' Mike up to speed?

Yeah. You're circling the drain.

You rarely book anybody decent because of the ratings.

You're not gettin' any big interviews. We just need more time.

Just a little... God, you're, you're more naïve than I thought, aren't ya? Excuse me?

The network wants to cancel the show.

They want to run game shows and syndicated talk instead.

For a second, I thought you might have a shot, especially when you got Pomeroy. But the joke's on me, 'cause it turns out you failed even more completely than the network thought.

In six weeks, they cancel the show.

Not only will you have significantly weakened our news division, you will have presided over the demise of a show that's been on the air for 47 years! Nice work.

Why don't you go over to PBS and see if you can kill Sesame Street.

Go. You've wasted enough of my time.

We have six weeks. Can you just not tell anyone yet?

Because morale isn't exactly at a peak.

Fine. Tell 'em when you want to. It doesn't really matter, does it?

Piper, get Phil Griffin on the phone.

Tell him if I don't hear from him by 5:00, those Super Bowl tickets go to Phyllis McGrady!

...Joins us now with details. Roger.

It certainly is a happy day here on Lincoln Road between Bedford Avenue and Rogers Avenue.

This is, yes, officials...

We're live at five, people. OK.

Feathery, fleecy, flocculent?

Oh, for Christ's sake. What? What's going on now?

Mike is offended by a word in the next story.

He's offended. It's about Easter chicks.

I'm not saying the word "fluffy."

It's bad enough I have to do these ridiculous stories.

You know what, buddy? Guess what? Last week, I had to use the words "rectal" and "moisture" in the same sentence.

Well, first dates can be awkward. Mike!

Becky... That's it!

Becky, Becky, what are you doin'? I've had enough!

Mike? I need to talk to you. Becky, we're back in 60.

I'm sorry, this'll just take a second.

I've looked up to you all my life.

You know that? I actually idolized you. My dad and I used to watch you on TV.

So just, you know, imagine my surprise when it turns out that you're actually the worst person in the entire world.

Not the third worst! The worst! What's goin' on?

Pomeroy. He broke the latest Daybreak EP.

...how lucky we all are to have these Jobs, how quickly that can be taken away. We're back in...

And there's this guy, this really kind of great, smokin' guy who can actually stand me long enough to have sex with me.

And you know what? It's all just a big mess. Because of you!

You know, nobody can do their jobs well around here because you can't be bothered to do yours at all!

And we're back.

Welcome back to Daybreak. And now, with a check of the weather, here's Ernie. Take Ernie on the plaza.

Thanks, Colleen. Surprisingly toasty day out here, isn't it, folks?

Yeah!

Good day to break out the bikini. I know I'm wearing mine right now.

All right. Well, what do we have here?

Goodness, honey. I did not put her up to this.

Coke? Diet Coke? No, I don't want a Diet Coke.

Step aside!

Jerry, I would like to talk to you. You're gonna bust a cap in my ass?

What if I get the ratings up? We've got six weeks.

What if I move that needle just enough?

You won't. We'll, you're... you don't know that.

Becky. There's got to be some number I can hit that will give us a shot, that would give us an extra six months, something. Sure, if you got over one point five or something absurd like that... Done! So I've got your word?

I get those ratings up more than three quarters of a point, you give me more time? It won't happen.

We'll see about that.

And your girlfriend Lisa?

Can you get her a dictionary and stick her on somebody else's show?

'Cause she's killing me.

Wow, well, look who the wind blew in! What happened to you?

Well, we're gonna change a few things.

OK. Is Ernie in place?

Yes, he is. He'll be interviewing people as they come off the coaster.

No, he won't. Not anymore, he's not. We're gonna put him on that coaster.

We're gonna strap a handheld to the car in front of him and then go live. Boom.

It's called "picking up the game," people. OK? So from now on, every single story that we do, it's gonna have to be sensational!

We're gonna be more aggressive. We're gonna work harder.

And we're gonna do it right now.

Are, are you gonna...? I'm not gonna sing!

Why do people ask me that?

So the big question is, are we gonna be able to hear his mic?

Yes, we will. If he has a heart attack, we'll be able to capture every heartrending scream.

Really? Great. Cue her.

Thrill-seekers have something to look forward to this summer as Six Flags unveils a brand-new roller coaster.

The "Manhandler" is the fastest coaster in the U.S. with speeds up to 130 miles an hour... Stand Ernie by. Here we go.

...ninety-five degrees. Our own Ernie Appleby is getting a sneak peek at this amazing new ride, isn't that right, Ernie?

Standing by. Open his mic. Ernie, can you hear us?

Yes. Yes, I can. And so far, it's a beautiful ride.

Quite an amazing view from up here.

Mostly blue skies. Cumulus clouds on the horizon, always a good sign this time of year.

Might be heading into our first dip.

Oh, my. Oh, my.

Oh, fu...

No!

Oh, yeah. No, this is a great idea.

Please, make it stop! Take two.

What are you gonna do to him next? Strap electrodes to his balls?

I actually felt sorry for that animatronic puppet asshole.

Hey, look, we got 80,000 hits on YouTube already.

And Ernie is absolutely thrilled. And by the way, we had another bump in the minute-to-minutes.

Becky, good stuff. Thank you! Lighten up, Mike.

You know what I've noticed? People only say, " Lighten up" when they're gonna stick their fist up your ass.

Well, you know what? I hate to break it to you, but the fact is... Oh, my God, amazing segment.

Thank you. The world has been debating news versus entertainment for years and guess what? Mike, your side lost.

You know what? What?

You're wrong. People are smart.

They want information. Not junk, which is all you're willing to give them.

Junk. Sugar, sugar, sugar. Excuse me.

OK. And more sugar.

Yeah, well, what would you have them do, Mike?

Eat bran all day? Fiber, fiber, fiber?

We have to get the ratings up, Mike, or we can have a lot of high-minded ideas and not be on the air.

This show may go down, but it's not because I'm not trying my hardest.

You hear me? I don't care what you do, but I'm not giving up.

I wanna talk to you. I wanna talk to you right now about Ernie.

I wanna talk to you. I wanna talk to you right now about Ernie.

Oh, my God, you, too? Yes.

Why is everyone worried about Ernie? You know, he's a grown man.

Worried about Ernie? You kidding me? He signed release forms.

He's a hack. Look, I see what you're doing.

I think it's great. It's exactly what I've been waiting for, so just, you know, sign me up, coach. Put me in.

Whatever you want to call it. Really?

Yeah.

Do you have any preexisting conditions?

Are you kidding? Look at me. I'm a rock.

Would you like to hold him?

I would love to hold it, dear little thing.

Watch it. Careful he doesn't go in there.

Can you get it out though?

Mike wanted to be here for this. Mike Pomeroy.

You know how he is. He loves animals.

Have you just... You... And then...

Those are frog lips. Does a frog open its lips ever?

Ready four, take four. Ready one. Take one.

Ready one. Take it.

I would never do that. Kiss it.

How about a big kiss, sucker?

That's a little, that's wrong.

That was so good. Do it again.

Fitty, Fitty! Mr. Cent? Hi! Fan.

Big fan! Take you to the candy shop Whoa, let you lick I heard the song.

I'm a producer for Daybreak and we would so love to have you on our show.

We'd give you twice as much time as the Today show.

And you could play four songs from your new record. Just think about it.

I'll take you to the candy shop I'll let you lick the lollypop Oh! Go 'head girl, Don't you stop Yeah!

Keep going 'til you hit the spot, whoa!

I'll take you to the candy shop Boy one taste of what I got I'll have you spending all you got...

Ready one, take one! Ready two!

Well!

On the rabbi story, do you want the transvestite prostitute to be dressed as a man or a woman? A man.

Man. No, a woman.

No, have him/her start the segment as a woman and then, boom, after the break he/she comes back as a man!

Yes. That's it. Yes. Yes.

Back to you, Colleen.

All right! They've cut! Both. Emphatically.

Here are the ratings.

I know, I know.

Yes, yes.

And when we come back, we'll tell you about new ways to cope with menopause.

New doorknobs.

OK.

And am I doing it right? Yes.

How do you know? You're not looking.

Or we could do a whole series on senior weight loss. A five-parter.

We could get that health expert, you know, the one with the...

It's good, it's good, it's good. I'll do it.

Wait! Wait, look.

The week-to-weeks are better and total viewers are up by five percent!

And those are not good enough!

Turns out the burger patties were contaminated with E. coli, which can cause cramping and diarrhea.

Lose the ticker, music in... We'll be right back on Daybreak.

Dissolve the logo. And mark.

And we're out.

Great, a story about uncontrollable shitting and look who gets it.

Well, it's not my sort of thing.

Can I just say one thing? That's our job.

I know you think you're above it and, of course, you were above it before you got fired. But now, guess what, you're down in the muck with the rest of us, Mike.

And yet I still have standards, unfortunately for you.

Suppose I don't have standards? Sure, you do.

When you got your Pap smear on air, you wore a silk robe.

OK! Classy touch.

We're back in five... That is it!

I've had it with you! I've had it!

Three... and two... Go, two.

-...one. Dissolve and cue.

Tomorrow on the show, Colleen will make the British classic bangers and mash, with chef Gordon Ramsay. That's right, I will, because you refuse to do it, Mike. Guess it's beneath you.

Well, that and it's tough to get between you and a sausage, so...

Sausage, that's a good one.

Yes, and also you are a fatuous, pretentious idiot, so there's that. A fatuous idiot who makes three times what you make. That's our show for this morning.

See you tomorrow, folks. Goodbye.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

Goodbye. And goodbye.

Goodbye. Bye.

Yeah, no, no, no. Bye.

Goodbye. Goodbye. Bye.

This is yesterday, after she insulted his tie. Right.

After he asked her if she cries ice cubes. Huge spike.

They love it!

We're so close. I mean, we need this. We're, we're, we're almost there.

Coming up in our next hour, we'll be talking to people who successfully completed this innovative rehab program.

Might want to pick up a few tips there, Mike.

Do they have rehab programs for bitter beauty queens with self-esteem issues?

I wonder about that sometimes.

Sometimes. Well, coming up next...

But they are way better. They're way up from last year.

I'm, I'm almost there.

So many people rely on this show. They believe in it.

You have until Friday. That's the deal we made.

And those are still not good enough.

...so no real flooding to speak of in the neighborhoods. But the concern is, they are prepared...

-...to help folks if necessary, Kitty. What?

Well, the center of lowa's second biggest city, Cedar Rapids, is already underwater.

Sorry.

I mean, our demos are getting better.

But our overall numbers, they're just not where they should be.

We're just missing... something.

Well, maybe it's time for another eight-part series on the orgasm.

Do you think so? I mean, I don't know what else we would possibly talk about.

You're making fun of me. No.

Never mind.

Just... doesn't matter.

I'll just deal with it in the morning.

You look at me like there's something wrong with me all the time.

And I can't, I can't do it. What?

That is the most ridiculous statement you have ever made.

I can't let my guard down for one second, you know.

I don't look at my BlackBerry and I miss getting the next big story.

And I'm tired of feeling guilty about my work. I can't.

Becky, wait a second.

Yeah. OK. Look, that information's a matter of public record.

I have a right to see it. You know that.

You want me to come on down there and I'll bring a crew?

Better yet, a subpoena.

OK, and I think we should end the segment with Ernie being tarred and feathered in honor of the anniversary of the Boston Tea Party.

Or I could do my good story on weathervanes.

No!

OK, so great job, everyone.

Excuse me, excuse me. Just one, one moment, please.

I have a story I'd like to do.

Sauerkraut.

Sauerkraut?

Big annual Sauerkraut Festival upstate.

They bowl with cabbage, make a big sauerkraut cake.

They... have a competition for the best sauerkraut.

You want to do that?

What? Do you have a problem with that?

No.

It's OK? I'm doing the kraut? Right?

If you, if you want to. Good. Good.

Hi!

Hi! Don't really have to go, you know.

I want to. My goodness. I wouldn't miss this for...

Get in. All right.

Say hello to Joe.

Joe, Becky. Becky, Joe. Go. Hi, Joe.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. This isn't the way. No, no.

Mike, where are we going? To cover the news.

What? At 8am this morning, I'm going to cover a story. Mike.

A real story. Are you kidding me?

Where are you? I don't know.

What do you mean, you don't know? Well, he won't tell me.

He's kidnapped me. He's gone around some kind of bend and I need you to get Colleen ready with a backup story, please!

What backup story? Let Ernie do the weathervane thing.

No, no, no, no. Jesus. I need something when Mike's story tanks.

You know, you're a terrible person!

You baited me with sauerkraut. That's so low.

I mean, what the hell is this story, Mike?!

The governor. What governor?

We're not even anywhere near Albany.

No, we're not. It's up here a little further, Joe.

A little further. Oh, my God, this is the governor's country house. Are you out of your mind?

You're experiencing a psychotic break. Are you insane?

Well, I won't be dragged down with you. You're gonna get us arrested and fired.

I get fired, I never work again, you lunatic.

I'm not gonna run it, Mike. I won't, you can't make me.

I'll run Colleen getting her bikini line waxed before I run it. Mike!

They're gonna cancel the show!

If we don't get our numbers up by the end of this week, we're toast.

We're gonna be replaced by soap operas and... game shows.

Come on, Joe.

Lenny, are you ready? Ready?

Ready? Ready for what? Jesus.

Check, check. Hey.

You'll know when to go live. Get out of my shot.

Go live with what?

Pomeroy!

Gary, how are ya? What the hell are you doin'here?

I need the weathervanes, Lenny.

I need 'em, need... So we're goin' with weathervanes.

Yes. Specifically, we'd like to know how you feel about the Attorney General's filing racketeering charges against you this morning.

Charges of corruption... No, wait, wait.

-...and steering government contracts. Wait, wait, wait.

We cannot wait! Hold your horses.

And there's a hooker or two... in there as well, isn't there, sir?

Oh, my God. Becky!

What is going on here? Comin' through!

Mike, I don't know where you get your information. You know I like you.

Stand by to go live. What?

...but if you don't leave, I'm gonna have to call the police.

Wait one second. I don't think that's gonna be necessary, sir.

Becky!

Live! Live!

Live to Becky, now!

Up on rem two! Now taking you live to Mike Pomeroy for a special report.

Federal authorities have been planning this raid for weeks.

This reporter has learned that the indictment contains 15 counts of racketeering and using undue influence.

My sources tell me authorities have tapped phone calls, and incriminating e-mails.

Mike Pomeroy, Daybreak.

Back to you in the studio.

Take two. Thanks, Mike.

Partly cloudy skies this afternoon with slight chance...

You know, you could have told me. I might have covered it anyway.

Liar.

Look, I get it.

Nobody really cares that I can do this job, but...

But I can.

I wanted you to see that.

That was a great story, Mike.

That was... that was better than a great story, that was great television. I mean, that was bran with a doughnut.

A bran doughnut.

I've got a grandkid.

Did you know that?

Alexander.

I haven't seen him since I got fired.

I was embarrassed... after all I'd accomplished.

And then to...

...come back to the news... this way.

The truth is, I'd...

I'd screwed up with my kids way before I got canned.

Anyway, I was never at home and...

...when I was, I took every phone call, watching TV out of the corner of my eye.

Why am I telling you this? You're worse than I am.

You'd sleep at the office if you could.

Let me tell you how it turns out.

You end up with... with nothing.

Nothing.

Which is... which is what I had...

...till you came along.

Wait a second.

Did you just say something nice to me?

I told you I could banter.

Felt like getting a jump on it.


They're not... awful.

How much longer can we get?

Well, I have to check with upstairs, but... with these I can get you a year, a comfortable year.

I underestimated you, Becky.

That's... that's very, very true.

NBC called.

NBC?

Wanted to know how much time you have on your contract.

The Today show wants you.

Well, that's very flattering. I...

Is that what you want?


They were gonna cancel the show.

OK. Yeah.

And somehow, we saved it.

And, you know, the thing is... is that the second I knew that everything was gonna be OK, the person that I wanted to tell was you.

The Today show? That's huge.

Yeah, yeah, it's, it's, it's incredible.

But I, I have to think about it. I...

What? Well, yeah, I mean, I...

Well, the thing is, is that at Daybreak, everyone's really starting to click.

Everybody's pitching in and doing what they're best at.

No story too high or low. No, hold on, you can't say no to this. When you get an opportunity like this, you have to grab it. Even Mike is almost happy.

And that's a good enough reason to give up the best job in broadcasting?

We're...

Daybreak is a family now.

Becky, I've known Mike a long time.

I... It doesn't matter how happy he is.

He's not just gonna suddenly change into a different person.

Well, I think you're wrong.

I know what I'm doing with him now.

I do. I do.

It's gonna be great.

So we've got the Supreme Court Justice hearings at the top of the hour and then... I forgot to tell you, Anthony Bourdain wants to do a segment with you! Bourdain? Love him. Not doin' that.

But say hi to Tony. I owe him a bottle of Patron.

What...? What? We do one good story together and suddenly I'm your bitch? Don't think so. Sorry.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait. You can't do one story for me?

Oh, my God, what is wrong with me?

What am I doing here, beating my head against this wall?

I might as well go to the Today show where you don't have to poke Matt Lauer with a stick... The Today show?

Yes, they offered me a job. Of course.

But you know what? I said... Time to move on.

You'll love the Today show.

You and Vieira can do menopause stories every week!

You know what's really ridiculous? Is that until about ten seconds ago, I'd actually considered turning my back on the best job I've ever been offered.

Isn't that totally absurd?

What's keeping you?

OK.

You know, if you'd ever treated me with some kind of friendship or loyalty, or trust, these things that you seem incapable of...

You miserable, lonely, egotistical, selfish asshole!


Hey, Becky. Hi.

They called again. Today show.

Thanks.


Becky Fuller.

Obviously, we have a long track record of success here at the Today show, but we're always looking to stay current, to get out of our comfort zone, and we want the show to have that youthful energy. And we are so impressed with what you have done with Daybreak.

Well, thank you very much. I appreciate it.

Everyone is talking about it. You must know that.

I mean, you have done an amazing job of revitalizing a show that many people had just completely written off.

Well, thank you. Thanks.

And we're out!

You did this.

They're gonna hire her.

Yeah. She's at the Today show right now, ding dong.

Do you have any idea, you know, what you've done here?

Because we had a decent producer, a decent show and, God forbid, anyone around here should be happy, but you had to have this happen, didn't you?

All right, stand by, folks. Here we go.

Three, two, one.

And dissolve two. And cue 'em! Cue 'em!

Welcome back to Daybreak. What is wrong?

...at the nation's crumbling infrastructure.

Go to Colleen. Jesus, jump off Mike.

Where the hell is he going? Take three, three.

Cue over to three. Swing her to three, please. Come on, Jane, over to three.

Sorry, the... this segment's usually a two shot of Mike and Colleen and Mike's not there.

They've probably just changed something. Sorry.

I don't know. Where is Mike?

I need eggs. You need what?

You know, from chickens. Eggs!

Really don't enjoy this job.

Chinese people, move, move, move!

Thank you!

Celery. Peppers. Cheese. Cheese.

Yeah, thank you very much.

We wanted to know what your plans are for sports coverage.

Sports. Great, OK. Great.

I love sports.

Come on, move, move! Let's go, let's go!

Get it in there, slide it in! Mike, tell us what you need.

I need a cutting board, good knife, nice plate, bowl, whisk.

What is this, rubber? Get me a real bowl.

Where are my eggs?! Cue over to three.

Where are my goddamn eggs?! Eggs for Mike, please!

In respect to sports, I think that it's really important to reach out to women through their kids because it's not that big of a step to go from being a soccer mom to, you know, a...

Oh, my God. What is he doing?

Sorry, I just...

This is... Mike Pomeroy is having a nervous breakdown on air.

That's kind of big news.

...a meal for their afternoon repast, something they could make using whatever ingredients they had available. Holy shit.

I've been making frittata for about 20 years now, ever since I was taught how to, on a naked weekend with a beautiful Italian movie star, who shall, of course, remain nameless.

Occasionally, I make them at home.

But only for people that I...

People I really care about.

Now the key to a great frittata is a very hot pan, because that, my friends, is what makes it... fluffy.

We'll let this firm up a little bit.

Dash of pepper. I'm sorry. I...

You watchin' this?

Becky? Yes, I... yeah.

He is not gonna ask you twice.

We'll give it a few seconds, then we'll pop it in the hot oven.

Bye! Thanks!

A little pepper.

Stand by. He's goin' back to the oven. Ready three.

A lot of people like a glass of di Gavi.

Gavi di Gavi, perhaps.

I, myself, like a... Barolo.

I'll just free up the edges.


Next week on the show, I'll show you how to make a fantastic beignet, which the rabble like to call...

...doughnuts.

The old bastard.

You know, he's still the third worst person in the world.

Yeah, I know.

That's good.

That's really good.

I want a tropical fruit plate.


"His gravity leavens the silliness of morning TV, making for an incongruous but somehow perfect match.

Turns out that after 40 years in the business, the real Mike Pomeroy has finally arrived."

Not bad.

By the way, I'm getting my prostate checked next week.

I thought I'd take a crew with me.

That's a great idea. We... Jesus, I'm kidding.

No, seriously, they have these little teeny, tiny cameras that go right up your... No, no, no.

What if we got you a body double?

No! No?

Not in a thousand years.