Most Likely to Murder (2018) Script

Hey, this is Kara Doblowski.

I don't know why I just told you my last name.

You already have my number. Anyway, just leave a message.

What up, bitch?

It's Billy. Long time, no speak.

I'm still out here in Vegas, Sin City.

You know, for work. Club shit.

Seems like every night I'm at some new lounge or restaurant hanging out with the VIPs.

You know, DJs, models, shots and bottles.

My middle name should be Wagyu, 'cause I eat so much of it.

Billy Wagyu Green. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Um, Steve Aoki called.

He thinks he accidentally threw out his scrunchie in the bathroom.

I'm gonna need you to dig around and find it.

You want me to dig around in these bags?

Yeah.

For Steve Aoki's scrunchie? Yeah.

If I find it, can I return it to him... No.

I get to give it to Steve Aoki.

Hey, I-I would love to really talk to you for a second about getting moved up to the door... Totally.

Um, maybe next week?

Anyway, I'm actually working on some really exciting stuff with Steve Aoki so, I gotta run in a sec, but I'm gonna be headed back to Valley Stream for Thanksgiving.

My parents are retiring and selling the house and moving to Santa Fe, so I gotta pack up my shit.

And, uh... well, I know we really haven't seen each other in a while, but I would love to, I don't know, hang out if you're around.

I don't know. Anyway, I gotta run.

Man, I wish you could see this sick-ass view I have from my penthouse right now.

I'm looking at the Bellagio fountains.

Beautiful.

Anyway, you know, call me back. I would really love to see you.


Mom? Dad?

Oh, it's good to see you, son!

Oh...

Oh, it's been so long since you've been home.

I know. Let me look at you.

Oh, you got a little bigger.

Nah.

You smell like cigarettes.

Oh, no, you know, um, the cab driver was smoking.

Ugh, those cab drivers.

You guys look amazing.

Oh, well we feel great. We're excited about Santa Fe.

Daddy found the sweetest little place on Zillow.

The Hopi Indians that live there described the landscape as "stones that which laugh."

Metaphor, but gosh. Wow. Wow, that sounds beautiful.

Are you hungry, sweetheart?

Can I make you some ants on a log?

Do you need me to do your laundry, huh?

Oh, any tax forms to fill out?

No. No. You know what, I'm good, thank you.

Boy, your friends are gonna be so excited to see you.

The King of Valley Stream has returned!

The King of Valley Stream.

Hey, uh, where are my Isuzu keys?

Oh, the Trooper? We sold it. Oh, yeah.

You sold my baby? You sold my sweet Isuzie?

You remember that Peter Roman.

Peter Roman?!

You sold the Isuzu to Peter Roman?

Oh, fuck, Mom. He's such a poser!

He was always copying me in high school.

'Member? He stole my signature scent.

You think he would've thought of mixing Cool Water with a dash of CK-One?

I don't think there was an emotional agenda.

I think he just wanted a car.

What am I supposed to drive around town in?

Well, the electric scooter.

The electric scooter?

I'm gonna look like I'm in Garden State.


Someone hasn't changed a fuckin' bit.

Dork.


Oh. Billy.

Hi.

Tami.

Wow.

You got your braces off, huh?

Oh, my God, you already knew that

'cause you follow me on Instagram.

Do I?

Yeah. I mean, I think the other day, you actually liked a picture of me and then unliked it a second later. What? I don't think so.

Hey, quit talkin' to my friends.

Fuck you! Shut up! Fuck you, loser!

Take the merkin off your chin. Take the merkin...

Get the fuck outta my face! Get outta here!

Douscher!

There he is. ♪ The king is back ♪ Still rockin' that chin beard, huh?

You know it, man. Rockin' it hard.

Yeah. It's the only way I know how to rock.

That's why you're still a virgin.

I'm not a virgin. I've had sex. With yourself.

All right. Whatever. Fuck off.

What's all this stuff? Oh, this? Yeah.

Really fuckin' lame, I know. I'm a realtor now.

Market is booming. I haven't sold anything yet.

But I think I'm getting close.

Bye, Billy. It's really good to see you.

Stop flirting with my sister, man.

I'm not flirting with your sister.

All right, let's get outta here. You got the Isuzu?

No. My parents sold it to fuckin' Roman.

The fuck, they sold it to Roman?

Oh, fuckin'... that guy was such a poser, man.

First he steals your signature scent and now this?

Well, I still got the Windstar.

Brakes are a little squeaky, but we can ride together!

Yes!

People are gonna fuckin' freak when they see you, man.

Yep, definitely gonna blow some minds. Do it.

Make way. Make way for the king.

The king is back!

Hey, Big Barbie Bonner.

Is that Laura Ginsburg? I like your new nose.

Understated. Hey, wanna get a drink?

Love to. All right.

Excuse me, barkeep.

Jack on the rocks, light on the rocks, right here, and a Coors Light.

You seen Kara anywhere?

Holy shit, it's Billy Green.

Guilty as charged. And the Douche-er.

Actually, it's pronounced "Dough-sure." as in "I'll make you dough for sure."

Oh, yeah, yeah. You look, uh...

How's work? Work is dope.

Work is on fire. Work is lit.

I'm like a concierge to VIPs.

Very important pussy.

Amazing.

Do you have daughters?

I'm sorry, we actually have to go say hey to somebody.

Right over there, yeah, yeah. Over there by the door.

Yeah, okay. Bye, man. I'll see ya at football.

See ya, man. You still do that?

Yeah, I'll be there. Yeah, see ya, bro.

Is that Elana Drucker? Is she pregnant?

It's actually Elana Perkins now, and that's her second.

I came across that tape I made with her in high school.

You still have the tape? You have the tape?

I thought that shit was gone. You have it?

I never got to see it. You know that?

You never showed it to me. You showed it to Teddy Lacourte.

You showed it to Alex Chang.

You showed it to a bunch of people.

You showed it to that Ecuadoran exchange student, but you never showed it to me. Okay, well, if you find a VCR, I will show you the tape. But I will tell you right now...

Yeah? It's just me and Elana experimenting with breakfast condiments. No, no! Do not spoil it.

I've been waiting a fuckin' decade.

Oh, my God. I got a fuckin' boner right now.

I'm so excited. There he is. Hey!

Oh, you got it? It's so good to see you.

It's so good to see you, too.

You have just, a glow.

Oh, shut up, Billy. You're lying. I'm a cow.

You're one of those sexy cows on the boxes of those Skinny Cow desserts I can't stop eating.

Or masturbating to.

Yeah.

Awesome, yeah. So, good to see you, Billy.

Welcome back.

When's the last time you were home, Billy?

Was that in 2012, five days after Hurricane Sandy, right?

That's incredibly accurate, Perkins.

You still a cop?

Actually, I'm a lieutenant, now.

Are you still a repository for illegal party drugs?

If I told you that, I'd make your job a lot easier for you, wouldn't I?

She liked it.

Um, I'm s... I'm sorry.

Did you eat a pear today?

I might've had one at breakfast.

Oh, my God. Well, I didn't mean to.

Well, but you did.

Okay.

I should probably actually get in there, hold her hair back.

Because if she vomits, gets vomit in her hair, and then smells the vomit in her hair, she's gonna puke more, so, happy Thanksgiving.

Glad to see you back here, Billy.

Good to see you, too, Officer. Have a good time.

See ya, Perkins. Yeah.

Kara.

I don't know if she's seeing us. I don't know if she sees you.

Maybe she can't hear me. Kara!!

I'm just gonna go over. You want me to come with you?

No! You stay where you are. I'm gonna stay right where I am.

Hi.

She'll have a Jack on the rocks, easy on the rocks.

Yeah, I'll have a club soda, please?

Club soda? What, are you on Ecstasy?

Hi, Billy. No, I'm not on Ecstasy.

I just really don't drink anymore.

Okay. That's fine.

Your breath won't smell as bad in the morning.

Don't. This isn't high school or college or that one time after Hurricane Sandy when I was really emotional about my childhood pictures being destroyed.

Oh, come on. Christie had just hugged Obama.

Everyone was fucking. What's going on with you?

Nothing's going on with me. I've just... I'm different, okay?

You don't really know me anymore, Billy.

It's been five years.

Let's see, I don't skip calc to get high.

I don't shoplift Hard Candy nail polish.

I don't sneak Captain Morgan's into Six Flags.

If you want that, maybe you should date a 16-year-old girl.

I can't. Like, legally.

So jokes like that? They don't do it for me anymore.

Oh, my God.

You'll never guess who's here.

Do you remember that weirdo, Lowell Shapiro?

He lived across the street from me in high school?

You know, he used to bring the tuna cans for lunch and just like, drink the tuna water... and then eat the actual... Hi. There you are.

Hey, how ya doin'?

Billy? You remember Lowell.

I don't... it's not ringing a bell, right now.

Really? Billy, you grew up across the street from me our entire childhoods, and I think I saw you, like, two hours ago in front of your house?

No offense, pal, but I... I meet a lot of people.

Anyway, Lowell and I work together at Shanser's Pharmacy.

What, you don't work at Hooters anymore?

No, I don't work at Hooters anymore.

Do you still have the outfit? I'm not gonna tell you that.

So Lowell has been a godsend.

He helps me keep track of all the medications that come in and out of the pharmacy, and I make a lot of mistakes. She's lying to you.

She's amazing. I would be lost without her.

No, stop it. No you wouldn't be. Stop it.

It's the truth. I would be. Okay.

Like a chicken with his head cut off.

Do you really not remember me?

Billy, you... you told everybody in school that I had a... inverted penis.

Remember, "Lowell has no pole"?

Let's go have a cigarette.

Ew, no. And you still smoke?

Yeah. You don't smoke anymore?

Billy, you should really think about quitting.

You know, our customers have had a lot of luck quitting with the Habitrol patch.

Thank you, Lowell.

Okay. Lowell, let's get outta here.

Billy, one more thing, please stop leaving five-minute breathy messages on my voicemail, because...

They're not breathy. Yeah, they are!

They sound like you're prepping to jerk off!

I was about to jerk off.

Is... is Kara dating Lowell?

I'm gonna need a lot of drinks.

The king is back!

Come here, weed puppy.

Oh, you're a good dog.

Oh! That is old!

Whoo!

David Spiegel's bar mitzvah clock.

You still work.

What the hell is going on over there?

Jesus, that's a lot of tattoos.

Are Lowell and Kara about to have sex?

Am I about to watch Lowell and Kara have sex?

What the hell is this creep show doing now?

Whoa.

Screamin' like a fuckin' maniac.

Where are ya? Where are ya, ya little bitch?

Where are ya?

Where could you go?

How far could you run, ya little fuckin' bitch?

I got him. I got him.

Holy shit. Is that a big yellow condom?

Does Lowell have a huge penis?

Oh...

David Spiegel's bar mitzvah clock, I'm sorry.

Gotcha.

Oh! Oh!!

Spiegel.

Noise, why?

Why noise? Why noisy?!


Did you speak to any of the neighbors?

Hey, Perkins.

Excuse me, sir, I need you to back up.

This is official police business.

If you don't mind backing up, getting into your mom's house.

Shut up, Perkins, you showed me when your first pube came in.

Okay. Grow up, all right?

What's going on?

Look, Lowell Shapiro's mom died last night in her sleep.

It looks like heart failure.

And Lowell found her?

Yes, Lowell found her.

Said she was fine when he went to bed last night around midnight, and then in the morning, he found her... well he found her dead.

Was Kara here the whole time?

Okay. You know what? I'm not gonna tell ya.

'Cause if I told ya, it would just make your job a little bit easier, now wouldn't it?

That's what I said to you yesterday.

That's what you said to me.

I'm using your words against you.

And that probably sucks.

Go in your hou... what're you doing?

You don't think something... strange is going on here?

Look, Billy, please don't be a dick about this.

You're not a fuckin' detective.

Hey, hey. Hey. Oh, man.

Do you know Lowell Shapiro at all?

Yeah, he's my pharmacist. Isn't he kind of creepy?

Creepy? What is this, Scooby Do? Creepy?

No, he got me through a really difficult heartburn situation.

I love that guy. You know Lowell Shapiro at all?

Yeah, he's cool, I mean, I once sneezed in a post office, and he said "gesundheit."

German. Maniac.

Hike!

He was off-sides!

I'm pretty sure Lowell's mom's a fuckin' psychopath.

I'd hear her screami'' bloody murder at him all the time on my mail route.

And... Wait, hold on. Don't hike yet...

Hike! Oh, God.

How do you know Lowell again?

Oh, I'm his rabbi.

Boy, what a davening voice on him.

Do you know he got into Stanford, early admission?

Really? Yeah.

But I heard his mom wouldn't let him go.

Wanted him to stay around the house.

Oh, Jesus fuckin Christ!

You're gonna throw up on my tzitzit, man!

I'm sorry, Spiegel. Pull yourself together! Gross!

Hike! Why'd you steal my Isuzie, you fuckin' copier?

I didn't steal it, man.

I bought it 'cause I needed a car.

All right, at the half, it's Jews seven.

Goys 49.

Hey, uh... is it true that Lowell Shapiro helped you and your wife out when you guys got pregnant?

What is your problem with Lowell, anyway?

I don't have a problem with Lowell.

Are you mad that he's hooking up with Kara?

What? That is...

First of all, we don't know if that is a 100% true.

So there's nothing to really be mad about.

Then what's your problem?

I don't have a problem.

Since when are we all so cool about Lowell?

I mean, we... in high school, we went to Callahan's dad's screen printing shop printed up 100 T-shirts about how "Lowell has no pole," and now all of a sudden, we're his best friends?

Billy, do you think maybe, possibly, we were the assholes for picking on him?

I mean, I am sincerely shocked at all of you right now.

So I guess you're all just gonna go to Lowell's mom's funeral, then?

Wait. What?

Lowell's mom died?

Yeah, she died last night.

So this whole time... you've been asking us questions about Lowell and you failed to mention his mom dying?

No, I was talking about Lowell.

I was asking questions about Lowell.

What did you ask me? What kind of a sick fuck are you?

Yeah, bitch, you mean to tell me that I'm sitting here having the time of my fuckin' life playing flag football with my boys, and sweet Lowell is in mourning?

"Sweet Lowell"? That's right.

Sweet Lowell. Sweet guy.

You don't even know Lowell.

You just like him 'cause he gives you your bald medicine and your fuckin' boner pills.

Oy. I gotta help with the funeral arrangements.

Gotta go order the chevre kadisha for the shiva.

See ya later, Billy. See ya, Billy.

I'd offer people rides home, but I just redid the Isuzu interior, so.

Sorry.

So that's it?! We're done here?!

The 14-thannual Jews versus Goys Hangover Football Game is gonna end in an undecided?!

Goys won, asshole!

I'm telling you, something is going on with Lowell.

I believe you, man. I believe you.

If you say it, it's true. I got your back.

I'm gonna get outta here.

That last Isuzu thing really got to me.

Good idea, man, yeah. I gotta go, too.

I teach a drum tutorial on YouTube.

Mostly kids in the Philippines. Not a big deal.

It's got some followers, but not too busy to hang out later, so give me a call!

Yeah, you work in the pharmacy, right?

I'm actually not working today, but I can answer some questions.

Right, look, if I am on amoxicillin, can I also take Tylenol Cold and Flu?

Oh, uh... uh, I know this. Um... I wanna say yes.

I'm like 70 percent yes. Okay.

30 percent is kind of a big difference.

I know. But I... yeah, I think it's...

I think it's fine.

You know what? I'm 80 percent. 80 percent.

It should be fine.

No way.

Kara.

What are you doing here? What are the odds?

I'm not an idiot, Billy. Go away. No, wait.

I saw you at Lowell's today, and I just wanted to come by and check on you, see how you're doing.

What happened with his mom is really sad.

And I'm sorry.

Oh, you're serious. Um...

Thank you.

Yeah, it's really... it's really sad.

Are you guys dating? Wow. Wow.

Oh, you couldn't even pretend to be interested for over 10 seconds.

Are we done here? We're done here.

I'm gonna say we're done. W-wait...

I... I know that you're not happy to see me, and that you think I'm an asshole.

You know what? I don't.

I really don't think much about you at all.

I may have thought that when I told you that I loved you and then you disappeared on me for five years.

Remember that? But now I just really wanna get home and cook.

I get it.

I found something in my bedroom that is yours.

If you say it's my hymen, I will punch you.

It's your Ricky's buy ten Italian ices, get one free card.

Man, how do you still have this?

Free ice on that thing. I'm not gonna throw it away.

Oh, my God.

Right, that was the night you bet me that I couldn't eat 10 of these in one sitting.

It's funny to me, still. I pooped blue for a week.

Yup. Oh, right, I sent you a picture of it.

I will never forget that image. Yeah. Yeah, it was nasty.

Anyway, my parents are moving out of town. so we're packing up the house.

This will probably be the last time you see me.

Oh.

Oh, wow, um...

That sucks.

Look, I haven't been super nice to you.

Um, so, I don't know, like, what have you been up to?

Nothing much.

I got a lot of stuff, got a lot of irons in the fire.

Doing a new club in Vegas with like... bunch of investors, bunch of Asian investors.

Wow, Billy, that's amazing.

I don't know why it matters that the investors are Asian, but...

Doesn't matter to me. It matters to them.

That aside, that's like, friggin' awesome.

Do you wanna get dinner tomorrow night, before I'm outta here for good?

I don't know. I don't know. No. What am I saying?

I can't 'cause I gotta keep my schedule open in case Lowell needs me.

He's the reason I'm here. I came here to check on him.

Lowell's here?

Yeah. He's working in the back.

His mom died a few hours ago. He's back at work?

I don't know, work just calms him down.

Anyway, Billy, it was okay seeing you.

This interaction wasn't an absolute abortion.

Uh, but I'm gonna go home and cook.

Yeah.

Excuse me! You're standing in front of the dried noodles!

Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Move!


Billy?

Hello.

It's me, Lowell Shapiro.

Right. How ya doin', champ?

I'm okay.

Hope the, uh... the disturbance outside your house didn't wake you up or anything.

Oh, n-no, no.

I'm sorry what happened to your mom.

Thank you. That's very kind of you.

What're you doing here?

I am... shopping for ingredients for Thanksgiving dinner.

You don't have anything.

I don't mean for this to come out rude but I didn't find the ingredients that I needed.

Billy, don't lie to me.

You look nervous, Billy.

Nervous? No. No.

In f... I'm very relaxed.

I know why you're here.

I do.

You know a lot of people have a hard time admitting that they need help with smoking.

It's okay.

You're here for the Habitrol patch, aren't you?

Yep. I'll get you one.

And, you know what? No one else has to know.

This'll be our little secret. Huh?

Okay?

Wink. Wink!

Wait there. I'll be right back with it.

Oh, you know what? I just realized.

I don't wanna quit smoking. I love it.

I'm really good at it. So I'm gonna stick with it.

But thank you so much for everything, okay?

Goodbye. All right.

Come back soon. I'll be waiting for you.

Okay.

"Lowell's so nice. Lowell's so sweet."

"Lowell helped me with my heartburn situation."

Oh, yeah? Then why is Lowell hiding bloody arms and a massive penis?

What the fuck is going on over there?

She was fine when he went to bed last night around midnight.

Last night at midnight.

He was awake at a quarter to milkshakes.

Nope. That has turned.

Yes, Billy?

Perkins, I've got evidence! Evidence of what?

He lied to you, he told you he was asleep by midnight. but I have evidence that says that he was awake at a quarter to 3:00! And what is the evidence?

A clock, a clock that I broke when I fell down drunk on it at the exact same time that I saw him.

Okay. Awesome, Billy.

Well, that's not really evidence.

I mean, have you even seen an episode of Law and Order?

Where's your motive? Where's your smoking gun?

Where's your Mariska Hargitay? You got none of these, pal.

And I honestly have no idea what you're talking about.

So all I can say to you is please leave Lowell alone.

And that was just a paradiddle, guys.

You can put the paradiddle anywhere you want all over the drum set with your basic rock grooves or rock fills, and it's fun, okay?

And to all my Filipino fans out there, at maari mong ilapat... ang paradiddle sa anuman.

Dude! Dude! Dude!

You'll never guess what I just found.

A VHS player.

Jeez, what is with you and this tape?

It's like the ultimate in amateur porn experience.

I found a clock that proves that Lowell was lying to the cops about what time he went to sleep.

He was awake at 2:48 A.M.

I think Lowell murdered his mother.

Oh, Billy, I mean, Lowell may be weird and had no pole.

That's been established, right? But I mean, a murderer?

Think about what everybody said at the football game.

His mother was abusive a-and crazy, and he had to take care of her all the time, so much so that she didn't even let him go to Stanford?

I mean, that would drive anybody mad.

And he's got scratches all over his arm, which he is hiding the next day at work.

I mean, shouldn't that be enough?

Plus, on top of that, he's got tattoos, like, all over his body. and they are not like, you know, like, a lightning bolt or something.

They are, like, c-creepy shit.

A murderer, like, that's... that's a big jump, man.

I thought we were bros and that you would always have my back.

But if you don't... No, we're bros. No, Billy, I have your back.

C'mon man, it's me, it's Duane. Of course I got your back.

Always.

Will you help me do one of those things where you, um... you get information to prove that something is something else?

That thing where you find... knowledge gathering with. evidence and...

Google it? Where we, like, chart it.

Book report? Yes, kind of like a book report.

Okay, like with a thesis and everything?

But, like, when the police do a book report.

God, an interrogation? Not interrogation.

A game, Watson, says I need help with the... You work together, use a magnifying glass? Clues?

Sleuthing?

An investigation. We have to do an investigation!

Yes, an investigation. It's such a simple word.

But sometimes those are the ones that just, like... they're gone.

Hey, Mom, do you know where my old corkboard is?

And I'd love some snacks.

Oh, can you bring down some snacks for us?

♪ Who's those guys? ♪

♪ Who's those guys investigating? ♪

Thank you very much.

Do you know where the old VCR is?

No. No?

Okay, I thought we had one down here.

Might be... maybe it's in there. It's definitely not here.

I've been turning the whole place over, thanks, Mom.

Ooh, hot coffee and cheese. My favorite combination.

Sir?

Holy shit.

What?

Someone had Lowell's house appraised for $1.1 million.

Shut the fuck out.

When?

A month ago.

A month ago?

So, Lowell Shapiro gets his house appraised a month ago, finds out it's worth a shit-ton of money, and then mysteriously, his mom dies?

Roger Podacter wasn't framed! He was murdered!

All righty, then! All-righty, then!

I really wish you could like, pick a different movie to quote 'cause that's like...

Somebody stop me!

Just maybe not Jim Carrey.

Yeah, no, you're super good at the Jim Carrey.

That was... I just got excited.

My bad. That was on me.

Shit. But it wasn't Lowell that had the house appraised.

Fuck. Come on. I was so excited.

Yeah. Says here it was done by Bernard Crane.

Bernard Crane? Who the fuck is Bernard Crane?

I don't know.

I mean, it could just be, like, a land speculator who's just looking to buy up the property and flip it real quick.

We've been getting a lot of those recently.

Yes.

What if Bernard Crane is one of those land perforators...

Speculators. who works... for Lowell Shapiro.

Oh, fuck, there's like...

300 Bernard Cranes in Nassau County alone.

We still have nothing to take to Perkins.

Hey, Billy. Hi, Tami.

Hi, Duane. What do you want, Tami?

So, we're leaving for Grandma's in a few, and Mom wants to know if you're ready.

No, I'm not ready, okay?

I had way too much coffee and way too much cheese.

I'm gonna shit my pants. All right?

I'll take the Windstar. I'll meet you there.

You are so fucking disgusting.

Bye, Billy. Bye, Tami.

Could you not fuck my sister, dude?

What? Hey, man.

What made you think I'd do something like that?

That is a crazy idea. She's your little sister.

You're my best friend.

Yeah. Yeah, no, I know.

That was stupid of me to say. I don't know why I said that.

I'm sorry, and thanks for saying that I'm your best friend.

It's... it's really nice.

I mean, I knew that. Fucking duh. Right?

I mean with that rap about it in middle school.

Remember? You know. ♪ We're B and D ♪

♪ We got no split ends, we comb each other's hair ♪

♪ We're the best of friends, take the mike, B ♪ Okay, I gotta go. Okay.


Hello. Shanser's Pharmacy. Lowell speaking.

Hello?

Hello?

Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Lipman. Walkin' off that turkey, huh?

All right.

Is that Bobby and Fran's son?

He looks like shit.

Oh, shit. Oh, crap.


Oh...


Fuck.

Shit.

Oh, my God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

Ew. Ew. Garbage juice. Garbage juice. Garbage juice.

Ew, ew, ew, ew, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh God, Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh God, oh, God, oh, God!

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh God, oh, God.

No, no baby, don't even worry.

The smell of turkey and corn is making you nauseous.

It is all good. I like eating in the car.

You do? Yeah, it's like a drive-in or something.

I'll see you after I eat, okay? Okay.

No, no, no. No. Shit.

God damn it, Billy, what?

It's Thanksgiving. That's family time.

He. Killed. His. Mother.

I'm sorry, you jerking off?

No, I'm out of breath from running from Lowell's house across the street.

You're out of breath from running across the street?

Now is not the time to make fun of me about how out of shape I am, okay, Perkins?

I am telling you, Lowell Shapiro is a killer.

He poisoned his mother with a syringe that I found and I am now in possession of.

Okay, Billy, what is this, okay?

Is this one of your fucked-up pranks again? Okay?

Do you remember the time in high school you said there was a kegger in the woods, and when I got there, there was just a dead horse?

I'm sorry about that, but I am not fucking with you.

Okay. I understand what's going on.

Yeah. You found out that Lowell fucked Kara, and now you're losing your mind.

It's eating at you.

It's eating at you, Billy, the way that those maggots ate that dead horse's eye. Can you stop being petty for... wait, are you sure they fucked?

It hurts, doesn't it?

To know that the person that you love the most in this world has been with another.

Perkins, please, just come over here.

I have the smoking gun that you explicitly asked for.

Billy, shut up. It's Thanksgiving.

What am I gonna do, I'm gonna have a rendezvous...

Who are you talking to? It's Billy, sweetie.

Oh, tell him I said hi.

Hi, Billy!

Did he say hi?

All right, Billy, I'm coming over.

But I swear to God, you better have something legit.

Thank you, Perkins! Thank you!

Billy, dinner!

Uncle Fred and Corey are starving!

I'll be out in a minute!

I'm cool. I'm cool.

I'm coo, baby. Be cool, baby.

Oh, shit!

Oh, Lowell! We're sorry.

Thank you so much for having me, Mr. and Mrs. Green.

Can I get you a beer?

Oh, no, thank you. I'm just staying for a minute.

Billy, come out of the bathroom. We've got a guest!

Honey, how ya holdin' up?

Oh, thank you. I'm okay.

You know, I got my birds. They got me, so.

Yeah.

Sweetheart.

Well, you remember Lowell.

Lowell Shapiro from across the street?

'Sup, Lowell? Hey, Billy.

I am so happy you decided to come over.

Well, I thought about what you said, and I think you're right.

I shouldn't... I shouldn't be alone tonight, so.

Here I am. Good.

Come on, you'll be our guest of honor.

We'll eat in about five minutes, okay?

Just a couple of things left to do.

You know, Lowell, I'm very, very sorry that I didn't get to know your mom better.

But she didn't come outside very often.

No.

No, she wasn't, uh... she wasn't very social, my mom.

Didn't... didn't really have friends.

Except for me, of course. We... we were best friends.

Did you and Billy go to high school together?

You're like the same age, right?

Ah, yes, yes, we were in high school together.

Class of '03.

You guys like, friends?

Well, Billy and me, we... well, see, Billy was very popular.

They called him "the King of Valley Stream."

And, well, I was but a serf.

Oh, man, I wish I surfed.

Is this turkey a little dry? I'm gonna get some drippings.

No, it's fine. Fran, you sit.

You just sat down. I'll get it.

Oh. Thank you. No problem.

I like your haircut, Corey.

Thank you. It's very neat.

It's $12.

Where'd you find a $12 barber?

I paid $17 for my thing.

Oh, shit! What's scary?

He was coming at you with a syringe!

That is... for the turkey juice.

It's a flavor injector.

No. I...

No, I know... I know that.

Right, you do the thing, and then you push in the juice.

It's an honest mistake, Billy.

If you don't mind, Fran, I'm gonna go to your restroom and clean up, is that okay?

Oh, sure, it's just next to the kitchen there.

That was very rude.

His mother just passed away.

And after he gave me such good advice about my reflux.

He is not who you all think he is.

Oh, I don't wanna hear about it.

I don't know what's gotten into you.

I'd like to buy some X off of you, if you have any.

Yeah, I don't have any Ecstasy.

Okay. At least not in New York.

Oh! But you got the hookup in Vegas, right?

Man, I love that you still party.

You and me, Billy, we get it.

Stop scratching my back.

Hey, Billy, think I found something of yours.

It was on my fence.

That could be... how do you know... it could be anybody's.

Stay... away.

Oh, Lowell, honey, is everything all right?

Oh, yeah. Dinner's getting cold.

Yeah, yeah, everything's... great. Great.

I remembered, I've got some things I gotta take care of and, boy, I ate so much turkey, I wish I could prescribe myself a antidote for tryptophan.

That's the chemical in turkey that makes you sleepy.

Anyway, I'm gonna... Oh, are you sleepy, honey?

Oh, well, listen, if there's anything we can do for you , anything, please don't hesitate to ask.

Yeah, I got everything I need, and this was great.

Thank you so much. Oh, Billy, I almost forgot.

That Habitrol patch I was telling you about.

So you can quit smoking.

First one's on me.

You smoke?

N-no.

I asked him to get them for Duane.

Oh.

Thank, God. Come in.

Okay. What do you wanna show me?

Wait. Wait right here.

Oh, my good... Jason?

Hi, Mrs. Green. How are ya?

Billy didn't tell me you were coming.

Look at you. What a bad son.

Oh, it's been so long. How's your wife?

Wonderful, actually. Shit.

She's eight months pregnant, so, and it's our second.

Oh, my goodness. She's a mom.

It seems like just yesterday the two of them were up there doing their homework on his beanbag chair coming down all sweaty, asking me for snacks.

Who knew studying you could work up such an appetite.

Okay, gotta go. Come on, come on! Upstairs!

Good evening, Officer.

Hi, Corey.

Blue lives matter. Thank you.

So, Lowell... Where is it, Billy.

Okay, God damn it, where is it!

Where's what? Where's what? The tape!

The videotape of you and my wife and breakfast condiments.

Where is it, Billy?!

I don't know what tape you're talking about.

Don't you think I've been hearing rumors about this for a decade now?

And Elana won't give me a straight answer, no.

But I know it's true. I know the tape exists.

I know that you know that I know that it's in here!

There is no tape! Okay?

It's an urban legend from stupid high school.

Hey, listen... hey! Hey!

Oh. Okay. Now, that wasn't...

If I had my gun I would blast you...

Listen to me! Lowell Shapiro is a murderer.

Oh, yeah? Where's the proof?

I had it.

And then he snuck over here and stole it back!

So in the time you called me and I got over here, Lowell Shapiro, the guy who literally saved my parents hundreds of dollars by recommending generic medication, broke into your home and stole a murder weapon?

My... my... my parents invited him over for Thanksgiving...

Okay, that makes sense. No, but listen, that doesn't... that doesn't change anything! Listen, listen, listen!

I snuck into his backyard, and I found the syringe.

Oh, yeah? You broke into his backyard?

Is that what I just heard?

We have to get that syringe before he destroys it, and we don't have much time.

Can you please stop fucking up my room!

What is happening? What is happening?

Okay, I feel like this is one of your fucked-up pranks.

And all of a sudden you're gonna say, "Ooh!

You should see your face!" Ha!

Okay, well I'm not a giraffe in a zoo, Billy.

I'm a lieutenant now!

And I'm done with this.

I'm done with this. I'm done with this.

If you go anywhere near sweet Lowell...

Sweet...

I'm gonna throw your ass in jail.

And I'm taking this dog because my kid loves bobble heads.

Hey, this is Kara Doblowski.

I don't know why I just told you my last name.

You already have my number. Anyway, just leave a message.

Hey, it's me.

I know you have no reason to trust me, and my voicemails can be breathy and creepy.

So I'm sorry for that, and I'm sorry for... a bunch of other stuff, too.

But I have something just really important that I have to tell you, so if you could just meet me at the old parking lot, I would really appreciate it.

Hey.

Hey.

Thanks for meeting me someplace private.

You said it was important.

Yeah.

Wow.

Man...

I haven't been here in a long time.

We had some good times here.

Yeah.

Um, hey... do you got one of those for me?

I thought it was gross that I still smoked.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Are you gonna give me one or not, William?

William?

She's back.

Thanks.

Oh.

Wow.

You're still smoking P-lights?

Everyone in this town is so quick to change.

I like what I like.

Hmm.

Man, it's been a weird day.

I mean, you're here.

Lowell's mom died.

And look, Billy...

I'm flattered that you still have feelings for me...

Lowell is a murderer, and I'm really concerned for your safety.

Oh, ha ha. Yeah.

So, like, weird non-sequitur-y jokes like that don't work for me. No. Kara.

Kara. Lowell is a killer.

You're a piece of garbage. What?

Accusing Lowell of murdering his mother?

But, really, how low can you stoop?

Kara, just let me explain. Wait.

I just realized something.

Did you ask me to meet you here specifically because after you told me that Lowell murdered his mother, you thought we were gonna hook up?

N-no. Oh!

Oh, okay. Right. You're the worst.

No. Wait. No, so... you know what?

So what if I did, a little.

Kara, I mean, this was our place.

We had a lot of romantic moments here.

Come on. Kara, listen to me!

He lied to the police the night his mother died.

I saw him throw something out in his backyard, and I got curious, so I Navy-SEALed my way over there... which, for the record, his back yard looks like True De-fucking-tective...

I went in the trash, and I found... I found a syringe!

Tell me, was the syringe in a yellow bag?

Yes! Kara, yes!

Lowell... is a diabetic.

You fucking dickless twat.

Yeah, that syringe your pussy ass found?

Yeah, that's the color bag you throw medical waste out in.

Bitch. And you know what?

It's not even a secret that Lowell's a diabetic.

You never bothered to find out the first thing about him.

You know why? 'Cause you don't give a fuck about anyone but yourself, Billy.

And I used to be just like you.

When I think of the way I used to treat people, man, I wanna fucking puke.

Thank God you bailed on me.

'Cause if you hadn't bailed, if you had stayed, I'd still be the same pathetic, dumb kid pissing my life away waiting for whatever chicken scraps you might throw me.

And I would've never gotten to know Lowell, the first guy I've been interested in that isn't a complete douchebag.

Wait, did you say "the first guy you've ever been interested in?"

So you haven't slept together yet.

No, Billy, we haven't slept together.

But we will, and when we do, I'm gonna squirt all over his face.

You know, I'm just looking out for your safety!

And squirt is just piss!

Not the way I do it! Last word!


Hey.

Hey, Tami.

You got caught in that storm?

Yeah. Is Duane here?

Oh, no, he's still at my grandma's.

He said something about looking for a VCR?

All right, well just tell him I came by, okay?

Hey, do you wanna come in and dry off?

I'll wait for him with you.

So what's going on?

Oh... you know.

One of those days where nothing turns out the way you thought it would.

I don't get it.

Has this place changed so much? Have I changed so much?

I used to love coming here.

I mean, high school was like...

high school was the best.

Yeah.

I mean, you were... like a... like a god in high school.

A god.

Yeah.

You said it. I didn't.

Well, a lot of other people said it, too.

You know...

I had the biggest crush on you back then.

Stop. Shut up. For years.

Stop it. Yeah.

I-I thought you were, like, the coolest, funniest guy that I'd ever seen in real life. And I saw the lead singer of Fallout Boy at the mall once, so.

Well, that's very nice of you. Thank you.

And the bar was high.

It was.

You were the King of Valley Stream.

Guess I was. Yeah.

Whoa! Whoa!

What're you doing? What do you... what... I--

Why would you do that? You said you had a crush on me.

I was being nice. You just looked so sad.

But you called me the King of Valley Stream.

And I called my arts and crafts teacher

"Mrs. Superman" because I was 10.

You... you... you looked, like, right into my eyes.

But you're old, now!

And you're my brother's best friend.

You knew me when I was in diapers.

Why would you try to do that?

I... I am... I am so, so sorry.

This is like incest. No, no, no incest!

Oh, my God. No, no, no, wait...

Okay. No. Okay. No.

Please don't tell your brother about this.

Oh, fuck!

Ohhhh, fuck.

I'm gross.

I'm a gross person. I'm a gross guy.

Oh...

Fuck.

What is wrong with me?

Oh. Sorry, just came down to get some batteries for my sleep apnea machine.

Hi, Mrs. Douscher.

You okay, Billy?

Oh. Don't be sad.

You're a good boy.

Good boy, sweetheart. Oh.

You really think I'm a good boy?

Yes.

Don't be sad.


Hello!

Oh! Oh. Duane's home.

Well, say hello to your mother for me.

I'm home!

Night, Duane. Night, Mommy.

Billy! Dude, check it out! Look what I found!

It's a projector. I got it from my nanna's house.

You think if we could break open the tape, we can spool it around, just play it on the wall.

You know? Pretty cool. What're you doing here?

Here to see you, pal. And go over the Lowell stuff.

But I'm really tired... Oh, yes.

Speaking of the Lowell case... after you left, I... I was looking, and I found a couple more pictures, thought you might like 'em.

Lowell in high school, student activity stuff.

There's also a picture of me and you in there, just, like, lookin' pretty fuckin' radical.

Well, I gotta head out. I'm really tired.

I think we're really getting somewhere, you know, on this Lowell case, really workin' hard and finding out things.

It's cool, we're like two best-friend detectives who... who solve crimes, yeah?

And spend a lot of time together, and sometimes, it's not about the solving of the crimes.

It's about the time spent together.

Hey, Duane? Billy tried to make out with me.

He's a gross piece of shit.

Get out. Just get the fuck out. Let me explain.

Get the fuck outta my house. Duane, hold on one second.

Get the fuck out. Duane, seriously, listen to me.

No, I'm not gonna listen to you!

That was the one thing I asked you not to do.

The one fucking thing.

You're supposed to be my best friend.

I am. No, you're not!

Get the fuck outta here. I think I'm having a nervous breakdown.

I think I'm going crazy. Fuck you! You're just an asshole, man.

Get the fuck out of Valley Stream and leave me alone, all right?

Yeah, take your fuckin' scooter and go.

And fuckin' leave Lowell alone, too, man.

He didn't do shit to you.

Fuckin' asshole.


My face and head got fat.

I don't carry it well!

Look at how many Cliff Notes I have.

I didn't read anything in high school.

I have two copies of Death of a Salesman Cliff Notes!

I was wondering if I could move my flight up?

Great. Okay. Thank you.

Um... one second.

United...

145... out of terminal... three.

Hello. Yeah, where the hell are you? I'm at your house.

I need to talk to you right now.

I'm getting out of town, just like you wanted.

You don't understand. I don't even understand.

Okay. So I was so angry at you before for accusing Lowell that I went into the pharmacy and checked the records and saw no medicine was missing.

So I was about to send you a whole screenshot of the records along with an old wrinkly penis pic telling you to suck it. Okay. Still super agro, but it sounds like you're onto something.

Okay, so then I saw that the last shipment of digoxiginen was 300 pills at five milligrams.

The sales records say four milligrams.

And I was like, that's weird, everything has to be precise.

So I did some more digging. W-what'd you find?

Alright, the same thing happened to two other medicines in the last six months, lidocane and curare.

Holy fuck! Lidocane and curare?!

I don't, um...

I know what those things are.

Okay, yeah, just... you fuckin' moron, listen.

Together they make up pancuronium bromide.

Pancuronium bromide, it's a deadly poison... and it's untraceable.

Holy shit.

Did Lowell actually kill his mom?

Am I a genius?! Okay, just relax, all right?

You're still the idiot that saw Ace Ventura 2 and then did your homecoming speech out of your butt.

Well let me "ass" you this... are we positive that it is Lowell Shapiro who took the medication?

Look for yourself.

I just sent you the screen grab from the pharmacy records.

For the last six months, it's been no one but Kara Jade Doblowski and Lowell Bernard Shapiro.

Billy, what the fuck is going on? What did you just say?

Oh, my God, I know my middle name is Jade.

All right? I get it. It sounds like a stripper.

You did the whole shtick in high school.

It's not like I didn't hear it already when that David Caruso movie came out.

Did you say Lowell Bernard?

Yeah, that's his middle name.

Bernard.

Bernard...

Crane.

Says here it was done by Bernard Crane.

Who the fuck is Bernard Crane?

Lowell Shapiro is Bernard Crane.

Bernard Crane is Lowell Shapiro.

Lowell is Bernard! Bernard is Lowell!

Finkle is Einhornn! Einhornn is Finkle!

What the fuck are you talking about?

He came up with an alias so that he could sell his house without it looking suspicious, and now he's about to skip town.

You just stay where you are and I will be there as soon as possible, okay?

Whoo!

I got... I solved a murder.

Idiot! You idiot, idiot, idiot, idiot!

You dated a murderer?!

Oh, God, just let your aunt set you up with her nurse.

Hi.

Hi. Hi, Lowell.

What're you doing here? I, uh, was...

I was just coming to check on you.

Oh.

Thank you. That's... that's really great of you.

You're great.

It's been...

It's been really, really wonderful spending so much time with you the last few months.

Yes. Yeah, me too. Yeah.

I know I've kind of been slow to move into things with...


It's cold out there.

Yeah, um, well, you know, you never... you never know what you're gonna get with Thanksgiving weather, right?

Kara? Hmm?

Do you wanna come in for a little bit?

I just wanna show you something.

Um... I'd love to.

But I have to go help my mom...

Kara?

Come in.

Please.

You really need to see something.

Um...

Oh, my God, he's got her. He's got her.

You gotta pull over. You gotta pull over.

Sir, you gotta pull over. Hi. Yes.

911, I'd like to report a kidnapping at 25 Hickory Hill Road.

Yes, yes, a kidnapping! I'm serious!

Okay, baby, I don't know what to say.

I didn't know that my shampoo was pear-scented.

Yeah, I'm not really sure how you missed that.

I thought the pear was like a little mascot or something.

I didn't know that was the... You thought that the pear was a mascot for the shampoo?

Oh, like that's so unheard of.

That a Dracula can sell cereal, but then the pear can't sell...

All right. Enjoy your meal.

I'm not gonna argue about it. It's not a big deal.

We've got a reported kidnapping at 25 Hickory Hill.

Guy says the kidnapper also murdered his mother.

Fuck.

Yeah, this is Lieutenant Perkins.

I'll go check it out.

After I eat my fucking leftovers, Billy, you piece of shit.

Are there any pears in here?

Is that a joke?!

Yeah.

You've reached Duane Douscher!

The rock 'n roll realtor.

Leave a message, and I'll make you dough for sure.

Who am I kidding? I don't need these.

Hey, Duane, I know you have no reason to come help me right now, but we were right about Lowell.

He changed his name to Bernard Crane.

He murdered his mom with medicine he stole from the pharmacy!

I'm printing out the evidence right now!


I need you to come get the evidence from my room.

There is enough here to put Lowell in jail for life.

You need to get that folder to the police no matter what.

Now, I gotta go and save Kara. And that's a whole other thing!

Kara!!

Agh! Agh!

Ow! Why would I do that?

Oh!

Oh, shit!

Oh! It never works!

Shit.

Oh, that is such a unique smell.

Thanks, Mom.

Ow. Ow.


Cool birds.


Billy. Oh, my God!

Now, Billy... Don't hurt me!

Shut up. Shut up! Please!

Don't hurt me! Shut up!

I have ninja stars!

What the hell was that? I have ninja stars!

You're a crazy pharmacist!

Shut the fuck up! I'm not a crazy pharmacist!

Yes, you are! Do not call me crazy!

You're crazy! Yah!

Oh, God. Oh, my God!

Stop it! Billy!

Fuck you! You're so creepy!

I was right about you since the 6th grade!

No one thinks I'm creepy anymore, Billy!

You're a murderer! Shut your fucking little mouth!

Lowell has no pole! What? Shut up!

Lowell has no pole! I have a pole!

Lowell has no pole!

Kara!

Kara?

Kara?

Kara?

Kara.

Billy. You need to see this.

I, Norma Crane Shapiro... make this confession... in the event...

my beloved son, Lowell... should need to use it for legal proceedings.

I've been burdened with Parkinson's Disease... for well over a decade.

However, in the last year... it has moved...

to a more advanced stage.

I'm no longer consistently able... to walk on my own or feed myself.

So...

before my medications stop working altogether...

I want to make it clear... that I died of my own request... at the kind hands of my loving son.

He has helped me do that... which I couldn't do myself... but so desperately needed.

Thank you.

Lowell, I, um...

You know, obviously, I-I didn't know.

My mother was a very, uh... private, proud person.

She didn't want anyone to know about her sickness.

Crane.

That's not an alias.

That's your mother's maiden name.

Yeah.

Shapiro was my dad's name. He left when I was just a baby.

So a couple of months ago, I went and changed it.

I guess that's why you're obsessed with cranes.

Oh, I'm not obsessed.

Well, I like them some. Yeah.

What about the scratches on your arms?

Oh, well... yeah, it's been a... it's been a rough couple of days.

I really didn't realize I was digging into myself that deeply.

And so now you're just... you're gonna sell the house and leave town?

I don't know where I'm gonna go, but I can't stay here.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

My entire childhood, I thought you were some kind of... creep-freak weirdo.

But you're... you're just an innocent, sweet kid, and I'm the creep-freak weirdo... me!

Okay, well, Billy, it's fine. Really...

Do you know what? Let him keep going.

'cause he hasn't quite hit rock bottom yet, yeah.

Kara, you were right.

I'm the same asshole I was in high school.

I've been lying to everyone this entire time.

I'm not invested in some club. There are no Asian investors.

Asians specifically don't like me.

I do work in a nightclub in Las Vegas.

I'm the pissboy restroom attendant.

Most of my day is spent staring at strangers' coke shits.

And, like, seeing peoples' penises out of the side of my eye.

It's not my fault.

It's just like I told the manager, it's human nature!

When someone pulls out their penis, of course you have to take notice, but you don't give it your full attention!

Oh, my God, I'm such a piece of shit.

Such a piece of shit.

Lowell... I am so sorry.

I'm sorry, obviously, I treated you like garbage in high school.

I'm sorry for making up T-shirts that say

"Lowell has no pole" on them and distributing them to the entire student body. That was-

That was fucked up.

And it's weird, 'cause, like... you actually do have a pole.

You have, like, a really fuckin' big pole.

I mean, we're talkin' like... What?

Wait, how do you know that?

I'm sorry I called the cops on you by accident.

Police! Anyone home?

Lowell? Hello?


Holy shit.

Hello, this is Lieutenant Perkins.

Something's not quite right here at 25 Hickory Hill.

Please request backup. Thank you very much.

You fucking prick!

Did you tell the cops that Lowell killed his goddamn mom?!

I said by accident. I might've.

I don't know. I'm sorry.

Wait. What the fuck is that?

♪ We're the best of friends, gotta shout it loud ♪

♪ Always havin' sleepovers, no girls allowed ♪ That's Duane, I told him to come over here with all the evidence against Lowell and give it to the cops.

I'm really fucking you over here, pal.

I'm going to prison.

Hey, hey, no, you're not. No, you're not.

Because your mom made the tape.

No, Kara, it doesn't matter.

I'm still gonna get charged with second degree murder.

And even if the jury's light on me, I lied to the cops.

No.

No, I'm not gonna let that happen.

Okay, I'm gonna go get Duane and stop him before he gets the evidence to the cops.

You guys stay here. I will fix this.

I promise. I'm gonna fix it!

He's not gonna fix it. Not even a little.

Oh, shit!

As you can see, we got signs of a struggle.


Valley Stream Police!

Nothin'. All right, let's keep lookin'.

Got it. I got it, Billy. Billy, I did it!

I did what you asked! I got it, Billy!

What was that?

Motherfucker.

Well, let's go! Go, go, go, go!

Billy! Billy! Billy, I did it!

No, Duane!

I got it, Billy! I fucked up!

Billy, I got it! I got it, Billy!

No! No! I got it! I got it!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Ow.

Freeze! Freeze. Put your...

Oh, fuckin' shit, Billy.

You better have a good goddamn explanation for this, or your ass is going to jail right now.

Ooh!

You should see your face.

No, no, no, no, is this a prank?

You got burned. Is this a goddamn prank?

You motherfucker, is this a prank?!

Boom-shaka-laka-laka. Get your hands up right now!

I got you. No, you did not.

What's in the bag? Nothing.

What's in the bag? Nothing. Just take me to jail.

What's in the bag? There's nothing in the bag.

Perkins, just arrest me. Who cares? What's in the bag?!

Nothing's in the bag! What's in the bag?!

Tell me right now, or I'll shoot you in the leg!

Don't move a muscle. Move a muscle, I'll shoot you.

I don't wanna give you the bag. Let it go! Let it go!

What is this? Dirty Dancing.

What is this? What is this?

Is this what I think it is?

Is this what I fuckin' think it is?

Motherfucker. Motherfucker!

In the house! Everybody in the house!

Let's go!

Sir, come on, let's go. In the house!

What the... where is it?

My mom doesn't keep any butter in the house.

Perkins, we don't have to watch this.

I have to watch this!

Well, what else do you have?

Oh, okay.

Oh.

Reduced-fat cream cheese.

What are you laughing about? Is it whipped?

Don't watch the rest. What happens?

Oh, my God, you're actually doing it.

Oh, fuck. Slow down.

Oh, my God. Okay. Okay.

Oh, no. My mom's cats are in the room.

Why does it have to be real?!

Demons be gone!

What's going on?

You just missed a pretty awesome vid of Perkins' wife with her shirt off in high school.

What? Yeah, I've never seen that done with that.

What done with what? No. What...

Who's eating cream cheese?!

No! No, no, wait, no, no, no. No, no, no, it's fine.

I'm sure that can't be the tape there

'cause see why would he have the tape?

That doesn't make sense, and then the cops see it, and I don't get to see it, that doesn't make sense.

Yah! Whoo!

It's over. It's done. Jail. Now. Here we go.

Here we go. Oh, yeah. Like that, Billy?

Here we are. And into the plant.

Shit, man! Hey!

I don't wanna hear anything out of you.

Not in the car, not anywhere. Wait.

What, Duane?

Okay. Shit.

Okay. Whoa.

Okay. Whoo.

Okey-dokey.

You should know I made out with your mom.

Okay. Okay, big guy.

Should we be, uh, letting that happen?

I don't care.

Let's go. Duane, I'm so sorry.

I know I don't deserve a friend like you, but if you're ever in Las Vegas, I would love to hang out!

Perkins, take it easy. Ow. Ow. Ow!

Feet in. Feet in.

I'd really like that, Billy. I'd love to hang out.

Get your feet off the... whatever. Go home, Duane.


King of Valley Stream, my fuckin' ass.


Shit.

Hey, sweetie. How are you?

Okay, okay. Whoa, whoa.

Slow down, slow down, slow down, slow down What do you mean Joshy's stoned out of his mind?

He ate weed? Oh, well, then how...

Baby, how did he get weed?

Oh, he found it in a bobblehead dog.

Okay. Okay.

Well, we'll talk about this when I get home.

Okay, sweetie. Okay. Just remain calm.

Billy, you piece of shit!