I don't have to tell you people times are tough.
You read the papers.
The country's going to hell.
Now, you take inflation, recession, welfare...
There's nothing we can do about that.
But thanks to muggings, malnutrition... assassination, and disease... we got a chance to make a buck.
I can see that some of you men... must be shocked by that statement... but I didn't write the rules of life myself.
The cripple, the junkie... the wounded, and the dying...
Society calls them all worthless... but they're not worthless... not to us.
To us, each one is worth $42.50... plus 50 cents a mile... and let's not forget it.
Goddamn it, Mother!
When it comes to realizing that people in distress... will jump into the first rig that shows up... well, that's when the drive and the enthusiasm of you men... will make the difference.
But there's another group out there, men.
Code 3 at 1442 Wade Avenue.
Keep it in your pants, Bliss. I'm not through.
But there's another group out there, men... and I will not dignify the Unity Ambulance Company... by mentioning its name... but they want our territory... our sick, your jobs.
But we're not gonna let them do it to us, are we, men?
You bet we're not. No, sir.
Excuse me, Mr. Fishbine.
We have a code 3 at 1442 Wade Avenue, a woman in labor.
Thank you, Jennifer.
A woman in labor.
What could be more eloquent than that?
Well, it looks like life has its own little ways... of summing up the situation, doesn't it, men?
Gentlemen... the F&B Ambulance Company is rolling!
Go. Thank you.
Come on back!
Come on! Get her back here in the ring.
Bring her up here. Bring her up here!
Let me get my hands...
I always pictured lady wrestlers... as a bunch of flabby slobs and dykes... but you're really a fine-looking, delicate girl.
Uh, you get a charge out of sirens?
I can have him turn the sirens on for you if you want.
Anything, as long as it drowns you out.
Well, now you just rest comfortably there.
I don't want any jerky motions... or anything like that, you know.
I think you got some trouble... down here in your coccygeal joint.
Don't worry. Don't worry.
I've had two years' training helping people.
And I've had six years learning how to beat the shit out of them.
Hey! Wait a minute!
Put your hand on my coccygeal joint again... and I swear to God, I'll pull yours off.
OK. OK.Jesus Christ!
We're a 10-9 at East Horizon.
We've got a code 3 at a bar and grill, 62 Wynwood Avenue.
Can you handle?
Hang in there, Jugs. We'll get right back to you.
Driver, outside: Hello?
Lady, we're gonna need a name.
Miss Crocker, have you notified the fire department yet?
I don't want the fire department.
You're a private service, aren't you?
Yes, but we, uh...
Well, then get him out of here.
I've got the money. I'll pay.
I don't think you get the point.
See, we can't take him away from here... until he's been pronounced dead.
Officially, that is.
Are you insane? Look at him.
Oh, yeah. I can see that he's stiff.
But, you see, according to the law... he's still officially alive... until the fire department... or someone with a sheepskin on the wall... comes in and says no.
Which means that someone else is gonna have to know about this.
Now, you want us to handle it?
Uh, we got a D.B. here at East Horizon...
Call the fire and the sheriff.
Has anyone rolled on that code 3 yet?
Negative, One. We're still waiting on you.
Well, give us a couple minutes head start... and then call in the troops.
We'll try and get back in time.
Harry says don't get caught, Mother.
Harry says to play it cool.
Yo, Mother. How's it going?
What you got?
A female alcoholic.
According to the bartender... she was sucking on her fourth double... and dropped over like a rock.
Yeah, well, I didn't figure you guys were suffocating her.
Got a dead swimmer. Let's go. We're running late.
Uh, Mother. Yes, sir.
Let's see what I got here. There you are.
Uh, no. 3's not gonna be enough.
I'm gonna have to have a fin.
A fin. Look.
We're probably gonna have to collect this fee from the state.
They don't pay no more than $30.
I'm not used to shucking out more than 10%.
Mother, don't you read about the cost of living?
It's rising while we stand here.
Now I could've called the guys from Unity.
Unity. Yes, yes.
Thank you, Mother.
Harvey, we've just corrupted the finest driver in the county.
Ok. We're dealing. Check and raise. Come on.
Hell, yes, check and raise.
Come on. Deal the cards.
You don't sandbag, hon.
You ain't traveling fast enough for this kind of company.
I don't want any of that.
Watch it, Anna.
Sorry I'm late, girls.
It's late, but you gonna get her money.
Ooh, we're gonna get her money tonight.
Whoa. Whoa! Aaaah!
Helen, are you all right, dear?
You know what to do.
Don't waste a hernia, Albert. That's our stiff.
Read it and weep. We were here 20 minutes ago.
Hey, Phil. We called you guys in on this.
Mother, you know better than to run off like that from a junkie's place.
I'm not a junkie.
Sure. You've just been doing needlepoint without your glasses on.
I see it all the time.
You gonna put cuffs on her?
No physical evidence.
That's why you don't get this body.
I figure she got rid of it after you ran off.
Pardon me, son.
She stuck this up underneath the frame for safekeeping.
You know, this gum is really diabolical.
I mean, two sticks will hold that kit up.
You can imagine what it'll do to your teeth.
He's all yours, Mother. Thank you.
Hey, man. You can't do that.
You guys jumped their call.
They already got another body in their rig.
Just common sense.
I mean, how can you get the stiff downtown... and you got two flat tires?
Have mercy. I thought you'd never get here.
Huh. What took you so long?
Helen, they're here.
Right this way.
OK. Take her over.
There you go.
Go around? Around.
Right in here, honey.
Right in here.
All right. You gonna be all right.
You all right, honey?
Yes. She's gonna be.
Her hip is busted is what it is.
Oh. Has a doctor taken a look at this, ma'am?
Honey, if the doctors won't make house calls in Beverly Hills... just who do you think I'm gonna find to come down here?
Ain't that the truth?
Would you excuse me, please?
We're gonna move her over on this board.
Just a little over that way, please.
There you go.
Now we're gonna have to move you on this board... so you just try to cooperate and relax, OK?
You ready? Yep.
All right. Let's go. 1, 2, 3... go!
Uh, now, if you could just...
Maybe if you could roll over this way just a little bit...
Would you roll over? It would be a big help.
Watch the arm.
All right now. Easy, easy.
It's all right. Easy. Easy now.
All right now.
Would you just move, just a little bit, please?
Could you pull that chair out?
Thank you. Thank you.
You got it?
Now wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Just like I got her here.
I can't believe this.
All right. Hold it, hold it.
Wait a minute. Come on.
You need some help?
Would you? Yes. Could you?
Would you mind going over there?
And if you could get on the other side... and when I say 1, 2, 3, we all lift at the same time.
Here we go. Christ!
Her head's in my crotch!
All right. You all right?
Come on. Don't drop her, for Christ's sake.
Oh, here we go. Here. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Here we go. All righty.
Down. Going down.
Wait a minute. My fingers. My fingers.
Pull it up on this...
Yeah. All right?
All right? OK.
That'll be $42.50 and 50 cents a mile.
You get Helen downstairs, honey, and I'll pay you when she's all loaded in.
All right now. 1, 2, 3... up!
OK. Get around that corner.
This OK? Relax.
Thanks a lot. Yeah.
Take it easy, boy. Ohh!
Well, let me get around, will you?
You got her, Walker?
Waaah! Look out!
Oh, my God.
Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
Ah! Ah! Ah!
No, no, no, no, no!
I think y'all just blew that $42.50, baby.
Ow! Jesus H. Christ!
What's the matter? I never touched you. What's the matter?
There's something biting me down here!
That's what's the matter! Get me out of here!
Come on! Get out!
Pull yourself out, will you?
Would you call an ambulance?
I had a friend of mine that smoked dope.
He set his whole house on fire.
And then by the time he finished smoking that stuff... he just about coughed himself to death trying to get high.
Never did understand.
Nothing wrong with a good drink.
On top of that, you look nasty when you do it.
No. No, thank you.
Help you sleep.
No. I've been asleep for an hour.
I don't care what time of day or night we pass this way.
Why does the Lord tempt me this way?
Now, Harry promised the head sister... you wouldn't do that stuff anymore.
I can't help myself.
Ha ha ha!
You're a mean man. Yes.
You know, come judgment day, those ladies... are gonna boot your ass right back through the pearly gates.
Are you kidding me? They love it.
Takes the place of sex.
Ha ha ha!
Have to dignify myself... by calling you for a lousy $24.30.
This is no collection agency, you know.
This happens to be the owner.
I am the head of F&B. That's right.
I shouldn't have anybody calling, but I'm doing you this service.
I'm showing you the decency of getting you on the phone personally.
That's the way I like to do things... personally, one-to-one.
So if you come down here, I'll punch you right in the mouth.
Don't give me that lip.
We were nice enough... We were nice...
Mike, we were nice enough to pay your bills, and there were a lot.
I am talking...
Shouldn't be too much longer now.
I am talking to you like a gentleman...
Hey, Jugs. Ha.
It's your lucky day, Jugs.
I took a rock producer with kidney stones... down to Cedars last night... and guess what he gave me.
Here, well, take a look.
I've seen kidney stones before.
Ha ha ha!
No. It's two tickets to the Cat Stevens concert tonight.
Now come on. What do you say, Jugs?
Please stop calling me that, Murdoch.
Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
I try. I really try hard.
But every time I see those headlights of yours...
Or honey, either.
My name is Jennifer... and headlights are found on automobiles.
Now will you come?
I hope you have a cold shower around here.
I said, I hope you have a cold shower around here.
I'm afraid I don't understand.
Good morning, Mother.
Mr. Speck on two, sir.
You know, if I was 20 years younger...
I'd only be 3.
Mr. Fishbine wants to see you.
He's on the phone.
So the least you could do...
I happen to have the finest staff of crack drivers in the city down here.
I mean, the name of F&B has been a goddamn hallmark of...
Hallmark of excellence in this town.
We care enough to send the very best. We care enough to send...
Anyway, if one of my drivers... happens to fall through your staircase and gets rabies... that's your responsibility.
What do you landlords use down there, anyway, balsa?
I'll see you in court, fella.
How do you fall through a staircase and get rabies?
I don't know. That pinhead Walker.
He gets bit by a rat last night.
You think that's funny? He may die from it.
What, the rat?
Now look, Mother, I'm gonna make this short and sweet.
So far this morning, I got 3 lawsuits hanging over me...
I got a driver in the hospital with rabies... and there's a city council meeting only a week away.
So the last thing in the world I need for you... is to give me extra schmutz.
I don't follow.
Were you out buzzing the nuns last night?
They eat it up, Harry, believe me.
Please leave those sisters alone.
It was bad enough with the mother superior bugging me.
Now I got the goddamn monsignor up my ass.
Can I say something? No!
A Mr. Moran is here, sir.
Some candy. Take it. It's good for you.
Hi, Mother, you old mother. How are you?
You're a little too classy for that.
Yeah. That's strictly caveman material.
Anyway, Harry, what you got?
I got two possibles.
Got a lady wrestler with a broken hip.
You ought to be able to prove negligence on the part of the arena.
She's in Hollywood Presbyterian, room 282.
We'll give her a shot of the good old moral outrage.
I'll sign her up and get back to you.
Mrs. Natasha Gurdin...
She got her hand caught in a garbage disposal.
Ha ha ha!
Yeah, but it was her writing hand, Whiplash... so you just stick the pen in her teeth.
Aren't you supposed to be driving around... and pulling old ladies out of trees or something?
Yeah, as soon as I get my $5.00.
$5.00 I had to pay out for that stiff swimmer... in the city bar last night.
Yes. It used to be 3.
What kind of a goddamn world is this coming to, anyway... when everybody's a goddamn crook?
Harry, I think you could stand the competition.
Oh, now look, sweetheart.
Between your beers and tapes and all the other goddamn things... that no self-respecting ambulance company would let you get away with...
That's why I like working for you... because you have no self-respect.
Why don't you try running a company with your nuts in a vise 24 hours a day?
And I just might do that just to watch that vise slam shut on you... when I quit.
Oh, dream on, sweetheart. Dream on.
You need money to run a company, your own money... and you wouldn't fork over a...
To watch you go to jail, I would.
Now this guy's outside waiting for you.
I eyeballed him on the way in.
He's either a cop or a crook.
Well, from what this paper says, I think he's both.
He's a veteran, goddamn it... and we owe these people a debt we can never repay.
Yes. You owe everybody a debt you can never repay.
You may go in now.
He's right inside, Officer... but I doubt if he'll go peacefully.
I got to hand it to you, Whiplash.
You nailed him.
Just say I have a kind of a sixth sense about people.
Either that or a big nose.
I'd say you had enough legal difficulties, young man... without adding slander to it.
That's an actionable statement under US Code 9-53.
But only if you don't commit a 12-37 while taking that action.
I never heard of a 12-37.
You never heard of the number you gave him.
What did he do, anyway?
I don't know.
I couldn't see anything but the top of the paper.
But don't worry, Jugs.
If it's rape, I'll get you a whistle.
Johnson, Arthur, huh?
Uh, Malditesta, Anthony.
So you're the cop, huh?
Well, your medical and driving qualifications seem OK.
I drove an ambulance in Vietnam for 3 years.
Take a seat, kid.
Grab a seat, any seat.
Come on. Sit down.
You know something?
It really used to piss me off... the way all the freaks back here... downgraded all the young men, the young men like you... who went off and served their country.
I thought the war was stupid and immoral.
I hated every minute I was there.
Yeah. Well, there's two schools of thought on that, right?
Anyway, I'm glad you got here at the right time.
One of my drivers broke his leg last night.
You can start filling in for him right away.
I-I wasn't prepared to start now.
Atta boy, tiger.
You're gonna be working with a man named Murdoch.
Oh, yeah, one more thing.
This report from the police commission said you sold drugs... cocaine.
Actually, it says I was accused of selling drugs.
The investigation's still pending.
I know, but I also know that when cops go after other cops... they sometimes have a habit of, uh, pissing milk on each other.
You know what I mean? I've heard that.
I've never actually seen it happen, of course.
Uh-huh. What I'm trying to say is, I assume you're clean now.
I never used drugs.
Oh, I believe you and all that.
But why don't you roll up your sleeves for me, huh?
You don't usually shoot cocaine. You snort it.
But I'd be very happy to blow my nose for you.
I'm just testing you.
Now look, Tony.
I hope you don't think this job's gonna be all glory.
I know you're used to a good-looking uniform and a flashy rig... but it takes more than that.
It takes guts, compassion, and elbow grease to finally make the grade.
You can't expect to turn into an overnight, uh...
Now, I'd go easy on a joke like that around here.
I mean, a nice-looking fella like yourself... a remark like that could be misunderstood... especially by a guy like Murdoch with an all-day heat on.
Oh, he won't be a problem.
We've already met.
He's taking me to the Cat Stevens concert Saturday night.
You got a hell of a sense of humor.
You're gonna need it on this job... so you just work hard, work hard, and...
Keep my nose clean? That-a boy.
Ha ha ha! Oh, boy.
I'd love to give her a shot some night, man.
Murdoch, we're all gonna chip in one day... and buy you something that won't fight back... like a quadruple amputee.
Ha ha ha!
Oh, great backgammon god... this is Mother talking to you.
I need you now more than ever.
Show me a sign of recognition.
Ha! Double 4. Double 4.
Leroy, I've just stepped on your manhood.
Hey! How you doing?
Turn that machine off, will you?
Turn the machine off!
We met briefly outside.
I'm the Brown Hornet.
This is my swarthy Filipino sidekick, Kato.
What do you say, man?
Hi. That's, uh, Rodeo and Bliss and Murdoch.
Hey, that's headache in Italian.
Well, luckily for you, you're just about Walker's size... so you can wear one of his uniforms until one of our tailors...
Uh, Mr. Vernet of Inglewood... comes in and fits you properly.
Uh, which locker's his?
112, right over there.
5 letters. He wrote something called Look Homeward, Angel.
Wolf has 4 letters, pea brain.
Thomas Wolfe, with a silent " E" on the end.
If you've read Bambi, you're one up in this room.
That was a great flick.
The part I remember most...
Bambi's mother had great tits.
Roll, loser. Be a credit to your race.
I think I'm supposed to be driving with you.
What kind of rating you got?
Hey, Bliss, he outranks you, man.
Ratings mean very little to me.
I'm just doing this for a brief period of time before medical school.
The trick is to try every related job once... find out what it's all about, and then move on.
We have a code 2, 1324 Mariposa. Mr. Klein.
Murdoch, you got it.
Oh, come on, Mother. I took him down the last time.
What is he, a hypochondriac?
Worse. He's a grunt.
It's a senior citizen to you.
Roll, will you?
You roll, too!
Ok. Come on, Malditesta.
Wait a minute.
It's my roll. I quit.
You gonna be childish about it?
Thank you for coming so quickly.
He's over there.
Yes, Mrs. Klein. I know, Mrs. Klein.
I've been here before.
He's had another relapse.
Yes. I've been here before.
Yes. OK. You get the bedclothes.
I'll take care of this.
He's a sick man.
What are you, too good for sick people?
Get away then. I'll put him on myself. I'll put him on myself.
No, no. I... I...
I'll put him...
I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm really very sorry, Mrs. Klein.
Why do you have to do this... every time I come, Mr. Klein, huh?
This old grunt's worth a dozen trips to the hospital every month.
They keep telling him he's getting better and shipping him back... but they... they all know he's dying.
I bet you his old lady's reading over that insurance policy right now.
As soon as we drop him off, we'll go get a hamburger some place. OK?
Murdoch, I think he's dead.
Oh, man. How about that?
I hope his old lady doesn't try to pin it on us.
Well, it's her own fault anyway. She should have made the call a code 3.
Twins. 13 years old. Got it?
So I told them, why don't you both put out for me, and I'll pretend you're 26?
Ha ha ha! You got it? I got it.
Tell me, Murdoch, um...
Jugs... you must have nailed her, right?
I, well, no, not exactly. No.
Uh, yeah, she takes off 5 nights a week.
Nobody knows where she goes.
Nobody ever comes to pick her up.
I think she's a lesbian, myself. Why's that?
Well, this may sound a little fatheaded, but I rushed her pretty good.
You know what I mean?
And, uh, nada. Ha ha!
At first, I thought she was trying to play hard to get, but then I realized...
If she didn't dig a really dynamite guy like yourself... she's probably not interested in men in general, huh?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, something like that. Yeah.
If you want to make small talk, I don't have the time.
If you want a date, the answer's no.
Excuse me. I wanted a W-4 form to fill out.
But you seem to be so hung up on yourself... it's a little difficult to talk to you.
Thanks for the instant analysis.
That's all you give people time for.
Sniffing around Jugs, huh?
Hell, don't blame the boy for that.
I wouldn't mind wandering through that melon field myself.
Ha ha ha! Here. Pick one.
Cost you $5.00.
What for? It's kind of a pool.
A lottery on how many stiffs we bring in by midnight.
Say you pick number 9.
We bring exactly 9 bodies by midnight, you won yourself 20 bucks.
That simple, huh?
Count me out.
We don't kill the people. We just bet on them.
You seem to be a touch bashful for a guy who used his badge... to sell speed to little kids.
Wait a minute. What speed? What little kids?
No little kids.
And it wasn't speed; it was coke.
Speed. Coke. Hell, what's the difference?
Speed's an hallucinogen.
Eh, blow it out your ass, Bliss.
I was acting on orders. From whom?
What the hell are you doing down here, driving with me?
I don't really know!
You better not fool around with him. He knows Al Capone.
Who the hell is Al Capone?
Uh, some sissy.
I have never cheated you, and I'm not about to now.
Uh, now look, uh... don't you call me a shyster.
If anybody's a shyster...
I'd just like a drink of water.
I won't even look this time. I promise.
You can't get offended if I don't even look.
Are you feeling all right?
Oh, hi. I'm Naomi Fishbine.
You must be the new driver.
My Harry said you had an odd sense of humor.
I'm... I'm... I'm very sorry.
I thought you were, uh, Jennifer.
Jennifer. I know, yes.
Well, she just left.
I usually take over for her on the late shift.
Hello? Hello? Moran?
Isn't it exciting to be part of a growing company?
Uh, Peaches, would you see if you could reconnect me with Mr. Moran, huh?
Of course, doughnut.
How's it going, tiger?
Moran, you back?
Good evening. Be with you in a minute.
People aren't meant to celebrate alone.
But what I'm celebrating I did alone.
Oh, uh, by the way... thanks for filling Mother in on the intimate details of my past.
As a matter of fact, he was the one who filled me in.
Uh, he didn't mean anything by it.
He was just being protective, just being Mother.
Oh, I understand.
Decent people can't be too careful working around a convicted criminal.
Oh, I didn't think you'd been convicted of anything, just accused.
I've been waiting for someone to notice the difference.
Sit down, why don't you?
I don't mind.
What's your pleasure?
Cutty and water.
Uh... will they decide on your case soon?
Any year now.
It seems a strange time to, uh, pick a new career for yourself.
You don't get paid while you're on suspension.
This is the only other thing I'm qualified for... human garbage collector.
Here you go. Thank you.
I wouldn't say that around Mother. He's easily offended, you know.
Yeah, you can tell he's a very sensitive guy.
Hey, Mother's all right. He's the best of them.
I trust him, and I like him.
Even though he calls you Jugs, like the others?
That name really seems to upset you.
Well, your name is Malditesta.
How would you like to be called Testes?
Come on, now. That's not the same thing.
You know, they talk a lot about you, the drivers...
Where you go at night, what you do.
Murdoch thinks you're a lesbian.
Murdoch couldn't get laid in a whorehouse... with a hundred-dollar bill sticking out of his ear.
Now, that's where you go after work, huh?
I knew we'd find out her real job sooner or later.
Leave it alone, Murdoch.
Hey, come on, man. We got a code 3. We're rolling.
We got to go to the university.
Oh, come on, Speed. Somebody could be dying.
Good night. Come again.
Hey, hey, hey!
I'll tell you when you can drive.
It took you long enough.
I can't tell. A whole lot.
A Dr. Sims will be waiting for her at Angel of Mercy in Brentwood.
We'll meet you there.
Oh, well, uh, the medical center's only two blocks away, sir.
She needs her stomach pumped.
Mercy doesn't have an emergency room. Are you a doctor?
No, but I'm telling you, she needs her stomach pumped.
Then do as you're told, damn it.
Uh, will you be taking care of this bill, sir?
What is it?
That'll be $65.
OK. Let's move her out.
Excuse me, miss.
Excuse me, miss. Thank you very much.
Watch your feet, ladies, please. Watch your toes.
You wanted to drive, Speed?
You take the wheel.
Should I call ahead to the hospital?
What are you doing, man?
What the hell are you doing? Get out.
Jesus! A move like that could ruin my life.
Get out! Eat shit!
Jesus Chri... Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
You're not a cop anymore, you know. You don't have to be to call one.
Go ahead and call one. She's in no condition to identify anybody.
Hey, wait a minute. Everybody knows I drive this rig.
That puts you in the back with her! Get in there!
You want something?
Ha ha ha!
Ah! Ha ha ha!
So where's the mayo?
On the side.
You should put it on the burger.
That way you wouldn't waste the paper plates.
I lied 4 times in my life.
I stole apples when I was a kid.
I cheated on my wife once.
I even prayed for the death of my in-laws.
All these things, God will forgive me.
But putting mayonnaise on a cheeseburger... with peanut butter and onions... is a sin you alone will have to be responsible for.
I see the people next door are up to 17 billion.
You must be letting the occasional customer slip by.
Ha ha ha!
Don't worry about me.
Just worry about yourself and all that crap you pour on that beautiful meat.
Put it on my tab.
I already put your tab on my bedroom wall, Mother.
That way, when I wake up in the middle of the night...
I can look across the room and see my grandchildren starving.
OK. Put the violin away. Leroy, pay the man, will you, please?
What do you mean, " pay the man"? I didn't eat anything.
Pay the man. Come on. $1 .95.
You gonna let him call me cheap?
Keep the change.
These people live on their tips, you know.
Unit One, a code 2 at 27 Hayes Avenue.
An addict for voluntary commitment.
Her doctor is with her.
Code 2. Let Rodeo and Bliss take it.
Man, you know, the way I feel sometimes, they can just take it all.
Ha ha ha!
I'll give you your $2.00 back, man. Ha ha ha!
No, it's not that. Well, what is it?
Well, look at me. I'm 25 years old.
I got $8.37 in the bank. OK.
The only chicks I meet are hemorrhaging or have bullet holes in them.
You know, if you'd put some fertilizer... underneath that sad-looking mustache you tryin' to grow... you'd probably get about 3 or 4.
Come on, Mr. Tucker.
I know you're out there.
But what's it all for?
It's for the greater glory of some jive-ass crook like Harry Fishbine.
Well, you get to ride in the cockamamie rig... keep your own beer, play your own tapes... work whenever you want to.
I mean, where else you gonna get that?
You work for them, you work strictly by the book... so some jive movie star don't sue your butt off.
That's no way to live.
No, that's right, man. It's no way to live.
Done with this?
Come bury it.
Goddamn it, Mother.
Everybody else is on a call.
Move your ass!
Yes, sir, Mr. Harry. We're coming right now.
You son of a bitch.
We got the, uh, arm and leg restraints?
I'll get that crap.
You just go make nice with the doctor.
Now, uh, now let's be cool, lady.
I need drugs.
Yeah, well, I'm hip... um, and we'll get you some, OK?
But now let's just... let's take it easy, OK?
Morphine or demerol.
Whatever you got.
Ok, oh, well, you see, we don't, uh, carry any drugs in the rig... at least not the kind you're looking for.
But I'll get you some, OK?
But now... why don't you just put away the gun?
Now, I wouldn't shit you, lady.
We don't carry it. It's the law.
Ambulance needs a black and white.
Ambulance needs a black and white.
Woman with a gun. Homicide at 210 Howland Canal.
You come out of there!
You come out of there!
Put that gun down.
Put it down!
Code 3, use caution.
Code 3, code 3, use caution.
Mother, you know you're not supposed to carry a piece in your rig.
Cars 9 and 14. Cars 9 and 14...
When we match that slug to his .357... he'll lose his ambulance license for sure.
I tell you right now, they don't match.
Yeah, if that's not the biggest hunk of buckshot I ever saw...
How'd you like to go back to busting gay bars?
We're about done here, Mother.
Go home. Get some sleep.
We'll take Leroy with us.
I'll take him home myself.
I really am.
Oh, as much as I hate to break the mood... it's, uh, it's midnight.
I drew number 8.
Any objections, huh?
I'm terribly sorry, Mother.
I suppose this is a rather inopportune time to mention it... but we didn't include Leroy.
That makes 9 bodies.
No one drew 9.
Hey. Wait a minute.
Leroy doesn't count, for Christ's sake.
I didn't mean it that way, Mother.
Here. I'll split it with you.
I, uh... Take the whole thing.
Oh, come on, man. Are you crazy?
Hey, stop it.
All right. That's enough.
Hey, take it easy, Mother.
Stop it, Mother. Stop it, Mother.
Knock it off.
Come on, Mother.
Bliss, you chicken, get the hose!
Man, come on. Get up.
Now, I know that it's fourth and 20... and I know that every other schmuck in the world... would just drop back and punt... but that's what separates the men from the ladies.
Boys. Now, we're gonna pass.
We're gonna pass, we're gonna pass, and we're gonna score.
Now then, first things...
This franchise is not going under.
Mother, you're gonna double up with Tony here... till I get a couple of new drivers.
I drive alone. Out of the question.
I drive alone! I said, out of the question!
You send me out on the code twos only.
That frees Rodeo and Bliss to go out on the tough stuff.
One man in a rig is illegal. Everything about this place is illegal.
Good morning, Mr. Fishbine.
Did I send for you?
No. I would like to see you about something.
Well, thank you for coming.
Get out your pad.
I don't have a pad. I never had a pad.
Well, then, start.
Now, look, Mother. What about Tony here?
Who does he drive with? He doesn't have the experience.
Uh, pardon me.
Are we running a vocational school for moonlighters?
I mean, no offense to you, Speed.
Don't worry about me, Harry...
Now, look, Mother.
Mother, you know how much this next week means to me, to all of us.
When Taylor over at Unity hears about this, he's really gonna put on the heat.
Now, if you leave me with only one rig to respond to code 3s...
Now, wait a minute.
You're in no position to argue, Mother!
You'll be lucky if Murdoch doesn't sue you for assault.
He sues me, I'll beat on him again.
Anyway, you drive my hours... you listen to my music... and you pay for your own beer.
And yours, too, from what I understand.
Yeah. But I accept your apology.
OK, understand now.
Whether you make it or not, I mean, I couldn't care less.
If you're gonna try, then you might as well learn from the best.
Just behave yourself.
So this is where you went after work. That's it.
I am now a qualified EMT-1 and ambulance driver.
When do I start?
Honey, when I get hard up enough to hire a woman driver...
I'll be dead two years.
But you need drivers.
Now, look, sweetheart, we got enough problems already... just trying to get people into the ambulances in the first place.
All we got to do is hire a woman driver, put her behind the wheel... and most people would rather bleed to death right there in the street.
It took me months to complete these courses.
I'm just as qualified as any man. Look. The diplomas says so.
All right. Why don't you just try Unity, huh?
Go on. See how far this high-class toilet paper gets you.
I bet you Taylor won't even take you on.
He's got 15 kinds of liberation coming out his ass.
I don't want to work for Unity. I want to work here.
You are working here, sweetheart.
Now, look. I'll make you a deal.
You get back to that switchboard, and I'll have this framed, huh?
Mr. Fishbine... frame that.
Son of a gun.
Hey, beautiful. Yeah?
They leave you alone on a code 3?
Well, lead on, gorgeous. We'll help you out.
Hello. This is Jennifer in Unit Two.
Jennifer, what are you doing?
Have we got any calls, anything, a code 2, 3?
What in the world are you doing? Mrs. Fishbine, listen carefully.
In the drawer underneath the switchboard... there's a red book with the names of the phony patients we carry... got it?
Now, if you could just... Phony patients?
Yes. The names of the people we give a kickback to after the county pays us.
Now, I need a name and an address near the intersection of, um...
My Harry would never do such a thing.
I am not looking for any such book because there is no book.
6 to 5 you run out of gas... before they do.
All right, lady. What the hell do you think you're...
Oh, thank God you're here.
Oh, I got to get him to the hospital immediately.
The sooner the better.
The whole stove blew up. Oh, my God. Take it easy now.
Don't you know F&B? The best darn service in the city.
That's right. Here we go.
Thank you, Officer.
Easy does it. Easy, easy.
Oh, Officer, your car seems to be blocking the alleyway.
Would you mind? Thank you very much.
Hospital. Hospital. Yes, yes.
Christ, that was good.
Would you believe? I've never been more terrified in my life. Whoo!
Here. Let me help you.
Did you see the expression on his face?
You were brilliant. No, you were brilliant.
I've decided that you're either someone very special or a very talented liar.
I'm not terribly special. Liar.
It's just that I... I don't want you to misunderstand my feelings.
I think we should both know where we stand.
You tell me.
Well, later on, for instance, when you take me home... you'll want to make love to me, but you won't.
No. Because we both know... that I'm not the type to roll over on the first date.
So you wait a couple of nights and, uh, feel better about it... then make your move.
We'll have wasted 3 whole days.
Well... they don't call me Speed for nothing.
Let's hope they don't call you Speed for everything.
OK, Jennifer, now, look.
I can take a joke as well as the next guy... but if you don't return that rig PDQ... there's gonna be some criminal charges involved around here.
Just promise me you'll be the arresting officer.
Now, listen, sweetheart.
If you can't face me for some reason, at least report your position.
Oh, maybe I should take the rig back after all.
You can't. I locked you in.
You have to perform an unnatural act to find the keys.
Well, give me a hint.
Oh! Oh! Ha ha ha!
If that's the way you look after a good night's rest... you ought to stay awake for the rest of your life.
Why don't you take some oxygen? I'll be all right.
Yeah. Thank God it's a quiet morning.
That's just what I was thinking.
At Greenville Hills Country Club.
See the club attendant. Code 3.
Uh, that wouldn't be a Unity call we're responding to?
It's a code 3, and it's just 4 blocks away.
Can we help it if we're humanitarians?
Eighth green. He got smacked in the head by a drive.
We're bringing him in.
You can't drive that thing across there. You'll wreck the course.
Keep off the green! Go around!
Put him down, idiot.
It's all right. I'm a doctor.
Christ, today's Wednesday. You must all be doctors.
You just sent this man into shock. What are you, a vet?
I happen to be the finest dermatologist in the city.
Yeah. Well, if acne breaks out, we'll let you know.
Here. You take the wood covers, fill them up with sand, please.
Ton, you hold his neck straight until we can wedge him in on either side.
Uh, thanks a lot, Albert. We got him.
No. We ain't leaving here without him, Mother.
You don't shaft this nigger twice in one week.
Please, Albert, not in mixed company. We were here first.
That's what the injuns keep saying, Jim.
This man is an epileptic. Here. Hold his head, Tony.
You better sit on his legs here.
Give me that putter there. Give me that putter.
Sit on his legs.
Sit on his legs!
For crying out loud, sit on his legs!
Think that's gonna help?
OK. Thank you, Albert.
Thank you, Albert.
Smooth job, Mother. We'll take it from here.
Hey, man, I earned this.
Too true, man, but face it... even though you got the baddest rig in town... how you gonna get this dude downtown on two flat tires?
No, you didn't.
You must have run over a couple of them new steel tees.
No, you didn't.
You're gonna get the bill for that, Taylor.
You know, those tires your boys slashed, they weren't scooter tires.
No, sir. They... They were...
$64.50. They were $64.50.
And they didn't slash the tires. That's right, $64.50 apiece, times two.
You know what... Well, you're gonna find out what that is.
They just let the air out. I know what they did. Well, why'd you...
Don't tell me.
After yesterday, the switchboard suddenly looks good to you, huh?
I heard about what happened, Jugs.
You stick to your guns. Women drivers are long overdue.
You know, sweetheart, I could have you arrested for stealing an ambulance.
Mr. Moran advises me otherwise.
He says since I'm an accredited driver and technically in your employ...
Moran? When did you talk to that crook? This morning.
He says I have an airtight discrimination in employment suit... which could bankrupt this company.
This company is bankrupt.
Now, look, sweetheart, you'd have to live with the other drivers.
Do you realize that? Sleep with them.
I can't afford separate quarters for you... and what about when those guys start sleepwalking about 3:00 in the morning?
No upper berth will be too high. I can promise you that.
And then you got some half-assed Romeo like Tony moving in on you...
I've already slept with him. Oh, fantastic!
Look. It works out just great.
No, it doesn't. It does. She rides with Speed.
You wouldn't want to break up a matched couple, right?
OK. Then I get my rig back. Now, that gives you an extra unit.
Thanks very much, Mother.
And I'd like one with clean sheets. Why don't you be nice?
"Be nice." This girl's too green.
I can't send her out with somebody who's been driving less than a week.
Then I'll ride with Mother and Tony until I'm broken in.
No women allowed in my rig unless they're flat on my back and bleeding.
But you just said you were in favor of women driving.
I am, but not in my rig. Now... What about my rights?
Oh, you got your rights, and I have mine. Now...
Well, I'm afraid you gentlemen have left me with no alternative. I'll sue.
Oh, yeah? We'll see about that. Get me Moran on the phone.
Yeah. Get Whiplash.
I am not a secretary anymore.
You will be, damn it! You will be after I straighten him out!
Give him hell, Harry!
Oh, Unit One?
Mr. Tucker, you have a code 3.
415 West Washington.
Unit One, 10-4.
I was supposed to ride this rig alone.
Now I don't have any room for the patient.
I'm up here.
Just come up the stairs.
I was just going out to get the mail... so I didn't bother to put on any underwear... and by the time I felt the zipper catch... it was too late.
Put the gurney down.
This is it. Life or death.
Finally got your chance.
Come back here.
Does she have to?
Uh, yes, sir, she's first-rate, the best we got... with the dedication of a jungle missionary.
I'm all thumbs myself.
You are disgusting.
Yes. Mother, I...
No. Wait, wait. What is this?
Selective medical attention? That's beautiful.
First day riding with me, and you're a specialist?
Get in there.
It's really stuck in there.
Yank it down.
Well, look, champ.
You want to sit there like that for the rest of your life?
I'll try to be as careful as I can.
Now, don't excite the man.
That thing swells up, those zipper marks are gonna look like tire tracks.
Well, he said he'd only be in there 20 minutes.
Institute of Sexual Awareness.
Oh, that feels good. Take it down here.
Ahh, that's so nice.
Hey, what's the "Tahitian Titillation"?
The same thing you're getting, except I wear a sarong.
I see. And... Ooh!
Oh, I knew it was too good to be true.
Mother. Hello, Marsha.
What have you got for a hangover?
A dime for a cup of coffee.
Oh! A mean one.
Gimme the B-12, please.
All right, darling.
Bend over and drop your veil.
All right. But no funny stuff this time.
Honey, if you can't tell which one is the needle by now...
Hey, what's that?
Well, how often a year do you get a telegram?
You've been reinstated.
You going back?
A code 3.
Unit One, 10-1.
Lucky's Market, 2611 Lincoln Boulevard.
The woman is in labor.
We're on our way. 10-4.
I'll get Mother.
Oh, we'll be back before he notices we're gone.
So it's a woman in labor.
We're both fully accredited, and you can drive this rig.
I'll do it.
You ready? Wait.
How close are we?
It's her fifth baby.
Uh, Southside Emergency.
5 blocks down. Take a right.
Dr. Binder. Dr. Binder, line 3, please.
What do you got?
She's giving birth any second. Who's her doctor?
She hasn't got one. Then she goes to County.
There's no time. We're full up here.
Besides, we don't handle obstetrics in Emergency.
I don't think you understood me. This woman's about to have a baby.
And I don't think you understood me. We don't handle that here.
The quicker you get her out, the better chance you have to making it to County.
Let's go. But wait...
How much farther?
5 or 6 minutes.
The head's coming out.
Here he comes. Yes.
OK. Bear down.
There it is.
Ha ha! You're a mother.
Ha ha ha ha!
It's all right. Look there.
It's not working.
I can't stop it.
It's all right, Jennifer.
We have to cut the cord.
Oh, we're not supposed to.
That's for the doctor. The, uh... The hospital.
It's all right, Jennifer. Everything's gonna be fine.
Everything will be all right, Jen.
I think I'll go down to the corner for some coffee. Want some?
I can make it, unless you want the walk.
It's not the fact that it happened, Jen.
It's just that...
I felt so damn helpless.
I want you.
You, too, Bubbles.
Got a big meeting down at City Hall.
Harry wants a show of force, and we're it.
Uh, if you understand me, rap on the wall.
I'll get the coffee.
Snow white and 7 cubes for me.
Got it hand it to you, Jugs.
One quick flip in the sack, and you got him going for the coffee.
Oh, you're good.
Doesn't anything bother you anymore?
You've been playing that stupid role so long that... nothing finally moves you anymore?
So a couple of people died in the van last night, huh?
I held a bloody baby in my arms.
Watched the mother...
And what you witnessed... was a massive hemorrhage... which no doctor in the world could have stopped... with the equipment that we carry in that rig.
You did your best. You saved the kid.
But that doesn't count.
You know, if every driver who lost two patients in one day quit... we wouldn't have any drivers.
You go around stomping and demanding rights and responsibility.
Well, you got it.
And this is as good as it gets.
"We don't take obstetrics here."
That's what he said.
It's just... not good enough.
Because it doesn't fit your idea of life.
Because people don't suffer the way you want them to.
So what are you gonna do?
You're gonna pull a Speed and bail out because you can't live your fantasies?
How am I gonna get my coffee? Mouth-to-mouth or what?
Keep your back turned, Mother.
I got to get some clothes on.
Now then, since we're all here...
Bluntly, gentlemen... the operating records of your two companies... are, to be generous, dismal.
Granted, you're both understaffed... with insufficient equipment, forced to work long hours.
Um, Mr. Warren, my company is still young... but I feel that we are vitally important to the area.
Give us a chance to grow, to, uh, proliferate through the community.
Yeah. Like syphilis.
I should like to point out... that the counsel notes with admiration... the efforts Mr. Taylor has made to hire minorities.
Oh, yeah? Yeah? What about a woman?
Does he have a woman?
I do. She's out there somewhere.
They're right behind me.
This, uh... This is, uh, the woman... and, uh, I feel that she's worth 4 blacks... the future draft rights to 3 Chicanos... and a Chinaman to be named later, sir.
You bet she is.
We will get a woman.
I mean, as soon as we get separate bunk room facilities.
Didn't you try that one on Jugs?
Yeah. She wouldn't buy it.
These arguments are academic.
By all rights, the logical choice for the city to make... is the Unity Company.
Somebody greased him.
Why didn't you get in there and make an offer?
You can't bribe a city official with an IOU.
Well, Your Honor, I object.
All right. I object to the objection, sir.
He cannot object...
Mr. Moran, this is not a court of law.
You can't object to anything here, and you can't...
I object to this whole rotten, stinking fix.
This is still the United States of America, goddamn it.
Los Angeles, California.
Land of the free and home of the...
Rams and the Dodgers.
Gentlemen... the city council has voted freely and democratically, Mr. Fishbine... not to award the territory to either one of you.
What? No. Wait a minute.
What are you talking about?
In short, since neither company... has facilities and equipment necessary to service the entire area... the new contracts will be awarded to an existing larger company.
There must be another way, Mr. Warren. It has to be.
My men did not go through months of training... and sacrifice to themselves and their families... to be thrown out of work.
You cannot wipe that effort out with one stroke of a bureaucratic pen.
What if we merged?
Merge? I mean, become one company.
Then we'd be strong enough and large enough... to service the area.
I don't know.
Well, in my opinion... and speaking, uh, ex officio... so to speak... uh, such a company would have to operate... under a period of probation...
Accepted. to which...
Now what do you have to say to that, Fishbine?
What would we call it?
Unity. It has the right ring to it.
You know, under the circumstances.
Well, I kind of like F&B.
It's, uh, catchy. What can I tell you?
Tell me something, Fishbine... What in the hell does F&B stand for?
Fishbine and what?
Fish and bine.
Well, I couldn't call it the " F" Ambulance Company, could I?
I assume that none of you drivers has any objection to this arrangement.
I'd consider it a rare opportunity... to drive with an Afro-American on a one-to-one basis.
Well, after you, I'd sooner drive with a walleyed pygmy.
I hate to break up Brotherhood Week here, gentlemen... but I don't agree... and these men all have contracts with me.
Mr. Taylor. Yes?
Code 3 at 425 Rose Avenue.
That's 425 Rose Avenue.
What kind of a setup...
425 Rose Avenue?
Why do I know that address?
Holy shit! That's F&B!
Come on! Get rolling! Let's go!
Gentlemen, we're not through yet!
We're not through.
Come in, Mrs. Fishbine.
Come in, Mrs. Fishbine.
Where is everybody?
Uh, my friend and I are waiting, goddamn it!
Murdoch, what the hell are you doing down there?
Hey, my friend Walker and I... we came by to get his pants, right?
Somebody stole his pants.
Uhh... that's a hell of a thing to do to a guy, you know?
I mean, jeez, that's a hell of...
But especially Walker because he's sick, man.
Murdoch, you're stoned.
He needs an ambulance, man, and I came here... and there's nobody here... and I called Unity, and they wouldn't come, either.
Mother beats the shit out of me...
Walker breaks his leg... and nobody gives a damn!
They don't care! They don't care! Nobody cares!
I care. I care very deeply about your friend's pants.
No, you don't! You're lying! I do.
You don't care, Mrs. Fishbine!
I think I'm gonna end it all.
Oh, but you have so much to live for.
I know I do.
I wasn't talking about me.
I was talking about you.
How could I have done it?
How could I have done it?
How could I have missed?
I'm sorry, Mrs. Fishbine.
I didn't mean to scare you like that.
You better call the police.
We'll be there before they will.
You know something, Naomi? Hmm?
I never noticed this before, but... you're a hell of a good-looking woman, you know that?
He really is stoned.
Thank you, Dick.
My name is John.
He's got a gun!
He hasn't got the guts.
Hey, shut up!
Let's have a look.
I got him, man!
He's sure gone nuts, you know that?
The stupid thing's become a goddamn zoo.
Well, you're the one who has to clean out the cages, Speed.
Thank God. It went right through.
Hope it didn't put a hole in my door.
All right. Just relax, everyone.
Ha ha! Hey!
Walker, what the hell are you doing?
Any hostages in there?
Uh, just Mrs. Fishbine... which really doesn't give him that much to bargain with.
Let's head for Harry.
That way, your deputy will be close to a rig when he gets shot.
Hey, Albert, you got any stuff in your rig? Tony's shot.
You fellas pull your rig across the street and block it off there.
We don't want to get anybody inadvertently perpetrated.
I think we better get a SWAT team in here.
No. No SWAT. I've seen what they do to buildings on TV.
Do I make that call, Sergeant?
Why don't you go around the back, Harvey... and draw their fire for a while?
Why don't you go with them, Custer?
Hey, you from Texas?
Lubbock. Born and bred.
No shit. I'm from Amarillo.
Is that right? All right.
Hey! Hey! Hey!
I'd say this was close enough without further authorization, wouldn't you?
The way I see it... cut off from the others like we are...
I'm sort of forced to use my own initiative here.
Walker, what the hell are you doing?
Harry, the office.
If I remember right, you got it insured for about $1 .93.
Get in there, Sheriff. Somebody do something.
Our company's going up in smoke!
What are you talking about, our company?
Ha ha! Hey!
Harry, aren't you forgetting something? What?
Well, your wife's in there.
Oh, my God!
Peaches, get in there, baby!
Stamp out those flames! Go on!
Go on! Come on, Peaches!
Davey, I'm gonna phone it in.
Now let me get my rig out of there.
Don't let me down, baby! I'm with you!
What's the code for fire?
I already called it in.
Don't shoot, Murdoch!
I got him!
All cars in the vicinity of Bayshore and Royal:
Shots being fired. Code 3. Code 3. Use caution.
I got him.
Hey, fella, that's evidence.
He couldn't count to 6.
Hey, Sheriff. You guys handle this already?
What the hell happened to you?
Well, so long, kid.
You know, I'm gonna miss you, Officer.
Detective. Ah, whatever, huh?
Good luck, Harry. You, too, tiger.
I hope your wife feels better soon.
Her hospitalization here is only good for two days.
Ha ha ha!
Taylor, you want something here?
Relax. Somebody had to fill in.
So quit. You proved your point.
Oh, by the way... here's my key.
My shift ends around 8:00... and my favorite dinner is rare lamb chops with mint sauce.
There's some laundry in the closet.
Whenever you get a chance, laundromat's two blocks down La Cienega.
Well, thank goodness I don't do windows.
Fishbine and Unity.
Here's another one, man. Hmm?
Listen. Tell me, what kind of entry is this, partner?
$250 for footballs?
Who do you like in the Denver game Sunday?
10 points. 9.
You got a bet, sweetheart. You better believe it.
By the way, what do you people take in your coffee?
If you had any sense, Albert, you'd stop right there.
You know, Mother? What?
Now that it's all official...
I wouldn't mind sharing a rig with a jive-ass old dude like you.
If you clean up your act a little.
923 Woolsey Drive. Code 2.
Well, I appreciate your offer, Albert... but I already have a partner... Jugs here.
Happens to be one of the finest shotgun riders in the city.
How do you like your lamb chops?
You wouldn't happen to have a bottle of dry chablis in here, would you?
Right next to the brandy Alexanders.
Well, if you're gonna drive with me, you're gonna have to shape up.
I mean, no one wears yellow tennis shoes with red socks.
You'll shave every day... and stop calling me Jugs.
Are you deeply religious, Jugs?