Mother's Day (2016) Script

Ah, Mother's Day.

Paige, come on, honey, you have to go to school.

I love being a mother.

But what about the other 364 days of the year?

When you're trying to get your kid to school and you're surviving on very little sleep because you're up all night sewing costumes for the school play and you've still got to go to work in the morning.


It's about the never-ending driving to soccer, gymnastics, or ballet.

It's about getting your kids to look up from their computer or iPad or iPod or iPhone or whatever "I" they're looking at.

Paige, wait, honey, yourbanana, hold on, hold on!

It's okay, honey, just eat the peach.

Eat the peach, it's fine.

In other words, it's about being a...

Mom! Mom!



Wait, wait, wait... breathe, slow down, slow down, breathe, hold on.

There you go. See?

Now tell me what happened.

Peter left the top of the ant farm open.

All the ants are gone, even the big red one.

Oh, why? Why did I buy this for you guys?

I swear, I don't...

Hey, hey, hey, Peter, where did that come from?

You know no junk food for breakfast anymore.

Dad brought them. He lets us.

He also lets you go to school without any underwear.

It's called free-balling, Mom.

I swear. Where are all of these ants?

It happened in the backyard.

God. Peter, I'm not kidding. I'm counting to three.

One, two...


What? When did that stop working?

Come on, I brought a box of donuts.

It's not a federal offense, but I will take credit for the underwear.

Good morning. Hello.

Did you look this good when we were married?

No, I actually got better.

When did you get in here? I didn't even hear you come in.

Came in through the back door.

I mean, we don't want the neighbors talking, do we?

Hmm. Are you hungry?


Here, have a donut.

Your parents are divorced, right?

Oh, trust me, there's weirdness.

So, Peter, you decided to invite your friends over at 7:45 in the morning?


We're meeting here for the carpool today.

And the donuts. At my request.

All right, you little hooligans, let's go, time for school.

Load up.

Please, you cannot bring this stuff into the house anymore.

Yeah, but, uh, seriously, could we have a conversation later?

There's something important I need to talk to you about.

Sure, okay.



Hey, Jess.

I ate a whole coffee cake last night.


No, I can't. I have way too much work.

But I've got to tell you, the strangest thing just happened.


I think I just caught Henry totally checking me out, like twice.

Was it like a long stare or a gawk?

Jesse, you've got to see this!

I'm going to say like a gawk.

What does that mean?

I have no idea, but he said he wants to sit down with me later and talk about something important.

What if he wants to get back together?

What? No. No way.

I'm coming, I'm coming.

That is so not happening.

Why not'? Jesse.

You are the happiest divorced couple I've ever met.

I mean, maybe he's figured you're the one.

Max, get ready, my sister's coming.

No,no,no,no,no,no, there's no way.

That's not going to... It's been years, it's all fine and...

You don't really... Really, you think it might be?

Do you think? Here's what I'm wondering.

If you guys get remarried, does it mean the ring has to be bigger?

I'm saying yes.

Okay, you just keep thinking all of those wonderfully deep thoughts, okay?

I'll talk to you later.


Presenting our float for the Mother's Day parade.



Do you love it? What is it?

Womb. It's a womb.

Of course.

It's a womb float.

Amazing. And so, thetube?

The umbilical cord.

It's symbolic that we all come from the same place, gay, straight, transgender, black, white, purple, you know.


I love it.

You're going to kill it at the Mother's Day parade.

Seriously, they're not going to know what to do with it.

You haven't seen the best part.

Oh, look at that! I delivered a child for the second time.

Wow! It's a boy.

You've lost your mind.

I'm going to go work out. I'll be right over here.

You good?

All good, Val.

Hey, Zack.

Another week, you won't need the tray.

Another week, and you and Kristin will be doing my shift.

Hey, Val.

Hey, Kristin. Hey.

Hi. Daddy!


No, no, no, we sanitize.

I literallyjust washed my hands.

Doesn't matter.

I could always wear a hazmat suit.

I'd love that.

The baby books call that being a helicopter mom.

You know, always hovering.

Yeah, I've been called them all, and it doesn't faze me one bit.

Milk bottles for tonight.

Can you put those in the fridge for me, please?

Um, that may not work.

I just found out...

Hey, Zack, can I get two more?

Yep, on the way. Beanzie?

I got accepted into the Buckhead Standup Comedy Contest.

First round's tonight, three rounds, first prize is 5 grand.

Babe, that would take my overall earnings as a comic to, well, 5 grand.

Just getting accepted into the contest is a big deal.

Yeah, of course, I will figure something out with Katie.

Don't worry. Just go make 'em laugh.

I'm not paying you to reproduce again.

Sorry, boss.

But don't mind me, I'm just the owner.

Vicky, don't kick the ball in here.

Okay, Okay-

Thank you.

Can't believe it's already been a year.

This will be our first one without her.

I miss her.

Me, too.

Who's that?

Just a friend, wondering if I'll be at the mall today after school.

I've got to answer him.

Is this "him" your, uh, boyfriend?

Dad, stop. Please.

What? Oh, my God.

Seems like a reasonable question for a father to ask his daughter.

Hey, Vicky, you know, we should go.

We're going to be late for school, and you, don't be late for soccer practice this time.

I won't.

Mom was never late for practice.

No, she wasn't.

Can I drive?

Absolutely not.

No, look, we're all going to end up in a place like this someday.

All right? I don't want to rush it.


That was just like the old Dad, making jokes.

Yeah, I guess.

So, listen, Dad.

After I get my license, could I maybe, you know, drive Mom's Volkswagen?

No,no,no, I'm going to sell it. I told you that.

Come on, Dad. Pretty please?

It's literallyjust sitting in the garage.

Absolutely not.

Well, thanks for thinking that over. Great.

I'm Adam Freeman.

Thanks for joining me here on HSN from our headquarters in St. Petersburg, Florida.

Right now, I would like to send it over to Atlanta, Georgia, where the very lovely Miranda Collins is on her book tour.

Hello, Adam.

Hello, Atlanta.

Hello, viewers.

So, Mother's Day is getting so close, and we have these gorgeous crystal mood pendants.

It is the perfect gift for Mom.

These genuine quartz crystal mood pendants change color with your mood.

Now, wouldn't it be nice to know if your mom is happy or sad or mad?

Oh, we have just sold our 800th pendant!


Oh, God, I know that look.

You hate the float.

No, it's not the float.

It's just all this Mother's Day stuff and I start thinking about how I haven't talked to Mom.

I don't even remember what our stupid argument was about.

Oh, let me refresh your memory.

She saw a picture of you and Russell on Facebook, and even though he's a doctor, she threatened to disown you if you continue to date a man whose skin was darker than a Frappuccino.

Okay, I get it.

Look, you can always call her, not that I understand why you would want to, or Skype.

She's into that now.

Our parents have the Internet?

How do they do that with a rotary phone?

Hmm. Fancier trailer park?

Well, when are you planning on telling them about you and Max?

Never I'm engaged to an investment banker named Steven.

We have not set the date yet.

He has low sperm count and I'm in therapy.

That's my story.

Maybe if you tell them about you two first, it'll soften the blow for me.

Don't even try to piggyback your secret on my secret.

Besides, she's in Texas. We're fine.

Yeah, we're fine, just motherless this time of year.

There's a reason we moved here to Georgia.

She ruins everything, remember?

I mean, at least everything we let her.

I just feel like we don't have family.

I'm your sister. I live next door to you.

Thank you very much.


Little hot, careful.


It's really hot.

What did you want to talk about?

Sounded so important.


Oh, my God, what is it?

I, uh...

I, um...

I got married.

Eloped, actually.

Very impulsive.

You got married?


You got... To who?

To Tina.

To Tina?

Yeah, to Tina.

To Tina?

Stop saying, "To Tina."

I'm sorry, I'm so confused right now.

I mean, I thought you guys broke up so long ago.

We did.

But then there was that stripper.

Dancer, yeah.


And then, Tina and I got back together.

How does this...

Wow. You got back together.

She's the one.


Well, let's say the next one.


You know, I've always respected the agreement we've had to keep our love lives separate until they become permanent, which now it has.

Okay, so, when do we tell the boys?

Oh, I already told them on the way to school.

What? You already told them?


On the way to school, with those other children in the car?

No, I waited till those kids got out.

Oh, you did, good. That's good.

So, that was a really nice, well-thought-out moment for you guys.

That's nice. Thanks for waiting for me.

They were excited.

They know her. They really like her.



Oh, gosh, I have to, um...

I have to meet Jess at Pilates.

Sorry, I don't mean to...


I wanted to make sure you heard it from me first.

Yes, I know, I know.

Okay, well, um...


I'm happy for you.

Thank you.

Hi, Bradley. Are you going to join us on the poles today?

Uh, not today, Beth Anne, no.


We want to talk to you. Go, Jody.

Bradley, there's this new mom at school we want to set you up with.

She's recently divorced.

Not too recent.

With one of those annoyingly perfect lives-at-the-gym bodies.

But with boobs, big boobs.

I mean big boobs.

Look, ladies, I really appreciate you looking out for me like this, but I just don't think I'm ready quite yet, you know?

But when I am, I will definitely come talk to you guys.

It'd be dumb not to.

What are your plans for Mother's Day?

Oh, um...

No plans. We're not celebrating.

I've been thinking about this long and hard and believe me, I think what's best for the girls is to just skip the day altogether.

You know, just treat it like a normal Sunday, nothing special. You know?

What do you guys think about that?

Absolutely not. No. Major mistake, Bradley.

Dana would not like that. Think about the kids.

You guys, look! It's Miranda!

Am I really on with the Miranda Collins?

Am I really on with the Edith from Waukesha?

Go ahead, Edith.

Could I see the bracelet a bit closer, please?

My pleasure.

How's that, Edith?

Ooh, that's lovely. I'll take two.

And it won't cost you an arm and a leg.

Perfect. GOOd.

Nice crisp passes, guys!

My morn said your mom was lieutenant in the Marines and your dad was a Marine, too?

Yeah, he was a master sergeant.

Come on, we've got to hustle.

He sure knows how to yell.

Kick it to where they're going to be, not where they are becausetheyfl be gone from there by the time it gets there!

Leaner, come on, Rash.

Case in point!

Rachel, you've got to hustle. Come on.


Thank you, Vicky. Thank you for your help.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hey, Evelyn, what are you doing?

Are you texting? Are you?

Yeah, there's no texting in soccer, okay?

I mean, there's running and jumping, eye contact, laughing, there's even crying.

There's no texting.

Please, put that away, all right?



Thomas is watching you.

Yeah, watching me screw up, thank you.

Back to soccer!

Iguessthafs Tommy there, all right.

Let's go!

All right, go, let's go! Come on!

Here we go.


Rachel's open! Chase it down, that's it.

Hey, goal!

Nicely done.

Evelyn, please text my daughter, "Good job." Thank you.

She is online. You ready?

Yeah, I'm ready. Oh.

Take that down.

Hey, Ma, it's Gabi.

Can you read me?

GABY. Not a walkie-talkie, Mom.

I thought this Escape thing is supposed to let me see people.

I don't see diddly.

It's "Skype," not "Escape." Now just press "start video."

I did.

Try again. Click the picture of the video camera.

Well, I don't have one of them.

GABY. Yes, you do, Mom.

No, I do not have a damn picture of a video...

Okay, I did. GABY. m.

Oh, you got the crystal. I sent it early.

Didn't want to risk it being late for Mother's Day.

I know I'd never hear the end of that.

Oh, I love it.

I'm not so sure about this color-changing mumbo jumbo.

Oh, and I love that TV shopping host, Miranda.

Do you know anybody who knows her?

She's in a hotel in Atlanta.

Uh, no, I don't.

But, um, there's someone here who knows you.

I can't do it.

You don't have to do it. Where did she go?

All I see is bricks.


Hello? Uh...

Hi, Mom.


Do I know you?

It's nice to see you, too.

Finally calling to apologize after all this time.

Nope, just calling to call.

Gabi told me you're not dating that Indian fellow anymore.

Finally came to your senses.

But I'm not going to rub your face in it and say, "I told you so," but I told you so.

Okay. Where's Dad?

He's having lunch.

Hi, Dad! on!

There's my little girl, on the TV.

I'm glad to see you talking with your mama.

'Bout time you apologized.

Well, you're looking good, Dad.

No, he thinks so.

Oh, I have to say, Jess, you haven't aged that much.

Thank you.

How come you can't find a successful man like your sister did, that Steven fellow?

I mean, believe me, I love Gabi, but she looks way too much like your father to be the one to catch a man first.

Thanks, Mom.

Well, I called to say hi and I also called to tell you that no matter what's happened between us, you're always my mother.

So, I wanted to tell you about...


Hey, look, it's Mommy and Aunt Gabi.

I've got to go. I've got to go.

You want to tell me about what?

Hi, you wanna see her? Hi, guys. Hi.

And she's gone.

Well, at least she called you.

Maybe she got a date.

Hi, sweetie. Hey, bubs.

Who were you talking to?


Oh, what are you, 12?

No, it's fun.

This is so exciting, you guys!

Your first sleepover with Dad and his new person.

What do you want us to call her?

Do you want us to call her "Mom," too?

No, absolutely not.

You just call her what comes naturally, but I would say "ma'am" is good.


What's up, boys?

Hey, Henry. Yeah?

Hi, Sandy.

Hi, Tina.

Hi, boys.

Hi. Wow!

Oh, gosh, congratulations.

Thank you. Isn't it so exciting?

It's thrilling.

I thought you'd moved back to LA.

Yeah, just for a minute.

Ah. People said I should model.


But somebody convinced me to move back here.

Boys, I made cookies.

For Peter, guitars, and for Mikey, baseballs.

Thanks. Oh. Thanks, Tina.

These are great.

Yeah, come on inside.

Okay, bye, guys-

Have fun. See you tomorrow.

Bye, Sandy. Oh, um...

Tweet at me if you want to check in or anything, or check my lnstagram.

I'll post some photos when I get some cute ones.

Yeah, that's exciting. Okay.

"Tweet at me."

She just... Did she just say, "Tweet at me"? Did she?

I think she just said, "Tweet me."

I didn't hear that. Oh, Henry.

Oh, come on. I knew she was younger, but...

She's almost 30.

"She's almost 30"? In a few years.

My God.

And what is she wearing?


What do you want me to do?

Ask her to dress more dowdy?

No, just tell her to dress, put on a pair of pants.

That's not appropriate for those kids.

You can see everything's popping out.

Speaking of the kids. What?

Mother's Day.

What about Mother's Day?

I was wondering if we could take the kids for half the day since Tina is now technically...

Oh, stop.

No,no,no, don't even say it, no.

You know what I mean. No,no,no,no.

You got married five seconds ago.

Can you just... Can we just slow this down a little bit?

You're angry. It's all right.

Well, at least consider it for the boys' sake.

I just did. Okay.

You can...

She can have Flag Day, Groundhog Day, any of those days, Father's Day.

Well, I was just asking.

Yeah, I know, and you did.


I'm sorry to interrupt yourspa, but Miranda's agent, Lance Wallace, wants to see you right away.

Lance, I'm here. I'm here. Okay, okay.

Miranda okays the book-signing poster, and the essay winners are ready.

All right, now she wants to know some interior designers.

She hates the look of the show.

Well, we've gotten a few requests from some designers.

But this one I liked the best.

Her name is Sandy Newhouse. All right, why?

She lives in Atlanta.

She's designed living rooms, upscale restaurants, and a five-star hotel lobby.

All right, well, she looks smiley and happy.

Make sure she meets Miranda before we check out.

Okay, and make-up... Goal!


Hey, wait a minute. Hey!

Hey there, Messi!

This is not a stadium, it's a lobby!

No,no,no. A lobby.

These are the kids of the big shot HSN executive.

We're entertaining them this week.

Hey, mister, can I have my ball back?

There we go. All right! Soccer rules!

Soccer rules!

Are they gonna be with us all week, those kids?

Yes, they are.

Doin' it all for my baby

'Cause he's as fine as he can be Not him, it's you.

Dad, dinner's ready.

Doin' it all for my baby For everything he does for me I'm doin' it, doin' it, doin' it Doin' it, doin' it, yeah Doin' it, doin' it...

Mom loved karaoke.


Oh, yes, I certainly do.

Come on, let's eat, Dad. Come on.

Let's go.

Come on!

Okay. Okay. What are you doing?

This karaoke video is just for you, Bradley.

And to my chubbos back home, Rachel and Vicky.

I love you so much.

I'll be home before you know it.

Love you.

Love you guys-

Yeah, could you go to the supermarket for me, please?

Yeah, yeah, of course.

I can,uh“. Yeah, what, uh...

What do we need?

Uh, we need juice, eggs... Uh-huh.


Bread, of course. Yup.

Um, we need bananas and tampons. Mmm-hmm.


Uh... Um...

What was that?


Maybe that's something that can wait, you think?

Uh... No.

I'm just going to write I'll know what that means.

Okay, good. Mmm-hmm.

Okay, there you go.

Oh, I miss you guys so much.

Mom, we just saw you, like, two hours ago.

I know, I know, but I love you, and I miss you when you're not here.

So... Hey, are you guys sure you want to stay at Daddy's tonight because I could... Bye, Mom.

Okay, bye.

Me, too, I'm in.

All in. One, two, three!

9h, my gosh.

Oh, I won again. No way.

So, Mother's Day is coming and twill be spending it with my mother.

I brought her out with my most recent boyfriend and he leaves for the bathroom, not even out of earshot, and she's like, "Well, he's all right, I guess, "but is that the nose you want to see on your little girl?"

That's my time.

Thank you so much, everyone.

That was Genevieve Joy.

Once again, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Buckhead Comedy Contest with your host, former used car legend and now comedy club owner, Mr. Wally Burn.

Thank you, thank you.

AH right, this next guy coming out, he's a guy from the island across the pond that gave us colonialism, Hugh Grant and the plague.

Please put your hands together for Zack Zim.

Zack Zim, have fun!

Good evening, hey, I'm Zack, originally from Britain, now living out here in Atlanta, Georgia, with my girlfriend, my girlfriend who recently had a baby.

No, uh, don't applaud.

Um, it's not mine.

No, she is, I hope.

She's amazing. My girlfriend is American, but she is desperate for our child to have a British accent.

That's all she wants. She won't talk to our child, seriously.

I have to read to Katie every night.

AH the other kids are watching Sesame Street.

Our baby is sat down in front of Downton Abbey.

You notice I say "girlfriend," five years, we're still not married, and, boy, have I asked.

It was a struggle enough to get her to update her Facebook profile from "single. "

I was like, "Five years, we have a child together.

"Couldn't you at least make it, 'it's complicated'?"

And it makes it awkward, though, like, how do you introduce each other?

When I introduce Kristin, I introduce her as the light of my life, the song of my soul, the mother of my child. AUDIENCE: Aw...

And she introduces me as her roommate.

And a great big happy almost Mother's Day to you terrific...


Can we, um, just go back to the not married thing for a sec?

Oh, Come on, please, lam so tired.

I am so tired.

I love you, Kristin, and I do want to marry you.

But I think I don't feel like getting turned down anymore.

There's something you're not telling me, but you can.

Whatever it is, we'll get through it, if we're committed.

I don't know.

Zack, I just...

I don't know. Um...

I don't know either.

So, do you want to take a break?

What? No, never.

I just... I need a little bit more time.

I won't wait forever.

I know, I'll take it.

I'll take it. Can I have a kiss, too?

Mama wants a kiss.

Oh, thank you. Mama kiss.

Mama kiss. Mama kiss.


Hi. Hi.


Hi, hi, hi. Hi, hello.

This is my friend Kristin.

Hey, Kristin.

That's her little one, Katie.

Kristin and I met at Mommy and Me.

Oh, sweet.

So, how'd it go?

I got the interview. Great.

I don't know what's going to happen, but, you know, at least I... I'm just hoping to have something to keep my mind off of all of the...

Yeah. You know.

So, Sandy's ex-husband just got remarried...

Oh..., like, a 12-year-old.

Oh! Yeah. So...

Well, I was actually going to say carpooling and bagging lunches, but, you know, or that. Okay, I'm sorry!

I'd like to get my mind off of that.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry! No, it was just, we were on the topic of marriage and she's got cold feet, which is... Oh...

I get that. I get that.

So, that's what's happening here.

Yeah. Hi!

Yeah, we get it. But you know what?

You don't know until you give it a shot is the truth, right?


Really? Were you, like, sure? Uh-uh.

Are you ever sure?

I was sure.

You were sure? You were totally sure?

100%, going Indian all the way.

Huh. I mean, I was 100% certain I wanted kids.

Yeah, well, that, of course.

I mean, I can't imagine... Just the other stuff I don't know about.

Well, that's you guys.

I'm not the best person to be giving marital advice.

No, no, I do need to hear becauseifsthe divorce thing that scares me, because I don't know what that would be like for her and...

You don't go into a marriage thinking you're going to get a divorce.

Obviously. Nobody does.

You know, life happens and if it does, then you've got a lot more closet space...


Extra sink, no snoring, you know, a lot of positives.


You're really just doing what's best for the kids, right?

And yourself, but the kids.

By the way, your child is eating sand, if you...

Tanner, don't eat that.

There's cat poop in it.

That's so gross.

What if there is cat poop... No, he's fine.

They survive...

Cat poop. ...and then they grow up to be just like us.

Yeah, and they have a very healthy immune system.

Anyway, I'm going to go to the kids' show. Okay.

Hey, if you're going to come, will you just text me?

It was nice meeting you.

Nice to meet you. And I'll save you a seat?


Okay, or tweet at me.

Yeah, I'll text... I'll tweet...

What? Tweet you?

Yeah, see, right? That didn't sound right. Mmm-mmm.

What is that? I was just trying it out.

Okay, bye.

Kristin, what's wrong?

What happened?

Are you okay?

I love Zack, but there's a reason I'm afraid of marriage.


The truth is I have no idea who the hell I am.

That's a big one.

I was adopted.

Oh, okay.

And I never met my biological mother.

You never told me that.

Never told anyone that, only Zack.

And I've always wondered, did she just throw me away?

Or, you know, was there a reason she got rid of me?

Aw. I have abandonment issues.

Honey, I'm sure you have a million questions, but then you know what you have to do.

You have to find your mother.

I already did.

Then I'm missing the point.

I've no... What do you mean?

I mean, I have her address, I just haven't had the courage to contact her.

I'm really scared.

God, of course. That's...

Who wouldn't be? I mean, that's crazy.

You don't even know what she's going to be like.

You don't even know your mother and she has this power over you.

You're going to have to face it sooner or later.

You can do it. Really?

Yes, you should just do it. Yeah.

You're right, you're right, you're right.

Okay. Yeah, and get it over with.

You're, you know... I mean, now you'll face it.

Yeah, I'm going to do it. You're right, you're right, you're right.

I'm going to do it. I got it.

You will have it.

Thanks, Jess.

Hi, I'm Bobby Lee, principal here at Millard Fillmore Middle School.

And we're really excited about this show.

We're gonna start in a few minutes.

The kids are very excited and later, we're going to be...


...featuring the Fillmore band in concert. How about that?

What are you doing here?

I didn't think you'd mind. Here.

I kind of mind.

I had to hear Peter's riff.

We were up late last night working on it.

You were working on Peter's riff?

Yeah, I was in an all-girl band in high school.

My gosh, Peter's gotten so good.

You know, we just want to encourage his music, so we're taking the boys to the Foo Fighters concert this weekend. But...

What? Don't say anything to Peter.

It's a surprise.

And don't even get me started on Dave Grohl.

Don't tell Henry.

Okay, Tina, Tina, Tina, Tina, that's it.

I'm done. I'm done with surprises.

I really am. This week, enough surprises, seriously.

Okay, is something wrong?

Yes, something is wrong.

I got here an hour early, so I could get a front row seat, and have a perfect camera angle and watch my children.

And now you're sitting right here next to me.

Because the seat was open.

It was for my purse, my purse's seat, okay? My purse's seat is right here.

God, you cannot just show up here late and then sit there.

You just can't do that. We need...

We need boundaries.

We need some rules, Tina.


Like, sitting in an open seat?

I don't know what the rules are yet, Tina.

I don't know what they are, but I just know we have them, and you're breaking all of them. Okay.

- I've just gotta get... Ladies and gentlemen, Animals on Parade!

Old MacDonald had a farm Ee I ee I oh And on his farm he had a penguin...

What, Why?

He also had a helper, it seems.

Oh, there's Mikey. Hi, honey.

A lion! He's got a...

Oh, my God, the costume's on backwards.

He had a lion...

Did you do that?


Don't touch it, don't touch it.

Eeleeloh Yeah, that's good.

The producers have asked to push the crystals.

Traffic has slowed down.

Five, four, three, two...

Welcome back, everyone.

All right, dads and husbands, take a look at these beautiful mood pendants.

Mother's Day, just a few days away, this is your chance.

And we're clear.

We need a price check on organic cotton...

No, that's not necessary.

They are... They're 9 bucks.

They're 9 bucks each.

Cancel that price check on tampons, the organic cotton ones.


Oh, uh, yeah.

Two actually, but only one is currently, you know, becoming a woman.

Got you.

Yeah, their mom used to do this, but...

Well, I do it now.

Same boat, two sons.

How is that the same boat?

I guess just the number.

Sorry, I don't usually eavesdrop on other people's carts.

It's just... I'm Sandy, I have two sons.

I already said that.

Yes, you did.

I can take you over here. Oh, thank you.

Sandy, two sons, same boat.

Oh, thank you.

All right, well, bye.

Yeah, it was nice meeting you, Sandy with two sons.

It was two, right?


Hey, Henry, what's up?

Hey, are the boys' passports up to date?

Their passports?

I am planning our summer vacation.


Okay, where are you planning this vacation?

We're going to Paris. Tina's never been.

Paris, uh, France?


SANDY". Are you kidding me?

No, I'm not. Why?

I got to go.




So, how'd she take it?

Like a champ.

Oh, you've got to be kidding me!


Paris, Paris, Paris!


We could not get our shit together for 13 years to get to Paris.

Now he's taking Tina. Tina.

Now he's taking Tina.

It's the only place I've wanted to go since I was a kid and I read Madeline!

I don't even think she knows who the hell Madeline is!

Oh, my God, this is not happening!

This is not happening!

Oh, man, you know, you couldn't have taken her to London or to fuckin' Disneyland maybe?

I don't know, how about take her to the prom?

That's somewhere I bet she hasn't been yet.


Freaking Tina!

I'd hate to see her in traffic.


That's it.

That's it, go!

Over here!

Cross it!

That's it. Rachel's open.

There you go. That's it.

Yeah, move it!



Did not cross the line! No goal!

What? What? What are you talking about?

Go back to your coaching area!

No,no,no,no, notunfilyou reverse that call, man.

I'm warning you.

Hey, you're warning me what? Look at the crowd.

Easy, mister. I've got this, Lisa.

What? There's not many of them.

No, no, look at them.

Okay, you've got, like, five dozen different recorded versions of that play you completely missed right there.

Why don't you just walk over there and ask one of them to replay it for you, then you'll see you're wrong, we'll win the game and then you can stumble home with your seeing-eye dog.

That's it.

Yellow card!

Yellow card? Are you...

Oh, he blew another man's whistle.

Did you just blow my whistle? You're damn right.

You do not blow another man's whistle.

You do when he blows the game for you!

All right, that's it, red card!

You're gone.

I'm gone? Okay, good to know.

Okay, you know what? I'm gone.

Now your ball's gone. That's what's gone, okay?

Hey, Kimberly!

Oh, I've got to go!

You take over, okay? Yeah, you better go.

Yeah, thank you. If anybody's looking for me, I'll be out in the parking lot calling LensCrafters, making that guy an appointment!

Baby, you better go. You're going to get hurt.

Spare ball, please.


All right, you're gone.

You... A pox upon your whistle.

Play ball!


Yeah, hi. Could we get a large pizza?

What kind you want? Cheese.

Large cheese pizza and three sodas to go.

Wait over there, please.

Where'd you hear that "pox on my whistle"? What's that from?

Shakespeare. Shakespeare, huh?

William Shakespeare?

No, Bob Shakespeare.

Who else would it...

Why are you talking to me like this?

You, too, now?

I can't believe we lost.

I think that ball was deflated.

WOMAN 13 Totally.

Tom Brady is hot.

Hey, want to go get some ice cream?

As a makeup present?

Make up for what?

Acting like Mopey Dick half the time.

I'm sorry, Mopey Dick?

Yeah, being sad all the time, obsessing over soccer so you can get closer to Mom, watching those videos over and over.

She's gone, Dad, and we're all sad, but for how long?

And acting like an asshole with that ref doesn't help anyone.

Hey, watch your language.

You know what? Yeah, I cuss.

That's because I'm an unsupervised teen and while I'm at it, I don't mind taking care of Vicky and doing all the housework and the cooking.

Dad, I'm only 16, I have a life.

I know, okay?

Tommy's here. I've got to go.

Wait, where are you going? Just stop.

Is this the boy that likes you?

Hey, Rachel, what are you doing?

Go, come on.

Rachel, get out of the car.

Get out.

You're going to roll up the window on me.

Hey, wait until it stops and then get out of the car.


But my friend comes to me and she goes, "Oh, my God, Mia, I have met the perfect guy for you."

She shows me his picture, and this dude was at least 75, okay?

And I am not.

And I said, "Um, his eyes have cataracts, "mine have hope, okay?"

She is killing 'em.

She's also killing the boss.

Oh, I'm so sorry! Are you okay?

Yes, I'm fine, I'm fine.

Do you know where the pool is? I'm looking for Miranda Collins.

Yeah, it's right through that door.

But, can I help you with the rip? No, I'm...

Sorry, watch out behind you. Sorry, sorry, sorry!

Thank you. You sure I can't help with the rip?

I got a safety pin.

No, no, thank you, I'm late for a meeting.

Bigger smile. Bigger smile, yeah.

There you go. Perfect.

Have a nice day. Next.

Thank you.


No,no,no. No,no,no,no!ShooH One more.

Ma'am, these are contest winners. Only they get pictures.

I'm not... I'm actually not here for a picture.

I'm here to show Miranda this.

Fine, stay here.

But, there's actually... Hey,hey,hey!

How cute.

That's very sweet. Miranda!

I'm sorry, that's... Congratulations.

I'm not a contest winner.

Then why am I hugging you?

I'm sorry. I'm late. I'm here for the interview.

We're not doing any press today.

No. I'm not interviewing you.

She's interviewing me. You need to calm down.

I need to calm down? I'm not here for a photograph.

I'm here for a job.

Oh, you must be Sandy.

Yes, I'm Sandy!

Yes! Well, you missed the design meeting.

Miranda is a very busy person.

Oh, really? ls Miranda busy?

Well, I would have been here on time if my ex-husband hadn't married a tween, or if my doctor had called in my child's asthma medication, or if my mother-mobile went faster than 4 miles per hour on the freeway.

But I understand it. I get it. Her time is very valuable.

And she's very busy. My time is not.

My bra's on inside out.

Would you like me to help you with your bra?

No! Uh... Thank you, though.

I like your blouse.

Thank you. I just made this.


Look at me, look right here.

It's not a date. Oh, just...


That's a waste of my time.

Oh, I'm Miranda. I'm the busiest woman in the world.

Where is she, Betty?

There she is, talking to herself.

Thanks, Betty.

Excuse me, ma'am.

I'm sorry, Miss Collins would like to see you now.

She would? Yes.


Oh, shoot!


One second, one second.

Can I help you with something?

Watch yourself. Don't get stuck in there now.

Would you... Okay, sure.

I got it. I got it. Yep.

Okay? Yes, I got it.

You sure you got everything? Hello in there.

You want this back? No,no,no.

No, okay.

Uh, okay, so, I was trying to create a little bit more flow and, um...

Gosh, your head just really snapped right off there.


So, that's why I kind of rounded out these edges a little bit and openeditup.

And also, um...

How long has your son had asthma?

His whole life.

But the doctors say that they can grow out of it sometimes.

Do you have kids? No.

Career. Sure.

Keeps me busy.

Yeah, of course.

Tell me more about this tween and your ex-husband.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I'm sure I exaggerated about that a little bit.

I'm sure she's older, but I'll have a better idea once all the acne clears up.

You're funny.

You have to be more fun than she is.

I am, lam.

Well, you should hold on to that. Yeah.


Okay, I feel like I should keep pitching you my... The set, so...

No, not at all. You're hired.

That's it? Mmm-hmm.

And I dare say with this new job, you might be able to afford a slightly faster car.

Not a Maserati, but slightly faster car.

I'm so sorry for that explosion out there.

Don't be. it got our attention, didn't it?

Also a trait to hold on to.

Okay, thank you.

I'll hold on to that, and I'm funny... I've a lot to hold on to.

I know that you're very busy, Miranda, so...

One last thing.

There is one final souvenir to give away, though you were not an essay-contest winner.

Thank you. 100% gold-plated hypoallergenic bangle.

Oh. Just for you.

Oh, my gosh. This has been a great day.

Jess, our blender's broken. We're using yours.

Okay- Hey.


Where's Russell and the kids?

Oh, they're out in the garage popping the bubble wrap on the float.

It's them. You answer it.

It's your Skype.

It's your parents.

GABY. Your parents, too.

You know what?

This is something that I can do for you, is answer and talk to them.

Thank you. But I'd rather do this.

Oh, my God.


Hi, Jess.

I want to talk to you about a Mother's Day present for my old lady.


The old lady, meaning my mother?

Yeah, I've got the greatest idea in the world.


A present that's going to knock your mama plum out of her panties.


Dad, that is a really interesting visual.

What are you guys talking about?

Mom, I thought... Dad, I thought you wanted it to be a surprise?

Oh, it Will be.

Come in, door's open.


Hello? Dad?


Oh, my God! That was... What?


Yes, you have that here now.

That's crazy.



Oh, it's you GUYS-

Yeah, it is!

Oh, sweetheart.

Gabi, you're not going to believe it.

You guys are supposed to be in Texas.

I lied.

We've been driving 20 hours straight.

I thought with us making up on the Skype and all and Gabi's engagement, what a great Mother's Day surprise, a couple of days early.

Mom, Dad!

What are you guys doing here?



Hi, Daddy.

Hi, sweetheart.

Hey, listen. Uh, where's the little ladies' room?

Down the hall. I'll be right back.

I just can't take him anywhere.

Oh... Oh!

Well, I'll say, this is some kind of casa.

Thank you.

That's not good. It's not good.

You need to call Russell. Text Russell right now.


Text Russell, tell him don't leave the garage and don't let the kids get out of the garage.

Just stay in the garage.

Oh, look at that picture.

I don't like it.

I don't live here.

Uh... Oh, hello there, I'm Gabi's mom.

You must be Steven.


I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.

You're Gabi's mom?

Yes, and who are you? Oh.

Um, I'm...

I'm Max, I'm Gabi's partner.

In crime. This is her partner in crime, Max.

Well, good as new.


You got any beer?


We could always go out for a beer.

Uh, uh...

Hoegaarden, Stella...

No. Kingfisher...

It sounds like the freakin' United Nations.

Uh, no, no, I'll import some American brew from my RV.

Be right back.

Where is Steven?


Good luck. Steven is...


The one that...

Gabi's fiancé.

I'm excited to meet my future son-in-law.

Are you? Okay.

Mom, um, there is no Steven.

Max is my partner.

Your business partner?

No, um, my life partner.

Your Ii...

Uh, what...

I'm Gabi's wife.


We're wives.

No! No!

What did I miss? Oh!

A heck of an episode of The Jerry Springer Show.

Doesn't get any better than Jerry.

Hey, Jesse, why am I staying in the... Oh, hello.

And we are back from commercial. Go back.

Are you the houseboy?

No, who the hell are you?

Well, I'm Jesse's father.

Okay, that's not funny, pal, because Jesse's father and mother are in a dementia facility in Arizona, right?

Dementia, my butt.

We live in Texas.

You're going to tell me that you're Jesse's mother?

Oh, yeah.

Well, who in the Sam H. are you?

Well, lam Jesse's husband, I think.

Are we on The Jerry Springer Show right now?

Are we? Wait, wait, wait.

Jesse's not married.

Oh, oh, yes, she is.

Yes, she is, to me.

To him.

Oh, holy hell.

You've got a towel-head for a husband?

Ithoughtyou broke up with him.

Okay, FYI, towel-head, super offensive. So...

It's very offensive.

You got married and you didn't tell us?

So is Gabi and to a gay person.

What? Mom, I'm a gay person.

She is a gay person.

Sweetjumpin' Jesus.

Let's go, Flo.

There's a whole lot of life going on here that has nothing to do with us.

This isn't the surprise I was looking for.

You'll be fine and so will he.

Oh, thanks, Mom.

Just get a divorce before he gets you pregnant.


Tanner needs you, Uncle Russell.

Hey, buddy, come here.

Who are they?

Uh, this is ours. Hi.

Tannen Can you say hi?

Say hi, Grandma, hi, Grandpa.


And, uh, Charlie is my child.

That I adopted.

I came from a sperm donor. That's right.

He might have been named Steven. Mmm-hmm.

Those were your grandparents. Mmm-hmm?

And I put on a bra for this?


Look, it's black.

Oh! Now, that's the last straw.


The tire, it's flat. Oh.

Don't worry, Fluffy.

We'll get it fixed tomorrow.

The tire, maybe.

You don't need this.

Look, you told me that your parents were mentally incapacitated.

Trust me, they are.

Oh? They are, and besides, it was our first date.

Okay, who doesn't lie on their first date?

Oh, really? Well, what about our second date and 50th date and what about the, um...

Hey! Oh! The time that we had a child together?

Do you realize that you lied to me about your parents?

I lie to everybody about my parents.

Oh, that's reassuring.

I lie about my horrible life in that trailer park.

I was a freshman in high school, saving every dime that I had so that I could just get out of there.

No graduation, cap, gown, on a bus.

Good, I get it, you hate your parents.

No, I don't hate them.

They're my parents, so I love them, but...

Honey, it's not...

It's just that they're wrong about so much and they're wrong about how they treat people, they're wrong about how they honor people's differences...

You know what's the worst part, is that you lied to them about me.

Why? Because it's so terrible to be married to a towel-head!

How embarrassing for you.

Yeah, they should have called me Dr. Towel-Head.

Where are you going?





How'd I do?

Amazing. You were so good. Yeah. Yeah.

It was really... Help?

Oh, oh, sorry, sorry.

Um, I think I'm going to go to yoga.

Yeah, yeah, please.

No, yeah, a little safer, I guess.

Hey, look, I need your guys' help.


Yeah, we've got the perfect girl for you.

No, no, no, not that.

Look, um, I want to know everything you guys know about this Tommy kid.

I like his mother, Denise. I know!

She's always volunteering for school.

That's nice.

Her banana bread is nothing to write home about.

It's dry on a good day.

Okay, I don't need you talking trash about her bake sale goods.

Look, I want to know, should I let her date him?

Do you have a choice?

Where's the yoga class?

It's right over there. It starts at 10:00.


Where's he going?

Hey, what are you doing back there?

Uh... Just checking your form.

It's good. Nice job.

Buns of steel, right?

No,no,no. Yeah, I have a choice, okay? I'm her father.

Hmm. If you say no, they start rebelling, start telling lies and keeping secrets.

Sneaking out, running away.

Yeah, it could lead to meth, prostitution and possibly dating a drummer.

Okay, look, that's not helpful right now.

I want to know one thing, is he a nice boy or not a nice boy?

That's it. All redheads are nice.

I think he's a nice boy. Yeah.

He's all right.

So, what about Mother's Day?

Uh, I'll be back.

Sleep tight, Katie.

All right, finally got her down to sleep just in time for you to take her home.

Hello, I'm sensing some disappointment.

I would have heard back from the club by now.

I don't get it. I thought I killed.

I'm sure you murdered, destroyed, annihilated.

I must have been better than the girl with the banjo.

Hey, you are the most talented comic in this town.

We open in 10 minutes, people.

Sh... What are you, Shorty?

No, I'm just yelling for two. Ah.

Oh, oh...

Um, Zack, is there any way that you can watch Katie tomorrow?

I told Val that I'd take her to a doctor's appointment.

You're taking me to my doctor's appointment. Yup.

A llama? I would love... Yes.

They would love that.

Okay. Oh, sorry. You know what?

Can I call you right back? I have to call you right back.

Thank you.

Hey, Jesse! Honey, I need you to come over Saturday morning with Tanner.

Well, I'm having a small party for the kids.

Don't you think they would like a llama way more than they'd like the Foo Fighters?

I mean, come on.

Earl, I'm looking at the girls when they were younger.

Loving can hurt Loving can hurt sometimes But it's the only thing that I know

We keep this love in a photograph We made these memories for ourselves Where our eyes are never closing Hearts are never broken Time's forever frozen still

I will remember how you kissed me Under the lamppost Back on 6th street Hearing you whisper through the phone

"Wait for me to come home"

Hello, everybody! Welcome to Sandy's party!

All right!

We've got Bella the Balloon Lady, we've got Marty, the animal wrangler!

Hi! We've got Pinwheel painting faces, and a big slide!

Wow. Hi.

This is something.

Yeah, I don't know what happened.

I just called to rent Bella the Balloon Lady, and I just couldn't stop saying yes.

No, no, I like it.

Can we go see the llama?

Yeah, why don't you go.

Let me talk to Sandy.

Go to the petting zoo, honey.

Tortoises, bunnies...

Come on, Tanner.

So, you have not heard from Russell?

Not a peep, radio silence.

Oh, God. I'm so sorry.

Well, at least you have Tanner, you know?

He won't bite.

Of course, until the day that you get a divorce and then you have to have that 50/50 shared custody and then it's just, like, hell.

That's my life. Wait a second.

That's not your life, that's my life.

Indians don't really get divorced.

Tire's good.

I'm all packed.

Now, we can put a whole lot of gone between us and these, uh...

These, uh...


Hot damn!

What is it, Earl?

Someone stole my ignition fuse!

What are we going to do now?

There's a Pep Boys about a mile back.

I'm going to start walking.


Can I ride the llama?

No. How about the alpaca?

It's a fun party.

Can you open this, Sam? Yeah, we can't open...


Yeah, hey, how are you doing?

Hey, I'm doing good. You like some spaghetti?

I'm good, thanks.

You don't like any spaghetti.

Back up, Bozo.

Oh. The fireworks arrived.

So, I'm going to go check on Tanner.

Sandy, what's going on? Yeah. Hey.

Oh, lso...

I'm so sorry. I completely lost track of time.

I'm supposed to drop the boys off.

I'm so sorry. What is all this?

It's a party. For what?

For fun, on a Saturday... For fun on a Saturday, a party for fun on a Saturday.

This is completely unlike you.

What do you mean? it feels totally like me.

This is completely irresponsible.

Irresponsible? I'm irresponsible?

You can call me a lot of things, but irresponsible is not one of them.

Listen to me, when was the last time you took the kids to a dentist?


Or to go buy them, you know, school supplies or one of the gazillion things that I do?

Oh, that's right. Never

You have a parental and legal responsibility to drop the kids off at the designated time.

Today is Saturday.

We have them at noon.

You have them tomorrow on Mother's Day.

Let's go, Mikey, time to go. Do we have to?

Yes, now, we do. Where's your brother?

He's on the slide. Go get your stuff.

Peter. Let's go.

Get down here right now.

No way, I'm not leaving. Mom said we can have fun.

I don't care what your mom said. I'm in charge now.

I'm going to count to three and then I'm coming up there, one, two, three. Here I come.

I'm coming up.

Hey. Come on, Peter. Peter!

Got to catch me first.

Go get your stuff!

Hey, get your stuff.

Oh, sweetie, I wouldn't touch that if I were... That“ But I like orange.

Damn it, Peter.

Hey, we've got to go.

Oh, well, in that case, sure, you know, go ahead.

What the...


HENRY; Hello!

Hey! This thing is... God.

Welcome to the book signing, everyone.

We're here because there's so few book stores left, but there will always be books.

Thank you very much.

Who shall I make it out to?

Rory Schroeder.


Every piece ofjewelry I own is from your collection.

I love them, and so does Jerald.

But they look better on me.

Who shall I make it out to?

Your daughter.

So, tell me, why now?

Well, I just thought because she was in Atlanta, it would be a good time.

I see.

You know, you're the fourth person to say they're her daughter.

Of course, after Forbes listed Miranda as the top 50 female entrepreneurs in this country, how convenient.

I have this.

Anybody could have forged this and even if it's real, you're not going to get a dime out of her.

Okay, this was a mistake. I...

Could you please just let her know that I never wanted anything from her?

Well, that was historic.

That was a historic disaster.


I mean, this is all so stupid.

This is so stupid.

Look at all this. What am I doing?

I mean, you know...

Ugh, I feel like such an idiot.

So, what I'm basically doing is I'm trying to compete with my ex-husband and a 20-year-old.

Thatjust makes a lot of sense, right, Jess?

It's stupid.

You know what it is?

I just... I just hate feeling so replaceable.

Well, sadly we all are.

Oh, geez, you scared the crap out of me.

I mean, we're all replaceable.

For every professional clown, there's 100 hacks with a red nose and a wig waiting to do the job.

Yeah, I understand. Thanks, clown.


There's no way that the bond you have with your kids can ever be broken.

I mean, there's no contest, right?

You're their mom. Mmm-hmm.

Oh, let me help.


Thank... Okay.

Yeah? See?

It's this, I get it, never-ending scarf bit.

Yeah, it's the first time you got to use this one today, huh?


Got a smile from you. That's great.

Do you mind if I rub...

Please. Thank you very much.

It's always the traditional things that work, the bottomless sleeve hanky, the bottomless cup of coffee, the bottomless love from a mother to her kids.

They know it's there. Sometimes they just take it for granted.


So what if the other girl is 20, has great skin and probably looks insane in a bikini?

Okay, that's good, I get it.

Nice pep talk there, clown.

Thank you, clown.

Never thought I'd ever hear myself say that, but thank you, clown.

My pleasure.


A heart-to-heart with a clown.

There was not a soul to see that.

He could have murdered me. Okay.

Jesse, you home?

Hey, I'm getting a beer!

Hello. Who are you?

Well, who are you?

Sonia, mother of Russell.

Yeah, well, I'm Florence, mother of Jesse.

Florence, nice to meet you!

Ugh, I heard about your surprise drop-in.

Are you okay?

I think so.

I'm not real sure.

Are you having a beer?


I think I'll join you.

To say the truth, when Russell told me he was in love with a white girl, I wanted to punch a wall.

Well, at least you knew about it.

And then they eloped and they didn't even invite me to the wedding.

They didn't even tell me.

Yeah, well, I'm double spitting just thinking about it.

Thought I was finished with them, but they're my baby girls.

But, Florence, have you seen our grandchild? Oh...

I get why they call him Tanner.

He's a little dark.

I think he's a little light.

Hey, what time is it in India?

India? Who knows.

I live here in Las Vegas.

No taxes, and I play the slots anytime I want.

Hey, smart move.

Plus, you can drive 20 miles in any direction and find some sand when you get homesick, right?

I don't get that joke, but it sounds racist, and funny.

Hi, Grandma!


Could you watch Tanner a minute? I have to go pee.

Thank you.

Here we go!

I think you look a little like me.


Yes, you do.

I think you do.

You look just like me in the summertime.

Lakens, thank you so much for coming.

We'll see you next time.

Well, everything looks good here.

Will you be joining us for tomorrow's Mother's Day brunch?

No, I'm working. Oh...

Are you a mom?


I don't suppose you'd like a complimentary mum for Mum's Day?


If you need anything, just ask.

I'm sorry to interrupt your dinner, my dear.

Fried green tomatoes.

Lance, you're my agent and I love you, which is an oxymoron, but if you are here for some philosophical chat, short, short would be good here.

Yes, you know me as Lance Wallace, agent to the stars.

You used to have big stars.

Now you just have me.


But you really know I was born in the Bronx and my name was Ramone Navarro, who collected empty soda bottles to get money to eat.

We are who the world thinks we are and sometimes, we're not.

We decide who we are, when we want and who we want to know.

Or is it whom?

Are you done, Ramona'?

Just doing my job, to make sure that nothing lowers the kilowatts on that smile.


Oh, you're right, you're right, that is the salad fork.

Hey, change of plan.

I got the call.

One of the girls had to pull out.

She got a comedy series for NBC.

It'll probably be canceled, but anyway, I'm in the final tonight.

Where are you?

I've got Katie.

She's fine.


Good stuff. Okay, next up.

Good night.


I shouldn't be watching this.

Good night.

Good night. Yeah, yeah, good night.

Good night.

I'm home.

Well, how...

Good night.

You used to say good night.

It'd take you hours to say good night, actually.

Hey, honey, where are you?

I'm getting worried.

If you're thinking of splitting, please don't.

Let's just keep loving each other and Katie.

I don't want to marry you.

I mean, I do want to marry you, but we don't have to get married.

If you get this, please come to the club.

I love you.

This competition is worth $5,000.

Zack Zim, you're in the finals, by default.

Good for you. Aw...

That is the most adorable baby I've ever seen.

Would you be able to watch her while I do my set?


Welcome to the stage, Zack Zim.

Zack Zim, he's very... Oh, that's you.

All right, go on out there, kid.

Come on, I'm rooting for you. I'll be out in front.




So, I'm Zack.

Uh, this is Katie.

Say hi.

She's a bit shy.

I'll just say this from the get-go, this wasn't planned.

Coming out here with her wasn't planned, not she wasn't planned, although to be fair, you were a little bit of a surprise.

Didn't like that joke.


So, does anyone in here have a baby?

No, obviously you don't.

You're here having a life.

No, don't cry, stop crying.

Five grand at stake.

Mate, would you mind holding her for a sec?

What's your name, pal?


Tiny, if you don't mind me saying, you look like you have a very welcoming bosom.

May I rest my child on it?


Just for a sec, thank you.

I mean, I don't know whether to be pleased or just deeply offended.

How did you do that?

I'm soft, like a couch.

Please, will you come and live with us?

I'm deadly serious.

I haven't slept in a year.

I'll take the couch.

My girlfriend's very attractive.

Can your girlfriend take the couch?

Oh, my girlfriend, yes.

That's my sister.

Hey, can everyone please give it up for the world's biggest nanny?

Well done.

Thank you. I'll take her back.


Thank you. Call me.


You know, being a dad does change you.

I worry all the time.

Do I know when she's tired?

Not really.

When she's about to be sick?

Definitely not.

This is the last good shirt that I own.

But her mother knows, because in every atom of their body, they know what's right for their children and for their families.

Anyway, speaking of parents, I better get this one back to hers.

Hey! thank you very much.

I've been Zack Zim, and this has been Katie.

Aw, what a cute baby.

I love babies.

We can have one if you want.

It's our first date.

So, what are you doing tomorrow?

Shut up.

I was freaking out.

I thought you bailed. Where were you?

I'm sorry, you know, usual stuff, meeting my real mom.

Your mom, what?

Yeah, it was awful.


Just really made me appreciate what I have. Totally.

You're the best.

We have a unanimous winner.

Katie Zim.

Oh, and that guy with her. Come on up.

Oh, my God. Wait, wait, wait, take her.

She won, you just held her props, really.

So, wait, your actual mother?

Just go get it. Go, go, go, go, go.


Zack Zim!

Yeah, we each got our babies.

Happy Mother's Day! Happy Mother's Day!

What? Oh, my God.

You guys... You guys are the cutest.

The banana was my idea, you know, to stay healthy.

It's perfect. I love it.

Are those M&M pancakes?

Yeah. Oh, boy.

Open my gift.

Okay, okay, okay-


That's the coolest potato man ever, period, end of story.

That's awesome.

"Thanks for all that you do.

"We appreciate you.

"Happy Mother's Day, Tina."

You gave her the wrong gift, you dork.

Oops, sorry, Mom.

Oh, that's okay. That's okay.

I love you, Mom.

Thank you. I love you. This one's for you.

Okay, Okay-

This is better than the first one.

It's even better.

That's sweet.

I love him. Thank you so much.

This is for you.


Did you get a card for Tina, too?

Yeah, but a totally different one.

I can throw Tina's away if you want.


No,no,no,no, I don't want you to do that.

But you're so sad.

Oh, okay, listen, here, take this over there for a second.

Get in here.

Get in here.

Vicky, Rachel, where are you guys?

Come on, let's wake up, have a little breakfast, huh?

Guys, don't make me come up there.

It's too late.

Come on, let's go, up and at 'em.


Hey, Vicky!

Rachel, where are you?

Hey, Kimberly, I can't talk right now.

I don't know where my girls are.

The girls are with me.

What are you talking about, where?

I love you so much, and, you know, it's just... It's hard to share, you know?

Sort of like how you feel about your LEGO pirate ship.

You know how you didn't want anyone to touch it?

Yeah, well, that's kind of how I feel.

But you remember how good you felt when you saw how happy Nick was when he was able to walk Peg Leg down the plank?


Yeah, that's because it's really, really good to share.

It's really good.

In fact, as I say this, you know what, I think I'm going to take you over to Daddy's a little later on today, okay?

So you can give Tina her awesome potato man.

You're really going to share?


Yep, I'm going to share, for an hour.

An hour, maybe two. I'll see how I feel.

How do you feel about that?

Yeah. Yeah?

We're gonna grab some lunch and we'll see you at the parade.

Have fun.

Bye, Max.

Were you summoned, too?

Yep, just wondering if I'm going to get an opportunity to have a last meal.


I mean, they can't ground us anymore, can they?

You lied to your mother.

Mom made me live alone in college

'cause she didn't want me to have a minority roommate.

Yeah, and she spanked me when I said I wanted to dress up like a guy for Halloween.

I didn't think Liberace was an appropriate costume for a little girl.

Do they know we're coming?

Yeah, I called Daddy earlier.

I'll pick you up tonight, just before dinner, okay?

Bye, Mom. Bye, I love you.

Have fun.

I'm so happy to see you.

Hi, hi.

What's that?

For me? Oh, my gosh.

A surprise. Thank you so much.

Thank you.

Happy Mother's Day.

We love you.

Russell, it's Jesse.

I'm leaving to go live with my parents for a while and I'm taking Tanner with me. Bye.

Wait, wait, wait, hold on, hold on!

Hey, hold on, wait, hold on, I'm coming!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, wait, hold on, hold on, wait a minute, let me in, stop, stop, stop, hold on, hold on!

Waita minute!

Where's Tanner?

Relax, he's with Max and Charlie.

Nice robe.

We just said it to get you in here.

Oh, great, another lie.

Yeah, is this your new thing now? Bye.

Russell, we would like to thank you for coming.

Mom? You're in on this?

Maybe if you would call me more often, you would know me better.

Russell, I know I make jokes about Jesse, but I love her.

So, Flo and I thought you two should kiss and make up.

No,no,because she's a liar.

She's a lying, lying liar, okay?

And besides, scaring me to get me in here is not a good way to start a conversation, okay?

Have fun. I'm leaving.

Not unless you're going to jump.

Dad, what are you doing? Slow down!

Oh, come on.

Where are we going?

All right, this is crazy, all right?

She lied about everything. You know what?

If I was your parents, I would have been home by now.

If this sucker hadn't had all those repairs, we would have been.

Actually, that would be my fault.

H ow?

I kind of told Charlie to mess with the engine so Grandma and Grandpa couldn't get home.

The flat tire was just bad luck, or good.

You did that for us?

Forget that.

I'm impressed that he knew so much about engines.

Yeah, he really does.

Honey, please forgive me.

I promise, I will never, ever lie to you, ever again.

I just... I cross my heart.

You promise? Promise.

Okay, I forgive you. You do?

No, I'm lying. You see how that feels?

Uh, sorry to interrupt your moment, but this ain't good.


The brakes are out and we're going pretty damn fast.

I swear, Charlie did not mess with the brakes.

No, no, I was supposed to get them fixed, but I took the money and I spent it at the dog track!

Look out for the garbage.

Hey, what is happening?

Where did everybody go?

Jesse, stay down.

Stay under me!

Hey, that's Grandma's house.

So it is. Let's check it out.

They made a womb float for Mother's Day?

I can't wait to see what they do for Father's Day.

Hello, Marvin, you got a two-vehicle pursuit.

One is an RV from Texas and the other one is big and pink.

Slow down!

Oh, my gosh. Okay, we're in pursuit.


Earl, Jesse, Gabi, I love you! Russell?


Nice to meet you.

We're going to hit real hard.



Well, uh, that wasn't so hard, now, was it?

Everybody all right?

What the hell happened?

Nothing. I lied.

The brakes were fixed.

The fear of death brings everyone closer together.

Welcome, welcome to my family.

Everybody out of the vehicle.

Let's go.

Okay, we're coming. Hi.

Out of the vehicle.

Get your hands up where we can see them.

You guys OKHY?

Hello, officers, how are you doing?

Mom, just put your hands up.

Spread your legs.

Anybody else?

Hi, it's just me.

Get on the ground.

On the ground!

Get on the ground!

On the ground!

Sir, that is my husband!

Officer, I don't really appreciate how you're treating my son-in-law.

Wait, it's okay, you guys, this is my doctor.

He fixed my knee.

Hi, Dr. Kohli.

Hey, Danielle.

Finally, somebody stands up.

Oh, boy, you okay, Russell?

Yeah, I'm all right. All right.

Well, I neverthought I'd have to say this in the line of duty, but who's got the registration for the vagina?

We do. But we already missed the parade.

There's a parade of vaginas?

Yup, there sure was.

Well, that's okay.

Now we can have a real family picnic together.

Love you, too, Mom. Happy Mother's Day.

Did she just kiss me?

We missed the parade, but we're gonna have a picnic!

I'm proud of you, Earl.

Oh, thank you, Fluffy.

Thanks for taking us, Kimberly.

Oh, and for brunch, too.

I bet my dad's going to kill you.

Please, I can handle him.

I am a pole dancer.

Bring it on!

Wow. I think your daddy used his veteran's discount at ProFlowers.


Dad, what is all this?

Oh, this is everything they had left at the flower shop.

Okay, but why is it here?

I thought it was about time we started celebrating Mother's Day.

I better go find my babies.

And for my first surprise, for the youngest, Vicky, voila'.

Oh. Whoa.

A karaoke machine!

That's right, yes.

Young lady, that's for you.

But these are... These are Mom's car keys.

Yeah, I sold the car anyway, but figured you'd want the keys.

Kidding, you get the car, too.

Oh, my God, thank you.

You're very welcome.

Thank you.

Look at this place.


Dad, did you invite him?


No, I hired him to run the punch bowl.

Okay. Yeah.

I'm going to go get some punch.

All right.

Hey- Hey Thanks for coming on such short notice.

I'm so proud of you. Thank you.

I am. Thank you.

Hi. Hey, neighbor.

Hey. Hi, I'm Lexy.


Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you as well.

Um, yeah, well, please help yourself to the punch and smell the flowers. Go nuts.

That's the sexy mom we were telling you about.

Oh, that makes sense, okay,yeah.

Well, that might be a little too much for me right now, you know?

Fair enough. Mmm-hmm.

I'm going to keep trying, though.

No, please do. That's a great start.



Do you know what it is?


It's a karaoke machine.

That's cool. What's that button do?

That's an echo, so it makes it sound like...

My God, you people on steroids?

Wait, hello, Tina?

It's me- I really need your help right now. What?

I don't know what to do. Wait, Tina, slow down. What's wrong?

What's wrong? It's Mikey.

He can't breathe.

Okay, that's his asthma.

No, I know, Henry warned me that it's bad this time of year and there's a lot of ragweed.

Where's his inhaler?

It's here, but it's empty and I can't find the backup.

Where's Henry?

He's at the store and he's not answering.

All right, just take him to the freezer.

He's not hungry.

I know he's not hungry.

It's just that breathing in the cold air really helps him, sojust go, g0, 90, 9°-

Let's go the freezer, okay? You're going to be okay.

You're going to be fine. Yeah, just breathe this in.

Okay, all right.

Oh, my gosh, Sandy, lam so scared.

I know, I know.

Listen, I keep a spare inhaler in his backpack.

Okay, yep. I got it. I'll put you on speaker.

Okay, where?

Okay. There are four pockets.

It's in the one that has the rat on it.

There's no zipper on the rat.

It's on the side of the rat!

It's on the side of the rat, sorry.

It's all right, I got you.

I got you. Come here, buddy.

Here you go. Come on, come on. I got you.

I want Mommy.

Okay, Mommy's coming, honey. You're okay.

Daddy's going to make you feel all better, you know that.

Okay, give him three puffs and then give him three more in 30 minutes if he needs it, okay?

I don't like his color. I'm going to take him to the ER.

All right, then go. Just go, go and I'll meet you there.

Get his stuff.

Hey, 0.1, hit it-.

Here we go.

All right! Stop whatcha doin'

'Cause I'm about to ruin The image and the style that ya used to I look funny, right?

But, yo, I'm makin' money, see?

So, yo world I hope you're ready for me My name is Humpty Pronounced with a "umpty"

Yo, moms Oh, how I like to love thee And all the fathers in the Top 10 Please allow me to bump thee I'm steppin' tall, y'all And just like Humpty Dumpty You're gonna fall when the stereos pump me I'm still rockin' these pink pants And I even got my own dance The Humpty Dance is your chance to do the hump That's right, folks, help me out.

- Do me, baby! Do the Humpty hump Girls, get up here. Dance with your old man. Come on.

ALL". Do the Humpty hump Watch me do the Humpty hump Yeah, yeah. Uh!

ALL". Do the Humpty hump Watch me...

Where'd he g0?


Are you okay, Dad?

Yeah, I'm okay, Vicky.

Rachel, how does my leg look?

Great, Dad.

What about my right leg?

Someone call 911.

See what happens when you let white boys rap?

There you go, folks.

Happy Mother's Day.

Don't move, Dad. I'm coming down.

Rach, it might be time to practice driving to the hospital.

Got it.

Ihopeifs okay that I'm here.

I knew it was you the moment I saw you.

We were 16 and in love.

What, puppy love?

No, true love, epic, "plan your whole life around it" kind of love, and then there was you.

His family moved to another city the day we gave them the news and my parents pulled me out of school for a year.

My mother never really looked at me the same again.

Forever disappointed, I think.

It was never even a consideration if I would get to keep you, actually.

She said she found a nice family that lived in Hawaii.

They weren't nice. They were wonderful.

I know they've passed. I'm sorry.

My parents are gone, too.

It's just you and me.

Part of the deal was that they would send me a picture of you every year so that I could just see that you were okay.

Wow. What?

I don't understand.

Why didn't you ever contact me?

That was the other part of the deal.

So, I lost my true love and you, and I didn't want to replace that, so I went for a career and that is what I have.

What is that?

That's your granddaughter.

That's my boyfriend, Zack.

Katie, I want you to meet someone special.

This is Katie.

Katie, do you want to meet someone?


That's your grandma.


Hey, how is he? He's good.

He's back to his normal self. Oh, thank God.

They're supposed to be bringing him out. I'm going to go check.

Thank God. Oh, good.


Hi. You okay? Hi.


Sandy, I am so sorry. Yeah.

I don't know what happened to his inhaler.

That's why we have a backup.

Your middle name is now backup.

Okay. I just... I really panicked.

I know.

How do you stay so calm?

Well, Tina, it just takes time.

It's time. I mean, Peter's...

Thirteen. How old?

How old are you? Thirteen.

Thirteen. It takes 13 years, you know?

So, just give yourself a break.

Otherwise, you're going to really wear yourself down and it's going to piss me off.

Make that one of your rules. That's good.

Whose child is this?


On, baby, m.

Mommy, can I have some candy, please? Oh...

Sly move.

I told you you'd be okay.

All right, I'm going to get you some candy and maybe one for myself.

Hold this, please.

Now, since it's Mother's Day and I am a mother, I'd like to introduce a very special guest, my daughter, Kristin.

She has something very special she would like to say.

Father of my child, light of my life,

Zack, will you marry me?

And because I made you wait so long, I'd like to do it today, while my mother's still here.

Well, will you?



The show's pre-taped.

Will you?

Well, you know, I'm going to have to think it over.


Okay, I did.


I love you. I love you, too.


Oh, I think it's time.

Gotta go. Oh...

Where's my purse? Where are the keys?

Good luck, you guys.

Time for a wedding. Where's Shorty? Shorty?


You're Shorty? Yeah.

Should have guessed.

Okay, listen, Miranda wants to throw a big expensive wedding at the best hotel, but Kristin wants to get married here becausethafs where they first met.

Great, and we'll do our best to make it expensive.

Well, thank you for that.

Who's going to perform the ceremony?

I'm officiating.

You got a license?

Of course, from the online church of Idaho.

Can we do this now?

Wow. We're gonna make a buck.

Paging Dr. Freeman and Dr. Sheehan.

Please report to the nurse's station.

Come on.

Are you kidding me?

This is what's going to happen today?

All right, okay.

God! Oh, no, no, no, no.

Oh, God.


You know what? Guys, let's go this way.

Let's not get involved. Come on, here we go.


Hey, tampon man.

Right? Remember at the...

Hey. Hi.

Hi there. Um...

We were... Yes.

Yeah, of course, hi.

It's actually Bradley.

Oh,Bradley. Yeah.

These are my daughters. This is Rachel, and this is Vicky.

Hi. Hi.

This is... Sandy.

With two sons. Yes, that's right.


You all right? You know what? No.

I'm kind of in a little bit of a situation.

Okay. I got you. It's so silly.

Girls, do me a favor, why don't you run and go find and see if someone has a key for this?

There's, like, a security guard up front I'm sure. it probably looks kind of suspicious.

Are you wondering how I got into this predicament? Mmm.

No, I'm not really.

You see what happens every time... Uh-huh.

...I try to get up? It's caught on something.

It's not coming down any further, all right, well, let me see what I can do there.

Pull your wrist over this way. Ow! Careful.


It's a Miranda Collins bracelet, just, you know. Oh...

What did you do to your leg?

Another hip-hop-related casualty is all.

Hip hop? Yeah. What about you?

Why are you here? Are you in the psychiatric wing?

No. My son had an asthma attack.

Oh, I'm sorry about that. Is he okay?

Yeah, he's all back to normal, so I'm getting him this candy.

I got you, we'll get it.

Oh, bend it, bend it.

Here, I'm going to pull it down. There.


Whoa. Awesome. Ta-da.

Wait. You're free.

Get that thing down here.

This thing? Get that Skittle.

That's why I did it in the first place.

Don't. This is what's going to happen.

Hey, all right. Yeah.

That's amazing. Nicely done.

Get it.

Wait. Oh, you know what, while we're in here...

Okay, but if anybody catches us, we'll say you're stealing candy for sick kids.

Thank you so much. Yeah.

I owe you one.

No, random act of kindness.

Well, thank you.

Do you need a ride?

No, we have a car.

Yeah. Of course, of course. Yeah.

And l...

What am I thinking? I've got my kids, my ex-husband, his new wife. Oh...

It's a carful. Wow.

Yeah, I'm divorced, too.

Oh, um...

Actually, my wife passed away, so...


Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry.

Oh, that must make today so hard. It's okay.

It's starting to be okay.

Thank you.

Dad, we looked everywhere. We couldn't...

No,no,no. We're good, actually.

She's free. Free.

Emancipated. Yeah. We're good. Yup.

Yeah. Um... So...

Well, hey, I will see you around, I guess.

That would be nice.

Wait, my dad owns a fitness gym.

Give her your card. You should totally stop by, you know, try a yoga class or pole dancing even. Mmm.

It helps you get in touch with your body.

Mmm-hmm. I've heard.

It is?

I go to this gym-


I just signed up, like, a couple weeks ago.

How have I not seen you?

I've never seen you there.

I know, how have I never seen you there?

That's weird. That's so weird.

All right, well, great, so maybe I'll see you there sometime.

Thanks. Yeah, thank you.

Go here. Like that? No, this?

Go up.

Oh, no, that's terrible. I love it.

All right. Let's eat, guys.

Let's eat, Mom.

Mom! Whoa!

Mom, you didn't tell me you were coming.

Surprise. Oh.

I didn't know you were coming.

Beta, I need money to tip the Ubber driver.

Okay, it's Uber.

I came to see you.

How did you know we were even here?

I'm a mother. Mmm...

Flo, it's so good to see you. Oh, my goodness.

We did it.


Oh. Oh!

Wow! You look really nice.

Are you ready?

I am ready.

Oh, but, um, I think I'll need someone to hold Katie.

It would be my honor.

Okay, you ready?

Come to Grandma.

Oh. Ooh, sticky.

They're always sticky. Ugh.

I mean...


All right, there we go.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

A little higher. Don't drop her.

Little bit higher. Yup, perfect. Got it.

Got it. Okay.

Should we start without you?

Oh, no, we're good to go. Thanks, Dominic.


All right, let's go.

Ma, how long are you staying?

We'll see.

Earl and I may stay awhile, too.

They have a big house.

Sorry that took so long. Here, honey.

Just let me finish these release papers and you'll be on your way.

Thanks, you've been very helpful.

Well, that was one of our more eventful Mother's Days.

I mean, to be honest, I really prefer the really boring, sweet, burnt pancakes in bed, you know what I mean?

I'm sorry about yesterday.

That party was really stupid.

I can't believe you had a llama.

I can't believe I had a llama.

And an alpaca.

Hey, kids, what do you say we go to IHOP for dinner?

Yeah! Breakfast for dinner.


Your mom and I just have to wait for this paperwork.

We'll be a few minutes.

Yeah, we'll just wait in the car.

Okay, come on, boys. Come on.

Hey, Sandy.

Hey,Sandy with two sons!

So, who's Captain Pink Pants?


Uh, first of all, they're salmon.

Oh, is that what those were? And they're cute.

Anyone I should know about?

Oh, trust me, I'll shock you when it's permanent.

Yeah, and does he know how you hate beards? Oh...

You know what, I think it's actually quite sexy on him.


And we're back to normal.


Uh-oh. Whoo!

This is just how I pictured it.

Can we vow this up, please?

We got people waiting for tables.

Oh... on.

All right.

We are gathered here to unite these two souls.

Who is giving this young lady away?

I do, but I'm going to hold onto this one a little longer.

Zack, do you take... I do.

Before she changes her mind.

And do you, Kristin?

I do, and I won't be changing my mind.

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

If you don't kiss her, I will.

I'm very calm right now.

I see that. I'm very happy.

That's very nice. Let's take a picture of that.

Hold it high so we both look skinny.

It's nothing. I'm fine.

I know, it's fine. Don't worry about it.

It's not scary, okay? Scary.

It's not scary.

Isn't that obvious?

Man down.

Come on, come on, come on! Seriously? All right.

Hey. This is not a stadium, it's a lobby.

Yeah, your hat, Hector! Put on your hat.


All right, this is not... This is the wrong borough.

I'm from Manhattan. The other one.

Excuse me. I'm sorry.

Okay, we're ready.

How's this going? This is going to work very well.

Okay. This is not a stadium, this is a lobby.

You were not an essay-contest winner.

But I do have this 100% hypoallergenic right-side out bra, for you to wear home since you're exposed on that side. Oh, that's so kind of you.

Thank you. Pop that on. Gold plated.

Is this yours? Well...

It's one really...long train.


I need to shave my legs again quickly.

Hold him still. Okay.

He's moving.

Tanner, no, no, no, no, not on her bag!

It's, like, the fourth time he's done this.

Enough with the surprises, Sandy.

Sandy? I'm Sandy.

Oh, no, no, no. I'm not here for a picture.

I'm here... I'm here to show Julia.


Sweetie, sweetie, your banana. Sorry, your banana.



Oh, it's connected to a string.

What? This is a big joke.

Maybe it's dental floss. New thing dentists are doing.

Happy Mother's Day!

Went actually very well. She's so good!

Yay. Go again.