Moving (1988) Script

ah...


oh, no! I don't believe it!


Oh, my God, Monica.

It's Frank Crawford.

The man's got maybe 30 square feet of lawn, right?

He's on a lawn tractor!

I believe you.

Lawn tractor.

Come back to bed.

I can't sleep!

The noise!

I mean, listen to that thing!

It sounds like a 20-ton jackhammer!

Well, then go downstairs and tell him to stop.

That's the neighbor from hell.

He was in the marines for 15 years.

You saw the movie Rambo.

We gotta consider the Rambo factor here.

Arlo, why don't you go downstairs and talk to him or, better yet, come back to bed.

You shouldn't just stand there getting yourself all worked up.

You know what happens. Your nose starts bleeding.

My nose bled once.

Once!

For 5 days.

Shit!

Arlo: They're called rocket launchers.

Mm-hmm. How many you want?

Oh, I want a dozen of 'em.

Boy: Ok.

I knew I could count on you.

Monica: Marshall? Yes?

It's your turn to feed flipper.

Come on.

Ok.

Wait a minute. There's Whitney Houston!

Daddy, please.

Well, I didn't believe it.

It was Whitney Houston.

Hi, mom.

Hi, sweetheart.

I can have the car today, right?

Wrong. You may not.

You know, I really would like to know what the use of having a license is if I can't drive.

Girlfriend, I need my car today.

Ok? I have my art class, and then I have choir rehearsal.

Dad, how about you?

Can I borrow your car and you take the bus to work?

Um, let me get this right.

You take my $24,000 brand-new saab, and I take the bus. Is that your plan?

Yeah. Can I?

Mmm. I have to mull that over.

I think not.

Daddy.

You know, Natalie townsend has her own car.

Then your problem's solved.

You ride to school with Natalie townsend.

That's not funny.

You know, you're treating me like a child.

Well, I wonder why.

Ok. Just wait till I'm 18, and I'm gone.

You're gonna be out of my pocket?

Great!

I'm going. Mmm.

See you guys!

Boys: Bye. Bye, sweetie.

Good morning, Mr. pear.

Good morning, Victor.

Take care of my baby.

You bet.

I'll help you with that, ma'am.

Oh, why, thank you.

You hold this for me.

Yes.

Thanks.

Hunh!

Excuse me.

You work out?

No. I used to.

Well, you gotta keep at it.

No pain, no gain.

Oh, really?

I have a different motto.

No pain...

Sounds good to me.

Well, this is me.

Me, too.

Oh.

You work here?

Starting today.

Huh. Welcome aboard.

Arlo pear.

Oh, Helen fredericks.

Listen, why don't you just leave that with the receptionist, and I'll pick it up later.

Ok. I'll do that.

Arlo: I do all our mass transit stuff, you know, bus lines, subway, stuff like that?

It's a battle to the death-- me versus gridlock.

Helen: Sounds very exciting.

Oh, it is. Good morning.

How ya doin'? Morning, John.

John: Hi.

You're gonna like it here. Everybody's real nice.

Well, this is where I live.

Feel free to stop by anytime.

Woman: Poor guy. He doesn't know yet.

Helen: Oh...

Arlo, arlo, relax.

Now, this isn't easy for me, either.

Who's the woman?

Name's Helen. Helen fredericks.

She, uh, works with Jansen.

So, the merger went through.

Yeah, the merger went through.

We signed the deal Friday night.

Congratulations!

You got a bulb burnt out here, Roy.

Arlo, listen...

With a merger like this, there are always certain...

Changes.

Don't bullshit me.

Roy, if you're gonna let me go, just tell me.

Arlo, I'm sorry.

So, that's it?

After 15 years?

Arlo, listen, this is, uh-- this is my home number, huh?

Why don't you call me if you need a little-- any assistance, anything.

Fuck you, Roy!

After 15 years!

Fuck you!

The wrong finger.

I gave the man the wrong finger!

Sweetheart, it's all right!

No, it's not. I stood in his face for 10 minutes arguing and held up my index finger.

The wrong finger!

Arlo, sit down.

Listen to me. Don't torture yourself.

Ok? We'll be fine.

You are a terrific transportation engineer, one of the best in the country.

Now, tomorrow morning, we'll put a new résumé together, and by the end of the week, you'll have your choice of jobs. You'll see.

I gave him the wrong finger!

I said on the porch!

Is this a porch?

Huh? Does it look like a porch to you?

It looks like a shrub to me!

Now pay attention!

Shrub!

Green, leafy!

Shrub!

Porch!

Flat, concrete, hard, brick!

Porch!

Shrub!

Porch!

You got it now, soldier?! Huh?

Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.

Hey!

What are you starin' at?

Get in the house, boys.

Come on. Don't make eye contact.

Is your old man still lookin' for a job?

Tell him we could use a good paperboy around here!

This kid ain't cuttin' it!

I'm calling about the ginsu knives.

Arlo pear.

P...E...A...R.

He won't remember me.

Sure he will.

He danced with you 3 times that night.

But, Natalie, he's different.

I mean, look at him.

Will you shut up and get in there?

Come on, move your feet. Left, right.

That's it. It's called walking.

No problem. You got it.

Hi. Can I help you?

I'm just looking.

Hey, we met at the party.

Party?

Right. At Duane's house. I'm Kevin.

Oh, yeah, right.

I thought I'd never find you again.

Really?

I wanted to call you, but I didn't know your number.

Well, it's in the book.

I didn't know your name.

Well, that's in the book, too.

How about puttin' it in this book?

Ok.

Ok. Bye.

Bye.

So, what happened? Come on.

We're going out Friday night!

Oh, Casey, that's great!

I know, and he has his own apartment.

Oh, that's even better.

Yes, and he goes to fairleigh Dickinson, and he's majoring in pharmacy.

Oh, right, right, sure.

I can just see you living on a farm.

Man, on megaphone: Arlo pear.

Stand away from that car.

Yeah. You, move it!

Man: Ha ha ha! I fooled you, didn't I?

And now we go in for the kill!

You're not going anywhere, pear.

I got you right where I want you!

Cut it out, Frank!

It's just you and me now, sport.

What's your problem, Frank?!

I'll tell you what my problem is.

I have a brain tumor.

I'll tell you what my problem is.

I have a brain tumor!

cut the shit, Frank!

Arlo?

Honey, telephone.

Ohh!

Mayday, mayday. We've been hit. We're going in.

Mayday, mayday.

Honey, I'm going. See ya later.

Who is it?

Yes, this is arlo pear. What do you want?

What?

Yes, I'd be interested.

Well, that was very nice of him.

Yes, I know where that is.

Yes, an hour? I could be there in an hour.

I'll see you then.

Thank you very much.

Whoo! Ho ho ho!

Whoo h-oww!

Yoww! Hey! Ohh!

Good luck.

Thank you, Judy.

Arlo pear. Yes, sir.

Hi. Simon eberhard.

Gee, I'm glad you could make it.

I've wanted to meet you for years.

Have a seat.

Can I get you anything? Coffee?

No, Mr. eberhard. Thank you very much.

Please, call me Simon.

We're gonna be working together every day.

Excuse me.

Would you find Gary?

Tell him arlo pear's here.

That's Gary Marcus, chairman of the board.

Canceled a flight today so he could meet you.

Now, let's see, you're the man who does-- where is he?

Hi. Gary Marcus.

Heard nothing but great things about you.

Welcome to g.T.I.

Have you been filling in our friend?

Well, yeah, I was just about to.

Um, here, arlo. Take a look at this.

We call it the phase one shuttle.

It's a fully automated monorail commuter train, the fastest, most advanced train in the world.

180 Miles an hour.

Who's gonna drive this thing, my wife?

Arlo, we want you to head our research and development division.

You'll have complete autonomy.

You can set your own staff, set your own schedule, whatever you want.

Let's be perfectly Frank, arlo.

I'm sure there are a number of other offers that you're considering.

Mmm...

Arlo, we know what you were getting at Metro, and this job pays 20,000 more.

We'll treat you like a king.

Full staff, secretaries.

Stock options, profit sharing.

Expense accounts, state-of-the-art equipment.

Arlo, whatever you want, you got it.

I personally guarantee it.

How's that sound?

Terrific. Well, I guess the first thing on the agenda is we gotta get him out there as soon as possible.

Out there?

Didn't someone talk about this?

Well, no, I...

Well, it was probably just an oversight.

Arlo, the job is in Boise.

Boise.

Great.

Idaho.

Idaho.

Great.

That's where we're headquartered.

That's where the prototype for the shuttle is.

Simon: Oh, we'll do everything that we can.

Your wife is gonna love it.

We'll fly both of you out there next week, help you find a home, huh?

Arlo, I lived in Idaho all my life.

It's beautiful country. Great fishing.

Do you like the outdoors?

Is it outdoors?

Well...

This is a big decision.

Maybe you wanna go home and talk it over with the wife and family.

Monica: Come on, case.

I already bought you a ticket.

No, mom, I'm sorry. I can't come hear you sing.

I've made other plans.

Marshall: Other plans with Kevin?

We saw what you and Kevin were doing last night.

Both:

Casey: Shut up. Shut up!

Dad, will you please tell them to shut up?

Well, why don't you invite Kevin?

Oh, right, mom. That's a fun date, to bring my boyfriend to hear my mother sing soprano?

I don't think so.

Darling...

These potatoes are delicious.

Thank you, sweetie.

Um, do you have enough?

You know...

Kevin just might enjoy it.

No, mom.

Are these Idaho potatoes?

I don't know, arlo.

I bet they are. I bet these are Idaho potatoes.

I know.

Why don't you tape it, and I'll listen to it later.

It's the country's leading producer of silver, you know.

Monica: What is?

I'm sorry. I thought we were talking about Idaho.

Dad, are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

But I read an article this afternoon, about Idaho, our 43rd state, the gem state.

Which, by the way, is where Whitney Houston was born.

No, she wasn't. She was born right here, in New Jersey.

Well, she sang so good, you'd think she was born in Idaho.

What's going on here?

Arlo...

You got a job!

Maybe.

With who, the Idaho tourist bureau?

No. I'd be honored if it were, but, ahem...

It's this company called g.T.I. Transit.

It's a new opportunity, a big raise.

Well, there's more. What is it?

Well, I didn't tell them yes.

Well, what is it?

I didn't tell them yes.

Well, what?

It's in Boise, Idaho.

Bois--did you say Boise, Idaho?

No way! Boise!

Arlo, come on, now. That's not fair!

You promised me!

No way. There's no way.

No way I'm moving.

The phone hasn't been ringing off the hook, ladies and gentlemen.

You can commute.

To Idaho? Baby, it's 2,000 Miles.

It's not fair.

This is my last year of school.

I have Kevin here and all my friends.

I know, baby, but it's not that easy.

Well, there's no way I'm moving.

No fucking way!

Wait a minute!

That's a quarter in the swear jar, young lady.

Fine.

25 cents in the swear jar?

Here's $1.00, dad.

Because there's no goddamn way I'm goddamn movin' to any son-of-a-bitch, shit-eating, goddamn-Ida, goddamn, shitty-ho!

That's...

Leave the room.

Arlo: Well, you guys, don't you want dessert?

Both: Oh, yeah!

Now!

Wait a minute. I helped you guys last week.

Cowards!

I love this house.

Arlo: So do I.

I love this town.

I love our friends.

I don't wanna move.

I don't wanna move, either, baby, but things change.

You could always work for my father.

I'm sure that offer's still good.

Making mustard.

But you wouldn't be making mustard.

You'd be supervising people.

Who are making mustard.

I am a transportation engineer.

That's what I do.

That's what I do.

This job offer out there...

It's a good job, huh?

Once in a lifetime.

I can't believe I'm moving again.

No, not this time.

I'm gonna take care of everything.

If they kiss, we're dead.

You swear?

That's it.

We're moving.

Arlo: All right, ladies and gentlemen, listen up.

We're gonna take it from the top, and this time, I want some feeling in it, ok?

Operation Idaho.

5 weeks to go, and what's the plan?

All: We sell the house for as much as we can.

And what do we do with 4 weeks to go?

Buy a new house in Idaho.

3 weeks to go, what do you say?

Clean up the attic and throw stuff away.

2 weeks to go, and the big yard sale...

Arrange with the mailman to forward the mail!

One week to go, and what's the job?

Hire somebody to drive the saab!

Moving day, and we're out of Jersey!

We're gonna start a new life in a town called Boise!

Great! That was excellent!

Hey, case. Fries or onion rings?

Fries.

Have you told him yet?

No!

Why not?

Because I'm not moving.

What do you mean?

I mean I'm not moving.

Even if I have to kill someone.

Where did you get him, coach?

It ain't over till it's over.

Come on, Freddy, go!

One more lap!

Come on, let's go, Randy!

One more lap, baby!

You can do it!

You've done it before! Let's go!


I can't believe you're leaving me!

Woman: As you can see, the entire house is very sunny.

It's wonderful for plants.

Philip, wouldn't our brown couch look good in here?

Uh-huh, and, honey, look at the paneling.

And here are the 2 downstairs bedrooms.

Sounds like they like it.

If they make an offer, let me do the talking.

Don't even nod your head. I'll handle everything.

Ok.

Aah! Oh, my God! Aah!

Oh, my God!

What the hell?

Where's Casey?

Ohh, stop...

Stop what?

Stop me.

What's this?

Oh, I was just doing some work around the house.

Monica: You'll love the kitchen.

It has all the top-of-the-line appliances.

Oh, this is our stove.

It has the grill and a fan with a downdraft.

It's great.

And over here, this operates the garbage disposal.

Arlo: What--


Ohh!

Casey! Casey!

Here they are!

Is that a working fireplace?

Yes, it is. We use it all winter.

Very nice, very nice.

This would be perfect for us.

Well, I'm glad you like it.

Why don't you come outside here?

I'll show you the barbecue-- um, uh, where does this go?

Oh, it's just a basement.

You've seen one, you've seen 'em all.

Well, could we have a look at it?

Look at that? Jesus!

It's just a--just a storage area now, you know, washing machine, dryer.

Well, we'd still like to see it.

Oh, but, no!

You see, it's a mess.

It's--damn watch!

Is there a problem with the basement?

No, there's no problem with the basement, except to be honest with you, uh, the door is stuck.

It's been stuck for 6 months.

I've tried to open it.

You can't open it.

Well, let-- but you can't.

Well, I'll just give it a try.

I know you'll give it a try-- here, I'll just-- well, I'll just-- wow!

That's--honey!

Well, uh, we should've had you here 6 months ago.

At least.

Well, we're going.

Yeah, let's have a look.

Well, this is the garage door.

And the basement is really dry...

Oh, my God. Who's that?

Oh, that's our daughter Casey.

Hi, honey. These are the seegers.

We'll be taking the washer and dryer with us.

What are you doing to this child?!

Oh...

She's a student.

It's a class project.

Class project?

Yeah. She's studying sensory deprivation.

She's doing a damn good job.

She's gonna get an "a."

Aren't you, dear?

We'll be out of your way in just a minute, sweetheart.

Yeah. Uh-huh.

Come on this way.

This here is the storage room.

Well, Mr. pear, now, uh...

About your asking price.

Yes, um, how firm is it?

Ahem.

Well, we have had other interest.

Heh heh. But we'd be willing to consider anything, say, within 5%.

My God.

Uh, of course, that is negotiable.

Arlo?

Frank, what in the hell are you doing here?

Hey, neighbor.

I saw the car parked out front.

Somebody looking at the house?

Yes, they are. Uh...

Can you come back in 10 minutes, please?

Just thought I'd say hi.

That's the kind of guy I am.

They're showing a snuff film on cable, Frank.

Why don't you check it out?

Frank, don't go in the house.

Frank. Frank.

Mrs. pear.

Hi. I-I'm Frank Crawford.

Hi. I live right next-door.

Larry seeger. This is my wife Cleo.

Hi. Cleo.

Oh, what a beautiful name.

You know, one of the, uh, women that I work with at the teen center is named Cleo.

Get him out of here!

Ok.

Cleo: Really? Frank: Mm-hmm.

Frank has to be going now.

Do you play golf, Larry?

Larry: Well, I try.

Well, you know, there's a new course that just opened up down the road.

And maybe you and me, we could break it in together sometime.

Oh...

It's a deal.

Oh, I almost forgot.

It's--heh-- a little welcome to the neighborhood gift.

Aren't you sweet.

It's a bundt cake.

Mmm...

It's, uh...

My mother's recipe.

Cleo: Thank you.

Larry: Say, arlo, how much did you pay this guy to come over?

Ha ha ha.

Frank?

Oh, I couldn't pay him enough, could I, Frank?

Money? No, thanks.

Uh, listen, Frank, could I talk to you?

Certainly, neighbor.

I'm at your disposal.

So, if you'll excuse us.

Uh-huh.

Very nice meeting you-- oh, heh-- meeting you both.

And, um...

Real pleasure. You go ahead.

Nice to meet you.

Nice meeting you, too.

I'm gonna do a little refurbishing on the house, so, uh, I hope it won't disturb you.

Oh, come on.

Don't forget it's a date.

Oh, yeah, we-- right there.

Mrs. pear.

Frank! Come here!

Jesus Christ! What are you doing?!

I'd say I'm selling your house.

Why?!

Because you people bore me.

I want you out!

I crave new blood.

Ain't you gonna peel that?

I know what's in it.

Jesus, that's disgusting.

Mr. pear. Hi.

Arlo, we've talked it over, and we'd like to make you an offer.

Oh, that's great.

Great!

Mom, we're coming back as soon as we find a house.

We're not gonna go stay this time.

Randy: May we have our own bedroom?

Marshall: Can we buy this one?

We're gonna do the best we can to get you your own room, but I need the book. We gotta go.

Come on, guys. Unh.

Oh! Pull!

There you go.

Hey, take care of your sister, ok?

She's not feeling well.

Ok. I'll see you guys.

Ok, bye.

Oh, mother, thank you.

We really appreciate this.

Come on, dear.

We gotta get going. We're gonna be late.

See you, dad.

Take care, ok?

I don't even know where Idaho is.

Monica: Sounds perfect.

It's "4 bedrooms, sunken living room, with fireplace, needs some work."

And this, naturally, is the living room.

Probably your dream house, isn't it, dear?

Of course, you'd probably decorate it differently.

Oh, yes. We'd get bigger penises.

Oh, arlo, this is great.

And they have 4 bedrooms. Can you believe it?

You know how much this place would cost back in Jersey?

Oh, God.

Look at these windows.

My plants are gonna love it here.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

We're taking all the windows with us.

Oh, I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

I'm a joker. I'm a nut.

Come on in the kitchen. I'll show you the kitchen.

Yeah, I built these cabinets myself.

They're beautiful.

And tiles. Look.

And 2 sinks.

Yeah, unfortunately, we're takin' 'em with us.

No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

Oh, he's irrepressible.

I like your jokes, but the listing said something about a new heating system?

Oh, yeah, yeah. That's right.

New furnace. Gas.

Forced hot air. Very efficient.

Come on out in the backyard.

Do you like these doors?

I love 'em. Sorry.

We're taking all the doors with us.

His material sucks, but I like his delivery.

I don't care, arlo. I want this house.

Arlo: It's beautiful!

You know, I have lived in 14 different houses and I've never had my own pool.

And I've always wanted one ever since I was a little girl.

Well, sister, I've got some bad news for you.

All: We're taking it with us!

I really like to joke, Roger, but I'd like to talk to you about financing this house.

Terrific, terrific.

Why don't we leave the little ladies here, you and I will go inside and talk about it.

God, this is great, Alice, great.

Thank you. Well, we love it.

So you found your dream house, and right now you're asking first Boise savings and loan to give you a mortgage.

As you can see, I've had the same job for 15 years.

Well, that's very nice, but it's not enough.

I mean, Al Capone had the same job for 30 years.

But we've never had any problem with credit.

Oh, don't get me wrong.

I trust you. We trust all our customers.

Why, this bank was built on trust.

Here. Sign here.

You gotta get closer. This pen is chained down.

Woman: Mr. Hanks, Mr. Wilson wants to see you right away, and he wants you to bring all your records for the last 5 years.

I'll be there as soon as I can.

Whoo, I see you got twins.

Hey, I'm one of twins.

I'll tell you, though, my twin brother, he's not too smart.

I mean, last year, he forgot my birthday.

Woman: Mr. Wilson is waiting!

Is something wrong?

Oh, no, everything is ok.

Your application is fine.

But right now I can't give you any money.

When can you give us the money?

Mr. pear, are you a gambling man?

No, I'm not.

Well, you are now.

Look, I'm gonna level with you people.

I just spent a big chunk of the bank's money on Hannah blue in the seventh at hallmark downs.

That's embezzlement.

That's right, and that's exactly what I've been doing here for 22 years.

But I'll tell you, this horse can't lose.

You'll get your money for the house.

I did my homework.

This horse has never lost on a wet track.

Announcer: I can't remember when I've ever seen a track this dry.

And they're off!

Lady Paris gets the early lead, with Hannah blue second along the inside...

Hannah blue, baby, come on.

Come on, Hannah blue.

Move it, move it, move it.

Pass 'em, pass 'em.

Go ahead, Hannah blue, baby, go.

Hannah blue, come on, baby. Oh, God, please, Hannah blue.

I'll do anything. I'll go back to my wife.

You heard him, God! Hannah blue!

He said he'd be true to his wife!

Take it easy, will you?

I said I'll go back to my wife.

This application's approved!

Hello.

Mr. pear?

Yes.

How's it hangin'?

How's what hangin'?

Your dick.

Huh? Oh, uh, it's hangin' to the left.

I'm Edwards, and this is Perry.

We're here to give you an estimate for the Cortez brothers moving and storage company.

You got anything I can write with around here?

By the phone.

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Well, yeah, well, like I was saying, well, we generally start upstairs, you know?

Upstairs. Ok. Um...

Ahem.

Ok, we got here the bedroom, huh?

Master bedroom, bed, 2 tables-- antique tables?

Uh, yeah.

That's an antique clock, too.

Probably worth a lot of money, huh?

Yeah, I suppose so.

A chest of drawers, antique lamp.

Hey, this is a nice suit.

What? Give me my suit.

This doesn't even fit you.

Give me my suit!

Jesus!

And we got here the, uh, wardrobe closet, huh?

Hey.

What?

This your wife's underwear?

Put that down!

This is going, too, right?

Back up!

Give me this!

Now...

I don't care what you say.

I want you out of here right now.

I've seen enough of this shit, ok?

Let's go!

We got a deal for you.

We come here to make a deal with you, and we're gonna make this deal.

Now, we figured 25 cartons.

We'll make the whole move for you from door-to-door, coast-to-coast.

That's loading everything on the truck and taking it off for $1,930.

We have your estimate, and I thank you gentlemen for coming by.

And I'll show you out now.

This is the door. You remember the door.

It works both ways.

Good. You'll be going out.

What are you doing in my purse?!

Arlo! He was in my purse!

She's lying. She's crazy.

I don't know what's the matter with your wife.

She's lying.

What?! Well, get out of the house!

That's it!

Edwards: Hey, brother, why don't you chill out?

You know how this thing goes.

We help you out, and you help us out.

Here. There's out. I helped you.

Now get out of my house.

Hey, man, I'll smack you in the mouth.

What? You-- and stay out!

The shark son of a bitch.

No!

Woman: Uh, Mr. pear?

Oh, hello. I'm Carol Davenport.

I'm with the hummingbird moving company.

I believe I spoke with you on the phone.

Oh, yeah, uh, come in, please.

Oh, good.

Honey, this is Mrs. Davenport.

She's from hummingbird movers.

It's a completely different company.

She's a professional.

Carol: It comes to $2,430.

Now, this figure includes all transportation, mileage, tolls, and insurance.

We've just a small fee for packing and unpacking.

Sold.

Um, for that fee, will you reassemble all the beds once we get to Idaho?

Absolutely.

We will do everything.

You two have enough to worry about, am I right?

Thank you. Thanks.

Enjoy 'em.

How much for everything?

Wrap it all up.

Will that cash or charge, sir?

Come on, arlo. Give me the tour.

Ok, come on, Arnie.

Monica: Well, you can see we never throw anything out.

You look around here, you can tell this is the sale of the century.

Well, at least the sale of the decade.

285, 286...

Monica: Believe me, ma'am. They're all there.

It says 1,000 pieces.

Well, I'm sure they're all there.

287, 288...

Uh, how much for this?

This? Oh, this?

I'll pay you to take this.

Excuse me. Does your dog bite?

Madam, that dog hasn't farted since march of '78.

Here's some comic books, mostly D.C., and here's some video games.

And here's some pictures of my sister...Naked.

I'll give you 140 for it.

Frank: I'll give you 150.

170.

200.

Sorry. That's too steep for me.

Nah. I changed my mind.

There you go, kid, a nice, short fuse for you.

All right, boys, more bang for the buck.

Here we go.

Randy, Marshall, put those m-80s down.

Get back to your own yard, ok?

Wipe your feet.

Having a mustard sale, Frank?

I hear you folks are moving out west.

I got a brother lives out that way.

I never visit him, though.

God-awful country.

I'm sorry to hear that, Frank.

We're gonna miss you.

The wife and I, maybe we could send you a plane ticket.

You could come out and visit us at Christmas.

Could, but I won't.

Well, I'd be happy to drive your car to Idaho for you, Mr. pear.

In fact, when I saw your ad up on the bulletin board at school, I couldn't believe it.

My family lives right outside of Boise.

I'd be going that way anyway.

Have you ever driven a turbo saab?

Oh, yes, sir.

In fact, coincidentally, my Uncle owns a saab dealership in Illinois.

I used to work there in the summertime.

Well, what did you do for this Uncle of yours in the summertime?

Did you sell them?

Oh, no, sir, I repaired them.

I have some references if you'd like to see them.

Ref--you know, I don't need to see this.

Why don't you come on in the house?

We'll talk about the trip.

Hey, I'll fix you a beer.

Oh, I don't drink, sir.

Some lemonade would be fine, if it's not too much trouble.

Uhh! Ooh!

Ok, well, if you do hear from him, tell him to call me.

Ok. I know. Bye.

Mrs. arlo pear?

Yes.

I'm with hummingbird movers.

Uh-huh.

I'm the packer.

Uh, you know, you don't have to wrap each one of those individually.

Oh, it's no problem.

Arlo...

Aah!

Whoa!

If daddy doesn't come home, do we still have to move?

Why did you say that?

Casey, have you done something to your father?

No!

Come on, baby, tell me.

Honey, I'm not gonna be angry with you.

I'm not gonna put you on punishment.

I just want to know the truth.

Have you done something to your father?

You're serious.

I'm not gonna stand here and listen to this.

Why don't you ask the man on the roof?

What man?

The man on your roof that's screamin' and wavin' his hands.

Maybe he's seen your husband.

That's one.

I'm just taking a educated guess, but you're being paid by the hour, are you?

You got it.

Hello?

Hi, arlo. This is crystal.

Hi, crystal.

I hate to shock you, but Casey's getting married.

It--what?!

We're at the Sullivan wedding chapel.

Casey?!

Yes, arlo!

Are you serious?!

I'm afraid so.

Listen, I appreciate you calling.

We'll be right there!

Ok?

Ok. Please hurry.

Monica! Our daughter's getting married.

You want to come?

Crystal: Now, hold still, dear.

Arlo: Casey, what is going on?

I'm getting married, as soon as the justice of the peace gets here.

You can stay if you want.

Honey, now listen to me, ok, case?

Now, I know that if Kevin really loves you, he'll wait until you're old enough-- mom, I'm not marrying Kevin.

I asked him, but he said no.

I'm marrying him.

His name is Rudy something, and I love him very much.

Your daughter's about to become a very wealthy young woman.

Arnie: Casey called us and asked us to act as witnesses.

She said you knew about it.

I didn't think it was right, so I thought I should call.

I don't think I have to tell you how very special Casey is.

Casey, where'd you find this man?

Is there a asshole convention in town?

No. I met him at the mall this afternoon.

But I feel like I've known her all my life.

I'll supervise her career myself, see that she's photographed...Properly, sensuously...

Tastefully.

Monica: Casey, honey, you can't be serious.

Oh, yeah?

Sure, we'll have our problems, like most young couples.

You're gonna have a problem walking straight if you don't take your hands off my daughter.

Dad, you wouldn't listen to me.

I cannot leave now.

It's my last year of school.

Casey, we didn't know how serious you were.

Excuse me, Monica, we have an extra room in the house.

We were planning on renting it out.

It's not very big.

That's all right.

Crystal: We already think of you as family.

Please, just till I graduate?

Sure.

We're going.

Arlo: Here. Marry these!

Monica: Second thoughts?

Hmm?

I couldn't sleep, either.

I was just thinking, wondering if the kids will remember this house.

I think so.

A lot of happy memories.

Do you remember Marshall took his first steps right over there?

Yeah.

And Randy didn't walk until 6 months later.

Now look which one's the track star.

Oh, arlo, I hope we're doing the right thing.

It doesn't really matter where we live as long as we're together.

We hired the right movers.

Don't worry, honey.

Everything's gonna be ok.

Mrs. pear?

Yes, Mr. pear?

Would you have one last dance with me in New Jersey?

Yes.

Yes.


Arlo: No!

Hey, Mr. p, sorry we're late.

Late?! You're not supposed to be here!

Hide your underwear, dear!

Yeah, I know, I know.

You're expecting another mover, huh?

Hummingbird movers?

We work for them now, as of yesterday.

It's fate.

Fuckin' kismet.

Fuckin' kismet? Fate?

I don't give a damn about that.

I don't want you gentlemen in my house, touching anything that belongs to my family, damn it!

Gorgo, this man don't want to pay us for the day.

Gorgo-schworgo!

I don't want you in my--

Hey. Hey, you-- look.

Aah!

Gorgo! You're gorgo?

You're gorgo--you can move anything you like.

I was just kidding with the-- move my car if you'd like.

Just pick it up and put it on the lawn, ok?

Darling? They're here!

Hey! What are you doing, dragging that around?

I have a key inside that you can unlock that with, ok?

That won't be necessary, Mr. pear.

Jesus! What are you doing?!

Hey, hey, nothin' like a nice, cold drink.

Honey, I found this container for our sandwiches and things, and I'll put it in-- you guys enjoying yourself?

Yeah, this is great.

Perry: I love it.

So where you folks movin' to?

Boise, Idaho. Remember?

Sure you don't want to move to new Orleans?

I beg pardon?

New Orleans.

You know, new Orleans, Louisiana?

It's mardi gras time.

Maybe you'd rather move there.

We bought a home in Boise, Idaho, and we're moving to Boise, Idaho.

Suit yourself.

Heh heh heh heh!

Oh, shoot.

Hey, man, the leg just jumped off.

Bullshit! This leg didn't jump off.

This is--oh, my God!

My grandfather made this table with his own hands!

It's irreplaceable!

I'm sorry I'm late, sir.

You're not late.

Mr. pear, I'm 30 seconds late.

Here's the key.

I want you to park it sideways when you park it, 'cause I don't want any scratches on her.

Yes, sir. I understand.

Don't worry about a thing, sir.

I'm not worried.

Take good care of my baby, now.

Yes, sir, I will.

55, stay alive.

Well, take care.

Good-bye, Mr. pear.

Hi, Frank.

I know this may be an oversight on your part, but...

But a couple of years ago, you borrowed my weed whacker, remember?

Well, we're moving, as you can see, and, uh, I'd like to get that weed whacker back and take it with us, so can I have it?

Mmm...

No.

It's our weed whacker, Frank.

I mean, the whole family went down to sears together.

We went to sears.

And, uh, it was on sale for $18.

The whole family likes it, so I come over to ask you to give it back to me.

No.

Frank, I knew you was gonna do something like this.

I loaned you the weed whacker 2 years ago to cut your grass.

You haven't cut shit with the weed whacker.

What did you do with it?

Keep the weed whacker, Frank. Ok?

That's the kind of guy I am! Ok?

You love the weed whacker?

Be happy with the weed whacker, 'cause you have no friends, Frank.

Nobody wants to talk to you.

Edwards: Frank! I don't believe it!

Perry: Hey, Frank! Frank Crawford!

How the hell are you?

Edwards! Perry! Well, choke my chicken!

When did you guys get out?!

A few months ago, man!

Hey, man, is this your base?

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Man, this is great! I love it!

Come on in and have a brew.

We're gonna take a break.

Frank: Come on in!

Edwards: Whoa! Yeah, man!

I'm gonna miss you, baby.

Ohh!

Crystal, I want you to take this, ok?

I won't hear of it. Now come on.

Give me a hug.

Crystal.

Arlo, we're really gonna miss you.

Gonna miss you, too, man.

Want you to take care of my little girl, now.

We will.

You know, you're a handful, little girl.

I know, but you love me.

Yes, I do.

Randy, Marshall, check the dog.

Ok. Ok.

She's alive, dad.

Then we're taking her with us.

Monica: Bye.

Bye, sweetie. You be good.

Randy: Take it easy, case!

Casey: Be good.

We won't.

Marshall: We'll miss you!

Everybody say good-bye to Frank.

Good-bye, Frank good-bye, Frank!

Marshall and Randy: Good-bye, Frank!

Arlo: Bye, Frank!

Swing on this, Frank!

Boom! Boom! Boom!

Ah ha ha ha ha!

Dad, I have to use the rest room.

And I'm hungry.

There's a restaurant over there.

You like that? Good.

Uh, that corner table, ok?

And your mouth is shut.

Your mother and I will order food.

May I help you?

Uh, yes, 2 cheeseburgers, order of fires, and 2 milks, and one plain burger.

Dad, it's this famous guy driving our car.

That's right.

No, the saab.

Monica: "The amazing 8 personalities of Brad Williams.

"A case study in mpd:

"Multiple personality disorder.

"Williams' schizophrenic tendencies

"manifested themselves at an unusually early age.

"He reportedly graduated from 3 different grade schools simultaneously."

oh, they never put a vanity mirror where a girl can use one.

Damn nostril hair.

Giddy-up, Mr. car.

Hey, stud, you wanna ride me?

Do you like my car?

It's got a real big engine.

Do you?

Have it your way, Mr. perfect.

I hope she's a good driver.

You're listening to Boise's number one rock 'n' roll station: J-105.

I'm Carl--

Well, it's almost 3:30, and the movers should be there by now.

Boys, we're almost there.

Arlo: I got the key, and I want everybody-- close your eyes!

Come on, kids. Close your eyes.

This is gonna be-- you, too!

This is gonna be a surprise.

All right, close your eyes!

We're--

can we open our eyes now?

No.

Where are the doors?

Oh! Ooh!

Ooooh!

Ooooh!

Aaaaah!

Kitchen!

The kitc-- the kitchen!

Where's the kitchen?

They took the goddamn kitchen!

There's no kitchen!

Hello?!

Hey, how's it hangin', man?

Arlo: How's it hangin'?

Where are you guys?

You're supposed to be here now!

Uh, well, we got lost.

I think I took a wrong turn somewhere.

Uh, do you think, by chance, you may have made a wrong turn to new Orleans?!

Yep, we're in new Orleans, and, uh, it's mardi gras time.

Mardi gras time, huh?

Listen, asshole, I want my furniture here in Boise, Idaho, and I want it now!

Hey, all right, all right, we're on our way, pal.

Hello?

Helloooo!

Randy: I thought you said we had a pool!

Aaaaaah!

Cadell, when I bought this house from you it had doors...

Stairs, and a swimming pool!

Now where's the shit now?

Now, hold on, pear. I distinctly told you I was taking the pool and the doors with us.

You said you were joking.

You were just kidding about that.

No, sir. No, sir.

I recorded the entire conversation.

I got the transcript right here.

I said just kidding about the windows and the kitchen sink, so I never actually said just kidding about the doors and the pool.

Now, listen, cadell!

You're a bullshitter, ok?!

Now, if you don't have workmen here in 2 days putting my stuff back in order, I'm gonna kick your ass!

Man on TV: Well, Mr. Maverick's in.

How 'bout you, Mr. Maverick?

Gentleman friend still not home?

No, and I don't understand it.

He told me to call him.

I'm sure he'll be back soon.

Meanwhile, come here and watch Maverick with us.

Sit here.

Maverick: I'll see it and raise you $200.

Man on TV: That ain't money.

Oh, it's the same thing.

Here's my draft for $10,000.

Still ain't money.

We're not playin' table stakes.

Ya see, that's James garner.

He plays Bret Maverick.

And that's his brother Bart Maverick.

They're gamblers on the Mississippi.

I don't know who he is.

I think he's a desperado.

Arlo: Honey?

Monica: Hmm?

You awake? Mm-hmm.

Well...

The boys register for school today.

Mm-hmm.

By noon today, the movers should be here with our stuff.

Mm-hmm.

I'm gonna get the furnace fixed.

Mm-hmm.

And by tonight, everything should be back to normal.

God, no.

Your name wouldn't be Crawford, would it?

Yeah, that's right.

Cornell Crawford.

What's it to ya?

Do you have a brother?

Well, choke my chicken.

Your name's pear, right?

You lived right next-door to Frank.

Am I right?

Yeah.

It's a small world, isn't it?

Too small.

Yeah, Frank says you're a real asshole, and if you fuck with me, I'll kill ya.

Ya understand?

Oh, yeah, I-- good.

Uh, Randy and Marshall pear?

Oh, I thought there'd be 2 of you.

2 of me?

Yes, don't you have a brother named Marshall?

No, ma'am. Marshall's my middle name.

Oh, I see.

You know, these computers are gonna be the death of us all.

Yes, ma'am.

They made the same mistake at my other school.

Mm-mm-mm.

Well, Randy Marshall, I guess you'll only be needing one of these, and your locker number's 54, and that's straight down this hall and to your right.

Marshall, is that you?

How'd it go?

I pulled it off.

Ahh, great.

Do you think they'll catch on?

No one has yet.

I never thought I'd say this, but...

I'm getting tired of cheeseburgers and fries.

Is it the movers?

Arlo: The movers! Hooray!

It's the movers.

Sons of bitches!

Wait! Don't--no!

Please, back up.

Hello!

Mr. and Mrs. pear.

We're from the welcome wagon committee.

I'm Zelda messina.

Woman: Hi!

I'm Elizabeth Griffin.

Welcome to Boise. Hello.

Oh, these are some brochures.

It's a free gift from our local merchants, Mrs. pear.

Now, we can only come in for just a minute.

Oh, uh, well, we're not really fixed up yet.

Oh, I'm sure it's just lovely.

Oh, no, well, see-- could you move the car? Ladies? Uh, um-- ah, I'll go around.

Brad: Oh, man, that is-- that is a great car, man.

Fuck, it handles great, man.

Left, right. It's great.

Brakes stop on a fuckin' dime.

Jesus Christ, you got power in this thing, man.

The thing'll take a hairpin turn at 120, no fuckin' problem.

You floor it, it just says gimme more.

The car says gimme more, man.

Keys, dude?

A cop tried to pull me over.

I said eat this, man.

I put it in fifth. Forget about it.

The only thing was I couldn't get it in reverse, but then I was pissed, and then I said fuck, I don't need reverse.

What do I need reverse for?

I don't wanna go back in life, man.

I wanna go forward.

So the cop tries to pull me over, I say fuck it. Ha ha.

Where...Is my car?

Oh, I was supposed to deliver this car to, uh, To a guy named arlo.

Is that you?

Is your name arlo, man?

That's a fuckin' funny name. Arlo. Ha ha.

Oh, man, you must laugh all the time, huh?

You come here through a war zone?

Soda Springs, man. Back off, dude.

I'm just delivering this car as a favor for a friend of mine, man.

Brad Williams. Do you know him?

He's really fuckin' straight.

I mean, he's about my heighth.

Could I...

Speak to Brad...Please?

No, man, you can't talk to Brad.

I can't talk to Brad.

No one knows who Brad is, man.

I love him.

He's beautiful!

I can't get close to him.

Shit, man, Nixon knew, man.

I don't even know my political affil-- huh?

Huh?

Teddy? Ted--Teddy?

Teddy.

What...

Happened to my car?

Brad probably loaned the car to the pope.

Don't let-- don't let the hat fool ya, man.

The pope's a crazy fucker.

He probably blessed the car, got wasted, and just drove it off a fuckin' cliff.

Monica: Uh, come back next week...

Who are the chicks?

Well, we hardly ever get into this neighborhood.

Hardly ever. Really.

Afternoon, ladies!

Oh...Zelda?

I'm gonna kill you.

Do you hear me?

Mm-hmm.

So you got about an hour to get outta town before I find a gun and I load it with 8 bullets and I kill all crazy 8 of you son of a bitches.

Now, please go. I don't wanna go to jail.

Please.

You're squishin' Teddy, man.

I'm gonna kill him, too.


How was the move?

Uneventful.

Terrific.

Good morning, Mr. pear.

Good morning.

It is a pleasure to meet you.

Bob Delaney, arlo pear.

Hi.

Come on. I want ya to meet Ted.

Ted, this is arlo pear, the genius from New Jersey.

Hey, at last.

Welcome.

Thank you.

I want to show you some drawings as soon as you're settled.

Ok.

Come on, arlo.

Let me show you your office.

Isn't this place great?

Everybody's so nice here.

Yeah.

Oh, arlo, this is Nina Franklin.

She'll be your receptionist.

Hi. Welcome to g.T.I.

Would you like some coffee?

Oh, no. I have an organizational meeting, and it may keep me awake.

Come on, arlo.

Oh.

Well... Boy.

Here we are, home sweet home.

Do you like? I love it.

Ha ha. Well, I'm sure you wanna get settled in, so I'm gonna run, but if you need anything, anything at all, don't hesitate to ask.

As far as I'm concerned, you're the king of Idaho!

Thank you very much.

Damn.

Oh, they bought it.

I got the job.

I'm the king of Idaho.

Shh shh. Yeah.

Sharpen pencil.

Why not?

A little drumroll.

Back beat, please.

Woman: Come on, let's set up over here.

Reporter: Sir, would you care to comment on the decision to scrap the phase one shuttle project?

You better talk to Mr. barnett.

Mr. barnett, would you care to comment on the decision to scrap the phase one shuttle project?

About what?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Ask Mr. pear.

Reporter: Thank you.

Reporter: Mr. pear, how do you explain the $15-million cost overrun on the phase one shuttle?

$15 million?

Where did the $15 million go, Mr. pear?

I don't know.

What do you think of the decision to scrap the whole project?

Scrap the whole project?

Have you thought about legal representation?

Now that your job has been eliminated, sir, what are your personal plans?

I just sharpened my pencil.

Newscaster on TV: We'll have more on this story on the 6:00 news. Chuck?

In another top story, the g.T.I. Scandal continues to unfold.

The shutdown came as a shock to local area residents, hundreds of whom work for g.T.I.

And whose jobs are in question.

Hey, they're talkin' about me!

Chuck: The project coordinator offered very little new information.

Reporter: Now that your job has been eliminated, sir, what are your personal plans?

I just sharpened my pencil!

Pussy!

Here, found some more for you.

Thanks.

Stop.

...whose latest book is entitled go for it.

Dr. ames, exactly what do you mean by...

Go for it?

Well, Chuck, the book is about change.

I think it's about time that people realize a little bit of change is a good thing.

Ha!

Dr. ames: For example, Chuck, moving to a new town, starting a new job, well, for most people, this is a high-stress situation...But, well, I think we should embrace it.

I think it's the spice of life.

After all, what's the worst thing that could happen?

Ha ha.

Dr. ames: Don't be afraid to shake things up.

I gotta meet that lady.

I gotta ask that lady, where's my furniture?

Lady, where's my door?

What is it with you, fella?

You think life is one big joke?

No, no, no, life is not a big joke.

It's a series of 8,000 or 9,000 little jokes, you know, all lined up in a row.

There they are, and they slap you down.

Slap. Slap. Slap.

And the only way you can survive that is keep your head down!

Make the mustard!

Huh? Stay in New Jersey, and you make the goddamn mustard!

After you're happy where ya are, don't move!

Stay where ya are!

Keep your head down, and don't move, and you won't get hurt!

Hank, what'd you do that for?

I thought he was holdin' the place up.

Bartender: Nah, the guy was just spouting off.

Help him up.

I'm awful sorry.

That's ok.

High point of my day.

Come on! Come on, put some movement in it!

Listen, you wanna get your little old ass-- excuse me...

People to kill.


Yo, man.

There's some crazy mother in a saab following us.

Who is it, man?

I want my furniture!

Oh, shit. It's arlo pear.

Oh, man. Forget about him.

Hey, man! Watch the road! Look out!

Ha ha ha!

Arlo, I think you're taking this much too seriously.

It's just business.

Get your ass in the car, Marcus.

Tell them I'll be about 10 minutes late.

Yes, Mr. Marcus.

Buckle your seat belt.

Marcus, we can do it.

We can make up the money.

Look, I know you're disappointed, arlo, but I--I just don't think that-- excuse me!

It's just a question of accelerating the schedule.

All we need is 3 teams working on the train itself.

Yes. Arlo!

Arlo, I like what you're saying, but who would coordinate it all?

You're looking at him.

Well, I don't know, arlo.

I--I'm not sure. I--I'm-- well, think about it.

And while you're thinking about it, take this goddamn wheel.

What?

Take the wheel.

Aah! Where are you going?!

I--I can't drive from the passenger seat!

Hey! Come on!

We don't need problems, mister.

I don't want your money.

I want those assholes.

All: Oh, those assholes.

Arlo: Let's get those assholes.

Man: Get 'em, buddy.

That's arlo pear, man.

He's coming back for us.

Give him a hand.

Look it! This guy's fuckin' crazy, man!

What are you talkin' about?!

He's climbing onto the truck.

Move!

All right. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.

Yo, I don't see him anymore, man.

I think he fell off. Good.

Hyah!

He's on the roof, man!

Hey, what-- how's it hanging?

I can't see the road!

Ooh ooh!

Whoo!

Yo, man, he looks crazy.

That's right, fuckhead. I'm crazy!

Come on. I'll take care of you, man.

Ooh! Ha!

Yaah!

Now, look here, Mr. pear.

If you got any complaints about our service, you better call the head office.

Shut the hell up. No more talk!

I want my furniture!

Who you think you're talkin' to?

I'll stomp a mud hole in your ass, poop-butt.

Aah!


Shit.

Yaah!

Ooh!


Honey, I'm home.

Look what I found.

I found our shit.

I brought our shit home.

This is our shit.

Like I said, they key to a successful move is proper preparation.

Well, I've got a surprise for you, too.

Well, whup it on me.

Casey!

Get out of here!

Hello.

Daddy, what happened to you?

Nothing. I'm fine.

I'm the king of Idaho.

Come on, you guys! Let's move it!

Move it!

Excuse me, Mrs. pear.

Where would you like this?

Down the hall by the door.

I think that's the perfect placement for it, if you don't mind my saying so.

Arlo.

I've been thinking about what you were talking about, and you can build the train, but you can't drive the train.

All right!

Thank you.

Congratulations.

I'll see you at work.

I'll give you a ride home.

Oh, no. No, thanks. I'll walk.

After all, it's a beautiful day.

Yes, it sure is.

Excuse me, kids.


What the fuck are you doing?!

I want you to take this big red motherfucker and put it back in your garage.

Do you understand, you son of a bitch?!

And go to the store and buy you a human-sized mower!

Yeah?

And who's gonna make me?

You?

Flipper!

I don't want any trouble.

Come on, flipper. Let's go home.

Boy, let's go! Come on, flipper.

Cornell: You're all right, neighbor.

We're gonna get along just fine.