Mr. Nanny (1993) Script

Hey!


You stink!

Kill him!

Ohh.

You bum!

1...

2...

3...

Hit him!

Kill him!

Aah!

5...

6...

All right. Time's up. You're killing him.

Ooh.

All right.

Ahhh.

Ahh. Dinner.

Sure put up a big fight for such a little guy.

Hey, don't give me that sad look.

All right.

Don't tell any of your friends I did that.

Don't let me catch you out here again.

What a sucker!

I see you still got that killer instinct.

How'd you find me, Burt?

I'm in the security business now. It's my job.

Okay, okay, your mom told me, all right?

I'm glad you're so thrilled to see me after all these years.

Do you mind if I make myself comfortable on this filthy crate?

Suit yourself.

Look, I just got a call from a major, major new client looking for a bodyguard. I thought of you first.

Forget it.

I'm not a bodyguard. I'm a wrestler, okay?

Hey, wait, wa..

I am a wrestler.

I managed you for 15 years. Remember?

Or did you get head-slammed too many times?

Listen to me. You'll make some big bucks, and it'll get you out of the ring.

Forget it, Burt.

Still having those nightmares?

Yeah, sometimes.

So why'd you pick me?

'Cause I love you like a son...

And nobody else will work for me.

So what did you do now?

Man, it's crazy. You bounce a few checks, and right away you're a deadbeat.

Remember the time in Reno when the hotel locked up our clothes and I had to sneak down the fire escape in a towel?

Yeah! We had some fun times then, didn't we?

Nope.

I got a bum leg since I took a bullet for some big lunkhead.

Hey, wait. It was meant for you, wasn't it?

Okay, I owe you my life.

I still ain't taking the gig.

Sure, you'd help some slimy fish, but the guy that saved your life..

That's gratitude for you.

Just forget it.

Let me explain how it works.

Ahh.

Want to know my secret?

I cook it in the can.

Mmm.

Out of the can and into the man.

How long's it been since you ate?

Just a week.

Here.

Tell you what...

Fill in the amount and pay me back when you can.

I don't want your damn charity.

I need a job, not a handout.

If I get this gig, I'm back in business.

One thing I still got, my self-respect.

I ain't going to beg.

Yeah.

Although it always worked before...

Hey, Sean, Brother, please, Man.

Oh, Man, you know I hate that.

Help me. Help me.

Come on. All right. All right.

I'll take the job.

Oh, man, this is such an emotional moment.

So what else you got to eat?

♪ I just wanna go fishin' ♪

♪ In the deep blue sea ♪

♪ 'Cause I need a change ♪

♪ From my reality ♪

♪ This world will beat you down ♪

♪ Beat you with a stick ♪

♪ You want an ice cream pop ♪

♪ They give you a boot to lick ♪

♪ I need some time ♪

♪ To sort out all this mess ♪

♪ I gotta be rough and ready ♪

♪ When they put me to the test ♪

♪ Call his bluff ♪

♪ Baby, gonna call your bluff ♪

♪ Rough stuff ♪

♪ It's comin'... ♪ Good morning, Mr. Mason.

Morning, Jane.

Lose the gum, thank you.

Uh, yes, Mr. Mason.

Penny?

I found a typo on page 649, second paragraph, fourth word in.

Frank, where's the bodyguard?

He'll be here in a second, Sir, and don't worry.

Security is on full alert for any suspicious intruders.

All units.. potential intruder, main gate.

Roger. We copy.

Where do you think you're going?

I'm looking for Mr. Mason.

Is that so? Get off the bike.

What for?

Just do it, Butthead!

Forget it.

Are you deaf or just plain stupid?

I've got a low tolerance for gorillas in rent-a-cop suits.

Gorillas, huh?

Shouldn't have done that.

Aah!

Hey, you!

This is the bodyguard?

A terrible mistake, Sir.

I'll get rid of him immediately.

Wrong. He's incredible.

Obviously a real pro.

So where's Mason's Office?

I bet you've been a bodyguard for a long time.

You don't know how long.

Here, I want to show you something.

Aah!

Got him!

That's our new head of security.

The man who hired you.

Oh, uh, see who hit you?

You okay?

This is Alex Mason.

Ah, Mr. Mason.

You've received my message?

Yeah. Now who are you?

Oh, just your average psychotic criminal genius.

I desire your new computer chip..

The one for the Peacefinder.

I told you it's not for sale.

Everything's for sale.

The question is only at what price.

You have 24 hours to reconsider.

And do take care of your lovely children.

Should we call the police?

Damn right. This man assaulted me!

Quiet. No police!

If word gets out about this Peacefinder Project, we'll have every crackpot after us.

What's the Peacefinder Project?

I'm sorry. That's top-secret.

I'm putting my life on the line.

Tell me, or I'm gone.

Well, nice meeting you.

Okay, Sean, okay, but you've got to keep this strictly confidential.

Know anything about chips?

I'm a nacho cheese man myself.

I was referring to silicon chips.

He doesn't know anything about chips, Sir.

He's only the bodyguard.

I know a microchip is a wafer of the chemical element silicon serving as a semiconductor under which a series of electrical circuits are printed.

Very good.

Did you know that the chip itself costs only pennies?

But the information on this one is worth millions.

It's the only one in existence.

You invented it?

No. I have a company to run.

I was an inventor, though.

I started this place in my garage. Come on.

This is a model of the Peacefinder.

With our chip, this can shoot down any missile fired by any country.

Cool.

It'll make people think twice before they start another war.

Real cool.

Yeah.

Come on. I will tell you about your assignment.


Armstrong!

Coming.

So I'm supposed to guard the chip?

Not exactly. You're supposed to guard my kids.

Are you crazy? I hate kids.

The children have a nanny.

You just protect them.

I'll find someone else, Sir.

Obviously, he's not up for it.

I didn't say I couldn't do it...

I mean, as long as they got a nanny.


Ah! Aah!

Aah! Ah!

Get down.

What the hell was that?

Aah!

Aah!

Alex! Kate!

What happened to Miss Parker?

Miss Kopalski. Miss Parker was last week.

Remember? The stairs?

Oh, right. The broken leg.

Legs.

Miss Kopalski had a short circuit in her blow dryer.

This is very bad.

Now the agency won't send any more nannies.

Say what?

That's why you brought home Frankenstein.

Alex!

Is there a phone I could use?

It's in there.

You're afraid they're smarter than you?

Babysitting was not part of our deal.

The security guy hates my guts.

Hey, sure, fine.

I guess you gave it a real effort, right?

Do me one last favor.

Go turn off the gas in my oven.

Why can't you?

Because my head's going to be in it!

Okay, Man, cool out.

Just get me a replacement, understand?

What? I can't hear you.

Something's wrong with this phone.

Must be the phone company disconnecting my service.

Or maybe I'm dying from starvation!

Nice shot.

What do you mean, nice?

I was aiming for your wrist.

What are you doing in my kitchen?

I'm Sean Armstrong, bodyguard for the kids.

Ha! Mr. Nanny!

Hey, why not? I been here four years, seen dozens of them come and go.

But none big as you.

Smarter maybe, better-looking for sure, but none as big.

Here. Make yourself useful.

Top shelf, Lurch.

You survived.

I'm tough.

I raised my own four kids by myself.

What are you doing?

This is like the roach motel.

The nannies check in...

But they don't check out. Yeah.

That's not so many names.

Ha!

Oh.

I can handle myself.

Ooh.

I hope your Blue Cross is paid up.


Kids...

They're just...

Sean, dinner!

Here, piggy, piggy, piggy, piggy.

Sooey!

Kids.

Just when we get rid of the last nanny, he brings home a bodyguard.

Yeah.

Ooh. Nice touch.

Butter. Can't live without it.

Watch the trip wire.

All right, now, Kids, I'm not pointing any fingers, but I don't want anything to happen to Sean.

What could possibly happen?

Cute.

Sounds like he's in a hurry.

Evening.

Are you all right?

Never better.

See, Daddy? It's not so bad eating with us.

Of course not, Princess.

All right.

Yeah! Yeah!

Dad, you're beeping.

Incoming fax.

Go ahead. Eat up while you still got teeth.

Oh, no. This is all wrong.

We'll have to take a rain check on the ice cream.

We'll call your secretary for an appointment!

Come on, Kate.

I'm not hungry anymore.

What's going on here?

Just your typical all-American dysfunctional family.

Where's the mom?

Passed away two years back.

It's been down hill ever since.

Here. Next time I'll just serve it in a bucket.

I don't think you like me, Frank.

Oh, come on, Mr. Thanatos, what's not to like?

Then how do you explain that bodyguard?

Oh, him. Uh... See, he works for this jerk, Burt?

Burt only hires losers, and that's why I called him.

You should know losers, Frank.

I will let no man stop me from obtaining that chip!

Especially you.

Please, Sir...

I know where he keeps the chip. Huh?

And I got this great plan. See..

Wrong!

I make the plans.

Now tell me everything you know.


Ahem. Excuse me, Mr. Mason?

I'm PR.. I'm very busy right now, Sean.

I was just wondering, when does the new nanny arrive?

Oh, uh, yes, well, it seems we may have to look out of state, but I'll make it up to you in salary.

Forget the salary. Just get the nanny.

I'm going to check the grounds, then hit the rack.


Yeah! Some peace and quiet.

I hate kids.

♪ I don't wanna go to school ♪

♪ Why do I have to go to school? ♪ You're not wearing your hat.

Forget it. I'm not the chauffeur.

Really? Well, let's analyze this.

We're sitting in the back, you're driving, we tell you where to go, you get paid to drive there, we own the car.

Yep. You're a chauffeur, all right.

Now put the hat on!

♪ Don't wanna go to school ♪ Or I'll scream.

Scream all you want. No way I'm wearing that thing.

Aah!

Drop us off on the corner.

Hey, this is my old school.

You trying to tell me you go to public school?

Ooh, he can read!

Our father thinks it builds character, but when he finds out you used to go here...

Hey, stop! What are you doing?

It's hard enough fitting in without everybody knowing we have a Rolls Royce.

What do you mean?

Alex has no friends.

Like I'm so surprised.

Class? Class!

I told you to make him leave.

I told you I'm not leaving.

Quiet. I'm in charge here.

If you're in charge, how come nobody listens to you?

That's it!

Both of you to the Principal's Office.

Man, some things never change.

♪ I don't wanna go to school ♪

♪ There's only principals at school ♪

Hey, it's still here.

I said I'm not talking to you.

"S-a"?

Sean... Armstrong?

None other.

Thanks for not talking to me.

Pretty fancy. Must have took an hour.

Are you kidding? For that kind of detail?

Try seven years with a paper clip.

Spent a lot of time on the bench, huh?

Kate Mason, are you here again?

She's with me.

Oh. you.

Sean Armstrong, class of '64.

Armstrong.. Not Sean "King of Detention" Armstrong?

Well, it's always nice to have alumni visit...

Run along now, Katie.

What a lovely child.

Who are you kidding?

You're supposed to open our door.

I think we're getting to him.

I can't believe this is the same Sean Armstrong I traveled this great country with.

A man of strength and courage who defeated every vile, vulgar opponent he ever faced.

Now this fearless giant is cowering because of two little innocent children!

You want to spend your life getting your brains kicked in and having nightmares, suit yourself.

But ex-wrestlers aren't exactly in demand.

I mean, who else is gonna offer you a career?

Electromagnetic.

Radio-controlled.

Wanna see?

Okay, step back. Okay, ready?

Crank up that dial.

Whoa!

You're so smart.

And so, so bad.

Hey, aren't you going to pump some iron?

Later.

What's all this crud?

It's the nineties! I'll program it. Get on the seat.

What do you weigh?

293.

I'll get your feet.

Somehow I don't like it when you're nice.

When haven't we been nice?

Start pedaling when you're ready.

Bye, Sean.

Have a nice workout.

Bye.

So what'd you program it for?

Oh, just 20 minutes.

At 90 miles an hour!

Hey!

Somebody stop this thing!

Aah!


Whew!

Not a bad workout.

Whoo!

Better do a light one today.

Boy, he's strong.

We can fix that.

I'm out of shape.

Ohh!

You know, sometimes you're so immature.


Huh?


It's only low voltage. It can't kill him.

Then crank it up.

Aah!

How was your shower?

Stimulating.

Ow! Ow!

Oops. Sorry.

Don't you think we've done enough?

Not till he leaves.

I don't think he's going to leave.

I kind of like him. He's not a goody-goody like those nannies.

I got to admit, he's one tough mother.

I can't take it anymore.

Then go ahead... Quit.

So what if people call you a Panty-Waist, a Candy-Ass Wuss?

Who's going to know I quit?

When I get through spreading the word? Everybody, Puckerbutt.

Congratulations, you have made the hall of shame.

No, you got to stay for the kids.

They'll do anything to drive me out of here.

But you've lasted!

You can make the difference.

This family needs a change. Maybe it's you.

You think so?

No, not really.

But, hey, it's worth a shot.

So get tough. Hang in there. Suck it up.

I've been sucking it up.

Here. Have some more.

Thanks.

Wow. Imagine what he could do to your head.

Alex? Kate? I'm home.

We're in the gym, Dad!

Wait till he sees what we did.

Hi.

What happened?

We destroyed the bike, wrecked the room, and almost killed Sean.

Yeah! Are you going to punish us?

This is a new approach.

Well, what for?

Sean's fine, and there's nothing here that can't be fixed.

I got to make some calls.

What?

What?

Case closed. Now excuse me.

Excuse me, Mr. Mason.

You're not going to do anything?

No time to discuss this, Sean.

And you wonder why your kids are a mess.

You can't say that.

You don't know what it's like raising kids alone.

I feel sorry you lost your wife, Man, but if you can't give these kids what they need, get rid of them.

I guess he really doesn't care about us.

Okay.

All right.

Here we go. Okay.

Come on, Baby.

5... 9, 8, 7.

Holy...

It's okay I'll just clear this.

No problem. No problema.

4, 5, 6, uh...

9, 8, 7. That's the one.

Oh, jeez. Clear. It's okay.

Damn it! He's changed the combination.

This is becoming tiresome, Frank.

I'll do it again.

I'm beginning to get a headache.

Aah, aah, ahh, aah, aah!

Ow! Jeez!

Wolfgang.

Stupid!

Very stupid!

Now I'm getting a migraine!

Do not worry, Herr Thanatos.

It's empty, Frank.

Why am I not surprised?

Uh, He.. He.. He..

He must have taken it with him.

This was not my idea.. Your plan, Sir.

Great. Now the cops are going to be here.

You, with the vest, can you give me a little love pat right here?

With pleasure.

No, no, Wolfie, it's okay.

Oh, my head!

Oh, my head!

The pressure!

The pressure!

Ahh, ahh...

The pressure. The pressure.

Mason, where you going?

We were looking for you.

Gee. Is it 3:00 already?

Shut up, Dweeb.

Alex, we missed you this morning.

Didn't you hear us calling?

Oh, was that you guys?

Hand it over.

I spent my money on lunch!

Ow!

Mason, Mason. You weren't straight with us.

That'll cost you 50 bucks.

Then we can be friends again.

I hate bullies.

You'll only make it worse.

How often does this happen?

Just once a day.

What a wimp.

You said it.

Don't say a word. He's very sensitive.

Hey, Weenie, want Sean to kick their butts?

Shut up!

See? I told you he's sensitive.

Alex, I saw what happened back there.

Mind your own business!

I can show you how to defend yourself.

Can it, Mr. babysitter!

I don't want your stupid help!

Frank...

I'm glad you're out of the hospital.

(Mumbling)

So, who were they?

(Mumbling)

Did you get a look at them?

(Mumbling)

Did you?

Obviously, they're after the chip.

I'll have to move up the Washington trip tonight.

I'll leave tonight.

Oh, what?

"I'll...

"Make...

Arrangements."

Oh, thank you, Frank.

Thank you.

I'm.. I'm.. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I hope you feel better.


Wait.

You didn't have to be so mean.

First you heat them up, then you cool them down.

Just what are you up to?

Oh, nothing much, just 50 gallons of FD&C Red Dye Number 2.

Oh, Alex, not the pit of blood.

Naturally. What's the big deal?

It's just maybe we've done enough, that's all.

And he's really not that bad.

All nannies are bad.

It's in the job description.

He's not a nanny.

Look, I'll make a deal with you.

If he survives the pit of blood, I'll call a truce.

Well... Promise?

Promise. But I'll need your help.

Deal?

Come on.

Let's throw the compost heap in this time.

I'll get the seaweed.

Ohh!

What'd you do that for?

For making a mess, Porky!

You could've just asked me to clean it up.

Sure, but where's the fun in that?

Help, Sean! Help me!

Ignore it.

I wouldn't lift a finger to help those brats.

Help, Sean! I can't swim!

Oh, my God!

Sucker.

I'm coming!

Hold on!

Oh, no, you don't! You little bast..

One bolt less, and I'd have miscalculated his inertial torque.

But genius prevailed.

Now all he needs is two horns, a pitchfork, and a tail.

That...

Is... It!

Aah!

See ya.

That's it! I've had it!

From now on, you're going to act right, 'Cause I ain't leaving!

Told you so.

Shut up! I don't care for your tone!

Sit down!

You.. You don't have to go ballistic!

Yes, I do!

No more games or tricks!

You'll sit till I tell you to get up!

Sit down!

Ohh!

Oops. Trip wire.

Aah!

And the flour.

I mean it!

Night, Harry.

Are you okay? What happened?

Nothing I couldn't handle.

I see.

Anyway, I'm glad you're still here, especially after our talk last night.

I'm doing my job.

Good. There was a break-in at the plant.

I want to double security for 48 hours while I'm out of town.

Okay. I'll call my boss.

Fine. Where are the kids?

Hi, Alex. Hi, Kate.

We're being punished.

I can see that.

What did you do?

I got mad.

Well, I mean, it's all right if they hate you because you're not their father.

As long as you're fair, they'll respect you.

I know my kids. They don't respect anybody.

Okay, you can get up.

Oh, thank you, Sir.

Thank you, Sir.

I guess I was wrong.

Oh, yes, thank you, Sir.

Your Immenseness.

Mr. Sean Armstrong, Sir, king among men.

God among mortals.

Créme de la créme.

What? so you couldn't handle it by yourself, huh?

Get off!

Give... Me... The phone!

What? Nothing, nothing.

Come on!

Never felt better.

Just a little interference on the line.

See you tomorrow.

Get out of here! Take it! Take it!

♪ Everybody say bad, bad, bad ♪

♪ Is how you gotta be ♪

♪ To face this crazy, mixed-up world like ♪

♪ You're supposed to be... ♪ Are you going to be in here long?

Yep. Plenty of room for two.

♪ Don't have to be rude ♪

♪ Don't have to be crude ♪

♪ All you really got to have ♪

♪ Is attitude, attitude... ♪ You know, uh, most people lift the weights.

I knew that.

Yeah.

Look, if you're getting ready for a fight, all you need is attitude, not muscles.

That's easy for you to say when you're the size of a redwood.

Hey, I was a big kid, but I got whupped every day.

My old man never taught me to take care of myself.

How'd you get them to stop beating on you?

I graduated.

Oh.

Then this little guy Burt taught me attitude.

And the rest is history.

Okay teach me.

Please.

Feet apart.

Weight forward.

No. try again. You're too tight.

Remember.. Loose, but ready.

Okay loose, but ready.

Got it.

Attaboy.

No. Somebody swings, you're dead.

Drop your hands by your side, relax your shoulders.

I just feel a little awkward.

I know, but nobody else will.

Remember...

You're bad!

I'm bad.

Yeah.

I'm bad!

I'm super bad!

I'm badacious!

All right!

Yeah!

Bad!

♪ Attitude, Dude ♪ Wait a minute. Where are you going?

♪ In my bed ♪

♪ About to sleep ♪

♪ I had a dream... ♪

♪ Some kids dream of fortune and fame ♪

♪ Some kids dream... ♪ Daddy?

It's just me.

I can't sleep.

Do whatever you did last night.

I couldn't sleep then, either.

You must have slept sometime.

Yeah.

Sure.

When my mommy was here...

Before she went to heaven.

Oh.

You know...

I lost my dad when I was a kid.

But I don't think he went to heaven.

You mean he went to...

Oh.

Mommy used to sing me a song.

Could you sing it to me?

I don't know those kind of songs.

I could teach it to you.

♪ Speed, Bonnie Boat ♪

♪ Like a bird on the wing ♪

♪ "Onward," the sailors cry ♪

♪ Carry the lad ♪

♪ Who was born to be king ♪

♪ Over the sea to Skye ♪ Hey, wake up!

I'm awake.

Then sing.

I got a terrible voice.

Sing!

All right.

But I got to sing my own song.

♪ Twinkle, twinkle ♪

♪ Little star ♪

♪ How I wonder what you are ♪

♪ Up above the world so high ♪

♪ Like a diamond in the sky ♪

♪ Twinkle, twinkle ♪

♪ Little star ♪

♪ How I wonder what you are ♪

♪ Up above the world so high... ♪

Frank, what are you doing here?

(Mumbling)

"Extra security."

Good, good. Is Harry in the limo?

(Mumbling)

"Harry is sick."

You know, that's odd.

Usually, Harry calls me himself.

(Mumbling)

Oh, your anticipation is impressive.

"Blew his lunch in the garage."

Okay. I'll get my bags.

It worked.

You have to kiss Dolly.

I don't kiss dollies.

You're going to wake me up!

Don't tell anybody I did that.

Dolly likes you. Would you take care of her for the night?

No way.

What?

All right. All right.

♪ Every night ♪

♪ As I lay here sleeping ♪

♪ Dream dad ♪

Sean.

Uh... Let me see the doll.

What, you want to kiss her, too?

What?

Oh, you mean for Kate.

It sure wasn't for me.

Sean, I didn't get a chance to say goodbye, so could you tell the children I love them?

Why don't you tell them?

You mean right now?

You got something more important to do?

Yes, as a matter of fact, I..

No, I don't.

Good. But don't forget, this may be where it starts, but it ain't where it ends.


Sean, I was thinking we could..

Oh, hi, Dad.

What are you doing here?

I'm saying good night. Is that so surprising?

Well, frankly, yes.

Gee, my old workplace looks great with your inventions on it.

You know, I really miss it.

I can't make up for the past, but I'm going to change, Alex. I promise.

I can help if you just listen to me once in a while.

Okay?

I love you, Alex.

I love you, too.

Mr. Mason?

Sorry to bother you, but I'm supposed to take care of Dolly tonight.

Well, take very good care of her.

You bet.

Yeah.

Sean...

Thanks for everything.

Katie?

I love you, Katie.

Again.

I love you, Katie.

I've never stopped loving you.

I love you, Daddy.

He missed the turn to the airport. Driver!

Sit back. Enjoy the ride.

Herr Thanatos has planned a full evening for you.

Thanatos? Is.. Is that the sicko who's been..

Oh, God.

Oh, Frank! Frank! Don't just sit there. Frank!

Frank!

(Mumbling)

"I work for Mr. Thanatos."

How could you do that?

Money? You fool!

He'll get rid of you the moment you've outlived your usefulness!

"Ha!"

(Mumbling)

Aah!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm coming.

I said I was coming.

Oh!

Mama!

How would you like that cane up your nose?

Sean!

Hey, Burt.

Hey, great to see you, too, Old Buddy.

Hey, give me 20 bucks for the cabbie, quick.

Hey.

Keep the change.

Gee... A whole quarter.

A quarter!

Give me that.

This ain't Christmas.

Ha ha! So, who's the babe?

Corinne, meet my pal Burt.

Ooh, the Dynamic Duo.. Wimpy and Gimpy.

She's in a good mood today.

Who's this?

Alex, Kate. Burt Wilson.

Ah, the brats.

You're too old for a bodyguard.

You're too little to have such a big mouth.

I hope you're giving us a golden-age discount, Gramps.

Kids, show some respect.

Burt saved my life.

That's right. Took a bullet right here for this guy, nicked an artery.

You should've seen the blood pumping out.

Kaploom! kaploom! Kaploom! Nearly hit the ceiling.

Eww!cool!

A long time ago, this creep named Tommy Thanatos, he tried to get me and Burt to rig a prestigious sporting event.

The world series?

Close. Anyway, me and Burt refused.

Thanatos lost a lot of money.

And then after the event...

Ahh. Nice match, Champ.

Now we can pay the hotel and get your clothes back.

You sure know how to take the glow off winning.

I ordered you to throw that match.

You've cost me money.

Big money!

Bigger than your hair?

We don't throw matches.

That's right.

If you was soaked in gasoline, we might throw matches.. The flaming kind.

With that furball on your head, you'd make one hell of a torch.

First you defy me, then you mock my hair?

You're dead!

Look out!

Aah!

Get him!

Get out of my way!

Ohh! stop!

He's mine!

I'll cut you down to size!

Whaaa!

Must have hit him pretty hard.

He landed head first in the hotel swimming pool next door.

Must have made a killer splash.

No. The pool was empty.

It would've killed him, but his hair cushioned the fall.

At least he got a metal plate in the slammer.

Wow. you really did save his life.

What can you do now, Pappy?

What can I do now?

Ha!

Hyah!

Okay. He'll do.

I'll take you to class.

No way. I want to see Alex get whupped.

Alex, did Sean share his invincible psych-out technique with you?

Yeah.

Forget it. Us little guys need backup.

Primitive, but effective. Like me and Sean.

Thanks, but I'm fine.

I know. I know. Too bloody.

You want something more subtle. Blackjack!

One good bop. His brain's all over the sidewalk.

No, really. I'm fine.

Too messy, I know. Okay.

How about a little mace in the face, huh?

They'll be puking.

No.

All right. Last resort.

Classic lead pipe.

Good for one-on-one or as a weapon of mass destruction.

Thanks, Burt, but I'm covered.

Okay. Suit yourself.

Hey... Richie Rich got smart.

Figures we'll be nicer if we don't have to chase him.

Right, Alexander? Wrong!

What? You heard me!

No more money!

I guess we'll have to leave you alone then.

No hard feelings.

Give me your wallet, Twerp.

That's not fair.

He's got to do it on his own.

Did mommy put this on a string so Alex wouldn't lose any more money?

Don't talk about my mother!

What are you going to do?

Let's get out of here!


The sides even this time?

Yes, Sir.

Excellent!

90 seconds, Herr Thanatos.

Oh, all right. Raise him.

Oh, I do enjoy a good round of torture as much as the next fellow.

I truly do.

But time is pressing.

The chip, Mr. Mason, I must have it.

I have spent years of my life on that Peacefinder.

I'm not about to turn it over to some psycho!

Oh, let's not engage in name-calling.

I am just a businessman... Like you.

My work is my life.

Of course...

Some days are more satisfying than others.

Let's cut to the chase.

Everyone has a price. Name yours.

Forget it!

Oh, my mistake.

I thought you were a reasonable man.

But no, you won't even negotiate.

So I'll name your price.

Alex Jr. and Kate.

You pig! You pig! You pig!

Judging by your response, I should've done this a long time ago.

Do you want one lump or two?

There's nothing in there.

It's called pretend.

Well, then, I'll take two.

Now you've spilled it.

I'm really sorry.

I'm nothing but a big klutz.

Always have been.

All the other kids made fun of me.

You don't have to be that way.

I could teach you.

Really?

Sure.

But you got to do everything I say.

Try again. Thumb and forefinger.

And get that pinkie up!

Well! Mmm!

Ha ha ha!

Hey, hey.

A little of this.

That is an insult to the chef.

Maybe the chef needs a little spice.

Maybe you'd like a ketchup bottle down your throat.

The sexual energy is so thick in here, I could cut it with a knife.

Maybe I'm too young for this conversation.

That's a smart boy.

Reminds me of me when I was a kid.

Except he's smart, rich, and good-looking.

True. But I still got time. Huh?

Mm-hmm.

No ponytails.

Just trust me on this.

You should've seen the flames shoot out of that sucker.

And I used to think all you Einsteins were weenies.

It's fairly basic.

Whoa! What have we here?

An electrified toilet seat. Sheer brilliance.

It's nothing. Really.

But it does complement the Poison Ivy Toilet Paper.

Oh, ho ho. And you say you aren't a genius?

Ha ha ha.

Why don't you guys carry guns?

I lost my license.

Can't you get it back?

Once you shoot the examiner in the foot, it gets a lot tougher.

Any two-bit weenie can carry a gun.

That don't make you tough.

Tough is taking on a fight you can't win.

Tough is getting kicked in the head and asking for more.

Tough is a 300-pound man in tights.

Keep the back straight.

Make the arms a bow.

Now bend.

Burt.

Lovely to see you.

You look positively effervescent.

May I offer you tea?

Perhaps a watercress sandwich?

Knock it off!

Get out of that thing!

Oh! you mean my leotard?

Ah... The ballet.

It enhances grace.

I'm a changed man.

Aah!

Hey! Put me down, you klutz!

I'm not a klutz anymore.

Oh!

He's not as far along as I thought.

Darn! I jetéd when I should've pliéd.

I used to share a hotel room with you?

Don't move!

Take cover!

Oops!

Hah! Look at the big girlie-man.

What do you want, Scuzzbucket?

We have come to play with the children.

Over my dead body.

Make that two dead bodies.

First one to move gets a face lift.

Ohh!

You dirtbag!

Why, you miserable..

Shut up!


And now it is my turn, ja?

Hit the alarm.


Here! Take my wallet!

There's 10 grand.

(Japanese)

Auf Wiedersehen.

Help us! Aah! Aah!

Help! Aah!

Somebody help us!

Help! Let me down!

Quiet, children!

Your well-being rests in my hands now.

Any more noise, just shoot them.

What about him?

Business before pleasure.

Daddy! Dad!

Kate! Alex! Did they hurt you?

Not yet!

You bastard!

Doodyhead!

Scumsucker!

Burt?

Burt Wilson?

What a delightful bonus.

Thanatos! I should've known.

Who else would kidnap little children?

Thanatos?

So that's what happened to his head.

Cool!

Who's that?

That's Sean's friend Burt.

Sean Armstrong?

My, my... Imagine..

Revenge and ill-gotten wealth all in one night.

I'm positively tingling.

So who goes first?

Don't you touch them.

You can have the chip, but first you've got to let them go.

You're hardly in a position to negotiate.

However...

Once I have it, you and your family may leave.

But not Burt!

He cost me my hair.

I had beautiful hair.

Thick...

Lustrous...

Manageable hair.

You are going to die a slow and agonizing death.

You ever consider going to an auto-parts store and getting a bumper guard for that chrome?

Why, you!

Kidnapping children, hitting an old man...

You really come up in the world.

Shut up! I'm getting a headache!

Don't wig out! I couldn't hair y.. Aah!

Shut up! Shut up!

Now, where is it?

Before I change my mind!

Well, it's right..

It's right in Sean's room!

Alex. You rat.

I think there's hope for this family yet.

Roger, Unit 32.

Do you mind?

Yeah. Could be a ransom call.

Then fetch your lieutenant.

I am the lieutenant.

God save us all.

Hello. Mason Residence.

All right.

Hold on.

It's for you.

Alex.

Go ahead. It's me.

Lieutenant! Want a nice, fresh doughnut?

The toilet seat?

We hid the chip inside, on my workbench, next to my wallet.

Bring it to the 3rd Street Dock.

You have to come alone.

It's Thanatos!

Alex!

Very stupid!

You take a swan dive into an empty pool, and I'm stupid?

I'm so proud of you.

Oh, how touching.

Like the family I never had and... Never wanted!

Wolfgang, tie them up.

Wait! No!

No! No! No!

I'm going after them.

How? You're just a wrestler.

What? Who told you?

I saw you wrestle Trick McGraw last year.

Why didn't you say something?

Because I was desperate for those kids.

And I had a gut feeling about you.

I got to go. I've got no choice.

You bring that family back safe, or you will have to answer to me.

You might as well bring that scroungy, bullheaded old gasbag back, too.

I'll go get them.

Cover me.

I'm going out Alex's window.

Lieutenant!

Let me tell you what happened.

Now, they broke in here...

What's he doing? What's going on?

I ought to blow you away.

Sorry. Got to get those brakes checked.

Get up.

Easy. All I'm carrying is a wallet.

Base to Scarab-1. What is your location?

Why do you not answer?

Aah!

Okay, Captain Scumbucket. Where am I going?

Blow it out your.. Aah!

North!

Knew you'd see it my way.


As soon as we have the chip, kill them all.

You lied.

So sue me.

Which way?

That way.

How many number 53 markers are there in Biscayne Bay?

One, obviously.

Then why did we pass it twice?

Uhh.

I'll kill you for that.

May I borrow your keys?

Huh?

Waah!

Adios.

Hey!

Bingo.

They're coming in.

The anticipation is almost too much to bear.

So is your breath.

Now we know who's the first to die.

They should be here by now.

Hey! What?

Aah!

Base to Scarab-1.

What is taking so long?

Why do you not answer?

Come in.

I won't tolerate ineptitude.

Keep trying.

Come in.

Come in.

Ach, there must be something wrong.

Freeze!

My, my, I expected a more dramatic entrance from a man who wrestled at the West Memphis Pork Pavilion.

Hey, we won in West Memphis.

But not tonight.

Hyah!

Hyah!

Aah!

Aah!

Hyah!

Hurry! Untie us!

Just shoot them both.

Grrr!

Grrr!

Aah!

Grraaahh!

Unlike you, Armstrong, I never lose.

Ha ha ha ha!

Now your friends can watch you die.

Ugh!

Ah ha ha ha ha!

No!

Save him!

Get him, Dad! Help him!

Dad!

Aah!

I hate you! I hate you!

Let him.. Let him go!

Let him go!

Aah!

You shouldn't have done that.

Why not?

'Cause you shouldn't have hit a kid.

Uhh!

Alex, the button.

Swine!

Aah!

(German)

Hang out, Wolfie, Baby.

One move, and I will destroy the chip.

There's no chip in there, Dorkbrain.

You lied.

So sue me!

Grrr!

Alex, duck!

You screwed up my hair.

Now it's payback time.

I will not be denied my pleasure.

He's going to kill him.

Do something, Daddy.

A transformer!

We can generate electricity.

Intense! A superconducting magnetic beam!

Like we did to Miss Callahan?

What?

The nanny with the braces.

Hit it!

Aah!

Uhh!

Now you die.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

No more.

It's not working, Dad!

We need a conductor!

Come on, Son, hurry!

Quick! Quick! Quick!

Grab that end!

Need a hand?

Okay, lift it up.

Grrr!

Grrr!

Hit the deck!

Aah!

Whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa! Whoa!

Stop this thing!

Whoa!

This beats the 4th of July.

He's toast.

Aah!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Wow!

Man really blew his top.

So where's the stupid chip?

Kate has it.

Do not.

Yes, you do, Honey, right here in your Dolly.

Sure about this?

I don't need her anymore.

You're a brave man.

You're the brave one.

Raising kids is the toughest gig I know.

Ahem.

Hey, Burt, thanks for getting me out of the ring.

I'm going to need a partner around here.

Thanks, but I haven't had a vacation since...

Since I met you.

Vacation? If you need me, I can get out of this monkey suit real quick.

How far can you get on two broken legs?

Quit mothering me.

I love you guys.

We love you, too.

See you soon.

Maybe sooner than you think.

Bye, Sean.

Hey, you're going to..

We're going to make him stay.

♪ Rough stuff ♪

♪ Rough stuff, rough stuff ♪

♪ Rough stuff, rough stuff ♪ Aah!

♪ When this job is over ♪

♪ I'm gonna settle down ♪

♪ I'll find a little shack ♪

♪ By the railroad track ♪

♪ On the outskirts of town ♪

♪ I'll plant a little garden ♪

♪ And watch the flowers grow ♪

♪ I'll tell this crazy, mixed-up world ♪

♪ I just don't want to know ♪

♪ But if trouble comes a-knockin' ♪

♪ Like it did before ♪

♪ I'll take that pest ♪

♪ Let him sit in my nest ♪

♪ And put his head right through the door ♪

♪ Rough stuff ♪

♪ Baby, gonna call your bluff ♪

♪ Rough stuff ♪

♪ The tough get goin' ♪

♪ When the goin' gets rough ♪

♪ Rough stuff ♪

♪ It won't be over till you had enough ♪

♪ Rough stuff ♪

♪ You ain't nothin' but a powder puff ♪

♪ Rough stuff ♪

♪ Rough stuff ♪

♪ Rough stuff ♪

♪ Rough stuff, rough stuff ♪

♪ Rough stuff ♪

♪ No average psychotic criminal genius ♪

♪ Makes a monkey out of me ♪

♪ 'Cause I got stuff when it gets rough ♪

♪ That you don't want to see ♪

♪ You know I am a lover ♪

♪ But, Baby, that ain't all ♪

♪ I'm a wild tiger ♪

♪ When my back's against the wall ♪

♪ You think that you're a hunter ♪

♪ And I will be your game ♪

♪ But your game is lost ♪

♪ You gotta pay the cost ♪

♪ I'm one cat you can't change ♪

♪ Rough stuff ♪

♪ Baby, gonna call your bluff ♪

♪ Rough stuff ♪

♪ The tough get goin' ♪

♪ When the goin' gets rough ♪

♪ Rough stuff ♪

♪ It won't be over till you had enough ♪

♪ Rough stuff ♪

♪ You ain't nothin' but a powder puff ♪

♪ Rough stuff ♪

♪ Rough stuff ♪

♪ Rough stuff ♪

♪ Rough stuff, rough stuff ♪

♪ Rough stuff ♪

♪ I just wanna go fishin' ♪

♪ In the deep blue sea ♪

♪ 'Cause I need a change from my reality ♪

♪ This world will beat you down ♪

♪ Beat you with a stick ♪

♪ You want an ice cream pop ♪

♪ They give you a boot to lick ♪

♪ I need some time ♪

♪ To sort out all this mess ♪

♪ I gotta be rough and ready ♪

♪ When they put me to the test ♪

♪ Rough stuff ♪

♪ Baby, gonna call your bluff ♪

♪ Rough stuff ♪

♪ The tough get goin' ♪

♪ When the goin' gets rough ♪

♪ Rough stuff ♪

♪ It won't be over till you had enough ♪

♪ Rough stuff ♪

♪ You ain't nothin' but a powder puff ♪

♪ Rough stuff ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Rough stuff ♪

♪ Ohh ♪

♪ Rough stuff ♪

♪ Ow ♪

♪ Rough stuff ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Rough stuff ♪

♪ Ohh ♪

♪ Rough stuff ♪

♪ Ouch ♪

♪ Rough stuff ♪

♪ Ohh ♪

♪ Ow ♪

♪ Rough stuff ♪

♪ Rough stuff ♪

♪ Rough stuff, rough stuff ♪

♪ Rough stuff ♪