Mr. Woodcock (2007) Script

Ha!


What is this?

Uh!

Good hands, Nedderman. Take a lap.

By itself, a basketball is just a round sack of air.

Like many of you.

But in the hands of someone properly trained... in its use and skilled in its art... this ball can do great things.

Oates, I can hear you wheezing from here.

Take a lap. Lose the asthma.

To survive outside these walls... you need more than just math and science.

The world does not stop... for people who can spell fancy words... or tell you the capital of Montana.

The capital of Montana, Watson?

Helena? Who cares? Take a lap.

The only thing that matters in this world, ladies, is strength.

Strength of body and strength of mind.

Now if you're not strong enough... by the time you leave these doors... you may as well give up and go home to your mommas.

Or grandma. Put your hand down, Lewis.

We all know your parents died. Give it a rest.

Oh! Pick up the pace, Nedderman.

Well, Farley, it looks like you forgot your gym clothes again.

No, sir, somebody...

It's a rhetorical question, Farley.

What? It's a rhetorical question.

That means you don't have to answer it.

Because either I already know the answer... or I don't care what your answer is.

You see, in my class, Farley... everyone is required to wear regulation gym shorts and shirt.

Gutierrez, go get the rentals.

Start changing.

No, in line. What?

See, the locker room is reserved... for people who brought the appropriate attire.

You change here. It's OK, John. Be strong.

No talking, Nedderman. 10 laps.

Take Wheezy with you.

Come on, let's go.

The rentals, Farley, that's 25 cents.

But somebody stole my... l... I didn't ask you a question, Farley.

Not even a rhetorical one. Uh...

It seems to me that someone needs a lesson... in personal responsibility.

Not even one chin-up, Farley?

Can't hang on!

You are a disgrace to fat... gelatinous, out-of-shape little kids the world over.

I don't tolerate losers in my gymnasium.

Are you gonna be a loser? No, sir.

Rhetorical, Farley. I already know the answer.

Heads up, Nedderman.

Uh!

Don't you even think about letting go.

Uh!

You guys ready to let go? Yeah!

All right!

Mr. Farley? Oh, sure. How you doing?

All right, what's your name? Scott.

John, you don't have time for this.

Oh... Bye-bye.

I'm sorry, guys.

Keep letting go. John! John!

OK, now remember they're all potential stalkers.

Most want an autograph and a handshake... but some of them want an autograph and a handshake... and then they want to take you home, tie you up... and saw your feet off.

Well, hi there. John Farley.

Your book saved my life.

I didn't do anything. You did it.

All I did was give you the raft.

You had to inflate it yourself. Mm-hm.

Mr. Farley, I used to feel ostracized because of my weight.

But with your help I'm starting to get my self-confidence back.

Ha! That's a great story.

Why don't you check out the free coffee and donuts?

Oh!

By letting go, do you mean we should just forget everything?

My mom said he wouldn't drink so much... if he could just forget about that summer in Uncle Lou's house.

Well, we all have an Uncle Lou.

And we all drink for different reasons.

Long day.

I don't even think I can hold a pen anymore.

Let me give you the same advice I gave Nelson Mandela... on his last book tour.

Quit whining, you pussy.

That's helpful. You have no idea... the stuff that I am saving you from.

Some shithole in Nebraska wanted to give you... their corn husk bucket or something.

The Corn Cob Key?

Uh, is that what it is? l... I don't know. "The Forest...

"...Meadow Nebraska Chamber of Commerce...

"wishes to award Mr. John Farley the Corn Cob Key to the City."

Oh, my God. This is my hometown.

This is awesome. What did you tell them? I told them yes.

Really? No.

Why? Wait.

Maggie, the Corn Cob Key is a huge honor.

They hardly ever give it out anymore... but when they do it's the highlight of the whole cornival.

I'm sorry. Did you just say cornival?

Well, yeah. It's a farm town... so, you know, every year we have this big celebration.

Corn carnival. Cornival.

Cornival. Maggie, you don't understand.

My mom was Corn Cob Queen in 1970.

I mean, she still rides in the parade every year.

This will mean so much to her. Cornival?

You know what? Call them back.

I could fly in tomorrow and surprise her. It's perfect.

You would need a court order to make me go see my mom.

This is different. Since my dad died, I'm all she's got.

Oh, your dad's dead?

It's a major theme of my book.

The whole last chapter's about how I let go of that pain.

You haven't read my book, have you?

Well, there's no point now. You just ruined the ending.

Hi, John!

Welcome home, John. Ha ha ha!

Luke Jessop, uh, Forest Meadow Town Council.

We appreciate you taking time out of your busy schedule... to... to... to come home and see the little people.

Thank you. This is great.

It's an honor to be considered worthy of the Corn Cob Key.

Well, you've earned it, young...

Young man. We are mighty proud of you.

So on behalf of... of...

Well, of all of us, John...

Corn-gratulations! Ha ha ha!

...Famous award-winning corn chowder...

Johnny! Oh, my God, you're here! Hey!

How are you? Oh!

I heard your news and I tried to call you but now you're here!

I was flying in. I wanted to surprise you.

Oh! I am so proud of you. Thank you, Mom.

How's it going? Is the book tour good?

Yeah, it's good. Are you having fun?

Yeah, I'm happy. You look great.

Thanks. Yeah. You going somewhere?

Yeah. I have a date.

Really? Yeah.

A... Are you seeing someone? Yeah.

Oh, my God. That's fantastic. For how long?

5 months. What? Why didn't you mention it?

Oh, because you don't like to hear when I have a date.

Oh, well, so what's he like? Oh, he's great.

He's so handsome and he's... he's sweet and consid...

He's a gentleman. Oh, Mom, I'm so happy for you.

Thanks. I can't wait to meet him.

You know, you know him already. I do?

Yeah.

Mr. Woodcock?

Farley, I brought you some daisies.

Jasper! Sorry, I'm late, honey.

That's OK.

Uh, this is Johnny.

My son. Do you remember him now?

No.

But I've heard a lot. Hm.

It's not every day you get to shake hands with a celebrity.

Ha ha ha!

Uh, you ready for dinner? Mm-hm.

I don't know about you... but I've been thinking about meat all day long.

I can't believe you don't remember him.

He was the cutest kid.

About this high with his chubby little cheeks.

Mom. I had a lot of fat kids over the years.

Oh, he wasn't fat!

Wait a minute.

It's coming back to me.

You're not that kid that got the squirts... on the balance beam that time, were you?

Jasper. No.

Actually I remember you pretty well.

You kinda gave me a lot of personal attention back then.

Aw. Well, I take a healthy interest in the kids.

Serves them well later in life.

Oh, that's so true, that's so true. And that is why... they're making Jasper the Educator of the Year.

You're kidding! Why would she be kidding?

Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh! You know what I just realized?

Both of my fellas are being honored in the same week.

They're giving Johnny the Corn Cob Key.

You're kidding.

So I'm doing laps at the Y and he's in the next lane... and all of a sudden my leg seizes up and I go under.

It was a bad cramp. And if I remember correctly...

I think it was about...

Right here. Ha ha ha.

Ahem. So he saved your life, then?

Well, it was the shallow end.

You can drown in six inches of water.

That is so true. Hm.

Well, if you will excuse me...

I am going to, uh, the ladies room.

You boys behave yourself.

So what's your book about?

Oh. Um... well, it teaches people how to release painful memories... so they can rebuild their self-esteem.

It's called Letting Go. How To Get Past Your Past.

I'm already past my past.

That's why it's called my past.

Well, some people find my book helpful.

Lot of losers out there, I guess.

Well, would you like an espresso, er, cappuccino...?

Um, a cup... Just the check.

Oh, OK.

Thanks, guys.

Um, my treat.

You're the guest. I'll take care of it.

No, really, it's fine.

I can afford it.

So you're saying I can't?

No, of course not.

Well, then, why don't you take your own advice and, uh, let go?

Thank you, Jasper. That is so sweet.

Johnny, don't you have something to say?

Thank you.

Don't mention it.

Ha ha ha. I swear to God it's true.

No, no, no. No. No. Thank you, honey.

No, I don't believe you. You did not beat Santa Claus up.

Stop it. I was 7 years old at the time.

And some kids at school told me that there's no Santa Claus.

Uh-huh?

Well, on Christmas Eve when I come downstairs... and see some guy messing around under the Christmas tree...

I go to my dad's closet... and get a three wood... Oh, no!

And next thing you know, Uncle Bob's in the hospital.

No! Oh, poor Uncle Bob.

Ate the entire Christmas dinner through a straw that year.

No! Yeah.

What a great story.

Well, I guess we'd better call it a night.

It's good to see you, Mr. Woodcock.

Well, I guess I could let you have her for one night, Farley.

Probably good for the old hip flexor... to take a night off anyway, huh?

Jasper! Ha ha ha! Yeah.

That was a fun night. Come on, you guys!

You guys! Ooooohhhhhh! Mmmm!

I'll call you tomorrow, honey. OK.

Farley. Yep.

Mr. Woodcock.

And he is just so easy to be with.

Last month... we went camping.

You hate camping. I know!

I mean, it was just the 2 of us for 3 days... and it was heaven.

Ha ha ha. It was great.

Wow.

Johnny, um... this is really the first guy since your father... that... has felt right.

I'll get you some milk.

Oh! Look what I've got.

Chocolate, please.

I had a lot of fat kids over the years.

This is Johnny. A lot of fat kids.

Remember him now?

No. A lot of losers out there, I guess.

Arrgh!

Probably good for the old hip flexor... to take a night off anyway, huh? Ha ha ha!


When did you get here?

About 10 minutes after you said good night to me.

Not even one chin-up, Farley?

You are a disgrace to fat... gelatinous, out-of-shape little kids the world over.

Can I get a glass of water, please? Sure.

Son of a bitch!

I'm sorry. John Farley?

Nedderman? I can't believe it's really you!

I've read your book like 900 times... and I'm not just saying this... it's totally changed my life!

Really? That's great, man.

Hell, yeah. I work here full-time... and also I'm starting my own pool cleaning business.

All I've got so far is a van but... but at least it's a start, right?

Well, every journey has to start somewhere.

Chapter 2. You're totally right.

Totally right.

Can you believe it? The Woodcock pan pizza?

What's next, the Hitler calzone?

Yeah, well, you're never gonna believe this.

Mr. Deepdish is dating my mom.

Woodcock? He's doing your mom?

Wait. I wouldn't say doing... Hear that, Mitch?

Woodcock's slamming his mom!

You don't have to announce it. Hey, guys!

Check it out. Woodcock's stuffing this dude's mom.

Woodcock's pounding your mom?

Hey, hey, guys, come on. Show a little respect.

How would you feel if Woodcock was porking your mom?

Woodcock's porking your mom!

Woodcock's porking your mom! Hey, shut your trap... or you're not getting that cheesy bread!

I want my cheesy bread!

Then shut up!

Keep your mouth shut and you get your cheesy bread, all right?

I'm sorry about that. You want a slice on the house?

Sausage and onion. Extra sauce, right?

No, I don't really eat that stuff anymore.

Yeah, yeah, l... l... I'd probably lose my appetite too... if Woodcock was giving it to my mom.

The guy is pure evil.

You know he killed Oates?

What? Yeah.

Remember, Woodcock used to make Oates do, like, 6 miles... every day after school?

The guy had bad asthma, dude, you can't just run through that.

Holy shit. Well, when did he die?

A couple of years ago. But it was all Woodcock.

Ah...

Man, look, we can't blame Woodcock for Oates's choices.

Oates coulda stopped running, right?

When you make a blame sandwich... you gotta be prepared to eat it yourself.

Chapter 10. You're totally right.

So what are you gonna do?

I think it's time Woodcock and I had a talk.

The shortest distance between 2 people...

Communication.

God, you must get so laid.

Farley, pass the ball.

Not even one pull-up, Farley?

Are you gonna be a loser, Farley?

I don't tolerate losers in my gymnasium.

Now, before we begin our exploration of wiffleball...

I think a little equipment check is in order.

Well, Dunningham?

Spread 'em, Dunningham.

That's OK. I don't need to see the cup, Dunningham.

Keep it in your pants.

You see, ladies, it's important that you come prepared to class.

Because when we're prepared... then we're ready to face life's challenges.

Well, Farley, let's see whether or not you came prepared today.

Spread 'em.

Excuse me. Do you have a visitors' pass?

Tracy Dettweiler?

John Farley? Wh... You remember me?

Well, yeah, you're famous!

What are you doing here?

Oh, gee... what are you doing here?

Oh, l... I teach English.

Wow. Ha ha ha!

I really wish I had you as an English teacher.

I would have paid way more attention in class.

Ha ha ha! Wait a minute. What year were you in again?

Uh, same as you, actually.

Really? Yeah. I was...

I was actually your 7th grade lab partner.

Wait. Fat John?

No way! Fat John! Yeah.

Yep, I was fat.

Ha ha ha!

Wow, you've changed a lot.

Yeah. Thank you.

You're welcome. A... And they're giving you the Corn Cob Key.

I mean, that's amazing. Nah, it's nothing.

Don't be modest. l... l... I love your book.

I mean, you totally deserve the award.

Wh... Really? Yeah.

Wow, thank you. Mm.

Say, listen, what are you doing tonight? Do you want to, uh... um... uh, a drink or go out for dinner or something?

I'd... love to but l... I can't.

I've got cheerleading practice.

That's awesome. No!

I'm the coach now.

Oh, oh. Yeah.

Um, h... here's my number.

Call me.

I will. OK. Bye.

Bye.

God, I'm so glad I wrote that book!

According to my syllabus... we should be well into wrestling by now.

But because of your lack of focus... we've yet to get past the fundamentals of kickball.

Kreamer, first rule of Bunting.

Um, do... don't...

There is no Bunting in kickball, Kreamer.

Set of ten.

Henderson, is there a reason why your shoe is untied?

Um... You see on the kickball field... a screw-up like that can put you in a wheelchair.

You'll end up writing your name... with a pencil taped to your head... the rest of your life. Set of ten.

Until you learn the basics of any sport... you cannot participate in it... let alone excel in it.

What are you doing in my class?

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt.

Well, you did. Set of ten.

What? It was a joke.

What do you want? Maybe I should just come back.

Maybe you should spit it out now... so I don't have to explain to their parents... why they didn't graduate on time.

Well, I've just been feeling... like there's been some tension between us.

Like at dinner, with the check, and uh...

I guess I just wanted to say... that some of that might have been my fault.

I'm sorry, he seems to be in pain.

Who? Him!

He's fine. Kreamer, off your knees.

Well, he doesn't look fine.

Listen, I have a class to teach... so why don't you get to your point, if you've got one?

I guess I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

And I'm sure for your part you're a little sorry too.

I don't do sorry. What?

Sorry is for criminals and screw-ups and I'm neither one.

Get up, Henderson.

Not you, Kreamer.

Now, if you don't mind... these children are in need of an education.

Schwartz, you better fight your way... past that stutter of yours... and tell me about the pop fly rule as it pertains to kickball.

W... Well, it... it...

It...

When... S... s... s... s... s... s... s... set of ten.

Fine. My mom wants to date that asshole, she can go right ahead.

Chapter 12. Never interfere in other people's lives.

I don't think Mr. Woodcock's right for you.

Really? Yeah.

He's, um... well, the truth is, he's not a very nice person, Mom.

He isn't? Do you remember when I used to... come home crying every day after school?

You were so sensitive.

That's why you're so good at what you do.

It's not about being sensitive, Mom.

He made all of us miserable.

Sweetheart, you just hated anything athletic.

You can't blame Jasper for that.

You don't know him like I do.

And you don't know him like I do.

He touched me. What?

OK, that's not true.

But he's mean, and he's cruel.

Mom, I'm telling you, he's still...

He's still what?

He's still teaching gym.

Oh! What'd you bring me? Dinner.

Sorry I'm late. Had a long day. Got a little behind.

Wow. Jasper grills the best beef in Nebraska.

Well, I am known for my meat.

You only got 2 though, sweetie.

I'm sorry. I guess it must have slipped my mind.

John, you don't mind running to the store, do you?

No.

Take your time.

"I'm known for my meat!"

"I'm known for my meat."

Actually, you're not known for your meat, Woodcock.

You're known for emotionally crippling... an entire generation of children.

Dickhead!

Mom.

Sweetheart.

What's wrong?

Jasper and I are no longer dating.

Oh.

That's so sad.

What happened?

We're engaged.

Oh.

Have we heard a congratulations yet?

Oh, I think he's in shock.

That's so good.

Oh, I'll get it.

I wanna start spreading the news.

Mm.

Ha ha ha.

Hello?

Well, it looks like I'm gonna be your new dad.

Come on, Johnny. Stay, help us celebrate.

Sorry, Mom. Book tour emergency.

I have to get to the airport.

You haven't eaten. l... I'll grab something on the way.

I love you, Mom. It's great to see you.

I love you too.

Farley.

Be safe.

Eenie, meanie, miney...

Farley.

There's no truer test of the human spirit... than wrestling.

That's called a takedown.

Get up, Farley.

There are many kinds of takedowns.

Today, we're going to cover some of my favorites.

This is called the head and arm.

This is called the single leg sweep.

You step and you sweep!

This is called the fireman's throw.

Shoot the crotch, collapse the hip and sling shot.

OK, Farley, you're up.

What?

Put me on the mat.

Come on. You were paying attention, weren't you?

Let's go.

OK, take me down.

You see there is no reason why even a little porker like this... shouldn't be able to take me straight to the mat.

I once saw a 4-foot Laotian... twist a 250lb Swede so hard... that he mopped the bleachers with his blood.

The only reason I'm still standing... is because you don't believe in yourself, Farley!

You don't believe in yourself!

Stop the cab! Stop!

Don't believe in myself, my ass!

I invented believing in yourself.

No way in hell this guy's gonna run me out of my own house.

Wow. Woodcock's still plowing your mom, huh?

He's marrying her.

Wait, Woodcock's marrying your mom?

Ha ha ha. Dudes!

Don't even think about it!

Get me a pitcher!

What is that, Canadian bacon?

So I guess the talk didn't go very well?

God, can you imagine my family with Woodcock in it?

A tie for Christmas, Farley? Set of ten!

You didn't eat your vegetables? Take a lap.

You call that a grandchild? Rhetorical question, Farley.

That sucks. What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna kill Woodcock.

And you're gonna help me. John.

I've already got 2 strikes and I can't be a part of...

I'm just venting here. Is that OK? Is it OK if a guy vents?

Yeah, sure, because I thought you were serious.

Ha! I've got it. I'm gonna break them up.

How are you gonna do that?

You see, I made a mistake before.

I let him take me out of my game.

But this time, I'm gonna get inside his head... and spin him like a top.

That's good. I don't remember anything like that in your book.

It's not in my book, Nedderman.

Hello. Hey, John.

How's my favorite author? Hey, Maggie.

Hold on a second.

OK, Mommy time's over.

But don't be sad.

Yeah, uh, actually, I gotta talk to you about that.

I know you have some kind of corn chowder thing on Sunday... but look, I have amazing news. Oprah... is seriously considering your book for the book club.

It's unbelievable. I have you on a 9:30 flight out... and then I'll meet you on the connecting flight in St. Louis.

Maggie, I can't.

It's a long story but l... I can't. Knock it off!

You can't what? I can't make it to Chicago.

My mom needs me. She's about to marry the Antichrist.

Look, I don't care if your granny's on fire.

This is Oprah.

She farts on a book... and it magically sells a million copies.

Just get your ass on that plane!

Maggie, please, listen... Breaking up this phone call.

Get on... plane tomorrow.

Hey! Where are you going?

W... Wait! Tell me more about your wife!

Mom?

See, I made a mistake before. I let him take me off my game.

But this time I'm gonna get inside his head... and spin him like a top.

Spin him like a top.

Spin him like... Tickle machine!

No, no, no! Not a tickle machine. No!

Oh, oh, stop it!

Oh, Jasper, mind...

Who was that? I think someone's in the house.

Don't worry, I got it. Be careful.

Oh, shit!

No, no! Oh! Ow! Ow!

Ow, it's me! It's me! It's John!

Stop! Ow! Stop! It's John, man!

Oh! Johnny! What the hell, Woodcock?

Well, it was dark. Instinct took over.

What about when I said, "It's me! It's John!"

John's a very common name. There could be a burglar named John.

What burglar shouts out his own name?

I'm sure it was an accident, sweetie. l... um...

Honey, I thought you were in danger.

Oh.

Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Well, uh, J... John, what are you doing here?

I thought about it... and I just didn't want to disappoint you, Mom.

Aw, that is so sweet.

Are you sure you're all right? Yeah, I'm great.

All right, well, then, um... we'll see you in the morning. Great.

Come on, Jasper.

Farley.


So you really didn't know it was me last night?

Well, that's what happens... when you go sneaking around someone else's house.

What do you mean, someone else's house?

Well, last time I checked, chief... you don't live here anymore.

That's not the point.


Morning. Oh, no, sweetheart. Oh, my God. Sorry.

That is so rude. Don't do that.

Good morning. Good morning.

I love you. Oh, thank you.

Oh, I love you too.

I love you so much. Aww. Thank you.

He's the best.

Well, if it isn't the future Mrs. Woodcock.

Aww.

Mmmmm. Mmmmmm.

Mmmm! Ha ha!

Hey, Jasper. How about we spend the day together?

Get to know each other better, you know?

What a great idea. Yeah.

Actually, I have a lot on my plate today, John.

Oh, come on. We'll have fun.

Mmm! I'll take a rain check.

Honey.

I'm glad we're doing this.

Getting to know each other better... talking things out.

Conversation leads to inspiration, right?

That's from my book.

Ah, I'll get you a copy.

Look, I love my mom. We're very, very close.

Not in a weird way, of course. Just close.

Listen, we could be pals.

We could be guys that sit and watch foot...

...hanging loose at the gym. To me, this is what life is about.

Now, I'm not saying there's a problem here. I don't judge.

You guys have only known each other 5 months.

You've got your whole life ahead of you. You could be kids.

I don't know what you guys like to do... but it's just that's... that's what's important.

I'm just trying to tell you, don't rush, OK?

Don't rush your life.

You know?

Running your mouth doesn't count as exercise.

You gonna work out or what?


I think you'll survive.

You're not showering?

No, no. I'm good.

This is not France, Farley.

Maybe you don't mind smelling like a nut sack all day... but I gotta be in the car with you.

There are kids in Africa who'd kill for a shower.

Come on, Farley. Move it.

You called me Farley.

You used to call me that when I was in your class.

It's your name, isn't it?

You really don't remember me?

Well, with your innate athletic ability... it's hard to believe, huh?

Do you remember what...

Simply rub the solution on your teeth... wait a few moments and then rinse.

Morning, boys. Jasper, you old side-winder.

Come to get your ears lowered?

Hey, you look like you could stand... to have a little taken off the top, you damn hippy.

Well, looks like you could stand... to have a little taken off the middle, you fat son of a bitch.

Ha ha ha!

Hee hee hee.

You got an appointment?

No, sir. I'm with him. Sit down, Farley.

God knows you could use a little trim.

Ha ha ha! I don't know, Jasper.

You think that boy even knows what trim is?

Ha ha ha!

Sit down, Huckleberry.

Maybe clean up the back a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, Jasper. How's that hell cat of yours doing?

Yeah, she's keeping me young. Yes, she is.

In the sack. Ha!

Yeah, well, I'm gonna make an honest woman out of her.

Thought you woulda learned the first time.

Yeah, guess not.

You never told me you were married before.

Yeah, well, I never told you about my kidney stones either. So what?

Whoa! What are you doing?

Well, don't have a hissy fit, Nancy!

It's just a pair of clippers.

You knew they were gonna do that.

If you didn't want a haircut you didn't have to get one.

This is not Russia.

You're late, you fairy! How you doing, Dad?

All I do all day is watch Judge Joe Brown and piss myself.

How the hell do you think I'm doing?

Wait, you have a father?

Yes, Farley, I'm not Jesus.

Who is this genius? It's, uh, Beverly's kid.

Looks like he got a little retard in him.

Are you simple, boy?

Ha ha ha. So, Dad...

I'm getting married. Again?

So... Yes.

Didn't you screw that up enough the first time?

I'll give it 6 months. Oh, I'll outlive this marriage. And you!

How down on her luck must your momma be to marry a gym teacher?

She knows that he plays hopscotch for a living, right?

You think I'm funny, boy? No.

You want to wrestle me? Uh, no, thank you.

Come on, wrestle an old man!

Dad... Come on, cream puff!

My legs are as useless as your little pecker, but come on!

Dad, Dad... Come on!

I'm going to teach my class now. Do you want to go to the pool?

Water sports is for girls and sodomites!

Sodomites.

OK, I'll see you later, Dad.

Well, it was a pleasure. Beat it, fruitcake!

He seems like a really nice guy.

You want a shoe up your ass, Farley?

No.

Robinson, go dump a bedpan.

OK, let's move it.

Get those arms up!

Where's Palumbo?

Palumbo, are you crippled and deaf?

Into the pool!

Palumbo, don't push me.

I think his hearing aid is on the fritz.

I didn't ask you, did I, Weaver?

Well, no, I guess not.

Rhetorical question, Weaver. Take a lap.

Oh. I was just trying to help!

Don't you think you're being a little harsh with them?

They're just old, Farley. They're not pathetic.

They enjoy a challenge.

Move those legs.

I'm not gonna ask you again, Palumbo.

Lose the attitude.

Oh, you think this is funny?

All right, that's it, Palumbo. It's go time.

What the...

And Platts, don't think I'm not watching you.

You're not the first person in the world to get a hip replacement.

Pick up the pace!

OK, Palumbo, this is your last chance.

Oh, really? OK, we'll do it your way, then.

Whoa, whoa... Sink or swim, old man.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! No, no, no! Sink or swim!

Jesus, are you insane?

He doesn't need your help, Farley.

What the hell, man? Aah!

Sir, it's all right. I'm trying to help you.

I'm trying to save your life!

Oh!

Hm.

Jackass!

Nice job, Scardusio. Did you get any tongue?

No, but I get better suction without the choppers.

Makes sense.

Oh!

Come on, Farley, let's saddle up.

I'm waiting for my clothes to dry.

Hello? Hey, John.

I'm on an airplane heading for Chicago.

And you'll never guess who's sitting next to me.

Who? Nobody!

Now where is your ass and why isn't it in seat 2A?

Man, just hold on a second. I got another call.

Hello? I got your message, dude.

What's going on? Hey. Hold on.

You know, Mr. Woodcock, I'm just gonna get myself home.

Suit yourself, Farley. Just get some pants on.

This is not Miami.

Suddenly it makes sense.

Nedderman, Woodcock's been married before.

Now, I need you to find out who she is... and then pick me up at Alterman's.

Right. The nursing home?

Yeah, and bring me some underwear.

Some of mine?

Listen, Maggie. Hello?

Everything's going to shit right now, OK?

I'm sorry. I'll call you tomorrow.

No, John, don't hang...

Asshole!

Excuse me. Hi. Could I get a real bottle, please?

I'm an alcoholic, not a Barbie doll.

What happened to your head?

Just drive, Nedderman.

Her name is Sally Jensen.

Oh, good work! Let's go see her right now.

Why?

Well, think about it, Nedderman.

Who's more likely to have dirt on Woodcock than his ex-wife?

But in your book don't you say... digging up the past muddies up the present?

Yes, I do... but that's only true if the past... doesn't actually affect the present.

Think about it, Nedderman.

If I can learn something about Woodcock's past... that'll save my mom from future heartache in the future... then I don't really have a choice... but to address it in the present, right? l... Guess not.

Exactly.

Who is that?

That's my brother, Clark.

There it is.

Home of the former Mrs. Woodcock.

All right. I'm going in.

Nedderman, I need you to find more dirt on Woodcock, all right?

Think outside the box. See the challenge, focus on it... visualize, attack it and then reuse it, OK?

You got me? l... I won't let you down, John. I promise.

Thanks for the underwear. Sorry if they're big.

Hey, see if she has a pool!

Or a koi pond!

A fish tank?

Nedderman.

Sally Jensen?

Who are you?

Um, I'm John Farley.

Can I get you something to drink?

I think I have a clean glass around here somewhere.

No, I'm good, thanks.

I love your book.

Turned my life around.

Must be my lucky day.

Hometown hero in the flesh right here in my own living room.

What do you want?

I'm doing research... for my next book.

If you don't mind my asking, why did you divorce?

Why do you think?

Infidelity.

Over and over again.

Should have broke it off years earlier, but...

But what?

The sex was amazing. Oh.

I'm telling you, that man knows how to use... what the good Lord gave him.

Oh, right. Thanks for that.

Once, I actually blacked out.

Can you imagine blacking out from sheer pleasure?

Once I spoke Portuguese and I don't even know the language.

OK, I think that's enough. Ha ha ha.

Um, this has been very helpful... and disturbing all at the same time.

Why? Do you know Jasper?

Actually I do. Uh, he was a teacher of mine, years ago.

And, uh, he's marrying my mom.

Saw him last week at the coffee shop with her.

A big-titted, blonde tramp.

Sorry. No offense.

She looks awfully young to be your mom.

He's cheating on her. What?

Yup. He cheated on his ex-wife. That's why they got divorced.

Now he's doing the same thing to my mom... with some big-titted, blonde tramp.

So that's great. So... So we just gotta tell your mom now.

No, I can't just tell her.

She doesn't listen to me when it comes to Woodcock.

We need proof. No problem.

We've been working on some killer stuff on our end.

Good. Meet me at my place as soon as possible.

You wanted evidence, you got it.

It may not prove Woodcock's cheating... but it does prove he's a huge dick.

What happened to his eye?

Look, don't worry about him. He's fine.

When she sees this, man, she'll come to her senses.

No, Mr. Woodcock. Please don't hurt me again.

Aah!

Ha ha ha. Well?

You threw a chair at your brother?

Weren't you watching?

It wasn't me that threw the chair at him... it was Woodcock that threw the chair.

He said Woodcock. Woodcock threw that chair!

Honey? Hi, are you home?

Oh, look, that's so nice. You've got some friends over.

Hi, I'm John's mom.

Nedderman.

Nedderman.

You remember him? We were in the same class.

What happened to your head?

Woodcock doesn't deserve her.

Farley's mom is hot. I mean, yes, she's old and shit... but God, I just want to stick my face... between those great old titties and go, "Brrrrrrr!

"Brrrrr! Brrrrrrrr! Brrrrrrrrr!"

Nedderman, turn it off.

...titties and go, "Brrrrrrr!"

Big old... big old titties...

Big old titties...

Jasper. Brrrrrrrrr!

Jasper!

I meant that in the most respectful way possible.

Run!

Mrs. Farley!

You people are sick, Farley.

I barely know those guys, Mom. OK...

Well... Let's just pretend that never happened.

Johnny, are you all right?

Jasper said that he thought you seemed upset today.

Oh! He did? Oh.

Sweetie, look, I know that it's not easy for you... to have a new man in our house.

But we're getting married... and he's gonna be part of our family.

All I want is for just you two to get along.

Is that asking too much?

Could you try?

For me?

OK.

I love you, Mom. Oh, sweetie. I love you too.

Thank you. Oh! Sorry.

Let's go to Cornival. Let's have a good time tonight.

Great. We'll have a great night. All of us.

# My loves have some stories... #

Come on, tell me. No, forget it.

No, I want to know!

Look, I'm embarrassed, OK? Oh!

John, you can't just start saying something and then stop.

Come on. Never mind, never mind.

John.

Oh, all right. Um...

I've had the biggest crush on you since the 7th grade.

Ha ha ha. And here we are!

Yeah, here we are.

The cornival.

I'm glad you called. Yeah, me too.

Jasper! Let me do it. Lift it up. Keep it up high.

Oh! Now you're cheating!

Aw. You have to admit, they're kind of cute together.

You're kidding?

No, your mom is beautiful.

And Woodcock's kinda sexy, you know.

Mr. Woodcock? Yeah.

I mean, just, I don't know, the way he... he carries himself.

What? There's just something about him.

It's like this bravado and... I don't know.

All the girls at school love him. I mean, he's hilarious.

One time he grabbed me by my...

He coxes them in the teachers' lounge.

He has this little game that we play with his whistle.

Actually, I've always kinda had a crush on Woodcock.

Wow! You... you wanna go?

Yeah, sure.

That's cool, right? You're not... you're not gonna eat that.

Hey, guys. How are you doing?

Oh, good. I'm done.

Um, why don't you two play a little bit, huh?

I thought you wanted to win a panda. Oh, it's all right.

I'll win you a panda, Mom. Oh!

Sure you brought enough cash? Jasper.

OK, so let's go get some cotton candy and let the boys play.

Yeah. Good luck.

Win me a puppy.

OK, Woodcock. Looks like we got a challenge.

Let's play. Good luck, young man.

There you go, sir. Here we go!

Ha! Harder than it looks!

Hey, nice shot!

Try again, kid.

We got a shooter, folks!

Oh! Nice one, Farley.

Damn it! Whoo!

That's a winner right there.

Looks like a panda to me, sir. Nice job.

All right, kid. Everybody's a winner. Ha ha ha!

I've seen better shooting at the special Olympics.

Basketball's not really my game. Really?

What is your game? Whac A Mole?

Stupid game!

I just wanna warn you, Farley. I'm a card-carrying member of the N.R.A.

You don't have a prayer.

Ready, gentlemen!

We have a winner! Don't be a sore loser.

I'm telling you, my gun was messed up.

It's never the gun, Farley, it's always the hunter.

"Corn-eating Corntest."

Oh, it's on.

You're going down, Woodcock.

You must like getting spanked, Farley.

I guess it runs in the family. Here you go, boys.

Begin!

Oh, I shoulda known that you'd be here.

You know, Johnny won this competition what, 6 times in a row?

7. 7. When he was little. 7 times!

And against adults, too!

And here we go, corn-testants! And may the best...

Oh, they're getting ready to go so we'll just go over here.

Remember, half cobs do not count. Good luck!

See you, girls. That's funny, Farley.

I didn't know fat kids ate their vegetables.

Save it for the corn-test, old man.

Ready for this? Yes!

Are the corn-testants ready for this?

If you are ready, then get set...

There they go, ladies and gentlemen...

Iook at them gnaw on that corn!

Do you see those teeth?

Half a cob doesn't count.

Pretty good there, Farley?

Keep it going. Look there. Look at them go.

You want to pace yourself, Farley.

Just let go, Woodcock.

Great tension. Hey, hey, keep your hand off your neighbor's cob!

Penalty!

All right, here we go. Keep chewing that corn!

10 seconds left!

Coming down to the end now.

5, 4, 3...

2, 1!

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner!

And that winner is, again...

John Farley! Whoo!

Ha ha ha! Yes! Whoo! You got beat, sweetheart!

Whoo! Whoo!

Whooooooo-hoo-hoo! Whoo-whoo-whoo! Ha ha ha!

Oh, yeah, baby! Whoo! Whooo-hoo-hoo!

I'm the big winner. I win!

I'm the big winner 'cause this is my house, bitch!

Whoo-hoo! John Michael Farley!

What has come over you?

Ugh!

It's OK, Farley. I know how to cheer her up.

Do me a favor. Snag my bears.

Well, John, you really... ate that corn.

Thanks.

Hello? Wake up!

I got something to show you.

Nedderman? What's going on?

And at 0800 hours... a blonde chick rolled up in that car... and went into Woodcock's house.

How long you been staking out his house?

17, 18 hours.

Hey... there she is!

What? Oh, that son of a bitch!

What kind of asshole would cheat on his wife... before he's even married?

The same kind of asshole that would make a kid run laps... until his nipples bleed.

Shit!

Now, then. We gotta go in there.

Oh, bro, staking out the guy's place is one thing... but breaking and entering, that's another.

Nedderman, we need concrete proof.

John, I haven't shit my pants... since the balance beam in the 7th grade. l... l... I'd like to keep it that way.

And what about your book, chapter 14?

"Respect other people's boundaries."

Wait, do you have the book with you?

Yeah.

Oh, great.

Let me see this. See.

Forget the book! Just forget it!

I can't take this book anymore!

'Cause every 30 seconds you're in my ear, like, wah, wah, wah!

I can't do it, OK? I wrote it, I know what's in it!

It's crap! I'm done with it, OK?

What?

Hey... it's Tracy.

Hey, Tracy.

How are you? Fine. Um... listen, John, about last night.

You seem like you're in a really weird place right now.

Really? No, I feel great.

I really do.

Well, maybe you should just call me... when things are a little more... stable?

I think that'd be best.

Oh.

OK, um...

I respect your feelings and your decision. l...

I'm sorry you feel that way.

All right. Well, take care of yourself, OK?

Yep, you too.

Bye.

Bye.

OK, this is the plan.

We're gonna break into Woodcock's place.

We're gonna plant your video camera... then we're gonna catch him cheating on my mom... and then we're gonna finish this effing fiasco... once and for all, OK?

Right, Clark, give me the minicam. You're on lookout.

Anything happens, honk the horn, you understand me?

Nedderman! It's open.

What the...

What are you doing? Sor...

I'm sorry. Sorry.

Jesus. OK.


Hello, smoking gun.

Damn it, Clark!

Oh, shit!

Nedderman?

Nedderman!

Jasper, I'm still upset with you.

I know, honey, but you know how I get... when I don't have you to myself. Aah.

I just need some... alone time. What about me?

Well, honey, it wouldn't be alone time without you.

You know what I mean! Ha ha ha!

Jasper, you charmer. Oh!

Mmmmmm!

Oh, honey. Oh, darling.

Bad boy!

Feel good, baby? Yes! Yes!

Rhetorical question, Beverly!

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, yeah!

Feel the love! I don't want to black out again.

The finish line's in sight, honey.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Yes!

That was way better than anything on the internet.

Excuse me, may I have your attention?

Uh, if everyone would, uh... would grab a seat... and I get the honorees up on stage... we can get started.

For the past 26 years, Jasper Woodcock's name... has been synonymous with the words "physical education".

Now, before we get to the presentation... let's hear from some of the people... whose lives have been touched by this great man.

Honey, where were you?

I thought you were gonna ride with us. I was worried.

Sorry, Mom. l... I needed some alone time.

Oh.

My name is Zoe. And last summer, my cat Raisins ran away.

That man found her. Her collar was caught on a fence.

She was dead from stran... gulation.

But she's in heaven now.

Thank you for finding Raisins, Mr. Woodcock.

You're kidding me.

When I was in his class...

Mr. Woodcock found a brick of marijuana in my locker.

He could have sent me to the principal, but no.

He called the cops.

And instead of going to detention I did 6 years in juvi.

Where I found my lord and savior, Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ!

And I have been mostly drug-free ever since.

Thank you, Mr. Woodcock.

"Mr. Woodcock is one of the best teachers.

"He taught me how to play hard and never give up.

"Because of him, I got a scholarship to play football.

"In college."

Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Woodcock.

What the fuck?

Woodcock never talks down to us.

He treats us just like everyone else.

I named my kid after Woodcock.

Woodcock taught me how to be a man.

Woodcock taught me how to be a man.

Woodcock taught me how to be a man.

Woodcock taught me CPR.

Woodcock saved my life. Bullshit!

Woodcock... Woodcock...

Woodcock... Woodcock...

Woodcock...

Woodcock. Woodcock.

Jasper Woodcock.

Educator of the Year.

Go, Jasper!

Thanks a lot. Uh... appreciate it.

Ha ha ha.

That's, uh... that's good stuff, Jasper. Thank you.

Unbelievable!

We have one more award to give out.

The Corn Cob Key.

Given to those who go off into the world... and make Forest Meadow proud.

Right.

Ladies and gentlemen, John Farley!

Ha ha ha.

Are you guys out of your minds?

Ha ha ha.

Seriously. Am I the only one... that thinks that Woodcock's like... the biggest asshole on the planet?

I mean, for 26 years... this guy's been pelting children with basketballs... at point-blank range.

And now you're giving him an award for it?

He should be in jail! Johnny. Johnny.

I mean, is there any question that he strangled this girl's cat?

What... what was her name, Raisins? Yeah, you know what?

Go home, dig up Raisins, perform an autopsy on him... you'll find out it wasn't an accident.

Dogs don't strangle cats. Sadistic gym teachers do.

OK.

Somebody put something in the punch again this year!

Wait, wait. No, no, I'm serious!

Look, he hates children.

He killed one of my classmates.

Yeah, after years of his abuse...

Trevor Oates took his own life... and he died because of Woodcock.

No, I didn't.

Oates, I thought you were dead. No.

I had minor surgery a few years back.

You know, to help with my wheezing.

Whatever. Oates is alive. Whoop-di-doo! Who gives a shit?

Johnny. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I know you hate to hear that.

He's not what you think.

You're brainwashed, people!

Oh, just ask his ex-wife right there, Sally Jensen.

Tell them about all the man whoring... he did behind your back when you were married.

Well, I think most of you know I cheated on him.

I'm... I'm sorry. What? You cheated on him?

A lot. I couldn't help it. I was a sex addict.

Am.

Uh, was.

Am. Ha ha ha.

Yeah.

All right, let's go.

That's enough. That's enough of that!

He's cheating on my mom! Johnny, sit down right now.

That's enough, Farley. I'm sorry, Mom.

You've been sneaking behind my mom's back... with that blonde whore... right there, haven't you?

That's my realtor, you moron.

I was trying to surprise your mother with a new house.

Well, how come I found her panties in your bedroom?

Those are your mother's, Farley.

Mom?

Yeah. OK, Farley, you and me, out in the hallway right now.

Now!

Uhh! You disrespectful little shit!

I'm gonna give you a good old-fashioned Nebraska ass-whipping... till you shit yourself.

Bring it, bro!

I don't know what I'm gonna enjoy more tonight... kicking your ass or nailing your mother.

Oh! Let go of my son, Jasper.

Uh, Bev... Let go of my son.

Bev, l... You two are unbelievable.

You won't be civil even though it hurts and humiliates me.

Mom!

Mom, are you OK?

Go away, John. Leave me alone.

Maggie?

I have been carting around your damn luggage since Denver!

Thanks to you blowing off the most powerful woman in America...

Walden Books has canceled the rest of your appearances.

I don't believe this. I know.

If only someone had warned you!

So it's over. No, not exactly.

When you hear about this, you're gonna want to take me... right here in your mommy's house.

But first I have to pee. Where's the bathroom?

You have indoor plumbing in here, right?

It's not like you deserve the extra effort... but since my reputation's on the line, I called in a favor.

You're gonna do a remote interview... on The Tyra Banks Show!

Tomorrow, 9am, the diva of daytime talk... is gonna talk to you live... right from this dingy little shithole you call home.

Fine, good, whatever you need.

What I need is for you to focus... get it together, and point me to the nearest liquor store.

OK?

OK, Tyra Banks, very nice.

But if you do not know your shit she will gut you like a fish.

Oh, my Lord.

You look very beautiful, Mrs. Farley.

Thank you.

She does know what decade it is, right?

Mom, what are you doing?

I'm going to Cornival. Ha ha ha.

I'm sorry, you hicks just crack me up.

Are you sure? I mean...

After last night, you know...

I have certain obligations. I'm still the Corn Cob Queen.

Ha ha ha. But you'll be by yourself.

John, I have been alone on that float for 20 years.

I think I can handle it.

Mom, I'm so sorry about last night.

I... just totally lost my head.

Do you remember Mr. Spanger?

He was the first man that I tried to date... after your father died. I think you were 6.

And you ran away from the baby-sitter... and we spent the entire night trying to find you.

Yeah, I was under the sink.

Well, every time a man asked me out, you either got sick... or you threw a tantrum... or you egged the car, or you did something until I just gave up.

Did you ever think of how I felt... on my own all these years?

Uh, I guess...

I thought you... had me.

Oh.

All right, Mr. Farley. 20 seconds.

Hey, game face. Let's put the hillbilly drama on hold.

America is waiting. You look great.

This is gonna be fun. 15 seconds.

I can't do this. OK, I understand.

That's fine. Really?

Of course not!

Now sit your ass down and get in front of the camera.

Quiet on set.

All right, people, we're on the air in 3, 2... Smile.

When I read my next guest's book...

I knew I had to have him on The Tyra Show.

He's the best-selling author of Letting Go...

How To Get Past Your Past.

Please welcome, via satellite from Forest Meadow, Nebraska...

John Farley!

Hey, John, how you doing?

I feel great.

Well, good. You should.

I mean, your book is inspiring... so many people across this country.

Who's been your biggest inspiration?

Uh, my mom. Aah.

See, my mom is my biggest inspiration too.

I mean, I would not be where I am today were it not...

Johnny, do you ever think of... what it was like for me to be on my own all those years?

I mean, come on, you guys, give it up for mommas everywhere!

Whoo!

I'm... I'm sorry. I gotta go.

John? You go back in there!

No, I won't! Go in there and sell that goddamn book!

No, I won't! My mom needs me!

I don't give a shit!

You're gonna go in there and say something... or I'm gonna shove my arm up your ass... and work you like a puppet!

Let go of me!

Fine! Run, you pussy!

Go back to your mommy! What a bitch!

See if I care!

Quiet, please!

I don't know what to do! I don't know what to do!

Ha ha ha. OK, John, take care. He's helping people.


You back for more? Look.

I screwed up, OK?

Big time.

I shouldn't have meddled. l...

I'm... sorry.

Are you wearing make-up?

The truth is...

I did it because I wanted my mom to be happy.

And as it turns out, the thing that makes my mom happy... unbelievably... is you.

It's too late.

She's made her mind up, Farley.

What? My mom's the best thing that's ever happened to you.

One day you'll date girls and you'll understand.

Once a woman makes her mind up... there's no changing it.

Oh, I get it. You're scared.

Your last marriage fell apart because she was cheating on you.

Again and again and again.

The woman's a deviant, Farley. Who cares?

So you're scared of getting hurt again?

Hey, spare me the self-help crap, OK?

You're not a guru. You're a spoiled little kid... who can't seem to let go of his momma's right tit.

Oh, yeah?

Well, you're just a pussy with a whistle!

Really?

You cocky little shit.

Do you actually think you're tougher than me?

Oh. Any time, any place.

Get the rentals, Farley.

Seems like old times, doesn't it?

Yeah, well, a new day has come.

Ooh!

That was called a takedown, Farley.

OK. So that's how it's gonna be, huh?

Ah!

Yep, now I'm gonna bring it, Woodcock.

You never shut up, do you?

Why don't you make me?

Time to earn your wings, Farley.

It's called a suplex, Farley.

It's one of my favorites.

Here's another one of my favorites.

The Vietcong shuffle.

The reverse Vietcong shuffle!

Here comes the thunder, Woodcock!

Ooh!

Heads up, Farley.

Say uncle! Pussy!

Say it! Pussy!

Ow!

Russian headlock!

The gym teacher body slam!

Are you OK?

Rhetorical question, Woodcock!

You remember me now, don't you?

Bitch! Uh! Uh!

Mr. Woodcock?

Oh, shit.

Got a white male, 50s, possible concussion.

What are those? Bite marks?

Uh...

Come on, Scooter. Get that mask off of me.

Oh, thank God. I thought I'd killed you.

You couldn't kill me with a shotgun and a head start, Farley.

Said by the man flat on his back in an ambulance.

Yeah, well, it's about time you showed some backbone.

Is that a compliment?

Farley, I'm just saying... that you showed some sack out there today, OK?

Wow.

Maybe there is a human being hiding in there somewhere.

I mean, seriously, why can't you be nice to people? lt... it's not healthy being such a dick all the time.

You're gonna end up like your dad... just angry and bitter and alone.

If that's what you want, then fine, but I don't think it is.

Now, right now, my mom is on that float all by herself... really wishing that you were up there with her.

The problem is...

I don't think you got the backbone to win her back.

Oh, really?

Watch out!

Come on, Farley! Step up the pace!

I could if you weren't such a fat ass!

Watch out! Excuse me!

Keppen! You're off tempo! Aah!

Watch out! You're flat, Mount-Gardner.

Excuse us! Hey! Oh!

Excuse us!

Come on, Farley!

Mom! Mom! Beverly! Beverly!

Oh, my God, what happened?

Jasper, why are you on that gurney?

I don't know, honey, but I'm here to say that...

I'm basically sorry.

Basically sorry?

Mom, for an emotional cripple like Woodcock... that's a huge step.

Listen, I'm the one who should be apologizing, OK?

This is all my fault.

Just give it another shot.

'Cause my lungs are about to explode.

Please, honey.

Oh! Oh, my God!

Stop! Stop!

Mr. Woodcock!

You OK?

Nice work, Farley.

There's one pothole in this town and you managed to find it.

Jasper! Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, Jasper.

Jasper.

Are you OK?

I'm sorry, Mom.

I thought I was doing the right thing.

By killing him?

I called 911, didn't I?

Ha ha ha. Yes.

For what it's worth, I want you to be with Jasper.

I don't believe you. I do. l...

If it means anything at all... you have my blessing.

You can see Mr. Woodcock now.

Listen, uh...

I just want to say I'm... I'm sorry...

About the "nailing your mother" comment there.

That's it?

What do you mean?

I thought you would apologize for...

Mom, Mom.

I know this is gonna be hard for you to believe, coming from me.

But Jasper is a good person.

You see, somewhere around the time Jasper was choking me...

Yeah, with your own foot. Right.

I had a revelation.

You don't get past your past.

You embrace it.

And I'm not that fat little loser anymore... and that's because he pushed me.

And, in a really weird way... he's a big part of who I am today.

For Christ's sakes, it was just a P.E. class, you fruitcake.

Jasper! Well, it was.

See?

Set of ten, Farley.

What? Just joking.

# I see a bad moon rising #

# I see trouble on the way #

# I see earthquakes and lightning #

Merry Christmas, Woodcock.

Merry Christmas, Farley.

I read your book.

Really? What did you think?

Well, that part about, uh, treating others... how you want to be treated, I guess that's all right.

Yeah, I sort of stole that from the Bible, but...

I'll take credit for it.

The rest of it's pretty much crap.

What the hell, man? That's my book!

It's my book, Farley.

You gave it to me. I can do with it as I please.

# I hear the voice of rage and ruin #

# Don't go around tonight #

# Well, it's bound to take your life #

Oh, hey. Look, your new book.

Congrats, John. Let me see.

Congratulations. Oh, my gosh. Look at that.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, it's really, really good, John.

Wow, you read it?

Don't make me lie on Christmas.

Well, as long as we're congratulating people...

Beverly and I have a little announcement.

Recently, uh, one of my swimmers took hold...

Mm!

And, uh, your mother's got a little Woodcock in her.

What?

You're gonna be a big brother, Farley.

Just joking.

# It could be ten but then again #

# I can't remember half an hour since a quarter to four #

# Throw on your clothes, the second side of Surfer Rosa #

# And you leave me with my jaw on the floor #

# Hey! #

# Oh, just when you think you're in control #

# Just when you think you've got a hold #

# Just when you got on a roll #

# Oh, here it goes, here it goes, here it goes again #

# Oh, here it goes again #

# I shoulda known, shoulda known, shoulda known again #

# Oh, here it goes again #

# Oh, oh, here it goes again #

# It starts out easy, something simple, something sleazy #

# Something inching past the edge of reserve #

# Now through the lines of cheap Venetian blinds #

# Your car is pulling off of the curb #

# Hey! #

# Oh, just when you think you're in control #

# Just when you think you've got a hold #

# Just when you've got on a roll #

# Here it goes, here it goes, here it goes again #

# Oh, here it goes again #

# I shoulda known, shoulda known, shoulda known again #

# But here it goes again #

# Oh, here it goes, oh, here it goes #

# Oh, here it goes again #

# Oh! Oh, here it goes again #