Muppets from Space (1999) Script


Hey, wait for me!

Hold the boat!

I'm coming!

Noah! Mr. The Ark! I'm here.

Barely made it. I thought you were gonna leave without...

Gee, Mr. Noah, sir...

...I'm gonna come too.

What are you, anyway?

Good question.

Now, technically speaking...

...let's say, put me down as a "whatever."

What do you mean? What is your species?

I don't know. I guess there's only one of me.

Then you are doomed!

Wait. Wait!

Yes, sir?

You may need this.

But, but, but...

No! No! No!

I don't wanna be alone!

No, I don't wanna be alone.

No, no, no!

I don't wanna be alone!

You're not alone.

Who said that?

Gee, I don't know. Maybe it's the rat who's hanging out of the window!


No, it's Santa, but I forgot my reindeer.

I'm sorry, Rizzo. Yeah, right.


I had that weird dream again.

Oh, yeah? The one with the goat and the dwarf and the jar of peanut butter?

No, it was the one where... Forget it. You wouldn't understand.

I'd understand. Come on, we're roommates.

Hey, hey, hey.

I'm here for you, man.

Okay. It's the one where I'm talking to this Noah guy...

...and he won't let me on his boat because I'm all...


Good night, Rizzo.


What? Hey, man!

I do it all for you, ladies.

And scrunch.

Scrunch it. And right. And left.

And suck in those tummies, ladies!

That was fun. Way to get down with your bad selves.

Pass the bagel. Good morning, Rowlf.

Good morning, Bob.

Good morning, everyone. Morning.

Hello, little people!

What an absolutely splendid day!

How are you, Piggy?

Late. I start my fabulous new job today.

We megastar TV journalists have to be punctual, you know.

TV journalist...? Gotta run. Bye, Kermie.

Kissie, kissie.

Is breakfast over? No, why?

Because I think the bacon just ran out.

The raspberry flapovers will be out in a moment.

Uncle Kermit, what'll you do now that you're on vacation?

Robin, as soon as I get those housepainters started...

...I'm gonna kick back and relax.

When will you fix the oven, okay? What's wrong with the oven?


Popovers kaput!

I'll put it on the top of my list.

There is a menu correction, okay.

We will now be serving bologna sandwiches.

But no bread.

I'm already gone.

Hey, Gonzo. Aren't you performing at that bar mitzvah today?

Electric Mayhem's covering for me.


But you never miss the chance to shoot yourself out of a cannon.

Something wrong?

No. Okay.

It's just that I'm sick and tired of being a one-of-a-kind freak, that's all.

Gonzo, you are not a one-of-a-kind freak. You're a...

A whatever?

Well, yeah. You see?

See what I mean? I don't even know where I came from or who I am.

Yo, Kerm.

You weren't waiting for some painters, were you?


They're driving away. What?

Animal bit one of them. Oh, no.

Wait, guys!

Don't let them go!

You know what you are, Gonzo?

What? Distinct.

Hey, wait, guys! He didn't mean it! He's just a musician!

Musician, musician, musician!

Distinct, huh?

More like extinct.

"Watch the sky"? Hey, hey!

Rizzo, come here. I think my Kap'n Alphabet is sending me a message.

I know what you mean.

I had some guacamole last night, and it's still speaking to me.

No, really. Look, look. I'm not kidding.

Well, it was there just a second ago.

I swear, Rizzo. It said, "Watch the sky."

Are you sure it didn't say, "You need help"?

But, but...

Look, maybe you and your cereal would like to be alone.

Oh, boy.

My bologna has a first name It's O-S-C-A-R


"R U there"?


C.O.V.N.E.T. Top-secret national security facility.


Investigate threat of extraterrestrial attack...

...cleverly disguised as a cement factory.

General Luft, welcome.

I'm on a schedule. What have you got?

Hard evidence.

We finally got them.

Rentro. Yes, sir?

The remote.

The goat?

The remote.

The remote. I thought he said, "The goat."

Over the past few months...

...we have received some unusual communications.

Communications, sir, that are not of this Earth.

Really? Incoming.

Sorry about that, general. Here's your remote.

Thank you, Rentro.

We believe that aliens are using a contact on Earth... plan their invasion.

Now, this same message, "R U there"...

...has appeared all over the world.

We've been lucky enough to capture these instances on film.

The pyramid at Giza.


Okay, now this one says...

..."R U three," but we believe that to be a simple spelling error.

This could be vandalism, a practical joke.

Now, you see that?

That's what I said, general. These photos are...

I'll just be over here then.

Right this way, general.

When I plotted these anomalies sequentially...

...a pattern emerged.

A spiral.

Do you see the spiral?

Sir, they are out there. They are coming here.

Do you have any idea what you have here, Singer?

Sir, I have an inkling.


Bubkes? Good day.

But, sir, we have to take action now.

I hired you to find me an alien.

And you bring me doctored photos and a spiral.

You are on thin ice, boy.

I gotta hand it to you, sir.

I thought your presentation was just wonderful.


Whoop, there it is.

Roberta. Dolores.


Yo, Kerm, what should I do with the bills?

Just leave them inside. All right.

Gonzo, do you want your new issue of Insanity Fair?

No, I'll get it later.

What is he doing up there?

His breakfast cereal told him to sit on the roof.

Talk about whole-grain and nuts.


Hey, yeah.


This could be painful.

It is. It is.

Gonzo! Mr. Gonzo. Mr. Gonzo.

Greetings, Mr. Gonzo. Greetings!

What are you guys? Space fish?

We are cosmic knowledge fish. We know many, many things.

Would you like some tea? No, thanks.

Mr. Gonzo, your people have been trying to reach you.

My people? Are they fish too?

No, no, no.

We're not the same as you.

We are highly evolved beings.

Now, if...

What was I saying?

My people?

Oh, yes. Excellent.

You must mow the lawn if you wish to find what you seek.

I should mow the lawn?

A lawn that is cut in your own words, Gonzo.

A message that can be seen from space.

Space! So trim it well.

Goodbye, Gonzo. And may the fish be with you.

Thanks, guys, for the cosmic knowledge.

Goodbye, Mr. Gonzo. Bye! Goodbye!

That's it!

Come on, Rizzo. Time to bet, okay.

All right, prawn cracker. I'll see your Maryland crab cakes...

...and I'll raise you a 1958 cheddar cheese...

...never been sniffed.

Crab cakes and cheese? Can't beat that.

Hey, guys!

The cosmic fish have spoken to me.

I'm from outer space!

Yeah, yeah, that's great.

Pepe, are you in or out? I'm in.

I'm an alien!

You been tap-dancing on the barbecue?

No, no, Rizzo. I'm just fine.

My cards!

Somebody get a fire extinguisher! Not my cards.

Oh, no, no, no.

Gonzo, are you sure you're okay?

Yeah, absolutely. But I have to respond.

Gotta make contact.

Where's he going with those keys? Who cares? Flying saucer, maybe.

Dos deuces.

The prawn cracker wins.

Pair of twos! I swear I had four aces. I really did!

You got to know when to hold it No, no, no!

Know when to fold it Know when to walk...

Just a few things for today, sir.

Let's see. Here's a winner. Your Platinum Buns workout tape.

And let's see...

That new satellite photo is here... Captain Kangaroo pajamas... What?

What satellite photo?

"I am here."

Mowed in the lawn.

Who did this?

This is not good. No.

Poor guy. He's hallucinating.

Getting weird messages.

Hearing things.

He listens to voices and does what they say.

Hold your horseshoes.

I think I've got an idea.

You're scary.

I have to call Luft.

Wait. Careful.

Careful. Baby steps.

Baby steps.

We need more evidence. More evidence.

Remember, we're just watching. Watching.

And waiting. Waiting.

Build it and we will come.

Build what?

Build a Jacuzzi...

...and we will come, okay.

I'm up. I'm up.

Must build Jacuzzi.

Well done, pal.

Put a little more paprika on those, okay? Thank you.

Well, that's everything.

He built it. And we came.

All right, now. Remember, I built this new Jacuzzi for my alien family... no eating in the spa.

We gotta tell him the truth, Pepe.

You tell him and I will smack you.

I will smack you like a bad, bad donkey, okay.

Sal. Yeah, Johnny.

There are no cannolis here.

Yeah, but try this cake. This is a beauty.

That is nice. Would you...? Gonzo!

Go easy on the buffet, fellas. I just want...

Who cut the cake? Who cut the cake?

Who cut it? What? Look at that.

Who cut this cake? That's awful, they would've...

I can't believe it. The guests of honor aren't even here yet.

Hey, great party. Yeah.

I just wish they'd get here.

Hey, you! Did you cut Gonzo's cake?

I wonder if there really is life on other planets.

What do you care? You don't have a life on this planet.

Earth, are you ready? The Galaxy Channel presents...

...UFO Mania Live, with close-encounter expert Shelley Snipes.

Hello, I'm Shelley Snipes. Coming up on UFO Mania Live...

...I'll be taking a hard look at some compelling new data.

Have you seen something in the sky but were afraid to talk about it?

I don't understand why they didn't show up last night.

Well, perhaps we can be of assistance.

I think we can help you contact your alien brethren... boosting your newly enhanced conductivity.

Okay, Beakie. Let her rip.

Wait a minute. I think I'm picking up a signal.

If you've had contact with an alien...

...or if you are an alien and want to tell your story...

...write to us or come to our studio.

Come to our studio at 6577 Broadcast Lane now.

The mother ship is calling me home!

Thanks, guys.

The mother ship! It worked. The mother ship!


You said you going to tell him, okay.

Pepe, the Jacuzzi thing was your idea, and you have to tell him.

Sí, I will tell him, okay.

They're calling me! Here he comes.

Hey, Gonzo. I can't talk now, guys.

You should've told him. I wasn't supposed to!

You said you'd tell him. I said, you! I meant you.

Hi, guys. I'm here.

I'll just leave the tractor here in front, okay?

And that's the way it is.

This is Miss Piggy saying good night, and have a great...

Hey! Where's my coffee?

Coming! Coming! Coming!

I'll take one. In a minute.

Light, no sugar. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Shelley's stuck at the airport. She won't make it on time.

Okay, I am not gonna panic. Who am I kidding? Yes, I am.

No, I'm not.

Okay, I'm panicking. Who can we possibly get at the last minute? Who?


Stand by, everybody. Roll tape, please!

And cue I.D.

We're on in five, four, three, two...

Look! It's Piggy's new show.

Read. Read!

"Hello again. I'm Shelley Snipes.

Today on UFO Mania, flying saucers...

...and their extraterrestrial pilots."

Wish I could find my pants. You should come to see this.

"I'm sure you've often wondered...

...what might those alien creatures look like?"

People of Earth, do not be alarmed.

My message will be brief.

I am Gonzo. Gonzo?

Piggy? I don't have a Gonzo.

There seems to be some mistake.

Dang! You better get down there, Kerm.

Relax. No one is going anywhere, okay?

You see, I was contacted through my breakfast cereal...

...and it was confirmed to me by the cosmic fish...

...that I am definitely from outer space.

So you wanna go now or wait for the commercial?

Now. Come on.

What are you doing here?

I'm making contact. What are you doing?

Interview him.

I'm interviewing... I'm interviewing you!

Great! What would you like to know?

The whole tearful tale of your inner struggle, Gonzo.

I want my people to know I've received their messages, and my response is:

"I am here."


I'm at 44 Bronson Lane, and I can't wait to meet you.

And I can't wait to meet you.

Me too. He's very charismatic, don't you think?

Freeze that!

I want him here and I want him now. Yes, sir.

So you're our fancy little landscaper.

We're gonna take a break.

Yes. We are going to pause here, and we'll be right back with Gonzo...

...the geek who fell to Earth...

...with moi, Miss... And we're out.

Ninety seconds, folks.

Now that is TV.

The phones are lighting up like Vegas. What power, what heat. You're a hit!

Thank you.

Not you. Him.

Me? You've got it.

Sure wish we could find a cure.

Rizzo? Gonzo?

Kermie? Piggy?

What's going on?

Listen, aren't you taking this alien thing a little too far?

Kermit, I realize that it may be hard for you to accept me as an alien...

...but I didn't choose to be one.

Well, I've always had alien tendencies.

This just makes sense.

Beautiful, big G.

I see a follow-up episode here. Me too.

"The Alien in My Life." A Miss Piggy special report.

What are you talking about? You're the coffee pig.

Kermit, he's such a joker.

We'll take this from here.

We're with the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Aliens.

We feel your pain, Gonzo.

They feel my pain.

I got a paper cut that's a doozy. You feel my pain too?

Can you help me make contact with my alien tribe?

Yes, we can, Gonzo.

Somebody believes me. Come on, fellas.

Take me to my leader.

But, but... Gonzo.

I don't like the look of them. This rat smells a rat.

The limo's right this way.

Did he say limo? Wait, I'm his translator.

Wait! You know this Gonzo, right?

If the price is right. The price?


I deliver Gonzo's exclusive life story, okay...

...if you make moi your new anchorwoman.

We're back in 15 seconds.

What about Shelley? Shelley, shmelly.

Yes, yes! Go. All right!

Excuse me.

Excuse me. Hey, studmuffin, hold it.

I'll deal with her.

You'll deal with moi?

Look, chumpo, I'm just trying to get a story.

How about this story?

It's about a big bad wolf and a little pig.

No, that's three pigs, okay?

Not in this version.

Wait a minute. You're not part of that alien-protection agency.

Who are you? Where are you taking Gonzo?

I'm impressed.

Black belt, third degree.

Platinum belt, with an unlimited line of credit.

I like this party.

Tough guy. Tough guy!

Come on. Show me! Show me!

Look! Cindy Crawford.

Where have you been all my life?

Is that all you got?

Not the noogie!


Gonzo, Gonzo, Gonzo!

What the hey?

Gonzo, Gonzo, Gonzo!

There are no aliens here.

Only good, old-fashioned, hard-working Americans.

Good grief.

Now get off my Kentucky bluegrass.

Look! It's a little green man.

Excuse me, but what are all you people doing here?

We were drawn here by the alien.

That's all I know.

So let me get this straight now.

This government agency, C.O.V.N.E.T., has abducted Gonzo...

...and taken him to its top-secret facility?

Yes, Miss Piggy.

Thank you. You've been most helpful.

At last! A real story.

Intrigue, danger, new outfits.

And it's mine, mine, mine! All mine!

Come on. Please. You think Ted Koppel never gets excited?

So this is the car that takes us to the limo, right?

Somebody should look at those shocks.

At least they carried our stuff. Don't hold your breath for a tip.

As ambassador of Earth...

...I welcome you.

I'm Edgar...

...but I want you to call me Ed.

That's Ed.

And it's an honor to meet you, Mr. Gonzo.

Yeah. Me too.

Hors d'oeuvres!


...won't you sit?


Careful, careful. You'll get gas.

So when do we begin, Ed? I'm very excited about all this.

Me too, my friend.

Me too. Yeah.

Kermie, Kermie, Kermie!

Kermie! Yes!

Kermie! Everybody!

Come here.

Listen, everyone, listen. I've got great news.

Gonzo has been kidnapped by the government...

...and it could be a life-threatening situation!

How can that be great news?


...I've got the story! I've got the story!

I need to change. Something that says journalistic integrity.

I've gotta pee. Oh, brother.

What are we gonna do?

Okay, guys, it's up to us.

We have to save Gonzo from a whole army of government agents.

Well, I have a joke book.

Drumsticks! Drumsticks!

I have some loose Jell-O, okay.

Okay. Well, that settles that.

In circumstances like this, there's only one place to turn.

What do you got, Bunsen? There you are.

Well, Mr. Kermit, here at Muppet Labs, we've come up with many devices...

...that should aid you in your covert operations.


This seemingly ordinary rubber ducky...

...actually contains invisibility spray.

However, the effect is, sadly, temporary.

The old rubber-ducky-with- invisibility-spray trick. Check.

And, Beaker, if you would.

Here is something that we're very excited about.

"Door in a jar"?

That's absolutely right, Beakie.

All you do is open up the jar...

...fling the contents onto the wall, and poof!

Instant door.

What is this? A secret communication device?

That's Scotch tape. Useful if something tears.

And what do you have for moi?

Well, Miss Piggy, for you we have Muppet Labs Mind Mist.

Simply spray it on the subject...

...and they will obey your every command.

I dou...

I doubt I'll need any.

Okay, guys. Let's go get Gonzo.

Yeah. Come on.

We'll find him, okay. Gonzo. Gonzo. Gonzo.


I've been looking for something like you...

...all my life.

And now, at last, my search...

...has come to an end.

May I?

Before you answer, you better be clear...

...on the final destination of that finger.


No nostrils.

How do you smell?

Awful. Trust me, I'm his roommate.

That's a killer!


...laugh... me!

I hope I'm not imposing, but I thought you were just great on TV.

Could I get your autograph?

Rentro? Yes, sir?

It's not a good time.

This is probably not a good time.

Forgive me my earthly manners.

But do you have any idea what it's like... be laughed at?

Sure I do.

To be called names like "wacko"?

And "freak boy"? Oh, yeah.

And "paranoid delusional psychopath"?

Got me there.

To feel...

...completely alone in this world?

I think we're starting to get the general idea there, Ed.

It's wrestling legend Hollywood Hulk Hogan?

Have the rat sent down to Dr. Tucker for some tests.

Tests? But I haven't studied. I don't even have a number-two pencil!

This is for all my NWO-ites out there.

I will continue to dominate wrestling.

I'll make your back crack, your knees freeze and your liver quiver.

I will continue to put so much pain on you, you'll become my "painiac."


Would you mind? The rat.

Oh, yeah.

Where you going with my friend? What'll your fans think?

Hey, what you gonna do? I'm a bad guy now.

Gonzo! Gonzo, help me! No, no!


He's going to be fine.


How you doing? I'm Bubba.

Hey. Rizzo. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you. How'd you like to meet the boys?


Up there, that's Fast Eddie, harmonica extraordinaire.

How you doing, Ed? Well, I ain't dead.

Over here's Troy. Yeah, hi.

This back here, that's Shakes.

Hi. Hello. How you doing? Welcome.

They're doing a new caffeine substitute on him.

That's the Birdman.

Where are you? Gladys?

He don't bother nobody. Been here forever.

Gladys! Come on, the guys are watching.

He just likes to hang out with his birds. Know what I mean?

So that about does it for all of us here at Medical Research.

Medical Research? Yeah.

But that would mean we're...

...lab rats!

Gonzo, get me out of here!

Now, Mr. Gonzo.

What can you tell me about these?

They really have been looking for me.

And they are coming to Earth? I don't know.

How many are there? I don't know.

When will they be here?

And don't you dare tell me...

...that you don't know.

I know not?

But maybe I could find out?

Could you?



Okay, then. I'll keep in touch. Thanks.

So back to the limo?

It's a shame, really.

I really need that information.

So I'm afraid we'll have to perform... invasive quadra-lobal brain probe on you...

...and pluck it from your head.

The information?

No, your brain. Take him away. What?

My brain? But just a second. I...

Where are you taking me? Rentro, get General Luft.

I need my brain! I need my brain!

Fozzie, tell me again. Why are we doing this?

To save Gonzo.

Gonzo! Gonzo! Gonzo!

Right. Because Gonzo's one of us.

No matter what happens, no matter what obstacles we face...

...we never forget one of our own.

I love it when you take charge. Hey!

We left Bunsen and Beaker back at the gas station.

Okay. Well...

From now on, no matter what happens...

...we never forget one of our own.

That's right.

Cheese Twiddle?

Is this movie time or something?

So you're the new guy.

From this moment on, if I say you're hungry, you eat.

If I say you're sleepy...

I eat?

Oh, you shouldn't have...

Well, well, well. We got a funny boy here.

Is that bad? Very bad.

It looks like funny boy's going to the maze.

Since we don't want funny boy to get lonely...'ll all do time in the maze.

I'm sorry. I didn't know.

See, no one's ever escaped from the maze, funny boy.

Even if you did, it's four feet to the ground...

...12 feet to the door and four feet to the doorknob.

That's 18 feet. Twenty.

Funny thing about doorknobs: Rats can't turn them.

No opposable thumb.

This is ridiculous.

Hey, Riz, watch out for them red circles.

Yeah? What's wrong with the red...?

Nobody ever listens.

Red circles. Right.

Now let me see.

Cheese, rat poison. Cheese, rat poison.

What do you guys think, I'm crazy? This is a no-brainer.

This ain't so bad. A little breezy. Oh, boy.

Auntie Em, Auntie Em, it's a twister!

This is just like one of those carny rides.

You just gotta hang on, and at the end I get some cotton candy.

I'm gonna hurl!

You're just trying to play mind games here.

But I know the cheese is safe...

...because you think I'm going for the poison, right?

Room service.

Hey there, little fella. How you doing?

While they're warming up the brain sucker, I brought you a sandwich.

And I cut off the crusts there for you. There you go.

Gee, that's nice. Thanks.

Anything for a celebrity.

Hey. Do you like jalapeños?

Sure. Okay.

Jalapeños Jalapeños

Hey, mopey!

Who said that? I did.

But you're just a sandwich.

I'm channeling my voice through this sandwich to deliver this message.

Great! What's the message?

We arrive at midnight tonight.

Really? And do all of you look like sandwiches?

Forget about the sandwich! I'm sorry.

Jalapeños, jalapeños Getting my friend some jalapeños So here's the plan: We're landing at your house.

No, no, wait. Those guys know where I live.

And they're not the best examples of earthlings.

Gosh, where else can we land?

Let's see... I know! At the beach.

Go to Cape Doom. Just look for the lighthouse.

The lighthouse at Cape Doom it is.

Oh, boy. I didn't hear that. I didn't hear that.

This is great. But how do I get out of here?

Hey, I'm just a sandwich.

Some things you gotta figure out for yourself.

By the way, you go ahead and eat me now.

You're gonna need the energy.

But won't that hurt? No, it's fine. I'm going away now.

Cape Doom, right? Yes, Cape Doom.

Are you there?

Hello? Hello?

Just a little further up.

Stop, Fozzie. Stop here. Fozzie. That's it.




Stand back, boys. This is a job for a woman.

Woman. Woman. Wo...


What's a nice man like you doing in a guardhouse like this?

I'm buffalo hunting. What's it look like I'm doing?

This is a restricted area. You gotta go.

Oh, no.

Look deeply into my eyes and tell me you want me to go.

I want you to go.




I thought I...

What was I saying?

You were saying you were going to open the gate.

Open the gate.

Of course, open the gate. Come on in. Welcome!

Come on, guys! Oh, boy.

Tell me I'm beautiful, sweetheart.

You are beautiful, sweetheart.

Thank you.

He fell on you like a ton of bricks, okay.

Have a nice time.

I like your tie. Very nice. Thank you.

So long. Bye-bye!


What a handsome family.

Hey, rodents.

You know the cheese I promised you...

...after you ran that maze and took those tests?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was delicious.

No cheese?

All right! That does it!

We're busting out of this joint, boys.

Riz, even if we got over the wall, we couldn't turn the doorknob.

Yeah. Who needs doorknobs?

Yeah. Yeah.

Very nice.

He likes it!

Guys, we gotta get through that door.

Should we just ask permission from those nice men with the rifles?

Fozzie, those are the bad guys.

All right. It's time to get invisible.

Fozzie, get the duck.

Yes, sir. Duckie!

Here goes.

I look thinner. Now spray yourself.


Hey, I like this.

All right, lose the duck. Yes, sir.

Listen up, guys. This stuff doesn't last long, so let's go.

Let's go. Yes, yes!

You're squashing me. Sorry, Kermie.

Come on. I will help you up, okay.

Kermit, you're so soft and plump.

You got one second to get your hands off me, shrimp.

Sorry, Piggy.

Come on.

I have to go to the little bear's room.

Oh, Fozzie.

Smoking is very bad for you, okay.


...didn't know you cared.

Paging Dr. Van Neuter. Please report to Alien Surgery number five.


I'm Dr. Van Neuter.

I'll be your brain surgeon today, if you don't mind.

Get it? "Brain surgeon"? "Mind"?

Feeling a little nervous, are we?

Of course I'm nervous.

Everyone is before having their brain sucked out.

Now, don't you go away.

Okay, Kermit. I'm ready.

Fozzie, tell me you didn't wash your hands.

Of course I did. Mom said, "Always wash your hands."

Not when you're wearing invisibility spray!

Mom said, "No exceptions."

Never, ever.

What the...? Stop! You!

Hands up!

All right, remain calm.

I'm gonna have to take you two into custody.

Wait. Let me explain, lady.

No. Wait a minute. Where...? Lady, can I...? Let me explain.

Where are your forearms?


Animal! Animal, get back here!

Woman! Woman! Woman! Animal!

Give me a second to think. He doesn't seem to be on this floor.

I should go change, okay.

Come on, everybody. We need to find better cover.

Just up ahead here, General Luft, sir.

There we go.

This is our new retinal scanner, general.

General Luft, sir. This had better be good.

Come on, let's go.

Hey, Riz. Where's Riz? Where you going?

Listen. You guys go ahead. I gotta go find my friend.

What? You could get caught. What are you, nuts?

I guess I'll take my chances.

It was nice meeting you guys. See you later.

So long, Riz.

Bye, Rizzo. Good luck.

Kid's got moxie.

What is moxie?

Let's see here.

Have you ever experienced any achiness in your tentacles?

I don't have tentacles.

Good, no achy tentacles. Good.

Head ever come off? No, I don't think so.

Good, good, good.

Any gingivitis? No.


How about that beaky thing you've got there, ever had problems with that?

Itching, swelling, flaking?

Some flaking a couple years ago... Who cares?

It's showtime!

Here we go. Oh, brother.

Excellent, excellent.

What's that thing?

I don't know. Here we go. Here we go.

Just stay like that. Okay.

This way.

Whose bright idea was this, anyway?

Which way, Kermit? Kermin! Kermin!

This way.

I can't breathe!

Come on.

Here we go. Wait, wait.

What is it?

Are you sure this is covered by my HMO?

Good question. I'll check.


Rizzo. You're alive. Where have you been?

You don't want to know. Sit tight while I chew through these straps.

Yeah, yeah. Okay.

Good news. You're covered with a $10 co-pay.

Okay, hold still.

And remember, if you experience any unpleasantness, please let me know.

I'd hate to miss it.

Do you mind? Excuse me.


Oh, good Lord! A rat! I hate rats!

Then today ain't your lucky day, doc.

Ready for an operation? A little experiment.

Forward, Piggy. Forward.

Doctor. Doctor.


Just a couple of doctors. Doctors in the hallway.

That was close.

To the right, Fozzie. Forward, Piggy.

Too fast, too fast. The door. Stop!

What in the world?

This is big, general. I think we should notify the president.

I'll be the judge of that.

As always, sir.

No, don't tickle me!

What do we do? Will you please get me out of here?

No, no, no!

I can't breathe!

Hey, guys.

Quick, get me out of here!

Today, sir...

...we must think with a big mind.


Irrefutable evidence of extraterrestrial life.

Release me...

This looks worse than it is, general.

Obviously, the...

Get off of me, you vermin!

The alien is loose in the building.

But not to worry, because...

Don't bother.

You're terminated.

When you say "terminated"... You need help, Singer!

Find some!

Well, how'd that go for you, then? Okay?

So sorry I got you into this mess. Thanks for coming to save me.

You can thank us once we're out of here.

All right, quietly now.

Stop! Come back here!

Help! Mommy!

Please, please. Listen to me.

You can't leave me.

I need you.

I go now.

Fine. Go on, go.

You're all alike.


Call me.

Animal. Animal!

Come here.

Way to go, Romeo. Now let's get out of here.

Let's go, let's go.

I'm gonna kill somebody.

Now, now. Remember, calm blue ocean.

You let it go. Baby steps, remember? Baby...

Find the alien!


Yes, sir.

Try that door. It won't budge!

Forget that door. Come on!

This way!

Fozzie, quick! The door in a jar.

It's right here. Yeah, yeah.

"Open jar away from face."

Will you please just open the jar?

Hurry, Fozzie. Come on, throw it!

That's disappointing.

Perfect. Somebody knock and see if Barbie's home.

Works for me.


I cannot believe that little shrimp left us behind.

I am not a shrimp. I am a king prawn.

Let's go, let's go! Come on!

Hurry, hurry!

Keep going, everybody. Don't look back. Run!

Did you have a good time? Thank you.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye, nice man.

What the heck is going on?

We did it! See that?

When we pull together, we can do anything.

Now we can go meet my alien brothers at Cape Doom.

What makes you think that aliens are landing there?

Oh, a sandwich told me.

Oh, no.

I'd give it a rest there, buddy.

Do you mean that you guys still don't believe me?


All right, fine. Stop the bus. I'll get there by myself.

No, no. Wait, Gonzo. Wait. Look.

It doesn't matter what we believe.

If you believe that you need to go and meet your alien brothers...

...then I say...

Well, I say we're going to the beach. Right, guys?

The beach, okay.

To the beach.


Beach ball! Beach ball!

Get the crew to Cape Doom on the double.

And look, this is my exclusive, so don't tell anyone.

I got it.

Pack it up, guys! The spaceship is landing at Cape Doom!

Where is he?

Well, I didn't overhear anything...

Did I ask you if you overheard anything?

No, sir.

Because if you did overhear anything...

...I'm sure you would tell me.

Yes, sir.

Or do I have to remind you...

...of Mr. Jumbo's Circus Town and Wild Animal Revue?

Where's he going?

Oh, look.

Sunday's half price at the petting zoo.

Okay, okay! They're going to Cape Doom.

Good, good.

Get me the subatomic neutro-destabiliser.

The subatomic neutro... The really big gun.

The really big gun. Yes, sir.

The really big gun.

Really big gun.



Let's head for my car.

Problem there, sir.

Remember those parking tickets you asked me to take care of for you?

And I said that...

Oh, just say it.

Car's impounded.

We can take my company car.

Fine. Great.

Sixty-six bottles of beer on the wall Sixty-six bottles of beer Excuse me.

Excuse me! Can this thing go any faster?

I'm doing 30.

You want to slow down there, buddy?

A lot of traffic tonight, sir. Safety first.

Gonzo! Gonzo! Gonzo!

What's with all these crazy people?

Can I help it if moi has such devoted fans?

Gonzo! Gonzo! Gonzo!

All right, everybody, back off!

Make way! Let His Royal Weirdness through.

Everybody be cool.

Stay back. Be cool, okay.

Get your Gonzo T-shirts right here. Ten bucks!

Goodbye, Rainbow, and stay groovy.

Got cold.

Yeah. Sure did.

Midnight. The Ione alien stands before a naked sky.

The mood is tense.

My hair looks great. What?

I don't believe this.


You backstabbing, underhanded little coffee pig.

What? This is my show!

My story, my microphone.

Shelley Snipes reporting. Please ignore the little sow.

Disregard this woman. I...

What am I doing?

You are about to give me your job and get everyone here coffee.

Oh, yes. Of course.

Right away.

I love this stuff.

How you doing?

Excuse me, buddy.

And a happy Halloween to you as well.

It's all right. Take it easy.

Yeah. What do you mean, it's all right?

You don't understand. We let him slide, and he gave us a ride.

Yeah, yeah. I love all my new rat friends now.

Come on. Who wants this next marshmallow?

Can you believe that? Look at that.

Hey, fellas. Look who's here over here.

Rizzo! Hey, buddy!

It's too bad Dawson isn't here for this.

Tell me about it. This whole situation is like one of his sci-fi movies.

But this is a Muppet movie. It's much more realistic...

...and romantic, okay.


What's your deal? Are you an alien or something?

No, baby. Me and Gonzo are very tight.

We'll be chilling in our hot tub later on.

Perhaps you'd like to partake in the party.


All right. Don't answer right away. We'll be here.

Oh, she'll be back.

One a.m.

The alien is still standing over there.

My hair still looks great.

One can only wonder...

...what Gonzo's feeling right now.

They're not coming.

Maybe they're just running late.

It's a no-show. It's a no-show.


Hey, wait a second. I believed you, man.

Yeah. I stayed up all night dancing...

...and didn't study for finals because of you.

I'm cold. Come on, let's go.

I'm out of here.



They're really tiny.

But tiny's not a bad thing, right?

No. Tiny's good.

Wait a minute. We came out here in the middle of the night for a stupid egg?

It could be full of chocolate, okay.

Shoot it! Shoot it!

Please, big boss. I never disobeyed my mother.

And I never carried the plague. Not even once!

Are you okay, Gonzo? Great. Never felt better.

Let the one who is called Gonzo step forward.

That's me!

I'm Gonzo.

Step a little closer.

Come a little further forward.

Lean into the light.

There you go. Lean in a little further.

A little further.

That's him!


Many zotons ago... were lost to us.

We've come a long way looking for you, little brother.

We know of but one way... express our happiness at having found you.

Now there's a party going on Right here Right here A celebration That's my family! That's my family!

So bring your good times And your laughter too We're gonna celebrate Your party with you Come on, now Celebration Let's all celebrate And have a good time Celebration We're gonna celebrate And have a good time It's time to come together It's up to you What's your pleasure?

Everyone around the world Come on Celebrate good times Come on It's a celebration Yeah.

Celebrate good times Come on Gonzo, I want to see you up here on the stage!

Me? Yeah, you, boy!

Look at him go, guys. Look at him up there!

Celebrate good times Come on

It's the Great Gonzo!

This way.

Gonzo, it is time to take your righteous place amongst your brothers.


Here you go.

By surviving and thriving alone on this alien planet... have proven yourself audacious...

...courageous and distinctly one of a kind.

We welcome you back with our most...

...ceremonious of ceremonies.

What's that?

We gonna blow you up, baby.

Yes, yes, yes!

I love these people!

Coming down!


Oh, no!

Where's he gone?

He's okay! He's all right.

Now, that is what I call the Great Gonzo.

It's so good to see you.

Yes! Yes!

Hold it!

Hold it.

Get out of the way, you freak.

Very, very moving, my little alien friend.

But I'm afraid your timing is off.

Now...'re coming back with me... my cement truck.

What's so funny?

Don't laugh at me.

Don't laugh... All right.

I'll show you laughter!


Please load weapon.

Please load weapon. Please load weapon.

Come on. Come on.

My toe!

This certainly is good!

That was a close one.

Not as close as you think, my friend.

"Please load weapon."

We are honored to meet you. A most extraordinary performance.

What are you talking about?

Gonzo of Earth, who is this most entertaining friend of yours?

That's Ed.

Hi, Ed. Hello, Ed.

The cape. The cape!

The cape for Ed.

Ed, because of your comic instincts...

...we have chosen you as ambassador to our planet.

You mean you want me to go with you?

To boldly go where no man has gone before?

It would be our great privilege, Ed.

May I call you Zongo?

Zongo. Zongo.

To travel the stars like a modern-day Magellan?

To be up there with John Glenn...

...Neil Armstrong.

I think you better get going. They're waiting for you.

Run along now.

This way, Zongo.

Baby steps, sir.

Baby steps.

Time to beat feet.

Come along, little brother.

Oh, boy.

This is happening so fast.

Well, guys, you know...

...I'm gonna miss you. And I'll be thinking about you.

Rizzo, buddy...

No, no, not me. I do not do goodbyes.

Well, I just want to tell you...

I just want you to take care of yourself.

Don't worry about me. I...

I can always get another roommate.

Oh, buddy.

Take care. You too.

And, Kermit...'re the best friend any alien could ask for.

We love you, Gonzo.

So you'll write?

Yeah, sure, I'll write.

There's probably a mailbox every couple of light-years.

Yeah. Adiós, Mr. Spaceman, okay.

Man, you keep saying goodbye, and you'll never get home.

Oh, yeah. Home. Home.

Time to go home.

The stars beckon.

Shall we go home?

I don't think so.


Thank you for going to so much trouble to find me.

But I can't go.

I love these guys.

My life is here.

This is my home.

If that is your decision...

...then we shall abide by it.

We will miss you.

So good luck, Gonzo.


People of Earth, later.


Oh, boy.


You're back! You're back!

People of Earth...

...this is one small step for man...

...and one giant step for...

Forget it.

What a great day.

That was probably the best day of my whole life.

There's one thing I still don't understand.

What's that, Gonzo?

Why did they ask me to build a Jacuzzi?