My Big Fat Greek Wedding (2002) Script

You`d better get married soon.

You`re starting to look old.

My dad`s been saying that to me since I was fifteen.

Because nice Greek girls are supposed to do three things in life: marry Greek boys, make Greek babies and feed everyone... until the day we die.

When I was growing up, I knew I was different.

The other girls were blonde and delicate.

And I was a swarthy 6 year-old with sideburns.

I so badly wanted to be like the popular girls... all sitting together, talking... eating their Wonderbread sandwiches...

-What`s that? -lt`s ``moussaka``.


The pretty girls went to Brownie`s. I had to go to Greek school.

At Greek school, I learned valuable lessons like:

``If Nick has one goat, and Maria has nine, how soon will they marry?

My mom was always cooking foods filled with warmth and wisdom.

And never forgetting that side dish of steaming hot guilt.

Niko, don`t play with the food!

-At your age, we didn`t have food. -Ma?

-What? -Why do l have to go to Greek school?

When you get married, don`t you want to write your mother-in-law?

Niko, come on, eat!

We lived in a normal middle-class Chicago neighborhood... of tasteful modest homes.

Our house, however, was modeled after the Parthenon... complete with Corinthian columns and guarded by statues of the gods.

In case the neighbors had any doubts about our heritage... they could just check out our subtle tribute to the Greek flag.

My dad believed in only two things: that Greeks should educate non-Greeks about being Greek... and that any illment, from psoriasis to poison-ivy... could be cured with Windex.

Six years later: I was 1 2, Athena, my older perfect sister, was 1 5... and my brother Nick was 1 1. Every morning, my dad would lecture us... on the history of our people, the great civilization: the Greeks.

Now, name three things the Greeks did first.

-Astronomy, philosophy and democracy. -Bravo! Very good.

Now, give me a word... any word, and l`ll show you how the root of that word is Greek.

Okay? How about arachnophobia?

``Arachna``, that comes from the Greek word for ``spider``... and ``phobia`` means ``fear``, so fear of spider. There you go.

Okay, Mr. Portokalos. How about the word ``kimono``?

Kimono? Kimono, kimono...

Of course! ``Kimono`` comes from the Greek word ``cheimonas``... that means ``winter``.

So, what do you wear in the winter time to stay warm? A robe.

You see? Robe, kimono. There you go.

-Bye-bye. -Good-bye, Mr. Portokalos.


You should be proud to be Greek.

Years went by, and dad brought his mother from Greece to live with us... because we weren`t weird enough.

Listen up, ugly Turk.

You`re not kidnapping me.

-Get her! Where is she going? -Mama, please.

The Greeks and the Turks are friends now!

We told my grandma that war was over, but she still slept with a knife.


Stop hitting me!

Niko, be careful! She has a very mean punch!

-Mama! -Please, come back!

Nice Greek girls who don`t find a husband work in the family restaurant.

So, here I am, day after day, year after year... thirty, and way passed my expiration date. lt`s freezing!

Fortoula! You closed last night, you`re opening this morning. l have no life.

Ah, Toula, you talk to me sometime, uh?

Ma, you`re going to make me swallow my tongue.

Toula! ls Nikki here?

-What`s up there? -No, my Nikki.

She was supposed to come over to curl my hair.

Nick, did you check the meat before you signed for it?

-Dad checked it. -lt`d better be fresh.

My brother has 2 jobs: to cook and to marry a Greek virgin.

Voula, have something to eat before you go to work.

If nagging was an Olympic sport, my aunt Voula would have a gold medal.

Taki. You couldn`t wait for me?

-Sorry. Sorry. -``Sorry``. Don`t ``sorry`` me.

Look at this. Rash. Somebody gave me the ``mati``.

-Put some Windex on. -Please, please!

Voula, this works!

Last night, my toe was as big as my face.

So why didn`t you wait for me?

Because... He wants to talk.

Anyway, l tell her l will send her to Greece... find somebody. -Say, is she not too old?

-She`s okay. -ln Greece...

...don`t tell anyone how old she is. -She won`t go!

-She won`t go? -lt`s like she doesn`t want to marry.

Come on, we`re going to see uncle Nick.

My sister married young and became a Greek baby breeding machine.

Look at those!

Quick coffee. l`ll drop the boys off at hockey and then go to the Jewel.

Pantyhose are on for 99 cents.

The priest is coming to bless the new house, so l have to make ``diples``.

Can you believe it? l`m out of honey. Put that back for me.

-Angelo... -Shut up, Nikki!

My cousins have two volumes: loud and louder.

-Thanks, Toula. -We`re not that late.

Oh, Angelo, my boy!

Nikki, how come you didn`t come to curl my hair this morning?

Ma, l had to drop Dimos at work.

And now l gotta go to the travel agency... because some jag-off and his big-ass girlfriend are too busy. l open the dry-cleaners every day. lt`s about time she did something.

-You know who`s at the dry-cleaners? -You`re always at the beauty salon...

-My husband. -...doing your nails and your hair.

Don`t you talk about my hair. You and your big-ass girlfriend do nothing!

Did somebody sit on your hair? lt looks a little flat there.

Angelo, bite me!

-Be a lady! -Ma...

-Angelo. -Come on, boys! Let`s go!

-Athena! When did you come? -Hi, ma. Bye, ma.

-Are you going? -l`ll get you pantyhose at Jewel.

No queen-size. They make me look fat.

Who put the menus there?

Toula, what`s this?

-What is this? -l don`t know.

Mama! Mama!

-Don`t forget l need ``diples``... -And the ``pastichio``. You told me.

-Athena, go! My God! Go! -Okay.

-Alright, we`re going to go. -Bye!

-l want to drive. -You drive me crazy. Let`s go!

Watch your step. Don`t run!

-To me, she looks okay. -Okay? What okay? No okay.

She`s not okay. Athena`s married with three children!

And l`ll get married, pops. l promise.

You have plenty of time, Niko.

And you`ll always have Toula to run the restaurant. lt`s true. Toula will never leave you.

I wish I had a different life.

I wish I was braver and prettier... or just happy. But it`s useless to dream... because nothing ever changes.

-Hey, what`s going on? -Hi, man. How are you?

-Good, and you? -l`m good.

-Cool place. -Yeah, it`s adorable.

You missed a hell of a party the other night.

Look at that. That could`ve been you with that arm around her.

You set me up with her already.

-Nancy? -Henson`s picnic.

No, that was Pamela. This is Nancy.

They look the same.

Well, maybe. So, do you want me to set you up?

They`re all the same, Mike.

-Hi. -Hi.

Sorry. My brain just stopped. Have you ever had one of those days?

Going along and then stops. Here l am, your private Greek statue.

-Can l get some more coffee, please? -Sure.

Thank you.

All right, let`s go.

-What do you mean? l just got here. -l know. l`ve got a class, though.

-l loved this spice. What is that? -Like l care. Come on. l`m giving a pop-quiz and l can`t wait to hear the groans.

Man, you`re tough. l`m giving a test on Hamlet, but l gave fair warning.


Keep the change.

-Do you like this? For the new menu? -Where did you get that? l drew it, dad.



Dad, l`ve been going through our inventory... and l`ve noticed that we`ve been doing a lot of unnecessary ordering.

So l`ve been thinking. Maybe we should update our system.

Like, we could get a computer. l don`t know if you remember, but l got all A`s in Computers.

But there`s a lot of new stuff to learn now, so, if you want... l could go to college and take a few courses.


Why do you want to leave me? l`m not leaving you. Don`t you want me to do something with my life?

Yes! Get married! Make babies!

You look so... old!


Toula. Come on, Toula. l know what you want. You have, how do you say? You have a spirit.

You want to see things, you want to learn. l know. You`re from my side.

Come on, don`t you worry. l`m going to talk to him.

Dad is stubborn. What he says goes. ``The man is the head of the house``.

Let me tell you something, Toula: the man is the head... but the woman is the neck. She can turn the head anywhere she wants.

My baby. Don`t cry, don`t cry, come on.

What`s wrong with Toula going to school downtown?

-There is drugs downtown. -What are you saying?

That Toula will get involved with drugs?

No, but somebody will say to her:

``Take this bag down to the bus depot``, and she`ll do it!

-She`s not stupid! She`s smart! -l know she`s smart.

So what for she needs more school? She`s smart enough for a girl.

You think you`re smarter than me, uh?

-No, l mean... You know... -What? What do you mean? l run the restaurant, l cook, l clean, l wash for you... and l raised three kids, and l teach Sunday school, you know? lt`s lucky for me l have you to tie my shoes!


Excuse me, is this seat taken?

-What are you two talking about? -About my butt.

-l don`t like it, but Taki likes it. -Listen, l`m not going to pretend... this is something l`ve always wanted to do. l`m just saying it`s different. l`ve been learning about computers.

There`s this course. lt`s a seminar all about computers and tourism... with all the latest applications and programs. l could apply it here.

Your business would double, triple. You could be with ``theo`` more.

You could take a vacation. l could book it for you. Would you hire me?

Of course.

Oh, my God! Okay! Okay! l`m sorry. Oh, my God, ma!

We must let Costa think this was his idea. That he came up with it.

-Ma, he`s going to figure it out. -Don`t you worry.

-l know what to do. -No, you talk, talk, talk.

-Do you want my help? -Yes, l want your help.

-But don`t tell me what to say. -Perfect.

So, Voula, how is business?

Oh, war to me! Business is bad.

What`s the matter? What happened? You need money?

No, no. What she means is that, with two businesses, she suffers.

-She suffers? -She is at the travel agency alone... because everybody else is working at the big dry-cleaning store.

That`s right. l make Taki go to the dry-cleaners store... and now l have no time with him.

So send Angelo or Nikki to the travel agency... and you`ll be with Taki at the dry-cleaner.

-That would be good. -That would be no good.

-No good? -No good, no good.

Because neither Angelo or Nikki know how to use the computer.

That`s why that won`t work.


l have your answer!

Toula will go to the travel agency, and Nikki comes here to work for us. l can`t believe that.

-Wonderful. Wonderful! -You see? A man.

-Yes! You`re so smart! -Costa, Costa!

Mrs. Cristakis? Thanks for holding. Your request is confirmed. lt`s now P&R`ed. Okay, hold again, please. Hi, British Airways? l`ll need a hard tick on that one. Alfa, Bravo, Fox-Trot, Charlie.

Copy that. Hi, Mrs. Cristakis? Your tickets are now in the mail... under Doreen Cristakis. Okay, thank you. Bye-bye.

What`s the time? The time?

And now, the last contestant on ``The Price Is Right``!

l`ll get it.

Did you lose this?

Bloodthirsty Turks.

Mrs. White! You find my mama again?

You know, she comes from Greece.

-The country l come from too. -For God`s sake, l know!

Listen, keep your mother off my lawn... out of my basement and away from my roof!

Mrs. White, come on. Give me a word, any word... and l`ll show you that the root of that word... is Greek.

Look, everybody. Look who`s back again!

-Hi, Yaya. -Sit down, Yaya. Very good.

Toula, there are two kinds of people:

Greeks and everybody else who wish they were Greek.

Okay. Yes, we know!

What`s the matter with her?

Mount Olympus Travel Agency, may l help you?

Sure, that`s what we do.

-What are you doing? Wait! -Absolutely. Right.

Sorry, lady.

Sure. You can book it now. l can reserve the seat for you.

Be with you in a second. That would be no problem.

All right, call me back when you are ready to book. Thank you. Bye-bye.



Did you want to see some brochures?

Found them.

-Like this? -No.

And then `` woosh`` . God, l thought you`d fainted.

Oh, okay. Yeah. l was swept off my feet by your very cool opening line: ``Hi``.

So, Toula... lan. lan Miller.

-Toula... Porkypakos? -Portokalos.

-Okay. Toula. -All right then.

So was that a biker fight or a nose job?

-Yeah. -No, really.

You don`t want to know.

Well, if l had survived an old lady ass-kicking, l`d brag about it.

Jesus! Ouch!

-You want to have dinner with me? -Yeah.

Actually, l wasn`t in education first. l was pre-law.

My dad is a lawyer, my grandfather is a lawyer...

This wasn`t for me, so... l picked a new major.

-The parents weren`t too pleased. -Yeah. l think... l think it takes a pretty strong person to do that.

You know everything about me then: l`m a strong vegetarian teacher... over at Lincoln Park, and l don`t know anything about you... except you`re Greek.

Would you like to go have Greek food?

-Oh, that`s okay. -Listen, l know this great place.

You probably know it. Zorba`s something.

Anyway, l`d like to take you there, if you`d like to go.

-l don`t want to go there. -What do you mean? Why not?

That place, Dancing Zorba`s...

Dancing Zorba`s.

My family owns that restaurant.


l remember you.

You`re that waitress.

Sitting hostess, actually.

-l remember you. -l was kind of going through a phase... up till now, and...

l was frump girl. l don`t remember frump girl, but l remember you.

Okay, no Greek. ltalian, tomorrow night?


Where are you going? l`m taking a pottery class.

The Greeks invented pottery.

...didn`t have a taste for it. l like poetry. lt`s crazy, right? lt was just me, all alone, up in the mountains... in this cottage with my parents all summer.

Well, don`t all your cousins go up too?

No. l only have two cousins. They live in Wisconsin.

-You only have two cousins? -Yeah. How many do you have?

More than two.

Who else? Do you have brothers and sisters? What are your parents like?



Okay. Christmas. What do you do for Christmas with your family?

My mom makes roast lamb.

With mint jelly?



...l`m Greek, right? -Right.

So my dad and my uncles fight over who gets to eat the lamb brain.

My aunt Voula forks the eyeball and chases me around with it... trying to get me to eat it, because it`s going to make me smart.

You have 2 cousins. l have 27 first cousins, just 27 first cousins alone.

My whole family is big and loud... and everybody`s in each other`s lives and business all the time.

You never have a minute alone to think. We`re always together, eating.

All the other people we know are Greeks. Greeks marry Greeks... to breed more Greeks, to be loud breeding Greek eaters.

l`m serious!

No one in my family has ever gone out with a non-Greek before. No one.

And you`re...


God, you`re just wonderful.

But l just don`t see how this is going to work out, so...

Work out? What`s to work out?

We`re not a different species.

Yes, we come from different backgrounds and...

Hey, here`s some news about my life to this point: it`s boring.

Then l met you, and you`re interesting, beautiful and fun.

You`ve got a weird family. Who doesn`t?

l just want to spend some time with you.

l just want to spend a little time with you.

Did you say l`m beautiful?


-Which house is yours? -This is good. Could you stop?

-Sure. -Right here is good. Just stop.


Good night.

Good night.

Good night.

Good night.

-Okay, good night. -What?

No, no, don`t go.

Good night.

Don`t go.

And I can make a man out of you Because I`m a woman W-O-M-A-N

-Happy again today, Toula? -Yeah.

Now, every time l see you, you have a great big smile.

-Hey, Niko, where did you go? -Nowhere.

-What did you do? -Nothing.

-Who did you see? -No one.

Wait a minute, Niko. l put them in your room. Toula.

Your class... How is your class?

My pottery class?

-lt`s great. -Good. Good.

-You`ve got to get out of here. -Just one more kiss and l`ll go.


What is going on?

Mr. Pottery Class. Nice to meet you.

-lan, this is my cousin Nikki. -Oh, hello. lt`s nice to finally meet a member of Toula`s family.

Yeah, well...

l`m the least of your worries. Listen, the family knows.

Last night, Vicky Pavalopolis saw you sucking his lips in a parking lot.

She told her ma, who told my ma, who told your ma.

Let me put it this way: you`re busted!

You sneak around all over Chicago but you never come here to ask me... can you date my daughter? l`m sorry, but ask you if l can date your daughter?

-Sir, she`s 30 years old. -I am the head of this house!

Okay. May l please date your daughter?


-l`ll see you tomorrow. -See you tomorrow.

Excuse me.

Didn`t l say it`s a mistake to educate women?

But nobody listened to me.

Now we have a boyfriend in the house. ls he a nice Greek boy? Oh, no, no Greek!

No Greek, a ``xeno``!

A ``xeno`` with big long hairs on top of his head.


l`m sorry l lied to you.

Okay, Toula.

Maybe you are having a little romance.

But end it now.

l love him.

Toula, eat something!


Your father has a friend for dinner.

What`s this? Where are we?

My apartment.

Do you want to go up?

This is it.

Don`t worry. They are going to love you.

Toula. Now, that`s not a name you hear every day.

Does it mean anything in your language?

Well, my Greek name, Fortoula, means ``light of God``.

Who would like a coffee?

So, you`re Greek? What`s you last name?

-Portokalos. -ln Greek, it means ``orange``.

Like an orange that you eat, like the one with a peel. Not the color.

Yeah, it`s really Greek.

Rodney, didn`t you once have a Greek receptionist?

No, Harriet, she was...

-Just a minute. -Oh, no, no, she was Armenian.

-ls Armenia close to Greece? -Not exactly.

-What was she? -Who?

-My secretary, for heaven sake. -Everyone like cheesecake?

-Guatemalan. -That`s right. She was Guatemalan.

l love you. l love you.

l don`t... l don`t know how to say this.


Will you marry me?

Yes! Yes!

Now you can have this.



What? Don`t you walk away from me. Sit down!

Costa, they love each other. lt`s done!

How? How can she do this to me?

She didn`t do this to you or to me.

They fell in love. lt happens. ls he a good boy? l don`t know. ls he from a good family? l don`t know. ls he respectful? l don`t know, l don`t know, l don`t know... because nobody talks to me about nothing no more!

A respectful boy would come here and ask for my permission!

My daughter engaged to a ``xeno``! l always thought she was going to be married in the Greek orthodox church!

Why is she doing this to me?

...leaves a space. Sometimes, that space is so big that... the roof can`t support itself, so it collapses.

Excuse me.

Try not to be too loud.

What`s going on?

-Are you okay? -Can we go to Vegas?

-What? -Or go to Niagara Falls.

-Or to Fiji. Want to go to Fiji? -Sure.

Okay. Let`s go, come on. Let`s just go.

Come here. What`s the matter?

We can`t get married. Not like this. lt`s like, when l`m with you... l`m so happy.

But my family is so unhappy.

And our wedding should be this joyous thing... but it won`t be for them, because it can`t be at our church.

So let`s just go somewhere. Please, let`s just go. Let`s just go! l love you.

Why? Why do you love me?

Because l came alive when l met you.

But my family...

You`re a part of your family... and l`ll do anything, whatever it takes to get them to accept me.

Because you`re my life now, you`re my whole life now.

We`re not going to skulk off and get married... as if we were ashamed of ourselves.


Did you say ``skulk``? Let`s just skulk off somewhere...

Come on, talk to him. Toula loves him. Do it for Toula, come on.

Come on! He wants to get married in the church!

-Go, go! -All right.

So, you`re going to be baptized tomorrow, huh?

Yeah. lt`s your lucky day to be baptized in the Greek orthodox church!

Nikki is going to be your godmother.

You know, the word ``baptism``... comes from the Greek word ``vaticia``.

That`s where we dip the baby, in a beautiful little silver basin.

lt`s not so bad, huh?

Are you kidding? Any minute now he`s going to look at me and go:

``Right. You`re so not worth this.``

Yes, you are.

You`re all oily. l`m Greek now.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

So, for Happy Easter, we say: ``Christós Anésti``.

Then the other person says back: ``Alithós Anésti``.

So if you wanna say Happy Easter, you go: ``Christós Anésti``.

So try it.

lt`s good.

Hey, dad.

Mr. Portokalos...

When my people were writing philosophy... your people were still swinging from trees.

-He likes you. -Oh, yeah?

-l told you to watch the boys! -They`re having fun with videogames!

-You`ll turn their brains to mush. -l can`t do anything right! lan, if you`re going to be in this family, l`ll get you some ear plugs.

The Portokalos women, if they`re not nagging somebody, they die!

-You`re in trouble. l`ll tell her! -Tell me what?

Where is she? Let me see you!

Toula, you`re engaged!

We never thought it could happen for you, never!

-Taki, didn`t we say that? -We never thought the day`d come.

Never, and it came! ls this him?

-Yes, sorry. Everyone, this is lan. -lan!

Christ is risen for sure, if Toula found a husband.

Toula found a husband!

Nice to meet you.

Hello, lan!

l want to see the bride.

-Hey, lan. Do you like that dance? -Oh, yeah.

-Jenny wants to ask you something. -No, she does.

Jenny, just ask me.

-Does he have any brothers? -No, he`s an only child.

You know, l`ve got to tell you. l`ve never seen my sister so happy. lf you hurt her, l`ll kill you and make it look like an accident. lan, Jesus, look at your face. lt`s just a joke. lt`s just a joke.

-Good one. -The good one is l`ve got a gun. l`ve got a gun and l swear l`ll jam it right up... l got you again!

-Here, have some rice. -l don`t... l`m good.

Good? You know, l could snap you like a chicken!

Come on, lighten up! l`ll lighten you when l take out your kidneys.

-One more time, lan! Hey, Angelo! -lan, we`re going to kill you!

lan, aunt Voula. Let me touch your hair.

Let me.

-``Thea`` Voula? ``Thea`` Voula, okay. -Okay, okay.

-You come to my house and l`ll cook. -Okay.

-``Thea``, that might be a problem. -l`m the best cook here. Tell him.

-Oh, l did. Didn`t l? -Twice.

Okay, then. lt`s just...

lan is a vegetarian. He doesn`t eat meat.

-He ``don`t`` eat no meat? -No, he doesn`t eat meat.

What do you mean, he ``don`t`` eat no meat?

Oh, that`s okay. l make lamb. Come. Come. Dance.

Greek. You watch.


lt`s delicious.

We took a look at my calendar... our calendar and... set a day for the big day some time at the end of October, mid November.

-Some time there, yeah. -Wonderful.

-l`ll call the club, see what`s open. -The club?

The North Shore Country Club. For the wedding, of course.

We`ll get married in Toula`s church, because we`re not very religious... and her family is, really is. Show them the brochure.

Oh, that.

My cousin Nikki made me this.

She tends to save things. This is from her prom. She makes lamps...

We got this great big hall. What`s it called, for the reception?

Aphrodite`s Palace. lt`s not really a palace.

Here`s a brochure.

That Parthenon backdrop... That`s optional.

Maria, if we invited the Demakopolis, we have to invite the Adamopolis!

They`re cousins!

Dad, the thing is that we just want to keep it small.

You`d rather go bankrupt than insult anyone from the church.

Toula, l came to this country with US$ 8 in my pocket... to make all this for you.

Who knows how long l`m going to be alive?

Let me see the list.

Okay! Okay! Come on, time out!

-No more punching my ` nads, okay? -Stop hitting ``theo`` Nikko!

Look at you! How big you are!

-Yanni, take them to soccer practice! -Boys, come on, soccer practice!

-Did she spit on him? -Boys, go outside with your father.

Yeah, it`s for good luck. lt keeps the devil away.

Bye! Wait for me!


-Where did you get that? -l drew it for the menu, remember?

-Mom, l`m hungry. -Okay, Niko. lan, are you hungry?

-No, l already ate. -Okay, l`ll make you something.


Now, Toula, we have to have Tommy Cassimatis.

-Hey, let me help you with those. -What is wrong with Tommy?

-l don`t know them, okay? -Who cares? They`re related to me!

-Why are you being so weird? -l`m not being weird.

lan, eat, eat!

How do you say ``thank you`` in Greek?

That`s it. You got it.

Nice boobs.


Toula! Listen, l`ve got the greatest connection for your invitations.

No, Nick, we`re going to order our own invitations, okay? l don`t want us to have something that falls off the back of a truck.

-Yeah, but they come through, right? -For God`s sake, let the man talk!

-Why are you always so stubborn? -Toula, Athena... l ordered the invitations two weeks ago.

-l never saw a wedding invitation. -l`ll go get them.

They`re beautiful.

-Ma! -Wait until you see them.

-They`re nice. -Bravo, Maria.

My parents` names are Rodney and Harriet.

-``Rodney and Harry``? -``Rodney and Harry``.

-``Rodney and Harry``! -l didn`t notice. l bet they won`t.

``Yatzis``, everybody. Hi, Yaya.

Wait, l have got the biggest scoop. Look at the earrings... l found that match the bridesmaids` dresses!

A customer at the dry-cleaners is a custom jewelry designer.

-So l showed her the fabric... -Wait, what do these match?

-Not that fabric you showed me? -You said you liked it.

-l said l`d think about it. -That`s just because... you couldn`t visualize it.

-Nikki! -You`re so beautiful!

-You don`t have to do a thing. -That`s classy!

I went by the college and picked this up.

Look. l`m going to start slowly, doing a couple of night courses. l just wanted to learn more about painting, and art and stuff.

This is so great.

You started it. You wanted to do something else... and you did it.

Toula... don`t let your past dictate who you are... but let it be part of who you will become.

Nick, that is so beautiful.

That Dear Abby... She really knows what she`s talking about.

Hi, ma. It`s me.

All right. lan is going to come pick me up, then we`ll get his parents... and we`ll be there in one hour, okay?

-Good. -Everything okay? What are you doing?

-l peeled the potatoes? -What for? l peeled them this morning. l know, but we need more.

-How much are you cooking? -lt`s a lot of people!

-There`s three of them. -And us.

-That makes seven. -And the family.

The family? You invited the whole family?

-Of course! -Ma... l said, ``Come for a quiet dinner and meet my parents``.

They might as well meet the whole family, right?

-Maria! -l`ve got to go. Taki is here. Bye!

l`m coming!

Look! Bravo!

Okay, hurry, put it on the spit!

lt`s them! They`re here!

Excuse me, excuse me.

Welcome to my home.

Over here is my brother, Ted, and his wife, Melissa... and their children, Anita, Diane and Nick.

Over here, my brother, Tommy, his wife, Angie... and their children, Anita, Diane and Nick.

And here, my brother, George, his wife, Frida... and their children, Anita, Diane and Nick.

Taki, Sophie, Kari, Nick, Nick, Nick...

Nick, Nick, Nick e Nick...

Nikki... and l am Gus.

They`re here? Where? Excuse me!

Hello. l am Maria Portokalos. And welcome to our home.

-Thank you. What is it? -lt`s a bundt.

-A bun? -Bundt.

-Bonk, bonk. -Bundt.


-Bundt. Bundt! -lt`s okay. lt`s a cake! lt`s a cake! l know!

Thank you. Thank you very, very much.

There`s a hole in this cake.

-These are some of my cousins. -lan.

-Nick. -Good to see you, man.

Listen, you know, l really think you should say ``Eho tria archidia``. lt means ``Everyone, let`s come in the house``. l think they will like it.

-``Eho tria orchidia``? -That`s good. You got it.

-l`m not falling for that again. -What?

``What?``. Angelo! How do you say, ``Everyone, let`s go in the house``?

``Eho tria archidia.``

Everyone! l have three testicles.

You`re in so much trouble!

So this is from Mikonos. Beautiful island.

That`s where we`re from.

You like them? l make them.

Come, sit down. Go, go. Sit, sit. Come.

-Sit down. Sit down. -Thank you.

Now, you are family.

Okay. All my life... l had a lump at the back of my neck, right here. Always a lump.

Then l started menopause, and the lump got bigger, from the hormones.

So l went to the doctor and he did the bio... the bios... the ``bobopsy``.

And inside the lump, he found teeth and a spinal cord.

Yes. lnside the lump was my twin.

You hungry?

They just got here. Let them settle in.

-l love it when you speak in Greek. -Really? lt`s sexy. Having a good time?

All right. Come on.

Rodney, Harry.

-lt`s licorice. -lt`s delicious.

Another. You`re Greek now. Don`t be shy.

Don`t worry, l`ll be back.

The meat is here, everybody!

Very good, very good.

Would you like some Greek meat? Very good.

Would you like?

All right. Meat, everybody?

Excuse me! Coming through, coming through!

And now, the ``bond`` cake!

You fixed it! l tried, you tried! We were all nice to them.

And they looked at us like we`re from the zoo.

-Costa, please. -This ``no`` work. This ``no`` work.

They`re different people. So dry!

That family is like a piece of toast.

No honey, no jam, just dry.

My daughter is going to marry lan Miller... a ``xeno``! A ``xeno`` with a toast family!

I never thought this could happen to us.

I tried to put a little marmalade.

No, they don`t like that.

They like it all dry and cracked.

The best man`s part of the ceremony, he`s got to be Greek orthodox... so l can`t ask you to be my best man, although technically, you are.

You were going to ask me to be your best man? l am touched! l had no idea you had so few friends.

You know, that`s okay. Just get me a little badge that says ``best man``.

No offense, but this girl`s family`s got you by the short ones, huh?

They say ``jump``, and you plop the trampoline.

Yeah, okay. My life is shit, okay.

Mike, Toula`s got a lot of cousins. l could fix you up.

Yeah, that`s going to happen.


What is wrong?

All right. ls my marriage killing dad?

Toula, your father is your father.

-He just wants you to be happy. -But l am happy.

Listen to me, Toula. My village saw many wars.

Turkish, German... They all made a mess.

And my mother, she said, ``We`re lucky to be alive!``.

And l thought, ``We`re not lucky to be alive.

We`re not lucky when they`re telling us where we should live... what we should eat!``. Nobody has that right.

And then l see you... and l see Athena and Niko.

We came here for you... so you could live. l gave you life, so that you could live it.

Ma? The band needs to be picked up at the airport!

-Ma? -The bride is awake!

Wait! Wait! What is that?

Oh, my God.

Where did everybody go?

-lt`s a mosquito bite. -lt`s a zit. l have cover-up.

Hello, ladies. Fresh ``baklava``!

-Get out of here! -Give me the camera!

-Give me the camera! -Toula! Toula, help me! Come on!

-No boys allowed! -Nice moustache, Nikki.

-Thank you. -Niko, let`s go.

-ls that my tux? -No, this one.

-Go pick up the band at the airport. -Okay.

-What`s that thing? -lt`s a mosquito bite.

Put some Windex. l`ve got the cover-up.

You`re all nuts!

Why are you here? You`re supposed to get changed at my house. Get out!

-Toula, l want to talk to you. -Now?

This is a very special night for you. You have your duties.

One more, one more. One big one! Hold on.

Toula, on my wedding night, my mother, she said to me...

``Greek women, we may be lambs in the kitchen... but we are tigers in the bedroom.``

Please let that be the end of your speech.

What is going on? Why aren`t you ready? The photographer is here.

-Do you need sponging? -l`m all right!

Yeah. More hairspray!

She`s ready!

l`m a snow beast.

Oh, my God.

-How do we know what`s going on? -lt`s all Greek to me.

This is it.


We take our first steps as husband and wife.

-Are you ready? -l`m ready.

-Where are you? Are you in there? -Yes!

Don`t dab. Wipe! Wipe off!

-ls that better? -Yeah.

Who did your make-up? Your aunts?

Drag queens could get a few tips from those aunts.

Oh, my God, look at me! l`m just covered! l`m covered!

-Like a big frosted cupcake. -l know. lt`s like...

Come on, help me with the veil.

-Wait. -Yeah, you got it.

Do we have to go in?

Too late to elope now.

Let`s go in.


Let me check this out. lt`s going down, thank God.

-What? -l woke up with this huge zit.

-Where? -Right there.

-l had a huge zit this morning. -You did? Where is it?

-lt was here, but it`s gone now. -Why? l put some Windex on it.

Welcome to the Portokalos family.

Welcome the Miller family. l was thinking last night... the night before my... daughter was going to marry lan Miller... that the root of the word ``Miller`` is a Greek word.

``Miller`` comes from the Greek word ``milo``... which means ``apple``, so there you go.

As many of you know, our name, Portokalos... comes from the Greek word ``portokali``, which means ``orange``.

Okay, here tonight we have... apple and orange.

We`re all different... but, in the end, we`re all fruit.

Yes, we`re all fruit.

My wife and me, we have a gift.

See, that`s what we do. The parents, they give a gift.


Oh, my God. They bought us a house.

Thank you.

l don`t believe that.

A house!

-``Thea`` Voula, we`re going to dance. -l know, dear. Let me get Taki.

Athena, l`m going to be a painter!

Good! You can start with our fence.

This is just a really nice wedding.

That`s good. We`re going to dance now. Come on!

Oh, no. l think l need some more of those before l do that.

What do you say?

Bottoms up!

-All right. -Let`s go, ``Harry``.

Come on, Costa!

Oh, Taki... he looks Greek.

That`s it. Like this.

Everybody dance.

Everybody dance, dance.

Sometimes, I`m afraid that it didn`t happen.

I`m scared I`ll wake up and still be buttering garlic bread... waiting for my life to start. But it did happen.

It did! And I figured out some stuff.

My family is big and loud, but they`re my family.

We fight, we laugh and, yes, we roast lamb in the front yard.

And wherever I go, whatever I do, they will always be there.

So, Ian and I moved into the house my parents bought us.

A minute later, I was pregnant, and 6 years later... it was our daughter`s turn to go to Greek school.

-But mom, l want to go to Brownie`s! -l know, l know... but l promise you this: you can marry anybody you want.

Thanks, baby. Greek school, ``pomi``!

-What does that mean? -``Let`s go``.

-Let`s go. -That`s really good.

-Looking good, Gus. -Hi, dad.

-Where are you going? -Greek school.