My Boss's Daughter (2003) Script

(. "If I Had $ 1000000" by Barenaked Ladies))

You know, you ever heard someone say that old expression, "Everything happens for a reason"? Well, I don't think that applies to me.

I mean, I spend every morning rushing to work trying to catch the same subway to the same lousy job.

What's the reason for that?

See, I'm a researcher for one of the biggest publishing houses in Chicago, but where I really belong is in Creative.

The problem is, is my boss doesn't know it yet, so I'm totally frustrated.

While my friend Paul keeps telling me, "You gotta be optimistic. You gotta be positive. "

OK. OK. You know what?

Today is gonna be my lucky day. Today is gonna be my...

Aah! Oh! Wow!

Hey, look at that, It's your lucky day, Did you just see that?

Oh, I've seen it a million times, You want it? No, I don't want it, Go ahead, You got a new briefcase, Yeah, maybe its got a name on it or something, Oh, come... What are you, nuts? What?

You're gonna return it? Yeah, Did you not just say you needed a new one?

Yeah, when I get my raise, Haven't you been working there for, like, a year?

I bet Taylor doesn't even know you work there, I'd be pissed, Are you pissed? I'd be pissed, Yeah, I'm-I'm a little pissed, You know, come to think of it, I've never really seen you angry before, Henderson, you ever seen Tom really angry?

No, All right, fine, So I don't get angry, What is that, a bad thing?

It's, you know, you keep it bottled up and then sooner or later, you come into work and you mow everyone down with one of those...

AK-47, AK-47, You know, just to impress, uh...

Jodie Foster, Jodie Foster, (chuckles)) All right, I'll do it on your day off, all right?

(Paul) Touché, There she is, It's your Jodie Foster, Paul, come on, man, How you ever gonna get to know her if you just sit there?

It's Taylor's daughter, man, I can't just...

You can't just what? Huh? Are you gonna be a loser your whole life? Hmm?

Just go over there and talk to her, Go, Go, OK, fine, I'm going, I'm going, You're going,

Excuse me, Aah!

(baby crying))

(mouthing))

Hi, I'm--

Ah...

I-- Oh!

Uh... I-- He wa--

Oh,

(dog growling))

Oh! Uh...

What are you doing to my dog? Ma'am...

Who's taunting my dog? No one's taunting your dog, He--

Oh! Uh...

Um, the-the d-- Um...

Here, why don't you take my seat? Here,

Great, Now, that's great, Two more minutes, and I'm gonna be closer than you are, Look, Opening, Go, Just go, Go, Go, It's OK, Go, just go,

(conductor) Lake Street. Lake Street is next.

You're Tom Stansfield, right? From Research?

Yeah, Yeah, Tom, Tom Stansfield,

Stansfield from Research,

It's a growing sport, you know?

Paul, there is no way that she thought that it was a wrestling magazine, Oh, come on, Get over it, OK?

You're a little embarrassed, It happens, OK?

Let me tell you something, If I had a dime for every time a gay naked magazine fell out of my... I'm kidding, I'm kidding, What? Paul!

No, But seriously, so you're a little humiliated, At least now we've established that she knows who you are, right?

I'm gonna have to leave the company, No, you're not, Oh, God, There she is, Oh, and I need to see the proofs on Thailand immediately, All right, What else have we got?

Are you Tom? Yes, Mr, Taylor wants to see you, Oh... OK, OK, OK, you see? This is your chance, This is fate, This is what I'm talking about, It's about that new opening in Creative and you're the man for the job, You're gonna go in there and you're gonna pitch him those book ideas, No, I just... I'm really not ready, Let's get to business, Now we're steppin' up, OK, Come on, You're gonna go in there, you're gonna pitch him an inside curve...

Wait, wait, Where is my blue folder?

You don't need it, Enough with the excuses already, Come here, You look good, You feel good? I feel like I'm gonna throw up, Well, that's good, I want you to use that, OK?

What is this? This dad's? It's nice, Now get in there, OK?

Don't-don't touch my ass, What? It was a light spank, It was light,

Hey, Hey, Uh, do I just go in there? Um, no, He's not finished yet, but you can have a seat over there, Oh, OK, Let me explain something to you, Henderson, I did not dislike your ideas, I found them loathsome, I hated them, You're dismissed, From your office?

Nice try,

Good luck, You're gonna need it... He's ready to see you, You can come in, You know what? We should have never let up after the Revolution!

Sit down, Sit down, Coffee?

We shouldn't have left you at toehold, We should have driven you to the sea!

Now... what's this I hear about you making threats to spray this place with an AK-47?

What?

Oh, oh, oh, No, That... I was just making a joke, Oh, that's funny to you? Killing everyone in this office?

No, No, No, no, no, no, The... Paul said how I never get angry...

And what about you making fun of midgets?

I never made fun of midgets, You said it'd be fun to date one because then you could rest your beer on her head, No, No, I never said anything like that, Apparently Henderson thinks you did, Now I've got a good sense of humor, but that's just plain sick, But, sir, I didn't say... Audrey?

Which file did I ask you for? Uh, the Platt file?

John Platt, Not Sam Platt, I'm sorry, I guess I didn't think that...

That's right, You didn't think, Now if it's not too much trouble, if you could fetch me the right file...

OK, And get Tom and me some doughnuts, OK, Now... I'm told you've been trying to schedule a meeting with me about some ideas, What are they?

Oh, uh... yeah, I had-l had some ideas, Something wrong with the coffee? Uh, no, It's fine, Why'd you make a face? What?

Oh, well... It's-it's a little bitter, but...

Jesus, Audrey, get in here! Sir, really, it's f... It's not a problem, I've burped up stuff better than this, Sir, it's fine, Is something wrong? Taste Tom's coffee, No, really, It's OK, How would you rate that? Well, it's not that great, Not that great? I guess so, Tom thinks it's shit, Audrey, are you retarded?

It's not a rhetorical question, Are you retarded?

No, I'm not retarded, Because a retarded person can make a cup of coffee, Am I right, Tom?

Oh, I... I don't-I don't really know much about the limitations of the handicapped, I know of an employment agency that hires out retarded people for $4 an hour, So, if making a cup of coffee is too difficult a task for you, Miss Bennett, perhaps you'd be good enough to let me know, and I'll contact this agency and give a retarded person a job, (mouths)) Wow, I wasn't too rough on her, was l? Well, she is new and all, Maybe I was out of line, But do you understand what I'm dealing with?

I mean, here I am trying to fill a position in Creative, and I can't seem to find one person responsible enough to earn my trust, I sometimes wonder if anyone here even knows what they're doing, I can understand how you could see it that way, sir, but...

So you don't think I was out of line?

Well, if what you're saying is that a company is only as strong as its weakest link, that makes sense, but...

Exactly, That's exactly right, A company is only as strong as its weakest link, Yeah... Audrey, get in here!

You were right, Tom, I was too soft on her, What? No, Yeah?

Audrey, after talking it over with Tom here, I've come to realize that I'm gonna have to let you go, You're firing me?! I'm sorry, It's just not working out, But, sir, I was suggesting... I take my job very seriously, A chain is only as strong as its weakest link, Right, but there's a whole other side, Thanks for the support, Audrey, empty out your desk by the end of the day, Fine, Sir, this... I...

Thanks for straightening me out there, Tom, Right, right, But I didn't get to say what I wanted to say, Oh, your ideas, of course, Schedule an appointment with my new secretary,

Tom, Are you OK?

Uh... yeah, sure, I'm guessing by the way you look he's on another one of his rampages this morning, Definitely, Damn, I was hoping to catch him in a good mood, Yeah, that's, um... that's probably not gonna happen, I'm supposed to go to this party tonight, but my dad's making me housesit for his stupid bird while he's away this weekend, Well, why don't you go in there and tell him you're not gonna do it?

I can't just...

You can't just what? I mean, live your own life and have a free weekend?

No, it's not that, Wait, it is that, Yeah, I should just go to that party, Yeah, of course, Well, um... OK, I'm gonna go back to, uh, work, OK, sure, Tom? I know this might seem a little out of place because we barely even know each other, But, do you have any plans tonight?

(mouths)) No, no, no, Uh... no, I'm-I'm wide open, We won't be home too late, Hey, it's no problem, So the party starts at 7, You could be at my dad's house by 6?

Sure, You sure you're cool with this?

Are you kidding me? Tom, you're such a sweetheart, Thank you so much, I'm gonna love you forever for this, All right, Yeah, who's the man now? See? What'd I tell you?

(chuckles)) I'm a lady-killer,

How the hell could he be so excited about housesitting?

He's nice, Daddy, That's how, Most guys wouldn't even offer to do that, I don't know if I want him around my bird, Oh, Dad, will you just relax? It's gonna be fine, I promise, OK?

I'll check in as soon as I get there, 8:00, If I sense anything's wrong, you're coming back here, OK, OK,

(. light rock)


Very good, Right on time, Oh, sir, Uh... Hey, is that a bear trap?

Yes, It's to keep the neighbor's kids out of my yard,

Sir, I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate you... well... letting tonight happen, I mean, I know it means a lot to Lisa, and I think you're doing the right thing, I don't know what you're planning, Stansfield, but you're attitude is making me very nervous, Those socks are clean, right? Um...

You hesitated, Put those on, Are you serious?

If you want to watch TV, the remote's there, That panel controls the lights, alarm, skylight, etc, Yeah, I probably won't use any of that stuff, You know, since the party starts at 7, Party?

I made it clear to Lisa you're not to have any guests in here, You're the only one allowed in the house, What? Lisa's not here? No, Of course not, Lisa's at the party... and I'm staying here, Is this concept too complicated for you, Stansfield?

Don't touch the furniture,

And this is my bird's room, (chuckles)) He's got his own room?

That's cool,

(gasps)) How's my little boy?

This is OJ, OJ? Like the murderer?

No, Like the football player, OJ Simpson, I've set the alarm, When you hear it go off, feed him, (mice squeaking)) Aw, What do I feed these little guys?

They don't get fed, They are the food, His diet varies, but they're his favorites, Hey, don't you have to shut these doors?

Not anymore, He's been depressed since his mate died, He won't fly, Just sits in his cage,

Medication, Give him two of these at 1 0:00, I have to shove these down his throat?

Just one, The other is inserted into his rectum, Don't worry, It's not too unpleasant for him, He doesn't bite, does he? No, Not unless you taunt him, You're not planning on taunting him, are you, Tom?

No, I mean, that'd be really sick, No, of course not, And the most important thing, make sure he gets a pint of water, The medication tends to dry him out and then he can't breathe, OK, Well, I must be off, Henderson should be waiting outside, Henderson? I thought you fired him, Because his ideas were stupid? Of course not, He's gonna drive me to the train station, So, you can leave as soon as Lisa and Hans get back, Hans? Lisa's boyfriend, So remember, uh... water in the bowl, medication, and... anything happens to this house while I'm gone, I'll kill you,

(door shuts))

(Paul over phone)) You're housesitting? You gotta be kidding me.

(Tom)) I know, it sucks, What are you talking about? Don't you see? This is a test.

You watch Taylor's house, come up with a couple of great ideas and if everything goes smooth, you get the promotion.

You think so? Of course I do. What could be easier?

(crackles))

(. "Not What I Wanted" by Evan Olson))

(Lisa giggling)) What are you doing, Hans? Come here.

Baby, you're gonna burn so bad if you don't let me put this on you right now.

Oh, my God. You scared me, Hans. You're insane. Put that down.

Want to put some on me? Put some lotion on me.

Is Jack around? Hey... what? Who are you?

It's OK, I'm Red Taylor, I'm Jack's son, I let myself in the back, Oh, Hey, Tom Stansfield, Hey, Tom, nice to meet you, Am I interrupting something here?

Oh, no, Uh... I was... uh... Oh, your shoes, Nike, Uh, listen, Tom, can you do me a favor? I lost my TV Guide.

I came over here to see if maybe my dad's got a copy of one, You haven't seen a copy of the guide laying around, have you?

My sister in? No, actually she's out for the evening, Bingo, (chuckles)) Oh, So, uh, you're here to...

Housesit, Oh, Yeah, it's probably for the best if you don't, uh, tell Lisa that I stopped by, Why? Is there a problem? Well, you know how uptight she is, Really? I'm more the free spirit of the family, Oh, Oh, boy, See that right there?

Kirstie Alley? Yeah, I dated her maid, Really? I boned Kirstie Alley's maid, And this is while they were making Look Who's Talking , Wow, that's really something, I'll tell you another thing, You know Michelle Pfeiffer?

Yeah, I did the deed with Michelle Pfeiffer's cousin, Wow, Right out there in those bushes, Right, Ah, she looked just like Michelle, too, except she was brunette instead of blond, and she was kinda short and dumpy, Well, uh, ya certainly have an interesting life, Fred, You married, Tom?

No, I'm single, No girlfriend?

No, and, no, actually I had a girlfriend, but we, uh, broke up, Ah, Ah, Listen, I really gotta get back to work, and since you got your TV Guide and...

So, you broke up, huh? That's too bad, Was your ex a looker? Yeah, Yeah, in my opinion she was, I bet you you still keep a picture of her in your wallet, Yeah, I do, Can I see it?

Yeah, I suppose, OK, Let me find her in here, There she is, (laughing)) Oh! Tom, you lucky man!

Yeah, Oh, she is a real piece of ass!

Oh, I could knock on that back door all day long!

Yeah? Sh-she's a pretty girl, Wow, She has gotta be wicked in bed, Tell me she's wicked in bed, Tom, I bet you she banged your johnson raw every single night, OK... ...'cause that is one fine-looking broad, All right, Hey! Would ya--

I me-- You're talking about my girlfriend, Ex-girlfriend, you said, Yeah, but still, it's...

Come on, I'm just making conversation, You know, guy-talk, Look, I just... I don't tell comfortable talking about my intimate relationships with a complete stranger, Understood, Well, you know, given how uptight you are talking about sex, you pretty much answered the question, I am not uptight! OK?

Just because I don't feel like revealing personal details about my ex-girlfriend's sexual habits does not make me uptight, I didn't ask you anything personal, Well, then, what the hell do you consider personal?

Well, it'd be like, you know, if I asked you how big your rod was, Then I would be out of line, 1 00%%%, No, no! That is no worse than asking me if my girlfriend's a nymph, I just asked you if she dug sex, Besides, I wouldn't have asked if I'd known she was frigid, Yeah, well, she is not frigid!

Are you leaving?

Oh, yeah, And listen, Could you do me a favor?

It's no big deal, What?

A business associate of my dad's is gonna come by to pick this up, It's frozen steaks, it's a gift, It's not cold, Dad says that's the way the guy likes 'em, What are you gonna do?

Will you give it to him?

(doorbell)

Just one second, (doorbell)

Audrey, Tom, (man)) Let's go! Come on!

Oh, I guess this makes sense, He's got you living with him now?

Uh, no, I'm just watching his place, (car horn))

He's... Jack's out of town, He is?

Yeah, Aw, shoot!

I came by 'cause I was hoping to get my job back, You know, the one that you got me canned from

'cause I made a bad cup of coffee? Remember that?

Listen, I'm really sorry about that, How can you fire someone for making a bad cup of coffee, huh?

I know, That's what I tried to say to him, I mean, who do you think you are - Juan fucking Valdez?

I might have had a future at that place if you'd just give me half a chance,

(man)) Let's get a move on, saddlebag! Oh, my God, That's my idiot boyfriend, (car horn)) Hold your pants, you freakin' psycho!

God, He drives me crazy, Oh, hey, you know, since you're on the rug, would you mind putting these on?

They're medical... I got 'em on, too, Ugh! Licorice, I hate licorice, I need water or I'm gonna throw up, Ugh!

Thanks to you, I lost my second job inside a month and now I'm flat broke, You lost another job?

Yeah, I got fired from my waitress job just last Friday, Why did they fire you? Oh, I don't know, One of the assistant managers caught me making out with a customer, Excuse me? Well, I mean, actually the customer was my boyfriend, I mean, he became my boyfriend after the incident anyway, You got any beer in here? Uh... Hey, Here we go, Would you mind putting these on?

It's a house rule, Oh, actually, that's a twist... Aah!

That's the counter, Listen, Jack, is just a real stickler, That'd be great, No kidding, I found that out this morning, (man)) I swear I am gonna freak out and I'm gonna come in there...

Oh, man, Spike's in a real mood, Uh...

Don't even... hey, (doorbell)

Come on, come on, come on, Shit, (Spike)) I swear to God, Audrey, I'll piss on this guy's front steps! Let's go!

(knocking)) (doorbell)

If you don't open this door this second, I'm gonna come in there and...

Hi, (burps))

(clatter) Don't worry, Nothing broke, Hey, Baby, come on, What are you doing leaving me in the goddamn car?

Shake that tail, baby, Come on, Let's get a move on, Hold your horses, Try acting civilized, Audrey!

This is Tom, the guy that I was telling you about from the office, Oh, the coffee dude, You got some black ass karma headed your way, superfreak, Oh, we don't need no lecture from you, Mr, High and Mighty, Hey, shut that sass-trap of yours, little lady, before I bounce you off the wall!

Look, I would appreciate it if you would take this outside, please, Hey, I'd appreciate it if you'd go and buy yourself a bagel, Jewy, Jewy? I'm not Jewish, And I don't think that making fun of the...

Don't pay attention to him, He's nuts, I'm nuts?

Who do you think you are? Look, can we please take this outside?

Oh, come on, You know what you are? You're a filthy, little tramp, Me? What about you and that waitress?

Keep going, I never touched her ever, Swear? So help me God, You swear on your mama's life?

Hell, woman, I ain't gonna swear on my mama's life, Why not? If you're telling the truth, I think he's telling the truth, Audrey, Then why won't you swear on your mama's life?

Well, because I don't feel like I have the right to gamble with my mama's life, that's why, Gamble? But apparently you got nothing to worry about unless you're lying like a hunk of morgue meat, Hey, I ain't gonna sit here and get called a liar by no skankin' whore!

Who you calling a whore, you shrimp-dick bastard?!

Audrey, see now you're just provoking him, That's a vicious, flat-out, bold-faced lie and you know it!

Is it? Is it? I don't think so! I'll whip it out right now!

No, no, no, I don't wanna see it, I'm gonna whip it out right now and prove to you that she's a lying slut!

Keep your meat in the fridge! You wanna see my piece?

All right, All right! That is enough! Go get me a ruler, Tom! You go get...

That is it, I don't care if you have a tiny shrimp dick!

Or a giant whale dick, which that's... Goddamn it, Audrey!

You tell him you're a liar or I'm gonna smash your face in, I swear!

Wait a minute! You put that down! All right, Can we please just use fists?

Come here, you little... (slap)) You hit me, you bastard!

I did not and you know it! He hit me!

He hit me as sure as I'm standing right here!

Did you hit her, Spike? Yes, With an open hand, It was with an open hand, So what if it's open? You can't...

Then it don't count, Says who?

Says anyone, Ask the Jew, All right, that's it, You two have got to leave, All right, that's fine, But she is not coming with me, You are not welcome in the double ride, Fine, I don't care, I don't need your lousy trailer, I'll stay right here with Tom, Fine, Stay with Tom, I'll stay right here, Wait a minute, Whoa, Guys, you need to try to work this thing out, He hit me! He knocked me on my can! I know, I know, Well, but it was with an open hand after all, and...

Relationships have their ups and downs, you guys, and you don't want to ruin this great...

(yelping))

Oh, God, The bird, OJ!

Oh, my God,

(continues yelping))

(squeals)) Oh, You come back here or Tom's gonna kick your butt! So take that!

(revs engine)) Ooh, I'm shaking in my boots, baby!

Look at those two, OJ, (phone ringing))

(Spike)) Oh, I ain't running away, dummy!

Hello? (Lisa)) Hi, Tom. How are ya?

Hey, Lisa, I'm great, I'm great, (squawks))

Is that OJ? Yeah, yeah.

We just had a little drink of water, I haven't heard him squawk in years, Oh, yeah, He's quite the crazy bird, you know, Yeah. Anyway, Tom, I just wanted you to know how much I appreciate you helping me out tonight.

But I'd like to crash at a friend's place tonight after the party, Would you think it was horrible if I asked you to stay the whole night tonight?

Oh, well... I-I don't think your dad would want me staying here, Please? Yeah, I suppose I could stay, Thanks, Tom. I really appreciate it. See you tomorrow. (hangs up))

(Audrey)) I ain't afraid of you and Tom sure as hell ain't scared neither!

Butthead! Loser!

(tires screeching))

Oh, my God, Thank God he's gone, Hey, so is it OK if I stay here tonight?

Oh, man, it's... it's not even my house, Oh, yeah, OK, Well, I sure as hell don't want any charity, I mean, it's not like you owe me anything, so...

And I'm sorry about that whole office thing, I know that you didn't mean to get me fired, Yeah, You didn't deserve to get fired, Thanks, OK, Well, I guess I'll just go try to find a homeless shelter then,

Wait a second, Yeah?

(sighs)) God, Look, I suppose you can stay, Really? Oh! Thanks, Tom, You're the best, Oh, and I'll clean up the kitchen, OK?

OK, OK, OK,

(doorbell) (knocking))

(Tom)) Yeah, One second, (knocking)) There's somebody at the door, Hi, Uh, can I help you?

Vasquez sent me here to pick up a package, Oh, you're the... Yeah, yeah, yeah, Red told me you might be stopping by, Uh... Oh, hi, I'm Tom, What is this, Oprah ? Just give me the goddamn package, Oh, OK, Yeah, Um...

I think this is it, If this ain't kosher, I'm gonna break his thumbs, Oh, well, by law, it should be stamped right on the package there, (. classical) What...

(squawks))

Oh, Dinnertime, buddy, (. classical continues))

OJ... today's specials include a scrumptious buffet of mice kebabs, (squawks)) (gasps)) Aah! Shit! Ah... crap!

You son of a bitch, (squeaks)) Ha, (grunts))

(chuckles)) I got you now, buddy, (squealing))

(gasps)) Aah!

Aah! (groans))

(squawks))

Dude, that was cool, Oh, my God, Tommy, easy on the antiques, (squawking))

Was that an owl? Yes, OJ got out, How is he flying?

Well, he is a bird, He... no, Jack said that he...

Aw, shit! I gotta find him, Don't worry, He'll probably come back when he's hungry, No, I have to find him or I'm gonna lose my job! You know what?

This isn't gonna help your chances of getting your job back either, OK, Where the hell is he? Tom, relax, Relax? OJ's loose! (gasping & screaming))

This is no time to relax! Tom! He's right over here!

Right there, right there, right there! OJ!

Right there! OJ!

Stop! No, no, Stop, Stop, OJ, OJ...

Get up, What the hell you doing on my property? Planning to rob me?

No, I-I was just looking for...

Yeah, yeah, I see what you're looking for, You got a thing for young girls, eh?

No, Then why do you keep eyeing my wife, you perv?

Your... no, I wasn't looking, l...

Arthur, are you gonna be back soon? I need you to spot me, Just give me a minute, honey, Oh... Please don't kill me, I'm not gonna kill you, OK, If you let me live, I'll give you my most valued possession, Here, take it, You know what that is, don't you?

Evander Holyfield's ear, What?

The part of the ear that Mike Tyson bit off and spit out, But it's white, So?

So, shouldn't it be black? Well, if it's still on his head, sure, But anybody knows that a severed ear loses its color, No, Sheryl?

Yeah? What happens to an ear if it's severed from your head? It changes color, Duh, (thud) (Sheryl) Ow! Damn!

(Audrey)) Tina, give me a beer, (man laughs))

(Tina)) Oops, (man)) You have got to be kidding me, (Audrey)) Try another one, (Tina)) Come on, you guys!

(clatter) (Tina)) Party!

Come on, let's go! Audrey...

What the hell is going on in here? Heads up, Who are these people?

I invited some friends over to help us look for the owl, And Darryl even fixed the table in the hall, Thank you, He won't even know it was broken, (bottle breaks)) (man)) Air ball, We'll get that later, Everyone, this is Tom, Yo, Tom, Hi, guys, You guys, Tom's a real good guy and his nuts are gonna just...

Audrey, could you...

What? Listen, I appreciate all your help, But could you make sure that your friends stay out of the house?

All of them or just the colored guy? No, all of them, Ooh, that's smart, That way the colored guy won't take it personal, I have nothing against... Look, What?

I am responsible for this house and I can't have all of these people hanging around, OK, all right, I got it, You guys, let's move it out, Aw, I was just getting started, Good idea, Thanks, guys, That's great, (Tina)) What about the cake? Don't worry, they're all good people, They're not gonna steal nothing or drink too much like the lndians, Look... just make sure they stay outside, OK? OK,

(door opens%shuts))

Lisa? Hi, Tom, Uh, you're home? Why are you home?

It's not worth going into, I got in a huge fight with Hans, Oh, So... it's over?

It's my own fault for dating a guy my dad likes, Really?

Yeah, he's one of his top marketing execs, You know, Harvard Law, Comes from a good family, top of the tennis letter at the country club, Tom, can I talk to you for a second? Audrey?

Yeah, She came to, uh, talk to your dad, OK, I'm gonna go in my room, You could stay if you want, OK, Tom? Audrey, I'll be right there, OK?

OK, Or you could go, You know, maybe we could talk...

...later, Here, How about this one?

What's going on? We found the owl!

Where is he? Uh, well, he got away, Where'd he go? He hopped somewhere in the bushes, That's right, What are you doing?

Getting hamburger meat, That's a good way to lure birds, They like hamburger meat? I don't know, I've never had a bird, But most animals respond to meat, It's a fact, Wanna help me separate the meat?

Speed, tell Tom about the Kennedy assassination, This is so cool, Tom, 'cause Speed knows who killed JFK, No, ask him! Tom, ask him, Ask him who killed him, All right, All right, Who killed JFK? Desi Arnaz, Oh, His life just changed, (squeaking))

Oh,

Oh, God, Oh... oh... oh...

Tom! (gasps)) Shit, Lisa, Uh, what are you doing in here? This is my closet, Oh, Oh... uh, I had something in my pants, Um, I was feeding the mouse to the bird and he, uh, ran down my pants, (mice squeaks)) I'm sorry that, uh...

Oh, look! There it is! That way! The bedroom,

(Lisa)) Whoa, Watch out! Aah! (groans))

Oh, my gosh, Are you OK? Yep, Yep, I'm good, Don't worry, we'll get it later, Oh, here, Let me help you, You know, I'm really glad you stayed, I needed a good laugh tonight, Thanks, Wow, Yeah, could I make a bigger ass out of myself?

(chuckling)) Do you want some wine? Uh, no, thanks, Yeah, sure, Cheers, Cheers,

Oh, my God, Is that signed by Walter Payton?

Yeah, "Sweetness", '85 Bears, Only the greatest team ever to play the game, Shut up, Walter Payton, Jim McMahon, Mike Singletary, You know what? You may be the coolest girl ever, You like football? Yeah, I love it, I didn't know you guys liked football, Yeah, No, me and Paul watch the game every Sunday, Paul, too? Yeah, Oh, (chuckles))

Oh, what's that?

Oh, it's nothing, It's just something I used to do, That is really good, I didn't know you were an artist, I used to be, but I couldn't get any more of my friends to pose nude for me, You wouldn't be interested, would you? Uh...

You're blushing, I was just joking, I'm not blushing, I just-l just get red from time to time, You are so funny, No, seriously, you should really pursue this, I mean, you're good, I would, but it doesn't really fit in with my father's plan for me, Future of Midnight Owl Publishing, (mice squeaks)) Oh, look! There it is, He's right there, Through the door, We'll get him, We'll get him, Whoa! Watch out! (groans))

Are you OK? Your dad's gonna kill me, No, don't worry about it, It's my brother's, My dad won't care, Oh, Red, Oh, so Dad told you? About what?

The restraining order, How's that?

Yeah, Red's not allowed within 100 yards of me, my dad, or this house, He... uh, he didn't-he didn't mention that, Red's a freak, You don't want to be around my dad if he finds out anyone was in this house, especially Red, It's like wherever he is, there's trouble, I mean, one time, he had this big party 'cause Dad was out of town and my dad came home early...

Hey, uh... you know, since the mouse is gone, what say we, uh, go back inside?

OK, (grunts))

(both screaming))

(. synthesizer)

It was up for an Oscar? I hated it! I know! (laughing))

Oh, I hated that movie! Man, I can't believe you, You're like... you're so different from how you are at work, What am I gonna do? Like, walk around with my Walter Payton jersey?

No, no, I get it, It's, like, at work you have to be Lisa Taylor: the, you know, loyal employee to the family firm, And I have to be... Tom...

Tom Stansfield: the guy who will do anything for anybody, Yup, That's me, I swear, it's like I can just talk to you about anything, I know, exactly, It's...

Yeah, this is crazy, Yeah, it is, I guess it's because there's no attraction between us, you know?

Yeah, You know, there's none of that sexual tension, Yeah, It's like I'm with a girlfriend, It's great, isn't it? Yeah, I mean, maybe we could go to the mall sometime and go shopping, That would be fun! Wouldn't it be fun? Yeah, Wait, you have to listen to this song, Come on, I need someone to dance with!

You don't want to see me dance, (. "You Make Me Feel Like Dancing')

Come on, dance with me, I have no idea what I'm doing, Come on, Put your hands together, Yeah! Now go underneath, What... like this? Yeah!

Like that? Yeah! (squeals))

Hold on, hold on, Watch, watch, watch, (pants rip)) Oh, Yeah! Oh... I'm trying to do too much, (laughing)) Oh! Yeah!

(squealing)) I'm a dancer, Catch me, Oh... what?

(squeals))

I got you! Whoa!

Whoa... (chuckles))

OK, I am doomed, Here, (. "Better Man" by Martina Sorbara))

Oh, I love this song, My friend Jenny does this really wild strip routine for her boyfriend to this song, It's super sexy, Even you'd appreciate it, I wish I could be like her, you know? She's so free and everything,

(giggles))


(giggling))

So, what do you think?

Ah, it's... it's, uh, very nice, So if you weren't gay, this would turn you on, right?

Gay? Who said I was gay? My father, You mean it's not true?

No! No? God, I'm so embarrassed!

I can't believe you'd let me do this! I didn't mean to... I mean, um...

Why would your father say that I'm gay?

I don't know, Well, you can't blame him entirely, I mean, you are a little feminine, (gasps)) Don't be hurt, It's OK, Hans is a bit of feminine, too, What exactly did Hans do anyway?

Well, it's not like he did just one thing,

It's more about trust, Yeah, Trust is... it's important, Trust is everything, I don't know, Maybe it's me, It's like I'm just sending out some kind of vibe, I can't attract a decent guy, No, What's wrong with me? Don't even worry about it, You're gonna find another guy so fast, I mean, look at you, You're amazing, You really think so? Why do you think I'm here tonight?

Oh, God, Tom, You didn't know, You thought that...

(door opens))

Uh... uh... I'm gonna... I'll be right back, I'm just gonna go and check and see if Audrey needs towels, Tom, you don't have to lie to me, If you have to go to the bathroom, go take a crap and come back,

(chuckles))

(clatter)

What the... hey! What the hell are you doing here, man?

(grunts))

You try to bone Vasquez out of 20 grand and you ask me what I'm doing?

You think I work for Mrs, Fields? You think my boss likes to bake cookies?

Whoa! What are you doing? Come on, You tried to sell me flour, Flour? I-I don't even know what you're talk... What are you... Come on!

Look, I'm just housesitting for my boss, Who's your boss? Jack Taylor, Jack Taylor, huh? I did time in Joliet with a Jack Taylor, Average height, medium hair, horrible case of folliculitis on his ass?

I wouldn't know about the folliculitis, I thought you said he was your boss, He is, And you never saw his ass?

Why would I see my boss's ass? It stands to reason, You work for a guy long enough, sooner or later, you're gonna get a glimpse of his ass, Listen, I-I don't know what line of work you're in, but I've never seen my boss's ass, Hey, man...

Hey! Hey, stop it or I'm gonna call the cops!

And tell them what? Your drug deal went bad?

You rat me out, I'm gonna carve you up like a turkey and beat your kids with what's left of you, I don't have any kids, I can wait, (. cell phone ringing "Fur Elise" by Beethoven))

Excuse me, Hello? Right, OK, Tommy, let's get clear on something, In the next 60 minutes, I'm gonna bring Vasquez what he paid for or your gift-wrapped nuts,

(door shuts))

Oh, hi, Tom, What's going on? Yeah, That's what I wanna know, What's going on with your dad's gift? See... Do you see that guy?

He was gonna kill me!

Don't you think you're overreacting a little, Tom?

Overreacting? The guy had a knife! I don't think that I am overreacting!

He probably just had the wrong address, I mean, there's gotta be over a dozen Jack Taylor's in Chicago alone, I'm gonna go to my dad's bedroom, You tell me if the guy shows up again, All right, All right, You listen to me, You're not even supposed to be in this house, Says who?

I know about the restraining order, Red, Restraining-shmaining, I mean, that's just a big misunderstanding, (Audrey)) Tom! It's OJ!

(overlapping chatter)

(Audrey and friends)) Oh...

Whoa, Hey, Who are you? I'm here to see Lisa, My name's Hans,

Is that so shocking? No, What, you surprised she'd go out with someone like me?

No, no, It's not...

Give me a break, man, You oughta be ashamed of yourself, Let me tell you something, There are a lot of girls out there who can see past the fact that I just happen to be... a few pounds overweight, (crying)) You know, inside I'm just like everyone else, Let me get you a tissue, Thank you, I'm on the second day of a new diet, Hey, uh, Hans...

I gave up chocolate, I'm really sorry, I think that, uh, we just got off on the wrong foot, Oh... uh... It's good to meet you, Hans, I'm Tom, l, uh... (clears throat)

I'm just a friend of Lisa's, Oh, great, Well, maybe you can help me, Is she here? Lisa! Lisa!

Whoa, Hans, you know what?

Maybe right now isn't a great time for you to see Lisa, What say, uh, we get you a drink?

Oh, OK, Yeah, she's probably really upset, You see, we got in a misunderstanding tonight and, well, she left me, Wow, that's unfortunate, Yeah, Uh, what happened?

Well, I think seeing me naked from behind like that kind of shocked her, Oh, So, tonight was the first time, Yeah, Tonight was the first time, It was awesome, I mean, I was lying up on the bed like this with one leg straight up in the air, I don't think I really need to see... And I had a handful of ass right here...

Whoa, ...and I had a handful of this, Hans, please, Whoa, God, you're... that's...

And that's when Lisa walked in, What?

She caught me in the bed with a blonde, What?

Aw, come on, man, Tell me you haven't ever wanted to do it with a...

Hans, Hans, No... you cheated on her, You know something, Tom? You're right, Aw, I guess that was cheating, And now I've gone and lost everyone, I should have known from the start it wasn't right, She kept telling me I reminded her of her dad, Hans, you gotta realize that this is over, you know?

And you gotta put an end to it, and-and move on, And get yourself to a better place, OK? Yes, I think you know what I mean, Yeah, I do know what you mean, And I'm ready, I know what I have to do,

Well, I guess this is good-bye,

(squawking)) OJ!

(Hans)) Thanks, Tom, (Tom)) OJ, come back!

(dog barks))

OJ!

(squawks))

Hello, You must be Julie's date, Come in, Come in, Actually I'm just here looking for a bird, Make yourself at home, Albert, Julie's still getting ready, No, actually, uh, my name is Tom, I'm sorry, I'm hard of hearing, Could you speak up, please? (shouts)) My name is Tom!

I could've sworn Julie said your name was Albert, No, see, I'm afraid that you're mistaken, Is someone here? Yes, This is Julie's date, Albert, Ah! Ah! This is my nephew, George, He's blind and crippled, Oh, Uh... (shouts)) nice to meet you, I'm not deaf, Excuse me, I'll go see what's keeping Julie, She's probably nervous, So you're Julie's date, huh?

No, I'm just... I just came here, I was looking for an owl, (laughs)) You don't have to make lame excuses, Listen, do you know what the advantage is in being a cripple?

No, I can't say that I do, You don't really care to hear much what I have to say, do you?

No, no, It's not that, I'm...

You know what? Go ahead, I'm listening, Sit down, Tom,

You know what I gained by becoming a quad?

What, are you shaking your head? I can't see, you know!

I'm sorry, Uh... uh... Tell me what you gained, I no longer need my Viagra, Now I can maintain my arousal for hours, That's-that's great, I guess things have a way of evening themselves out in the long run, huh?

No, not really, And do you know why?

No, why?

Because I am a blind, quad freak, you moron!

What, you think women dig this?!

I mean, you think women go... Well, hello, ..."l wanna give that mutant freak my number"?

Ken Morehouse, I'm Julie's dad, Hey, nice to meet you, ls, uh, George boring you with his self-pitying tripe?

Tripe... No, not at all, "I'm blind, I'm crippled, Boohoo-hoo,"

Leave the room, I wanna talk to Albert alone for a second, I can stay if I want, Leave the room!

OK, OK, Get out!

You don't have to be huffy about it! Get out now! Get out!

OK, Turn it, turn it, turn it, Oh, for God's sakes, (clatter)

I'm so sorry, (George)) Who the hell put that there?

(cat meows)) (thud)

My daughter's gonna be a few minutes, Have a-Have a seat, Albert, Tom, No, Ken, Right, You're Ken, Yes, Before you say anything, Albert, I just want you to know that Julie is really self-conscious about her appearance since the... the accident, (door shuts)) Right...

Oh, Julie, Julie, this is Albert, Albert, Julie, It's nice to meet you, Albert, Wow, It's... wow, It's nice to meet you, too, But, the thing is, is that I'm not Albert, That is to say that I'm not your date, Oh,, There's been a giant misunderstanding, Oh, how could you? (crying)) I knew this would happen!

No, I'm telling the truth, Julie wasn't pretty enough for you, Mr, GQ? Is that it?

No, you don't understand, Oh, I understand, Fabio, You broke that poor girl's heart, No, no, See, I'm not...

Do you think Julie is an idiot? Do you think she bought your little fairy tale Mr, I'm Too Sexy for my medical booties?

Oh, th... Get the hell out of here, Or I'll kick your pretty-boy ass to kingdom come, Am I interrupting something? No, it's just that the...

(squawks)) (grunts))

Tom, there's two things that we need to talk about, What?

First of all, I don't wanna wear these booties anymore, No one else is wearing the booties, Fine, What's the other thing? Tina thinks she's got cancer, Do you feel it? Uh, I'm just...

What's supposed to be there? I don't... See, Tina?

Move your hand to the left, Now move it around, Uh-huh, Don't you feel anything? Yeah, I mean, no, no, No, it seems to be... Well...

Tina, your breast is no different than mine, OK?

It is, There's no comparison, Tom, feel my breast and compare, Now, do you detect any difference between our breasts?

Well... You gotta slow down a little, It sure feels good, Well, yours is a... (door opens))

Lisa, this isn't what it looks like, I believed everything you said, I'm...

It was all just a bunch of lines, wasn't it?

No, no, Lisa, it was all... I swear to you, I meant every word, This is... nothing's going on here, Great, Tom, I'm glad you think I'm a complete idiot, No, no, I'm telling you, I was just checking these girls for breast cancer, You make me sick, No... Lisa, wait!

She's never gonna forgive me, Of course she will, Is this the first time you cheated on her?

Yeah, No! I... yeah... wait, I didn't cheat on her, I mean, you were there for God's sakes!

Look, I know that you didn't cheat on her, I mean, you were a little grabby, but... I...

Look, don't you think we should just find the owl and worry about your little "affair" later? l... I am get... I'm getting angry and I don't get angry, Ugh! Hey, Speed?

Hey, can I ask you a question?

What are you... I thought you left, I did... to get this, All right, Why is the fire going? Cozy, isn't it?

All right, You put that down, Make me, All right, Hey! Hey! Put the crowbar down!

Or I will blow your ass to fucktown!

That's right, Don't you ever threaten me, But... I got a gun,

What are you doing? Well, Tommy, we both have guns, Only difference is, you don't have the guts to use yours, Oh, yeah? Well, what makes you so sure?

Oh, I'm sure,

(trickling))

Oh! Oh... Jesus! What the... What are you, out of your mind?

(phone ringing)) Stop that! Are you crazy, man?!

(chimes))

Hello? (Taylor) Stansfield. Anything to report?

Sir! Uh, everything's great, I got... everything's under control, Did OJ get enough water? (TJ)) Whoa!

Uh, OJ... What? Oh, yes, Uh, Jack, could you hold on? I'm gonna shoot your pecker off, I don't plan on being away the entire weekend.

I hate you! I hate you! It's possible I may be coming home early, so make sure that everything's in order.

Jesus!

Oh, something I forgot to tell you.

Sir? The fishtank. It's a little low.

I'm taking care of that right now, Good.

When I get back, I want to talk to you about that position in Creative.

Aah! Don't get excited yet.

I didn't say you had the job. We'll discuss it.

Uh, thank you, sir, Uh, great, Bye, Holy shit!

I just...

Boy, I'm tapped out, You got anything to drink?

In the kitchen, Thanks,

Dammit!

Whoa! What the hay happened in here? Tom, did you have a little accident?

You might wanna try a few Kegels, Kinda tighten it up down there, That's it! I'm doing 'em right now, And release, Well, when in Rome...

(trickling)) . Oh, Canada

"Jack Taylor, Rectacid, Apply liberally to buttocks as needed to reduce redness and other symptoms of folliculitis,"

Son of a bitch, Did you piss yourself? No, I did not piss myself, Looks like you did, Well, I didn't, It was that maniac downstairs, We gotta stop him before he tears this house apart, You know what you gotta do? Give him one of these little babies, What's that? It's a sleeping pill, I got 'em from Speed, Here, So strong, so be careful, It's powerful stuff, Here, Just one, Be careful,

Hey, Excuse me, You know, I just wanted to apologize for pulling that gun on you earlier, That was totally out of line, Hey, you know, I don't even know your name, I'm TJ, TJ? That's nice, I guess maybe I was out of line by pissing all over everything, Man... that was funny, (laughs))

Yeah, I've always enjoyed a good prank, What are you drinking there?

Whiskey, You want some?

There's plenty of booze around here, that's for sure, Yeah, I'll take a shot of bourbon, Oh, my God! Wow! What?

Whoa! Look at those two blondes going at...

Oh, wait, are there three of them? Where?

They're going at it right up there on the second floor, Where are you looking? Right th... uh... Oh, man, they left, (chuckles))

Damn, I was all psyched up for some action, Lesbians are very special, Oh... Hey, I'll drink to that, huh?

Cheers, All right, Mmm, (grunts)) Oh, are you...

Whoa, Here, Why don't I...

(glass breaks)) Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, (steps on glass))

Whoa, (gong))

Audrey? (babbling))

Audrey!

(gasps)) Oh, my God! He's like a human vibrator, What... All right, what is wrong with him?

I don't know, Did you slip him the pill? Yes, Then that must be it then, You didn't give him the pill with whiskey, did you?

Yeah, Oh, no!

You're not supposed to mix the two, Audrey, you did not tell me that!

Everyone knows that you're not supposed to mix booze with pills!

Come on! OK, Is he gonna be OK?

Don't worry, He'll be fine, I used to be a paramedic, Tom? I think I found OJ, OJ? I don't care about...

We have a situation here, Audrey, call 911!

I'm telling ya, he'll be fine, Are you sure?

He just needs some rest, I'm positive, OK, You watch TJ, Use this, It's not loaded, but he doesn't know that, (doorbell) Oh, man!

Oh, hey, Julie, From... yeah, Down the block, That's right, You mind if I come in?

(Audrey)) All right, You grab his ankles...

Why don't we go to that room over there?

(Speed) OK, yeah, I got this end, (Audrey)) Man, he's heavy, Do you mind if I sit down?

Uh... yeah, Sure, Thank you,

Oh, hey, Sorry to butt in, Hi, I'm Red, Hi, it's nice to meet you, Nice to meet ya, Anyway, I realized you were telling the truth when my real date showed up, Of course he didn't stick around, Well, that guy is a bum, Well, I'm sure that had nothing to do with you, No, I know it did, I've never had any guys attracted to me, even before the accident, Now that cannot be true, Well... about six months ago, I was hitchhiking and a trucker tried to rape me, but other than that...

Come on, You're gonna tell me, you never had a real boyfriend?

Well, once, but I think he just felt sorry for me, Oh, well, uh... how long did that last?

Um... about six years and then one day, he just left, Another woman? No, He got hit by a bus, (Red) Well, see that's not your fault, Well, he didn't seem to try very hard to avoid the bus, I think he just wanted out of the relationship, Julie, why don't you sit in this chair?

Oh, geez, I'm starting to feel a bit woozy, (blood squishes))

OK, All right, I have to go find OJ, So, Red, if you could watch things for me, that'd be great, Got ya,

Look, I think you're being way too hard on yourself, I mean, besides, I bet there've been a lot of guys who've been attracted to you, No, he was the only one, What about that trucker? I mean, he was obviously attracted to you, (sighs)) I think the trucker probably would have raped anyone, I doubt that, You were probably pretty special to him, (chuckles)) So sweet of you, Red, I'm not just jerking your chain either, I mean it, (giggles)) Yeah, (chuckles))

What are you doing to the lawn? It's OK, Tom, We just had to bury TJ, Bury... what? You mean, he's...

You said he was gonna be OK! I thought you were a paramedic, Well, I took a course, You took... you-you guy...

You can't just bury him, you guys!

Well, we're not gonna put him in my car, (Audrey)) That's right, All right, Forget it, I'm calling 91 1 , That's for emergencies, What do you think this is?

The guy's dead, In 20 minutes, he's still gonna be dead, There's no sense of urgency here, (chuckles))

No, we have to call the cops and report it!

And tell 'em what? The truth! That there was a... accident, They might not see it that way, Let's face it, Tom, You did kill him, You gave me the pill, Hey, I didn't tell you to kill nobody, OK?

Well, you didn't tell me not to use the whiskey!

Well, if you'd listen to me... You didn't say anything about whiskey!

(whistles)) I would think you would listen to me!

There's no time for blame games, Why don't you spread around some leaves? Make it look good, I am not gonna help you conceal a dead body!

Hey, you know what? Don't you think we should say something?

What? You know what? She's right, Some kind of last rites or eulogy or something like that?

I'm so screwed, We should say something, Fine, fine, You know what? Say something, Get... just make it quick, Lord, this day we lay to rest TJ, who was, uh...

I really didn't know him, I don't know him, I mean, Tom, you know him the best, Why don't you say something?

Me? Yeah, All I know is that the guy was a violent, sadistic goon that was into lesbians, Amen, Tom? Lisa, I can't believe you're still here, Listen, please, You have to let me explain, Look, Tom, Tonight was just a big mistake, That's all there is to it, No, you... that... what you saw with the girls, all that was was weird timing, Red? What's Red doing here?

Red? Oh, uh, Red was in the neighborhood and he-and he stopped by, But, you see, nothing really bad happened tonight, Is he the reason OJ's gone? No, No, uh... OJ got loose, And that's a little problem, But we're gonna find him, And we're looking for him, so...

What's this?

Oh, uh, Tom killed a guy and we're burying the body, OK, that was bad, Aah!

OK, well, now you're overreacting, It's not...

Oh! Aah!

(all yelling))

All right, all right, hey, Anybody moves, there's gonna be a big hole where her brain used to be,

Yeah, Go ahead, shoot, Well, what are you waiting for? Come on!

What are you waiting for?! Waste the bitch!

Tom! No, I don't give a shit!

Hey, I'm not joking, asshole, Yeah?

Pull the trigger, Come on, Come on!

I think you're just all talk,

Looks like we both got guns, Who's gonna shoot first this time?

(chuckles))

(groans))

(Red) Well, that should do it, Tom! You are so brave, No, no, It's not even that big of a deal, This gun's not even loaded...

(gunshot) (grunt)

(man)) What the hell is going on?

I never should have doubted you, You risked your life for me, Audrey found some bullets in the kitchen and I may have reloaded it, Yeah, I did, Yo, excuse me, Does anyone here know a Jack Taylor?

Why?

This dude just called, said if I don't pick him up at the train station in 15 minutes, I'm out of a job, What do you suppose that means?

Oh, my God, That's what I thought, 'cause I ain't got no job, He's coming home early, OK, don't worry about it, I'll take care of everything, OK? Trust me, Just don't drive too fast, Got it, And, um, maybe you should put that away, Oh, God, (. "Go Home" by Barenaked Ladies))

Ooh,

(squeaks))

(sighs))

(. whistling))

I knew that was you,


(beer bottles clank)


(Taylor) As long as we're in Thailand for the meeting on Monday afternoon, Yeah, We can pick it up when we refuel in Hawaii, Hey, uh, do you wanna stop and, uh, get something to drink, go to the bathroom or something?

We'll take the departmental heads now and the Creative team in a couple of weeks, (squeaks))

That's the agenda up to lunch, then there's lunch...

(squawking))

OK, And then... (squawks))

(horns honk) (tires screech))

OK, OK, OK, fine,

Stansfield, what are you doing? Nothing, sir, Hold on a moment, please, Stansfield... why don't you just concentrate on the driving and let me get on with making my call, Wait! What is it now, Stansfield?

Oh, nothing, sir, Almost home,

Hey, How'd this get in there? Oh, be careful with that, I will, Good thing I found it, There's several ways to properly dispose of a handgun, none of which include putting it in a garbage bag, (cop over megaphone)) Freeze! Police! Freeze!

Let go of the girl and put your hands in the air!

You're completely surrounded, TJ!

Put down your weapons and put your hands on you head!

No, you guys, Wait, He's not TJ, I'm Lisa Taylor, This is my dad's house, Ma'am, we've received numerous reports from this neighborhood: theft, gunfire...

All right, Look, I know you probably think we may have killed somebody, but Tom didn't know he poisoned the guy, and we thought he was dead when we buried him, But he seems OK now, His head's just a little bloody from where we hit him with the shovel, And I swear when Tom shot the gun off, he didn't think it was loaded

'cause I put the bullets back in, so if you'll all just step inside, you'll see there's nobody dead here, He may have had the wind knocked out of him temporarily, but with a little first aid, I think he'll be just fine, (screaming))

(screaming))

(screams)) (screams))

Holy mother of God!

(Lisa)) Hans!

Yes, I see, I see, (squeaks)) OK, fine, (squawking)) Whoa!

Could you say that again? You're breaking up!

One moment, please, OJ!

(tires screeching))

I just can't understand why you would do this, Hans, what were you thinking?

He'll be fine, He may complain about a sore throat, but he's in a lot better shape than this chandelier, Well, I'd hate to be here when the owner gets back, You can say that again, (man)) Whoa! (car horn))

Tom! Daddy! What do we got?

What was that? Watch the glass, OK, everybody?

Let's get 'em out of the car, Oh, my God! Daddy!

Everybody, stay back and remain calm, (Lisa)) Are you all right?

That's him, That's the one spying on me through the bushes, He shot the bullet right through my Julie's bedroom window, Here, Tell 'em, Julie, You guys, Tom wants the body in here, (TJ)) Take it easy, Put me down, (gasps))

Stansfield, what have you done?

Lisa, pack your things, You're coming with me to Thailand, No!

Get his ass out of here, It's funny you should mention the word "ass", Jack, Why don't we start by talking about yours, Excuse me?

Lisa, your father is not who you think he is, The whole publishing operation, It's a great cover, Now how'd you do it? What'd you do? Did you hollow out the books?

Oh, and locating the plant in Thailand, It's genius!

What are you talking about? What am l... Jack, You know, I-I would've believed you, Jack... until I met this man, who seems to know a lot about ya, Recognize this? I hear it's very effective in relieving folliculitis, I don't have folliculitis, He's given me no choice, He's given me no choice! Tom, what are you doing?

This is insane! Yeah? Take a look at your dad's ass, No! Then tell me I'm insane, huh?

(all) Oh! Ooh! Huh? Huh? Look at it!

Look at it! Huh? Huh?

Ooh... What?

(man)) Oh, that's nasty,

I told you I don't have folliculitis, you blithering idiot, Well, guys, the ointment must have worked, Let's go, Wait! I have something to show ya, (all) Oh!

(Hans)) What's with this movie and the ass cheeks?

My real name is Jack Taylor... Jr, Red is my nickname, Now you know why, I'm the whole reason that TJ's here, Goddamn it, Red, You've been dealing drugs out of my house!

No, Dad, I swear, I gave this guy a bag of flour, I dumped a kilo of the real stuff down the toilet, I'm finished dealing for good, The lime green toilet with the wooden seat?

Yeah, why? (squawking))

(all) Ooh!

(all) Whoa!

Wait a second, He's flying, He's flying,

(squawking))

(all) Whoa!

(OJ squeals)) (car horn))

(tires screeching)) (crash))

Get him out of my sight, Now, Lisa, let's go,

That's the one, He got my ear! Evander Holyfield's ear, You have to right to remain silent, Anything you say can and...

Lisa, wait!

(Arthur) That's Holyfield's ear for God's sake, (thunder rolling))

(squawking)) OJ?

OJ! Come to Daddy, How's my little boy?

(squawking))

You're going with him? What choice do I have? He needs me, Are you actually feeling sorry for him?

He's manipulating you and you are buying it, All right, fine, You do what you gotta do, I am gonna bail Tom out of jail, With what? Your drug money?

No, no, no, I stole this out of Dad's safe, Look, the important thing is, somebody has gotta help Tom, You know that nothing that happened here last night was any of his fault, It's funny, The nicest guy in the world's the only one with enough balls to stand up to Dad,

All he wanted to do was to spend some time with you, Look what it gets him, Classic Dad, I'm not allowed in the house, you're not allowed out of it, He doesn't care about us, Only that stupid bird, Hey, Red, can I tell you something? Sure, I know this is gonna sound weird, but ever since I was a little kid...

I used to always wish that I was that stupid bird, Aw, (squawks))

Look, I think it's about time you talk to Dad, At least tell him how you feel, You can do it, (grunts))

(yells))

Don't you see, we have no reason to be afraid of him?

Aah! (screaming))

Aah!

(grunting)) Aah!

(yells)) (thud)

Daddy! Lisa, don't let him do this to you, Lisa! Aah!


Lisa! Tom!

Red bailed me out... and told me you were here and I'm not letting you go, Yeah, but I'm... No, You're gonna let me finish, I went through hell last night and it was my fault 'cause I let people do it to me, And now you're gonna make the same mistake, Yeah, but... This isn't what you want, This is what your father wants, And you know what?

Maybe you and l... never are gonna work, And that hurts, But not as much as watching you be controlled by a ruthless tyrant that would screw his own mother if he thought it'd help him get ahead...

Tom! I'm not going, She's-she's not going,

Is this whole concept too complicated for you, Stansfield?

No, No, All right, (chuckles))

Wha... I... What made you stay?

That,

How did you guys... We finally had our long overdue talk, Then-then who's taking your place in Thailand?

He is, (gong))

What's this? (neck cracks)) Ow!

I'm kidding, I don't wanna go, I'm afraid, Nonsense, Everyone knows that, uh...

Asian people are very intimidated by, uh...

Tall men? Canadians?

Republicans? Blacks?

Henderson? Yes, sir, I won't have that kind of thinking in this company, There's no room for racism here, You're fired, Now, Tom, the point that I'm getting to is that with a big part of the team away, I'm gonna want you to take over the Creative Department, Me? No need to be modest, I saw those ideas you left in the living room, Your theory on the JFK thing, brilliant, And the moon landing, a hoax?

You're really on to something there, That's the kind of thinking that's gonna sell books, Uh, thank you, sir, Bye, Daddy, Have a safe flight,

Well, Dad... that's fantastic, You promoted Tom, Yeah, well, I figure anyone who's got the guts to piss on my Persian carpet has gotta have what it takes, Stansfield!

(trickling))

What the hell are you doing? Just trying to get my job back, sir, (. "If I Had $ 1000000" by Barenaked Ladies))

(Lisa squeals)) (chuckles))

(Tom)) You know, after everything that happened, after all I went through, I guess it was my lucky day. And I'm not the only one.

Based on Lisa and Red's suggestions, Jack restructured the company from top to bottom.

Even instituting casual Fridays every day.

And last Friday was Henderson's 27th straight day on the job without being fired.

OJ's back off the drugs and now he only drinks beer.

(burps))

(chuckles)) But he still has an occasional flashback.

(squawks))

Jack begged Audrey to come back, but she got a job at, of all places, a coffee shop.

Ew! Ugh!

Ew! Ew!

This is terrible!

Hans succeeded in turning around the company's factory in Thailand.

But apparently he's still struggling to cope with the local customs.

Back of bus! Excuse me?

You people belong back of bus, That's an outrage!

Man, I'm not gonna let you treat me like that merely because I'm...

Smoking! Smokers belong back of bus!

(coughing))

As for me, with my new promotion, I could at last write books based on my own experiences.

So I did. Thank you, And Lisa was finally able to pursue a career that she loved.

You know, you ever heard someone say that old expression.:

"Why does everything bad always happen to me?"

Well, I don't get those people... 'cause I've learned that if they just stop and look around, they'd realize that everything happens for a reason.

(. "If I Had $ 1000000" by Barenaked Ladies continues))


(. "Burn the Boats" by Early Edison))


(TJ)) I told him he'd see the ass sooner or later.