My Cousin Vinny (1992) Script

' Get out on the highway headin' down it my way '

' Passin' everything in sight '

' I push it to the max, gettin' ready to relax '

' 'Cause it's gonna be a Saturday night '

' I know a place just over the hill '

' If you wanna have a good time, you will '

' Way down south ' ' Way down south '

'Just across the border ' 'Just across the border '

' Said way down south ' ' Way down south '

' Don't need no law and order ' ' Don't need no law and order '

' Once you get down there then you'll know '

' Way down south is the way to go '

' You can have the fast lane I don't want the stress and strain '

' Gonna leave it all behind '

' You get a little lazy Afterwards you're crazy '

' Ain't nobody going to mind '

' Don't need a lot of cash or a flashy car '

' The folks, they'll take you just the way you are '

' I said way down south ' ' Way down south '

'Just across the border ' 'Just across the border '

' Way down south ' ' Way down south '

' You don't need no drink of water ' ' Need no drink of water '

' Now once you get down there then you'll see '

' Nothin' like southern hospitality '

' Whoo, yeah Way down south '

' Way down south '

' Almost to the border ' ' Almost to the border '

' Way down south ' ' Way down south '

' She knows more than Mama taught her ' ' More than Mama taught her '

' All the way from Nashville to New Orleans '

' We got cheap-talkin' belles and delta queens '

' Way down south ' ' Way down south '

' Almost to the border ' ' Almost to the border '

' Way down south ' ' Way down south '

' Don't need no law and order ' ' Don't need no law and order '

' Now once you get down there then you'll see '

' Nothin' like southern hospitality ''

Yeah!

Here's some for 37 cents. Here's some for 32.

Thirty-one.

Think that's it. Don't they have any generics here?

I think this is their generic. I never heard of that brand.

Maybe we should get this one. Maybe it's worth a penny.

You're paying for advertising.

Tuna. We should get tuna. Please, no more tuna, okay?

It's got protein. We need protein.

Beans are protein. Beans make you fart.

We got a convertible.

I'm gettin' it for myself.

One burrito and one large Slush.

$21.67. Can you fill this up?

21.67.


This next one's a WSTT special request.

It goes out to Ernestine from Charles Weaver with a big old hug and kiss.

-Jesus. Look. I forgot to pay for this.

You could have gotten caught. What if somebody saw? The laws are medieval down here.

You know what the minimum age for execution is in Alabama?

What, 16? Ten!

Ten?

There's a cop behind us. A cop?

There's nothin' to worry about. There might be.

There's nothin' to worry about until there's somethin' to worry about.

Just relax. Please.

Is he still there? Yeah.

Goddamn it. Just calm down.

There's a cop behind us. That's all. There's nothing wrong. There's no problem.

Uh-oh.

What? His light's on.

Fuck. Fuck! Goddamn it!

Fuck! What are we gonna do now? It's probably nothin'.

It might be a taillight. Just relax.

We don't have any money for bail.

Bail? We don't need money for bail. Nothing's happened. Relax.

Nothing? We're getting pulled over, aren't we? You stole something. You're finished.

Shut up. All right?

All right. Here he comes.

Show me your hands!

-Jesus. Show me your hands! Get 'em up!

Get 'em up! Up!

Now put your hands on top of your head and get out of the car!

Out of the car! Go.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm sure. It's number three and five.

Ridiculous. All this over a can of tuna.

Keep quiet!

Yeah. Uh-huh. You sure about that?

Yeah, he's standing right here.

All right. Bye.

I think we may get a confession.

I just heard that someone shot Jimmy Willis.

He's dead. Oh, my God!

Who would do such a thing?

Hello, Bill. I'm Sheriff Farley. Hi.

Do you know why you're here? Yeah.

I do. I'm sorry. It was a stupid thing to do.

Have you been made aware of your rights?

Yes.

You willing to waive that right?

Yes. I'm willing to cooperate fully.

I'll sign a statement or whatever makes this whole thing easier.

Good. Good. That's-That's good.

But I want you to know, Stan, he had nothing to do with it.

Did he help you plan it?

No. I mean- I mean, it wasn't planned out. You know, it just happened.

Did Stan try to stop you at any time?

No. I mean, he was-

Why? Is that a big deal? Aidin' and abettin'.

Aiding and abetting? What is that, a major thing?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

An accessory?

Are you guys kidding? An accessory? I didn't help. I didn't plan it.

You didn't try to stop it.

I didn't know it was happening. I found out later in the car.

Why didn't you get out? Call the police then?

He's my friend.

Well, your friend has put you in a lot of trouble.

What's gonna happen to Bill?

Nothin', unless he's convicted.

Of course if he is, we're gonna run enough electricity through him to light up Birmingham.

We were friends at NYU.

We both applied, and we got scholarships to UCLA.

We figured the weather and the scenery would be nicer going through the South.

What about the tuna fish? Then I forgot about the can of tuna fish.

And then we-we left.

Did he catch you with the tuna fish? Is that how it started?

No. He didn't say anything. But he knew about it?

I don't know.

Let's talk about that for a moment.

You paid for the groceries.

And then what? We went out to the car, and that's it.

When'd you shoot him?

What? At what point did you shoot the clerk?

I shot the clerk? Yes. When did you shoot him?

I shot the clerk?

Hey, Dean. We need you out here.

I'm in the middle of a damn confession here!

Whoa! Wait a minute!

What's the matter?

Do you know what this is all about? Yeah, they're fucking with us.

You don't believe them? No. They don't execute for shoplifting.

You think we're being booked for shoplifting, huh? No.

You're being booked for shoplifting. I'm being booked for accessory to shoplifting.

No. Stan, I'm being booked for murder, and you're being booked for accessory to murder.

It's time to make your phone calls.

Goddamn it! Is there any way you could contact your parents?

How? Call the Chilean consulate?

What are they going to do, send a guide into the mountains, looking for them? No.

We need to call an attorney, a great attorney.

Do you know any great attorneys?

No. I'm calling my mother.

Hello, Ma. We're in Wahzoo.

It's in Beechum County, Alabama, Ma.

Not too good, Ma. We, uh...

We-We've been arrested.

Ma? Ma, please.

Ma, please, first of all, we didn't do it, all right?

Murder. Ma. Ma, please-

Ma, it's a mistake. We must look like the guys who did it.

Tell her what we think is happening. What we think's happening is-

Shut up. We think they're trying to set us up as patsies, Ma.

You know how corrupt it is down here.

They all know each other. The Klan's here. They're inbred. They sleep with their sisters.

Some of them do. All right, Ma, listen.

We gotta get an attorney, and it's gonna cost a lot of money.

How much would an attorney cost? A decent one? $50,000. $100,000.

50,000. 100,000- I know, Ma. I know.

Can we use any attorney? I think so.

He says he thinks so.

Oh, he is? Well, that's a great idea. You'll think he'll do it? What?

We got an attorney in the family. Great! Who?

My cousin Vinny!

' Mind your business ♪ ' She's sayin' this '

♪ Then he's sayin' that ' What is that?

' I thought she was thin I thought she was fat '

' Deception, collection Use your own affliction '

' The trial of survival '

' You need to mind your business '

' Yeah Mind your business '

' Mind your business ' ' Mind your business '

' Mind your business ' Where is he from?

' You need to mind your business '

' They try to tie you down '

' With a ball and chain'

' You try to make a move '

' So they change the game '

' Every time you're up they try to bring you down '

' I'm telling you right now '

' Deception, collection Infection, objection... ''

What? Nothin'. You stick out like a sore thumb around here.

Me? What about you?

I fit in better than you. At least I'm wearing cowboy boots.

Oh, yeah, you blend.

I bet the Chinese food here is terrible.

I don't see anything out of whack under there.

It feels like the wheels went out of balance after we hit that mud. That's not it.

I think you should put it on a rack and take a look.

What's wrong?

What? What's the problem?

Nothing. The car was shimmying on the highway a little bit.

You got mud in your tires.

I got mud in my tires? Mm-hmm.

How do you get mud into the tires? That's just a figure of speech.

The mud gets around the inside of the wheel, throws the balance off.

You ever hear of that? Mud in the tires?

No. She never heard of it. She knows everything about cars.

Hmm.

Now see, down here, everybody gets stuck in the mud every now and then.

Yep, we're famous for our mud.

Famous for your mud? How's your Chinese food?

You just keep on asking about Chinese food.

Can't you tell they don't have Chinese restaurants around here?

Gotta let everybody know you're a tourist. Come on.

Oh. What are you, a fuckin' world traveler?

Stop the death penalty!

Our jail was condemned this morning.

That's why we're bringing you all out to the state corrections facility.

Stop the death penalty!

Stop the death penalty!

Unlock the gate!

Go on through.

Whoo!


You know what happens in these places? Yeah, I know what happens in these places.

And sometimes there's a big guy named Bubba no one wants to tangle with.

He'll protect you, but you have to become his sex slave and do whatever he wants.

There's only the two of us here.

What about those cots? I mean, what if they put somebody else in here?

Stan.

Shut up. Okay.

Hey! I can't believe my luck!

Here.

We got somebody for you.

You must be Stan. How ya doin'?

Why'd they bring you in here? Well, I just got in.

I asked where the new guys were, and they brought me right here.

He's sleeping, huh? Cute little guy.

Maybe I'll just start with you. We'll let him sleep a little bit.

I don't wanna do this. Hey, I don't blame you.

If I was in your situation, I'd want to get through this whole thing as quickly... and with as little pain as possible.

So, you know, let's try our best to make it a simple in-and-out procedure.

What's the matter?

Relax. Relax. Relax.

You know, maybe we should spend a couple of minutes together, you know, to get acquainted before we, uh, you know, before we get to it.

What's wrong with you? I don't want to do this.

Well, I understand, but, you know, what are your alternatives?

My alternatives? Yeah.

To what? To you? I don't know. Suicide. Death.

Look, it's either me or them. You're gettin' fucked one way or the other.

Hey, hey, hey.

Lighten up, okay? Don't worry. I'm gonna help ya.

Oh. Gee, thanks.

Excuse me, but I think a modicum of gratitude would not be out of line here.

You think I should be grateful?

Yeah. I mean, it's your ass, not mine.

I think you should be grateful.

I think you should be down on your fuckin' knees.

I'm sorry. I didn't know it was such an honor to get a visit from you.

I'm doing a favor here, you know? You're gettin' me for nothing, ya little fuck.

Boy, that's one hell of an ego you've got.

What the fuck is your problem?

I did not come down here just to get jerked off.

No, no. No, no.

I'm not jerking you off. I'm not doing anything.

That's it. You're on your own. I'm just taking care of Sleeping Beauty.

Hey, Billy! Hey, back off!

Vin! Hey, Vinny! Vinny?

Vinny Bag-o'-doughnuts, how are ya? This is Vinny?

I don't know where to start.

Have you had any murder cases before?

None. This would be my first.

Your first? Yeah.

What kind of cases have you had? Assault and battery, armed robbery. You know.

No.

Well, I expect he's done burglary, grand theft auto, drugs. Right, Vin?

No. Nothing like that either.

What kind... What kind of law do you practice?

Well, up till now, uh, personal injury.

Well, you're a trial attorney, right? I mean, personal injury trials.

Well, actually, this would be my first foray into the trial process.

I haven't had to go to court yet.

Knock on wood.

You haven't had to go to court yet. How long have you been practicing?

Almost six weeks.

But- Vin, you graduated from law school six years ago. What have you been doing since?

Studying for the bar.

Six years? Mm-hmm.

That's a lot of studying.

Well, to be honest with you, I, um- I didn't pass my first time out.

That's okay. You probably passed the second time, right?

I'm afraid not.

Three times a charm? Not for me it isn't.

No. For me, six times was a charm.

Six times.


A little informal, aren't we?

I was just resting... Not wearing a coat or tie.

Oh! Sorry.

Well, approving an attorney from out of state is a pretty informal matter.

I just have a few questions. Okay. Fire away, Judge.

Where did you go to law school? Brooklyn Academy of Law.

Is that an accredited law school?

Uh-

Oh. Yes.

How long you been practicing?

Oh, about, uh, six, uh-

Almost 16 years.

Any murder cases? Lots of them. Quite a few. Yes.

What was the outcome?

Uh, you know, win some, lose some.

Hmm.

This is not the forum to be cavalier.

Oh, of course. Now let me see.

Most recently, I had an ax murder, which I won on the grounds of temporary insanity.

Want to hear the facts of the case? No.

What else? Let me see. What else?

You ever heard of the Son of Sam?

Fellow who received orders to kill from a dog?

That one.

You defended him? Well, no. Not exactly.

I, uh- I defended the first guy they arrested.

And, uh, he was found innocent and set free, and, uh, they caught the real guy.

Well, we don't have any serial killers in Beechum County.

But what we do have is every bit as sophisticated a system of justice... as they do in the rest of the country.

Oh, I'm sure. You being from New York and all might have the impression that law is... practiced with a certain degree of informality down here.

It isn't. Right.

I tell you this because I want you to know that when it comes to procedure, I'm not a patient man.

I advise you, sir, when you come into my courtroom, you are to know the letter of the law.

I react harshly when you don't. You should.

Don't think being from New York you're gonna get special treatment. I shouldn't.

You won't.

You'll be given no leeway whatsoever.

I expect you to know this information when you come into my courtroom.

Uh-huh. Right.

You willing to accept those terms? Right. No problem.

Just this?


' And if you love him '

' Oh, be proud of him '

' 'Cause after all, he’s just a man '

This is gonna be great. Vinny's first case.

So? What can I do to help? ' Stand by your man '

Nothing? ' Give him two arms to cling to '

No.

' And something warm to come to '

' When nights are cold ''

What the fuck is that?

Want to sit at the counter?

Hey. How ya doin'?

Listen. Uh, what's the story with this incredibly, remarkably, loud whistle at 5:30 in the morning?

It's the steam whistle. Oh.

Over at the sawmill. Tell folks it's time to get up.

You can hear it for miles.

Y'all want something? Yeah.

Hmm.

Breakfast? Ya think?

Uh... Good choice.

Two.

Excuse me.

You guys down here... hear about the ongoing cholesterol problem in the country?

What's-What's this over here? You never heard of grits?

Sure. Sure. I heard of grits.

I just actually never seen a grit before.

Go ahead, honey. You gonna try it? You first.

What is a grit anyways? It's made out of corn. Them hominy grits.

Hominy.

Hmm.

How you cook it? Well, you simmer it in water for 15 or 20 minutes.

Put it on the plate and add butter.

So? You gonna eat it or not?


Here?

Is your attorney here? I am the attorney.

Oh. Jim Trotter III, District Attorney, Beechum County.

Vincent La Guardia Gambini I. Brooklyn.

Nice to see you.


Yeah.

Vin. Hey.

All rise for His Honor, Judge Chamberlain Haller.

The court of Beechum County is now in session.

Be seated.

First case.. The People of the State of Alabama... versus William Robert Gambini and Stanley Marcus Rothenstein.

Stein. She called me "Stine." Just-

Counselor, your clients are charged with first-degree murder. How do they plead?

Your Honor, my clients... Don't talk to me sittin' in that chair.

Well, he told me to sit here.

When you're addressing this court, you will rise... and speak to me in a clear, intelligible voice.

Sorry.

My clients are... What are you wearin'?

Huh?

What are you wearin'? I'm, uh, wearin', uh, clothes.

I-I-I don't get the question.

When you come into my court looking like you do, you not only insult me, but you insult the integrity of this court.

I apologize, sir, but, uh, this is how I dress.

Next time you come into my courtroom, you will look lawyerly.

And I mean you comb your hair and wear a suit and tie.

And that suit better be made out of some kind of cloth.

You understand me?

Uh, yes. Uh, fine, Judge. Fine. Good.

You may continue. How do your clients plead?

Uh, my clients, caught completely by surprise, they thought they were getting arrested for, uh, shoplifting a can of tuna.

What are you telling me, that they plead not guilty?

No. I'm-I'm just trying to explain.

I don't want to hear explanations. The State of Alabama has its procedure.

And that procedure, at this point in time, is to have an arraignment.

Are we clear on this? Uh, yes.

But, uh, there seems to be a great deal of confusion here.

Mr. Gambini. See, my clients, uh-

Uh, Mr. Gambini.

You want me to come all the way?

Okay.

All I ask from you is a very simple answer to a very simple question.

There are only two ways to answer it. Guilty or not guilty.

Your Honor, my clients didn't do anything.

Once again the communication process is broken down.

It appears to me that you want to skip the arraignment process, go directly to trial, skip that and get a dismissal.

Well, I'm not about to revamp the entire judicial process... just because you find yourself in the unique position... of defending clients who say they didn't do it.

Now, next words out of your mouth are either gonna be "guilty" or "not guilty."

I don't want to hear commentary, argument or opinion.

If I hear anything other than "guilty" or "not guilty," you'll be in contempt.

I don't even want to hear you clear your throat.

I hope I've been clear.

Now, how do your clients plead?

I think I get the point.

No, I don't think you do.

You're now in contempt of court.

Would you like to go for two counts of contempt?

Not guilty. Thank you.

Bail will be set at $200,000.

Preliminary hearing will be set for 9:30 a.m. tomorrow morning.

Bailiff, please take Mr. Gambini into custody. His bail will be set at $200.

Come with me, please.

All rise as the judge leaves.

You have to bail me out. You know that, right?

Hey, Tom!

Let's go. Yeah, what you want, Junior?

They're gonna nuke this guy Norton this weekend.

Looks like it.

You got one huge responsibility, taking on this murder case.

You screw up, and those boys get fried.

I know.

So you think you know what you're doin'?

Yeah, I think I know what I'm doin'.

'Cause you didn't look like you knew what you were doin' today in that courtroom.

Why is that? Well, it's a lot of procedure. That's all.

I mean, I'll learn it as I go. Learn as you go?

Yeah. Yeah. Didn't they teach that in law school?

No. That's not what they teach you. They teach you contracts, precedents, interpretations.

Then the firm that hires you, they teach you procedures.

Or you could go to court and watch.

So why didn't you go to court and watch?

Because between your father's garage and working nights, when was I supposed to go?

I thought maybe this summer I would take off a couple of months.

But it ain't no big deal.

Are you sure? Yes, I'm sure.

I don't know how you can be so sure when you don't know what it is you're supposed to know.

It's a procedure. Like rebuilding a carburetor has a procedure.

You know when you rebuild a carburetor, the first thing you do is you take the carburetor off the manifold?

Supposing you skipped the first step?

And, while you're replacing one of the jets, you accidentally drop the jet.

It goes down the carburetor, rolls along the manifold and goes into the head. You're fucked.

You just learned the hard way that you gotta remove the carburetor first. Right?

So that's all that happened to me today. I learned the hard way.

Actually, it was a good learning experience for me.

All right. Is there any way I could help out in this procedure situation?

Yeah. Keep bailing me out.

There is one problem. We can't afford to keep bailing you out.

I already cashed in half the traveler's checks.

I didn't want to cash them in, but I didn't want to bounce a check, so I tried hustling the money, but I got stiffed, so I had to cash in the traveler's checks.

What do you mean you got stiffed? Did you say you got stiffed?

' 'Cause I'll always come back to you '

' If it ain't none of your business, baby '

' You better keep it... ''


Hey. Vincent La Guardia Gambini.

His name's J.T. J.T.

I believe you and Lisa played a game of pool for $200 which she won. I'm here to collect.

How about if I just kick your ass? Oh, a counteroffer.

That's what we lawyers... I'm a lawyer- We lawyers call that a counteroffer.

Let me see. This is a tough decision you give me here.

Get my ass kicked or collect $200. Hmm.

What do you think? I could use a good ass kicking. I'll be very honest with you.

Hmm.

Nah, I think I'll just go with the 200.

Over my dead body.

You like to renegotiate as you go along, huh?

Okay, then here's my counteroffer.

Do I have to kill you? What if I was just to kick the ever-lovin' shit out of ya?

In your dreams. Oh, no, no, no. In reality.

If I was to kick the shit out of you, do I get the money?

If you kick the shit out of me?

Yeah. Yeah. Then you get the money.

What happened? Rear-ended? No. I fell.

Oh. Okay.

Let's see if we agree on the terms.

The choice now is I get my ass kicked, or option B, I kick your ass and collect the 200.

I'm going with option B: kicking your ass and collecting $200.

We gonna fight now?

Yeah. First, let me see the money.

I have the money. All right. Let me see it. Show it to me.

I can get it. You can get it?

All right. Get it, and then we'll fight.

Did you fall in your place or somebody else's?

My place. Shit.

He blew the arraignment.

It's a simple procedure. You heard what the judge said.

All he had to do was say "guilty" or "not guilty." We could have done that.

So? What are you saying? What am I saying?

You saw what happened in there. You want to stay with him after that?

Shit, Stan. I don't want to fire him. I mean, he's family, you know.

My mother- the way her health is right now-

I appreciate that, but should you die for that?

Wouldn't your mother be more upset if you die?

The thing is, given the chance, I think he could do a good job.

No. You're wrong. Come on, fellas. Knock it off. Let's go.

All right, Stan. Listen to me. You have to see the Gambinis in action.

These people... they love to argue. I mean, they live to argue.

My parents argue too. That doesn't make them good lawyers.

Stan, I've seen your parents argue. Trust me. They're amateurs.

Is that a drip I hear?

Yeah.

Weren't you the last one to use the bathroom?

So?

Well, did you use the faucet? Yeah.

Then why didn't you turn it off? I did turn it off.

Well, if you turned it off, why am I listening to it?

Did it ever occur to you it could be turned off and drip at the same time?

No, because if you turned it off, it wouldn't drip.

Maybe it's broken. Is that what you're saying? It's broken?

Yeah, that's it. It's broken.

You sure?

I'm positive.

Maybe you didn't twist it hard enough.

I twisted it just right. How could you be so sure?

If you will look in the manual, you will see that this particular model faucet... requires a range of 10 to 16 foot-pounds of torque.

I routinely twist to maximum allowable torquage.

How could you be sure you used 16 foot-pounds of torque?

Because I used a Craftsman model 10-19, laboratory edition, signature series torque wrench.

The kind used by Caltech high-energy physicists and NASA engineers.

Well, in that case, how could you be sure that's accurate?

Because a split second before the torque wrench was applied to the faucet handle, it had been calibrated by top members... of the state and federal Department of Weights and Measures... to be dead-on balls accurate.

Here's a certificate of validation.

Dead-on balls accurate?

It's an industry term.

I guess the fuckin' thing is broken.

We gotta move.

Then I heard two loud bangs like firecrackers.

I looked up and saw two young men run out from the Sac-O-Suds... and jump into a green car with a white convertible top... and drive off like the dickens.

Mrs. Riley, are those two young men present in the courtroom today? Yes, sir, they are.

Could you point 'em out for me, please, ma'am? They's sittin' right there.

Uh-huh. Now, uh, Mrs. Riley, is this the car?

Yes, sir, it is. Thank you, ma'am.

Let the record show Mrs. Constance Riley identified the defendant's car.

I was makin' my breakfast.

I saw them two boys go into the store.

Then later, I heard a gunshot.

Looked out the window.

They was runnin' out, got into the car and drove off.

Is this the car?

Yes, it is.

Thank you, sir.

You saw those two boys run out of the Sac-O-Suds, jump in this car and take off?

Yeah. They peeled away. Car was all over the road. Thank you, sir.

I asked him if he did it, and he said, "I shot the clerk."

I asked him again, and again he said, "I shot the clerk."

Your Honor, no further questions.

Mr. Gambini? Yes?

You have anything to add? Thing? What thing?

Not for me to say.

Uh, no, sir.

You can stand down.

Do you have any other witnesses? No, Your Honor.

The court finds sufficient evidence exists for this matter to go to trial.

I'm setting this matter for trial this Monday, February 2, 10:00 a.m.

Mr. Gambini.

Stand up.

Now didn't I tell you next time you appear in my courtroom that you dress appropriately?

You were serious about that?

Why didn't you ask them any questions? Questions?

Ask who questions?

You knew you could ask questions, didn't you, Vin?

Maybe if you put up some kind of a fight, you could've gotten the case thrown out.

Hey, Stan, you're in Ala-fuckin'-bama.

You come from New York. You killed a good ol' boy.

There is no way this is not goin' to trial.

What the fuck is goin' on here, Vinny?

You fuckin' up this case or what?

I explained it to you already. It’s just procedure. I'm bound to fuck up a little.

A little? You got thrown in jail. Twice.

Hey. I know I was in jail. I don't need you to point it out to me, okay?

I mean, you-you're my fiancée.

You're supposed to stand by your man, you know, encourage me a little bit.

A little encouragement.

Is that what you want? Yeah.

Oh, I'm sorry. You were wonderful in there.

The way you handled that judge. Oh, you are a smooth talker!

You are. You are. All right. Knock it off. Knock it off.

You think I like fuckin' up? Is that it?

You know, you raggin' on me is not gonna give me any great spontaneous knowledge.

Yeah? So shut it!


Fuck.

You done readin'? Yeah.

You wanna go to bed?

I don't know. I don't feel good.

You shouldn't feel good. You haven't slept much in three days.

That's part of it.

You know what it is?

I'm, uh... I'm really scared.

You should be.

How the fuck did I get into this shit?

"Oh, sure, no problem. I could win the case."

I already got myself sent to jail twice.

I could win this thing, you know. I know I could.

If I could keep my ass awake and out of jail long enough, bet you I could, huh?

You know what I think? What?

Honestly? I think that once you're out there, and you're doing your thing out there, I think you're gonna be really great.

Really great.

If... you don't fuck up.


If this was a conspiracy, they'd have to get all those people to lie.

You think that's what's happening?

Look, I think we should meet with the public defender, see what he's like.

If he's honest, then we should go with him.

All right.

That's Death Row in there.

It is?

The chair ain't workin' like it used to.

The guy we fried last week- took us three attempts, and his head caught fire.

See, there's no money in the budget to get it looked at.

I say it'd be cheaper to get it fixed... than keep runnin' up them extra electric bills.

Hi, Stanley.

My name is John Gibbons, and I'm, um, an attorney in the public defender's office.

Hi, John. Hey.

Now, the evidence against you is pretty strong.

So, um, why don't you just tell me your side of the story?

Hey, Vin.

Hey. Billy. How are you?

How you feel? Okay? All right. Hanging in.

Where's Stan? Uh, Stan. He's not comin'... Stan.

He's, um-

Well, he wants to go with the public defender.

Listen, Vin. I-

I'm goin' with the public defender too.

I'm sorry. I-I'm sorry. I just didn't know what little experience you have with this.

What, are you scared?

Yeah, I'm scared.

Look, maybe I could have handled the preliminary a little better, okay? I admit it.

But what's most important is winnin' the case. I could do it.

I really could.

Let me tell you how, okay? The D.A. has got to build a case.

Building a case is like building a house.

Each piece of evidence is just another building block.

He wants to make a brick bunker of a building.

He wants to use serious, solid-looking bricks like these, right?

Right.

Let me show you something.

He's gonna show you the bricks.

He'll show you they got straight sides.

He'll show you how they got the right shape.

He'll show them to you in a very special way... so that they appear to have everything a brick should have.

But there's one thing he's not gonna show you.

When you look at the bricks at the right angle, they're as thin as this playing card.

His whole case is an illusion, a magic trick.

It has to be an illusion, 'cause you're innocent.

Nobody- I mean nobody- pulls the wool over the eyes of a Gambini, especially this one.

Give me the chance.

One chance.

Let me question the first witness.

If after that point you don't think that I'm the best man for the job, fire me then and there.

I'll leave quietly, no grudges.

All I ask is for that one chance.

I think you should give it to me.

He thinks you should give it to him?

What was he before he was a lawyer, a fuckin' comedian?

How can it hurt? If he doesn't ask the right questions, your lawyer will, right?

He could still fuck things up.

There's more to cross-examination than knowing what to say.

It's knowing what not to say.

Look, let's say he asks all the possible questions, right?

And the witness has all the answers. He ends up proving the prosecution's case.

How did he ever talk you into it?

At my cousin Ruthie's wedding, the groom's brother was that guy Alakazam.

You know who I'm talking about?

The magician with the ponytail? Right.

Well, he did his act. Every time he made something disappear, Vinny jumped on him.

I mean, he nailed him. It was, "It's in his pocket."

Or, "He's palming it." Or, "There's a mirror under the table."

He was like, "Wait a second. Wait a second. It’s joined in the middle.

There's a spring around it. It pops it open when it's inside the tube."

I mean, it was... it was Alakazam's worst nightmare.

But he was just being Vinny.

He was just being the quintessential Gambini.

There goes the quintessential Norton.

Lookee here, J.T.

Hey, hey, little Yankee boy. Look here what I got.

What is it?

Two hundred dollars.

Bring it here. Let me see it.

Hmm.

How do I know that's not a bunch of ones with a 20 wrapped around it?

It's 200 bucks. Fan it out. Show it to me.

Yeah, right.


Mmm.


Does that freight train come through at 5:00 a.m. every morning?

No, sir. It's very unusual.

Okay.

I was making a lot of money, winning most of my cases.

Excuse me, Mr. Trotter. Thank you, Shirley.

But my clients were guilty as hell.

And finally, after getting this one fellow off some very serious charges for about the fourth time, I tell you the truth... my conscience got to me.

Wouldn't I be better off serving justice by puttin' the guilty in jail?

Well, that's what I've been doing, and, uh, I'm a happier man for it.

Hmm. How about you?

Well, I got a bullshit traffic ticket.

I went to court.

I got the cop on the stand, and I argued with him until he admitted he was wrong.

And, uh, the judge- this Judge Malloy- all the while, he's laughin' and smilin'.

And then afterwards, he asked me to go to lunch with him.

Then he says to me, "You know what? You'd be a good litigator."

I don't know what the hell he was talking about. I don't know what a litigator is.

I never thought of becoming a lawyer.

But this Judge Malloy was from Brooklyn too.

I mean, he did it, so all of a sudden it seemed possible.

So I went to law school.

Then, from time to time, he would come by, see how I was doin', if I needed anything.

He was a nice man.

I mean, to go out of his way like that for me, you know?

He wanted his son to follow in his footsteps, but he became a musician or something.

I remember when I graduated, he was so proud of me.

That's quite a story. Yeah.

So, we got some case ahead of us here, huh? Oh, yeah.

How do you feel about it? Oh.

Well, I'd... I'd like to have the murder weapon.

But other than that, I feel pretty good.

You do? Oh, yeah.

Hmm. Hey, what are you doing this afternoon?

You're going hunting? That's right.

Why are you goin' huntin'? Shouldn't you be out preparin' for court?

I was thinkin' last night.

If only I knew what he knows, you know?

If he let me look at his files- Oh, boy.

Well, I don't get it. What has gettin' to Trotter's files have anything to do with hunting?

Well, you know, two guys out in the woods, guns, on the hunt.

It's a bonding thing, you know? Show him I'm one of the boys.

He's not gonna let me look at his files, but maybe he'll relax enough... to drop his guard so that I can finesse a little information out of him.

What am I gonna wear? What are you gonna hunt?

I don't know. He's got, uh... He's got a lot of stuffed heads in his office.

Heads?

What kind of heads? I don't know.

He's got a boar, a bear, a couple of deer. Whoa. You're gonna shoot a deer?

I don't know. I suppose. I mean, I'm a man's man. I could go deer huntin'.

A sweet, innocent, harmless, leaf-eatin', doe-eyed, little deer.

Hey, Lisa, I'm not gonna go out there just to wimp out, you know?

I mean, the guy will lose respect for me. Would you rather have that?

What about these pants I got on? You think they're okay?

Oh!

Imagine you're a deer.

You're prancin' along. You get thirsty.

You spot a little brook.

You put your little deer lips down to the cool, clear water.

Bam! A fuckin' bullet rips off part of your head!

Your brains are laying on the ground in little bloody pieces.

Now I ask you, would you give a fuck what kind of pants... the son of a bitch who shot you was wearing?

I'd sure like to get a look at your files.

You would? Sure.

You got a Xerox machine over there? Uh, no.

Oh, that's okay. I'll have my secretary do it.

Shirley, can you xerox all the files... on the Gambini/Rothenstein case for Mr. Gambini?

Yeah. Thank you, sweetheart.

What's all that? Trotter's files, all of 'em.

You stole his files? I didn't steal his files.

Listen to this.

I'm just waiting to finesse him. I'm startin' to finesse him. I got him goin'.

He offers to have his secretary copy everything for me.

That's very impressive finessing.

That's not all.

He's lettin' us use his hunting cabin as soon as he gets back.

It's in the woods. It's quiet. He sleeps like a baby when he's there.

Terrific. You're a hell of a bonder.

What's this? You, uh, readin' this book?

Yeah. Do me a favor, okay? Don't read this book.

Okay? Thank you very much.

All right.

Don't you wanna know why Trotter gave you his files?

I told you why already.

He has to, by law. You're entitled. It's called "disclosure," you dickhead.

He has to show you everything.

Otherwise, it could be a mistrial.

He has to give you a list of all his witnesses. You can talk to all his witnesses.

He's not allowed any surprises.

They didn't teach you that in law school either?

Now let me ask you this.

How many different levels of thickness have you gone through?

What'd you have for breakfast? Well-

What's that brown stuff?

Huh?


Yesterday, you told me that freight train hardly ever comes through here... at 5:00 a.m. in the morning. I know.

She's supposed to come through at 10 after 4:00.

Can you participate in an endeavor in which the ultimate decision might be death by electrocution?

Ma'am?

I think it should be left up to the victims' families rather than the courts.

Uh-huh. Uh, the defendants in this case... are charged with robbing a convenience store, and then, in a most cowardly fashion, shootin' the clerk in the back.

Now, if sufficient evidence is offered to prove these facts, you think you could...

Fry 'em.

She'll do.

Hmm.

Mr. Gambini.

Come in, come in.

I just got a fax from the New York State Office of Judicial Records...

that they have no records... of any Vincent Gambini ever trying any case in the entire state of New York.

Uh, you're not gonna find any, uh- any records... of Vincent La Guardia Gambini practicing in any courts.

I just told you that. You don't understand.

See, 20 years ago, I became a actor.

And there was this very prominent stage actor in New York. His name was Vincent Gambini.

Maybe you heard of him. No.

Never heard of him? Doesn't matter. Anyway, I had to change my name, which I did, legally.

So now I practice law under my legally changed stage name. What name is that?

Jerry Gal-

Jerry Gallo.

You can still call me Gambini.

Sorry.

And what name did you tell him? Jerry Gallo.

Jerry Gallo? The big attorney?

Yeah. Think that was a smart move?

Yeah, well, the man is a seriously accomplished lawyer.

He checks up on this guy, his name will show up all over the place.

His name was in the papers all last week. Yeah, I saw that.

But you didn't actually read the articles.

No. That's too bad.

Why is that? 'Cause he's dead.

What's the matter with you?

I don't know.

You're acting like you're nervous or somethin'. Well, yeah, I am.

What are you nervous about? I'm the one under the gun here.

Trial starts tomorrow. You wanna know what I'm nervous about?

I'll tell you what I'm nervous about. I am in the dark here with all this legal crap.

I have no idea what's going on. All's I know is you're screwin' up, and I can't help.

You lent me your little camera, didn't you?

Oh, Vinny, I'm watchin' you go down in flames, and you're bringing me with you, and I can't do anything about it.

And? Well, I hate to bring it up, because you got enough pressure on you already, but... we agreed to get married as soon as you won your first case.

Meanwhile, 10 years later, my niece, the daughter of my sister, is gettin' married.

My biological clock is tickin' like this, and the way this case is goin', I ain't never gettin' married!

Lisa, I don't need this.

I swear to God, I do not need this right now, okay?

I got a judge that’s just achin' to throw me in jail, an idiot who wants to fight me for $200, slaughtered pigs, giant, loud whistles.

I ain't slept in five days.

I got no money, a dress-code problem, and a little murder case which, in the balance, holds the lives of two innocent kids, not to mention your... biological clock, my career' your life, our marriage, and let me see...

What else could we pile on?

Is there any more shit we could pile on to the top of the outcome of this case?

Is it possible?

Maybe it was a bad time to bring it up.

What the fuck is that?


This is very romantic... out here in this field, under the stars, quiet, no one around for miles.

It's very romantic.

I don't see no stars.

Oh, honey, move.

My back. Wait.

I gotta get up.

Just let me-

This fucking jacket!

Hey! Ohh.

Oh.

Fuck!


Okay.

Whoa! You okay?

What was in that pink plastic thing in the trunk? It's your suit.

What is my suit doin' in the trunk?

I had it cleaned. I thought it would be a nice surprise- go in there with a nice clean suit.

Got 30 fucking minutes to take a shower, get a new suit, get dressed and get to the fuckin' courthouse.

You fuckin' shower. I'll get your fuckin' suit.

Hey, hey! Little Yankee wuss!

Lookee here. I got your $200.

You gonna kick the shit outta me now?


Well, here he comes.

Mr. Gambini, are you mocking me with that outfit?

Mocking you? No, I'm not mocking you, Judge.

Then explain that... outfit.

I bought a suit. You've seen it. Now it's covered in mud.

This town doesn't have a one-hour cleaners, so I had to buy a new suit.

Except that the only store you could buy a new suit in has got the flu.

You get that? The whole store got the flu.

So I had to get this in a secondhand store.

So... it's either wear the leatherjacket, which I know you hate, or this.

So I wore this ridiculous thing for you.

Are you on drugs?

Drugs? No, I don't take drugs.

I don't like your attitude. What else is new?

I'm holdin' you in contempt of court. There's a fuckin' surprise.

What'd you say? What?

What'd you just say?

What'd I say? What?

Uh, Your Honor, counsel, members of the jury, the evidence in this case is gonna show... that at 9:30 in the morning of January 4, both defendants, Stanley Rothenstein and William Gambini, were seen gettin' out of their metallic green...

1964 Buick Skylark convertible with a white top.

The evidence is gonna show that they were seen entering... the Sac-O-Suds convenience store in Wahzoo City.

The evidence is gonna show that minutes after they entered the Sac-O-Suds, a gunshot was heard by three eyewitnesses.

You're gonna then hear the testimony of the three eyewitnesses... who saw the defendants running out of the Sac-O-Suds... a moment after the shots were heard, gettin' into their faded, metallic green 1964 Buick Skylark... and driving off in great haste.

Finally, the state is gonna prove... that the defendants, Gambini and Rothenstein, admitted, then recanted, their testimony to the sheriff of Beechum County.

Now let's get down to the link lock.

Your verdict is gonna depend... on what you think of the sworn testimony.

Not what I think. What I think don't count.

You're the jury. It's your job to decide who's telling the truth.

Truth. That's what "verdict" means.

It's a word comes down from old England... and all our little old ancestors.

Now, we're gonna be asking you to return a verdict... of murder in the first degree for William Gambini... and a verdict of accessory to murder in the first degree... for Stanley Rothenstein... for helping Gambini... commit this heinous crime.

Counselor, do you wish to make an opening statement?

Counselor?

Vinny. Vinny. What?

Come on. It's time to make your opening statement. Come on, Vin.

Uh, everything that guy just said is bullshit. Thank you.

Objection, Your Honor. Counsel's entire opening statement is argument.

Objection sustained. The entire opening statement, with the exception of “Thank you," will be stricken from the record.

The jury will please disregard counsel's entire opening statement.

And you, Mr. Gambini-

You will not use that kind of language in my court. You understand me?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Putz.

Counselor? Your statement, sir.

Well, now, uh, ladies and gentlemen of the j-j-j- of-of-of-of the j-j-j... jury!

Um, on-on... on-on... on January f-f-f-f- f-f-f-f-f-f-f-fourth of this year, my client did indeed visit... the Sac-O-Suds con-con- um, um, um, convenience store.

But... But... he didn't, um- kill anyone.

He-He, uh, um, uh-

We-We intend to prove... that the p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p- prosecution's case is circumstantial... and-and-and-and-and-

Oh! Uh, coincidental.

Thank you.

That's it? What about everything we talked about?

I get a little nervous sometimes. I'm gettin' better. A little nervous?

I heard a gunshot, so I looked out the window, and I seen them two boys run out, get into their car and drive off like maniacs, tires screeching, smoking, going up on the curb.

Is this the car? Yes, sir.

Thank you, sir. No further questions, Your Honor.

Your witness.

All right. Mr., uh, T-T-T-T-T-T- uh... um- uh, T-T-T... uh, Tipton!

Now, when you viewed my clients, how-how-how far away were you?

About 50 feet. Oh, now, do you think that's close enough... to make an accurate, uh, i- i-i-i-i-i-i-i... identification?

Yes.

Mr. Tipton, I see you wear eyeglasses.

Sometimes. Would you care to show those eyeglasses to the jury, please? Thank you.

Thank you. Now, Mr. Tipton, were you wearing them that day?

No. You see, you were 50 feet away, you made a positive eyewitness identification, and-and-and-and-and-and-and-and yet, you were not wearing your necessary prescription eyeglasses?

They're readin' glasses.

Um-

Well, um, uh, Mr., uh, uh, uh, uh-

Could you tell the court... what color eyes the-the-the defendants have?

Brown. Hazel green.

No more questions.

Mr. Gambini, your witness.

He's a tough one. Yes.

Mr. Tipton, when you viewed the defendants walking from their car... into the Sac-O-Suds, what angle was your point of view?

They was kinda walkin' toward me when they entered the store.

And when they left, what angle was your point of view?

They was kinda walkin' away from me.

So would you say you got a better shot of them going in and not so much comin' out?

You could say that. I did say that. Would you say that?

Yeah. Is it possible the two "youts"-

The two what?

Wh-Wh-What was that word? Uh, what word?

Two what? What?

Did you say "youts"? Yeah, two "youts."

What is a "yout"? Oh. Excuse me, Your Honor.

Two youths.

Is it possible the two defendants entered the store, picked 22 specific items off of the shelves, had the clerk take money, make change, then leave... then two different men drive up in a similar-

Don't shake your head. I'm not done yet.

Wait till you hear the whole thing so you can understand this now.

Two different men drive up in a similar-looking car, go in, shoot the clerk, rob him and then leave?

No. They didn't have enough time.

Well, how much time was they in the store?

Five minutes. Five minutes? Are you sure?

Did you look at your watch? No.

Oh, I'm sorry. You testified earlier that the boys went into the store... and you had just begun to make breakfast.

You were just ready to eat, and you heard a gunshot. That's right. I'm sorry.

So obviously, it takes you five minutes to make breakfast.

That's right. So you knew that.

Uh, do you remember what you had? Eggs and grits.

Eggs and grits. I like grits too.

How do you cook your grits?

You like 'em regular, creamy or al dente?

Just regular, I guess.

Regular. Instant grits?

No self-respecting Southerner uses instant grits.

I take pride in my grits.

So, Mr. Tipton, how could it take you five minutes to cook your grits... when it takes the entire grit-eating world 20 minutes?

I don't know. I'm a fast cook, I guess.

I'm sorry. I was all the way over here. I couldn't hear you.

Did you say you're a fast cook? That's it?

Are we to believe that boiling water soaks into a grit... faster in your kitchen than on any place on the face of the Earth?

I don't know.

Well, perhaps the laws of physics cease to exist on your stove.

Were these magic grits?

I mean, did you buy them from the same guy who sold Jack his beanstalk beans?

Objection, Your Honor. Objection sustained.

You sure about five minutes? Ignore the question. I don't know.

Are you sure about that five minutes? I don't know.

I think you made your point. Are you sure about that five minutes?

I may have been mistaken.

I got no more use for this guy.

You're fired.

I want him!

Come on, now. Move it.

Don't worry.

I'll find a way to bail you out. No, don't.

I'm gonna stay in prison tonight. Maybe I'll finally get some sleep. I'm doin' good, huh?

Hey, how ya doin'?

Hey, Mr. Crane.

What are these pictures of?

My house and stuff. House and stuff.

And what is this brown stuff on the windows?

Dirt. Dirt?

What is this rusty, dusty, dirty-looking thing over your window?

It's a screen. A screen!

It's a screen.

And what are these really big things right in the middle of your view... from the window of your kitchen to the Sac-O-Suds?

What do we call these big things?

Trees? Trees. That's right. Don't be afraid. Just shout 'em right out when you know.

Now, what are these thousands of little things that are on trees?

Leaves. Leaves!

And these bushy things between the trees?

Bushes. Bushes, right. So, Mr. Crane, you could positively identify the defendants, for a moment of two seconds, lookin' through this dirty window, this crud-covered screen, these trees with all these leaves on them, and, I don't know, how many bushes?

Looks like five. Uh-uh. Don't forget this one and this one.

Seven bushes. Seven bushes. So, what do you think?

Is it possible you just saw two guys in a green convertible... and not necessarily these two particular guys?

Well, I suppose. I'm finished with this guy.

Mrs. Riley, when you saw the defendants, were you wearing your glasses? Yes, I was.

Over here, dear.

Would you mind puttin' your glasses on for us, please?

Whoa! How long have you been wearin' glasses?

Since I was six.

Have they always been that thick?

Oh, no. They got thicker over the years.

So as your eyes have gotten more and more out of whack... as you've gotten older, how many different levels of thickness have you gone through?

Oh, I don't know.

Over 60 years, maybe 10 times.

Maybe you're ready for a thicker set.

Oh, no, no. I-I think they're okay.

Maybe we should make sure. Let's check it out.

Now, how far were the defendants from you... when you saw them entering the Sac-O-Suds?

About a hundred feet.

A hundred feet. Would you hold this please?

Thank you.

Sorry. Excuse me. Excuse me.

Sorry. Sorry.

Okay, this is 50 feet.

That's half the distance.

How many fingers am I holding up?

Let the record show that counsel is holding up two fingers.

Your Honor, please, huh?

Oh. Sorry.

Now, Mrs. Riley... and only Mrs. Riley... how many fingers am I holding up now?

Four.

What do you think now, dear?

I'm thinking of gettin' thicker glasses.

Thank you.

Hello? You did good out there today, Yankee. I like the competition.

You like competition too? Makes things kind of fun, doesn't it?

I'm enjoying myself so far. I got a little surprise for you tomorrow.

What's that? You know you have to disclose all your evidence to me.

Well, I just got it myself tonight.

I'll disclose it first thing in the morning. Judge is gonna have to admit it.

Should I be worried? I sure would be if I were you.

Honey, where did you read about all that disclosure shit?

Let me show you. Why?

I'm a special automotive instructor of forensic studies... for the Federal Bureau of Investigation.

Uh-huh. How long you been in that position?

Eighteen years. Your Honor?

May we approach the bench, please? If you wish.

I object to this witness being called at this time.

We've been given no prior notice he'd testify, no discovery of any tests he's conducted... or reports he's prepared, and, as the court is aware, the defense is entitled to advance notice of any witness who will testify, particularly those who will give scientific evidence... so that we could properly prepare for cross-examination... and well as to give the defense an opportunity to have the witness' reports reviewed... by a defense expert who might then be in a position... to contradict the veracity of his conclusions.

Mr. Gambini? Yes, sir?

That is a lucid, intelligent, well-thought-out objection.

Thank you, Your Honor. Overruled.

Now, Mr. Wilbur, these are photos of tires... belonging to the defendants' car.

And these are photos of the tire marks... left by the assailants' car as it fled the convenience store.

Now, are you familiar with these? Yes, I am.

Uh-huh. Could you, uh, elaborate please, sir?

We compared the tire marks outside the convenience store... with the rear tires of the defendants' car.

They're the same model and size tire.

Michelin model XGV, size 75-R, 14-inch wheel.

They're the same size and model tire. Anything else, sir?

Yes, indeed. The car leaving the convenience store... spun its rear tires dramatically... and left a residue of rubber on the asphalt.

Now I took a sample of that rubber and analyzed it.

I also took a sample of the rubber from the rear tires... of the defendants' Buick and analyzed that too.

What kind of equipment did you use to find this out?

I used a Hewlett-Packard 5710-A dual-column gas chromatograph... with flame analyzation detectors.

Uh-huh. Is that thing turbocharged?

Only on the floor models.

Now, Mr. Wilbur, what was the result of your analysis?

The chemical composition between the two samples was found to be identical.

Identical!

No further questions, Your Honor.

Your Honor? Thank you, Mr. Wilbur.

The court'll take a 60-minute recess for lunch.

Your Honor, I respectfully request a full day's continuance to go over all this sh... stuff.

Request denied. Thanks a lot.

And Mr. Gambini? Yes, sir?

I'd like to speak to you in my chambers.

You're a dead man. I'm a dead man?

That's right. I just faxed the clerk of New York and asked him what he knew about Jerry Gallo.

You wanna know what he replied?

Did you say Jerry "Gallo"? Yes, I did.

"Gallo" with a "G"? That's right.

Jerry Gallo's dead.

I'm aware of that.

Well, I'm not Jerry Gallo. I'm Jerry "Callo."

C-A-L-L-O.

All right.

All right.

Let's get this cleared up right now.

Hello. This is Judge Chamberlain Haller. Can I speak to the clerk?

Okay, I'll be here.

He's gonna call back after 3:00.

That gives you a stay of execution, unless by some miracle, you happen to win this case in the next 90 minutes.

Why don't you go to lunch?

Thanks.

I got my pictures back. Oh, good.

What'd the judge say?

He said he found out that Gallo's dead.

He found out? Yeah.

What'd he say?

Lisa, I'm trying to... I'm trying to think about the case now, okay? I'm sorry.

Can I help? "Can I help?"

No, you can't help. I wish you could, but you can't.

Look how you're lookin' at me. Look how you're... What is that look supposed to mean?

I'm a piece of shit 'cause I can't figure out a way for you to help?

Okay, you're helping. We'll use your pictures.

Ah! These are gonna be... You know, I'm sorry. These are gonna be a help.

I should have looked at these pictures before.

I like this. This is, uh- This is our first hotel room, right?

That'll intimidate Trotter. Here's one of me from behind.

And I didn't think I could feel worse than I did a couple of seconds ago. Thank you.

Ah, here's a good one of the tire marks.

Could we get any farther away?

Where'd you shoot this from? Up in a tree? What's this over here?

What-

It's dog shit.

Dog shit! That's great! Dog shit! What a clue!

Why didn't I think of that? Here's one of me reading. Terrific.

I should have asked you a long time ago for these pictures.

Holy shit. You got it, honey! You did it!

The case-cracker: me in the shower!

I love this! That's it!

That is it! I'm out of here.

Lisa!

Lisa!

I'm sorry.

Fuck!

I know I'm missing somethin'. I'm missing somethin'.

Did you find anything?

Very, very little.

Something? Enough to-

Is it possible that two separate cars... could be driving on Michelin model XGV 75-R14s?

Of course.

Let me ask you this: What's the best-selling single model tire... being sold in the United States today?

The Michelin XGV.

And what's the most popular size? 75-R14.

The same size as on the defendants' car.

But two faded green 1964 Buick Skylark convertibles?

Excuse me. What I'm asking you... is if the most popular size of the most popular tire... is on the defendants' car.

Well, yeah.

Yes. Um, thank you.

No further questions.

The witness can stand down.

Counsel?

Uh, Your Honor, the prosecution rests.

Mr. Gambini, your first witness.

Mr. Gambini.

I will ask you one more time and one more time only.

If I ask you again... Your Honor.

Uh, please, uh, can I have a five-minute recess?

My next witness is not in the courtroom right now.

Three minutes, no more.

Sheriff, do me a favor. Please trace this.

It's not my job. You do your own investigating.

Please. I only have three minutes.

Lisa. Lisa, please, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, okay?

I need you to come back into the courtroom, and I need the phone.

Honey, come on now. Stop it. I need the phone.

We have to make up. Listen, let's make up, all right?

We gotta go back inside. Everybody's waiting for us.

Come on. We don't have a lot of time. Just shut up.

Gimme this! Fuck you!

What is it with you with that mouth? Shut up!

Mr. Gambini.

Hey, Sheriff, how are ya? Tell me why.

Lisa, I need your help. I don't give a shit! Leave me alone!

Come on. You'll see. Stop!

Come on. I found it. I found it. Come on. You'll see.

Your Honor, the defense calls as its first witness Ms. Mona Lisa Vito.

I-I object, Your Honor. This person is not on the witness list.

This witness is a expert in the field of automobiles... and is being called to rebut the testimony of George Wilbur.

Your Honor, would you please instruct the bailiff- Officer! to escort Ms. Vito to the witness stand please?

Hold up your right hand. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God? Yeah.

Ms. Vito, you're supposed to be some kinda expert in automobiles- Is that correct?

Is that correct?

Will you please answer the counselor's question?

No. I hate him.

Your Honor, may I have permission to treat Ms. Vito as a hostile witness?

You think I'm hostile now, wait till you see me tonight.

Uh... Do you two know each other?

Yeah. She's my fiancée.

Well, that would certainly explain the hostility.

Your Honor, I object to this witness. Improper foundation.

I'm not aware of this person's qualifications.

I'd like to, uh, voir dire... this witness as to the extent of her expertise.

Granted. Mr. Trotter, you may proceed.

Mm-hmm. Uh, Miss Vito, what's your current profession?

I'm an out-of-work hairdresser.

Out-of-work hairdresser. Now, in what way does that qualify you... as an expert in automobiles? It doesn't.

Well, in what way are you qualified?

Well, my father was a mechanic. His father was a mechanic.

My mother's father was a mechanic.

My three brothers are mechanics.

Four uncles on my father's side are mechanics.

Miss Vito, your family's obviously qualified, but, uh, have you ever worked as a mechanic?

Yeah, in my father's garage, yeah. As a mechanic?

What'd you do in your father's garage?

Tune-ups, oil changes, brake relining, engine rebuilds, rebuilt some trannies, rear ends... Okay.

Okay. But does being an ex-mechanic necessarily... qualify you as being expert on tire marks?

No. Thank you.

Good-bye. Sit down and stay there until you're told to leave.

Your Honor, Ms. Vito's expertise is in general automotive knowledge.

It is in this area that her testimony will be applicable.

Now if Mr. Trotter wishes to voir dire the witness... as to the extent of her expertise in this area, I'm sure he's gonna be more than satisfied.

Okay.

All right. All right.

Now, uh, Miss Vito, being an expert on general automotive knowledge, can you tell me... what would the correct ignition timing be on a 1955 Bel Air Chevrolet... with a 327 cubic inch engine and a four-barrel carburetor?

That's a bullshit question. Does that mean that you can't answer it?

It's a bullshit question. It's impossible to answer.

Impossible because you don't know the answer! Nobody could answer that question.

Your Honor, I move to disqualify Miss Vito as a expert witness.

Can you answer the question?

No. It is a trick question.

Why is it a trick question?

Watch this.

'Cause Chevy didn't make a 327 in '55.

The 327 didn't come out till '62.

And it wasn't offered in the Bel Air with the four-barrel carb till '64.

However, in 1964, the correct ignition timing would be four degrees before top dead center.

Well, um, she's acceptable, Your Honor.

Your Honor, this is a picture... taken by my fiancée outside the Sac-O-Suds.

We agree on this?

Yeah. Thank you.

I'd like to submit this picture of the tire tracks as evidence.

Mr. Trotter?

No objection, Your Honor.

Ms. Vito, did you take this picture?

You know I did. And what is this picture of?

You know what it's of. Ms. Vito, it has been argued by me, the defense, that two sets of guys met up... at the Sac-O-Suds at the same time... driving identical metallic mint-green...

1964 Buick Skylark convertibles.

Now, can you tell us, by what you see in this picture, if the defense's case holds water?

Ms. Vito, please answer the question.

Does the defense's case hold water?

No.

The defense is wrong.

Are you sure?

I'm positive.

How could you be so sure?

Because there is no way that these tire marks were made... by a '64 Buick Skylark.

These marks were made by a 1963 Pontiac Tempest.

Objection, Your Honor. Can we clarify to the court... whether the witness is stating opinion or fact?

This is your opinion? It's a fact.

I find it hard to believe that this kind of information... could be ascertained simply by looking at a picture.

Would you like me to explain?

I would love to hear this! So would I.

The car that made these two equal-length tire marks had positraction.

You can't make those marks without positraction, which was not available on the '64 Buick Skylark.

And why not? What is positraction?

It's a limited slip differential which distributes power equally... to both the right and left tires.

The '64 Skylark had a regular differential, which anyone who's been stuck in the mud in Alabama knows, you step on the gas, one tire spins, the other tire does nothin'.

That's right.

Is that it? No, there's more.

You see when the left tire mark goes up on the curb... and the right tire mark stays flat and even?

Well, the '64 Skylark had a solid rear axle.

So when the left tire would go up on the curb, the right tire would tilt out and ride along its edge.

But that didn't happen here. The tire mark stayed flat and even.

This car had an independent rear suspension.

Now, in the '60s, there were only two other cars made in America... that had positraction and independent rear suspension... and enough power to make these marks.

One was the Corvette, which could never be confused with the Buick Skylark.

The other had the same body length, height, width, weight, wheelbase and wheel track as the '64 Skylark, and that was... the 1963 Pontiac Tempest.

And because both cars were made by G.M., were both cars available... in metallic mint-green paint?

They were. Thank you, Ms. Vito.

No more questions. Thank you very, very much.

You've been a lovely, lovely witness.

Mr. Trotter, would you like to question Ms. Vito?

Mr. Trotter?

Mr. Trotter!

Uh... Uh, no. No, Your Honor. No further questions.

In that case, Your Honor, uh, I'd like to recall George Wilbur.

Ms. Vito, you can stand down.

You realize you're still under oath?

Yes, sir.

Uh, Mr. Wilbur, how'd you like Ms. Vito's testimony?

Very impressive. She's cute too, huh?

Yes, very.

Mr. Gambini. Sorry. Sorry, Your Honor.

Uh, Mr. Wilbur, in your expert opinion, would you say that everything Ms. Vito said on the stand... was a hundred percent accurate?

I'd have to say that.

And is there any way in the world... the Buick that the defendants were driving made those tire tracks?

Come on. You could say. It's okay. They know.

Actually... no.

No. Thank you.

No more questions.

Your Honor, I call Sheriff Farley.

You may stand down now, Mr. Wilbur.

Sheriff, you realize you're still under oath? Yes, sir.

Uh, Sheriff Farley, um, what'd you find out?

On a hunch, I took it upon myself to check out if there was any information... on a '63 Pontiac Tempest... stolen or abandoned recently.

This computer readout confirms... that two boys who fit the defendants' description... were arrested two days ago by Sheriff Tilman in Jasper County, Georgia... for driving a stolen metallic mint-green 1963 Pontiac Tempest... with a white convertible top, Michelin model XGV tires, size 75-R14.

Is that it?

No.

A .357 magnum revolver was found in their possession.

Sheriff Farley, just to refresh the court's memory, what caliber bullet was used to murder Jimmy Willis?

A .357 magnum.

The defense rests.

Mr. Trotter?

Your Honor, in light of Miss Vito's and Mr. Wilbur's testimony, the state would like to dismiss all charges.

Yes!

All right!

Order in the court.

Yeah!

Order here!

I have to get outta here by 3:00. Make sure all the bags are in the car. Okay.

Bring it around. Vinny.

I'm sorry to have ever doubted you at any time.

And for this, I apologize. Under the circumstances-

You were great, and, um, I just want to say thank you.

You're welcome. I hope we can do it again sometime.

Fine job, Mr. Gambini. Thanks.

Y'all come back and see us anytime now. I'll see ya. I'll see ya.

Vin. Bill.

You're welcome. You're welcome. Vin, I-

Bill, listen. Take your time. Pick the right words. Get back to New York, give me a call.

Okay.

Vinny. You did a terrific job. Thanks. Thanks.

I want you to know, you got an open invitation anytime you want to come down here.

Hell, we'll get us a deer next time. Okay. Thanks a lot.

I feel like if I don't get out of here now, I might never be able to leave.

Mr. Gambini.

I have a fax here from the clerk of New York.

I owe you an apology, sir.

I'm honored to shake your hand.

"Win some, lose some."

Your courtroom manner may be rather unconventional, but I gotta tell ya- you're one hell of a trial lawyer.

Thank you. And you're one hell of a judge.

Ooh, sorry.

Bye now. Bye!

What the hell was that all about back there?

I had a friend send a fax to the judge... confirming the very impressive legal stature... of Jerry Callo.

What friends you got in the clerk's office?

Your friend. My friend?

Judge Malloy?

So, what's your problem? My problem is...

I wanted to win my first case without any help from anybody.

Well, I guess that plan's moot. Yeah.

You know, this could be a sign of things to come.

You win all your cases, but with somebody else's help, right?

You win case after case, and then afterwards you have to go up to somebody... and you have to say "Thank you."

Oh, my God, what a fuckin' nightmare!

I won my first case. You know what this means.

Yeah, you think I'm gonna marry you.

What, you're not gonna marry me now? No way.

Can't win a case by yourself. You're fuckin' useless.

I thought we'd get married this weekend.

You don't get it, do you? That is not romantic.

I want a wedding in church with bridesmaids and flowers.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. How many times did you say that spontaneous is romantic?

Hey, a burp is spontaneous. A burp is not romantic.

Know what, Lisa? Who wants to marry you anyway?

You do.

' Well, he was a New York attorney about to take a southern journey '

' Into places that he'd never been '

' She was a brunette out of Brooklyn fast-talkin' and good-lookin' '

' With a body that was made for sin '

' And she wanted him for marriage 'cause the torch that she carried '

' Was hotter then the fires of hell '

' But he said he didn't need her so she followed him down deep ♪

' Into the buckle of the Bible belt '

' She begged and she pleaded and she told him all she needed '

' Was a little tender lovin' care '

' But he was wrapped up in his work and actin' like a jerk '

' By pretendin' that she wasn't there '

' But her heart was love-stricken so she never thought of quittin' '

' Or givin' up on how she felt '

' She had plans to seduce him If she could, she would loosen '

' The notch in the Bible belt '

' There's a lot of good people who are led astray '

' That believe true love is dead '

' But I'll tell ya somethin', brother When you're dealin' with your feelings '

' It's tough to keep a level head '

' And it's hard to imagine how the flames of passion '

' Will burn till your soul will melt '

' And it'll spread like a cancer till you're gonna have to answer '

' To your heart in the Bible Belt '

' Yeah '

' Come on '

' Whoo-hoo-hoo ♪

' Well, no matter who you are If you’re a peasant or a star '

' There's a need for love in every man '

' And he found it pretty soon underneath the southern moon '

' When she finally made him understand '

' That every man's got his pride and he'll try to run and hide '

' From emotions that his heart has felt '

' So he gave her love a chance That's when he found romance '

' In the heart of the Bible Belt '

' Yeah, there's a lot of good people that are led astray '

' That believe true love is dead '

' But I'll tell ya somethin', brother When you're dealin' with your feelings '

' It's tough to keep a level head '

' And it's hard to imagine how the flames of passion '

' Will burn till your soul will melt '

' And it'll spread like a cancer but you're gonna have to answer '

' To your heart in the Bible Belt '

' Yeah '

' Come on '

' Whoo-hoo-hoo '

' Well, no matter who you are If you’re a peasant or a star '

' There's a need for love in every man ♪

' And he found it pretty soon underneath the southern moon '

' When she finally made him understand '

' That every man's got his pride and he'll try to run and hide '

' From emotions that his heart has felt '

' So he gave her love a chance That's when he found romance '

' In the heart of the Bible Belt '

' Yeah, there's a lot of good people that are led astray '

' That believe true love is dead '

' But I'll tell ya somethin', brother When you're dealin' with your feelings '

' It's tough to keep a level head '

' And it's hard to imagine how the flames of passion '

' Will burn till your soul will melt '

' They better get their heads together or they're gonna slap leather '

' With their hearts in the Bible Belt '

' Oh, Lord ''

Amen, brother.