My Favorite Blonde (1942) Script

Curacao, Cointreau, creme de menthe, grenadine and kummel.

Each in its own stratum, minding its own affair.

Congratulations, Miss Bentley. It takes a good steady hand to pour a pousse-cafe.

I missed my vocation. I should've been a barmaid.

Sorry, Miss Bentley, I have to move these bottles. We're in the harbor now.

What happened?

They're on to us.

Scorpion... They mustn't get it.

It's under my coat lapel. Take it and go.

Are you badly hurt, Captain Elvan? What ever happened?

There's no time for questions. You know how it works?

Yes, yes, of course.

You'll have to carry on alone. A cab will be waiting for you.

Remember you're being watched.

But surely there's something I can do for you.

No, no. Please go immediately before it's too late.


"Failed. British agent now has scorpion containing flight plans."

"She wears raincoat and brown hat with feather."

Get your night edition! Paper!


Someone phone for an ambulance. Anyone get the number?

Let me through, please. I'm a doctor.

This girl is dead, Doctor.

They changed clothes in the taxi.

Break it up, folks. Come on, now. Get moving. Break it up.

What are your instructions?

I'm to take the 10:20 plane tonight to Chicago.

We've had to change that. All airports are watched.

You'll have to get there some other way.

Right. In Chicago, I'm to proceed to 1350 North Lakeshore Drive...

To an apartment rented to Mr. And Mrs. Michael Marlowe. I will be Mrs. Marlowe.

Correct.

There I will hand over the scorpion to Marlowe. Right.

Then your job is done. Here.

You'll need this. Thanks.

Get on the floor, quick. And stay there.

Get out.

Hurry.

If you're caught, get rid of the scorpion. No matter what you have to do, get rid of it.


What are you lookin' for, sister?

Oh, I, I... Come on, come on.

Well, I, uh... I, uh...

Oh, yes, I want to talk to two friends of mine. Haines and Percy.

They're on stage. You can talk to Haines, but you won't get much out of Percy.

Okay, sister, dressing room four. They'll be up in a minute.

Thanks.

Wants to talk to Percy? That oughta be something.

Here's your fish, Perce.


Professor, if you please.

Don't get up, ladies.

Tootle-oo.


You got relatives out there?

Listen, you character.

If you keep hogging this act, you and me are gonna have a talk with a taxidermist.

Here's your salary.

What, do you want it all?

There. Don't forget your blackout.

Heard about Percy going to Hollywood, Mr. Haines. Congratulations!

You going to be in the picture, too?

What are you talking about? The whole picture's built around me!

I'm in and out all the time. In and out all the time.

Hollywood! Geez! That's big stuff. I didn't want to go at first, but they kept dangling those platinum swimming pools in front of me.

Here, give these to the prop man.

Sure. How were they for you tonight?

Tonight they were a little tough, but I've earned them.

Come on, Perce.

Mr. Percy?

Yes, I...

Haines. That's not my real nose. This is it.

Well, I'll put it back on.

Mr. Haines, will you please close the door?

Close it? Close it.

Lock it.

Lock it? Lock it.

What am I doing?

Sit down.

Sit down? Sit down.

Wait a minute. What...

Shh. Don't talk so loud.

I was shouting, wasn't I?

There's no time to lose.

Do you know what it feels like to be followed, hounded and watched every second?

I used to. Now I pay cash for everything.

Look at me.

I'm looking.

You've got to trust me.

I'm not through looking yet.

You mustn't ask any questions.

I'm asking. I mean, I'm not asking.

My name's Karen Bentley. I can't tell you any more.

My name's Larry Haines. There's no more to tell.

Oh, I read your telegram. I'm sorry.

Oh, that? That isn't the way it is at all.

Perce just plays a bit in the picture. The whole thing's built around me.

I'm in and out all the time. Weaving in and out, I just...

I noticed you were packing. When are you leaving for Los Angeles?

Huh?

Los Angeles. When is your train leaving?

Is that your own hair, or did you scalp an angel?

Please, I must know. When are you leaving and when is your train leaving?

Are those your own eyes? Both of them?

I'm in very serious trouble. Please tell me what train you're taking.

I'm going now. It's gone. It's going. I mean... I'm going now, tonight.

Well, that's good, because I'm going part way with you.

Well, that'll be...

Yeah?

I've got to get to Chicago.

Oh, that's fine. We'll go by way of the Panama Canal.

What's your name?

Please, Mr. Haines, you're not listening to me.

Yes, I am. I said every word you heard.

Please, Let's get out of here. Come on. Finish your packing. Get dressed.

Hurry. Hurry.

Hurry? I'm flyin'.

Say, honey. I mean, Miss Bentley. My, what a pretty hat.

Say, do you mind if I ask you a couple of things?

For instance, a couple of things?

I told you, no questions. Please do as I ask.

You know, I haven't dressed this fast since I was...

Oh, silly me. It's a two pants suit. I put the coat on.

Be calm. I'll...

Well, I'm ready.

Charles Boyer in a foggy day.

Or Crosby on any day. Come on, let's go.

Who's there?

Oh. Pardon me.

I say, would you mind lending me your beret?

Yeah, I guess so. What for?

Well, my hatband's so tight. It gives me an awful headache.

Say, it looks good on you too.

I hate to wear this other hat. I was saving it for Easter.

The coat too? Oh, no, thank you.

Say, did you get two pair of coats with that suit?

Bit of all right. What?

All right, old girl. Now you're cookin' with petrol.

Shall we away, or somethin' like that?

I've never seen a coat like... Switch.

It's pretty, too.

Bye, Mr. Haines. Cab's outside. Thanks, Dan.

Good luck. Hope you kill 'em. Bye, Perce.

Keep your nose clean. And that ain't Kleenex.

Come on, let's go. The cab's out this way.

What's that Jekyll and Hyde stuff? You been drinkin' pixie juice? Come on.

Say, Jack, remember that week in Wacko when we was Flip and Nip?

Boy, did we panick or did we wow 'em!

And "that" hotel, Floppy Louie's. Was it crawlin'? Was it crawlin'?

Yeah. Flip and Nip and Floppy Louie were sisters.

I know, 'cause I'm their mother.

You're a riot! You're a panic!

Jack, you kill me! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Your tonsils went that way.

We can stay at "that" rooming house in Chinatown. They don't know us "dere."

Say, what's all these "dese, dose and dem" stuff? A new character?

I don't get it, at all.

Hay, what's this Flip and Nip, this Floppy Louie stuff?

No questions please.

I'm being followed by two men in black.

You sure you don't mean two men in white?

Magazines, newspapers and periodicals! Downtown papers!

No questions! No questions! I gotta ask questions!

You don't even stop to buy a ticket. I'll get it on the train.

Wait a minute. Let's not get physical. Shh.

I thought I heard them. That was my heart draggin'.

There's something screwy here.

Come on, Mr. Percy.

Haines.

Look, sister, I've been around a lot, but you're driving me daffy.

I thought we were gonna have a beautiful romance.

I thought, for a change, a dame was trying to pick me up, but now I don't know.

Look, you don't want to take this train. It's noisy and crowded. Why don't you fly?

Yeah, the airports are all being watched.

But, you don't need a plane. A girl with your talent just has to flap her arms.

Mr. Haines, where's your noblesse oblige? I gave it to the redcap.

You can't pass me off with a joke. I'm going with you.

Good-bye! Good-bye!

You're going with me, so good-bye?

Good-bye! Good-bye!

Hello.

Don't forget to take your pills.

And that green stuff, take lots of that. It's good for you.

Ok, but don't you drink anymore. You've got a snoot full now.

Good-bye, angel face. Hate to see you going. Give my best to Aunt Lucy.

And how 'bout Uncle Flip Nip? What am I saying?

Don't you worry about Winky and Pinky.

I'll see they don't ride their bicycles in traffic.

How're they gonna ride bicycles in straightjackets? Winky and Pinky!

Whatever happened to Stinky?

She's... Winky and Pinky, they're two little, you...

Come on, let's go.

Aboard!

Oh, excuse me, where does this train make its first important stop?

Albany.

And where can I get a taxi for La Guardia Airport?

Right around the corner. Thank you.

Quick!

You're sure it was the scorpion she fastened on that man?

I'm positive.

Do you think he knows he has it?

I don't think so.

He's in the club car now.

Good.

"Hollywood inks Percy. Nixes Haines."

Wait'll they ask me for an ad.


Hi.

It's my partner. We do an act...

Sunglasses.

For nighttime.

How...


I was just...


Cig?

Allowed to smoke in here, you know.

Oh, just a fire. I thought it was something serious. I didn't...

I thought that... You know... Oh!

I'll get it. It's all right. Don't get excited. I got it.

Fellas, let's spread out. There's a fire.

Albany!

Next stop, Albany. That's me.

I love a parade.

I beg your pardon. May I trouble you for a match?

Oh, sure. I...

"Mouble" me for a "tratch?"

Oh. Oh!

Uh-oh! Your knife's showing.

'Board!

Hello, again.

No, no. It isn't so.

How'd you get here? I flew.

Well, look, Winky and Pinky, before I open the window and let you fly out again, what do you want?

Well, I'm a woman and you're a man. Isn't that enough?

Enough for what? As if my mother didn't tell me.

Come and sit down here.

No-o-o. Come on!

No, much closer. No, I really... I...

I don't think I should. I really don't.

Is that me? Please. I could never face my friends again.

There's nothing to be afraid of.

Kiss me, Larry.

Oh. Oh.

No, I can't. I don't even know you. I've given up kissing strange women.

What made you stop? Strange women. I...

Larry... there's something about you. An air of je ne sais quoi.

Yeah. I always use a little after shaving.

Larry, Larry, this is our night. Nobody can take it away from us.

It's ours! Ours! Ours!

Did you like that?

I'll tell you as soon as the water on my knees stops boiling.

Say, honey, you and me could make music together. I feel like the philharmonic.

Come on! Let's... Take your hands off me.

Say, what do you operate on, alternating current?

Oh. I want everything to be so beautiful.

Yeah, go on and want it someplace else. Flap your arms. Get goin'.

Aw, did I hurt my little man? Yeah, little man is irked.

If little woman isn't careful, she's gonna get a little hit in the head.

Larry.

Larry, dear, there's something I've got to tell you.

It's a matter of life and death.

Here we go again.

You've got to help me. All I could get on the train was an upper berth.

I daren't sleep there. I've got to stay here, behind a locked door.

Obviously we can't both stay here, so would you...

Would I what?

Would you change places with me, please, Larry?

I can't do it. Besides, Perce can't stay in an upper berth.

He walks in his sleep, and he'd get cold.

Larry, dear, the lives of countless thousands depend upon your helping me.

Please. Upper six in the next car.

Wait... Let me get this.

You mean the world is gonna come unglued unless Perce and me sleep in upper six and you take compartment A?

Unless you help me now, it may change the whole map of the world.

Keep calm, sister. Don't get hysterical. I don't want trouble.

I'm going. You stay here. Do me a favor, will ya?

When you're changing the map of the world, you know Alaska?

Move it over a couple inches. It'll balance things out.

I'll remember that.

But don't do anything about it until tomorrow.

Good night, Jack. Good night, Flippy.

"The sky is falling," said Ducky Lucky.

"For a piece of it, just hit me on the head."

Hello, Jack.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Seven, six, five, four, three, two, one.

Larry Haines, I think.

Tom Douglas.

Ask me a question, Tom. What question?

You know, like how much is six and four. How much is six and four?

Ten. Right? Right.

Just wanted to see if I had all my buttons. I was afraid I was blowing my top.

Business worries? No, business is great.

I'm making almost enough money to pay my income tax.

Poor health? No. I've got eight lungs.

Oh, what you probably need is a little feminine companionship.

Yeah, like a girl. Sure.

Like a blonde, huh?

Hey, what's the matter?

There was a bird, a big bird, walking up and down my chest!

Well, that's impossible. No animals birds, pets of any kind are permitted on the train.

I tell you I saw it. It was walking up and down my chest.

It was wearing pajamas. A bird wearing pajamas?

Monogrammed. Yes. Monogrammed pajamas.

It had a nightcap and bedroom slippers.

You'll feel better in a moment. Just lie down.

I've turned on the air-conditioning.

I tell you, I saw it!

What's going on here?

What, in here? Nothing. Nothing at all. Well, good night.

Gargling.

Without mouthwash? It's that new thing.

Well.

Encore.

Here's your fish, sir.

Raw.

What are you doing with a raw fish?

Well, conductor...

You put it under your pillow and it makes your dreams come true.

Go to sleep!

Shh. People are sleeping. If you don't mind.

This gent will be okay in a minute. I just turned on the air-conditioning.

Looks like I'll never get any sleep tonight.

Looky here.

Downtown paper! Get your downtown paper!

Larry! Oh, Larry!

Oh, no! No!

I thought I'd lost you. I ran through the train. I looked everywhere.

Don't you ever give up?

That coat.

Why are you wearing that coat? Where's your other coat? Where's it?

I changed it. I also changed my socks. But, why, why?

Because one of them had no feet in them.

Oh, no, no, no, the coat.

Larry, Larry, it was such a wonderful-looking coat.

I wanted you to wear it. I wanted to be proud of you.

Where's it? Is it in that bag?

Yeah, between the hot water bottle and my liver pills. So what?

Taxi! A thin taxi, for one.

Larry! Larry! Larry!

You have three hours between trains.

Wouldn't you like to go past my apartment house and drop me off?

Drop you off? I sure would. How many stories is it?

What do you want, my blood? You pushed me on that shelf, I didn't sleep all night.

Look at the bags under my eyes. Porter put them off the train three times by mistake.

See you later, sister.

All right. Well, then.

This is good-bye. Good. Good.

Okay, okay. Break it up.

All right.

Well, it was wonderful while it lasted. I'll never forget you.

Please try, will you?

Good-bye. Good-bye.

Good-bye.

Toss this up... My bag! Where's my bag?

I put it in the cab with the lady.

The lady? Hey driver, get going. Follow that cab.

Hey, wait for me! Hey!

Mr. Marlowe's apartment, please. Yes, ma'am.

It's 318, to your left.

May I help you? No, thank you.

Hey, where's that blonde bag that just got in?

I mean, that blonde with the bag? Oh, 318.

You mean Mrs. Marlowe.

Marlowe, Parlowe, Sharlowe.

All I know is I'm a jocko for getting mixed up with her.

Is she expecting you? No. It's gonna be a big surprise.

Oh, so that's your racket! Bag snatcher. Let go of that bag.

Yeah, let it go! I'm gonna call the police.

That's what I'm gonna do. Stop!

I'll stop when...

Now.

Take that bag in there, quietly.

Hey, you... hey, be careful with that.

Put that bag over there or so help me, I'll let you have it.

Hey now, wait a minute. That's a gun.

It's liable to go off and shoot somebody.

And I'm the only one here. I said put it over here.

And open it.

Now, sister, we're cookin' on the front burner.

What do you think this is?

What are you gonna do?

You're goin' to the clink, that's what I'm gonna do.

You're making a very serious mistake. I didn't want to tell you, but now I have to.

I'm a British agent. Well, you're too late. I've already got an agent.

Give me a minute and I'll prove it to you.

Okay, sister, but don't try anything funny.

See this? I put it in your pocket on the train. I had to.

A bug? Why'd you put a bug in my pocket?

Do you know what's in this bug?

Little bugs?

A microscopically engraved cipher code for the flight of 150 Lockheed Hudson bombers from Los Angeles to England.

Is that so? See this ring? You know what's inside? Benny Goodman and his band.

They had to drop a clarinet player. It was a little crowded.

Larry, this is serious.

The secret service of the enemy have discovered the original flight plans.

Therefore, the ones contained in this scorpion must be in Los Angeles by noon, on Tuesday.

British agent. What do you take me for, a round haircut?

I know you. Madame Wacky from Tahacky.

Larry, Larry, Larry, this is no joke.

This scorpion must be delivered to an agent somewhere in this apartment.

What's that?

What's what?

Oh, it's nothing. I'm so jumpy. I'm all worked up.

I'm followed everywhere. On the boat, on the train.

Watched everywhere. Death on every corner.

Let go of me, will ya?

Bombers! Agents! Things following us.

What's goin' on here? I gotta get out.

Hey, you see what you're doing to me? I'm daffy. I'm seeing things.

You know what I thought I saw? A guy with a knife in his back.

There is a guy and he does have a knife in his back. This...

Marlowe!

They've discovered the body.

That's strange. The man with the girl is the one from the train.

Most unfortunate for him.

Say, I got you all wrong. All this hokey pokey is really on the level, huh?

I mean, bumping guys off and everything.

They'll stop at nothing.

In the past 24 hours, they've killed two men and one woman.

If we don't look out, they'll get us next.

Us? You mean you.

You can't mean me. I've got a long lifeline.

It was here a minute ago.

If they see you with me, that's enough. They'll slit your throat on sight.

You mean, peel my apple? Don't get me mixed up in this. I've got to get to California.

I gotta see a man about a penguin. I'll see you later.

I'm not gettin' mixed up in any murders, especially mine.

But you can't get out of here. They have access to the building.

You'll never get past that door alive.

Oh, no? No.

Listen, if I'm not out that door in two seconds flat, my name's not Larry Haines.

Meet John Doe.

They can't do this to me. I'm an American citizen.

I pay taxes. Well, I'm an American citizen. What are we gonna do?

All I know is that Marlowe was supposed to deliver the plans.

Now he's dead, where do I take them to?

That's not my racket, sister. The one thing I'm sure.

We're gonna get out of here. I'm gonna call the police.

Oh, no, please don't do that.

Please. Larry, look! Huh? Where?

Two jacks and three aces.

J, J, one, one, one. So what?

One, one, one, J, J. That's my identification number.

Marlowe must've been trying to communicate with me before they killed him.

But how? Must be in the cards.

Here. Look through these.

I can't hold 'em. That guy with a knife in his back... Just...

Here, here, here. Look, look.

"Colonel Ashmont, 1120 Bernardino Street Los Angeles."

What do you know? That's it.

We've got to get out of here. I must get to Los Angeles.

You've got all the dope. Why don't you just phone the stuff in to him?

I've told you, it's in secret cipher. Hieroglyphics.

You can't telephone hieroglyphics. It's like telephoning a crossword puzzle.

Larry, for heaven sake's, think of something to get us out of here.

Oh, now, calm down. Don't be afraid.

Look at me. I'm not scared. I'll call the police.

It's just for local calls.

Sabotage. Larry.

Hey, somebody's been tinkering.

You don't realize the seriousness of the situation. Look.

These men are killers, and they're playing for keeps.

Killers.

Eight million people in New York and she's gotta pin a bug on me.

We gotta catch a breeze. We gotta get out of here.

But how?

I've got an idea.

Hey, what are you doing?

I'll show you. There's only one way to get out of here alive.

Larry, stop it! Are you crazy?

Get the idea?

Wife beating. We'll get a police escort out of here.

Let's break the joint up.

Larry, that's wonderful!

Come on, break it up! Do something.

Come on. Do... Oh!

I said wife beating. Not manslaughter.

Make some noise. Scream! Scream! Help! Help! Help!

Help!

Help!

Calling car 48. That's us.

Calling car 48. Go to 1350 North Lakeshore dr. Apartment house. Man beating woman.

You're playing with a tiger! That's what you are.

Your mother started this whole thing!

Oh, no, she did not! Yes, she did!

I'll turn the radio on, get some loud music.

This is Bob Hope, the Pepsodent Kid, still hanging on by your teeth.

And I'm here to tell you that I...

I can't stand that guy.

All right, folks. Break it up. Come on, come on...

Get back. Get back.

Open it up. Gimme your passkey.

Ha, ha! Missed me!

Ouch!

So, I'm a snit drivel, am I?

Yes! And you're also a "scridgepodge!" That's what you are.

A "scridgepodge!" Why, you!

Tell me I'm a "scridgepodge." Come on, you!

Well, she started the whole thing. No, I did not!

How am I supposed to remember her birthday?

Every year, the same thing. I don't know why I married her in the first place.

Pardon me a second. Will you?

That goes for your old lady, too. Oh, you!

She's a "scridgepodge," that's all she is. Just a "scridgepodge."


Give me the police.

I want to report a murder.

We're gonna slam you two in the cooler.

A guy shouldn't go around slugging his wife.

Yeah, a man should respect womankind.

Especially females.

Daddy, Mommy is sorry she hurt her little lamby pie.

Is Daddy sorry he hit his boopsy-woopsy with his lampy?

Daddy is sorry he hit boopsy-woopsy with the itsy-bitsy piano stool.

And Daddy's gonna kiss boopsy where he made a little bumpy-wumpy.

Does boopsy-woopsy forgive daddy-waddy?

Kiss the little finger where he bitty-witty. Naughty, naughty, naughty too.

All right, okay, you two! Beat it! Get out! Get out!

Thanks. Does little poopsy wanna kiss pretty policemen?

Go on, beat it!

Whew, Sam. I couldn't take any more of that.

Me too. I was ready to throw up.

Calling car number 48.

Car number 4-8. You have a young couple in your car.

Bring them in immediately. Be careful.

They are probably armed. They are murderers.

Murderers!

Oh!

Extra! Get your paper. Extra! Read all about it.

Read about the love slayer! Extra! Extra! Read all about it!

These donuts hold a lot of coffee. I...

We'll be on the train in five minutes, baby.

Just drink your adrenaline and stop worrying.

You're turning out to be quite a lad. Thanks.

Think nothing of it. I'd do it again, even if I were in my right mind.

You've been sweet, and I like you a lot for it.

Well, you do? Well, I like you, too.

That's for the coffee.

Uh-oh.


Shh. Quiet. Come on.


All right, come on.

They're gone.

Whew. That was a close one.

Here. We better get moving.

Larry, I'm sorry. I'm all in. I can't go on.

Yeah, but the cops will be back!

Look at me. I'm a nervous wreck.

What am I doing? Why am I running away from people?

What is this? I was a guy with a bird. The bird had a contract.

I was going to Hollywood! I'd be wearing emerald teeth and a platinum hat.

Then you came along. Now what am I?

A hunted animal with a price on his head.

Well, I'm telling you something. I'm getting out of here. I didn't kill anybody.

I'm going down to face 'em and tell 'em the truth.

I'm your only alibi. If you go to the police, I'll tell them you did it.

Aw, you wouldn't do a thing like that.

Yeah, I guess you would.

You're right, Larry. I have been a nuisance.

I had no right to get you into this.

You go on. You go right ahead to California. I won't stop you.

You can clear yourself. I'll manage somehow.

Yeah, the minute I turn my back... No, I won't. You go right ahead.

Thanks for everything.

Well, okay. I'm sorry. But you understand I got my own thing.

Come on, Perce.

So long.

Well, why shouldn't I? I got a job of my own to do.

You mean you're running out on her, huh?

What are you, a man or a mouse?

A mouse! But at least I'm not a mouse with a rope around my neck.

Running out and leaving her up there alone.

Well, I got my rights.

Then why are you stalling? Why don't you go?

I'm not stalling and you keep out of this!

Not stalling. Who do you think you're kiddin'?

Hey, look at me. Wait a minute! I'm going back!

I'm not gonna do it.

That's better.

What if I am walkin' out?

She's awfully pretty.

Yeah!

Yeah, that's it.

It's got nothing to do with bombers or spies.

Now I know what it is that's got me.

It's that blonde hair.

It's those great big baby-blue eyes.

That's what's pulling me back. But I'm not gonna let it!

Oh, you're not, eh? No, I'm not! You...

Oh, what's the use?


What am I doing? I'm freezing, so I give her my coat.

So now I'm a man!

I was happier being a mouse.

I'm gonna tell you something right to your face.

You know what I think of you, don't you?

I think you're wonderful.

Do you, Larry?

I think you're wonderful too.

You do?

Hey!

Extra! Paper! Love slayer still at large! $5,000 reward dead or alive. Extra paper!


Hey, come on! Wake up!

There's a mob here. They're gonna lynch us!

They were shooting at us, hollering for our blood, and I can't afford it.

They have knives and baseball bats. Come on! Wait a minute, Larry.

No time. That mob's not here for a picnic!

They were shouting, "Come on down, or we'll burn the building."

They have ropes with loops in them. Come on, we gotta find a fire escape.

I'm not afraid for me, but I'm not gonna let those hungry wolves get you.

Hey, Larry, wait for me!

Hey, wait for me!

Wait a minute.

We'll get 'em.

Well, I guess we'll have to face the music.

Yeah, it looks like the last eight bars, too.

Well, here goes.

Now, wait a minute, fellas. Don't do anything hasty. Just give us a chance.

Lovely day for a picnic, eh, fellas?

This is just one of those days.

Hey, you, come on. Get in line, get in line.

Wait a minute. What is this all about? I don't know.

I'll find out.

Hey, pardon me, bud. What is the line for?

Oh, the secretary there tells you what bus to get in.

What for, the picnic? Yeah, at Humboldt Park. You going out?

Yeah, I think I will. I say, have you got a match?

Yeah.

Thanks. It's okay.

Couldn't be.

Okay, Dugan. What's your name? O'Brien.

Bus three. Thank you.

Turk O'Flaherty. Bus five.

Mulrooney. Capital "M" and one "ooney."

Spike? It ain't Mike.

Bus five.

Okay, bud. This is bus five. Get in. Okay, Officer. Okay.

Bus five is loaded. Take it away, Tim.

Hiya, Paddy.

How's it holdin' out, there? Don't worry. We got plenty.

Here you are, babe. Wet your whistle.

Some suds, huh, folks? Yeah.

Here goes.

My stomach just shifted into second.

No? Yeah!

Hey, bud, who you driving for?

Who, me? Yeah. Who you driving for?

Oh, some sausage people on the south side. You never saw such sausages.

That's nice. What's your handle? Mulrooney. Spike Mulrooney.

Capital "M," one "ooney." Yeah? Mine's O'Flaherty.

Turk O'Flaherty. Ah, hiya...

Didn't hurt you, did I?

I once knew a guy named Turk. He was a jerk.

Bub, youse is a picnic all to yourself!

Hey, what's your skirt's name? Who, her?

Yeah. Your tomato, your frail, your skirt!

Myrtle.

Hiya, Myrtle. Hiya, Turk.

What is that, a bird?

Oh, no, that's a turtle. Ain't it, Myrtle?

Certle!

Spike, you're all right. You and Myrtle is okay!

This is Agnes.

Hi, Ag. Hi.

Now we're goin' someplace.

Hey, Mike, four more buckets of suds. Yeah, and a pull motor.

Say, Danny, play When Irish Eyes are Smiling. All right.

♪ When Irish eyes are smiling ♪

♪ Sure, 'tis like the morn in spring ♪

♪ In the lilt of Irish laughter ♪

♪ You can hear the angels sing ♪

♪ When Irish hearts are happy ♪

♪ All the world seems bright and gay ♪

♪ And when Irish eyes are smiling ♪

♪ Sure, they steal your heart ♪

♪ A-a-away ♪

Spike, you're all right.

I tell ya, Mulrooney, I already gave you your seat! You were with your girl.

I was with no girl. And you didn't give me no seat.

Are you standing there calling me a liar?

I'm not calling you nothin'.

I'm just telling you that I'm Mulrooney and I ain't got no seat!

And I'm sayin' you ain't Mulrooney, and I'm saying already give you your seat!

Look, I've been Mulrooney for the last 37 years.

Me father was Mulrooney. Me grandfather was Mulrooney.

I've got six brothers what are Mulrooney.

You gonna make a liar out of my entire family?

I certainly am.

Let me at him. Let me at him! Quiet!

I'll lay you flat with the back of me hand. Quiet.

Have you seen this man around here anywhere?

That's Mulrooney!

That's not Mulrooney. I'm Mulrooney, do you hear? I'm Mulrooney!

I tell you that's Mulrooney. He went to the picnic.

And where's the picnic? Humboldt Park.

Let's go, boys.

Now will you believe that I'm Mulrooney?

Don't tell me you're Mulrooney.

Didn't you just see Mulrooney's picture in the paper?

Maybe this'll convince you.

The police. We gotta get outta here. We can't!

Huh? Our only chance is to grab this bus.

Here, get rid of him.

Oh, that's a cinch.

Hey, you. I...

Got a machine gun on you? We've gotta get out of here somehow.

Okay, stand by the door. I've got an idea.

Hey, pardon me, bud. Let me take your knife a minute, will ya?

Sure thing.

What's that for? Now we can see your shirt!

Listen, bub. Some things is funny, and some things ain't funny.

Oh, yeah?

Doctor, lawyer, Indian chief.

You're gonna marry an Indian chief! That funny?

That ain't funny. Stand by. This'll kill ya.

Hey, you, there's a fellow over there...

Look.

Now that's funny!

That ain't funny.

Wait a minute. What's going on here?

Nobody's gonna tell me that ain't funny! Hurry, start the motor.

There! What did I tell ya? There's Mulrooney now!

Hey, you! That guy stole me bus.

Hey, fellas!

You hear that now? Mulrooney's drivin' the bus!

But I tell you, that's not Mulrooney! I'm Mulrooney, do ya hear?

How can you be Mulrooney when Mulrooney just stole that guy's bus?

But I'm tellin' ya, I'm Mulrooney! You're looney!

Oh!

Come on! Follow that guy. He stole my bus.

Larry, faster. Can't you go any faster?

We haven't got wings, you know!

But we may have.

Oh, hurry. Please hurry.

Hurry? We just passed Flash Gordon.

Look, Larry, that plane. Get to it. I can fly it.

I can't! I can't make it. They're on top of us!

Oh, no? Here goes.

Well, that's better than using their brakes.

Saves rubber. Come on.

Hey, hurry over there. Those buses. There's an accident!

Women and children. Little children. - Old women. It's awful.

I'm not supposed to leave this plane. Go telephone or something.

Okay. There's a pile-up over there!

Hey, you sure you know how to run this thing?

Sure! My brother's a British ace.

Yeah, well, my uncle was a dogcatcher, but I can't bark.

Come on. Hurry, hurry!

California, here we come!

Don't look now, but I think someone's trying to attract our attention.

"Colonel Ashmont."

"1120 Bernardino Street, Los Angeles."

Miller, repeat.

Um, Colonel, um, Ash... Ash... Fool!

Repeat.

Colonel Ashmont. 1120 Bernardino Street, Los Angeles.

Good. Get Faber, Los Angeles.

Blue... Monoplane...

Ashmont.

One-one-two-oh...

Bernardino Street.

What about this Ashmont?

Don't worry. We will take care of him, all right. Good.

Now tell me. How does he function?

He's a liaison officer between the British Air Ministry and American aircraft production.

But what's he gonna do with a bug even if we do get it to him?

Reroute the flight of the bombers to synchronize with an RAF escort.

What's that? It isn't whooping cough, Flip.

Look. There's not enough gas in that tank to clean a doily.

Oh, that's fine. That's great!

That means we're gonna be stuck up here where everybody can see us.

Oh! Oh! Ohhh!

Help!

So your brother was a British ace, huh?

Well, we landed, didn't we? Yeah.

I'm tired.

Yeah, well, I'll carry my own coat for a while.

I'm so hungry, I could eat my grandma.

If you knew my grandmother, you'd realize how hungry I was.

Ooh, watermelons! Are they good to eat? Couldn't we buy some?

Oh, they don't taste like anything unless you steal them.

I remember back home we had a watermelon patch.

Me and a kid named Turkey Williams used to swipe 'em.

Every time we'd get caught, I'd blame Turkey. I was the town heel.

Come on, I'll treat ya.

Be careful of that barbed wire there.

This stuff is as American as The Star-Spangled Banner. You like it?

Mmm. It's like sucking on my bath sponge when I was a baby.

To really get at it, you should have earplugs and a bathing suit. Then you...

Hmm?

Come on, you two.

Come on, come on, get up.

Yeah, but Sheriff, we're just... Go ahead, get in the car.

Officer, please let me explain. We've got to get to California.

Young woman, it'll likely be a long time before you'll get to California.

I know everything's against us, Sheriff, but we're absolutely innocent!

Young fellow, all I can say is you're in mighty serious trouble.

But he didn't do anything. I got him mixed up in all this.

Yeah? A lot of fellas get in trouble 'cause of a woman.

No, folks, crime don't pay. You start stealing a watermelon, then it'll be an automobile.

The first thing you know, you're liable to get mixed up into something like this.

Better digest it, son. Maybe it'll be a lesson to you.

Oh, yes, I read about that fella.

They say he only has two fingers on one of his hands.

You know, folks are liable to get ten days for stealing and trespassing.

You don't want to try anything around these here parts.

They were last seen flying a small blue cabin monoplane.

For their apprehension, notify all law enforcement...

Police of Illinois, Indiana, Wisconsin...

And so, boys and girls, if you will send us the labels from two dozen cans of Minso Dog and Cat Food, we will send you a badge, a hatchet, and a life membership in the Junior Woodpeckers of America.

Ah, that's what I've been waiting for!

I've got 18 labels already, and I don't even own a dog or cat.

I've been eating the stuff myself, and it's not bad if you spread ketchup on it.

Be on the lookout for a man and a woman, escaped murderers.

The woman, a blonde about 5'5".

When last seen was wearing a reversible trench coat and a beret.

The man is about 5'10", clean-cut, distinguished-looking features, nattily dressed and with all the appearances of a gentleman.

What do you know? I didn't think th...

$10,000 reward for their capture, dead or alive.

Murderers! Well, looks like I struck oil.

All right, this is it. Get out.

Come on, miss, hurry up.

All right, go ahead on in now.

Oh, my case... Keep your hands up. I'll take care of this.

Go ahead in.

Chuck, Frank, Joe, come here. Hurry up, quick!

Hey, Perce?

Perce!

Did you hurt yourself? Perce! Where is he?

He went around there. Huh?

There... Oh, come back! Here's the sheriff.

I can't... I can't leave Perce there.

Never mind about him. He's liable to get lost!

Yeah, but Percy! I've got to find him. Without that penguin, I'm a dead duck!

Come on, come on, there's no time. I'll buy you a dozen Percys.

Yeah, but he's out there! I can't let him...

Oh, there you are! Yes, here we are.

Come, Dr. Higby. Come, come, come. The ladies are waiting for you.

Ladies? Come on.

Oh, Dr. Higby, the ladies will be so excited.

The ladies will? Well, you run along and tell them I'm here.

You run along. Hurry, hurry. And wear that hat.

Yeah.

Look out. Huh?

What is this, a hospital? Dr. Higby...

I beg your pardon. I'm Dr. Higby. Could you tell me...

Well, Dr. Higby, Well, I'm glad to see you! You're looking well, Doctor.

You're a little taller. You've grown some, but then who hasn't?

Oh, Dr. Higby, come, come, come. There's no time to lose. The ladies are waiting.

Hey, what is this? You're going to be Dr. Higby.

But I am Dr. Higby. She's not talking to you. Look, stop making jokes.

Let's get out of here. The place is surrounded. This is our only chance.

You've got to be Dr. Higby.

Well, I can't be a doctor. I don't know a pimple from a hole in the head.

A pimple is... Shut up. We've got our own problems.

Don't argue with me! What is this? What are you doing?

Doctor, it's only for the duration. Dr. Higby!

Oh, yes?

Dr. Higby... He'll be right there.

I'll be with you. He has a toothache... Not you, him!

What are you doing here? I'm Dr. Higby.

Dr. Higby, I engaged in Chicago.

I'll be painless, Doctor. Right in here.

No, it's dark in there! I'll loan you these glasses. Right in here.

Why, what are you doing to poor Dr. Higby?

Hey, hey, wait a minute! Oh, Doctor!

The doctor only rings twice.

Oh, Dr. Higby, where have you been? The ladies are all waiting.

Oh, the ladies are? Well, wash 'em up and put 'em on the table. I'll be right in.

Oh, Doctor! Oh, the doctor is so amusing, isn't he?

Oh, that I am! That I am!

Oh, come, come, come. Oh, Doctor, you've forgotten your bag.

Oh, my bag! Yes, I can't cut 'em up very well without my tools, can I?

Here's your bag, Doctor. You've my bag! Thank you, my assistant.

Nurse to you!

I want you all to meet Dr. Higby.

Oh, how do you do, Doctor? How do you do?

You're rather late, Doctor. We were delayed on an emergency call.

Twins! Oh!

A triplets! You left early.

Tough case.

Right this way, Doctor.

Hey, what gives out here? It's a theater.

I don't know. Just try and bluff your way through. Uh-huh.

Mothers of Glenby, we're rather late getting started so I won't take up your time.

I want to introduce Dr. Robert Higby, the eminent Chicago baby specialist.

You're on, Higgy.

Yeah, but I don't know anything about babies! The small kind.

Oh, go on. Say something! Talk. Go on.

Ah, fellow mothers, they say a woman who hasn't been a mother is like a ship that hasn't sailed.

And it looks like the whole fleet's here tonight.

Babies. The first thing you'll probably want to know is where do they come from?

Those little bundles of joy. Those little falling stars.

Well, one day you're standing on your head baking an upside-down cake, and the next day, bingo... You're a mother.

Well, let's say the baby, little Julius, has arrived.

What is the first thing he does? He cries!

Exactly! And so life begins. It's just like stepping on the starter.

And away he goes, speeding up life's highway.

His little tank full of gas. His little engine buzzing.

And his little horn tooting, wah-wah, wah-wah!

Mothers, I think I'd better get going.

I mean, I think I better get out of here.

The doctor means the time is short.

If you have questions you'd like to ask, please ask them now.

Dr. Higby, I always seem to have a great deal of trouble putting on those little rubber panties.

Why don't you try a larger size?

Doctor, I have a little girl of nine that never listens to what's right.

She's always doing the wrong thing. What should I do?

Well, wait another 10 years and if there's no improvement, mail me her phone number.

Ah, madam, when did that happen?

Dr. Higby, I hope you don't mind, but I took the liberty of bringing my little boy for an examination.

I'm so troubled about him. He's developed a very peculiar and unpleasant habit.

Ah yes, breathing, no doubt.

Go ahead, Frederick. Don't be afraid of the good doctor.

The good doctor stinks!

You're not exactly Chanel No. 5 yourself, son.

I think he has a gun on him.

What'll I do? What'll I do?

Keep talking. I'll look outside. Hey, you...

All right, son, open your mouth and say "Ah."

Ahhh. Ahhh!

Wider, wider. Marvelous thing, the human stomach.

Oh! Sorry, sorry. It just slipped.

Now, just a minute, son! Just a minute! Now, listen son...

That's it, Doctor. That's the habit. Isn't it awful?

He spits them at everyone, even the deacon.

Now, listen, my boy, you...

Where did you get this kid, at the army and navy store?

My son... Look who's here!

Percy!

There he is, men. That's him. Let's get him!

Get your things!

Hey.

Did you ever hop a freight? No.

You haven't? No.

Neither have I, but here we go.

There you are, Perce. There's your new home.

Air conditioned.

Peek right through there.

I'll get you a swimming pool when you get to Hollywood.

Larry, you're wonderful.

But seriously. I've never had a chance, really, to thank you.

For what? For sticking by me through all this.

Yeah, I'm a great hero. I was all set to run out on you.

In Chicago on that roof I gave you a chance to leave. What held you?

Look, I'm wise to you! I know what you're tryin' to do.

You want to get me talkin' in pink ribbons like a valentine.

All right, you held me, that's what. I couldn't run out on ya. I had no feet.

You. You're a great big blonde magnet and I'm nothing but a carpet tack.

There, I said it. Now are you happy? Yes, Larry, very happy.

And I don't mind in the least bit your talking like a valentine.

Look, you, if I wanted to come out and say I loved ya, you wouldn't stop me, see.

No, I wouldn't. But you can't make me I'm not like a lot of other guys that beat around the bush.

If it was hittin' me here, I'd come right out and say so.

You mean, Larry, it's not hitting you here?

I didn't say that. Don't you go twisting words around and puttin' them in my mouth.

Then it is hitting you here?

Well, supposing it is, what business is it of yours?

At least I'm not sloppin' over. You don't get me talkin' icky-sticky.

Go ahead, Larry. Talk icky-sticky.

No, sir. Not Haines. First thing you know, I'd be drooling a lot of hooey.

The next thing you know, I'd be huggin' and kissin' ya. I'd...

Hey...

What kind of a kiss is that?

It's that new thing.

Yeah?

Larry, smell! Breathe in deep. What is it?

Pigs.

No, you gotta breathe right through the pigs.

Now what is it? More pigs.

No. Orange blossoms! Do you realize what that means?

Orange blossoms, sure! But don't you think you oughta meet my mother first?

No. We're in California now! California? No, it can't be. It's not raining.

Larry, good heavens. It's 10:15.

California, yes, but what part?

We've got to be in Los Angeles at noon.

Riverside. Where's that?

Riverside. Let me think. Oh, yeah, me and Bosco the Beaver played Riverside.

It's about 60 miles from Los Angeles.

We murdered them. Larry, look!

Hey, come on. We've gotta get outta here!

Hey!

Wait a minute. Let's borrow this. It's better than thumbing it for 60 miles.

Hey, my truck!

Good heavens, Larry.

Dr. Higby and Mrs. Weatherwax are still locked in that broom closet.

Hey, wouldn't it be awful if they didn't appeal to each other?

"Los Angeles, 47 miles." Step on it. I gotta send a wire to Nat Burton.

I gotta tell him to get us a lawyer to straighten out all this murder business for us.

Who's Nat Burton? He's my agent.

Do you think he'll help?

He'd better. If I get the electric chair, he gets 10% of the current.

Hey, this can't be the outfit.

Well, it looks unusual, but that's often the way things are done.

I know this is the place.

Hey, but this is one of those "bury you deep and forget you quick" joints.

Oh, come on, come on.

Yeah, but I feel awful funny going in here vertical.

May I be of any assistance? The scorpion.

Good work. We've been expecting you, Miss Bentley. Right this way.

Rigor mortis junior.

Colonel Ashmont will see you.

Miss Bentley? Yes.

My heartiest congratulations! You've done a magnificent job. You have the scorpion?

Yes, Colonel Ashmont, but first your identification, please.

Yes, yes, of course. 7-3-9-B-3-2-6-A. And yours, please?

1-1-1-J-J-5-7-6-X.

And... Oh, Hollywood 7-245.Class 4-B, flat feet.

This is Mr. Haines, without whom I would never have gotten here.

Excellent, Mr. Haines. I assure you we shall take good care of you.

It was nothing. Three big spies came at me with knives, so I just rolled them downstairs. I like to hear 'em bounce.

You must watch out they don't bounce back.

The scorpion, please. Thank you.

The code is engraved in hieroglyphics in the inside of the bag.

Ah, yes, here it is. You certainly left us no time to spare, Miss Bentley.

The bombers are waiting to take off.

Oh, hiya, fellas.

Hey, those spotties, those nasties, they're here. Take a right leer.

Colonel Ashmont, look out!

Your friend Colonel Ashmont is in there, but he will not trouble us for a while.

He very kindly obliged me with this code book. Now we will find out where our Messerschmitts will hold their rendezvous with your beautiful bombers.

Now, you see? You'll never get it!

Now, you come near me, I'll swallow it. That's what I'll do! I'll swallow it.

I'll scuttle myself. You think I won't, huh?

You take one more step and I'll...

There. I did it.

Karl, you have two minutes to get that scorpion.

The stomach is about an inch under the lower rib.

Oh, wait a minute, fellas! Larry!

Now, wait a minute! Cut it out. No, no! I mean, don't cut it out!

Oh! Coffins!

Most convenient.

Oh, pardon me. Oh! Well, don't stand there. He's got a knife.

So you think you're fooling around with a sap, huh? Well, I'm set for ya.

This is a hand grenade.

You come near me and I'll pull this pin and we'll have red polka-dot wallpaper.

Let go of her.

Let's get out of here before my knees beat each other to death.

Look!

Now, stop him!

Don't make a move, none of ya!

Go ahead, my friend. Pull the pin.

Oh, you don't think I will, huh?

I'll count three, and there'll be nothing left but your pants buttons.

One, two... Go ahead.

One, two...

You said that.

I did not.

One, two...

Four.

Three! Who said that?

Hurry, quick! The police!

Oh, there, you see? The police!

Ah, you're all caught like rats in a trap.

This is the United States. Don't think you can shove me around.

You'll be put where you belong, That's where you'll all be put. You...

You must have the wrong address, bud. Why would he want to meet you here?

I don't know. It's in the wire. 1120 Bernardino Street.


Look! It's Percy the Penguin.


What can be delaying Colonel Ashmont? We've got to get these planes off.

Better wait. You know the orders.


I hope he's all right.

He's pretty low.

Hospital? No, no. It's inside. We know, we know it's inside!

Don't worry. It'll be out in a jiffy. Yeah, yeah.

They'll give you an anesthetic. Yeah...

Huh? No! I don't want any anesthetic!

It's inside. Wait a minute! It's inside! Hey!

Honey, don't let 'em do it. I haven't got it. I didn't swallow it!

It's inside. Look. It's inside your coat. There.

Oh, Larry, I'm so proud of you. Did you hear what Colonel Ashmont said?

You're probably going to be decorated by the British government.

Oh, it was nothing at all. If it was for you, I'd do the whole thing over again.

Is that that new thing?

Quite an improvement.