My Favorite Brunette (1947) Script

Hey Warden, when's he going?

Taking him down now.

Guess that pink slip ain't coming warden?

Looks bad.

How do you think he'll take it?

Like a soldier my boy.

No ketchup? This is the worst last meal I ever had.

Sorry Jackson, here's the Warden.

Sure glad to see you Warden. So the Governor came through with that stay, I knew he would he's a very good guy.

Sorry Jackson, no word from the Governor.

Sorry.

No word?

No word, huh?

Well, I'll know who to vote for next time.

Come on Jackson.

Nice cosy little nook.

So that's it. Mind if I take a look?

I wouldn't advise it.

You're getting soft Warden.

Gas. Haven't even put in electricity.

Right in here, Jackson.

I'm going to grant you a special privilege not often given to a man in your position.

It's what you asked for. The chance to tell your story to the newspapers.

To get it off your chest. Thanks, Warden.

See you in a while Jackson.

I'll be right here.

Mr Jackson I think you're wonderful. You've really got what it takes.

I ain't exactly a cream puff. Cigarette?

Nevermind. Thanks George.

There might be a saw in that one.

Well you've got what I call guts.

The way I figured... Anybody got a match?

The way I figured if a guy feels in his heart he's taking a phoney rap it's not so tough to kick the bucket.

It's not so tough to walk that last mile.

It's just... tough to light a cigarette, that's all.

Say Jackson, how did you get into this mess?

Was it a... woman?

It's always a woman. You should have seen this woman.

Skin like smooth satin. Beautiful blue eyes.

Dark silken hair. Kind of a gal that make you want to give away your last shirt.

I borrowed this from the Warden. This girl...

How did you meet her? Did she come up to your office?

Did you fall in love with her?

Wait a minute, one at a time.

You may not know this but I wasn't always a detective.

Before they pinned this murder rap on me I had one of the sweetest little rackets in San Francisco.

A legitimate business? Better than legitimate, it was profitable.

My office was in the Trafalgar Building, just on the edge of Chinatown.

In Chinatown. No, not right in.

Do you know California Street, from the hill at Stockton?

Coming down the hill on a cable car you could just see my office.

Third floor front. Ronnie was the name, "Ronnie, Baby Photographer".

I'll never forget that day. For two hours I'd been trying to make that little brat smile.

I threw the book at him every sure-fire trick of the trade

This kid's going to grow up to be a sponser.

He's even wearing out the lights.

Quick, snap it!

Watch the birdie!

There you are, another masterpiece.

Sweetems you're wonderful.

You're wonderful too, Mr Jackson.

That's because I was a kid once myself.

I'm just dying to see those proofs. When will they be ready?

The first thing in the morning Mrs Fong. I'm sure you'll like them.

Goodbye you little rascal.

Pull him off! Give Mr Jackson back his fingers!

Time! Time!

Doesn't he get meat at home?

You happy little gourmet.

He's sweet though. Let me see.

"Baby photographer. A fine job for a two fisted he-man like Ronnie Jackson.

I had promised to have pictures of the kid ready by morning so I got to work on development.

Must have been about 20 minutes later, half an hour or something like that when I heard a door slam in the hallway outside.

I knew it was Sam McCloud coming back to his office from a busy day pinning the goods on a few assorted croocks and murderers.

Sam McCloud, the coolest, toughest private eye in the business.

I wanted to be a detective too. It only took brains, courage and a gun.

And I had the gun.

I'd figured out a way for Sam to hire me, so I started across the hall.

Already I could see my name in big letters "Ronnie Jackson, Private Eye".

What I didn't see was the small print underneath: "Rest in Peace".

Don't worry your pretty little head about it, baby.

Hi Sam.

Listen baby, it will take more than a couple of... to scare me off.

We'll have to talk that over some rainy night in front of a nice warm fire I'll bring the matches.

What's on your mind, Ronnie?

Matches... No, I mean, look Sam, it came today, license and everything now can I be your partner?

I told you before, stick to watching the birdie and you'll die of old age.

But I was cut out for this kind of life.

All my life I wanted to be a hard-boiled detective like Humphrey Bogart, Dick Powell, even Alan Ladd.

Have those beautiful women coming into the office, those warm fires on those rainy nights that's the kind of life I want. How about it Sam?

Smooth, huh?

Say, I can be a lot of help to you Sam. Look, here's my latest invention, right here.

A camera with a keyhole lens.

Takes pictures through doors. I've been kicked out of five hotels already.

How about it Sam? Can I go to work for you?

Just give me a simple yes or no.

No.

Oh, but that's too simple. Why don't you give it a little thought?

I'm going to Chicago for a few days. I'll leave the door open so you can come through and answer the phone.

Little stiff.

I could go with you, I've got a coat just like that.

I could help you out a bit in case you're running any keyhole work...

You're sure there's nothing I can do for you? Yeah, you keep your nose clean.

That's the last chance I'll give him.

Keep my nose clean. Answer the phone.

I oughta go in business for myself. "Ronnie Jackson, Private Eye".

I could catch those gummed-up hopsles over a warm fire even if it wasn't raining Drink as much as he can.


I suppose you wonder why I act this way. No, every girl that comes in here does that.

I need a detective. Please say that you'll help me.

Yeah, but look, I'm just... Please Mr McCloud, please.

Just call me Sam.

This is my type of case. Spll it sister.

My name is Carlotta Montay, Baroness Montay.

Baroness?

I feel as though someone's watching me. Yeah, that's me.

I arrived here three days ago on the Queen of Peru, with the Baron, my husband.

Oh, you've got a husband.

This was taken the day we arrived.

A two-column cut in the "San Francisco Citizen", he must rate.

I'm in trouble, deep trouble.

What's the wheel chair for? My husband is an invalid.

He hasn't been out of that wheel chair in seven years.

You're in trouble. Keep talking.

At the dock I went ahead to clear our luggage through customs.

I was gone 5, 10 minutes at the most. When I returned he had disappeared.

A snatch job, huh? Have you gone to the police?

No. If I go to the police they'll kill him.

Who's they? That's what I want you to find out.

Look, I have no money, but this ring can be pawned anywhere for at least $5000.

Oh, look sister, five grand is a lot of moolah! You don't have to...

The ring is nothing. We Montay are the generous.

If you will just find my husband I will be so grateful.

You will see.

I'll bring the matches. But this isn't necessary.

What's the matter? Listen, they mustn't find me here.

I don't hear anything.

Be at this address as soon as you can.

Would five minutes be too soon?

We're dealing with dangerous men, be careful.

They mustn't know you're a detective. Don't worry your pretty little head about it honey, I'll find your husband... fool that I am.

Somebody's coming.

Guard this map, with your life. With my life?

Hurry.

It's you Mabel, I'm sorry.

There you are.

Come in the studio some night after hours and I'll take your picture.

When everybody's gone, no charge.

Except for the negatives. Come right in. Prints are a dollar and a half. Any time.


Well, what are you waiting for, you want to be a detective, don't you?

Let's see, what was that address?

Oh, the map, my life.

Smooth.

Small bullets.

Ain't this your camera, Ronnie? Oh, yeah thank you very much.

You don't have to pull no gun on me to kiss me. Any time.

Well, there I was on my own, a missing husband and a dark eyed dreamboat up to her gorgeous lips in trouble.

What a parley.

And that mysterious map, the whole thing just like you'd read it in a detective magazine.

I head my car up to the address the doll gave me and turns out this place is practically a sleeper jump from town.

Anyway... later that afternoon I'm driving through the gates of one of those upper bracket estates down in the peninsula.

Pretty soon I come to another gate.

That should have been my cue to put the car in reverse.

Then I get a load of the mansion.

What a joint. Must have been something left over from "Wuthering Heights".

You know, the kind of a house that looks like you've been hunting quail in the hallways?

I didn't know it then, but I was going to be the quail.

Beautiful day, isn't it?

Maybe it isn't so beautiful.

It is day, though.

But it's late.

Sort of.

Allow me.

Dr Lundau, good afternoon sir. Good afternoon, Kismet.

Baroness Montay is expecting me.

Pronto. Oh, yes. Won't you come in?

Pronto.

Nice cheerful place. What time do they bring the mummies out?

Very amusing sir. Madame la baronesse is in the living room.

Shall I announce you? Nevermind, I'll take it from here.

May I help you with your overcoat?

Pardon sir, your collar.

Here we are. Thanks Cuddles.

Very amusing.

Miss Montay. Hello. Pretty song, isn't it?

Yeah, it's pretty, but you were so anxious...


Quick. First I must know this. Are you a man who's afraid of danger?

No, you can get as close as you like. I'm with you to my dying breath.

Please you mustn't. Yeah, better not leave any fingerprints.

Listen closely, my uncle Baron Montay came to this country...

Your uncle? But I thought you said the guy was your husband.

I had to have your help. I know men.

Somehow they always seem to be more interested in the problems of young wives with older husbands.

No, it just seems that way to you. Please listen.

My uncle came to this country on a very important mission.

So important that he wouldn't tell anyone about it, not even me.

You uncle, not your husband. Well, did I quote you any rates, I may work cheaper.

Please, not now. Too fast, huh? Okay, tell me, did your uncle have any enemies? Not that I know of.

...and how about this house? Who lives here?

It belongs to a Major Simon Montague.

He was a former business partner of the baron's.

When my uncle disappeared I was frantic. So I called Major Montague and he offered to help me.

...and what do you know about him? My uncle trusted him implicitly, and still he treats me like a child. Tells me not to worry.

Says that he's handling things.

And all the time I feel as though I'm being watched.

And he's been so sweet and kind ever since my arrival.

Getting kind of dark in here isn't it? We were just talking about you.

Something flattering I hope? Maybe I should've listened a minute.

If there's anything warms my heart it's finding out people like me as much as I like them. I don't believe I've had the honor sir.

Mr Craig. Hi Mr. Craig. Glad to see you.

I thought your name was Craig I'm Craig too, that's quite a coincidence.

Major Montague I met Mr Craig on shipboard.

Still a little seasick. It's a pleasure knowing you, son.

Anything I can do for you while you're in the country, you just speak up.

Thank you sir.

Would you have a cigar? No thanks, I'm driving.

Craig, where have I heard that name before?

Madame, there's a phone call for you. Please take the message.

After all Carlotta, it may be important.

Yes, you're quite right.

Excuse me Mr Craig.

All right sir, now we'll quit playing possum. Yeah.

How do you do Mr McCloud?

Craig is the name, Elliott Craig. I was on shipboard...

You know that... You're a private detective.

Yeah, just call me Sam.

Just to show you my heart's in the right place I'm going to help you do a little detecting. This way, son.

Coming dad.

I may have a little surprise for you.

You'll pardon us gentlemen, this is Mr McCloud.

Mr McLoud I'd like you to meet... The man in the picture! Baron Montay!

How do you do? She said you'd been snatched!

You have my word for it, I'm not a mirage.

Yeah, but she told me, she seemed so... I don't get it.

Such a lovely girl, the very flower of young womanhood too.

Perhaps Dr Lundau can tell you about her. I believe you've met the doctor?

Yes, we had a long talk outside. Beautiful day, isn't it?

I said that. Well Mr McCloud, as you perhaps know it is not the habit of a psychiatrist to put on display the skeletons in anyone's family closet. However, I believe you are entitled to an explanation of the strange behavior of Baron Montay's wife.

Wife? She just told me she was his niece.

Last week she was his little sister. It is not funny, major.

For the past six months Mrs Montay has been suffering from an acute form of schizophrenia accompanied by visual elaborations and increasingly severe paranoid delusions.

And how is she mentally?

Our friend Mr. McCloud is a Harvard man. I am not.

Fairmount High, Cleveland.

Won't you sit here, please?

I'll try to simplify the case. Make it easy on yourself I handle all these...

Miss Montay has an obsession that her own life is in danger.

She believes that her uncle has been kidnapped.

Gee... I mean, why don't you bring her in here and show her the baron?

That's what I'd do.

No señor. It would be too severe a mental shock.

My idea is to break down her fear with suggestive therapy.

Well, does she snap her cap very often? I mean when you invite company for dinner do you take away her knife and fork?

She's only dangerous if she's emotionally disturbed.

You must have come across many similar cases in your business, Mr McCloud.

Did you? Oh, me. Sure, I can take those schizos or leave them alone and usually I leave them alone. I figure that...

I must get back to the office and file some fingernails, fingerprints... See you then.

You know, my heart goes out to that poor unfortunate girl.

Her mind is all mixed up.

It's down right pitiful. I suppose she even said something about a map, huh?

Map? Yeah, she even gave me one to hold for her. Mysterious map, missing uncle.

Pretty corny. There was something about the way she looked that made me suspicious.

The way she looked I didn't care. But you kept the map?

Sure, why not? She may not have it up here, but... hubba, hubba.

Thank you Kismet.

Now you watch yourself, son.

Come in, Carlotta dear.

Nutty as a fruitcake, with all that beautiful frosting.

I was just saying to your friend Mr Craig that anytime he's in the neighborhood he should feel free to drop in and have a julep with us.

If you all excuse me.

Don't go major, you know the old saying "three is company two is a crowd".

You'll take care of yourself, son.

Here we are alone at last. Goodbye.

Do you know who that phone call was from? Napoleon?

Her schizo is about to phrenia.

Why did I get up today?

I just spoke to my uncle. That's funny, so did I.

Who? My uncle, Baron Montay.

He told me not to worry, but I'm terribly disturbed.

Emotionally? Yes, he said he was safe.

He's safe alright, I mean... he's safe alright!

But he's not safe, I know he isn't.

No, he's in a terrible spot.

But I feel he's in great danger.

Yes, yes. He's in great danger, but he's safe alright.

He's safe. Sound like an umpire.

Don't you see? Someone forced him to make that call.

Someone who wants me to believe that nothing is wrong.

Mr McCloud, I don't know what to do. I'm at my wits' end!

I passed there an hour ago.

What's the matter with you? Me?

You better take the ring back.

Mr McCloud, Sam, you wouldn't desert me, not now?

No, I just remembered I've got a date with J. Edgar Hoover, kid never makes a move without me... But Sam!

You said we were in this thing together, you said you'd stick with me till your dying breath. And I'm getting too close to it.

Don't get upset Miss Montay, you just listen to the major He's a very fine man. He likes you.

So they've been talking to you. They've been telling you things.

You're crazy... I mean, you're being silly! Nobody's been talking to me.

I haven't even been talking to myself.

Yes they have, they told you something. And you believe them.

No, I'm on your side.

Now I know who's at the bottom of all this, Major Simon Montague.

No, we're in this together baby. Please don't believe them, Sam.

Say you'll help me. Please.

Please, baby, do it for mama.

Mama knows best.

Darling promise me you'll guard the map with your life.

Yeah the map... map? The map. Let me take this.

You can open the mail man later. Gee... 6 o'clock already... so long.

"Well, I got out of the house and was just starting for my car when I realized me and my gat had parted company, holster and all.

I figured little Miss Screwball must have lifted it when she kissed me.

I started to go back for it but I changed my mind.

I spot a high window around the corner of the house and decide to climb up and take a gander. I figured the only way to get the inside dope is from the outside.

Dope. So I scamper up the hill in about three jumps like any other goat, and take a sneek peek.

And what do you know? The guy who told me he couldn't walk is out of his wheelchair and sashaying around chipper as a jaybird.

Then I knew Carlotta wasn't nuts. I get out my Brownie and I'm all set to snap exhibit A, when laughing boy gets out of his chair and starts for the window. I figure he sees me.

But no, he pulls up the shade right in my kisser like it was ladies night in a Turkish bath.

I'm stymied, but only for a second. The keyhole! Here's where my gadget pays off.

The greatest invention since the Albany night bolt.

This will do it I says. Next stop Rogues Gallery.

Watch the birdy... click.

Oh, Carlotta. What am I saying?

He saw the baron. He took a picture.

Get that camera before I take the hide off you.

All right. There he goes.

Hurry. Close the gates, both gates.


Step on it.

Come on take this shortcut. Head him off.


Too fast for them.

Hot rod.

We've lost him. He must have taken the other road. Turn around!

Hey you big road hog, why do you...


Hello honey this is Joe. Come on up Joe, where have you been?

That Joe. What a man he must be.

Don't let 'em in, they're from the finance company.

I must remember this address.

That'll cool you off, Joe.

Aha! Didn't think you'd do it after that bath we had.

You doll, you.

We both came through like men.

Hello operator, get me the State Police. Yeah, I'll hang on.

Plenty rugged. Smooth though.

Cuddles, huh?

Operator? Never mind that call.

Very thoughtful of you to include the negative.

When I came to I was playing post office with the floor.

I had a lump on my head the size of my head.

Inside Toscanini was conducting the anvil chorus with real blacksmiths.

I looked at the bottle of old pile driver and decided to stick to double malts.

Then those kids with the hammer started pounding again... but the thumping wasn't in my head.

There was somebody knocking on the door, and it wasn't McCloud's door, it was my door.

My door in the other room.

Oh it's you. Yes, here I am Mr Jackson.

My head... How did they come out?

Yanks 4, Cleveland 7.

Now, Mr Jackson a man of your responsibility shouldn't drink.

Well, who's drinking? I... Oh... that's a bottle of bean bopper.

I want my baby picture.

Picture? Oh... wait a minute.

Where are you going? Just a second, wait.

They got it. It's gone. It's gone?

Let me see, I had it in here and I took it in there.

Oh, this would have to happen to sweetie.

No, it's not your baby's picture. Here's the negative, have it printed some place else.

I'm out of business. I'm retired. Remember that if you have another baby, please.

Quiet, I'm thinking.

Boy, I've got things to do. Important things to do.

What have I got to do? Carlotta!

There he is, that's the fellow. Get him.

Watch him, he's one of the gang. All right, what did you do with the baron?

Come clean you gunza, we mean business. Don't we, fellows?

I beg your pardon, what's going on here?

Don't try to look so innocent with those blue point eyes watch him he's got a knife. Have you got a knife?

Sure I've got a knife. I'm the gardener.

What did you think that I was last night? A chrysanthemum? He tried to prune me.

Hold it bud. Is there anyone living here by the name of... Carlotta Montay?

Who is Carlotta Montay? You know who she is.

She's staying here with Major Montague. Who is Major Montague?

This house belongs to the George Krandals, they've been in South America for 4 months.

Six months. Then he's sub-letting.

Do you mind if we take a look inside? No, please come along. Pardon me.

This way.

I'll show you they're all probably hiding in here.

Stick with me.

What's this? Looks like nobody home.

Nothing personal about that I hope. What do you think sarge?

I think a rebuke is in order.

Wait a minute, don't get your badges in an uproar, you've got this all wrong they fixed my car, they fixed the gate, they fixed everything that's their racket they're trying to make people think everybody's crazy.

Yeah, but with you they had a head start.

Wait a minute, you got to listen to me, you got to trust me fellows this is the biggest frame up since Whistler's mother.

Wait a minute. Keep moving, you got a long drive back to town. Let me tell you something.

What? I like long drives.

Get going.

If you bother us again I'll personally punch you in the nose so hard that it will look like other people's noses. It might be worth it.

Sorry we bothered you. You're not a bad guy for a foreigner.

But I'm going to be a citizen. I'm studying for my examination.

By the way, could you gentlemen tell me... who was the eighth President of the United States?

So long bud.

He's going around to the back.

Well, you know what to do. Sure I know what to do.

Not that you fool. Why did he come back? Why does he want to search the house?

He's looking for clues.

Clues, huh? He wants a clue to Carlotta's whereabouts.

See that he finds one. This one.

Find one.

Always looks so easy in those Tarzan pictures.


Her ring!

Seacliff Lodge. So that's where she is.

Never leave a clue.


Well, I knew where the doll was, my next move is to find her.

So I get back into my hot-rod special and start out.

About an hour later I spot a sign: Seacliff Lodge.

So I go in to locate the girl pretending I'm just another guest looking for a little quiet relaxation.

The place is just what I figured. A ritzy summer resort, complete with golf course.

Pardon me, how do you get to the lodge from here?

That's where I live, straight ahead, you can't miss it.

Did you notice if a good looking dark haired girl checked in there last night?

Can't talk.

Care to play these last three holes? It will take you right there.

Okay, how about my car? They'll send for it.

Crawford's the name, Oliver J. Crawford. Well, mine's Smithers.

Nine iron. Care to shoot first? Okay.

Say, this girl last night did you notice if she was alone?

Care to make a small wager? A dollar a hole?

Did you notice if she had a...

You hit a full nine, there's water down there.

Missed it. Cup must have moved on me.

I feel like a pretty good round today myself.

Lucky I got over those traps. I didn't see it.

Right in the cup.

I'll concede that. Thanks.

For a minute there I didn't think you had a ball.

Tough luck old boy. You're one down.

Where's your ball? Right here.

Nice lie.

Right on the green. I can't even see the green.

I can. Say Smithers, how about that buck you owe me?

I owe you? A dollar a hole.

Nice racket you got. Thanks. George Washington.

Where? He's staying here, you know?

Got the room next to mine.

Keeps me up all night long playing Yankee Doodle on his fife.

Off key. Why don't you tell Petrullo about it?

Hurry up, quick, grab them, there they go. I'm looking for you Chummy.

We're going to see the doctor. Doctor?

Sanitarium? You got me wrong, I'm not crazy.

I know, maybe you'd like some walnuts?

Walnuts? Why don't you grab those nuts, there's strudel in the noodle...

I want you. But I'm okay, I'm sane I'll prove it to you.

Watch this coordination.

It's the wrong hand.

I'll practice a little. See you later.

Come on. Easy, that's my pinball hand.

We're going to see the doctor. It's no use bud I'm not going with you.

Let's see the doctor.

Watch out or we'll never get that down again.

That's better but there's a part missing.

A thing like this could be permanent.

Cuddles.

Hello. Do they have bellhops here?

Welcome to Seacliff Lodge.

The map? Where's the map?

You didn't bring it with you that's very bad.

I didn't expect to see you here. Get me out of this angle.

Very bad. Trying to choke somebody?

I don't know what's going on here but I'm not scared.

You've got company, Ma'am. Carlotta.

Sam, I'm sorry. That's alright baby.

Why did I have to go and do this, now I've got you into this mess too.

Don't go feminine on me. Alright.

Don't go masculine either.

Well. I didn't know this was going to be formal.

I'll be right with you boss.

Come over here and sit down son. You and I are going to have a little talk.

I'll do the talking, you do the sitting.

I'll do the talking.

I'll do the sitting.

The map, Kismet. Didn't have it on him, Simon.

No?

That kind of changes things, don't it? Yes, it does change things.

Sam boy. Recently I offered to buy from Baron Montay the mineral rights of a section of his land.

Unfortunately the baron turned my offer down. He came to this country to make a deal with somebody else. Who is this someone else and what kind of mineral rights? You're getting too inquisitive son.

And that ain't healthy. Maybe little Carlotta here is beginning to see the light. You know I'm very fond of you Carlotta and I don't like to see you holding out on me.

Lay off of her you phoney... It's a good thing you're here, I'd be brutal.

Carlotta. Uncle Stephen.

Are you alright? Yes child, they haven't harmed me.

Is that your uncle? He looks just like the guy in the picture I took.

You should have held on to it, that picture might have spoiled everything for us.

Light, please, Carlotta.

Oh, Simon If you don't mind I'd like to acquaint the baron with a few basic facts.

You see monsieur le barone, we have you, we have your niece, and... having Mr McCloud we have the map.

Not yet, you haven't.

Yes, but before the chrysanthemum blooms we will have it.

Please put this away, yes?

Come here, Willie. Let's stop fooling around son.

I want that map and I want it now.

What you want and what you're going to get are two different things I'm not the giving kind.

Temper, Kismet, temper.

Don't be so rough with Sam He can take it.

The poor boy's dazed, he don't know what's going on.

Oh, I'm sorry honey, I didn't mean to get so fresh.

It's you?

Now, where's the map son? Is that what you want?

Why didn't you say so? You don't have to get it the hard way.

Sam, don't. What's the use? They'll beat it out of us anyway, we might as well tell them.

Go on Chummy, you tell them.

I hid the map in a water cooler in my office.

He's lying, I've searched his office.

You looked in the wrong water cooler, the one I mean is in... Sam.

We might as well tell them the truth.

You'll find the map in a water-cooler at the ferry building.

Yeah, the ferry building.

In the water cooler by the news stand third cup from the top.

We'll find out. Tony, should take you about three hours to get to that ferry building and back. Get going son.

Doctor, better register them as patients, in case they should happen to meet with an accident, usual papers will be filled out.

You see, if Tony doesn't happen to find that map.


James Collins?

Sam, can you hear me?

What's up baby? That cigarette you saw me take from my uncle, there was a message in it from him.

We've two hours to get out of here.

We've got nothing to worry about till Tony gets back.

They took all my clothes. Mine too.

They did? Oh they did..

Say, have you got a hairpin? Sam this is no time to be thinking about your looks.

Here. Oh, good.

Say, how did you know about that cigarette?

My uncle never smokes so when he asked me for a light I...

He wants us to get in touch with a James Collins.

Engineering Facts Corporation.

I've seen this done a thousand times. Who is this James Collins?

I don't know, but we've got to find him.

It's always so simple, just put the hairpin in the lock, give it a quick twist...

Well, come on in. Get up, we can play jacks later.

Quick, vanish, quick.

Oh, it's you! Okay, take me away.

I brung you some grub I fixed it all myself.

I haven't got much of an appetite, if I could take a long walk.

Ohhh, them there guys wouldn't let you. You know Chummy I like you.

You've got a funny way of showing it. I'm still trying to get the corpuscles to move back in. I'm sorry.

You just don't know your own strength.

You know Willie I like you too. You do?

Yes sir. What a physique. Boulder Dam with legs.

And look at those shoulders. And that arm. Like a sack of door knobs.

Recess.

I'm just kidding.

Hey, Chummy, do you care if I feel your muscle too? No, go ahead.

Look around it's there some place.

There it is. That's it.

It's just like a woman.

Easy, everything you touch turns to rigor mortis.

You know Willie, with your strength I bet you could take that radiator and just pull it up by the roots and play it like an accordion. Wouldn't that be fun?

You could even take those bars and just bend them apart, huh?

Aw, I don't like to brag. Well, go ahead and brag.

Alright.

Oh, that's great Willie. Gee you're strong.

You want I should tear out the radiator.

No, that's okay, you've done enough, you're wonderful.

You're solid spinach. You're great, I'll buy you a rabbit later.

Thanks very much. I'll be seeing you Chummy.

You got to be neat, you know.

Willie?

Did you hear that? Yes.

Big detective outsmarted by an imbecile.

We've got to get out of here. In two hours though.

We're caught like rats in a trap.

At least we're a boy-rat and a girl-rat.

Here's your dinner. Thank you.

No use struggling.

See, I told you there was no use struggling. Come on.

No, get the keys.

I'll be your nurse, patient.

Oh, great. This is where I get the new clothes.

We'd better split up when we get downstairs and meet at my car.

You can't miss it it's a great convertible job with a horn that goes "dadadada".

It's a conservative model.

Yes, but suppose they took the keys.

Don't need them, there's a trick you can do with the wires.

Somebody's coming. Act like a nurse.

Act like a patient.

There, there. Oh nurse?

Phenobarbitol.

I think I do this too well. Come on.

Wait a minute, let's see what's in here.

There's nothing here but this mangy old piece of moth bait.

It's mine. Yours? Pretty, isn't it.

We can't use this. Come on.

When we get to the door we'll make a break for it.

Hi you stranger.

How do you do my dear?

Going around with a pretty nurse I see, you'll be getting out of here in no time.

He's one of us.

How many branches does our government consist of?

Our government consists of three branches.

What are the three branches of our government?

The three branches of our government are...

The legislative, the executive and the judicial.

What does the legislative branch of our government do?

It makes the laws.

What does the executive branch of our government do?

It carries out the law.

Sneaking out, stranger?

It's you.

Practicing again.

Don't leave me.

How delightful.

Wonderful. Wait a minute.

Take it easy, Cuddles. Cuddles?

Look I was j...

Marvelous! Come here you coward.

Look you could get in trouble...

Why you dirty rat!

Nothing personal.

Great. Come here, come here...

Why, you stupid, you...

Come on, let's...

Hey, Willie, you go that way.

Hey, I don't see him.

Fan out Willie, let's search the woods. Fan out.

Friend.

How did you get rid of them? You just couldn't stand the details baby.

I just hope I didn't slug them too hard.

It's a good thing we're downhill. I'll release the brake.

What are you doing now? I'll show you the trick with the wires.

We don't need the key.

What a time to hit the jackpot.

You do better with your knife. Shut up.

What happened? Hey, I'm driving.

I'll take it through here it gets a little rough. Thanks.

As soon as we get to the city we'll call Mr Collins.

Or better yet we'll go to your office and get the map and then we'll go...

Hold it. What's the matter?

I got news for you Miss Montay I'm bowing out.

But Sam you can't. I'm forcing myself.

This kind of life is too rich for my blood.

The little I've got left. I'll get you the map and we'll call it quits.

Tell me Mr McCloud. Are you always afraid of old men with phoney southern accents?

What do I owe you? All I know is you came into my office with a phoney story and a ring

... and now I ain't got the ring and I'm stuck with the story.

Put this top up. It's going to rain.

It never rains at this time of the year.

Orange juice.

There you are. Ronnie Jackson, photographer for babies?

That's me.

Where's Sam McCloud? He's out of town which is a tough break for all of us.

So you've been playing detective. Yeah and I'm through playing sister.

The last 24 hours I've been knocked out, shot at, beaten up, knocked out again and put through the ringer.

And if I'm still alive it's only because the insurance company doesn't want to give up.

They're afraid it would break them.

Here's your map Miss Montay. Right water cooler but the wrong office.

Good bye.

Alright. Goodbye Sam. I mean Mr Jackson.

Bye. And I don't mean see you later. So long sister.

Wait a minute, you can't go out like that, you're soaked to the skin.

I'll manage. Hold steady.

Why do women always act like women.

Here are a few things. Who's things?

Mine, pick out what you need.

The ones with the lace are still at the laundry. May I change...

No, it's my room. Over here behind the screen.

You're not a detective, you act like one.

Well, I ain't exactly a cream puff sister.

Guy could use water wings in this business.

Oh Ronnie, I just wanted you to know, I'm not really angry with you.

Why not? I'm very grateful for all you've done for me.

Even if you were Sam McCloud you couldn't have accomplished more.

Look, don't red apple me. From now on I'm going to stick to watch the birdie and leave the chicks alone.

I think you're a very brave man.

I know a sniveling coward when I see one.

Hi you sniv.

But I've no one else to turn to, won't you help me?

No.

Please. Oh no you don't. What kind of a sucker do you take me for? Just because you're a girl and I'm a boy and you're throwing those big blue eyes at me and you let me put my arms around you and you let me hold you close even closer you think you can get me to do anything you want.

What do you want baby?

Darling, the first thing we got to do... We're doing it.

We've got to find James Collins.

Collins... yes. No, we got to get out of here this is the first place those characters will look. I don't want that Cuddles playing mumbly peg on my throat. Take those off.

What? I mean... put this on.

I better roll these up first.

Where's my hat?

Oh, it's you Mrs Fong. Mr Jackson, stop pushing me.

I'm sorry. Hurry. I'm very disappointed in you.

You take a picture of Sonny smiling for the first time in his life.

And then you gave me the wrong... Don't worry about a thing Mrs Fong I'll give you your money back. Hurry.

But I don't want my money back I want a picture of Sonny smiling for the first time in his life.

Here they come. Hurry up.

Come on, let's go while we're still here.

Don't worry about a thing, I'll send you a check.

But you gave me the wrong negative.

Well our next move is to contact Mr James Collins.

His secretary said he had a date that night at a spot called the "Le Poulet D'Or"

From here in we had no worries Montague and his cute little playmates they were washed up, through, lost in the shuffle.

"Poulet D'Or" was our next stop, but we didn't look exactly like café society So I blew the bankroll to rent a tuxedo for myself and an evening gown for Carlotta. Boy did she stack up.

I guess you only get out of a thing what you put into it.

An hour later we were at the "Poulet D'Or", one of those real swanky cafés where they eat mink for breakfast.

Mr Whitebow has been waiting.

Mr Collins' table, he's expecting us.

Yes, Mr Collins. He's right there by the window.

Yes, there he is. This way please.

Just a minute bud. Tell that blonde at that table she's wanted on the phone.

Pronto. Certainly, sir.

Pardon me, you're wanted on the telephone miss. If you'll excuse me.

Mr Collins, we'd like to speak to you for a while.

I don't believe I've had the... Sit down, start talking baby.

My name is Carlotta Montay, my uncle is Baron Montay.

Baron Montay? I don't think I've ever...

My uncle told us to get in touch with you.

I'm sorry, I think you have the wrong man. Waiter, my check please.

Does this map mean anything to you?

Where is the baron?

Henry! The waiter said you had a phone call for me.

I will check it for you, madame.

The baron had an important appointment this Wednesday afternoon in Washington.

In his office, at the Pilgrim Hotel.

Someone must keep that appointment.

Someone will but it won't be the right Baron Montay.

Right, our first move is to get the local police.

No, you stay here Miss Montay.

These men are killers. Then I'll stay here too.

Come on. Okay.

If we're not back in forty-five minutes call the police.

All of them. Check.

The tenth precinct police station is the closest.

Good, we'll call from there. But the sooner we get this into the hands of the FBI the better.

Baron Montay's appointment in Washington Wednesday was with the State department This thing is dynamite. Look Mr Collins, just how do you figure in this deal?

I'm a geologist. I worked with Baron Montay in San Dimas in fact I drew up this map for him.

It shows the location of a great deposit of cryolite.

Well I don't see anything. It's in code.

Yesterday morning I got a phone call, the voice exactly like Baron Montay's.

Whoever it was said that there had been a change in plans that the land was no longer for sale. Do you realize what that means?

Well, not exactly.

It means that somebody, some other government perhaps, is after that cryolite.

Cryolite, huh? Well, we can't let them get it.

What's cryolite?

It's an ore. Containing crypto-bar. Crypto-bar? We can't let them get that!

What's crypto-bar? The source of uranium.

Uranium! Now I got you, I read Buck Rogers, too.

Must be that right front. Come on.

You know I had a hunch this thing was much bigger than it looked.

That's funny, it's okay. Come on.

Hey, Mr Collins, we're here.

Blood. And it ain't mine, it's red.

Keep cool Ronnie. The murder weapon.

Find the owner of this gun and you got the killer.

It's mine. My gun!

It's got my fingerprints on it.

I don't care if she has got a girlfriend I'm going home and hit the hay.

I just don't go for any blind dates. I'd rather be caught dead.

Okay, call her up.

Hey you. Who me?

You don't expect to get away with this, do you?

But I tell you I didn't do it, I didn't do it.

Of course you didn't do it. This fire hydrant just sneaked up on you, huh?

Oh that! Let me see your driver's license.

You got me all wrong officer, this isn't my car.

Oh, it isn't, huh? I don't drive, I drink a lot, I get nosebleeds.

What are doing here? I was just cleaning.

Trying to roll that drunk? No, I wouldn't think of it.

How far could I roll him? Besides some of my best friends are drunks.

I was just... well I got to go now, it's been fun. (Not too fast looks suspicious.)

So long, it's been fun. (Stop saying that.)

Goodbye now, I got to run now.

Hey fellow.

Hey, stop or I shoot.

Well, that takes care of him, he's a real help to us that boy.

What about the girl? Carlotta is no problem, we have the map.

"When I told Carlotta they'd rubbed out Collins it was quite a blow.

But the kid bounced back like a rubber ball.

A nice soft rubber ball. Too bad I wasn't in the mood to play catch.

I was in for keeps now: Ronnie Jackson wanted for murder.

Well, if we were going to save the doll's uncle and Mrs Jackson's boy Ronnie we had to get something on that gang.

That meant our next stop had to be Washington.

But we needed dough to get there and little Carlotta came through.

We got the last two seats on a plane headed east, and by midnight we were playing tag with the Rockies.

Carlotta was very sweet. She looked after me like a mother.

I guess she wanted to make sure I didn't get away.

And for a disguise I was wearing a ten o'clock shadow.

I had to play it cagey. The only thing that bothered me was the altitude.

I knew it would get me, I get airsick when I step on a thick carpet.

We hit Washington about noon the next day and we grabbed a cab for the Pilgrim Hotel.

Well, this was the end the ride. The payoff.

Ronnie Jackson vs Mint Julep Montague. My brain pitted against his.

He had the brain and I had the pit.

Suppose they haven't got a room near my uncle's suite?

You just toss that smile at him honey and he'll give us the joint.

Thanks, Ronnie. Look.

It's nice to see you again, baron. Thank you.

I guess old shortnin' bread joins 'em later.

I'll see about that room.

Hey Bud, we'd like to talk to you about... One moment please.

Can you tell me the number of Baron Montay's suite?

Sorry, he's out of town. I'm Mr Dawson of the State Department.

Oh yes, he's expecting you. Suite 14C. Thank you.

We'd like a room please, something on the 14th floor.

Sorry we haven't a thing.

What about those rooms for Hennessey and McCarthy?

And Kelly? And Schultz?

Oh yes, will you please register?

I thought you said you didn't have a room.

Well, you see, if you were with the convention I could...

Sure we're with the convention.

You certainly don't look like a detective.

Well, I'm not exactly a detective, I'm more of a stool pidgeon.

But they're at the other hotel... Well look...

We must be off old boy, cheerio, pit pit, top hole and all that sort of rot... Come, come.

We mustn't be late for tea. I hate soggy crumpets, you know.

So do I. Stiff up bud.

Read all about it. Get your latest.

Police capture killer.

They got me. New York gang slayer jailed.

It's a New York murder he's yelling about.

Sure, I'm just a San Francisco murderer.

Don't know how much more of this I can take.

You've had me in hot water so long I feel like a tea-bag.

Well, why don't you quit, I can take it from here.

Oh sure, now that you got me over a barrel, now that I'm wanted for murder.

For murder. You want me to quit? Let me...

Did you hear that bell ringing? What bell?

They just rang for ice water in 14C.

And who do you think is going to bring it up? Me, not my chambermaid.

Mr Dawson. Boy, bring it back!

I want to talk to you.

Which way son? To the right Major Montague.

Hey boy, give me a hand with these bags.

This is ice water. There's a blonde in 14A who's on fire. I'll check...

Cut the comedy and get these bags. It's an emergency, she says...

Come on. Okay, just let me drop this.

Don't push me around. My dues are paid too you know.

Alright, Tony.

Let's go.

Oh boy, you, that portfolio... The office is in there, Simon.

Put the bags in that room and the portfolio in the office.

Hey Baron, how was it, easy? I handled Mrs Dawson beautifully.

Nice having you with us again Baron Montay.

Will you be in Washington long? Not long, a few days perhaps.

Let me tell you about Dawson. Not now, wait till we're alone.

Would you like me to open the window for you?

No, it's quite alright, thank you.

Yes baron. Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. Coming.

Will that be all sir? That's all thank you.

And the other boy? Just a minute young man.

Give this to your friend. Oh, thank you sir.

Okay sucker.

You'd have been proud of me, I tell you.

Not Kismet. He's never proud of anybody.


Well?

The baron's a stubborn old man.

He still hasn't talked, he pretends he doesn't know the code.

Give me that.

Well, if it ain't Chummy.

Look Willie, we're friends, pals, remember?

Sure. I like you. Let's go tell the fellows you're here.

No, Willie. They'd ruin everything. We're friends, let's be alone.

Here, have some walnuts. Are them yours?

Slip this into your pocket. Gee, thanks.

Have some more. I like walnuts better than almost anything.

Except coconuts. I hate them. They don't fit in here.

And they will soon. Just forget that you ever saw me.

I'll bring you some reachy nuts, you can crack 'em with your eyelids. They're more fun.

You're a pal.


You know who I just seen? That is the part that's in code.

Go ahead. What are you doing? Crackin' nuts.

Guess who give 'em to me. Oh, sit down.

He was right outsi... Stop interrupting.

But I just wanted... Shut up.

That ain't no nice way to talk to a person...

Alright, just for that I'll keep quiet.

Any luck?

Thought you looked a little thin. Anything in the portfolio?

Just this, they're too smart to put anything on paper.

I'd go out there and shoot it out with them but it's so messy.

I've looked all through the filing cabinet.

We got to get something out of the baby or we're dead ducks.

"We got to get something out of the baby or we're dead ducks."

I said that.

What is it? That's a recording machine.

It repeats what you say.

You know, for a guy too fat to hold a secretary in his lap.

Do you know how to work it? Sure, you just speak into this mike and make a record.

That's it. That's what?

You work the machine I'll get them to talk.

This is one of the best ideas I ever had.

Marvelous what you can do when you're thinking.

Okay, lead them in.

What was that? I don't know, it came from in there.

Well, Carlotta. A chambermaid now, huh?

You see she's dangerous we've got to get rid of her.

Oh, let her go Kismet. We don't want any trouble here.

But that's no trouble. I'll put her in a trunk and send her to my brother in California.

I said let her go. Alright boys, we'll handle this.

Sit down Carlotta.

Whatever happened to your friend, what was his name, Mr Jackson?

That fool, that imbecile, he never knew when to keep his mouth shut.

You were too smart for him. Now I'm alone and... too weak to fight any longer.

There's really nothing to fight about honey.

Here, I'll show you what I mean.

Carlotta, I once made you a mighty generous offer concerning this.

Yeah, the map?

Yes, the map.

Now I'm repeating that offer.

There seems to be something missing here. The code.

You get me the code to the uranium deposits in San Dimas and I'll let you both go.

You mean... my uncle and me? Yes.

I see. Otherwise?

Well, you know what we did to Mr Collins.

What do you mean we? I did.

Always belittling me. When I do a job I do it.

I don't think we ought to waste time arguing between ourselves, Kismet.

All right.

Well I... I'll get to think it over for a minute it's a very big decision.

I don't like to be kept waiting girl. No we don't.

Did you hear me Carlotta?

Did you really kill Mr Collins? Who do you think did it?

That baby photographer? That phoney detective?

How do you like that? Such a neat job, an artistic job and... she thinks an amateur did it.

Yes, stop taking bows. I'm not taking any bows.

I'm still waiting, Carlotta.

Did you hear me?

Kismet, I can't believe that you killed Mr Collins.

But I did, I killed him! How often do I have to say it!

That does it, stick them up.

Easy Cuddles, one move and you're a dead midget.

Didn't recognize me, huh? Give me that map, come here baby.

You're liable to be in the crossfire. Now get your friends in here.

Hurry up or I'll fill you so full of holes you'll look like a fat clarinette.

Come on get them in here. Get back there.

Make it snappy. Nice work baby. Alright boys, you can come in now.

Hurry up. Come on. Easy does it fellows.

I've got a bullet in here for each of you. And one left over in case I can still hear breathing.

You know those dicks downstairs, tell them I'm giving a little party in 14C. Hurry.

Will you be all right? All right? This is my type of work.

Line up against the wall. Hurry up, I got you covered.

Back up all of you.

I said back up!

Okay, then I'll back up.

Come on fellows, be sensible. The least you can do is put your hands up.

Why didn't I think of that before?

See this record? It's a little swing number.

And you guys are going to do the swinging.

Willie. What about Willie?

Give it to me Chummy. Walnuts? I don't want to hurt you.

Why you coward? Using you feet, huh?

Sorry. Get after him. Get that record.

Get after him. Get that record.

Look. You come one step closer and I'll break this record into a thousand pieces.

Wait a minute, who's side am I on?

Please fellows, I can't go any higher... the ceiling. I'll blow my top.

Get him down and get the record.

No reachy nuts. Give it to me Chummy.

Ray Milland's been here.

Give it to me. I hate to do this Willie.

What's going on in here?

I'm Lieutenant Hennessey. Oh, Lieutenant! Boy... am I glad to see you.

Arrest that man he's a crook and a murderer, they're all murderers.

Are you all right? Yeah, thanks.

You got here just in time. What is this?

Well the young fellow is a little mixed up officer.

I want you all to meet Ronnie Jackson, who's wanted by the State of California for the murder of one James Collins.

Just a minute, you listen to that record and you'll see who killed James Collins.

Get the record and we'll play... Lock the door!

Come, watch, listen to this, come here.

Stay here Jim. Yes sir.

And that's not all I'll show you. I'll fix these characters.

The man's plumb crazy. Wait'll you hear this, I'll send all these guys to the cooler. That's right Ronnie.

You may be having a detective's convention, but I've been doing a little sleuthing myself... in a modern way with a recording machine. Need any help?

Give me that record. Back away gremlin. All right.

Gentlemen the record you're about to hear not only clears me of a murder charge but also exposes a tremendous international conspiracy.

A conspiracy, gentlemen, which seeks to destroy civilization. Listen.

This isn't the record! I've been framed.

They switched the records on me.

Wait a minute! Before you take him away in that pocket he has something that belongs to me.

Give me that map, it's not his it's Baron Montay's.

Ask her, ask Carlotta. Carlotta?

Let's go killer.

Well, that's about it. You know the rest.

Quick trial, Carlotta never showing up.

Nice deal, women.

Hey! That reminds me. Yeah, we're late.

You're late, in about 5 minutes I'll be the late Ronnie Jackson.

Come on. We got tickets for this thing.

Well fine. Remember I'm doing this without a rehearsal.

That too tight? Can you breathe? What's the difference?

What is this thing doc? That is a stethoscope.

Stethoscope?

Still beating!

Well hello Warden. Any news from the Governor?

Open up.

Come here son.

You and I are going to take a little walk.

Steady Jackson, you can take it.

Get some water.

Now I lay me down to sleep...

Oh, they got you too?

You look alive. Yes.

Where are we? Look.

Carlotta... You double crosser. Why didn't you come to my trial, where have you been?

Ronnie, you're free. I'm free?

Yeah, but how? Who did it? You did, with your own little keyhole camera.

Look... Sam got this from Mrs Fong and he claims the rest was just routine.

My keyhole shot of the phoney baron, so you're the McCoy!

Young man, I want to thank you for saving my life.

It was nothing. And I did it. I knew I had it in me.

Hey! Maybe I was supposed to be a detective, huh?

Yeah, that's it, Ronnie Jackson the private eye.

No Ronnie, I think you better stick to taking baby pictures.

Oh! I forgot to tell the executioner it's all off.

Harry, it's all off.

Off?

Well he'll take any kind of a part.