My Favorite Martian (1999) Script

[Man] Mars surface ops, this is Houston. We're go for data.

[Man #2] Copy, Houston. Base pedal temp good. Remote pedal actuator good.

Probe primary and auxiliary transponders a-okay.

Shunt voltage three zero.

[Man #1] D.S.N. uplink rate is now 61.101.

Copy. We'll see if we can better that for you.

This is the probe's We need all the data we can get.

Uh, standby. We're getting a low current level here.

Voltage is down to, uh, 185.

[Man #2] Here's our rock, fellas. One-one-niner.

-Beautiful. -There it is again. There it is again.

Voltage down to 113.

-Can you repo the solar arrays? -[Man #2] Uh, negative.

M.P.C. load is critical.

-[Beeping] -Mars surface ops, -We're losing the signal here! -[Crackling]

Roger that. Transmission terminated.

-Well, people, congratulations. -[Smattering Of Applause]

We collected data on over a dozen new rocks.

I'd say this was five years and three trillion dollars well spent!

[Cheering]

[Brakes Screeching]

[Horn Honking]

[Tires Squealing]

[Grunts]

[Grunts]

Come on, gentlemen, keep up with me. I want an exclusive... with that policeman who was in the Santa Barbara shootout.

-I'll take it. -Glad you could make it, O'Hara.

Prescott, it's yours. Take Harrison and camera car five.

I want it for the 6:00. It's no good at 10:00. You got that?

-It's no good at 10:00. -What are you, a parrot? Get movin'.

I want footage of that 1st Monument Bank that got knocked off down in Oxnard.

-I'm all over it. -Van Gundy?

-Sir! -And get that security camera's

-Yeah, mm-hmm. -No tape, no story.

You got it, boss. Whatever you say, boss.

I like Van Gundy. I need something on that

-Well, that's me. I know Vandenberg, chief.

Who are you, Clark Kent? Felix, it's yours.

Get interviews with all the top brass involved.

Oh, take Brace with you. It's a good story for her to cut her teeth on.

Brace? Are you sure? Because I usually produce Brace's on-camera segments.

We're a team. I mean, we're more than a team. Brace and I are--

You and my daughter are what?

-Um, nothing. -That's right.

I didn't send Brace to all those fancy English boarding schools... to wind up with the likes of you.

Oh, O'Hara, I've got something here that's right up your alley.

A senior citizens' tanning contest being held tomorrow at Sunset Pier.

The Hawaiian Tropic Senior Cocoa Butter Classic.

-Huh? -[Reporters Laughing]

I want footage of all the old farts baking, an interview with the doctor on the dangers of sunbathing, yadda, yadda.

Something to fill time if my idiot weatherman runs short.

Mr. Channing? Mr. Channing? Excuse me. Sir?

You hired me because I had ten years' experience as a newspaper reporter.

Now, I will go to the ends of the Earth to bring you a great story.

But I need the chance.

You know, Tim, when I look at you, I see myself at your age.

-Really? -And I was a moron!

-Huh. -But you got a lot of nerve, Sometimes. Okay, it's yours.

-B-B-B-But you said-- -Shut up, Felix.

You won't-- You won't regret this, sir. You really won't.

O'Hara! You screw up this Vandenberg thing, you're fired. Is that clear?

Yeah. Crystal.

[Man Over Loudspeaker] Attention, all personnel.

We are T minus five minutes and counting.

We're here at the Vandenberg Air Force Base, where for the first time, -Cut. Brace? -the shuttle Atlantis

-Sweetie, could we lose the gum? -Billy!

Excuse me, Sergeant.

-[Spits] -I love show business.

Yeah, okay. Everybody back to one, please. Here we go.

Same thing. In five, four, three, two--

We're here at Vandenberg Air Force Base.

-We're here at Vandenberg Air Force Base, where just minutes from now, the shuttle Atlantis will be

-on the west coast. -I understand that Project Deadhead...

I understand that Project Deadhead is carrying a sophisticated satellite...

-to study the Fiona comet. -to study the Fiona comet.

Yes, the satellite has a specialized guidance system... which will allow it to pass closer to the comet than ever before.

Yeah, yeah. Is Jerry Garcia on board?

What?

Is Jerry Garcia on board?

Is Jerry Garcia on board?

-Well, yes, actually. -Yes!

Project Deadhead gets its name from the fact... that its payload includes the ashes of famous rocker...

Jerry Garcia of the Grateful Dead.

How in the world did you know that?

-It's my job to know that. -It's my job to know these things.

Well.

[Cheering, Applause]

-Okay, Lizzie, go to Brace. -[Cheering Continues]

All right, Brace, here we go. The big wrap-up.

-And so, on this the night of the Fiona Comet, the night of the Fiona Comet, our thoughts turn... to that satellite's only passenger-- Jerry Garcia.

-I'm Brace Channing-- -I'm Brace Channing for KGSC.

-Thank you, Captain Dalton. -Thank you.

-God, you're beautiful. -God, you're beautiful.

-[Gasps] -Thank you. So are you.

[Exhales] And we're out.

-Tim, I'd like a word with you. -And I'm dead.

-Colonel? -Yes?

-You might want to take a look at this, sir.

-So what? -It's changing direction, sir.

That's impossible. Are you sure it's not the trajectory of our own satellite?

Yes, sir. Uh, the comet's just changed direction again, sir.

-It's gotta be the equipment. -I've got down line confirmation.

No, sir. Our backup computers verify all systems go.

It's-- It's coming down, sir.

-The satellite? -No, sir. The comet.

Okay, let's go to general alert.

-Major, scramble the F-16s. -Yes, sir!

-Sergeant, get SETI group on the line. -Copy that.

Showtime, boys. We got ourselves a U.F.O.

Excuse me.

-What's this? -It's Capt. Dalton's telephone number.

Well, he's not really my type, but--

-You made me look such an idiot. -Brace, come on.

-Let me explain. -Just wait until I tell my daddy.

-No, Br-- Brace, come on! -Billy!

-Wait a minute! Look, I-- -Nice knowin' ya.

Ooh-hoo. Let us know where you end up.

-[Sighs] -It wasn't a complete disaster.

Oh, compared to what?

-The Hindenburg? -[Chuckles]

Titanic. I'm sorry, pal.

[Chuckles] Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Sorry.

The blues kept knockin' upon my door

-[Radio Stations Changing] -[Voice On Radio]

I said up, not out of joint!

We're goin' down!

-Mayday! Mayday! -Oh, not another ticket.

[Engine Roaring]

-Whoa! -[Tires Squealing]

[Electronic Bleeping]

[Breathing Heavily]

[Gasps]

-[Tires Screeching] -Aaah!

Are you crazy? You could have totaled my car!

-Did you see it? Did you see it? -See what?

[Stammering] There was a crash. A plane or some--

It was like a stealth fighter! I don't know!

-It happened so fast! -Oh, my God, a plane crash!

Well, that's terrible! We don't even have any video!

Good! It's over here.

-[Brace] Tim, wait for me! -Humans.

-Wait, not so fast! It's my story too, remember?

-[Tim] What was that? -[Brace] Hmm? What was what?

It was this flicker, this-- this light that--

-Never mind. -What, Tim?

Tim, wait! Oh, my heel!

These are really expensive shoes, you know!

-[Gasps] -[Breathing]

Come on, Tim, where is it?

It was this huge thing! It was this--

You know, it's really creepy out here.

[Grunting] Ow!

Tim?

-You've got 30 seconds and I'm leaving! -Hmm.

[Mumbling]

[Groans]

-Look at this. -[Screams] What's that?

I don't know. I-I-- I don't know.

-Is this your idea of a joke? -No, I swear to you-- look at--

Oh, really? And I thought you were one of the normal ones!

-[Alien Breathing Heavily] -I am one of the normal ones, normally.

[Scoffs] Ha ha ha.

[Scoffs] Nice try, Tim.

You and me, alone on the beach, on the night of a lunar eclipse, no less.

-I didn't make this up! -Keep this as a memento Last date? We haven't even had our first date!

-[Engine Starting] -Well, consider this both.

-Brace? Brace! -[Tires Screeching]

[Grunting]

[Grunting] Ahh.

Nurplex. Ay-yi-yi-yi mmm!

[Car Sputtering]

[Inhales Deeply] Humans.

-Come on, come on, come on. -[Engine Sputtering]

-Savages! -[Car Sputters, Turns Over]

[Backfires]

[Car Sputtering, Backfiring]

-Tim! -Aaah! Mrs. Brown.

-Too much lipstick? -Uh, well, no, no, no, no.

No, it's just that you, uh... kind of appeared, that's all.

I saved you some of my special brownies.

Mrs. Brown, brownies. Get it? [Chuckles]

-Yes! That's good. -There you go.

-Thank you very much. -[Chuckles] Did you see the eclipse?

Wasn't it très magnifique?

-Those French tapes are really paying off, aren't they?

-[Chuckles] Thanks for the brownies, Mrs. Brown.

Oh, Tim. I wanted to remind you... about the charity rummage sale this weekend.

If you have anything you want to donate, leave it Well, trust me, this will be right on top of the pile.

-Ahh. -Good night, Mrs. Brown.

One more thing I wanted to tell you, Tim! Oh, good night, Tim!

[Sighs]

I'm havin' a bad night.

I couldn't agree with ya more completely.

-Shut up. -How do you do it?

-[Answering Machine Beeps] -O'Hara here. Please leave a message.

-[Answering Machine Beeps] -Channing here. You're fired.

-Short enough for ya? -[Receiver Clicks]

What more can I say? When you're right, you're right!

[Wheezing]

[Coughing]

[Electronic Whirring]

[Gasps] Hmm.

[Groans]

[Gasps] Stay where you are, little Earth man, and no harm will come to you.

Say, I wish I'd thought of that!

-[Tim] Hello? -What more can I say?

-Be silent. -How do you do it?

I thought I told you to shut up.

I couldn't agree with you more-- [Muffled]

You leave me no choice.

Who's there? I got a gun!

Static. [Groans]

-Hey, buddy. Hey. Hey. -[Moans Softly]

-Hey! [Grunts] -That's it, Earthling!

-[Grunting] -It's alive!

Hyah!

Okay, you wanna play games?

-Slide through. -I must be going... [Grunts] nuts.

[Laughs] One strike, no balls.

Over here, Tiger Woods. [Chuckling]

[Blows Raspberry] Aaah!

-Hey, look-- Jimmy Hoffa. -Leisure suit from hell!

[Whimpering]

-I'm gonna... -Ohh! mutilate you!

Come on! Show your face... if you have one.

Where-- Where'd he go?

What the heck was in those brownies?

When dealing with primitive life-forms, sometimes one must resort to primitive acts.

-Are you okay, Zoot? -[Coughing]

If you don't mind my asking, where were you?

Don't be such a wet blanket.

Wait a minute. Leave my mother out of this!

It's your fault we ended up on this no-good, carbon-based, -over-oxygenated, miserable excuse of a--

-[Woman] Tim? -Oh, no. It's another one!

I know you're not asleep yet.

Tim, it's Lizzie!

[Gasps] Blotz! It's Lizzie!

What's a Lizzie?

I would say a Model T Ford, but this one has better tires.

-Ah-ooga! Ah-ooga! -I know what a woman is, Help, Mr. Lifeguard, I'm drowning. I need mouth-to-mouth.

Ugh, saliva exchange.

I would never partake in such an unsanitary interaction.

There must be some other way to greet a female and then be rid of it.

-[Knock On Door] -Tim!

If it was me, I'd be he.

-Tim, please. -Good thinking, Zoot.

Okay, Tim, I'm picking up the hide-a-key.

-Gonna open the door. -[Key Turning]

-Tim? -Lizzie!

My dear friend or family member.

Uh, oh, my gosh.

Oh, inappropriate.

-Oh, boy. -[Zoot] I told you Lizzie, my dear friend or family member.

You sound funny. Are you catching a cold?

A cold, a virus? [Deep Voice] Yes.

[Voice Changing] A contagious bubonic plague. You better leave.

What? What in the world--

Are-- Are you a Trekkie?

Uh, yes, I am.

Okay, what's going on?

-What's going on? -Tim, are you okay?

-You don't seem like yourself. -Oh, I'm Tim, all right.

-Tim O'Hara, no reason to doubt it. -Uh, what's going on?

Lots.

-Mmm. -Mmm.

-Lizzie. -Yeah?

If you're my sister, an explanation is in order.

[Chuckles] Yeah.

-Does this mean that you and I are-- -Indeed.

-Now, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do, and you...

-need...to go. -Huh?

Wha--

-Human emotions. -Crazy monkeys.

[Humming]

[Siren]

-[Beeping] -[Chattering]

Welcome, sir.

Where's Coleye?

Examining mucus-type protoplasm.

Hmm. It's saline-based.

Good God, Coleye, put that on a slide next time.

I want this stuff analyzed and the cigarette dusted for prints.

-I want to know whose this was. -There's more, sir.

[Coleye] Quadroped becomes... biped?

It must have taken human form!

The footprints stop at the road.

We think someone may have picked them up.

Evidence of a crash, no spaceship and alien in human form?

It's just like the incident of '64!

Keep your mouth shut, you idiot.

That incident is not only classified, but it never happened, you got it?

-Yes, sir. -Once again, we have no alien, no U.F.O.

If you can't get me either one, then you'd better start looking for another job.

Well, you heard him! Move it! It's out there somewhere!

-So, move it! Go! Move! -Yes, sir!

And God help the poor soul... who picked him up.

[Screams]

Silence, subculturer!

-Let me down! -Look what you did to me. Barbarian!

-Let me down! -As you wish!

-[Electronic Buzz] -[Screams, Crashes]

[Grunts]

For a thief, you are extremely clumsy.

-Thief? I'm not a thief. -So I see.

Tim O'Hara. You are a reporter.

Reporter? No. I'm a producer, pal!

-Let me tell ya, I-- Aaah! -[Electronic Buzzing]

Look, I didn't steal anything, okay? I don't know what you're talking about.

-All right, all right. -[Electronic Buzzing]

No! No! [Coughing]

Warning, Tim O'Hara. Any attempt to expose me will be useless.

-I think we use more than ten. -Your astronauts Case closed.

[Grunting]

Okay. Okay, just--

[Electronic Whirring]

Whoa!

Okay, it's just a dream. It's a very bad dream.

[Panting] Just-- Come on. Wake up. Wake up!

What's with that?

-I believe it's called a nervous breakdown.

-I don't believe in aliens. -I heard that!

To us, you are the alien.

If you must know, I am from the planet you call Mars.

-And what, I'm from Uranus? I never-- -I was getting to you!

Don't get a crease in your Sputnik.

[Zoot] Please, just introduce me to monkey boy.

This is my Zoot.

-A polymorphous Zootenex 3,000. -Just look, don't touch.

-Your suit talks? -[Scoffs] Incessantly.

Corduroys talk, nobody gives them grief.

-[Zoot] Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh. -Mars? Wait a minute.

[Stuttering] There's no life on Mars. We've sent probes.

I'd try to explain it, but you people still think "E" equals "MC" squared.

-You're still trying to analyze our rocks. Ha-ha!

Oh! Blasted sand particles.

They've completely crystallized the vortex generator.

-Hey, do you mind? -[Knock On Door]

-[Gasps] -Now what?

-Thank God, an eyewitness. -Eyewitness? Negative.

-You must tell no one. -No offence, but your ship is You're the biggest story in the history of mankind!

There is intelligent life out there in the universe!

I hope you're not including yourself in that statement!

Tim, listen, I'm sorry to bother you so early in the morning, but I got a hold of your mail, and I wanted--

Could you just-- please, come here. Take a look at that!

[Tim] Aaah!

Tim, you definitely need a maid! Oh, hello!

-Greetings. -Oh, I'm sorry to catch you

-Pajamas? [Muffled] -[Stammering] Where's the spaceship?

-[Mrs. Brown] Spaceship? -Right here.

Oh, for the rummage sale! Does it come with an action figure?

-You're looking at him. -[Chuckles]

-No, don't touch him! He's a Martian. -Tim, what's going on?

-[Stuttering] -I beg your-- Mart-- Martin?

-Yes. Martin. -No, no, no, no!

-He's a-- uh-- -Uncle!

-Martin. -Oh.

-Well, it's a pleasure to meet you. -He turns invisible, okay?

His suit talks-- he's got a talking suit.

He's got these things that pop out of his head-- You just--

-Show her. Go ahead. Come on, give her the finger.

No, I didn't mean that. I don't know what I mean. Forget it.

You'll have to forgive Tim, Mrs. Brown. He lost his job last night, and he's experiencing a nervous breakdown.

Oh, poor dear.

-I hope it doesn't affect the rent. -[Laughing Hysterically]

-Don't worry, I'm here to look after him.

He's very lucky to have an uncle like you in his life, Martin.

And you, Mrs. Brown, are like a brilliant quasar Oh! Call me Lorelei.

Lorelei. The sound of... pure mountain spring water from the centre of the Earth.

Oh, my. [Chuckles]

-[Slurping] -[Stammering]

Oh! [Chuckles]

I obviously misconstrued a custom. I apologize.

I'm from... New York.

No, actually, it's-- [Stuttering] It's fine.

[Stuttering] It's perfect. [Sighs]

-Oh, brother. -Oh, Martin?

Yes, Lorelei?

Um, Mr. Brown... passed away several years ago.

-I thought you might like to know that. -Hmm.

Au revoir. [Chuckles]

Hmm?

Just for the record, a handshake will do for me.

[Scoffs] You think that I actually enjoyed... tasting that female's exoskeleton?

[Shudders] I merely used my data on your primitive species to determine... the optimum way to avoid suspicion.

-Yeah, but what's the optimum way to get home?

I don't know, Zoot. Where on this barbaric swamp of a planet... can we find the makings of an electron accelerator?

-[Zoot] Maybe your new girlfriend has one.

Excuse me. Fellas, I don't mean to interrupt, but...

I-I, you know, I think I might be able to help you find that electron thing.

We're toast.

I don't believe this. You really think you can... repair your ship with all this junk?

Everything has been carefully chosen for its potential to fashion... a crude vortex electron accelerator.

Except for this. A pooper scooper.

I have no idea what it does, but it's fascinating.

Excuse me. Where are your nuclear implosion couplers?

For a garden hose?

I'm never going to get off this infernal planet.

[Zoot] The I.Q. of a pancake.

You're right. Humans are truly the amoebas of the universe!

Yeah, this from a guy who talks to his tin foil suit.

-Hey, what was that for? -It wasn't me, it was Zoot.

-[Zoot Laughing] -Come here a sec.

Listen, you've been on Earth, what, all of ten minutes?

-It's not so bad here. -[Chuckles] That's what Neenurt said.

-Who? -Exactly. One of my planet's and now he's gone without a trace.

He arrived on Earth in 1964, and, I presume, was abducted I shudder to think what they did to him in the name of science.

-What are they laughing at? -[Laughing] Hey, space man!

-I've been discovered! -[Electronic Buzz]

-[Grunting] -Sorry about that.

-Oh, my-- -What happened?

They don't know anything. They were just making fun of your--

Making fun. I'm one of the best-dressed beings on my planet.

[Man] Yo, Elvis! Nice suit.

Well, Dorothy, I hate to tell you this, but you're not in Kansas any more.

[Zoot] That's great. The minute I turn my back, you're getting into someone else's pants!

[Martin] I need to blend in, and you stand out like a putt

[Zoot] I should have known by the way you've been gawking... at every T-shirt and sweat pant we pass.

-Don't come apart at the seams! -Why is Zoot always the last to know?

-All right, all right, all right! -[Zoot Sobbing]

-Martian footage, take one. -Zoot, this is tearing me apart too.

[Zoot] I know I'm not what I used to be.

I mean, a stretch mark here, a line stain there.

[Zoot Sobbing]

[Screams]

-Hey! -Pervert!

It's not safe for a woman around here!

I'm ready to blend in now.

-Outstanding. -Martin, that outfit looks ridic--

-Stylin', bro! -Thanks, bro.

[Chuckles] Real cool.

I've got the touch on two planets.

I gotta get out more. How did your Zoot take the--

Zoot, he's highly intelligent. He understands.

Aaaah! You used me, you buttonhole!

-Go and have your fling. Colors fade! You'll see!

-Hello? -Huh? Oh, incoming.

Hello? Man.

Oh, geez!

Talk about a tacky suit!

-[Chuckles] -Tacky, huh?

Hey! Hey! What?

-Now turn the other cheek. -[Slapping Sound]

-[Shudders, Exhales] -Catch you later, Spanky.

[Exhales]

All right, I'm bustin' out!

-There. -Go ahead, try 'em all on.

See if I care. Whoa!

If love is a crime, lock me up!

I'm guilty. Look at her.

A perfect size six, and never been worn!

Darling, don't speak. Just come to me. [Chuckles]

Oh, this is crazy. I'm a polymorph, and you're a polyester.

Yes, you're synthetic, but I like that in a girl!

Give me some thread, baby! [Kissing Sounds]

-Oh, what's this, Velcro? Ohh! -Zoot!

Ah! No, thank you, little girl, I don't want to buy any cookies!

You lecherous leotard! Have you no shame?

Look who's talking, Mr. Clothes Horse!

Now, in you go, or you'll take a long walk on a short hanger.

Coming in for a landing! Flaps down!

-[Flatulent Sound] -I said bag it, mister!

All right, all right, you don't have to throw me in the hamper.

[Grunting, Speaking Gibberish]

Dork.

-Next time, the dry cleaner. -Bite these.

[Gasps] You-- Blasted nurplex!

Oh, Venus, Neptune!

-Help me, Tim! -Mm-hmm.

Tim, it's a little blue one!

No! Give me that, you age-impaired little blotz.

Mine! Gum!

-Mine! Nurplex! -[Blows Raspberry]

-[Roars] -[Screams]

[Screaming Continues]

Why wouldn't you give the kid a piece of gum?

[Scoffs] Okay, sure, right. Here, have one.

-Come on, let's go. No, no, come on. -What are you doing?

-What are you doing? -Trust me.

-Not the finger! Don't do the finger! -Try some.

-Why? -You don't want to try Martian gum?

-No, not particularly. -Afraid, Earthling?

You know what, that is not bad.

-The centre's got a nice little zing to it.

Hmm, no. No, not really.

What time do you have?

Aaaah!

[Gasps] Aaaah!

-[Gasps] -Spit, spit, spit.

[Groaning]

-[Groaning Continues] -Everything okay in there?

-Zipper trouble. -Yeeow.

[Breathing Heavily]

This "gum", as you call, allows me to take on the outward On you, it has the reverse effect.

Oh, so that's what you really look like.

Don't be disgusting. That was Fluvian Nurplex.

-Oh. -We carry many different planets.

If you think that was bad, this is Veenox Seven.

-Oh, well, that's-- -Don't ever mess with a Veenox Seven.

When it comes to Veenox Seven, just say no.

Me man got fire Me so on fire feeling hot, hot, hot All right, come on, the rest of you, come on up on stage!

The sun, while you can get it. The sand, the surf.

Usually, the beach conjures up images of our youth, but come on down to Sunset Pier today, and your contraceptions of--

-Preconceptions! -Contraceptions.

-Preconceptions! -Felix!

I said preconceptions! I swear, preconceptions!

-Billy! Billy! -Preconceptions!

I should listen to my parents and be a doctor. I hate this!

-Ooh! -[Gasps]

-Are we still rolling? -Nobody said "cut."

-Feeling hot, hot, hot -What do you think?

I think your bathing suit should have a top.

[Stammering] Cut! Cut! Cut!

-[Grunting] -Felix!

[Sighs] Felix is toast.

If Tim doesn't get here soon, we could all be looking for work.

[Chattering, Indistinct]

Wait here.

What is the meaning of this divergence?

-I gotta see some friends. -Negative! Exclamation point.

We're wasting valuable time. My ship must--

Look at that!

Do you have any idea how fortunate you are?

The only water we get back on Mars has to be squeezed from rocks.

-Well, surf's up, dude. -Tim, I'm so glad you came.

-Hurricane Brace hit again. -Oh, okay. Uh, Martin?

-I gotta go. I'll be right-- -Lizzie!

How nice to see you again.

-Have we met? -Of course!

Not. How nice to see you again for the first time.

I'm Tim's Uncle Martin.

-Oh, I-- -[Rumbling]

-I, uh-- -[Rumbling Continues]

-What was that? -I must find nourishment.

-That came from your stomach? -Stomachs.

Oh, he is-- [Chuckles] He is such a kidder.

Listen, I'll be with you in couple minutes, okay?

You just-- I'll be right over. Tell her to--

We gotta get you-- ah!

[Stomach Rumbling]

Excuse me, could I have a double dip-- actually, make that a triple dip, chocolate chip, please.

-Yes, sir. -Tim, I need nourishment, Look, this is very nutritious food here on Earth.

Tim, you don't need to try poison to know that it kills.

Here, take this.

Give me five minutes, okay? I have to go to the news van.

[Groans] Blecch!

-[Brace] Felix! -I said "preconceptions", I swear!

You unprofessional little man! All you have to do is come up

[Felix Groaning]

-Billy! -Brace! Brace!

-You'd rate this tantrum? -About a seven-five on the Brace scale.

-I'll talk to Felix. -You never told me about your uncle.

Are you--

Look, I'm glad you beeped me. We really need to talk. This is really big.

-I know. -You do?

Yes. Look, I've been thinking, and... our friendship really means a lot to me, and I don't want to screw that up.

-Okay. -So I think it would be better... if we just pretended that nothing ever happened between us last night.

-What happened last night? -Exactly!

I'm not sure I understand what--

Me either.

I guess we're both a little confused, huh, Tim?

-[Gasps] -Easy, easy.

I thought you were her. She's terrible, Tim. How did you last so long?

She's a little high-maintenance, but she's okay.

-Oh, lust is blind. -Do we still have that hidden camera You're sitting on it. Why?

-Here, let me help you with this. -Would you please?

-These words are way too big. -Huh? Humidity?

-Hot. -Oh, oh, oh, oh.

[Announcer] Wave for everybody!

By God, if I were only 40 years older, I'd be right there with 'em!

[Muttering, Indistinct]

-[Man] Miss Channing? -Hmm?

-Could I have a word with you, please? -Okay.

I've already signed it.

Come on, who are you guys, huh?

[Gasps, Muffled Screams]

Okay, guys, you're all set.

-Where's Brace? -I don't know. She took off.

She quit! And her dad gonna blame me!

Hey, what's going on over there?

-[Crowd Clamoring] -Uh, Billy, put that in my car.

-I gotta go. -Call me!

Martin!

[Gulping]

-[Gasps] -[Martin Shouting]

-I like it! -Martin!

Tim, you're here! You've got to save me from myself!

It's intoxicating. Ooh, cookie dough!

-I need to get you back to the home! -[Gurgling]

All they give him there is Jell-O. There we go.

[Muttering, Indistinct]

Cookie dough!

[Crowd Clamoring]

[Beeps]

Martian footage, take two.

[Groaning]

[Groaning Continues]

-Chubby Hubby hangover, huh? -[Groans]

[Tools Clattering]

I swear, I'll never touch that stuff again.

One scoop's too many, and a million aren't enough!

So, how's it coming, anyway?

Oh, I converted a blow dryer, two elastic bands... and an Acme Bug-Away insect bomb... into a temporary electron accelerator.

-Is it working? -Not at all, but on the positive side, your garage is now cockroach-free.

Blasted rental!

-This is a rental, is it? -My regular ship is in the shop... for its mid-millennium tune-up.

Where's your, uh, you know, your suit, Zoot... thing.

Oh ho, washing up.

-Owwww! Spin me, mama! -["I Feel Good"]

So nice, so good Five more minutes, Zoot, then into the dryer.

You're bringing me down, man!

[Groans] What I wouldn't give to shed this grotesque human facade... and let the cool Earth waters caress my Martian skin.

-Oh! -So why don't you?

Why not, indeed?

-["I Feel Good"] -Move over, Zoot!

I meant out in the hot tub, out back. It would be private, by yourself.

You mean spit out my Nurplex... and revert to Martian form right outside your domicile?

-Exactly. -Oh, do you think that's safe?

Oh, yes, of course it's safe.

-I'll do it! -Good. Let's go.

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.

-Tim? Thanks. -Yeah?

It's just a hot tub, Martin. No big deal.

I don't mean just that. I know I must have... created complete havoc with your simple life since the moment I arrived.

Anyway, I just wanted to say... thank you.

[Whooping Excitedly]

Hello!

Hello! Would somebody please... come and tell me what's going on here?

All right, Miss Channing.

Do you know what this is?

This has been positively identified... by my team of experts as your cigarette.

It was discovered at the site of a U.F.O. crash!

-What? -And on it are trace elements... of what we believe to be alien DNA.

-Alien? -Oh, don't play dumb with me!

You are an alien... inhabiting the body of a woman!

A very, very attractive woman.

Oh, please.

Dr Coleye, we've run the tests on the other cigarette.

It's human DNA.

Oh. So sorry.

An honest mistake. So, Miss Channing, do you have any idea how alien DNA... ended up on your cigarette?

I might. First of all, let's talk about what's in this for me.

The safety of this entire planet may depend on what you say to me.

There's nothing in it for you!

-[Frustrated Scream] -Dr Coleye.

May I call you... Doctor?

Think about it. When this story breaks, you will be the most famous scientist in history.

You will be on the cover of Scientific... whatever.

You will be the man that proves that aliens exist.

And I will be the woman who tells the world your story.

We'll do it together.

Okay.

-[Opera] -[Singing Along]

[Singing Opera]

-Tim? -[Gasps]

What are you doing up there?

[Whispering] My Uncle Martin's in the hot tub, and I'm... watching.

Oh.

What a strange family.

You can, uh-- You can sleep here.

-You guys do sleep, don't you? -Oh, most definitely.

Oh, great. We have something in common.

You're very kind, Tim O'Hara.

-No, just very tired. -Ohh, enjoy your rest cycle.

-[Electronic Buzz] -I'll do the same.

I could use a little shut-eye.

-[Sighs] So could I. -[Light Switch Clicks]

[Yawns]

-Rise and shine! -Yeah, yeah right.

What's on tap for today, Tim O'Hara?

I feel like a million radix.

Hey, it's still tonight. You've been asleep for 30 seconds.

Thirty seconds? Wow, I really was tired.

[Martin] What are we waiting for?

There's a whole metropolis out there just waiting to be discovered!

[Tim] No, not in the middle of the night, there isn't.

[Martin] I feel like ice cream, and there's no time like the present.

[Martin] Hello? Why aren't they open?

-What's wrong with this planet? -I told you they don't open till 10:00.

-I could be first in line. -They aren't gonna let you in not after that little stunt you pulled yesterday.

[Electronic Buzz]

-We call that breaking and entering. -[Electronic Buzz]

Ah, the smell of moist air.

I'll never forget this. Your ocean!

Ice cream!

This primitive planet may not compare to Mars, but it's not the rotten rock I thought it was.

Don't look now, but I think we're being followed.

Impossible. My acute sensory perception... would have detected that immediately.

[Electronic Whirring] Now it's working.

Hey! Hey, buddy!

-What are you doing? -I've been discovered!

-I'm doomed! -No, no, no, just calm down.

It's probably just some tourist or something.

Besides, even if you did get caught, you'd probably be, you know, welcomed.

Welcomed? Tim, where do Earthlings put... their most beautiful and rare animals?

If I don't get that spaceship fixed, I'm finished, just like Neenurt.

[Zoot] Can you fix it? 'Cause I'm dyin' here.

I need a drink, is what I need.

[Humming]

Yeah. Downy the hatch.

[Zoot Coughing]

-What was that? -What in blazes?

-What is it? -[Beeps]

Oh, blotz!

Zoot, an I.S.S.!

[Screams]

[Screams]

[Tape Rewinding]

-Blasted rental! -[Tape Rewinding]

-[Tape Rewinding] -Owww! Spin me, mama!

-So nice, so good -[Tape Rewinding]

-[Tape Playing At Fast Speed] -[Opera]

[Chuckles] Uncle Martin, what are you--

[Phone Ringing]

-Tech department. -[Tim] Hi, it's me.

-Oh, hi. -What are you doin'?

Uh, research.

Have you ever got into your head how-- how you felt about somebody, and then something they said or did just suddenly changed your mind?

Well, yeah, I--

Could you come over?

Please, I really need to see you. It's important.

Sure. Could you give me like a half an hour?

-[Sighs] You're the best, Lizzie. -Okay, see ya!

Oh, my gosh.

[Exhales]

[Martin Shouting]

-[Shouts] -Martin?

-[Growling] -I'm not like you.

I need more than twelve seconds of sleep.

All I need is one lousy electron accelerator... for a vortex generator.

But can I build it? No.

You'll do it. You just gotta give yourself a little time, that's all.

Time! I have no time!

I just discovered that this blasted rental... is equipped with an I.S.S.!

-Yeah, what's that? -Interstellar Safety System.

A detonation mechanism designed to prevent... advanced technology from falling into the wrong hands.

It's timer activates automatically at the point of a crash.

Okay, wait, I heard "detonation" somewhere in there.

If I don't take off by 9:00 tonight, you'll hear a lot more than that.

-Uh, how much more? -[Makes Explosion Sound]

-Uh-huh. -Lublick.

-Uh, you b-- -[Gulping]

[Belches] Ahhh!

I know you've done your best to help me, but it's no use.

[Gasps] Oh, no.

I'm sinking into a Martian depression.

Sinking? No, no sinking. Come on, we gotta go fix this thing.

I'm falling apart, Tim.

Oh, no, you're not.

-[Sobbing] -Come on.

-Yes you are. -On Mars, when we get depressed, we literally fall apart!

-[Screams] -Okay, no problem.

Don't move, don't make it any worse than it already is.

-What we're gonna do is we're gonna put you back together.

Does it screw in? It's not--

-Okay, just---aaah! No! -I wanna go home!

-We're gonna put our heads together-- -[Gasps]

-Aaaah! -[Knock On Door]

-Coming! -Who's that?

-It's Lizzie! -Lizzie? Oh, no.

You wait here.

-Where are you going with those? -Just tidying up!

Give 'em back! Give me back my arms! Give me back--

Why do I have to die here? [Groaning]

Hello?

-Yoo-hoo! -Don't move.

Tim!

Does anything in this room strike you as odd?

-Tim? -[Gasps]

[Martin] Just a minute!

-Aaah! -Would you just be quiet?

Coming! Lizzie! Oh, Br-Br-Brace!

Tim! Are you decent?

Oh, yeah! Yes, I am. [Stuttering] What a surprise!

-Yes, now get lost! -What did you say?

Uh, I'm lost. I mean, [Chuckles]

I'm at a loss for how beautiful you look.

Hey, hey, hey, hey-- [Screams]

Now, Tim, I hope you're gonna let me make it up to you.

Oh, no, you don't have to do that. I mean, that--

Well, you know, that's up to you. I mean, if that's--

I brought a little peace offering.

-Where are your wine glasses? -No, no, no--

That's the bedroom. No glasses up there.

Oh, well, maybe I'll get a little tour later.

-[Martin] Don't miss the bathroom! -I'm sorry?

I have to go to the bathroom later. Later.

Um, glasses are in the kitchen.

Why don't I go get them, and you just... kind of make yourself at home.

Okay.

-Fantastic apartment, Tim. -Thank you very much.

-[Cork Pops] -Ah, yeah, there we go.

Oh! What a slob!

[Humming]

[Martin Grunting] Cut it out!

-Hey! -Yes, let's fall in love

-Ooh! -Why shouldn't we

-Fall in love -Mmm, that's the spot.

Let's take a chance

-Ooh, yeah. Mmm. -Why be afraid of it, ba-ba-doo-day

-Let's close our eyes -[Moaning]

And make our own paradise

-Little we know -Oh, oh, no, harder, like before.

-Ahhh. -Oh, baby

-Where's the wine? -Uh, uh--

Why shouldn't we fall in love

-I'll get it. -Now is the time for it Let's fall in love You know, I asked Daddy about giving you another chance.

Oh, oh, good!

-Here we go. -Oh, lovely. Thanks.

Hmm. You know, I thought that crash of yours... might make a kind of cute little story.

-Oh, really? Good. That's-- -Mm-hmm.

[Grunts] Ow, ow, ow, ow.

Cut it out!

-What was that? -Uh, I didn't hear anything.

Tim, get rid of-- [Groaning]

Are you all right?

Yes, I just-- I really have to go to the bathroom.

-Well, hurry back. -[Chuckles]

-Why shouldn't we fall in love -Be a minute.

-Now's the time while we're young -[Sighs]

Tim! Get me outta here!

Stop making all that noise!

Tell her to stop punching me! Besides, what are you doing... letting that female in your apartment?

I've been waiting a long time to get Brace Channing into my apartment.

But you like Lizzie! I could tell through your saliva exchange.

-Excuse me? -Look, Tim, the other night, when you were unconscious, Lizzie came here.

-And you what, you kissed her? -Yes-- No, no--

Well, you did.

I did a molecular identiclone of your body.

-What? You what? -You'd never understand.

You people think E-mail is amazing.

The point is, while I was you, I tapped into your subconscious, and trust me, you like Lizzie.

That's why I thought it was okay for you to kiss her.

I-I-I didn't kiss her, you did!

[Gasps] Bingo!

Tim? I let myself in the back door.

Hello?

-Oh, isn't this nice? -Lizzie, is that you?

Oh, you look, um, nice.

He's in the bathroom, and he's all yours.

I got what I came for.

-Oh, this is great. -Tim!

-We don't have a lot of time here! -I'm confused, all right?

-Everything was going along fine until you came along.

Even a substandard species such as yours has feelings.

Just slow down for one millisecond and look into your heart.

Whose face do you see?

Look, Brace, I think-- Lizzie!

Whoa! Lizzie, no, wait, wait--

-No, please! -This better be good.

Oh, it is. It is.

Uh, remember that guy I was with at the pier yesterday?

-Your Uncle Martin. -He's not my uncle.

He's a Martian!

-[Chuckles] -Yeah.

-You are such a jerk! -No, no, no. He's a Martian!

It's the truth. In fact, he's the one who kissed you, not me.

-Really? -Yeah.

His head's in my sink right now.

-[Grunts] -Get some sleep. You look awful.

-Lizzie-- -And if there was anything kinky you better get Brace to give it back.

[Zoot Grunts] Fine! Since when did I become a mechanic?

-[Drill Whirring] -Do I look like overalls?

Uncle Martin!

-[Scissors Snipping] -[Zoot] Okay. Don't cut the red one.

-Or was it the blue one? [Mumbling] -Ooh!

I can't see a thing down here!

Oh, thanks.

-[Electricity Zapping] -Ow! Geez, that hurt!

-[Screams] -No!

Lady, please! Put a sock in it! Quiet!

The baby's sleeping!

Martin, I told you. We gotta get to the...

TV station before Brace does.

-[Martin] Open the bag! -Okay, okay.

-[Gasping] I can't breathe! -I'm sorry.

-Where is that confounded Zoot? -Zoot? Uh--

Zoot! Zoot! I think he's in the middle of a spin cycle.

Leave him! Quick, Tim! Get my arm out of the other bag!

-All right. Okay, okay, okay. -Okay.

-Okay. -Yes! Excellent! Toward the ship!

-Huh? What? -Higher! Higher! Okay, here!

Here we go! [Grunts] Yes!

-[Whimpering] -[Martin] Easy. Oh, no!

-[Screaming] -Oh, no! Don't send me

-[Whimpering] -Ohh!

-What was that? -Uh-oh.

Sweetie-pie, this is the most amazing footage I've ever seen.

Felix! O'Hara's tapes are going on the 6:00.

-Van Gundy, call the network. -Yeah?

Brace is going out live with the story of the century!

[Martin] I'm feeling a little carsick!

-Oh! -Sorry.

[Martin Grunting]

I can't take it any more. I can't take it any more!

-We're running out of time. Try and pull yourself together.

Without my blasted electron accelerator, the I.S.S. will blow!

I feel like a hacksaw murderer.

What the heck is an electron accelerator anyway?

It's a simple low-amperage power source that activates the main thrusters.

-Oh. Kind of like an alternator? -What's an alternator?

-It, uh, turns over the engine in a car. -[Gasps] A car?

That's it! That should work! We're saved!

-Not quite. -Yes, we are.

-Whoo-hoo! Ha, ha, ha. -Listen, I've been--

I've been videotaping you. I've got everything. I got the ship.

I got Zoot. I even got you in your Martian form.

I was putting together a story, and I was gonna get it on the air, -but I couldn't do it. -Why not?

Because I like you, Martin.

I like you. I--

And I'm sorry. I-I just-- I'm sorry.

I I-- I apologize. I shouldn't have lied to you.

-You're a good human, Tim O'Hara. -Oh, oh, yeah. I'm a terrific--

Martin! You're back!

And I like you too.

-Oh-ho! -I've never had feelings before!

-Oh. -[Chuckles]

Now, let's go fix my ship.

Yeah, okay-- No! No, we got a problem-- the tapes.

-Brace goes on with the Martian story in five minutes.

Yeah, and I got to get these tapes and get to Brace before she gets on the air.

But there's not enough time. You can't be in two places at once.

Yeah. Wait a minute! Come on!

Is there an alien amongst us?

Is there an alien amongst us?

-Is there an alien among-- -[Knocking]

Billy, now what?

I want to be Brace Channing.

Yeah, well, get in line. I'm sorry.

I really don't have time to do any auto--

-[Gasps] -Quaint, aren't they?

These days, most of our young are born cable-ready.

You're the-- [Gasps]

[Gasps] Daddy! [Screams]

[Director] Heads up. Four minutes to air.

First positions, everyone.

Tim! What are you doing here? You look, uh, tired.

Oh, yeah. I was up all night with Brace working on the alien story.

I made a couple of mistakes in tape number two, Now if I could just get through this without having to look in a mirror.

-Hmm. -[Director]

[Grunts]

Tim!

-Martin, is that you? -Does a wild bear blotz in the woods?

Good, good. Okay. Just-- Just read the copy as written. Go.

-Hi, Brace. -[Chuckling Nervously]

-Congratulations, Brace. -Yes, I'm Brace Channing.

[Man] Let's hear it for Brace!

[Whistling, Applauding]

-Dr Coleye, you're going to become a very famous man.

-[Announcer] KGSC. -Ready camera one live.

-The news for southern California... -[Grunting] with anchor Howard Greenly and on special assignment, Brace Channing.

-What the hell is she wearing? -You know Brace.

-Yeah. Must be trendy. -[Director] Fifteen seconds, people.

[Mr. Channing] Sweetie-pie, get rid of the gum.

-Billy! -Come on, Brace!

-Get the gum, Billy! -[Man] Brace, ten seconds.

Ready? Camera two live in five--

-Give me the gum, Brace! -No! No! No!

-Four-- -No!

-Three-- -Get the damn gum!

-[Roars] -[Announcer]

This report is being broadcast live.

-The gum is out. -Oh, good. Thanks to you, Felix.

[Announcer] And now, Howard Greenly...

-And cue Howard. -and Brace Channing!

-Good evening. I'm Howard Greenly. -[Groaning]

-What's up with her? -I don't know.

...a story developing throughout the day right here in southern California.

Our own Brace Channing has been following the events as they take place.

-Brace? -[Groans]

-What is she doing? -Howard--

-Camera two go. -No!

[Greenly] Brace?

-Brace! -Just read the copy!

[Groans] Just get the nurplex.

What's going on here?

Is there an alien amongst us?

-Oh. It's all right. -According to Dr Elliot Coleye, chief biologist and head researcher for the SETI group, the answer is--

-[Gasping] -Yes.

-She's an alien! -She's not an alien. She's my daughter!

[Voice Tonality Wavering] What you're about to see is that evidence...

[Squawks] of the actual footage of the alien.

But I warn you-- it's appearance is unlike...

[Gasps] anything you are likely to have seen before.

She's going under the table. She's going under the table!

-[Continues, Voice Wavering] -And go.

-Feelin' hot, hot, hot -What the hell is this?

-Somebody mislabeled the tapes! -Come on. Got it!

-I don't know. Let's go back live. -Tim!

What is O'Hara doing with my daughter?

-I-I-I don't know. I-- -Get me out of here!

-[Chattering] -[Muffled Screaming]

-[Shouting] -Get me the network!

-You're a dead man, O'Hara! -Come on!

I think that went pretty well, don't you?

-[Muffled Shouting] -[Martin] All right. Calm down.

Search everywhere!

Boy, her head was dark and empty.

-There they are! There they are! -[Muffled Shouting]

Wait!

I think Miss Channing might have been contaminated by the alien.

-Hmm? -I'm just going to give her

[Muffled Shout] No!

I'll just be a moment.

Ah. There we go.

Let's see. Am I forgetting something?

Oh. [Humming]

There it is.

[Humming Resumes]

-Mrs. Brown! Down here! -[Martin] Lady, please.

-[Both Shouting] -Oh, this is darling.

-I'm gonna hurl! -[Shouting]

This will make some child very happy... if he's got a buck or two.

-Hey, Mrs. B. How are you? -Hello, fellows.

Zoot! Blotz!

My ship! Where's my ship?

-We only have two hours before it explodes!

Hurry! Zoot!

Zoot? Where are you?

Blotz! You're not Zoot. Where could he be?

I'm not leaving this planet without Zoot. Tim!

Not upstairs.

-What's a "rummaggie" sale? -"Rummaggie" sale?

-- Rummaggie-- Rummage. Mrs. Brown.

-[Tires Squealing] -[Siren Wailing]

-Looks like we got company. -Blotz!

It's them! After them!

-[Sirens Wailing] -Hang on.

-Ooh. -I repeat, Gilford and Third.

Give me that thing. I want a roadblock!

-We're never gonna lose 'em! -Can't you drive any faster,

-Uh-oh, we're in trouble. -[Martin] Maximum thrust!

-What? -Stand on it, Stan!

-We're gonna crash! -[Triggers Cocking]

-I think not! -[Device Beeps]

[Tires Squealing]

-[Tires Squealing] -Aah!

-Oh! -Shoot it! Come on!

-They're shooting at us! -Duck in that garage.

-What garage? -There!

[Both Screaming]

Oh. Tim, why are we stopping?

-[Car Ignition Grinding] -They're right there.

God!

-Get me that thing over there! We're gonna flush 'em out!

-I dropped it! -What? Dropped what?

-My molecular compressor! -Here.

Use this.

-This won't work! -No, use it to find it.

That'll do very nicely. Now, get it in there!

Uh! Uh! Nuts!

Ahh! I found it!

[Coleye] We've got you now!

-Tim! -I see it!

-[Martin Groans] -[Tim] Sorry.

[Shouting]

-Faster. Faster. -It's getting closer!

-I'm going as fast as I can! -That's not fast enough!

[Screaming]

Martin! Martin, up ahead! We're trapped! Quick, make us smaller.

We're not gonna make it!

Hang on!

-Are we clear? -[Martin] Whoa-ho, I think we did it!

-I see light ahead! -Oh. Whoa, whoa-ooh!

[Both Screaming]

-Where the heck are we? -[Man] Hey, Elma, [Woman] It's in the bathroom, right where you left it.

Oh, yeah. I see it now.

By the way, where's my tuna sandwich?

-You want it in there? -Ha-ha. Ohh!

Why'd I eat that fourth burrito? [Grunting]

-Uh-oh. -[Grunting Continues]

[Flatulent Sounds]

-Do it. Do it now. -[Device Beeping]

Uh! Uh, uh, uh-- [Screaming]

-Sorry, buddy. -I'll get you, you son of a b--

-No! -Sir, the police just had a crank call.

-A '62 Plymouth just came out of a toilet on Woodlawn.

[Martin] Stop! Pull over! Pull over!

We need to talk! Pull over!

[Brakes Squealing]

-Pull over there. -Where? Oh.

-Get the alternator. I'll get the ship! -Okay.

Oh, my goodness! Martin! What's wrong?

Forgive me, Lorelei, but this is urgent.

-You have something I need desperately. -Oh, wow.

-Martin, don't say that unless you mean it.

-I'm from another world. -Oh, well, I could have told you that.

-[Grunts] -Oh! Mmm!

Mar-- Martin?

Martin, come on!

When you look at the stars, think of me.

-Oh. [Giggles] -[Barks]

[Gasps] Oh! Whew!

Feelings for an Earth woman-- I've gotta get off this planet.

I've got it!

I don't have the right tools, so I'm having trouble getting--

Oh! Or we could do it your way.

But wait! This means your vehicle will cease to function.

I know how much it means to you.

Well, that's too bad. Just had the darn thing washed too.

That's good! That's--

Martin? Martin?

-[Coleye] Direct hit! -Uncle Martin?

[Tim] Hey! Hey, what--

Hey, you don't know what you're doing! Hey, hey!

Don't mess with that spaceship! It's gonna explode!

-Narrow the beam. -Intensify.

[Lizzie Groaning]

I'm not flame-retardant!

We're in here! Stop it!

-[Sobbing] -We're gonna die.

-Die? And I'm still virgin wool! -It's okay.

I'm scared! Hold me! [Sobbing]

Oh, this is nice.

[Beeping]

[Coleye] Easy does it.

Great.

-Wow. Fascinating. -[Woman] Doctor.

It appears to be some sort of... biomechanical transmitting device.

Doctor, there's some chewing gum wedged back in his molar.

Leave it! Pestering me with Juicy Fruit!

This guy's got a radio station inside of his skull! Here.

We'll put this under the electron microscope later. Whoa-ho!

Excellent. Armitan's gonna be eating his words!

Perfect ending to an already perfect day.

-He's a little pale. -I think he's having a negative Well, two CCs of adrenaline, stat!

-Doctor, I think we're losing him. -[Yelling, Pounding]

-Nothing. -[Man] Shut it down.

-Get ready to try it again. This time, full power.

-He's pointing to the thing. -Pick it up. Pick--

Pick it-- Yeah. No. No, no, no.

No, that one. That one.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

This. Do this.

-[Beeping] -Yes!

[Shouting]

Whoa-oh-oh!

No. No, no. Oh.

-Tim! -Oh!

All right, back off, Gomer. Hey.

Give me that, dipstick!

You get Tim. I'll scare the locals.

[Shouts]

-Let's get out of here! -Call security!

-[All Shouting] -Nobody will take on the suit!

My zipper is stuck, and I'm mad as hell!

-Lizzie, what-- -Tim! Oh, are you okay?

-Fine, fine. Are you okay? -Oh, you wouldn't believe--

-Yeah. -[Beeping]

-We got to find Martin. -Yeah.

Back off! You heard me.

You don't understand. That spaceship's gonna explode in 20 minutes.

-It is? -On the floor. Now.

Excuse me. Arnold, Jean-Claude?

[Shouts] Not working. Oh.

-It's an empty suit. -Empty suit?

Now you've done it, Grasshopper. Whoo-aah!

Boxing? [Chuckles]

-You should be boxing groceries. -[Grunts]

[Laughs] That tickles, ya big ox!

Say, aren't you one of the Spice Girls?

-[Growling] -Alley-oop!

[Crashes]

Beavis down, Butt-head to go.

So, is it true you peed your bunk in summer camp? Ouch!

-[Screams] -[Gasping]

Oh, Gee-- Tim! Lizzie!

-[Zoot Muttering] -[Grunts]

-[Grunting] -Ooh!

[Groaning]

-[Growls] -[Screams]

-[Growling] -[Groaning]

[Groaning Continues]

-Uh-oh. -[Grunts]

-This is gonna hurt. -Ooh!

-Ow! -[Lizzie Gasps]

-[Blows Landing, Both Grunting] -Lizzie!

The ship's going to explode!

Veenox Seven. Chew this.

-[Punching Continues] -[Tim] You gotta believe it!

Whoa-oh-oh-oh!

-[Growls] -[Screaming]

-[Snarls, Roars] -[Screams]

[Belches] Uh-oh.

Did you do something with your hair?

Glad you noticed. [Roars]

[Mutters] Whoop!

[Sighs]

-I think I liked you better the other way.

-[In Raspy Voice] Well, that can be arranged.

-Where's Zoot? -[Moaning]

Oh, no.

Come on! Come on!

Doctor, he's gone.

He's not gone till I say he's gone, so back off!

-Back off! Now! -[Nurse] Charge the paddle.

-[Man] All right, we're charged. -[Coleye] Clear! Clear!

All right. Clear!

-Come on, Martin. -[Electricity Buzzing]

-Oh, damn! -There's no pulse, Doctor.

All right, all right. I'm calling it. 8:15.

-We're too late. -[Zoot] No, hurry!

-[Man] Would you like me to do the autopsy, Doctor?

-You get out of here! Get out! -All right. All right.

All of you idiots, you get out. You get out.

-I'm goin'! -You get right out. Clowns!

Come on.

Okay, my sorry little Martian.

Have it your way.

Let's open you up.

-[Lizzie] Assistance, Doctor? -What? No! You--

Hey, wait a minute. You're not--

-She came with me. -Oh.

[Electricity Zapping]

[Moans]

[Zoot's Voice] Must... be together.

Zoot!

-[Gasps] -Martin?

-Martin! -[Groans] Tim! Lizzie!

-You're-- You're-- -[Zoot] Breathin', baby!

Oh, you beauteous bathrobe! [Laughs]

-Martin-- -Let's see cotton do that, huh? Easy.

-I got an image! -[Martin] Okay, okay.

Martin! Martin!

-We don't have much time. -Blotz!

-[Man, Over Loudspeaker] Shut down and monitor all exits.

[Men Chattering, Indistinct]

[Woman, Over Loudspeaker] All units stand by for total lockup.

-Martin, can you get the lock? -I think so.

-[Electricity Humming] -Come on!

-[Man, Over Loudspeaker] Biotech units on alert.

[Woman, Over Loudspeaker] All non-security personnel...

-are to report to their holding areas. -Come on. Stay down!

-Stay down. -Here's a place!

All right. Stand back, you two.

[Device Beeping]

-[Siren Wailing] -What's going on? Where's the alien?

-There's been a slight problem. -Open that gate. Let's find Dr Coleye.

-Yes, sir, yes, sir. Right away. -Come on!

Let 'em through!

Here.

There. [Grunts] Contact.

There. I think that's going to work.

I'm gonna miss you, Martin.

-[Zoot Giggles] -You too, Zoot.

Hey, let 'em know how you feel! [Chuckles]

You're the best pet I ever had!

Stop being such a baby blanket!

[Mutters]

Lizzie, my dear friend.

Take care, Uncle Martin.

I've done that before. It's very nice. I highly recommend it.

Good luck, you two.

Something tells me you're gonna miss your flight!

-Then in two minutes, we all die. -You're lying.

Are you certain about that, Coleye?

-Because I'm not. -What are you saying?

-Release him. -Release him?

I have spent an entire career trying to prove that aliens exist.

Now he's my proof!

Dead or alive, he's staying with me!

Oh. Ohh! Ohh!

Whoa! Aah!

-Martin? -I don't understand! I-- I--

Coleye, you always were a little blotz.

-[Coleye] What? -Neenurt!

Ha ha ha! I haven't heard that name in a long time.

-Pronounced properly, anyway. -You mean it was you all along?

I can't believe this! I should have known! You're a Martian?

I was-- Uhh! Aah!

[Screaming]

Waaah! [Grunting]

-[Chuckling] -Wait. You're the one I saw at the pier.

I was trying to get to you before they did.

I've been trying to hitch a ride home for 30 years!

What a beauty! Oh, by the way, I believe these belong to you.

[Gasps] My antennae.

I can't go home without these. I have a hard enough time getting dates as it is.

Mine's always giving me trouble too. And everything's in black and white.

-[Groaning] -And those commercials--

That gum lost its flavor in '66.

All right. Let's go. Let's go. Come on.

-Got to go. Farewell. -Come back for a visit sometime.

Maybe.

I'm beginning to see a glimmer of potential among you Earthlings.

One word of advice: You'll never completely advance as a culture... until you take care of your oceans and do away with daytime talk shows.

Goodbye, you crazy lovebirds!

Ah, stop being such a hysterical housecoat.

-See ya, Zoot. -Rollin', rollin', rollin'

[Growling] Aliens!

Wait! No!

Please! No! You can't!

Don't go! Come back!

No-o-o!

[Growls]

Aah!

What the-- Eeew!

Gum. Gum!

Wait, this is the alien gum! Yes!

Wait, wait. I wouldn't do that if I were you.

Well, you're not me, are ya? [Laughs]

I can learn more about them... from their leftover--

Wha-- That's brilliant!

I can feel every molecule of my body... starting to change!

[Laughing]

Aah!

Oh, no.

Hold it! Don't move!

-No! -Stop! Don't shoot!

No, not that, you idiots!

-I'm not a Martian. -We got him, boys.

We've got one-- a real live Martian!

It's me. Coleye. No! No!

Aah!

[Man] The truth is out there!

We are not leaving until they listen to us! We've got proof!

I saw one! He cloned my body!

He could be anywhere by now!

The truth is out there!

The truth is out there!

So that's the story here from Santa Barbara City Hall.

-I'm Bill Randall, KGSC. -[Crowd Chanting] the truth, the truth, the truth!

It's all I--

-Hey, sleepy. Brought you some tea. -[Chuckles]

Listen, I've been thinking. Now that I really know what happened between us, I think maybe we should just go back to the way things used to be.

Mmm.

Our friendship really does mean a lot to me.

Yeah, well, I've been thinking too, and, uh, I think I've got enough friends.

[Whooshing Sound]

[Rattling]

-[Hissing] -One giant leap for man, -Zoot? -Hey, Tim, Lizzie! We're back!

-[Chuckles] -Zoot-- [Grunts]

Oh! Geez! Call a skycap, for cryin' out loud.

-What's wrong? -Nothing.

We've decided to stay here with you.

-Y-You what? -I kept thinking how lonely And since you said you were gonna miss me, I thought I'd save us both the heartache of separation.

Ya-hah! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

B-B-B-But, Martin, I can't miss you if you don't go!

Exactly! Isn't it wonderful?

Farewell, Neenurt!

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Where's he going?

To Mars, of course!

[Whooshing]

-Whoo! [Chuckling] -Wh--

Martin. Martin. What are you doing?

Tim, since we'll be living together, let's do something about this furniture.

-Living together? What do you mean-- -I say we get rid of this couch, and buy a hyperbolic resting chamber like normal beings have.

-No! No! You're not staying here. -Hey, who wants ice cream?

-[Chuckles] -Tonight I'm craving praline swirl.

-Martin-- You think this is funny? -[Chuckling]

You haven't seen him eat ice cream. It's not pretty!

Rocky road! Rocky road! Rocky road! [Shouts]

-Martin, you can't-- He doesn't sleep. -[Shouting Continues]

He doesn't let me sleep. This can't happen.

I can't have a Martian for a roommate.

I can't. I just--

-Oh, maybe I can. -[Chuckles]

Zoot! We've got cookie dough. Want some?

Zoot. Zoot, where are you?

Bartender, a Mai "Tide", please.

Ah, Victoria's Secret.

You people know how to live!

[Chuckles] Lycra.