My First Mister (2001) Script

* she's a disconnected *

* child *

"red rain.

"death touched her lips as she kissed her lover good-bye.

"she tried not to touch his skin, knowing the coldness would chill her.

"as it was, "she still hadn't cried, "nor had she decided who was in the better position. the end."

I wrote that.

I'm a fucking poet. and when I'm not writing poems, I'm writing eulogies. mine.

* she's my weekend lover *

* don't get left behind *

* she'll feel bad tomorrow *

* that's another time *

* let's do this together *

* I'm sure that it's fine *

* we'll feel bad tomorrow *

* that's another time *

* she's a disconnected *

* child *

* disconnected * oh, yeah ? oh, yeah ? yeah ! yeah ! oh, yeah ? oh, yeah ? yeah ! yeah ! my mother, a Shirley Partridge wannabe, would like for me to go to dental school.

I just can't imagine spending every day dealing with other people's spit. somehow, I just don't think I'm the type.

* she's been on my mind **

I think it's just horrible, the amount of confusion and angst that we teenage girls have to endure regarding our apparel.

I mean, it takes a lot of time to mix and match.

I think every girl should be provided-- so, I'm sitting in creative writing class surrounded by alien creatures with pretentious names like Ashley and Cody. hi.

I'm not really into people. anyway, I think that if everyone just drove the same car, that it would put an end to, like, envy and jealousy and carjackings. all right, Ash.

thank you. okay, uh, Ashley. thank you. let's see who's next. uh...

Jennifer Wilson.

my parents named me Jennifer Anne Wilson. my middle name is because someone is dead.

I don't really have a passion for the name Jennifer, so I refer to myself as J.

I don't think of myself as a teenage girl or a woman.

I'm just the opposite of a boy.

J ? your bio was cool. it moved me. you look like you should be one of those new cool VJs they just get off the street on mtv. you totally rock. you know, if I brought you home, my mom might hemorrhage.

um, do-do you wanna maybe go have sushI ?

I'm a lesbian.

I'm okay with that. once, when I was 14, I thought I was a lesbian. the question of my generation: to dive... or not to dive. but this one day my mom took me to her gym, and she stuck me in the steam room with a bunch of women posing as elephants.

cured me of doubt. now I masturbate to a picture of Freddie Prinze Jr., and I'm quite certain of my sexual preference.

I'm cooking a brisket for dinner tonight. a woman needs to eat blood every now and again. she just really does.

* Billie who is ready * oh, no, it's my musical.

* when I have a brand-new hairdo *

* with my eyelashes all in curls *

I think my mother was deeply affected by the divorce.

* I enjoy being a girl *

* when men say I'm cute and funny *

* and my teeth aren't teeth but pearls *

* I just lap it up *

* like honey *

* I enjoy being a girl * stop that.

dad, the sperm that bore me, cheated on mom. blah, blah, blah. mom remarried. I think his name is Bob.

* who enjoys *

* being a guy *

* having a girl *

* like me ** hi, Jennifer. surprise ! surprise, Jen ! cosmopolitan. tomorrow's our big day. brisket in half an hour.

Jen, it's best when it's hot.

yeah, I had an attitude. I had an attitude.

* we're the attitude now *

* we're the attitude now *

* we're the attitude now * yeah, I had an attitude.

* you brought it all on yourself *

baby ?

baby ! brisket's ready ! time to celebrate your graduation, honey.

Jennifer ? brisket's all ready. vintage tv rocks. what I wouldn't give to live with the Partridge family.

Jennifer ? I think Shirley would really get me.

I like chocolate. it's dark and warm, come here, baby. like what I imagine a hug would be like. doesn't sound very friendly to me. you wanna look like a dope, go ahead. oh, yeah ? oh, yeah ? oh, yeah ? yeah ! yeah ! yeah !

I'll meet you at the table. she's coming. it takes her a while, that's all. it takes her a while.

employment sucks, but I just need enough cash to get my own place. help.

I need help, someone. hello. hello ! hello ! oh, thank God !

I got these pants-- caught on my earring. ow, ow. bad pain. bad pain. all right. do you have one ? no, not there. you should get one. it makes sex amazing. aah ! do you have one here ? no, not there either. you don't know what you're missing. yep. well, I'm not the one... with a pair of dead man's pants hanging from my labia.

"it makes sex amazing." ow ! maybe I should get some more piercings.

I'm not busy. what is sex anyway ? if memory serves, technically, I'm still a virgin. there was this one day in third grade when Matthew Kingsley came over and we played doctor. he confused my vagina with my anus and took my temperature with a fire engine red crayon. from then on, whenever I'd hear a siren, I'd giggle.

I never had a boyfriend.

I don't know what I'd do with one if I did. guys like Calvin Klein G-string ad girls.

I wear boxers.

I once had an orgasm, though. with myself.

I think.

I'm gonna go to hell anyway.

J ! yo, J ! eulogy number 432.

"she was loved by no one.

"she chose indifference as her state of mind.

"she leaves behind not even a memory, because she never existed."

that was a cheery one.

hiya, Rudy.

Mabel. hey, Dorothy.


* if I was beautiful like you * good news and bad news. good news: I didn't get caught for stealing. bad news: I got fired for farting. so I decided to go where the real money is-- the Century city mall.

* if I was beautiful like you *

* I would never be at fault *

* I'd walk in the rain between the raindrops *

* bringing traffic to a halt *

* but that will never be *

* that will never, never be *

* 'cause I'm not beautiful like you *

* I'm beautiful like me *

* I'm beautiful like me **



uh, need a hand ? thank you. thanks very much. uh--

I was wondering. you-- there's a sign in the window. you need some help in your store ?

fuck you. asshole with a beer belly. what did you say ? you think this is a beer belly ? yeah. this is not a beer belly. oh, no ? no. wanna see a beer belly ? that's a beer belly. thank you, mister. I feel just truly enlightened, you know. and let me just profusely apologize for my little, crude, naive observation. all right, great. now, scram. go. shoo. go get pierced... or whatever you do. get out. why don't you get your eyeballs pierced ?

what are you doing ?

reviewing my options.

you've got options ?

what is it you can do ? anything. okay. why don't you go home now, take the silverware out of your face. come back in, say, a week, look like a person, and we'll talk. but you really do have to go now because... you're scaring the customers.


* my love is a monster *

Jennifer !

* my love is a monster ** honey, we're having leftovers. let me guess. brisket. baby, I could cook up something else for you. how about a vegetable souffle ? how would that be ? please come to the table. we could light those kind of candles that you like. inspiration. Jen ? listen, I know that you've been trying really hard to find a job, but I was thinking maybe-- maybe we could talk about college one more time. ode to my face jewelry metal. shiny, sharp. good pain I inflicted myself.

I-- Jennifer, I can relate to what you're going through. honey ? adorning my face where the smile used to be once as a baby, when pain had no definition. now, grown and alone, my jewelry off, naked again, identity gone. Jen ?

I had a dream last night that I had earrings all over my face. and I thought that this looked really cool. and then my maybe-boss made a suggestion. maybe you should pierce your ears. then I tell him-- that is so sick.

I'm keeping this one. fuck him.

I think bruce would just love the way this feels. it's so soft, yet still masculine. well, I don't really know bruce, but if he'd like to come in and feel it for himself, I'm happy to hold it for him. what a dick. she'd do him right here in the daylight. take a look at this. these are 30 percent off. ow !

excuse me a moment.

hello. h-hello. well, you look better. but in this store, we like to stand up. come on. come up. follow me, quickly. so, what does your mother call you ? uh, Jen, Jennifer, Jennikins, lamb of my loins. okay, all right, all right. I'll just call you J. this is Jack, one of our best salesmen. this is J, possibly our new stockroom girl.

J, as in the bird ? yes. Jack, as in the box ? he's actually not bad-looking for an older, overweight, undesirably aged male. he has kind of a big butt for a guy. this is a wall of shirts. everything in this store is color-coded: button-down shirts, red; tab collar, blue; french cut, green. this is very important. the boy who worked here last, he didn't understand. and the reason we do this is that everything arrives in these boxes.

a lot of times, what the boxes say is not what's in the box. you see the tab, you know where it goes and you're done. it's color-coding. it's important. color coding saves time. hello. are you listening to me ? the ins and outs of being an idiot. yeah. yes, i've-i've worked the stockroom before, sir. sir ? uh, my master.

Randall. can I call you R ? sure. all right, if you have any questions, I'll be out front. yes, one question. do-do I get the job ? well, we're trying it out.

what is your cat's name ? black. of course.

he touched my tit.

I ran into Betty Lewis over at the rite aid today. honey-- and I have to tell you, I liked it so much better when it was thrifty's.

I mean, they've rearranged the whole place in the most-- excuse me, honey-- inappropriate mAnner. and actually, I have been thinking of speaking to the management about it. what do you think, Bob ? a-about what ? honey, at the rite aid. please, Bob. the situation. oh. well-- shh ! shh, shh. grandma's here.

please. Bob, please.

Jenny, that's not funny. your grandma's dead. shh. she's allowed to visit. I don't want this.

I do not want this. I don't like it, Bob.

I really don't like it. please-- honey-- what's the matter with you ? you know how sensitive your mother is about your grandmother. why would you do something like that ?

and one last time, the sweaters are four steps, each arm first. by the way, the shirts are nine steps, but we'll get to that after you're comfortable with the sweaters. fold the body in and up, and it's folded. you're beyond anal. well, it's important to be organized. number one on my list. well, number one on my list is: "don't mock me." and number two on my list is:

"remember to stay back here, please."

there's a man who really knows how to live. that is a man set in his ways. please don't make him this semester's science project. and get in the back before he sees you.

can-can I help you with anything ?

is-is there something I can help you with ? uh, no, just looking. that is lovely. that's the finest material in the store.

I'm-I'm not a mugger. I work here. why else would I be in this nice clothing store ? oh, your eyes are that blue. oh, my God. there's this suit here that has this slight blue tinge running through it. it would be totally groovy with your eyes.

"groovy" ? oh, groovy's back. check-check it out, man. what do you think ? it's very nice. so you have the yellow shirt and you have the tie-- oh ! it's nice. it is nice. oh, my God. funky stuff. next time, ask first. yes. yes, sir. listen, if you're not gonna stay in the back, which clearly you're not-- no. it's-it's clean, and it's spick-and-span. there's nothing more I can do, sir. all right ? you may think you know how to do this, but for every suit you sell, you're gonna send 30 customers running out of this store screaming.

if you wanna sell, you have to look the part.

dress me.

the last time I had this much weird fun was with the fire engine red crayon.

I look like a republican. you're no republican. thanks for being so cooperative. thank you very much for the clothes. thank you.

I'll pay you back. I'm not worried about it. good night. good night. thank you.

are you all right ?

are you okay ? yeah. do you need a ride home ? sure. you don't have a car ? it didn't start this morning.

are you thirsty ?

no, not-not really. you bought me clothes. I'll buy you a cup of coffee. it's all right. come on. we can talk about my big promotion, boss man. actually, it's almost 9:00.

9:00. so ? well, I'm usually home by 9:00. what happens at 9:00 ?

I turn into the same person I am.

go ahead. excuse me.

this is your hang, huh ? yeah.

I never would've guessed.

you should get a spider coffee with whipped cream. it's really good. hey, J, what's up ? what'll it be ? hey. can we get two number sevens, please ? actually, you know what ?

I just want a sanka. "sanka" ? anything decaffeinated. okay.

aren't you looking backwards ? life looks better that way. so are your parents divorced ? very fuckin' divorced. any brothers or sisters ? no. just my cat. you have a copy of the bell jar by your bed ? yeah.

earlier tonight, when I was taking the trash out in the back, I lifted the lid of the dumpster and I get hit in the head with this paper airplane.

I read it. I'm sorry. I didn't know it wasn't meant for me. is this a suicide note ? yeah. don't worry, boss man. it's not for now. the sopranos are on hiatus. I want to see if they all kill each other. well, that's good to know. otherwise, I would keep you on at the store on a temporary basis. that's funny.

I mean, you should do that more often. do what more often ? joke around ? mm-hmm. I don't think so. people might get the wrong idea. what, that you're happy ? what's that anyway ? I'm not the one to ask. you know what I think ?

I think happy is fucking overrated.

I mean, my mom-- my mom's always happy. she's got this stupid smile on her face and she's singing, and it's just disgusting. so apparently, you don't think your mother is really happy. would you be, having me as your only child ? that's a good point. i-I have to tell you, I don't think this is the least bit attractive. yeah, and I really think that this is gonna get you on the cover of GQ.

all right. you thinking of fucking me ?

is there a bathroom in this place, or do you just go right on the floor ? yeah, right there.

I can't believe I just asked my boss that. he could be my dad.

I don't want another dad. I don't even like the one I have now.

I want a lover. oh, I like that word. lover. lover. my lover's in the bathroom getting coffee out of his nose. yeah, whatever.

* shakin' that ass *

* shakin' that ass *

* shakin' that ass * my lover. * I see you, baby shakin' that ass *

* shakin' that ass shakin' that ass *

* all right, don't touch me *

* I see you, baby shakin' that ass *

* shakin' that ass shakin' that ass *

* I see you, baby shakin' that ass *

* shakin' that ass **

I'm fine. I'm fine. so, you're ready to be a salesperson ? yeah. sure. fun.

mmm. all right, I'm getting tired, so, uh--

I'm gonna run. you mind if I take you home now ? no, I'll-I'll hang.

I can walk home from here. okay.

I'm sorry about your nose. don't worry about it. tomorrow, we sell. great. and I won't fuck up. do you know the "boy who cried wolf" story ?

I don't know. there was this little boy, and all day long he cried, "wolf !"

"wolf is coming ! wolf !" but there really wasn't a wolf coming. then one day the wolf came, and nobody believed him. it just had no meaning.

I would reconsider the use of the "fuck" word. good night. I'll see you tomorrow. good night.

did your dad leave ?

my lover.

Jennifer !

Jenny !

Jenny ! you know, they have a noise ordinance in century city ! honey, you're doing windows. sweetie, you didn't tell me you were doing windows. and you're wearing a dress ! I'm so proud.

I'm so proud of you. go home, mom. oh, don't, please. leave me alone. baby, oh, my goodness. you look so beautiful. go home. I came to take you to lunch. what do you say ? oh, Bob and I ate at the most terrific-- you know what ? if you leave right now, I'll have dinner with you. can you ? I'm on my break now. pardon me, pardon me. how do you do ? you work with Jennifer. she is my daughter. you're the infamous mother.

R, mom. mom, R.

R. and R is my boss, and he really doesn't like me to have distractions. it's so nice of you to hire Jennifer. look, you run over to that new parking structure restaurant, I'll meet you there. listen, she's a wonderful girl. very, very brave. did you know that ?

I value her more than I can tell you. excuse me, Randall ? hi. can you come out for a second ? hi. how are you ? no, I'm coming out. listen, don't be a stranger here. come by more often. thank you so much. it's so nice to meet you. nice to meet you. hi. did you hear that, honey ? what a surprise. how are you ? he's just such a... lovely gentleman. he reminds me of somebody. who is it I'm thinking of ? honey, who is it ? you know him too. I'm not gonna eat your lunch. no, I mean-- you don't want a carrot ?

Jen, maybe we should just have dinner.

I have to get back to work. honey, would you please promise me that you're gonna come to dinner ? because-- because then we could celebrate. promise ? I promise.

I just wanna say one more time. you look so beautiful in that dress.

you're okay ? I'm good. you look great. you think so ? yeah, I do. thanks. you know, I'm being rude. let me offer you something.

I don't have a lot, but I can--

* I know you wanna do it *

* you know I wanna do it too *

* out here on the dance floor * oh, my God !

* we can make sandwiches *

* you can be the bun * what is that ?

* and I can be the burger, girl *

* I know you wanna do it ** oh, my God. i've gotta go back to work. uh, thank you. I had a nice-- you are a shitty window dresser. who told you you could do the windows anyway ? ooh, you said "shitty."

I am not in the mood for this side of you. fine.

I thought we were somewhat in synch here.

I thought we had some kind of communication. i-i-I extend my friendship, and you just step on it !

I trusted you. I really just-- I did, and I don't now. see ?

I'll tell you something. this is bad. whatever this is, I can't do it.

you can trust me. I don't trust you ! well, can I show you something ? just go fix the goddamn window. you know what ? why don't you just take the rest of the day off and-and go hang with your friends. you do have friends, don't you ?

no, not really. well, who do you talk to ? like, a therapist ? no, not like a therapist. like, anyone. you certainly don't talk to your mother. would you ? well, what about a boyfriend ? no. is that silicone lips your girlfriend ? no ! and I'm asking the questions now, thank you. you know, I'm really curious about this. who do you talk to ? who are your friends ? you. me ?

I'm 49 years old.

I'm 17. nice to meet you. and who are your friends ?

I don't wanna get into this now. who ? don't worry your head over this. I got lots of people, plenty of people. no. you have magazines, not people. piles and piles of magazines, and you read all the time, right ? it's the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning alone in your house, and it's the last thing you do when you go to bed at night. you communicate with articles, not humans.

so can I show you something, please ? what ?

who did that ?

me. why ?

lack of alternatives.

if you hate living at home that much, just get your own apartment. well, I'm kind of broke. yeah, but now you have a really good job. i've had it for, like, a minute. well... you might have the kind of boss who would consider giving you an advance. given my special talent for window dressing ? no. because he might be leaning towards the trust situation.

yeah, all right.

if we're gonna try this friendship thing, you need to make me a promise. do I get one in return ? yeah, that's fair.

I want you to promise me you're never gonna hurt yourself like that again.

I'll try. what's yours ? uh, I reserve the right to redeem mine at a later date. okay.

watch it, asshole. all righty.

* somewhere * come on.

I love this song. * beyond the sea *

* somewhere waiting for me * give it a chance. whoo ! mom flash. disgusting. this is classic stuff. it grows on you. yeah. good music. my turn. my music. this is supposed to be an experience where we share.

I'm sharing my taste with you, and you're torturing me with yours.

I think I'm the one being tortured here. what do they call your music, "crap to swoon to" ? fine. another one of your favorites. oh.

* don't blame it on the children *

* don't you blame 'em, no *

* blame it on the elder *

* blame the elder *

* don't blame it on the children *

* don't you blame 'em, no *

* blame it on the elder *

* when I was a youth *

it's not for me. oh, right. sure.

* don't blame it on the children *

* don't you blame 'em, no *

* blame it on the elder *

* don't blame it on the children *

* don't you blame 'em, no *

* blame it on the elder ** gettin' down to your funky self, sir ? no, no.

Irie. Irie. her arm was broken.

this is for young people. I didn't know that.

you said 2:00, anal dude. you're never late. well, sometimes I am late. is that all right with you ? what was wrong with that one ? well, it's on the first floor. so ? you can't just shut your eyes and pretend that life won't get you. you gotta take precautions so you can live a long time. what makes you think I wanna live a long time ? that isn't funny. it's not funny. okay, I'm sorry.

oh, I like this one. it's on the top floor. I gotta live on the top floor, so that I can grasp all of life that I can. oh. no. no. no, no, no, no. no, what ?

I'm sorry, but I have my preferences. what kind of preferences ? no tattoos, piercings or potential for loud hip-hop.

I hate hip-hop. yeah, she hates hip-hop. and the tattoos aren't even real. and this phase shall also pass. this is a highly intelligent girl. she's an incredible poet. one day, she's gonna be very famous. and, you know, famous people know other famous people. you're gonna wake up, look out your window one morning, and who's that that's visiting her ? it's-it's-- Regis Philbin. yeah. Regis ? she's gonna know Regis ? and other people too. movie stars. Keanu Reeves-- oh. who's she ? she sometimes guests on regis. she's a good guest.

I'll take it. just like that ? I'm like that. well, don't you have any questions ? yes. will you christen the place with me ? what do you mean by "christen" ? dance with me. oh, I can't do that. why not ? well, there isn't any music, you know. if I'm ever gonna dance, I need my music. if you listen very carefully, you can hear it. what do you mean ? like, if you build it, they will come ? what ? I don't hear anything.

so, is this good for your daughter ? my daughter loves the place.

I can't believe I'm getting my own apartment. it's so grown-up and scary. when are you going to tell your parents ? why don't you tell them ? yeah, right.

"a home is a place where you keep your socks, and socks are for keeping everything warm." that's my grandma.

come on, rasta man. share something with me.

I just did an interpretation of my dead grandmother. speak. I was married once... about 19 years ago. how long were you married ? two years. her name was Sara.

she used to put baby powder in all of her shoes. we had this brown shag carpet in the house. so she'd walk around, and she'd leave these white footprints everywhere. it was like being married to Casper. was she pretty ? she had nice feet. did you love her ?

why do you hate your family ?

I don't hate them. I just--

I'm happy I'm not them, you know ? hate's an emotion. I'm not good with emotions and stuff.

no emotion.

* I think I love you so what am I so afraid of *

* I'm afraid that I'm not sure of

* hey, I think I love you *

* so what am I so afraid of *

* I'm afraid that I'm not sure of *

* a love there is no cure for **

ben, three's the number. you have sixty seconds to do it. let's begin. in the comic strip peanuts, what breed of dog is snoopy ?

Airedale. oh. hmm. beagle. yes. the flag of what north african arab nation is solid green ? libya. yes. U.S. businessman Fred Smith-- damn, this guy knows everything. mmm !

ooh ! you scared me ! look at you... in this beautiful green top. well, you match the jell-o. yeah. there's something I have to talk to you about, mom. want some, sweetie ? no, I don't. mom. there's something I have to talk to you about. okay ? yeah. is that all right ? yeah, sure. honey, I think I know what this is about. honey, you're not used to wearing dresses that reveal your figure, and you have such a beautiful figure. but all you need is a good bra. no, it has nothing to do what that. yes. and did you know that there are women in the stores who fit bras ? mom ! it's just support. mom, I'm going to move into my own apartment, okay ?

really ? that's so nice.

* honey, move in right up close to me *

* that's when I get the chills all over me * hey, dad, what are you doing ? hey, Jen. the Santa Ana winds came in last night and trashed my fries. how you doin', girl ? it's been a while.

"a while."

that's a great song. yeah. very groovy.

I didn't know you liked that kind of music. is there anything you know about me ? yeah.

I know you're workin' in a clothing store.

I know you don't have quite so many holes in your head.

I know you're getting your own apartment.

I know you're not talkin' to your mother.

I know you hate me, and I know I don't blame you for it. impressive. the human has brain cells.

so, uh, did you just, uh, come by here to make me more miserable or what ? oh, poor baby. hey, J, you're my daughter and I love you, but cut the crap.

I'm still your father, and I deserve an iota of respect. why should I respect you ? fuck it. so, how did it go with your parents ? fabulous. sounds like it. is that a sack lunch ? it's for you.

I don't wanna have a sack lunch with my lunch. it's a present for you.

wow. thank you. can you put it on ?

here ?

I see somebody you know ! all right. hold this.

I'll guard you.

can you hold that ? i've got that.

oh, bitchin' ! how does it look ? good ? it kicks ass. thank you.

so, what do you wanna do now ? no. come on ! no ! yes ! just a small one. we'll put it someplace nobody'll notice. listen to me very carefully. I am not getting a fucking tattoo. ooh. you said the really bad word. yeah, I did.

I am, in fact, the boy who cried "fuck."

I want the smallest tattoo that you can make. a dot or a period or something like that. does it come in a flesh tone ? very, very, very small.

oh, Jesus.

hold it. let's go straight to number one.

oh, God. it's a scorpion.

* seven *

* lips *

* six *

* slowly *

* five *

* fingers *

* four *

* play *

* to number one *

that's it. all right, I'm getting out of here right now. why ? what's goin' on ? nothing. this is insane. what's your problem ? I just can't do this. what ? why ? this ! I can't ! can't what ? you can't loosen up ? not with you.

I'm sorry I made you have a good time. you obviously can't handle it. why can't you even tell me what your problem is ? no, I don't care. I give up.

I don't even like you anymore. you're pathetic.

the front door is open. where do you think you live, knots landing ? we can't be friends. I'm sorry. what do you mean, "we can't be friends" ? you just want to shut the entire world out ? guess what. I'm right here.

I'm not leaving, not going anywhere. you have to leave.

I don't have in me what you need. how do you know what I need ? you don't even know me, know anybody. what's wrong with you ?

I'm old. I'm George Burns. who's George Burns ? I'm uncle fester.

I'm Andy of Mayberry, mr. Roper, grandpa Munster. okay, I get it. okay, good, then leave. no. what are you so afraid of ?

I'm afraid of everything. what's "everything" ? I don't know. everything !

I can't fly.

I can't be in a boat or a train, any transportation.

I can't do that. I don't like being in a car.

I don't take elevators. crowded places drive me crazy. but uncrowded places make me crazy.

I'm afraid of prescription drugs. they won't do it in front of you. they're going in the back. there's something wrong with it. they're doing something.

I'm afraid of falling asleep.

I don't even understand the expression. why are you falling ? where are you falling ? it's just so--

I don't know.

I always wished I had a button on my neck I could push and be asleep like a machine, but I can't. so I just lay there, and I hate it.

I hate it. what did I leave out ? oh, yeah, yeah.

I'm not that crazy about waking up.

you know, there's a lot of people that have a fear of clowns. isn't that funny ? see, that doesn't bother me.

I'm afraid of clowns.

why can't you be like other kids-- stand in line at clubs, smoke cigars, dance, experiment with bisexuality ? you know, teenage stuff. come on, we're trying somebody new tonight.

Mildred, I'd like to introduce you to Randall Harris of the Harrises. hi, Mildred. how are you ? that's a silly question. she might be a little shy.

I don't normally bring guests. sure.

why do you do this ? energy. I can feel their energy. a little bit of a thousand souls. come on, it's your turn. no, not just yet. lie down. close your eyes.

I love these slacks.

come on. no, don't do that. no. lie down.

I'm coming down.

close your eyes.

now what ? now you start up a conversation. with whom ? the person you're sitting on.

can you feel it ? can you feel their energy ?

I feel it. you do ? god, I really do feel it.

thanks for letting me crash here. hey, it's late. no problem. welcome. nice house. thank you. so... I'm gonna put on some hot tea.

listen, if you feel that you want to take a shower, just go upstairs.

I have fresh towels. make yourself at home. great. thank you.

okay, so you're somewhere and you see somebody you know. what do you say ?

I know you. no. hello. hey. hey. hey. all right. you're in the store. a customer's just tried on a suit. he looks quite handsome. what do you say ? hey, dude, funky stuff, man. yeah.

I pray to god that's not it.

you know, in spite of what you're doing, you should know that you're very beautiful.

you think I'm beautiful ?

you want to watch a video or something ? how about we have a staring contest ? don't do that with me, 'cause I'll kill you. fine then. let's see what you're made of. ready ? go !

you're blinking. hmm. again. go. go.

you want some more tea ?

oh, no. all right. all right. where are you going ? I'm gonna go for a run. when I get back, we need to talk. we have to have a little talk. okay. don't worry about me. I'm just gonna stay here and go through some drawers. so maybe you should save me some time and tell me where you keep all the good stuff.

I don't have any good stuff. that's sad. oh, is it ? and you do ? yep. uh-huh. where do you keep yours ? in a box under my bed.

I don't have a box under my bed. and you're the good stuff.

I have a blue foot.

so much stuff, so little time to snoop.

oh... don't do it !

I have to.

I just have to. don't do it.

I have to. oh, I have to. okay.

R !

R !

R !

R !

grandma ?


get up ! get up ! hey, help ! somebody, help ! help me, please ! help ! please ! please, help !

J. hi, I'm patty.


did Randall mention any family at all to you ? no. why does he need them ? as you probably know, he's had this for a long time. he's very sick and... the next few days are gonna be critical.

I'm sorry.

so you wouldn't suggest starting... any new magazine subscriptions ?

I'm sorry, Randall.

I don't know what to say exactly, but you've known all along how precarious this type of leukemia is. listen, you'll have some good days, you'll have some bad days. but when it becomes acute like this, our options are limited. can you hand me that bag ? we'll give you antibiotics to treat the infection, pain medication to keep you comfortable. chemotherapy's an option, but it's very risky. there are some experimental programs we're looking into, but those need F.D.A. approval.

hey, there's my beauty. we'll see you in a little bit. call us if you need anything.

hey. hey. you look good. you don't. come here. come over here. come here. you didn't say "Simon says."

Simon says, "come here, please."

so you just knew all along. yeah, I did. well, I'm gonna use the "fuck" word now.

I understand.

how can you do this ? how can you be sick ? you can't be sick, right ? because you would have told me you were sick, wouldn't you ?

I'm sorry.

I should have told you. I didn't tell anybody.

I never even told my wife. it was like I thought if the words didn't come out, then maybe it wouldn't be true. does that make any sense ? so I'll just assume that you're gonna be okay, right ?

Jennifer. you're not gonna be okay, and that really sucks. because for the first time ever in my whole non-perfect excuse of a stupid life, I really, really liked it !

I liked my life. you still have your life. no, I don't.

I don't have my life because I love you so much.

Jennifer-- wait a second. don't leave. where are you going ? if a person's on their deathbed, you have to stay and listen. it's the hospital rule. come back here.


I spoke to your grandmother. oh, bullshit ! no, it's not bullshit. you taught me how to do it, and i've been doing it. oh, yeah ? what'd she say ? she said to stop this ! stop it ! you don't understand. you have all of these people who care about you. you have a family. oh, yeah, great family. oh, so what ? so they're all insane. go lock them up. who cares ? at least they're here.

I wish my parents were still here. I can't even call them up and say, "I hate you." you don't know how lucky you are. well, I don't feel so lucky. you won't let yourself. you think this is why your grandmother is trying to talk to you ? don't you think she's got better stuff to do all day than to get through to nobody ?

you're not alone.

who is this talking, you or grandma ?

I don't know. we're both talking. if it makes you feel better, it's mostly her. come here. no. come here. sit down. would you just once... do something I ask you the first time, please ?

now you close your eyes, and you listen.

come on. close your eyes.


I don't hear anything. shh.

I care about you... more than anyone else in the world.

what's that ? morphine. groovy. oh, cool.

"dear rand, I can't live with you in this house.

"it's like I'm living alone.

"you won't talk to me, you won't touch me. I don't know what's going on. but I can't live like this anymore."

information. city and listing, please.


Sara Harris, 10122 Paso Robles.

I'm sorry. that's an unlisted number. shit.

you have a cousin Louise ?

I'm only gonna be gone for two days. okay ? two days ? yeah, it'll go by really fast.

I'll call you when I'm on the road, when I get there at the wedding. these are chocolates for you. okay. thank you. okay. well, have a good time. hurry back. okay, I will.

I will hurry back so fast. be careful.

I'll call you, okay ? put your seat belt on.

* blue around the morning dew *

* the color of your eyes *

* I remember holding you *

* a fall through summer skies *

* you're everything that i've become * okay. * every word I say * all right, so I'll see you later.

is there something else I can get for you, Randall ?

I wouldn't mind a little company. okay.

* up ahead a blackbird sings *

* maybe he'll come to mind *

* every night I see your face *

* when I have to pray *

* I need a bell, a book and candle *

* to keep your golden stay ** what was I gonna say ?

I was gonna say, "excuse me, mrs. Harris, I know we've never met, "and you haven't seen your husband in 19 years, but I really think you should know that--" oh, that's not good. shit. hi. hi. what do you want ? who are you ? excuse me ? who are you ? does Sara Harris live here ?

I'll tell you what. you want any information, you can tell me who you are. how's that ? uh, my name's J. I'm a friend of her husband's. that's interesting information. you want to come in for a coke ? do you have a telephone or-- and some chocolate ? how about a lollipop ? so, my name is Randy.

Sara was my mother.

"was" ? yeah. she was in a car accident about six months ago. shit.

I'm-I'm sorry. that's awful. thanks, twilight zone. now what husband are you talking about ? she was married before. didn't she tell you ? yeah, I know. my father died before I was born. did she say anything about him ? no. she gave me a picture once. can I see it ? sure.

you find out you have a dad, you're not even curious to meet him ? not really. well, he's dying. yeah, I know. you let me know that. and you know what ? that makes the blessed event even more enticing. you're basically asking me to go meet a man who will be dead soon, right ?

"hi, dad. I'm here just in time to bury you." what kind of friend are you anyway ? I love him. what kind of love ? he's been my best friend. did you fuck him ?


look, I'm a bitter asshole, okay ?

I have been most of my life. I usually keep it to myself. i've lost my mother, and now I find out I have a father who's alive, but he's dying. lot of stuff. I'm not sure I have the right outfit to wear for my debut on Oprah. well, I'm sure I can find you something. where did you come from ? h-how did this happen ?

I don't know if you're a good thing or the fucking plague. does this mean you're coming with me to meet him or what ? yeah. you know what ? I will go with you. but I'm not talking to him. or you. fine. good !

* a wave hello *

* a wave good-bye *

* the way we live *

* the way we die * you've been my nurse for such a long time, but I don't know anything about you.

I'm a dick. you're not a dick. believe me, I'm very familiar with dicks. you are just a man who hasn't let anyone in his life, because he knew he was sick. thank you. you know, you've, um... never asked me to leave, but you never really asked me to-- shall we say, invited me to stay either. would you stay ? would you ask me ?

* life's a beach *

* life's a beach * want to come up for lunch ?

fine. I'll eat, but I'm not talking. no, we never did it. he's the greatest person i've ever met in my whole stupid life.

* a wave hello ** turkey and swiss okay ? um... how about 20 questions ?

I may not have that much time. how about four questions ? okay. all right. four. number one:

do you love her ? yes. is it romantic love or is it infatuation with youth and spirit kind of love ? that's three questions. come on, I'm serious. what is it ?

I don't know. it's like a family love. thanks.

how's he doing ? no change. if he doesn't improve, they'll just send him home.

what are you doing ? I gotta sleep. no, no. can you just get back on the road right now ? come on. listen, if I continue to drive, then a big truck full of some farm crap is gonna mow us down, and then look at how many dead people will be in this story. all right. coffee. get that away from me. if you're not gonna drive, let me drive. so get out of the car. when was the last time you slept ? a few days ago, but-- exactly. so if I'm gonna meet this dad guy, then I get some beauty sleep, all right ? listen, you selfish loser asshole, okay ? i've got to get to r now, and i've got to be in this car for another eight hours with you. so that means no more pit stops, no more anything stops. okay, maybe we can have one stop for a coke and a pee, and that's it. no, no, no, never mind. we don't have enough time for a coke and a pee. maybe just a pee if you're really desperate. shut up, Sybil.

"Sybil" ? Sybil, the woman with eight home phone numbers. it's not necessarily a bad thing. a plethora of personalities can be very enchanting. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you, all eight of you.

don't leave me alone, please.

hey, hey. hey, hey, hey, hey. what ? wake up. what's wrong ? what's your-- what ? why don't you help me stay awake ? we'll play a little game, all right ? yeah ? good.

soda can. all right, that was easy.

chocolate. hmm. that was good.

shit ! what the hell ? so when was the last time you were in a serious relationship ? a long time ago. I'm not a good relationship person. you speak for the world.

okay, he's checked out, and they said he can spend whatever time he has left at home. so, come on, let's go.

you're gonna love him. what am I doing ? I cannot believe I'm doing this right now. well, believe it. it's your reality. all right, hurry up now. oh, my God.

* walkin' away *

* love will lead you on *

* get away I'll do you wrong * hey !

* the setup certainly knocks you down *

* but don't-- **

I hate this fucking song ! oh, my God. oh, shit.

R, I'd like to introduce you to your son. son ? his son ? son. dad !

come in. "come in." you don't even know who it is, and just, "come in" ?

I knew it was you. so silicone lips doesn't knock ?

I'm sorry.

I understand. well, I'm three quarters through the understanding stage. but it hurts me, though. you know ? and it's not good pain.

I don't know that there ever really was good pain.

I used to think so, but I don't now. ramble, ramble, ramble. hey, please, I get it. come here. sit down.

I missed you. did you ? yes, I did.

I missed you too. it's a good thing, this missing stuff.

thanks for the present. you're welcome. what's he like ? oh, he's kind of like you. he's an asshole ? no, worse than that. he's a pathetic loser asshole. that's my boy. so you like him. no. are you mental ? totally. i've gotten down with it. i've boogied. okay, shaft. excuse me.

I hear my mother calling.

sorry about the timing.

I don't think the first apology should be coming from you.

I wish I could have known you. yeah ? all right. well, I don't do drugs.

I do.

I failed algebra. it's okay.

I failed your mother. yeah. she told me you were dead. it's true. I was. did she ever talk about me ? no.

can I ask you something ? sure. what are we supposed to talk about ? damned if I know.

I'm a fucking father.

I don't know what to say.

I'll leave you money for therapy. and for college.

I want you to go to college. it's really important, okay ? did you ? yes. yes. what did you learn ? give me a second, I'll think of it.

what is going on with you ? what do you mean ? well, you're just sitting here talking to me. you don't do that.

I know. I'm sorry. honey, what's wrong ?

I'd like to be a better daughter. sweetie... are you pregnant ? no.


and I'd like to be your friend.

I'd like to know a lot of things about you.

I know that you are... embarrassed and ashamed of me. oh, baby, no, no, no. I never said that. no.

I really, really need to talk to you about the things that matter to me. okay ? mm-hmm. so--

* it all started with the pimp c *

* so what the fuck is up thought of something good *

* he's above my motherfuckin' cut *

* 'cause if you don't really want to fuck with-- **

so that was rap. yep. well, I thought it was nice. come on, mom. I'll show you how to talk to grandma.

I do not know how you do this. I'll teach you.

well... grandma says hi.

take care of R for me, grandma. teach him to dance.

honey. should you be smoking that now ?

oh, man.

I think tonight will be fun.

"fun" ? fun was dropping acid in the '60s. fun was streaking at my sister's prom. fun was staging a sit-in at a titty bar on sunset. this-- this is very bad fellini we're about to enter into.

tell me something. did you and J ever-- no. no. the answer is no. oh.

why don't you tell me something ? tell you what ? tell me how you're gonna look after her when I'm gone.

I just want to let you know, as far as dads go, you probably would have been all right. probably. so you really wanted this dinner ? hey, I'm dying. how bad could it be ?

* the girl I dream about *

* the love i've waited for *

* I know her inside out *

* the one that I adore *

* I never thought that dreams came true *

* now I believe they do *

* the girl I dream about * excellent. the peas. I love peas.

* it is you ** it's so delicious.

tasty. sorry, man.

* when somebody loves you *

* it's no good unless they love you *

you want to dance with me ?

* all the way *

* happy to be near you *

* when you need someone to cheer you *

* all the way *

* taller *

* than the tallest tree is * pre-beatle. oh, I love this song.

* that's how it's got to feel *

* deeper *

* than the deep blue sea is * thank you so much for this evening. * that's how it goes *

* if it's real * you're welcome.

* when somebody needs you *

* it's no good unless they need you * remember that promise?

I do.

* all the way * promise me when you're gone, you'll send a message so I know you're okay.

* through the good and lean years *

* and for all those * I promise.

* in-between years * if you promise me your father won't touch anything. * come what may *

* who knows *

* where the road will lead us * mrs. Benson, would you like to dance ?

* only a fool would say *

* but if you let me love you *

* it's for sure I'm gonna love you * sorry. would you like to dance ?

* all the way * sure.

I'm afraid I'm not very good.

* all the way **

trippy. yeah.

what's up with you and the dying guy ?

I only sleep with unavailable men.

the guy said, "what's the name of your act ?"

I said, "the aristocrats."

look at that. you must feel pretty proud of yourself. it's just one of those small but enormous things. aristocrats. wow. fuckin' aristocrats. but wait, wait, wait. tell that other one about that guy dave.

absolutely true story. okay, now. dude.

I'd like to propose a toast.

to all the special "f" words:

to friends... family...



and forever.

thank you, honey.

death touched her lips to say good-bye...

and to always remember the man who touched her first, touched her with his heart. that is forever hers.

my first mister.

a man of few words. a life of more questions than answers. he awoke in me my heart, which beats stronger because of him... and all that he has left me.

I think it's time...

I got out of the eulogy business.

* somewhere *

* beyond the sea *

* she's there watching for me *

* if I could fly like birds on high *

* then straight to her arms *

* I'd go sailing *

* it's far *

* beyond the stars *

* it's nearly on the moon *

* yes, never again *

* I'd go *

* sailing **