My Mom's New Boyfriend (2008) Script

Is everything all right?

It would be fine if you weren't breathing down my neck.

Next time you eat garlic, please do it after the robbery, thank you very much.

D'accord.


What did I tell you?

What did I tell you?

You have to make sure the shit works, okay?


Who are your partners?

Oh, I don't know. I don't know.

Are you telling me you don't know who you're working with?

I don't know.

How long were you planning this heist?

I don't know.

Are you the one who tried to rob the Salome Statues six months ago in Rome?

I don't know.

You don't know much, do you?

I don't know. No idea.

Maybe you'd like six months in the hole.

How would you like that?

I don't know.

Well, I do know.

You won't like it one bit.

Maybe we postpone your trial date indefinitely.

What do you think of that?

I'll be out of any jail you put me in by 3:00 Friday.

And why is that?

Because I have to see someone at 4:00 on Friday.


You all right, Mom?

Mom? You all right?

Sure, sure.

Am I dead?

No, Mom, you're not dead.

Damn it!

Oh, Henry.

I know you have... I know you have to go.

Honestly, I'm so proud of you, Son.

I'm just gonna miss you so much.

I know, I know. No, no, no.

No more smoking. Come on.

Henry, it's all I've got left.

That's not true.

Wait a second.

What, what, what?

No. No, Mom.

Yes, Henry.

Like your soda?

Yeah, thank you.

You're such a good son, Henry.

Oh, my God.

I can't believe you're leaving.

Your father would be so proud of you.

I'm not so sure about that.

Why do you say that, Henry?

Because I'm an FBI agent, and he died in jail.

True, true, but he'd still be proud of you.

Look, you know that I might not be able to contact you, you know, maybe... Maybe even at all while I'm on this operation, but I want you to know that I am gonna be okay.

Make sure of that, Henry, because you're all I've got.

Here you go.

Here you go.


Hello?

Mom?

Who the hell are you?

Excuse me.

Excuse me... Miss?

Oh, my God.

Henry!

Mom?

Careful on the deck. Very slippery.

I see that, but when did you get a pool put in?

Oh, Henry, I kicked ass in the stock market. I really did.

You wouldn't believe how much money I made.

Oh, my stocks just kept splitting and splitting and splitting.

That's great. Okay, great.

Hey, listen. Okay, okay.

Here. You wanna know what, why don't you take this, okay, and cover those up.

Oh, Henry. For God's sake, I'm not gonna cover anything up.

These were very, very expensive.

There's so much I have to tell you.

Yeah? Yeah.

Well, go slow.

Okay. Okay.

So I dropped you off at the airport and went to get a cup of coffee.

What was in it?

Well, honestly, a lot of sugar, but that's not the point.

This guy dropped a quarter in my cup. I should've kissed that man on the lips.

Oh, Mom. Yep.

He saved my life. I looked like a bag lady.

So I said, "Marty, you've gotta be making some changes."

Who's Marty?

I don't go by Martha anymore.

Okay.

Well, Mom, I have a surprise for you, too.

Yes?

I'm engaged.

You're engaged?

I got engaged to a wonderful woman by the name of Emily who also works in the Bureau, and she's flying in this afternoon.

Oh, Henry! Oh, my God!

Mom?

This is Emily.

Oh, Emily!

Oh, Mrs. Durand.

Oh, Marty.

Oh, I have a daughter.

Henry.

Oh, she's lovely.

God, something smells great.

Yeah, oh, I'm making Henry's favorite turkey casserole.

Don't expect anything too edible, 'cause I haven't made it in a long time.

Oh, no, I'm sure it'll be great.

I don't even care about the food.

I'm just so happy we're all together finally.

You know, Henry told me so much about you.

In fact, you were kind of all he talked about.

Kind of worried about how obsessed he seemed, but now I see why.

Well, I hope you like garlic because I made these...

Spanakopita appetizers, and there's a very spicy red garlic dip.

This is great. You have to try this.

Well, I got it from this Italian chef that I was dating.

You... You have a boyfriend?

A boyfriend? No.

Hell, no. Not gonna make the mistake I made with your father.

Okay, good. I have several boyfriends.

Party hearty, Marty.

You okay?

Oh, yeah, I'm fine.

So, Emily, what is it that you do at the FBI?

Are you a field agent like Henry?

Yeah, I work in the field, but mostly I do psychological profiling.

Right on, right on, like Clarice Starling.

Well, nothing that exciting, but yeah.

Mom, you've barely touched your food.

I don't mean to be rude to you guys, but there was something that I wanted to do later on.

There was some business that I needed to take care of.

Over dinner?

Yeah, but I can change my plans.

No, don't be silly. Don't change your plans 'cause of us.

Where are you going? It's 9:00.

Well, my date's not coming till 10:30, and Henry, don't worry... After 12:00, I don't turn into a pumpkin.

So, tell us about your boyfriends.

Okay. All right. Well, where will I start?

Well, there was Enrico, the chef.

He was adorable. He just wouldn't let me go.

He would sit outside on the front lawn at night just sobbing like a child.

It was really just heartbreaking.

Just sad.

Right?

Don't make me miss him.

Emily knows what I mean.

Anyway, it just took me a long time to realize that there was something missing inside.

Missing from inside the house? No, Henry.

Missing inside here, spiritually.

So started my quest for enlightenment, inner peace, inner joy, the person who'd gotten buried alive in a sea of nicotine and packaged cakes...

Yeah. This is so great.

Yeah, yeah.

So what did you do?

I went to India.

You went to India?

Yeah.

You used to never leave the house.

Then I went to Tibet and I studied Buddhism, and I read the Koran, and then studied Kabala.

And then I understood.

What?

That the whole world is one truth-seeking organism, and so it doesn't matter if your science is religion or your religion is science, because we all seek meaning.

We all seek our reason for being.

That is so beautiful.

And the reason why we're here is...?

To have fun, because it's all over too freakin' fast.

Marty!

Well, I'll get that.

Hey, Honey, can you get that?

Yeah, yeah, I'm coming.

Can I help you?

Yeah, Dude, I'm here for Marty.

Dude?

What?

No, no, no.

You said "Dude."

Yeah.

Hey, Mom, there's some kid here. He just called me dude.

You want me to just... That's Eddie!

I can wait out here.

Okay. Well, could you please tell me that Eddie is here to collect money for the newspaper or try and sell me a magazine subscription?

Where is he? He's on the front porch.

That's rude, Henry.

Eddie. Hi. Hey.

Hey. I'm so sorry. My son didn't know who you were.

Oh, it's okay.

You can't be too careful about who you let in the house, right?

Yeah, Dude.

Oh, my gloves. I'll be right back.

So, back to living with Mom, huh?

Yep.

You were doing some sort of secret ops sort of stuff, right?

Yeah.

Would you tell me about it?

If I did, it wouldn't be a secret.

Yeah.

That's awesome.

Did you ever kill anybody? Not yet.

All right. Got 'em.

Good night, Henry.

Bye, Mom.

What's that, Eddie?

That's the beast, my dear.

Beast tonight.

You know it.

Very special of you to bring the beast, Eddie.

You only deserve the best, Darling.

Don't wait up, Henry!

Did that sound like a Harley?

Something passes by this house every 30 seconds, Henry.

Come back to bed.

She can take care of herself. Marty!

She's a grown woman. Marty!

She did a bang-up job raising you. I love you!

Wait a minute.

What is it, Honey? Nothing. Go back to bed.

No woman has ever made me feel like this before.

Oh, you've got to be kidding.

And I know you want me, too!

Jiminy Cricket, really, Honey?

I know! I can feel it in my bones.

What is this guy doing?

I want to make sweet love to you, and I want to do it...

Now!

What's so funny?

Your mom must be a hottie in bed.

Emily!

What? Does that bother you? Yes! It does. It bothers me.

We're sexual beings, Henry.

It is the denial of it that gets us into trouble.

I'm gonna call the cops on you!

Marty!

Will you go get me my gun?

Oh, God, leave him alone.

Come on. Just leave him be, Henry.

Come on. Come to bed.

Let's fool around.

You want... You want to fool around with this nut outside?

Yeah.

I'm getting it myself.

Would you ever do that for me if we broke up?

Do what? Drive an expensive car and get drunk on your lawn?

No. To hell with him, Henry. Just come to bed.

We haven't seen each other in weeks.

Wait, why would you say that?

Why would you even think about breaking up?

We just got engaged.

A little sympathy here, Emily, all right?

I'm sitting here, it's my first night back at home, I've got some drunk Italian chef serenading my mother who's not even here... Where is she?

She's on a date riding some young guy's beast.

At least somebody is.

Hello, Enrico. I'm Henry.

I'm Martha...

Marty's son.

I'm gonna be staying here awhile.

The one in the FBI.

That's the one.

Tell your mother that I can't live without her.

Yeah, I'm sure she's gotten the message.

Ciao.

You come to my restaurant, I take care of you. Very good.

I make wonderful Kung Pao Chicken. You might like it.

I'm gonna move the car right now.

You better move on.


No. Thank you.

Your mom is like a mongoose, let me tell ya.

Yeah?

Insane.

We keeping you up?

Yes.

I'm sorry to hear about that.

Gonna get back up there.

Hey. Good morning, Honey.

Good morning, Mom. Where's Eddie?

Oh, he had to leave early.

He had a final.

Well, let's hope our little Eddie gets an "A."

Grape-Nuts?

No. Thank you.

Is there something wrong?

Okay, look. Mom...

I've been thinking about this a lot, and...

I am glad that you've turned your life around, you know, that you've turned into this, dare I say it, really attractive woman.

Don't you think you should slow down a little?

Well, Henry, I'm not in my 20s anymore.

Can you pass me the milk?

Right, yeah, no, I understand that.

It's just... Would it kill you to date someone your own age?

Henry, listen. It's not serious with Eddie.

We're just, you know...

We're just having a little fun.

You know what I've been meaning to say to you, though?

You know, I think you scored really big with Emily.

I know.

I hope you know how lucky you are, 'cause I never found what you two have and I don't think you should take it for granted, not for one second.

I won't.

I heard you and your mom talking this morning.

She seems kind of lonely.

Lonely? It sounds like she's been intimate with half of Shreveport.

I think we should find her a good guy.

We're not matchmaking. That's something old ladies do.

See, someone like that, for instance. Look.

He's probably buying a toy for his kids. He's cute.

How do you know that's not how he picks up little boys at the park?

Oh, my God. Oh.

Hi, Mom. Are you having fun?

I feel like I'm on ecstasy!

Gonna pretend I didn't hear her say that.

Hey, Mom. Can we go?

You're embarrassing me. What?

Can we go? You're embarrassing me.

I can only wish this kind of pleasure on you, Son.

Can't force it.

Jesus Christ. Mom, are you okay?

What is this thing? Mom? Marty? Marty!

It was my fault. I was fiddling with it.

I am terribly sorry.

Hi.

Hello. I'm very sorry.

Aren't you a little old to be playing with toys?

You could've killed her.

Yeah, could have been... Tragic.

It's nothing.

Nothing.

Mom, you could have been hurt. Henry, it's nothing.

It's not nothing!

She said it's nothing.

All right. Come here.

It's a small island hidden away in the East Caribbean called Antiga.

I think you mean Antigua.

No, no, no. Antiga.

Antigua is a trap for tourists.

No, I spend all morning in this beautiful crescent-shaped inlet called Half Moon Bay.

There's a reef that cuts it off from the rest of the Caribbean Sea, and you just stand there and watch the waves break with the sun rising behind them.

It's the most mesmerizing place in the world.

Sounds perfect.

It is, but at the same time, it's tragic.

You know, about a century ago a hurricane destroyed the island and buried the city under water.

You can still see tops of the buildings below the surface of the bay.

At night, the locals celebrate the end of each day with a feast of the sea's bounty, and they sing folk songs under a sky where I swear you can see a billion stars.

Maybe the most romantic place on earth.

Sorry.

It's okay. In many cultures, it's considered a compliment.

See? Excuse me, your check.

Oh, yeah. No, no, no.

I insist. I insist.

Keep it. Well...

It's always nice to make new friends.

Listen, guys, if you're not doing anything this afternoon...

I'd like you all to experience something with me.

No, I think we're busy, Mr...

Oh, please, please. Call me Tommy.

Okay, Tommy, I think we're... We're busy.

Or... Or... Or not.

Good.

All right. This is it.

This statue is actually touring the world this year, a recently discovered work.

It's one of the most priceless and most beautiful sculptures to have come from the artist's hand.

He represents what many art experts believe to be Bernini's mother and youngest brother.

Right on. Right on. It's beautiful.

Isn't it? Let me show you something.

You see, it's... It's all balanced.

Balanced.

Those two really seem to like each other, don't they?

Yeah.

At least he's of voting age.

Nice.

What is?

Those are laser detection devices.

The statue has been the object of desire for art thieves for several years now.

In fact, there have been two attempts in just the last three years.

Tommy. Well, this has... This has been great.

And there is no reason why it should end.

Guys, listen, I know a terrific Albanian restaurant that I've been going to for years.

Yeah, but we just ate.

No, no, of course. I meant sometime this weekend.

How about Saturday night?

Marty? Henry? Emily?

You will be my guests.

Yes.

Marty, these are flowers for you.

I have flowers for you.

I have... They are for you. I have red roses for you.

It is shit compared to your beauty.

Right on time.

Can I make an observation?

Only if I can shoot Enrico.

Okay, for a long time, from what you told me, you were always the parent in the relationship.

Yes.

And you doted on your mom because your father had abandoned her.

Yeah.

And then you became the surrogate husband.

Okay.

So, I'm just thinking that maybe...

You're a little hung up on your mama.

Oh, that is disgusting!

I don't mean in a sexual way.

Good. I would hope not.

Although...

There's a large sexual component to mother/son relationships.

Oh, God.

All right. Forget it.

Do you ever think of your mom when we're having sex?

Oh, God!

It's just a question.

Well, let me answer your question. No. No, I haven't.

Thank God I haven't, but you wanna know what?

Now I'm not sure how I'm gonna be able to not think about her.

Thank you very much. Good night.

Marty! What are you thinking?

Are you sleeping?

Marty Durand?

That's me.

Could you sign here at the bottom, please?

Those are really lovely.

Yes, they are. Come on. We gotta go.

"Till next we meet. Tommy."

See. I like this Tommy guy. I like him, Marty.

Okay, come on. Let's go. Okay, okay.

Bye. Bye, Mom.

Bye.

Bye.

Your mom is a big girl. You have to let her live her life.

Yeah. Henry.

Yeah, yeah. No, no, no. I hear you. I hear you.

It's just my luck, marrying a shrink.

I love you. I love you, too.

I'll see you later.

You're late. Yeah, no kidding.

We have a briefing. When?

Now. Oh, God.

On that Bernini statue we have here in town:

Last night, we were informed by Interpol that they have reason to believe the same crew of highly sophisticated art thieves that attempted to steal it in Paris are gonna try to take another shot at the statue here in Shreveport.

We're inclined to agree.

Interpol believes three men were involved...

One French, one Greek, and one of unknown origin.

Niko Evangelatos is a career criminal, only high-end merchandise.

He was known to be in Rome and Paris at the time of the attempted heist.

We know for a fact that he's here in the United States now.

Jean Yves Tatao is another career criminal.

He's believed to have been involved in the Paris bank robbery of 2001 where over $6 million was stolen.

Now, very little is known about the third man, believed to be the ringleader.

Oh, shit!

Don't get up. Don't get up.

Special Agent Wagner told me everything.

Are you certain this is the same man from your case file?

Is the woman on your right your mother?

Yes, Sir.

That's a good-looking woman.

This is a really good-looking woman.

Hey, Alex, she's a heartbreaker or what?

She's beautiful.

She's stunning. I like that.

Look, how long has your mother been going with this guy?

Well, the same as me.

Same as you?

Well, we... We didn't spend...

She spent the day together with him, and I happened to be... We all just met.

I need to know every place you went.

We went to the museum. What?

To look at the statue.

And? Well, and...

We looked at the statue.

He went on and on, but I wasn't all that interested, so I didn't listen closely to what he was saying.

Does he know you're an agent?

I don't believe so. Good.

Let's keep it that way as long as we can.

I want you to encourage your mother to continue to see this guy.

It's not an option.

Oh, and one more thing...

Share this with no one, not even your fiancé.

Tommy.

Hey. How are you, Howie?

Henry. Henry. Henry.

Glad you could make it. Thank you.

This is... This is beautiful, cozy.

Do you know when the house was built?

No.

Oh, you play the piano?

No.

The bongos? No.

Right.

Hi. Oh, Emily, how are you?

Hi, Tommy. It's so good to see you.

Thank you, same here.

Same here. Good.

Breathtaking.

I know! I know. I just can't believe it.

Hi.

Nice to see you.

Same here. Same here.

I only say that because I used to be so fat.

Fat.

Just huge.

It's hard to believe.

Would you like to see some pictures?

Tommy, can I interest you in a drink?

Sure, yeah. Great, what's your poison?

Scotch.

Oh, rocks or neat or...

Oh, neat, yeah.

Sweetie, you all right with that Heineken?

Great. Thanks.

Are you trying to get me drunk, Henry, tell you all my secrets?

Just kidding. Just kidding. I just don't wanna get pulled over.

Oh, don't worry. You won't get a ticket with us.

Really? Why is that?

I'd like to propose a toast...

210.

Oh, my God.

To new friends.

Yeah, to new friends.

Here you go. All right. To new friends.

How can you get out of a ticket?

Oh, she's joking. No, I'm not.

All right. We're with the FBI.

I'm sorry. Excuse me.

It went on the... Are you okay?

Yeah. Sorry. Fine. That's... That's good.

Yeah. We're field agents. That's how we met.

Isn't that perfect?

Yeah, both...

Henry and Emily just got back from some kind of hush-hush mission.

Well, that... That is impressive.

It sounds kind of dangerous.

Well... It wasn't. I'm 185.

185.

I was just tracking a money laundering scheme.

So then you do forensic accounting?

Yes.

I'm very impressed. You seem to know a little about the FBI.

Yes, yes. I do. I do.

But, okay, shall we go?

Wait, Tommy. Tommy, one more.

170.

Getting better, getting better. Yeah.

Big benchmark for me... 170.

Let's go, Howie.

Henry. He... Henry.

210. Impressive, right?

Well, 250, then down to 170 and back to 230.

That's very interesting.

Coming? Coming.

Where's the restaurant?

Right there. Come on, Guys.

Trust me, please. Anyone can go to Delmonico's.

That's right, Officer. Right where the light is.

Do you see that... That green coupe?

Thank you. Fantastic.

Okay, where are the menus? Oh, no menus.

Victor just brings food out of the kitchen.

Love that.

What kind of food?

Well, I generally don't ask.

It's some of the tastiest stuff you'll ever have.

You having fun? I'm having a blast, Tommy.

Listen, my mom and I are transplants from New York, so generally, we don't like to eat any kind of marsupials.

So are you sure that this is actually a restaurant?

You mean, do they serve food?

Yeah, but I doubt a health inspector has ever been here.

What do you do for a living exactly, Tommy?

I'm an international business consultant.

Henry, will you do me a favor, please?

You know, my guess is that half the clientele here might be a little shady.

You think? Yeah.

Maybe we should keep your profession on the QT.

I wanna make sure when they bring the alligator sausage that's all we're getting, know what I mean?

Alligator sausage. Yeah.

This is Albanian moonshine.

Here we go. All right.

Made in my bathroom, in my bathtub.

In your bathtub? Thank you.

I thought it was water.

Oh, no, no. You go easy on this stuff.

Oh, all right. Fill 'er up.

I'm not kidding. This stuff makes you do crazy things.

Make it a double!

All right, so...

What is that? The thing you open a garage with.

Don't throw the cups!

Guys, you are good people.

I'm glad we all met...

Especially you, Marty.

I don't wanna be too forward, but...

I feel I've known you for years.

Is that a good thing?

Yeah.

Some people you just know and trust.

Oh, that's really nice, Tommy.

Your eyes...

Your eyes don't lie, do they.

Life's too short for lies.

I think that's your cell phone.

You know, it's funny...

I don't hear it.

Okay. But maybe you should get it 'cause maybe it's important.

Whoever this is, this is very bad timing.

Who are those people you are with?

Well, I'm a little busy right now.

Where are you?

Try to look to your right.

Salut.

Prick.

Was that important?

I'll be right back. Bathroom.

Oh, I have to go to the bathroom, too.

Oh, hello.

Are you rich doctor?

No.

It's all right.

Here we go.

Okay. Cheers.

Bathroom? Water closet?

A bathroom.

Henry, just go with it. Relax.

You want to go to bathroom with me?

Bathroom. Bathroom.

Bathroom. Toilet-ay? He has to go to the bathroom. Sorry.

I'm very sorry.

How do you say bathroom in Albanian?

Who's the woman?

A friend.

She's very pretty.

Yeah, she is.

She also looks like she's falling in love.

You think? Interesting.

Hi. Hi.

Friends of yours? Yeah, yeah.

Jean Yves and Niko, this is Henry.

Bathroom?

Yes, there. Okay.

See you at the table? Yeah.

Let's go.

We gotta go?

I need the cash.

It's all right, Sweetheart. It's all right.

So...

Marty, tell me your life story.

Okay. Well, I feel like I've had three lives...

The first one with my husband.

We met when I was in high school. I was pregnant when I was 17.

And one with Henry.

And now this one.

What about you?

Me. Well, I am looking very much forward to retiring, settling down.

I just have to do so much traveling.

Hotels and... For your business.

Yeah, yeah. I'm working on this one last deal, and after that I think I am going to coast.

Yes, yes!

Coast if you want. Transform your life.

I believe that we should only do what makes us happy.

Hopefully, we have done all the stupid things we could dream of.

Well, I think there's time for just a few more.

Do you realize what a big break this is for us, and for your career, as a matter of fact?

Sir, just how dangerous is this suspect?

Because my mom really seems to like him, and quite frankly, Sir, I love my mother.

Your mother couldn't be in better hands.

She'll have 24-hour surveillance and protection if anything were to go wrong.

So then, how would this be good for my career, Sir?

You're going to lead the task force, Agent Durand.

You'll have five agents under you.

Well, no, no. Sir, I can't lead the task force.

I can't be in charge of bugging my own mother while she...

As I said, she really likes this guy.

Oh, my God.

You know, I never took your feelings into consideration.

I mean, the last thing I would want to do is to make one of my agents uncomfortable.

Well, thank you, Sir. You know...

Ee have a lovely little outpost just north of Anchorage, Alaska.

Now, I don't know, but maybe, just maybe, you might find that a little bit more comfortable, huh?

All right, when you're done in here, let's hit the bathrooms and the prime subject's bedroom.

Bedroom. I've got the lingerie drawer.

Oh, this ought to be great!

Can you move that mike just a little to the right?

That's great.

Hey, Felder, come on. We don't need this.

Geez, Henry. Come on. It's pillow talk.

This is where the good stuff always happens, right in the middle of coitus.

"We rob the place Tuesday night."

We're talking about my mother!

Look, we need to be able to trace any phone call from this very location.

Any call made in the stated subject's bedroom, and I'll have a trace within 45 seconds.

Not the subject... It's my mother!

Okay, Henry.

We're also going to need your mommy's cell phone number in order to triangulate her location.

See, it's called triangulation, Henry.

Triangulation, Henry.

Fine.

Phone coming in.

Hello?

Marty? It's Tommy.

Bingo.

Are we still on for tonight?

We are so on. I'll be there in about an hour.

Oh, good.

See you.

(318) 555-1000.

He's at the... El Dorado Hotel.

Oh, it is nice there.

When the hell were you there?

Oh, I was there.

They leave these little mints on the pillows, and it...

Oh, forget about it.

Just get Simpson and Cisneros on the phone.

Tell them he's at the El Dorado Hotel. Get into his room and bug it.

Find out if he's got a car and bug that, too.

Man. I know. I know.

All right.

Are you strapped in?

Why?

You wanna have some fun?

Yes.

What did you have in mind?

Let's open this baby up and see what she can do.

Shit. We've been made.

Don't engage! Don't engage! My mother is in that car.


Come on, come on, come on.


It's beautiful, isn't it?

Everything pales next to you.

Oh, my God!

Do you mind if I ask you a question?

Yeah, sure. Ask away.

You were gonna ask me something?

I was just wondering...

How could anybody let you get away?

Oh, come on. Don't fall for this. This is such a line.

My ex-husband had a lot of problems, but we weren't divorced, if that's what you're asking. He passed away.

I'm sorry.

Well, don't worry about it.

We weren't speaking at the time. He was in prison.

You've always been attracted to bad boys?

I guess.

Oh, Baby.

Hey, knock it off.

So, what do you see when you see me

Well, when I see you, I see nothin' but trouble.

Yeah.

I am so bad that I should be forbidden.

Oh, come on. Don't fall for that!

Gotta hand it to this guy, very smooth.

Yup. Very smooth.

Tell me... Tell me about Henry.

Yeah. Henry.

Well, Henry...

Well, he's just the most beautiful, sensitive, intelligent, lovely...

Loving son... Oh, geez, Henry.

As much as I love him, though, he can be a real piece of work sometimes.

Why is that?

Well, he can be a real watchdog.

Shut up!

I'm probably responsible for that.

I think I might have screwed him up a little bit.

He used to be so afraid of everything.

I think I transferred some of that on to him, and he was so busy taking care of me that he missed out on part of his childhood.

I feel very responsible about that, and I'd like to fix it somehow.

Your mom's a very special woman, Henry.

Yup. Very special.

Well, his job has to be tough.

I mean, I would imagine that in that line of work you start to believe that everyone is up to something.

Uh, yeah, like you, you friggin' art thief!

I... I would like for him to know that I am okay, that there's nothing to worry about with me, that my intentions are...

You know, very honorable.

Your eyes don't lie, do they.

They can't, I guess. I don't know.

Well, don't worry about being too honorable, 'cause remember, I like a little danger.

Oh, Baby.

Oh, wow. She is hot!

Felder! That is enough!

I am not gonna tell you again.

This is so good.

I love it.

Are you hungry at all? No.

Let's get the heck out of here.

You know, I haven't been this happy in a long time.

Heading east on River Walk. Really?

I thought you were the one with the exciting life.

There is a difference between excited and happy.

Oh, so you're not excited?

You're a tricky woman.

Oh, no, no, no...

Tommy...

Tommy, I think we really have to slow down here.

Yes! Very smart. Why?

Wait, what happened to slowing down?

Because I just do.

You're not acting like a person who wants to slow down.

I think I'm falling in love.

Oh, God.

Do you have to go home?

Yes, she does!

Yes, I do. No, you don't.

Yes, she does!

Listen, I...

I have a beautiful suite at the El Dorado.

We could really be alone there.

No. She said no!

Ten bucks says she goes. Don't take that bet, Randle.

Okay.

Easy money.

You're so sexy.

I know!

I mean, look at... Look at that.

Look at those moves. Where did you learn that?

That's unbelievable. Yeah. I know.

You know. And...

Look at my ass.

Oh, like a wild animal.

Olympic. Come over here.

I'm gonna give you a gold medal right now.

Oh, Tommy.

Ah, you learned that position.

Oh, yes. Yes, I just learned everything.

I just got cable.

Wha... What? Hold on, hold on.

What is that thing? What is that clicking?

Oh, that's my jaw. I have TMJ.

What is that?

Don't worry. You can't catch it.

Close your eyes. Okay.

And open your mouth.

Okay. Oh, Tommy.

Are you ready?

Oh, Tommy. It's so big.

And so juicy.

Yeah, it is.

Tell me, tell me.

The itsy-bitsy spider Went up the water spout Yeah, why not?

Down came the rain And washed that spider out Oh, okay. All right.

Randle, turn that shit off.

No, no, no. This is work-related.

Work-related my ass, Felder.

All the rain.

God.

And the itsy-bitsy spider Went up the spout again Keep... Keep going. Yes.

It's good.

Don't, don't.

Come on, Henry. What?

Don't. No, no, no. What?

You wanna hear how the "Itsy-Bitsy Spider" ends, Felder?

Look, take your hands off!

Oh, geez.

Henry? Yeah.

Can you give me a hand in here?

Yeah.

Henry, we have the house to ourselves.

Oh, Jesus.

Sweetie, I'm sorry.

I can't do this tonight, okay?

I... I know...

It's just I have had a long, hard day.

Come on, Henry.

Let's fool around.

Okay, no, no, no...

Shit. It's okay, Henry. I got...

What's this?

That would be...

A bug?

Yeah.

Oh, my God!

Henry, this is like a whole new level of crazy.

No, no, no.

What? No.

Henry, you are listening in on your mother.

Yeah.

After that, the subjects retired to the El Dorado Hotel where a very passionate night ensued.

And after that, nothing else happened relating to the case.

I can't help thinking...

I wish my wife would try that Itsy-Bitsy Spider thing.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Turkey. Great choice.

All right...

Henry.

I think I know what you're up to.

And that would be?

You're protecting your mother.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Listen, I am not trying to replace your father.

Good, 'cause we both know where he wound up.

And I am not trying to steal your mother away.

That's not what I want.

What do you want, then?

I want us to become friends.

I'm gonna have a lot of free time very soon.

How so? Your mother...

She made me see things differently.

I don't want to continue living the life I've been living.

I'm gonna be making some changes.

International consulting getting too boring for you?

I guess I am just getting tired of looking over my shoulder.

Sounds like you don't trust the people you do business with.

I don't.

They are thieves.

Yeah.

Henry, do you mind if I join you for lunch?

Not at all.

Turkey sandwich, please.

It's not coming up. Are you sure?

Positive.

Oh, hi.

What?

How was lunch?

Lunch?

Yes. Lunch with Tommy.

It was good. How did...

Felder's got a big mouth.

Great. Well, I'm glad he's on my team.

Okay. Please tell me that those are not Tommy's fingerprints on that glass.

Henry?

All right. Come with me.

That's the men's room. I know.

Okay. Listen to me, all right?

I was given strict orders not to utter a word of this to anyone.

Of what?

Guys, get out.

What?

The Bureau's watching Tommy.

We're watching Tommy? Why?

'Cause Mom picked a real winner this time, Emily.

She really hit the jackpot.

Tommy's an international art thief.

I really have to go.

I really don't care.

Get out! Get out!

You have to tell her.

Yeah, and then resign.

Oh, God.

Henry, I'm so sorry.

Screw you, Henry.

Say, Tommy, can I get you anything?

Coffee? Coffee would be great.

So, listen...

There are four grates in the wall of the main room, 12 by 24 inches each, so we should keep our intake of linguini to a...

Minimum.

So, Tommy...

Why don't you tell us about your new friend.

I hope...

You're planning on using that gun, Niko...

Because if you're not, I'm gonna take it away from you and I'm gonna stick it right up your ass.

Hey. Hey, Tommy.

Let us not be rude, huh?

We want to talk like gentlemen.

All right.

He's the son of the woman I've been dating.

We got involved.

I had no idea her son was a Fed.

If I dump her now, it's gonna look far more suspicious.

Look, we're knocking off the place tonight.

What sense would it make if I am talking to the FBI?

Maybe you got caught doing something else...

And you decided to turn on your friends.

I have always had my doubts about you, Tommy.

You never tell us how you escaped from that jail in Paris.

So...

Are we going to keep this civil, or am I going to be doing this by myself tonight?

Well, Tommy, so I presume you would like to keep up the partnership.

I'll see you at midnight.

It stinks in here.

Hey, Henry, I'm about to go.

What are you doing?

Mom, we need to talk.

Okay.

Outside by the pool.

Outside by the pool.

What is it with you, Henry?

Why do we have to talk outside?

What are you always so worried about?

It's like you're just listening for the hiss in the speakers and just not listening to the music.

What is it with you?

Mom...

What I'm gonna tell you could cost me my job, my career, and everything that I've worked for...

But I want you to know... that I don't care about any of it.

I only care about you.

Well, that is very, very sweet, Henry, but what the hell are you talking about?

It's about Tommy.

What? What is it?

The FBI has been watching him.

Why?

Doesn't matter why.

Yeah, it matters why, Henry.

It does matter why.

He's a thief.

He's a thief? An art thief.

Well...

Boy, I can pick 'em, huh?

I'm sorry.

The... Entire house has been bugged.

You've been under surveillance.

I didn't have any say in the matter.

Wait a second. Wait a minute. What are you talking about?

You're saying that everything that's been going on here, every conversation I've been having, somebody's been listen...

You've been listening to?

Yes.

I just thought that you should know.

It is very important that you don't tell Tommy any of this.

Well, exactly what am I supposed to do?

He's gonna be here in ten minutes.

Act normal, and know that if anything happens, you're not alone.

Are you all right?

How are my eyes?

Your eyes are beautiful.

Beautiful.

Hey, Marty.

Can I propose a toast?

Sure.

Raise your glass.

To us.

I love you, Marty.

You know, there... I know so little about you.

What else do you need to know?

I mean, I'm crazy about you.

Well, let's just talk a little bit about what it is that you do.

No. Yeah. Yeah.

No, it's boring. Yeah, no, it's not boring to me.

I'm very, very interested in what it is that you do.

All right, Marty. All right.

I've been working on a project for several years.

It's kind of important to me...

Or that's what I thought until I met you.

Now I can't think straight.

Things that I thought were important seem trivial to me now.

Wait, what does that mean? What exactly does that mean?

That you were gonna quit whatever it is that you were doing?

No, I can't.

But after tomorrow, I will close this deal, and I'll be free from all of this.

Marty, give me 48 hours, please.

All right, we got him.

Alert the troops.

It goes down tomorrow night.

All right.

So...

Am I gonna see you again?

That all depends on you.

Oh, Marty, what's going on?

Nothing. I'll see myself in.

Oh, come on. Come on!

Marty, what's wrong with you? Come on!

I don't know who you think you are, coming into people's lives and making them fall in love with you like it's some kind of big, sick game.

What are you talking about?

Oh, you know exactly what I am talking about.

I swear I have no idea what you're saying.

You are not being straight with me!

I will be.

God... Damn it!

I just...

God!

Damn it.

Are you all right?

I hope you're happy, Henry.

Jesus.

Fuck it.


Yeah.

It's Simpson.

He checked in for the night, putting a "Do Not Disturb" on the door, and asked for a 6:00 A.M. wake-up call.

All right. Well, stay there.

Oh, Henry, the guy went to bed for the night.

I said stay there.

Mom?

Henry.

I'm feeling really empty and stupid right now.


Back to work. All right.

Oh, no, get off him! Hey, get off him!

Get off him! Get up against that car!

Get up against that car!

You okay, Buddy?

I am now.


Yeah.

Durand, Wagner.

An alarm just went off at the museum.

City cops are on their way, but you better go check it out.

Okay. Yeah, I'm there.

What is it? That was Wagner.

The... The alarm at the museum went off.

Well, I'm going with you.

No, you're not technically on this case.

Yeah, well, screw procedure. This is family.

All right, fine.

We're tired of this!


Who's in charge here?

I am, Sir. Canales. Jim Canales.

So, what the hell seems to be the problem?

Well, the alarm went off, Sir. Well, I can hear that.

Yeah, we don't know what tripped it.

Was somebody at the monitor when it went off?

Yes, Sir.

Turn the damn thing off! Yes, Sir.

Cut it!

Cut it? Deactivate.

Deactivate!

Agent Durand.

Looks like it was a false alarm. Where are ya?

Well, I'm almost there. What would you like me to do?

You'd better back and get some sleep.

Looks like tomorrow is gonna be a very long day.

Yeah, it's a good idea.

False alarm.

Again?

Agent Durand.

The alarm went off again. Get down there.

I'm on my way.

You're never gonna believe this.

Now what? The alarm went off again.

Agent Henry Durand. Emily Lott, FBI.

Police Chief Malone.

What seems to be the problem?

Well, there seems to be a malfunction with this security system.

And it keeps going off on its own?

Well, either that or one of these statues came alive.

Is the alarm back on?

You want it on? Absolutely.

Activate it. Activate!


Well, let's get a computer tech down here right away.

Yeah, that's what I said.

He's on his way.

Okay.

Shut it off!

Deactivate!

Oh, this can't go on all night!

Well, you're right about that.

Okay, I want you to place five guards in the room.

Leave the alarm off until a tech gets here.

Understood? Consider it done, Sir.

What are you thinkin'?

Let's check in on Tommy.


Keep it close and keep it running.

Yes, Sir.

Good evening, Sir. How may I help you?

I need you to send a maid to room 927.

Room 927?


You're right. That room is empty.

He's at the museum. He wanted us to turn the alarm on.

What are you talking about? Stay there!

Security. Canales.

This is Henry Durand, FBI.

I want you to shut down the entire museum and call back the police immediately.

Why? I can see it as clear as day. The statue's right there.

Yeah, well, how about your men?

They're not there.

They're there, most likely unconscious.

Look, they hacked into your security system, all right?

The images on the screen are not what's going on in the room.

Call back the damn police.

Damn it.

Tommy, listen to me, please.

About the partnership...

I think it is over.

Au revoir.

Vamos, Nikos.


That's it.

What the hell's going on?

That was a huge mista...


All right, let's split up. Be careful.


Museum Security.

Hey, got a man down. Get an ambulance here right now.

Hang in there. Yeah.

Hang in there.

Freeze, Tommy! Hands in the air right now!

Good for you, Henry.

Excellent police work.

I'm sure you are thrilled. Put your hands on your head.

I have no weapons. Put your hands on your head.

Henry, your mother is in danger.

No, she's not. Not anymore.

Hi, Emily.

Be quiet, Tommy.

Henry, listen to me, please.

I knew you were following me pretty much from the beginning.

That's why I misled you about tonight.

I knew you were listening, but I had to make sure this went according to plan.

Sure, sure, sure, Tommy.

Whatever you say, if that's even your name.

Yeah, that's my...

Well, no, no, Lucero is not my last name.

My real name is Tomas Martínez.

Wanna hear your rights, Tom Martinez?

No, I pretty much know my rights.

Then we can skip the boring... Henry, Henry!

Jean Yves and Niko are part of a European syndicate.

This is not about stealing some statue.

Sure.

They sell high-end goods to finance terrorist operations.

And you would know this how?

Henry... Emily...

I am with the CIA.

Okay, now I've heard everything.

I was introduced to them in Europe.

I was working on another case.

When they approached me, I couldn't say no.

I had to get involved.

Sure. No, I've been...

Get down on the ground!

If I declined... Get down on the ground.

No, no, no. Henry, I am telling you your mother is in danger.

These two guys know we are romantically involved.

Get down on the ground right now!

Listen to me! Listen! Look at this.

They shot me. They obviously suspect something!

I am the only person who knows how they are leaving the country.

If they suspect I said anything to your mother...

This is a fascinating story, Tommy.

Down on the ground now! What if he's telling the truth?

Fine. I will send a team to the house.

No, no, no. That will get her killed for sure. No.

We have to take them by surprise and we have to do it ourselves.

Come on, Kids!

You want me to give you a gun?

Well, yes, I am with the CIA.

Okay, well, if he's an agent, then he's got a federal main number.

We've already got his thumbprint on file.

Run a print. Great idea.

But wait, wait, wait.

Where did you get my print?

I lifted it at the deli.

Nice pull, Henry. Nice pull.

Good, good.

So, if he's telling the truth, then we've got a match.

Brilliant. Can we do this on the way?

Hey, Henry? Your mother?

Okay, yes. Yes, yes.

Thank you. We appreciate it.

Looks like your mom picked a winner. The prints match.

Tommy is who he says he is.

All right, there's a gun in the glove compartment.

Give it to him. Yeah, please.

Thank you.


Niko!

Hello?

Hello? Felder, it's Henry.

Is everything all right at the house? Yeah, I guess.

I think your mom's watching some movie.

A movie?

Oh, I heard some talking and stuff breaking.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Randle, wake up.

You got the board. I'm heading out.

What happened? What?

I think there's two guys inside.

I can... I can hear your mom talking to them.

She's not my mom, but thank God she's still all right.

What the hell's he doing with a gun?

He's in the CIA.

I'm pretty sure you've heard of it.

CIA.

Who the hell's the guy on the front lawn?

Help, help!

You hear that?

He's not bad.

That's Enrico.

He's still in love with me. What am I supposed to do?

Enrico, shut up. Shut up.

You have to get out of here.

What, you're going to shoot me?

Shoot me for being in love?! Shut up. Shut up.

Love is not a crime! It's not a crime!

Listen, lady, you're going to get up very quietly and very slowly.

One peep, and I blow up your brains.

I'm going in there, and I'm going to make sweet love to your mother right now!

And I'm going to say...

Shit.

Thank you!

Who is this guy?

It's a long story. Come on.

Can't we just kill her and go?

If this Tommy Lucero was not the man he said he was, we are dead people back home.

Dead people!

Hit her!

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Jeany, just get her to the car.

Her son's in the FBI. You want him to show up?

You think the house is bugged?

Oh, right.

It's not like anybody... Was outside!

We're ten feet from the front door! Get back. You ready?

Let's go.

We are standing in front of the couch, and you two thugs are menacing me.

CIA, drop them! Both of you!

Right now! You are under arrest!

You're not dead.

I am not dead, and I am not kidding.

Put your weapons down now!

Drop your weapon and step away from my mother!

Don't you point that gun at my fiancé.

Oh, man.

And what part of the family are you?

I'm not related to anybody.

I just think she's hot.

Marty.

Oh, hey, is a bad time?

There's certainly a lot of you, and you're swarming.

Do you always swarm?

Well... Thanks for the assist.

Glad to help, Sir. Absolutely.

You did good on this. I know it wasn't easy.

Thank you, Sir.

Mom.

Are you sure you're all right?

Oh, Henry, wow.

Very, very impressed by you.

Very aggressive.

Well, I had some help.

Henry. Tommy.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Well...

So, you're CIA.

Yes, I am.

Well, I was. I just finished.

It's very James Bond.

Yes, I guess.

Look, I have quite a bit to explain to you.

Yeah.

Just tell me the truth.

I love you.

Okay.

Yeah. Okay.

Okay, come here. Please. Okay, okay.

It's beautiful, isn't it?

Let them have their moment.

Marty!

I love you!

And I know you love me too!

I know it! I know it!

I know, I can feel it in my body.

I want to make sweet love to you and I want to do it... Now!


One, two, three. Okay.


Oh, am I interrupting?

It's a party. I can make some...

That was not the door.

Hey, you get my flowers?

Are you hungry? I could make you something.

That was window.

My back! My back. My back!

It's a good drum, huh?


I just broke a string.

That's right!


All right, we've had enough. We gotta go work!

We gotta go work, everybody.

Can you believe this? We're making a movie right now.