My Own Private Idaho (1991) Script

(SNIFFLES)

(WATCH CLICKS, TICKING)

(WHISPERING) ...three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

(WATCH CLICKS, TICKING STOPS)

(SIGHS)

(TICKING)

(COUGHING)

(SNIFFLES)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(SIGHS)

(BIRD SQUAWKING)

I always know where I am by the way the road looks.

Like I just know that I've been here before.

I just know that I've been stuck here.

Like this one fucking time before, you know that?

Yeah.

There's not another road anywhere that looks like this road.

I mean, exactly like this road.

It's one kind of place.

One of a kind. (SNIFFLES)

Like someone's face.

(NECK CRACKING)

Like a fucked-up face.

(HOWLING)

Where do you think you're running, man?

We're stuck here together, you shit.

(WIND WHOOSHING)

(MUMBLES)


Don't worry.

Everything's gonna be all right.

I know. It's okay.

I know you're sorry.

I know.

(THUNDER BREAKS)

(SNORING)


(MAN BREATHING HEAVILY)


(MOANING)

(SIGHS)

(SLURPING)

(GROANS)

Walt.

Walt.

WALT: Yeah, Mike?

You think, um, that you could spot me 10 more dollars?

$10? What's the matter?

You can't get it from your dad?

My dad and I don't get along too well. You know that, Walt.

I know we're not getting along that well either now, are we?

No. We don't get along too well, or else he wouldn't have gone out and drowned himself at Boxcar Canyon.

- Again? Yeah.

He hit the water this time?

He survived the first time. This... Oh, God.

You're the only one I can ask. You know that, Walt. Please!

I'll owe you a date. How about that?

I'll owe you a date. (CRYING) Please.

Oh, God, crying tears. Hold on. Here you go.

Thanks.


Don't worry.

Everything's gonna be all right.

Don't worry.

Everything's gonna be all right.

(MAN WHISTLING)


(CAR HORN BLARING)

Here. Now, mind the carpet. It's white.

Give me your shoes.

Give me your shoes.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Okay, just a sec.

Put these on, so you don't make a mess.

(SIGHS)

I am so lucky.

I was born on April 4th, 1944.

That's 4-4-44.

If you add that up, it comes to 16.

One, six.

One plus six is seven.

Luckiest number of all.

You know your math.

It's more than math, Mike.

It's...

Immaculate perfection.

Hmm.

(SIGHS)

(CLICKS TONGUE)

Boy, this place is a mess.

(HEAVY BREATHING) Yeah. Let's make it immaculate.

Okay. Okay. (CHUCKLES)

(SNAPS FINGERS)

(OLD ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)


DADDY CARROLL: Faster, little Dutch boy.

Harder.

(MOANING)

Yeah, that sound.

That sound.

(MOANING CONTINUES)

MIKE: I'm all done.

(SIGHS)

And now, my lucky 44th little Dutch boy, you must scrub Daddy Carroll.

(POLICE SIREN WAILING)

This chick's living in a new car ad.

Feels like a dream.

A girl never picks me up, much less a pretty, rich girl.

They don't?

I don't know why that is.

This is a nice home.

Do you live here? Yes.

I don't blame you.

Oh.

Hey.

What up, Scott? What up, Gary?

Hey, it's Mikey the Dyke.

ALENA: You men make yourselves comfortable.

I'll be right back.

There are Cokes in the refrigerator. Help yourselves.

SCOTT: She's cool.

She just likes to have three guys, 'cause it takes her a little while to get warmed up.

It's normal. Nothing kinky. (CHUCKLES)

Yeah.

Hey, dude, did you get into that Sinead O'Connor concert last night?

What? To the Sinead... Yeah, the chick with the bald head.

I've never been to a concert before, dude.

MIKE: This is nice.

Backyard.

(BURPS)

(CLEARS THROAT)

(WAVES CRASHING, WIND WHOOSHING)

(CHILDREN CHATTERING)


(GASPS)

Oh, shit.

SCOTT: He always does this.

I'm surprised he can exist like this.

How do we know he's okay?

Well, he's not dead.

Listen.

He's not dead.

He's just passed out. It's a condition.

GARY: He really scared the shit out of that lady.

What causes it? Sex?

SCOTT: Narcolepsy doctors are saying it's brought on by certain chemical reactions in the brain.

Comes about in situations of stress.

Some hustler, huh?

(SCOTT SIGHS)

Well, where are we gonna take him?

We can't just leave him here.

Come on, Mikey.

(SNORING) (SIGHS)

Hey, Mike, you stay here.

When you wake up, come back into town. I'll be waiting for you.

You'll be safer here in this comfy neighborhood than in the city.

(COUPLE ARGUING) I grew up in a neighborhood like this.

And my dad...

He has more fucking righteous gall than all the property and people he lords over.

And those he also created. (SNORING CONTINUES)

Like me, his son.

But I almost get sick thinking I am a son to him.

You know you have to be as good as him to keep up.

You have to be able to lift as big a weight.

You have to be able to throw that weight as far.

Or make as much money, or be as heartless.

Hold your ground.

My dad doesn't know that I'm just a kid.

He thinks I'm a threat.

WOMAN: I won't listen to you!

GARY: Hey, Scotty! Come on, you big stud!

When you wake up, wipe the slugs off your face.

Get ready for a new day.


I never thought I could make it as a real model.

You know, fashion-oriented modeling.

'Cause I'm better at full-body poses.

It's all right so long as the photographer doesn't come on to you and expect something for nothing.

I'm trying to make a living.

I like to have a professional attitude.

Of course, if the guy can pay me then, hell, yeah!

Here I am for him. I'll sell my ass.

I'll do it on the street occasionally for cash.

Or I'll be on the cover of a book.

It's when you start doing things for free that you start to grow wings.

Isn't that right, Mike?

(SIGHS)

What? Wings, Michael.

You grow wings and become a fairy.

What do you care about money? Shit, you got plenty of money.

Why don't you just go ahead and do whatever it is that you do, I can only imagine what that is, for free?

Is that right, sweetie? (MAN WHISTLES)

So, how much is a lot of money, honey? (MAN SMOOCHING)

What are you doing on the cover of that magazine? Slumming?

Actually, Mikey's right.

I am going to inherit money.

A lot of money.

(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS)

(SIGHS)

(VEHICLE APPROACHING)

Hi.

What's happening? Nothing.

You want a lift?

A lift? Yes.

(SIGHS)

Isn't this that, uh, lady's car?

What's her name? Alena.

Is she a friend of yours? No, not really.

She's a very good friend of mine. Good.

Any friend of Alena is a good friend of mine.

(SNIFFLES)

You want to be my friend?

No.

My name is Hans.

I'm from Germany.

Now I live in America selling pieces for cars.

Mmm-hmm. Say, why don't you get in?

No.

I take you wherever you want to go.

Where you want to go?

Home.

HANS: Get in the car. No.

This guy's a pervert, I can tell, man.

Why don't you go home?

Go the fuck home.

(RAPID BREATHING)


How did we get home?

That German guy, Hans.

He brought you downtown. You were passed out.

He said he was heading to Portland, so I asked him for a ride.

For some reason, I'm forgetting a German guy named Hans.

Well, you were sleeping.

So, how much do you make off me when I'm asleep?

Just a ride, Mike.

I don't make anything.

What, you think I sell your body while you're asleep?

No, Mike, I'm on your side.

Gary's up here somewhere. He left about three days ago.

He flew up here with a hairdresser.

Exotic.

I heard something about Bob coming up here to town. Is that true?

You hear anything about that?

(SIGHS) Bob. Bob.

I don't know. I hope he's in town.

We'll have fun if Bob's in town.

Yeah, I wouldn't mind seeing him.

Hey, didn't you two have, like, a...

I kind of remember you having, like, this real heavy, uh...

Thing? Thing.

A heavy thing goin', right?

Yeah, we had a real heavy thing going. Huh.

He was fucking in love with me.

That's what I thought.

(SNIFFLES) Yes.

He taught me better than school did.

I love Bob more than my father.

I'd say I love Bob more than my mother and my father.

Yeah, I wouldn't mind seeing him.

I'm hoping that he comes to town.

SCOTT: Hey, you dick!

Scotty, my friend.

Oh, you... Hey. You like that, huh? You like that.

My new Nikes. My new bracelet.

It says Rudy, though, but that's cool.

My new Calvins.

What a dickhead.

(MAN LAUGHS)

So stupid.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING ON JUKEBOX)

(EXHALES)

Not when I'm eating. Don't blow it in my face.

It's the smoking section.

(CHOKES MOCKINGLY)

Um, this guy books up in a black Porsche around the corner.

Uh, I'm asking my friend if, you know, this guy's okay, if he's cool.

They say, "Yeah, he'll treat you really good.

"He'll, you know, he'll pay you what you want.

"He'll smoke weed with you. He'll do whatever."

I hadn't dated before or tricked, or done anything like that before, so I went with this guy and said, "Okay--"

WOMAN: Blow it off. (SIGHS)

BOY: "Let's go to the park. Let's go to Washington Park."

- So, I said, "Okay. That's cool. (SOBBING)

"Let's go to Washington Park then."

And all of a sudden, before I know it, I mean, I already laid down the law before I got into the car.

I told him what I do and what I don't do.

(SNIFFLES) So, we got up there, and he just started doing whatever he wanted.

My first date was in Portland. I was, um...

I was hanging out at the City Club.

I was frying really hard on acid and speed.

There was this big black guy who had a lot of 8-balls of speed and a lot of money.

And, um, he wanted to get his dick sucked.

And, um, I was pretty broke, and he offered me, like, 60 bucks and a bunch of speed.

So, I went up to his hotel...

I guess you're just gonna starve.

What she's feeling sorry for herself for? What's that all about?

So, the plan was that he was on the third floor.

So my buddy Scott would hang out on the street on a bench down there.

When I got up to his room, I was gonna toss the money out the window to Scott--

There's not really much I could do.

I was up in the woods, in a thicket.

I couldn't get out or anything like that. I wouldn't do what he wanted me to do.

So, he just kind of flipped out all over me.

He basically raped me.

He put a fuckin' wine bottle up my butt, right?

It was, like... It was, like, horrible.

So, we get up there in the room, and he, like, just...

He starts getting naked and jackin' off and shit.

And I start gettin' freaked out.

And I say, "No, I don't want to do this date."

I say, "Let's go down to the street, "and I'll get the money back from my friend Scott.

"And we'll just... We'll cancel it, right?"

So, we go down to the street to get the money back and Scott's, like, long gone, you know.

(CLATTERING) (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

What's this?

So we're hanging out, and I'm all, "Wait. He'll be right back.

"He'll be right back. Let's just wait for him."

So, we wait about five minutes, and he starts telling me about how he's gonna kick my fuckin' ass and shit.

And how my friend's gone, and how he's gonna fucking kill me and all this shit and beat me up.

So I had to go upstairs and do the date anyway.

And his black guy, he had a big old fucking cock and shit.

And, um, it was this totally awful experience.

And that was my first date.

I never did another one until, like, you know, a year later.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(POLICE SIREN WAILING)

BUDD: Jesus. The things we've seen.

Do you remember a thing since we moved from Graffiti Bridge?

No more of that, Budd.

Hey, Scotty! Here comes that fat guy!

He owes me money! SCOTT: Who?

You know, the fat one, Pigeon!

"I think that I shall never see

"a poem as lovely as a tree."

Hey, everybody!

There goes Bob the Chiseler!

Here comes Bob the Sewer!

The Thrasher!

I think my friends can see that I am back from Boise.

And the Listener!

GARY: Hey, everybody, look!

And more than that... GARY: Bob's back!

...my real father.

BUDD: Is Jane Lightwork alive, Bob?

BOB: She's alive, Budd.

BUDD: Is she holding on?

BOB: Old.

Old, Budd.

BUDD: She must be old.

She has no choice. (CHUCKLES)

Here comes Santa Claus!

GARY: Yeah!

Whoo!

BUDD: Jesus, the things we've seen.

Aren't I right, Bob? Aren't I right?

BOB: We have heard the chimes at midnight.

BUDD: That we have. That we have.

In fact, Bob, we have.

Jesus. The things we've seen.

SCOTT: Where's Bob? Crashed out in his room.

He is snoring like a horse.

(BOB SNORING)

(WHISPERING) What did you get?

MIKE: I think this is coke. I'm not sure though.

Yeah, it's fucking coke.

(BOB GASPS) (SNORTING) Oh, fuck!

What the hell? Scott.

My true son.

How are you?

What time is it? SCOTT: What do you care?

Why, you wouldn't even look at a clock unless hours were lines of coke, dials looked like the signs of gay bars, or time itself was a fair hustler in black leather.

Isn't that right, Bob?

(SNORTING) - There's no reason to know the time.

We are timeless.

Aren't you forgetting, Scotty, my boy, the mayor's son, no less, that we who steal,

do so at midnight?

Who ripped me off?

Budd!

(SCREAMS) Budd!

Yes, Bob?

I fell asleep, and I've been robbed!

(SCREAMS) Jane!

You'd think I could keep the peace of my house.

Jane! I know you well enough.

Bob! Bob, we'll find your drugs.

- We'll find them. (SNORTING)

This hotel is full of thieves, junkies!

You are the thief.

You have corrupted me, Scotty.

I was an innocent before I met you. (SCOTT SCOFFS)

And now look at me, just a little better than wicked.

I used to be a virtuous man. (SCOFFS)

Well, virtuous enough.

I swore a little.

I never gambled more than seven times a week!

Poker! I never picked up a street boy more than once a quarter.

Of an hour! BOB: Of an hour.

Bad company has corrupted me.

I'll be darned if I haven't forgotten what the inside of a church looks like.

I see a change for Bob to make. (GARY LAUGHS)

From stealing to preaching.

Stealing is my vocation, Scott.

It's not a sin for a man-- GARY: Hey! Psst.

...to labor at his vocation.

GARY: Very early tomorrow morning, there's gonna be a bunch of small-time rock-and-roll promoters coming back from their gig.

And every night they walk home with the loot.

They stop by the Grotto Bar. It's about a half--

No, it's about a mile down the road from here.

Dude, if we can't steal from them going into the bar, dude, we can get them comin' out!

See, Bob, dude? Not me.

BOB: So long as I don't know these guys personally, it's okay with me.

MIKE: See...

They're from Beaverton, new to the business.

(STAMMERS) See, I'm not gonna go along with this crackpot scheme, especially since Gary thought it up.

Come off it, Mike.

(COUGHING) There is a better way to make a buck, something to fall back on other than your ass.

I'll fall back when Scott inherits his money.

(COUGHING)

GARY: Bob, we don't need these guys.

We can do this ourselves. Fuck them!

Come on, Mikey. I have a joke I want to play.

Okay. A joke I can't pull off alone.

Okay.

I think that stuff was...

(BOB LAUGHS) Bob!

Oh, my sweetheart. Come and rob with us tomorrow.

I was going to anyway. I was just kidding.

Good. Right?

We'll have fun. All right.

We'll be rich!

Yeah, we'll be rich. We're gonna be rich.

Gary says we'll be rich! We're gonna be rich!

We're gonna be rich!

- We're gonna be rich! (GUNS CLICKING)

We're gonna be rich. We're gonna be rich. We're gonna be rich.

BOB: Ho! Ho! Ho!

Budd? Budd.

It's all right, Budd. Budd, just relax, Budd.

Provide for us, O Great Psychedelic Papa!

Scotty!

When you inherit your fortune on your 21st birthday...

Let's see.

How far away is this?

One week away, Bob.

Just one more week.

Let's not call ourselves robbers, but Diana's foresters, gentlemen of the shade, minions of the moon, men of good government.

When I turn 21, I don't want any more of this life.

My mother and father will be surprised at the incredible change.

It will impress them more when such a fuckup like me turns good, than if I had been a good son all along.

All my bad behavior I will throw away to pay a debt.

I will change when everybody expects it the least.

(SCOFFS) You'll become a head roller, a hatchet man for your old man.

SCOTT: No!

You will be the hatchet man, Bob!

That will be yourjob.

And so there will rarely be a job hatcheted.

It will all be just one endless party.

Won't it?

But at least my little friend has offered me a job.

They're so good to me.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(MANIACAL LAUGHTER)

How long has it been, Bob, since you could see your dick?

About four years, Scotty.

Four years of grief blows a man up like a balloon.

There's rock-and-roll money coming this way!

And they're drunk as skunks! (MANIACAL LAUGHTER)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

All right. All right. You four should head them off there.

BOB: We four? How many are walking with 'em?

SCOTT: There's five of 'em.

BOB: Five? Shouldn't they be robbing us?

All right. If they escape from you guys, Mike and I will get 'em here.

BOB: Eight feet of this muck's like 30 yards of flat road--

Would you guys shut up? Shut up! Pay attention.

Squat down! Squat down!

BOB: Squat down? You got a crane to lift me up?

(CHANTING NONSENSICALLY)

Where are our disguises? Right behind us.

Let's go. Okay.

PROMOTER: Who are these jokers, man? PROMOTER 2: Look like Rajneesh.

(CHANTING CONTINUES) (COUGHING)

This one looks like he's a little thirsty.

(LAUGHS)

Up against the wall, you sully scumbags!

PROMOTER: Don't shoot.

(LAUGHING)

(SCREAMING)

Up against the wall.

(CLAMORING)

PROMOTER: Don't shoot us. BOB: That's right.

(LAUGHS) (GUNSHOT)

(EXCLAIMING)

Okay, set the box down.

That's right. Thank you.

Nice and gently. Nice and gently.

Let's see what we have. (GUNSHOT)

Yes, my baby doll. Ooh.

Tickets, anyone, to next week's show?

Scott and Mike have disappeared.

Could the shots have scared them away?

Maybe we should get the hell out of here.

Are they such chickens?

(FIRECRACKERS CRACKLING) (SHOUTING)

(GROANS)

(SHOUTING)

The thieves scatter!

Bob Pigeon will sweat to death. (LAUGHTER)

Has anyone seen my son?

It's been a full three months since I last saw him. (SIGHS)

Where is my son Scott? We don't know, sir.

Ask around in Old Town, some of the taverns there.

Some say he frequently is seen down there drinking with street denizens.

Some who they say even rob our citizens and store owners.

I can't believe that such an effeminate boy supports such friends.

(CAR HORNS BLARING)

Hey, Mikey, how long have I been here on the streets, on this crusade?

Huh. Well, I came back to town around three-and-a-half years ago and that's when I met you. So, it's been...

It's been three years, Mike.

Yeah, almost four years. That's a long time.

What I'm getting at, Mike, is that we're still alive.

Yeah. Well, that's obvious, isn't it?

Yeah. It's incredibly obvious. (LAUGHS)

They could drop a big old bomb on this city.

Know what we would do?

Take shelter?

(TIRES SCREECHING)

This bike was caught with much ease, Mike.

Yes.

And the reward for the joke that we played last night will be the unbelievably huge lies that Bob will come up with now.

A plague on all cowards!

What's up, Bob?

Where have you been?

Where have I been?

If manhood's not forgotten on the face of the earth, then I'm a shot herring.

You sit down, you little fuck.

A mayor's son.

If I jog you out of that right and teach you to be a man, your father would be as proud of me as he would you, Scotty!

Why, you whoring round man.

What is the matter?

Are you not a coward?

Answer that.

And that goes double.

You calling me a coward? You fat duck.

I'd give $1,000 to be able to run as fast as you can.

It'll never happen, Bob.

Where's the money, Bob?

Where is it?

Taken from us by 20 or 30 punks. Thirty?

- I was struggling with a dozen of them. (LAUGHS)

I think my arm's broken from the fight.

Certainly a toe. Most definitely a rib. (LAUGHING)

Let me tell you about it.

SCOTT: Tell us about it, please.

We four set upon a dozen of 'em.

Sixteen, at least, Digger, my boy.

Yeah, and got their money.

And then as we were splitting it, 16 others set upon us.

Thank God you had not murdered some of them.

Murdered?

Well, they are past praying for.

I peppered two of them.

Two punks in leather jackets. SCOTT: What?

I'll tell you, son. These four came in close.

You said there were two-- Four!

I said there were four, Scott.

Four.

These four came from the front, kicking at me, pulling their knives.

And I whipped out the blade and took all seven as a target, like this!

Seven! Just a second ago, there were four.

In leather?

No, Bob, my friend. There was four of 'em, and they all had leather on.

Seven, by my count.

Leave him alone. We shall have more soon. (LAUGHS)

As I was saying, these nine in the alleyway that I told you about...

There's more already, I see.

Nine?

Full force, and with thought, seven of the 11 I pegged!

There are 11 now. He started with two. BOB: But, as the devil would have it, three of them came at my back.

They were wearing green.

And they had it out with me.

Because it was so dark, Scotty, that you could not see your hand.

(LAUGHING)

How could you see green when it was so dark that you couldn't see your hand?

(MIKE AND GARY CHUCKLING)

Tell us the reason.

Come on, Bob. Tell us!

Come on, Bob! Tell us the reason, Bob!

Tell us why. You can tell 'em. Go on and tell 'em.

Upon compulsion?

WOMAN: Come on, Bob.

Not for you or I or all the rest of the world would I tell you on compulsion!

I will no longer be guilty of this sin!

This sanguine coward, this horseback-breaker, this huge hill of jelly!

(LAUGHTER) (BOB GROWLING)

Punk! You starfish!

Oh, for breath to utter what lies of a tailor's yardstick!

You boot case! You vile punk!

Breathe a while, and then do it again.

But hear me out.

We two saw you four set upon five.

And, Bob, you carried yourself away at the slightest noise.

(LAUGHTER)

And roared for mercy.

And ran and roared as ever I heard a bull calf.

(LAUGHTER)

What trick, what device can you find, to hide from this open and apparent shame?

MIKE: Yes.

What new trick do you have for us now, Bob?

(LAUGHTER)

Good Lord, lads.

I know you as well as he that made you.

Do you think that I would kill the heir apparent?

Do you think I would turn on you, Scotty?

Why, you're our only ticket out of this poverty and oppression.

I am as valued as Hercules.

But beware my instinct.

The lion will not touch the true heir.

(LAUGHTER) Good Lord, lads.

I'm glad you have the money.

(LAUGHTER)

(BANGING)

If we're looking for a fat man, why don't we just get one under the bridge?

Oh! Oh!

The sheriff and his posse are here.

(MURMURING)

Scotty, they've come to search the house. Shall I let them in?

Call in the sheriff!

(ALL CLAMORING) (DOGS BARKING)

Oh, God, what's that smell?

Hey! Hey!

Over there! Over there!

Come here!

(SCOTT MOANING)

SCOTT: Baby, yeah.

(MOANING CONTINUES)

(BED CREAKING)

SCOTT: Wait, wait, wait! Wait, wait, wait!

(GRUNTING)

Ah-ha!

What have we here?

Pardon me, Mr. Favor.

An informant has followed certain men into this house.

What men? One of them is well-known, sir.

A large fat man.

Fat as butter.

Well, he's not here.

But if I see him, I'll promise you that I'll send him to you by dinnertime tomorrow to answer against any such charges.

So, would you leave us alone?

You! Sorry for the interruption.

We have a message for you from your father.

He'd like to see you as soon as possible.

Fuck you.

I don't know whether it is God trying to get back at me for something I have done, (SIGHS) but your passing through life makes me certain that you are marked and that heaven is punishing me for my mistreatings.

When I got back from France and set foot in Clark County and saw what your cousin, Bill Davis, had done at his family's ranch, I thought, "By my soul, "he has more worthy interest to my estate than you could hold a candle to."

And being no older than you are, he organizes operations for state senators, lobbies for the small businessman, and has an ambitious five-year plan for the forest that even I would like to support.

(SIGHS) And then I have to think of you, and what a degenerate you are.

Don't think that, Father.

You will find out it's not true.

And I hope that somebody forgives the people that have swayed your fond thoughts away from me.

For a time will come when I will make this northern youth trade me his good deeds for my indignities.

Bill Davis is my good cousin.

But even the slightest worship of his time...

Dad,

I will die

100,000 deaths before that happens.

(GROANS)

(RAPID HEARTBEAT)


I wanna see my face on the front of album covers.

I wanna produce my own music.

You know, I just want total control over my music.

I wanna engineer it. I wanna mix it.

You know, I wanna get my own say on opening bands.

Then I'd like to, like, stand in back of bigger pictures of myself.

SCOTT: That's good.

And you?

I don't care.

Where should we go?

MIKE: To visit my brother.

You have a brother?

Yeah, I've got a brother, man.

You know that.

Where is he?

Well, I'm thinking he should be someplace in, uh, the potato state.

Idaho.

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

SCOTT: Shut up, Mike.

If I'd known it'd be this hard to start, I wouldn't have stopped it at all.

MIKE: I've been on this road before.

This is my road.

Looks like a fucked-up face.

Like it's saying, "Have a nice day" or something.

See what I mean, Scott.

(PANTING)

Scott, look.

Thanks.

What?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

You need some help with this, man? Shut up.

You shut up.

You suck.

Hold on. Do you know anything about bikes?

Yeah, I've turned over a few.

Scott, man, where are you going?

Getting away from everything feels good.

Yeah, it does.

When I left home, the maid asked me where I was off to.

I said, "Wherever, whatever.

"Have a nice day."

You had a maid?

Yeah.

If I had a normal family and a good upbringing, then I would have been a well-adjusted person.

(CHUCKLES)

Depends on what you call normal.

Yeah, it does.

Well, you know, normal, like a mom and a dad and a dog and shit like that. Normal. Normal.

So you didn't have a normal dog?

No, I didn't have a dog.

You didn't have a normal dad?

Didn't have a dog or a normal dad anyway.

(SNIFFLES)

That's all right.

I don't feel sorry for myself.

I mean, I feel like I'm, you know, well-adjusted.

(LAUGHS) What's a normal dad?

I don't know.

I'd like to talk with you.

I mean, I'd like to really talk with you.

We're talking right now, but, you know...

I don't know. I don't feel like I can be...

I don't feel like I can be close to you.

I mean, we're close.

Right now we're close, but, I mean, you know...

(STAMMERS)

How close? I mean...

I don't know. Whatever.

What?

What do I mean to you?

What do you mean to me?

Mike, you're my best friend.

I know, man. And I know I'm your friend.

We're good friends. And it's good to be, you know, good friends.

That's a good thing.

So?

So, I just...

(SIGHS)

That's okay.

We can be friends.

I only have sex with a guy for money.

Yeah, I know.

And two guys can't love each other.

Yeah.

Well, I don't know.

I mean, for me...

I could love someone even if I...

You know, wasn't paid for it.

I love you

and you don't pay me.

(SIGHS)

Mike.

I really want to kiss you, man.

Good night, man.

I love you, though.

You know that.

I do love you.

All right. Come here, Mike.

It's just like...

Come on.

Just go to sleep. Come on.

(THUNDER BREAKS, WIND WHOOSHING)

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

MIKE: Oh, shit!

Oh, shit!

Oh, man! Looks like this is it.

Can't get the bike started. Cops are coming.

Stuck in the middle of nowhere. MIKE: Yeah?

SCOTT: With a stolen bike. Yeah, Mike.

Looks like this is the end. (LAUGHS)

Matter with your friend? (SIGHS)

I don't know.

- I guess he doesn't like cops. OFFICER: Oh, yeah?

That's how it looks.

What are you guys doing out here?

This cycle is one bitch to turn over, man.

But I guess you don't know anything about motorcycles, huh?

You're not a motorcycle cop.

I've turned over a few.

(ENGINE REVVING)

Wake up, Mikey. The heat's off. (SNORING)

Look, Mike, sandwiches.

Thanks, man.

Did I ever show you this picture of you and Mom?

That was taken out by the institution.

We used to go out to that place on the weekends to see 'em.

You were about one year old at the time, I think.

I hated that fucking place.

Scott, how do you have a kid this young in an institution?

What does that mean? "Why were you in an institution?"

Is that what you're askin' me? I'm asking you.

Because of Mom.

They didn't think she was safe.

But we were still a family.

Me, you and Mom.

(SNORING)

(TRAIN HORN BLOWING)

Where you going?

Pisser.


(FLUSHES)

RICHARD: Don't give me any of your shit.

- Don't give me any of your shit! MIKE: Dick! Dick!

RICHARD: I don't wanna hear any of your shit!

Dick! Dick!

How dare you talk to me like that? Dick!

He's all right. This happens every time we get together.

You want a drink?

Yes.

RICHARD: You like those?

I paint 'em for a livin'.

Sometimes when they're finished, the people don't send me the check, so I keep 'em, you know.

I kinda like them hangin' around. They keep me company.


RICHARD: I want you to know the truth about your mother.

I know the truth about my mother.

I mean the real truth.

I know. You don't know.

You wanna go around through life believing the lies?

Is that what you want?

Listen to me when I'm talking to you.

You know, she used to go out at night and look for men when I was asleep.

She'd go out to different bars, you know.

She'd shake her ass at anybody that was interested.

That's how she met that guy from Reno, that low-life, gamblin' cowboy fuck.

He worked at one of those big casinos in Vegas.

He got fired for fuckin' with the cards.

He was a real scumbag.

But your mother loved him.

She loved him.

She had it in her head that she wanted to marry this guy and go off with him and have a little family with the house and the white picket fence and the dog and the fuckin' station wagon. All that shit.

But he didn't want to marry her.

He didn't love her.

That's around the time that you were born.

But he said no.

She used to have this gun. It was, uh, Smith & Wesson

.38 revolver.

And she loved this gun.

She loved this gun. She used to sleep with it.

She used to stir-fry the vegetables with the loaded gun.

I remember, I used to say, "Sharon, what're you doin'?

"You stir-frying the vegetables with the gun?

"You're gonna blow a hole through the frying pan."

So, one night she goes to the drive-in movie with this cowboy fuck.

(SIGHS)

Jesus Christ.

What the fuck was the name of that movie now?

It was a western. - Rio Bravo?

Right, Rio Bravo. It was a John Wayne movie.

During the movie, she takes this gun, sticks it in his mouth and blows his brains out.

Rio Bravo on the big screen.

John Wayne on his horse, ridin' through the desert.

Spilled popcorn all over the front seat, soakin' up the blood.

Oh, come on, man. How corny.

RICHARD: This is why she had to leave.

(CHILDREN CHATTERING)

And that guy...

That guy is your real father.

Don't fuck me in the head anymore, man!

I know the fucking truth! I know who my fucking real dad is!

Who is it? Who? Who?

Dick, you!

Richard, you're my dad. I know that.

You know too much.

She doesn't want to see me like this, man.

I got this from her, I don't know, a few months ago.

MIKE: Fuckin' got blood all over it. Did you cut your hand?

Stupid.

"Dear Honey, found a job in the lounge of the family tree in snake river."

"If you're ever out this way, look me up. Love, Mom."

"Rooms, phones, color TV.

"Wall-to-wall carpeting, and efficiently-controlled electric heat, "combination tub and showers, game table.

"And two reading chairs, with some connecting rooms."

It sounds so nice.

I wouldn't mind living here.

I'm gonna look her up, man. (SOBBING)

MAN: Sharon. Sharon.

There was a Sharon who worked here about a year ago, but she split.

Saved up all her money and headed for Italy.

To Italy? Yeah, Italy.

Took her forever to save any cash, but she finally did it and flew away.

Said she was lookin' for her family. Guess she was Italian.

She didn't look Italian, though.

She left us this address.

"Sharon Waters, Via Casoli, Settevene."

Rome... Roma? Rome. She's in Rome, Italy.

There's that guy. What guy?

Guy who gave us a ride from Portland.

Oh, yeah. What's his name? What's he doing here?

I don't know. Is his name Hans? Hans.

That's it, as usual. Thank you very much.

Scott.

Mike. Hey.

How nice to run into you boys.

How have you been?

Good?

See you later.

407.

Mike?

MIKE: What?

I'm extremely excited.

I just got in. Could you please wait your turn?

HANS: But don't you want anything to eat, Mike?

We are ordering room service, yes?

Room service?

Yeah. Four orders of large French fries, extra crispy, and some Coke.

And that's all.

That makes four portion of French fries, very crispy, and a large Coke.

Is that correct now, Mike? MIKE: Ja.

- Ja. Ja. HANS: Thank you very much, Mike.

Thank you.

Thank you. HANS: See you soon.

What? HANS: See you soon.

Yeah, right.

I must show you something.

My mother.

Heaven bless her soul.

She died seven years ago.

She's very beautiful.

I think so.

You want to see it?

She looks just like you.

Thank you.

Well, what do we have?

You know, before I was selling pieces for cars, I was a performer.

Great time I had, being on many stages-- Put it on.

Yes? You like it?

SCOTT: Yeah. Okay.

Let's make some room.

Put out the light.

Turn on the music.

(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS)

(LIP-SYNCHING GERMAN AUDIO)


(MUSIC STARTS PLAYING)

(LAUGHS)

(SINGING IN ENGLISH)

Whoo!


(MUSIC STOPS)

(CLAPPING)

Thank you very much. Long time ago.

(PANTING) Well, tell me something.

How did you boys get so far?

To Idaho?

I only left you in Portland a couple of days ago, right?

We rode on our trusty motorcycle.

And what brings you to this exciting Family Tree Inn?

Business.

Business?

Business.

What kind of business?

We're selling motorcycles.

(IMITATES ENGINE REVVING)

Okay.

Let's go down, us, for some...

Business, right?


(VEHICLE APPROACHING)


Hello.

You know why I stopped you?

You was going too fast for this road.

For going too fast on this road, I'm gonna give you a ticket.

A speeding ticket.

Do you like your bike?

Well, I'm still gonna give you a ticket.

What's your name?

Hans. Hans?

Kline. Kline?

K-L-I...

Do you have any baggage?

Hans.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Enjoy your flight. Thanks.

(VEHICLE SIRENS BLARING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)


(ALL CHATTERING IN ITALIAN)

Mike! Mike, over here!

(BELL TOLLING)

So, what did they want?

I told them to take care of you while I got a taxi.


Mom?

Scusa.

Hi.

Is this your house?

What?

Um...

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

No, this is my uncle's house.

But he's not here now.

Oh.

My name is Scott.

Scott.

My name is Carmella.

How do you do?

How do you do?

I...

Good.

Mom?

An American woman?

Yeah, do you know her?

Yeah.

Um, but is not true that she lives here.

It isn't true?

No, she...

She left a long time ago.

Back to America.

Oh, shit.

(SIGHS) Was she your friend?

Yeah. She lived here, and 'cause I wanted to learn English, she taught it to me.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh. Well...

Your English is very good.

Oh, this is my friend.

This is Mike.

Mike. Mike?

Michael.

Hi. Carmella.

Hi. She knows your mom.

Really? Where?

No, she...

I'll be right back.

Uh, Mike? MIKE: Mom!

(SOBBING)

(SIGHS)

My mom's house was blue.

(SIGHS)

No, it was green.

It was green.

How could I forget that?

(MIKE SCATTING)


(SIGHS)

Thanks for comin' all this way, though, man.

I'm ready to leave whenever you are.

(SNORTING)

(BLEATING)


(CARMELLA AND SCOTT CHATTERING IN ITALIAN)

SCOTT: Grande! CARMELLA: Tanta fame?

- Tanta tanta? - Tanta what?

- Tanta fame? Oh, yeah.

You know what "fame" is? SCOTT: Hungry.

CARMELLA: Hungry. SCOTT: Hungry.

(CLATTERS) Sorry.

Bacio.

Bacio.

Bacio.

Bacio.

This is bacio.

(EXHALES)

(BOTH LAUGH)

(MOANING)

(BED CREAKING RHYTHMICALLY)

(SCOTT AND CARMELLA LAUGHING)


What is it?

It's nothing.

No? Okay.

Come on. No. Stay, please.

All right. Look.

There is a castagna here inside.

La castagna?

- Castagna. - Castagna.

La castagna.

Know what it's for?

(STAMMERS)

If they were bigger, you could eat.

If they're bigger.

I understand.

Do you?

Yes.

I know how you feel.

(SNIFFLES)

I think I fall in love.

(BED CREAKING)

(CARMELLA MOANING)

(SCOTT LAUGHING)

I'm gonna take a little time off.

You know.

Maybe I'll run into you down the road.

There's some cash. That's your share from the bike.

I fell in love, Mike.

I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry we didn't find your mom.

(ENGINE REVVING)

(SNIFFLES)

Scott.

(BARKING)


(BELL RINGING)

(MAN SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Hmm?

(SPEAKS ITALIAN) Mmm-hmm.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

What?

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Tuo fisico.

(SPEAKS ITALIAN)

(EXCLAIMING)

(QUESTIONING IN ITALIAN)

(RAPID BREATHING)

(SNORING)

(SNORING)

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Signore. Signore.

Wake up.

We are in the Portland Airport.

We're here. Wow.

Whoa.


(CAR HORN HONKS)

Oh, man. Where were you?

Forty D's?

So, how's your wife?

You're not very talkative tonight, man.

That's cool.

Where we goin'?

HOMER: (ON TV) That should just about do it.

Man alive, there's nothing better than a hamburger grilled to perfection--

(EXPLOSION)

Cool, man.

HOMER: Your burgers are getting cold--

Holy moly!

(LAUGHING)

(SCREAMING ON TV)

(LAUGHS)


(LAUGHING)

(COW MOOS)


GEORGE: Bob. Hey, Bob.

Que pasa, man?

I bring great tidings and much joy.

George.

What blew you in?

Remember that rotgut shit we used to drink on the streets, the wino wine?

Well, I got three jugs hidden in a bush on 82nd.

We're talkin' hardcore fun, man.

All we need to do is put a ride together to the bush and we're in business.

I'm afraid if I shared your wine I might catch this awful disease you appear to have.

My jacket would grow little zippers all over it, and my toes would have jingle bells on them like those there.

Bob, chill out.

Is it true that you're the greatest man on the street, that you own the street?

That is correct.

Well, then you can get us a ride to see God.

Do it.

If it isn't Scotty Favor himself.

Dressed in a three-piece suit, and looking every bit a gentleman!

Who, man?

Scott Favor.

(LAUGHS) He's run headlong into his inheritance.

George, Budd, Mike.

We have waited for this day to come.

MAN: Scotty, I haven't seen you in a dog's age.

You're lookin' well. So grown up.

Scotty, I'd like you to meet Tiger Warren. He's with Muchisimo Mas restaurants.

Tiger, Scotty Favor.

Jack Favor's son? Hello, I'm pleased to meet you.

Awfully sorry about your father. Oh, that's really all right. He, uh...

The family has taken it very hard, but we live on with his memory.

Scott, you ever considered a political career?


Come, George. Watch this.

You'll see the reception that I get.

It's true, we're drawing attention to ourselves, but Scotty will witness that I'm dying to see him and it won't matter how we're dressed.

God save you!

God save you, my sweet boy.

(WOMAN LAUGHING)

Scotty, my own true friend!

I mean you, Scotty.

It's me, Bob!

SCOTT: I don't know you, old man.

Please leave me alone.

When I was young, and you were my street tutor and instigator for my bad behavior, I was planning a change.

There was a time when I had the need to learn from you, my former and psychedelic teacher.

And although I love you more dearly than my dead father, I have to turn away.

Now that I have, and until I change back,

don't come near me.

O-U-T. Out.

(SHUDDERING)

God.

(GRUNTS) God!

(SHOUTS) God?


Pigeon.

Scott Favor broke his heart.

(SNIFFLING) Sure is quiet.

(WHIMPERING)

He's either in heaven or hell now.

JANE: Be sure it isn't to hell.

He's tried to be an honest sort.

I'm the one who heard him cry out last night.

He said, "God, "God, God," three or four times.

And when I got there, I put my hand into the bed and felt his feet.

And they were cold as stones.

And I checked the rest of his body, and it, too, was as cold as stone.

PRIEST: In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost, Amen.

"I am the resurrection and the life," sayeth the Lord.

"He that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live.

"And whoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die.

"Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon Earth

"where moths and rust do corrupt

"and where thieves break through and steal.

"But lay up for yourselves treasures in Heaven

"where neither moth nor rust corrupt, "and where thieves do not break through and steal.

"For where your treasure is, there shall your heart be also.

- "I know that my redeemer liveth. (INDISTINCT SINGING)

"Whom I shall see for myself and mine eyes shall behold.

"Be not deceived. God is not mocked.

"For whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.

(ALL SINGING MOURNFULLY)

"For he that soweth to his flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption."

(SINGING LOUDLY)

(SCREAMING) Bob!

(ALL SHOUTING)

PRIEST: "But he that soweth to the Spirit

"shall of the Spirit reap life everlasting.

"And let us not be weary in well-doing, "For in due season..."

ALL: (CHANTING) Bob! Bob! Bob!

PRIEST: "And their going from us to be utter destruction."

Bob! Bob! Bob!

Bob! Bob! Bob!

George!

(WAVES CRASHING)

(WIND WHOOSHING)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

MIKE: I'm a connoisseur of roads.

(SNIFFLES)

Been tasting roads my whole life.

This road will never end.

It probably goes all around

the world.

(BODY THUDS)


(VEHICLE APPROACHING)

(ENGINE STOPS)

(SNORING)


(TRUCK RECEDING)


English - SDH