Mystery Team (2009) Script

Hi! My name's Buddy. I'm your new neighbor.

Hi. I'm Alan.

Mighty nice house you got here, Alan.

Mind if I take a look around?

Uh, s-sure.

Great!

Grownups, houses.

Oh, this is great.

[gasp] Decorative pillows?

What is this, the White House?

I don't know.

The door's locked.

McGinty, you clever dog.

I guess I'll just have to break it down, then, with brute force! Ow!

Oh. The window's open.

I probably knocked it open when I hit the door with my shoulder.

Now, where's this Old Man McGinty I keep hearing about?

You mean my father? He's asleep.

Oh, really?

Because I heard evil never sleeps.

What was that?

Oh, nothing. I was just admiring your bulbs.

40 watt, eh?

It's like Buckingham Palace in here.

Uh, let's walk.

Okay. Let's search for clues.

What's there to do in town?

I don't know because I just moved here.

I haven't lived here in years.

I just came back to help my father.

With what, the house? The yard?

The murders?

What? Did you say murders?

Whoa! Paper plates. Ha ha!

You expecting the pope? Very classy.

How old are you anyway?

You look kind of young to be buying a house.

Can I have that in writing? Ha ha ha!

Oh, we are laughing.

[heavy breathing]

Mystery Team?

Mystery Team.

[breathing heavily]

What's my job?

Dish...washer.

[screaming]

Aah! Aah!

Hey! Hey! What the hell is going on here?

Oh, boys! Boys!

What are you doing in here?

I am so sorry. These are my sons--

Benny and The Jets.

I expected this from you, Benny, but, The Jets!

I'm calling the police.

No need.

We're the Mystery Team.

Oh.

My father told me about you guys.

Listen, I know when you were younger, my father was probably cranky and liked to be left alone, but he is pretty sick now, and I'm taking care of him.

This isn't some spooky house.

There are no dastardly plans.

Just a sick old man on a respirator.

So could you please leave my father to pass in peace?

Sorry.

Sorry.

Your father was a great man.

[clatter]

[shouting]

Why'd you do it, McGint--?

Sorry.


[ringing]

Jason, Jason, come quick!

There's a mystery afoot!

Somebody stuck their fingers in Mrs. Kimmel's pie.

What kind of pie, Jamie?

Boysenberry!

[beep]

Duncan. Come in, Duncan.

Duncan here.

We got a code 44 at Mrs. Kimmel's house.

Affirmative.

[bones cracking]

Ohh.

Yeah, I did that.

Charlie. Come in, Charlie.

Code 44 at Mrs. Kimmel's house.

I'm on it.

Still warm.

That means it was hot when someone stuck their finger in there.

There's only one kid crooked enough to do this but young enough not to know it would burn you.

Eric McDonald.

Joshua McDonald. Eric McDonald.

Eric McDonald.

And we know his spot.

[high voice] Hi. My name's Sammy.

I'm new to this school.

Know where I can get some pie around here?

Ah, fuck, the Mystery Team.

Ha ha!

I gotcha.

Of course you got me, motherfucker.

You're 18.

If any teachers ask where Eric went, tell them three grownups took him off the playground to teach him a lesson about sticking his finger in things.

Eww.

Yep. Boysenberry, all right.

Only one question remains, Eric.

Why'd you do it?

I'll bet you he gets his kicks giving old ladies the heebie-jeebies.

Hell, no. I wanted to see if it felt like pussy, like in that movie.

Yeah.

Well, you learned your lesson, so try and stay on the straight and narrow this time.

Okay?

He's a good kid at heart.

Faggots.

Hey, Dad, can I have the car keys?

[car alarm beeps]

There go three virgins.


[bell rings]

Excuse me. Is this the principal's office?

Come in, Jason.

Oh, no, no, no, no. I am not Jason.

I am Jason's father, and I just came down here to say that he will be punished, so there is no need to suspend him or call me, Jason's father.

I get a frantic call from Mr. Daniels over at Wilson Elementary, telling me that one of his students was taken off the premises by you.

Do you know how serious that is?

Oh, Jason, Jason, Jason.

Can you believe I'm his father?

Jason, I mean.

Jason, take off the mustache.

We meet again, old friend.

Sorry I'm late, everybody.

My science teacher says my thesis needs to prove something, but I think listing all the dinosaurs proves there was a lot of dinosaurs.

Duncan, we got the yearbooks in today, and some of the staff was a little confused.

Why'd you fuck us?

Oh, my Trivia Corner.

You guys are stumped, huh?

There's actually an answer key in the back.

No one said you could have a Trivia Corner.

Well, Caleb, I just saw there was a blank page, so I figured-- You're an asshole.

Look, we're trying to sell yearbooks.

I figured people would want to match wits with the boy genius.

You're not a boy genius.

You just got a book of some Wacky Facts in second grade and memorized them because no one wants to be your friend except those two retards on your Mystery Team.

Catch you guys later.

C-Catch you guys later.

Can you help me get started on the ramp?

I'll do you one better.

Just-- I got it. I'm so close.

Let me stay on the ramp.

Dude, dude, dude, Hold on, hold on!

You all right.

Yeah. Thank you.

I must work on that stuff.

Hey, man, can you stop staring at us in the halls?

It's creepy.

Yeah, okay.

See you at practice.

No, you won't. You're not on the team.

You can't just say that.

Look, I know when you were younger, the whole town, myself included, was very amused by you and the Mystery Kids.

Mystery Team, okay?

Mystery Team.

People used to call us heroes.

And it really razzes my berries when people don't take us seriously.

I mean, look how big my magnifying glass is.

Your head's big.

Put that down. That's enough.

You're an adult now. Act like one.

You're excused.

I cannot wait to graduate in a month.

I'm so tired of school.

Yeah, I wish they'd all disappear like the Lost Colony of Roanoke.

They'd probably go "What's Roanoke?" and I'd go "Shut up, Caleb."

All we need is one big case before people start respecting us again, like people did when we were 7.

People respect us.

Charlie, where's your book bag?

Uh, some kids took it and filled it with dirt.

Oh, hi, Mom. Hi.

Hi, Mrs. Rogers. You look nice.

Thank you, Charlie.

Yeah, when I look at you, it feels like my body's smiling, you know?

Yeah.

So got any plans tonight, honey?

Going out? Maybe a party with girls there?

Oh, yuck, Mom.

Oh, hey, Dad.

Where are you going all dressed up like that?

Union meeting about a strike.

I can't believe they sold the lumber yard to this Holden & Charles, knowing full well that's the only thing keeping this town alive.

I'm going to get put out of work by these assholes.

[Mom] Darryl. Hey, Dad, Mom wants me to go to a party with girls there.

Can you say gross?

I can say disappointed.

Gross.

Oh, that little girl's back.

[Jason] What?

She's been coming by all afternoon.

Something about a mystery.

A client.

I wish we had a girl.

Hi. Are you the Mystery Team?

The original and best.

I'm Brianna. I have a mystery for you to solve.

Here's a dime.

What can we do for you, ma'am?

Just fill out this form real quick.

Mark the box by the appropriate mystery.

There's lost kitten, hopscotch dispute, sack lunch fraud.

Kids your age are our best customers and also guilty of nearly 100% of the cases we solve.

Whatever it is, we can handle it.

Can you find out who killed my parents?

They got killed last night.

They took Mommy's ring.

It was really old and special because it was Grandma's.

I'm going to go have a word with my two partners.

Is that okay?

[laughing] Okay.

Oh, my geez.

I know.

Who's going to tell her we can't help her?

What? What are you talking about?

This is exactly what we wanted-- a real case.

This isn't a real case, okay?

This is just some sad little kid.

And besides, the Mystery Team doesn't solve murders.

Are you kidding?

What does it say on our sign?

We'll also work for fruit roll-ups.

The other sign.

No case too hard, no case too tough. But that's not--

What's harder and tougher than a murder?

Then people will know we're legitimate.

What are we going to do, huh?

Just walk into the police station and tell them we're taking the case?

They'll just laugh at us.

That's why we won't tell the police.

Oh, no. Now you're starting to sound like Dad.

You guys are worse than the principal.

Everyone's saying that we can't do this.

Well, I say we can.

Let's show them that we're detectives-- grown-up detectives solving grown-up mysteries.

Mystery Team?

Mystery Team.

Mystery Team.

[Young woman] Brianna!

Jesus, Brianna.

I told you not to wander away from me like that.

I've been looking for you for, like, 20 minutes.

I'm sorry. Can we help you?

I'm sorry if she bothered you.

You cannot go off the street like that, okay?

This is my sister Kelly.

That's enough.

I'm sorry about what happened.

If you need a place to stay, we keep an extra sleeping bad under the stand in case of emergencies.

We're staying with a work friend of my dad's until Child Services figures out what to do with us.

Yeah, it's, uh, probably better.

It's a big house on the hill.

Come on.

Actually, um, we'd like to take a statement.

What?

Oh, uh, I'm sorry.

We're the Mystery Team.

We solve mysteries, and your sister, um, hired us to find out who... killed.

Listen, she's 8 years old.

She thinks Mommy and Daddy are on a long vacation in heaven, okay?

So just let it go.

But we can help. We're real detectives.

No, thanks.

We can get your ring back.

Yay!

Baby, you have to forget about the ring, okay?

It's special. It's not special.

The only thing I'm worried about right now is you.

We can get your ring back.

I promise.

Big house up on a hill.

Maybe they're staying at that place up on Cedar Street?

Yeah, it's great.

I mean, it's not great that her parents died.

It's great for the case that she lives so close and that she sleeps... right there.

Okay. Let's show them what the old Mystery Team can do.

The old Mystery Team never solved a murder.

What about the time that frog got run over?

That's not the same thing.

Yes, it is.

A crime is a crime, from the tiniest marble that rolls down a storm drain to an autographed baseball that rolls down a storm drain.

Now who's doing this?

Because I'm in.

I'm in.

To the storm drain.

No, Charlie. No.

Okay.

Now remember, this is murder, so we're looking at older suspects-- grades 4 through 6-- kids who have been lost in the system.

Maybe it's Jimmy Miller.

He's been hot ever since the "two milks at lunch" incident.

My money's on Joey Cartwright.

He's got nothing to lose.

Wrote "penis" on his arm in permanent ink.

Fellas, I think we found our guy.

He's a little out of our age range, but in all of Oakdale, there's only one fiend dastardly enough for murder.

[all] Old Man McGinty.

He still live in that spooky old house on Sycamore Street?

Ha ha ha!

Does water boil at 100 degrees Celsius?

It does.

Good.

Then he lives there, then.

[shouting]

Why'd you do it, McGint--

Well, it looks like crankiness runs in the McGinty family.

Yeah. We can definitely rule out Old Man McGinty as a suspect.

Yeah. He couldn't murder anyone.

He's practically a corpse himself.

Practically a corpse himself.

I think we're going to have to rule out all the usual suspects.

Even Billy Meyers.

What? I know.

He punched a dog in the face.

But murder is an entirely different game.

Yeah. Besides, he couldn't murder anyone.

He's practically a corpse himself.

Yeah, we got it, Charlie.

Okay, okay.

Tomorrow we hit the ground running, take this on like real detectives.

Oh, are we going to visit the scene of the crime?

Better.

Ha ha ha!

Clues.

Thank you for your cooperation.

"The double homicide of Karen and Barton Peters

"has left the Oakdale Police baffled.

"At approximately 5:45 a.m., "the couple was shot fatally in their home

"at 42 Maple Hill Road.

"A vehicle was heard speeding off.

"The Chief of Police said in a statement

"all preliminary signs indicate

"that this was a robbery attempt.

"Peters moved to Oakdale with his family one week ago

"to represent the Holden & Charles Corporation in negotiations regarding the ongoing lumber strike."

This doesn't give us any names.

How are we supposed to find suspects?

Want me to go down to the playground?

Bust a few heads?

No, no, no, no, no.

We got to do this by the book.

Let's get a statement from Brianna.

She might know something.

[Brianna] I'll get it, Mrs. Finney.

The Mystery Team.

Can we come in, Brianna? We have a few questions we'd like to ask.

Sure.

Okay, Brianna, we're going to do something called good cop-bad cop.

It's like a game.

I'm going to pretend to be mean, but it's just part of the game, okay?

Wipe that smile off your face. You think this is a game?

I-- Oh. No, no, no, no, no.

I'm just pretending, remember?

Okay, now Duncan's going to come in, and he's going to be the good cop.

That'll be fun, right? Okay.

My partner.

The guy's an animal, right?

You doing okay? Can I get you anything?

Apple juice?

You know, I can make this real easy.

All right, the gloves are coming off.

[giggling]

Brianna?

What the hell are you guys doing?

Are these friends of yours, Kelly?

No. Better. We're the Mystery Team.

My name's Jason, the master of disguise.

I'm Duncan, the boy genius.

And I'm Charlie, the strongest kid in town.

Ow!

Ohh!

What is wrong with you?

Sorry. Sorry.

They're my friends.

Oh, boy. Let's clean you up.

Honey, get some paper towels.

Why are you here?

Now just relax, okay?

We were just shaking your sister down--

Out. Now.

Hey.

Is that your book?

Yeah. Great detective work.

Now can you leave?

21st Century Detectives?

This is a book about being a detective.

[burp]

[coughing]

Someone stole that guy's face.

[cough]

The Somerville Slasher.

They made a really bad movie about him.

Oh, I see. You're reopening the case.

No. I used to want to be a forensic pathologist.

Oh.

Oh, that's like a baby doctor, right?

No. It's like a detective, but with science.

Oh, neato. Why'd you stop?

I don't know. I grew out of it. It was stupid.

Hey, following your dreams is never stupid, unless you dream about water and then you pee the bed last Thursday.

What? For example. Uh--

Just hold that up there. You should be fine.

Thanks, Mr. Finney.

Oh. Uh, we should go.

Charlie?

I'm not sure if it's, like, a little kid word or something, but he said he wanted to stick his finger in the pie to see if it felt like a-- [Jason, Duncan] Charlie!

All right, I'll make you a deal.

If we find your ring, then you'll believe that I'm a real detective.

Deal?

Great.

What do we do now?

If we can't talk to the victims' family, we're going to have to go to the street for information.

Time to hit up our best informant.

Jordy. Jordy. Duncan.

Jordy.

Oh, shut it. It's the Mystery Team!

What is up, you guys?

Hey, Jordy. What's buzzin', cousin?

Stayin' cool, fool.

Oh. Hey, I got a new gum flavor for you.

It's, uh, Watermelon Whirlpool.

Yeah, put it in your mouth.

Oh, thanks. That's so boss.

It's on me.

Neato.

Wow, I haven't seen you guys in a while.

You guys used to come in here all the time back in the day.

You guys would solve a crime, and then you would come in here, and I would give you free ice cream.

Ha ha ha! And we're still doing it.

You guys are still solving crimes, and sure enough, I'm still right here.

We're doing it.

[laughing] Yeah.

Actually, Jordy, we're here to get some info.

Yeah, we're trying to solve a double murder.

Oh, yeah, totally.

Would you happen to know of anybody who'd be peeping in the area of 42 Maple Hill Road at around 5:45 yesterday morning?

Yeah, that would be Sam around that time.

Who?

Sam. he's a homeless gentleman.

He's always walking around.

Comes in here every morning and gets a pack of smokes.

Definitely a hobo.

They're constantly smoking to keep their lungs sharp for box car jumping.

What?

Oh, it's in this book I read.

Sully the Wandering Tramp.

It's a gritty and honest portrayal of the complexities of hobo society.

Neato. Where can we find this Sam?

Check behind the copy center, where they make the copies.

Thanks, Jordy.

No prob, Bob.

Hey, Jason.

Paying you in advance, buddy.

Ice cream!

Ice cream. Oh, ice cream.

Thanks, Jordy. You got it.

Ha ha! We're back!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Okay. Now, if you have any trouble, we're right around the corner.

Remember, if they're grumpy, just cut a bean in half and offer to share it with them.

Here. Don't forget your bindle.

It has your hobo treasures in it.

You mean trash? Charlie, respect their culture.

All right. I'm going in.

**

Well, don't just stand there.

Back me up on the brown jug.

Hey. What do you want?

I'm looking for Sam.

I'm Sam.

Oh. Well, I'm hoping to swap stories with you, my friend.

You didn't see or find anything over at 42 Maple Hill Road the other morn.

I saw a van speed away.

Some stuff flew out.

Bully. We'll, I'd like to take a gander at your haul, if you don't mind.

20 bucks.

All right. Hobo dollars?

Real dollars.

You sure?

I got buttons.

You guys owe me 20 bucks.

Oh, man, this is my lunch money.

Dad's going to ask for it later.

What kind of clues did we get?

Ugh, it's pretty hard to call these clues.

Two bottle caps.

Maybe the perpetrator likes to drink pop.

The Soda Pop Strangler. Sounds good to me.

They weren't strangled.

Moving on, then.

A can of bug spray.

Maybe the murderer was their exterminator.

The exterminator. He's already in your house.

You trust him. Your kids love him.

And by that point--

[screaming]

What else do we have?

A Fun Lanes card, and it's been vandalized.

Let's take this back to the lab and cross-reference it with the doodle archives.

Oh. Right. Like we have five hours to spare.

I know Fun Lanes. It's a bowling alley.

You swipe your card, and they keep track of your scores.

Huh.

Are you saying this would have a name on it?

Yeah.

Let's go to Fun Lanes.

Hold on. We should thank the hobo so he doesn't put a curse on us.

Good night, sweet hobo.

May your bindle be heavy with treasures but your heart be light with song.

Excuse me, sir.

Yo.

[all gasp]

[all] Ricky Appleman.

Great. The fucking Mysterytards.

Yo, what's up, fellas? How can I help you?

When did they let you out, Ricky?

Huh?

What the fuck are you talking about?

Uh, September 15, 2007.

The Case of the Silver Screen Sneak.

You tried to see an extra movie for free.

Not on our watch.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right.

Y'all motherfuckers ratted me out.

You know, I can't go see movies at a theater no more

'cause of y'all. Thanks a lot.

You're welcome, and we're glad you learned your lesson.

Now, if you could just scan this card for us.

Oh, this one?

You can shove it up your ass.

You know that won't work, Ricky.

You're right. He's right.

Uh, listen, I'm sorry, guys.

Take the card. Fuck yourselves!

I thought you were about to tell us a secret.

Mystery bitch.

That's a dumb-ass haircut.

That computer is the key to our case.

We're going to need a diversion to get that name.

Duncan, you still got your slingshot?

Always.

Charlie, get ready to swipe that card.

Just make sure you hit him in the left shoulder so he turns to the left.

You sure you can do this?

I'm aiming for the humerus, which is the longest bone in the body above the waist.

I think I'll be okay.

Abort.

Maybe there's a computer fact in my book that can help us.

Ah. Here's one.

"By the year 2000, the average computer will be as small as your bedroom."

How old is this?

We could get access to the computer if I got a job here.

Ricky could put in a good word for me.

Swimming muffin, scuba muffin, s-- diving muffin.

Muff Diver?

[Jason] Kelly's ring!

[Duncan] And he's smoking.

He did it.

But we need hard evidence to take back to the crime lab.

Duncan, you still got your spy camera?

Always.

Fuck!

What the fuck are you doing, man?

What a scoop-- local boy bowls.

Well, got to go.

[coughing]

[crunch]

Fuck this shit.

Catch you later, man.

He's leaving. We got to follow him.

I don't know, Jason. According to his shirt, he has no fear.

But we made a promise to Kelly to get that ring.

You made a promise.

On behalf of us, the Mystery Team.

Mystery Team?

Mystery Team.

Mystery Team. All right.

How are we going to get in?

Gentlemen's club.

Let me see what I can piece together.

Hello, my good man.

My boyos and I were in the neighborhood, and we thought to treat ourselves to a day of sport with other gentlemen.

Heigh-ho. Perhaps there will be bear baiting?

I'm wearing a top hat.

Gentlemen.

Going to need to see some IDs.

Well, of course.

Yes, uh, all right. Usual wallet.

Oh, there we go.

Made of diamonds, I think. Yes, yes.

Velcro will do. There we go.

Okay.

A library card.

A school ID.

Ya-da-da.

And a folded-up tracing of a hammerhead shark.

Harrumph.

You got any money?

Uh, me and my colleagues are positively abreast with...currency.

Eh?

[sigh]

Go ahead.

Ah, yes. Yes. Oh, yes.

Oh, I can't wait to bear bait.

I hear the mink is very good here.

Oh, the mink. I love mink.

England.

Okay. Remember, act like gentlemen.

Hello.

Good day, my lady.

My pussy is so wet for you.

Pussy. [giggling]

Okay.

Ohh!

Suspect in sight.

There's-- There's something on your stomach.

It's a C-section scar.

For 20 bucks, I'll let you come on it.

I'll give you 5 if you tell me what that means.

Eric?

Oh, shit. 5-0, 5-0!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

Oh, man, what the fuck I do now?

You didn't do anything.

What are you doing here?

My mom works here.

It's better than shaking your shit on the street.

We're tailing a suspect.

Do you know that guy?

Oh, yeah. Dougie.

He's in here all the time.

Likes to finger the girls.

Hey, you guys want to get dry fucked?

No, we're okay. Yeah, we're good.

Hey, Tammy, these are my friends.

Show them a good time.

[gasp]

Uh...uh... perhaps if we pay her, she'll go away.

They're like pigeons.

Suspect is on the move.

Excuse me, Miss. I'm sorry.

Ma'am, it's been a pleasure.

You guys okay?

Yep.

Yeah, I'm okay.

Good.

Ow. Sorry.

My penis.

I think he's in here.

Found him.

[bouncer] No watching. Y'all got to go.

Oh. No. See, this is a stakeout, so it's fine. Okay, it's fine.

[gagging]

Charlie, take him out.

I need more time.

[grunting]

Run!

Oh! This stage is wet! It smells like cold cuts!

[wailing]

[squirt]

Sorry.

Just keep going. I promise I won't watch.

I'll pay you to watch.

Oh. Sorry.

Thank you.

Thank you.


[urinating]

[clink]

How was it? You tell me.

Did you fuck-- Are you kidding me?

Get your hand out of my face.

Want to give me crabs in my eyes?

Where's your ring, man?

What?

The fucking gay-ass ring you were wearing all day today.

Where is it? Did you just drop it?

You lose it somewhere?

No. No.

Let's see it.

No. Let's see it.

Don't worry about it.

You fucking lost that ring inside of that slut's cooch.

Just say it so everybody can hear it.

I don't care, all right?

I didn't pay for that shit. Leroy gave it to me.

Talking about that guy that used to fuck your mom?

Hey, fuck my mom, all right?

My mom's a slut.

Jason.

Oh, Jason, we know where the ring is.

It's in the stripper's vagina.

Not anymore.

What?

When she was peeing...

I heard a clink.

Oh, no.

Are you sure?

Yes.

Well, how are we going to get it out of there?

This looks like a job for the boy genius.

What? No, it doesn't

[pounding]

[Jason] It's the bouncer.

Charlie, Charlie, the window.

It's too high.

[pounding]

Duncan, you have got to get this ring, okay?

[pounding]

Hurry!

Ohh!

Everything is in this toilet!

Come on!

Oh! Oh, there's something sharp inside of something soft.

Come on! He's coming through the door!

Got it.

Hurry! Other hand!

Other hand! Help me, please!

Just give me the ring. He's coming!

Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew!

Hey, guys.

Great. You brought the ring.

[coughing]

Oh, pork chops and applesauce.

You smell like urine. Dog urine.

I had to sterilize my hand after the strip club.

With dog pee?

Yeah. Did you know a dog's mouth is cleaner than a human's mouth?

Therefore, through the transitive property, a dog's urine is just as clean as its saliva and easier to get.

So you covered your whole hand in dog pee.

No, Jason. I'm not an idiot, okay?

I drank it. But it's worth it, right? Because we got the ring.

We got a ring.

Kelly needs to tell us if it's the right one.

What? You seemed certain it was.

I drank dog pee over this.

That's your choice.

That's not the issue.

For Pete's sake.

Before you close the door, we are here to show you that we are mature and legitimate detectives.

What the hell is that smell?

I drank dog urine.

Yeah. You got to leave us alone.

I know, and we will, but before you go... is this your ring?

Where did you find this?

It's a long story.

No, it's not. A stripper peed it into a toilet--

Hey.

Shut up.

The Mystery Team keeps its promises.

It's in our charter.

For wherever there is trouble, when a bully bursts your bubble, when a cat's been shaved to stubble-- when-- Thank you.

This means so much.

I feel bad.

It's my pleasure.

The-- The urine's kind of backing up on me.

Your skin's so soft.

It's like a dolphin's probably is.

What? Hmm?

[coughing]

[water running]

Yeah. I'm sorry, guys. These are done.

You can borrow some of my shirts.

Did some get in your pants?

No.

Are-- Are we not just taking off clothes?

You guys want something to drink?

[together] Chocolate milk.

So, like, what's your guys' deal?

Chocolate milk just tastes better than regular milk.

No, I mean, like, the whole dressing up in little kid costumes thing.

What?

The hair, the way you talk.

Why do you guys dress like that?

Because we're detectives.

Yeah. Who do you dress in dark clothes?

Because I used to be Goth, and I don't like shopping.

Is Goth like a forensic pathologist?

No. Forensic pathologists study the dead.

Goths dress like the dead and date closeted gay guys named Ember.

So what are you guys going to tell the police?

We--

About that.

We were thinking that we wouldn't do that and we would just solve it ourselves.

No.

The cops have to follow the rules.

We only have to follow our own rules-- find the clues, solve the case, no comic books in bed.

We need our rest. We're growing boys.

Look, you guys are really sweet, and I really appreciate it, but if you really want to help, you'll go to the police and tell them where you found the ring.

You boys are lucky. My wife just did the laundry.

Oh, okay.

So we're definitely not just taking off clothes, then.

Gotcha.

All right.

We promise to hand this case over to professionals.

But if something happens in the meantime-- auxiliary walkie-talkie.

Now, be careful with this.

It's two good report cards and a summer's allowance, okay?

Okay.

It's for the best, Jason.

Personally, I'm glad we're going to the police.

We're not going to the police.

What? But you just told Kelly we would.

I told Kelly that we would hand this over to professionals.

What does it say on our sign?

Missing kitten purr-fessionals.

Oh, my God, I just got that.

We're keeping evidence from the police, okay?

We could go to jail for that.

You know what happens in jail?

No TV.

I'm finishing this case.

Now, are we a team or not?

Jason! There's something fishy down at the sardine factory!

I think it's fish!

Not now, Jamie.

Are we a team?

Yeah, we're a team.

Yeah. We're a team.

Oh, there he is.

My favorite.

Hey, Jordy.

What do you know about a kid named Dougie?

Dirty hair, skater shirts.

Oh, Dougie Sanders.

Yeah, he robbed this place once.

Good kid, though.

He had a ring we were looking for.

He said somebody named Leroy gave it to him.

Something about his mom.

Oh, that guy that used to fuck his mom a whole bunch.

Like all the time. Leroy Maddox.

Yeah, he was a senior my second sophomore year.

He is a bad dude.

He's into some serious drugs.

He was on a drug deal once that went sour, then some Bosnians stole his van door.

Still drove it around, though.

He don't give a fuck.

Where can we find him?

Last I heard, he worked at the lumber yard where they make lumber.

Perfect. We'll go to the lumber yard, arrest Leroy, and Kelly will think we're real detectives.

Who's Kelly?

Jason's lady friend.

Oh, nice.

A little of the old, uh--

[chuckling]

Yeah, yeah. Put-- Ahh, right?

Poke her in the eye.

That's not what I meant.

How could you get that from that?

You, though.

Quite the ladies' man.

No.

You remind me a little of me.

You know what I'm going to call you from now on?

Little Me!

Just came up with that right now.

But that's what I'm going to call you forever.

From now on, that'll be, like, our little thing, like you're, like, a little version of me.

I carry you around like-- like in a papoose.

It would be amazing.

That's great, Jordy.

That's tops, that's tops.

Okay. Let's go to the lumber yard, find this Leroy guy.

Mystery Team?

Mystery Team.

Mystery Team.

Hey.

Just paying you in advance, buddy.

Oh.

One ice cream is enough for one day, right?

Paying you in advance, buddy.

[chuckling]

Okay. Bye, Jordy. Bye.

Bye.

Ah, wood.

Nature's metal.

I brought some more wood to the wood place because I work here.

Everything go smoothly?

Yes, I established credibility.

Honestly, this is breaking and entering, okay?

It's illegal.

But it's for justice, so it's legal again.

Okay, look for anything with Leroy's name on it.

Uh, what the hell are you doing in my office?

We could ask you the same question, Greg.

No, you can't. It's my office.

Yeah, well--

Wait.

You're the kid from the strip club, right?

And you're the guy who puts milk in his butt.

Hey, boss, how was lunch?

It was good.

So... this is blackmail, huh?

What else do you know?

Lots. Duncan?

The capital of India is New Delhi.

Hummingbirds can flap their wings

78 times a second.

Fist, heart-- same size. Stop.

What department does Leroy Maddox work in?

We want to have a little chat.

He doesn't work here. He never did.

But we have information that says otherwise.

No one by that name has ever worked here, okay?

Now get out of my office before I call the police.

But-- Get out!

I guess Jordy heard wrong.

Did you see his face when we said Leroy's name?

It flipped faster than a Sunday morning pancake.

Something's up.

Nothing's up, okay?

We just broke into a man's office.

What are you doing?

[Charlie] Leroy's in that picture.

He was lying to us.

Leroy did work here.

Why would he lie?

Because they're in cahoots.

My dad said Holden & Charles is buying the lumber yard and getting rid of the union workers.

And Kelly's dad was a lawyer for Holden & Charles.

So Greg has Leroy kill Kelly's dad.

And then he covers his tracks by pretending that Leroy never worked at the lumber yard.

And this is the lumber yard.

Right?

Hey, what are you doing?

Who the hell's going to pay for this?

Me. Leroy Maddox.

Yeah. I work here.

Just-- Just send me a bill.

Actually, what is the address that you have for me in your computer?

Because I'm planning on moving to Guam.

188 Rock Ridge Road?

Ah. Just send the bill there.

I thought you said you were moving to Guam.

Sir, please stay out of my affairs.

This must be it.

All right. Our best bet to infiltrate this place is as high school students trying to buy drugs.

We are high school students.

I know, but we need to make Leroy think we're high school students and not the weirdoes we go to school with.

Real high school students.

What you want?

Hi. We'd like to buy some cocaine.

Got money?

Of course. We're high school students.

We've bought cocaine before.

Get the fuck in here.

That's my girl Destiny.

Hey.

Don't suck their dicks.

You guys cops?

Nope. Just regular high school students looking to buy some cocaine on a Saturday night.

Good.

It's going to be 200 for an 8-ball.

Do we need eight?

You know, let's treat ourselves.

You're right. Let's get eight balls.

Yeah. Looks like we've got a long night of cocaine ahead of us.

Now, uh, do we have to sign something?

[phone rings] Because I--

Chill here.

I'll be right back.

Don't suck their dicks.

You want me to suck your dicks?

No. No, ma'am. That's okay.

Thank you, though. Thank you.

I'm going to go... to the bathroom.

Ahem.

Mmm.

Yeah, that 50 grand you put in my account?

I'm thinking now it ought to be a hundred.

Yeah, well, whether you wanted them dead or not, they are.

And you take a fucking chill pill.

Man, I told you we didn't see the fucking papers.

Papers?

And if I'm really drunk, I won't even tell them that I'm having an outbreak.

Now you share something.

Destiny, could you tell Leroy that I had to go?

Uh, something came up.

What's going on?

He said something about papers over at Kelly's house.

I got to go over and check it out.

Stall him. Stall him? Are you crazy?

Thanks, man. You're a pal.

I'm really close to solving this one.

He definitely killed them.

Okay. Bye.

Fuck!

Motherfuck!

He thinks I'm asking.

I ain't fucking asking.

Where's the other one?

Oh, that guy? We didn't know that guy.

We thought you knew that guy, so we should probably just go, then.

You guys trying to fuck me?

What?

He said do you guys want to fuck me?

No, that ain't what I said.

Are you or are you not trying to fuck me?

We aren't trying to F anyone.

Look, this is a bad time to buy cocaine anyway.

I mean, with the market how it is, it is better to rent cocaine.

Till your friend comes back, you guys ain't going anywhere.


[door opens]

Ow!

Oh, fuck!

Kelly?

What are you doing here?

Getting Brianna's teddy bear. Oh, my fucking face.

I'm-- I'm so sorry. Are you okay?

No, I'm not.

Whoa, Nelly! I really got you good, huh?

What?

Ohh.

Wait a minute. Why are you here?

Um, well, there was some major progress in the case, so--

Jason, I swear to God, I told you--

I know. You told us to stop.

And that's fine because you don't know that you're wrong.

But we got a really good lead that something very important is in this house.

There's nothing here, okay?

The police took everything important to the case.

They're professionals.

Okay, did your dad ever say anything strange about the union?

No. He did what he always did.

Holden & Charles, they would have a problem, we'd move, and we wouldn't leave until it was fixed.

Okay, okay. I'll be more specific.

Did your dad have any... papers?

Where's your buddy?

I-- I don't know.

But, luckily for all of us, I brought Travel Scrabble.

Or, as I like to call it, Trabble.

Or Scravel.

I'm going to try and spell Trabble.

You can't. It's not a real word.

It's the name of the game, so I think I can--

You can't spell that. It's not a real word.

All right, then I'll spell Scravel.

You know what?

Let's just play Travel Monopoly.

Or, as I like to call it, Travopoly.

Shut the fuck up.

Where is he?

He said he'd be right back.

Where is he?

Can I ask you something?

Yep. Spill it, skillet.

[whispering] That was stupid.

You're so stupid, Jason.

Why are you so obsessed with my parents?

I'm not obsessed.

Brianna came to us with a dime.

It's our case.

Yeah, but you could have just told her to go home and that the police would handle it.

That's probably what I would have done.

Yeah, well, you're not a real detective, so--

Neither are you.

Well, your sister thinks I am, and I don't let down paying customers.

So this is all over 10 cents?

No. It--

When the Mystery Team first set up shop in my front yard, we started arguing about how much to charge for a mystery.

And then my next door neighbor Mr. Williamson came over, and he said, "It's not about the dime.

It's about the people."

After that, we charged a dime, and we never changed it because he was right.

But he's gone now.

He passed?

Hmm? Oh.

No. No. He's in jail. Yeah.

Something about pictures of kids on his computer. I don't know.

Ew. Gross.

The lesson he taught was still valid.

Brianna really believes in us.

That doesn't happen a lot anymore.

Plus, don't you want to know who did it?

See him get hauled off to jail?

That's the fun stuff.

Actually, no, I don't. it was probably some really sick or sad person, and knowing who did it isn't going to bring my parents back.

It's not like my bike got stolen and you're going to find it and everything's going to be okay.

Where are your parents?

They died. What the fuck is wrong with you?

No. No. I--

In the picture.

What?

This is the same picture from your room, right?

Iphedolene?

What is that?

I don't know.

Extremely toxic.

[vehicle approaches]

Whose van is that?

That's Leroy.

Hide.

If he ain't in here, you two are dead.

Who's Leroy?

He's, uh...

He-- He-- He's a drug dealer.

Why is he chasing you?

Because, uh...

Uh, he-- he wanted to sell me drugs, and I said no to drugs.

And he was-- he was steamed at me.

Shh.

Duncan, I want to go home.

This is how my clown dream starts, and not the good one.

Maybe we can climb out one of these windows.

Don't you think we should wait for Jason?

Forget about Jason, okay?

All Jason cares about is that stupid case and that know-it-all Kelly girl.

Still cold.

Someone was here.

Wait. Wait. Wait. It's me.

Jason. Yeah.

[screaming]

Jason, it's you.

Charlie!

Why did you do that?

Sorry. I had a delayed reaction.

[sniveling]

Oh, bubbly bottle caps.

Did you get the papers you needed?

Yeah. He did.

Hey.

What you got there?

I hope you enjoyed making your last mistake.

He's going to kill you.

Shut up, Destiny.

Where are you taking us?

How about you close your mouth?

Hey. Leave her alone.

Sir.

I'm going to shoot you in the head.

I don't mean to me a bother, but could you please keep your eyes on the road?

I said shut up!

I'll take the wheel.

Let go!

I can do it. I'm good at it.

Let go, you cunt!

Don't call me a bitch!

Aah!

[brakes screech]

Oww!

Fuck.

You killed her!

You fucking--

Run!

Wait! His phone!

What are you doing?

[glass breaks]

Wait. Where's Jason?

Did we lose him?

Keep running!

Aah!

Kelly!


[police siren]


Let's go.

Is Leroy mad at us?

[phone beeps]

Low battery. Son of a gun.

Hey, that was crazy, right?

It's not every day you see someone smash their head into a stop sign.

That was weird.

Yeah, what the fuck was that?

What the hell's going on?

Look, a lot of crazy stuff happened, and I'm willing to admit that we may be a bit out of our league, so tomorrow we will go to the police and tell them everything.

Thank you.

And thanks for sticking up for me back there.

That was really stupid but kind of cool.

Thanks.

To the lumber yard.

Are you kidding me?

You just promised Kelly we would give it up.

I told Kelly that we would go to the police tomorrow.

We've still got tonight.

Uhh! Your word play.

Look, the union is behind this, okay?

Kelly's dad was hiding that paper, and then Greg paid Leroy to get it.

Okay, I don't know what it means, but the answer's got to be at the lumber yard.

A murderer shoved a gun in my face.

I know, and I appreciate that, but that document had a lot of scientific stuff on it, and I'm would need help understanding it.

Definitely a job for a boy genius.

The last time somebody said that, I had to stick my hand in a toilet.

No toilets. I promise.

Great. Let's roll.

Roll on what? We lost our bikes.

I've got some extra bikes.

Duncan, the alarm.

Okay.

Bingo. We're in.

Wire's cut.

Oh.

Perfect. Well, we won't have any interruptions while we're searching for clu--

[screaming]

[screaming continues]

Aah!

Shut up!

I'm out.

[Jason] Hey. Hey.

Wait!

Wait, Duncan.

Duncan.

Hey!

Would you stop?

Two dead bodies, okay? That's my limit. I'm out.

Okay. Wait. We have to see this thing through.

Just go to the police and tell them the union murdered two people.

But they didn't, okay?

The door was open. The alarm was cut.

If they had been killed, there would have been way more blood.

Why would you kill two people and leave their bodies for everyone to find?

If you wanted someone to find them?

Exactly, okay? Someone else is behind this.

Would you stop worrying about that and start worrying about us?

We almost died back there.

I squeezed a turd for you, and all you care about is this mystery.

Well, forget it. I don't know about you, but I'd like to make it to see college next year.

Wait.

College?

Yeah. College.

Y-You're going to college?

Yes, of course. Aren't you?

No.

You didn't apply for college?

No. No, I didn't, Duncan. Charlie, did you?

Yeah. I'm going to U of M next semester.

What?

U of M?

When did this happen?

Jason, we visited colleges together.

I thought it was part of a mystery.

We took the SATs together.

What did you think that was about?

I don't know. I--

I thought we were goofing around.

You thought we were just goofing around?

Yes!

What did you think we were going to do after high school?

I thought we would open up our own detective agency in town.

That's stupid. Jason, we can't do this forever.

But we've got something really good here.

Wake up, okay?

Our lives are not that awesome.

Our most consistent customer has Alzheimer's.

Mrs. Kimmel does not have Alzheimer's.

She bakes 50 pies a day for her dead husband.

Most of the pies are filled with soap.

Okay, well, granted.

If you look through our case files--

If you look through our case files, you'll see that we've been chasing 6-year-olds for ten years.

Everyone else has girlfriends.

The only girl we interact with is Jamie.

Hello, trash can. How are you today?

Shut up!

Well, excuse me for thinking the disabled can be helpful.

Everyone laughs at us.

You want to make it a career? Well, good luck.

I only kept doing this because I thought we were friends, but friends don't leave you with crazy, knife-wielding drug pushers in the middle of the night.

Hey! Knife fights, dead bodies, close scrapes.

That's real detective stuff!

You're not a real detective, Jason!

Everyone's right about you.

You're pathetic.

You take that back!

Don't push me, jerk!

[cough]

[coughing]

Ah, cinnamon sticks.

Ah, Chinese checkers.

Fuck!

[gasp] [gasp]

Yeah. That's right.

I've been saying "fuck."

Going in the backyard and trying it out.

It's pretty great.

You stay away from me.

You know what? I will.

Come on, Charlie.

Fine.

I don't need you!

I don't need either of you!

I can do this by myself!

[pop] Ohh!

Oh.

Oh, I'm sorry, man.

Oh.

I bought some firecrackers.

Summertime tradition.

Hey, remember when I used to have to steal them?

That was half the fun.

Now I'm so old, I can just buy them outright.

Well, it's still fun, though.

Here. Have one. Old times' sake.

What happened to you?

I got hit in the face.

Oh, man. You always have to be very careful around your face.

Ohh, so close.

So close to my face.

Oh, this one's a dud.

Born dead.

Jordy, can I ask you a question?

Yeah. Spill it, skillet.

Do you think I could be a real detective?

Aw, Little Me.

Hey, guys like us, we're a different breed.

All right?

We live our lives, you know?

We figured out what we wanted to do early on in life, and we kept doing it in the exact same way, no matter what.

Yeah.

Yeah, Little Me, yeah.

You know, it's like think about it.

You love your detecting, and I love working here, you know?

When I was 15 years old, when I got this job, I said to myself, "I am going to work here until the day that I kill myself."

And, uh, hello, I'm still here, so I must be happy, right?

It's our world, you know?

When-- When my friends went off to school and when my parents just moved away out of nowhere, like, I stayed here and fulfilled my dream that I had when I was 15 years old.

And I don't know if you've looked around, but, uh, everything's pretty great around here, you know?

Hey! Are you squeezing that bread?

We had a deal.

We had a deal, you fucking animal!

Oh, dude, did you fuck this bread?

You fucked the shit out of this bread.

You don't fuck bread, God--

Every fucking thing.

Uhh.

Mmm!

Even that guy.

If you think about it, in his own way, he's living the dream, too.

You, me, the bread squeezer.

We did it.

[firecracker pops]

Oh, thumb sucker.

Hey, Little Me, I'm paying you in advance.

Aah! Oh! No! I'm not you!

I'm not you!

[Kelly] Brianna, let's go.

Jason?

Kelly. Oh, there have been so many developments.

Downtown.

There have been so many developments downtown.

I think they're building a drugstore.

We should go when it opens.

What happened to your face?

And your bike? Why--

What's behind your ear?

My best friend hit me with a base, I ran over a firecracker, and Mrs. Kimmel, uh, threw a pie at me because she thinks I'm her husband.

You know, Robert's a cyclist.

He could probably help you fix your bike when he gets back, if he has time.

Oh. Thanks.

Wow. You look nice.

Where are you going, some sort of hot date?

We're going to the wake.

Oh.

But thank you.

Well, I guess, um, between having your parents die and having a gun pointed in your face, this has been a pretty bad week, huh?

Yeah.

Honestly, I've just been, like, drifting by this whole week.

Nothing even rates anymore.

They hit you with a base?

Yeah. Second base.

What happened?

Those traitors couldn't handle real adult mysteries, okay?

They've always been one ring short of a full circus.

I don't-- I don't need them.

It doesn't seem like you have a whole lot of other friends.

Friends only hold you back, okay?

Duncan and his lame

"Penguins are from the South Pole, not the North."

Sucks to you, boy genius. And Charlie?

Charlie puts the dumb in dumbbell, okay?

He couldn't knock over the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

Well, that's a building. He shouldn't be able to--

I was always the talented one.

I mean, I can do over a hundred different accents.

Observe. Ahem.

[Middle Eastern accent] Hello.

[chanting]

Stop.

Okay.

It doesn't sound like you're being very fair to them.

Well, news flash. Life isn't fair.

If life was fair, I'd have gotten a new bike for my birthday instead of that stupid car. Life isn't fair. Get used to it.

Hey, I don't need to be told life isn't fair, okay?

I'm going to a wake for both of my parents.

Sorry.

I don't have a lot of friends, either.

We moved, like, every nine months since I was a kid.

Duncan and Charlie, they seem like really good friends, that's all.

Well, if you like them so much, why don't you marry them?

You know what? Maybe you should try to figure yourself out before you try to figure out a mystery.

Hey. How's the mystery going?

Um, yeah. Actually, we're going to hand it over to the police, Brianna.

They're going to take it from where we left off.

Oh. Okay.

Brianna.

[whispering] Not true.

We still got it, okay? All right.

Okay. Have fun at the wa--

I-- I love you?

Bye.

I'll be 10 minutes behind you.

Jason. What can I do you for?

We're just two...men talking here, right?

We're drinking chocolate milk, aren't we?

Yeah, well-- when it comes to Kelly-- see, my other friends, they were too immature to get this, but, um...

I want to French kiss her.

That's pretty mature.

[clatter]

Oh, boy.

Everyone take a chill pill.

Man, you take a fucking chill pill.

Can I use your cell phone charger?

Mine's out of batteries.

Sure. It's over there on the counter.

Great.

[phone rings]

I-- I'll get it.

Oh. Uh, thanks.


Who was it? Aah!

Uh, one of your corporate buddies.

Yeah.

Yeah, there's a party celebrating the lumber yard deal.

It's kind of my baby, but I feel it's more important to go to the wake, you know?

Yeah. More important.

I got to go.

But your tire. We didn't fix--

That's fine. I like the bumps.

[Jason] Officer Mills!

There are two dead bodies at the lumber yard! I swear!

I'll go check over there around 10, okay?

No. By 10, it'll be too late.

You got to go now.

My friend lives with the murderer.

If it was anybody else, maybe.

If I'm going to trust you, I need proof.

[sputtering]

[beep]

Kelly.

Kelly, come in, Kelly.

Robert is dangerous.

I repeat, Robert is dangerous, okay?

You have to believe me. Do not go home.

I'm going to Holden & Charles right now to get...proof.

If you are in a situation where you cannot respond, just-- just beep twice, okay?

[beep beep]

[chanting] ...hey, ho, ho.

Corporate greed has got to go.

Hey, hey, ho, ho.

Corporate greed has got to go.

Okay, Jason, this is it.

You have to be more convincing than you've ever been before.

Hello. I am Juan Ranch-huevos, the Mexican plumber.

I've come to fix your pipes.

Nice.

Hey. What are you drinking?

Uh, chocolate milk.

Ha ha. Me, too.

Two bourbons.

Name's Jim.

Medical Technologies. What division you in?

Uh, I'm in the lumber division.

Lumber? This party's in your honor, man.

I'll drink to that.

Mmm.

[hawking]

[cough, burp]

You all right?

Yeah, I'm-- I'm fine.

Two more.

[hawking]

Ohh! Yeah.

Yeah, it's like gasoline. I love it.

Good. Good gasoline.

I want you to meet my friends.

Frankie. Come here, come here.

This is, uh...

Uh, Juan.

Juan, Frank.

This guy's hilarious.

[raspberry]

Let's get some shots over here.

Yeah, buddy. No, no. I got to go.

Juan, you are the life of the party, man.

You must be a real snatch magnet.

Yeah.

What does that mean?

Guy good with the ladies.

Who's your lucky lady?

Oh. No one.

Uh, there's-- there's a girl named Kelly.

Oh, Kelly-belly!

Shut up, Frank.

This is why your marriage is such a mess.

She's really something.

It's just I'm-- I'm no good with girls.

Oh, you're whipped.

[imitating whip cracking]

Frank.

Sometimes I wish you didn't beat that cancer.

I really do.

Funny guy, but damn, you know?

You going to talk to this girl or what?

Oh...

I-- I can't do that.

Yeah. You can. Okay?

Don't be like me.

I had a girl like that back in college, but I never told her how I felt.

Now I'm with that fat piece of shit.

I love you, too.

Heartless badger.

Listen to me.

Tell her you love her.

Don't end up like me.

I'm pretty sad.

You are-- You are absolutely right.

Absolutely right.

I'm going to tell her how I feel.

You do it. I will.

You do it.

First I got to solve a mystery.

What?

Uh, you're not supposed to know that.

What are you talking about, Juan?

I'm going to solve a mystery.


[cough]

Iphedolene-treated wood.

What in the H-E-triple hockey sticks is this?

Duncan? Charlie?

My best friends.

How'd you guys get in the office?

We pushed the door open.

Push? Of course.

Boy genius, ladies and gentlemen.

Are you drunk?

I'm a little buzzed, yeah.

You smell like Dad.

How'd you guys know I was here?

We heard you talking about Robert on the walkie.

It sounded like you were in danger, and Charlie wanted to come get you.

I guess he has a soft spot for idiots.

We heard the old "two beeps if you're in trouble" signal.

[beep beep]

Did you guys hear that?

Who else has one of those? Kelly?

Is Kelly here?

No.

[gun cocks]

Robert! Robert! Henry!

Robert. Darn.

Iphedolene is toxic.

You were going to put hundreds of people in this town out of work so you could treat your wood with cheap stuff that kills people?

Well, you, sir, are a grade A crumb-bum.

Are you drunk?

I'm a little buzzed, yeah.

Hand it over.

Whoa. Hi.

You guys are hiding on your wives, too, huh?

Ha! Just kidding.

Uh, I'll go piss somewhere else.

Hey!

I'm holdin' my Charles.

[urinating]

Holdin' my Charles.

[laughing]

I'll clean it up.

We're going to have to wait him out.

I'm sorry.

I'm-- I'm sorry that I said you guys weren't my friends.

I mean... you guys just saved my life, and only true friends and hero dogs do that.

I just--

I just thought that if we weren't detective together, we wouldn't be together at all.

You guys are all I have.

It's just... being with you guys... is the only time I don't feel like a weirdo.

I mean, I was just mad because you guys were making me grow up, and I--

I guess what I'm trying to say is...

I need to figure out myself before I figure out a mystery.

That's beautiful.

Did you just make that up?

Yes.

Yes, I did.

It feels good.

Yeah, it does, right?

Feels really good.

The coast is clear.

Hey, Juan.

Hey, Jim. I'm kind of in a hurry.

I don't want to hold you up, man.

I just want to give you a card.

If you ever want to get out of the lumber business game, that's me. I'll give you a leg up.

Okay. Thanks.

I got to go, too.

Old Frank's going to shit in the punch bowl as a goof.

Oh.

Oh, hey, dude, you tell Kelly your feelings for her.

Promise. I promise.

Don't let life p-- Promise.

I-- I promise.

Okay. Drive safe.

Okay.

All right, Frank. Ready? 1, 2, 3.

Hey, I'm sorry about what I said about Kelly when you guys were in the closet.

By the way, how was that?

I'm going to be honest.

I think we had sex.

[Kelly] Ow. Help.

Kelly?

[Robert] Come to the lumber yard.

Call the police, and she dies.

[Robert] Hello again.

Hi. How you doing? Hello.

The document.

What do we do?

Uh, maybe make him feel guilty.

Then he'll let us go?

Sure did kill a lot of people just to get your hands on a measly little document.

I didn't want anyone to die.

Leroy did that.

Well, Leroy was acting under your orders, so--

I just wanted him to scare him.

Peters found out the stuff was toxic.

He was going to go public and ruin the company and me.

More guilt.

Yeah, yeah, it's working, it's working.

Yeah, but you killed Leroy, too, so--

He kept asking for money. He knew too much.

What now?

Negotiate.

Okay. We'll make you a deal.

We'll give you the documents if you let us go, okay?

Here are the documents.

Now you have to let us go.

That's the rules. Go, go, go, go, go.

Those are the rules.

Hands behind your head.

Walk.

We had a deal.

He's going to kill us.

No, Kelly, he is not going to kill us, okay?

If he was going to kill us, he'd bring us to an enclosed space.

Okay, well, I'm sure that Charlie can overpower him because he's the strongest--

[sobbing]

Okay, well, I'm sure Duncan's got some sort of fact that's going to get us out of this pickle, right, Duncan?

Did you know that one out of every one Duncan Wheelers dies without ever kissing a girl?

Okay.

No, I don't think he will be killing us, Kelly.

Jason.

Because he's not a murderer.

What are you doing?

You're not going to kill a bunch of kids.

I thought you said we were grown-up detectives solving grown-up mysteries.

Hey.

Shut up.

You're going to get us killed.

He's not going to kill us.

And you know why?

Because deep, deep down, he is not a murderer.

He's a murderer!

He can do it!

Deep, deep down!


Whoa.

I'm punching you.

Hey, guys, I'm actually hitting him.

Ahh!

Great gumballs.

[groaning]

It's almost 10.

The police will be here in a few minutes.

We'll be dead in a few minutes.

Not if we-- Oh! Ow.

I know it hurts, but you have to be quiet, okay?

No. It's not that. I sat on something.

It was in my pocket.

Duncan, do you still have your slingshot?

Always.

What are you doing?

Take this.

Okay, I'm going to show you exactly where he is.

Do not fire until you know exactly where he is, okay?

Is this a firecracker?

We only get one shot.

Kelly.

Huh?

He blew into my mouth.

Okay, Jason. You can do this.

Just shut off the power.

And don't get your face blowed off.

Okay.

1...

2...

Buckle my shoe.

3.


[phone rings]

[Jason] Duncan, now!

Oh, fuck.

[thud]

[gurgling]

Holy fudge, what a hit.

Gee whiz.

I hope those were baby teeth.

What the hell?

Someone stole that guy's face.

[Kelly] Jason?

No. No. Eyes open, okay? Eyes open. Come on.

Hey, let's play the awake game.

We love that game. We love that game.

Oh, this really hurts.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, that's fun to say, right? It's fun?

Yeah. That's really fun. You were right.

Okay, just keep your--

Just keep talking, okay?

Keep your eyes open.

Kelly, you're so neato.

I really like you.

Jim told me to say that.

I don't want to be like him.

He's pretty sad.

And Frank pooped in the punch bowl.

Jason.

[police radio chatter]

[policeman] We've got a code 1141.

We've got a gunshot victim at the lumber yard.

[Eric] Hey.

Hey. Hey, man, wake the fuck up.

Ow! Ow!

I was shot there, you jerk!

Go whine like a little bitch.

I was shot, like, three times.

Whoa! Holy cannoli.

I want to be here for your first day, but I got to take care of something first.

Take your time.

I've been caught so many times, I know how it's done. I've got this.

She's all yours. Be good to her.

New Mystery Team, there's a mystery afoot.

Jessica Hellman's diary is missing.

I think Bobby Moss took it.

Where that nigga live?

Hey, Dad, can I have the car keys?

Don't forget about Brianna's recital tonight.

I won't. Bye, Mom.

Bye. Bye, Brianna.

Bye, Jason.

[car alarm beeps]

Sorry I'm just getting here.

You getting rid of this, too?

Yeah.

Uh, you're out of toilet paper, so I just toughed it out.

Hey, Jason. Ah. Hey, Charlie.

How are Brianna and Kelly?

They're good, you know. Brianna's good.

My mom loves having a little girl, and Kelly's at Dartmouth, so I'll see her at Thanksgiving.

Ah, so you're kind of like dating your sister, huh?

Well, no. Brianna was adopted by my parents.

Kelly is technically not--

That's awesome. That's awesome.

So you and Kelly, huh?

You guys...

Come on, man. You can tell me what this means.

Please?

No time, man. I got to get to my job, actually.

Oh, right. Medical technologies?

Uh, yeah. They treat me pretty well.

They give me benefits, and it's part time, so I can take those private eye classes I've wanted to.

Don't you need a degree for medical technologies?

You'd think so.

Take care, okay?

I'll miss you.

All right. I'll call, okay?

Ohh! [cough]

Ahh. Okay.

Well, countdown to your goodbye, right?

Yeah, U of M-- University of Miami.

It's Michigan.

Michigan.

Mom?

Please! Help me! Help me!

What happened?

I don't know. He just came out of the woods.

Please. Please. Help me. I don't remember my name, and they took everything.

They took everything... except this.

I don't know what it means.

Maybe it'll help.

Maybe-- Maybe it will. Maybe it will.

I don't know.

[together] Mystery Team! All right!

They cut off my fucking balls!

* Go, go, go, go

* Go, go, go, go

* Go, go, go, go

* Go, go, go, go

* Go, go, go, go

* Go, go, go, go

* Go, go, go, go

* Go, go, go, go


* Go, go, go, go

* Go, go, go, go

* Go, go, go, go