National Lampoon's Animal House (1978) Script

(Solemn instrumental music)


(Bell tolling)


Take off that beanie.

Hey, we're supposed to wear it until homecoming.

Don't be a fruit, okay?

(Sniffing)

(Exhales and sniffs)

Okay.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hi, there.

Doug Neidermeyer, Omega membership chairman.

Larry Kroger. This. . .

This is my roommate, Kent Dorfman.

Hi, there. Doug Neidermeyer.

And these are our nametag hostesses Mandy Pepperidge and Babs Jansen.

Hi, there, Kent. Hi, Larry. Hi.

Welcome to Omega House.

Thank you. Nice to. . .

Why don't we just go inside and meet some of the guys, huh?

(LAUGHING)

A wimp and a blimp.

(PIANO PLAYING)

Now, there are a lot of great guys here tonight, so don't feel you have to meet everybody.

We just want you to enjoy yourselves while you're here.

MAN: Well, Chip, I think you'll find that Omega House has more activities than most of the other fraternities on campus and they're far superior, I think. . .

Mandy. Hi. Oh, right there.

Hi, there, fellas. Like you to meet Ken and Lonnie.

Larry.

Ken, Lonnie, I'd like you to meet. . . Larry.

. . .Mohamet, Jugdish, Sidney, and Clayton.

Now just grab a seat, and make yourselves at home and don't be shy about helping yourselves to punch and cookies.

(Guests chatting)

(Piano continues playing)

Now, I'm not going to say that Omega's the best house on campus but a lot of outstanding guys figure they'll pledge Omega, or they won't pledge at all.

We do have more than our share of campus leaders.

Something that never looks bad on your permanent record, Chip.

Well, sure.

Everybody I talk to says Omega's the best, but I hate to seem you know, pushy.

Let the unacceptable candidates worry about that because after tonight they're. . . You are. . .

Kent.

I'm Greg Marmalard, President of Omega House.

And I'd like you to meet my friends, Mandy Pepperidge. . .

Hello. Hi.

We already met. . . .and Chip Diller.

How are you? Hi. How are you?

And over there is Terry Auerback, captain of the swim team and that's Carl Phillips, editor of The Daily Faberian and Clayton Sidney, Jugless, Mohamet, Lonnie. . .

Yeah, we already met.

Oh, super!

Then you'll have lots to talk about, huh? Yeah.

I don't know, Larry. I don't think you're trying very hard.

I hate this.

Look, no sweat.

My brother Fred was a Delta. That makes me a legacy.

They gotta take me. It's like their law.

Don't worry. I'll put in a good word for you.

Great. I heard Delta's the worst house on campus.

(LOUIE, LOUIE PLAYING)

(URINE SPLATTERING)

Excuse me, sir. Is this the Delta house?

Sure.

Come on in.

(PEOPLE WHOOPING)

Grab a brew. Don't cost nothing.

(MONEY PLAYING)

I've never seen anything like this before. I'll see you later.

Down to her underwear. I had a boner. I know I did.

(GLASS BREAKING)

And bump you $20.

Hi, guys.

I'll see another ten.

You guys playing cards?

You want another beer?

Hi. You want a beer, Larry? Sure.

Nice fish, huh?

Hi, Larry. I'm Robert Hoover, Chapter President.

Hi, Robert.

Katy, have you seen Boon?

He disappeared the minute we got here.

He's probably upstairs talking to Otter.

No doubt. They're well-known homosexuals.

Have another beer, Larry. She's just kidding.

Right, Bluto?

(WHISTLING)

You going out tonight, Otter?

Uh-huh.

Norma?

No. Let me give you a hint.

She's got a couple of major-league yabos.

Beverly.

No, but you're getting warmer.

Let me give you another hint. Does this ring a bell?

(IN FALSETTO) "Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God!"

Marlene.

Don't tell me you're gonna pork Marlene Desmond.

Pork?

Gonna hump her brains out, aren't you?

Boon, I anticipate a deeply religious experience.

Why are you so interested in my social life? Where's Katy?

Downstairs, pissed off about something.

She thinks you're an immature jerk, huh?

Yeah.

I don't take anything seriously.

She'll take this seriously. Try it.

Hey, are you guys coming down?

This thing talk?

There happen to be 50 people downstairs waiting to try and get into this fraternity.

Otter, you are the rush chairman.

I think you should be present at the rush party.

Hi. My name is Kent Dorfman.

Hey, Eric Stratton, Rush Chairman. Damn glad to meet you.

D-Day.

Hi. Eric Stratton, Rush Chairman. Damn glad to meet you.

Hi. That was Eric Stratton, Rush Chairman. He was damn glad to meet you.

Oh, Larry. Good. I see you've met D-Day.

Good. You're having a nice time. That's good. Good.

(CROAKING WILLIAM TELL OVERTURE)

Hey, Eric Stratton, Rush Chairman. Damn glad to meet you.

Nice to meet you. Nice tie.

Is that a clip-on, by any chance?

Boon, come on over and check this out.

Excuse me. Pardon me. Pardon me. Excuse me.

Pardon me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Pardon me.

Oh, 90% rayon. Very nice.

Hi, boys, having a good time, I hope? Excuse me, one second.

Did your mother buy that for you? Yeah.

Kent is a legacy, Otter. His brother was a '59. Fred Dorfman?

He said legacies usually get asked to pledge automatically.

Oh, well, usually, unless the pledge in question turns out to be a real closet case.

Like Fred. My brother.

Kent, come on over here.

I like the tie. Great tie, don't you think?

Katy!

(LOUIE, LOUIE PLAYING)

Hi. Eric Stratton, Rush Chairman. Damn glad to meet you.

Katy.

Katy, Katy, Katy. Where you going?

Home, Donald.

We just got here.

No, Boon, you just got here.

I've been downstairs for an hour entertaining some kid from Pig's Knuckle, Arkansas.

Maybe we could drive up to your folks' place this weekend.

Oh, fabulous.

My car, filled with your beer buddies going up to empty my parents' liquor cabinet.

It's too depressing to think about.

No.

Just gonna be you and me, and Otter and another girl.

Is this really what you're gonna do for the rest of your life?

What do you mean? I mean, hanging around with a bunch of animals, getting drunk every weekend.

No.

After I graduate, I'm gonna get drunk every night.

(HUMMING TANGO)

Boon, I think I'm in love with a retard.

Is he bigger than me?

Greg, what is the worst fraternity on this campus?

That would be hard to say, sir.

They're each outstanding in their own way. . .

Cut the horse shit, son. I got their disciplinary files right here.

Who dumped a whole truckload of Fizzies into the swim meet?

Who delivered the medical school cadavers to the alumni dinner?

Every Halloween, the trees are filled with underwear.

Every spring, the toilets explode.

You're talking about Delta, sir.

Of course I'm talking about Delta, you twerp!

This year, it's gonna be different.

This year, we're going to grab the bull by the balls and kick those punks off campus.

What do you intend to do, sir? Delta's already on probation.

They are?

Yes, sir.

Oh.

Then as of this moment, they're on double secret probation.

Double secret probation, sir?

There is a little-known codicil in the Faber College constitution which gives the Dean unlimited power to preserve order in time of campus emergency.

Find me a way to revoke Delta's charter.

You live next door.

Put Neidermeyer on it.

He's a sneaky little shit, just like you, right?

The time has come for someone to put his foot down and that foot is me.

Larry Kroger. All in favor.

Who cares? We need the dues.

Good. Larry Kroger is now pledged to Delta Tau Chi.

Next slide, please, D-Day.

(SCREAMING)

(ALL JEERING)

Just a minute. Just a minute. Just settle down.

This is Kent Dorfman. He's a legacy from Harrisburg.

(ALL CLAMORING)

Oh, come on, now. Okay.

Now wait. Okay.

Okay, this guy is a real zero. That's true.

Let's just think back to when you guys were freshmen.

Boon, you had a face like a pepperoni pizza, right?

And Stork here.

Everybody thought the Stork was brain damaged.

I, myself, was so obnoxious the seniors used to beat me up once a week.

So this guy is a total loser?

Well, let me tell you the story of another loser.

Get up!

Let's go! On your feet!

I. . . State your name.

ALL: I. . . state your name.

Do hereby pledge allegiance to the frat.

With liberty and fraternity for all.

Amen.

Sergeant at Arms.

Do your duty.

From now on, your Delta Tau Chi name is Weasel.

From now on, your name is Mothball.

Kroger, your Delta Tau Chi name is Pinto.

Why Pinto? (BURPING) Why not?

What's my Delta Tau Chi name?

Dorfman, I've given this a lot of thought.

From now on, your name is Flounder.

Flounder?

(LOUIE, LOUIE PLAYING)

(SINGING LOUIE, LOUIE DRUNKENLY)


We now consecrate the bond of obedience.

Assume the position.

Thank you, sir! May I have another?

Thank you, sir. May I have another?

Now what can we say

of John Milton's Paradise Lost?

Well, it's a very long poem.

It was written a long time ago and I'm sure a lot of you have difficulty understanding exactly what Milton was trying to say.

Certainly we know that he was trying to describe the struggle between good and evil, right?

Okay.

The most intriguing character, as we all know from our reading, was. . .

Satan.

Now was Milton trying to tell us that being bad was more fun than being good?

Okay.

Don't write this down, but I find Milton probably as boring as you find Milton.

Mrs. Milton found him boring, too. He. . . He's a little bit long-winded.

He doesn't translate very well into our generation and his jokes are terrible.

(BELL RINGING)

But that does not relieve you from your responsibility for this material.

Now, I'm waiting for reports from some of you.

Listen, I'm not joking. This is my job.

Come on, Mandy, honey. You know I'd tell you.

Are you and Greg doing the dirty deed or not?

Greg doesn't believe in premarital intercourse.

Too bad.

I think he's just dreamy.

MAN: Jumping jacks!

And one, two, three, four!

And one, two. . .

Company, halt!

Dress that line.

Dress that line, mister.

Dress that line, soldier.

Mister, hold my mount.

You fat, disgusting slob.

You're a goddamn disgrace!

A vicious mother, isn't he?

Yeah. He can't do that to our pledges.

Only we can do that to our pledges.

Redo those buttons. Dress that belt buckle.

Straighten that cap. And goddamn it, tuck up those pajamas!

Attention! Eyes front!

What's that on your chest, mister?

It's a pledge pin, sir.

A pledge pin?

On your uniform?

Hooked it. Shit.

(GLASS SHATTERING)

Just tell me, mister, what fraternity would pledge a man like you?

It's a Delta pin, sir.

Slice.

You'll report to the stable tonight and every night at 1900 hours and without that pledge pin!

Do you understand?

Your left arm is straight, but you're not keeping your head down.

You're all worthless and weak!

Now, drop and give me 20!

Ho! Whoa!

Ho. Get back in rank! Attention!

Always try to hit through the ball.

Whoa, big fella. Whoa, whoa.

Trooper, whoa. . .

(SCREAMING)

I gotta work on my game.

No, no, no. Don't think of it as work.

The whole point is just to enjoy yourself.

BOON: Now, I want you to fix Pinto up, but it's gotta be a very special girl.

Listen. You don't have. . . Now, she should be decent-looking but we're willing to trade looks for a certain kind of morally casual attitude.

Oh, you mean you want somebody he can screw on the first date.

Well put. You see, Pinto's never been laid.

Hey. What'd I say?

Cut it out. Look, you guys.

Don't embarrass me in front of Dave, okay?

He's the only professor I like. I know.

Mr. Jennings is a wonderful teacher.

No, teaching's a way of paying the rent, until I finish my novel.

How long you been working on it?

Four and a half years.

Must be very good.

It's a piece of shit.

Would anybody like to smoke some pot?

Yeah.

You ever smoked before?

Sure.

When did you ever smoke pot?

I've done a lot of things you don't know about.

Yeah?


(SPUTTERING)

I won't go schizo, will I?

There's a distinct possibility.

Is this right?

Just try not to drool quite so much on the end of it.

(COUGHS)

Hey, hey, Paula I wanna marry you I wanna marry you Hey, hey, Paula Hey, hey, Paula Nobody else could ever do Nobody else could ever do You've waited You've waited so long For school to be through For school to get through Be through Get through, Paula I can't wait no more for you I can't wait no more for you Okay.

So that means that our whole solar system could be like one tiny atom in the fingernail of some other giant being.

(LAUGHING) This is too much.

That means that

one tiny atom in my fingernail could be. . .

Could be one little tiny universe.

Could I buy some pot from you?

(SNORTING)

Whoa!


Give me that.

Yeah.

Yeah, baby.

Good baby, yes.

It's all right. You stupid son of a. . .

Dorfman, for God's sake, what kind of man hits a defenseless animal?

I've got a good mind to smash your fat face.

Yeah, but. . . Now listen up, you nauseating pile of blubber, your days are numbered here at Faber.

You and all your sick Delta buddies.

Meantime, your ass belongs to me.

Now, drop and give me 20!

Yes, but. . .

Hit it!

Oh, Trooper, baby. Baby, Trooper.

Come here, baby. Come here. Yeah, baby, yeah. Come here.

Yeah, cutie-pie, come on.

Yeah.

I want these quarters standing tall by 0900 tomorrow.

You got that?

Yes, sir.

Brother D-Day. Brother Bluto.

Do you hate that ying-yang?

Who?

Neidermeyer. You hate his guts, right?

I guess so. You guess so?

Yes, I hate him. I hate his guts.

Good. Now, we have an old saying in Delta:

Don't get mad. Get even.

(WHISPERING) Now, what we're gonna do is. . .


Nice horsey. Good. Come on. Let's go. Let's go.

He's in there.

Oh, boy, is this great?

Now finish it, Flounder.

Are you kidding?

I never shot anything before in my life.

I thought you hated Neidermeyer's guts.

I do.

And what about that horse? Is there anything in the world you hate as much as that horse?

Get it over with, Kent.

Just blanks, right? Right.


(BELLOWING)

(DEBRIS FALLING)

What's going on?

Holy shit!

There were blanks in that gun.

I didn't even point the gun at him.

Holy shit!

There were blanks in that gun!

Maybe he had a heart attack.

Holy shit!

(ALL SCREAMING)

If you want the homecoming parade in my town, you have to pay.

Carmine, I don't think it's right that you should extort money from the college.

Look.

As the mayor of Faber, I've got big responsibilities.

And these parades are very expensive.

You're using my police, my sanitation people, my three Oldsmobiles.

So, if you mention extortion again I'll have your legs broken.

Well, I'm sure I can arrange a nice little honorarium from the student fund.

And another thing, you better sit on that zoo fraternity of yours.

I don't want no drunken riots in my town.

Don't worry, Carmine. I've got those boys just where I want them.

We'll have the best homecoming parade Faber's ever had.

(WONDERFUL WORLD PLAYING)


Mandy.

Mandy Pepperidge. Well, I haven't seen you since we. . .

Go away.

I'm sorry. I can only stay a minute.

Let me buy you some lunch.

Oh, you've got your lunch. Well, how about some milk then?

You got your milk, too.

Can I just massage your thighs while you eat?

Do I have to leave?

Is this any way to treat an intimate friend?


I asked you never to speak to me again. Now will you go away?

(SNORTING)

(GROANING)

I do hope we're not interrupting anything, Mandy, honey.

Well, if you must know. . .

Eric was just leaving.

No, I wasn't.

I could make you leave if you ask me. . .

Bluto! Hey, I think you know everybody here.

Greg, really, can't you. . . No, don't worry.

Just keep your hands and feet away from his mouth.

Don't you have any respect for yourself?

This is absolutely gross.

That boy is a P-I-G. Pig.

See if you can guess what I am now.

(SCREAMS)

I'm a zit. Get it?

All right, you bastard, let's go. Right here.

(LET'S DANCE PLAYING)

Come on, Blutarsky!

Hey, why don't we go out tonight?

Otter, don't flatter yourself. It wasn't that great.

(INAUDIBLE)

Food fight!

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

MANDY: Oh, Greg. Look.

It's a star. Look.

Let's make a wish. Come on.

Starlight, star bright. . .

Hey, wait a minute. That's not a star.

Oh. It's moving too fast.

Probably a 707.

Those babies really can move across the sky.

Greg, is anything happening yet?

My arm's kind of tired.

I'm sorry, Mandy.

It's just that thing with the Deltas. Has me a little distracted.

I know.

God knows how they've molested women.

Anything?

Maybe a little faster.

Yeah. How's that?

Yeah. Yeah?

I'll bet that Eric Stratton's lucky he's not in jail.

I'll say.

What?

You'll say what?

I'll say what?

You said, "I'll say," when I said that Eric Stratton should be put in jail.

I'm trying to figure out. . . Darn it, Greg.

If you're not even gonna try, I'm just gonna stop.

Mandy, I. . .

Good night, Greg.

Good night, Mandy.


(GIRLS CHATTERING)

(SHRIEKING)

Stop, stop, stop.

Trying to steal your boyfriend? Her boyfriend.

And not your boyfriend? Not my boyfriend.

Speaking of boyfriends, Mandy, how was your date with Greg?

Good night. ALL: Good night.

(THUDDING)


That's it.


She broke our date.

Washing her hair.

Dead mother.

We're in trouble.

I just checked with the guys at the Jewish house and they said that every one of our answers on the psych test were wrong.

Every one?

Those assholes must have stolen the wrong fucking exam.

Oh, God, look what just creeped in.

Well, well, well.

Looks like somebody forgot there's a rule against alcoholic beverages in fraternities on probation.

What a tool.

I didn't get that, son. What was that?

I said what a shame that a few bad apples have to spoil a good time for everyone by breaking the rules. Put a sock in it, boy or else you'll be out of here like shit through a goose.

Yes, sir.

Now, have you boys seen your grade point average, yet?

Well, have you?

I have, sir.

I know it's a little below par. . .

It's more than a little below par, Mr. Hoover.

It stinks!

It's the lowest on campus. It's the lowest in Faber history!

Well, sir, we're hoping that our midterm grades will really help our average.

(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)

Laugh now, because you clowns have been on double secret probation since the beginning of this semester.

Double secret probation?

And that means, one more slip-up, one more mistake, and this fraternity of yours has had it at Faber.

Well, that was pleasant. Nice of him to stop by, don't you think?

We've gotta do something. He's serious this time.

I think he knows about the exams.

He's right. You're right. We gotta do something.

Absolutely. You know what we gotta do?

Toga party. Toga party.

We're on double secret probation, whatever that is.

We can't afford to have a toga party.

You guys up for a toga party?

Toga! Toga!

I think they like the idea, Hoov.

Oh, Otter, please don't do this.

I got news for you, pal. They're gonna nail us no matter what we do.

So we might as well have a good time.

Toga! Toga! Toga! Toga!

It's not gonna be an orgy.

It's a toga party.

Honestly, Boon, you're 21 years old.

In six months, you're gonna graduate, and tomorrow night you're gonna wrap yourself up in a bed sheet and pour grain alcohol all over your head.

It's cute, but I think I'll pass this time.

Want me to go alone?

Baby, I don't want you to go at all.

It's a fraternity party. I'm in the fraternity. How can I miss it?

I'll write you a note. I'll say you're too well to attend.

That's funny. Very funny.

Where'd he get the wheels?

From his brother. Yeah?

He's letting him use it for a week or so.

Flounder's bringing his girlfriend up for the weekend.

Flounder, I am appointing you pledge representative to the social committee.

Gee, Otter. Thanks. What do I have to do?

It means you have to drive us to the Food King!

Let's go. Let's go!

Food King, Food King, Food King.

Let's go. Food King, Food King, Food King!

(WHISTLING)

Otter, please.

What are you doing?

I'm fixing your sweater.

There you go.

(CLEARING THROAT)

Now, look. Stick by me, and keep your sweater closed.

Hey, I could get in trouble.

That's right. So, be cool.

Mine's bigger than that.

I beg your pardon?

Oh, my cucumber. It's bigger.

Vegetables can be really sensuous, don't you think?

No.

Vegetables are sensual.

People are sensuous.

Right. Sensual. That's what I meant.

By the way, my name is Eric Stratton.

They call me Otter.

My name's Marion. They call me Mrs. Wormer.

We have a Dean Wormer at Faber.

What a coincidence.

I have a husband named Dean Wormer at Faber.

You still want to show me your cucumber?

Nothing for me today, thanks.

It looks like you gained some weight since you came in.

It's just a prank. I'm pledging a fraternity.

Don't sweat it, sweetie. I won't tell.

Well, we're having a little party at the Delta Tau Chi house tonight and you are cordially invited.

I'm old enough to be your mother. Almost.

Besides, I have to go to the goddamn senior honors dinner tonight.

Well, maybe some other time.

Doubtful.

Maybe?

So if you're not busy, you wanna go to a fraternity party?

Will I be home by 12:00?

Sure. Any time you want. I'll pick you up at. . .

My dad would kill me if he knew I was going to a frat house.

Is it okay if I meet you there?

Is it okay?

It's terrific!

(TWISTING THE NIGHT AWAY PLAYING)

Well, girls, welcome to the Delta toga party. Come in.

Here, let me take your coat.

Great pair of togas.

Hey, why don't you help yourself to some delicious Delta punch and I'll join you in a minute.


Otter, this is Sissy, my steady girl, Sissy.

Sis, this is the guy I was telling you about. Hi.

Wow. You're even prettier than Kent said you were.

What a great dress. Yeah.

Listen, you two talk while I get some punch for us, okay?

Good idea. All right.

Kent's really a lucky guy. Why don't we go sit down somewhere?

I gave my Iove a cherry That had no stone I gave my Iove a chicken That had no bones I gave my Iove a story That had no end I gave

Sorry.

Hi. Hi.

You look great. So do you.

I had to wait until my folks went out.

Get me some more punch.

Thanks. Got a lot of catching up to do.

You wanna dance?

Huh? Do you wanna dance?

Yeah!

(SINGING SHOUT)


Hey, Otis!


(WHISTLING)

Yeah, yeah! Yeah, yeah!

(MOUTHING WORDS)


Gator!


(PEOPLE CHEERING)

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

Mrs. Wormer, I'm so glad you could come.

Cut the crap.

Give me a drink.

This is Hoover's room.

Oh, yeah? It's neat.


(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)


I think it's locked or something.

Just a minute.


Fuck her. Fuck her brains out.

Suck her tits. Squeeze her buns. You know she wants it.

For shame! Lawrence, I'm surprised at you!

Don't listen to that jack-off. Look at those gazongas.

You'll never get a better chance.

If you lay one finger on that poor, sweet, helpless girl, you'll despise yourself forever!

I'm proud of you, Lawrence.

You homo.


(DOORBELL RINGS)

My fault?

For Christ's sake, Carmine, how the hell could it be my fault?

One of those goddamn fraternities, I guess.

I don't know, but I got a pretty good goddamn idea which one!

I'm gonna string them up by the balls! That's what I'm gonna do!

(LAUGHING)

I just bet it was that Eric Stratton.

You know that for sure?

Well, no, but, you'd be surprised at some of the girls he's had.

Very surprised.

(CHATTERING)

Must've been some party.

Unbelievable!

A new low. I'm so ashamed.

Gee, I'm almost sorry I missed it.

What'd you do? Human sacrifice?

No, just some harmless fun. Buy me a dinner tonight?

Can't tonight. Busy.

Busy tonight?

(CLEARING THROAT)

(GAVEL POUNDING)

Please take your seats.

This meeting of the disciplinary council will now come to order.

We'll waive minutes and proceed directly with charges against Delta Tau Chi.

Sergeant at Arms?

(GAVEL POUNDING)

(HISSING)

The following charges are brought:

First, that the Delta House did knowingly violate the rules on governing pledge recruitment by serving alcohol to freshmen during pledge week and after established drinking hours.

I'd like to address these charges one at a time, if I may.

You'll get your chance, smart guy.

Now, get on with it.

Second, that for the fifth consecutive semester, Delta has achieved a deficient aggregate grade point average.

Half the houses on campus didn't make grades last year.

You will speak when you're told to speak and not before! Read.

Third, that the Delta fraternity routinely provided dangerous narcotic diet pills to its members during. . .

That's not true!

Not another word!

During midterm examination week.

And, most recently that a Roman toga party was held from which we have received two dozen reports of individual acts of perversion, so profound and disgusting that decorum prohibits listing them here.

(GAVEL POUNDING)

These are the charges as recorded this day 15 November, 1962.

Faithfully submitted, Douglas C. Neidermeyer, Sergeant at Arms.

(HISSING)

Well done.

Robert Hoover will speak on behalf of Delta House.

(CLEARS THROAT)

I don't think you can fully judge a fraternity without looking at the positive qualities of the people in it.

The Delta House has a long tradition of existence to its members and to the community at large.

I think we've heard enough, Mr. Chairman.

I was told I'd have a chance to. . .

That's enough!

The court will now render a decision.

But, look, you said I could speak. . .

He said, "That's it!"

Are you deaf?

Let's finish this damn thing.

Blow job!

(ALL COUGHING)

Blow job.

I don't think it's fair!

I'll tell you what's fair and what's not!

Eat me! Eat me! Eat me!

(GAVEL POUNDING)

Will you tell those assholes to shut up?

Hey, shut up, you assholes!

Mr. President, do we have to listen to any more of this?

Point of parliamentary procedure.

Don't screw around. They're serious this time.

Take it easy. I'm in Pre-Law, man.

I thought you're Pre-Med? What's the difference?

Ladies and gentlemen, I'll be brief.

What the hell do you think he's up to?

The issue here is not whether we broke a few rules or took a few liberties with our female party guests.

We did.

But you can't hold a whole fraternity responsible for the behavior of a few sick, perverted individuals.

For if you do, then shouldn't we blame the whole fraternity system?

And if the whole fraternity system is guilty, then isn't this an indictment of our educational institutions in general?

(ALL AGREEING)

I put it to you, Greg!

Isn't this an indictment of our entire American society?

Well, you can do what you want to us, but we are not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America!

Gentlemen!

MAN: Order!

(HUMMING THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER)

You're not walking out on this one, mister. You're finished.

No more Delta!

You bought it this time, buster!

I am calling your national office!

I am going to revoke your charter!

And if you wise guys try one more thing, one more, I'm going to kick you out of this college!

No more fun of any kind!

(YELLING)

(MOOING)

When my father was in Korea, see, he wasn't a flyer.

He was in the infantry, and he was an officer, of course.

How does it feel to be an independent, Schoenstein?

How does it feel to be an asshole, Neidermeyer?

What did he say?

Hoover says they won't even let us nter a float in the homecoming parade.

Some stupid zombies get to ride a pile of Kleenex down the street?

Hey, look!

BLUTO: Goddamn son of a bitch!

I'll kill you, you scumbag, jerk-off assholes!

Jesus. What's going on?

They confiscated everything, even the stuff we didn't steal.

They took the bar! The whole fucking bar!


Thanks. I needed that.

Christ.

Otter, this is ridiculous.

What are we gonna do?

Road trip. Road trip.

But you can't take the car, Otter! Fred wrote the mileage down!

He wants it back by Sunday. Please don't take the car!

It's very important! He'll get very mad at me!

Get in. You can't. . . No!

But, Otter, don't you understand?

He wants it back! Where'd you go?

He wants it back by Sunday!

Fred's gonna kill me! This car is expensive!

(ALL YELLING)

FLOUNDER: Please, I'm gonna get in trouble!

We can have fun, but drive carefully.

OTTER: We won't tell anybody that it happened.

FLOUNDER: I hear Dickinson girls are fast.

What should I say? I mean, how should I handle it?

Just mention modern art, civil rights or folk music, and you're in like Flynn.

You sure we have dates? Absolutely.

Boon, what's this chick's name again?

"Fawn Liebowitz."

Fawn Liebowitz and she was from Fort Wayne, Indiana.

I hope I score. Oh, boy. Oh, boy!

Turn the car around. I'll be right back.

(WHISTLING)

Excuse me? Can I help you?

Well, I'm here to pick up my date.

Could you ring Fawn Liebowitz for me?

Fawn Liebowitz?

Just a minute.

Hello, Shelly? This is Brunella at the desk. Could you come down here?

Now.

Because a boy just came in to pick up Fawn, that's why.

Thank you.

Is she coming down?

Her roommate is. Fawn isn't here. She. . .

Would you excuse me a minute?

Evening.

Hi, I'm Shelly Dubinsky, Fawn's roommate.

Hi, I'm Frank Lymon from Amherst, Fawn's fiancÚ.

Her. . .

Actually, we're engaged to be engaged.

What's the matter with everyone around here?

Why don't we sit down, Frank?

Sure.

I don't know how to tell you. So, I'm just gonna tell you.

Fawn's dead.

She's dead?

Did she put you up to this? Oh, that minx. What a lively sense of humor.

"Sophomore dies in kiln explosion."

Oh, my God.

I'm terribly, terribly sorry, Frank.

I just talked to her last week.

She was gonna make a pot for me.

If there's anything I can do. . .

You're so nice.

I really shouldn't impose on you.

No, really. Anything.

I just don't think I should be alone tonight.

Would. . .

Would you go out with me?

I'll get my coat.

And, could you get three dates for my friends?

BOON: Otter, holy shit!

Otis Day and the Knights! I don't believe this!

It feels so good to be back here at the Dexter Lake Club.

We'd like to do for you now a tune entitled Shamalamma Ding Dong. So, hit it.

Wait till Otis sees us! He loves us!

Oh, my God! It's dented. It's dented!

It's dented.

(SINGING SHAMALAMMA DING DONG)

(MUSIC STOPS)

We are gonna die.

Boon, we're the only white people here.

(CONTINUES SINGING)


You sure it's. . . Don't worry about a thing, man.

A double rock 'n' rye and seven Carlings.

Otis! My man!

You girls come here often?

Frank, are you all right?

Yeah. This is really fun.


I'm really sorry, Frank.

I know what you must be going through.

(SIGHING)

Would you rather be alone?

So, what are you majoring in? What?

What are you majoring in? Primitive cultures.

I need you so much.

I'm here, Frank, I'm here.

Move to your left a little.

Good.

Where do you go to school?

I wonder where Otter is.

Maybe I should go outside and look for him.

I used to touch Fawn this way.

I know. She told me.

She did?


Do you mind if we dance with your dates?

Why, no, not at all. Go right ahead.

If I was in your shoes, I'd be. . .

Leaving. What a good idea.

(ALL YELLING)

(SCREAMING)

Wait a minute! Hold it.

BOON: Compose yourself, Otter. We got to get out of here!

The Negroes took our dates!

Oh, my God, Boon! Please be careful!

Be careful! That's gonna cost hundreds of dollars to fix!

FLOUNDER: Oh, my God!

OTTER: We're out!

(ALL WHOOPING)

What baffles me is why Fawn would have gone out with boys like that.

They reminded me of criminals. They were horrible.

Well, I don't know, I think Frank was kind of cute.

(ALL EXCLAIMlNG DISGUSTEDLY)

Well, I really felt sorry for him.

He started crying and. . .

(ALL EXCLAIMlNG DISGUSTEDLY)

(PHONE RINGING)

(HEY PAULA PLAYING)

What'd Katy say?

She wasn't home.

Where could she be at 6:00 a.m.?

What is with you two?

I don't know. Something's wrong.

Women. Can't live with them, can't live without them.

Hey, you know where Mandy is?

She was supposed to come over to help make teeth.

Sure don't, Greg. She said she was just gonna wash her hair.

That's typical, just when we're doing something important.

(WHO'S SORRY NOW PLAYING)

Greg, I hate to see her make such a chump out of you.

What are you saying?

I'm saying that Mandy and Eric Stratton are having an affair.

But, I love you, Greg. That's why I had to tell you.

Babs, I want you to do something for me.

(TOSSIN' AND TURNIN' PLAYING)

Good.

I'm out of here. Katy?

Yeah? Good luck.


(MAKING KISSlNG NOISE)

Stop blubbering.

When I get through with this thing, you won't even recognize it.

Come on. Flounder.

You can't spend your whole life worrying about your mistakes.

You fucked up. You trusted us.

Hey, make the best of it. Maybe we can help you.

That's easy for you to say! What am I gonna tell Fred?

I'll tell you what.

I'll swear you were doing a great job taking care of his car, but you parked it out back last night and this morning, it was gone.

D-Day takes care of the wreck! We report it to the police.

Your brother's insurance company buys him a new car.

Will that work?

It's got to work better than the truth.

My advice to you is to start drinking heavily.

You'd better listen to him, Flounder. He's in Pre-Med.

(WHISTLING)

There you go now, just leave everything to me.

Hi, Katy.

I missed you.

Boon, I was gonna try and call you. . . MAN: Where are they, Katy?

Boon, I don't know what to say.

(DOOR SLAMMING) Boon, wait!

Shit. Must be in the kitchen.

What's the matter?

Yeah, there they are.

Are you sure, Babs? Why would Mandy want to see me?

Well, I'm sure I don't know, Otter. You'll just have to ask her, as soon as you can get there.

Well, do you know the Rainbow Motel on Old Mill Road?

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Bye.

Teddy!

Did you get the grade reports on the Deltas yet?

Yes, I have it right here.

Why didn't you tell me?

(CHUCKLING)

Good.

Good, good, good.

(WHISTLING)

It's Mr. Thoughtful with a dozen roses for you.

One, two, three, four, five.

Well, looks like we're gonna be a couple of flowers short, so some of you boys are gonna have to. . .

Where are the other two? Stratton and Schoenstein?

We looked everywhere, sir, but. . .

Never mind, it doesn't matter.

You gentlemen seen your midterm grades yet?

Well, they're not posted yet, sir.

I've seen them.

Mr. Kroger, two C's, two D's, and an F.

That's a 1.2 grade average.

Congratulations, Kroger, you're at the top of the Delta pledge class.

Mr. Dorfman.

Hello.

0.2.

Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.

Mr. Hoover, president of Delta House, 1.6.

Four C's and an F, a fine example you set.

Daniel Simpson Day has no grade point average.

All courses incomplete.

Mister. . .

Mr. Blutarsky.

0.0.

Now, I want you to tell Mr. Stratton and Mr. Schoenstein exactly what I'm about to tell you now.

What's that, sir?

You're out. Finished at Faber. Expelled.

I want you off this campus at 9:00 Monday morning!

And I'm sure you'll be happy to know that I have notified your local draft boards and told them that you are now all. . .

All eligible for military service.

Well?

Out with it.

(RETCHING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Relax, Greg, honey.

You know, I know, everybody knows that Otter certainly had it coming.

I don't think the Deltas will be giving us any more trouble.

No.

Greg, honey, is it supposed to be this soft?

Christ!

Seven years of college down the drain.

Might as well join the fucking Peace Corps.

My mother's gonna kill me.

I knew it. I knew it, I knew it, I knew it.

I can't believe I threw up in front of Dean Wormer.

Face it, Kent. You threw up on Dean Wormer.

(DOOR CLOSING)

Jesus Christ. What happened? You look grotesque.

Some of the Omegas did a little dance on my face.

Who was it?

It was Greggie and Dougie and some of the other Hitler youth.

Why, what'd you do?

I don't know. They're just animals, I guess.

Looks like I missed something.

Yeah, you did.

We're all officially kicked out of school.

Wormer just got our grades.

They kicked us out of school? That makes sense.

Hey! What's this lying around shit?

What the hell are we supposed to do, you moron?

War's over, man. Wormer dropped the big one.

What? Over? Did you say, "over"?

Nothing is over until we decide it is!

Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?

Hell, no! Germans?

Forget it, he's rolling.

And it ain't over now because when the going gets tough,

the tough get going!

Who's with me? Let's go! Come on!

(YELLING)

What the fuck happened to the Delta I used to know?

Where's the spirit?

Where's the guts, huh?

This could be the greatest night of our lives, but you're gonna let it be the worst.

"We're afraid to go with you, Bluto. We might get in trouble."

Well, just kiss my ass from now on!

Not me! I'm not gonna take this!

Wormer, he's a dead man! Marmalard, dead!

Neidermeyer? Dead.

Bluto's right.

Psychotic, but absolutely right.

We got to take these bastards.

Now, we could fight them with conventional weapons, but that could take years and cost millions of lives.

No, no, no.

No. In this case, I think we have to go all out.

I think this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody's part.

We're just the guys to do it.

Let's do it. Let's do it!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!


Tommy? Tommy?

Hi. Hi.

I'm Larry. Remember me, I took you to the party?

Wait a minute.

(DOOR OPENING)

So, how come you show up now? I didn't expect to see you.

Well, I never got a chance to say good night to you after the party.

No kidding. They almost pumped my stomach.

Look, is it okay if we go for a walk or something?

What do you mean, "or something?"

Well, I could get some beer.

No, not tonight, okay? Besides, you might get lucky without it.

Before we go any further, there's something I have to tell you.

I lied to you, I've never done this before.

You've never made out with a girl before?

No. No, I mean, I've never done what I think we're gonna do in a minute.

I sort of did once, but I was. . .

That's okay, Larry, neither have I.

And besides, I lied to you, too.

Oh, yeah? What about?

I'm only 13.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Hi, there.

Yes, well, marvelous day. Yes.

Excuse me. Excuse me, please. Pardon me. Excuse me, please.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Okay, kid, off that mailbox.

That's government property. Come on, let's go. Move, move it.

Excuse me, please. Would you hold this?

Thank you very much.

Excuse me.

My kid can't see. Is it all right if he stands in front of you?

No.

Hoover.

Hoover! Hoover!

Ow!

Hoover, where's Boon?

Katy, I don't think you should stay around here.

What're you talking about?

We all got expelled last night.

What? Why?

Where's Boon? Katy, listen to me.

I think you'd be glad later if you weren't here now.

May I have 10,000 marbles, please?

(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK)

Testing.

It gives me great pIeasure to present this ceremonial gold-pIated whistIe to this year's Honorary Grand Marshal Dean Vernon Wormer.

Mr. Marshal, the streets of Faber are yours.

Thank you, Mr. Mayor.

(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK)

(PLAYING THE WASHINGTON POST MARCH)


Let's go.


Sequence! Hut!

CADETS: Faber!

Faber! Faber!


(ALL SCREAMING)

Thank you, God!

Say, those guys are coming pretty fast.

What the fuck's going on down there? I don't know.

Let's stop this now. Charge!

Get up, you faggots! Get up and charge!

Stand up and fight for Christ's sake!

(SCREAMING)

Faggots! Faggots!

Remain calm. All is well.

(YELLING)

Cut the cake.

Look!

Oh, my God.


(REVVING)

Let's take the cheese.

I hate those guys.

Ramming speed!

Oh, boy, is this great!

(ALL SCREAMING)

All is well!

You can take your thumb out of my ass any time now, Carmine.

Remain. . .

This may seem an inopportune moment to ask, Dean Wormer, but do you think you could see your way clear to giving us just one more chance?

(SIREN WAILING)

Daddy! Mom, Dad, this is Larry Kroger, the boy who molested me last month.

We have to get married.

We should discuss this some other time, sir.

I know that you're very busy. . .

Come out of there!

Come out of there, you bastards!

OTTER: (IN FALSETTO) Who is it?

You know damn well who it is!

I'm sorry, you'll have to come back later, I'm doing the dishes.

Greg, look at my thumb.

Gee, you're dumb.


Bye.

Excuse me! Pardon me! Pardon me!

Hey, Neidermeyer!


(SIREN WAILING)

Don't you guys think you've had enough?

Okay, okay! Now, I'm really mad!

Now, you've had it! Officers, officers, please!

For God's sake, please! They're looting the Food King!

Come back and fight!

No prisoners!


(SCREAMING)


(ANIMAL HOUSE PLAYING)

Let me tell you 'bout some friends I know

They're kinda crazy but you'll dig the show

They can party till the break of dawn

At Delta Chi you can't go wrong

Otter, he's the ladies'man

Every girl falls into his hands

Boon and Katy playing cat and mouse

And Mrs. Wormer she's the queen of the

Animal House

Animal House

Animal House

Animal House

Animal House

Animal House

That Pinto he's a real swell guy

Clorette was jailbait but he gave her a try

Chip, Doug and Gregg they're second to none

They studied under Attila the Hun

Mr. Jennings has got his wig on tight

Flounder's left shoe is always on his right

Babs and Mandy are having a pillow fight

D-Day, Hoover Otis Day and the Knights

Do the Bluto

Come on, baby, dance with me

Maybe if we do the Bluto

We will get an "A '" in lobotomy

Do the Bluto Do the Bluto

Do the Bluto Do the Bluto

Let me tell you something

Dean Wormer tried to shut us down

But he fell and he broke his crown

He didn't know about the Delta spunk

He came in handy when we were short a skunk

At the Animal House

Animal House

Animal House

Animal House

Animal House

Animal House

Animal House

Animal House No, no, no, no, no

Animal House No, no, no, no, no

Animal House No, no, no, no, no, no

Animal House No, no, no, no, no

Animal House