Nearlyweds (2013) Script

OH!

THERE'S ONE QUESTION I ASK EVERY COUPLE THAT COMES TO ME TO GET MARRIED:

"DO YOU WANT A WEDDING OR DO YOU WANT A MARRIAGE?"

THERE'S A BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE TWO.

♪ ♪ WEDDINGS ARE EASY, AND THE ONLY WORRY YOU HAVE IN YOUR LIFE AT THIS MOMENT IS IF THE FLOWERS ARE PERFECT.

THINGS ARE NEW AND EXCITING, AND YOU'RE THE CENTER OF ATTENTION...

♪ ♪ NO PEEKING.

MARK!

YOU AREN'T SUPPOSED TO SEE ME BEFORE THE WEDDING.

IT'S BAD LUCK.

AW...

BUT I JUST COULDN'T WAIT ANOTHER SECOND TO SEE YOU.

SO...

HOW'D I DO?

IS THIS THE WEDDING OF YOUR DREAMS, OR WHAT?

IT'S PERFECT.

YOU ALWAYS KNOW WHAT I WANT.

I KNOW WHAT I WANT.

♪ ♪

[REVEREND MIKE]: A WEDDING IS A CELEBRATION FOR THE FAMILIES OF THE BRIDE AND GROOM TO COME TOGETHER AS ONE.

THEY SAY EVERY PEARL A BRIDE WEARS...

REPRESENTS A TEAR SHE'S GOING TO SHED.

THEY SAY WEARING BLACK TO A WEDDING REPRESENTS A MOTHER-IN-LAW WHO'S NEVER GOING TO BE ALLOWED TO MEET HER FUTURE GRANDCHILDREN.

YOU'RE TOTALLY MAKING THAT UP!

♪ ♪

[REV. MIKE]: WEDDINGS ARE CELEBRATING THE BEST IN A COUPLE, BUT A MARRIAGE IS ABOUT RECOGNIZING AND UNDERSTANDING EACH OTHER'S FLAWS...

IT WON'T GO UP.

SUCK IT IN, SWEETHEART.

...AND WEAKNESSES.

OH, NO! I'M TOO FAT!

I'M TOO FAT FOR THIS DRESS!

I'M JUST A BIG, FAT PIG, AND NICK IS NOT GONNA WANT TO MARRY ME, AND IT'S ALL OVER, AND I... ARGH!

I HATE THIS STUPID-UGLY STUPID DRESS!

[GOWN ZIPS UP]

IT WAS JUST CAUGHT ON A SNAG.

[GASPS]: YAY! I LOVE MY DRESS!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[REV. MIKE]: BUT NO MATTER HOW DIFFERENT THE WEDDING OR HOW DIFFERENT THE BRIDE, EVERYBODY WANTS THE SAME THING...

TO BE SWEPT AWAY IN THE JOY OF THE OCCASION AND TO SAY...

I DO.

I DO.

I DO.

THEN, BY THE POWER VESTED IN ME, I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU HUSBAND AND WIFE.

YOU MAY KISS THE BRIDE.

FINALLY. [CHUCKLES]

[REV. MIKE]: BUT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE PARTY'S OVER AND ALL THAT'S LEFT ARE THE TWO OF YOU, TOGETHER, TILL DEATH DO YOU PART?

♪ ♪

[FAMILY AND FRIENDS CHEERING]

[ROARS]: YES!

[REV. MIKE]: IT TAKES COMMITMENT, COMPROMISE, COMMUNICATION, TO MAKE A MARRIAGE LAST A LIFETIME.

BUT I'LL TELL YOU A LITTLE SECRET.

THERE IS MORE JOY TO BE FOUND IN BEING MARRIED THAN THERE WAS IN GETTING MARRIED, AS LONG AS YOU HAVE LOVE.

WITH LOVE, EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE ALL R... [GASPS]

[GULPS]

[THUD]

REVEREND MIKE!

♪ ♪

[PUPPY YAPPING]

♪ COFFEE TIME ♪ HEY! HI.

HELLO, MRS. PORTERSON.

OH, ALOHA, MRS. MILLER.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

I'VE ONLY GOT A FEW MINUTES BETWEEN ROUNDS.

THEY HAVE US INTERNS ON SHORT BREAKS AND LATE SHIFTS.

I'VE BARELY SEEN DAVID SINCE OUR HONEYMOON.

MM. THE DAYS OF CANDLELIGHT DINNERS AND SLEEPING IN ARE OVER.

YES. THANK THE LORD FOR CAFFEINE.

THOSE LOOK GOOD ENOUGH TO EAT.

YEAH, IF YOU LIKE LIVER AND PEANUTS.

MM. LIVER I CAN HANDLE, PEANUT WOULD KILL ME.

STAY BACK! WE DON'T WANT A REPEAT OF WHAT HAPPENED DURING SORORITY RUSH.

YES, ME COLLAPSING ON THE FLOOR IN ANAPHYLACTIC SHOCK PROBABLY WOULD NOT BE GOOD FOR BUSINESS.

HAVE YOU HEARD FROM STELLA?

I THOUGHT SHE WAS GETTING BACK FROM HER HONEYMOON LAST NIGHT.

[DOOR BELL JINGLES]: ♪ HELLO! ♪ WELL, IF IT ISN'T SADIE AND SADIE, THE MARRIED LADIES.

HI!

HI! HI.

[ALL GUSHING AND GIGGLING]

CAN YOU BELIEVE WE DID THIS?

WE'RE ACTUALLY MARRIED!

I CAN'T BELIEVE WE PULLED OFF THREE WEDDINGS IN ONE MONTH.

I'M JUST GLAD THEY'RE OVER.

OH! ACTUALLY, THAT REMINDS ME.

I'M JUST GONNA RETURN MY "SOMETHING BORROWED."

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS?

THANK YOU, BY THE WAY.

THAT GARTER WAS A HIT.

HOW WAS YOUR HONEYMOON?

I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO DESCRIBE HOW AMAZING ST. TROPEZ IS IN THE SUMMERTIME.

IT WAS JUST SO...

[GRUNTS]: AH! WHO AM I KIDDING?

MARK AND I DIDN'T LEAVE OUR HOTEL ROOM.

WHAT ABOUT YOU AND DAVID?

HOW WAS HAWAII?

OH, GUYS, COME ON!

DON'T YOU DARE FEEL BAD FOR ME.

I'M GOING TO GO ON A HONEYMOON, TOO, JUST AS SOON AS NICK LANDS THE PIEDMONT ACCOUNT.

I MEAN, DO YOU THINK, IF WE COULD AFFORD A HONEYMOON, WE'D BE LIVING IN A STUDIO APARTMENT DOWNSTAIRS?

SPEAKING OF MOVING, ARE YOU ALL MOVED INTO THE NEW PLACE?

OH, DAVID AND I HAVE BEEN LIVING OUT OF BOXES FOR WEEKS.

IT'S RIDICULOUS.

BUT, TONIGHT, WHEN I GET HOME FROM WORK, WE ARE FINALLY GOING TO GET SETTLED IN.

IN FACT, THAT'S IT FOR ME, GIRLS.

BACK TO THE HOSPITAL.

YEAH, GO.

I'LL SEE YOU SOON. YEAH.

BYE, BABE. BYE.

WELCOME HOME. THANK YOU.

OH! YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT REMINDS ME, I HAVE TO GET A MOVE-ON, TOO.

I AM BRINGING NICK HIS LUNCH TODAY.

OH?

WE ARE HAVING... A ROMANTIC MEAL TOGETHER.

OOH-LA-LA!

NOTHING SAYS "ROMANCE"

LIKE A "WORM" T-SHIRT AND EATING LUNCH AT A DESK.

OH, WELL...

THEY GAVE ME ONE FOR EARMITE MEDICINE, TOO.

SHOULD... SHOULD I CHANGE?

NO, I'M KIDDING! I'LL CHANGE.

I'M KI... NO, I WAS KIDDING.

YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL THE WAY YOU ARE.

[LAUGHS]: LET'S GO. I GOT TO LOCK UP.

♪ ♪

OH, MY GOSH! CASEY?

ANNA! HE... OH!

[LAUGHS AWKWARDLY]: HEY.

HEY-HEY. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE...

AT MY HUSBAND'S OFFICE?

I'M INTERVIEWING TO BE HIS NEW ASSISTANT!

REALLY?

OH, DON'T WORRY, SILLY.

I HAVEN'T THOUGHT THAT WAY ABOUT NICK SINCE I DUMPED HIM BACK IN HIGH SCHOOL, REMEMBER?

OH... I REMEMBER.

IT WAS RIGHT AFTER THE TWO OF YOU WERE CROWNED "PROM KING AND QUEEN."

AND I COULD NOT HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT MY LITTLE PROJECT MANAGER.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

YOU BET.

ANNA DELANO! IS THAT YOU?

NICKY, BABY!

YOU LOOK AMAZING!

YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED A BIT!

HEY, I'M HERE, TOO.

HEY, CASE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, BABE?

UM, I-I BROUGHT LUNCH.

OH. WAS THAT TODAY?

I TOTALLY FORGOT.

I LEFT A NOTE THIS MORNING, ON YOUR STEERING WHEEL.

YEAH, RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT.

I JUST... I'VE BEEN COMPLETELY SWAMPED.

I HAD NO IDEA IT WAS GONNA BE THIS COMPLICATED HIRING A SECRETARY.

YEAH, I MEAN, SURE, YOU WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU HIRE THE RIGHT PERSON...

SOMEONE WITH LOTS OF EXPERIENCE...

SECRETARIAL EXPERIENCE, I MEAN.

OH, CASEY, YOU REMEMBER ANNA, DON'T YOU?

MM-HMM.

SHE'S HERE TO INTERVIEW FOR THE JOB, OUR ARCHITECT RECOMMENDED HER.

SMALL WORLD, RIGHT?

YEAH. [FORCED CHUCKLE]

THANKS FOR UNDERSTANDING, BABE.

CAN I GET A RAINCHECK?

OH! SURE. I...

I REALLY SHOULD BE GETTING BACK TO THE STORE ANYWAY.

I WILL SEE YOU AT HOME...

HUSBAND, DEAR HUSBAND OF MINE.

CIAO.

OH, HEY, CASE?

YES?

COULD YOU... COULD YOU LEAVE THE FOOD?

WHAT?

I'M STARVED.

OH. OH! SURE.

THANKS. LOVE YOU!

DO I SMELL MEATBALLS?

OH, YOU LIKE MEATBALLS?

LOVE THEM!

AWESOME! WELL, WE CAN HAVE SOME IN MY OFFICE.

OH, MY GOSH! YOU HAVE AN OFFICE?

YEAH. OH, MY GOSH!

♪ ♪

[MARK]: STELLA, I'M HOME.

WHERE'S MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE?

I'M IN HERE!

HELLO.

SAY IT AGAIN.

"IT AGAIN."

NO, THAT I'M YOUR WIFE.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

MWAH! WELL, WIFE...

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?

WELL, I WAS JUST TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO WITH THE ROOM, AND I THINK I CAME UP A DECISION.

YES?

I WAS THINKING MAYBE, UM, SHELVES OVER HERE, AND A FILING CABINET HERE, AND THEN MAYBE A DESK FOR HERE, BY THE WINDOW.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

FOR MY OFFICE!

DO YOU THINK THE DESK SHOULD MAYBE BE SOMEWHERE ELSE?

YEAH. IN ANOTHER ROOM.

THIS IS GOING TO BE THE NURSERY.

FOR WHAT? PLANTS?

THE BABY.

WHAT BABY?

OUR BABY.

OH, WE HAVE A BABY?

NOT YET, BUT HOPEFULLY SOON.

MARK.

MARK, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

WELL, WE ALWAYS SAID THAT WE WERE GOING TO START TRYING WHEN WE GOT MARRIED.

YEAH, BUT NOT THREE WEEKS AFTER.

I WAS THINKING MORE LIKE IN A COUPLE OF YEARS.

MM...

WHY WAIT?

[SHE CHUCKLES]

HEY, DAVID?

YEAH?

I THINK THE MOVERS MADE A MISTAKE.

THIS BOX IS FILLED WITH CAT FIGURINES AND MOTHBALLS, AND SOME DUSTY OLD CANDY.

I, UH, I THINK, UH...

I THINK THAT ONE MAY BE... MY MOM'S.

WELL, WHY WOULD YOUR MOTHER'S STUFF BE MIXED IN WITH OUR BOXES?

HMM?

NO.

NO WAY!

YOUR MOTHER'S NOT MOVING IN WITH US.

ERIN, IT'S ONLY GONNA BE FOR A FEW MONTHS.

MAYBE A YEAR, TOPS.

WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOUR MOTHER MOVE IN WITH US?

YOU REMEMBER HOW DEPRESSED SHE GOT AFTER THE WEDDING?

SHE DECIDED TO COMPLETELY GUT HER CONDO.

I MEAN, NEW KITCHEN, NEW BATHROOM, AND THEN SHE ASKED IF SHE COULD MOVE...

IN WITH US.

AND YOU AGREED?

♪ ♪ HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN?

I KNOW, I KNOW, BUT SHE'S MY MOM.

I MEAN, SHE GAVE US THE DOWNPAYMENT FOR THIS HOUSE.

WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO TELL HER?

TELL HER TO CHECK IN TO A HOTEL.

COME ON, ERIN!

NO, DAVID. I'VE BEEN MORE THAN ACCOMMODATING WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR MOTHER'S ANTICS, BUT THIS IS TOO MUCH.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN HER "ANTICS"?

DID I SAY ANYTHING WHEN SHE STARTED CRYING AT OUR REHEARSAL DINNER BECAUSE SHE WAS, QUOTE, "LOSING HER ONLY CHILD FOREVER?"

NO.

DID I SAY ANYTHING WHEN SHE SHOWED UP TO OUR WEDDING DRESSED LIKE A SICILIAN WIDOW?

NO. DID I SAY ANYTHING...

WHEN SHE INTERRUPTED OUR FIRST DANCE AND STARTED ASKING US WHEN WE WERE GOING TO START TRYING TO CONCEIVE?

NO, BUT SHE'S...

FACE IT, DAVID.

SHE MANIPULATED YOU INTO DOING THIS.

HANG ON A SECOND.

MY MOTHER DOES NOT MANIPULATE ME.

[DOOR OPENS]: DAVID!

YOO-HOO! DAVID!

I'M HOME!

OH, THERE YOU TWO LOVEBIRDS ARE.

THIS HOUSE IS JUST DARLING.

MY SON'S FIRST HOME!

I'M SO PROUD OF YOU!

NOW, WHERE'S THE TELEVISION?

JEOPARDY'S ON.

OH.

ERIN, DEAR.

I'M SURE YOU WANT TO, UH, MAKE YOURSELF PRESENTABLE BEFORE DINNER.

[SIGHS]

NICE TO SEE YOU TOO, RENEE.

UM...

DAVID MENTIONED TO ME THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO COME STAY WITH US.

I KNOW! ISN'T IT FUN?

[FORCED CHUCKLED]

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE ALWAYS WELCOME IN OUR HOME, BUT SEEING AS WE HAVEN'T UNPACKED OURSELVES...

DON'T WORRY, DEAR.

I KNOW YOU NEWLYWEDS NEED YOUR PRIVACY.

I'LL STAY OUT OF YOUR HAIR.

HMM. OKAY. UM...

THIS IS THE FIRST I'VE HEARD ABOUT THIS, RENEE.

CALL ME "MOM"!

RENEE, I'M SO SORRY.

YOU CANNOT LIVE HERE.

OH.

'COURSE, I UNDERSTAND, DEAR.

I'LL LEAVE AT ONCE.

♪ ♪

[FRUSTRATED SIGH]

♪ ♪

[SIGHS RESENTFULLY]

I THINK ALL THE SHELTERS ARE PROBABLY CLOSED FOR THE NIGHT, BUT I THINK SOMEWHERE I COULD FIND A...

[VOICE CRACKS]: ...A PARK BENCH TO HUDDLE ON.

I'M NOT SAYING YOU HAVE TO SLEEP ON A PARK BENCH.

NO, NO. YOU DON'T WANT AN... [SNIFFS, THEN SOBS]

...AN OLD... [WEEPS] ...LONELY WIDOW INTRUDING ON YOUR HAPPINESS.

[GROANS THEATRICALLY]

MOM?

ARE YOU OKAY?

[RENEE]: DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME, DEAR.

GIVE ME THIS.

I'LL BE FINE. [SIGHS]

OKAY, I'M GOING TO HELP YOU TO YOUR ROOM.

ALL RIGHT. [SIGHS, FRAUGHT]

WE WOULD LOVE TO HAVE YOU.

♪ ♪

[CONSOLINGLY]: YOU'RE OKAY.

[SIGHS]

♪ ♪

[BOXING MATCH PLAYS ON TELEVISION]

HEY, NICK.

[MOUTH FULL]: HEY, GORGEOUS.

[TURNS VOLUME OFF]

WHAT'S FOR DINNER?

WHAT'S IN MY HAND?

NICK, YOU KNOW I'M OFF CARBS.

OH! OH, SORRY, WAS THAT A...

WAS THAT A REAL THING?

[LAUGHS]: YEAH.

NO, IT'S FINE.

I'M NOT EVEN HUNGRY ANYWAY.

OH, JUST PLEASE TELL ME YOU FIXED THE FAUCETS IN THE BATHROOM.

BECAUSE I AM COVERED IN DOG DROOL AND I NEED TO SCRUB EVERY INCH OF MY BODY.

YUP, ALL FIXED.

OKAY.

[TURNS VOLUME ON]

OH! WHAT?

[YELLS]: NICK!

YEAH?

[TURNS VOLUME OFF]

UM... WHAT IS THIS... DEAR?

OH, IT'S GREAT, ISN'T IT?

LOOK, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS MAKE SURE THIS METAL NUB HERE IS CLAMPED DOWN, AND THEN YOU TWIST.

AND IF YOU WANT IT HOTTER, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS BRING IT BACK AND TWIST AGAIN. HERE.

[CREAKING]

[SHOWER PELTING]

OH, WOW, THAT... THAT IS VERY...

RESOURCEFUL.

YEAH.

I, UH, FIXED THE DRIP IN THE SINK, TOO.

SO THERE'S NO PLUMBER COMING?

BABY, WHY WOULD WE SPEND MONEY ON A PLUMBER IF I CAN FIX IT MYSELF, HUH?

YOU'RE WELCOME.

[GRUNTS]

♪ ♪ BETTER?

MUCH.

HEY, WHO DID YOU END UP HIRING AS YOUR NEW ASSISTANT?

ANNA. DUH.

YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!

WHY? WHAT'S WRONG WITH ANNA?

SERIOUSLY? ANNA DELANO?

WITH THE LINGERING HUGS AND THE MEATBALLS AND THE...

SHE WAS HUNGRY.

I WAS HUNGRY, NICK!

[STYROFOAM CRUNCHING]

WHA... WHY IS THIS A BIG DEAL?

BECAUSE YOU DATED HER FOR THREE YEARS!

IN HIGH SCHOOL!

YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL.

SEVEN YEARS AGO!

SHE TORMENTED ME!

AND SHE BROKE MY HEART...

SHE BROKE YOUR HEART?

WELL... [SIGHS]

SHE WAS MY FIRST LOVE.

YOU KNOW THAT.

OH, COME ON, BABE.

THAT WAS JUST PUPPY-LOVE.

NOT LIKE US...

WE GOT BIG-DOG LOVE.

I'M TALKING LABRADOR-LOVE.

NO. GREAT DANE-LOVE.

OKAY? COME HERE.

WELL, THAT'S NOT THE POINT, NICK!

THEN WHAT'S THE POINT?

YOU'RE JEALOUS?

[SCOFFS BITTERLY]

YOU... COME ON, CASE.

SHE'S THE BEST SECRETARY I SAW.

SHE CAN TYPE, AND PLUS, SHE'S WILLING TO WORK LONG HOURS.

OH, I BET SHE IS!

WHAT WAS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

YOU KNOW WHAT, FIGURE IT OUT YOURSELF.

YOU'RE GOOD AT THAT.

DON'T YOU THINK YOU'RE OVERREACTING JUST A BIT?

[CASEY TURNS ON WATER, SHRIEKS IN TERROR]

[SHUTS WATER OFF]

[BLURTS]: AM I?

CASEY, ANNA PALES IN...

[SNICKERING]: ...COMPARISON TO YOU.

WHAT... WHAT... WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I JUST CAN'T LOOK AT YOU RIGHT NOW.

AND SINCE WE DON'T HAVE A BEDROOM WITH A DOOR THAT I CAN SHUT, I'M GONNA GO SLEEP UPSTAIRS IN THE STORE.

YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT?

LOOK, I'M NOT GONNA LET YOU SLEEP IN THE DOGHOUSE ALL NIGHT.

FINE! THEN YOU GO!

FINE!

WHA... WHAT? N... NO! I...

FINE! BUT CAN I AT LEAST PUT PANTS ON FIRST?

NO!

[NICK FUMES]

[WORDS CATCH, SIGHS]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

ARE YOU OPENING MY MAIL?

OH, SILLY ME.

I FORGOT THERE ARE TWO "MRS. MILLERS"

IN THE HOUSE NOW.

CAN I HAVE MY MAIL, PLEASE?

OH, MY GOD.

WHAT IS IT?

ARE YOU BEING SUED FOR MALPRACTICE?

WHAT? NO.

IT'S NOTHING.

[BELL JINGLES]

THANKS.

♪ ♪

[DOOR CREAKS AND JINGLES SHUT]

♪ ♪

[PHONE RINGS]

HEY, CASEY.

STELLA, DID YOU GET THE LETTER?

WHAT LETTER?

YOU NEED TO CHECK YOUR MAIL NOW!

LOOK FOR A LETTER FROM THE COUNTY CLERK'S OFFICE.

OH, WHAT? DID OUR MARRIAGE LICENSES FINALLY GET DELIVERED?

I'D LAUGH AT THAT STATEMENT IF I WASN'T DYING INSIDE.

[SNAPS]: HEY! NO FREE SAMPLES! [DOG WHINES]

ERIN'S ON HER WAY, SO YOU'D BETTER GET YOUR BUTT OVER HERE, PRONTO.

[CLAPS PHONE SHUT AND HUFFS]

♪ ♪

"THIS IS TO INFORM YOU THAT YOUR MARRIAGE LICENSE..."

"...WAS NOT PROPERLY SIGNED AND FILED IN ACCORDANCE WITH STATE LAW."

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?

IT MEANS WE'RE IN TROUBLE.

NONE OF US ARE LEGALLY MARRIED.

I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT REVEREND MIKE IS DEAD.

I CAN'T BELIEVE HE DIED BEFORE SIGNING ANY OF OUR MARRIAGE LICENSES.

I CAN'T BELIEVE NONE OF US ARE ACTUALLY MARRIED.

HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN?

WE NEEDED REVEREND MIKE'S SIGNATURES ON THE LICENSES TO MAKE THEM LEGAL.

IT SAYS HE HAD A MONTH'S WORTH OF BACKLOGGED PAPERWORK WAITING TO BE SIGNED.

AND WE ALL JUST HAD TO BE...

[TOGETHER, BITTERLY]: ...JUNE BRIDES.

THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE.

WELL, WE'D BETTER BELIEVE IT, AND WE BETTER FIGURE OUT WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO ABOUT IT.

OH, WELL, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'M GOING TO DO.

I'M GONNA CALL MARK AND GET HIM TO MEET ME AT THE COURTHOUSE THIS MINUTE SO I CAN DO THIS WHOLE THING OVER AGAIN.

I'M IN NO RUSH TO MARRY DAVID AGAIN, AFTER I FOUND OUT THAT HE AND "MOMMIE DEAREST"

ARE A PACKAGE DEAL.

I CAN'T TELL NICK.

AFTER THE FIGHT WE HAD LAST NIGHT, I DON'T KNOW IF HE'LL MARRY ME AGAIN.

HONEY, WHAT HAPPENED?

HE HIRED EVIL ANNA AS HIS NEW SECRETARY.

NO. [DOOR CREAKS OPEN]

WHO'S ANNA?

I AM!

[ALL]: ANNA!

[DOOR JINGLES]

WERE YOU TALKING ABOUT ME?

[STAMMERS] UH...

THAT IS SO SWEET!

SO, WHO'S YOUR FRIEND?

OH!

I FOUND THIS LITTLE GUY ON THE STREET AND HE STARTED FOLLOWING ME EVERYWHERE, JUST LIKE NICK USED TO DO IN HIGH SCHOOL. REMEMBER?

SO, I CALLED NICK.

OF COURSE YOU DID.

AND HE TOLD ME THAT YOU RUN A POUND!

I DON'T RUN A "POUND."

OR A SHELTER OR WHATEVER, SO... HERE YOU GO!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "HERE YOU GO"?

I MEAN, TAKE HIM. HE'S YOURS.

OOH...

HMM?

OH... UM...

NO, THANKS. PEANUT ALLERGY.

OH, GOOD. MM.

I DON'T RUN A POUND.

BUT YOU'RE GOING TO TAKE THE DOG, RIGHT?

-NO. -YES. -NO.

YES. NO.

YES.

NO-O-O.

OKAY THEN, WHATEVER YOU SAY.

♪ ♪

[DOOR CREAKS AND JINGLES]

HA! I WIN!

CASE, YOU DO KNOW SHE LEFT THE DOG, RIGHT?

WHAT?

[WHINES]

I TOLD YOU SHE WAS EVIL!

TRUE... BUT HE IS ADORABLE!

HELLO. COME HERE.

HI-I-I!

YOU ARE SO CUTE'N'PUFFY!

YOU'RE A LITTLE PUFFY-WUFFY, AREN'T YOU?

OH, YOU'RE JUST MY LITTLE CUDDLEPUFF!

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?

I DON'T KNOW, I MEAN, I CAN'T KEEP HIM.

MY LANDLORD BARELY TOLERATES DOGS COMING INTO THE STORE.

WELL, YOU CAN'T SEND HIM TO THE POUND.

NO. UNTIL I TRACK DOWN HIS REAL OWNER, I'LL JUST HAVE TO FIND SOMEONE TO KEEP HIM.

[CHILD-LIKE SING-SONG]: ♪ YOU ARE SO CUTE ♪

♪ YOU ARE MY LITTLE BABY ♪ I'M GONNA DRESS YOU UP IN ALL SORTS OF CLOTHES.

[DOG YAPS]

COME ON! GIVE ME LITTLE KISSES.

HELLO!

[GASPS] HI!

HI! [GIGGLES]

ARE YOU THIRSTY, BABY?

WANT ME TO GET YOU SOME WATER?

GO ON.

OH! YOU'RE SO CUTE.

OH, YAY. WE CAN FINALLY USE SOME OF THE WEDDING CHINA.

DON'T TELL MARK THAT I'M GIVING A DOG THIS BOWL, OKAY?

ACTUALLY...

I THINK IT'S THE UGLIEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN.

HIS AUNT ERIKA SENT IT TO US.

BUT DON'T TELL HIM THAT, EITHER.

[SIGHS HAPPILY]: BUT YOU CAN MAKE ANYTHING LOOK CUTE, COULDN'T YOU, LITTLE PUFFY-WUFFY?

'CAUSE YOU'RE JUST THE CUTEST LITTLE BABY I'VE EVER SE...

♪ ♪

PUFFY!

WHAT DID YOU DO?

♪ ♪

[LINE RINGING]

[PHONE RINGING OVER BLARING TV]

[RINGING]

[RENEE]: HELLO?

[TV CONTINUES PLAYING]

ERIN, IS THAT YOU?

RENEE?

CALL ME "MOM."

WHO ELSE WOULD BE ANSWERING YOUR PHONE THIS TIME OF NIGHT?

MY HUSBAND MIGHT.

OH, HE'S BEEN ASLEEP SINCE 8:00.

HE WORKS SO HARD AT THE OFFICE, AND PITCHES IN AROUND HERE, TOO, SINCE YOU'RE ALWAYS TOO BUSY TO KEEP HOUSE.

[CRUNCHING]

OKAY, WELL, I NEED TO SPEAK WITH HIM ABOUT SOMETHING IMPORTANT.

WOULD YOU KNOCK ON THE BEDROOM DOOR AND ASK HIM TO PICK UP THE PHONE?

OH, I JUST COULDN'T.

BUT I'LL TELL HIM YOU CALLED WHEN HE WAKES UP TOMORROW MORNIN'.

HOW'S THAT?

RENEE, I NEED...

YOU KNOW, DAVID AND I HAD THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME TOGETHER TONIGHT.

WE SAT IN THE LIVIN' ROOM, AND JUST CHATTED AND TALKED, AND...

AH, IT WAS JUST LIKE OLD TIMES.

MAY I SPEAK WITH MY HUSBAND?

PLEASE?

DON'T BE SELFISH, DARLING.

[FUMES IN RAGE]

[PHONE BEEPS]

[TV BLARING]

[CACKLES]

[MARK]: STELLA? I'M HOME!

[DOG STARTS YAPPING, MARK YELPS]

[STUMBLING, FEROCIOUS BARKING]

[ROARS]: STELLA!

[BARKING]

STELLA!

STELLA, GET THIS THING OFF OF ME!

STELLA!

GET IT OFF OF ME!

WHAT THE...

GET IT OFF!

PUFFY!

[MARK WHIMPERS] PUFFY!

[YAPPING] COME HERE.

GET IT...

[GRUNTS]

OH! HE LIKES YOU!

WHAT IS THAT... CREATURE DOING IN HERE?

IT'S A LONG STORY.

UM, YOU'RE NOT ALLERGIC TO DOGS, RIGHT?

NO.

OH, THAT'S GOOD!

BUT I HATE THEM.

OH, NOT SO GOOD. WHY?

[TINKLING]

NO SELF-CONTROL.

[STIFLES LAUGHTER]

PUFFY! NO!

[NICK SIGHS WEARILY]

HEY, BEAUTIFUL.

HEY.

HOW WAS WORK?

AW, COME ON, CASE.

I'M SORRY IF I UPSET YOU BY HIRING ANNA.

I KNOW YOU TWO DIDN'T GET ALONG IN HIGH SCHOOL.

SHE TORTURED ME. DAILY.

SHE'S A DIFFERENT PERSON NOW, I SWEAR.

[SCOFFS]

YOU HUNGRY?

I BROUGHT YOU SOME DINNER BACK FROM THE WHITE BIRCH.

ARE YOU TRYING TO BUY MY FORGIVENESS WITH FOOD?

IS IT... WORKING?

DEPENDS ON IF YOU ALSO BROUGHT ME DESSERT.

[DOOR CREAKS]

DAVID?

[WHISPERS]: GOOD NIGHT, SWEETHEART.

♪ ♪

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GOT A DOG WITHOUT CONSULTING ME FIRST.

WELL, I MEAN, I DIDN'T ACTUALLY "GET" HIM, WE'RE JUST TAKING CARE OF HIM FOR A FEW DAYS UNTIL WE FIND HIS OWNERS.

PLEASE?

HOW COULD I SAY NO TO YOU?

[LAUGHS]

GO AHEAD.

I SAW IT AND I THOUGHT OF YOU.

WHAT IS IT? MM.

IS IT A PASHMINA?

♪ MM-MM, MM-MM, MM-MM, MM ♪ IS IT SOMETHING NAUGHTY?

MM-HMM.

WOW...

I THINK IT'S A LITTLE SMALL FOR ME.

IT'S FOR OUR BABY, SILLY.

[SNICKERS]

MARK.

WE JUST GOT MARRIED A MONTH AGO.

YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY THINK WE'RE READY TO START TRYING.

I'M READY, AND I'M NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER.

OH! YOU'RE SERIOUS?

MM-HMM.

I DON'T WANT TO HAVE A BABY YET.

I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE MY CLOCK IS TICKING.

I'M ONLY 27!

AND THE YOUNGER YOU ARE, THE MORE YOUR BODY WILL RECOVER FROM THE TRAUMA AND THE QUICKER YOU LOSE THAT EXCESS BODY WEIGHT.

EXCUSE ME?

[QUICKLY]: I LOVE YOU!

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

WHAT'S THAT THING DOING IN HERE?

SHH! BABY IS SLEEPING!

I DON'T WANT AN ANIMAL IN MY BED.

GET HIM OUT!

WELL, YOU CAN'T ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT, CAN YOU?

YOU REMEMBERED ABOUT THE NO-CARBS.

OF COURSE I DID.

LISTEN, THERE'S SOMETHING I NEED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.

UH-OH.

NO, IT'S NOT BAD.

I MEAN, IT ISN'T GOOD, BUT IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

IT'S JUST... WE GOT A LETTER TODAY FROM THE COUNTY CLERK'S OFFICE, AND...

WAIT. THAT'S NOT YOUR SIGNATURE.

IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.

[AGHAST]: YOU HAD DINNER WITH ANNA?

OKAY, IT IS WHAT YOU THINK.

BUT, UH... I BROUGHT YOU THE LEFTOVERS!

[PUFF]

I'M IN THE DOGHOUSE AGAIN, AREN'T I?

LITERALLY.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

WANNA PLAY "DOCTOR"?

YES.

I DO.

♪ ♪

DAVID?

OOH! OH.

MOM! WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING?

OH, DON'T MIND ME.

I JUST CAME TO GET YOUR TROUSERS.

WHAT?

I JUST NEED TO PRESS THEM BEFORE YOUR BIG MEETING TODAY.

IT'S 6:00 IN THE MORNING, MOM, COME ON!

I'M SORRY!

I JUST CAN'T SLEEP PAST DAWN SINCE YOUR FATHER DIED.

OKAY, OKAY, JUST TAKE THE PANTS AND GO.

[AWKWARD CHUCKLING]

OH, HOW DO YOU WANT YOUR EGGS?

SCRAMBLED!

OKAY.

[CHUCKLES]: OH, GOD.

WHOA, WHOA! HEY!

WAIT! WHERE'RE YOU GOING?

I THOUGHT WE WERE...

MAKING A HOUSE-CALL?

WHY DON'T YOU HAVE YOUR MOMMY MAKE AN APPOINTMENT LATER?

ERIN.

ERIN?

OH, SO, I WAS LOOKING ON THE INTERNET THIS MORNING, JUST BROWSING, AND I SAW THAT THE CHERAMOYA MUSEUM HAS AN OPENING FOR AN ASSISTANT CURATOR.

STELLA, YOU'D BE PERFECT!

WHO SAYS A DEGREE IN ART HISTORY WAS A WASTE OF TUITION?

I KNOW, RIGHT!

BUT MARK WANTS TO START HAVING BABIES RIGHT AWAY.

YOU CAN WAIT TO HAVE A BABY.

YEAH, I KNOW, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I SAID.

[LOCKED DOOR RATTLES]

[KNOCKING]

HUH, THAT'S WEIRD.

CASEY WAS SUPPOSED TO OPEN UP AN HOUR AGO.

LET'S CHECK DOWNSTAIRS.

[KNOCKS AND OPENS DOOR]

CASEY?

I'M OVER HERE.

OH, SWEET LORD...

WHAT HAPPENED? CASEY?

ARE YOU OKAY?

EVERY TIME I FINISH A TUBE OF COOKIE DOUGH, I THINK I'VE REACHED THE LOW POINT...

AND THEN I FIND ANOTHER ONE IN THE FREEZER.

IS THAT COOKIE DOUGH IN YOUR HAIR?

[CREAM-MUFFLED]: MM. PROBABLY.

WHAT HAPPENED?

[BANGS CAN DOWN]

HE TOOK HER FOR DINNER AND THEN BROUGHT ME THE LEFTOVERS.

NO WAY! SHUT UP!

YEAH. I MEAN, AM I BEING THAT WIFE?

IT'S JUST...

WHEN I SAW HER...

WHEN I THINK OF HER...

I JUST THINK OF HIGH SCHOOL.

AND I KNOW IT'S WRONG AND STUPID AND I SHOULD BE OVER IT, BUT SHE'S MORE BEAUTIFUL NOW THAN SHE EVER WAS.

NOW HE GETS TO SPEND ALL DAY AT WORK WITH HER, AND HE WOULDN'T EVEN TAKE ME ON A HONEYMOON.

CASEY, STOP.

NICK LOVES YOU.

YEAH.

BUT HE DOESN'T NOTICE ME, NOT WITH ANNA AROUND.

I MEAN, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO COMPETE WITH SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

WITH THE BOOBS THAT DON'T NEED A PUSH-UP BRA AND HER STUPID FACE THAT LOOKS LIKE IT HAS MAKE-UP ON IT EVEN WHEN IT DOESN'T.

I JUST...

I'M STILL FEEL LIKE THAT UGLY GIRL WITH THE FAT CHIN AND ACNE AND THE...

OH-KAY, CASEY.

LISTEN TO ME FOR A SECOND.

LOOK, EVEN THOUGH YOU MIGHT HAVE BEEN A LITTLE... CHUBBY, YOU WERE STILL ONE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRLS IN THAT SCHOOL.

YEAH.

THAT'S WHAT THEY ALWAYS SAY TO THE FAT GIRLS IN BAD SITCOMS.

OKAY, CASEY, ENOUGH!

OKAY, WHEN I LOOK AT YOU, I SEE THIS SEXY AND SMART PROFESSIONAL WOMAN, AND YOU NEED TO SEE YOURSELF THAT WAY, TOO.

YOU KNOW WHO COULD HELP MAKE THAT HAPPEN?

WHO?

[TOGETHER]: SEBASTIEN!

WAIT. WHO IS SEBASTIEN?

♪ ♪ STYLISTS! CODE RED!

LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED.

SEBASTIEN'S TALKIN' TOTAL MAKEOVER!

♪ ...MARCHIN' TO THE RHYTHM OF THE DRUM ♪

♪ BUT I HEAR A DIFFERENT VOICE INSIDE ♪

♪ TELLIN' ME TO STAND MY GROUND ♪

♪ I'VE NEVER BEEN ONE TO STAND IN LINE ♪

♪ AND WAIT FOR MY TURN... ♪

♪ SO I'M... ♪

♪ DO BETTER THAN I'VE EVER DONE ♪

♪ DO BETTER THAN I'VE EVER DONE... ♪ LADIES, MAY I PRESENT...

CASEY...

2.0!

[ALL APPLAUDING]

NOW LET'S GO SHOPPING!

♪ ♪

♪ DO BETTER THAN I'VE EVER DONE ♪

♪ DO BETTER THAN I'VE EVER DONE ♪

♪ DO BETTER THAN I'VE EVER DONE ♪

♪ I'M GONNA SHINE BRIGHTER THAN I'VE EVER SHONE ♪

♪ I'M GONNA PLAY HARDER THAN I'VE EVER KNOWN ♪

♪ I'M GONNA SING LOUDER THAN I'VE EVER SUNG ♪

♪ I'M GONNA DO BETTER THAN I'VE EVER DONE ♪

♪ I'M GONNA... ♪

OH, ERIN, I WAS GONNA TELL YOU, THEY JUST OPENED A SENIORS' CENTER DOWNTOWN.

MAYBE IT'S SOMETHING YOU SHOULD LOOK INTO.

OH, THANKS, STELLA, BUT MY SPECIALTY IS ACTUALLY PEDIATRICS, NOT GERIATRICS.

NOT FOR YOUR WORK, YA GOOBER!

FOR YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW!

THEY'S ALL KINDS OF GAMES AND ACTIVITIES FOR OLD PEOPLE.

THAT'S THE BEST IDEA I'VE EVER HEARD.

MAYBE IF SHE FOUND SOME NEW FRIENDS, SHE WOULDN'T BE SO DEPENDENT ON DAVID.

THE MINUTE WE'RE DONE HERE, I'M GOING TO GO SIGN HER UP FOR EVERYTHING.

I CAN'T WAIT TO SHOW NICK MY NEW LOOK AND MAKE HIM THINK ANNA DELANO NEVER EXISTED.

DO ME A FAVOR FIRST?

YEAH? BURN THAT SHIRT.

I LIKE THIS SHIRT.

IT'S UGLY.

[LAUGHS]

♪ ♪

HEY, CASEY!

ANNA.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HAIR?

OH... GEE, THANKS.

NO! I MEAN, IT LOOKS GOOD.

REALLY. I'M NOT JUST SAYING THAT.

CAN I HELP YOU WITH SOMETHING?

NO, THANK YOU.

DO YOU WANT ME TO GIVE NICK A MESSAGE FOR YOU?

I DON'T WANT YOU TO DO ANYTHING...

OOH. OOH...

...EXCEPT FOR YOU TO MOVE OUT OF MY WAY AND LET ME SEE MY HUSBAND!

HE'S NOT HERE.

YEAH, RIGHT.

♪ ♪ OH.

HE'S IN A MEETING ABOUT THE PIEDMONT DEAL.

WILL YOU JUST PLEASE LET HIM KNOW THAT HE HAS A BIG SURPRISE WAITING FOR HIM WHEN HE GETS HOME.

OH, HE'S GOT A REALLY BUSY DAY.

WHO KNOWS WHEN HE'LL GET HOME?

[FORCED CHUCKLE]

♪ ♪ BYE, CASEY! MM-HMM.

THIS MAC-AND-CHEESE IS AMAZING.

I USED SHAVED PECORINO AND JUST A DASH OF TRUFFLE OIL.

I KNOW YOU'D BE SATISFIED WITH THAT ORANGE ATROCITY THAT COMES OUT OF A BOX, BUT... [SIGHS GRANDLY]

YOU KNOW ME, DELUSIONS OF JULIA CHILD.

I'LL ADMIT IT, YOU'RE DELUSIONAL.

[CLEARS HIS THROAT]

YOU KNOW, I HAPPEN TO LIKE THE ORANGE STUFF.

AND ERIN IS TOO BUSY SAVING LIVES TO COOK, SO I WOULD SAY THAT'S A PRETTY GOOD TRADE.

I'D HARDLY CALL PASSING OUT ASPIRIN AND GETTING URINE SAMPLES "SAVING LIVES."

SO, SOME FUN NEWS, RENEE...

CALL ME "MOM."

MY FRIEND STELLA TOLD ME ABOUT A NEW SENIOR CENTER THAT THEY JUST OPENED ON 6TH STREET, SO I SIGNED YOU UP FOR SOME ACTIVITIES.

YOU SIGNED ME UP?

WI... WITHOUT CONSULTING ME FIRST?

YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT!

THEY HAVE A BRIDGE CLUB, WATER AEROBICS A QUILTING CIRCLE...

QUILTING?

EXACTLY HOW ANCIENT DO YOU THINK I AM, DEAR?

OKAY, IF YOU DON'T LIKE THAT, THEN THERE ARE SOCIAL EVENTS TOO NEXT SATURDAY NIGHT, THERE IS A SENIORS' SINGLE-MINGLE.

WHY, TO EVEN SUGGEST THAT I WOULD PARTAKE IN SOMETHING SO...

TACKY!

OKAY, UH, I'M SORRY.

I THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE FUN FOR YOU TO GO AND MEET SOME NEW PEOPLE.

YOU KNOW, YOU NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE.

IF I'M SUCH AN IMPOSITION, I'LL PACK MY BAGS AND LEAVE TONIGHT, JUST SAY THE WORD.

NO, MOM. WE DO NOT... [SIGHS]

DAVID.

THIS WOULD BE GOOD FOR HER, AND IT WOULD BE GOOD FOR US.

I DON'T KNOW.

MOM?

♪ ♪

MARK, YOU LOCKED PUFFY IN THE BASEMENT?

'CAUSE IT WAS DRIVING ME CRAZY.

SKITTERING AROUND EVERYWHERE, DROOLING AND BARKING.

"HE." HUH?

OUR DOG IS A "HE," NOT AN "IT."

IT'S NOT OUR DOG!

PUFFY! HI!

HI!

OH, HI!

[PUFFY WHINES] OHH...

IS THIS WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO WHEN OUR BABY'S SKITTERING AROUND, DROOLING AND BARKING?

YOU MEAN CRYING?

WHATEVER. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

WELL, I LEFT THE LIGHT ON. [CHUCKLES]

NOT FUNNY.

AWW, YOU POOR BABY.

DID MEAN OL' MARK LOCK YOU IN THE BASEMENT?

IT'S OKAY. MOMMY'S HERE.

[LAUGHING]

MOMMY'S HERE.

WHAT?

YOU SAID "MOMMY."

I KNEW YOU HAD IT IN YOU.

[HUFFS] COME ON, PUFFY.

I THINK YOU AND I NEED TO HAVE A WALK.

♪ ♪

AND NICK GOT HOME SO LATE FROM WORK, HE DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE MY HAIR.

AND THE MAKEUP?

ALREADY WASHED OFF.

HERE, I'LL GO PUT SOME ACROSS THE STREET.

[STAPLER CLACKS AS CAR ENGINE ROARS]

STELLA!

[YELPS AS TIRES SCREECH]

I AM SO SORRY!

NO! I AM SO SORRY. I DIDN'T EVEN LOOK!

NO. I AM SORRY. ARE YOU... ARE YOU OKAY?

YEAH, YEAH. I'M FINE.

ARE YOU SURE? YES.

YOU'RE OKAY? I'M OKAY.

YOU KNOW, YOU COULD STOP TRAFFIC WITH JUST YOUR SMILE.

THERE'S NO REASON TO RISK YOUR LIFE, TOO.

BYE.

♪ ♪

ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE OKAY?

YEAH, I'M FINE.

WELL, IF YOU'RE GONNA BE RUN OVER, IT MIGHT AS WELL BE BY SOMEONE WHO LOOKS LIKE THAT.

[PHONE RINGS]

IT'S THE CHERAMOYA MUSEUM!

THE INTERVIEW.

I'M FREAKING OUT. WHAT DO I DO?

ANSWER IT!

OKAY, OKAY. AHEM!

HELLO? STELLA SPEAKING.

♪ ♪

[HORN BEEPS]

[STELLA]: I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY WANT TO MEET ME RIGHT AWAY!

CASEY, STEP ON IT.

[STELLA GRUNTING]

ERIN, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR LENDING ME THIS SUIT.

WE'RE GOING TO BE LATE!

LOOK, STELLA, CALM DOWN.

I CAN'T CALM DOWN.

THE ASSISTANT CURATOR POSITION AT THE CHERAMOYA IS MY DREAM JOB, AND I'M GOING TO MISS IT.

NO, YOU'RE NOT.

WE'RE GONNA BE FIVE MINUTES EARLY. I PROMISE.

YOU DRIVE, YOU CHANGE, AND I'LL PRAY WE DON'T GET INTO AN ACCIDENT AND DIE.

♪ ♪

STELLA!

THANK YOU!

BREAK A LEG.

THANKS, GUYS.

KNOCK 'EM DEAD!

♪ ♪

SIR? HUMAN RESOURCES?

THANK YOU.

♪ ♪

SORRY.

HI. I'M HERE FOR THE ASSISTANT CURATOR POSITION.

[QUIET CONVERSATION IN KITCHEN]

[RENEE CHUCKLES WARMLY]

OH!

ERIN, YOU'RE HOME. HELLO.

JUST IN TIME TO MEET HENRY, MY PARTNER AT BRIDGE CLUB TODAY.

THAT'S MY DAUGHTER- IN-LAW, ERIN.

NICE TO MEET YOU.

REALLY. RENEE DIDN'T MENTION HER SON WAS MARRIED.

HENRY, LET ME SHOW YOU OUT.

PLEASURE PLAYING WITH YOU THIS AFTERNOON.

WELL, LOOKS LIKE THE SINGLE-MINGLES ARE REALLY PAYING OFF.

ONE BRIDGE GAME, AND YOU ALREADY HAVE YOURSELF A BOYFRIEND?

HE'S NOT MY BOYFRIEND.

ALL HE DID WAS DRIVE ME HOME TODAY.

I ACTUALLY HAVE AS LITTLE INTEREST IN DATING HIM AS I WOULD IN EATING YOUR COOKING.

GEEZ, MOM. WHY DON'T YOU GIVE THE GUY A CHANCE?

SERIOUSLY. HE'S CUTE.

LIKE AN OLDER JUSTIN BIEBER.

I ONLY LISTEN TO COUNTRY MUSIC.

THAT'S NOT THE POINT.

HENRY AND I WON AT BRIDGE CLUB TODAY.

THE PRIZE WAS A GIFT CERTIFICATE TO THE WHITE BIRCH.

DINNER FOR TWO.

AND I WANT YOU TO HAVE IT. HERE.

THANK YOU.

WHY DON'T YOU GO TOMORROW NIGHT?

THEY HAVE ME WORKING ANOTHER LATE SHIFT.

OH, GOOD! WE...

"TOMORROW" NOTHING.

GO PUT ON SOME HEELS, BABY. I'M TAKING YOU OUT TONIGHT.

NO, DAVID, I DIDN'T MEAN...

MOM, YOU SAID THAT THESE WERE FOR ME, SO I AM GOING TO USE IT TO TAKE MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE OUT FOR A ROMANTIC DINNER.

JUST THE TWO OF US. OKAY?

FINE.

I'LL JUST STAY HERE.

ALONE.

HOPIN' NOBODY BREAKS IN AND KIDNAPS ME.

YOU SHOULD INVITE YOUR NEW BOYFRIEND OVER.

HE'S NOT MY BOYFRIEND!

OH, DON'T YOU SAY...

OOH...

DON'T YOU SAY A WORD!

MM-HMM. MM-HMM.

[BACKGROUND CHATTER]

[AMBIENT MUSIC, CONVERSATION]

I SAY THE DEAL IS OFF. I DON'T CARE HOW BIG...

HI. THERE'S MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE.

I'M SO SORRY I'M LATE.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

UM.. IT'S OKAY.

NEVER MIND. I WANT TO INTRODUCE YOU TO SOME PEOPLE.

STELLA, THIS IS BILL, HE'S THE HEAD OF ADVERTISING.

HEY, CASE.

OH. YOU'RE HOME EARLY.

[EXHALES]

OH, WHAT'S ALL THIS?

I KNOW...

I LOOK RIDICULOUS.

NO. YOU LOOK...

WOW.

I MEAN...

WOW.

WOW.

[BOTH GIGGLING]

MM-HMM, MM-HMM.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]

...AND THEN, THEY ALL DROPPED.

[MEN LAUGHING]

CRAZY. OKAY, EXCUSE ME.

CAN YOU BELIEVE MARK'S LITTLE BLONDE POODLE?

I KNOW.

IT'S SO OBVIOUS SHE ONLY MARRIED HIM FOR HIS MONEY.

MARK DESERVES SO MUCH BETTER.

I WONDER HOW LONG BEFORE SHE GETS HERSELF KNOCKED UP?

YOU KNOW, TO NULL THE PRE-NUP?

GOLD-DIGGING LITTLE TART.

[WOMAN LAUGHS DERISIVELY]

EXCUSE ME. UM...

BABE, CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND?

STELLA, I'M JUST IN THE MIDDLE OF A CONVERSATION.

PLEASE.

OKAY. EXCUSE ME.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT ME?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

EVERYBODY HERE THINKS I'M A GOLD-DIGGER WHO'S TRYING TO TRAP YOU INTO HAVING A BABY.

WHAT?

YOU SHOULD'VE HEARD WHAT THEY'RE SAYING ABOUT ME IN THE BATHROOM.

IT WAS HUMILIATING.

I'M SURE YOU JUST MISHEARD THEM.

NO. I DIDN'T.

CAN WE PLEASE JUST GO?

[GRUMBLING SIGH]

I CAN'T. IT'S MY PARTY.

OKAY. FINE.

SEE YOU AT HOME.

HONEY.

STELLA.

[BACKGROUND CHATTER]

[LOUDER]: EXCUSE ME. HONEY!

WOULD YOU HOLD... STELLA! PLEASE.

WHAT IS GOING ON WITH YOU?

YOU SHOW UP LATE, YOU WANT TO LEAVE EARLY BECAUSE OF A MISUNDERSTANDING...

IT WASN'T...

I'M REALLY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU.

OKAY, MARK, IF I AM SO DISAPPOINTING, MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST STAY SINGLE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, STAY SINGLE?

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT WHEN YOU GET HOME, OKAY?

JUST GO BACK TO YOUR PARTY.

NO, NO. I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, STAY SINGLE?

WOW...

[GIGGLES]

I LOVE YOU, CASE.

MM, I LOVE YOU, NICK.

THERE'S SOMETHING I NEED TO TELL YOU.

[BACKGROUND CHATTER]

IT IS SO NICE TO FINALLY HAVE SOME TIME ALONE TOGETHER.

A TOAST. TO MY WIFE.

TO MY HUSBAND.

TO US.

[CLINKING]

STOP!

THAT WOMAN IS NOT YOUR WIFE!

[SMACKS PAPER DOWN]

IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL, NICK, REALLY.

ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS GO DOWN TO THE COURTHOUSE AND MAKE IT LEGAL.

WHEN DID YOU GET THIS?

A WEEK AGO? I THINK?

YOU THINK?

A WEEK AGO.

I DON'T GET IT. WHY WOULDN'T YOU TELL ME THEN?

BECAUSE WE WERE FIGHTING.

WE WERE FIGHTING, AND I WAS AFRAID I WAS GOING TO LOSE YOU, AND I COULDN'T IMAGINE IT, BECAUSE I LOVE YOU SO, SO MUCH.

BABY, BABY.

WHY WOULD YOU EVER WORRY THAT YOU WERE GOING TO LOSE ME?

BECAUSE OF ANNA.

NOT THIS AGAIN!

LOOK, I'VE TOLD YOU A HUNDRED TIMES, THERE'S NOTHING GOING ON THERE.

I KNOW, BUT... DON'T YOU TRUST ME?

I DON'T TRUST HER.

OKAY, ENOUGH!

OKAY, LOOK, I DON'T KNOW WHO THIS JEALOUS GIRL IS YOU'VE BECOME, BUT IT'S NOT THE WOMAN I FELL IN LOVE WITH.

WAIT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WE'LL TALK ABOUT THIS MORE WHEN I GET BACK.

BACK? FROM PIEDMONT.

I'VE GOT BACK-TO-BACK MEETINGS ALL WEEK, SO I'M HEADING DOWN THERE TONIGHT TO CHECK INTO A HOTEL.

UNLIKE YOU, I TOLD YOU ABOUT THIS OVER A MONTH AGO.

YEAH, BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO RIGHT NOW!

NICK!

LOOK, I THINK WE BOTH COULD USE SOME TIME TO COOL OFF AND JUST THINK.

THINK? NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

NICK, DON'T DO THAT, BECAUSE THINKING IS NOT A GOOD IDEA.

NICK?

[ZIPPING]

OKAY, OKAY. NO, YOU'RE RIGHT.

LOOK, GO TO PIEDMONT, AND LAND THE DEAL AND-AND... THINK.

WE CAN GO TO THE COURTHOUSE WHEN YOU GET BACK.

[DOOR SLAMS]

[SIGHS]

♪ ♪ SO YOU GOT THE LETTER A WEEK AGO?

YEAH.

AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME BECAUSE YOU JUST...

FORGOT?

SORT OF.

OKAY, THEN.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO BE MAD AT ME.

MAD? WHY WOULD I BE MAD?

THIS IS GONNA BE A GREAT STORY TO TELL OUR KIDS.

[SHE LAUGHS]

KIDS. [CHUCKLES]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[PHONE RINGS]

MARK! THE PHONE.

LET THE MACHINE GET IT.

[RINGING]

YOU'VE REACHED MARK AND STELLA.

LEAVE A MESSAGE. [BEEP]

[MAN]: HELLO, STELLA.

THIS IS HAL BORKORWITZ, OVER AT THE CHERAMOYA MUSEUM.

GOOD NEWS, YOU GOT THE JOB.

WE'RE SENDING THE CONTRACTS OVER IN THE MORNING.

[PEE SPLASHING]

[CRACKLING, DISTORTED]: WELCOME ABOARD.

SEE, DAVID?

I TOLD YOU SHE WAS SNEAKY.

SNEAKY? YOU'RE THE ONE SNOOPING AROUND MY NIGHTSTAND TO FIND THAT LETTER.

LISTEN, MISSY, I'M NOT THE ONE ON TRIAL HERE.

NEITHER AM I. THIS IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!

[SCOFFS]

EVERYTHING ABOUT MY SON IS MY BUSINESS.

DON'T YOU THINK SO, DAVID?

YES, DAVID, IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK?

I... I THINK...

I-I THINK, UM...

LET'S GO.

WE CAN MAKE IT TO THE JUDGE'S, WAKE HIM UP, GET MARRIED RIGHT NOW.

WHAT?

WHAT?

WELL, I'VE GOTTA MARRY MY GIRL GOOD AND PROPER NOW.

DAVID, YOU CAN'T BE IN YOUR RIGHT MIND!

SHE LIED TO YOU!

DON'T YOU SEE THIS IS A HUGE A PROBLEM, DAVID?

ERIN IS NOT YOUR WIFE.

A PROBLEM I INTEND TO CORRECT.

SHALL WE?

[CRIES OUT]: DAVID, PLEASE!

THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE DOING.

I'M SORRY, MOM, THERE IS NOTHING THAT YOU CAN SAY TO STOP ME FROM MARRYING ERIN RIGHT THIS MINUTE.

[RENEE SIGHS DRAMATICALLY]

[BLURTS]: MY HEART!

MY HEART, HELP ME! MY HEART!

MOM?

HELP ME!

[DINERS MURMURING]

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

CALL A DOCTOR!

I AM A DOCTOR.

A REAL DOCTOR.

NO, NO. LET ERIN TAKE A LOOK AT YOU.

AHH. OOH... [EXHALES]

YOUR PULSE IS STEADY AND STRONG.

YOU HAVEN'T HAD ANY PROBLEMS BEFORE...

YOU DON'T KNOW THAT.

YOU AREN'T SWEATING, YOU DIDN'T HAVE ANY PAIN IN YOUR ARM OR LEG.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? IT MEANS SHE'S FINE.

I DEMAND A SECOND OPINION.

UH, MAYBE WE SHOULD GO TO THE HOSPITAL, JUST IN CASE.

CAN'T YOU SEE WHAT SHE'S DOING?

SHE'S FAKING IT, TO STOP US FROM GETTING MARRIED.

I-I CAN'T... BREATHE!

OKAY, WE NEED TO TAKE HER TO THE HOSPITAL RIGHT NOW.

SERIOUSLY?

YES. NO.

EXCUSE ME?

NO. I'VE HAD IT! I'M DONE WITH THIS GAME.

♪ ♪

[WHIMPERS] OH...

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?

WANT A BLUEBERRY, CUTIE?

CAN WE PUT IT...

HIM OUTSIDE, PLEASE?

HERE, PUFFY! FETCH.

WHAT'S ALL THIS?

WELL, YOU WERE JUST SO AMAZING ABOUT THE MARRIAGE LICENSE, AND...

I FELT BAD FOR BEING LATE FOR YOUR PARTY, SO I WANTED TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU.

THAT'S VERY NICE.

YOU STILL HAVEN'T TOLD ME WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU YESTERDAY.

I HAD A JOB INTERVIEW, FOR THE ASSISTANT CURATOR FOR THE CHERAMOYA MUSEUM.

ISN'T THAT AMAZING?

WOW.

YEAH, I MEAN, AT FIRST, THE GUY WAS REALLY GRUFF WITH ME, BUT THEN, YOU KNOW, I PUT ON THE OL' STELLA CHARM, AND IMPRESSED HIM WITH MY KNOWLEDGE ABOUT 19th-CENTURY ARCHEOLOGICAL DIGS, AND HE WAS PUTTY IN MY HANDS.

HMM.

THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

[CONFUSED LAUGH]

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I ACED THAT INTERVIEW!

I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU HAVE A NEED TO GET A JOB.

WE'RE FINE.

YOUR JOB SHOULD BE TO HAVE FUN, GO SHOPPING WITH YOUR FRIENDS.

YOU'VE GOT TO BE JOKING. COME ON, STELLA.

IF YOU WANT SOMETHING TO DO, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE CARE OF THE HOUSE?

I'M SORRY.

I THINK YOU'RE CONFUSING ME WITH THE MAID.

HONEY.

I JUST DON'T WANT YOU TO BE DISAPPOINTED IF YOU DON'T GET THE JOB.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I THOUGHT YOU WANTED ME TO BE HAPPY.

I DO WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY.

IN FACT, I MAKE A LOT OF MONEY SO MY WIFE DOESN'T HAVE TO WORK.

♪ ♪ LET'S JUST EAT BREAKFAST.

[WHIMPERING AND SMACKING]

PUFFY. NO!

OH, I TOLD YOU TO PUT HIM OUTSIDE.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.

I'LL GET BREAKFAST AT THE OFFICE.

[GRUNTS ANGRILY]

[TELEPHONE LINE RINGING]

YOU GOT NICK. LEAVE A MESSAGE. [BEEP]

HEY, HUSBAND.

I HOPE "HUSBAND."

I'M SORRY.

I KNOW I'VE BEEN ACTING LIKE A PSYCHOTIC JEALOUS WIFE.

I FEEL REALLY BAD ABOUT HOW WE LEFT THINGS, SO, GIVE ME A CALL, OKAY?

I LOVE YOU.

[DIALING]

[LINE RINGING]

[RECEPTION]: PIEDMONT HOTEL.

HI. MR. PORTERSON'S ROOM, PLEASE.

ONE MOMENT.

[RINGING]

HELLO?

HELLO? HELLO?

♪ ♪ EVERYBODY OUT.

OUT. GET OUT.

COME ON. FASTER, PLEASE.

I HAVE AN EMERGENCY. I'M SORRY.

I NEED YOU TO LEAVE. GET OUT.

OUT! GET OUT!

♪ ♪

DR. MILLER.

I'M A LITTLE BUSY RIGHT NOW.

UM, OKAY, WELL, UH, WELL, MOM IS FINE, AND IT WAS JUST A PANIC ATTACK.

YOU WERE RIGHT AND I'M SORRY.

SHOCKER.

ABOUT YOUR MOM, NOT ABOUT THE SORRY.

I'M REALLY SORRY.

THAT'S SWEET...

BUT YOU AND I NEED TO TALK FIRST.

REALLY TALK.

I NEED TO KNOW YOU'LL BE THERE FOR ME FIRST AND FOREMOST, DAVID.

I PROMISE.

I MEAN IT!

EVEN IF YOUR MOTHER DOESN'T APPROVE, EVEN IF SHE PRETENDS LIKE SHE'S CAUGHT IN A WELL OR BEING ATTACKED BY TERRORISTS.

SHE COULD BE ABDUCTED BY ALIENS AND I WOULDN'T BUDGE.

EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO EAT ORANGE MACARONI-AND-CHEESE OUT OF A BOX EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

AS LONG AS IT WAS YOU THAT MADE IT, I WOULDN'T WANT TO EAT ANYTHING ELSE.

I LOVE YOU, ERIN.

I LOVE YOU, AND I WANT TO MARRY YOU AGAIN. NOW.

SO WHAT DO YOU SAY?

MARRY ME?

[ERIN LAUGHS]

YES! OF COURSE.

I JUST... I CAN'T GO TO THE COURTHOUSE NOW, I HAVE TO FINISH BANDAGING UP MR. HIRSCH HERE.

THAT'S OKAY, THAT'S GREAT.

I'LL SEE YOU AT HOME, THEN?

OKAY.

I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU, TOO.

I LOVE YOU, TOO.

I LOVE YOU T... UM.

I'M JUST GONNA CALL ANOTHER DOCTOR.

♪ ♪

[STUNNED]: I GOT THE JOB?

♪ ♪

[HUMMING CHEERILY]

[DOOR OPENS]

OH, DAVID, YOU'RE HOME!

OH.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU'D BE BRINGING A GUEST.

HELLO, MOM.

DON'T CALL ME "MOM."

HERE TO PACK?

WE'RE HERE TO EAT. WHAT SMELLS SO GOOD?

I ONLY MADE ENOUGH FOR TWO.

HMM.

THAT IS A HUGE POT.

I HAVE A BIG APPETITE.

WELL, SO DO I.

LET'S EAT.

[WHACK]

♪ ♪

SO, ARE YOU PREGNANT?

NO. WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT?

BECAUSE I CAN'T THINK OF ANOTHER REASON WHY DAVID WOULD TAKE YOU BACK.

BECAUSE I LOVE HER, MOM.

I LOVE HER STRENGTH.

SHE'S SMART, SHE'S BEAUTIFUL, AND-AND SHE MAKES ME LAUGH.

I WOULD BE NUTS NOT TO WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH HER.

[BREATHLESSLY]: NUTS.

YEAH. THAT'S WHAT I SAID. NUTS.

ERIN?

[CHOKING]: PEANUTS!

DID YOU PUT PEANUTS IN THIS?

JUST IN THE SAUCE. IT'S PAD THAI.

SHE'S ALLERGIC! SHOT!

[WHEEZING INTENSELY]

WHAT'S SHE SAYING?

[WHEEZING]

SHE NEEDS HER ALLERGY SHOT.

OKAY...

OH.

YOU OKAY?

[PHONE BEEPS]

[LINE START RINGING]

[ERIN]: HI.

HEY. LOOK. TELL ME I'M CRAZY.

TELL ME I'M INSANE. JUST...

I'M SORRY, CASEY, I CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW MY MOTHER-IN-LAW JUST TRIED TO MURDER ME.

[BEEP]

HELLO?

ERIN?

[GRUNTS]

[STARTS CAR]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪ PLEASE TELL ME I'M WRONG, MARK.

PLEASE TELL ME YOU DIDN'T BURY THAT IN THE TRASH SO I COULDN'T FIND IT AND TAKE THE JOB?

[SIGHS HEAVILY]

YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND.

WHAT DO I HAVE TO UNDERSTAND?

YOU KNEW HOW MUCH THAT MEANT TO ME!

LOWER YOUR VOICE.

I CALLED THE CHERAMOYA.

IT'S NOT TOO LATE.

I'M TAKING THE JOB.

NO, YOU'RE NOT.

THAT IS NOT YOUR DECISION TO MAKE, MARK.

YOU DON'T GET TO MAKE THE RULES.

MARRIAGE IS ABOUT COMPROMISE.

OKAY? IT'S GIVE AND TAKE.

LOOK.

THIS ISN'T THE TIME OR PLACE TO DISCUSS THIS.

WE'LL DO IT WHEN I GET HOME TONIGHT.

I WON'T BE THERE.

♪ ♪ STELLA.

[SNICKERING] [MARK]: STELLA!

DID YOU GET ALL THAT, LADIES?

PLEASE STOP.

I COULD HAVE DIED.

ERIN, I'M SURE SHE DIDN'T KNOW THAT YOU WERE ALLERGIC.

EVERYONE KNOWS I'M ALLERGIC!

AND I REMINDED HER AT OUR WEDDING BRUNCH, WHEN SHE WANTED TO PUT NUTS IN THE SALAD.

HONEY, PLEASE DON'T LEAVE.

I'M SORRY.

SHE'S GONE TOO FAR.

I CAN'T BE IN THE SAME HOUSE AS HER.

SO WHO'S IT GONNA BE? ME OR HER?

ERIN, JUST LET ME TALK TO HER.

OKAY?

I KNEW YOU WOULDN'T STAND UP FOR ME.

ERIN, WAIT.

[GASPS]: OH!

OH, ERIN, I'M SO S...

JUST STOP. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT ANYMORE.

HONEY, PLEASE WAIT.

SWEETIE, I JUST...

SHUT UP, MOM.

♪ ♪

[BRAKES SQUEALING]

♪ ♪

WHAT ROOM IS NICK PORTERSON IN? I'M HIS WIFE.

[CLERK]: UH, 214, MA'AM.

♪ ♪

[ANNA GIGGLING, MUFFLED]

[ANNA]: NICK, TAKE IT OFF!

[NICK]: OKAY, FINE.

[BOTH GIGGLING]

♪ ♪

[NICK AND ANNA CHATTING ABOVE, INDISTINCT]

NO WAY.

♪ ♪

[GASPS]: MM! NICK!

CASE?

WHAT?

CASE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

HUH?

[LATTICE CRACKING]

I'M OKAY! OOH...

AH!

[THUD]

CASE! CASE!

[BUSHES RUSTLING]

[GULPS]

[THUD]

[SIREN CHIRPS]

WHAT WERE YOU THINKING, CASE?

WHAT WAS I THINKING? WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?

WHAT... WHAT DO YOU...

YOU LIED TO ME.

YOU TOLD ME THERE WAS NOTHING GOING ON BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU.

CASE... JUST PUT ON A SHIRT...

...AND GIVE ME BACK MY DIGNITY, NICK.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪ THANKS.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE WHAT RENEE JUST DID TO ME.

ERIN, NICK JUST CALLED.

CASEY'S BEEN TAKEN TO THE HOSPITAL.

WAIT, WHAT?

♪ ♪

UH... CASEY...

PORTERSON. IS SHE OKAY?

YEAH. SHE'S FINE.

LUCKILY, THE BUSHES BENEATH THE TREE WERE VERY THICK.

CAN I SEE HER?

SORRY. FAMILY ONLY.

I'M HER HUSBAND.

[SCOFFS] THAT'S NOT WHAT SHE SAID.

WE'RE HERE TO PICK UP CASEY PORTERSON.

WE'RE HER BEST FR... ...DOCTORS.

YEAH, HER BEST DOCTORS.

SURE. GO RIGHT IN.

♪ ♪ THAT'S NOT... THAT'S NOT VERY FAIR.

♪ ♪

ALL RIGHT, GIRLS.

LET'S MAKE A TOAST TO THE END OF MY MARRIAGE.

[RING CLINKS]

AND MINE. [CLINK]

AND MINE. [CLINK]

[GLASSES CLINK]

CHEERS.

YOU KNOW, THE THING THAT MAKES ME CRAZY IS THAT I LOVE NICK.

I REALLY, REALLY DO, BUT HE IS IN LOVE WITH ANNA, AND NO AMOUNT OF COMPROMISE OR COUNSELING IS GOING TO CHANGE THAT.

IT'S JUST THAT MARRIAGE IS SUPPOSED TO BE A PARTNERSHIP, AND I'M NOT GONNA JUST BE SOME GUY'S DOORMAT.

AND I AM DONE WITH MAMA'S BOY.

LET NICK RUN OFF WITH ANNA.

I MEAN, SHE CAN HAVE HIM, FOR ALL I CARE.

LET HER TURN OFF HER SHOWER WITH A WRENCH.

I MEAN, THINK ABOUT IT.

WITH THE MARRIAGE LICENSE SCREW-UP, IF NICK AND I SPLIT NOW, THERE'LL BE NO MESSY DIVORCE, NO LEGAL PROCEEDINGS, NO PRE-NUP...

♪ ♪

...AND NO MONSTER-IN-LAW.

♪ ♪ ARE YOU SURE IT'S OKAY THAT WE STAY HERE FOR A LITTLE WHILE?

OF COURSE.

YOU CAN STAY HERE FOREVER.

THINK OF MY PLACE AS A... NEARLYWED HALFWAY HOUSE.

YOU CAN STAY HERE FOR THE REST OF OUR...

MISERABLE, LONELY LIVES.

[SLURPING]

NO.

WE ARE NOT GOING TO SIT HERE AND MOPE AROUND LIKE THREE LITTLE LOVESICK PUPPIES.

WE... LET'S GET OUT AND DO STUFF AND HAVE SOME FUN.

COME ON, GIRLS. JUST ONE RULE.

[BOTH]: WHAT'S THAT?

NO MEN.

♪ YOU'RE CRAZY TO BE MARRIED RIGHT NOW ♪

♪ COULD YOU KEEP ME POSTED ON YOUR LIFE? ♪

♪ COULD YOU KEEP ME POSTED ON YOU AND YOUR WIFE? ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I THINK ♪

♪ YOU JUMPED RIGHT OFF THAT TRAMPOLINE ♪

♪ YEAH, I THINK ♪

♪ YOU WENT OFF AND GOT MARRIED ♪

♪ COULD YOU KEEP ME POSTED ON YOUR SISTERS? ♪

[MOVIE MONSTER ROARS, ACTRESS SCREAMS]

[GIRLS YELP]

♪ COULD YOU KEEP ME POSTED? ♪

♪ HEY, HEY, MISTER ♪

[ACTRESS SHRIEKING] OH!

♪ I FEEL A LITTLE BIT LEFT OUT ♪

♪ YEAH, I THINK ♪

♪ YOU'RE CRAZY ♪

[CELL PHONE RINGING] ♪ TO BE MARRIED RIGHT NOW ♪

♪ LA, DA-DA, DA-DA, DA, DA-DA ♪

♪ CRAZY TO BE MARRIED RIGHT NOW ♪

♪ COULD YOU KEEP ME POSTED ON YOUR KIDS? ♪

♪ COULD YOU KEEP ME POSTED ON ALL YOUR HOUSE BIDS? ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I THINK ♪

♪ YOU JUMPED RIGHT OFF THAT TRAMPOLINE ♪

♪ YEAH, I THINK ♪

♪ NONE OF THIS COULD HAVE BEEN FORESEEN ♪

♪ LA, DA-DA, DA-DA, DA, DA-DA DA-DA, DA-DA ♪

[ACTRESS ON TV]: I'VE ALWAYS LOVED YOU.

[STELLA AND CASEY START SOBBING]

♪ ...CRAZY TO BE MARRIED RIGHT NOW ♪

SHOULD WE WAKE HER UP?

SHE LOOKS HAPPY. LET HER SLEEP.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

WHO'S THAT?

NO CLUE.

UNLESS THE CHINESE FOOD DELIVERY GUY IS PSYCHIC.

THAT'D BE NICE.

WHAT'S HE DOING HERE?

WELL, IT IS HIS APARTMENT.

WE CAN'T TALK TO HIM.

IT VIOLATES THE GIRLFRIEND CODE OF ETHICS.

WELL, WE CAN'T JUST LEAVE HIM OUT THERE.

YES, WE CAN! CASEY WOULD WANT US TO.

I... I CAN HEAR YOU, GUYS.

MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST SEE WHAT HE WANTS.

IF YOU INSIST.

BETTER BE GOOD.

YES?

HEY.

CAN I COME IN?

CASEY'S ASLEEP, NICK.

AND SHE DOESN'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU ANYWAY, SO.

CAN I TALK TO YOU GUYS, THEN, PLEASE?

NOPE! SORRY.

CAN... PLEASE?

YOU'RE A PUSHY ONE, AREN'T YA?

SIC 'IM, PUFFY.

[YAPPING]

[PUFFY KEEPS YAPPING]

THAT'S A FRIENDLY... A FRIENDLY DOG.

SPEAKING OF DOGS... WHAT DO YOU WANT, NICK?

♪ ♪

SHE WON'T LET ME INTO THE APARTMENT.

SHE WON'T TAKE MY CALLS.

IT'S LIKE I DON'T EVEN EXIST.

MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE CHEATED ON HER, THEN.

I DIDN'T!

LOOK, IT WAS JUST A DUMB MISUNDERSTANDING, BUT I CAN'T EVEN TELL HER THAT BECAUSE SHE WON'T TALK TO ME!

I CAN'T EAT. I CAN'T SLEEP.

I'M... I'M FALLING APART!

[ERIN SCOFFS] WHAT?

MAYBE YOU SHOULD STOP THINKING ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT THIS AND START THINKING ABOUT HOW SHE FEELS.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW HOW SHE FEELS?

[STELLA LAUGHS]

WHAT?

NICK, WHY DO YOU THINK SHE'S DOING ALL THIS?

BECAUSE OF NOTHING THAT HAPPENED WITH ANNA?

NO.

YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND, THAT SEEING YOU WITH ANNA MAKES CASEY FEEL LIKE THE UGLY DUCKLING WHO NEVER GOT INVITED TO PROM ALL OVER AGAIN.

BECAUSE I WENT ON A BUSINESS TRIP?

[BOTH]: NO!

WHICH WAS ACTUALLY PRETTY SUSPECT.

BUT THAT'S NOT YOUR BIGGEST PROBLEM.

CASEY NEEDS YOU TO MAKE HER FEEL BEAUTIFUL AGAIN, AND SPECIAL.

I DO.

YEAH? WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU BOUGHT HER FLOWERS FOR NO REASON?

OR COOKED HER DINNER?

OR WROTE HER A GUSHY LOVE LETTER?

OR STOOD UP FOR HER WHEN YOUR MOTHER TRIED TO RUIN YOUR LIFE?

OR LET HER TURN THE NURSERY INTO A NEW OFFICE.

WHAT? I DON'T UN...

YOU GET THE POINT.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

HOW...

DO I GET HER BACK?

STOP BEING SUCH A JERK.

AND SWEEP HER OFF HER FEET.

♪ ♪ GO. DO IT!

YES. ALL RIGHT.

♪ ♪

ERIN?

IF YOU'RE GONNA TRY AGAIN, YOU PICKED A LOUSY PLACE.

THERE'S DOCTORS EVERYWHERE.

WHY HAVEN'T YOU RETURNED ANY OF DAVID'S PHONE CALLS?

BECAUSE YOU WON, RENEE.

WE'RE NOT MARRIED ANYMORE.

I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO DAVID, AND I CERTAINLY DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

YOU KNOW, ANY OTHER DAY, THOSE WORDS WOULD SOUND LIKE MUSIC TO MY EARS...

BUT NOT TODAY.

I REALLY AM SORRY FOR WHAT I DID.

YOU TRIED TO KILL ME.

THAT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

I WASN'T EXPECTING YOU TO COME HOME FOR LUNCH, SO I PUT PEANUT BUTTER IN THE PAD THAI, AND I DIDN'T THINK ABOUT IT UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE.

I MIGHT HATE YOU, BUT I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU DEAD.

I'D BE TOUCHED EXCEPT FOR THE PART ABOUT HATING ME.

[LAUGHS]: YEAH, WELL...

WELL, I'D HATE ANY WOMAN THAT TRIED TO TAKE MY DAVIE AWAY FROM ME, EVEN IF SHE IS A BEAUTIFUL DOCTOR...

WITH GREAT TASTE IN DECORATING.

LOOK. UM...

I'M NOT AS YOUNG AS I USED TO BE, AND MY SON...

IS ALL I HAVE LEFT.

THAT'S NOT TRUE.

YOU HAVE A DAUGHTER.

ME.

♪ WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES ♪

♪ AND I'D BE HAPPY TO MAKE THEM ALL WITH YOU... ♪

STELLA.

PLEASE DON'T GO.

[SCRAPING TABLE]

IT'S REALLY THAT EASY FOR YOU?

NO.

MARK, NONE OF THIS IS EASY. I...

I JUST... I CAN'T...

[TAKES A SHAKY BREATH, SIGHS]

I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS.

OKAY? I...

I NEED TO.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I THOUGHT I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED.

DID I NOT GIVE YOU THE PERFECT WEDDING?

RIGHT.

IT WAS PERFECT.

BUT THAT'S THE POINT, MARK.

I MEAN, I DIDN'T GET TO PLAN IT.

I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO PICK THE COLOR OF MY BRIDESMAIDS' DRESSES.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH FUCHSIA?

NOTHING.

IT'S PERFECT. FOR YOU.

THIS, ALL OF THIS, IS YOUR LIFE, NOT MINE.

IT DID MAKE ME REALIZE SOMETHING, THOUGH.

I DO WANT TO HAVE A BABY.

NOT RIGHT NOW.

NOT WITH YOU.

BUT IT'S... IT'S THAT...

IT'S THE DOG, RIGHT?

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M LOSING MY WIFE TO A DOG.

OKAY, FINE, I'LL BE NICE TO IT.

IT CAN SLEEP ON MY SIDE OF THE BED.

MARK...

IT'S NOT THE DOG.

IS THERE ANYTHING THAT I CAN DO TO CHANGE YOUR MIND?

[SNIFFLES, STIFLES SOB]

I'M SORRY.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪ I MISS YOU, BABY.

I MISS YOU, TOO.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

PLEASE COME HOME.

YOUR MOTHER CAME TO SEE ME TODAY.

I... HONEY, I TALKED TO HER, I SWEAR IT.

SHE WAS ACTUALLY...

NICE.

AS NICE AS YOUR MOTHER COULD BE.

OH, GOD. WHAT DID SHE SAY?

A NUMBER OF THINGS.

THE MOST IMPORTANT BEING THAT SHE'LL BE MOVING OUT.

BUT HER CONDO'S NOT GONNA BE DONE FOR ANOTHER EIGHT MONTHS.

SHE'S CHECKING INTO A HOTEL.

WELL, THAT'S...

THAT'S GREAT!

WE'RE PAYING FOR IT.

THAT, UH...

[LAUGHS]

WELL, I GUESS WE GOTTA DO WHAT WE GOTTA DO.

♪ ♪

[DOOR CREAKS OPEN]

[BELL JINGLES]

I SUGGEST YOU LEAVE BEFORE I SHOVE ONE OF MY HOMEMADE DOG PIES INTO YOUR PERFECTLY PLUCKED FACE.

AT THE RISK OF BEING ATTACKED, THERE'S SOMETHING I NEED TO TELL YOU.

THAT YOU ARE A SLIMY HUSBAND-STEALER WHO COULD USE A DOSE OF WORM FLUSH?

I'M ENGAGED.

WHAT?

ENGAGED.

TO BOB. NICK'S ARCHITECT.

THE ONE WHO RECOMMENDED YOU FOR THE JOB?

WHERE'S YOUR RING?

I LOVE BOB. I WOULD NEVER CHEAT ON HIM.

BUT-BUT... I SAW YOU AND NICK.

TOGETHER!

FIRST OF ALL, NICK KNOWS I'M ENGAGED.

SECONDLY, EW!

HE HAS HAIRY TOES.

THIRDLY...

HOLD ON. WE'RE ON THIRDLY, RIGHT?

YES.

THIRDLY, WE HAD SEPARATE HOTEL ROOMS.

I WENT OVER TO NICK'S ROOM TO HELP WITH PRESENTATION PREP.

WE ORDERED ROOM SERVICE, AND HE SPILLED CRANBERRY JUICE ALL OVER HIS SHIRT...

I SUDDENLY FEEL LIKE A HORRIBLE PERSON.

I WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND, CASEY.

DID YOU THINK ALL MY HUGS AND COMPLIMENTS ABOUT YOUR HAIR AND HEELS WERE JUST RANDOM?

I THOUGHT YOU WERE BEING SARCASTIC!

WHY DOES EVERYONE ALWAYS THINK THAT?

I'M SO SORRY I JUDGED YOU.

AND I'M SO SORRY I MADE FUN OF YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL.

I WAS AN IDIOT THEN.

I'M MUCH SMARTER NOW.

I REALLY APPRECIATE ALL THE APOLOGIES AND I'M SURE ONE DAY SOON WE'LL BE BESTIES, BUT RIGHT NOW, I JUST NEED TO FIND NICK BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.

HE'S DOWNSTAIRS!

TRUST ME, YOU DON'T WANT TO EAT THAT.

♪ ♪

NICK?

♪ ♪

♪ AH, AH, ALL OVER ♪

♪ AH, AH ♪

♪ ALL OVER AGAIN ♪

♪ AH, AH ♪ I'M SO, SO SORRY I DIDN'T TRUST YOU AND BELIEVE YOU AND I KNOW YOU'RE NOT CHEATING ON ME WITH ANNA...

AND I'M SORRY THAT I DIDN'T TELL YOU THAT ANNA AND BOB WERE ENGAGED.

WHY DIDN'T YOU?

I THOUGHT YOU KNEW.

[CHUCKLES]

I GOT YOU SOMETHING.

WELL, STELLA PICKED IT OUT.

IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

PUT IT ON FOR ME?

♪ YOU ASKED ME IF I'D BE YOUR ONE AND ONLY ♪

♪ TO HAVE AND TO HOLD ♪

♪ STANDING HERE ♪

♪ IN FRONT OF ME ♪

♪ THIS IS EVERYTHING ♪

♪ LOVE IS MEANT TO BE ♪ I GOT YOU THIS.

A PROM CROWN?

YOUR PROM CROWN.

[CASEY GIGGLES]

CASEY...

DON'T YOU KNOW BY NOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT YOU?

I MEAN, TO ME, YOU ARE SO...

[SIGHS]

...BEAUTIFUL.

YOU'RE QUIRKY.

YOU'RE FUN.

YOU'RE...

CRAZY AND POSSESSIVE AND JEALOUS?

PASSIONATE.

YOU'VE GOT NOTHING TO BE JEALOUS ABOUT.

THOSE GIRLS BACK IN HIGH SCHOOL WERE SO FAKE.

EVEN ANNA.

WHY WOULD I WANT THEM WHEN I GOT THE REAL DEAL RIGHT HERE?

I LOVE YOU...

JUST THE WAY YOU ARE.

♪ ♪ UM, I'M MISSING SOMETHING.

WHAT... [LAUGHS]

MARRY ME?

AGAIN?

YES!

YES, YES. AGAIN.

AND AGAIN AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN AND AGAIN!

[CASEY LAUGHING]

ALL RIGHT.

UH... OH! OH, YEAH.

I ALMOST FORGOT.

I OWE MY GIRL A HONEYMOON.

AND I CALLED A PLUMBER.

NICK, I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU, TOO.

♪ FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU ♪

♪ ALL OVER AGAIN ♪

♪ FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU ♪

♪ ALL OVER AGAIN ♪

♪ FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU ♪

♪ ALL OVER AGAIN ♪

♪ FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU ♪

♪ ALL OVER AGAIN ♪ OH, I'M STILL GONNA MISS YOU SO MUCH.

MOM, WE'RE ONLY GONNA BE TWO MILES AWAY FROM EACH OTHER, AND WE'LL SEE EACH OTHER EVERY FRIDAY FOR DINNER.

ARE THESE MY BABY TEETH?

[CHUCKLES]

I JUST LIKE TO THINK YOU'RE ALWAYS SMILING AT ME, NO MATTER HOW FAR AWAY YOU ARE.

LUNCH IS SERVED.

OH!

THANK YOU, HON.

AH, NO PECORINO OR TRUFFLE OIL?

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOIN'?

THIS WOMAN SLAVED FOR HOURS...

MINUTES.

...MINUTES OVER YOUR LUNCH.

YOU WILL APPRECIATE IT, AND HER.

SHE'S A DOCTOR.

THANKS, MOM.

OH, YOU JUST CALLED ME "MOM."

SO CAN I GET THE PECORINO OR...?

[BOTH]: NO!

♪ AH, AH, AH, AH ALL OVER... ♪ CAN YOU GUYS GO BACK TO HATING EACH OTHER?

NO.

♪ AH, AH, ALL OVER AGAIN... ♪ MM!

COFFEE TIME!

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY SO MANY APARTMENTS DON'T ALLOW DOGS.

THEY'RE CLEANER AND QUIETER, AND WAY LESS TROUBLE THAN MEN.

YOU SHOULD CHECK THIS BULLETIN BOARD AT THE HOSPITAL WITH AVAILABLE APARTMENTS.

DOES IT ALSO LIST AVAILABLE DOCTORS?

NO! [LAUGHS]

I AM TAKING A BREAK FROM MEN.

[JINGLING]

WILLIS?

[LAUGHS]: WILLIS! [PUFFY YAPPING]

WILLIS, COME HERE!

COME HERE, BOY.

WILLIS! WILLIS!

WHO'S THIS? WHO'S THIS? WILLIS!

"WILLIS"?

I SAW THE SIGN IN THE WINDOW!

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'VE FOUND WILLIS!

UH, NO. HIS NAME IS NOT "WILLIS."

IT'S "PUFFY,"

AND HE'S MINE.

I REMEMBER YOU.

YOU HAVE BEEN TAKING CARE OF WILLIS?

WOW, BUDDY!

NO WONDER YOU DIDN'T WANT TO COME HOME.

THANK YOU SO, SO MUCH!

THE GARDENER LEFT THE BACK GATE OPEN.

I'VE BEEN WORRIED SICK ABOUT THIS GUY!

PUFFY-WUFFY IS YOUR DOG?

YEAH.

UM, MY EX-WIFE, SHE INSISTED ON THE PRE-NUP, AND SO I INSISTED ON THE DOG.

I JUST LOVE THIS LITTLE RASCAL.

I PUT SIGNS UP ALL OVER TOWN.

WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL?

I DID. NO ONE ANSWERED.

OH, RIGHT.

HE ACTUALLY RUINED MY ANSWERING MACHINE BY PEEING ON IT.

YEAH... WE'VE BEEN WORKING ON THAT, HAVEN'T WE?

[HE CHUCKLES, THEN STOPS]

YOU OKAY?

YEAH, I... [VOICE CRACKS]

IT'S JUST...

[WILLIS WHIMPERS]

I'VE BEEN TAKING CARE OF HIM, AND...

I LOVE HIM.

YEAH. WELL, LOOK AT THAT, BUDDY.

YOU'RE BREAKING HEARTS EVERYWHERE YOU GO.

I'VE HAD HIM SINCE... SINCE HE WAS A PUPPY.

I'M REALLY SORRY, BUT HE'S... HE'S MY DOG.

[SIGHS]

I KNOW.

HE'S YOURS.

WELL, I'M GLAD YOU FOUND YOUR OWNER, PUFFY.

[WILLIS WHIMPERS]

NOW, YOU BE GOOD FOR MR. HUNKY.

[HE CHUCKLES]

HERE.

OH, NO. I-I DON'T NEED A REWARD.

IT WAS FINE.

OH, NO. IT'S, UM, IT'S MY NUMBER.

YOU HAVE OBVIOUSLY TAKEN SUCH GOOD CARE OF HIM.

YOU DESERVE A MASSIVE THANK-YOU.

TALKING, LIKE, A THREE-COURSE MEAL...

THERE'LL BE DRINKS AND DANCING...

I... I... I DON'T KNOW.

WELL, OKAY.

WELL, SUIT YOURSELF, BUT ALL I ASK IS THAT YOU THINK ABOUT IT.

OKAY. I WILL.

OKAY. OKAY.

AND WE CAN DISCUSS VISITATION RIGHTS.

[WILLIS YAPS]

OKAY, WAIT. ACTUALLY, I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT IT.

UM... YOU HUNGRY?

HOW ABOUT NOW?

WELL, I'M STARVING.

UM, JUST... JUST SO THAT YOU KNOW, HE'S BEEN ON A RAW-FOOD DIET?

REALLY? YEAH.

'CAUSE HIS COAT IS SO SOFT AND SHINY.

THAT MAKES SENSE.

YEAH. I DID THAT.

HE WAS A LITTLE BIT FAT WHEN I FOUND HIM.

SO I THOUGHT... FAT?

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH...

♪ ♪

[ALL LAUGHING]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ ♪ FINALLY!

[CHEERING]

[LAUGHTER]

GO, STELLA!

[SQUEALS]

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S GOOD, IT'S GOOD.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[WILLIS YAPS]

[BARKING]

[LAUGHTER]

WE ARE GATHERED HERE TODAY TO JOIN TOGETHER...

[REVEREND STARTS HACKING AND WHEEZING]

EXCUSE ME.

WHERE WAS I?

UM, EXCUSE ME, REVEREND. UM...

WOULD YOU JUST MIND SIGNING THIS BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER?

[WHEEZING]

[WOMEN START LAUGHING]

[EVERYONE JOINS IN]

♪ ♪