Neighbors (2014) Script


MAC: Okay, it's happening. It's spontaneous.

This... Who saw this coming? I did not see this coming.

Okay, okay, okay. Okay, let's do it.

Okay. It's happening. It's totally happening.

BOTH: Whoo!

What a twist. Oh, yeah. Okay.

This is so spontaneous.

We're having sex one minute...

Who knows what's gonna happen next?

Who knows what we'll be doing in 10 minutes?

Okay. This is crazy!

We're doing this on the dining room...

I've never had sex on a dining room chair in my whole life.

(MOANING) This is amazing.

I'm taking you to Boner Town, bitch.

Don't call me "bitch!" Okay. I'm sorry.

I'm taking you to Boner Town, love. Okay.


Baby? Baby?

She's totally fucking looking at us.

Hey, baby.

She knows what's happening.

She totally knows what's happening.

(LAUGHS) She can't see anything. She just sees shapes.

She sees shapes fucking each other, is what she sees. She can...

She's fine. She just sees shapes.

It's like bouncing balls.

My bouncing balls.

She's fine. She's fine. You know what?

Let me turn her around. Let me turn her around.

Okay. Okay.

Hey, sweetie. Hey, little girl.

Gonna turn around now. Gonna look at the wall now.

Let's go.

Okay. There you go. Love you, sweetie. Okay.

Okay! Let's do it.

We're back. We're back in business.

Okay. Okay.

We are back. It's happening. Okay.


MAC: Oh, God. She keeps turning... Turn around.

Just look that way. Just turn around.

Why is she... Okay.

I think it's over.

We still did that.

Oh, I'm sorry. Okay. We still did that.


What are you doing in your Jumperoo?

This never happened.

We're gonna finish that. We will finish that.

FYI, we're gonna do it in every room.

And this time, I'm going to ejaculate.

Just because we have a house and a baby doesn't mean that we're old people.

No. Fuck old people.

Old people don't fuck like we just did.

Baby, I nearly came.

This is like The Brady Bunch.

I know! What's nice about the house is that it looks like every penny we have is inside of it.

So, at least it looks like it.

It's legitimate, right?

Neighbors. Hey. Hi.

Hey. Oh. Gay couple.

There's a gay couple. Gay couple.

They seem like a nice couple. They're so happy.

That's awesome! Dream!

It is. Well, it's the second dream.

First dream, Taco Bell opens next door. That would be fucking dope.

Hi! Hi!

Hey. It's a fabulous neighborhood.


Oh, she's awake. Really?

She's awake. Okay.

Okay. Uh... Well, bye.

Okay. Bye. Love you.

Love you. Bye. Have a good day.

Can I come?

(LAUGHS) Kidding.

No, we'll have a great day! We'll have a great day. Okay. Bye!

I love you!

BILL: Uh-oh. Mac attack.

MAC: Hey!

Hey, there he is.


I need that Mendelson file by 4:00.

Okay, yeah.

And this is not your bro, this is your boss talking. (CHUCKLES)

I'll have it to you by 3:30. How's that?

Mac! Okay.



Wait. Hold on.



(PANTING) Oh, jeez, it's so far.

Hey, we gotta go work on that thing we were discussing.

What thing? What's going on?

We have to go work on that joint file.

Of course. The joint file.

You guys are doing a joint file?

We have a joint file together.

JIMMY: Yeah. We're pretty deep into it. It's tight.

It's pretty thick. It's a big file.

Pretty fat file. It's dank.

We should blaze through it, probably. Yeah.

Yeah, we gotta file that for the THC Corporation.


Because we are in the weeds.

How's Stella? She's a cute baby.

It's nice.

I think I realized for the first six months, everything is fucked.

Everything changes completely. Yeah.

You're like, "My life is over! Everything's different!

"Everything I could do, I can't do anymore."

But now, I realize that that's all gonna go back to normal.

You sure about that? She can start drinking soon.

They make these little strips that test your tit milk for alcohol.

She puts them on her tits?

Yeah, she puts them on her tits. Her tits are huge right now.

Are they really? But I can't touch them.

She won't even let me see them, is what's fucked up.

What? When we have sex, she leaves a wife-beater on.

It's like having sex with Tony Soprano.

You're the goomah in this situation.

Yeah, it's fucked up.

You are the only one of our friends that has a house and a kid.


It's like you're, like, 10 years older than everyone, you know?

You're divorced.

The point is...

It's Jimmy time. You know what I mean?

And the girls, when you're dating...

Yeah? Holy shit!

See, we missed out on the whole, kind of, sex-tech bubble, you know what I mean?

Now they got Sex Book and Fuck Friends and...

There's this thing called Grindr, which is just...

Your phone beeps when there's someone horny near you.

It's kind of amazing.

It's mostly guys, but I'm gonna find a girl pretty soon.

JIMMY: You're up.

Oh, oh! Oh!


What are you guys doing out here?

There are the girls. KELLY: Hi.

How's it going, sweetie? Good.

What's happening?

There you go.

She's excited to see you.

Wait, wait. Hey.


Man, parenting is easy. Look at that!

Yeah, two hours a day.


This is delightful. This is awesome, this thing.

We should get one of these above our bed.


Hello? Hey!

Oh, my God. You guys have to come out with me.

I haven't seen you in forever.

Yeah. What's going on?

Okay. My friend is spinning at the Royalton tonight.

There's a rumor that Prince might perform.

I really need to get out of the house.

I have not been out since Jimmy and I got divorced and I really need you there. Please?

How do we do this? Do I call the babysitter bunch?

I don't know about that. Let's just...

It's too late. We'll... Okay.

Why don't you drop it at the fire station?

We can't leave her at the...

What are you talking about? That's not how it works.

The baby drop.

Okay. No.

I'm kidding.

What are you, like, having a baby, you, like, lost your sense of humor?

What are you doing?

I am using the little box in the Face Time to put makeup on.

You're not even looking at us, are you?

No. Who looks at the other people when they Face Time?

Why are you guys not coming out? Is fucking Jimmy there? Jimmy?

No, Jimmy's not here.

We don't have a babysitter, so... Yeah.

Hello. Fucking bring her.




No. Yes?

What are you doing? What are you thinking?

Let's just do it!

This could be, like, a doorway to a whole new life, where we have it all.

We have fun and a baby. That's fantastic!

This is the moment! I need this!

This is the moment. Let's do it. Okay. I need to go out!

Let's go! Let's go!

All right. I'm down. Little chicken. Come on!

Baby's first rave. Baby's first rave.


Baby's first rave.


Baby's first rave! Baby's first rave!


Wait. Shit! Diaper bag! It needs to be restocked.

I gotta get more shit. Okay. Okay.

You know what? She needs an extra Onesie in case she craps herself.

I think I better pump.

You gotta pump? I think I need to pump.

She wants your necklace. Give me your necklace. Now, go pump.

We should get the cooler.

Okay, here we go.

Wait. If we're bringing the swing, let's just bring the Jumperoo.

We have room. I think we have room.

Butt Paste. I don't know where the Butt Paste is.

I don't know where it is.

Binky, Binky, Binky. I don't know where the Binky is.

Binky's over here. I got Binky.


We fell asleep. Let's go. Let's go.

Okay, let's go. We'll go now.

Wait. Shit! Another video.

Best night ever.

Look at how much food I just ordered.

I'm not even hungry. It's so wasteful!

We missed it.

Shit. Don't hit me.

I'm so tired.

I know. Let's just go to sleep.

(SIGHS) Tomorrow's a new day.

(MUFFLED) Love you.

Good night. Good night.


Excuse me. Sorry.

They're actually really good. They taste like vanilla, kinda.

They're awesome.

Pudgie, what do you got there?

Moving truck. Moving truck. (HORN HONKING)

There's a moving truck. Wow.

Who do you think... Come on. Oh, my God.

Look, look, look.

What do we got?

Gay couple? Gay couple?

What is this? What are they doing?


And what are these kids in the pink shirts?

KELLY: Is that a fraternity?

Yeah, they got big Greek letters.

Looks like a fraternity.

Oh, my God. Look at that guy.

That guy's the sexiest guy I've ever seen.

He looks like something a gay guy designed in a laboratory.

KELLY: Look at his arms.

Oh, my God. They're like two giant, veiny dicks.

It's like a gun show.

Look at the blonde.

I don't see which one you're...

Oh, you don't know who I'm talking about?

That blonde dude with the red sleeves? He's a handsome guy.

What do we do? Okay, okay. I know what we do.

They're gonna be loud, obviously.

And they're gonna fucking party a lot.

Baby, this is a fucking nightmare!

I agree. We need to go over there.

We need to fucking tell them not to do that. Right now.

As soon as they move in, they know this neighborhood doesn't stand for that shit.

And we're fucking grown-ups, we have a baby, and they need to be cool.

They need to be cool to us, okay? Yeah, yeah.

But... Okay, wait. Maybe we don't come on strong, though.

Maybe we come on... We act cool.

We come on like peers. Yeah. Yes.

Totally, we be cool. We take them a joint.

Yeah. We be cool.

Right? Ooh! We roll them a joint.

Roll them a spliff. Give that to them.

Then we seem cool. They're thinking...

We're hip. "Oh, they're like us.

"This could be us in a few years."

Yes, respect.

They'll want us to like them. Yeah.

Then we say, "By the way, keep it down."

Exactly. Well, we won't say it like that. We'll just...

No, of course not. I'll say it. Like, we'll just...

You know, "Keep it down."

You're doing it a little weird.

Do it again. Do it normal. Yeah. Like...

I'll throw it away. Just throw it away.

Just like, you know, "If you could just keep it down."

Just say it normal! I can get it!

It's an important, key phrase here.

All right, you do it. You do it.

Okay, watch. I'm just gonna do it like this.

"Keep it down."

Lift it! Come on!

Come on!



Hey! How's it going? Hey!

Are you our new neighbors? We're your new neighbors!


BOTH: All right!

TEDDY: What's up? (WHOOPING)

I'm Teddy. This is Pete.


What's going on? And who's this little lady?

Oh, that's so sweet. No one ever knows she's a girl.

What? Of course she is, because you're a little princess.

So, you're the little princess.

You're a little...

Oh, she just scrunched her little nose!

So cute.

What's her name?

Stella. Stella, yeah.

That's the best name ever. Are you kidding?

She's a little flirt.

Oh, like her mom, I bet.

PETE: Mmm.


Anyway, just wanted to let you guys know that in this neighborhood, we don't keep off the grass.

What? You know what I'm saying?

No way!

Legalize it, y'all.

A joint. Thank you, guys.

Also, if you could maybe, just sometimes...

Keep it down!

All right.

Well, I mean, if you guys ever need anything, or we get too noisy, just talk to me, or talk to Pete.

We'll take care of it. Same with us.

I mean, we get pretty loud over there. Yeah, yeah.

Game of Thrones, we get loud.

When Khaleesi comes on, I'm like... (BOTH YELLING)

Yeah. It's crazy.


All righty. Well...

Dope. PETE: Cool.

All right.

We're okay. Cool.

Later! See you, guys.

All right. All right. Nice.

Welcome to the neighborhood.

Take it sleazy.

GIRLS: Bye, Stella!

BOYS: Bye, Stella!

And now, as President of Delta Psi...

And Vice President, we call...

Our first official meeting in the new house to order.

ALL: Chivalry above self!

Much like Scoonie's cock, this year is going to be legendary.


I don't know if you guys are aware, but Delta Psi is simply responsible for the most epic party moments in history.


Gentlemen, take a look at the wall.

Travel back in time with me to 1930.


Delta Psi puts on a production of Julius Caesar.

A girl in the audience unexpectedly hands one of our brothers a beer.

And after that one fateful sip, the toga party is born!

Hold that gam steady, Pete.


The year is 1971. (1970s ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

The US plays Red China in ping-pong.

Meanwhile, back at Delta Psi, our brothers play a little ping-pong of their own.

An errant ball lands in a brother's beer, and he just drinks it.



I give you beer pong!


The year is 1985!

(1980s POP MUSIC PLAYING) Sebastian Cremmington and his brothers are at the school pep rally.

They've been drinking since the butt-crack of dawn.

Sebastian knows he has to throw up, but he wants to keep partying.

What does he do? Does he puke, or does he drink?

Why not do both?

I give you the boot and motherfucking rally!


So many party inventions.

So many party discoveries.

How are we supposed to stand on the shoulders of giants?

Tell 'em, Teddy.

I'll tell you how.

Do you see that empty space on the wall?

Let's fill it with dreams.

We are gonna end the year with the most legendary rager of all time.

I'm talking even bigger than last year's White Trash Bash.

ALL: No, no, no!

Seems like an impossible feat.

But when we do it, we will get our faces on that wall, amidst the rest of these legends!



Pete, do you want to tell us about your first summer as a Delta?

My parents got divorced.

And where did you go? Right here.

And what happened? I cried.

Why did you cry?

Because I felt safe.

Because I was surrounded by my brothers.

Brothers have a bond that goes beyond friendship.

We are the family you get to choose, and we don't get divorced!

No, we don't. We don't.

To believe in the life of love...

ALL: to walk in the way of honor, to serve in the light of truth.

This is the life, the way, the light of Delta Psi.

This is the creed of our fraternity.

ALL: (SINGING) Can you take me higher?


Delta Psi.

Delta Psi, Delta Psi!

Delta Psi!

Delta Psi! Delta Psi!

Delta Psi! Delta Psi! Delta Psi!


Christ! What the fuck?

They're so loud.

They're gonna wake Stella. What do we...

What do you think we should do?

We should call the police.

No, no, no, no, no.

We can't do that.

We should go over there, okay? And talk to them.

They'll listen to us if they think we're cool, you know?

Okay. Yeah. Yeah, okay.


Grab the baby monitor.

Hey, Mac, Kelly. What's up?

We hate to be these guys, but do you mind just, like, kind of...

Just keep it down.

Just a little bit. A little bit.

The music?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, just a tiny bit.

First off, my bad.

Yo, guys! Music check!

We have neighbors, for Christ's sake!

Come on. Thank you.

That's a big bong.

Is that a two-story bong?

I really appreciate you guys coming by.

Out of control.

Awesome, man. Well, thank you so much.

That's all we wanted.

Cool. Great.

See you guys around.

Okay, thanks, man. Dope. Cool.

Sweet. Yeah.

I think we should invite the old people in.

They're old and lame.

I mean, yeah, I like their baby, but this is no place for a baby.

Yeah, I know. But they're our neighbors.

They can make our lives a living hell. We need them on our side.

If we're cool with them now, they'll be cool with us.

Hey, slow down!

Hey, there they are!

Where you going?

Do you guys want to come in?

You don't want us to come back in.

I mean, no, we can't. We couldn't possibly.

No, no, no.

Are you serious?

I think you should. Come on.

No, we've got the baby, so... We've got the baby. We can't.

Come on. Just real quick.

You have the baby monitor right there.

We do, it's working.

It works perfectly.

You're, like, 10 feet away. Come on.

Super quick tour.

Just the tour, maybe. PETE: Just the tour.

Just the tour. Cool. TEDDY: Oh, it's so exciting!

Oh, yeah! Magic mushrooms!

Slow down.

What the fuck is gonna happen?

I've been doing mushrooms since before the fucking Internet existed.

That's a weird phone!

No, it's my baby monitor.

You should look, you can see her.


BOYS: Peekaboo!

He's done.

Peekaboo! BOYS: Oh!


Oh, no, no. The monitor is not working.

I gotta get back. Gotta get back, gotta get back.

I'm gonna throw up.

BOYS: Whoa...

I can't...

Right there. Yeah, yeah!

No, no, no!


Do you guys want to see something amazing?

Yes, I want to see something amazing.

BOYS: Yeah. What is it?


I know you're all wondering why I brought you here.



Wow! Good job, man.

Yeah, take a bow.

MAC: (PANTING) Wait. Wait.


Welcome to the lion's den, my friend.


This is my room. Off limits during parties.

This is where we keep all the important shit.

Alcohol, drugs, passports, ping-pong paddles.

Those things are always fucking disappearing.

Yeah, dude. My bros is always stealing my paddies.

Right? What the fuck?

Holy shit! That's a lot of fireworks.

Can we light some of those off right now?


Man, literally, the last time we lit those off, we burned the house down.


It's not funny. That was really bad.

Check this out. Watch the yard.

Ready? Yeah.


That's awesome.

Welcome to paradise.

Hey, who's Batman to you?

Like, when you think of Batman, who's Batman?

Are you kidding me?

Christian Bale? Christian Bale.

Michael Keaton is Batman to me.


(LAUGHS) Michael Keaton's Batman was like, (IN RASPY VOICE) "Hey, I'm Batman."

"No! Hey, I'm Batman!"

"No, dude, no. I'm Batman. This is what Batman sounds like."

"I'm counting on it!"

"No, I'm counting on it. I'm Batman."

We actually met in college. Yeah.


Yeah, I was here for an exchange program.

I was only supposed to stay a semester, but then he convinced me to hang around.

ALL: Aw! Yeah.

What's cool is we're almost roommates.

Dude, we are almost roommates.

Our rooms are, like, 10 feet away from each other.

Dude, we can have walkie-talkies, actually. (GASPS)

It would just work all the time. It would be awesome.

Let's get walkie-talkies and talk to each other all the time.

Walkie-talkies and earpieces and shit. Oh, my God.

That would be so dope.

It'd be so fun.

So, how did you meet Teddy?

I saw him. He saw me.


It's a really romantic story.

Hold on to this moment, man. Seriously, enjoy this.

Because soon, you fucking blink, and you're the oldest guy at the party, and it's terrible.

You don't seem old.

You seem like a senior that took a year abroad.

Really? Yeah, man.

Bottom of my heart.

You want to swordfight?


ALL: Aw!

MAC: Epic night!

Crazy! I owe you, man.

KELLY: I really needed that. MAC: Thank you so much.

Yeah, again, if you can just generally kind of, you know, keep it down.

Just keep it down.

Just keep it down. Low.

That would be... That would be fucking... That would be trill.

You really want us to keep it down?

Yeah, like, every night.

Yeah, try to keep it down.

I'll give it the old college try.

Nice! That was good. Nice.

Cool, cool. How is that?

Just make sure if we're too noisy, you call me first.

Don't call the cops, okay?

Okay. Yeah, for sure. Yeah.

Do you promise? I promise.

Do you promise?

I promise. We promise.

You promise? Okay. Because a promise is a big deal to me.

Okay. Okay.

We promise. Thank you so much, guys.

I hope you guys come over and try and hang with us some more.

Yeah, dope, dope. Cool. It was a good time.

I'll go tell them to shh!

MAC: Yeah.

See you guys.

Great night!


Hey, Teddy. It's Mac again. Your neighbor.

You said to call if it was ever too loud.

So, we're calling. It's too loud.

Can you please keep it down?

It's 4:00 in the morning, our baby's awake. She's freaking out.

Thank you.

Ten times.

I've called him ten times. What do we do?

If we actually go over there and tell them to keep it down, we're gonna seem so lame.

We're gonna have to call the cops.

We call the cops? Yes.

He told us not to call the cops.

Do it anonymously.

They do our dirty work for us.

We're cool, they shut up, she goes to sleep. Done.

We have no blood on our hands.

We're innocents. We're innocents in all this.

It's a good idea. It's a good system.

Let's do it. Okay, I'm doing it. Let's do it.

MAC: Here we go. Here we go.

Here they are.


I feel so lame. I can't believe we called the cops.

They can't tell it's us.

They don't know it was us. Could've been anyone.

Could have been anyone. Any one of these people could have called.

We're not gonna get caught for this.

Anyone would do this. This isn't because we're old.

Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh!

Oh, shit! Oh, no!

MAC: Oh, no! Oh, fuck!

KELLY: Oh, no.

He sold us out.

Fuck, they're coming up the driveway. Oh, shit, they're coming.

Oh, shit. They're right there. (KNOCKING ON DOOR)

MAC: Just go, you answer it. KELLY: You answer it.

You answer! You are gonna answer.

You do it. You do it. You do it.

We're just getting dressed! I'm naked!

No, I see you guys right there. One moment.

Act like you just woke up.



WATKINS: Hello, are you Mac?

Yeah. What's happening?

You called about your neighbors?



I have a call, it's from Mac Radner. That's you. Right?

Yeah. How do you have that information?

We have caller ID. We're cops.

Everybody has caller ID. You're Mac Radner.

Okay, yes.

You called us. Why did you call us?

I called the cops because you were being noisy, man.

And I tried to get you to stop, and you wouldn't stop.

They won't stop partying!

Officer, you know how it is.

We're just trying to get to sleep.

We have a little baby. We have a baby.

Mac's working in the morning. We got jobs.

They were at the party with us just last night.

Did you party with this kid? We don't party with them!

We shouldn't be in trouble. We haven't done anything wrong.

We have a baby. We're parents.

Well then, what do you call these?

I'm too fucked up! Ahhh! Ahhh!

WATKINS: Well, it looks like you guys were partying with him.

You party pretty heavy.

That's a joke photo!

It's a joke? That's a joke!

It's not a good joke.

Okay, you know what? Let's end this.

I'm sorry. I rescind the complaint.

You can go. No noise complaint.

You know the boy who cried wolf?

You're that boy.

Okay, I cried wolf. Never call us again.

Never call you again? You're the fucking police.

Look, man, we're sorry.

You were being noisy.

We tried to call you. I don't know what to say.

We called you five times, you didn't answer us.

You made a promise to me last night.

We were pissing. We crossed streams.

Don't worry about it, you know?

"Hey, I'm Batman." You know? Right?

No, we're done with that, bro.

We're still cool, man. We're still cool. We're sorry.

I'm not mad.

I'm just disappointed.

Hey, come on. Wait, let's just...

MAC: What's that?

Those are for you.

What the fuck?


TEDDY: You shouldn't have called the cops, bro!


(ALL SHOUTING) Okay, very good.

Very good.

KELLY: Okay. Congratulations.

You better put that in the recycling bin.

All Of it. All Of it.

PETE: It's like Edward Scissorhands. Do you like it?

It's a really expensive bush!

I'm sorry, I felt inspiration. What was I supposed to do?

I'm about to rip this shit out of the ground.


Fuck this bush! Fuck that bush, man!

Fuck this bush! Fuck that bush!

Harder, man. Yeah, really get in there.

Oh! Oh! God damn it! Kelly!

Whoa. Hey, man, buy him dinner first.

Fuck this bush!


ALL: Oh! Shit!

Okay. Ha-ha.

Sorry, man. Sorry my ball just got in your face.


I love you. Baby.

Oh, God.

I can't believe this is happening.

It's finally happening.


What the fuck? Oh, my God!

Oh, no! Oh, no!

We can't be the only people in the neighborhood who are sick of this bullshit, you know.

We've gotta get everyone on our side.

We could lead a revolution.

Oh, no.

They're buying off the whole neighborhood with their slave army.

Oh! Mrs. Haywood, you're better than that.

I can't sell your house.

Why? Well, because the only people who would want to live next to a frat house is a frat house.

Oh, the university might be interested.

I know the Spanish department is looking for a new building.

Only thing, if you sell to the university, I'd say, optimistically, you're looking at losing about half your investment.

MAC: Half of all of our...

We put all of our money in. This is all of our money.

We can't lose half.

But you keep half.

We don't need that! What is that?


And you keep making money no matter what!

Real estate is a fickle bitch.

Okay, maybe it's best you just go.

Thank you for coming. Okay.

That was not helpful.

Well, okay.

What are you wearing? What is this?

What are you doing? Yeah.

We're throwing a Robert De Niro party.

Should be pretty fucking loud.

It's probably gonna go pretty fucking late, too.

I'm Taxi Driver De Niro.

Yeah, I'm Meet the Fockers De Niro.

I'm watching you. I'm watching you.

Who painted that mole on your face? Did you do that yourself?

Yes, I did. Yes, I did, Focker.

Who are you?

Oh, I'm Sam Jackson, you know, from Jackie Brown.


ALL: Hoo-ah!

That's Al Pacino. That's not even... Yeah.

Scent of a Woman.

ALL: Hoo-ah!

There's no consistency here.

You're all over the place with your references.

You're upsetting Jinxy cat.

Just stop doing this stupid shit! We're sorry.

Hey, when you called the cops, you violated the circle of trust, Focker.

We're sorry we called the cops, okay?

Are you talking to me?

MAC: Yes. KELLY: Yes.

Are you talking to me?

Yes! Yes!

No, you talking to me.

Are you talking to me? Are you talking to me?

I don't see anyone else here.

I don't see anyone else here, either!

We're trying to talk to you.

"The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides..."

What the fuck are you doing? That's the wrong Sam Jackson speech!

Are you talking to me, or are you talking to him?


Just get off! Are you talking to me?

Shut the fuck up!

You get the fuck out of here.

Stop it!

Hey. What's nice is in a few years, we'll have a third person to help us do this.


What do you got there, sweetie?

Is that a balloon?

Did you find a balloon?

Oh, shit! That's not a balloon!

Oh, Jesus! (SCREAMS)

Oh, God! Oh, no!

Help! Help!

Get the fuck... Get out of my way! Move!

Doctor! Doctor! Oh, God!

All right. Hey.

Your baby has HIV.

(GASPS) Oh, my God.

Is how bad this could have gone.

The condom was unused.

(MURMURING) Are you fucking kidding me?

Who the fuck says that to a couple of parents?

Hey! Ma'am!

Chill out, chill out!

They are dangerous to the neighborhood!

There's a clear focus going on here.

I heard they burned down their last house.

And they were reprimanded for that.

We have a very strict three-strike policy at this school.

So, they have one strike. If they get two more, then they're out.

A strike?

Well, listen, the way I do my job is, you know, I'm always thinking about the headlines, right?

So, "Duke Lacrosse Team Rapes Stripper." Bad headline.

"Fraternity Keeps Couple Awake"?

That's not really even a headline.

I don't even think it would make the local police blotter.

Get ready to read the headline of the century.

Extra, extra! "Baby Swallows Condom!"

That's disgusting! Exactly!

It's the frat's condom! That's the frat's condom!

I have a headline for this.

"Fraternity Practices Safe Sex."

That's a good headline. I could get a raise off that headline.

I got a headline for you.

"Mean Dean Doesn't Realize That Frat ls Bad For Everyone."

It's really not.

It's very poorly worded. I don't think that would ever make it to print.

I don't know where you went to school.

I went here, okay? That's why I'm dumb!

You know what? I just thought of another headline.

"Negligent Parents Allow Baby to Swallow Condom."

What'd you say? It's not a good headline.

Here's a headline. How about, "Go Fuck Yourself"?

That's what you get.

This is our home! It's our home!

This is our little cub on our lawn with a condom in her mouth.

Oh, my God. I'm a mama bear.

Yes, you are. You know what?

I'm gonna act all docile and then...


My claws are out! I'm gonna fucking get them!

(HISSING) Fuck these fucking guys!

They don't know who they are fucking with.

They think I'm just a regular dad and then you know what happens?

Boom! Boom!

Teddy's dead! Pete's dead! Scoonie's dead!

Fuck you! No, no.

I'll fucking kill them! No, no.

Boom! No.

I'm buying a fucking gun! No, you're not!

I'm not buying a gun! You're right, it's a bad idea.

Bad call.

What about one of those small prostitute guns?

No. You're not buying a gun.


What can we do? That fucking Dean.

What woman is named "Dean"?

She's not named "Dean." That's her job.

What? That's what "dean" is here.

No. Yeah.

Really? What did you think?

I thought that was her name. No.

Oh, no.

What do they call it in Australia? "Chancellor."

No, she's the chancellor.

Oh, my God. I was so rude to her.

I don't know what to do. What do we know?

What didn't we have in college?

I didn't have any money.

I had no money either. We had no money.

They're broke. They don't have any money.

We fuck with their house. They can't afford to fix it.

Yes. They have to move.

Yeah, fuck them! Fuck them!

We're gonna fucking fuck them! Fuck them!

We are going to fuck them! Fuck them!



So the water came out of here? Yep.

This is gonna ruin us.

I mean, the foundation is flooded. We can't pay for this shit.

They're gonna condemn the house.

Okay, well, on that note, maybe we should clean up and not stand here with our dicks in our hands.

"Dicks in our hands."

Dicks in our hands.

Dicks in our hands.

Dicks in our hands.

Dicks in our hands.

Teddy, how much time we got?

Just a couple minutes, and then we pour in the latex.

We've got Delta Psi dildos we can merchandise.

Oh, God, I can't keep my boner much longer.

We're supposed to have boners?

Yeah. Nobody wants a limp dildo.

You don't know that. People could want it for after.

Like, for cuddling, and it's like a love...

Okay, you're right. It's just a limp dick.

Hey, you boys have to go digital.

Look at that 3-D printer go.

Look at it go!

That's awesome.

ELECTRONIC VOICE: Penis completed.

Now I can go to class while my dick prints.

Where did you get that?

Got it at my architecture lab. Pretty cool, right?

Wow. Man, you should go to class sometime.

We have excellent facilities that, like, no one uses.

All right, let's pull these bad boys off and see what we've got.

We're good? Yeah.

GARF: Let's do it.

This is like Christmas. Oh!

Wow. Whoa.

Hey, you know, I think the clay is stuck to my pubes.

Why do you have pubes?

Wait. You guys shaved?

Dude, I texted you. I said, "Shave."

I thought we were taking pictures. I cleaned up a little, but...

Not your face.

Oh, God.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Don't worry about it. I'm gonna enjoy this.

It's not gonna come off.

I'm just gonna leave it on.

I'm gonna drill a hole, I'm gonna pee. I can get bigger pants.

Look at me. You trust me, right?

I'm gonna pull this thing off.

Come on, just relax. I got you.

Stay the fuck away from me!

Calm down. Count of three.

Teddy... One.

Look at my eyes.


That was so much worse than I thought.

SCOONIE: Ladies, I need a single-file line.

There will be no cutting in this line, and if you're in the back, it is approximately a 20-minute wait.

Hey. Hi.

Um... I'll take a Teddy. Cool. How about a Pete?

Oh, no.

I was just kidding, anyway.

So weird.

Holy shit, guys. I think we made $10,000.

Hey, you guys, if my calculations are correct, not only can we fix the water damage, but we can get the biggest hot tub in the world!

(CHEERING) And outdoor speakers!

Yes! Yeah!

Delta Psi!

ALL: (CHANTING) Delta Psi.

Delta Psi! Delta Psi! Delta Psi!

Dildo Psi!

Dildo Psi! Dildo Psi!


This is fucking ridiculous.

This is ridiculous.

Their dicks bought a hot tub? My dick couldn't buy a hot tub.


Your dick could buy more than a hot tub. Your dick bought me.

Thank you very much.

I'm not a sizeist.

That's a little patronizing.


I don't get it. Who would even buy one of those dildos?

Bros before hos.

Why? Because your bros are always there for you.

They have got your back after your ho rips your heart out.

"Bros before hos."

And you were nothing but great to your ho.

And you told her that she was the only ho for you, and that she was better than all the other hos in the world.

Bros before hos.

Fraternities. They live and die on the concept of brotherhood.

I know.

The only way to break it apart is to get in there, infiltrate a party, and get them to put hos before bros.

Hos don't go before bros. It just doesn't work like that.

A ho has never gone before a bro.

Maybe I have been a ho who's taken down some bros.

Ho, no, you haven't. I'm just saying.

You have? That is messed up.

I'm saying, that's the only way.

We've got to get in there, we gotta infiltrate.

Get those little motherfuckers, turn them against each other.

Okay. I'm serious.

Just ease up.


She's on the fast road to her first word being "cunt."

It's not cool here. Sorry.

We're gonna make them put hos before bros.

Step one, lock down a babysitter.

Get this one taken care of.

Yeah? Right?

Yeah? Right?

Yeah. We're gonna get these guys.

Yo. I've been waiting forever.

Yeah, glad you made it. Whoa, whoa!

What is she doing here? Wait. What is he doing here?

Look, we're friends with both of you.

Fucking just learn to deal with it, okay?

This is an abomination.

You... Right now, both of you have to make a choice right now.

Me or her, choose. It's up to you. You choose.

Shut the fuck up.

We're on a mission.

Yes, ma'am. I was just kidding.


You here to ask us to turn the music down?

Because that's not gonna happen.

No, we're here to tell you to turn it up.

Shit, homie, we've been beefing for too long.

We just want to squash this like a bug.

That's all my weed, and it's really hard for me to get weed.

Oh, shit.

Okay, you guys can come in.

No 'shrooms for you, mister.

Don't worry about it, man.

All right.


Okay, Teddy's fucking Brooke, but Brooke wants to fuck Pete.

But she's afraid because Pete and Teddy are best friends.

We've gotta get Brooke to hook up with Pete publicly.

Then Teddy is gonna want to kill Pete and the whole frat will implode.

Paula, flirt with Scoonie. Keep him talking and distracted.


Jimmy, isolate Whitney.


What do I do? Do I get to do something?

You're on Teddy patrol. Keep him close.

He's gotta see them hooking up.

Otherwise, this plan won't work.

And remember, once they start kissing, we've only got a few minutes before they go upstairs and start fucking.

Okay, let's do it. Okay?

Let's go. Go team.

What? What?

Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Cutting through.

What it is, y'all.

What's up?

What's this, a dance-off?

I don't know, bitch. Is it a dance-off?

You tell me. I think it's a dance-off.




Jesus Christ, not another dance-off.

He likes them.

How about some shots, guys?

Okay, yeah!



Cheers. Here we go.

Cheers. Here we go.

Another one! Another one!

One more, one more, one more.

I can't. No.

I don't want to.

Oh, shit.

I think I'm drunk.

You guys are so cute together.

No! No!

No. She's my...

I'm with Teddy. She's with Teddy.

So you guys have never hooked up?


You're blushing.

No, I'm not. You are.

You guys have gotta relax.


You're so cute. You're like a little possum.

Look at you. I'm a possum.

I'm a possum.


No! No, no, no, okay? No!

Just a little taste, a little taste.

That was sexy. Can I make out with someone now?

What are you doing? We have 60 seconds before they go upstairs.

Get in the dance circle.

Okay, okay. I'm winning, by the way.



Hey, man. BOTH: Oh, shit!

I think Teddy saw you.

What? No.

No, no, no. Shit. Shit.

Hey, what's up, man?

Hey, man.

What's up?

What's up? You good?

Yeah, I'm good, man. How's it going?

Everything's good. Fucking great party.

Great party, right? Awesome party.


Yeah, man. Yeah.

And we got a fight over here!


Fuck, are you okay, man? Dude, I'm so... (YELLS)



Is that how people fight now? What are they doing?

Let go, let go.

I'll never let go.

I'll hold onto your balls forever.

What are you thinking about?

Why are you so calm?

(SCREAMS) What the fuck? Ew!

So gross!

I never wanted to have to use that on you!

What the fuck, man?

It's a blessing and a curse!

Get the fuck out of here! You're so gross!


God damn it.

Throw shit off the porch!

ALL: (CHANTING) Throw shit off the porch. Throw shit off the porch.

Let's throw shit off the porch! Whoo!

Yes! Come on, Delta Psi!

ALL: Whoa!


Holy fuck.

Somebody call 911!


He's still alive.

He's still alive!

ALL: (CHANTING) He's still alive.

Oh, shit.

We didn't kill anyone. We didn't kill anyone.

PAULA: Hey, guys!

What do you think of my new necklace?

It's a choker.


I fucking did it! I totally did it.

We couldn't have planned it better.

That was incredible!

We're celebrating.

Fuck it. I'll pump and dump.


We fucking did it.

Baby. Yeah.

Baby, let's be spontaneous. Let's go fuck on the kitchen floor.

Yes! Come on.

Let's do that shit. Whoo! Let's do it!

Let's do something we've never done. Okay.

I don't know. Hit me with something.

Okay. Smack me.

Let's be crazy.

Okay. Ow! Fuck!

Fuck! Hey! Shit, stop! Stop! I don't like it, I don't like it!

I like it. I don't like it, stop!

This is turning me on. I don't like it.

I like it. Don't do that!

Sorry. It hurts.

Okay. Okay.

Let's do something crazy.

Why don't I stick something up your ass?

No, not tonight. Not tonight.

Can I stick something up your ass?

No, I'm not that drunk.

Oh, I'm gonna come soon.

Okay, I'm not even close.

I'm gonna come. Come, baby.

I'm coming. Are you close?

Come on.

And... I'm too drunk to come.

I'm not gonna come.

It's gone mushy. Thank you, sire.

(IN BRITISH ACCENT) I will take the gentleman's route out and call it a day, for no ejaculation will be occurring due to over-intoxication.

Thank you.

(IN NORMAL ACCENT) That's how adults do it.

I love you, baby.

Baby, I love you.

We're a great team.

Baby, we're a hot team.

My boobs really hurt.

I think I should probably pump.

My boobs are feeling really full.

I like 'em like that.

I like 'em full, baby.

We did it. We did it.

That's a beautiful thing.

Bros before hos, motherfucker.

That dude forgot the golden rule.

I feel like shit.

But I love it.


Oh, my boobs.

Oh, God.

I gotta feed Stella. Okay.

Is she awake? I'm more milk than woman.

I gotta get this out of me.

Get it out of you.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait!

Wait. Wait, no! Wait!

Wait. Wait. Wait.

Whoa. Wait. Wait.

No, no, no! What? What?

Don't slap my boob.

There's booze in your boobs. There's booze in your boobs.

It's poison. It's alcohol.

There's alcohol in there.

It's like a White Russian. Lay down, sweetie.

KELLY: Oh, it fucking hurts! I need this milk out of me.

Okay, we'll get that milk out. Get the pump. Ow!

Okay, I got it.

Fuck me! Fucking idiot!

What are you doing? I'm sorry.

Fuck. Oh, no. Okay, relax.

I'm sorry. What the fuck?

It broke. I totally broke it.

I don't even know what the fuck to do with this.

Oh, no.

Oh, shit!

Oh, they're Hulking out! They're gonna blow.

What is happening to me?

Oh, gross! They look like my grandma's legs.

Okay, let me call my mom. She'll tell us what to do right now.

Do not call your mother!

Jesus! You Jews and your fucking mothers!

What do I do?

Milk me. What?

You're gonna have to milk me.

I don't want to milk you. Well, you're gonna have to.

I don't fucking want to! What do you mean "milk you"?

You don't have a choice!

Be a man and milk me.

Milk yourself! Try milking yourself!

I can't...


Oh! I'm sorry. Okay.

Get on your hands and knees. We need a pail or something.

What? You gotta get on your hands and knees.

I'm not a cow! Well, how else do you do it?

Just, normal.

There's no normal way to milk a human woman.

Okay, okay! Come on!


I can't do it. Don't yell, just try to...

Come on! Ow! I'm sorry.

It's not working.


(SCREAMS) Oh, fuck!

Oh, fuck. Oh, God.





We are not high-fiving.

Oh, God.

It tastes funny.

They say it tastes good to the baby. It tastes funny to me.

Just relax. Just settle down. Okay.

I got, like, four pails out of you.

We should go mom tipping later.

(LAUGHING) Hey, too soon.

Okay, too soon. Way too soon.

Yeah, I agree. I'm just trying to lighten the moo-ood.


Stop it. I know.

I'm gonna move back to Australia if you don't stop.

Now I can't stop thinking of them.

Okay. Mac...

That was udder-ly traumatic.

Please stop.

How much of you is traumatized? 2%? 1%?

That was a cheesy one.

That was good. You like that?

You did it. See? (LAUGHS)


But you know what? You hear that?

It's victory.

We can finally go back to our lives.

It's over.

What the heck are you guys doing here? Where's Pete?

I don't know. At some job fair or some shit.

What the heck's more important than this?

Hey, I just wanna let you guys know that I ate a whole pot brownie before coming in here and I am really starting to feel it right now. Yeah.

Why would you do that?

Guys, don't talk. Please let me handle this.



"Fraternity Severely Injures Economics Professor."

What is this?

It's a headline.

Is it a good one, or a bad one?

It's a bad one.

Yeah, it's a really bad one.

It's a bad one.

I promise you, as the President of Delta Psi, that we will find a way to right this wrong.


Very sorry about this.

You know what? That's it.

That's two strikes.

You're on probation until the end of the year.

Okay? You so much as throw a party, generate a noise complaint, or end up on any sort of headline, and you are out.

Please don't put us on probation.

What about the end-of-the-year bash, Teddy?

I mean, we have to get on the wall, plus we bought the kegs.

What, is she gonna reimburse us for those kegs?

Are you gonna reimburse us for those kegs? No.

Scoonie. Not now.

Get out!

I'm so sorry.


I just want to let you know, I ate a pot brownie before coming in here.

I'm the opposite of the person you say that to.

That could have been two strikes, right there.


Oh, there he is.

Holy shit.

I'm just kidding. Sort of.

What's up, man?

Thanks for missing our meeting, Mr. VP.

I had this job interview, so...

No, no, clearly you had more important things to do.


So, how'd the meeting go?

Oh, it went great. It went great.

We're on probation. We can't party.

Shit. That's a bummer. Mmm-hmm.

So, are we cool with what happened last night?

Bros before hos. Right?

Yeah. Right?

Yeah, man.

Junk before trunk.

All right, balls before dolls.

Compadres before I sleep with tu madres.

Brad Pitt before grab clit.

Deez nuts before skinny sluts.

Masturbate before I ask her to date.

Beef stew before watching The View.

Male erection before One Direction.

Mario and Luigi before Thelma & Louise-ee.

Bert and Ernie before squirtin' spermy.

Man purses before regular purses.

Makes sense. Yeah.

Okay. It does.

Sports before genital warts... No, fuckin'. That's bad.

That was a little weird. I'm fading a little bit.

John Madden before...

Jasmine from Aladdin! Jasmine from Aladdin!


We just said it at the same time!

All right, man, I should probably...

But, I'll see you back at the house, yeah?

See you, brother.

All right. Good talk, man. Later.

Hey! You Delta Psi?

Yeah. Are you a Delta?

No, my roommate was. I used to wear his ties to get girls.

You interested in working for AT&T?

What do you guys do?

We're a giant telecommunications corporation.

Cell phones. Oh.

What's your GPA?

Like, low twos.

I'm just kidding. High ones.

We're actually looking for candidates that are a little more academically inclined.

So, you have a nice day.

What does that mean?

It means you're too dumb.

Good luck, bro.


PETE: I hope we can "build" a great future together.

Architecture joke.

I know!

I like to have fun with it.


Big Mac! Yo!

There he is. Hey!

Hey. Hello.

You know, I was just thinking, it would be great to have you and Kelly and your little princess over for a play date.

We'll put it on the books. Okay, cool. Great.

Sometime soon. I'll just... I'll get back to you.

Yeah. Great.

"And the dog goes, 'Woof, woof, woof, woof!

"'Woof, woof, woof!"'

Oh, hi, baby. MAC: How's it going?

Oh, good. Yeah, I'm good, I'm fine.

I'm fine.

I'm a bit bored, but I'm fine. I'm fine.

Yeah, I'm bored, too.

My boss just invited us for a play date, so we can both just kill each other.


I kind of miss the rush of messing with the frat.

I have to go. She's awake.

Okay, call me after. Call me soon.

TEDDY: Hey, neighbor.



Okay. Are you ready?

Me and Kelly, we have found a way to give the frat their last strike.

Get them out of here forever! Out!

Why are we doing this? Didn't we already win? Remember?

"Bros before hos," that whole thing? It's over!

They're still fucking there! There's beer cans on the lawn.

They're barbecuing.

So? "So?"

It smells delicious in here.

Try living next to it. Try living next to it!

Hey, you guys don't want to go back to your boring ass lives as parents. That's what it is.

I'm surprised and shocked, honestly, that it is so hard to convince you, of all people, that this is a good idea.


One of those childs is having sex with your wife.

It's fine. We're divorced.

Jimmy! Wake up! Wake up, man.

His dick is this big!

"Hey, homie. I'm gonna fuck your wife with my giant dick."

"Oh, my God, this is amazing."

"Oh, my God, homie. It feels so good."

"Oh, homie." "Wow. Oh, my God."

"It feels so good, homie." "What are you doing later?"

"Oh, homie, let's do it. Oh, God, homie."

"That's amazing."

Okay, enough! Stop imitating!

I get it! He's got a huge dick!

And her vagina, "Bye!" It's ruined!

MAC: Destroyed. Gone!

It's like when you lend a fat friend your shirt, and it comes back, and it's all stretchy and flappy!

Sagging all over the place! It'll be like this.

I'm in! MAC: Yes!

Nice! Nice! Great! Awesome, awesome!

What's the plan? Okay, okay.

We've been thinking. What gets frats kicked out of schools more than anything?


I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

Hazing scandals. Hazing scandals!

Yes! Hazing scandals!

Hazing scandals! Yes!

You should've said it before you let me answer.

We need all that equipment you bought to spy on Paula.

I didn't... (LAUGHS) What?

Just stop.

MAC: Look, you just take these spy glasses.

They look totally like normal glasses.

You wear them into the frat house.

Teddy's gonna start pushing you around and fucking with you, like he always does.

Like I've seen him do a million times.

At that moment, you just push back.

Okay? Just push back.

The rest will take care of itself.

He'll haze the fucking shit out of you.

It'll all get caught on this camera.

Delta Psi is gone, you're a free man.

Those guys are my brothers.

KELLY: Your brothers?

Do you think your brothers would really treat you like that?

Think about what they've done to you.

They dehumanized you.

They treated you like shit. They degraded you.

JIMMY: You're an animal. They called you Assjuice.


KELLY: Assjuice. MAC: Assjuice.

JIMMY: Subhuman. KELLY: Assjuice.

ALL: Assjuice. Assjuice.

Assjuice. Assjuice.

Assjuice! Assjuice! Assjuice! Assjuice!

You better eat this fucking dog food, now!


PETE: What's the lesson?

BOYS: Don't go to sleep!

This is your destiny, Assjuice.


ALL: (CHANTING) Assjuice! Assjuice! Assjuice!

Assjuice! Assjuice!

I don't know.

JIMMY: Everyone breaks, bro.


That's from Zero Dark Thirty.

You guys don't get it.

I've gone through hell.

I'm not gonna throw that all away now.

You know how many BJs I've been promised?

Infinite BJs.

Infinite. Infinite.

Infinite BJs.

Delta Psi forever, ya bish.

We'll give you $1,000.

Okay. I'm in.


Nice! That was good! JIMMY: That was good. That was really good.

That was good. That was sexy, too.

He looks like J.J. Abrams.

MAC: You look good. It looks okay. I think it's okay.

You're never gonna forget this!

Move, elephants! Move! Keep marching.


March, march, march, elephants.

I'm not doing this anymore.

Get back in line, Assjuice!

Get back in line!

Fuck you. I am not an elephant!

What did you just say to me?

I am not an elephant!

He's doing it. He's doing it.

I'm a human man! I have dignity!

We all have dignity! Yes, Assjuice, yes!

Our names are not Fuckhead, or Jizzface, or Lea Michele.

Lea Michele from Glee? That's actually funny.

Yeah, that's really funny.

It's Evan.

And Brendan.

And Juan.

So, fuck you.

Haze me. Say it.

Say it! Come on! Say it, Teddy.

I will haze you until your fucking face falls off!

ALL: Yeah!

That's great. Okay, okay. We did it.

You're in so much fucking trouble. Come with me, pledge.

ASSJUICE: Oh, fuck.

Fuck him up, Teddy.

I'm sorry. I'll do anything.

What's going on, Gary?

Are you okay, man? You seem distraught.

"You seem distraught"?

I mean, you've always been, in my opinion, like, our strongest pledge, and now you're talking back.

ASSJUICE: I'm scared. You're scared?

I'm fucking scared, man. I'm tired all the time.

Fucking tired. I miss my mom.

Oh, no, Assjuice. Breaking? The guy was right.

Everybody breaks.

Okay. I'll tell you what.

You go up to my room.

Lock the door, draw yourself a bath. Relax.

(GASPS) "Draw yourself a bath"?

Catch up on some Z's, okay? Take a nap.

Full season of Girls up there in the DVR.

We never planned for nice.

Thanks for talking to me, brother. All right?

You can always come to me with this kind of stuff, all right?

You're doing a great job. See you upstairs.


I'm sorry, guys. He's too good of a dude.

No! Teddy!

What's up? Yeah, one more thing.

No more thing!

These glasses, there's a camera in them.

ALL: No!

Oh, my God!

The asset's gone rogue.

Shit, he's still talking.

ASSJUICE: Your neighbors got me to wear them, so they could film you hazing us, so the fraternity would get dissolved.

And this isn't the first time. No, no, no, no. They flooded the basement.

They got Brother Pete to hook up with Sister Brooke.

I'm so sorry, man.

It's okay. They've been after us for weeks.

No! He's telling him everything!

Oh, my God! Jesus Christ, guys!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

MAC: Wait.

He's looking at us.

What are you doing? He's looking at us.

You guys just crossed the fucking line. You're dead.

We're dead?


Oh, God! Oh, my God! That was scary.

Come on, guys. Jesus.

How do you turn these off?

ASSJUICE: It's on the side.

(SINGING) We're gonna go to the shops Then we're gonna go to Mommy and Me And see all those bitches that I hate It's gonna be really boring But we'll get out of the house!

KELLY: I think the frat has broken into the car and stolen all of the airbags.

Airbags? Yeah.

That's so weird. Is anything else missing?

No! Okay.

Why would they just break in and steal the airbags?

I don't know. We should file a police report...


What the fuck?

Oh, shit!

Found the airbags!

There's three left!



Jimmy, are you okay?

I'm fine!

It wasn't as bad as it seemed. I'm fine.

Delta Psi has the upper hand!

We went too far now. This is dangerous.

We did not go too far.

Now is when we get them back even more.

Do you see what they fucking did to me? We don't stop now!

So, what it's gonna be next? They're gonna break into the house?

No. No.

You need to grow up, okay? Our family is in danger.

I need to grow up? Yes, you need to grow up.

One of us has got to be the adult in this relationship.

You should take responsibility.

That's not only offensive, but it's fucking stupid.

It's offensive that I'm saying that you should be smart?

Yes, it's offensive that I have to be the smart one all the time!

I'm allowed to be just as irresponsible as you.

Well, that's how it works! I'm the dumb guy, and you're the woman who's supposed to stop the dumb guy from doing dumb shit!

Haven't you ever seen a fucking Kevin James movie?

We can't both be Kevin James. I'm Kevin James!

I have a little bit of Kevin James in me.

Well, we can't both...

Clearly, you're the one who knows better, so you should know better.

You know that I'm not like that, and I've never been like that.

Well, maybe you should be. That's never been me.

Just because I'm a mom doesn't mean that I'm gonna change who I am.

Well, just because I'm a father, it doesn't mean I can stop doing mushrooms with teenagers.

Fine! Fine!

Good. Good, then.

Okay, Kevin, I don't think we're a good team anymore.

The team is breaking up. Yep.

This worked before we had Stella, but...

Now it doesn't. It doesn't work anymore.

Yeah, because someone refuses to grow up.

Fine. Okay. Fine then.

You go find your nagging wife that you want to find, and I'll go find a real man.

Fine! Good to know. Fine.

I don't feel safe here, just in case you didn't know.

Well, that's crazy.

I'm gonna take our child and go.

Oh, yeah? Well, that's ludicrous, because this is perhaps the safest place on the planet, just so you know!

You're kidnapping our baby! Asshole!

Don't kidnap our baby!

I'm gonna put out an AMBER fucking Alert!

Enjoy the house by yourself, you child!

This is safer than the White House!


Dude, we missed the airbag!

Kelly, there's one left!

It could be anywhere!


Hey, man, do you think, maybe we're going, like, way too far with this?

I mean, as a child of divorce, I just...

I can't help it, I sympathize with them.

Well, my parents love each other, and I think it's hilarious.



Fuckers! Fuck!

Shalom, Mac.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

How's it going? I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.

I love you so much. I'm so sorry.

I love you, I'm sorry.

I was so stupid.

What a stupid fucking fight to have.

No, I was stupid. I'm really, really sorry.

I'm so sorry. It was so dumb.

It was really dumb. I love you so much, okay?

Do you still like me? I miss you. I love you.

Do you still like me? Yes, I still like you.

Okay, good. I love you. Okay.

She's so crazy.

She's still behind you.

Hey. Hi.

Lame, isn't it, Pete?


You're really villaining out in here.

What's lame? What's going on?

Lame that we're on probation.

We're not gonna end up on this thing.

That is kind of lame, but also kind of meaningless, right?

What the fuck are you talking about?

No, man. I just mean, like, you're the President, you know?

If you want to be up there so bad, just put your picture up.

No one's gonna stop you.

Because then I didn't earn it.

It doesn't mean anything if you don't earn it.

Who cares?

"Who cares?"

Are you kidding me?

You're the VP, man.

We have wanted this since we were freshmen.

Dude, that was four years ago, okay?

We were fucking virgins. All right?

We're about to be, like, adults now.

In two weeks, none of this is even gonna matter.

What the fuck are you talking about?

I mean, you do realize that all this stuff, it's all bullshit, right?

It's all made up.

Like, my brother's fraternity also thinks they invented beer pong.

Well, your brother is a liar.

All right, let's put that down.

Dude, I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but I think you're freaking out about what you're gonna do next year.


I'm trying to be your friend, okay?

But I don't know why you try to hide this stuff from me.

I'm a psychology minor, you know that.

"I'm a psychology minor."

Dude, why do you think you're so obsessed with that old couple next door, all right?

It's because they remind you of the future.

I'm sorry, but it's true.

What the fuck are you talking about?

You're trying to be my friend? Yes!

Well, why don't you go fuck my girlfriend again?

What? Yeah.

I thought we were over that. What are you...

How the fuck could I be cool with that, man?

You had sex with my girlfriend!

What are you... We said all those things, all right?

They rhymed! What the hell was that?

We said some shit that rhymed? Are you crazy, man?

How the fuck would that make me feel better?

You don't think I was clearly trying to mask how I really felt, so I tried to bro out with you?

I don't know! You're a good actor!

What the fuck am I supposed to think?

Get the fuck out of here!

God! Dude, take your shit out on someone else, all right?

This isn't about me. Okay.

That's right, Pete. Walk away.

Bitch. Oh, my God.


Scoonie put his dick in your mouth while you were sleeping, bitch!

Uh-uh. I wasn't asleep.




One sec!

Get your knees in there.

There you go.

Hey, neighbor.

What the fuck do you want, man?

Hi, how's it going?

What do you want? It's over. Yeah.

You won. There's nothing else.

We're just getting started.

I know what you might be thinking.

"Teddy is gonna graduate this year

"and everything's gonna be fine."

But it won't.

Because in a few weeks, when school ends, so does our probation.

There's gonna be hundreds and thousands of Teddys living next door to you for all time.

Because "Teddy" is just an idea.

It's over. It's over, man.

Okay? It's done.

It's over? Okay, it's over, it's over, it's over.

I just have one thing I wanted to say.

This entire time, your daughter is gonna be growing up watching all these young, shirtless men next door, and we're gonna be watching right back.

You're a bad boy! Get off our porch.

Delta Psi, bitch. Now! I'm gonna call the police!

Get off!

We are not moving.

No. They are.

The problem is that they're on probation.

I know. They're being careful.

They're never gonna do anything ridiculous, because they're watching themselves.

What would be great is if they didn't think they were on probation.

Our probation's been lifted! Our probation's been lifted!

Our probation's been lifted!

Yeah, this is amazing.

I want a baby. I'm gonna have a baby.

You don't want a baby. Oh, I do.

Would you be my surrogate, Kelly?

No! Dude, don't ask that.

Don't be so fucking offended. It's not like we're gonna have sex.

I would masturbate into her. MAC: That's not how it works.

That's not what you would do.

(CELL PHONE CHIMES) I don't want to talk about this.

Oh, shit. Teddy just tweeted.


Tomorrow night, party's on.

Free party tonight.

There'll be food, blankets. It's gonna be great.

(ON RADIO) We're back on the air with Dirty Boy.

And Romie the Homie.

ROMIE: Right, right. So let's take a few calls.

DIRTY BOY: All right, caller, what's your name?

Hey, dude.

This is Nutsack calling over from Delta Psi.

ROMIE: What's up, Nutsack?

We're having a huge rager tonight.

You know what brings people to a party more than anything?


This is Mark Wahlberg. If you don't come to this party, I'm gonna give you a world-class knuckle sandwich.

Oh, my gosh. This is Anne Hathaway.

I want to ask you to the party this weekend that I'm having with friends.

Hello. This is Julia Child.

Ho! Hey, babe, you want to party?

The question is, do you want to party?

Right there.

You, too, Deadwood. There you go.

See you guys.

Hey, it's Ray Romano. What are you doin'?

No, this is Ray Romano and... No, this is Ray Romano...

Who is Ray Romano?

This is President Barack Obama, telling you to come to a great party this evening at 2203 West Olmstead.

Peace, nigga.


Gentlemen, we are fortunate members of a prestigious lineage of extraordinary gentlemen.

We are Delta Psi Beta.

ALL: Delta Psi!

Now, there is no higher honor in Delta Psi than making it onto the wall.

And this year, we will make it on that wall.

People have hot-boxed showers.

They've hot-boxed cars.

Attics. Caves. Fire trucks.

Porta-Potties. Private planes.

But tonight, forget the hot-box.

I give you the hot house.

MAC: Holy shit.

(CAR ALARM BLARING) This party is getting out of control.

This is strike three. This is crazy.

Strike three. Yes!

JIMMY: Yes, hello. This is the President of the neighborhood watch.

There is a giant party at 2203 West Olmstead right now.

They're yelling and fighting. The ringleader's name is Scoonie.

He's a little scrawny piece of shit with a giant dick.

Come on, come on. Stay on message! I'm sorry.

They are sending the cops.

DISPATCH ON RADIO: We have a disturbance at 2203 West Olmstead.



What is this? Is this our flyer?

No, we do everything online!

Who makes flyers anymore?

Fucking old people!

Old people?

Thumbsucker! Let me see the letter from the school, man!

Our school's insignia is in Latin.

This is in Jewish!

What? We're not off probation!

The old people have the upper hand.

We got to get everyone out of here!

We got to get everybody...

BOTH: Hootie-hoo! Hootie-hoo!

TEDDY: Guys!

DELTA PSI BROTHERS: Hootie-hoo! Hootie-hoo!

Shit, they're hootie-hooing!

What? They're fucking hootie-hooing.

KELLY: What does that mean?

That means they know the cops are coming.

I don't get it! MAC: It's from an Outkast song.

BOTH: (SINGING) Born and bred up on the street top Get the money and the sweet spot And forever hollerin'

Hootie-hoo When we see cops Yo, cops be robbing niggaz blind With the dollars...

Okay, okay, we fucking get it! I get it. I get it.

That's the song. How could they know that's happening?

How do they know something's wrong?

It's because of the Hebrew.

I put a little Hebrew in the school sign, you know, like a coded game.

What? What?

Check this out. Inside the school seal, I put sof hamisschak, which is Hebrew for "game over."

What the fuck is wrong with you, man? Why did you do that?

Stop hitting me. MAC: That's so stupid!

No! No, no! It's like a wink, you know?

Like at the end of a heist, you leave your calling card.

It's like, "They got us again."

One big difference, the heist isn't done!

We're mid-fucking-heist, genius!


Everybody out! Party's over!

Let's go! This is not a fucking drill!

Stop standing around! Let's go!

Drinks down! No alcohol outside! Get the fuck out of here!

Party's over! Dirty Santa, let's go!

Everyone's clearing out. Oh, my God!

Everyone's leaving!

This isn't a strike! It's not a strike if everyone's leaving!


It's Watkins.

Looks like the party shut down.


Cops are here.

Fuck me! Shit! They're sending Garf out to talk to him.

He's so charming, he'll get the cop to leave.

WATKINS: Yo, is there a party going on around here?

No, no. There was, but I shut that down.

You got nothing to worry about, officer.

That's really responsible of you guys.

You must've heard we were coming.

Look, we're in a nice neighborhood. We want to be good neighbors.

It's the least we could do, you know?

We appreciate that, man.

I'm gonna go now. No.

You're not trying to get rid of me, are you?

No. No.

We've got to save... Come on, we're so close!

We gotta save this. What do we do? Okay, okay, okay.

Teddy's room. We got to sneak into Teddy's room.

Fuse box. We'll turn the party back on.

Get the party going again. Get the party started.

Let's go. Get the party started! Come on!

Grab the monitor. Grab the monitor.

What are you doing? I'm sneaking.

What the fuck?

Don't worry about it.

Is that your real name? Garf?

Well, Garfield.

Garfield. Garfield, yeah. Yeah.

Oh. Yeah.

Like the cat. My father... Yeah.

"I hate Mondays!"

"I hate Mondays!"

"I love lasagna!"


Do some cat stuff real quick. Be sarcastic or lick yourself.

Okay. All right.



I love fucking with you when you high, man.

PETE: Get the hell out of here.

Everybody out! Hootie-hoo! Let's go!

All right, fellas, get a move on. Hootie-hoo!

What the fuck is wrong with you, man? What the...

That was, like, a distraction so they couldn't see what was going on.

Grow up! It worked. Okay. Okay.

Yeah. There wasn't anything behind it.

You used so much tongue!

PETE: Upstairs clear!

Hey. Do not let anyone upstairs, you got me?

Yes, sir.


Holy fuck.

What was that?

Shaggy, Scooby, Jizzface, let's investigate!

It's open. It's open.


He's right there! He's right there!

What do we do? What do we do? What do we do?

We got to get him out of there! Distraction.

Okay, distraction. What? What do we do?

Distraction, distraction.

I'm gonna jump off the balcony. What?

No, no, why? Why? No! What?


JIMMY: Oh, God!


Fuck! Shit, shit. Go!

What the fuck?

Nice. He's gone.

He's gone.

Come on, come on! Damn it!

One, two, three?


JIMMY: Oh, God! Oh, God!

My God, Jesus!

What the hell, bro?

What up, Teddy?

What the fuck?

"Boobs" upside down!

I can't do "boob." I can do "Bob."

I can do "cock." I can do "C-O-K."


Sixty-nine? There's three numbers!

What other stupid number combinations are there?

I'll never talk! I'm unbreakable!


I'm not a distraction.

It's a distraction?

No! No!

I got it, I got it. I got it.



Boom! Yes!

BOTH: Yes! Yes! Yes!

(CHUCKLES) Yes. I'm gonna kill you.

Go, go. Okay.

Don't open this door no matter what you hear!

TEDDY: This is it.

Mano y mano.

You are not getting through this door.

Jesus. Okay.

Fuck, these kids locked everything!

God damn it.

I've been wanting this. I've got your number.


Yeah, I'm ready. Are you ready, huh?


Oh? Huh?

Old man. Oh, my nuts!

Why the fuck do you keep fighting?



Yes, that felt good!

MAC: I hit him, Kelly! Fuck!

Oh, yeah!


Okay, let's just relax for a second.

Baby, let me in!

I can't let you in yet. I haven't figured out how to open it!

Okay, fuck me!



What the fuck?


How'd you even do that?

No idea.

Come here! No!

What the fuck? Damn it!

Who still has waterbeds?


Let's do this shit.

Suck my dick!

Suck my dick.

Yeah, suck it! Suck my dick.

No, no!

So gross! Ew!

That was very immature!

I'm Batman!

Oh! Fuck!

I'm Batman!


Oh, shit!

Fuck me!

God damn it!

Good luck with all your problems, officer.


Get off of me!

God damn it!

No, no, no! Yeah!

Oh, shit!


Kelly, honey.

He's coming. Kelly, it's over!

Kelly, he's coming!

Fuck! Shit!

So long, neighbor.




I need backup at 2203 West Olmstead!

Delta Psi is attacking me! I'm under fire right now!

I need backup! Over!

Well played, motherfuckers.

What the fuck are you looking at?

What the fuck are y'all looking at?

Well played. What the fuck?

You can't tell anyone I showed you this. Okay, baby?

Oh, my God. Shut up, Scoonie.

I'm sorry, baby.


No, guys! Hey, hey!

Oh, shit!

Holy shit!

My brothers need me.


Holy shit.


Holy shit! Did you break your leg?

Baby broke his leg!

I'm not a baby.

Oh, no? I'm a fucking man!

My God, Jimmy!

He's so light. He's all dick.

Thank you.

Keep your dick away from my wife!



This is who I am.

Jimmy fuckin' Blevitz.

You want this?

Oh, my leg.

Let's make a baby.

That'll solve all our problems.



We are fucked, man.

Yeah. We're fucked, man.

I guess we're all going down in a blaze of glory, huh?

What? No way, man. Get out of here.

Dude, all that shit I was saying the other day about you and the fraternity...

Fuck that, all right? I was out of line, man.

This stuff is important.

I know.

Regardless of anything, we're brothers for life.

This is on me. I took it too far.

That's why you got to go.

(SIRENS WAILING) You got a bright future, kid.

You're the smartest person I know.

I'm the President of a fraternity.

You could be President of the United Nations.

There is no President of the United Nations.

Yeah, but see, that's my fucking point! You know shit like that, man!

This is all my fault.

You're not taking the heat for this.

I fucking will, man.

Brothers don't get divorced. Yeah, I know.

I'm a supernova. Burn bright, die young.

I fucking love you, man.

I love you, dawg. I love you.

I fucking love you, man. Get out of here.

Be in this moment! Live in this shit with me!

I love you! I love you, too, man.

I love you!

I fucking love you, Pete. I love you!

I love you, too, but... Get out of here, man! Just go!

Delta Psi.

Delta Psi, man. All right?

Go! Get the brothers out of here now, man!

Go, go! All right! Hey!

T-Bone, Gerbil, Jizzface, let's get the fuck out of here! Let's go!

Delta Psi forever!

(GROANS) Delta Psi this shit!

You've been a bad boy. I'm gonna spank you.


KELLY: That's our baby.

She's so sweet.

Look at her.

We're a family.

We are.

I love you.



Holy shit. That was close.

I could not deal with that right now. Fuck, no way.

Jesus. I'm exhausted.

That would be a fucking disaster. Oh, Jesus.

We did it!

We did it. We fucking did it.

We did it.


Come on.

We fucking did that shit.

We totally did it.

I think I was near one of those oil drums for too long.

I think I might be really quite stoned.

Me, too.

Life's crazy.

It is crazy.

I milked you.

You're a human being, and I fucking milked you.

We made a baby. Things have changed. Everything has changed.

Part of our life is just totally over.


Just gone. Yeah.

It's never coming back. No.

We'll never not be responsible for someone until we're so, so old.

I think I like old people shit better than young people shit now.

I love brunch.

Oh, it's the best!

And I get really excited when I smell freshly ground coffee.

Me, too, because it's awesome.

Like, way too excited.

I want a tomato garden. How's that?

I love going to The Container Store and buying containers.

Me, too.

I love our hand soap that's shaped like seashells.


It smells like lemongrass.

Me, too.

Do you think we'll be good parents?

I think we'll be good at it and bad at it.


You know, when we had Stella, I was afraid of missing the party, but then I realized that we are the party.

This is the only party I want to be at.

You're gonna make me cry.

Don't cry.

Oh, my God.

Where did you get that?

I brought it into bed with us.

I also got some ranch dipping sauce.

Oh, my God. Mmm-hmm.

That's the best idea.



TEDDY: Welcome to Abercrombie.

Come inside. Check out some board shorts.

Hey, Mac!

Hey, dude. What's up, man?

What up, man? How's it going?

Good to see you. Good to see you, too.

You're one of those guys!

I am, yeah. Yeah.

It's a pretty good gig. Yeah.

You'd be surprised, I actually meet a shit-ton of girls here.

Not that surprised.

Your body basically looks like a giant arrow pointing right towards your dick.

Oh, my God. Thank you. No problem, man.

I think that's a compliment. It is a compliment.

We went nuts.

It escalated very quickly.

It escalated to a really crazy place. That was really nuts, man.

How are the guys?

They're all great. They got a big house off campus.

Pete's a fancy architect, designing buildings and stuff.

How's the rest of post-college life treating you?

It's good, man. I'm having fun.

I realize I probably should have studied a little bit more.

Little bit. (LAUGHS)

But I'm going to night school to get my degree, so...

Awesome, man. Yeah.

Well, it's still really good to see you, man.

Great to see you too, buddy.

All right, brother. Good to see you.

Bring it in for the real thing.

Nice, okay. Good to see you, dude.

You know what? While I'm here...

I've always wanted to do this.

All right. Wow, you're really going for it.

I'm doing it. Oh, man.

So, is it our posture? Why do we look so different?

I don't know, man. Just be free.

Just kind of let it out. Okay.

I feel free.


Welcome to Abercrombie & Fitch. Can we take your order?

Welcome to Abercrombie & Fitch.

Abercrombie, Fitch.

Welcome to Abercrombie & Fitch. How you doing?

Can we take your order?

We're a great team. Thanks.

You make the store more approachable.

What does that mean?


It's like, I make...

I'm a more obtainable goal.

Yeah, you're like the relaxed-fit jean guy.

Yeah. I'm the relaxed-fit jeans.

I made some blue meth. It's Gatorade.

Oh, perfect! Great.

She's all ready to go.

This is gonna be the best calendar yet.

Look at that, sweetie.

All right. Let's do it.

Who's my little Heisenberg? You are!

She's a little meth head.

No, she just makes it.


Hey. Look who it is. JIMMY: What's up, dude?

We're at Burning Man!

Burning Man!


You guys should come here.

Bring Stella! You can bring kids! Bring Stella!

MAC: No. No, we're making a Stella calendar.

Yeah, we got six months left.

She's Heisenberg. She's Walter White.

KELLY: See? You're such a lame-o!

Don't be so fucking lame! Totally lame.

It's awesome!

It only gets better and better!

I feel completely comfortable missing that party. Okay.

We gotta go, okay? KELLY: We gotta go.

Yeah, have a good one. Try not to die.

What should we do next?

Don Draper. Yeah. MAC: Yeah, Don Draper.

Let's get the leading men out of the way.

I love you. I love you.

We love you. We love you.

Little Walter White. Baby.

JIMMY: Sof hamisschak.