New York Stories (1989) Script

[POLlCE SlREN]

[CLOCK CH lMES]

♪♪♪

♪ WE SKlPPED A LlGHT FANDANGO ♪

♪ TURNED CARTWHEELS 'CROSS THE FLOOR ♪

♪ l WAS FEELlNG KlND OF SEASlCK ♪

[DOOR BUZZER]

♪ BUT THE CROWD CALLED OUT FOR MORE ♪

♪ THE ROOM WAS HUMMlNG HARDER ♪

♪ AS THE CElLlNG FLEW AWAY ♪

HOW'S lT GOlNG?

HAD YOUR LUNCH YET?

l HEARD THESE TWO KlDS lN THE RESTROOM YESTERDAY.

ONE SAlD, "WHAT'S CHOCOLATE PUDDlNG?" THE OTHER SAlD, "lT'S GOOD. lT'S A LOT LlKE CHOCOLATE MOUSSE."

WHY DO l GET TH lS FEELlNG l'M NOT SEElNG ANY WORK TODAY?

THERE'S NOTH lNG TO SEE. lT'S THE EMPEROR'S NEW CLOTHES. l'M GONNA GET SLAUGHTERED, MAN .

YEAH, WELL, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU GOT, l'M SURE--

JUST TRUST ME ON TH lS. lT'S SH lT. l'M HERE, ALL l WANT TO DO lS LAY DOWN . l'M TAKlNG A DlVE.

WELL, lF YOU CAN'T WORK, AT LEAST YOU CAN EAT.

COME OUT WlTH ME. l CAN'T, l HAVE TO PlCK UP MY ASSlSTANT AT THE AlRPORT. l DON'T KNOW WHY SHE CAN'T TAKE A CAB LlKE EVERYBODY ELSE, BUT YOU KNOW.

WHATEVER.

SO, WHEN WOULD YOU TH lNK WOULD BE A GOOD TlME FOR ME TO COME BACK?

THE SHOW'S lN 3 WEEKS, YOU KNOW?

OH, LlONEL, YOU GO THROUGH TH lS BEFORE EVERY SHOW. l'M TALKlNG 20 YEARS OF TH lS.

NOW, GET TO KNOW YOURSELF A LlTTLE BETTER.

YOU CAN PULL lT OFF, LlONEL, YOU ALWAYS DO.

♪ AND SO lT WAS, BABY ♪

♪ AS THE MlLLER TOLD H lS TALE ♪

♪ THAT HER FACE AT FlRST JUST GHOSTLY ♪

♪ TURNED A WH lTER SHADE OF PALE ♪

♪♪♪ SH lT.

H l . WHAT ARE YOU DOlNG HERE? l THOUGHT l'D PlCK YOU UP SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO HASSLE WlTH CABS.

DlDN'T YOU GET MY MESSAGE? WHAT? l LEFT lT ON THE MACH lNE. l SAlD l'M NOT COMlNG BACK.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE NOT COMlNG BACK?

YOU'RE RlGHT HERE, l'D CALL THAT COMlNG BACK.

YOU SHOULD LlSTEN TO YOUR MACH lNE NOW AND THEN .

LlSTEN TO YOUR MACH lNE?

DOESN'T THAT HAVE A HORRlFYlNG RlNG TO lT, THAT EXPRESSlON, LlSTEN TO YOUR MACH lNE?

LOOK, l DlDN'T GO TO FLORlDA WlTH A GlRLFRlEND LlKE l TOLD YOU .

OH YEAH? l WENT WlTH SOMEBODY ELSE.

A GUY?

SO? SO WHAT?

WHO'S THE GUY? DlD HE COME OFF THE PLANE WlTH YA?

WHY, YOU WANT TO GlVE H lM A LlFT HOME? l'D BE LYlNG lF l SAlD l WASN'T CURlOUS TO SEE WHAT KlND OF MAN RlNGS YOUR BELL.

LOOK, HE'S NOT HERE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE'S NOT HERE?

WHAT'D HE DO, TAKE A GODDAMN GREYHOUND.

WE HAD A FlGHT. HE LEFT ME. l SPENT MOST OF THE TlME DOWN THERE BY MYSELF, OKAY?

HE LEFT ME, OKAY?

HE LEFT YOU? HE LEFT YOU?

WHO lS HE? l MEAN WHO lN THElR RlGHT MlND WOULD LEAVE YOU?

WHO'S TH lS GUY? l KNOW H lM, RlGHT?

GREGORY STARK.

THAT KlD, THE COMEDlAN?

A PERFORMANCE ARTlST. PERFORMANCE ARTlST?

WHAT THE HELL lS A PERFORMANCE ARTlST?

A PERSON'S AN ACTOR, A SlNGER, A DANCER. l MEAN DO YOU CALL THE GUY THAT PlCKS UP YOUR GARBAGE YOUR SAN lTARY ENGlNEER?

A PERFORMANCE ARTlST. AND HE LEFT YOU?

NOW YOU SEE THROUGH THAT, RlGHT? l DON'T CARE. lT'S OVER, THAT'S ALL.

LOOK, l'M MOVlNG OUT.

THAT'S WHAT "l'M NOT COMlNG BACK" MEANS.

WHERE YOU GONNA GO? WHAT CAN YOU AFFORD?

YOU GONNA MOVE lNTO A DORMlTORY?

YOU DON'T WANT TO SLEEP WlTH ME ANYMORE?

HEY, l'M A BlG BOY.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO OUT lN THE STREET.

YOU HAD A FLlNG, BlG DEAL. WELCOME TO THE WORLD. l MEAN, WE'RE STlLL EMPLOYER/EMPLOYEE, RlGHT? l'M LEAVlNG NEW YORK. l WANT TO GO HOME.

OH, YEAH, WELL, THAT'S A WHOLE 'NOTHER BALL OF WAX.

YOU WANT TO SPLlT?

FlNE, COME BACK, PACK UP AND GO.

YOU DRAG lT OUT, l'LL DlE. YOU KNOW THAT.

COME ON, LET'S GET lT OVER WlTH .

♪♪♪

♪ SHE SAlD THERE lS NO REASON ♪

♪ AND THE TRUTH lS PLAlN TO SEE ♪

♪ THAT l WANDERED THROUGH MY PLAYlNG CARDS ♪

♪ AND WOULD NOT LET HER BE ♪

♪ ONE OF SlXTEEN VESTAL VlRGlNS ♪

♪ WHO WERE LEAVlNG FOR THE COAST ♪

♪ AND ALTHOUGH MY EYES WERE OPEN ♪

♪ THEY MlGHT JUST AS WELL BE CLOSED ♪

♪ AND SO lT WAS, BABY ♪♪

YOU KNOW, l CAN'T BELlEVE l NEVER NOTlCED THAT lN HERE.

HAS TH lS ALWAYS BEEN lN HERE?

lNCREDlBLY HANDSOME KlD, BEAUTlFUL BOY. l CAN UNDERSTAND THE ATTRACTlON .

DlD YOU EVER SEE H lM PERFORM?

YEAH . YEAH .

HOW lN THE HELL CAN YOU LET SOMEBODY LlKE THAT DRlVE YOU OUT OF NEW YORK? l THOUGHT YOU HAD MORE SPlNE THAN THAT.

HE'S JUST SOME GUY. HE'S NOT DRlVlNG ME OUT.

lT'S NOT H lM. lT'S ME? lT'S NOBODY. lT'S TH lNGS.

TH lNGS? WHAT TH lNGS?

DON'T YOU REASON WlTH ME.

WHAT ABOUT YOUR PAlNTlNG? HUH?

YOU GONNA MAKE A LlTTLE STUDlO lN YOUR PARENTS' GARAGE, WlTH THE RUSTY HEDGE CLlPPERS HANGlNG ON A NAlL, AND POOL STUFF LAYlNG lN THE CORNER AND BROKEN SLED AND MlCE?

YOU WORK FOR LlONEL DOBlE. YOU WORK FOR THE LlON, BABY.

YOU STRETCH CANVASSES. YOU RUN A FEW ERRANDS.

YOU GOT YOUR OWN ROOM, STUDlO, LlFE LESSONS THAT ARE PRlCELESS, PLUS A SALARY. lF YOU ACT NOW, YOU ALSO RECElVE A HANDSOME STERLlNG SlLVER SERVlCE FOR 24.

LOOK, l'M NOT KlDDlNG. TH lS KlLLS ME, YOU LEAVlNG. lT'S A SU lClDE.

TH lS lS A TlME AND A PLACE AT YOUR AGE.

YOU'RE RlGHT lN THE HEART OF THE HEART, PAULETTE. l SWEAR YOU WALK NOW, YOU'LL CURSE YOURSELF THE REST OF YOUR DAYS.

l DON'T HAVE TO SLEEP WlTH YOU ANYMORE?

BABY, l'M YOUR ALLY AGAlNST HORSE DUNG AND FRAUD.

THAT'S AS FAR AS lT GOES FROM NOW ON .

♪♪♪

♪ WE SKlPPED A LlGHT FANDANGO ♪

♪ TURNED CARTWHEELS 'CROSS THE FLOOR ♪

♪ l WAS FEELlNG KlND OF SEASlCK ♪

♪ BUT THE CROWD CALLED OUT FOR MORE ♪ GOD.

♪ THE ROOM WAS HUMMlNG HARDER ♪ STOP, LlONEL, FOR GOD'S SAKE!

WHY?

♪ AS THE CElLlNG FLEW AWAY ♪

♪ WHEN WE CALLED OUT FOR ANOTHER DRlNK ♪

♪ THE WAlTER BROUGHT A TRAY ♪

♪ AND SO lT WAS THAT, BABY ♪ THE MUSlC TOO LOUD?

UH-UH .

YOU SHOULD GET SOME SLEEP. l'M WORKlNG ON lT.

♪ TURNED A WH lTER SHADE OF PALE ♪

YOU GONNA SLEEP LlKE THAT, YOU SHOULD SHUT TH lS, OTHERWlSE COME 4, 5 lN THE MORN lNG, YOU'LL BE--SORRY.

CAN l GET YOU ANYTH lNG?

SOUP? SOUP?

WHO YOU TALKlNG TO? l DON'T CARE.

DRlVlNG ME CRAZY.

♪♪♪

♪ HEY NOW BABY, GET lNTO MY BlG BLACK CAR ♪

♪ l WANNA JUST SHOW YOU WHAT MY POLlTlCS ARE ♪

DON'T YOU KNOCK? l DlD. l THOUGHT YOU SAlD COME lN . l'M SORRY. l TH lNK l LEFT MY SABLE BRUSH lN HERE.

DlD YOU SEE lT?

WHAT ARE YOU DOlNG? l COULD HAVE SWORN l LEFT lT. l'M NOT SLEEPlNG WlTH YOU . YOU PROMlSED.

WHAT?

JESUS, YOU KNOW WHAT? TH lS lS CRAZY. l JUST HAD TH lS lMPULSE l WANTED TO KlSS YOUR FOOT.

YOU'RE NUTS.

NO, NO, NO, l'M JUST WORKlNG TOO HARD. l'M JUST GETTlNG WElRD. l'M UNDER A LOT OF PRESSURE.

YOU KNOW, PH lLLlP'S JUST HANGlNG OVER MY HEAD EVERY DAY, "THE SHOW'S lN 3 WEEKS. SHOW'S lN 3 WEEKS.

SHOW'S lN 3 WEEKS."

LlKE A GODDAMN MOCKlNG BlRD lN MY EAR. l JUST WANTED TO KlSS YOUR FOOT. l'M SORRY, lT'S NOTH lNG PERSONAL.

YOU WANT ME TO GET YOU ANYTH lNG?

♪ THAT HER FACE AT FlRST JUST GHOSTLY ♪

♪ TURNED A WH lTER SHADE OF PALE ♪

♪♪♪

SO, DO YOU LOVE ME?

LOVE YOU? l SAlD l DlD, YES.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO lF l LEFT? WHAT WOULD l DO?

OH, l'D GO UP ON THE ROOF AND HOLLER LlKE A GUT-SHOT DOG.

WELL, l DON'T LOVE YOU . SO WHAT?

♪ BABY ♪

♪ N lGHT AND DAY ♪

♪ BABY ♪

♪ N lGHT AND DAY ♪

♪ BABY ♪

♪ N lGHT AND DAY ♪

♪ OH, BABY ♪

♪ N lGHT AND DAY ♪

♪ LAWDY BABY ♪

♪ N lGHT AND DAY ♪

♪ TAKE MY HAND ♪

♪ N lGHT AND DAY ♪

♪ l DON'T NEED ♪

♪ N lGHT AND DAY ♪

♪ NO OTHER MAN ♪

♪ N lGHT AND DAY ♪

♪ l SAlD BABY ♪

♪ N lGHT AND DAY ♪

♪ BABY ♪

♪ N lGHT AND DAY ♪

♪ BABY ♪

♪ N lGHT AND DAY ♪

♪ WHOAH! ♪

♪ BABY NOW ♪

♪ N lGHT AND DAY ♪

♪ OH, COME ON BABY ♪

♪ N lGHT AND DAY ♪

♪ YOU KNOW l WANT YOU BY MY SlDE ♪

♪ N lGHT AND DAY ♪

♪ l WANT YOU TO KEEP ♪

♪ N lGHT AND DAY ♪

♪ OH KEEP ME SATlSFlED ♪

♪ N lGHT AND DAY ♪ l TELL YOU N lGHTTlME, N lGHT AND DAY, ♪ OH, lS THE RlGHT TlME ♪

♪ N lGHT AND DAY ♪

♪ YEAH, TO BE WlTH THE ONE YOU LOVE NOW ♪

♪ N lGHT AND DAY ♪

lT'S AMAZlNG HOW MUCH MORE lNTERESTlNG HE'S GETTlNG.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN lNTERESTlNG? lT'S NOT BORlNG.

YOU KNOW, YOU GOT A N lCE LlTTLE lRONY WORKlNG FOR YA. lRONY?

YEAH, N lCE lRONY.

HOW'S THE TENSlON?

LAST TlME-- lT WAS N lCE. N lCE?

YEAH, N lCE.

YOU'RE FULL OF SH lT, YOU KNOW THAT?

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE THE ONLY PERSON lN THE WORLD WHO CAN SAY THAT TO ME AND LlVE.

LOOK, CAN YOU JUST TELL ME lF YOU TH lNK l'M ANY GOOD, HOW ABOUT THAT?

JUST TELL ME lF l HAVE ANY TALENT OR lF YOU TH lNK l'M JUST WASTlNG MY TlME.

BECAUSE SOMETlMES l FEEL l SHOULD JUST QU lT BECAUSE--

JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU TH lNK.

COME ON .

WHAT THE HELL DlFFERENCE DOES lT MATTER WHAT l TH lNK? lT'S YOURS. l MEAN, YOU MAKE ART BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO, 'CAUSE YOU GOT NO CHOlCE. lT'S NOT ABOUT TALENT. lT'S ABOUT NO CHOlCE BUT TO DO lT.

ARE YOU ANY GOOD?

WELL, YOU'RE 22, SO WHO KNOWS?

WHO CARES? YOU WANT TO GlVE lT UP?

YOU GlVE lT UP.

YOU WEREN'T A REAL ARTlST TO BEGlN WlTH .

CHRlST'S SAKE.

GlVE lT UP, YOU WEREN'T A REAL ARTlST TO BEGlN WlTH .

STUPlD TH lNG TO SAY, STUPlD.

H l, MOM. NOT SO GOOD.

l'M NOT. l CAN'T.

l WANT TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL.

l DON'T KNOW.

CAN l COME HOME FOR A LlTTLE WH lLE?

NO.

BECAUSE l HATE lT HERE.

♪♪♪ HEY, LlONEL!

LlONEL!

TURN THE MUSlC DOWN .

LlONEL!

♪♪♪

♪ LlKE A COMPLETE UNKNOWN, LlKE A ROLLlNG STONE? ♪

♪ PRlNCESS ON THE STEEPLE AND ALL THE PRETTY PEOPLE ♪

♪ THEY'RE DRlNKlN', TH lNKlN' THAT THEY GOT lT MADE ♪

♪ EXCHANGlNG ALL KlNDS OF PREClOUS GlFTS AND TH lNGS ♪

♪ BUT YOU'D BETTER LlFT YOUR DlAMOND RlNG ♪

♪ YOU'D BETTER PAWN lT, BABE ♪

♪ YOU USED TO BE SO AMUSED, AT NAPOLEON lN RAGS ♪

♪ AND THE LANGUAGE THAT HE USED ♪

♪ GO TO H lM NOW, HE CALLS YOU, YOU CAN'T REFUSE ♪

♪ WHEN YOU AlN'T GOT NOTH lNG, YOU GOT NOTH lNG TO LOSE ♪

♪ YOU'RE lNVlSlBLE NOW, YOU GOT NO SECRETS TO CONCEAL ♪

♪ HOW DOES lT FEEL? ♪

♪ TO BE ON YOUR OWN WlTH NO DlRECTlON HOME? ♪

♪ LlKE A COMPLETE UNKNOWN, LlKE A ROLLlNG STONE? ♪

l APPREClATE YOU COMlNG WlTH ME TON lGHT. l HATE THESE TH lNGS WlTH A PASSlON .

YOU KNOW, TH lS GUY WAGNER, THE PARTY GlVER?

HE'S lN REAL ESTATE, RlGHT?

HE COME DOWN TO MY STUDlO ONE TlME, HE PUTS H lS ARM AROUND MY SHOULDER AND HE SAYS, "LlONEL, DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE lMPORTANCE OF JACKSON POLLOCK?"

THEN HE POlNTS OUT ALL THE CONDOS AND LOFT CO-OP CONVERSlONS OUT lN THE WlNDOW AND HE SAYS, "lF lT WASN'T FOR JACKSON, NONE OF TH lS WOULD BE HAPPEN lNG."

JACKSON, RlGHT, H lS OLD PAL.

H lS PAL.

YOU KNOW, l HAVEN'T HAD ANY KNOCK-AROUND FRlENDS SlNCE 1 968. l HAVE ASSOClATES, ADMlRERS, THE ATTRACTER, EX-WlVES, RlVALS. l HAVE LOTS OF FRlENDS.

THAT'S A VERY MEAN TH lNG TO SAY TO ME.

YOU HAVE A STRlNG lN YOUR HAlR.

YOU SEE RlGHT THROUGH ME, DON'T YOU? l WAS lN THE ARMY, ARMY lNTELLlGENCE.

YOU SEE, THEY HAD ME DRAW RUSSlAN COUPLES SCREWlNG.

SEE, THEY FlGURED TH lS WAY COME THE NEXT WAR, THEY'D DROP THOUSANDS OF THESE DRAWlNGS BEH lND ENEMY LlNES WlTH THE MESSAGE, "HEY, lVAN, WH lLE YOU'RE OUT HERE FlGHTlNG DEMOCRACY, OLD BORlS lS BACK HOME DOlNG YOUR WlFE."

[LAUGH lNG]

HOW COULD YOU TELL THE COUPLES WERE RUSSlANS?

WELL, l HAD THEM WEARlNG FUR HATS.

WHAT'S THE DlFFERENCE? THE NEXT WAR WAS VlETNAM.

PAULETTE, WHAT? JUST PAULETTE.

SO, WHAT'S lT LlKE TO LlVE WlTH THE BlG MAN? l DON'T LlVE WlTH H lM. l WORK FOR H lM.

SHE'S AN ARTlST lN HER OWN RlGHT, RlGHT?

PETE, TH lS lS PAULETTE.

PAULETTE, WHAT? JUST PAULETTE.

YEAH, YOU LlVE WlTH LlONEL DOBlE.

SHE WORKS FOR H lM. SHE'S AN ARTlST.

REALLY?

YOU HAVE VlSlTlNG lN YOUR STUDlO? l COLLECT MAlNLY '50s STUFF, ROTHKO, KLlNE, YOU KNOW?

BUT l LlKE TO KEEP THE NAME OF THE--

EXCUSE ME. l DON'T HAVE ANYTH lNG lN THE STUDlO RlGHT NOW?

DO YOU HAVE A SHOW UP SOMEWHERE?

NO, l'M SORT OF lN BETWEEN GALLERlES.

WHERE DlD YOU SHOW? EXCUSE ME.

MAY l SPEAK TO YOU A MOMENT? l'LL BRlNG HER RlGHT BACK, GENTLEMEN, l PROMlSE. l GOT REAL GOOD AT lT, ALL THESE DlFFERENT SEXUAL POSlTlONS AND EXPRESSlONS OF ECSTASY, AND TH lS CAPTAlN GAVE ME A HUNDRED BUCKS FOR A SET OF SlX.

SAlD lT WAS AN ANN lVERSARY PRESENT FOR H lS WlFE. lT'S THE FlRST STUFF l EVER SOLD.

l'M SORRY. l DON'T MEAN TO BE RUDE.

ARE YOU AN ARTlST?

GUYS WHO WERE lN MY UN lT WHO WERE lN COMBAT USED TO SAY ANY DAY ABOVE GROUND'S A GOOD DAY.

DO YOU TH lNK THAT'S TRUE?

WHO'S THAT SHORT KlD WlTH THE EARRlNG?

OH, THE LADY KlLLER? THAT'S REUBEN TORO.

HE SHOWS AT BENDlX. HE'S NOT BAD.

N lCE KlD TOO.

HEY, EXCUSE ME. CAN l TALK TO YOU?

MR. LlONEL DOBlE.

YOU KNOW YOU, SlR, ARE LlKE MY WlLLlE MAYS.

A PLEASURE--

CAN l TALK TO YOU? EXCUSE ME.

TO MEET YOU .

WHAT? SHUT UP.

NOW LOOK, l DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAY TH lS. l MEAN l'M NOT YOUR SHEPHERD OR ANYTH lNG, BUT PEOPLE ARE LAUGH lNG AT YA OUT THERE.

WHY?

YOU KNOW THAT GREASY-HAlRED KlD YOU'RE DANClNG WlTH?

WELL, HE'S HERE TO SCORE AND SPLlT. l MEAN, HE DOES TH lS EVERYWHERE HE'S lNVlTED.

HE LlKES TO FlND SOME lNNOCENT KlD AND THEN HE PREYS UPON 'EM. l MEAN, YOU'RE A FREE AGENT. lT'S YOUR LlFE, BUT l'M TELLlN' YA, lF THAT LOW-RENT HOUND DOES ANYTH lNG TO HURT YOU OR HUMlLlATE YOU-- l THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA TELL ME THAT THEY WERE LAUGH lNG AT ME BECAUSE OF MY WORK.

WELL, TH lS lS KlND OF WORSE, DON'T YOU TH lNK?

LET ME GO OUT FlRST.

YOU STAY lN HERE A MlNUTE BECAUSE lF PEOPLE SEE US GO OUT TOGETHER THEN THElR MlNDS MAKE THESE lLLUSlONS.

CREEP.

LlONEL, THERE YOU ARE.

LlONEL, l WANT YOU TO MEET KURT BLOOM, JUST BOUGHT THE RONALD GALLERY lN BERLlN .

LlONEL DOBlE. LlONEL DOBlE, N lCE TO SEE YOU .

OPEN THE DOOR. lT'S A GREAT PLEASURE FOR ME.

NO, JUST A COUPLE OF KlDS.

RONALD GALLERY.

YES, RONALD GALLERY lN BERLlN . WEST BERLlN?

WEST BERLlN, YES.

KURT BLOOM. KURT BLOOM, YES.

LlONEL, l HATE YOU . l'M REALLY ADMlRlNG YOUR WORK. lT'S VERY GREAT TO SEE YOU HERE.

LlONEL!

♪ HAPPY BlRTHDAY TO YOU ♪

♪ HAPPY BlRTHDAY DEAR GEORGE ♪

♪ HAPPY BlRTHDAY TO YOU ♪♪

[AUDlENCE APPLAUDlNG]


♪♪♪

♪ CONQU lSTADOR, THERE lS NO TlME ♪

♪ l MUST PAY MY RESPECT ♪

♪ AND THOUGH l CAME TO JEER AT YOU, l LEAVE NOW WlTH REGRET ♪

♪ AS THE GLOOM BEGlNS TO FALL, l SEE THERE lS NO, ONLY ALL ♪

♪ AND THOUGH YOU CAME WlTH SWORD HELD H lGH ♪

♪ YOU DlD NOT CONQUER, ONLY DlE ♪

♪ AND THOUGH l HOPED FOR SOMETH lNG TO FlND ♪

♪ l COULD SEE NO MAZE TO UNWlND ♪♪

["NESSUN DORMA" AN OPERA PERFORMED BY MARlO DEL MONACO]

♪ TU PURE, O PRlNClPESSA ♪

♪ NELLA TUA FREDDA STANZA ♪

♪ GUARDl LE STELLE CHE TREMANO ♪

♪ D'AMORE E Dl SPERANZA ♪

♪ MA lL MlO MlSTERO E CH lUSO lN ME ♪

♪ lL NOME MlO NESSUN SAPRA ♪

♪ NO, NO, SULLA TUA BOCCA LO DlRO ♪

♪ QUANDO LA LUCE SPLENDERA ♪

♪ ED lL MlO BAClO SClOGLERA ♪

♪ lL SlLENZlO CHE Tl FA MlA ♪♪ OH, MAN, COULD l GET A CUP OF THAT? l'M DEAD AND BURlED.

YOU A GRAFFlTl ARTlST, TORO? l WOULDN'T SAY THAT.

["NESSUN DORMA" VERY LOUD]

♪♪♪

lT'S FOR THE JAPAN HOUSE TON lGHT.

LlSTEN, l'M SORRY WHAT l SAlD TO YA AT THE PARTY. l JUST GET CRAZY. lT'S BEAUTlFUL.

LOOK, l CAN'T GO WlTH YOU TON lGHT. l MADE OTHER PLANS.

OH YEAH? l'M GOlNG TO THE BLlND ALLEY WlTH SOME GlRLFRlENDS.

OH YEAH? WHO'S AT THE BLlND ALLEY?

l JUST WANT TO SHOW H lM THAT l DON'T GlVE A DAMN ANYMORE, YOU KNOW? l CAN GO SEE H lM, SEE H lS STUFF LlKE ANYBODY ELSE.

DOES THAT SOUND LlKE TOTAL HORSESH lT OR WHAT?

NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT. l TH lNK WE SHOULD. l TH lNK WE SHOULD SHOW H lM THAT LlFE GOES ON, THAT HE'S NOT EVEN WORTH AVOlDlNG. l TH lNK YOU HAVE TO GO RlGHT UP lN H lS FACE TON lGHT, l MEAN RlGHT UP lN H lS FACE. l TH lNK l'D RATHER WORK.

DON'T USE WORK AS AN EXCUSE. YOUR WORK'S SACRED.

WELL, MAYBE YOURS lS.

NO, YOURS TOO. YOURS TOO.

NOW LOOK, YOU GO WlTH YOUR GlRLFRlENDS.

YOU GO WlTH THEM lT'S LlKE A BUNCH OF H lGH SCHOOL GlRLS WlTH A CRUSH ON SOME BOY.

BUT lF YOU WALK lN WlTH ME, YOU MAKE AN ENTRANCE WlTH FlREPOWER, WlTH DlGN lTY.

WHAT ABOUT JAPAN HOUSE?

FlRST COMES OUR HOUSE. l TH lNK YOU SHOULD GO RlGHT UP lN H lS FACE.

SEE, l DON'T LOOK FOR TROUBLE. l MEAN, BUT SOME PEOPLE DO, RlGHT?

THEY LlKE WALK AROUND. THEY'RE LlKE LOOKlNG FOR A FlGHT.

LlKE, OKAY, l HAD TH lS ONE GUY ONE TlME, HE'S WALKlNG DOWN THE STREET AND HE STEPS ON MY FOOT.

ALL RlGHT, lT WAS AN ACClDENT.

HE DlDN'T MEAN lT OR ANYTH lNG, BUT HE DOESN'T SAY ANYTH lNG.

YOU KNOW SO l SAlD, EXCUSE ME.

HE TURNS AROUND HE SAYS, "YEAH, WHAT?" l SAlD OKAY, NEVER MlND. FORGET ABOUT lT.

AM l SUPPOSED TO GET lN A FlGHT WlTH A GUY BECAUSE HE STEPS ON MY FOOT?

ALL RlGHT, WHAT lF l DO FlGHT WlTH THE GUY AND l GET LUCKY AND l KlLL H lM, RlGHT?

THEN THE COPS COME BY AND THEY SAY, "WELL, HOW COME YOU KlLLED TH lS GUY?"

WELL, HE STEPPED ON MY FOOT.

THEY'RE GONNA TH lNK l OVERREACTED.

[AUDlENCE LAUGH lNG]

SEE, l DON'T KNOW WHAT lT lS, l WOKE UP TODAY. l MEAN l WAKE UP EVERY DAY.

BUT TODAY, l WOKE UP AND l FELT REALLY STRANGE, YOU KNOW? l MEAN REALLY WElRD BECAUSE l WASN'T DEPRESSED. l WASN'T SAD. l WASN'T ANGRY.

ON THE OTHER HAND, l MEAN l WASN'T HAPPY OR GOOD NATURED. l JUST SORT OF FELT, l DON'T KNOW, KlND OF EVEN .

DON'T GET ME WRONG, OKAY, l'M NOT CONTENT. l HATE THAT, YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU SAY TO SOMEBODY, WELL, HOW ARE YOU?

AND THEY GO, "WELL, l'M CONTENT." l FEEL LlKE SAYlNG, YEAH, WHAT WOULD YOU BE lF l SMACKED YA?

[AUDlENCE LAUGH lNG] l'D RATHER FEEL ONE WAY OR THE OTHER.

BUT TODAY, l JUST FELT. . . EVEN . . .

AND l DON'T LlKE lT.

[AUDlENCE APPLAUDlNG]

♪♪♪ LlONEL DOBlE.

♪♪♪

♪ HEY, HEY ♪ GO UP AND TALK TO H lM. NO, l CHANGED MY MlND. l'M TlRED. l JUST WANT TO GO HOME.

NO, NO, NO, NO, JUST GO ON OVER AND TALK TO H lM.

JUST TELL H lM YOU LlKED THE SHOW.

NOW'S THE TlME.

♪♪♪ GREGORY. H l .

HEY, PAULETTE. l JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU--

GREG, H l . EXCUSE ME.

PETER.

YEAH, WE JUST MlSSED THE SHOW, YOU KNOW TRAFFlC.

OH, MAN .

BUT l HAVE A FRlEND. l'D LlKE YOU TO MEET HANK.

HOW YOU DOlNG?

♪♪♪ CREEP.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT lT. THE GUY lS A JERK.

YOU SEE LlONEL DOBlE? WHERE, lS HE HERE?

HE'S RlGHT THERE. HE'S GOT A BLUE SH lRT ON .

♪♪♪ HEY, FEELlNG BETTER, RlGHT?

WHY'D YOU MAKE ME DO THAT?

HE'S A BASTARD.

NO, YOU'RE THE BASTARD. l DlDN'T WANT TO DO THAT.

WHY'D YOU MAKE ME DO THAT?

ME? l LOVE YOU . l'LL DO ANYTH lNG FOR YOU .

YOU WANT ME TO GO BACK lN THAT TUNNEL AND PULL H lM OUT BY H lS HAlR?

JUST SAY lT.

LlSTEN, YOU DON'T WANT TO SLEEP WlTH ME OR LET ME TOUCH YA. l LlVE WlTH THAT. l WlLL LlVE WlTH THAT BECAUSE l LOVE YOU, BUT JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO, l'LL DO lT. l'LL KlLL H lM lN FRONT OF EVERYBODY.

WHAT? JUST SAY lT.

STOP! LlSTEN TO ME.

LlSTEN TO ME. LlSTEN TO ME.

LlSTEN TO ME. l LOVE YOU . l LOVE YOU . l'LL DO ANYTH lNG FOR YOU . l'LL STRETCH CANVAS FOR YOU .


DO YOU LOVE ME? l SAlD l DlD, YES.

YOU'LL DO ANYTH lNG FOR ME?

WHAT? JUST NAME lT.

SEE THEM?

KlSS THE DRlVER ON THE MOUTH AND WE'LL TALK.

WHAT?

COME ON . SHOW ME HOW MUCH YOU LOVE ME.

WHAT lF l DO, HUH?

THEN l'LL KNOW YOUR LOVE lS TRUE, AND lF YOU DON'T, YOUR NAME lS KlNG BULLSH lT AND l PACK.


HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY.

CHECK OUT GRlZZLY ADAMS HERE.

HAS HE GOT ANYTH lNG? l DON'T TH lNK SO.

HE JUST LOOKS LlKE HE LOST H lS LLAMA.

WHAT'S UP?

HEY, HEY, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

BACK AWAY FROM THE CAR, PAL.

YOU BETTER BACK AWAY FROM THE CAR.

[LAUGH lNG] l LOVE YOU TOO.

COME ON, TAKE A WALK, WlLL YA?


lS THAT FOR ME? lS WHAT FOR YOU?

YOU WALK AROUND LlKE THAT lN FRONT OF ME.

WHAT'S TO STOP ME FROM LOSlNG CONTROL FROM JUST TAKlNG YOU?

TAKlNG ME? l CAN DO ANYTH lNG, YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE l'M NOTH lNG TO YOU, SO WHO CARES? l COULD RAPE YOU . l COULD KlLL YOU . l COULD KlLL MYSELF.

OR RAPE YOURSELF EVEN . l COULD DO ANYTH lNG BECAUSE l'M NOTH lNG. l'M THE lNVlSlBLE MAN WlTH YOU .

N lGHT.

ANYTH lNG. ANYTH lNG.


♪♪♪ HEY, l HEAR HElDl GOT A SHOW.

HER OWN SHOW?

WELL, lT'S A GROUP SHOW.

WHERE? lN EL PASO. lS THAT DONALD DOWD?

YUP.

YOU SEE H lS SHOW? l SAW lT WlTH YOU .

YEAH, SORRY.

BOY, l'M GLAD l MADE SUCH A STRONG lMPRESSlON .

SH lT.

l HEARD HE WON SOME ARTS GRANT.

H lS PARENTS.

HEY. HEY.

HOW YOU DOlN'? l'M GREAT.

HOW ARE YOU?

GOOD. GOOD.

OH, YOU KNOW, l'VE GOT TH lS NEW PlECE RUNN lNG OVER AT BLlND ALLEY.

YOU SHOULD COME SEE lT.

SHE DlD SEE YA, YOU SELF-ABSORBED, NO-TALENT SON OF A BlTCH .

SHUT UP, LlONEL.

WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM, MAN?

WHO lN THE HELL TOLD YOU YOU WERE A HUMAN BElNG?

WHAT lN THE HELL DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THE HUMAN HEART?

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HER. YOU DON'T EVEN SEE HER.

WHAT WAS SHE? JUST COME PlECE OF ASS TO YA?

SHUT YOUR MOUTH, MAN .

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOlNG? WHAT ARE YOU DOlNG?

ARE YOU PUN lSH lNG ME?

PUN lSH lNG YOU?

LlSTEN, l GOT CARRlED AWAY. l'M SORRY. l LOVE YOU .

LOOK, MY BROTHER'S DRlVlNG lN TO PlCK ME UP.

HE'LL BE HERE lN 2 HOURS.

STAY OUT OF MY FACE 'TlL THEM.

WHAT ARE YOU DOlNG? l'M GOlNG HOME.

STAY OUT OF MY FACE.

HOME?

TH lS lS NEW YORK. lT'S HERE FOR YOU . l'LL DO ANYTH lNG FOR YOU . ALL RlGHT, TO HELL WlTH ME.

TO HELL WlTH ME, OKAY?

WHAT ABOUT YOUR PAlNTlNG?

TELL ME WHAT'S HERE.

DON'T GlVE ME TH lS SH lT ABOUT REAL ARTlSTS HAVE NO CHOlCE.

WHAT'S HERE? AM l GOOD?

WlLL l EVER BE GOOD?

COME ON, RlGHT NOW. COME ON!

l'M GOlNG HOME.

YOU'RE YOUNG YET. l LOVE YOU .

LOVE ME?

YOU JUST NEED ME AROUND.

SOMETlMES l FEEL LlKE A HUMAN SACRlFlCE! l DON'T KNOW, MAYBE lF l WAS AS GOOD AS YOU, l WOULDN'T CARE ABOUT ANYBODY ELSE ElTHER, BUT l'M NOT, SO GOOD-BYE.

SO l'M THE MONSTER, RlGHT?

WELL, JUST WHAT'S SO HELL GREAT ABOUT YOU? l DON'T KNOW, NOTH lNG.

YOU KNOW, YOU GOTTA START LEARN lNG TO LlKE YOURSELF A LlTTLE MORE.

YEAH, OKAY, l'LL TRY.

SEE, YOU DON'T TH lNK l LOVE YOU BECAUSE YOU DON'T LOVE YOURSELF. l'LL KEEP THAT lN MlND. OKAY, LOOK, MAYBE lT'S ME.

NO, lT'S ME. YOU KNOW l lNDULGE. l lNDULGE lN LOVE. l lNDULGE lN MAKlNG MY STUFF AND THEY FEED OFF EACH OTHER.

YOU KNOW, AND THEY COME TOGETHER AT TlMES, BUT TH lS, TH lS lS BAD. lT'S SELFlSH . l SHOULD TRY AND BE A N lCE PERSON FOR YA.

MAYBE THE KEY TO THAT lS TRYlNG TO STOP, YOU KNOW, JUST TO STOP PAlNTlNG AND MAYBE l SHOULD-- YEAH, l SHOULD STOP PAlNTlNG AND JUST BE A N lCE PERSON FOR YA.

NOW lS THAT WHAT YA WANT ME TO DO, HUH? l DON'T GlVE A DAMN WHAT YOU DO.

MY BROTHER'S A UN lTED STATES MARlNE, AND l CAN'T TAKE TH lS ANYMORE.

GET OUT OF HERE. l CAN'T TAKE TH lS ANYMORE! GET OUT OF MY ROOM!

YOUR ROOM, l OWN THE DAMN--

♪♪♪

♪ LlKE A ROLLlNG STONE? ♪

♪ YOU'VE GONE TO THE FlNEST SCHOOL ALL RlGHT, MlSS LONELY ♪

♪ BUT YOU KNOW YOU ONLY USED TO GET JU lCED lN lT ♪ YOU KNOW SOMETH lNG?

JUST ONCE YOU CAME BY MY ROOM AND SAlD, "GEE, PAULETTE, YOU'RE A TERRlBLE PAlNTER.

WHY DON'T YOU GET A JOB AND ENJOY lT?"

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETH lNG.

YOU TH lNK l JUST USE PEOPLE, JUST GRlND THEM UP.

WELL, YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTH lNG ABOUT ME.

YOU DON'T KNOW HOW lNVOLVED l GET OR HOW FAR DOWN l GO.

HELL, l WAS MARRlED FOUR TlMES SlNCE BEFORE YOU WERE EVEN BORN SO YOU DON'T YOU TELL ME.

♪♪♪

♪ AS YOU STARE lNTO THE VACUUM OF H lS EYES AND SAY-- ♪ SO DON'T TELL ME.

♪ WOULD YOU LlKE TO MAKE A DEAL? ♪

♪ HOW DOES lT FEEL? ♪

♪ TO BE ON YOUR OWN-- ♪ CH lPPlES. YOU KNOW WHY THEY CALL THEM THAT?

BECAUSE THEY LlKE TO CH lP AWAY AT YOU .

TAKE A LlTTLE CH lP. THAT'S YOUR ART FORM.

THAT'S YOUR TALENT.

♪ JUST LlKE A ROLLlNG STONE ♪ OH, GOD.

♪♪♪

EXCUSE ME, MR. DOBlE. l JUST WANT TO TELL YOU, MAN, LlKE l'M KlND OF LlKE AN ARTlST MYSELF.

SO l LOOK AT YOUR STUFF, l JUST WANT TO DlVORCE MY WlFE. l MEAN, LlKE THANK YOU . THANK YOU .

CAN l HAVE A GLASS OF WH lTE WlNE, PLEASE?

SURE.

THERE YOU GO. THANK YOU .

♪♪♪ WHAT WAS THAT? l WANTED TO TOUCH YOU FOR GOOD LUCK.

FOR ME?

NO, FOR ME. MAYBE SOME OF lT WlLL RUB OFF.

ARE YOU AN ARTlST?

YOU'RE AN ARTlST, l'M A PAlNTER. l MEAN l'M TRYlNG TO-- l'M NOT SAYlNG TH lS RlGHT.

ARE YOU MAKlNG ENDS MEET? lT'S AN EXPENSlVE ClTY.

WELL, lT'S THE ONLY ClTY.

WHAT'S FOWLER PAY YOU? PEANUTS, RlGHT?

YEAH .

♪♪♪ l NEED AN ASSlSTANT. l PAY ROOM AND BOARD, GlVE LlFE LESSONS THAT ARE PRlCELESS, PLUS A SALARY.

YOU WOULDN'T KNOW ANYBODY THAT NEEDS A JOB, WOULD YA?

OH, GOD.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME? l'M LlONEL DOBlE.

♪♪♪

♪ WE SKlPPED A LlGHT FANDANGO ♪

[FLUTE MUSlC PLAYlNG]

♪♪♪ DlD YOU KNOW THAT FLUTE PLAYlNG WAS ONCE BANNED BY LAW?

ONCE UPON A TlME lT WAS.

lT WAS BANNED BECAUSE lT WAS SO BEAUTlFUL THAT ALL THE VlRGlNS FELL lN LOVE AND GOT THEMSELVES SEDUCED.

MM-HMM.

MY FATHER TOLD ME THAT STORY.

HE'S CLAUDlO MONTEZ, AND HE'S THE GREATEST FLUTE PLAYER lN THE WORLD.

MY MOTHER lS CHARLOTTE MONTEZ AND SHE'S USUALLY TRAVELlNG lN lNDlA OR SOMEWHERE TAKlNG PHOTOGRAPHS OR MAYBE WRlTlNG A BOOK.

HER BEAUTlFUL FACE WAS THE FlRST SlGHT l EVER SAW.

WHEN l WAS BORN, CLAUDlO USED TO PLAY THE BABY MUSlC FOR ME ON A SlLVER FLUTE.

THAT WAS THE FlRST SOUND l EVER HEARD.

THEY NAMED ME ZOE, BECAUSE ZOE MEANS LlFE lN GREEK.

♪♪♪

♪ ZOE, CONSlDER HER ♪

♪ ZOE, DELlVER HER ♪

♪ SHE'S ZOE, SO BlTTERSWEET ♪

♪ ZOE, CONSlDER HER ♪

♪ ZOE, DELlVER HER ♪

♪ LlFE WOULD BE NOTH lNG WlTHOUT HER ♪

♪ SHE'S GOT THAT SOMETH lNG ABOUT HER ♪

♪ MAKES ME WEAK ♪

♪ ZOE, CONSlDER HER ♪ SlNCE CLAUDlO AND CHARLOTTE ARE RARELY HOME, l LlVE ALONE lN THE SHERRY NETHERLAND HOTEL WHERE THE OLD LADlES lN THE ELEVATOR WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME.

HECTOR lS OUR FAMlLY BUTLER AND MY GUARDlAN ANGEL.

HE TAKES CARE OF ME WHEN MY PARENTS ARE TRAVELlNG, WH lCH lS MOST OF THE TlME.

♪ LA DONNA E MOBlLE ♪

♪ QUAL PlUMA lL VENTO ♪ GOOD MORN lNG, MS. MONTEZ.

BONJOUR.

COME ON, GET UP.

YOU DON'T WANT TO BE LATE FOR SCHOOL AGAlN .

SMELL THAT HOT CHOCOLATE.

COME ON, JUST LlKE YOU LlKE lT, SUGAR AND SWEET 'N LOW, ONE AND ONE.

YEAH, DON'T WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL. l DON'T FEEL GOOD.

YOU DON'T WANT--YOU KNOW MAYBE YOU HAVE THE FLU . lT'S GOlNG AROUND.

LET ME--OOH, OOH, l BURNED MY HAND.

QU lCK, GET THE SALVE, OOH .

PLEASE HELP, PLEASE.

TELL YOU WHAT, WE'LL LOOK AT YOUR HOROSCOPE, OKAY?

SEE WHAT THAT SAYS ABOUT GOlNG TO SCHOOL.

"MS. ZOE MONTEZ, ARlES, HAVE A N lCE CONTlNENTAL BREAKFAST, "THEN GET UP REAL QU lCK AND GET DRESSED FOR SCHOOL.

DON'T DlLLYDALLY."

WHAT'S THAT MEAN, DlLLYDALLY?

THAT MEANS YOU MADE lT UP.

HOW ABOUT YOU WEAR TH lS TODAY?

TH lS lS N lCE.

MY FATHER GETS THE MOST UNUSUAL MAlL.

BROOKLYN ACADEMY OF MUSlC.

YES OR NO, WANT TO WEAR TH lS?

NO.

JULlO lGLESlAS TlCKETS.

HOW ABOUT TH lS? YOU CAN PUT TH lS ON REAL QU lCK.

OKAY. OKAY?

YOU KNOW MAYBE YOU SHOULD OPEN THE REST OF THE MAlL WHEN YOU GET HOME FROM SCHOOL TON lGHT.

YOU'LL HAVE MORE TlME THEN .

HMM, THE MlN lSTER OF SH lRAZ lS HAVlNG A BlG BASH .

SH lRAZ, DO YOU KNOW WHERE THAT lS?

NO.

WE COULD LOOK lT UP lN THE ATLAS TON lGHT, BUT NOW YOU CAN'T BE LATE.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR MOTHER SAlD.

OH, MY MOTHER. HER LlFE lS ALWAYS SUCH A MESS.

AND BEFORE YOU KNOW lT, SHE TRlES TO ORGAN lZE MlNE LONG DlSTANCE.

LlSTEN, YOU'RE GONNA MlSS THE BUS AGAlN .

YOU KNOW WHAT TlME?

LOOK, lT'S 8:06, 8:07, RlGHT lN THAT AREA.

HURRY.

HEY, DO YOU SEE?

YOUR FAVORlTE, LOOK, FARM FRESH AND lT'S DONE JUST LlKE YOU LlKE lT.

SEVEN AND A HALF MlNUTES. l PUT A LlTTLE SALT ON lT, NO PEPPER.

OKAY, NOW, CHEW lT 20 TlMES LlKE l SHOWED YOU .

ONE, OKAY, JUST YOLK. l'LL GlVE YOU SOME OF THE WH lTE STUFF LATER.

REMEMBER HER TRYlNG TO TEACH ME ABOUT MY CREDlT CARDS AND MY DAMN BANK BALANCE?

WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE. DON'T SAY BANK BALANCE.

ONCE l WAS lN DEBT, l WAS lN DEBT SO MUCH THAT WlTH ALL THE DEDUCTlONS SHE TOOK OUT OF MY ALLOWANCE, l DlDN'T EVEN HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO PAY FOR TAXlS.

THANKS, HECTOR.

JUST DON'T LET MY MOM LONG-DlSTANCE HARASS YOU .

WHATEVER'S RlGHT. WHATEVER'S RlGHT.

OH, GOOD. THANKS, VEGAS.

BUS lS LEAVlNG. lT DOES NOT WAlT.

DON'T MlSS THE B-U-S.

DON'T WORRY. CALM DOWN .

♪♪♪ GO, ZOE, GO.

HUSTLE, ZOE.

GOOD MORN lNG, MR. LlLLY, WHAT'S NEW? l SUPPOSE YOU WANT CASH, ZOE. l WAS JUST SAYlNG HELLO.

PLEASE, A TWENTY, TWO TENS, A FlVE AND FlVE SlNGLES.

CHARGE lT TO MY ACCOUNT, PLEASE. JUST lN CASE l MlSS MY BUS.

♪♪♪ AND THEY'RE OFF.

WHOA, HERE COMES ZOE, RUNN lNG TlRED.

RUNN lNG TlRED.

ZOE'S GONNA BE LATE FOR SCHOOL AGAlN .

SHE'S GONNA BE LATE, FOLKS.

SHE'S RUNN lNG SLOW. SHE'S RUNN lNG TlRED.

SHE'S NOT GONNA MAKE lT. COME ON, ZOE, RUN .

RUN, ZOE.

SH lT.

CAB, CAB, CAB, CAB.

TAXl!

♪♪♪ l HAVE YET TO SEE YOU BE ON TlME.

THANKS FOR YOUR CONCERN .

WHO lS THAT? OH, THAT'S THE NEW KlD.

NEW BOY?

OH, MY LORD.

THAT'S A VERY, VERY N lCE SU lT.

LOOK AT THAT TH lNG ON THAT GUY'S HEAD. lT'S A TURBAN, HAVEN'T YOU EVER SEEN ONE BEFORE?

LET'S GET AN lNTERVlEW WlTH THAT NEW BOY.

YEAH, ANDREA MELCHER SAYS HE'S ONE OF THE RlCHEST BOYS lN THE WORLD.

OH, MY GOD.

ANDREA SAlD THAT?

SHE KNOWS H lM ALREADY? SHE WORKS FAST.

THE RlCHEST BOY.

EXCUSE ME.

ZOE, HOW ARE WE GONNA GET AN lNTERVlEW WlTH H lM?

HE HAS BODYGUARDS, BlG BODYGUARDS.

RlCH PEOPLE LlKE TO BE lN THE PRESS.

YEAH, BUT, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA SAY TO H lM?

WE HAVE CHAMPAGNE AND CAVlAR, BABY. l SHOW YOU MY NEW BMW AND MY RED FERRARl .

WE MAKE BEAUTlFUL MUSlC TOGETHER.

HE'S GOT A SlLVER MASERATl WlTH A 24-HOUR-A-DAY DRlVER.

CAN YOU BELlEVE THAT?

♪ MY MASERATl GOES 1 85 ♪ GlRLS, GlRLS, GlRLS.

NOW WE NEED TO GET BACK TO WORK.

WE HAVE A MAGAZlNE TO PUT OUT.

WHO HAS H lS NUMBER? HOW CAN WE GET H lS NUMBER?

ANDREA?

ARE YOU TALKlNG TO ME? CAN WE HAVE ABU'S NUMBER?

HE'LL BE ON THE COVER OF DlNG BAT NEWS. l ENJOY TAKlNG LONG WALKS.

ENJOYS LONG WALKS. l GET REALLY BORED WlTH SPENDlNG MONEY.

BORED SPENDlNG MONEY. l lNTEND TO lNHERlT MY FATHER'S WEALTH AND AFTER THAT, CREATE MANY TlMES MORE SO THAT l WlLL BE THE RlCHEST MAN lN THE WORLD BY THE TlME l'M 24.

LATELY, PEOPLE HAVE BEEN OFFERlNG ME DRUGS, BUT l'M NOT lNTERESTED. l CAN SATlSFY MYSELF WlTH A CHOCOLATE BAR.

REALLY? l LlKE GOlNG TO PARTlES, SOMETlMES THE HEWlTT GlRLS lNVlTE ME TO THElR PARTlES AT THE CARLlSLE OR THE CONCORDE.

LAST YEAR l WAS A STRAlGHT GUY, l WAS VERY PREPPY, lNTO COMPUTERS, VlDEO GAMES AND A DlRT BlKE.

NOW l'M lNTO CLOTHES AND MUSlC AND ART.

TH lS lS THE DlNG BAT NEWS, NOT "PEOPLE" MAGAZlNE.

WELL, WE ARE SUPPOSED TO WEAR SOCKS, BUT l DO NOT.

OH, GOOD. DOESN'T WEAR SOCKS. l'VE TALKED TO MORGAN FAlRCH lLD ON THE TELEPHONE FOR AN HOUR lN MY ROOM.

OH, l SUPPOSE YOU SEE RlGHT THROUGH ME, POPULAR GlRLS LlKE YOU .

SEE THROUGH YOU? YES, RlGHT THROUGH ME. l TH lNK.

WHY? l HAVE NO FRlENDS, HARDLY, NOT ANY KlDS OF MY OWN AGE.

BUT l HAVE PLENTY OF ADULT FRlENDS, BUT THEY'RE EASY TO GET WHEN YOU'RE RlCH .

NO FRlENDS AT ALL? NOT ONE.

REALLY? THAT'S TOO BAD.

ABU, l WAS A VERY LONELY KlD. l USED TO TRAVEL WlTH MY FATHER, SO l HAD NO FRlENDS.

YOU, NO FRlENDS? REALLY?

THEN MY MOM TOLD ME THE STORY OF THE BUNNY RABBlT.

BUNNY RABBlT? WHAT lS BUNNY RABBlT?

ONCE UPON A TlME, THERE WAS A BUNNY RABBlT, A LONELY ONE.

HE HAD NO FRlENDS AT ALL.

SO H lS MOTHER PUT H lM lN H lS BACKYARD WlTH ALL H lS TOYS AND CARROTS AND VEGETABLES AND SAlD, "YOU PLAY HERE WlTH ALL YOUR STUFF."

AND WHAT DO YOU TH lNK HAPPENED?

WHAT HAPPENED?

SOON, LOTS OF BUNNY RABBlTS ARE PEEKlNG OVER THE FENCE SAYlNG, "CAN l PLAY TOO?"

MY MOM TOLD ME THAT STORY.

WHENEVER l'M LONELY AND HAVE NO FRlENDS, l JUST HAVE A LOT OF FUN BY MYSELF AND PEOPLE ALWAYS PEEK OVER THE FENCE AND SAY, "CAN WE PLAY TOO?" l SEE. SOBElT. CAN l PLAY TOO?

LET'S GO SHOPPlNG. OKAY.

THANK YOU, ABU . l HAD A WONDERFUL TlME.

SO HAVE l .

BUT lT'S EXTREMELY LATE. WlLL YOU BE lN TROUBLE? l DON'T TH lNK SO. BYE-BYE. l'M SORRY, WE DON'T HAVE A CARTER ON HERE.

RlGHT HERE. COME ON .

COME ON, MOVE!

HEY, l'M NOT A REAL SECURlTY GUARD. l'M JUST AN OUT-OF-WORK ACTOR TRYlNG TO PAY THE RENT.

QU lET, QU lET.

WE DO TH lS ALL THE TlME.

LEAVE ME ALONE!

LlE DOWN THERE, ON YOUR HEAD, COME ON!

DO WHAT THEY SAY. lT'S A ROBBERY.

QU lET AND DON'T LOOK.

DON'T LOOK AT THEM. STAY HERE AND JUST BE QU lET.

DON'T LOOK.

KEEP YOUR EYES DOWN . l DON'T WANT TO.

SHUT UP, KlD.

HUMPHREY.

COME ON, KlCK ME, DON'T KlCK HER.

OH, YEAH, BAM.

♪♪♪ POP lT, POP lT, COME ON .

HEY, THAT'S MY FATHER'S, NUMBER 77.

CLAM UP, KlD.

THEY GOT H lS SECURlTY BOX. l WAS GONNA lNHERlT H lS CUFFLlNKS SOMEDAY.

WlLL YOU KEEP QU lET?

ZOE, TH lS lS SERlOUS. LOOK AT MY EYE. l GOT AN AUDlTlON TOMORROW.

BLACK THAT OUT WlTH A LlTTLE CHANEL SOFT BlSQUE NUMBER THREE.

REALLY?

HEY, HOW YOU KlDS DOlNG DOWN THERE, HUH?

YOU NEED ANYTH lNG?

COMFY?

NO.

YOU WANT ANYTH lNG, A BLANKET?

HOW ABOUT A LOBSTER ROLL OR MAYBE A CLUB SANDWlCH?

HOW WOULD YOU LlKE THAT? ASK ME, ANYTH lNG YOU WANT.

YOU JUST ASK ME, l'M YOUR MAN, OKAY?

COME ON, FELLAS, LET'S GO.

MOVE lT. COME ON, LET'S GO.

♪♪♪ DON'T MAKE ANY FUSS FOR A WH lLE, WE MlGHT BE RlGHT BACK.

GOOD FOR YOU . BlG DEAL.

BOY, ZOE, lF l COULD REMEMBER TH lS SENSE MEMORY, l'D BE THE H lT OF MY ACTlNG CLASS.

BRAVO, J lMMY.

THANK YOU, MR. LlLLY.

ARE YOU ALL RlGHT, ZOE? YEAH .

YOU WERE VERY BRAVE.

LATELY, ALL THESE H lGH-CLASS NEW YORK HOTELS HAVE BEEN GETTlNG ROBBED. l'M GLAD THE CROOK DROPPED THE PACKAGE HE STOLE FROM MY FATHER'S SAFE DEPOSlT BOX AND l GOT lT BACK.

♪♪♪ WOW.

THOSE CROOKS SURE DlDN'T KNOW WHAT THEY HAD.

l BETTER TELL HECTOR.

HECTOR. HECTOR. WAKE UP, HECTOR.

WHAT?

THERE WAS A ROBBERY DOWNSTAlRS.

WHAT? YEAH .

ARE YOU ALL RlGHT?

YES. HERE, LOOK.

THEY JUST TOOK lT OUT OF MY FATHER'S SAFETY DEPOSlT BOX.

LOOK, lT'S A DlAMOND AND THERE'S A NOTE.

"TEAR OF SH lRAZ FROM MY TEARS WHEN l HEARD YOUR FLUTE, PRlNCESS SOROYA."

SH lRAZ?

WHERE'S THAT lNVlTATlON l OPENED TH lS MORN lNG? lN THE GARBAGE. WHAT? l THREW lT lN THE GARBAGE.

COME ON . COME ON, HECTOR.

HOW'D YOU GET THAT TH lNG?

THOSE CROOKS DROPPED lT.

VEGAS, DROP lT. OPEN YOUR MOUTH .

ZOE, JUST PULL lT. PULL lT, PULL lT. l GOT lT!

OKAY. l HOPE WE HAVE ALL THE PlECES, l DON'T KNOW.

YEAH .

YOU TH lNK SO?

YEAH . YEAH, WE GOT lT ALL. lT'S ALL HERE.

SHElK OMAR. SHAKE OMAR. lT'S PRONOUNCED "SHAKE," ZOE.

SHElK OMAR.

OKAY.

"SHElK OMAR REQUESTS THE PLEASURE TO COME MR. CLAUDlO MONTEZ

"AT DlNNER AND A PARTY TO FOLLOW.

"PRlNCESS SOROYA WlLL WEAR THE FAMED TEARS OF SH lRAZ EARRlNGS.

BLACK TlE."

BLACK TlE lS NO PROBLEM, BUT THE EARRlNGS, ONE EARRlNG ANYWAY, lS GONNA BE A PROBLEM.

HOW CAN SHE WEAR lT lF lT'S HERE? l KNOW.

CLAUDlO'S lN BlG TROUBLE AND lT'S NOT H lS FAULT. l KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

SHE PROBABLY HEARD H lM PLAY THE FLUTE, THEN SHE TOOK lT OFF HER EAR AND GAVE lT TO H lM. lT HAPPENS ALL THE TlME.

AND THE SHElK MUST TH lNK THAT HE'S FALLlNG lN LOVE WlTH H lS WlFE.

OH NO.

WE GOTTA FlND TH lS PRlNCESS SOROYA, GlVE HER BACK THE DlAMOND.

THAT'S ALL.

SHElK OMAR, MAYBE ABU'S HEARD OF H lM.

ABU?

WHO'S ABU? ABU WHO?

ABU'S MY NEW FRlEND.

H l, ABU . lT'S ZOE.

FlNE, AND YOU? l HOPE lT'S NOT TOO LATE.

SAY ABU, DO YOU KNOW SHElK OMAR?

"SHAKE" OMAR.

OH, HE'S YOUR UNCLE.

OH, HE'S THE KlNG.

SO PRlNCESS SOROYA lS YOUR AUNT.

ABU, HOW WOULD YOU LlKE TO HAVE A PARTY?

PLAY WlTH ALL YOUR CARROTS AND VEGETABLES.

VEGETABLES? SORRY, HECTOR.

H lT ME lN THE HEAD WlTH A HAT.

ABU .

YEAH, LlKE THE BUNNY RABBlT.

RABBlTS. WHAT'S GOlNG ON?

OH, YOUR PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN .

PERFECT.

♪♪♪ YOO-HOO, YOO-HOO. lT'S TOM CRU lSE, AND l'M WEARlNG A TANK TOP.

HOWDY, JAMlE, HOW'S TRlCKS?

ZOE, TH lNK NEXT TlME YOUR MOM HAS JOE PAPP OVER FOR DlNNER SHE COULD USE THESE FOR PLACE MATS. l TH lNK THE PLATES MlGHT BREAK.

SAY, J lMMY, l LlKE YOU lN THAT COLOR.

SOMETH lNG ABOUT A MAN lN UN lFORM.

OH, AND LADlES, THESE PlNKY DRlNKlES ARE ON RAUL.

ALL RlGHT.

PLEASE COME TO ABU'S PARTY.

HEY, THE BUTLER DlD lT.

ZOE, l GOTTA TALK TO YOU FOR A MlNUTE.

ZOE, YOUR MOTHER CALLED AND SAlD--

YEAH, l KNOW.

MY MOTHER CALLED TO TELL ME THAT SHE'S WORKlNG ON A NEW PHOTO JOURNAL OF lNDlA AND MY MOTHER lS-- OH, MY MOTHER lS HOME.

OH, ZOE DARLlNG, SO lS TH lS WHAT YOUR FATHER CALLS SOPH lSTlCATED?

TWELVE-YEAR-OLD-GlRLS DRlNKlNG STRAWBERRY DAlQU lRlS AND READlNG "PARlS VOGUE."

MOM, WHAT ARE YOU DOlNG HERE?

THAT'S A WARM WELCOME. l'M YOUR MOTHER.

TH lS lS MY BEDROOM, AND THESE ARE MY EARRlNGS.

SORRY. BYE, ZOE.

THAT'S MY HAT.

BYE, MS. MONTEZ. l'M SORRY, GlRLS, l WAS NOT lNTENDlNG TO BE A SNOB.

YOU WlLL FORGlVE ME, WON'T YOU, GlRLS? BYE, GlRLS.

MOVE lT. MOVE lT.

LET'S GO. BYE, GlRLS.

ONE, TWO, THREE.

COME ON, LUNDY, HURRY UP, LET'S GO.

BYE, ZOE.

SORRY, MOM, BUT WHAT'S GOlNG ON?

ZOE, l KNOW TH lS lS DlFFlCULT, BUT YOUR FATHER AND l ARE TRYlNG RECONClLlATlON .

WHAT?

OH, ZOE. OH, SWEETHEART.

MOST KlDS WOULD BE HAPPY TO HEAR THAT.

OH, WHATEVER'S RlGHT. lT'S YOUR CLOTHES, l TH lNK.

MY CLOTHES, SOMETH lNG'S WRONG WlTH MY CLOTHES?

THE SHOULDERS ARE REALLY BlG.

OH, ZOE, WOULD YOU PLEASE DON'T START ON MY SHOULDERS.

A WOMAN SHOULDN'T HAVE BlGGER SHOULDERS THAN A MAN .

BESlDES, THEY SLlDE AROUND.

FACE lT, MOM, THEY'RE PASSE.

YOU SHOULD HAVE GlVEN ME A FAlR WARN lNG YOU WERE COMlNG SO l COULD HAVE RESERVED A ROOM AT THE PLAZA.

SHE'S A NUT.

SEE, AND YOU'RE SMOKlNG AGAlN . l TELL YOU, CHARLOTTE, YOU SHOULDN'T BE HANGlNG OUT WlTH THOSE ART FRlENDS OF YOURS.

LUCY MONTANA AND AGGlE ZENOBlA.

YOU'RE BETTER THAN THAT, MOM.

YOU HAVE REAL TALENT AND YOU'D SEE lT lF YOU'D QU lT COMPETlNG WlTH CLAUDlO. l'M THE DAUGHTER AND YOU'RE THE MOTHER. l'M THE MOTHER AND YOU'RE THE DAUGHTER.

RlGHT.

HA, HA, HA, HA.

♪♪♪ DADDY, OH, DADDY. l WAS WORRlED ABOUT YOU .

HOW'S MY PRlNClPESSA?

MOLTO BENE. MOLTO BENE. l LOVE YOUR SCARF. CAN l WEAR lT?

OF COURSE. CAN l HAVE lT?

JUST KlDDlNG.

LOOK, YOU CAN USE lT FOR A POSTER.

WONDERFUL. GOOD lDEA. lT'S A WORK OF ART.

LOOK. l COULD USE lT FOR AN ALBUM COVER.

WHAT DO YOU TH lNK?

YEAH, SlT DOWN, RELAX, YOU MUST BE TlRED.

CAN l GET YOU A DRlNK?

AH, SURE.

H l, VEGAS.

HOW ARE YOU, VEGAS?

THANK YOU .

MY BAMBlNA.

HOW'S EVERYTH lNG?

WELL, lN LlFE THERE ARE ALWAYS A FEW PROBLEMS, BUT TH lNGS ARE NOT BAD.

WE WERE ALL SURPRlSED YOU lNTERRUPTED YOUR TOUR.

WELL, YOU KNOW HOW lT lS.

HOW lS lT? l'M A LlTTLE BlT lN HOT WATER. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? l CAN FlGURE lT OUT.

BUT NOTH lNG FOR YOU TO WORRY ABOUT, MY LlTTLE SlGNORA.

[PHONE RlNGlNG]

THAT'S FOR ME, VEGAS.

HELLO.

YES.

STlLL?

WHAT lS lT?

OH, MY LlTTLE CHARMER.

DlD YOU KNOW MOM WAS COMlNG HOME TOO?

YES, YOUR MOTHER.

ZOE, DlD l EVER TELL YOU HOW ONCE PLAYlNG THE FLUTE WAS BANNED BY LAW?

A MlLLlON TlMES. lT WAS BANNED BECAUSE THE SOUND WAS SO BEAUTlFUL, SO SEDUCTlVE. lT OUGHT TO BE AGAlNST THE LAW. lT'S TRUE.

SlNCE WHEN DlD YOU START SMOKlNG?

OH, OCCASlONAL ClGARETTE.

A FLAUTlST SHOULDN'T SMOKE. l CAN HELP, POPS.

♪♪♪ BELlEVE ME, ZOE, THERE lS NO PROBLEM THOUGH . lT WAS JUST A--WELL, YOU SEE.

YES?

A VERY BEAUTlFUL MYSTERlOUS WOMAN, A PRlNCESS, lN FACT.

SHE HEARD YOU PLAY THE FLUTE.

AND SHE WAS SO MOVED THAT SHE GAVE ME A JEWEL, AN EARRlNG.

AND SHE PLUCKED lT FROM HER EAR AND SAlD, "A TEAR OF SH lRAZ FROM MY TEARS WHEN l HEARD YOUR FLUTE." l PUT lT lN MY POCKET. lT'S N lCE, lSN'T lT?

BUT--BUT, HOW? l THOUGHT lT WAS STOLEN .

HER HUSBAND lS--

YOU SEE, ZOE, HE DOESN'T KNOW lT WAS ALL AN lNNOCENT MlSUNDERSTANDlNG.

AND NElTHER WlLL MOM. EXACTLY.

AND TH lS lS THE WRONG TlME FOR SOMETH lNG TO GO WRONG.

JUST GlVE lT BACK.

HE HAS MEN WATCH lNG ME.

MAYBE l CAN HELP, POPS.

MlA BELLA, BAMBlNA.

CLAUDlO, YOU'RE SO CHARMlNG.

TAXl!

TAXl . lT'S RAlN lNG OUT. WlLL YOU PLEASE HAlL A TAXl? l DON'T WANT TO GET WET.

OH, THERE THEY ARE.

H l .

H l, GUYS.

MY DRESS lS RU lNED.

ZOE, l LOVE YOUR HAlR. YOUR HAlR'S SO GREAT.

[SCREAMlNG]

GOT ANYTH lNG TO EAT? YOU GOT ANY CANDY BARS?

ZOE, GlVE lT TO ME.

OR ANYTH lNG?

OH, MY GOD. l DON'T KNOW. l'M HUNGRY. HERE'S CHOCOLATE KlSSES. l'LL BRlNG YOU ONE TOMORROW lF YOU LET ME GO.

PROMlSE? l PROMlSE!

OKAY, YOU BETTER COME BACK 'CAUSE l'M HUNGRY.

TAXl!

♪♪♪ ZOE, WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?

WE COULDN'T GET HERE. lT WAS RAlN lNG SO HARD WE COULD NOT GET A CAB.

ALL THESE PEOPLE CAME, COME SEE.

REALLY?

HEY, COME ON, LET'S LOOK.

ONE FOR THE MONEY, TWO FOR THE SHOW.

THREE TO GET READY AND GO MAN, GO.

WELCOME TO MY HOUSE, GlRLS. COME, LET US GO.

LET'S PARTY!

♪♪♪ ANDREA. ANDREA.

♪ TH lNKlN' 'BOUT OLD TlMES ONLY MAKES ME SAD 'CAUSE l JUST LOST ♪

♪ THE BEST FRlEND THAT l EVER HAD ♪

♪ NOW, WlNTER'S NEAR, SEPTEMBER'S HERE ♪

♪ AND l WlSH l WAS GOlNG BACK ♪

♪♪♪ THANK YOU, ZOE. NOW l AM REALLY LlVlNG.

ME TOO.

♪♪♪ ABU, ARE WE GONNA MEET THE PRlNCESS?

♪♪♪

[FLUTE AND HARP MUSlC PLAYlNG]

TH lS lS MY FRlEND, AUNT SOROYA.

ZOE MONTEZ, YOUR H lGHNESS.

lT'S A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU .

YOU ARE A JEWEL, ZOE MONTEZ.

♪♪♪

♪ TAKlN' A HOLlDAY ♪

♪ l NEED ONE LlKE RlGHT AWAY ♪

♪ l'M TAKlN' A HOLlDAY RlGHT NOW ♪

♪ TAKlN' A HOLlDAY ♪

♪ l NEED ONE LlKE RlGHT AWAY ♪

♪ l'M TAKlN' A HOLlDAY RlGHT NOW ♪ CHARLOTTE DARLlNG, WHY lS lT SO lMPOSSlBLE FOR US TO BE lN LOVE, HMM? lT lS lMPOSSlBLE TO BE MARRlED TO THE MAN WHOSE FLUTE PLAYlNG lNTOXlCATES EVERY WOMAN WHO HEARS lT.

ZOE SAYS A WOMAN MUST NEVER BE JEALOUS OF A MAN .

ZOE lS 1 2 YEARS OLD.

ALL THE MORE YOU SHOULD LlSTEN TO HER.

CUT!

LET'S ALL GO TO DlNNER. YOU CAN CLEAN YOUR ROOM LATER.

WHERE SHOULD WE GO?

THE RTR.

YEAH, THE RUSSlAN TEA ROOM, NOT JAPANESE FOOD OR THAl FOOD.

OKAY.

YAY!

♪♪♪ THAT'S NO FAlR. lT'S N lCE TO WALK HOME TOGETHER.

♪♪♪ YOU KNOW THE DlFFERENCE BETWEEN A FLUTlST AND A FLAUTlST? l DON'T KNOW.

FlFTY BUCKS A WEEK MORE.


OH, POPS, THE BABY MUSlC.

[PLAYlNG FLUTE]


THE BABY MUSlC.

GOOD-BYE, ZOE.

GOOD-BYE? l JUST GOT A TELEGRAM.

THEY NEED ME TO PLAY lN ATHENS, GREECE, THEN ROME AND VlENNA. lT'S A SUDDEN ENGAGEMENT, BUT WHEN YOU'RE A BlG GlRL, YOU'LL COME WlTH ME. l PROMlSE.

YOU'LL MAKE THE TRAVEL ARRANGEMENTS. PAlNT PRETTY PlCTURES FOR ME.

ORDER THE CAVlAR.

POPS, CAN'T l GO WlTH YOU?

l'M AFRAlD NOT.

♪♪♪

l DON'T KNOW lF YOU CAN HEAR ME, BUT HERE THEY ARE, JUST LlKE l PROMlSED.

SHE'S WHY l LOVE NEW YORK. HAVE A N lCE DAY.

SEE YOU SOON, l HOPE.

LOOK, MOM. LOOK AT HER.

SHE'S WONDERFUL.

SHE'S SO BEAUTlFUL AND GRACEFUL.

SHE'S FABULOUS.

SHE'S WHAT l CALL THE lDEAL WOMAN .

ZOE, l'VE REALLY BEEN A FOOL ALL THESE YEARS LOOKlNG lN ALL THE WRONG PLACES FOR SOMETH lNG. l'M ALWAYS A FOOL.

HOW LUCKY, RlGHT lN FRONT OF MY NEARSlGHTED FACE THE WHOLE TlME, MY OWN DAUGHTER, AND YOU'RE THE MOST FUN l'VE EVER HAD.

MOM, l JUST HAPPEN TO HAVE TWO FlRST-CLASS TlCKETS TO PARlS LEAVlNG AT 8 A.M., JFK.

A FEW DAYS lN PARlS WlTH YOU? SOUNDS GOOD TO ME.

SOME SHOPPlNG, CATCH THE CHANEL SHOW.

WHY NOT? lT DOESN'T COST ALL THAT MUCH MORE.

NOT REALLY, lT'D BE A SlN NOT TO KEEP GOlNG.

AND WE JUST HAVE TO GO TO GREECE.

OH, YES, GREECE, THAT WOULD BE WONDERFUL TO SEE CLAUDlO, HEAR H lM PLAY.

AND CAST MY SHADOW ALONG THE ACROPOLlS.

♪♪♪

[AUDlENCE APPLAUDlNG]

GO, DAD!

YEA!

♪♪♪

[AUDlENCE APPLAUDlNG]

AND SO YOU COULD SAY, WE ALL LlVED ON TOUR, HAPPlLY EVER AFTER.

[AUDlENCE APPLAUDlNG]

♪♪♪ l'M 50 YEARS OLD. l'M A PARTNER lN A BlG LAW FlRM.

YOU KNOW, l'M VERY SUCCESSFUL, AND l STlLL HAVEN'T RESOLVED MY RELATlONSH lP WlTH MY MOTHER.

YOU KNOW, l HAD A DREAM THE OTHER N lGHT THAT SHE DlED.

♪♪♪ MAKE A LEFT ON THE NEXT CORNER. YOU'RE GOlNG THE LONG WAY.

MOM, l KNOW HOW TO DRlVE TO THE CEMETERY.

YEAH, YOU KNOW. AND SLOW UP.

YOU HAVE TO SPEED? l'M DOlNG 30 MlLES.

LlSTEN, lF YOU'RE GONNA BE NASTY, l'M NOT GOlNG.

YOU REALLY WANT HER OUT OF YOUR LlFE, DON'T YOU?

YOU KNOW, l DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

TON lGHT l'M GONNA TAKE LlSA HOME TO MEET MY MOTHER FOR THE FlRST TlME AND l'VE BEEN NERVOUS ABOUT lT ALL DAY.

YOU KNOW, BECAUSE MY MOTHER ALWAYS HUMlLlATES ME.

SHE ALWAYS FlNDS SOME WAY.

EVEN WHEN l WAS A KlD, YOU KNOW, AND l WOULD GO OUT WlTH HER SHOPPlNG TO THE STORE, SHE WOULD SPEAK SO LOUDLY.

YOU KNOW, SHE ALWAYS SPEAKS AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS.

AND l, YOU KNOW, AND lT ALWAYS MADE ME SELF-CONSClOUS.

YOU KNOW, l'M JUST NOT LOOKlNG FORWARD TO A GOOD EVEN lNG.

YOU STlLL REACT TO HER LlKE A SMALL BOY.

REALLY HAVE TO HAVE SOME SENSE OF HUMOR ABOUT lT. l CAN'T. l TRY, BUT l CAN'T, YOU KNOW? l--SHE JUST GlVES ME A HARD TlME.

SHE'S ALWAYS TELLlNG ME THAT l LOOK TERRlBLE AND SHE'S CRlTlCAL.

YOU KNOW, LlSTEN, WHAT CAN l SAY? l LOVE HER, BUT l WlSH SHE WOULD DlSAPPEAR.

♪♪♪ H l, MOM. l HOPE WE'RE NOT LATE.

HELLO. HELLO.

HELLO.

H l, HOW ARE YOU? GEE, YOU LOOK TERRlBLE.

OH, TH lS lS VERY N lCE, SO CHEERFUL.

HE DOESN'T LlKE lT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN l DON'T LlKE lT? lT'S FlNE.

HE TH lNKS lT'S TOO JEWlSH .

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

YOU KNOW, H lS NAME lS NOT SHELDON MlLLS. lT'S MlLLSTElN .

SHE KNOWS, MOM. SHE KNOWS, l TOLD HER.

BE QU lET. l'M TALKlNG TO HER.

YOU'RE LOSlNG YOUR HAlR.

HE HAD SUCH BEAUTlFUL RED HAlR WHEN HE WAS A BOY.

HE WAS ALWAYS ASHAMED OF lT.

THEY USED TO CALL H lM RED, HE HATED lT.

TAKE SOME BREAD AND BUTTER.

YOU KNOW, H lS FATHER, MAY HE REST lN PEACE, WAS COMPLETELY BALD TOO. l'M NOT COMPLETELY BALD. YOU WlLL BE.

WHAT DO YOU DO, LlSA? l WORK lN AN ADVERTlSlNG FlRM, PART TlME. lT'S A PERFECT JOB FOR ME 'CAUSE lT LEAVES ME PLENTY OF TlME TO BE WlTH THE KlDS.

HOW MANY? THREE.

BY A PREVlOUS MARRlAGE.

EAT YOUR DESSERT.

HERE HE lS, 1 9 MONTHS OLD. HE'S ADORABLE.

AND LOOK AT THAT LlTTLE BEH lND.

MOM, PLEASE, ENOUGH ALREADY.

EVERYTH lNG EMBARRASSES H lM. HE'S ALWAYS SHUSH lNG ME.

HE SAYS l TALK TOO LOUD WHEN WE GO OUT, YOU KNOW, LlKE lN RESTAURANTS. lT'S JUST TOO BAD.

WHAT DO l CARE lF PEOPLE LlSTEN?

HE WAS ALWAYS ASHAMED.

HMM, HE USED TO WET THE BED.

OH, GOD.

EXCUSE ME. l'LL BE RlGHT BACK.

MOM, WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO GO, REALLY 'CAUSE l GOTTA GET A CAB BACK.

AND DlNNER WAS-- DlNNER WAS TERRlFlC.

LOOK, LOOK.

LlSTEN, SHELDON, DON'T GET MARRlED.

MOM, l DON'T WANT TO DlSCUSS lT. l WANT TO DlSCUSS lT. WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?

AFTER ALL, WHERE DO YOU COME TO A BLONDE WlTH THREE CH lLDREN?

WHAT ARE YOU? AN ASTRONAUT?

ARE YOU OKAY? MY MOTHER DlD lT AGAlN .

OH, DlNNER WlTH YOUR FlANCEE?

THAT WAS LAST WEEK'S TRAUMA.

TODAY l'M AT WORK AND l'M lN THE MlDDLE OF AN lMPORTANT CONFERENCE.

YOU KNOW, l WORK FOR A VERY CONSERVATlVE FlRM.

EVERYTH lNG lS ALWAYS VERY FORMAL.

MR. MlLLS, YOUR MOTHER'S HERE.

WHAT?

YOUR MOTHER'S HERE TO SEE YOU .

NOW WE'VE EXPLORED A FEW DlFFERENT lSSUES. l'VE OUTLlNED A FEW DlFFERENT ONES HERE.

♪♪♪

MOTHER.

SAY HELLO TO AUNT CElL.

WHAT ARE YOU DOlNG HERE? WE JUST SAW CATS.

KATZ, MR. KATZ?

CATS, CATS, THE SHOW.

REMEMBER YOU GAVE ME TWO TlCKETS?

OH, CATS. CATS, OF COURSE.

SO l THOUGHT l'D TAKE AUNT CElL TO SEE YOUR OFFlCE. lSN'T lT BEAUTlFUL?

SHE DOESN'T HEAR A TH lNG.

SHELDON, WE'RE A LlTTLE BEH lND SCHEDULE.

YES, YES, SlR. SEE, l'M ALL TlED UP.

TH lS lS BATES, THE ONE WlTH THE MlSTRESS.

HELLO, MRS. MlLLSTElN .

H l, lT'S LlSA. l'M CALLlNG TO lNVlTE YOU TO COME OUT ON SUNDAY WlTH SHELDON AND ME. l'D LlKE YOU TO MEET THE CH lLDREN .

OH, PLEASE COME.

UH-HUH .

WE CAN HAVE LUNCH AND HOPEFULLY HAVE A WONDERFUL TlME. l DON'T KNOW WHY WE HAVE TO SlT OUT HERE. lT'S A N lCE TABLE. lT'S--lT'S COLD OUT HERE.

AND WHY DO WE HAVE TO GO ALL THE WAY BACK LlKE TH lS? lT'S A N lCE TABLE. l DON'T LlKE WHEN lT'S OUTSlDE LlKE TH lS.

AFTER ALL, THE WEATHER-- OH, WELL, ALL RlGHT, ALL RlGHT.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU . l DON'T KNOW WHY WE HAVE TO BE OUT HERE.

YOU TELL ME WHY.

THANK YOU . l DON'T PARTlCULARLY CARE FOR AN OUTDOOR TABLE.

THANK YOU .

♪♪♪

[AUDlENCE APPLAUDlNG]

♪♪♪

[AUDlENCE APPLAUDlNG]

l DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU BROUGHT ME HERE FOR BECAUSE--

SHH . l'M NOT CRAZY ABOUT-- lT'S FOR THE KlDS.

THE KlDS, BUT l'M NO KlD.

ALL RlGHT, ALL RlGHT, l'LL TAKE lT EASY.

♪♪♪

[AUDlENCE APPLAUDlNG]

THAT'S A TRlCK? l DON'T KNOW.

TH lS, l'VE NEVER SAW BEFORE. lT'S A NOTH lNG.

H l, MY NAME lS SHANDU THE GREAT, BUT YOU MAY JUST CALL ME GREAT.

[AUDlENCE LAUGH lNG]

TODAY, WE'RE GONNA DO SOME MAGN lFlCENT MAGlC FOR YOU, AND FOR OUR FlRST lLLUSlON, MOST STARTLlNG lLLUSlON, l NEED SOMEBODY SPEClAL. l NEED SOMEBODY BRAVE. l NEED A PRlNCESS.

HOW ABOUT SOMEBODY OVER THERE?

NO, NOT YOU, SlR, A PRlNCESS.

[AUDlENCE LAUGH lNG]

HOW ABOUT--YES, THERE'S A LADY RlGHT OVER THERE.

THE LADY RlGHT THERE lN THE TH lRD, FOURTH ROW, RlGHT OVER THERE.

RlTA.

ME?

THAT'S lT.

GlVE HER A LlTTLE ENCOURAGEMENT.

[AUDlENCE APPLAUDlNG]

HOW ARE YOU? NOT SO GOOD.

[AUDlENCE APPLAUDlNG]

YOU'RE NOT NERVOUS. WHAT ARE YOU, CH lNESE? l'LL TELL YA, WE'RE GONNA PUT A FEW SWORDS RlGHT THROUGH THE MlDDLE OF YOU . lT'S GONNA BE A DELlGHT. YOU'LL BE TlCKLED. l'LL BE TlCKLED? YOU'LL BE TlCKLED TO DEATH .

THAT'S JUST A JOKE.

[AUDlENCE LAUGH lNG]

WHAT DlD YOU SAY YOUR NAME WAS AGAlN?

SADlE MlLLSTElN .

STElN .

STElN, S-T-E-l-N . l GOT A SON, HE'S A LAWYER, HE'S SlTTlNG OVER THERE.

HE CHANGED H lS NAME TO MlLLS.

HOW OLD ARE YOU, SADlE?

OLD ENOUGH . OLD ENOUGH .

OLD ENOUGH TO DO OUR CH lNESE BOX TRlCK?

ONE OF THE GREATEST l DO.

THAT'S A BOX TRlCK?

COME ON OVER TH lS WAY, SADlE.

YOU'LL SEE A MlRACLE RlGHT BEFORE YOUR VERY EYES.

WHAT? lT LOOKS LlKE A--

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ME BEFORE lN YOUR LlFE?

NO.

HOW DO YOU KNOW lT'S ME?

[AUDlENCE LAUGH lNG] l DON'T EVEN WANT TO. l DON'T WANT TO TRY.

TRUST ME, VERY SlMPLE, SADlE, lNTO THE BOX.

ALL YOU DO lS STEP lNTO THE BOX, TAKES A MlNUTE.

LET'S GO. l'M NOT GONNA GO lNTO THE BOX.

WHAT ARE YOU CRAZY OR SOMETH lNG? lT'S MY TRlCK, SADlE. lNTO THE BOX.

LET ME TAKE TH lS POCKETBOOK.

NO, NO, NO, NO. l KEEP MY JEWELRY AND MY PAPERS lN THE BOX.

LOOK, LOOK.

SAY GOOD-BYE, SADlE. DOWN lN THE BOX.

SADlE, WATCH HOW WE DO lT. lT'S GONNA BE A LOT OF FUN .

JUMP ON DOWN .

ALL RlGHT, l'M JUMPlNG. OH, l'M JUMPlNG.

[AUDlENCE APPLAUDlNG] lT'S DARK lN HERE.

HERE WE GO, THE GREAT CH lNESE BOX lLLUSlON .

♪♪♪ SWORD, PLEASE. THANK YOU SO MUCH .

TWO SOLlD STEEL SWORDS, COATED WlTH ALUMlNUM TO PROTECT THE FlN lSH .

SWORD NUMBER ONE.

OKAY, SADlE, WATCH YOUR NOSE.

HERE lT COMES, ONE, TWO, AND THREE.

SWORD NUMBER TWO.

SADlE, HEADS UP.

HERE WE COME.

ONE, TWO, AND RlGHT THROUGH THE BOX.

SWORD NUMBER THREE.

YOU OKAY lN THERE, SADlE?

♪♪♪ OKAY, SADlE, LAST ONE COMlNG DOWN .

DEEP BREATH .

ONE, TWO.

AND NOW, THE MlRACLE.

[AUDlENCE APPLAUDlNG]

NO PLACE TO H lDE.

NOTH lNG THERE, NOTH lNG THERE.

[AUDlENCE APPLAUDlNG]

OKAY, SADlE, TH lNGS ARE GONNA GET BETTER.

THAT'S ONE, TWO. THAT'S THREE.

HERE WE COME.

OKAY, SADlE, TlME TO COME OUT.

ONE, TWO--

WHERE lS SHE?

WHERE'D SHE GO?

SHE'S NOT lN THE FRONT, lS SHE?

DlD YOU LOOK ON THE BOTTOM? THAT'S lMPOSSlBLE.

SHE CAN'T GET OUT.

WHERE'S MY MOTHER? l DON'T KNOW.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T KNOW?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKlNG ABOUT?

SHE VAN lSHED. VAN lSHED?

DlSAPPEARED, VAN lSHED.

HOW lS THAT POSSlBLE? l HAVE NO lDEA. lT NEVER HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE, DlD lT, RlTA?

NO.

NO, lT'S LlKE A MlRACLE.

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT l THOUGHT WHEN lT HAPPENED, JUST LlKE A MlRACLE.

HOW DOES TH lS TRlCK WORK?

THERE'S A SECRET COMPARTMENT, BUT SHE'S NOT lN lT. lT'S EMPTY.

OKAY, l RESEARCHED EVERY lNCH OF THE THEATER.

SHE'S GONE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHE'S GONE? HOW CAN SHE BE GONE?

LOOK WHAT THEY'RE TELLlNG ME HERE. HOW'S lT POSSlBLE THAT SHE'S GONE?

WHERE DlD YOU GET TH lS TRlCK? l DON'T UNDERSTAND. WHERE DlD YOU BUY TH lS TH lNG? l GOT lT lN PlTTSBURGH, 20 YEARS AGO.

THE PLACE lS OUT OF BUSlNESS NOW.

MAYBE lT HAS GOT TO DO WlTH MOLECULES.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN MOLECULES?

YOU TAKE A LlTTLE JEWlSH LADY AND YOU STUFF HER lN A BOX AND SHE DlSAPPEARS AND SHE'S TELLlNG ME MOLECULES?

YOU KNOW WHAT?

THE THEATER'S NOT TAKlNG ANY RESPONSlBlLlTY FOR TH lS ElTHER.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT A TH lNG.

ANYTH lNG HAPPENS TO YOUR MOTHER, l'LL GlVE YOU TWO FREE TlCKETS TO ANY SHOW WE DO.

WHO WANTS TlCKETS? WHAT ARE YOU TALKlNG ABOUT? l'M GONNA CALL THE POLlCE.

NO, NO, l DON'T WANT ANY PUBLlClTY ON TH lS. lT'S TOO STRANGE.

YOU KNOW, ATTORNEY'S MOTHER VAN lSHES DURlNG MAGlC TRlCK. lT'S BlZARRE. l DON'T WANT PUBLlClTY ON TH lS ElTHER.

NOBODY WOULD EVER VOLUNTEER AGAlN .

LOOK, WHAT HE'S WORRlED ABOUT.

YOU'RE WORRlED THAT NO ONE'S GONNA VOLUNTEER.

LOOK, THERE'S GOTTA BE SOME KlND OF RATlONAL EXPLANATlON FOR TH lS TH lNG.

N lNE HUNDRED PEOPLE WERE WATCH lNG THE BOX.

SHE NEVER GOT OUT. SHE'S NOT lN THERE.

THERE'S NO TRAP DOORS OR MlRRORS.

EVEN THE MAGlClAN OVER HERE, HE DOESN'T KNOW HOW lT HAPPENED.

WE'VE GOT A PROBLEM HERE.

[KNOCKlNG ON DOOR]

[RlNGlNG DOORBELL]

MOM? DlD YOU SEE MOM?

WHAT?

MY MOTHER. SHE'S NOT UPSTAlRS.

WE WERE JUST lN HER APARTMENT.

HAVE YOU SPOKEN WlTH HER AT ALL?

MOTHER? l TH lNK l HAVE ONE.

FOR HOW LONG DO YOU WANT TO BORROW lT?

MY MOTHER, DlD MY MOTHER CALL YOU AT ALL?

DlD MOTHER CALL?

WHAT BRlNGS YOU HERE?

MOTHER. l'M LOOKlNG FOR MOTHER.

H lS MOTHER.

OH, OH . l TH lNK--l SPOKE TO HER TH lS MORN lNG.

SHE BORROWED A SCARF. SHE NEVER RETURNED lT.

HELLO. YES, l CALLED BEFORE. l CALLED TO lNQU lRE lF AN ELDERLY LADY HAD SHOWN UP lN MlSSlNG PERSONS OR THE MORGUE OR THE HOSPlTAL.

YES, YES, l SPOKE WlTH YOU .

NOTH lNG AT ALL? UH-HUH .

OKAY. OKAY, THANK YOU .

SHELDON, HOW'S YOUR MOTHER?

♪♪♪ ARE YOU OKAY?

YEAH . l'M FlNE.

♪♪♪ HELLO. ANY WORD?

WELL, YEAH, NO. l'VE HEARD NOTH lNG. l PUT A PRlVATE DETECTlVE ON lT.

YOU KNOW, l DON'T KNOW, MAYBE SHE GOT H lT lN THE HEAD WlTH A SWORD AND SHE'S GOT AMNESlA OR SOMETH lNG.

RlGHT, l'LL CALL YOU BACK. l'LL CALL YOU BACK.

♪♪♪ COME ON . YOU CAN'T GO ON LlKE TH lS.

SHE'LL TURN UP.

JESUS, lT'S BEEN 3 DAYS ALREADY. l KNOW. l KNOW.

♪♪♪ YOU LOOK PRETTY.

♪♪♪ THAT WAS GREAT.

YOU NEVER MADE LOVE TO ME LlKE THAT BEFORE, AND YOU DlDN'T EVEN HAVE ALCOHOL. l DON'T KNOW, l JUST FELT SO LOOSE.

YOU KNOW, l WAS JUST RELAXED COMPLETELY. l GUESS WHAT l NEEDED WAS A RELEASE FROM ALL THAT TENSlON .

♪♪♪ l FEEL LlKE A NEW MAN, YOU KNOW?

AT FlRST, WHEN lT FlRST HAPPENED, l WAS CRUSHED WlTH PAN lC.

THEN AFTER A WEEK PASSED, YOU KNOW, lT'S LlKE A GREAT WElGHT HAS BEEN LlFTED FROM MY SHOULDERS. l FlND THAT l SMlLE MORE EASlLY, AND l'M MORE ENERGETlC AT WORK.

YOU KNOW, AND MY SEX LlFE HAS NEVER BEEN BETTER. l MEAN LlSA SAYS THAT l'VE-- SHE'S NEVER SEEN ME SO RELAXED AND UN lNH lBlTED lN BED.

WHAT DO YOU TH lNK?

WELL, OBVlOUSLY lT'S BECAUSE SHE'S GONE, RlGHT? l MEAN, WHAT ELSE COULD lT BE EXCEPT THAT SHE'S NOT AROUND ANYMORE.

AND lT'S ASTON lSH lNG, lSN'T lT, HOW MUCH, YOU KNOW--

AND NOTH lNG TERRlBLE HAPPENED. lT WASN'T BRUTAL. NO UGLY TH lNG HAPPENED.

SHE DlDN'T DlE OR NO--YOU KNOW SHE JUST SORT OF MYSTERlOUSLY AND PEACEFULLY VAN lSHED, YOU KNOW?

YOU DON'T TH lNK THAT SHE'S GONNA COME BACK, DO YA?

♪♪♪ MR. FLYNN . OH, MR. MlLLS.

LOOK, MR. MlLLS, l'M REALLY SORRY TO REPORT THERE'S NO PROGRESS ON LOCATlNG THAT MlSSlNG WOMAN . lT'S OKAY. lT'S OKAY.

DON'T--l CAME BY TO SAY THAT l LOCATED HER. l FOUND HER AND SHE'S BACK.

AND SHE--WHAT HAPPENED WAS SHE HAD LlKE A SORT OF A MlN l STROKE AND SHE DlDN'T REMEMBER ANYTH lNG.

SHE DlDN'T KNOW WHO SHE WAS.

AND SHE WAS WANDERlNG AROUND, BUT SHE'S OKAY NOW.

AND l--SO l'LL TAKE CARE OF lT.

YOU CAN DROP THE CASE.

JUST DROP THE CASE? YEAH .

DON'T FlND HER.

DON'T LOOK FOR HER ANYMORE.

♪♪♪ YOU SURE YOU'RE OKAY? l'M GREAT, AND l'VE NEVER BEEN BETTER.

NEVER BEEN BETTER.

♪♪♪

HOW ARE YOU TODAY, MR. MlLLS? GOOD.

YOU LOOK VERY WONDERFUL.

THANK YOU . l'LL TAKE TH lS. lS THERE ANYTH lNG ELSE? NO, THAT WlLL DO lT.

TWO DOLLARS, SlR.

OKAY. GOOD.

EVERYTH lNG OKAY WlTH YOU?

YES, SlR. lT'S WONDERFUL TO SEE YOU, SlR.

THANK YOU .

HOPE TO YOU SEE AGAlN . THANK YOU .

WHAT lS ALL THAT CONFUSlON OUTSlDE? l DON'T KNOW. THERE'S ALWAYS NOlSE, SlR.

[POLlCE SlRENS] l NEVER SAW ANYTH lNG LlKE lT.

SHELDON, WHERE'VE YOU BEEN? l'VE BEEN LOOKlNG ALL OVER FOR YOU . l WAS JUST DlSCUSSlNG YOUR PROBLEM WlTH THESE N lCE PEOPLE.

WHERE ARE YOU?

DO l KNOW?

LOOK, SHELDON, l'VE HAD PLENTY OF TlME TO TH lNK ABOUT lT.

DON'T GET MARRlED.

MOM, NOT HERE.

WHY SHOULD YOU RUSH lN?

TH lS lS NOT THE PLACE TO DlSCUSS lT!

WHERE SHOULD l GO? l'M HERE.

YOU TH lNK A MAN H lS AGE SHOULD GET MARRlED?

THEY ONLY MET 6 MONTHS AGO. lT DEPENDS. lF SHE'S A N lCE GlRL, WHY NOT?

SHE'S N lCE, BUT WHY DO THEY HAVE TO RUSH lN?

HE'S STlLL PAYlNG ALlMONY.

MOTHER, STOP.

LET THEM LEAD THElR OWN LlVES. l HAVE THE SAME PROBLEM WlTH MY DAUGHTER.

THEY GROW UP AND THEY TH lNK THEY HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS.

HOW OLD lS YOUR DAUGHTER?

TWENTY-SlX.

YOU GOT ANY PlCTURES?

HOME. HOME? l ALWAYS CARRY SHELDON AROUND WHEREVER l GO.

OH, GOD, TH lS CAN'T BE HAPPEN lNG.

SEE, HERE HE lS. l NEED AlR.

TWO YEARS OLD. l NEED OXYGEN . l GOTTA GET OUT lN FRESH AlR. l NEED CYAN lDE. lSN'T HE A DARLlNG? LOOK AT H lM.

TH lS lS MY GRANDDAUGHTER.

MY DAUGHTER'S WEDDlNG. THAT'S MY DAUGHTER.

THAT'S HER HUSBAND. THAT'S ME.


HELLO, DOROTHY. TH lS lS MR. MlLLS.

l CAN'T COME lN TODAY.

TELL MR. BATES THAT l'M FEELlNG SlCK.

NO, NO. lT'S--lT'S OKAY. lT'S OKAY.

A WOMAN, MRS. SADlE MlLLSTElN lS A WlDOW AND THE MOTHER OF SHELDON MlLLS, AN ATTORNEY WlTH THE NEW YORK FlRM OF BATES, PH lLLlPS, TUNNY AND MlLLS.

LlTTLE lS KNOWN OF SHELDON MlLLS EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT HE CHANGED H lS NAME AND WAS A BEDWETTER.

APPARENTLY--

MRS. MlLLSTElN, DO YOU HAVE ANY lDEA HOW TH lS HAPPENED TO YOU?

MY SON TOOK ME TO A MAGlC SHOW TO MEET H lS FlANCEE'S CH lLDREN .

DOES HE NEED CH lLDREN?

DO YOU TH lNK SHELDON SHOULD GET MARRlED? l DEFlN lTELY BELlEVE HE SHOULD LlSTEN TO TH lS MOTHER.

OH, GOD, THE PAlN, THE HUMlLlATlON .

YOU REMEMBER, OTHERS DON'T SEE HER THE WAY YOU DO. lT'S NOT SO. YOU'RE RATlONALlZlNG.

YOU KNOW, TH lS lS A N lGHTMARE.

TO BE PERFECTLY FRANK, lT lS HUMlLlATlNG. l WANT TO KlLL THAT MAGlClAN . l'M GONNA FlND THAT GUY AND l'M GONNA DlSMEMBER H lM.

YOU KNOW, AND THEN l'M GONNA SUE H lM.

TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, lT lS A LlTTLE EMBARRASSlNG.

GOD. l'M GONNA KlLL MYSELF. l'LL KlLL MYSELF. l GUESS WE COULD ALWAYS MOVE TO ANOTHER STATE.

SHE'LL FLOAT OVER.

FOR GOD'S SAKES, LOOK AT HER. SHE'S THE TYPE THAT WlLL FLOAT. l'M TELLlNG YOU, WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO LlVE lN THE SUBWAY. l MADE H lM A SAlLOR SU lT, AND HE LOOKED JUST LlKE A DOLL.

GOD, LOOK, SHE'S TELLlNG EVERYBODY lN THE ClTY HOW CUTE l WAS AT 1 0 YEARS OLD.

TH lS MORN lNG SHE TOLD THE ENTlRE BOROUGH OF QUEENS THAT l HAD A H lATUS HERN lA.

WHAT DOES HE NEED WlTH MARRlAGE FOR GOODNESS SAKES?

AND BESlDES ALL THAT--

SHE'S SAYlNG TH lNGS ABOUT ME.

SHE'S--AT LEAST SHE'S YOUR MOTHER.

YOU GREW UP WlTH TH lS KlND OF TH lNG. l'M NOT USED TO lT.

SO THEN l SAlD, "SHELDON, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO SUCK THAT BLANKET lN BED, HUH?"

AND HE CRlED AND HE SAlD, "OH, PLEASE. PLEASE, DON'T TAKE lT AWAY."

WELL, ALL THROUGH H lS CH lLDHOOD, HE SUCKED THAT BLANKET AND DROVE ME CRAZY. lT HAS BEEN 2 WEEKS NOW SlNCE MRS. SADlE MlLLSTElN HAS BEEN lN HER STRANGE PREDlCAMENT, AND TYPlCALLY, NEW YORKERS HAVE COME TO ACCEPT lT AS JUST ANOTHER FACT OF LlFE lN THE ClTY.

LOOK, MR. MlLLSTElN'S RlGHTS, HER ClVlL LlBERTlES HAVE TO BE PROTECTED.

SHE HAS EVER RlGHT TO BE THERE.

SHE'S HELPED US SPOT CRlME AND l, FOR ONE, WOULD BE VERY HAPPY lF SHE CONTlNUED TO STAY THERE.

♪♪♪ SHELDON, WHERE ARE YOU GOlNG? HEY, THERE HE lS.

MR. MlLLS, WE NEED TO TALK TO YOU .

SHELDON! SHELDON!

HOW LONG lS SHE GONNA BE UP THERE?

♪♪♪ MR. MlLLS, JUST GlVE US ONE SECOND.

SHELDON, WHAT ARE YOU ASHAMED OF?

THEY WANT TO ASK YA SOME QUESTlONS.

HEY, SHELLY BOY, HOW'S THE MAMA'S BOY?

HEY, SHELL, HOW'S THE LlTTLE BOY?

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

MOTHER FORGOT TO TELL YOU WHERE TO GO TH lS MORN lNG?

♪♪♪ WHAT ARE YOU DOlNG? l CAN'T TAKE lT ANYMORE.

WELL, THAT'S NO SOLUTlON . GOD.

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? lT'S A N lGHTMARE.

WELL, HOW DO YOU SUPPOSE l FEEL WlTH HER OUT THERE CALLlNG ME ALL THOSE STRANGE FORElGN NAMES?

WHAT'S A COURVA ANYWAY?

OH, lT'S JEWlSH . FOR WHAT?

WELL, YOU KNOW, lT'S A WHORE.

OH, GREAT.

AND THE WORST lS THAT LlSA AND l KEEP FlGHTlNG.

YOU KNOW, SHE JUMPS AT ME AND l SNAP AT HER ALL THE TlME AND, YOU KNOW, lT'S AWFUL. l GOTTA COMMlT SU lClDE. lT'S THE ONLY WAY.

MR. MlLLSTElN--MlLLS, l'M GONNA MAKE AN UNUSUAL SUGGESTlON, BUT l FEEL THE SlTUATlON CALLS FOR lMAGlNATlVE ACTlON .

YEAH? l KNOW A CLAlRVOYANT, A PSYCH lC, A WOMAN WHO DEALS lN THE OCCULT, UNEXPLAlNED PHENOMENA, MYSTERlES THAT SClENCE CAN'T FATHOM. l'M SORRY, l DON'T BELlEVE lN THAT. lT MAY BE TlME TO BEGlN .

ARE YOU TREVA MARX?

COME lN, SHELDON .

COME ON . COME ON .

YOU LOOK TERRlBLE.

DO YOU WANT SOMETH lNG TO EAT?

NO. NO, THANK YOU .

LOOK, LET ME LEVEL WlTH YA. l DON'T REALLY BELlEVE lN TH lS. l WAS SENT HERE BY SOMEONE, BUT l'M SORT OF DESPERATE.

YOU LOOK SO TH lN, SHE'S RlGHT.

YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT SOMETH lNG TO EAT?

NO. NO, THANK YOU . l HAVE NO APPETlTE, DO YOU KNOW WHAT l MEAN? l HAD A VERY ROUGH COUPLE OF WEEKS.

WELL, JUST CALM DOWN . COME WlTH ME THROUGH HERE.

TRY AND RELAX.

GEE, TH lS lS A N lCE PLACE YOU GOT HERE.

WHAT TlME DOES THE COBRA COME OUT? lF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME FOR JUST ONE MlNUTE, l WANT TO FlN lSH SOMETH lNG l STARTED BEFORE YOU GOT HERE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOlNG? l'M SPEAKlNG WlTH A DEAD FRlEND OF MlNE.

WELL, WOULD YOU RATHER TALK PRlVATELY?

'CAUSE l COULD WAlT lN THE OTHER ROOM.

NO, NO, NO. THAT'S NOT NECESSARY.

WE'RE NOT DlSCUSSlNG ANYTH lNG PERSONAL.

JEFFREY, l HAVE TO GO.

WE'LL SPEAK AGAlN ON THURSDAY.

BUT REMEMBER, YOU BASTE THE BlRD WlTH THE BUTTER AND THE SEASON lNGS FlRST AND THEN YOU PUT lT lNTO THE OVEN .

MM-HMM. YES, THAT'S RlGHT.

UH-HUH .

YEAH, THAT'S lT.

RlGHT. RlGHT.

COULD YOU CALL H lM BACK?

BECAUSE l'VE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE.

JEFFREY, l REALLY HAVE TO GO. lT'S BUSlNESS.

LOOK. TH lS lS CRAZY.

YOU KNOW, l TH lNK THESE KlND OF TH lNGS ARE FRAUDULENT. l'M REALLY BElNG HONEST WlTH YA. l JUST DON'T BELlEVE lN lT. YOU KNOW WHAT l MEAN? l'M A PERSON WHO BELlEVES lN SClENCE AND LOGlC AND RATlONAL THOUGHT.

RlGHT.

MEANWH lLE YOUR MOTHER lS HOVERlNG OVER THE CHRYSLER BU lLDlNG.

♪♪♪

l WOULD LlKE TO ORDER ONE LARGE PlE WlTH PEPPERON l, ANCHOVlES AND MUSHROOMS, AND ONE REGULAR PlE WlTH JUST EXTRA CHEESE.

♪♪♪ HURRY UP, PLEASE, 'CAUSE l DON'T LlKE BElNG lN MY MOTHER'S HOUSE WHEN SHE'S NOT HERE.

YEAH, RlGHT.

WHAT lS THAT STUFF YOU'RE SPREADlNG AROUND?

TH lS lS CRUSHED PlG BONES. GOD, SAVE ME.

DO YOU PLAY PlANO?

NO. DO YOU?

YES, l DO.

♪♪♪ THAT'S VERY, VERY PRETTY. YOU MUST HAVE STUDlED.

NO, NO, l NEVER STUDlED. l WAS A PlAN lST lN A FORMER LlFE.

ACTUALLY, l'VE HAD THREE FORMER LlVES.

ONE WAS A PlAN lST.

THE SECOND l WAS A BALLERlNA.

AND THE TH lRD, l DlD ALL THE LAUNDRY FOR GENGH lS KHAN . lT WAS A TOUGH JOB.

THE MAN WAS PlCKY. HE HATED STARCH .

HE WANTED EVERYTH lNG JUST SOFT, SOFT.

THE--

OUT OF THE HOUSE. OUT OF THE HOUSE.

HEY, LA, LA, LA.

HEY, HEY, HEY.

HEY-YAH .

HEY-YAH HEY, LA, LA, LA.

HEY.

HEY, SHELDON!

ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE DRESSED WARM ENOUGH?

HEY, HEY, SHELDON, DON'T FORGET TO WEAR YOUR MUFFLER.

LEAVE H lM ALONE.

STOP PlCKlNG ON MY SON . HE'S VERY SENSlTlVE.

DARLlNG, ARE THEY BOTHERlNG YOU?

[CHANTlNG]

OH, TH lS lS RlDlCULOUS. l'M NOT GONNA GO THROUGH TH lS ANYMORE. lT'S A TOUGH PROBLEM. lT'S CRAZY!

WE'VE BEEN DOlNG lT FOR 3 WEEKS.

WE'RE GOlNG lN ClRCLES! l TOLD YOU WE SHOULD TRY SACRlFlClNG A SHE-GOAT. l'M NOT GONNA KlLL AN AN lMAL.

WELL, WE DON'T HAVE TO KlLL lT. YOU WON'T EVEN FONDLE lT.

YOU'RE A FRAUD. l SAlD lT THE FlRST DAY THAT l CAME HERE AND l KNOW lT.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL YOU'RE DOlNG.

OKAY. OKAY, l GUESS YOU'RE RlGHT. l'M NOT SAYlNG THAT l DON'T APPREClATE lT.

YOU'RE NOT N lCE OR SOMETH lNG BUT l, YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW, l APPREClATE YOU GlVlNG ME HALF PRlCE ON TH lS.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY.

WHAT ARE YOU CRYlNG ABOUT? SHE'S CRYlNG.

WHAT ARE YOU CRYlNG? l LET YOU DOWN . YOU DlDN'T LET ME DOWN .

YOU KNOW, l NEVER EXPECTED ANYTH lNG.

NO, l DlD.

YOU COUNTED ON ME AND l FAlLED.

HOW DO YOU EXPECT TH lS STUPlDlTY TO WORK?

YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD MOVE OUT TO CALlFORN lA.

YOU KNOW BY NOW, YOU WOULD HAVE A SWlMMlNG POOL AND YOUR OWN CHURCH . l ALWAYS HAVE HOPES. l ALWAYS TH lNK THAT THERE'S MORE TO THE WORLD THAN MEETS YOUR EYE, H lDDEN MEAN lNG, SPEClAL MYSTERlES.

NOTH lNG EVER WORKS, EVER.

LOOK, MAYBE YOU'RE RlGHT. DON'T GET SO UPSET.

YOU KNOW AFTER ALL, MY MOTHER lS FLOATlNG AROUND UP THERE.

BUT HAVE YOU EVER DONE ANYTH lNG EXTRASENSORY lN YOUR LlFE?

NO.

YOU WERE RlGHT FROM THE BEGlNN lNG. l'M NOTH lNG. lT JUST BEATS BElNG A WAlTRESS. lS THAT WHAT YOU WERE, A WAlTRESS?

WELL, l WANTED TO BE AN ACTRESS, BUT l COULD NEVER FlND ANY WORK, SO l HAD TO WAlT ON TABLES. lT'S DRUDGERY.

THEN l MET SOME ASTROLOGER, AND HE TOLD ME THAT THERE'S A LOT OF MONEY TO BE MADE lN PSYCH lC PHENOMENA, THAT PEOPLE FLOCK TO lT BECAUSE THElR LlVES ARE SO EMPTY.

SO l TRlED TO LEARN lT. l READ UP. l--l GUESS lT'S LlKE ACTlNG, YOU HAVE TO BE BORN WlTH lT.

WlLL YOU STOP CRYlNG? RELAX. l BET YOU'RE A WONDERFUL ACTRESS.

YOU KNOW, YOU HAVE A VERY-- A PARTlCULARLY SWEET PERSONALlTY, YOU KNOW?

OH, THANK YOU . YOU'RE PROBABLY FlNE.

YOU KNOW, JUST BECAUSE A TH lNG DOESN'T SUCCEED lMMEDlATELY, DOESN'T MEAN THAT YOU HAVE TO GlVE lT UP RlGHT AWAY.

MY LlFE lS A BUST. NOTH lNG l DO COMES OUT RlGHT.

RELAX, RELAX. TAKE lT EASY.

LET ME BUY YA DlNNER. YOU'LL FEEL BETTER.

YOU KNOW, LlSA'S COMlNG BACK LATE TON lGHT.

SHE HAD TO WORK. l'LL TAKE YA TO DlNNER.

YOU'LL FEEL--YOU'VE BEEN--

THANK YOU VERY MUCH . THANK YOU ANYWAY.

COME ON, l'LL TAKE YA TO-- ACTUALLY, l PROBABLY SHOULDN'T GO OUT BECAUSE MY MOTHER WlLL SEE ME.

LOOK, YOU WANT ME TO MAKE YOU DlNNER?

HUH?

NO, FORGET lT.

OH, COME ON, PLEASE. LOOK, lT'S THE LEAST l CAN DO.

COME ON .

CAN YOU COOK OR YOU JUST STAND OVER THE STOVE AND CHANT OR SOMETH lNG? l'LL BOlL YOU SOME CH lCKEN .

GREAT, MY FAVORlTE, BOlLED CH lCKEN . lT'S MY MOTHER'S SPEClALTY.

OF COURSE, SHE MANAGES TO RENDER THE BlRD COMPLETELY DEVOlD OF ANY FLAVOR. lT'S A CULlNARY MlRACLE.

♪♪♪ HAVE SOME MORE. YOU ONLY HAD A DRUMSTlCK.

HUH?

NO, l'M FULL.

YOU DlDN'T HAVE ANY POTATO PANCAKES AT ALL. l HAD TWO OF THOSE AND l HAD TWO, THREE PlECES OF CH lCKEN .

YOU STlLL LOOK TH lN TO ME.

NO, l'M FlNE. YOU KNOW WHAT?

TAKE SOME OF TH lS HOME WlTH YOU . l'LL WRAP lT UP, THAT WAY YOU WON'T HAVE TO LEAVE YOUR APARTMENT. l KNOW HOW THAT EMBARRASSES YOU .

NO, BUT, YOU KNOW, HOW MUCH CAN l EAT? lT'S--lT WAS VERY GOOD.

TH lS WAS REALLY DELlClOUS.

TH lS WAS A VERY GOOD lDEA TO EAT lN . lT WAS--l HAD A WONDERFUL TlME, REALLY. l MEAN, YOU KNOW, YOU'RE A TERRlFlC STORYTELLER. lT WAS, YOU KNOW, l REALLY HAD A N lCE TlME AND l WAS VERY, YOU KNOW, THANK YOU FOR EVERYTH lNG. l HAD A N lCE TlME TOO.

SO, UM, l SHOULD GO, RlGHT?

BECAUSE NOW, l--l'VE EATEN AND, YOU KNOW, l SHOULD--l HAVE TO BE HOME ANYHOW BECAUSE PROBABLY-- THANK YOU AGAlN .

OKAY.

WHAT lS TH lS? HERE YOU GO.

TH lS lS THE CH lCKEN AND JUST A LlTTLE PANCAKE TO GO.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH . YOU'RE WELCOME.

NO, REALLY. l'M GLAD YOU STAYED. THANK YOU . l--YOU, LlKE l SAlD, YOU KNOW, l HAD A VERY RELAXED TlME. lT WAS--l LlKED ALL THE FOOD. lT WAS--lT WAS WONDERFUL.

YEAH .

SO. GOOD.

WE SHOULD DO TH lS AGAlN SOMETlME ACTUALLY lF--

YEAH .

YOU KNOW.

WELL, l GUESS YOU BETTER GO, HUH? l MEAN, LlSA WlLL BE EXPECTlNG YOU .

RlGHT. RlGHT.

SO OKAY, SO THANK YOU .

OKAY.

SO GOOD N lGHT. GOOD N lGHT.

GOOD N lGHT.

DlNNER WAS WONDERFUL, YOU KNOW. SORRY.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH THOUGH, FOR EVERYTH lNG.

YOU'RE WELCOME. lT WAS A N lCE lDEA TO FLOSS BETWEEN EVERY COURSE.

NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE.

[DOOR CLOSlNG]

♪♪♪

DEAR SHELDON, l'VE TAKEN THE KlDS AND GONE TO MY SlSTER'S lN VERMONT. l TH lNK lT'S BEST WE END TH lNGS QU lCKLY AND QU lETLY.

LATELY, ALL WE DO lS FlGHT. MAYBE YOUR MOTHER'S RlGHT.

MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T RUSH lNTO ANYTH lNG.

ANYHOW, l CAN'T HANDLE lT ANYMORE. lT'S FUNNY, YOU WAKE UP ONE DAY AND SUDDENLY YOU'RE OUT OF LOVE.

LlFE lS ODD. ALL THE BEST TO YOU .

LlSA.

♪♪♪ SHELDON .

SHELDON, WAKE UP, lT'S MORN lNG.

MOTHER! MOTHER!

MOM! MOM! l WANT YOU TO MEET MY NEW FlANCEE!

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE OTHER ONE?

SHE'S GONE.

TREVA, YOU NEVER OFFlClALLY MET MY MOTHER.

NO.

HELLO! H l . l LOVE YOUR SON .

OF COURSE HE COULD USE A LlTTLE FATTEN lNG, BUT OTHERWlSE HE'S A DOLL.

AH-HA. SEE, NOW HER l LlKE.

ME TOO. GOOD.

NOW l'LL COME DOWN .

WHERE DlD SHE GO? l DON'T KNOW. SHE JUST DlSAPPEARED.

THAT'S FUNNY.

HERE l AM. HERE, SON .

HERE l AM.

YOO-HOO. HA, HA.

MOM. WHAT?

ARE YOU OKAY? AM l OKAY?

OF COURSE. WHEN AM l NOT OKAY?

HELLO, MRS. MlLLSTElN . l'M TREVA.

N lCE TO MEET YOU .

THANK YOU . THANK YOU . l'M GLAD. l'M GLAD.

OH, YOU PlCKED SUCH A LOVELY LADY.

SO DO YOU HAVE ANY PlCTURES OF H lM WHEN HE WAS A BOY?

DO l HAVE PlCTURES?

YEAH . LOOK.

HERE, RlGHT FROM THE BEGlNN lNG. HE'S 6 MONTHS OLD.

SEE H lS MOUTH?

YEAH, HE'S CRYlNG. lT WAS ALWAYS OPEN .

ALWAYS YELLlNG. HE LOOKS SO UPSET.

HE WAS A PAlN lN THE NECK AT THAT TlME.

REALLY?

OH, SURE.

WHEN HE GOT A LlTTLE OLDER, WELL, lT WAS A LlTTLE BETTER.

HERE l AM.

WE'RE ON THE BEACH HERE, SEE.

♪♪♪

♪ PEOPLE WlLL TALK, ESPEClALLY THE FOOLS ♪

♪ PEOPLE WlLL TALK, WHEN THERE'S NOTH lNG LEFT TO DO ♪

♪ PEOPLE WlLL TALK, REGARDLESS OF THE RULES ♪

♪ PEOPLE WlLL TALK, TALK, TALK, TALK TOO MUCH ♪

♪ OOLA SAYS THAT CARLA SAYS THAT, OMN l ♪

♪ SAYS THAT OOPA lS A STOOGE ♪

♪ HOSANA SAYS THAT AFl KEEPS AN ALLlGATOR ♪

♪ lN H lS SWlMMlNG POOL ♪

♪ PEOPLE WlLL TALK, ESPEClALLY THE FOOLS ♪

♪ PEOPLE WlLL TALK, WHEN THERE'S NOTH lNG ELSE TO DO ♪

♪ PEOPLE WlLL TALK, REGARDLESS OF THE RULES ♪

♪ PEOPLE WlLL TALK, TALK, TALK, TALK TOO MUCH ♪

♪ SOPH lE SAYS THAT STACY'S GOT PSORlASlS ♪

♪ FROM lMlTATlON PEARLS ♪

♪ AND MOOGGlE* SAYS THE COLEMAN BROTHERS ♪

♪ LlKE TO DRESS UP AND PRETEND THEY'RE GlRLS ♪

♪ PEOPLE WlLL TALK, OOH, ESPEClALLY THE FOOLS ♪

♪ PEOPLE WlLL TALK, WHEN THERE'S NOTH lNG ELSE TO DO ♪

♪ PEOPLE WlLL TALK, REGARDLESS OF THE RULES ♪

♪ PEOPLE WlLL TALK, TALK, TALK, TALK TOO MUCH ♪

♪♪♪

♪ WE SKlPPED A LlGHT FANDANGO ♪

♪ TURNED CARTWHEELS 'CROSS THE FLOOR ♪

♪ l WAS FEELlNG KlND OF SEASlCK ♪

♪ BUT THE CROWD CALLED OUT FOR MORE ♪

♪ THE ROOM WAS HUMMlNG HARDER ♪

♪ AS THE CElLlNG FLEW AWAY ♪

♪ WHEN WE CALLED OUT FOR ANOTHER DRlNK ♪

♪ THE WAlTER BROUGHT A TRAY ♪

♪ AND SO lT WAS, BABY ♪

♪ AS THE MlLLER TOLD H lS TALE ♪

♪ THAT HER FACE AT FlRST JUST GHOSTLY ♪

♪ TURNED A WH lTER SHADE OF PALE ♪♪

♪♪♪