Next Stop, Greenwich Village (1976) Script


Tie a rope around the big suitcase. It's okay, Mom.

Ben, get a rope, put it around the suitcase.

"It's okay, Mom."

It'll break open in the middle of the street.

"It's okay, Mom."

You packed everything?

Just about. What'd you leave?

I left some pictures and some books, and I'll pick them up when I come back.

You're coming back? I thought this was, uh, for good, huh?

I don't wanna argue, Mom. Let me help you, Pop.

Did you hear... I can do it. I can do it.

Do you hear? Mr. Greenwich Village is gonna honor us with his, uh, presence.

He... He's gonna come back.

When? When are you gonna come back?

When? When? I'm not arguing with you, Mom.

Don't argue.

Okay.

Don't argue.

Thanks. I'm gonna be going now. Wait.

Thanks, Pop. See you later.

Good-bye. So long, Ma.

Mom, you said you wouldn't do it.

Mom, what you are doing is called hysteria.

You're trying to make me feel guilty about going.

Mom, I am going. I have to go. I have to live my own life.

I am 22 years old!

Mom, you're gonna give yourself a heart attack!

Jesus Christ, will you stop it?

Nothing you do is gonna stop me from going.

You are not going to make me feel guilty!

Come on. Let's go. Come on. Let's go. Come on. Let's go.

Come on! Give me the ball!

Larry! Larry!

Hi, Mrs. Tupperman.

Where are you going with all that luggage? Greenwich Village.

You're moving? Yeah.

What's in Greenwich Village? Fame and fortune.

I'll see you later, Mrs. Tupperman.

Be careful, Larry.

I got it! Come on!

Kaiser rolls! Kaiser rolls!


Oh, boy, am I guilty.

Maybe I should get a diaphragm. That would be nice.

For you. Maybe I should get a diaphragm.

I wonder if my mother's fits me.

You've talked to your mother about things like that?

No. She doesn't even know I know she has a diaphragm.

How do you know? I looked in her drawer one night.

You love me? I told you I might get a diaphragm.

Where will you get it? I'll go to a doctor.

What doctor? I'll find a doctor. It's easy.

Where will you keep it? In a drawer.

Doesn't your mother go through your stuff?

I'll bury it in the backyard. What is this?

You're a very funny lady. We should do a comedy act together.

We just did a comedy act together.

Oh. I was just funny, huh?

I wasn't good? I wasn't great?

Was I funny, or was I great? Stop it, Larry.

Was I funny, or was I great?

You were fine.

I love that. "You were fine."

Larry Lapinsky, my dear, is not fine.

Larry Lapinsky is King Kong.

Larry!

Larry Lapinsky is either a sexual brute or a tender poet.

Fine he is not.

You were fine.

Call your mother and tell her you're staying overnight with a girlfriend.

I don't have a girlfriend.

What are we gonna do?

When? What do you mean? With our lives.

Well, I don't know about you, but I'm gonna get a diaphragm.

I think about suicide once or twice a day.

That's normal. I really do.

So. Do you?

Not lately. Why do I do it?

Suicide makes you feel talented.

You feel like a Dostoyevskian hero.

Did you hear the one about Dostoyevsky and Tolstoy?

Dostoyevsky meets Tolstoy in the streets of Moscow.

They both have to take a pee, so they take a pee right in the street.

So Dostoyevsky says to Tolstoy, "Why"...

"Why are you peeing on my pants leg?" I heard it.

Come on, Larry. Get dressed. Do you want a beer?

No, I gotta go home. Oh, come on. One beer.

Come, Patruska, we shall dance.

We shall dance in the snow. Mmm.

You're crazy. No. Look, come on, Larry.

I gotta wash my hair, and I got a lot of things to do. Come on.

A glass of beer will do you good.

Would you please put your pants on?

Hi. Buenas noches, señor.

How are you? Good.

Who is that? It's Nick Kessler.

He's a crazy guy. He saved up all his money to go to Mexico.

Wanted to see the ruins. You know, get into the primitive thing.

So he quit his job and everything, and he took off for Mexico City on Monday.

Two beers, Ray. Yesterday Monday?

Right. So he got off the plane, and he ate a taco, and he got a terrible case of the shits, so he took the next plane back.

He spent two and a half hours in Mexico.

He says it stinks.

I wonder if they sell diaphragms in Mexico.

They sell crosses in Mexico.

Hey-hey, Barney! How's the actor?

How you doing, Barney? This is Sarah, my girlfriend.

Didn't I meet you at the New School? I don't think so.

Did you ever take a course in modern art with Ben Probst?

No. That's cool.

You know anybody needs an abortion? Not lately.

I know someone clean and dependable. A lot of butchers running around.

I'll be sure to let you know when I get knocked up.

Hey, no offense. I just get a cut if I steer business.

I'll see you later, Barney. Oh.

Excuse me. You'd make a great model.

Let me know if you wanna come sit for me.

You ever done any modeling? My name's Barney.

No. You remind me of a Rubens.

Can he paint? I doubt it.

Oh, I want you to meet Bernstein.

Bernstein? Yeah, his first name is Bernstein.

His real name is Bernstein Chandler.

His mother's a cleaning lady.

She worked 30 years for a Jewish family named Bernstein.

She named him after them.

Hi. Hello, Larry, darling.

And you must be Sarah. How did you know?

My dear, I am a friend of Connie's, and you are a ravishing Semitic beauty.

So are you, kiddo.

Larry, Sarah, I'd like you to meet Sven.

How do you do?

I beg your pardon? He's Norwegian.

Doesn't speak a word of English.

Isn't he beautiful?

I met him on the subway this morning, and I think I'm in love, but I don't know how to tell him.

Does anyone know how to say "I love you" in Norwegian?

Get a poem for a loved one.

They're only 25 cents. I'm broke, Jake.

They're only 25 cents. All right. Wait a second.

"In the winter, I'm a Buddhist.

In the summer, I'm a nudist."

They're only 25 cents. Anybody else want one?

Marvelous. Ah.

Beautiful. Beautiful. Thank you.

Thank you, Jake. Read it to your loved ones.

Here you go, loved one.

What do you wanna be when you grow up?

I forget. I wanna be a star.

I wanna go to Mexico.

I never wanted to be a cop or a fireman or a pilot.

For a brief time there, I wanted to be a war hero.

I always wanted to be a star.

I used to lay in the bathtub dreaming of me as Robin Hood or Louis Pasteur.

I'm bored. There's nothing happening in New York.

What, are you depressed? Yeah.

I wish I was. Nah, I... I just feel weird.

Let's get married.

Maybe I should go to an analyst.

You're better off in Mexico. Maybe I should go to a Mexican analyst.

So tell me, my dear, what seems to be the trouble?

I wanna be... Miss Subways.

You're a very sick girl.


Good night, Larry.

One minute. What?

You're a mess.

You know what?

Larry, come here.


Put a rubber on.


I didn't bring anything. Schmuck!

Shh! Schmuck!

This proves I don't love you for just your body.

I'll call you tomorrow.

What if your father wakes up? My father sleeps like a dead man.

My mother's probably watching us right this second.

I'll pull out before I come, okay?

I love you, Sarah.


To be or not to be... that is the question.

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing, end them.

To die, to sleep no more, and by a sleep to say we end the heartache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to.

Hey, Blanche.

What are you doin', Blanche, baby?

I wanna tell you about the Napoleonic code, Blanche.

I hold in my hand a copy of the Napoleonic code.

Understand me, Blanche?

You got some chewing gum on your tit.

I thought it was diamonds.

I thought it was a diamond tiara.

I'll see you later, Blanche.

Stella. Where are you, Stella, baby?

Stella!

Stella, baby, where are you?

Stella!

Stella!

Where are you, Ste...

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen of the Academy.

This Oscar gives me great pleasure.

But I don't think that this award goes just to Larry Lapinsky.

No, no. There are a lot of other people involved in this.

First of all, I would like to thank my director, Elia Kazan.

It was... It was Gadg who first discovered me in the 42nd Street library.

Without Gadg, there would be no Larry Lapinsky.

I would also like to thank the author of this film... that great Jewish writer, Eugene O'Neill.

Gene, thank you.

Boy... Boy, this was really something.

But, ladies and gentlemen of the Academy, I don't think that this evening would be complete if I didn't thank the little lady who has stood behind me all these years.

As a matter of fact, she's standing behind me now.

Mom, say a few words.

When my darling...

When my darling, adorable, loving son first told my husband and myself that he wanted to be an actor, I scoffed.

Oh, boy, did I scoff.

But tonight, I realized that I scoffed wrongly.

You don't scoff at an Academy Award winner.

My son's performance as Sheriff Luke Marshall in Last Train to Budapest will go down as one of the great performances in motion picture history.

But, ladies and gentlemen of the Academy, tell me one thing.

Why does my son complain when I bring him a chicken to his big-deal Greenwich Village apartment?

Why? Why? Why? I'll tell you why, Mom.

Because your boy's an ingrate.

He doesn't understand the Napoleonic code.

Hey, you. Yeah, you. Come here.

You're waking up the whole neighborhood. I'm sorry, Officer.

Are you crazy? I was just doing some imitations.

They stink. I know.

What was that supposed to be over there? Marlon Brando?

Yeah.

It was. Well, it sounded like Edward G. Robinson.

I know. Well, my Marlon Brando sounds just like my Edward G. Robinson.

Well, let me hear Edward G. Robinson.

Yeah. Yeah.

All right, you guys. I'm Little Caesar, see?

Yeah. Yeah. Are you in show business, kid?

I wanna be an actor, yeah. Well, take my advice.

Get into another line.

Thank you, Officer, for your advice.

But most of all, I would like to thank an unknown police officer who was the first person to give me encouragement.


Have a nice day. I'll see you soon. Enjoy.

Excuse me. I'm here about the job. Are you the boy from the agency?

Yes. The Canal Street Employment Agency sent me.

Canal Street.

Herb, the boy from the agency is here.

You got experience? Yes, sir.

I worked as a waiter in the Catskills. Did you ever work a counter?

Yes. Yes, I did. Where?

My uncle had a place in Brooklyn. I worked the counter.

Where in Brooklyn? Brownsville.

Did you ever work a juicer? Uh, I don't know.

What's a juicer? This is a juicer.

I never worked a juicer. No, sir.

Are you a college boy? Yeah. I graduated from Brooklyn College.

What's a college graduate looking for a job in a restaurant for?

I need the money. Hey, mister, look, if I'm not right, tell me.

I need a boy from 11:00 to 3:00. We're mostly a lunch trade.

11:00 to 3:00 is fine with me. Good morning, Herb.

Good morning, Mr. Elkins. How do you feel?

I had a bad night. The head or the stomach?

In here. All night, like a hammer.

You ate some crap yesterday.

Right or wrong? Well, uh...

Right or wrong, please!

I had a corned beef sandwich for lunch.

You hear that?

He ate a poison sandwich for lunch, and he wonders if he's in pain!

I'll fix you a cabbage and a carrot juice.

That'll take care of today.

But do me a favor.

If you go on poison tonight, don't come back.

I'm not a magician.

Helen. Get me an apron. What?

I'm gonna show him how to work the juicer.

What's your name? Larry.

First and last, please. Lapinsky. Larry Lapinsky.

You got the job, Larry Lapinsky.

But you never worked a counter in Brooklyn. Right or wrong?

Right.

So what are you standing around?

Let's get to work. Okay.

What's this? Spinach.

And what's this? It's a carrot.

Good thinking. Now, make me a carrot and spinach juice right away.

Watch the hand! Accidents I need. Get in there. Here.

He was right in the middle of rehearsing this TV show when they fired him.

Bastards! Is he actually a Communist?

He's a very good actor. That's all I know.

They're really afraid of McCarthy. He's a paranoid schizophrenic.

That's why they're afraid of him. Hey, Connie, what's happening?

Follow us, my dears. Anita Cunningham just called.

Said she's gonna kill herself.

When did she call? About a half an hour ago.

Well, why did you wait a half an hour?

She commits suicide once a week. She usually calls back.

Heh-heh. She didn't call back.

Hey, what's happened? Anita Cunningham is committing suicide.

Can I watch? Listen, I'm not going in there if she used gas.

Where does she live?

Speaking of gas, Connie, I think you left the water boiling.

Oh!

You're crazy!

Anita, we're here!

I can smell the cat piss already.

Anita, we're coming.

Hey, what floor does she live on?

Fifth floor, darling.

To hell with it.

Anita? Anita.

Anita, it's Connie.

Anita, open up in the name of the law.

Anita, it's Connie. Open up.

I'm Robert Fullmer. Anita!

Larry Lapinsky. This is Sarah Ross.

Hi. Anita, it's Connie. Open up.

Connie says you're an actor. I'm studying.

I'm writing a play. Let's have a chat. Anita.

Great. Anita.

Be my guest. I think it's serious.

Anita!

Anita!

Where are you?

Stop playing games, Anita.

Anita, you crazy maniac, are you alive or dead?

Is this gas or cat piss? It's pleasant, isn't it?

Anita!

Anita! Shh!

She's in the bathroom.

Anita!

Anita, open up. It's Connie.

Anita, open the door. Anita, this is Robert.

Open the door, or I'll drown your cats.

I don't wanna live. I don't wanna live.

I don't wanna live.

I don't wanna live. I don't wanna live.

I don't want to live.

I don't wanna live. I don't wanna live.

Shall I call an ambulance? Wait, wait, wait. Get a towel.

She'll bleed to death. She's got a lot of blood.

I don't think it's very deep. Get a towel.

I think we should get her to a doctor.

Shame on you.

It's a Gillette.

That's the same blade she used last month.

It's superficial, very superficial. I don't wanna live.

Don't wanna live. Don't wanna live. Do you have any iodine?

I don't wanna live. Yes, my dear, but where is the iodine?

Over the sink. Don't wanna live. Don't...

I don't wanna live! Oh.

I don't wanna live! I don't wanna live! It's all right. I know.

I don't wanna live! Yeah.

I don't wanna live. Oh, yeah. Yes.

I don't wanna live. It's gonna be okay.

I don't wanna live.

If the Rosenbergs are executed, I think there'll be a lot of craziness in this year.

I don't think so. I doubt it. How can you say that?

There'll be outrage on the part of the liberals, some passionate demonstrations, famous people will rant and rave, but nothing will happen.

I don't say that the government will be overthrown.

I just think something will happen. Two people have died.

It's a terrible thing. Terrible?

Terr...

That's a terribly easy word.

Well, what word would you use?

I don't know. I mean, it's difficult to find precise words in the English language.

I'm sure you can find one somewhere.

I don't know if I can. The language is tricky.

Do you remember if I left the water boiling in my place?

Would "tragic" be a better word?

I don't think you left the water boiling. No, "tragic" would not be a better word.

The Rosenbergs are pathetic figures.

They're not tragic. But what's happening to them is tragic.

But they're not tragic figures. I think you're full of shit.

That may well be, but "tragic" and "terrible" are still the wrong words.

Is "full of shit" the right word?

That's more like what I was looking for, yeah.

Bravo.

You all think I'm crazy, don't you?

You think I'm just trying to get attention, don't you?

You're wrong.

I hate my life.

Nothing feels good.

I feel sad when I get up in the morning.

I feel sad when I go to sleep.

I really don't wanna live.

And I really don't wanna die. I'm afraid of dying.

Afraid of living, afraid of dying.

Men don't want me. Not the men I want.

How do you expect to keep a man in that filthy apartment?

Cease. What cease?

One of these days, I'm really gonna do it.

I won't call. I promise.

Hey, bubelah, come on. Let's go to a movie.

Mmm!

Excellent notion.

Those are beautiful rings you're wearing. Thank you, my dear.

They were given to me by my father, who's an African prince.

Tell me. How does your father, who is an African prince, get along with your mother, who is a cleaning woman?

Royally, my dear. I think Zapata! is playing at the Waverly.

I saw it. I think it's a terribly easy film.

I think it's terribly Jewish.

I think you're all full of shit. Did you see Limelight?

Is that Charlie Chaplin? Yeah.

I love Charlie Chaplin.

I think I left my water boiling.

You call this an apartment?

I don't call this an apartment.

An apartment has furniture. This is not furniture.

Mom. What do you mean, Mom?

I've got a record player. I've got a lovely sling chair.

I have a fabulous print by Bruegel.

That is not funny, my darling son.

Not funny at all. Ben, go down and get some cream soda.

I saw a place on the corner.

Mom, I don't need any cream soda.

Pop, you stay right where you are.

Well, I need some cream soda!

Ben, you hear me? Mom!

Look, let Pop take a load off his feet, huh?

I'll get the soda.

Cream. Can you remember that?

Sure, Mom. Cream.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Pop.

Come on in.

Eh... Eh...

You call this an apartment? I don't call this an apartment.

An apartment's got shelving and curtains, uh, furniture.

This is not furniture. What do you mean, Mom?

I've got a record player. I have a lovely sling chair.

I have a fabulous print by Bruegel.

You got a toilet? I'm dying.

Right this way.

Enough with the humor and the so-called sarcasm.

Ooh, it's like the North Pole in here.

Does the icebox work? I've got some perishables.

Of course it works.

How do you like the paint job, Pop?

It's not bad for an actor.

That could use enamel.

How much is the rent? Twenty-five a month.

How's the job? It's okay.

I think it would be smart if you got your teacher's license.

It's good to have something to fall back on.

I don't wanna be a teacher.

During the Depression, I made 13 dollars a week when I was lucky.

Have you got any cockroaches?

Only when I turn the lights on in the middle of the night.

Oh, Mr. Wise Guy.

Let me get rid of this stuff here.

You know, I got you a challah and a rye bread and a pumpernickel.

Your toilet's broken. I can't eat three loaves of bread.

Uh, here. Put the cream cheese away before it melts.

Where's the lox? Where's the lox?

That bastard! He forgot to give us the lox!

I put the lox away. So why couldn't you just tell me?

I got you brownies from Ratners.

You love brownies. You love...

And I got some tooth powder.

And, oh, a chicken! Mom!

And here's some underwear that you forgot.

Great. Maybe I can put the cream cheese on the underwear and eat it.

That's not funny. You left your dirty underwear at home!

Mom...

I appreciate everything you're doing for me, but you're stocking me with enough food for ten years!

Don't scream at me! How the hell am I gonna cook a chicken?

You cook a chicken in a pot! That's how you cook a chicken!


Ben, listen. Listen to that voice.

Listen! Wonderful.

Now watch. Watch when he hits this high note.


I don't care what happens.

Next year I'm going to the Met, and I'm gonna see him.

He's really great.

Well, I guess... it's time to go, huh?

Uh, listen, next week I'll bring you a couple curtains, huh?

We'll see ya. Okay.

I'll probably be here. What do you mean, probably?

I can't predict the future. What if something comes up next Sunday?

What could come up?

Listen, what time you gonna call me? I don't know.

You'll call me tomorrow night? That's what I said.

I'll call you tomorrow night. Let's go, Faye.

Now I get it from both sides.

Go? Where should I go? Back to my dungeon in Brooklyn.

For Christ's sake, will you stop it!

Let's get out of here. We're not wanted.

We're not wanted here! Let's go! You were right!

You said on the subway, we should never come here!

I didn't say we shouldn't come here. Well, somebody said it!

I'll call you tomorrow.

What time? 4:00.

Oh.

Somewhere there must be happy boys and girls who can... who can teach us the way to live.

Somewhere there must be a city where... where poverty is no crime, where music's no shame, where there's no war in the streets... where a man is glad to be himself... to live and make his woman herself.

Give up fighting?

But where do we go?

Tonight, Joe, we ride in your car, we speed through the night across the park, over the Triborough Bridge.

Right. That's it. We ride.

Clear my head. We drive through the night.

When you mow down the night with your headlights, nobody gets you.

You're on top of the world then. Nobody laughs.

That's it. Speed.

We're off the Earth. Unconnected.

That's what speed's for. You don't have to think.

It's an easy way to live.

Lorna, darling, we'll burn up the night.

Lights, please.

I wasn't involved for one second.

Well, since you started, go ahead.

There's nothing else to say.

I was lousy.

It just wasn't real for me. I was pushing.

No, I don't think you were pushing. Larry, let her finish.

I'm finished. I'm really finished.

Aw, that's silly.

I was so tense. I was so nervous. Um...

I just... It was bad. It was bad.

Now, see, it's beginning to happen for you a little bit now.

You know why? Because you feel you were bad.

You feel you failed, and you punished yourself.

You poked your thumbnail. You poked your fingers into the palm of your hand.

Have to do specific things.

Some very good things happened because you touched him.

You tried to do concrete things to him with your hands.

Then I would be appalled.

I would say, "She put her hands in her pockets." Kills you.

I just felt the dialogue was so, you know, stilted... that to do that was to make it even more stilted.

Darlin'...

No, no, no. No. No. When you do things, then the dialogue recedes into its proper place, and you won't even hear that it's stilted.

It isn't stilted. It's very beautiful.

Can I say one thing? Yeah.

Well, I don't understand how you can do a scene if, um, you don't understand the situation.

No, no, no. See, you don't... You don't work that way.

You don't- number one... understand and take in the whole emotional thing that you think the scene should have and then do it.

Don't make deals like, "I will only attack this scene if I understand the full emotional basis of it."

No. It won't work, because you're making deals with yourself.

You see, you're giving yourself impossible goals.

Do the small real things. Concrete, specific.

Hands, fingers. Hurt yourself with your own fingernail.

Bleed for your art a little. Wouldn't hurt.

You know? Okay, Lar?

Well, I was nervous.

It's, uh... It was tough to get involved.

I was aware of you, of the audience.

Whole time? No, no.

It went away, uh, when the scene was almost over.

Yeah? I was tense, nervous, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad.

That's not funny. I'm sorry.

Is everything a joke to you? Not everything.

See, you're joking right now, right? What do you want me to say?

Joking is what's doing you in.

Joking is the American actor's disease.

It's the American person's disease.

Because what you're doing is, you're keeping reality out so that it won't touch you.

The worst kind of joking you can do is to keep life out.

Commenting, editorializing, joking.

Terrible. Don't do it. It's fatal.

I don't know. I guess I'm... hiding from something.

I'm afraid of something in the scene, so I joke it away.

You're full of crap, Larry! Marco, please.

No, no. Let him talk. I'm running this class, right?

I know, but the man says I'm full of crap. I'd like to know why.

Even now, right this second, you're playing the intellectual game.

Can't you be real for one lousy goddamn second?

Marco, shut up.

I guess I do tend to intellectualize too much.

Aha! That's it. Now, look, everybody.

Embroider this on doilies, write it down in gold, that this is the most important thing you have been through in this class yet.

It may be very important for the rest of your life.

If you find out this one thing, you do not use your brain to keep the stuff out.

You use your brain to take it in.

But it's, uh... It's a tough scene to believe.

Of course it's tough. Any scene is tough to believe. That's why we're here, right?

Odets is to... Any playwright is tough.

Odets particularly. He's writing real... about real situations... but he's writing poetically.

He's heightened the thing. So it sounds artificial to your own ear.

But, you see, it wouldn't if you were in it.

It's only your objective ear that should not be operating while you're acting that makes it sound that way.

When you're in it, those words will be the most natural things in the world to you.

The point is, everything is tough simply because not everybody is Marlon Brando every week, you know?

I would settle for Laurence Olivier. Yeah.

I'd settle for Zasu Pitts.

Larry, how we doing on my carrot and celery?

Working. Hi, kiddo.

Hi, buddy. How are you?

I thought you were working. Lunch.

You wanna eat here? I'm not hungry.

Give me a large celery, carrot and cucumber.

Right.

How are you? You okay? I don't think so.

Why? What's the matter? Look, Larry, take a break.

I can't. What's the matter? I'm pregnant.

Where's my celery, carrot and cucumber? Are you sure?

Larry, where's my carrot, celery and cucumber?

It's working! Did you see a doctor?

Look, I don't wanna talk here.

Um...

Where's my juice? It's...

Who's this? This is Sarah, my girlfriend.

Beautiful skin. I'll be right back, Herb.

Where you goin'? Five minutes, Herb.

What do you mean, five minutes? This is the lunch hour!

My prime time! What are you doing to me?

What are we gonna do?

I don't know about you, but I'm gonna get an abortion.

It's too dangerous, Sarah. How much money you have?

I don't want you to go to some butcher.

I have about 100 dollars. Money is not the problem.

That man in the bar said he knew somebody.

Who, Barney? Forget it. Would you have a better idea?

Yes. We can get married.

No. Why not?

Larry, it's very sweet of you.

I mean, it really is, but... I don't think we should get married.

I mean, we both don't know what the hell we're doing anymore.

Oh, shit, this is bad timing!

I should've gotten the diaphragm a year ago.

I didn't know you a year ago. Don't be silly.

I thought you weren't sleeping with what's-his-name.

You know his name. Ed, the painter.

The big abstract expressionist from the postwar generation who was 20 years older than your father.

Screw you! I did. Look what happened.

You're not the first man I ever slept with.

You said you weren't sleeping with Ed. I lied.

Why? Because it's what you wanted to hear!

Who else? What's the difference?

We are talking about it, and I would like to know.

You have wonderful timing.

You're the first woman I ever got pregnant.

Not the last. That's up to you.

I mean it. Sarah, I'm willing to get married.

I want an abortion. I really do, Larry.

Okay.

Why didn't you wanna be a doctor instead of an actor?

You could've done the operation yourself. Sorry.

Yeah. I should've listened to my mother.

I'll have to see you later.

Good-bye, cookie.


Thanks for coming.

"Can I see another's grief and not seek for kind relief?"

What a drag. Would you like anything?

No, not for me, thanks. I would like a cappuccino and some cookies.

All right.

I remember my first abortion.

I was 17.

Somebody sent me to a Haitian woman in Brooklyn... Brooklyn Heights.

The first thing she asked me for was to see "de" money.

"When I see de money, I give you de answer."

So, I let her see the money.

Then, as casually as you might ask the time of day, she told me to wait outside.

Fifteen minutes later, it was over. How was the girl?

In pain. What are you, some kind of sadist?

I just want you to know what you're not getting yourself into.

By the way, it's 400 dollars.

You want to see the money? No.

Is he a good doctor? I mean, is he legitimate?

He's a she. A woman doctor?

She's good.

Did you have an affair with her? Of course.

Did you get her pregnant?

I mean, how apt, how perfect, if she gave herself an abortion.

We'd better go.

Let me know what happens. Yeah.

I'll call you. Bye-bye, Connie.

I did not have an affair with her.

You disappoint me, bubelah.

What's happening? I'm shopping for an abortion.

Lucky girl.

Look what I found.

What are you gonna call this one?

Freud. Maybe it'll help.

I left home after my first affair.

How old were you?

Nine and a half.

Who did you have the affair with? My sister.

She was 19. Ravishing beauty.

She looked like Gene Tierney. Oh, I love Gene Tierney.

She looks like, uh, a Chinese empress.

You should have seen my sister. What happened to her?

She joined a Carmelite order, became a nun.

She's a nun. She was.

Two years ago, she left the nunnery.

Where is she now? She's in Paris.

She's a member of a bizarre sadomasochistic, uh, sexual order.

Whips, chains, hot candles, that sort of thing.

Mmm, sounds like a fun person.

Hello. I'm Mrs. Stanton.

Oh, Mrs. Stanton, if you'll have a seat, the doctor will be with you in about 15 minutes.

Thank you very much.

Who do you read? I don't know.

Mostly plays.

Shaw, Shakespeare, O'Neill, Tolstoy, Faulkner...

Read Joyce? Yeah.

Eliot? Pound? No, I haven't read Pound.

You should.

What do you think of Dylan Thomas?

He's a great outfielder.

He's a brilliant poet. I've heard him read.

Read the poets. It'll help you as an actor.

How'd you get to be so smart?

I left home when I was 15.

The rest is genetic.

Were you bar mitzvahed?

You're really funny.

It's amazing.

Thank you. Good-bye.

How are you? Fine.

Thank you, Marsha. Call me, Robert.

I will. Bye.

Who's next? Mrs. Stanton.

Mrs. Stanton. How are you? Okay, thanks.

What happened? She gave me a shot to make me bleed.

If I bleed, she can do the abortion in the hospital.

I have to do push-ups, sit-ups, jumping, anything.

Then if I start bleeding, we call the hospital, and we pretend we're married.

Gee, I don't think I can pretend to be your husband.

Better learn how to act, kiddo.


Hi. How is she? Oh, she's fine.

Thank you, Miss Sweezen. You're welcome, Doctor.

I'd like to thank you for what you did.

Well, I'd love to deliver a baby for you and Sarah someday.

Well, maybe we'll be calling you. Can I see her?

Yeah. She's still groggy, but you can go in.

Okay, thanks. Uh, give my regards to Robert.

I will. Bye. Thanks.

Hiya, cookie. Hi.

So, how was it? The operation was a success.

What time is it? It's about 4:30.

I've gotta call my mother.

I just called Connie. She knows what to do.

Mommy? Hi.

No, I'm at Connie's place.

No, I'm eating dinner here.

I know. I should've called you. I'm sorry.

Listen, I'm gonna spend the night here, okay?

She has a... a sleep-away bed.

Yeah.

No, just the two of us.

No men.

Mother, I'm gonna spend the night at my friend Connie's.

What is the big deal?

Look, I'll come home right after work tomorrow.

Fine.

Say good-bye to Daddy for me, will you?

Bye.

Are you sure Connie knows what to do?

She knows what to do.

So, how are you, kid?

Strange. Grown up. Old.

Oh, it's the anesthesia.

Hey, Blanche, baby, I finally got you into the sack, huh, Blanche?

Excuse me, Mr. Lapinsky. I really think you ought to let your wife get a little rest now.

I'll see you in the morning.

Bye, Larry.


Hello, bubeleh. How are you?

I'm getting married!

Goodness gracious. Heavens to Betsy.

He's fantastic. He's tall, blond.

Not an intellectual, not a poet, not a painter.

A Communist? He's a sailor.

Are you kidding? No.

He's in the merchant marine.

He had to go to sea for a month.

That's why he's not here tonight. Marseilles and back.

He makes a lot of money. When did you meet him?

Last Thursday. We spent a week in bed. Last night he proposed.

His name is Timmy.

I love him madly.

Oh! Anita's marrying a sailor.

I sold a poem to The Sewanee Review.

Oh. Tell me about your sailor.

Robert, he is wonderful.

He's not an intellectual. He's not a poet. He's not a painter.

He is wonderful. This is it.

Oh! It's going to be so wonderful.

Hi. Hello.

Hi. My name's Marsha.

Oh, the famous Dr. Marsha. That's right.

Well, hello, hello.

Are you, uh, enjoying yourself?

Yes? Yeah, lovely.

Been to a rent party before? Never.

If my daddy could see me now, he'd have convulsions.

Where I come from, black men are considered dangerous.

We were taught that they were after our bodies.

You know what I used to do?

Whenever I saw a black man, I just looked the other way. I was terrified.

Then I moved to the Village, and I'll tell you something.

My daddy was right.

Black men are dangerous.

They do want your body.

I love black men. Love 'em!

Am I boring you, sugar?

I think I'm in love.

Seriously? Outrageously.

I met him in a bar this morning.

He's an incredible creature... tall, blond... sort of a butch Marlene Dietrich.

Bernstein's in love.

Oh. I met a most wonderful man this morning.

Oh, that was fast.

My dear, if it isn't fast, it isn't love.

Well, is he here?

No. He's a sailor.

Had to go to Marseilles for a month.

Oh, hi. Hi.

Bye-bye. How you doing?

When are we going to rehearse our scene again?

I'm sorry. I want to get back to it, but things have been crazy.

Are you okay? Yeah, just broke.

Well, you should go to Fox. They're looking for juvenile delinquent types for a film.

I'm in the theater, darling.

You can do good work in films.

Look at Brando. Look at Spencer Tracy.

Let's play subway. There's too many people.

It's a subway, isn't it? Just grab hangers. Fabulous.

Let's get this train moving.

Let's go. All aboard!

What stop is this?

Nostrand.

Next stop, Greenwich Village.

Lot of queers there.

Takes one to know one.

All right, ladies and gentlemen.

Don't panic. Please don't panic.

I have an announcement. I have an announcement.

This train is stalled.

We're stuck.

We're stuck. We'll have to wait until they get us back on the rail.

But don't panic. Don't panic.

Don't panic! Don't panic!

Oh, my God! We're stuck in Greenwich Village!

Oh, this always happens to me here.

Oh, my God. I'm late for work.

Hi. Hi. I'm Pablo Picasso.

Oh, hello, Pablo. I love your work.

Calm down, calm down. Ladies and gentlemen, calm down.

Shh!

Shh!

All right.

All right, ladies and gentlemen.

I think we're gonna be in this subway a long, long time.

No! I want you to try to conserve your energy.

I want you to try to save this precious air.

Let's play the truth game. What's the truth game?

Whoever gets pointed at has to tell the truth.

Right!

You're it. I'm it?

I see before me a man who, uh, uh, he's been painting the same canvas for the last three and a half years.

I see a man... uh, he seduces young virgins from Sarah Lawrence...

by pretending he's an artiste, when, in reality, he's a tap dancer.

Fuck you, Charlie.

I love black men, and that's the God's truth!

Would you like to know what I see?

Only if it's the truth.

I see the most gigantic ego in the history of mankind.

Marvelous.

I see a man who thinks that everything in skirts is in love with him.

Well, this is true.

I see charm, guile, poetry... and pain.

Gee, I don't see any of that.

Well, what do you see? I see... a wasteland of brainy, brainless, brimming brothels of bright, brilliant brimstones brandying brandy in a broken brouhaha... of gefilte fish.

I see the most beautiful girl in the whole wide world.

Oh!

Oh, I would like to put peanut butter on her frail body and eat it all up, and then I would like to have her caress me and love me and caress me some more.

Mmm!

Larry!

Oh!

We were in the neighborhood.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Pop.

Is this a party? No, dear, this is a subway.

What? We... We were playing a game.

Maybe we better come another time. Nonsense, Dad.

Come on, join the happy throng.

Dollar a head. I pay, they pay.

Come on, Mom. Let's dance.

Who are you? I'm Bernstein.

You're Jewish? No, darling, I'm gay.

I don't care how you feel. You're a great dancer.

You're not bad yourself, Mom.

Whoo!

Come on, everybody.

I love it! I love it!

Mom, what are you doing here? This is my class. You can't do this.

You think I'm your standard Jewish mother.

I'm a funny lady who just shouts and shrieks and wails.

Am I not blood?

Am I not a human being, with feelings... feelings like you and you and you, my son.

You think I took you to all those double features so I could get out of the house.

No, no. I want to be in show business too.

Why not? I can sing.


Bravo!

A golden voice! Bravo, bravo, bravo!

Bravo!


Oh, I love it!

I love it!

We used to go out dancing for fun.

Speakeasies.

Get ourselves nice and drunk.

And we'd do the Charleston.

In your whole life, you never once did the Charleston.

I was two left feet. Why don't you leave all that?

I'll clean it up in the morning. We never played games.

Subway? Never heard of such a thing.

Everybody's playing subway. Ike and Mamie play it in the White House.

I liked Truman. Oh, my feet are killing me.

Ben, make me a nice hot cup of coffee, huh?

I'll make it.

No, no.

You I want to talk to. Sit down.

Sit down.

One second. At least you're a Jewish girl, so...

Mrs. Lapinsky, Larry and I are not getting married.

No? So then, what are you doing?

We're not doing anything.

You know something? Do you think that I was born yesterday?

Faye. None of our business, Faye.

Mmm. It bothers you, I ask you a couple questions, huh?

Not really. I'm glad we finally met.

Oh.

If it was up to my son, we'd never meet. He's ashamed of me.

No, he's not. He's afraid of you.

Miss, don't be such a wise guy. Here you are.

Want something, Pop? Yeah, I want to go home.

I have to get up early.

I just got my coffee. You want to go home?

Well, I understand you and this pretty young lady...

Her name's Sarah, Mom. Yeah.

Sarah. Uh, you're not getting married, huh?

Where'd you read that? Walter Winchell?

Oh, another wise guy.

Am I wrong, or am I right? You're right.

Sarah is just my girlfriend.

All right then, so when are you gonna get married, huh?

You don't necessarily get married to your girlfriends these days.

Oh, so who do you marry, your boyfriends?

I told you, Greenwich Village is peculiar.

I see where you get your sense of humor from.

I got married, I was 18 years old. Nineteen.

I, uh...

I never knew another man. Well...

But in those days, you dated, then you got engaged and you got married.

There was no hanky-panky in between.

Maybe there should have been. Hey, Sarah.

Oh, no. Maybe she's right.

Who knows?

But what I do know is, nowadays they date, they never get engaged, they never get married, and there's lots of hanky-panky, right?

So you two, you two are, uh, you know, you...

Hanky-panky? Mom, Sarah and I are just good friends.

You know, I'm not as old-fashioned as you think I am, Son.

And what's the difference if I know the truth? You think I'm a monster.

It's none of your business. He's right.

You can't stop, can you? I'm a grown man.

I'm not a little boy anymore. I have an apartment.

I have a career. I have a life.

Some career. Four years you went to college.

You squeeze carrot juice in a nut house.

I am an actor! Don't yell at me.

Faye, it's time to go.

Look, miss, if you're sleeping with my son, it's your own business.

But if you're all so damn modern about it, why shouldn't I know about it?

What's the difference?

We've had sex. Thanks.

You had sex?

They had sex.

I wanna... I gotta go home.

I wanna go home! Mrs. Lapinsky, I was only kidding.

I didn't mean it. Mom. Stop it, Mom.

Calm down. I wanna go home!

I wanna go home!

Relax. Leave me alone. Leave me alone.

I was only kidding. She's a nice Jewish girl.

She was lying.

Hey, Mom, she was kidding.

I swear, I was joking.

She was only kidding, Mom.

Kidding? I was only kidding.

You were just kidding?

I swear I was joking.

We've never slept together.

Uh, all right.

Uh...

Come on, Ben. Let's go.

I-I-It's very nice to meet you, miss. You're...

You're a beautiful girl.

Uh, call.

Mrs. Lapinsky, it was nice meeting you too.

Uh, you know, you should have seen him in college.

His acting.

He's a genius. Uh...

His Hamlet, it was like you saw a work of art.

I'm ten years away from a good Hamlet.

Ben, tell her. Tell her. He was really... good.

Larry's very talented.

Uh, we could walk you to the subway.

We're... I'm gonna help clean up.

Good night, Mom.

You'll call me tomorrow? 4:00.

I'll call you tomorrow. 4:00.

All right. Good night.

Good night, Pop.

Oh, my God.

Great God in heaven, help me!

Help a poor Jewish boy.

Help my twisted brain.

She is unbelievable.

What did I tell you?

But she's smart. And she's kind of interesting.

There's something strange about her.

She invented the Oedipus complex.

But I like her.

She's kind of like a Jewish gypsy.

The crazy thing is while it's happening, I see the humor of it.

No matter how insane it gets, there's still a funny side.

You know what I mean?

I'm tired.

Larry. What's the matter?

I expect her to walk in any minute.

No hanky-panky?

No, I can't have sex till Monday.

You have cats' eyes.

I also have elephant ears.

I really want to go to Mexico.

I don't know who's crazier, you or my mother.

It's just postabortion blues.

Is it going to be soon at all?

What is your name? Clyde Baxter.

Just have a seat. It won't be long. Did you look at the list? Am I on the list?

Yeah. It's right here. I am?

Just have a seat. Yeah, you said that an hour ago.

We're running a little late.

Would it help if you had this?

Thank you. Just have a seat.

Just have a seat.

All right.

Uh, Kenny Shackle.

I believe I was before that man.

Was I not?

Was I before him or not?

I... I don't have to do this, you know.

You may not.

Boy, she's really something.

Yes, she is something.

I didn't study for six years to be treated like an animal.

You studied six years in New York?

Yes, in New York.

I studied with everybody... Sandy, with Stella. I'm with Lee now.

I don't... You're with Lee?

At the Actors Studio, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I'm studying with Herbert now.

Herbert?

I took a class with him.

I paid $40 for a month and the man talked for two hours.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, he talks a lot. I like him though.

Yeah? I was...

I was thinking of auditioning for the Studio one of these days.

Strasberg is a genius.

He'll kill you. He'll nail you if your work isn't specific.

Have you seen Brando work?

He's working on Hamlet right now. But he hasn't shown it.

He's a great actor.

My name is Clyde Baxter. Larry Lapinsky.

You gonna keep your name? Sure. Why not? Is it too Jewish?

No, it's just a difficult name.

What about Edward G. Robinson?

Morris Carnovsky? Cary Grant?

My real name is Charlie Belitnikoff.

Who's gonna remember that?

Larry Lapinsky.

Good luck. See you later, Charlie.

Clyde. My name is Clyde. Clyde. Sorry. Clyde.

Good luck.

I believe I was before him, was I not?

Just have a seat. Thank you.

They're not gonna go before me, are they?

Your name? My name? My name is Clyde Baxter.

Just have a seat, please.

Come on in.

Hi, kid. I'm Sid Weinberg. Larry Lapinsky.

Sit down, sit down.

That's Wally Beery.

That's a little before your time.

How old are you?

I'm about 19. You're about 24, 5.

I'm 22. I like your face for this picture.

You look like a tough kid.

Stand up, stand up.

Yeah. Yeah, hair, nose.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you got a real street look.

Where you from? Brooklyn.

Brownsville. Murder Incorporated, huh?

It was a tough neighborhood. I'm living in the Village now.

You're not a faigelah, are you? No, but I'm Jewish.

Comedian, huh?

I like that.

Now, look, kid. What's your name again?

Lapinsky. Larry Lapinsky, but I'd be willing to change it to Frank Reilley, if that would help.

Save the jokes for the screen test.

I want you to test for me in a studio here in New York.

If you get it, you're gonna have to fly out to the Coast.

Are you available? Are you kidding?

No. Now, don't count on anything.

There are about 100 guys up for this thing.

How does your mother feel about your acting career?

Do you know my mother? No, but I remember mine.

When I started out... this was in the old days... vaudeville, Keith Albee circuit...

Well, kid, when my mother found out I wanted to be a tap dancer, she punched me in the chops with her purse.

So I became a furniture salesman instead.

Come on, kid.

What was your name again? Lapinsky. Larry Lapinsky.

Good. Tell the girl to send another actor in.

Okay. Thanks a lot, Mr. Weinberg. You'll be hearing from us.


Hey, what's happening? Another suicide by Anita Cunningham.

Next time. I'm delivering a lecture tonight.

Hello, Anita. Anita, where are you?

I don't smell any gas. Whoo!

I smell cat piss.

Where are you?

Anita?

Timmy. Timmy, bubeleh, talk to me. Where is she?

This is your Aunt Connie. Where is Anita?

Tell me. Just tell me, where is Anita?

Speak to me, bubeleh. Speak to me.

Where is she?

Timmy, talk to me. She's dead.

What?

She's dead.

Don't. Don't go in there.

It's very bloody.

What are you talking about?

She cut her throat. Larry, call the police.

It's my fault.

Are you sure? I'm sure.

It's my fault. It's my fault.

Connect me with the police. This is an emergency.

Yes, I'd like to report a suicide.

You know where I first met her?

She was married to a poet named Millstein.

He was a house painter, so I hired him to paint my living room.

I didn't know Anita.

I didn't know Millstein.

So he comes over and I tell him to paint the living room off-white.

You know how tall Anita is?

Millstein was a head taller.

He was like an eagle. They're coming.

Yeah. So, he started painting the room, and, uh, I went into the bathroom to read.

About an hour later I come back to see maybe he wants coffee, something.

I walk out, I see the room doesn't look as if it's been painted at all.

And I see that he is dipping his brush into thin air, right next to the can of paint.

He is painting the wall with make-believe paint.

So I... I, uh... I called his house and Anita answered.

And she came over and she took him home.

And that, my dears, is how I met Anita Cunningham.

My fault.

It's my fault.

All right, put us on a bell, please, and let's have quiet.

Let's have real quiet this time.

Okay, Arthur? Yeah, looks good.

Give him another on the nose. He's too shiny.

Let's go, let's go.

Come on, let's have some quiet here. Come on.

You ready? Anytime, sir.

All right, roll sound.

Sticks.

Screen test number seven, Larry Lapinsky. Take one, sound one.

How old are you, Larry?

I'm 16 years old, man... 16 going on 23.

Where you from, Larry? Brownsville... Murder Incorporated territory.

Larry, have you any film experience?

Yeah. I made two pictures last year... one like this, and one like this.

You're a funny guy, eh?

I never made any movies, but I been in a lot of plays, both on and off Broadway, and I'm in the Studio... the Actors Studio with Marlon Brando.

That so? Yeah, man.

Studio's the greatest.

What have you done on Broadway?

I was in Mister Roberts. I was in it for three months.

What'd you play? Played a sailor.

You know, like one of the kids. Like a tough kid sailor.

Larry, would you slowly turn your head so we can see you full face and both profiles.

With pleasure, man.

Sid, can I see the right profile again?

Oh, yeah. Would you give us the right profile again?

Yeah. Front, Larry.

I have ten seconds left on your test, Larry Lapinsky.

Anything more you want to say?

Yeah, sure.

Not only do I think I could do a great job in this picture, but I am also starving and I could really use the work.

Cut.

You're very funny.

I think I was really nervous. No, no, no, you were very good.

Set up for the next test, will you, Paul?

You'll hear from us in a couple of weeks, as soon as they see the film on the Coast.

Thanks a lot, Mr. Weinberg.

Paul, I said I wanted it quiet. It was awfully noisy in that last take.

That was very, very noisy. It's continuing.

It doesn't stop and it's getting boring.

Lou, I don't want to pick you out, but you're making noise off-camera with the slate.

Okay.

If you want to chalk it, chalk it when the thing is over.

It's really boring. You holler for lunch...

Hey, don't you tell me who I holler for.

I'll take care of the slate. Please, please.

Wait a minute, now.

Stop it!

Stop it! We got three tests to go.

Fellas, let's cut it out! That was very smart, wearing the jacket.

Hey, how you doing? Thanks. You were funny.

Yeah, but was I any good?

You shouldn't have lied about being in the Studio.

Hey, man, I really need the job, huh?

I don't think that's very funny. I didn't mean...

I'm sorry, Charlie. Clyde. My name is Clyde Baxter.

Clyde. I'm sorry, Clyde.

Good luck.

Will you shut that door, please, kid?

I mean, I hope he gets the job. I hope everybody gets the job.

Could you please be a little quiet there? We're trying to make a shot now.

On the... Yeah, we're being quiet.

It's not "we." It's you, sir.

You are making noise, and you're not being quiet.

I don't like being singled out, if that's what you're trying to do.

Who do you want me to single out?

Is this a quiz? What is your name, please?

My name is Baxter. And are you here to audition for the part?

Yes, I am here to audition for the part.

I think you've failed your a-audition. I failed my a-a-a...

Get off the set. Beat it. Out.

Yeah, fine. It's fine with me.

Shut the door on your way out. Yeah, fine.

All right, Sid, you ready?

Okay. Action.

Screen test, Larry Lapinsky.

Take one, sound one.

Action!

We ride. Clear my head. We drive through the night.

When you mow down the night with your headlights, nobody gets you.

You're on top of the world then. Nobody laughs.

That's it. Speed. We're off the Earth. Unconnected.

Nothing. Useless.

No, we have each other, two together...

No! We have each other, two together.

Mom. We have each other.

Somewhere there are happy boys and girls who'll teach us their way of life.

I love you, Lorna.

Oh, Joe, we'll find a city where poverty is no shame and music is no crime.

Cut! Cut!

Print that! Fantastic!

Screen test, Larry Lapinsky.

Take two, sound two.

To be or not to be... that is the question.

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows...

Be a doctor! of outrageous fortune...

You schmuck face! And by opposing, end them.

Larry Lapinsky, you stink.

To sleep...


Come in.

Hi.

Good morning. Where is he?

Under the covers. Bernstein.

He won't speak.

He had a fight with the sailor, so he came over last night, we cried, then he got into bed, pulled the covers over his head, and basta, that's been it.

Bernstein.

Bernstein, I am talking to you.

Oh, stop already, you meshuggener.

Bernstein Chandler.

Come on, Bernstein. If you don't respond in a couple of seconds, I'm going to have to phone the police, and they will take you to the hospital.

Are you receiving me?

Come on. I know you're scared, but so are we.

All right, I'm gonna count to ten, and then... I'm gonna phone the police.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, nine and a half, ten.

I am now going to phone the cops.

Hi. Excuse me.

Please! I don't want anyone to look at me.

All right, baby, nobody's gonna look at you, but can you tell me, please, why not?

Because I don't want to look at anyone.

Well, is there something we can do for you?

I'm gonna make a cup of coffee. Anyone want some?

Would you like a cup of coffee?

Would you like something to eat?

Would you like a bedpan?

Oh!

"Bedpan" always gets a laugh.

You know why "bedpan" always gets a laugh?

Because bodily functions are funny.

Number one is funny.

Number two is very funny.

Belching is quite funny.

Farting is hysterically funny.

And various combinations are even funnier.

A belch and a number two is hysterically funny no matter how you cut it.

"Cut it." "Cutting them" is funny.

It's a funny phrase... "I cut one."

Can you imagine the king of England turning to the House of Lords and saying, "Gentlemen, I just cut one."

"Dump" is a funny word. "Screw" is not funny.

Sex is serious. Very serious.

Sex is the most serious thing in the whole world.

A guy who can't get it up is in worse trouble than a guy who died.

You know why? Because a guy who died doesn't know he died.

But seriously, folks... The funniest thing of all is this.

My real name is Floyd Lewis.

I was born in Macon, Georgia.

My mother died when I was three years old.

I don't know who my father is.

My life is a fiction... all made up, my dears.

No cleaning woman.

No family named Bernstein.

All fiction.

Only the "gay" is real.

My trade is real.

My tricks are real.

I've been brutalized physically and mentally.

I really am out of my mind.

So, please, let me stay under the covers.

I just want to stay under the covers.

This town is hot and it's shitty and sweaty and grimy.

I'm going to Mexico City next week.

Are you serious? I'm buying my ticket tomorrow.

Why? Why not?

Well, I can't go. I'm waiting on that screen test.

I'd like to go.

We can't.

Is there any rule against having fun?

We can't afford it. We spent all our money on...

I'll lend you the money.

What, did you just come into an inheritance?

No. I just know some wealthy ladies who have a thing for poets.

I wouldn't mind going somewhere.

Then let's all go. Well, what about Bernstein?

We'll wrap him up, take him with us.

I can't go. Yes, you can.

Hey, Sarah, I just told you I can't go.

Well, I can.

What does that mean?

It means I can go. It means I'm not a prisoner.

Do you think you're my prisoner? Sometimes.

Then go fuck yourself and go to Tibet. I don't care what you do.

When do you find out about that screen test?

I don't know.

You have to know soon. In about a week or two.

Why don't you wait until you find out and then join us?

And what if I get the part?

Then I'll come back.

I'd like to talk to you.

Sure.

I got it. I'll see you later.

Bye-bye. Bye.

I would like another cup of coffee and another pack of cigarettes.

No, make that a pot of coffee and a carton of cigarettes.

They'll be okay. I don't know.

Worry about yourself once in a while.

I worry about myself all the time. Yeah?

Tell me about it.

There's nothing to tell.

You are the funniest girl I ever met.

So nice being called a girl.

Would you like to come back to my place and make love for an hour or two?

I don't think I can walk up seven flights.

It's easy on the way down.

All right, let's go, bubeleh, before you change your mind.

I don't want you going to Mexico without me.

Tough.

I'm warning you, Sarah.

I want to talk to you. No.

Please. No.

You hurt my arm. I'm sorry.

Nobody owns me.

Nobody!

Do you have any gum? My mouth tastes rotten.

Here.

Let's make love.

Okay.


Do you have your diaphragm?

Mm-hmm.

Put it on.

I'm wearing it.

Robert?

Mm-hmm.

I thought so.

I'm sorry. You fuckin' bitch.

You bitch! You bastard! You bitch!

You couldn't stay away from him, could you?

Huh?

I love him.

You're full of shit. You love yourself.

How did it happen? What is the difference?

How the fuck did it happen? Will you tell me how it happened?

Will you tell me?


I won't hurt you anymore.

I...

I don't know why I did it.

I didn't plan it.

I, uh, went to Robert's, and we talked...

and then we made love.

I don't know anything else.

Why did you come up here?

I... I don't know.

If I go to Mexico with you, is it over with Robert?

No.


I love you, Sarah. I know.

I'll always love you.

No, you won't.

Always.

Larry?

Larry, darling, you home? We were...

We were in the neighborhood, so we thought that we...

Oh, my God. Faye, I think we ought to go home.

Look, you're gonna marry her.

You hear me? You're gonna marry her.

We'll have a fast ceremony.

Honey, I don't know your mother and father.

How could we? Nobody introduced us.

But I'm sure your father has got enough money for some kind of a decent wedding.

Faye.

Faye, let's go, huh? Put your pants on!

Can we go now, Faye? What are you talking about?

Don't you see what's going on around here?

It's none of our business, damn it!

He's a grown man!

Good-bye, Larry. What do you mean?

So long, Sarah.

What do you mean?

What's the matter? What's happening here?

It's crazy that...

Larry, tell me.

Baby, what's the matter?

You know, I got... I almost forgot.

I-I...

I bought you the new Jussi Björling record.

It's an aria from Verdi's Tosca.

Ben, play the record for him.

Oh. Oh, you should hear him sing.

That man has a voice.

I don't think that's Tosca.

What-What's going on? Tell me, honey. What?

What...

Ben.

Make him... Make him talk to me.

I don't understand such kind of people.

I don't under...

Greenwich Village. Greenwich Village!


You gonna hit me? I don't know.

That's a funny thing about me... I've never been hit by a man.

Do you love Sarah? No.

Was she good? What do you want?

I like you, Larry. Come on! Was she good?

First times are usually rotten. I may hit you.

I like Sarah. I don't love her.

Have you ever been in love?

I don't think so. I believe you.

I did run away from home when I was 15.

I knew I wanted to be a writer.

I knew.

I also knew I wanted to sleep with a lot of different women.

What can I tell you? People get hurt.

I'll tell you something, Robert.

Underneath that pose is just more pose.

Adios.


When are you leaving? - Mañana.

Oy vey. I have a heavy heart.

How's Bernstein?

He's coming. We'll meet them in Mexico City.

You can say their names. Oh, I love you.

I hope they get married and have twin poets.

A little anger fits you nicely.

Coffee?

What I don't understand is why you're going.

I want to see the ruins.

You're gonna sit around and wait until he dumps her.

You can say their names.

I love you.

I do.

Really love you.

Come on. I'll buy you a cappuccino.

Is Bernstein really okay?

He says he's gonna find some beautiful Mexican trade and live happily ever after.

That was a terrible thing with the Rosenbergs.

I'm not a politician, but they didn't have to burn them in the electric chair.

I went to the demonstration in Union Square.

A waste of time, demonstrations.

If Eisenhower wouldn't stop it, what good is demonstrations?

Truman could have stopped it.

They're all politicians! It's a waste of time.

Morning. Good morning, Mr. Elkins.

How do you feel today? My head feels good.

My stomach feels good too. Wonderful.

But I didn't sleep ten minutes last night.

Now the tongue, please.

Larry, make Mr. Elkins a cabbage and broccoli juice while I prepare a cup of rose hips tea.

Who? Larry Lapinsky?

What is this with the calls at work? Some man wants to talk to you.

Hello? What is this, a telephone service?

Hi, Mr. Weinberg.

I'm trying to run a business, and they get telephone calls.

Yeah? All right. That's gratitude for you.

Thank you. Bring the boy in...

What is this? Nothing, Herb. I just got another job.

At a delicatessen? No. In a movie.

In a feature film. I got an acting job.

I'm going to leave for the Coast on Friday.

Coast? Coast? What coast?

Hollywood. Los Angeles, California. Wonderful!

You're not pulling my leg? No, Herb.

I got an acting job in a movie!

Oh, my God. That's terrific! That's fabulous!

Helen, did you hear that? I know. Congratulations.

My Larry got a job in the movies.

What about my cabbage and broccoli juice?

You got it. One cabbage and broccoli juice comin' right up.

How do you like that? I got a Hollywood star making juice for me.

Did I tell you this kid had something?

Herb, we're running short on cabbage here.

I want an autographed eight-by-ten glossy as soon as you get one, you hear, Larry?

Okay. I'll put it right on the wall over the juicer.

That was good.

That was good, Mom. Well, I better be going.

Where you going? You just got here.

I gotta pack and everything.

Be careful on the airplane.

It's first class. How many engines does it have?

Four, I think. Four?

Four is safe. Four is safe.

How do you know four is safe? I read it at the candy store.

Larry, what happened with you and that girl?

Her name is Sarah. Sarah. What happened?

She ran off with a friend of mine to Mexico.

They teach you to lie like that in Greenwich Village?

You're a funny lady, Mom.

My life has not been very funny.

I'm going. Wait! You...

So long, Pop. Good-bye, Son.

Mom, please, no crying.

Promise me you won't get a big head.

And promise me you'll always remember where you come from.

I promise, Mom.

Remember your grandmother, how she got out of Poland.

She had to sneak across the border in a wagon covered with potatoes.

And the guards, they stuck bayonets into the sacks.

That's where you came from.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Uh...

Apple strudel for the plane.

What am I gonna do with apple strudel on a plane?

You'll eat it. That's what you'll do with it.

I told you he'd get angry. I'm not angry.

I'm crazy, but I'm not angry. So long.

Sweetheart, Larry? Yeah, Mom?

Listen, if you ever actually meet Clark Gable, tell him that your mother loved him all of her life, and she saw every picture he ever did.

I'll tell him, Mom.

Oh, Larry? Write. I will.

Would you promise you'll write every day?

I promise, Mom. And you'll call once in a while?

That's why we put a phone in.

I'll write every day, and I'll call every other day.

How's that?

Larry?

Be a good actor.

Let's go. Come on. Let's go. Come on! Give me the ball!

Larry? Larry! Hi, Mrs. Tupperman.

I was sorry to hear about you and that girlfriend of yours.

Yeah. So was I.

So, how is Greenwich Village treating you?

Didn't you hear? I'm going to Hollywood.

I'm gonna act in a movie. Hollywood?

So long, Mrs. Tupperman.

Be careful, Larry.


I got it, I got it, I got it!