Nice Dreams (1981) Script

* hey, homes, why don't you come along *

* and take a little trip with cheech and chong *

* we'll take you on a magic ride *

* with business on the other side *

* the other side

* we'll take you on a wild scheme *

* to places you ain't never seen *

* say, would you like to have some ice cream *

* hmm, little girl

* you're gonna see things that are outta sight *

* you'll be laughin' all through the night *

* so get ready for some nice dreams *

* hmm, little girl *

where we supposed to meet this dude? at the beach, man. beach? this is a lot of beach. where on the beach? at the end of the block there. we got plenty of time. if we get there early, we'll just rehearse. don't eat it all, man. it doesn't matter. we've got plenty. we're rich. this looks like a good spot.

what's that song you were working on? that protest song. "save the whales"? yeah, i guess that's it. yeah, yeah. play.

* save the whales

* hey, funky mama save the whales *

* hey, pretty baby save those whales *

* save those big, fat funky whales *

* well, save all the whales

* but shoot the seals yeah *

* oh, shoot them seals

* oh, the seals eat all the fish *

* ah, shoot the seals

*i never know how it feels

* yeah

* and if you think i'm funky for wantin' to shoot all the seals *

* save your breath

* save your breath how ya doin'? is it all there? one, two, three--

* here's an extra one don't give it to your children * all right, man. check ya later. thanks a lot.

* save those whales * it's good ice cream, man. trip out. this is homing pigeon. homing pigeon to mother coop. come in. this is a hit. score! touchdown and payday! they bought it. i mean, we bought it. homing pigeon. mother coop come in. homing pigeon to six-x. limo preparing to leave. the sarge is gonna cream for this. we got 'em! this is homing pigeon to mother coop. come in. mother coop, come in. homing pigeon to mother coop. go ahead. they're gettin' in the truck, startin' to pull away. in pursuit! this is 38 apple baker. over. we're in pursuit. ten-four. in pursuit. your direction of travel? homing pigeon, your direction of travel? damn it! homing pigeon, come in. this car's not starting. hello! help here! homing pigeon to mother coop. gimme the whirlybird unit. gimme the whirlybird unit! we can't get this sucker goin'! whirlybird unit, come in, please! whirlybird unit! damn it! they're heading down ocean avenue now. homing pigeon, come in. come in, whirlybird! homing pigeon to whirlybird. come in! aw, shit! homing pigeon, please repeat. hey, man, that dude looked kinda straight to be buyin' dope. don't worry. i checked him out myself. he ain't a cop. i can smell cops a mile away, man. they smell like coffee and doughnuts. we're rich, man. how much money do we have now? altogether? let me figure it out. yeah, altogether. we're out 22 days. i wanna get me more guitars, man. we got $17 million, man. no! no, man. we got 17 something. we're rich, man. we got a lot of money. let's buy a villa in costa rica, man. that'd be great. i'm gonna get more guitars. yeah? i wanna get a fender. i don't like fenders. i'll get one anyway! let's get one of them big white houses, like with a veranda. like with a porch, and be sitting out there sippin' pina "colonics," man. pina colonics? yeah. what's that? they make 'em in a blender, you know? oh, yeah, yeah. we'll have topless ladies, man. we'll make ourselves sun kings. we'll buy a little land, put two chairs on a little hill. every day at noon we'll go up there, man, then all the natives will bow down to us, and we'll throw 'em joints. i like to help the little people. that's important in life. maybe i'll get a mustang. better get your driver's license first. that pendejo judge, man. maybe i'll buy a judge. then i could get my license back. i always dreamed, if we ever made it rich i'd get me a guitar. hi, guys. hey, how ya-- wow! hi, ladies. we like your truck. oh, thanks a lot. you guy have any big sticks for us? i mean really big sticks? yeah, we got really big sticks. how about nice, hot, juicy sticks? you guys can get in the back with us.

come on, get after 'em. they want a big stick, man. did you see that? that's a '55 bel air convertible, man. mint condition.

be right there. you want a big stick?

we lost 'em. no, there's the car! right over there. we'll pull in, man. what a bitchin' car, man. right. you want a big stick, it comes with special delivery. my dad had one, man. i used to drive it all the time. wonder if they want to sell it. or give it away. it looks like dad's car, man. i could sure tell soon enough. tell by the stains in the backseat. god, look at this. nah, the upholstery's too nice.

* the men are here come on, baby, i'm gonna stick it in your ear *

hey, man, big stick. hey, baby want a big stick? uh, hi. uh, want a big stick? we're in your neighborhood giving away free big sticks to all the dudes who live here. hey, man, where's the broads that own that car out there?

we gotta go now. we'll talk to 'em later. i wanna talk to 'em. man, be cool. take it easy. see ya later. i wanna ask about the car, man. don't get too big.

you gonna arrest a brother? you gonna do that? i wasn't even there, man. i can dig it.

come on, brother! let me talk to you.


yeah, pass.

sarge? yeah. we got it. they bought it. i mean, we bought it. they fell for it. noodles, clear this area off. noodles! clear this area off. move it. that's it, sarge. those clowns fell for it. got 'em right where we want 'em. we just have to move in for the bust. they got the marked bills. we gotta get 'em now. come on, give us the go-ahead! wait a minute. did you have this stuff analyzed? what's to analyze? smell it. it's marijuana. listen! you know we cannot trust our own instincts. take this to the analyzer and have it "labbed." yes, sir. ah! i'll take care of it. what do you want us to do, sarge? i want you to leave. leave! right now. we're leaving. noodles, let's leave! we're leaving, sarge. we'll be right outside in case you need us. come on, noodles! noodles! come on, noodles, move it.


the only way to catch a doper... is when you yourself become a smoker.

surest way to make them bleed... is when you bust their ass... and steal their weed.

sarge? sarge? not now. i need my space.


yeah, that'd be hip, man.

hey, ray, what's happening, man? all right!

oh, hi, ladies. how ya doin'? all right. you guys thirsty? ooh, i got some good water for you. suck it up! you're so thirsty. i know. i haven't give you no water in a long time, huh? ooh, yeah. there you go.

oooh, juahaca. oooh, sen si. how are you, my darling? god, your buds are getting so big. i'll have to get you a training bra. got some lint in your bellybutton there. there you go. not bad. you guys be cool.

that's it smile nice for the camera. all right. gotcha now. mother coop, this is two-henry-ten. come in. nice little smile, you weed sucker you. we got the suspect dead-bang in the front bay window... sniffin' the evidence. ten-four. maintain surveillance. ten-four. we got him! we got him!

that was a good riff you guys were workin' on, that little jam there. we just gotta add a part to it. we're gonna probably put a bridge on it, right? look at the joe-papers, man. we got a little deal here. where'd you get them? i got a deal with 'em, man. i met one of their representatives. he wants me to try out his papers for a year. yeah? and let him know how they work. what do you get? just get more papers. oh, that's heavy. i'll save a lot of money. i go through a lot of paper. ray, we need more wine too, man. what kind you want this time? some of this fussy pussy. that's nice. smells good. oh, come on. fussy pussy? yeah. it's french, man. is that maid still workin' here? yeah. how hungry are you guys? i could eat a whale. great toss. she said she refuses to clean your room. she ain't made my bed for a week! what's wrong with that bitch? said you couldn't pay her to go in there. i'm sorry. when is don gettin' back? don said he'd be back around christmas for a day. then he's goin' out-- he just finished madison square garden, then he's got a date in miami. then he's gonna go-- well, he's got dublin, and then london. then he's gonna go to switzerland, and then he's gonna go to scandinavia. he's got a weird date in guam, and he's gonna end up in borneo. would you like yours medium rare? that one's raw. didn't he already go to borneo? he went there once, but they called him back again. this is burnt, man! hold on. i'm gonna make some pizza. put some cheese on it. that'll be good. you like pickles with tortillas, ray? i'm so hungry, i'll even take that. i forgot about australia. here's a pizza. it's good. watch out, it's hot. man, don't feed him that shit. that's good, man. after he gets to australia, he goes to-- it's burned, man. look here. he's got a long, involved tour, man. that dude's never gonna be home, huh? no, we're cool with the pad. but when he does get home, he's coming back to the studio. have you talked to that accountant lately? green? i don't want to complain, but we haven't got our check in, like, a couple weeks. we can't be doin' this shit for nothin'. i talked to him yesterday. what'd he say? he said your money's on the way. and i was thinkin' about a raise too. there's goes that smoke alarm again. i told you not to smoke that shit in the kitchen. it's that cookin'. gimme a hit. you better get two bottles of fuzzy pussy, man.

* save the whales

hey, man, remind me to get some vitamin b-12.

vitamin b-12? and some gro-mulch too. what for? for plants in the game room. they're getting droopy. piss on 'em. hey, man, show some respect. that's a cash crop. i'm serious, man. piss on 'em. what? i read somewhere that if you pee on a plant it'll do better... because of some kind of vitamin in your pee. i just read it somewhere. yeah. you got a point there. just let your hair grow, and nobody'll find out.

"piss on it." there could be something to it, man.

you know what i think we should invest in? what? a rest home for old hippies. yeah?

'cause hippies have been around since the '60s, you know? and there really isn't like a hip place for 'em to go when they get real old. the way i see it, it's like a regular rest home... except you got all the dope you can smoke for these old people. we can call it "laid back manor." yeah! hey, great! that'd be heavy. because, you know, like-- what do people do when they get old? they usually keep 'em stoned, laid back. they nod off. yeah, nod off.

when we talk to weird jimmy, let me do all the talkin'.

'cause he gets spaced out, man. whatever i say, just go along with it. okay? yeah, okay.

'cause he gets zoned, man. let me do all the talking, and everything will be cool. you know what i want to do when i die, man? what? i wanna get cremated, man. then i want to get my ashes put in a baggie, you know? then i'm gonna have my friends-- we'll have a party and everybody'll smoke me. mix it in with some good shit, you know? remind me not to be one of your friends when you die. or you could snort me too. yeah. or shove you. he's doing great, huh? yeah.

hey, jimmy! whatcha doin'? makin' twice pipes? what's happenin', homes? this place is gettin' weirder. no shit, man. like a mad doctor. how you been, jimmy? hmm. those buds you gave us the other day, they were great. i swear to god! small. small. those were the biggest buds i ever saw, man! you think we could get some more? those were really good. we gave 'em to some of our friends. damn, electric weed, man! it's gonna be monster weed, huh? the buds you gave us, they were very real. we were doing these tests under clinical party conditions. we gave 'em to a bunch of our friends. they'd like some more. do you think we could get more of them buds? no. no buds, no buds! they're not for us. they're for needy weed heads... no buds! that got glaucoma down at the teen center, like disabled vets and stuff. you know, we could pay for 'em. we just need some, 'cause they're really asking for it. if it was just for me, i would say "no." no, no. well-- you think maybe you could part with just a few? we'd pay for 'em. i swear to god. no, no, no. no. please, man? come on, please. ah-ha-ha! yes, yes. yeah? hey, all right! thanks a lot, man. yes. you're a really good dude, man. we gotta split. keep working. you're doin' good. all right.

* space ranger

hey, sarge? you burnin' some stuff in there? i sure would like some. gimme some of that.

it'd be like a tractor-trailer. one of them big tractor-trailers with a diesel thing on it. we could haul this stuff all over the place. we could have like a disco in the back, you know? and like a health food place too. isn't that heavy? then we could have our whole thing together wherever we go, you know? we could have a sleeper and jacuzzi, a sauna. you know? hey, chief, how ya doin'? good seein' ya. got something for you, man. hey.

this bud's for you. wow! let me lay somethin' on ya. that's okay, man. hey, thanks, man. shirts, my man. shirts here. thanks, man. have some more. no, that's great, man. that's enough. there's more here. thanks a lot. some of these bulls' balls. these are the hottest things goin'. wow! thanks, man. hey, thanks. here's a bag. thanks a lot, man.

creep!


thanks. oh, wow! thanks a lot, man.

what happened? i broke my nail! i broke my nail!

what happened, man?

come on, man, let's go. come on, man. come on, push. up, up. push! push! push! you're not tryin'. okay, one more! come on, push! push! push it! you're not trying!

that's a good one. look what vinnie gave me. oh, man, i--

hey, jimmy! hey, jimmy the genius! where is he? i don't know, man. he's gotta be here somewhere. whoa! hey, homes! all right! jimmy! god dog, man! god, man! jimmy, that's heavy-duty! how'd you get him to learn how to smoke that joint? hey, homes, are you trippin'? what is that? that's a-- i don't know. that's a lizard, man. yeah, it's an ugly lizard too. shit! jimmy, you should be on that show, "really incredible heavy-duty dudes," man. you can be a guest weirdo. jimmy, can we have some more buds? thanks a lot. we'll take care of the place for you. don't worry about nothin'. let's change that music, man. look. it's happening right now. you see it? it's happening. look, look, look! that's incredible. it's happening. that's amazing. that's incredible. sarge, look. it's happening right now. can you believe that? look! that's amazing! it's just like the report said. right, fu? okay. yes. we took that marijuana you gave us and we tested it. and this smoke no, this smoke yes. never mind that technical talk, fu. what he means is, anyone who smokes that stuff is gonna turn into one of these lizards! we gotta bust these guys, sarge. we gotta bust 'em now! can we bust 'em now? can we? huh? right! noodles, come on, let's go! sarge? can we get you anything sarge? bugs. bugs? what? bug off! just bug off! get out of here! noodles, come on! move it! let's go. would you just listen to me? hey, big boy. come here, sweetheart. tell this nice officer who i really am. robbery unit! we're freelance entertainers. apple baker mary! drooler speaking. dig this. you have a "go" on operation get 'em. got it? good! go get 'em! noodles, noodles! move it! listen to me. i'm gonna have my attorney explain to you, i'm a freelance entertainer--

roger, mother coop. we're ten-20 at trancas beach, moving up on broad beach road. now approaching cannabis cultivation center. cowboy, move your ass over a bit. roger there, papa bear. we're movin' over. there it is. follow me in. holy shit! you see what i see, old man? let's take care of business.

jesus christ! look at those titties! holy mother of pearl! take us down, old man! take us down! we're talkin' about... wild naked titties on the beach down there! forget about titties! we have a bust to think about.

wow, those choppers are low today, man. yeah.

if they only knew what we're doing down here, huh? ahh! cowboy, look at those pink nipples! nipples hell! look at them tender, young asses! all right, you've seen the tits. let's get back to work. what're we doing up here? put her down. a-j, code five. they're gettin' low! huh? i said, they're gettin' low! we got a rip in the tarp. shit! where's the ladder? over there, man!

hold it steady. all right, i got it. get me some rope, man. what? get me some rope. rope? what kind? hurry up! never mind what kind! don't be so stupid! get me some rope! hurry up! all right! hey, i got some!

i got the rope, man. are you okay? man, are you okay? yeah. never mind about me, man. fix the tarp.

hand me the flap. i need some rope! well, put the rope on it. where's the rope? it's on the floor. i don't know. hurry up. okay, cowboy, let's set these birds down. roger, papa bear. here it comes. hurry! do something! there he is! there he is! look out! hey, you're leanin' on my stick!

get back over there.

hey, cowboy, where the hell you goin'? he's on my stick!

hey, get off my stick!


cowboy, we're settin' down on the beach. i'm comin', baby. sit right in my face and beat me with a wet towel.

papa bear, those two suspects are flying the coop!

i hear you, cowboy. we're trying to find a place to sit. man, look at that!


hey, man! come on! quit fuckin' around. we gotta get out of here! you're gettin' too laid back! come on!

mother coop, we have two suspects in custody. returning to base. stop it, noodles! noodles, stop it. no more! stop it! stop it! jesus, noodles, you're driving me nuts. turn that damn tv off, will ya? it's giving me a headache. my eyes are killing me. let's get some light on. all right, you two guys. we're gonna go through it one more time, boys. where are those two guys? who's your boss? are you workin' for them? huh? come on! hi, sarge. i can't get a damn thing out of these two guys. they ain't talkin'. sarge. this is all i could get out of 'em. buds. good. big. good, buds, big. big good buds. good big buds. good-- i don't know what to make of it, sarge. big. big? big, big, big. big buds. big good-- mr. big! ah, mr. big! noodles, it's mr. big! mr. big is good. mr. big is bud. mr. big is bud's-- bud good. mr. big is bud good. that's it. we gotta bust bud good, right? we gotta bust him, sarge? no, no, i knew that. noodles, why don't you help me? tail. tail, tail. we tail bud good! tail. that's what we do. we tail bud good. i knew it. you're a genius. we tail bud good to mr. big. that's it! let's get these two guys outta here! no, i'll leave 'em. you'll probably want to talk to him. you're comin' with us. come on, let's go. come on! get it up! come on, noodles, we got work to do. we're tailin' bud good to mr. big. we gotta find bud good. you're coming with us. move it! move it! good luck, sarge. but i couldn't get a damn thing outta that guy. come on, move it!

you have beautiful eyes. yes, you do.

huh?

ah, yeah.

doesn't that sound like a good idea? we'll but some land, we'll start vatoland. vatoland? just like disneyland, man. except for vatos, right? we can get land in fontana by the gypsum plant. it'd be heavy. i'd like to start guitarland. no, we could have guitarland in vatoland. just guitars. everywhere you go, there's a guitar there. yeah, that'd be heavy. in vatoland, the rides would be low rides, man. get it? excuse me, sir. yeah. you could have walls you could rent spray cans on. just do your own graffiti. that'd be heavy, huh? have gang fights. yeah! every night you could bring in a different gang, like a guest gang. special guest appearances. wouldn't that be heavy? whoo, mama! looky here! ah, hey. oh! do i know you? i hope not. do you know me? do i know you? no, i don't know you. that's why i carry american express. isn't that funny? seriously, you look very familiar to me. yeah, no problem there. no, you do! when i remember, i will remember. always the beasts remember me. who was that? i don't know, man! you can tell me, man. i don't know what you do at night. i remember! i remember! yoo-hoo-hoo! you're so wonderful. i must've been drunk. i was a flower child too, you know. sitting on the grass, listening to your music permeate the air. you're brilliant! oh, my god! i have every album you ever made! how they used to scream for you and die for you. you're holdin' up beautifully. you are holding up so well. guess what. i handle musicians myself. you do? i do, and they're brilliant. they're called the hot rollers. ah, a sign of the times, right? girls, come here. get ready for them. they're wonderful. yeah. now we're talkin'. this here is brunetta. this is auburnetta. this is platinum. hi. this is-- there's ash. right over there is dishwater. can they play? they play wonderful! i'd like to play with them. oh, can they play! i don't handle bumpkins. girls, hold yourselves. meet jerry garcia of the grateful dead. jerry garcia, man!

we clap for you. we clap for you. i'm not jerry-- quit kickin'! quit kickin', man! isn't he wonderful? i'm not jerry garcia. i'm santana. you have a beautiful tan, man. beautiful. i'm sorry. that's okay. i handle musicians too. my youth came flashing back! my foot is in my mouth! oh, my god! listen, i was born to make mistakes like anybody else. i'm sorry. forgive us. we didn't mean it. have a wonderful dinner. enjoy this restaurant. please. all right. thank you. i'm sorry. that's okay. maybe we can get together and party later. yeah. all right. that broad stole our food. hey, gargoyle, more food! we're rich. don't worry about it, man. excuse. i'm so sorry. your girlfriend's here. do you know how sorry i am? don't feel bad you're not him. he's him and you're you, and you're fine just the way you are, you know? forget about him! i wanna meet you. my name is sidney and i'm an agent. i am an agent here! how can you tell? guess what. i handle look-alikes. yes! you do? and if ever you are hungry, sad and lamenting, starving, i want you to call me. i'm gonna give you my card. sure, give me the card. you call me, god bless you. i'll call you. here's my card. give her a call, man. call her late at night. this is my card. sidney the agent. there's my phone number. when you call, and i hope you do-- i want you to wait 20 rings... because i have to climb down two flights of stairs to the phone booth. but i'm tryin', you know? we're all tryin'! i want you to know that you're a blessed person. have a good time. enjoy, please. all right. she did it again, man. she stole my plate that time. gargoyle, more food! we're rich, man.

what you want? a lobster. oh, man, look what's comin' in the door this time.

we're all right, now. it's the night of the living dead. all right! ahh! i don't believe it! i don't believe it! my baby! yo, shit!

where'd you go, my baby? it's your turn. hi. hello. i love you. how come you didn't call me? you're the guy from the hamburger train, right? nope. yeah, hamburger. you're bitin' me. what? do you still have my panties? my panties! donna! yes, it's me! i didn't recognize you! ah, you pendejo! i can't believe it! i went to high school with this chick. we went to high school together. mmm, you know about those girls they're dipping in wax at the wax museum? let's get out of here, man. hey! sister quaalude. good evening. how would you like to cherish this moment in pictures? we have wallet-size for $5. if you have a big wallet, it's $10. no, thanks. you're a lovely group. i want a picture! get your picture taken. we'll pay for it. i want a memory of you. listen, i have a picture-- i want a picture of my tattoo. it's very special. okay? maybe your friend would like to get into the picture. everybody come in the picture. no, go ahead. all right. i have a tattoo of all my boyfriends.

got the picture? really, you better look at it.

neato! this place is fun. i like this place. sit down, baby. call me!

she was supposed to be a nun. she was going in the convent the next day. then we had a date and she never made it to the convent. she's been chewin' disco biscuits, man. some wild people, man. donna? where'd she go?

yeah, i got one too.

what? ooh, this is fun!

no lobster. how 'bout squid? yeah, squid's fine. squid's good. that one's plugged up. this is what i need, man.

what're you guys doin' under there? come down, baby.

it's dark down here. hey, where'd everyone go? that's good shit, man. yeah, that's--

oh, here you are. hey, donna. what's the matter? i better take her home. she don't look like she could drive too good, man. i'm in control, so i better take her home. thanks a lot. it was really nice meetin' you. be sure to take care of the money, okay? i got it. keep your eye on the money, man. thanks a lot, man. come on, donna. i didn't have my chop suey. that's okay. i didn't have my chop suey. come on. so how you been? i've been fine. you're lookin' good. i know. i had my hair done. it's okay. we're with the grateful dead.

man, no, uh-- how 'bout the future of rock and roll? future of rock and roll. bruce springsteen is fuckin' it all up. can we have a check? hey, shh, shh. bruce springsteen is fuckin' the whole thing up. bruce springsteen? new wave, new wave. new wave? new wave! yeah, yeah. say, you got any of that for sale? wanna sell some of that? i sell seashells. seashells? yeah. can we have a check, somebody? yeah.

oh, push! harder! put your legs up. no, put 'em down. push! move your butt over here. no, no, put your legs down. push!

i can't get it. it's stuck. shit! i didn't feel a thing. i can't get the zipper. it's stuck. what'd you put on it, crazy glue? i don't know. wait a minute. wait. wait a minute. wait a minute. god, i have another idea. yeah! let's take it off from the back! no, no, no!

look, there's other ways, you know. oh, yeah! yeah! why don't we do it with our clothes on? with our clothes on?

let me try this again.

all right! hey, i got it. hey.

hey, donna. hey! hey!

look. it works real good now.

come on, baby. don't you wanna be awake for this?

hey, what do you want me to do? she's passed out. what would you do? yeah, i bet! let's put a vote to it. how many guys would do it? let me see your hands. all right. how many guys wouldn't do it? hey, forget you!


don't worry about it. they can't do nothin'. what do you mean? if they look inside my truck, we're busted. hey, man, they can't-- you, you, against the car. you too. ah, donna, ma'am, you were goin' to tell me exactly where you live. it's that high-rise building with the glass elevator. can't miss it. 714. very good. nobody moves! hey, man. what are you doing here? are you crazy, man? excuse me. we hit the jackpot! they ain't gonna do nothing. believe me. they can't. what do you mean, they can't do nothing? illegal search and seizure. i'm serious. they broke the law coming in on private property with their guns out. that's against the law. what are you doin' coming here with that truck and music? what's wrong with you? what are you doing here anyways? i was returning the truck. what're you doing here? i was-- every time you do coke, this happens. every time you do coke you get all crazy. you name it, he's done it. i'm gonna go bust him. oh! just come over here. just put that back in there. there you go. what are you doing? you see, i want you to think about this. we could have ourselves a real problem here. you wanna bust those guys? you know what's gonna happen? yeah. what? we gonna spend the next four days doing paperwork. and then we're gonna spend every spare minute we got in court. and in the end, you know what they're gonna do? they're gonna let 'em go. let 'em go? so know what we're gonna do? we're not gonna get busted. we got a whole truck full of dope, man. they're just gonna come over and say, "oh, you guys can just go," huh?

you guys can just go. just a minute, man. hey, no, no, uh-uh. i know my rights, man. you can't just come over and say "you can go" just like that. forget about it. you guys come in here and you shot a hole in our clown, man. you didn't hear that. we just said you could go. so why don't you just go? yeah, let's go. forget it, man. even if you searched the truck and found drugs, that would be illegal search and seizure. forget it, man! hey, you're wrong! forget the going, man. they're wrong. they're wrong, man. i don't have a license. he doesn't even have a license. if he had anything on us, he'd stop us, man.

* home sweet home don't do that! she might have fallen. you know what? listen. i feel like doing something real freaky, you know? oh, yeah? like what? well, you're gonna think that i'm really weird. but-- what floor? oh, push seven. and it takes us all the way up. listen, you're gonna think i'm weird, but... i never made it with two guys before. what? and you wanna make it with me? two guys at the same time? yeah. i've done everything twice, but i've never made it with two guys, especially you two guys. we do that all the time. you do? oh, yeah, yeah. ain't that right, man? with two guys? oh, no, no. like with a girl at the same time. oh! what room are you in? shh! we gotta be quiet, man.

'cause people around here have been complaining about me being too loud!

well, how do you like it? oh, it's nice! wait a minute, wait a minute. i gotta get into something more comfortable. oh, yeah, get into something more comfortable. that's a good idea.

you guys don't even want a half a "lude"? oh, yeah, yeah, that's good.

what do you see? well, what's happening? come on, come on. tell me, what's going on? let me take a peek for cryin' out loud. let me look! what are they doin'? can you see 'em? come on, give me a look. let me take a peek. oh, we need ice. what? ice? ice. we need ice cubes. this chick did this thing with this guy... and it lasts for a long time. yeah, we need ice! go get some ice! yeah! go down the hall and to the left. yeah, get a lot of ice. ice, huh? oh, god, it drives me crazy. i never heard of that. all right! get a lot of ice, man!


hello? who? animal? when did you get out? you broke out? no, you're not coming up here, man. uh-uh. listen-- hey, listen. i got a mexican here that'll kick your ass. yeah! and-- he hung up on me. shit! who was that? that was my old man. your old man? yeah. i didn't know you had an old man. we're kinda married, you know. y-you're married? mm-hmm. where is your old man right now? he said he was in the lobby, but don't worry. in the lobby?

* double your pleasure double your fun *

open up in there, goddamn it!

don't go now. where're you going? come on, open up or i'll break the door down. there's nobody home. i'm gonna answer it. don't open it! who is it? who? all right, i'll let you in, but the door's jammed. oh. who is it? let go of the knob and i'll let you in. let go of the-- this door is always jammed.

what's so funny? let me look at it. let me see. what are they doin'? what are they doin'? oh, it's just you with the ice! i got the ice. the ice man! oh, shit, man. hey!

hey, man! hey, let me in, man! hey! hey-- hey, man, let me in. hey. hey! open the door, man! let me in! come on, man, stop fuckin' around, let me in! hey, look at me! hey-y-y!

hey, man! hey, man, i ain't bullshittin'. let me in. hey! hey-y-y-y!

ah-h-h-h. hey, man! i need some help. hey, man! come on, noodles. let me have a peek. they're my glasses. let me have a look. can i? come on. noodles, let me-- i should've parked on the other side of the street. hey, man!

don't do anything to antagonize him. he stepped on my towel. i'll buy you a new one. god, he's dirty-lookin'. harry, i'm so scared. harry! i think we should leave.

hi. oh. oh! oh, no. please. oh, yes. don't look. no.

ow!

aah! what are you doing up there?

aah! aah! oh, shit! i asked him. noodles wouldn't let me have it, so big deal.


there's nobody home. hey, open the door.

hey, take off, cheech. i'm busy. hey, open the door.

"hey"? hey's not here.

hey, open the door. hey, take off, cheech. i'll be out in a minute. donna. he told you! there's nobody here.

oh, man! i don't believe this! where's that wetback son of a bitch? i'm gonna kill him. hey, man! help! do you have any idea how much those doors cost? killing's too damn good for him. you know what i'm gonna do with him? why don't you call next time you're gonna come?

* i can't get no

* satisfaction think i care, noodles? i don't even care.

* i can't get no what?

* satisfaction ohhh!

where's that menudo-eating son of a bitch? where the hell is he? drag your ass out here! come on, taco-head! you under here? you gonna kill my ass? get out here!

you have no, no class. that's what you are! you animal! i love you like that, baby! get out of my life! you creep!

help! help! press the button! press the button! yeah. no, don't make it go up. make it go down.

animal, quit slobbering all over me!

please, please, please.

* i can't get no

* satisfaction *

oh, shit! help, somebody, please. press the button.

aaaah!


hey, man, open this door. let me in, man, come on. there's a monster in here, man. there's gonna be a monster alongside your head if you don't open up this door. come on! no, really, there's a big biker in here. he kicked the door in. biker? is his name animal? i don't know, man. shit, he almost killed me, man. shit. come on, open the door. let me get my clothes. it's open, man. oh. oh, yeah. shit! where's my clothes? oh, man, he's sleeping on 'em. just wear his clothes. let's get outta here. eew, man, they're alive! help me find something. here, here. wear this. i can't wear that. that's stupid. help me find something, man. oh, the money. these don't fit! oh, right, i gave it to the hamburger dude. man, this is stupid! god! come on, man! come on, let's get outta here. man, this is stupid. oh, ha-ha-ha. you're very funny, man. so funny, i forgot to laugh. shit. man, where's our money? i cashed a check for the hamburger dude. what? you gave him our money? let me-- i trust the dude. you took a check for all our money? well, that-- it's good. it's a check, man. ohhh, shit, man! all the money we worked for, all the stuff we sold you gave him the money, man? he gave me the check. how long we been dealing? three months. and what's the first thing you learn? don't take a check! how we gonna cash this thing? the way you cash checks. take it to a bank and give 'em the check. you go to the bank and you cash checks and they ask, "could i see some i.d.?" you got any i.d.? you got a driver's license? no. you got a library card? no. you can't read! if you could read, you could see "bank of dumb shit." how we gonna cash this? oh, man, there goes our island. there goes our topless waitresses, man, our pina "colonics" in the sun. there goes our guitar in every room. no room! i can't believe you gave him-- see, that's what happens every time you do coke, man. i swear to god. wait a minute, man. every time! every time i do, you get on that "every time you do coke" rap. that's right, man. it goes straight to your brain. it messes it up. you're not gonna have a brain no more, man. listen, there's a lot of smart dudes do coke. like who? sherlock holmes does coke. and he isn't so stupid. sherlock holmes? sherlock, let's go find our money. god! you gave him all our money. excuse me, ma'am. i hope she has a friend for me. for your sake, i hope she does too, partner.

thanks a lot, man. i mean, ladies. bye-bye. those were the ugliest chicks i ever saw in my life. man, if they're so ugly, how come you were hittin' on them? i wasn't hittin' on 'em. that part about askin' if they were models, man. i was tryin' to be nice. models for kal-kan dog food. it's over here, man. come on, let's get our money. toodle! anytime, big boys. it was our pleasure!

noodles, they fell for it. that disguise worked perf-- you were absolutely right. this is a perfect disguise. good thinking, noodles. let's go tell sarge.

what are you doing? noodles, what are you doing? keep your hands to yourself. damn car! noodles, let me alone. noodles, get your hands off me! goddamn it! noodles, stay away! noodles! goddamn! get this thing started. let go of that. come on, noodles, not now. keep your hands to yourself. goddamn it! noodles! it's locked up. there's nobody home. i can't believe you were so stupid, man. you gave him all our money. let's go home. no, man. we ain't goin' no place till we get our money. i can't believe you were so stupid. what are you doin'? i'm gonna get our money. i don't care. god, you're so dumb sometimes. i get so tired of thinking for both of us, my brain's gettin' tired. don't just stand there. give me a hand, man. so stupid. god! if brains was gun powder, you wouldn't have enough to blow your nose, man. i hope there's no dogs here.

hey, man! stop fuckin' around, man. let's get our money. i knew that was you! shut up, man. so stupid. woof! that's real funny. ha! it's so funny, i forgot to laugh. ow! ow! watch out for that branch. hey, man, watch out. what does poison oak look like? you're so stupid. look at the size of that place. that must have cost a fortune. no question about it. this is definitely mr. big's joint. yeah. well, nothing's moving so i think we're here for the night. looks like it's going to be a long night, noodles.

knock it off, noodles. just knock it off! don't even think about it.


come on, man, let's get outta here. this place is weird. you don't have to save my life. it's the dude! hey, hamburger dude! remember me? remember us? i met you in chinatown. no! listen. remember the check we gave you? it was a mistake. we shouldn't have given you the check. we gotta get the money back. more cheeseburgers. thank god we found him. money's gone. money's gone. what? hey, hamburger dude, wait up! hey, man! get him, man. i'll go around the back. hey, lady, i'm first! oh, you-- i'm glad i found you. we gotta have our money back. i'm goin' up to get my medication. i'm first for everything. hey, man, there was a mistake. you shouldn't have got that money. i ain't bullshittin' with you! give me my money back! i ain't bullshittin' with you! come on!

hey, man, they're taking me. help! this is a mistake, man! i'm first! i'm first! i'll never do coke again! let me go! please! this is a mistake, man!

hey! hey!

my balls itch!


my balls itch. cheech?

hey, man! cheech! hey, man! where are you? hey, i'm over here. hey! cheech! yes! i'm right here, man. where are ya? i'm right here.

oh, wow. where you been, man? man, they chained me up. they put me in here, man. i've been looking all over for you, man. we're in a nuthouse. you know where we are? we're in a nuthouse. yeah. hey, man, they got me chained up, man. yeah, they got you chained up. come on, man. get me outta here, man. these people are nuts! hey, get the key, man. get the key. it's locked up. it's locked up. i gotta get a key. get the key. yeah. hey, they think i'm the doctor, man. yeah? they put me in charge of medication. let's have it. i'll be right back, man. don't go away. okay, hurry up. get the key and get me outta here, man. hurry up, man! and, man, scratch my balls, man! hey! hey, man!

anybody, scratch my balls!

noodles, i'm worried about the sarge. he's so strange lately. he's not himself. it's like-- i don't know if this case is gettin' to him, or it's his diet, but he's-- notice how pale he's been lookin'? pasty kind of lookin', you know?

i'm lockin' up now. you got your keys? listen, i'll talk to you when you get off the wall, all right? bye. grapefruit. i think that's probably what he needs. more grapefruit and more sunshine. cheech? cheech? hey, man, in here. hey, man, we lucked out. i found a real doctor, man. he says he can help us. do you have the key? i got the key right here. oh, thank god. get me outta here, man. i'm not really crazy. this is a big mistake that we're in here, man. you want the key? please, doc, get me outta here. let me be free. i just want the key, okay? you're sure you want to be free? yeah, i want to be free. just give me the key, okay, please? come here. stick out your tongue. what? stick out your tongue.

there's the key. the key? this is not the key. i want the key! that's the key to the universe.

wait a minute. get me outta here. hey, give me some of that. that's a key for you. what was it? no, don't tell me. i want it to be a surprise.

you're feeling free already.


hey, man. hey, i got the key, man.

hey, man.

hey, man. all right, what's happenin'? my name is jimmy. i'm gonna do one song before i get back into my box. yeah.

* purple haze all in my brain *

* what's this negro doin' on this stage *

* i act funny but i'm doin' all right *

* excuse me while i kiss this fly *

right this way, please. right this way, please.

hey, don't worry about it. they can't do this to you. hey! hey, believe me. you're okay, you're all right. don't worry about it. hey, would i lie? hey, trust me. hey, believe me. they can't do this to you. and if they do, don't worry about it. we'll get back at 'em. hey, we'll get back at 'em, you hear me? because they can't do this to you! just a minute. yeah, hello. oh, governor! oh, thank god. wow, what a relief! yeah, we were on our way. really? oh, great. that's great to hear, governor. yeah. yeah. that's not for you. go ahead. yeah, governor. don't i love it. love it, love it. yeah. have your girl call my girl, we'll talk.

don't be frightened. it's just me. i'm so sorry. boys, there's been a terrible mistake. howie is going to say something to you, aren't you, howie? i'm going to get you out of this as quickly as possible. howie, now say-- come on, say your little speech. i'm sorry i took the money. that's it. i'm sorry i took the money! i'm sorry! i'm sorry! that's enough, howie. that's enough, dear. that's just fine. boys, all the money is here. come along, howie. sorry. i just want to apologize to you again, tell you how sorry i am about the mistake. i'm terribly sorry. and if there's anything i can do for you, please don't hesitate to ask. come along, howie. sorry. time for your lobotomy.

i'm not sorry i took the money!

oh. oh, man. my head. i still got a head. oh, money!

it's all here! all right, you two, come on out with your hands up. this is the police. detective drooler speaking. let's get outta here. hey, out here. where you goin'? don't worry about it, just follow me. come on. hey, man.

you clowns really thought you were pretty smart trying to sneak out on us, huh? the only thing that gets me is that you actually thought you could get away with it. i did it, i did it all! i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm awfully sorry. yeah, sure, you're sorry. about the sorriest thing i seen all week. don't be frightened. you people, you've made a terrible mistake. mr. big, huh? well, you're not so big now, are you? right, boss? yeah, it's always guys like you that try to get away with it. oh, mr. lizard! would you care for a hamburger?


come on, man. it's time to go to work.

hey.

oh, man! what the-- what're you doin', man? you're stupid, man. god! come on, let's go to work.

stupid, man. if you hadn't lost all our money we wouldn't be doing this. what are you bitchin' about, man? we got it made. oh, man, so stupid. hey, you wanted to be in paradise, man. we're in paradise. this is not exactly what i had in mind. come on, let's go to work. come on, ladies, let's give it to 'em, huh? all right! man, this is stupid. what are you bitchin' about? it's fun. listen, we're sun kings in paradise. it's not what i had in mind. ladies, hold on. we have a special treat. club paradise proudly presents maui and wowie, the sun kings!


hey, man, help! hey, man, help! help me!

* save the whales


* ohhh-oh-oo-wee

* ohhh-oh-oo-wee

* oooh

* ahh

* save the whales

* save the whales

* save 'em

* come on, save 'em

* save the whales yeah, yeah *

* save 'em

* come on, save 'em

* save 'em yeah, yeah *

* oh-oh

* save 'em

* come on, save 'em

* ah-ah oh-oh

* save the whales

* whales, whales, whales save 'em *

* come on, save 'em *