Greetings from Martin's Cult Movies
How ...Oh, I just got in.
No, I mean I literally just stepped off the plane.
I'm not even in the terminal yet.
Fucking assholes! Where the fuck have you been?
You know, we have missed one plane, and now we're gonna miss another one!
You know, this is my ass on the line, and if I lose my job because of you crazy...
Hey. That's 30 bucks.
Here you go. Keep the change.
Come on, guys. Let's ...What are you doing?
Hello? Could we please go?
All right. Let's go. Let's go. Let's...
Come on, you guys. Get it together. It's this way.
Okay. Okay. I'll call him.
No, I promise I'll call him just as soon as I get my luggage.
Oh, no, I'm really looking forward to it.
The white zone is for immediate loading... and unloading of passengers only.
Yeah, this is Corky, car number 36. Boss told me to call in.
Hello. Victoria Snelling calling for Mr. Pitt.
Yes, I can wait.
Hey, Ray. It's me, Corky. I'm phoning in.
Yeah, I'm out at the airport.
Oh, I don't know. It's the executive terminal or something.
I don't know. I've never been here before.
No, man. Everything's cool.
But listen. This car runs like shit, man.
I had to pull the plugs myself this afternoon.
Yeah, I know I'm not, but you better tell Gonzalez to get his ass in gear... or else I'm gonna have to be your fucking mechanic.
Larry. Larry, Victoria.
Yes. I'm... I'm at the airport. Excuse all the noise.
I'm... I'm at the baggage claim.
Well, I...I, um...
I'm hoping that you have some good news for me about that last actress I sent you.
No, man. Everything's great.
In fact, I got a really big tip from these, like, musician dudes.
Hey, Ray. Have you ever heard of a band called Utensil?
No, listen. I brought back seven tapes... of... of the most sensational young actresses in the country.
No, not just New York. Uh, Chicago...
Hey, they're all unknown. Yes.
Oh, they're wonderful. They are just so wonderful.
I... I like them all.
It... It really has to be your decision.
You know, why don't I bring them by?
I'll just stop by my house for a few minutes and then I'll come right over. - Yeah, I got you, Ray.
We'll sit down, and we'll look at 'em together, okay?
Okay. I'll get a fare here, then I'll head back downtown. - Take it easy.
You're just gonna love one of these kids. Don't worry about nothin', boss.
Relax, okay? See you in a few.
Hey, Ray. I'm not a kid, okay?
Hey, you need a cab, lady?
Yeah, I guess I do. Yeah, I'm right here.
You're a taxi driver? Yeah.
Okay. I, uh...
Yeah. Why not?
The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only.
No parking. Do not leave your car unattended.
Due to the curb security alert... all unattended cars may be towed away immediately.
For your safety and security... do not leave your baggage unattended.
Be careful with that, will you? I'm a little in love with my luggage.
No problem, lady.
Ah, ah! I'll carry that with me. Thank you.
Let me get...
I need that leg. Sorry.
Just take it. Sorry.
Yeah. You in?
Yes. Thank you.
The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only.
What? What's wrong? Oh, fuck.
Nothin'. Damn it.
Beverly Hills, please.
What's the matter?
Oh, I left my phone book back in the suitcase with all my numbers in it.
I'm afraid we'll have to pull over... Is it listed?
Listed? - Yes, it's a... it's a hotel I've called a million...
Why, thank you. Thank you.
No problem. Just pass it back up when you're done.
Are you okay without it up there?
Don't worry about it.
Suite 216, please.
Yes. I, uh ...I just spoke to him.
Oh, he's going nuts as usual. Ricocheting off the walls.
I don't know what to do with him anymore.
I sent him 10 actresses who were perf... Well... six of them were perfect.
But he just keeps ...he keeps wanting them younger and younger.
Now he wants someone 18 with absolutely no experience... but the nerves of a paratrooper.
He's not human. I think he's an android.
Listen. I'm gonna have to go over there with those tapes..
I brought back from, uh...
Carol, I... I, uh... I'm going...
I... I'm supposed to have dinner with Peter and Shera tonight.
Will you hold on a second, please? Miss.
Would you please, uh... just turn the music off?
This is my day.
Okay. Where were we?
Oh, yes. W-Will you call them and explain and tell them why I can't?
Listen. Were there any messages for me?
Carol... did Mr. Kincade call?
Okay then. I will, um...
I'll ...I'll talk to you tomorrow.
Is Mr. Kincade, like, your boyfriend?
Yes, he is.
At least I think he is.
Guys... Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em.
Yeah. You can say that again.
Oh, your phone book. Here. Thanks a lot.
Boy, it sure gets dark fast in the winter, doesn't it?
Driving at night doesn't seem to bother you.
Why should it?
Oh, with me it's a big problem. I have night blindness.
Is that, like, something that happens when you get old?
No. No. Actually, it isn't. Uh...
It has nothing to do with age. I've had it all my life.
Fuckin'-A, man. That's fucked.
Oh, thank you.
You know, it really isn't any of my business, but you smoke too much.
You're really happy driving this taxi, aren't you?
I mean, yeah. It's a cool job.
But, I mean, is that your whole goal in life?
Is there somethin' wrong with that?
No, no, no. I'm sorry. I... I...
I really didn't mean that the way it sounded.
Yeah, well, I'll tell you somethin'.
I don't always want to be a cabdriver.
What do you really want to be? A mechanic.
I practically know all there is to know about it.
Both my brothers are mechanics.
They're older than me, but, you know, 'cause I'm, like, a girl, and I'm, like... still kind of young and all, I gotta kind of, like, work up to it, you know.
What about marriage and a family?
Definitely. Definitely want a family.
Boys though. Lots of boys.
Girls are nice too, I think.
Yeah. Maybe some girls too.
But, you know, like, that stuff ...that's all beside the point.
The real problem is to find a good guy for the father.
Tell me about it.
Well, I'm real particular, you know.
And I'm also patient enough. I mean, at least I hope I am.
'Cause, you know... I don't know... maybe you gotta wait a while, you know...
'cause, like, maybe it's not so easy to find, like, the exact right guy, you know.
Like, the one guy, you know?
Another mechanic maybe. Hell, I don't care what he does.
As long as he loves me right.
With his soul.
You know, takes me for who I am.
I know what you mean.
Like Popeye says, "I am what I am."
Yes. You certainly are.
Hello? Oh, hi, Marty.
Yes. I talked to him.
Of course I know what he wants. I've heard it a hundred times.
Oh, Marty. Go ahead. Just tell me again.
Try driving school, you fucking nimrod!
I may be having a brilliant streak right here in the taxi.
Yes, I'm really in a taxi.
No, I can't tell you right now.
Um... all I can say is...
I have an idea.
No. That's why I don't tell you things, Marty.
I'm sorry I sound calm. I assure you I'm hysterical.
I'll call you the minute I know anything.
Good-bye, Mar... Good-bye, Marty.
All right. This is Beverly Drive coming up. Where to?
Uh, just turn right on Beverly Court... then follow the hill up to Beverly Circle, please.
It's up on the left. 971.
Want me to take these in the house for you? - No. Uh, that's okay.
Just put 'em over there, please. No, I got it. It's my job.
Okay, that'll be, um, 33 bucks, please.
Okay. Uh, no. Keep the ...Keep the change.
Can I ask you something?
Now, this is gonna sound a little crazy to you, but, uh...
Well, I'm a casting agent.
That means that I go out and I find people.
You know, for really big movies.
And I've been observing you.
And I... I honestly think you have something special.
As a matter of fact, I'm casting a part right ...right now that I think you'd be perfect for.
This is a... a terrific part.
You could be a movie star.
What, like right now? Well, yeah.
I really wouldn't want to do that, you know.
I mean, I have a job. I really wouldn't want to lose this job, you know.
I really wouldn't want to fuck things up right now, you know.
You understand, right?
Well... let's not be hasty.
Um, I'm... I'm... I'm serious about this, you know.
I just want to be sure you understand what I'm offering you.
Yeah, but, you know, I'm a cabdriver.
You know, this is what I do.
Like I told you, I'm gonna be a mechanic.
I don't want to press you. I really don't. Um...
But I just want to make sure that I understand.
Are you saying that you... you just wouldn't be interested in being a movie star?
Nah. Hey, you could be a mechanic later.
Everyone wants to be a movie star.
Look, lady. You know, I like the movies and all.
And ...And I see you're being serious, you know.
But that's not a real life for me. You know?
I mean, I'm sure there's tons of girls who wanna be in the movies and all... and, you know, I...
I'm not saying it right.
It's just that I have everything planned out for me, you know?
I mean, everything's going just right for me now.
Well, you can't beat that, can you?
But, you know, I mean, I appreciate it.
Thanks for the tip. You bet.
Take it easy. Sure, mom.
Oh, shut up.
Yo, yo, yo, yo, taxi! Shit.
Gotta get a taxi, man.
Here we go. Taxi!
Taxi! Yo, man. Right here.
Right here. Whoo! Right.
This is the ticket. Yo, what's up?
Brooklyn, man. Yo! Yo, man! You suck, man!
I got your plate number! I'm gonna call the T.L.C.I Come on, man. Somebody pick me up.
Yeah. Come on. Pick me up. What's...
There's a million fuckin' cabs out here.
Yeah. That's the ticket. This is gonna get me home.
Shit. It's gonna get my ass home, man.
I got cash, man!
Taxi. Look. I got the cash right here.
Taxi. Come on, man.
Come on, man! What... What...
Fuck all y'all!
No, you ain't gettin' ...You ain't takin' my cab now. You ain't takin' my cab.
That's right. Just keep walkin'. Yeah. That's right.
Shit. They know you desperate. That's all it is. What am I, invisible, man?
I don't give a fuck. Get me a taxi. Have my name on it too.
You go to Brooklyn?
Hello. How are you?
I wanna go to Brooklyn.
Uh, come in, sir.
You know how to get to Brooklyn? "Brookland"?
Uh, better you show me.
Yeah. All right. Look.
Phew. Go straight down Broadway, and then I'll explain as we go.
Hey, what's up?
What? You new at this? You ...You got ...You got it in park.
Hey, man. You gotta put it in drive.
"D"! "D" is to drive.
Put the motherfucker in drive! Yeah, yeah. "D" is to drive.
Hey, what's ...What you doin', man? Hey, what ...Hey!
Hey, man. What's wrong with the car? Hey. It's automatic.
Hey. No, no, man. It ain't automatic.
Yo. Yo, man. What's wrong with- Hey, look. What's ...What's up, man?
It's automatic. Pull over, man!
Just pull the fuck over! Yeah. Pull over right here, man.
Hey, man. I don't think this shit's gonna work out, man. I'm gonna get me another cab.
Oh, no, no. Please. Please.
You are ...You are my... my most best customer.
No, man. Look, you ain't takin' me to Brooklyn. You can't even drive!
But you want taxi. I am a taxi. I am here. Taxi.
I know you are a taxi. But I'm gonna get me another taxi.
But no. No. Uh...
It's important. It's very, very important to me.
All right. All right.
I'll go to Brooklyn, all right? We will go to Brooklyn.
But you let me drive.
See, I drive and you ride.
I'll pay the fare and all that.
But I drive.
No. No. It's...
- What do you mean, no? It's not allowed. Not allowed.
Look. Yeah, it's allowed. This is New York.
New York. New York.
In big fucking trouble.
Do you understand? Yeah.
Do you understand what I am... what I am saying? - Yeah.
Please drive careful.
Uh, drive... drive careful.
Yo, man. I know how to drive. - No... No accident.
No accident. Get in. No accident.
But don't tell. Don't tell.
Who am I gonna tell, man? Look...
Look, man. Just relax, all right? Job. Go.
Just wait a minute, all right? Look at this. You didn't even turn the meter on.
First thing you gotta do is turn that fuckin' meter on.
See, it turns the light off on top. That means you're occupied.
I am ...Yes, I am oc... occupied. Occupied. Yes. There.
Then you gotta put it in "D." You see?
I... I know that.
Hey, don't be saying nothing bad, man. I understand that shit.
- Put it in "D." "D" is for drive. Ja.
Just ...Just chill out, all right?
It's New York. It's cool.
Ja. It's cold. It's cool.
Nah, nah, nah. You know, it's hip. It's cool. It's happening.
Ah, I understand. "It's cool is good.
Goes good. Goes good.
Yeah. Yeah. Goes good.
In English we say, "It's good to go."
It's good to go. Yeah.
It's good to go. That's good.
It's good to go. It's good.
Good to go. Yeah. Yeah, man. Just chill, all right?
We have the same ...We have the same hat.
What? The same hat.
No. No, no. Mine's different. Oh, no. It's the same hat.
Mine's different, man... This is different here. This...
Mine's ...Mine's the newest, latest. Mine's fresh.
No. The ear things here. The same.
Ear. This ... No, man. Look, mine is the... the hype.
What is this? Hype? The hype.
What's a hype? It's fresh.
Fresh. Fresh hat. It's the jammy. The newest, latest.
Fresh hat. It sounds good.
Fresh hat. Right.
So where you from anyway?
From, uh, Germany. Eastern Germany.
Eastern Germany? Yeah.
From the city of Dresden, which is close to Czechoslovakia. Uh...
Close to what?
Main town. Prague.
Huh. What, you ...you escape from there?
No, no. I was free to go.
You got a family over there?
I have no family.
So, uh... what'd you do over there before you came over here...
'cause I know you sure didn't drive no cab!
I was a circus clown.
Get the fuck outta here.
No, no, no. I ...Wait. I'll show you.
That's some bugged-out shit, man.
What's your name, man?
Helmut Grokenberger. Here. There. You can read it. That's me.
That's your name? Yeah.
That's a fucked-up name to be naming your kid. Helmet.
See, 'cause in English, a helmet would be, like... you know, like something you wear on your head, you know?
You know. A ...A helmet.
In English, that'd be like calling your kid, uh...
Oh, shit. Uh...
"Lampshade." Some shit like that.
"Hey, Lampshade! Come here and clean up your room!"
So, what's your name?
Yo Yo. It's my name.
Yo Yo? What? Yo Yo.
Yo Yo. Yo Yo.
Yo Yo. It's, uh No, it ...it ain't got nothing to do with that. It's my name. Yo Yo.
It's a toy for ki ...Yo Yo.
Ain't got nothin' to do with that, man. Okay. Okay.
Your name Yo Yo. My name Helmut.
Yo Yo, Helmut.
It's good. Helmet.
What the fuck is she doin' out here?
- Goddamn it! What has happened?
There she goes again, man. Fuckin' up again as usual.
What has happened?
Just be cool, Helmet. I'll be right back.
Where the fuck are you goin', man? Where you goin'? What are you doin'?
What are you doing, Yo Yo? Get the fuck off me!
Hey, don't be grabbing my clothes, man! Then get the fuck off me, man!
Ain't nobody on the street. Where you goin'? Where you steppin' to?
What are you so concerned about what the fuck am I doing? - I'm concerned!
Why you so fuckin' stupid? Party here. Party there. Always partyin'.
It's none of your fuckin' business. It is my business. I'm family.
- You're not my family! You're supposed to be home with your husband.
He knows where I'm at! I doubt if he knows where you're at.
He's Don't be touchin' me no more.
I'm not touchin' you. Angela, listen to me. All right? - What? What?
What's up with you? It's a family thing, all right? Step off.
Angela, come on. Oh, man.
No, man. I don't... What are you ... Come on.
- Don't be hittin' on me. Then get the fuck off me, man!
Get in the car, Angela.
Get in the fuckin' car. Come on. Who the fuck are you - Get off!.
Get the fuck off of me, man!
Get the fuck off of me! Get in the car. Get in the car.
Angela, just calm down. Just calm down.
Get the fuck off of me! Get in the car. Angela, get in the car.
Don't make me have to hurt you.
Don't be kickin' me. Don't be kickin'.
Shit. What the fuck are you doin'?
What you doin'?
Let me out of this car!
What the fuck is your problem, man?
What the fuck is your fuckin' problem, man? - You're my problem!
No, you're my fuckin' problem. Angela, don't be cursin' me out.
Well, fuck you, fuck you and fuck you! Look, Angela. Just shut up!
No, you shut up. Don't be telling me to shut up.
Shut up! You shut up!
No, you shut up! Shit.
You know what your fuckin' problem is, Yo Yo?
You don't realize that you're wearing your ass on your head.
Oh, hey, don't worry, Helmet, man. It's just a family thing.
You're not my fuckin' family. Look, I am your family.
You ain't shit to me. - I'm your brother-in-law, all right?
Angela, just calm down! Don't tell me to calm down!
She's really beautiful. She's beautiful.
Yeah, you think so, huh? Yes.
Thanks. You're welcome.
What's your name? Helmet.
His name is Helmet Lampshade or some shit like that. - Oh, fuck you, all right?
Don't fuck with me. No, no. My name is Helmut Grokenberger.
Here. You can read it. Helmut Grokenberger.
I'm driving with a fuckin' idiot and some clown.
Oh, yes. I am a clown.
Yeah, Angela. It's true.
Shut up! No, it's true. Check it out.
Shut up. Hey. Come on, Helmet. Show her.
Do that horn thing you did, man. Ah, yes.
That shit is so bugged, man!
What the hell are you doing?
Thank you. See, what'd I tell you, Angela?
Helmet, man. Forget about her.
Check it out, man. Brooklyn Bridge. Right over there.
That's ...That's beautiful.
All the lights.
You got it, man.
I'm the driver. Yeah.
Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.
Is somebody gonna tell me what the fuck is goin' on around here?
What you mean? What do I mean?
What the fuck are you driving this cab for, Yo Yo, huh?
And what's up with the fuckin' hats?
What is this, the fuckin' Rocky and Bullwinkle show?
Yes, yes. We ...We have the same hats. Both.
Look. Just forget about the hats. All right?
Look. It was Helmet's first day drivin'. He drive like shit. All right? So I took over.
Oh, you took over. Yeah.
You know, you're a fuckin' typical control freak. You know that?
Man! Shit. Look. Angela, just shut up, all right?
Don't tell me to shut up. I already told you about that shit.
I'm telling you to shut up. You shut up!
Shut up! You shut up!
Shut the fuck up! You shut the fuck up, all right?
You're a fuckin' idiot, Yo Yo. You know that?
Yo, you see the sign? It says, "Sit back in case of short stops."
You never know. I might stop real short.
You better be careful, because if I get hurt, I'm gonna kick your fuckin' ass.
Always got to have the last word, right? That's right.
- Right. That's right.
- Right. Right.
Go ahead. Go ahead. Say somethin'. Go ahead.
If you fuckin' stop talkin' to me, then you won't have to hear my fuckin' mouth.
So why don't you shut the fuck up, and then I won't have to be talkin' all the time, you stupid idiot.
Right. Oh, fuck you.
Angela, fuck you too. You know what you like?
You're like a fuckin' Chihuahua, always gnawing at my fuckin' ankles.
Yeah? Well, I'm gonna take a big fuckin' bite out of your fuckin' ass then... so you better watch out for this little dog.
Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck.
Nice family. Nice family. 'Cause he's an asshole. That's why.
Yeah. Right. Huh?
Asshole. He's an asshole.
Check it out, Helmet. This is Brooklyn.
What you think, man?
Uh, it's great.
It's a dump.
Don't be sayin' shit like that, Angela. It's our neighborhood.
Like I give a shit?
You see, Helmet? This is where we live.
Thanks for nothin', asshole. Don't be hittin' on me, Angela.
Oh, shut up. No, you shut up.
Good-bye to you, Angela.
Good-bye to you too, Helmet-head.
- Hey, Yo Yo. What?
Take this. Oh, yes.
Hey. You should count that shit. You should always count that shit.
It's a little less.
The meter say 13. I only gave you 12.
It's New York, Helmet.
Money is ...Ja. Money... is not important for me.
I am a clown. I ...I need it.
It's not important... for me.
So, you know how to get back to Manhattan, Helmet?
No. No. Shit.
All right. You're gonna make the opposite of every direction we made to get here.
So if ...if we made a right, then this time you're gonna make a left.
And if we made a left, you're gonna make a right.
Right? Ah, yeah. Two rights.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
You go down there, you make a right, then...
When you get to that wide street... you know, that... that... that big one?
Yeah. You're just gonna stop and ask somebody.
Okay. Okay, Mr. Lampshade.
No, no, no, man. No.
No, man. You be Mr. Lampshade.
I be Mr. Lampshade? Yeah!
Okay. I be Mr. Lampshade.
Later for you, Helmet.
"D" is to drive.
Yeah. Yeah. You got it. Yeah. "D." "D." "D" is to drive!
Learn some English, Helmet!
Right! Helmet, go right!
There's a nice family.
Left... or right?
Uh, two rights. Two...
Ja, ja, ja.
In the bag. In the bag.
You're quite a guy!
So am I.
We sure impressed that ambassador.
He's been taken in.
More champagne! That's what we need.
The way we suckered him...
What are you doing? What's the matter with you?
We told you to drive carefully. We're important people.
Hell yes! Extremely important people.
If you only knew what's in this case.
Don't you tell him.
The Cameroon ambassador wants to see us in the morning.
In one piece.
And you drive like a lizard, first left, then right.
You think you're in your jungle here?
We're not from the same jungle, are we? No.
These little brothers who come to France, don't they have any respect?
Did you even hear him say hello?
Little brother, where do you come from that you're so rude?
You from Togo?
You can't be from Cameroon. From Dakar?
Wait, I'll have a closer look.
If his looks don't kill you.
With that face he might.
I'll tell you.
With a face like that, he must be a representative of King Beyanzed.
You're killing me.
That's a Beninese's face!
That's it. Benin.
Little brother, are you from Benin?
The Ivory Coast.
He's an 'Ivoirien'.
"Can't see a thing!"
That explains it!
He's an "Y voit rien. "
You've run four red lights, you can't see a thing, and you drive at night without your glasses on.
Don't leave your glasses at home! Keep your eyes on the road.
Look! The road is over there!
Who gives these people cars? An 'Ivoirien'!
What do you mean, "that explains it"?
I work from 8:00 p.m. to 8:00 a.m., so don't fuck with me in my own taxi.
And I don't give a shit about your ambassador, okay?
Can't we have some fun?
We've had champagne, we're very happy...
No, you don't have fun in my taxi. I work in this taxi.
It's my place of business, not your fucking playground!
Okay, get out.
What do you mean?
Just get out of my taxi.
Little brother, I only said...
Forget it. Just get out.
Out of my taxi!
But it's 4:00 in the morning.
Little brother, what's wrong with you?
Look where you're leaving us!
Can you believe this guy?
Does he expect us to find a taxi here?
What a fucked-up day.
Big brothers, my ass...
Shit, they didn't even pay!
I can't believe this shit.
I'll kick your ass.
Here's one that won't give me any shit.
Nice driving, asshole. You almost flattened me.
What are we waiting for?
Quai de l'Oise, near Porte de la Villette.
It's near the canal.
At the next intersection just follow Canal St. Martin up to Stalingrad Place then along Quai de la Seine.
Look, I know my job. Don't tell me how to do my job.
IF YOU HAVE A PREFERRED ROUTE, INDICATE THIS TO THE DRIVER
Doesn't this sign say to follow my directions?
Did you change something?
What, me? Nothing!
Don't they teach you how to drive before unleashing you?
What are we doing in this tunnel?
Why'd you take the fucking tunnel? I didn't tell you to go this way!
I hate the tunnel.
Hold still. I got it.
Hey, don't blind people usually wear dark glasses?
Do they? I wouldn't know. I've never seen a blind person.
You've always been blind?
Must be a real drag being blind, huh?
Listen, jerk-off. I can do anything you can and a lot of things you'll never do.
I'm blind, that's all.
You can't drive a car, for example.
And you can?
I didn't mean to make you mad.
I don't know any blind people. I'm curious, that's all.
I'm just like you. I drink, I eat, I taste things.
I listen to music. I feel music.
I do whatever I want. I even go to the movies.
And what do you see at the movies?
Sometimes I feel the film.
I can hear it.
Oh, forget it. You're a pain in the ass.
Yeah, but when you eat, you can't see the food.
The carrots could be blue, for example.
And with music, you can't see the musicians!
You don't even know the shape of a guitar.
Yes I know the shape of a fucking guitar.
I feel things I'm sure you never will.
Okay then, if you're so smart, let me ask you a question.
Here's the question.
What color am I?
I don't give a fuck about colors.
But people have different colors of skin!
Look, I don't care if you're green or... blue like a carrot.
For me the word color doesn't mean anything.
I feel colors.
But you'd never understand that.
Okay. You hear my voice, my accent.
Tell me where I'm from.
And if I'm right I win a color TV, is that it?
I don't know, Africa.
No, the Ivory Coast.
You're exactly right! Treichville.
Can I ask you something personal?
What's it like in bed?
What in bed?
With a man, if you can't see anything, when you make love, how do you know who's next to you,
who you're making love with?
Listen, when I make love it's with every centimeter of my body, every pore of my skin. Unlike you, I'm sure.
Believe me, I know the man I make love with.
Even when he's on the stairs, I know it's him.
I can smell him from a block away.
A block away! He must really stink.
I'm glad I can't see you, 'cause you must be an ugly bastard.
Is this Quai de lOise?
West of the canal, facing Porte de la Villette.
How much is it?
Listen, asshole. I've been trapped in here longer than that, and I don't need your fuckin' charity.
It must be 48 or 49.
Keep the change.
You think I was born yesterday?
Watch out for yourself!.
Watch out yourself.
Don't you look where you're going? We're not in Africa here!
You're a racist!
No, I'm not a racist, but you drive like a fuckin' black!
The road goes this way, and you were going that way!
Are you blind or what?
But it's not my fault!
I can't see a thing.
They could put up a streetlight once in a while in Rome.
Would you like to meet and make love?
Confirmed. I repeat, send a car immediately.
Where should we do it?
12 Marmoratta Street.
Buffalota Street, number 40.
Piazza Quadrata, but there is no number.
Okay, we'll do it in Piazza Quadrata.
Correct, confirmed, but there is no number.
How many times will we do it?
One thousand and one.
Five minutes. Three cars.
Three taxis? You little slut! We're through.
Hotel Genius. What a name for a hotel!
Good evening. I'd like a room between...
Leonardo da Vinci and Einstein.
Yes, thank you. Who's this?
Dante Alighieri, how's it going?
I'm here having coffee with Shakespeare.
Beethoven, I'd like you to meet Charlie Parker.
Say something to him, Charlie.
Charlie Parker at the Hotel Genius...
If there's no room at the Hotel Genius I'll take a room at the Hotel Imbecile.
The Romans have all left Rome.
Where did they go?
Everyone's in Bergamo.
What do they do in Bergamo?
I love these one-way streets!
It's like bumper cars.
"In the middle of the journey of our life, oh, dear friends, to you I convey, I found myself down a street one way."
It's a one-way street!
That's right, it's one-way, you jerk!
This wall wasn't here yesterday!
Like Saint Pete, I will retreat.
And like the saints that led, I'll move ahead.
Another one-way street!
They're always changing everything. Fuckin' idiots...
I've got a taxi and they've got guns and I'm dangerous!
I should turn around and run them both over.
A bishop alone in Rome at 4:00 a.m.!
Bad luck! Touch my balls.
Excuse me, Father. The statue confused me.
I couldn't see you. Excuse me.
Across town, please. To Tiburtino.
Tiburtino? Not the Vatican? Aren't you a bishop?
No, not the Vatican. And I'm not a bishop.
Father, I want to tell you that I'm deeply honored to have a bishop in my taxi.
My dear son, I'm not a bishop.
Yes, I know, you're not a bishop, but...
My son, may I ask you a favor?
Could you remove your sunglasses?
It's not safe to drive at night with dark glasses.
I put them on this morning and forgot I was wearing them.
I see better now. Thank you!
I feel like a blind man who's miraculously recovered his sight!
Grazie, padre. Grazie tante.
Everything okay, Father?
Excuse me, but it says NO SMOKING.
That sign? I keep forgetting to get rid of it. Sorry, Father.
They put one in every taxi. It's ridiculous.
Father, I know this will sound a little strange, but here we are alone, at night in a taxi, and it's a little embarrassing, but I would like to confess.
But this is not the appropriate place, my son.
I know, I said it myself we're in a taxi, not church, but I must confess, Father.
Dear son, confession is an act that must remain anonymous.
The church must preserve this anonymity. Otherwise...
But I promise I won't tell anyone!
I'm not Roman, I'm Tuscan.
I've had this taxi for 15 years here in Rome, and in 15 years I swear I've never picked up the same person twice.
And even if I picked you up again in 10 years I wouldn't recognize you, dressed as a bishop.
And I promise I won't look you in the face.
After all, I've got to drive.
I must confess. Please!
You won't have to pay the fare, okay?
If you don't hear my confession, I'm afraid I'll burn in hell.
But this is unacceptable.
Father, I've got so many sins to confess.
First thing, when I was about 12 or 13 years old, when boys become big men, well, each his own physique... and you begin to feel that desire for, how can I say it... for love!
You feel the need for release!
You understand? To relieve this desire to...
Anyway, I lived in the country and there weren't many women, and though you're still a kid, inside you feel a man's feeling, and there was no way to... release this feeling.
So the idea, not mine, but a real intelligent friend of mine's, of relieving ourselves with... we made love with... how do I say this?
Warm, soft, damp, with seeds inside, so round...
And we would... Help me find the words, Father.
We relieved ourselves with these pumpkins.
But then, after a certain age, I quit.
I don't know if my friends quit, but that's their business.
I quit because I felt, Father, and I'm sure you'll agree, in growing up to be a sensitive, even religious man, that love is something every man needs not with a vegetable, but with something alive!
Something that moves, that's warm, that looks you in the eyes.
Something with a soul.
Anyway, there was a... a sheep.
A beautiful little sheep!
She was nice, kind, sweet, pretty.
I called her Lola.
Not an ugly old sheep like the others, but a little sheep. So delicate, refined!
Soft wool, two big eyes watching me.
At first I didn't even notice.
And what a sweet little voice!
And I was enchanted.
Not like the other sheep.
Her movements were so refined.
She'd come beside me, and somehow I was always on top of her.
She was so pretty... even erotic!
She would embarrass me because she would come around when I was with my friends.
People began to notice this. It was embarrassing.
In fact, finally my father noticed.
A horrible memory.
Do you know what my father did?
He sold her to a
He sold my Lola to a butcher!
A butcher named Guido Rusticoni.
A fat, hairy, sweaty guy. Rude, uneducated.
Really ugly, disgusting. He was horrible.
My Lola to a butcher for 80,000 lire.
I felt so badly that I haven't eaten meat since.
Even now when they ask me, "Do you want some lamb?"
Me, lamb? No, thanks.
I don't eat vegetables either, because of the pumpkins.
In fact, I don't eat much at all anymore.
It was very traumatic for me.
What I want to say is, I understand that these are big sins, but truly, Father, they are sins of love.
Gino, how are you?
Nothing's going on, really. No customers.
It's a lousy night.
Nothing here either. A real slow night.
We haven't made a cent.
A real one? Oh, let me see!
What a darling little bishop!
Stop by later, okay?
Gino always cheers me up.
Pretty girls, eh?
So, my brother Vincenzo lives here in Rome too.
He's a plumber. Repairs pipes, water.
One night he invited me to dinner, he and my sister-in-law. Monica.
So I went to their house.
They have a female dog too. Very cute.
So after dinner, he got an emergency call.
The pipes exploded in a condominium. Water everywhere.
And like a lightning bolt, he ran off with his tools, and I was left alone with Monica.
Now, Monica is beautiful! You should see her.
She really likes me.
She always looks at me with those strange "sister-in-law eyes."
At their wedding I said, "Congratulations!"
But she looked at me strangely.
She married my brother, and we're the same type.
I'm even more handsome than he is.
So Monica and I were alone.
She started to clean up at the sink.
As she bent over, I was sitting behind her like this, and from this position I saw two cheeks!
An ass from out of this world!
With tiny white panties, riding up a little so you could see one whole cheek!
The other was partly covered.
Father, I couldn't control myself!.
She turned and looked back at me with those eyes...
and suddenly I was on top of her.
Father, that beautiful ass!
Pink, soft, round like a pumpkin!
Those soft, wool panties reminded me of the sheep, the pumpkin, the sheep, my brother's wife...
I was on fire!
Then we were on the floor, under the table!
The beauty of it!
What pleasure! We enjoyed ourselves like... imagine, Father...
Heaven on earth!
I said to myself, "But this is my brother's wife!"
But I couldn't stop!
And I said it again, "It's your brother's wife! Stop!"
But I couldn't!
It lasted hours!
And she screamed!
And I screamed!
It was terrible.
I turned her over, kissed her all over, her neck, her perfect breasts...
I stayed there all night.
I never went back because she's my brother's wife, although he never noticed anything.
Now she smiles whenever she sees me...
Ciao. Ciao. and I say, "Remember when we fucked like animals on the floor?"
It was truly paradise!
My gorgeous sister-in-law!
I don't know if you ever made love with your sister-in-law, Father, but you should try it, because it's absolute heaven.
Then you just confess. It's incredible.
Father, I know these sins must be confessed, but they were just so wonderful.
I haven't upset you, have I?
I guess he fell asleep.
Father, don't fool around!
Not feeling well?
You're not... dead, are you? I don't hear anything!
It's me, your taxi driver!
I've killed him!
My God, what have I done?
I've killed a priest.
Even worse, a bishop!
They'll give me life!
How many years do you get for a bishop? Twenty? Thirty?
Are you asleep?
He's dead. I've killed a priest!
I'll be in all the papers:
TAXI DRIVER KILLS BISHOP My brother will find out everything about me and Monica!
What a fucking mess!
And such a nice little priest. So delicate!
I shouldn't have told him about the sheep and Monica!
I'm sorry, Father. Now I'll really burn in hell!
Where should I put him?
Only a priest, but he weighs enough to be a cardinal.
40 India Street, first call.
40 India Street, car needed. Second call.
Car 285 to India Street. Thanks, 285.
29 Industrial Road, three customers waiting. First call.
29 Industrial Road, three customers. Second call.
Industrial Road 29, three customers. Third call.
Car 101 will take Industrial Road.
Hi, Mika! Okay. Bye, bye.
You called a taxi?
No, we called a garbage truck.
But you'll have to do the job.
Is he all right?
No, he's not all right.
But don't worry about it.
My house is closest, so drop me off first.
We're gonna take Aki home first.
But he lives furthest away, and he's fucked-up.
You're the one who's fucked-up. He's our friend, and in that condition, we've got to make sure he gets home okay.
Then you'll have to pay.
But I don't have any money!
Well, I don't either!
Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
What about him?
His severance pay.
Okay, we've got money.
We all live on the same block.
Just drive across town.
What's your name?
When I was a kid I had a hamster named Mika.
By the way, what was that about his severance pay?
He lost his job today.
Is he all right?
No, he's not all right.
Didn't he just tell you that he lost his job today?
He's all fucked-up, and losing his job is just a small part of it.
What do you mean?
Today was the worst fuckin' day of his entire life, that's what I fuckin' mean.
Or yesterday was, anyway...
I'm sorry to hear that.
What would you know about it?
You have no idea how he feels.
At the moment, I doubt he feels much of anything.
Look, Mr. Taxi Man, don't fuck with us!
Be careful, you idiot! He's driving!
You're the idiot!
Stop! Or you morons can walk home!
Can I ask something?
Your friend. What happened to him that was so terrible?
Besides losing his job, I mean.
What was so terrible?
I'll tell you what was so terrible.
This morning he drives his car to work.
New car, just paid off.
He parks and goes to work.
He's late for work, but that's nothing new.
But today, bad news: he's fired.
Late once too often.
So then he has a big fight with his boss.
They throw him out into the street and his severance pay after him.
He picks up the envelope, brushes himself off and walks back to his car.
But instead of his brand-new car there's a smashed, fucked-up ghost of his car.
Smashed to fuckin' shit.
Some fuckin' idiot has turned his brand-new car into a useless pile of shit.
So he has a few drinks to calm down, then takes a bus home.
At home, waiting for him, are his wife and 16-year-old daughter.
They're both crying, and the wife tells him they have a big problem.
Then the daughter runs off to her room, crying.
And the wife tells him that his daughter, 16 and unmarried, is pregnant.
A beautiful girl too, his daughter.
You shut up! That's no way to talk about our best friend's little daughter.
I didn't mean it like that!
I know what you meant, you fuckin' slimy fungus!
So, is that all?
No, that's not all.
He tells his wife that he's lost his job and then about their car.
She becomes hysterical and screams that she wants a divorce.
That he's no good as a father or a husband.
And then she chases him from the house with a big fuckin' butcher's knife.
A bread knife.
A butcher's knife!
He said it was a bread knife!
- No, he made a point of saying it was a butcher's knife! - OK, OK, OK, OK, OK.
Things could have been worse.
What could possibly be worse than that?
Okay, Mr. Taxi Man.
Whatever happened to you that was worse than that?
You want me to tell you?
Do you have any children?
I have a son.
I have a daughter.
I'm glad I have a son and not a daughter.
You're an idiot. A daughter is much better.
That way you won't have a son who'll grow up to be like you.
Even more important then, in your case.
In your case, soon nothing will be important! - Hey!
Knock it off!. Or you idiots will have a long walk.
What about the terrible story you were about to tell us?
That is terrible!
My wife and I both work hard. She has a job, and I have two jobs.
We've been saving money because we want to have a family.
A daughter or a son.
For a year we've worked at having a baby.
Nice work if you can get it.
Shut up and let him finish.
Is that your wife?
Anyway, after a while my wife became pregnant.
We were so happy. My wife's belly got bigger and bigger.
Then, in the sixth month, she started feeling strange so I took her to the hospital right away.
Was she all right?
Well, I took her to the hospital and they took her inside.
I was worried, waiting and waiting for hours.
Finally the doctor came and told me that Eija had a baby.
She was all right, and the baby, a little girl, was alive.
I was so happy I was about to explode.
A little daughter. Ya.
But the doctor looked worried.
He told me the baby was way too early.
So far she was okay, but she was in an incubator.
And then he said there was almost no chance the baby would live.
So what happened?
The next day I brought my wife home from the hospital, but the baby stayed there in the incubator.
You should have seen her though.
So tiny and perfect.
Tiny hands, tiny feet.
She was shaped like a little peanut.
But the doctor didn't give us much hope.
He said she wouldn't live more than a week, our tiny daughter.
Eija was so scared that she was about to go crazy.
So I made a big decision.
I decided that I wouldn't love this tiny little child.
If she was going to die, I would have to stay strong and distant.
I couldn't stand the pain of losing this child.
So I decided to kill my love.
A week went by, and the baby lived.
Then another week went by, and part of a third.
After three entire weeks the child was still alive.
But the doctor was still very negative.
That started to make me angry.
I sat up all night in the kitchen while my poor wife lay awake in the bedroom.
And I sat there, just as the dawn was about to break.
The light outside was just like it is right now.
Then Eija came to me and said I'd made a mistake.
I realized she was right.
If that baby was going to make it, it needed all my love.
The strongest love possible.
It was a relief.
I felt my love for that baby surge through every pore of my worthless body.
I felt so happy and clear.
That little peanut was our child and we cried out of happiness.
We tried to eat some breakfast, but we couldn't.
Then we drove to the hospital.
We wanted that baby to feel all the strength of our love.
At the hospital the doctor was right there to meet us.
His face was very serious.
He took us aside.
And then he told us that a short time earlier, just before sunrise, the baby had died.
Nothing could be done. It was too late...
You and your wife can make another baby.
Maybe we can, sometime.
Such a sad story.
You're a good guy, Mika.
Aki is so full of shit.
His life isn't so terrible after all.
He fuckin' whines about such trivial shit.
Some people have got real troubles.
You're right, Mika.
You're a good man.
We're almost home.
Take the next right, then a left. That's our street.
What about your friend? Is he okay now?
Yeah, forget about him.
What about his wife, and the big knife?
Oh, that. Fuck it.
He'll push his way into one of our houses if he can't get into his own.
He's a leech anyway.
Don't worry. Everything will be all right.
Yeah. And send greetings to your wife, Eija.
Yeah, give her my best too.
Wake up, Aki!
Who the fuck are you?
Where the fuck am I?
You're in a fucking taxi, near your fucking home and you owe me the fucking fare.
Yeah, I know. Nothin' for free.
You all right?
You know where you are?