Night School (2018) Script

♪ Ain't nobody dope as me

♪ I'm dressed so fresh, so clean ♪

♪ So fresh and so clean, clean ♪

♪ Don't you think I'm so sexy? ♪

♪ I'm dressed so fresh, so clean... ♪ Oh, my God!

Come on. Man!

♪ I'm dressed so fresh, so clean... ♪

I don't know this stuff.

That's not even close.

No.

Teddy! Dinner, baby!

Your father's waiting!

♪ Created in the attic, we are the coolest mother... ♪ What do you mean, you're protesting the State Achievement Test?

Sounds like someone's unprepared.

I am prepared. Mmm.

To take a stand.

Pops, those standardized tests are culturally biased.

They want me to calculate the average number of manatees that are in Florida.

What does that have to do with the African-American experience?

You hear that, Gladys?

We got Minister Louis Farrakhan at the table.

You know what, Teddy?

The last time I checked, your twin sister Denise here is black, and she pulled a 1500 on the practice test.

It was actually a 1540, Daddy. Ah!

You go, girl. That's my baby.

Just doing what I do best... outshining Teddy's butt.

What's this really all about, Teddy Bear?

Hmm?

Do you need help?

Is that what this is all about?

I don't know, Mommy.

I mean... maybe I do need help.

Help yourself to the goddamn study book.

Hell, you get 400 points just for signing your name.

You do know how to spell your name, don't you?

T-H-E... What?

You're wrong.

Ain't no "H" in my name.

She's spelling your legal name.

"Theodore."

Well, there goes those 400 points.

She like a Chinese boy at school.

Shut your pie hole!

Everyone take a seat.

T-H-E...

Don't even look at him. Stewart's an asshole.

Okay, students, please break the seal on your test books and begin.


Done.

You finished the whole test?

No, I'm done with this.

I'm finished!

Do I look like a sheep to you, Marv?

No.

You all can continue to be sheep.

I'm not gonna be nobody's sheep.

Mr. Walker.

I don't know how to make the noise, but you know what I'm trying to say.

Y'all can keep falling for the... for the man's plan if you want to, but y'all gonna end up in stupid student debt.

You look like bad credit already.

This whole section right here reeks of Discover cards, with your broke ass.

I'm gonna be a winner. I'm gonna succeed in the school of life, doing real stuff.

I'm gonna get me a real fly car, and I'm gonna have me a nice girl.

Y'all ain't gonna make it.

Ted, get out!

Denise got hair on her titties.

Cat's out of the bag.

Get out! You're embarrassing us!

Y'all some sheep!

Y'all sheep!

In your face!

Ha-ha, stupid.

Now I'm gonna be rolling in the dough.

And by the way, Denise...

I think Denise has incredible titties.

Marv, shut up!

♪ Hey, Jim, you know them old sugar daddies ♪

♪ They be trickin', they tell them girls ♪

♪ I said you could have

♪ Whatever you like, if you like ♪

♪ I said you could have

♪ Whatever you like, if you like ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, stacks on deck

♪ Patrón on ice

♪ And we can pop bottles all night ♪

♪ And, baby, you could have

♪ Whatever you like, if you like ♪

♪ I said you could have

♪ Whatever you like, if you like ♪

♪ Yeah, baby, I could treat you so special, so nice ♪

♪ Gas up a jet for you tonight and, baby, you could go ♪

♪ Wherever you like, if you like ♪

♪ I said you could have

♪ Whatever you like, if you like, yeah ♪

♪ Any time you want to, pick up the telephone ♪

♪ You know it ain't nothin' to drop a couple stacks... ♪ This project has taken over my life.

Come on. God, I can't wait to sleep.

Come here.

Thank you, baby. No problem.

Oh, I'm so nervous about tonight.

Thank God you're coming.

Why are you nervous?

Lis, you did an amazing job.

You're gonna kill this.

Gonna be the hottest spot in Atlanta.

Okay.

Will, uh... will the lovely Maya be joining us this evening as well?

I don't like him.

Chef Clemont invited my entire team to dinner tonight, so be nice, okay?

Yes. Maybe try to compliment her.

Okay. Love you.

Okay. Bye. Love you. Have a good day.

Hey, Maya!

Hey, Teddy.

Somebody looks extremely attractive today.

Thank you.

Not that I'm looking at you the same way I look at my woman, because I wouldn't do that.

Let's just go. Let's go.

I love the weave! Teddy!

Or the wig. Whichever...

This is my hair.

You did that, boo. Stop.

I'm just going to stop.

You get what I'm trying to do.

He's jealous of your beauty.

I blew it.

I definitely blew that.

♪ I got a new spring in my step... ♪ Oh, look, there's Teddy.

Teddy! Yo, Teddy!

♪ It's looking pretty good

♪ Up ahead...

My name is Teddy, and I am here to make your barbecue dreams come true.

Now, Esther, you're a small woman, but I know you have a big heart, which is why I recommend the Big Steel for you.

Not a lot of women can take this much steel, but I know you can. Mmm!

The Pitbull, huh?

¿Como te llamas? Me llamo Pitbull.

¡Dale!

You're not Spanish, are you?

I can see it in your eyes, Morris.

But I can also tell that your wife... you know, your wife isn't on the same page.

I mean, it's not like she completely controls the purse strings.

Enjoy it.

Don't you let me down.

You better stop it, man.

Don't you start that.

That was a master class.

I couldn't get Bobby Flay to buy that beast.

You know what? Once I saw the man purse, the guy was putty in my hands. He really was.

Teddy, I just want you to know you are like the son I never had.

Well, I mean, come on, you got Joe Junior.

Well, yeah, but he's the son I do have, and I'm just not all that crazy about it.

I mean, look at him.

But my point is this... all those years ago, I took a chance on a pimply-faced teenager.

My little Gary Coleman.

My little Webster.

And it turned out great for both of us.

So I've decided, when I retire...

I'm turning Barbecue City... over... to you.

Excuse me?

What?

Uh, don't-don't shit me.

I'm serious.

Oh, my God, Joe.

I just got-got goose bumps.

Yes! I got goose bumps all over.

I don't know what to say, man. Thank you.

No. Thank you... son.

What you talkin' 'bout, Joe?

You gotta come here, Mr. Drummond.

Come here.

All yours, Teddy.

What do you think? Oh...

It's amazing.

Really? Yeah.

But as your unofficial financial advisor, I'm obligated to tell you that this ring is way out of your budget.

Relax.

Lisa's cool as hell.

She knows who you are.

Lisa does not know who I am.

Lisa knows that I'm a successful barbecue salesman.

Marvin knows that Teddy's a high school dropout that's living paycheck to paycheck

'cause I'm with a woman that's way above my weight class.

Your life is built on a financial house of cards.

Stop it. The Porsche, the duplex.

What are you trying to prove?

Plus, every single time we go out, she offers to pay for the check.

The day that I let her put down her plastic is the day that I lose her.

And you know that. I don't know why I was so nervous.

It's coming together. Hey.

Hi. Lisa.

Hi! Bienvenue.

Dude, Lisa's the best thing that ever happened to me.

I don't want to mess this one up, man.

I told them. He did.

He actually said that.

Ooh. Look at that.

That looks amazing. Some dessert.

Wow. Wow. Thank you.

Mmm. - Thank you so much. Chef Clemont also said that there will be no check.

This is all on him.

Wow. I knew he would try this.

You know what? Tell him I appreciate it, but I insist on paying. Okay.

Yeah. Okay, well, just wait.

Well, hold on, now, honey.

Honey, you don't want to offend him.

You're his guest, right?

Trust me, you never take a free meal from a client.

That way, you don't owe them anything.

That's true. Thank you, Lisa.

I appreciate it. You know.

Um... Whenever you're ready.

Thank you.

You know what? You know what, then, baby?

If that's the case, sweetie, then let me...

No. Baby, this is my thing.

There's like eight of us. I got it.

You can probably write it off, right? Yes.

I didn't think about that. It is a business expense.

Okay. - Yeah. Come on.

W-W-Wait, wait. Hold-hold up, Lis.

It is a business expense, but, Lis... it's clear that Teddy really wants to treat.

We're all here celebrating you, so let him.

Right, Teddy?

Yes.

Wow.

Yes. Wh-Why aren't we closer?

'Cause you get me. Mmm.

I have it. I got it.

I love you. Love you back.

Black love.

Okay.

Oh, shit.

All right, Marvin, hit me.

Thank you.

This is so good. One of my favorite things that he does.

That caramel tart, he's known for it. All right.

Oh, I gotta get in that.

Definitely gonna try that.

Uh-uh.

So amazing. Aren't these beautiful?

He did these just for us. Really?

Yeah. You should try this caramel.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna take a little bit of it.

Get in there. Take me through... take me through...

Lisa, take me through. So this is a chair.

Straight up, it's a chair.

I know that much, but what... tell me about... give me the Behind the Music about the chair.

Pretend I'm on VH1 or something like that.

Well, actually, these chairs have a very interesting story.

They're from Denmark.

Found them in a warehouse. Whoa.

Mid-century, modern, kind of rounded.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know it's blue and...

I didn't know you were so into chairs.

Oh, you would not believe... I'll go home, I'll look at my chair, I get turned on in a second.

It's just a weird fetish. You would love these because...

I don't know if you noticed the cerulean kind of undertone of the wallpaper... Woof.

...but we kind of wanted to tie it all together, to kind of offset the harder, more straighter lines, and... What is that? I...

I found this fabric in Italy. It's 100%...

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

No, no, no! What?

Is there a problem with the dessert, sir?

I think that's pubic hair in the cake.

Oh, my God. Oh, my gosh.

Is this pubic hair in my damn dessert?

May I?

I'm sorry, what? May I please take it?

Literally, I'm telling you what it is.

Uh...

This is way too many pubes.

What does that mean?

I mean, one is too many pubes.

If you could tell the chef.

Thank you. Thank you for taking care of this for us.

I believe you planted these.

No, no, no. What'd you just say?

Stop. I got this. That's insane of you.

I've known this man my entire life.

He's not a pube planter, sir. No, no, no.

Stop, Marv. Stop. Maybe you planted them.

What? Boom.

I risked my life coming to this country so I can plant pubes on some random guy's cheesecake?

I don't know what you're into, man.

And I have a flash of news for you, guy.

I man-scape down here. Okay.

That's my woman, and that's too much information.

And these are the pubes of an African-American guy.

Oh, shit. What? That's racist, man.

It's descriptive.

"Descriptive," my ass. That's racist. Luis?

That's what they are... Afro pubes.

Friends, friends, what is happening?

What is happening?

Pubes and racism.

Chef Clemont...

Mm-hmm. All right? I go to take a bite of my cheesecake.

There's what appears to be pubic hair in my cake.

That he planted with his African-American short-and-curlies.

Say "African-American" again, and I'm-a get dark and curly in your ass!

I will say it again! All right, say it again!

Please, everyone, calm down.

I am mortified by this. I am so sorry here, everyone.

Uh, the meal is on me. No.

This is what he wants.

Luis, I need to speak to you in the kitchen. Thank you.

Go in the kitchen, man.

You're going to die.

Luis, I need to speak to you in the kitchen.

You messed with the wrong guy.

Luis, right now.

Right now. You better go.

Okay, baby, just...

You better go!

Gotta be kidding me. Chef, please, he's been... I, uh... I don't want to get into it.

Feel like it's a cloud of racism around me.

Teddy, what is going on?

Haven't we had enough surprises tonight?

Well, I promise you that this one will be worth it, okay?

Oh, my God.

What's all this?

Well, I will tell you what's going on.

So, listen to this.

Joe told me today that when he retires he's leaving all of this to me.

Baby, that's amazing. I mean, it's life-changing.

Yeah. And maybe you could put your touch on this place, change the design, help take it to the next level?

I'm so proud of you. Yeah.

Maybe we expand? Yes.

Franchise, even? Yeah.

Yes. Oh, yeah.

Baby, we-we could do a lot with this place.

First of all, we could change the logo.

"Barbecue Nation." "Barbecue Safari."

I mean, there are so many things we could do.

Honestly, I have so many ideas.

I...

I just know that with you by my side, that anything is possible.

Oh, my God.

Yes. Yes?

Yes! Yes! Yes?

Mmm.

Mmm, mmm.

Wait, the ring. Here.

You gotta put the... put the ring on.

Oh, my God.

I love it. Let's celebrate, then.

Huh? You know I had to get some champagne. Oh, my God.

I said, "Look, uh, my baby gonna like it."

Let me pour some champagne for my fiancée.

"Fiancée."

All right, let's make a toast.

To us. To us.

Baby? Hmm?

Do you smell gas?

I was nervous, babe.

I didn't know you'd smell it. I tried to...

No, that's, um...

Actual... like, the propane?

Why don't you go stand outside, I'll situate everything in here, and I'll get you home.

Okay. Love you.

Be ready.

Mm-hmm.

So, guys... my sweet little Teddy Bear just popped the question.

And big surprise...

I said yes!

Shit!

Oh, shit. Oh, shit!

Oh, God! Baby.

Teddy, are you okay?

I need you to tell my fiancée there's... there's been an accident.

Baby, it's me.

Can you see me? Teddy?

I'm your fiancée.

Good.

I've been in an accident.

Oh, baby.

So, Joe didn't have insurance?

Yeah, of course he did, Marv.

He took the money and ran off to Florida.

Dude, I've been looking for a job everywhere, man.

But there are no decent sales jobs for an Employee of the Month at Barbecue City.

We'd hire you here, but you need to get your GED.

Think about it. These guys bullshit clients all day about funds they don't understand.

You would be a natural.

So you're saying that if I graduated from high school, that then you could get me a job here? Yeah.

But you hate school, so why are we even having this conversation? No, no, no. I'm not talking about going to school.

I'm talking about getting my GED.

And that's different.

See, to get my GED, all I gotta do is go to the school, charm the principal a little bit.

Right? Get what I want. Yeah.

Which is my GED. Sounds pretty easy to me, Marv.

If you got your GED... Huh?

I could probably hook you up.

Listen to me, though. Stop it. Stop, okay?

Do yourself a favor, and do not tell Lisa about this until it's a done deal.

Now, you know I'm smarter than that, Marv.

You're gonna be a financial analyst?

Yes, I am.

I am, babe, and it starts immediately.

I was talking to Marv, and he says that they could really use somebody with my skill set at his firm.

That's great.

That's a great opportunity.

Um... yeah, I mean, I'm-I'm...

I'm basically pumped up about it, you know?

You are so resilient, baby. Mmm.

You keep bouncing back. I am so proud of you.

Yep.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Ma, of course the thong is gonna cut you in the booty hole.

That's what it do. Look, next time Leon want to stick somebody in a thong, you tell him that he need to put it on and get a mirror and check and see what his balls do.

I don't care if he is your pastor.

Do the congregation know he a freak like that?

Hold on, Mama.

Can I help you, sir?

Um...

I couldn't help but overhear your conversation.

Excuse me? You kind of loud.

Well, then get out of my car.

I'm not in your car. I'm clearly in my car.

No, you're in my car. You're speaking loud enough...

What are you, the volume control police?

I'm not sure if that's even a thing.

Mind your business.

Your business is becoming my business.

Why don't you work on your windshield?

Now you're really in my business.

Probably look like a kaleidoscope when you look through it.

You know, why don't you just...?

You probably feel like a little honeybee.

Enough. Looking at 18 things at one time, but really you're just looking at one thing.

I-I-I'm gonna get in your business now.

Tell your mother that she can go buy a box of G-strings with her nasty ass.

You're talking about my mama now?

Any pastor that's putting a thong on his balls ain't right with God.

Pssh. What? Don't "pssh" me.

Pssh.

Yeah.

I bet that hurt your throat.

Drive your car.

What, Mama?

Your mother's nasty.

Girl, yeah, that's a little ol' burnt leprechaun sitting next to me at this damn light all in our conversation.

Excuse me? Hey. Nah, girl, you know he ain't got no gold.

You know he ain't got no gold.

How about you grow up? Bye, boo!

Hey.

Speak... speaking of toast, if you...?

Goddamn it, Teddy.

I gotta work... Hey, yo!

Who you honk...? Let's go!

I can't even see... Where's my mirror?

Yo, man! Hey, who you honking at?

So, game the system again, did we, Teddy?

Stewart, what is your problem with me?

My problem with you, Teddy, is that students like you bring down the reputation of this high school.

You may have everybody else at this school fooled, but I know you're actually covering up for the fact that you're really just not that smart.

In fact, you might be the dumbest student at this school.

♪ Uh-oh ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Yeah ♪ - ♪ Uh-oh ♪ ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Uh-oh ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. ♪

I am the music teacher.

I don't know the first thing about teaching biology.

Oh, for God's sakes!

What part of "there is no musical program" do you not understand, Trish?

Nobody's getting into Ivy League schools on a bassoon scholarship. Oh, shit.

You know, I'm not book smart.

Stewart's smarter than me.

But you know what I'm not?

I'm not a freak of nature, Stew.

Uh-oh, Stew.

Don't do this, Teddy.

Hey, quick question, everybody.

Has anybody here ever seen Stewart with his shirt off?

It's a birthmark. It's a birthmark!

If it's a birthmark, let us see it right now. Prove it.

You all want to see my birthmark?

Yes! Come on! I'm dying!

I'll prove it. See?

It's a birthmark!

You got a pig's butthole on your chest, man.

There's no hole in it, so how could it be a butthole?

You got a third nipple, man!

Who's next, Dolores?

This young man right here.

Hey. What's up, Stewart?

We had good times, didn't we?

I laugh at how much we laughed.

That's some...

So, uh... how long you been the principal, man?

Going on two years.

Wow. Yeah. Wasn't easy, but, uh, cleaned this place up using my brain and my bat.

As opposed to when we went to high school, now, if you have a "D" average, you're out.

Can you do that?

I can do whatever I want, Teddy.

This my house.

I'm sorry, what... what was that last part?

I said look around you.

This is... my... house.

Excuse me for asking, but are you doing a black voice?

No, no. Not a black voice.

You sure? I don't hear color.

Mmm. What brings you back to Piedmont, Mr. Walker?

Right now I'm transitioning from an amazing job in sales to a job in finance, and the only thing that's really holding up this transition is me not having my GED.

So, I don't know, I was thinking maybe I could get you to cross some T's, dot some I's.

Maybe you could do a favor for an old friend.

Some things just never change, huh, Teddy?

You want me to help you find a shortcut to getting your diploma.

No.

Yes.

Hmm.

I wish I could. I really do.

But you would have to go to night school to learn how to pass the GED test, and unfortunately we don't offer night school here.

I'm so sorry, Teddy.

Let me walk you out.

You want to touch her?

I'm sorry? Come on.

Touch my big black bat.

Um, no, I'm...

Go ahead, say hi.

Ah!

You used to call me Crazy Stewart.

Now you call me Batman.

Remove the Beats by Andre, Rudy.

School policy... no headphones on campus unless you're using Rosetta Stone.

Hey, uh... hey, Stew, you think you're taking the right approach here with these kids?

They look a little stressed out, man.

I am preparing them for the real world, Teddy, okay?

I may not be their best friend, but everyone here respects me. Okay.

What the fuck, Stewart? Uh, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Let's watch the language, please, Miss Carter.

Why did you add AP Calculus to my class load, knowing good and well I already have five units to teach plus night school?

It's too much. Wait, hold on.

You're... you're the night school teacher?

No, I'm just a bitch that like to wear blouses.

Yes, I'm the night school teacher.

Did you bring me some dried shamrocks, leprechaun?

It's still not funny.

Wait, well, hold up.

Stew, why'd you just tell me that you don't have night school here?

Why would you say that?

I said that because Teddy and I went to school together.

He is, quite frankly, a terrible student, and I did not want that element in here.

I don't care if he's as dumb as a Minion.

He is welcome to take my class if he wants.

Thank you. Thank you for that.

You're welcome. 'Cause you-you need it.

Carrie, can we just take down the 'tude?

'Tude? Really? No, I'm...

You haven't even seen the beginning of this attitude.

Oh, I-I... Wait, say that to me again.

I apologize.

That was a poor choice of words.

I just mean I need you to show me the respect that you would show your boss.

Because this is your house, right?

Oh, you... you did the black voice thing with him?

It's not a black voice.

In actuality, not a black voice.

No, you do a black voice.

You don't remember when you was in that meeting, you was like, "We gonna get it lit up in here.

This meeting lit!"

It was very lit.

You did it at the staff meeting when you were like, "I keep it one hundred."

When have I never kept it one hunnid?

When you added that AP Calculus to my class load.

All right, agree to disagree. Listen, I hate to break up this pleasure party of delusion, but I have work to do.

Wow. So, if you'll excuse me...

I'm-a do my thang.

That's... that's a black voice.

Look alive, people!

Let's move with purpose! Go, go, go, go, go!

Hey. Hey. No loitering in my hall!

Can... can he really do that? Can he keep me from going here?

No, he can't. As a matter of fact, here's a textbook.

I'm actually going to set up the class right now for our first session of the semester.

We start at 7:00.

Yeah, but this-this book is just kind of thick.

I thought it would be more like a leaflet.

You thought you could cram four years of high school into a leaflet?

No. Maybe you are as dumb as Stewart says. Wait, wait, no, no, no, no.

No, no, I didn't... I didn't think that.

Go to the library, then. I just...

I'll hold on... Little scrawny midget!

I'll hold on to it.

Mm-hmm. I'm trippin'.

I'm thinking along the lines of traffic school.

Look, come or not... makes me no difference.

I don't get paid by the head.

Or maybe you can find a night school that does teach from a leaflet.

You-you know of one that...?

No, no, no. I'm-I'm gonna keep it.

Have a good one.

Marv, I do not know about this GED thing.

I don't, man. The teacher is tough as hell.

Hold on. Marv, let me hit you back.

Yo!

Oh, shit!

Hold up! Stop, stop!

What you doing? What's it look like I'm doing?

Uh, it look like you towing my car.

Did I park in a handicap spot?

You've missed the last four payments on that car.

It's getting repossessed.

You gonna take my car with my baby in the back?

Don't see no goddamn baby in there.

The baby right there.

You don't hear that? I don't think so.

Hey, man, I said don't do it.

I'm not playing.

Get out of the way, dude.

Stop, man.

I got my baby in here!

The car is leaving.

Get out of the way, dude. I'll show you leaving.

Come on, man. I've got something for your ass.

Get out of the car.

You want to play that game? Yeah!

You want to see something? Come on, then!

Bye.

Dumb-ass.

Oh, God!

Glad y'all enjoyed the show.

Tell my fiancée I got in another accident!

Uh...

Carrie, right? Oh.

So, even though we got textbook-sized textbooks, you decided to join us.

Well, grab a seat.

We'll get started in a few.

Uh, okay, before I do that... now, I know we got off on the wrong foot, so I was thinking.

I don't know... I don't know if you had time for dinner or not, so I took it upon myself to go and get you one of my personal favorites.

It's the best Mexican here in the A.

Oh. Thank you.

That is so thoughtful of you, Teddy.

So, check this out.

I went through some of your old high school records.

Uh-huh. Math, science, English... you was a horrible student.

What was going on with you then?

Was you being abused or something?

Carrie, the thing with me is I prefer to use the world as my classroom.

And to be honest with you, I'm not a...

I'm not like the rest of these folks.

I'm just not what you would call a night school person.

So I figure, maybe you and I can look out for one another.

You help me, I help you.

You got my back, I got your back.

Whatever, but it's just a conversation.

So enjoy your tacos.

That smile can light up a room, can't it?

I ain't going there.

Remember me, pendejo?

Well, if it isn't Pubey McGee.

The cheesecake puber is here, huh?

Surprised to see me, bro?

You shouldn't be, considering that you got me fired.

I did not get you fired. Yes, you did.

I worked in customer service for a long time. Everybody knows that the customer is always right.

Tips are my livelihood. I had a 20 coming your way.

The bill was $800.

I had a buck sixty coming to me, man.

Okay. That's your fault. Okay, let's begin.

Who here likes tacos?

Oh! Oh, oh. Ooh!

They vegetarian?

'Cause I don't eat meat unless it's barbecue.

Let's see what Teddy brought us.

Uh, we got carne asada.

There you go.

There's, uh, al pastor.

Oh, thanks. You... you like that? Um...

Carnitas? You like carnitas?

There you go, girl. Ooh!

Uh... uh, excuse me. Hey!

Carrie, I-I had actually got those tacos for you to eat.

I know.

See, class, Teddy went to...

Cactus House to try to win me over.

But here's the deal, Teddy.

If you're trying to kiss my ass, you're gonna have to come a little bit better than that.

I'm talking, like, steamed lobster inside a macaroni and cheese, with a side of broccolini.

You know what I'm saying? Something fancy.

Not no fast food place where I could go buy this with my own little raggedy paycheck.

Well, there's actually a... there's actually a special guacamole...

If you want to succeed in my class, you need to do the work.

It's just that simple.

Yes? Uh, quick question.

Uh, so "yes" on the steamed lobster?

No, sir.

That's what I like to call "a teachable moment."

Okay, so no lobster.

Um, all right, let's go ahead and do some introductions.

I'll start.

My name is Carrie.

During the day, I teach way too many classes for way too little money.

So I'm here to try to make a little extra cash so I can afford such luxuries as rent and antibiotics.

'Cause this job makes me sick sometimes.

Uh, you're next.

Yes, you.

As-salaam alaikum.

What up, though?

Jaylen's the name.

I've been working for the last 14 years at the MacArthur Bottling Plant and just got replaced by a robot.

And my rib, my Cleopatra, my queen, my bottom bitch, my wife of 14 years, she was like, "Yo, "if you want options, you gonna have to get your GED.

"It's either that or end up cleaning rooms at the Best Western for half your salary."

And if you know Jay, that ain't gonna work.

Hey, let me... let me just say this, okay, while I got the platform.

For me, I first got woke when I seen Terminator, and I realized it wasn't just a movie; it was prophecy.

First identified by the 3.5-Percenters, but that's another conversation.

Let's just put it like this.

The revolution will not be roboticized.

Mm-hmm.

Not on Jay's watch.

Huh?

Real nigga shit.

Huh? Thank you, Jaylen.

I'll make sure I don't bring my Roomba to the next class.

My wife takes rumba classes.

I don't get it. Let's keep it moving.

Uh, how about you, ma'am?

Yeah. Oh.

Okay. Hi, gang.

My name is Theresa, and I dropped out of high school when I was pregnant with my first child.

My now-husband, Randy, well, we got married after he knocked me up.

Then we had two more kids, so we have three little rascals now, and it's fun.

We're just a little underwater right now, so I wanted to get my GED and hopefully enter the workforce before it's too late and we have to live in Randy's parents' laundry room.

I'm blessed.

So blessed.

God is good.

That's what's up.

Uh, how about you, young lady?

Oh.

Hey, uh, what's up? I'm Mila.

I got kicked out of my high school because they found some Molly in my locker.

Mm-hmm. And I can avoid juvie if I get my GED, so here I am.

I'm so psyched. Cool.

Look at you, all cute, making America great again.

Bitch.

So, what's your story, guy?

Um, my name is Luis Flores.

I had a great job as a waiter.

Lot of money in tips.

Until I was fired without cause.

No reason at all.

Fired.

I don't know why... I have no idea why he's looking at me. I don't...

It's fine.

It's just a sign that it's time for me to do something different.

You see, I came to this country from Mexico to fulfill my dream of being a singer/songwriter.

Oh, like Julio Iglesias?

No, not like Julio Iglesias.

He sucks.

More like Justin Bieber or Justin Timberlake or T-Pain.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Aren't you a little old to, like, be a pop star now?

Aren't you a little young to die?

That's what's up.

But now I'm going to become a dental "hy-enist."

'Cause I have great teeth.

So I think I'd be a natural.

A what?

Dental hy-enist.

Maybe you should see one.

'Cause, you know what, pretty stinky, guys.

All right. Hey, everybody.

I'm Mackenzie.

Uh, they call me Big Mac.

Oh, we love McDonald's.

What?

McDonald's?

I'm sorry, what?

From the burger joint, Mickey D's.

Ronald McDonald's.

"Two all-beef patties, "special sauce, lettuce, cheese, on a sesame-seed bun." Hmm.

Never heard of it?

Ooh, it's gonna be a long semester.

Go on. Well, anyway, uh, my knees and my back are really jacked up from working at He-Man Movers for 30 years, so I decided to get my GED so that I could move up to a management position, get off the truck.

And my son... we call him Little Mac... he has decided to drop out of school.

So I made a deal with him: I get my GED, he gets his diploma.

Little reverse psychology.

All right.

And what's your name?

Hey, yo, what up? I'm Bobby.

That's what... that's what I'm talking about.

That's Illuminati. That's what I'm saying.

See, the nigga here, but he ain't here.

It's like they watching you, and you think you watching them.

That's what they do.

So you got Bobby Digital.

He here, but he not.

That's Tupac Coachella.

You know what I'm saying?

And he in the... You see?

Y'all don't...? All right, um...

That probably ain't even a real nigga. Hey.

Are you on crack? It's-it's Skype.

Whew, boy, it's hard to be woke.

It's hard to be woke.

What is "woke"?

Okay, well, welcome, everyone.

Really nice. We've all met.

Well, we didn't, uh... we didn't meet... we didn't meet everyone.

I didn't, uh... Teddy, uh, earlier, you said, unlike these folks, you're not a night school type of person, so I didn't think you cared.

Is that right?

Well, you didn't... you didn't hear it right, 'cause I would never say that about people that I don't know.

You know what? This is a perfect segue.

I'll just follow your lead, and I'll stand up.

I am Teddy Walker.

Uh, a little fun fact about me: I actually went here.

Oh. I'm also newly engaged.

His fiancée is out of his league.

I'm sorry, what?

Nothing. You're doing great.

I said, "Keep going.

Everybody loves you."

How does your fiancée feel about you being in night school?

Oh, she good.

She loves it.

He ain't told her shit.

She loves it.

I noticed that your voice just went up a whole octave.

Now, from my studies of psychology in grad school, I know that that means that you're bullshitting.

Ain't no bullshit in me.

I tell you what... if you're lying with her, don't lie to her. But I don't... I don't lie.

Sound like some bullshit to me.

Everyone sees right through you.

Okay, how about we...? Mm-hmm.

If we go by your theory about the voice thing...

I think that we're... I think that we're all getting off track. ...he's lied four times.

This boy definitely lying.

I am not. You can't outsmart Mother Nature.

And that's what... that-that's what a woman is.

Brother. Especially a black woman.

You know, how... That's correct.

Girls are smart, dude. Goddamn it.

Like, literally, damn it.

Even if he didn't tell her, so what?

Okay, here's the thing. I told Randy that he was the first guy I slept with... not true.

Hey, I'm trying to introduce myself, and I can't...

You don't respect your queen, 'cause if you did, that bitch would know where you at. Okay.

Teddy.

Don't lie to your queen.

Okay, guys. If you're busting off in her guts like that, she might be carrying your seed.

I feel like this conversation...

So you ain't just lying to her; you lying to your child.

Shit! If it's your bottom bitch, she know you stupid, fam.

All I'm saying, fam, look-look... Forget it.

Okay. How your fiancée don't know where you at?

It's after dark.

This ain't Halloween, fam.

I'm done.

My sister know where I'm at, okay?

And she live all the way in Arkansas.

Okay. Here's the deal, class.

You will be given homework every night just like regular high school.

And now... a pop quiz just so I can get a better idea of where you all are.

Wait, wait. We got a... we got a test on the first day?

Teddy, it's a pop quiz, okay?

Look here, folks.

I am here to teach if you're here to learn.

Otherwise, you can get out of my class right now.

That's what's up.

Welcome to night school.

There you go.

It was terrible, man. Terrible!

Like, she's not like the teachers that we had back in the day.

What? This woman is a brick wall, and I can't... I can't work her.

I can't work a brick wall.

What are you... what are you doing?

I'm working out. I'm trying to shed some LBs.

I want to feel fit. Uh, why am I even asking?

In the meantime, please stop paying for everything, and you have to get a temp job.

You don't think I've been looking for a job?

What are you, crazy? I'm on a treadmill.

The jobs that I want, they are not going to give to a high school dropout.

Well, you can't keep lying to Lisa.

Okay? You know what, I'm gonna go on Monster.com right now, see if anything new popped up.

What are you going... what are you going to find on Monster.com? Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

Okay, here we go. "Sales associate wanted.

Marketing skills a must."

And... wait for it.

"No GED required."

You gotta jump on this, man. This is perfect.

It's chicken from the Lord.

So he... so he made it?

Yes, sir, he did.

Yeah.

I-I can... I can work with this.

You can? Yeah.

Basically, what you want to do... you want to... you want to uplift your customers' palate.

Yes, sir. When they bite into your food, you want their taste buds to scream out, "Hallelujah!"

Preach it, Brother Teddy.

You are a godsend.

I'm a salesman, man.

That's what I do, okay?

Now, when it comes to titles, I don't even care.

"Marketing director"... that's up to you.

"WWJD," at this point. "What would Jesus do?"

Yes, sir. The one thing that I ask is for you to be flexible with the hours, 'cause I'm getting my GED.

You are bettering yourself, Brother Teddy.

Yeah. That's what being a Christian is all about.

Yeah, amen to that.

Amen.

Yeah. Glory be.

This should fit you perfectly.

Brother Teddy, I have been waiting on the Lord to bring me a pint-sized little man like you to fill this out, and here you are.

I'm-I'm not gonna do that.

Brother Isaac, I-I'm a black man.

I can't put on a chicken suit in 2018 and stand on the side of a highway and hawk no goddamn chicken.

Now, if the marketing position isn't what you had in mind, we can figure...

What is going on?

You know what? We're gonna have to put a pin in that.

Is that a fire drill? All right, everybody.

Let's gather round. The hour is upon us.

Where's the closest exit?

It is time to pray. It's time to what?

It's time to pray. Gather round.

Goddamn. What is your deal?

What's...? Hey, lady. Dear Lord: We thank you for bringing little Teddy to us here this morning. Yes, sir.

This little chickadee...

Huh? ...is gonna share the word about your precious poultry with the world.

What I'm not gonna do is do it in...

Ma'am, ma'am.

Strong hands!

Excuse me!

What I'm not gonna do is do it in the chick... Goddamn.

Brother Teddy...

He's in you.

He's in you, ain't he?

Chicken suit or not, we are all praying together right now that you're gonna find your nest here with us today.

Okay. Amen and amen.

Amen!

Amen. Yes, sir!

Welcome, Brother Teddy.

All right, everybody, this is a big day.

Hey, brother, let me holler at you real quick.

Are y'all in the Sunken Place?

Let's share Jesus through our food. Let's go.

The lunch rush is upon us.

What... lunch rush?

It's 10:00 a.m.

I don't understand how that could be considered a lunch rush.

Trust me, Brother Teddy.

Okay, if there... if-if there's any way that I can just talk to you about the... Good morning, ladies.

Hello, Cinnamon.

Roxy.

Hello, ladies.

Tootie, how was the shift?

Hollywood, how you doing?

Good to see you, Leigh.

Hello, Veronica, how was your shift?

Roxy, good to see you.

Now, from your first night of homework, you all should be very familiar with the Pythagorean theorem.

All right? Say it with me.

"Pythagorean..."

"Pythagorean."

"Pathygorinean."

"Theorem." "Theorem."

"Theorem." That's how you say it.

That's what it is.

Hey, yo, Bobby, watch out, fam!

My God. Oh!

What?! Ooh.

Oh!

Shit.

Can't you see I'm trying to learn?

Someone ought to call the cops.

What's happening? Take that!

Ooh! Jesus.

Get off me! Get off me!

He's getting up, he's getting up, he's getting up.

Watch out, fam! Behind you, nigga!

Oh, my God. Oh!

Oh, he just kicked him in the...

Oh, my God! Oh!

Oh! Enough! Yeah! Yeah!

Finish him! Step on his head!

Come here. Break it up. Come on!

Up!

Hey, come on! Oh, hey, man!

I didn't do shit.

That's the stuff right there.

Reminds me of the old days.

They had the wrong guy.

Please continue. You sure you cool, or do we need to just chill and wait for you to make a new shank?

Please continue with the Pythagorean...

"theory-em."

O-Okay.

You know what we ought to do for Bobby?

We should get him, like, some smokes, 'cause that stuff is like currency in prison.

That and ass.

Okay, here we go.

So, this is what we call a right triangle.

And we already know the value of two sides of the triangle.

Oh... That should make it very easy for us to calculate the hypotenuse. Mmm, mmm.

A-squared plus B-squared equals C-squared.

Say that with me, guys.

A-squared plus B-squared equals C-squared.

Very good. Uh, Teddy?

You seem to be getting a real kick out of this.

She got you, Teddy!

You want to come up and solve the problem?

Busted!

If, uh, that's what you... if that's what you want me to do.

Come on up.

Come on, Teddy. You got this.

You got this, Teddy. Teddy!

Teddy! Teddy!

Teddy! Ted, Teddy, Teddy!

Find the value of C.

You know what?

I think there's something in here.

Yo, yo, yo! What up, my night school?

Who you looking for, fam?

I'm the principal of this high school, and I'm just dropping by to check on...

What is he doing here?

I'm studying to get my GED, like everybody else.

So, if you don't mind, I'd like to get back to learning.

Of course.

My apologies for interrupting.

Thank you.

Actually, I would like to observe for a minute, if that's okay.

Please, continue solving the problem.

Forget I'm here.

Cool.

That's fine with me.

Okay, so if I'm gonna do this, let's do it step by step. Let's make sure we do it right.

First things first... let's get rid of this line.

Because it's written sloppy.

So let's get that baby in there. Eight.

Right?

Huh. We got these three sides.

Got A, B, C. Let's split that.

That's there.

Take these twos away. Mmm...

He don't know the answer.

Because that's what confuses you.

And then...

I'm realizing what it is. Eight!

The answer's five.

It's five.

Easy.

Okay, you're looking at five-squared.

Me up here, I don't have time.

I don't have time. Why do I even waste my time?

I don't have time to waste my time on the Pythagorean theorem. It's simple.

It's simple. Wow.

That is very impressive, Teddy.

Very impressive.

I look forward to seeing how you do on the midterm.

My midterm.

All right.

Are we done here, Stewart, or do you want to teach the rest of the class for tonight?

Carry on, Carrie.

I don't like his attitude.

You all have a wonderful class.

Oy! What?

God, that guy is a douchebag.

Are we just gonna gloss over the fact that we just watched a prison fight?

How many classes do we have left?

I actually have to work for four hours right now.

I can give you a ride home for ten bucks, if you want.

Hey, Carrie. Hey.

That was real cool what you did for me in there at the blackboard.

You know, that's what I was talking about when I just say "watching out for each other."

You know, you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours?

Oh, there's not gonna be any more back-scratching, Teddy.

That's the last time that happens.

And what was really going on with you at the board anyways?

Nothing.

Nothing.

No, I was just... I wasn't prepared.

If you're not gonna do the work, drop the class.

Why would you...? No, Carrie.

Hey, I'm gonna do the work.

You'll see. We'll see.

Yes, we will. Great.

Superb. Excellent.

Good. Mm-hmm.

Shit.

Honey, I'm home.

You sleeping?

You up?

Excuse me.

Booty look good, don't it?

Too bad your face gonna be in between them books and not them cheeks.

Go study.

I don't want to study.

Mmm.

Come on, Teddy. Focus.

Focus, Teddy.

Focus!

You'll never get it!

Give it back!

Hey, guys, this is my demo.

♪ No matter what it takes, you know ♪

♪ I'm always gonna keep on fighting ♪

♪ I'm fighting...

Little Mac! What are you doing?

That's my phone. Those were my notes.

You should be studying.

What the hell? Don't be such a dick.

You're gonna study! I hate you!

What's the circumference of that pizza?

The diameter.

Just tell me, how many pepperonis on the pizza?

I'm giving you one star.

I'm gonna drop you off here in a bad neighborhood.

How about that?

Theresa!

It's after 10:00. Hello!

That's my Randy.

Sweetest guy on earth.

Does anybody else want to try to take a crack at this?

I'm kind of busy right now. Mmm!

Babe, you seen my Wite-Out?

What the...? Oh, hell no.

Trina.

What-what-what-what, you got robotic side dick now?

"Fat asses."

You know what fat asses like?

Dudes that have a real job.

Teddy! Get your ass out.

Teddy, if you don't pass that midterm, no way homegirl stays with you.

Huh?

Think about that.

We're gonna have to steal the test.

Whoa.

Mind meld.

I was thinking the exact same thing.

If we being real with it, I need as much help as I can get.

Going from capping bottles to hypotenuses and all that, I'm just as confounded by the material as the rest of y'all. Feel me?

I really hate to admit it, but with the language barrier and all the Lyft driving I've been doing, I'm struggling as well, guys.

I think a caper sounds fun.

When'd you get here, Theresa?

Oh, I've been here the whole time.

People never notice me.

It happens all the time. It's... kind of like a superpower, but... one that comes with a crushing loneliness.

I'm blessed. I'm so blessed.

Yeah, God is good.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Hey, Mila, what about you?

My parents are gonna be really pissed if I get busted again.

Yeah, I'm in. I'm in.

That's what I'm talking about. All right.

I just have one question before we do this.

What's up? Why does Teddy get to be the ringleader, guys? Come on.

Goddamn it, Luis. Not now.

I mean, seriously, man? It was his idea.

He knows this school better than any of us.

Ah. Just never mind the fact that I snuck into a little place... called America.

Ha! That's true!

Luis is hot tonight.


Yo, T. What?

I appreciate you bringing this amazing, blazing Satan chicken.

It's like, it's hot, but it's not.

And I don't like spicy food, but this one...

Let me tell you what else is hot... your breath.

Why are you breathing on the side of my face like that?

Oh. You're smacking all in my ear, man. Stop.

You're still smacking.

Goddamn it, you're done. You're done.

You're done with that.

Really?

God, what-what is your problem, man?

What? I said wear all black. Why didn't you wear black?

Laundry day. All my darks were in the wash.

So you wore yellow?

It's fresh. It's clean.

Get your... get your arm out my face.

Get out of my face.

Focus. Let's go.

Let's go.

Yo, Teddy, what's the play, man?

Last night I saw the janitor cleaning Stewart's office around 8:00 p.m.

I get it... that's the inside man, huh?

No, Bobby, he's not my inside man.

He's the janitor.

Oh, shit.

I got to take this, I got to take it.

Sh-Shit.

Aw.

No, no, no.

Hey, babe.

Hey, baby, I miss you.

Are you still at work?

Uh, yeah, yeah, right now I'm in the, uh, I'm in the break room.

Can I get a tour of the office?

If my baby wants a tour, then she can get a tour.

You always want to see something. Ah!

If I... Oh, Teddy.

Hey. Teddy, oh.

We got a situation here, we got a real...

Hot lava, hot lava. What? Hey.

Okay. Um...

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God!

Aah! Wha...?

God, turtle head sticking out.

Oh, that's a big one. Uh...

Babe, what is going on over there? Oh, big shit.

Honey, that's, uh, that's actually...

...that's actually one of my account managers.

Personalities all over the office.

Uh, nonstop laughs.

Hot lava! Nonstop.

You know how I do... play around... at the office.

Who's...? Hey, yo, what's up, bro?

You hung up on me, man.

Who's that? That's one of my, that's one of my clients there, right there.

Yeah, we were, we were going over his portfolio.

Kind of looks like he's in prison.

Oh, my God, you're so beautiful, baby.

Well, he looks like that

'cause he is... insider trading.

He was wrongfully accused.

You're looking like J.Lo and Beyoncé, mama.

Would you mind showing me your privates?

Enough, Bobby.

Like, turn around, let me see that ass, please, a little tit, something.

Excuse me?

I'm, like, really strong right now.

Like, I could do things to you... legendary shit.

Enough, Bobby.

I'll take some upper thigh, but, for real, I really want to see some punani.

Excuse me?

Listen... oh, my God.

I don't know what you put in me.

It just hit me.

But it feels like the Devil!

It just hit me what he said, honey.

He's saying "piñata."

Man, I ain't see some punani in so long.

Bobby likes to hit piñatas.

No! Let me... you know what I'm gonna do?

Let me, let me call you back.

Uh... I love you, and I... we'll do the tour when I'm done.

Bye, babe.

What was that, Bobby?

Yo, Ted, good looking, bro.

That's my fiancée, man.

You don't talk to her like that.

When I go back to the cell, I got the legendary socky-sock.

You're not having a sock session to my woman.

That's, that's not going to happen.

I'm going all out.

Okay, what is in your ass, Mac?

Cut me a break, man.

I've had enough!

Hold on a second, we got a code red.

We got a code red.

Teddy, I got no toilet paper.

Toilet paper, Teddy, one-time me!

One-time me!

Teddy!

All right, guys, listen.

When the janitor exits, we're gonna go out, we're gonna catch the door.

And then we're gonna enter quietly.

Okay. Okay?

Wait a minute.

Where's Big Mac?

I thought he was with us.

He...

Damn it.

What's he doing?

Oh, my God. What are you doing?

Come on, come on, come on, come on. Mac!

Holy shit, it worked. Oh, my God!

Mac!

Did you just kill him?

No, I didn't kill him.

I just choked him out.

You said no witnesses.

When did I say that?

You didn't say that?

Oh, God.

You know what?

I got my signals crossed.

There's a lot of instructions, Teddy.

I didn't say anything about...

You know what? You are going to fix this.

Do you hear me, Mac? You're gonna hide this body.

Chop him up? Hide...

Burn it? Hide it.

Chop, burn, bury?

Hey. Anybody got anything? No.

All right, Mila, how we looking?

Keep looking.

Suck my balls, Teddy! Shit.

Shit. You should've seen your face.

You look ridiculous. Shh!

All right, I stashed the body, and God willing, he'll wake up in a couple hours.

Also, that baseball coach/ principal guy, he's on his way.

What? Why wouldn't you lead with that?

Damn. It's the PTA meeting.

Oh, shit.

Theresa, you're up.

What? What? I... Listen to me.

Okay. I need you to go out there, and I need you to stall.

Oh, no, no, no, no. I can't flirt.

I-I don't know any moves. I-I don't need that.

I haven't flirted since like 1996, and even then, it was like offering to give the cop a handy to get off a speeding ticket, and guess what.

He didn't take it. I'm bad at it.

That's not what I'm asking you to do.

In my day, it was really innocent.

Now it's all about the butt.

I heard a guy the other day say, "I'm gonna crack that butt like a walnut."

What? What does that even mean?

Why would you start there? Stop it.

Wouldn't you want to start in the front?

Theresa, listen. With a nice missionary position, you know, some gentle touching.

In my day, maybe once in your lifetime, you might get the end of a pinky, and that was the thrill of a lifetime, okay?

Stop it. That's a lot of information that I did not need to know.

Yeah, that was a lot.

Go talk about bake sales.

Mom stuff. Not-not butt stuff. Yeah, mom stuff.

Go mom it. I-I'll try. I'll try.

Okay? Okay. I can do that.

Go, go. Got it. Okay.

Shit. Luis, go out there before she puts something in her butt. Okay.

Okay?

What are you doing, Mac?

Looking for trapdoors.

I'm glad you're here, Mac.

Send it to me first, please.

Right, right. We can e-mail you the rest.

'Cause I just want to... Thank you.

That would be great. I'll send out that e-mail tonight, okay? Yeah. Thank you so much.

Okay, bye. Drive home safe.

Oh, hey.

Hi.

Thank you for that great, wonderful meeting.

I'm sorry, do I know you?

I was in there. Remember?

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Hi. Mrs. Howerton. No, you, uh, just...

Mrs. Howerton. Yes, of course.

No, you brought up, uh, several compelling issues.

I sure did.

Well, what can I help you with?

She sucks at this. Hurry. I'm almost there.

So my child gets an assignment about the solar system, and it's to make a diorama, and he doesn't know how to make a diorama.

I'm the one with the hot glue gun in the middle of the night... it's 11:00 p.m.

I mean, don't get me wrong, we're blessed to go to school here, but I'm... I'm sorry, I have to go.

Okay? Call my office. I will. - Hurry up.

I'm going, I'm going. Calm down.

Come on, Mila.

You've made some great points, but I have to go now. Good night.

Wait a minute. Thank you. I have to go.

Okay, I really have to go. Wait. No.

Wait, wait, wait. What?

Oh! Are you okay?

I feel faint.

Well, let's get you some water.

Are you...? Thanks for catching me.

Of course. Are you all right?

I...

Are you having a seizure?

Do you have something in your teeth?

I wish I had you in my teeth. No, no, no, no, no, no.

Okay, no, I didn't realize that's what this was.

No, thank you, ma'am. Gentle touching.

I am the principal of your child's school.

I have to walk away now, okay? I...

I'm in a loveless marriage. Please.

I am not participating in this!

You don't have to participate. To a professional.

I'll do it. I'll do all the work.

No, I'm... I'll do it all.

If you just... Ma'am.

...look me in the eyes... Ma'am, ma'am.

Not appropriate, okay?

Okay, here it is. Okay?

If this is what you want.

This is what it's about with you.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm not looking.

Crack it open like a walnut.

Thank you. No, thank you. Crack that nut like a walnut.

Thank you. No, thank you.

Crack that nut open. Thank you.

No, thank you. Do what men do with women's asses.

Oh, man.

Just tap it! I can't...

I can't stand here for this, okay?

Give it a crack... Good night.

Come on, give it some.

Oh, that was so hard.

She wanted you so bad.

But you can't go there.

Principals have principles.

Mmm. Oh, but you know Stewie would've tore that ass up, though!

Not a black voice.

Let's see.


Hello? Hello?

Somebody in here?

I have a bat.

And I'm not afraid to use it.

If there is someone in here, you are trespassing.

And I am well within my rights to defend myself.

So come on out, and I won't bash your head.

Help!

Anybody out there?

Get me out of here!

Whoa.

Okay. What the hell, Mac?

That was close. You're damn right it was, Mac.

I wonder why.

Yeah, I... well, it's 'cause I sneezed.

I know what you did.

What?

I got it.

I really tried. I even did the butt stuff.

I told you don't do the butt stuff.

I don't know, fam, might've worked.

Looked like he might've sauced his drawers, real talk.

He what?

He-he was turned on.

Really?

Shit, I was, too.

Hey.

Thanks, Jaylen.

You got that little eco-friendly vibe going.

What's eco-friendly?

Very little waste.

Oh, I thought you meant her bush.

No. Oh, you know what? I'm with that.

Hey, now!

Okay, Jaylen, Jaylen!

We gotta go, y'all. Let's go.

Yeah, let's go. Come on, come on.

Shit.

Who's out there?

Somebody help me, please.

What happened?

I don't know. Someone grabbed me from behind and threw me in the slop sink.

Game face, Lonnie.

We're on lockdown.

Ah, yeah!

That'll get him. Hey!

Oh, shit. Go, go, go! - Hey!

Shit.

What do we...? Hey. Shit.

Oh. Hey, Bobby.

Bobby, shit just got real, man, what do we do?

Man, I don't know, just don't get shot, bro.

What do you mean, "don't get shot"?

Bobby, you're supposed to be a hardened criminal, man.

That can't be your advice.

What the hell'd you go to jail for, Bobby?

I robbed Whole Foods, bro.

I robbed Whole Foods.

That's your crime?

You went to jail for stealing $15 lettuce?

No, bro, you're sleeping.

I moved some coke and some dope in the day, but my kale game... my kale game... No.

Now, that's mean!

Grass-fed beef.

You don't know nothing about no free-range chicken.

Thug life! Jaylen, calm... calm down.

And I had all the farmer markets on smash. No, no.

You don't get to explain.

You don't get to expla... Bye.

All right, y'all, this way.

Attention, intruders.

This is Principal Patowsky.

The exit doors are locked down. There is no escape.

I-I can't believe we're gonna die over a GED practice test.

It's not even a real test. Listen.

I just did this to get out of the house.

I thought this was gonna be fun.

You know, we're gonna break in...

Just shut up! Just shut up!

Shut up! Goddamn!

Been talking about your kids and everything all day!

This ain't the time.

Now, y'all pull it together.

We are fine.

We-we... we are okay.

The roof. Let's hit the roof.

Okay, when I went to school here, that's how we got out of school.

And then we would jump onto the elementary school roof.

Come on!

Move it, move it! This is a bad idea.

Come on! This is a bad idea!

Watch it, watch it. Whoa, whoa!

Whoa, whoa! Whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa.

Oh, my God. Whoa, whoa!

Okay, back up.

Listen to me. Come on!

Swear to you, when I went to school here, that jump did not seem that high.

There's no way I can make that.

I can jump like three feet. My knees and my back are totally shot from moving boxes, Teddy!

All right. What are we gonna do?

What are we gonna do? Listen, listen.

I got it.

Let's just say it's 15 feet.

Oh, God.

Take that 15 feet, minus the three feet that you can jump.

What are you talking about?

All we gotta do is use the Pythagorean theorem.

Nobody was listening in class.

Nobody knows how to do that. Oh, my God.

No, wait, wait, wait. Carrie said... Carrie said, in order to do the Pythagorean theorem, you-you have to know the hypotenuse.

All we gotta do is hypotenuse it.

A-squared plus B-squared equals C-squared.

If you know... know two sides, then that'll help you figure out the third, so it's roughly six feet across, and 15-squared is 225 divided by six-squared...

Hypotenuse it! Wait, what did I just say?

It's 36. Yeah, 36.

But you don't divide it. You add it.

So, what did I just say? The, um... the, uh...

She's the best one at math. Wait, no, uh...

Hypotenuse it! No, no, you can do this.

By six-squared, then... I-I don't know. No.

No, come on. You got this.

Oh, my God!

Mila! Oh, my God!

Oh!

You all right? Guys!

It's not a hard math problem.

It's a simple physics problem.

Just jump.

Did you... did you hypotenuse it?

Yeah, I hypotenused it.

Can you just jump?

Mac, you're up next.

No. No. Yes.

Mac, don't you give me that, okay?

When I think "man," I think you.

I think about how proud Little Mac must be.

I want you to do what you do best and go be great.

Okay. Yeah.

Get across that roof, Mac.

Yeah! Okay! All right?

All right. You got this.

Mac coming in! Step back!

Let's go, Mac. Thank you, Teddy.

Any time.

Mac attack!

Mac attack!

♪ Owner of a lonely heart...

Shit!

Oh, God!

Oh, Teddy!

Oh, why'd I listen to you? Shit.

You were so convincing!

I'm sorry, buddy. Hey.

My arm's kind of tingly.

I think I might have hurt it.

Feels weird, man.

His damn shoulder is in his mouth.

Oh!

Hey.

Big Mac, man, I'm sorry about that.

That hot chicken, it just kind of got on rewind, man.

It was either the back or the front, and I just got these pants, fam.

Oh, God, I'm having the worst night!

Hello, Teddy.

Huh?

Hey, babe.

You don't need to "hey, babe" me.

I know what's going on.

What's, uh, um...

What's going on?

The late hours?

The secrecy?

Just admit it, Teddy.

Just admit what?

It's so obvious.

You're getting cold feet.

Yeah!

Cold feet?

Ever since you proposed, you haven't been yourself.

Cold feet?

Lisa, I am not getting cold feet.

In fact, it's the... it's the complete opposite.

My feet are very warm.

I want this.

And I apologize.

I apologize if things have been a little crazy as of late, but, babe, you gotta know that I am out here.

I'm-I'm... I'm trying.

Okay? I am busting my ass every day, every night, for us.

For me and you.

I'm in a different world out there, babe.

And this world is stressing me out.

It is stressing me out.

I'm sorry I doubted you.

I-I know this career change has been a lot.

It's a lot.

It's so much.

It's so, so much.

Poor baby.

I love you. Oh.

I love you, too.

Does that complete your order?

Oh, wait, h-hold up.

I don't want that apple pie. Yeah, I can't... I'm sorry.

It's-it's kind of hard to hear you.

There's a baby in the background.

Baby, I said be quiet. Sit down!

Yeah, say-say it one more time for me.

Say it... say it again. Is that burger good or what?

Is there any way I can get you to respectfully shut that baby up? What'd you say?

Just pull up to the window, for the love... Heck no!

Oh. Shit.

Shit. It won't work.

I see you, Teddy.

It's not working.

Teddy Walker behind the soda machine.

Hello? Shit.

Teddy Walker. I see you looking at...

We're making eye contact right now.

Open your eyes, Teddy.

Teddy, come here! Stewart.

Hey.

Stewart, you were saying "Teddy"?

About ten times.

Hey. Hey.

Do me a favor. Yep.

Uh, go over there and handle that situation at the drive-through. Uh-huh.

And I'll tell you what to do after that, because I'm in charge.

Hey, so... Hello?

Give me a second. M-Ma'am...

I said I didn't want the pie. Okay, ma'am, ma...

She don't want the pie. Uh-uh.

Take the pie off. She want to get the...

I said I ain't getting a pie.

Pull up! You heard me.

Pull up to the window! All right.

When she pull up, tell me, 'cause I'm gonna come punch the baby in the face.

God don't see everything. Just let me know.

Hey, talk to me, man. How you doing?

You know, I thought it was the Woodbridge punks that broke into the school, but now it all makes sense.

I found this at the scene of the crime.

So, what'd you do, huh?

Break into my computer?

Steal the midterm?

Being a little paranoid, aren't we, Stew?

Am I? Stewart, that's a plastic bag with a chicken wrapper in it with the word "evidence" written on it, which is probably in your handwriting.

It's not exactly a smoking gun, Stew.

It's just a coincidence, right?

Probably.

If you stole that test, I will find out, Teddy.

I'm an honest man trying to make an honest living.

Teddy Walker does not cheat.

You cheated.

Every last one of you... cheated.

Uh... whoa.

Carrie, those are very strong accusations.

For real. Like, what?

I'm offended.

Well, I'll take note of that, Teddy.

Which one of you want to own up to it?

I'm offended, too.

Bobby?

You a criminal.

You obviously not good at it.

That's why you in jail.

Did you orchestrate this whole thing?

I mean, why you gonna pick on me and profile me?

I'm the only one locked up here.

So, if I'm locked up in here, how can I be out there stealing the test, Miss Carrie?

Oh, oh, wait a minute.

Y'all stole the test?

I'm not saying nothing.

I don't know nothing.

I don't know shit.

'Cause I never said nothing about anybody stealing the test.

We're about to get to the truth.

Who stole the test?

Mac?

You want to explain to me how you got a perfect score?

Here's the thing, all right?

I know I didn't get a perfect score, because I missed a few on purpose.

Oh, fudge.

Thank you!

You's a snitch, Mac.

Snitches are bitches.

I don't like cheaters.

And I hate that I am teaching a room full of cheaters.

I don't like men that cheat.

I don't like women that cheat.

I don't even deal with politicians.

You know why? 'Cause they all cheaters.

I don't even eat Cheetos.

You know why? 'Cause it sound like "cheaters."

Plus that Cheeto dust will give you that Trump color.

Yeah. It's hard to get that Cheeto dust off your hands.

It'll mess up your Girbauds.

You know, I liked you at first.

I'm done with all of y'all.

All of y'all can get up out my class.

I'm done with y'all. What?

Okay, Carrie, let me... I want to say something.

What about my GED? He's gonna drop out of high school.

If I don't get my GED, I'm going to prison.

I need this GED.

You need to keep your booty closed.

That's what you need to do. You in jail.

No, I need this GED.

We can't live on Randy's salary.

Please don't make me go home.

I hate my kids.

But I love being a mom.

I'm blessed. I'm so blessed.

Carrie, please.

I cannot live a lifetime of driving around drunks in a Corolla.

Look, the last thing I want to do is be cleaning the rooms at the Best Western.

Okay? 'Cause all that...

Especially them short-stay rooms, 'cause you know what that is, right?

That's just gonna be used condoms, soiled sheets.

Ain't that where you met your bottom bitch at?

You know Trina?

Mm-hmm.

She got a fat ass, too.

You know what? All of you got little sob stories, but y'all should've thought about that before you went and stole the test.

Just get the hell up out of my class.

It's not sob stories. No!

I'm-I'm the one who wants to get my life together.

Let-let-let me tell you something about Jay.

Get out!

Get out! Get out!

All of y'all... It was me.

And I... Hey.

It was me.

Shouldn't be mad at none of them.

I mean, yeah, they looked at the answers, but they wouldn't have if I hadn't put it on their lap.

I take responsibility for it all.

I was the mastermind. I orchestrated the whole thing.

It was all me.

Thank you.

Thank you, Teddy.

I appreciate your honesty.

I'm just trying to do what's right, Carrie.

Now you can get the hell out of my class.

Huh?

Hit the road, Jack.

Don't let the doorknob hit you where the good Lord split you.

I thought that when I said all that stuff, that you would listen to it.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You gets no second chances up in here.

Not with me no more.

Uh-uh. I ain't got your back no more.

You don't even want to be here. I do want to be here.

You don't even want to be here, Teddy.

No. And as for the rest of you, I want you to think long and hard about if you really want this.

Class dismissed.

"Find a solution for the..."

I don't know none of this shit.

I need you.

I need your help. Put your damn hand down.

I'm going to Rainbows before they close.

That's emotional shopping, Carrie.

It's Rainbows, motherfucker.

Shit is cheap.

Teddy, Teddy, Teddy.

You are stupid.

She didn't know what was going on until you admitted it.

We had her right up till the end, and then Teddy, old brick head...

Oh, Teddy!

You deserved that.

A school?

We've never taken on a project like that.

Well, I am an outside-of-the-box thinker.

That's just who I am.

I think that if students are excited about their environment, they'll be excited about learning.

That makes total sense.

I know I would.

Well, I'm glad to hear it.

If you're interested, I'd love to give you a tour of the school.

You could come by any day, or you know what, you could even come after school.

We have several night programs as well.

Hey. Hey.

Okay, show me what you got.

Show me what you got!

What you got for me? Come on.

Light up. What you got?

Oh, you killing me!

You won. Congratulations.

I'm proud of you, boo.

Now, it's not cool that you beat your teacher at Texas hold 'em, but I like the way you nailed down the calculations on the pot odds, so I'm gonna let this slide.

Now, remember what I said.

There are no shortcuts. You gotta work your butt off.

Okay? Give me some love.

Mmm. So proud of you.

Go on and have a good day, now.

Maybe one day, I'll take you to Vegas.

That was cool.

You know, uh, this used to be the special ed classroom when I went here.

It still is.

You teach special ed?

Special ed is one of my sections.

It's one of my favorites, actually.

You know, that kid reminds me a lot of myself.

I couldn't do math for shit when I was in school.

Difference is I didn't have a teacher like you that was willing to stay behind and help me.

I know what you're doing, Teddy.

And I admit it was very cool of you to take the fall for your classmates, but you're a hustler.

Trying to skate by without doing the work.

You should know you can't hustle me.

I do.

Okay? I-I do know that.

And I promise you I'm done.

I'm not hustling no more.

Night school is about second chances.

And if I don't get this second chance, then it's over for me.

Night school is all that I have.

Please.

I'll consider it on one condition.

Whatever it is.

We get you tested.

For STDs? That's not an issue.

I don't mind that. I mean...

Goddamn it.

There was one time where, uh, the condom popped 'cause I put my balls inside of...

No, you idiot.

For learning disabilities.

Nobody cares about your escapades with your bitches.

So, what are the test results, Carrie?

Teddy, the issue is...

...you're clinically dumb.

I knew it.

I knew it was a mistake. I knew it was a mistake.

Boy, I'm sorry. I'm just messing with you.

Come on, Carrie. Look, look.

My suspicions were right, and you, my friend, are dyslexic.

Okay.

Okay, so that just means I'm having problems with my reading and my writing, right?

Yep, but you also have dyscalculia.

Discalcu... I don't even know how to pronounce that.

Basically, it's like dyslexia but with math.

That's what I got.

I knew it.

Now that you say it, it makes sense.

If you take me to a restaurant and you say, "Teddy, leave the tip,"

I'm-I'm all over the place.

That's exactly what it is.

We did it. Oh, we're not done.

You also have a processing disorder.

I got a touch of prostate cancer?

She didn't touch my ass one time.

I said "processing disorder."

Carrie, if you're not going to help me, then we're wasting our time.

Explain to me what this stuff is.

If I got a proc...

Oh, my God.

I'm not processing it.

I didn't process none of that shit.

You are just one big, beautiful mixed drink of learning disabilities.

So I'm not dumb?

Boy, I was just playing when I said that earlier.

No good teacher would ever call their students dumb.

Okay.

So, how do we fix it? Let's talk solution.

Well, there's no cure for what you have.

Oh, my God.

I got learning herpes?

Boy...

Oh, shit.

There is no such thing as learning herpes.

I'm blistering up.

It's 'cause I'm trying to think.

Hey, Teddy! Hey, Mac.

Ringleader. Hi, guys.

Teddy! Yeah, Teddy! Teddy!

Teaching the conventional way just isn't gonna get it done for Teddy, so we're gonna mix it up.

You out here getting it in.

What's going on, Carrie? Why you in here?

Why you in the ring? What's going on?

Teddy, your difficulties are focus-related.

Uh-huh.

My goal is to remove that mind chatter so you can achieve properly unencumbered neural pathways.

And this isn't a ring.

It's a hexagon.

Huh. Oh, it is.

Yeah, well...

Why you taking your shoes off?

Is this somebody's carpet?

Teddy, what's the square root of 81?

What?

Ow! Ow!

Shit! What's the square root of 81?

I don't know. What you do...?

Ow! Carrie! What's the square root of 81?

You breaking my arm!

Come on, we're clearing those neural pathways.

No! Stop. Hey!

What you doing? Focus!

Square root! Focus!

I don't know!

Oh, God!

Concentrate. Teddy, concentrate.

Come on, Teddy, come on.

♪ Na na na-na na na

♪ Na na-na na na na-na na na-na... ♪ How you feeling today, Teddy?

I'm-I'm feeling fine, Carrie, but I ain't feeling this Mr. Miyagi shit, okay?

What's the capital of Belgium?

Uh... waffles.

What? Run!

Don't you run from me.

Don't you run from me. Don't. He's so little.

What is the capital of Belgium?

I haven't eaten breakfast! I don't know!

That is not the answer!

Pretend you're dead.

Oh! Oh! Get back here!

Teddy, focus.

Concentrate. Let's do it.

♪ Ooh, tell you all my deepest, darkest secrets... ♪ Water is comprised of...?

Let's go, Teddy. You got this, Teddy.

Rain. "Rain."

Wait, no. Wait, wait.

I know it, I know it. Um...

Think.

Focus! Um... helium.

No. No, no, no.

Nitrogen. It's nitrogen, right?

You better get it right. It's a gas.

What? It's a gas!

Jesus Christ!

Give me the answer!

Say it!

Give me the damn answer.

Tell me!

It's two part hydrogen, one part... one... one part oxygen.

Yes! Say that again.

He said it. Don't make him say it again.

I said two part hydrogen, one part oxygen.

Teddy, that's right.

You got it right. What?

That's the correct answer.

I got it right.

You got it right, Teddy.

Yeah. Yes.

Yes!

What a big day for all of us.

I can't believe that I actually...

What?

What is that smell? What is that?

Oh, now, that's a gas.

You bust ass in my face, Car...?

Methane.

It's in my mouth.

You got my lips all chapped and shit.

This ain't no type of education.

This is chemical warfare.

AirDrop it to you.

Yeah.

Theresa, what's wrong?

Oh...

I just... this all went so fast.

I don't want school to end.

Okay.

Well, you can come to college with me.

What? You're going? Mm-hmm.

I'm so happy for you.

When did you decide?

Well, don't take this the wrong way, but hanging out with you guys scared the shit out of me.

So I think I'm gonna... I think I'm gonna do something with my life.

That's wonderful.

I can just see you now in the cutest outfit... little miniskirt... walking through the quad.

You're clutching onto your philosophy thesis.

But when you get to class, the professor is blown away by how brilliant it is. Yeah.

So he grabs onto you, and you can feel him up against your thigh.

Uh... Not in a sexual way, but not not in a sexual way, you know?

And he looks strangely like Bruno Mars.

Even though he's super academic, he wears, like, pink blazers sometimes.

Well, you can still go to college and do... that other stuff.

Me? College?

Oh, no. Randy wouldn't let me.

Screw Randy. You can do whatever you want to do.

You don't know Randy.

Why can't you just be like, "Hey, Randy.

I want to do this. Deal with it."

Okay!

Night school people.

Last class, final demonstration.

Carrie, please, no more learning.

My brain is at capacity.

I want to be a dental hy-enist, not Elon Musk or Stephen Hawking.

Well, okay, Luis.

I'm right there with you.

Ha!

Oh, no.

Is this another science experiment?

Oh, no, this is a celebration, Big Mac.

Oh, yeah. You guys been working your asses off.

Hey! Shit!

Oh, I'm so sorry, Bobby.

No, that's cool. I'm gonna make me some toilet punch after lockdown, baby.

Y'all-y'all hear that music?

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, you know what, it's prom night.

You guys go to prom?

No, I was in juvie. Really?

I was home with an infant.

This is a sign, guys.

What? Yeah, we've been working hard.

We should let some steam off.

Why don't we go to the prom?

You know what? Class dismissed.

Let's go shake that ass.

Let's go to prom, baby! Let's go to prom!

Oh, my God!

♪ Just a slave to the game, I'm like a bird... ♪ What the hell, Theresa?

I've been outside honking for like 15 minutes.

♪ I feel like I can break through the ceiling ♪

♪ So I find myself a place without missing a beat ♪

♪ Where they buy me a drink

♪ A place where I can dance like I'm free ♪ Don't talk to me like that.

♪ I'll dance until these chains fall... ♪ I'm your wife. I'm not your mommy, and I'm not your house cleaner.

And when I get my GED, I'm gonna pursue my dreams, and I'm gonna need your support.

And also, I want to have sex on a regular basis.

Oh. Mmm!

I mean, like, kinky sex.

Like, not make-a-baby sex, but 45-minute sex.

Like, Fifty Shades of Grey sex.

Hmm?

I want you to crack my butt like a walnut.

Do I make myself clear?!

Okay, okay.

I'm so sorry, babe.

I think you're a freakin' rock star.

And judging by what you just said to me, I can't wait to be your porn star.

Whoa.

All right, y'all, we got the party up in here tonight!

That's a clean batch.

I want this punch to stay that way.

Gonna be checking throughout the night.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Excuse me. This dance is for students only.

Well, this is my night school class, and they are students here.

Okay, well, technically, technically, you're still on school hours, so, Miss Carter, please return to your classroom.

Well, we gonna spend our class hours in the gym, at the party. Carrie.

So get out of the way, bitch. Move!

I can't allow this. She got you. She got you.

Man, why you always about that rah-rah, man?

I'll allow this. I'll allow this to happen.

We just trying to get a vibe, though.

All right, Piedmont High, make room for the night school crew!

♪ One, two, three, uh!

♪ My baby don't mess around... ♪ Watch out, watch out, watch out!

♪ And this I know for sure Everybody, come on!

♪ Uh!

♪ Thank God for Mom and Dad for sticking to together... ♪ Oh, Miss C gonna kill 'em!

♪ Yeah! Huh!

♪ Hey ya Yeah!

♪ Hey ya

♪ Hey ya Pelvic, pelvic, pelvic.

♪ Hey ya

♪ Here we go, uh, shake it, shake-shake it ♪

♪ Shake it, shake-shake it ♪ Oh, oh

♪ Shake it, shake-shake it

♪ Shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it like ♪

♪ A Polaroid picture ♪ You know what to do

♪ Shake it, shake it, shake it ♪

♪ You know what to do

♪ Shake it, shake it, sh-sh-shake it ♪

♪ You know what to do

♪ Hey ya

♪ Oh, oh

♪ Hey ya Go, Theresa!

♪ Oh, oh

♪ Hey ya

♪ Oh, oh ♪ She's twerking! She's twerking!

♪ Hey ya She's twerking!

Go, T! Crack my walnut!

That's not for kids, Theresa!

♪ Oh, oh Go, T!

♪ Hey ya...

♪ Ooh, ooh

♪ Oh, oh

♪ Hey, hey

♪ The dream is all that keeps me alive ♪

♪ No matter what it takes

♪ You know I'm always gonna keep on fighting ♪

♪ I'm fighting

♪ I'm never gonna let the dream go ♪

♪ I'll take this all the way

♪ Nobody's ever, ever gonna stop el sueño ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ No desert, no snake gonna take me down ♪

♪ Take me down ♪ Take me down, no way... ♪ Wait, s-sweetheart, who-who's watching the kids?

I got it covered.

She said, "I want to be a flight attendant."

You see?

"I want to go from place to place.

It'd be like going..."

Is y'all little bitches listening?

You know, Carrie, you are incredible.

I'm serious.

There's never been a teacher that believe in me the way that you do.

Teddy, what can I say?

You've grown so much in such a short period of time.

And if you keep up with all the stuff that we've been doing, you are well on your way.

I'm just...

I'm really, really proud of you.

You know, Carrie, uh... these past few weeks have been amazing.

I mean, our chemistry, it goes without saying, it's strong.

I sense it. I know you do, too.

But as magical as these moments that we've been having may be...

Fool, I'm gay.

I'm not trying to play.

Now, I'm not saying I ain't no freak, 'cause I'd drop it off on you.

I'm a lesbian.

If you want to pursue acting, you can.

No, I'm gay.

Say that again. It sound like you said you're gay.

I'm gay.

I like women.

Are you sure? Because I'm getting a whole different vibe. Oh, hell no!

I'm pretty sure. Oh, God.

Teddy?

Is the, is the one on the left your type?

Uh-uh, the one in the tight dress is.

Shit, that's mine.

Hey.

There they go.

What are you doing here?

Huh?

What are you doing at a high school prom?

What, uh... what-what are you doing here, babe?

Why you... why you here?

Principal Patowsky is interested in us redesigning the school, so he asked us to stop by...

Oh, he did, huh?

Well played, Stewart.

You two know each other?

Ask Stewart.

Uh, yes, we went to high school together.

I think I mentioned that at our first meeting.

No. No, you didn't.

Teddy, I am so confused.

Why are you here? And who is she?

I can explain. It ain't what it look like.

I'm in here with a bunch of kids, dressed in street clothes.

Then remember I blew out the, uh, Barbecue Shack.

Fire took me out of that thing.

And now my windshield was-was messed... got me messed up about the car.

My brakes ain't working, 'cause I backed into this, um...

She gay. She ain't even...

She ain't even interested in me.

So... so...

Goddamn it.

Lisa.

Not now. Not now. Wait.

Lisa.

Okay, Lisa.

Lisa, Lisa.

Lisa, can you listen, please?

Lisa, please just listen.

What? What are you gonna say, Teddy?

I'm a high school dropout.

Okay? That woman in there, Carrie... that's my night school teacher.

That's what I've been doing all these evenings.

I've been studying to get my GED so that I can get a job at Marvin's.

So you don't work there now?

I don't...

I don't work there yet.

Right now I work at a fast food restaurant called Christian Chicken, where the chicken is Christian for some reason.

Oh, wait. L-Lisa, Lisa, Lisa, let me just say this before you judge him.

It ain't that average chicken.

It's not the same fast food that you be getting from these other little hood spots.

It's got the flavor... I don't know if they use a needle, but they get the flavor... Jaylen, Jaylen, Jaylen!

How do you know my name?

My nigga be talking about you in the class all the time.

He said you was bad. I didn't know you was that bad.

We're Teddy's classmates. I'm Theresa.

That's Jaylen, Mila, Mackenzie, and Luis. Hey.

You remember me? I-I was actually the waiter at the restaurant when Teddy pulled all of his pubes, and then... and he put 'em in the cheesecake to get out of paying.

Now we're best friends.

Thank you for your honesty.

Honesty.

I know... that this is a lot to take in.

Really?

But if you let me explain...

No. If you just... if you let me explain...

No, Teddy, I'm done with your explanations.

You lied to me about everything.

Why?

To impress me?

Teddy, I make my own money.

You think I care about what kind of car you drive or what kind of watch you have on?

That's not me.

If you think that, then you don't know me.

That's not true.

If you don't know me, then you couldn't truly love me.

That's not true, Lisa.

Don't come back to the apartment tonight.

Well, maybe you could stay with your night school friend.

Maybe she'd have some use for this.

It's probably fake, right?

Lisa.

Lis...

Lisa!

I cut the crust off, just how you like it.

Thanks, Ma.

You're not seriously skipping that GED test, are you?

Yeah.

I mean, I was doing all that stuff for Lisa.

If she's not around, then what's the point?

My poor baby, I feel terrible.

Oh, Gladys, now, stop coddling this boy.

You know, Theodore, you're a grown-ass man.

You need to get your shit together.

I know, Dad.

I mean, you say you got dyslexia, "dyscoglia."

Dyscalculia.

However you say it.

The issue is you're dishonest.

I don't blame that girl for dumping you.

Now, Gerald, that is enough. Uh-huh.

You know, maybe you're right.

Maybe I do deserve it.

You think?

I was being sarcastic.

I'll get your bed ready, baby.

Would you like a tuck-in?

Yes, please.

Thank you, Mom.

Anything for you, darling.

I failed.

I failed as a father.

A tuck-in?

Oh, my gosh, why'd he come on the bus like that?

I don't know. He ain't got no friends.

What's the problem?

Christian Chicken!

♪ Call me Mr. Pitiful...

Honk once if you love chicken.

Honk twice if you love the Lord.

Come and get your chicken if you... ready to start winning.

Hey.

Sellout!

What?

You a sellout, man.

Brother, I'm just trying to make an honest living.

Why don't you get off my back?

Go get a job at the post office, then.

Get your ass up out of here. What? Say it again!

Come on, man!

Go ahead with that.

Stay woke, brah.

Yeah, well, I see you ate the chicken, you son of a bitch.

So, this is what it's come to, huh?

You got some nerve, man.

Teddy, look.

I came here to apologize.

I'm on my break.

I ain't got time for this. Teddy, please, just listen.

I don't want to hear nothing you got to say, man.

No, please just listen to me.

I don't have nothing to say to you.

I just... well, I have something to say to you, okay?

What? What? Give me 30 seconds, okay?

30 seconds. Go.

Listen, when-when we were in high school, you had everything that I wanted.

You got 28 seconds left.

I had grades. That's all I had.

You-you had sports, friends, girls.

I sucked at all that. 20.

I was 27 when I got my first hand job.

You're at one, but before I... before I walk away, I want to tell you that's sad.

That's my point. I don't care.

Why are you telling me? My point is...

I was a late bloomer, and I was desperate and sad, and I blamed you.

And the other night, when I got my revenge, it felt awful.

I got into education to make a difference in people's lives, not to ruin them.

Also, I told Stewart here I'd beat his ass if he didn't come and apologize.

That is true. That was a part... part of it, a small part.

Okay, you know what, guys?

I appreciate the whole after-school special moment.

But understand that I am okay.

I am where I'm supposed to be.

All right? Your destiny is to work at a fast food joint next to a strip club?

Yes. All right, if I stand in the right spot in this parking lot, I can smell cocoa butter and fried chicken at the same time.

And I don't know about you guys, but that's a win for me.

Teddy, l-listen to me. Ted... Ain't no "Teddy, listen."

You know I wasn't gonna pass that test, so don't sit here and act like it wasn't gonna be a different story.

And don't act like you don't want to be able to finally say that I'm dumb.

No, you're not.

You can finally say it, Stew. Say it.

Teddy... you are a lot of things.

A hustler.

A liar.

You're very short.

Mad loud, too. Mmm.

But you are not dumb.

Now, this suit you got on is dumb as hell.

I rebuke you. You...?

Rebuke. I rebuke you!

Boy... give me this thing. I'm going to work.

Now, let me go back to... What you doing?

What you doing, man? Take this suit off, and you gonna take this test. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, let's use our words. You gonna take this test.

All right, come here. You know what?

What you doing? She has a belt.

She's got a belt!

You gonna take this suit off. Hey!

Uh, guys, guys, guys, guys...

You stop! You stay there! Get off me!

It's gonna hurt me more than it's gonna hurt you.

Oh, God, I can't be a part of this.

Gonna tear your ass up!

Okay, this seems like a black thing, so I-I'm just gonna order us some food.

All right! All right! Now, listen to me.

You listening to me? Yes.

Now, you have worked too hard to be running around here in a damn holy chicken suit.

Okay? Yes.

Now, either you get in the car and you take that test, or I continue to tenderize your ass!

Your choice.

Are you ready? Good luck, guys.

Yeah. I'm back.

Hey, Carrie.

Teddy! Aw, Teddy's back.

Good to see you, bro. What's up, Ted?

Hey, Teddy. Teddy! Teddy!

Yes!

What up, king?

Come on, man.

Let's do this.

Our hero returns.

Okay. We're complete.

So let's turn on those computers and ace this thing.

Go.

Okay, robot.

You bowing down to a god today.

Good luck, everybody.

Ah.

Come on, Teddy.

Focus.

Concentrate.

Get rid of that mind chatter.

Come on. Focus.

Focus! Oh, God!

Focus. You better get it right.

Focus, focus, focus!


Yeah!

Shh.

Okay, everybody calm down, all right?

The results will be in online in just a minute.

If you get over 145, you pass. She's right.

All right, you do the hard work, you get rewarded for it.

No need to panic.

Hey, hey, hey. The results just came in.

Oh, shit. Oh, my gosh. Uh...

I passed. I got a 146!

146! Nice! Yeah!

Way to go. Yes!

Management, here I come, baby!

He deserved that.

168. Oh!

Swim big!

I don't have to do housework anymore.

I passed! Yay! Bobby passed.

Bobby passed, y'all. Yes, Bobby.

165, B!

Way to go, man.

I'm going to college. Yeah!

She ready! - Hey! Proud of you, kiddo.

Proud of you, kiddo.

Guys. Guys.

I'm... I'm gonna be a dental hy-enist.

"Hygienist." He's saying "hygienist."

I'm gonna be a dental hy-enist.

Yes. It's good for you, man.

Y'all ready for this?

What? Jay got a 146!

Jay got a damn 146!

Same as you, fam! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! We won this! Proud of you guys.

You said it. What you got?

What you got? Come on, Teddy.

Come on, Teddy.

I can't. I can't check it.

Here, Carrie, here, you check mine for me.

Oh, God.

I'm too nervous, man.

Come on.

Genius level.

That's right.

Whew!

Teddy, I'm sorry.

Come on, Carrie. Don't play right now.

Just... just tell me the score.

Tell me what I got.

I'm not joking with you this...

You didn't pass.

I got a 117.

I'm sorry, Teddy.

It doesn't matter. You know why?

Because this is a... this is a minor setback for a major comeback.

Yes. I'm-a take the test again, guys.

That's right. Yes. You should!

I'm-a take the test again. You take it again!

You're taking it again. That's right.

I said I'm-a take it again!

Oh, God, he's doing that thing with his voice.

Yeah, I know. I heard it, too.

I'm-a take the test again!

♪ Hey, hey

♪ Some people sometimes

♪ They think they need to call it a day... ♪

Is everybody getting the same number?

Hey, Marv. Yeah?

I failed.

You failed the test?

But I'm-a take it again.

That's why you stopped by?

♪ Ain't never been caught up... ♪ I failed again.

Yep, but I'm-a take it again now.

I'm-a take it again.

♪ I'm saying I see my future... ♪ Hey, y'all.

I definitely didn't pass that one.

I mean, there was a whole section that I didn't even understand.

I'm-a take it again, though.

You sure he's not just dumb?

Well, the new test results just came in.

I failed.

Wait a minute.

Wait, I passed.

You what?

A 178. That's, like, college, right?

I passed.

You passed?

♪ Hey...

I passed! I passed!

You killed it, son.

I did it, man! I did it!

Hey, watch your back. Watch your back!

Oh, yeah!

Teddy! Teddy! Whoa!

Teddy! Teddy! I passed!

Teddy! Teddy!

Thank you! Thank you!

I don't deserve it!

We, the class of 2018, represent a generation of forward-thinking, rule-challenging, fearless leaders.

Let us go forward from this day with confidence and with courage.

As we cross this stage, let us do so with the knowledge that with faith in ourselves, nothing is impossible.

Thank you.

Beautiful and inspiring words.

Thank you, Mikayla.

Now, before we conclude, I'm sure some of you are wondering why we have adult students with us onstage.

Well, as you all know, I am an innovator.

A maverick.

I don't play by the...

So I have decided, for the first time in Piedmont history, to invite our night school graduates to join our seniors.

They have elected one of their own to speak on their behalf.

It is with great pride that I introduce Mr. Teddy Walker.

Hey, all right.

Yeah! You got this, Teddy.

You got this. Teddy! Teddy!

Teddy! Teddy!

Teddy! Teddy! Teddy!

Teddy! Teddy!

Teddy!

Uh, let me just start off by telling you guys a little something about me.

I'm Teddy Walker, and...

I'm a liar.

For years, I've been pretending to be somebody else.

Somebody that I'm not.

And my reason for doing that is because I was ashamed.

Ashamed that I didn't learn like my classmates.

Ashamed that I couldn't take a test.

Ashamed that I let my family and my friends down.

I mean, I put so much time and energy into creating this fake version of Teddy Walker that I forgot the value that went into learning in school.

I'm talking about honesty.

I'm talking about accepting who you are.

And it wasn't until I met my amazing night school classmates and... and a teacher that actually believed in me...

...that I was able to accept who I was.

As a loudmouth hustler with a boatload of learning disabilities.

You know, for any of you who may have struggled to get it right the first time... Lisa. - Hi.

...that I am living proof that you can get it together on a second chance.

I mean, I done had a lot of chances.

Mm-hmm.

'Cause I messed up a lot. Mm-hmm.

But I made it to the other side.

I mean, hell, we all did.

Ain't that right, night school crew?

Hell yeah.

We all got second chances.

And to my dad.

He was... he was tough on me.

He said some things, but he said it out of love.

Dad, I know you ain't never mean it when you used to say some of the things that you used to say.

You know, you used to say stuff like, "I wish I ain't never had you."

Or like, uh, "That was a waste of sperm." Oh!

Oh. "Oh, God, if I could get that nut back." I remember you said that.

But all that stuff was said out of love to motivate me and push me.

And you thought you didn't do good, but look at me now.

Anything is possible!

I did it!

Yeah! Hurray! Go, Teddy!

Hey, Dad.

I did it, Dad!

I told you.

What'd I tell you?

Okay. Okay.

Yeah!

Can't believe I took off work for this shit.

Thank you, guys, for the flowers.

Look what it says.

Hey! Well, I definitely need the work.

I need the money, so... That's, uh... that's Teddy.

When's the last time you were in love?

I work. I have a job. I'm saving lives. Okay. Okay.

Okay. You love your job. That's what I love to do.

Oh, there he is.

My little, smart, dumb-ass brother.

I'm so proud of you.

Oh, thank you. Yes.

Good to see you. Good to see you.

Thank you. Yes.

Ah. Give me some, man. Ah! Congrats.

Thank you, man. How do I look? Do I look smart?

You look unbelievable. Let me see your smart face.

Hmm. Hit it. One, two, three.

Show me the smart face.

Yeah, it's still stupid. Show it to me.

That's it. - I love it. Okay, that's fine.

Okay. All right. That's all right.

Call me.

Hey.

That was a beautiful speech, Teddy.

That's the guy I fell in love with.

Then allow me to reintroduce myself.

I'm Teddy Walker.

I'm a high school dropout.

I work at a fast food joint.

I live with my mom.

And I take the bus.

But I would love...

I would absolutely love it...

...if you would let me take you on a date.

Nice to meet you, Teddy Walker.

I'd like that.

You're gonna have to pay for everything because I... I don't have any money.

Oh, I figured.

I mean, like no money.

I got you.

Let's do a photo.

Night school photo.

"GED" on three. You ready?

"GED" on three. One, two, three.

GED!

♪ Huh! Hey ya

♪ Hey ya... Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey, hey, hey!

What is going on?

It's turn-up time, Stewart.

Well, this... is my house. Prove it.

♪ One, two, three, uh!

♪ Shake it, shake-shake it, shake it ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪ Shake it, shake it

♪ Shake it, shake it, shake it ♪

♪ Shake it like a Polaroid picture ♪

♪ All right, all right, all right ♪

♪ All right, all right, all right, all right ♪

♪ All right, all right, all right ♪

♪ All right, all right, all right, all right ♪

♪ Oh, oh

♪ I... ♪ Here we go.

♪ Pat yourself on the back

♪ You just did that ♪ Hey ♪

♪ Pat yourself on the back 'cause ♪

♪ On the back ♪ ♪ You just did that

♪ You just graduated

♪ You need a vacation

♪ Thanks for all your patience ♪

♪ Hands up 'cause we made it

♪ Hands up ♪ ♪ Everyone go

♪ Oh-oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Oh, oh-oh, oh

♪ Oh-oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Oh, oh-oh, oh

♪ You just graduated

♪ Put your hands up 'cause you made it ♪

♪ Hands up ♪

♪ First in the fam, I made it

♪ First ♪ ♪ First in the fam graduatin' ♪

♪ First ♪ ♪ Put a lot of time in

♪ I almost failed it ♪ Failed it ♪

♪ I'm talkin' bad, bad grades, you couldn't save me ♪

♪ Bad, bad ♪ ♪ Middle finger

♪ Every teacher tried to play me ♪

♪ "F" you ♪ ♪ Now I'm on their playlist

♪ Yeah, they play me ♪ Ah ♪

♪ Mama said it wasn't crazy, didn't faze me ♪

♪ At all ♪ ♪ You want a class reunion

♪ Now you gotta pay me ♪ Check ♪

♪ I know my whole alma mater probably hate me ♪

♪ So? ♪ ♪ I was the class clown

♪ Now I flex Grammys

♪ They all pregnant, shit, I'm flyin' on a Bentley ♪

♪ And when you picked 'em, bitch ♪

♪ You should've picked me ♪ That ♪

♪ Hey, you just graduated

♪ You need a vacation

♪ Thanks for all your patience ♪

♪ Hands up 'cause we made it

♪ One, two, hands up ♪ ♪ Everyone go

♪ Oh-oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Oh-oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Oh, oh-oh, oh

♪ You just graduated

♪ Put your hands up 'cause you made it ♪

♪ Hands up ♪ ♪ When I walk across the stage ♪

♪ I ain't lookin' back ♪ Lookin' back ♪

♪ When I walk through that door ♪

♪ I ain't comin' back ♪ Comin' back ♪

♪ Take my cap and gown off, then I throw my hat ♪

♪ Whoo! ♪ ♪ Pat my dawg on the back

♪ 'Cause he did that ♪ My dawg ♪

♪ Kiss my crush in the mouth 'cause it's 'bout time ♪

♪ I hope you're all about your money, 'cause I'm 'bout mine ♪

♪ Check ♪ ♪ I'm-a miss homecoming

♪ Miss spring break ♪ Spring break ♪

♪ Please don't try to be my friend, 'cause it's too late ♪

♪ You think I'm-a let you play me like a dumb-ass? ♪

♪ Never ♪ ♪ I learned how to count a check ♪

♪ Up in math class ♪ Clever ♪

♪ I learned unprotected sex ain't so bad ♪

♪ Mmm ♪ ♪ I had friends that passed out ♪

♪ Some didn't pass, thank God

♪ You just graduated

♪ You need a vacation

♪ Thanks for all your patience ♪

♪ Hands up 'cause we made it

♪ Hands up, hands up ♪ ♪ Everyone go

♪ Oh-oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Oh-oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh-oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Oh-oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ You just graduated

♪ Put your hands up 'cause you made it ♪

♪ Hands up ♪ ♪ Everyone go

♪ Oh-oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Oh-oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh-oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Oh-oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ You just graduated

♪ Thank you for your patience

♪ Everyone go

♪ Oh-oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Oh-oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh-oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Oh-oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ You just graduated

♪ Put your hands up 'cause you made it ♪

♪ Hands up ♪ ♪ Oh-oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Oh-oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh-oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Oh-oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ You just graduated

♪ Thank you for your patience

♪ Everyone go

♪ Oh-oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Oh-oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh-oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Oh-oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ You just graduated

♪ Put your hands up 'cause you made it ♪

♪ Hands up.

♪ Nobody's ever, ever gonna stop el sueño ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ No desert, no snake gonna take me down ♪

♪ Take me down, no way ♪

♪ Nobody's ever, ever gonna stop el sueño ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ I'm always gonna find the strength to survive ♪

♪ To survive ♪

♪ El sueño, el sueño

♪ El sueño, el sueño, el sueño ♪

♪ I'm living the dream

♪ Out here busy gettin' money

♪ I got two bad... countin' for me ♪

♪ I want a seven-digit house on the hill ♪

♪ I'm-a do it good! ♪ This is my dream

♪ You know I keep it trill

♪ They call me Young Coconut, I'm en la playa ♪

♪ Playa! ♪ Don't get it twisted

♪ 'Cause I'm never gonna retire ♪ ♪ Oh, hell no! ♪

♪ I Uber in these streets, I'm wildin' with my peeps ♪

♪ I got a stripper on my seat

♪ 'Cause she know Jay brought that beat ♪

♪ El sueño

♪ Nobody's ever, ever gonna stop el sueño ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ No desert, no snake gonna take me down ♪

♪ Take me down, no way ♪

♪ Nobody's ever, ever gonna stop el sueño ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ I'm always gonna find the strength to survive ♪

♪ ¡El sueño! ♪