Ninotchka (1939) Script

Is there anything I can do for you, monsieur?

No. No, no.

Yes, monsieur?

Just looking around.

Comrades, why should we lie to each other? It's wonderful.

Let's be honest. Have we anything like it in Russia?

BOTH: No.

Can you imagine what the beds would be in a hotel like that?

They tell me when you ring once, the valet comes in.

When you ring twice, you get a waiter.

And do you know what happens when you ring three times?

A maid comes in. A French maid.

Comrades, if we ring nine times-- Let's go in.

Just a minute.

I have nothing against the idea, but I still say...

...let's go back to the Hotel Terminus.

Moscow made our reservations there. We are on an official mission...

...and we have no right to change the orders of our superiors.

Where is your courage, Buljanoff?

Are you the Buljanoff who fought on the barricades?

Now you are afraid to take a room with a bath?

-I don't want to go to Siberia. -I don't want to go to Hotel Terminus.

And I don't want to....

-No, no. -Listen to me.

Look, Buljanoff, if Lenin were alive, he would say:

"Buljanoff, comrade, for once in your life, you're in Paris.

Don't be a fool. Go in there and ring three times."

He wouldn't say that.

What he would say is: "You can't afford to live in a cheap hotel.

Doesn't the prestige of the Bolsheviks mean anything to you?

Do you want to live in a hotel...

...where you press for the hot water and cold comes...

...and when you press for cold water, nothing comes at all?"

Phooey, Buljanoff.

I still say our place is with the common people.

But who am I to contradict Lenin? Let's go in.

-Are you the manager? -Yes, monsieur.

Pardon me for introducing Comrade Iranoff...

-...member of the Russian Board of Trade. -Monsieur.

-This is Comrade Kopalski. -Monsieur.

-And I am Comrade Buljanoff. -Monsieur.

May I ask you how much your rooms are?

Well, gentlemen, I'm afraid our rates are rather high.

Why should you be afraid? Heh.

I might be able to accommodate you.

-Is there some more luggage? IRANOFF: Yes.

But have you a safe big enough to hold this?

I'm afraid we have no boxes of that size in the vault...

-...but there's a suite with a private safe. -That's even better.

-But, gentlemen, I'm afraid-- -He's always afraid.

I just wanted to explain.

The apartment may suit your convenience...

...but I doubt whether it will fit your convictions.

-It's the royal suite. -The royal suite?

Just a minute.

Comrades, I warn you, if it gets out in Moscow that we stay in the royal suite...

...we'll get into terrible trouble.

We just tell them we had to do it on account of the safe.

That's a perfect excuse. There was no other safe big enough.

-That's right. -That's fine.

Of course, we could take out the pieces...

...and distribute them in three or four boxes in the vault...

...and take a small room.

-That's an idea, isn't it? -Yes, that's an idea.

But who said we have to have an idea?

-That's right. Ha-ha-ha. -That's very good.

-Give us the royal suite. -Step this way, please.

[SAFE CLOSES]

Hello.

Please connect me with Mercier. Yes, the jeweler.

Hell--? Hello? No, I want to speak to Monsieur Mercier personally.

Yes.

Hello, Monsieur Mercier?

This is Iranoff, member of the Russian Board of Trade.

Yes, we arrived this morning. Oh, thank you very, very much.

Yes, we have everything here. The necklace too.

All 14 pieces at the.... What?

No, Monsieur Mercier.

The court jewels of the Grand Duchess Swana consisted of 14 pieces.

Why don't you check on that?

Of course, we have all the necessary credentials.

Will you take care of the royal suite? I'll be back in 10 minutes.

-All right, Rakonin. -Thank you very much. Thank you.

-8 rue de Chalon. -Yeah, monsieur.


-Hello, Leon. -Morning, Swana.

It's really a wretched morning. Wretched. I can't get myself right.

I wanted to look mellow and I look brittle.

My face doesn't compose well. It's all highlights.

How can I dim myself down, Leon? Suggest something.

Oh, I'm so bored with this face. I wish I had someone else's face.

Whose face would you have if you had your choice?

Oh, well, I guess one gets the face one deserves.

There's one marvelous advantage to your conversation.

However many questions you ask, you never expect an answer.

-Don't you find that restful? -Mm-hm.

-Good morning, darling. -Good morning.

-Why didn't you come last night? -Darling, I was looking after your interests.

Did you win?

We can forget horse racing, roulette, everything.

Our worries are over. You remember the platinum watch with the diamond numbers?

-You'll be in a position to give it to me now. -Oh, darling, you're so good to me.

We could be rich, if you say the word. I had dinner with the Guizots last night.

-Those awful newspaper people? -You'd be surprised...

-...how many nice people dine with the Guizots. -Gruesome proof of the power of the press.

I sold Monsieur Guizot the idea of publishing your memoirs...

-...in the Gazette Parisienne. -What?

The Life and Loves of the Grand Duchess Swana.

Oh, Leon.

We won't have to worry about our future if you're willing to raffle off your past.

[KNOCKING]

SWANA: Come in.

Count Rakonin asks the privilege of a few words, Your Highness.

-Rakonin? -He's a waiter at the Clarence, poor devil.

-You know him. -Oh, yes.

I won't be able to see him for half an hour.

The count says if it could be as soon as possible.

It's luncheon time, and he's just between courses.

I'll see him right away.

-l can't get myself right today-- -Count Rakonin's between courses.

-My little Volga, mwah, boatman. -Mm.

-How do you do, my friend? Won't you sit? -Your Highness.

-Your Highness, forgive this intrusion-- -Have you lost your job?

No, madame. Something of the utmost importance.

-It concerns your jewels. -My jewels?

I remember one birthday of His Majesty, our beloved Czar...

...I had the honor of being on guard.

I still see you bending before His Majesty. You wore your diadem and a necklace.

-Why do you bring this up now? -They are here. Your jewels, here in Paris.

-Alexis, do you know what you're saying? -This morning, three Soviet agents arrived.

I overheard a telephone conversation with Mercier, the jeweler.

-They're going to sell them. -Did I hear something about jewels?

Rakonin has just given me the most amazing news.

You know Count d'Algout. I must call my lawyer at once.

-I'm sorry, Your Highness. I have to leave. -Thank you. I'll get in touch with you.

-Hello. Balzac, 2769. -AuU revoir.

Au revoir.

This is Swana.

I want to speak to Monsieur Cornillon. It's very important. Get him right away.

Hello, Monsieur Cornillon? The most incredible thing has happened. My jewels are in Paris.

Three Bolshevik swine are trying to sell them.

Yes. Yes.

Now, we must act immediately. Call the police, have them arrested.

Well, then get an injunction.

But do something, Monsieur Cornillon!

But they are my jewels.

There must be some way of getting them back.

-What does he say? -But how can there be a question?

Are you my lawyer or theirs?

Oh.

It's all right. Yes, all right, I will call you later.

-What did he say? -They're pretty hopeless.

There may be a chance, that's all.

The French government has recognized Soviet Russia...

...and he doubts they will risk a war for my poor sake.

He might be able to make up some kind of a case, but it would cost money.

Money, money, that's all they are interested in, those lawyers.

Darling, calm down, calm down. Why do you need a lawyer?

Haven't you your little Volga boatman?

Very good, excellent, superb.

It'd be foolish to belittle the quality of the merchandise...

-...but your terms are impossible. -My counteroffer is the maximum.

But Monsieur Mercier--

Gentlemen, I'm going to let you in on a little secret.

We are undertaking this deal only because of the prestige involved.

-And, frankly, we're expected to take a loss. -Capitalistic methods.

They accumulate millions by taking loss after loss.

[PHONE RINGS]

This is Buljanoff, Iranoff, and Kopalski.

Who? Count d'Algout?

No, that must be a mistake.

No, we can't be disturbed.

No else one can meet the figure named by my syndicate.

-Not under the present economic conditions. -We can wait.

Do we give the impression of people who are pressed for money?

Yes.

Let's put our cards on the table.

Right now, there's a Russian commission in New York...

...trying to sell 15 Rembrandts.

There's another mortgaging the oil fields in Baku.

You need money quickly.

My offer is a very fair one, and doesn't even take advantage of your situation.

Just a minute.

-Now, listen-- -Just a minute.

-The pieces are all registered. -I know. Thank you so much. Ha-ha-ha.

-He is cutting our throat. -What can we do? We have to accept.

Comrades, comrades, don't let's give in so quickly.

After all, we have to uphold the prestige of Russia.

All right, let's uphold it for another 10 minutes.

IRANOFF: Yeah.

[DOOR BUZZES]

-We don't want to be disturbed. -My name is d'Algout. I telephoned.

You must come in later.

-I want a word with Mercier. IRANOFF: You can't come in.

Monsieur Mercier, may I introduce myself? I'm Leon d'Algout.

I think had the pleasure of meeting you in your shop.

I was admiring the platinum watch with the diamond numbers.

-Yes, of course. -You remember, I....

LEON: Oh. Glorious, aren't they?

-You have no right. -I did not permit you to come in.

I hope you haven't closed this deal.

-It might bring you into trouble. -Who are you and what do you want?

Those jewels are property of the Grand Duchess Swana and were seized illegally.

I am acting for Her Highness. Here is my power of attorney.

You know, Monsieur Mercier, this is all nonsense.

These may have been the jewels of the Grand Duchess Swana...

...but like all private property, they were confiscated by the State.

We'll leave the problem of ownership to the French courts.

Meanwhile, I have filed a petition for an injunction...

...to prohibit you from either selling or removing the jewels.

Here is a copy.

If there is anything which isn't clear, I shall be glad to explain it.

Thank you. Gentlemen, this introduces a new element into our negotiations.

-Until this claim is settled-- -We can call our ambassador.

I give you my word, they were confiscated legally.

That's right.

Hold on, please try to understand my position.

I am not withdrawing. My offer stands.

When you can produce a clear title approved by the courts...

...we can close the deal. Until then, gentlemen, good day.

I thought it my duty to warn you. I should have hated...

-...to see you get into trouble. -Thank you.

-I hope you forgive me. -I consider myself very lucky.

-Good day. -Good day, monsieur.

BULJANOFF: You believe me, I.... -Gentlemen, how about a little lunch?

-Will you get out of here? -Yes, get out.

Well, don't look so gloomy. You may have a chance.

-We may have a chance? -That's ridiculous.

Yes, a very slim one.

I want to be fair. I don't deny that you might have a case.

We haven't anything to discuss with you. We'll talk to a lawyer.

You talk to a lawyer and I'll talk to a judge.

That won't help you. You can't intimidate us.

Soviet Russia will put all its might behind this case.

Yes. You think because you represent the former Grand Duchess--

-The Grand Duchess. -The former Grand Duchess.

At any rate, gentlemen, a charming, exquisite woman.

I warn you, if this case comes to trial, it will be before a French court.

And when the Grand Duchess takes the stand--

Go ahead, get her on the witness stand. What can she say?

But how will she look?

The fashions this spring are very becoming to her.

Gentlemen, the judge will be French, the jury will be French...

...everybody in the courtroom will be French.

Have you ever seen a French court when a beautiful woman sits on the stand...

...and raises her skirt a little?

You sit down and pull up your pants and where would it get you?

I suppose you expect us to hand over the jewels, huh?

Oh, no, I'm not a highwayman, just a nuisance.

All I want to do is make things as difficult as possible.

Not that we are giving in one inch, but tell us what is in your mind?

Yeah.

-What about my proposition? -What proposition?

I just said, "Let's have some lunch."

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[BOISTEROUS LAUGHTER]


[CHEERING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[BAND PLAYING MERRY MUSIC]

-Hey, Sasha, Sergei, Misha. -What? What do you want?

What can we do for you?

That telegram from Moscow, why should you bother about it?

-I've written it for you. -Leon, Leonitchka.

-Why are you so good to us? -Why are you so good to us?

That's very nice, boys. Now, wait a minute.

What was the name of that Commissar on the Board of Trade?

Razinin.

Commissar Razinin, Board of Trade, Moscow.

-You wouldn't like Razinin. -No, he's a bad man.

-He sends people to Siberia. -We don't like Razinin.

-No. -We don't like him.

We like Leon. Don't we like Leon?

Yes!

[ALL SPEAKING AT ONCE]

Wait a minute. Now wait a minute, how's this?

"Commissar Razinin, Board of Trade, Moscow. Unexpected situation here.

Grand Duchess Swana in Paris, claims jewels...

...and has already brought injunction against sale or removal.

After long and serious study...

...we suggest, in the interest of our beloved country...

...a fifty-fifty settlement as best solution. Iranoff, Buljanoff, and Kopalski."

If we say that, Leon, we'll be sent to Siberia.

-And if we have to go to Siberia-- -I will send you a muff.

Leon, why are you so good to us?

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Comrade waiter!

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Why are you so good to us?

Get the champagne to the other room.

That's enough. Go along.

-Take this to the telegraph office at once. -Yes, monsieur.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello. Yes, Leon. What is it, Leon?

Oh, you can't hurry such things. You must give Moscow a little time.

There's nothing we can do about it.

Why don't you drop in later?

Yes, au revoir.

KOPALSKI: Misha! -What's the matter?

Telegram from Moscow. It must have been here all day.

"Halt negotiations immediately.

Envoy Extraordinary arrives Thursday 5:20 p.m. with full power.

Your authority canceled herewith. Razinin."

-It is Thursday. -It's 5:00 already.

I always said it would be Siberia.

Give me the desk, please.

This is the royal suite, Iranoff speaking.

Listen, a special envoy is coming from Moscow today.

He'll occupy the royal suite.

Move our things to the smallest room you've got.

Yes. Right away, instantly.

Pass, please.

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING]

Now this is a fine thing. Maybe we've missed him already.

How can we find somebody without knowing what he looks like?

That must be the one.

-Yes, he looks like a comrade. KOPALSKI: Yes.

[BOTH SPEAK IN GERMAN]

-No, that's not him. -Positively not.

-What are we going to do now? -I don't know.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

IRANOFF: We must have missed him.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

I'm looking for Michael Simonovitch Iranoff.

I am Michael Simonovitch Iranoff.

I am Nina lvanovna Yakushova, Envoy Extraordinary...

...acting under direct orders of Comrade Commissar Razinin.

Present me to your colleagues.

-Comrade Buljanoff. -Comrade.

-Comrade Kopalski. -Comrade.

What a charming idea for Moscow to surprise us with a lady comrade.

If we had known, we would have greeted you with flowers.

Don't make an issue of my womanhood.

We are here for work, all of us. Let's not waste any time. Shall we go?

Porter, here, please.

What do you want?

-May I have your bags, madame? -Why?

-He is a porter, he wants to carry them. -Why?

-Why should you carry other people's bags? -Well, that's my business, madame.

That's no business. That's social injustice.

That depends on the tip.

-Allow me, comrade. -No. No, thank you.

-Ticket, please. MAN: Tickets, please. Tickets.

-How are things in Moscow? -Very good.

The last mass trials were a great success.

There are going to be fewer but better Russians.

What's that?

It's a hat, comrade. A woman's hat.

How can such a civilization survive...

...which permits their women to put things like that on their heads?

It won't be long now, comrades.

This is the apartment we have reserved for you, Comrade Yakushova.

I hope you like it.

Which part of the room is mine?

Heh. You see, comrade, it's a little different here.

They don't rent rooms in pieces. We had to take the whole suite.

-How much does this cost? IRANOFF: Two thousand francs.

-A week? -A day.

Do you know how much a cow costs, Comrade Iranoff?

-A cow? -Two thousand francs.

If I stay here a week, I will cost the Russian people seven cows.

Who am I to cost the Russian people seven cows?

We had to take it on account of the safe.

For ourselves, we are much happier now...

...Since we moved to a little room right next to the servants' quarters.

I'm ashamed to put a picture of Lenin in a room like this.

-Do you want to be alone, comrade? -No.

Comrades, your telegram was received with great disfavor in Moscow.

We did our best, comrade.

I hope so, for your sake. Let's examine the case.

-What does the lawyer say? -Which lawyer?

You didn't get legal advice?

We dealt directly with the representative of the Grand Duchess.

I am sure if you call him, he will give you a very clear picture.

I will not repeat your mistake.

I will have no dealings with the Grand Duchess nor her representative.

-Comrade Buljanoff? -Yes, comrade?

Do you spell Buljanoff with one or two F's?

With two F's, if you please.

Have you some cigarettes?

This is the royal suite. Please send up some cigarettes. Yes.

You just telephone and you get what you want.

That's the capitalistic system. Ha-ha-ha.

Comrades, I am not in a position to pass final judgment.

But at best you've been careless in your duty to the State.

You were entrusted with more than a mere sale of jewelry.

Why are we peddling our precious possessions to the world at this time?

Our next year's crop is in danger and you know it.

Unless we can get foreign currency to buy tractors...

...there will not be enough bread for our people.

-And you, comrades-- -We did it with the best intentions.

We can't feed the Russian people on your intentions.

Fifty percent to a so-called Grand Duchess.

Half of every loaf of bread to our enemy.

-Comrade Kopalski. -Yes, comrade.

Go at once to our embassy and get me the address of the best lawyer in Paris.

-Yes, comrade. -You, Comrade Iranoff, go to the public library...

...and get me the section of the Civil Code on property.

-Is there anything I can do, comrade? -Yes.

You might get me an accurate map of Paris.

I want to use my spare time to inspect public utilities...

...and to make a study of all outstanding technical achievements in the city.

Yes, comrade.

[DOOR BUZZES]

Come in.

-Hello. Cigarettes? -Hello.

-Hello. -Hello.

[BULJANOFF CLEARS THROAT]

Comrades, you must have been smoking a lot.

[PHONE RINGS]

Desk. Yes, Monsieur Kopalski.

You are expecting Count d'Algout? Uh-huh.

But he is not to go to the royal suite under any circumstances.

He should go to your new room, 985. Thank you, monsieur.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

-You, please. -Hm? Me?

Could you give me some information?

-Gladly. -How long must we wait here?

Well, uh, until the policeman blows his whistle again.

-At what intervals does he whistle? -What?

How many minutes between the first and second whistle?

You know, that's very funny. I never thought of that before.

You've never been caught in a similar situation?

Yes, I have. Now that I come to think about it, it's staggering.

Good heavens, if I add it all up, I must have spent years waiting for signals.

Imagine, an important part of my life wasted between whistles.

-In other words, you don't know? -No.

-Thank you. -You're welcome.

[CHUCKLES]

[HORNS HONKING]

Can I be of any assistance to you?

-You might hold this for me. -I'd love to.

Correct me if I am wrong.

-We are facing north, aren't we? -Facing north?

I'd hate to commit myself without my compass.

-Pardon me, are you an explorer? -No, I am looking for the Eiffel Tower.

Good heavens, is that thing lost again?

Oh, are you interested in a view?

I'm interested in the Eiffel Tower from a technical standpoint.

Technical?

No, I'm afraid I couldn't be of much help from that angle.

A Parisian only goes to the tower in moments of despair to jump off.

How long does it take a man to land?

Now isn't that too bad? The last time I jumped, I forgot to time it.

Let me see now, the Eiffel Tower.... Ah.

Your finger, please.

-Why do you need my finger? -It's bad manners to point with your own.

There, the Eiffel Tower.

And where are we?

Where are we? Now, let me see. Where are we?

Oh, here we are.

There you are and here am I.

Feel it?

I'm interested only in the shortest distance between these two points.

-Must you flirt? -Well, I don't have to, but I find it natural.

-Suppress it. -I'll try.

For my own information...

...would you call your approach toward me typical of the local morale?

It is that approach which has made Paris what it is.

You're very sure of yourself, aren't you?

Nothing's happened recently to shake my self-confidence.

I have heard of the arrogant male in capitalistic society.

It is having a superior earning power that makes you that way.

A Russian. I love Russians.

Comrade, I've been fascinated by your Five-Year Plan for the last 15 years.

Your type will soon be extinct.

Taxi!


Can you tell me the exact width of the foundation...

-...on which these piers are resting? -You don't have to worry. The thing is safe.

-I am not afraid-- -"The foundation is 141 yards square."

-I hope you'll forgive me, but I thought-- -Go on.

Ahem. "Four massive pieces of masonry are sunk to a depth of 46 feet...

...on the side of the Seine, and 29.5 feet on the other side.

The girders of interlaced ironwork, which stay the structure...

...have an inclination of 54 degrees."

-That's a strange angle. -Yes, very strange.

"Ascending to the first platform is a staircase consisting of...

...829 steps.

And an additional 254 steps to the very top.

There's an elevator included in the price of admission."

It'll take you hours to walk up there.

The elevator will get you up in three minutes.


You gave me some very valuable information. Thank you.

Thank you for getting me up here. I've never seen this before.

-Beautiful, isn't it? -Yes, itis.

I'm glad I saw it before becoming extinct.

Now don't misunderstand me. I do not hold your frivolity against you.

As basic material, you may not be bad.

But you are the unfortunate product of a doomed culture.

I feel very sorry for you.

Aw, but you must admit that this doomed old civilization sparkles.

Look at it. It glitters.

I do not deny its beauty, but it's a waste of electricity.

What a city.

There are the grand boulevards blasted out of the heart of the old city.

The Arc de Triomphe, built to greet Napoleon's army.

The Opera. Montparnasse. Montmartre.

And now, I'll show you the greatest attraction of all.

It'll cost me a franc, but it's worth it.

The most unique spot in all Paris. Really, I'm not exaggerating.

It's wonderful. It's charming. It's.... Ah.

Please.

What do you see?

I see a house. Looks like any other house.

-What's remarkable about it? -Oh, it's not the structure.

It's the spirit that dwells within it.

It has three rooms and a kitchenette dedicated to hospitality.

-So it's your house? Mm. -Well, let's say I live in it.

It's such a pleasant little place. It has all the comforts.

Easy to reach, near the subway, bus, and streetcar--

-Does it mean you want me to go there? -Now, please, don't misunderstand me.

-Then you don't want me to go there? -No, no, no.

I didn't say that either. Nothing would please me more.

Then why don't we go?

You might be an interesting subject of study.

I'll do my best.

-Good evening, Gaston. -Good evening.

-Is this what you call the "butler"? -Yes.

Good evening, comrade.

This man is very old. You shouldn't make him work.

-He takes good care of that. -He looks sad. Do you whip him?

No, but the mere thought makes my mouth water.

The day will come when you will be free.

Go to bed, little father. We want to be alone.

Please.

Count d'Algout, there have been several telephone calls.

Go to bed, little father.

-Now, may I offer you a drink? -Thank you, I'm not thirsty.

Perhaps something to eat.

I've had all the calories necessary for today.

Yes, all the calories.

-What do we do now? -Uh....

-Shall we have some music? -Is that customary?

Mm. It helps.

It has ever since King David wooed Bathsheba with his harp.

Not being so fortunate as to have my harp at hand, I'll turn on the radio.

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING OVER RADIO]

If there's anything you'd like to study, please go ahead. I've nothing to conceal.

This is my desk, these are my books, and here am I.

Where shall we begin?

-I will start with you. -Excellent.

Now, let's see, I'm 35 years old, just over 6 feet tall...

...and weigh 182 pounds, stripped.

-What is your profession? -My profession?

Mmm. Keeping my body fit, keeping my mind alert...

...and keeping the landlord appeased, that's a full-time job.

-And what do you do for mankind? -For mankind?

Yes, uh, not so much for mankind.

But for womankind, my record isn't quite so bleak.

You are something we do not have in Russia.

Thank you. Glad you told me.

That's why I believe in the future of my country.

I'm beginning to believe in it myself since I've met you.

I still don't quite know what it's all about. It confuses me, frightens me.

But it fascinates me.

Ninotchka...

...do you like me just a little bit?

Your general appearance is not distasteful.

Thank you.

The whites of your eyes are clear.

Your cornea is excellent.

Your cornea is terrific.

Ninotchka, tell me. You're so expert on things.

-Can it be that I'm falling in love with you? -Why must you bring in wrong values?

Love is a romantic designation for a most ordinary biological...

...or, shall we say, chemical process.

A lot of nonsense is talked and written about it.

Oh, I see.

What do you use instead?

I acknowledge the existence of a natural impulse common to all.

What can I possibly do to encourage such an impulse in you?

You don't have to do a thing.

Chemically, we are already quite sympathetic.

You are the most incredible creature I've ever met.

Ninotchka. Ninotchka.

You repeat yourself.

Yes, I'd like to say it a thousand times.

You must forgive me if I seem a little old-fashioned.

-After all, I'm just a poor bourgeois. -It's never too late to change.

I used to belong to the petite bourgeoisie myself.

No.

My father and mother wanted me to stay and work on the farm.

-But I preferred the bayonet. -The bayonet? Did you really?

-I was wounded before Warsaw. -Wounded, how?

I was a sergeant in the Third Cavalry Brigade.

Would you like to see my wound?

I'd love to.

-A Polish lancer. I was 16. -Poor Ninotchka. Poor, poor Ninotchka.

Don't pity me. Pity the Polish lancer. After all, I'm still alive.

-What kind of a girl are you, anyway? -Just what you see.

A tiny cog in the great wheel of evolution.

You're the most adorable cog I've ever seen.

Ninotchka, let me confess something.

Never did I dream I could feel like this toward a sergeant.

[CLOCK CHIMING]

Did you hear that?

-It's 12:00. -It's midnight.

Look at the clock. One hand has met the other hand. They kiss.

Isn't that wonderful?

That's the way a clock works. What's wonderful about it?

Ninotchka, it's midnight.

One half of Paris is making love to the other half.

You merely feel you must put yourself in a romantic mood...

-...to add to your exhilaration. -I can't possibly think of any better reason.

-That's false sentimentality. -Oh, you analyze everything out of existence.

You'd analyze me out of existence, but I won't let you.

Love isn't so simple, Ninotchka. Ninotchka, why do doves bill and coo?

Why do snails, the coldest of all creatures...

...circle interminably around each other?

Why do moths fly hundreds of miles to find their mates?

Why do flowers slowly open their petals?

Oh, Ninotchka, surely you feel some slight symptom of the divine passion?

A general warmth in the palms of your hands.

A strange heaviness in your limbs.

A burning of the lips that isn't thirst...

...but something a thousand times more tantalizing, more exalting than thirst.

You are very talkative.

Was that talkative?

No. That was restful.

Again.

Thank you.

Oh, my barbaric Ninotchka...

...my impossible, unromantic, statistical--

Again.

[PHONE RINGING]

-The telephone is ringing. -Let it ring.

One of your friends may be in need of you. You must answer.

[GROANING]

Hello.

Yes. What?

Oh, yes. Well, I'm sorry. I couldn't make it. No, I ran into an old friend from the Army.

What? The whole deal is off? Are you crazy, Buljanoff?

Oh, oh. A special envoy arrived.

Hm? I'll be glad to see her whenever she wants to.

She doesn't want to see me?

What do you know about that? Why?

Uh-huh.

Well, I'll get in touch with her myself. What's her name?

Huh? "Ya-ku--"?

Good heavens, these Russian names. How do you spell it?

"l..." Oh, "Y."

Y-A....

"Yakushova."

Thanks.

Yakushova Ninotchka.

Yes, all right, thank you.

-Ninotchka. -I must go.

Or should I say "Special Envoy Yakushova"?

-Let's forget we ever met. -No, no, no. I have a much better suggestion.

Let's forget the telephone ever rang. I never heard that you are Yakushova.

You are Ninotchka, my Ninotchka.

I was sent here by my country to fight you.

All right, fight me as much as you want. Only fight me tomorrow morning.

There's nothing sweeter than sharing a secret with an enemy.

You represent White Russia and I represent Red Russia.

Tonight let's not represent anybody but ourselves.

It is out of the question.

-If you wish to approach me-- -You know I want to.

Then do it through my lawyer.

But, Ninotchka, you can't walk out like this.

I am crazy about you.

I thought I'd made an impression on you. You liked the white of my eye.

-I must go. -Ninotchka.

I held you in my arms.

You kissed me.

I kissed a Polish lancer too...

...before he died.

Yes, Marianne darling.

No, you didn't waken me. I'm not only up, I'm on my way out.

Yes, I want to catch Leon before he rushes out...

...and loses himself in my business affairs.

Oh, everything was going perfectly until three days ago...

...when some horrid female envoy arrived from Moscow.

We don't know where we are.

I'll telephone you tonight, darling. Goodbye, dear.

I seem to remember some additional injunctive provision...

...dealing with the property of foreigners residing in France.

You are referring to Paragraph 59B, Section 25F of the Civil Code.

Page 824.

And do not fail to read the three footnotes. While you are studying it, I will eat.

-Where to, madame? -Can you recommend a restaurant?

There's Grenier if you care for seafood.

-Where do you eat? -At Pere Mathieu.

-Where is that? -It's just a place for workmen.

-Where is it? -Down eight blocks, rue de Provelles.

Thank you.

[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]

Are you alone, madame? A nice little corner table?

Or perhaps by the window would be better?

This way, madame.

I think this is the first time you've been in my place.

Your face is new to me.

-Now what shall it be? -Raw beets and carrots.

Madame, this is a restaurant, not a meadow.

Here's what we are offering today. Please make your choice.

I'm sure you will find something to tempt your appetite.

Well, for goodness sake, hello.

It certainly is a small world, isn't it?

Well, madame, shall we start with soup? Fish soup today.

I gotup at 5 to fish them from the Seine.

-Ah, crawfish soup for me. -Very well, monsieur.

Then may I suggest an omelet with mushrooms?

Bring me something simple. I never think about food.

Madame, if you don't think about food, what do you think about?

-The future of the common people. -That's also a question of food.

I will bring you a nice little lunch, a la Pere Mathieu.

May I say something?

You insulted him, do you know that? You hurt his feelings.

It's just like telling a musician that you don't like music.

Why, that good old man believes in food just as you believe in Karl Marx.

You can't go around hurting people like that, Comrade Yakushova.

But you can make it up to him. Do you know how?

By eating everything that he brings you with relish...

...drinking everything with gusto...

...by having a good time for the first time in your life.

-I don't like you following me. -I didn't follow you.

-How did you get here? -I always eat here.

This is a place for working men.

But my dear child, I am most at home among working men.

I hate those places where you circulate, the Clarence Hotel and those places.

This is my natural element.

After all, what are any of us? Working men.

At least, those of us who are worth our salt.

-Hiyal “Hi.

-Hiyal “Hi.

MAN: Hiya. -Hiya, boys. How's everything today?

-Is the lunch all right? -Fine.

-Bring up a chair. -I will.

Great bunch of fellows. Aw, my friend, I am happy to see you again.

-I'm always glad to meet a new customer. -Mm-hm.

And I hope this first visit will not be your last one.

He's just an old man. His memory is weak.

What are you after?

Must one always be after something?

Your tactics are useless. I'm not Buljanoff, Iranoff, or Kopalski.

Ninotchka, why must we talk business?

If you win the suit, fine. If we win the suit, better.

You do me an injustice.

Ninotchka, when we first went to my apartment...

...did I have the slightest idea that you were connected with this deal?

You know now.

I know now that you're a man who employs business methods...

...which in Russia would be punished by death.

Death. Death, always so glum.

What about life, Ninotchka? Do Russians never think about life?

Of the moment in which we are living? The only moment we ever really have.

Oh, Ninotchka. Don't take things so seriously. Nothing's worth it, really.

Please, relax.

I beg you, sergeant.

-Smile. -What?

-Will you smile? -Why?

-Well, just smile. -At what?

At anything.

At the whole ridiculous spectacle of life, at people being so serious...

...taking themselves pompously, exaggerating their own importance.

If you can't think of anything else to laugh at, laugh at you and me.

-Why? -Because we're an odd couple.

Then you should go back to your table.

No. No, I can't leave you. I won't, not yet.

Not until I've made you laugh at least once.

-Ha-ha. Now go back to your table. -Oh.

That's not a laugh.

I mean a laugh from the heart.

I know. I'm gonna tell you a funny story.

Now, wait a minute, let me think of one.

Uh, I've got it.

It seems that there were two Frenchmen who went to America--

On which boat?

Let's drop it.

I don't think you'd care very much for that one anyway.

Probably not.

Here's a great one.

[LAUGHS]

Maybe it's not so good. Let's forget it.

-Do you like Scotch stories? -Never heard one.

Well, here. Ahem.

Two Scotchmen met on the street.

And I don't know the name of the street.

It doesn't matter anyway.

One's name was McGillicuddy and the other one's name was Mcintosh.

McGillicuddy said to McIntosh, "Hello, Mr. McGillicuddy."

And McGillicuddy-- Mcintosh said to McGillicuddy:

"Hello, Mr. McGillicuddy."

Then McGillicuddy said to Mcintosh, "How is Mrs. Mcintosh?"

And Mcintosh said to McGillicuddy, "How is Mrs. McGillicuddy?"

I wish they'd never met.

So doll.

How is this one?

Two men are looking at the moon. One of them says to the other:

"Is it true that a lot of people live on the moon?"

The other one says, "Sure it's true, about 500 million."

Then the first one says:

"Whew. They must be pretty crowded when it's half-moon."

[LAUGHS]

Heh.

-So you don't think that's funny? -No.

It seemed funny to me when I first heard it.

Maybe the trouble isn't with the joke. Maybe it's with you.

I don't think so.

I'll give you one more chance.

Here goes.

When I first heard this joke, I laughed myself sick.

Here goes.

A man comes into a restaurant.

He sits down at the table and he says, "Waiter...

...bring me a cup of coffee without cream."

Five minutes later, the waiter comes and says:

"I'm sorry, sir. We have no cream. Can it be without milk?"

[MEN LAUGHING]

It's good, isn't it?

-Not funny, huh? -No.

Well, it is funny. Everybody else thought it was funny.

Maybe you didn't get the point.

I'll tell it to you again.

A man comes into a restaurant.

-Did you get that? -Yes.

All right.

He sits down at the table and he says to the waiter-- Did you get that?

-Yes. -It isn't funny so far, but wait a minute.

He says to the waiter, "Waiter, bring me a cup of coffee."

Five minutes later, the waiter comes and says:

"I'm sorry, sir, we're all out of coffee." Oh, no, you've got me all mixed up.

Sits down at the table, says, "Bring me a cup of coffee." That's it.

He says, "Bring me a cup of coffee without cream."

Five minutes later, the waiter comes back and says:

"I'm sorry, sir. We have no cream. Can it be a glass of milk?"

Oh, you have no sense of humor!

None whatsoever.

Not a grain of humor in you. There's not a laugh in you.

Everybody else laughs at it, but not you.

[ALL LAUGHING]

What's so funny about this?


[LAUGHING STOPS]

[ALL LAUGHING]

In addition to the arguments above enumerated for lifting this injunction...

...we wish to cite the decision of the High Court of Paris in the case...

...of Princess Marishka against Montenegro on the fifth day of August, 1897.

Comparing the facts in that case with our present set of facts...

...we feel that the treaty between the Republic of France and the USSR--

[LAUGHING]

I'm sorry, gentlemen.

The other day I heard such a funny story, heh-heh, it still makes me laugh.

It's very funny.

Yes, about this injunction.

The hearing is set for the 20th of this month.

That's two weeks from Thursday.

-We did our utmost to have it set ahead. -I know, gentlemen.

It's in the hands of the court. We're helpless, aren't we?

Yes, it is unfortunate.

There's nothing we can do. Why get excited?

We'll leave these papers with you for your further consideration.

[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

Well, that means another two weeks in Paris.

Too bad we have to waste all that time.

I acted on your suggestion and got in touch with the power and light authorities.

Whenever you want to visit their plants, they are open to you.

Oh, yes, power and light. Thank you.

There is something else which I know will appeal to you.

A visit to the Paris sewers.

-They tell me it's extremely instructive. -Oh?

Why don't you get a haircut, Buljanoff?

You all look so wintry, comrades.

And why do we always keep the windows closed?

Isn't that amazing?

At home, there is still show and ice, and here, look at the birds.

I always felt a little hurt when our swallows deserted us...

...in the winter for capitalistic countries.

Now I know why. We have the high ideal...

...but they have the climate.

Comrades, I don't think I need you anymore.

-Is there anything we can do for you? -No, not a thing.

Would you like to go out?

-Yes, sure. -Have you any money?

[ALL GRUMBLING]

-Here are 50 francs. -Thank you.

Bring me back 45.

Yes, of course.

-Yes, that's fine. -Goodbye, comrade.


-Have you the time, Gaston? -It's 8:42, sir.

I guess it must be 8:42.

-You seem to be a bit nervous, sir. -I am, Gaston.

If you'll forgive me, sir, ever since you met that Bolshevik lady...

...I've noticed a distinct change in you, sir.

-Have you, Gaston? -Decidedly.

[LEON SIGHS]

Yesterday I was greatly amazed when I came from the market...

...and found you had made your bed, sir.

Yes, I felt better for it all day long. I felt as if I'd contributed something.

May I add, sir, it was with great amazement...

...that I found a copy of Karl Marx's Capital on your night table, sir.

That is a socialistic volume, which I refuse to so much as dust, sir.

I view with alarm the influence over you of this Bolshevik lady.

But I don't follow you, Gaston.

Isn't it about time that you realized the unfairness of your position?

Your being my servant.

Wouldn't you like to stand on an equal footing with me?

No, sir.

Good heavens, isn't there any revolt in you?

When I order you around, don't you feel like kicking me in the pants?

-No, sir. -Ah, you're a reactionary.

You can't tell me that you don't look forward to the day...

...when you can come in here, stand on your two feet...

...and say, "From now on, it's share and share alike."

Emphatically not, sir. The prospect terrifies me.

Now, don't misunderstand me, sir.

I don't resent your not paying me for the past two months...

...but the thought that I should split my bank account with you...

...that you should take half of my life's savings...

...that is really too much for me, sir.

[DOOR BUZZES]

Go to bed, little father, go to bed.

-I don't look too foolish? -Foolish?

If this dress were walking down the boulevard all by itself...

...I'd follow it from one end of Paris to the other.

And when I caught up with it, I'd say:

"Wait a moment, you charming little dress.

I want you to meet Ninotchka. You two were meant for each other."

Remember this room?

I've never been here before.

I wonder whom you're thinking of?

Oh, I know. The girl with the map...

...always figuring out each step and worrying about north and south. Heh.

Today...

Now, this might shock you.

I walked up to a taxi, I said, "88 rue du Bois"...

...and here I am.

You see? Life can be so simple.

-For 12 francs 75. -Twelve seventy-five? From the Clarence?

The son of a gun made a detour.

But he got you here.

[CLOCK CHIMING]

It's 9:00.

Mm.

That's when one half of Paris says to the other half:

"What are you plans for this evening, madame?"

First, I would like to take off my hat.

-Then, could we have some music? -A wonderful idea.

-Radio or records? -Not radio.

Let's have music that's just for ourselves.

I'll play it very softly...

...because I have things to tell you which I can't shout.

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING OVER RADIO]

Darling, I.... Oh.

You see, I couldn't shout that.

Oh, Leon.

Leon, you know the jokes you told me a few days ago?

I wake up in the middle of the night and laugh at them.

You know, that's wrong.

They aren't funny. They're silly, they're stupid.

And still I laugh at them.

And when I look at Buljanoff and Iranoff and Kopalski...

...I know they're scoundrels and I should hate them.

Then I realize who made them like that.

And instead of sending my report to Moscow...

...I go down and buy a ridiculous hat.

And if this keeps on....

-Am I too talkative? -No, no, go on.

And, Leon, I want to tell you something which I thought I would never say...

...which I thought nobody ever should say, because I didn't think it exists.

And, Leon, I can't say it.


[CHUCKLES]

What a gesture for a sergeant.

-Leon, may I ask you something? -Anything.

If you don't want to answer, you needn't.

-But if you do, you must tell the truth. -I promise.

Did you make any change in this room?

I don't think so.

When I was here before, I noticed a photograph of a woman...

...on the desk in a wide silver frame.

I thought, what a waste of silver. That's all I was interested in then.

Now, I would like to know. What happened to the woman?


The Grand Duchess?

She's very attractive.

She has great elegance.

She's what you call a woman of the world, isn't she?

Ninotchka.

I love you.

I suppose she's very entertaining.

It must be lots of fun to be with a woman like that, so witty and--

Ninotchka.

You're jealous.

Mm-hm.

Leon, don't ever ask me for a picture of myself.

I couldn't bear the thought of being shut up in a drawer.

-I couldn't breathe. I couldn't stand it. -Oh, my darling.

[PHONE RINGING]

Café de Luteéece.

A table for tonight? Certainly, Count d'Algout.

What time, may I ask? After the opera, thank you very much.

[BAND PLAYING ELEGANT MUSIC]

Good evening, Your Highness.

Good evening. You seem to be very crowded.

-Can you manage a table near the floor? -Certainly, this way, please.

-Count d'Algout made the reservation. -Count d'Algout?

Yes. It is only a small table, but we will put in some extra chairs.

No, that's another party.

Why don't we go to some other place? It's so crowded.

No. This is glory. At last I'm going to have a look at that female Bolshevik.

Can you manage another table?

-Only one in the rear, I'm afraid. -Perfect.

Leon's bringing the Bolshevik you told us about?

-Isn't it divine? -I wouldn't have missed this.

We must be discreet. If she sucks her soup...

...or drinks out of her finger bowl, don't laugh.

We mustn't embarrass poor little Leon.

He's gone through enough. We mustn't add insult to injury.

Is this satisfactory, Your Highness?

-Is it to be dinner, Your Excellency? -Later perhaps.

-We'll just start with champagne. -Deux champagne.

I'm only afraid the doorman may spoil all our fun. If only he lets her in.

-Look, there's Leon. -Where?

-Good evening, Count d'Algout. If you please. -Good evening.

General, shall we dance?

-Is it dry? -Yes, monsieur.

-Is that right, or do you prefer it sweet? -Oh, I wouldn't know.

The closest I ever came to champagne was in a newsreel.

The wife of some president was throwing it at a battleship.

It's always good luck to launch something with champagne.

A battleship or an evening.

[GIGGLES]

It's funny to look back. I was brought up on goat's milk.

I had a ration of vodka in the army, and now champagne.

From goats to grapes. That's drinking in the right direction.

-It's good. -Mm-hm.

[SIGHS]

From what I've read, I thought champagne was a strong drink.

It's delicate.

Does anyone ever get drunk on this?

Mmm, well, there have been cases. But the headache...

...the next morning is worthwhile if you drink it with the right toast.

To us, Ninotchka.

Thank you, general.

Hello, Leon! How are you, my dear?

-Hello, Swana. Good evening, general. -How do you do?

Why, you're looking magnificent tonight. Isn't he, general?

-Thank you. Yes. -Is this your new dress suit?

Didn't I tell you Benson and Benson were the tailors for you?

-Yes, you did. -It's a dream of beauty.

He never takes my word.

-But I was right, wasn't I? -Yes.

-Am I interrupting? -No, no, not at all.

Your Highness, may I present Comrade Yakushova?

BOTH: How do you do?

-General Savitzky. BOTH: How do you do?

Oh, I've some wonderful news.

-It's about Punchy. Mind if I sit down? -No, please.

Would you mind making my excuses at our table?

-Certainly. -Will you say I'll be back soon?

We can be proud of our Punchy. He had a triumph at the dog show.

He won another blue ribbon and bit the judge. Ha-ha-ha.

I bought him the loveliest little sweater as a reward.

You should see him strutting in it. He looks like a little boulevardier.

You see, Count d'Algout gave me Punchy for my birthday.

You must've searched for weeks before you found Punchy...

-...didn't you, Leon? -Months, Swana.

Poor Madame Yakushova. Here we are talking in mysteries.

I'm sure you wonder what it's about.

Not at all. I understand perfectly. Count d'Algout gave you a dog.

-You made it very clear, madame. -Oh, dear me. I must be losing my finesse.

If I'm not careful, I'll be understood by everybody.

-Charming crowd here tonight, isn't it? -I'm going, Leon.

But before I go, I must compliment you on your gown, Madame Yakushova.

Is that what they're wearing in Moscow this year?

No, last year, madame.

Isn't it amazing? One gets the wrong impression of the new Russia.

It must be charming. I'm delighted conditions have improved so.

I assume this is what the factory workers wear at their dances?

Exactly. You see, it would have been very embarrassing for people of my sort...

...to wear low-cut gowns in the old Russia.

The lashes of the Cossacks across our backs were not very becoming.

-And you know how vain women are. -Yes, you're quite right about the Cossacks.

We made a great mistake when we let them use their whips.

They had such reliable guns.

Will you do me a favor? Let's not talk about the good old days.

It's a very wise suggestion, Leon. I'm afraid madame and I will never agree.

The only thing we have in common is our lawsuit...

...and that will be settled next week.

I understand everything will be over by Thursday.

-Am I right? -Yes. You're right, madame.

It'll all be over by Thursday.

It's too bad you have so few more days here in Paris.

Be sure and redouble your efforts...

...80 madame can take some pleasant memories when she returns to Moscow.

Good night.

-Good night, Leon. -Good night, Swana.

Now I think I need a glass of champagne.

[SIGHS]

Quickly, please tell me one of your funny stories.

-A funny story? -Mm-hm.

You never finished the one about the, uh, two Scotchmen with the names.

Oh.

Please.

-Well, there were two Scotchmen. -Mm-hm.

One's name was Mcintosh and the other one was McGillicuddy.

-Mm-hm. -They met on the street.

Mm-hm?

No, I'll tell you another story. A much better one.

The only thing over on Thursday will be the lawsuit.

There will be no Thursday for us. Next week or any other week.

I won't let it happen. I'll tear it out of the calendar.

Isn't that a good story?

Wonderful, if one could believe it.

You must, darling.

To the loveliest story I ever heard.

Let's dance.

Leon, something is the matter.

You just made that trip from goats to grapes a little too quickly.

Everything is so wonderful. It's getting farther and farther away.

-What, darling? -Thursday.

Yes, don't worry, everything's going to be all right.

Comrades! Comrades!

Darling, darling, please.

-l wanna talk to my brothers. -Shh. Shh.

Don't shush me, please. I am the people. I want to hold a speech.

-I want to overthrow the Grand Duchess. -You can't do that.

Oh, comrades. The good people of France.

-Now, now, Ninotchka. -But they're all grand duchesses here.

[SLURRING] I ordered out thousands of grand duchesses and I want to tell them.

Yes, dear, you're quite right. But first, you're going through that door.

You're going to lie down and take some spirits of ammonia.

-Oh, no speech? Oh. -No speech.

I love you, my little Leonitchka.

And I adore you, Ninotchka. Go ahead, now.

-No speech? -No. For heaven's sake, no speech.

-Give me a double brandy. -Yes, sir.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

I'm sorry, count, it is most embarrassing, but the lady you brought with you...

...Is spreading communistic propaganda in the powder room.

What? Give me another double brandy.

That kind of propaganda is bad anywhere, but inciting the attendants...

...of the powder room to go on strike?

Well, if she succeeds, the consequences will be disastrous.

What can I do about it?

She has been asked to leave the powder room, but without success.

We would appreciate it very much if you would see to it yourself.

-You want me to go in there? -I'm sorry, sir, but I must insist.


-Make it a triple brandy. -Yes, sir.

[SLURRING] All right, tell the Grand Duchess. Tell everybody.

They know it anyway. It doesn't make any difference. Go on, get out, get out.

-Don't tell them where we're going. -No, darling, nobody will find us.

-Are we going to build our little house? -Yes, a little white house.

-No, not white. -All right, we'll make it red.

[SLURRING] No, let's not have any color. No color. Just a "house" house. Heh.

-Let's form our own party. -Right.

Lovers of the world, unite.

-And we won't stretch up our arms. -No, no, no.

-And we won't clench our fists. -No.

-Our salute will be a kiss. -Yes.

A kiss. Salute.

I am so happy. Oh, I am so happy.

No one can be so happy without being punished.

I will be punished, and I should be punished.

-Leon, I want to confess. -I know. It's the Russian soul.

Well, everyone wants to confess.

And if they don't confess, they make them confess.

I am a traitor.

When I kissed you, I betrayed a Russian ideal.

I should be stood up against the wall.

-Would that make you any happier? -Much happier.

All right.

[CLOCK CHIMING]


I've paid the penalty. Now, let's have some music.

-Yes, let's turn on the radio. -Radio? What's radio?

Radio's a little box that you buy on the installment plan...

...and before you tune it in, they tell you there's a new model out.

Oh, yes, I know where that is. There's one around here somewhere.

It has a little knob that you turn.

-A little knob, that's right. -Yeah. Maybe it's in here.

-Just a little knob. -It's a radio and has a knob.

Now, maybe it's in here. Let's see. There it is.

-There's the knob. -There's the knob.

Now, what shall we get, the news?

No news. We don't want to know what's happening in the world.

We want to be left alone, don't we?

Yes, darling, all by ourselves.

Then turn to the left and stop at seven.

Turn to the left and stop at seven.

-No music. -No. No music.

There it is, Thursday.

You can't rip it out of the week.

There they are.

-They're terrible things, those jewels. -Ooh. But big.

They are the tears of Old Russia.

-See that stone? -Who cried that one?

Czar Peter gave it to his wife, Catherine the Great.

For it, he sold 10,000 serfs in the market.

Oh, but, darling, don't get impatient. Wait till we're married.

You know that worthless butler of mine, that reactionary?

Someday I'll come home to you and I'll say:

"Darling, I drove Gaston to the market this morning...

...and, ooh, look what I got for him."

Darling, come here. Let me put this on you.

-No, no, no. -Yes, you will teach these jewels.

For the first time, they will learn how they can really look.

-They belong to the people. -And I give them back to the people.

I make you Ninotchka the Great...

...Duchess of the People...

...Grand Duchess of the People.

-Is this the wish of the masses? -It is their wish.

Thank you, Leon. Thank you, masses.

-Can I make a speech now? -Please.

Comrades, people of the world.

The revolution is on the march. I know.

Bombs will fall, civilization will crumble...

...but not yet, please.

Wait. What's the hurry?

Give us our moment. Let's be happy.

-We're happy, aren't we, Leon? -Yes, darling.

So happy and so tired.

Oh....


[DOOR CLOSES]

[MOANS]

Smile, little father. Smile.

[HORNS HONKING]

[DOOR BUZZING]

[SIGHING] Come in.

-Good morning. -What?

It's tomorrow morning. Tomorrow noon, to be exact. I hope you'll forgive me.

I know it's extremely cruel to awaken anyone at such an hour.

Don't you recognize me? I'm the Grand Duchess Swana.

I know exactly how you feel, my dear. The morning after always does look grim...

...If you happen to be wearing last night's dress.

Don't be embarrassed by my presence.

You couldn't have found anyone more sympathetic.

I think we can cut your visit short.

-Leon is not here. -Of course not, my dear.

I didn't come here with any such suspicion. How ridiculous.

Nor did I come to pick up his hat.

What is it you people always say, regardless of what you mean?

"I'm delighted to have you here."

I haven't reached that state of civilization, therefore I must ask you to leave.

Leave? That's exactly what I came here to ask you to do. Leave.

I don't mean this hotel, and I don't mean Paris. I mean France.

There's a plane for Moscow at 5:40.

Do you still think you're issuing orders from your palace?

My palace in Petrograd.

Yes, you took that away from me.

You took away my czar, my country, my people.

Everything I had. But nothing more.

People cannot be taken away, madame...

...neither 160 million, nor one. Not if you have their love. You hadn't.

That's why you're not in Russia any longer...

...and that's why you came here this morning.

Problems were never solved by bowing from a balcony.

Oh, my dear, you don't know how impressive I could be.

Did you ever see me in my regalia with my diadem and all my jewels?

Elysée 2763.

Believe me, Leon can't help you.

He doesn't know anything about the jewels.

I give you my word. I swear it.

Where are they?

You were very careless with our precious jewels, my dear.

They're too expensive a toy for two children to play with.

Where are they?

Last night a very trustworthy friend kept his eyes open.

He may have overstepped his function as a waiter...

...but he fulfilled his duty as a Russian.

I just put this on for sentiment. The rest are absolutely safe, I assure you.

-But if you feel like notifying the police-- -You leave me no choice.

Won't it be rather embarrassing for a Soviet envoy...

...to disclose the circumstances under which she lost them?

I'll have to face the consequences, but so will you.

They'll ask you how you got them.

That's very simple to answer. They were given to me by my mother.

They were given to her by her mother.

In fact, they're mine. You can't steal what belongs to you.

They always belonged to the Russian people.

They paid for them with their blood, their lives, and you'll give them back.

I told you we had plenty to talk about. Shall we sit down?

Let's free ourselves from emotionalism...

...and try to solve the problem in a practical way.

Our situation has considerably changed.

Before I had only a claim to the jewels. Now I have the jewels.

In other words, moral ideas have no weight with you.

All right, let's deal with legal facts. You know that...

-...France has recognized the Soviet. -Unfortunately.

Under the Soviet law, the jewels belong to the State.

-France is going to uphold that ownership. -Yes, my lawyer agrees with you.

He says that France will uphold it in every court...

...but I will drag you through every court, don't forget that.

And when I say it will take two years...

...I am, as always, conservative.

Won't those two years in court be expensive?

I know money was no object...

...as long as you could squeeze it out of the pockets of the people. But now?

I may run out of money, but you have run out of bread.

Two years is a long time for your comrades to wait.

I see. You've calculated it in terms of hunger.

No, I just wanted to be absolutely impartial.

Both of us are faced with two rather uncomfortable years.

We can condense those two years to two minutes...

-...if you want to accept my proposition. -Go on.

I am willing to hand over the jewels and sign any necessary papers...

...iIf you will take that 5:40 plane to Moscow.

That's not the way to win him back. Not Leon.

I think I know Leon quite as well as you. Perhaps a little better.

Leave that worry to me.

Now, 5:40 leaves you time enough to close the deal with Monsieur Mercier...

...but, uh, naturally, you'll be too busy for any farewells.

I will see to it that everything is done in the most expeditious manner.

And I will also see you to the airport.

That's my proposition, Comrade Yakushova.

[PHONE RINGING]

Yes? Oh, hello.

Yes, Leon.

No, you didn't waken me.

I'm fine, thank you.

Yes. Oh, yes, it was wonderful.

For luncheon?

I'm afraid I can't. I have lots of things to attend to today, Leon.

I'm going to be very busy.

[CHUCKLES]

To tell you the truth, I'm a little tired and I would like to rest.

Maybe you're right.

Perhaps it is the champagne.

For dinner?

Of course. Seven o'clock here?

Seven o'clock will be all right.

[DOOR BUZZES]

Come in. Yes.

Just a moment.

-You can leave it here. -Yes, madame.

Oh.


Operator, will you switch the call, please?

Darling, your present just arrived.

It's very silly and very wonderful.

What?

I won't forget. Seven o'clock.

Goodbye, darling.

What?

Oh.

Salute.

-Good afternoon, Jacqueline. -Good afternoon, Your Highness.

-Madame-- -Yes, I know.

You didn't find my other glove. It's all right. You're forgiven.

Thank you, Your Highness.

Count d'Algout is waiting. He's been here for some time.

Oh, Count d'Algout? Yes.

Oh, Leon, darling. How nice.

-Have you ordered tea or a cocktail? -No, thanks, Swana.

Did I act stupidly last night? Should I apologize?

No. I'm the one who should apologize. I should have talked to you before.

Is this, by any chance, going to be a confession?

-Yes. -Aw, no, no, no, my little Volga boatman.

Have you forgotten our first commandment?

Never complain, never explain.

It's worked so often and so perfectly in the past, let's not break the rule.

Please don't look so guilty. Otherwise, I--

Swana, just this once, I must ask you to listen to me.

All right.

-I'm listening. -I know you hate the obvious.

But do you mind if, for the moment, I'm not the least subtle?

Brutal frankness, if you insist.

There are 100 ways of approaching it...

...but I feel it can best be said in one simple phrase.

I'm in love, Swana.

Oh! And I thought it was something serious. Oh, how could you frighten me so?

It must be serious.

Not so long ago I'd have considered such a statement juvenile...

...and rather middle-class.

Now I can say it without a stammer, without a blush.

I'm in love, Swana.

But, Leon, this has the ugly sound of regeneration.

-I'm afraid that's what it is, Swana. -Heh. Always late.

Same old trouble. Whether you're taking me to the opera...

...or calling for me at a beauty shop, you're never on time.

Now, when it's a question of your reform, late again by about five minutes.

-What is this, Swana? -Knowing the efficiency...

...of the French air service, I think I can safely guarantee...

...Yakushova has taken off for Moscow.

-Has done what? -She's gone, Leon.

-You don't expect me to believe that? -There's the telephone.

If you call the hotel, you'll find you have no 7:00 appointment.

Imagine. For once in our lives we were in Paris...

-...and we never went to the Eiffel Tower. -That's right.

They tell me it has a wonderful restaurant on the second floor.

Yes, it is an amazing piece of engineering...

...still the most remarkable iron structure in the world.

Hmm.

Leading to the top...

...there is a staircase of over 1000 steps...

...but there is an elevator included in the price of admission.

Well, everything's in order, I hope you will enjoy your trip to Russia.

Thank you. Oh, by the way, I've heard so many rumors...

...about laundry conditions in Russia. Is it advisable to take one's own towels?

Certainly not, madame. That is only capitalistic propaganda.

-We change the towel every week. -Oh, thank you.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello. Comrade Cazabine?

No, I am sorry. He hasn't been with us for six months.

He was called back to Russia and was investigated.

You can get further details from his widow. You're very welcome.

Pardon me, I was interested in what you were just saying.

When an envoy goes back to Russia and they don't like what he's done...

-...they put him out of the way? -Not always.

Look at me. I've been back twice.

Here's my passport. Please give me a visa.

-I must leave for Russia immediately. -Count Leon d'Algout. A count.

-A nobleman. -Don't hold that against me, please.

Why should an aristocrat go to Russia?

-Business. -What business?

-Private. -There is no private business in Russia.

This whole thing seems very suspicious. What is the real reason?

If you ever want to get into Russia, take my advice. Confess.

Listen. I'll be absolutely frank with you.

-I have no business in Moscow. -I think so too.

I want to see a friend of mine, a very dear friend.

It's a personal matter that has no relation to social philosophies or politics.

-It's a girl. -It is love which drags you to Moscow.

-Yes. -No visa.

-But I must get into that country of yours. -Oh, no. No visa.

But that's impossible. You can't do it! You haven't the right to--

-Listen. If you don't give me that visa-- -You're going to force us, huh?

You advertise all over the world for people to go into your country.

When somebody tries, you won't let them!

-Why should I take a chance? -On what?

How do I know you don't want to blow up a factory?

-What for? Why? -Or a tunnel or bridge?

Nothing but suspicions. That's the trouble with you.

Listen, if you don't let me in, I'll stand in front of this office of yours...

...and warn people to keep away.

I'll picket your whole country. I'll boycott you, that's what I'll do.

No more vodka, no more caviar, no more Tchaikovsky, no more borscht!

-Wait a minute. I've got a better idea. -What?

And you can tell the Kremlin that's just the beginning.

MAN [GROANING]: No visa.

MAN [OVER SPEAKER]: March! March! March!

Comrades of the world...

...never has there been such a May Day parade as this.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]


[PLAYING SOMBER MUSIC]

-Good afternoon, Anna. -Good afternoon, Ninotchka.

Aren't you late?

No. The opera starts an hour later tonight on account of the parade.

-Didn't you march today? -They didn't let me. I'm in disgrace.

Last week, at the performance of Carmen, I played a sour note.

The conductor got so excited, he yelled:

"There is sabotage in the string section!"

Too bad, Anna. You missed an inspiring day.

Yes, I know. Are you expecting someone?

-A few friends. Just a small dinner party. -And what are you serving?

-An omelet. -An omelet?

Aren't you living a little above your ration?

I saved two eggs...

...and each of my friends is bringing his own. We'll manage.

Just goes to prove the theory of our State.

If you stand alone, it means a boiled egg...

...but if you're true to the collective spirit and stick together, you've got an omelet.

Heh. That reminds me. Have you heard the latest they're telling about the Kremlin?

Well, one man.... I'll tell you later.

Ah, that Gurganowv.

You never know whether he's on his way to the washroom, or the Secret Police.

-You should be more careful, Anna. -And you too, Ninotchka.

-About what? -Ever since you've been back from Paris--

I haven't talked to anyone about Paris. I haven't said a word.

That's just it. It makes people feel queer.

And I don't want you to get in any trouble.

-I have nothing to hide. -You should. I'll show you.

When I passed through the laundry yard today...

...I saw all the women huddled around this, so I brought it up here.

Things like this create a bad feeling. First they didn't know whose it was...

...and then they saw the Paris label and did it start a commotion.

Some said it's what we all ought to wear.

Others said it's like hanging foreign ideas on our clothesline.

-It undermines our whole cause. -I see.

You know how it is today. All you have to do is wear...

...a pair of silk stockings, and they suspect you of counter-revolution.

Thank you, Anna. I'll dry it up here when I wash it next.

I should hate to see our country endangered by my underwear.

Ninotchka, I'm your friend. You can trust me.

-Did you bring back anything else? -No.

I left everything in Paris. I just happened to be wearing this.

Tell me, what else did you have?

Well, a hat.

What was it like?

Oh, it was very silly. I'd be ashamed to wear it here.

As beautiful as that.

What else? Come, tell me.

-An evening gown. -An evening gown?

Yes, it's a dress you wear in the evening.

What do you wear in the morning?

When you get up you wear a negligee, then you change into a morning frock.

You mean to tell me you wear a different dress for different times of the day?

-Yes. -Now, Ninotchka, you are exaggerating.

No, it's true. That's how they live in the other world.

Here we dress to cover up our bodies. To keep warm.

And there?

Sometimes they're not completely covered, but, uh, they don't freeze.

Oh, they must have wonderful materials to make a thing like this.

So soft.

-Something you don't even see. -You feel it, though.

Ninotchka, I wouldn't bring this up if we weren't such good friends.

What is it, Anna?

You know I told you that Pavlov and I are going to get married...

-...when he comes back from the maneuvers. -Mm.

Would it be asking too much if...?

-You want this? -Just for the honeymoon.

-It's yours for good. -Ninotchka.

Ninotchka!

Thank you. Thank you very much.

I'll never, never forget what you've done.

Am I going to play that cadenza tonight!

MAN 1 [OVER RADIQ]: Individuals, yes. As atoms in the cosmos of Soviet Russia.

MAN 2: And 30 million peasants, 85 percent of the population....

MAN 3: Into an automobile and the muzhik into a tractor...

...and then let the capitalists try to keep--

[CLICKS OFF]

No music.

[MUMBLING]

IRANOFF: Ninotchka!

Aw, Buljanoff, Iranoff, and Kopalski! How are you, you three scoundrels?

Well, we are back home.

You know what they say, there is nothing like home.

And we might as well face it.

Now, you mustn't talk that way, you must adjust yourselves.

-Let's be brave. -Brave, that's right.

-Come and sit down. -Let's be happy that we are all alive.

That we owe to Ninotchka.

If you hadn't given Commissar Razinin such a wonderful report about us...

-...who knows what would've happened? -I can tell you exactly.

Let's forget everything, except we're together.

-Yes, let's do that. -It's a real Paris reunion.

If you close your eyes and listen to our voices, we might be in Paris.

Let's not close our eyes. There are many good things to see here too.

Look how nicely she has arranged the table.

Yes, how lovely. And what a wonderful room you have here.

-How many families live here with you? -Only myself and two other girls.

One is a cello player, and the other's a streetcar conductor.

-Just three people in a room this size? Ooh. -Buljanoff, look here.

-Isn't that wonderful? -Look at this.

-What good material. -Naturally, it's not the royal suite.

Comrades, once and for all, we are in Moscow.

Yes, there's no doubt of that. Just look out of the window and there it is.

And it's great.

Think what it was a few years ago and what it is now.

It's a tremendous achievement.

-You must be reasonable, comrades. -She is right.

Anyhow, let's talk ourselves into it.

All right. It's great. It's marvelous. It's wonderful.

Just see how happy the people look from here.

Can you blame them? At least the May Day parade is over.

That's another thing. It's spring.

The same spring we had in Paris. Just as good.

-Even the swallows are back. -Really?

Yes, that's right. Maybe it's the same swallow we saw in Paris.

Yes, itis, Ninotchka. It is.

He must have been in Paris. You can see it in his whole attitude.

He picked up a crumb of our black bread, shook his head and dropped it.

We must be patient. Finally we got the spring, didn't we?

Oh, let's forget the future. Let's stop being sentimental.

-Let's start that omelet. -That's right.

-Here is my egg. -And here is mine.

And here are mine.

I don't know, where's my egg? I had an egg too.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Comrades, I am out of the omelet.

-Don't worry, there'll be enough. -Of course.

-Thank you. IRANOFF: Now come over here.

Come, Ninotchka, let's make it in real Parisian style.

-Yeah. -Let's fill it with comfiture des prunes.

A man like that...

...all he has to do is walk through a room and the omelet drops.

Yes.

ALL [SINGING]: Paris I still adore you BULJANOFF: Adore you, ha-ha-ha Paris I'm longing for you BULJANOFF: For you, for you, Paris For you I left my heart my with you

-For you NINOTCHKA: Shh.

[IRANOFF AND BULJANOFF SIGH]

[MAN GARGLING LOUDLY]

Comrade Yakushova, here, the postman left this letter for you.

NINOTCHKA: Thank you, Vladimir. Thank you.

IRANOFF: What is it, Ninotchka? -Ninotchka, what is it?

-It's from Paris. -From Paris?

-A bill? -From Leon.

-From Leon? -How is he, tell us?

Shh!


Bad news?


-Well, I think it's getting late. IRANOFF: Hmm.

Good night, Ninotchka.

Thanks for a wonderful dinner.

-Good night, Ninotchka. -Good night.

Good night.

They can't censor our memories, can they?

No.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[MAN SNORING]


[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Come in.

-Good morning, comrade. -Good morning, Comrade Commissar.

Here's my report on materials available for trading in the next four months.

Does it include the products of the far eastern provinces?

-Yes, it does. Yes. -You've finished the whole investigation?

That's marvelous. You must have worked day and night.

-Don't you ever sleep? -l need very little sleep.

We must be extremely careful what goods we take in exchange.

I have already started a survey on our most urgent needs.

Comrade, I am afraid you will have to turn over that work to someone else.

May I ask why?

-Please sit down. -Thank you.

Now, comrade, have you heard from your friends...

...Kopalski, Buljanoff, and Iranoff?

-No. -I haven't either...

...but I have heard about them. You must realize...

...it was on the strength of your Paris report that I sent them to Constantinople.

Without that, I never would have trusted them...

-...0n a mission as important as a fur deal. -May I ask what has happened?

If I told you what's going on in Constantinople right now...

...you wouldn't believe it.

They are sitting there, those three, for six weeks...

...and haven't sold a piece of fur. This anonymous report was sent to me.

They are dragging the good name of our country through every café and nightclub.

Here. "How can the Bolshevik cause gain respect among the Moslems...

...if your three representatives, Buljanoff, Iranoff, and Kopalski, get so drunk...

...that they throw a carpet out of their hotel window...

...and complain to the management that it didn't fly."

Unbelievable! It's an outrage.

They shouldn't do such things. Are you sure this report's correct?

Naturally, I want to verify it, and that's why I need you.

-You want me to go to Constantinople? -Yes, leaving immediately.

I appreciate your confidence in me...

...but I must ask you to entrust someone else with this mission.

I should hate to interrupt my present work.

I am positive my survey is more important...

...than finding out whether three of our comrades have been...

...drinking some extra glasses of champagne.

That is for me to decide, Comrade Yakushova.

I am sorry. I don't want to overstep my position...

...but please don't send me. Please, comrade, let me stay here.

Let me finish my work. I'm in the rhythm of it now.

I don't want to go away.

I don't wanna be sent into that foreign atmosphere again.

It throws you out of gear.

Let me finish my work. I have concentrated everything in it.

Please don't make me go.

Don't waste my time, comrade. Do your duty. Goodbye.

I shall do my best.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[PLANE APPROACHING]

How do you like it, Ninotchka? Isn't it wonderful?

-Tell us, Ninotchka. -Buljanoff, Iranoff, Kopalski--

Now, please don't start figuring it out in cows.

You've done it again, and I'm responsible. How can you forget yourselves this way?

You were sent here to make money, not to spend it.

Buljanoff, she still has those old-fashioned ideas.

-It is high time she got out of Russia. -Comrades.

-I must be stern with you. -That's our old Ninotchka.

Don't forget the day will come when you will have to face Razinin.

[LAUGHING] Ninotchka! Razinin?

Good old Razinin. Is he still alive? How does he manage?

-Comrades-- -Friends, Ninotchka, we are friends.

Imagine, we don't have to whisper anymore.

No. We can say whatever we want.

We can shout, we can complain. Look.

The service in this hotel is terrible!

See? Nobody comes, nobody pays any attention.

-That's freedom. -That's bad management.

Is it possible to bring you back to reality for one moment?

I must have a complete report of your negotiations...

-...and a detailed expense account. -No, no, Ninotchka, don't ask for it.

There is a Turkish proverb which says:

"If something smells bad, why put your nose in it?"

There is an old Russian saying:

"The cat who has cream on his whiskers had better find good excuses."

With our cream situation as it is...

...it's Russia that should apologize to the cats.

I don't know how I can get you out of it this time.

How will it end?

-Shall we tell her? -Yes.

-Ninotchka, I hope you'll be our guest. -Guest?

-Yes, we have opened a restaurant. -A restaurant?

We have a wonderful electric sign:

"Dine with Buljanoff, Iranoff, and Kopalski."

You mean you're deserting Russia?

Ninotchka, don't call it desertion. Our little restaurant, that is our Russia.

The Russia of borscht, the Russia of beef Stroganoff.

-Of blinis and sour cream. -The Russia of pirozhki.

-People will eat and love it. -We are not only serving good food...

...We are serving our country. We are making friends.

Who gave you this idea? What's responsible for all this?

There is something in Constantinople, something irresistible.

It's in the air. It may come around the corner...

-...when you walk down the street. -It may step out of a bazaar.

It may be waiting for you in a corridor. It may hide in the shadow of a minaret.

And right now it's on the balcony.

They wouldn't let me in, so I had to get you out.

Leon.

Ninotchka.

So you're behind all this. I should have known.

Trying to keep me away from you.

As though that were possible.

Naturally, I couldn't go on forever punching passport officials in the nose...

...but I found a way, didn't I?

Oh, darling, I had to see you. I wrote and wrote.

All my letters came back to me.

And the one I got, they wouldn't let me read.

It began, "Ninotchka, my darling”...

...and it ended "Yours, Leon."

I won't tell you what came between.

I'll show you, I'll prove it.

But it'll take a long time, Ninotchka.

At least a lifetime.

Oh, but, Leon, I'm only here for a few days.

All right, if you don't stay with me, then I'll have to continue my fight.

I'll travel wherever there are Russian commissions.

I'll turn them all into Iranoffs, Buljanoffs, and Kopalskis.

The world will be crowded with Russian restaurants.

I'll depopulate Russia.

Comrade, once you saved your country by going back.

This time you can only save it by staying here.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, if it is a choice between my personal interest...

...and the good of my country, how can I waver?

No one shall say Ninotchka was a bad Russian.

Darling.