No Stranger Than Love (2015) Script

Hi, Bob.




Uh, Ms. Sherrington?

I have a question. Um...

Did you know that Napoleon had a girlfriend who was 19 years older than he was?

Ms. Sherrington, could you come to the office immediately please?

I did not know that, Alex.

It's dark. It's black. John?

It's Ethiopia. It's the jungle.

My god, John, you are the principal.

Just listen.

Lucy, I want you and me to Chuck everything, just Chuck it.

Oh, good god. And then we go to some third world country, drop to our hands and knees and sink up to our elbows in filth.


Filth is life, Lucy.

See, I chose this janitor's closet as a symbol.

See, I've really thought this thing out.

John, how do we get out of here without people seeing us?

Right through that door.

I am sick and tired of caring what people think.

You go out first. And then I'm going to...

I want to bust out of here and I want to bust out of here with you.

Hemingway was shooting elephants when he was my age.

John, really, I mean it!

John, I hate that.

I just absolutely hate that.

This yanking! Don't you ever yank me like that ever again.

Ever. You hear me?

Oh. Did you tell her about the votes?

Less than one minute ago, Mrs. Crooper.

Congratulations, Lucy.

You're queen of the jamboree again.

The whole town is so proud of you.


Hey, Queenie! Ugh!

Don't you 'ugh' me. So who's bringing the pastries for tomorrow?

I am.

Well, yes, though you brought them last time.

I know. I want to.

Hmm, you want to. All right, I'll see you tomorrow.

Hi, Willie.

Hey, you wanna go out tonight?

It's a school night.

I... I really can't. I really...

Well, good, 'cause I can't either.

Sorry to tell you I'm drunk as a turd.

Aw, Willie.

I know. I know, I hate it too.

I just wanna ask you a favor.

When you see me from now on can you try lookin' a little deeper?

Deeper? Uh-huh.

'Cause I'm a helluva surprise when you look past the...

Well, you know, me not having much of a job and riding around on a Schwinn, that sort of thing, and I am so much in love with you, okay?

Okay, Willie.

Thank you, Lucy.

See you later.

Hey, Lucy!

Hey, Lucy! Lucy, check it out. Check it out!

No, no, no, Lucy. Lucy, check this out.


Have a good one.


Hi, Lucy. It's... it's Vernon. I hope I'm not bothering you.

No, no, I'm just getting ready for bed is all.

Okay, well, I won't keep you.

Um, what I was wondering is, are you finished with the books I gave you?

Well, no, Vernon, I haven't gotten around to them yet.

Well, that's fine then.

I was just curious to know your thoughts about the poems and that piece on the end of nature.

'Cause you always have such a fresh angle on things.

Well, I'm looking forward to them, Vernon, I really am.

Okay, well, maybe I'll bump into you tomorrow at school.

I hope so. Goodnight.

Goodnight, Vernon.


I'm at the dairy whip.

You really are?

I really am.

- I'm coming over. What did you say?

I... I said I'm coming over.

I mean to your wife.

Oh, oh. Uh, I said that I was gonna the school to watch old game films.

And I did. I... I actually went there and I watched old game films so it wouldn't be a lie.

Good. That's good. What did she say?

She said fine.

I'm gonna leave my car in the woods.

Okay, I'm gonna turn off the outside lights so it's darker.

We really have to be very careful about this, Clint.

No, I... I know. I know. She... you think I don't know?

The side door by the woods.

Side door by the woods.

Here I come.

Oh, god, have you ever felt like this?

Well, I dunno.

What do you mean you don't know?

You know, yes, you do know.

But, the thing is it's frightening.

This feeling is frightening. And you know why?

Why? Because this is love, Lucy.

This is it. It's what we've waited all of our lives for.

And everybody in this little fleabag town they think that they love you, but I really love you.

I fooled myself with Verna.

This is the real thing.

This is the genuine thing.

Is it?

Well, yes of course it is. What else could it be?

Well, I don't know.

What do you mean, you don't know?

It's just when it comes to love, the thing that's always clouded the issue for me is sex.

You want me to go?

No, I'm just saying, in my life, I've... I've always been...

I guess frugal is the word, frugal with things like this.


Well, I'm frugal too.

All right, now, I want you to stand there, okay?

Don't move. I'm gonna stand here. Okay.

Now, I'm gonna take off all of my clothes and I'm gonna ask you to do the same thing.

Lucy Sherrington, if it's sex that clouds things up for you, I say let's just scrape sex off the plate so you can see things more clearly, all right?

This is not sex now. Do you know what this is?


Two humans talking.

All right? Stripped down. No bullshit. Straight on.

Okay, we've known each other for how long?

Well, let's see, maybe what, three years?

And for most of that time period, you and I have been doing a lot of, well, smoldering for each other, wouldn't you agree?

Have we? Yes, we have.

Now, we have been patient, we've been good, we've been respectful of people.

Yes, we have.

We're not fools. We're not kids all juiced up on hormones.

No. No.

You know what we are?

Romeo and Juliet.

Romeo and Juliet?

I never believed in that kind of baloney.

You know that kind of love where nothing else matters.

Or the kind of love that you'd die for.

But tonight when I was watching that game film I was just leaning back in my chair, with my arms hanging down and I swear to god all I could think about was you.

Well, but hadn't you actually seen that particular game film before?

Yes, but the point is I've never felt like this before, Lucy.

I love you and... And if I have to wait a year, five years, if I have to wait the rest of my life I will not touch you until you say, "Clint, I love you."


I love you.

Ahhh! Clint!

Clint! Clint? Clint?







Lucy, what happened?


Lucy, where are you? I'm here!

I'm right up here, Clint! Are you all right?

I don't know. I can't see anything.

Are you hurt?

I'm not even on anything. I'm just floating.

You listen to me. Lie very still.

On what? There is no ground!

There is no anything! What is going on here?

I don't know, Clint!

There's a big hole up here but when I go down to the cellar there's nothing! Just the ceiling.

What do you see when you look up?

Up? There is no up! Everything is the same!

It's all black! Ow. What the... wait a minute.

Something just hit me.

There are horrible little things pinging off of me!

Things? Yes, things! Little things!

Coins! Coins?

I threw down coins.

Coins? Ow! I've been shot. Ow!

No, it's a candy dish.

What? It's just a dish.

Yeah, I'm feeling it. And it's floating.

What is going on here?

There is no ground. I have to have a ground, Lucy.

I think I should go get somebody, Clint.

No! No! What is that gonna look like, me at your house at this hour?

Now, remember, we're on a rendezvous here.

Well, couldn't we be doing some sort of school-related thing?

Okay, like what?

I don't know. A project?

An art/gym project?

Who is gonna buy that? Lucy, come on?

Listen, if things I throw are hitting you, what if I throw down a rope?

A rope! Oh my god, yes, that is a fantastic idea!

Go get a rope, Lucy.

What the hell was that? Somebody's here.

Okay, uh, tell them you're sleeping.

Luce, it's me. It's my father.

Don't let him in. All right?

You cannot let him in! Shh. Shh. Shh.

Hi, dad.

You got a guest? No. I was just...

I know, that's okay.

Your goddamn pain in the neck mother said it was too late to come by, but your phone's been busy for weeks and...

I just gotta ask you something honey. What?

Do you think I'm a good mayor?

Yes. You're a wonderful mayor.

Of course, you're a good mayor.

Well, then why can't I write a simple goddamn poem?

Poem? Yeah.

You see, this year I want to open the jamboree with a little poem.

Something that's kind of uplifting, you know?

Dealing with, uh, virtue and honesty and trust and integrity, stuff that's right up your alley.

I mean you make people sick with this kinda stuff, you're so goddamn good.

So I thought maybe you could, uh, start me off.

Well, it's something I'm gonna have to think about, daddy.

I've kind of shut down for the night.

Oh, uh, pfft, yeah of course, I'm sorry, it's late.

But at least you understand the importance of an opening poem.

Goddamn moron of a mother.

Lucy? Mmm-hmm?

What's the matter?

Aw, I know what it is.

You don't like me calling your mother a moron.

Listen, sweetie, I'd call your mother a moron if she was standing right next to me. Uh...

Sweetie. It's okay. I mean...

I mean she calls me "dumbo" and...

"Mr. flabby" that kind of thing, you know that.

Sweetheart, someday you're gonna meet the ideal guy and if you can stay together as long as we have, well, then, it'll all go to hell for you too and that'd be that.

Anyway, when a good opening for my poem hits you, just give me a call or come over to the house, okay?

Aw, thank you, sweetie.

You're the best. Goodnight.

Oh, and your porch light is out.

He's gone! Yes, I know. I can hear.

I can hear everything!

Lucy, rope. We gotta get rope. I need to get out of here.

Rope. Well, how much rope?

Lots. Miles of the stuff.

Well, I don't know, Clint. Won't me asking for miles of rope at this hour make people think something's funny?

Good point. Uh, Willie Perry!

Willie Perry? Yes! He's perfect!

Lucy, go down to the port hole, and find Willie Perry, all right?

He is nuts. He saves everything. All right?

He'll have tons of rope. He'll help us.

Well, but what about the...

The rendezvous aspect?

That's why Willie is perfect.

Look, we're blood-brothers since we were ten.

All right, he won't tell a soul!

Just go get Willie.

All right, you gotta do it, Lucy! Go. Get him.


Ma'am, I don't suppose you have any idea it is against the law to look that fantastic, do you?

Howard, I'm just not gonna stop anymore.

I'm just not. This is no fair.

We gotta go dancing, Lucy.

Oh, we haven't been dancing for months.

You remember the last time we went dancing?

I do.

The sweat was pouring off of us.

We gotta get sweating like that again, Lucy, I mean it.


Gotta go.

Hey, where you going so late? Na, na, na, na, just name a night, I'll call you.

God, you break my heart.

I don't get it either. You don't get it?


Hey, congratulations, my queen, third year in a row.

What are you doing in here? You want some popcorn?

No. Thank you, Brenda. I'm looking for Willie actually.

Willie? You just missed him. He just went up the cliffs with Randy and I don't know, a couple of others.

Want a pretzel?

No. Thank you. No.

I'm completely lost.

Am I anywhere near this address?

You're looking for Clint Coburn?

Yeah, you know him? Yeah, who doesn't? He's not far.

Hey, Lucy, you going up to the cliffs after Willie?

No. You going home?

Yeah. Okay, follow her.

She goes right past Clint's place. Is that okay with you, Luce?


Rydell Whyte.

What are you gonna do, toot?


You know, when you come to Clint Coburn's house, you gonna toot your horn or...

I'll slow down and point. There's deer.

Deer? Ceramic deer and ducks, you'll see.

I'm in a little bit of a hurry.

No problem. I'm right behind you, Lucy-I'm-in-a-little-bit-of-a-hurry.

Ow. Ow. Ow.

You have a rag or something? I kinda bonked my forehead back there.

Oh, my god, what happened?

I don't know, I hit my head on the stupid car. You just have a rag or...

Here, here. Ah, man.

Thanks, I just didn't have anything.

Oh this is good, good. I know you're in a hurry so, uh, bye.

How bad is it? I don't know, it's... It's nothing.

Um, can you see?

Yeah, well, it's a gash.

A gash?

Yes, a gash.

I mean, is it deep?

Well, no, not very. I mean, your skull's right there.

You can see my skull? No. I'm just saying...

Right, right, right, how deep can it be

'cause your skull's right there. Good.

Oh, this is good. But, man, oh man, it sure is bleeding.

Are there any main arteries in your head?

I don't know.

No. I don't think so, but I think you oughtta get some stitches.

Stitches? Oh, my god, where am I gonna get stitches?

You know, I don't even know where I am.

You know, fine, you know what, I'll deal with this. I'm good.

You know, thank you very much for your troubles.


Come... come here. Come sit.

Just got a little case of the Whirlies.

Get a little funny when it comes to, uh, blood of my own that's coming out of my...

Oh, boy.

This is awful, I'm so sorry, but how far do we have to go for some ice?

Clint, I couldn't get Willie or any rope but there's a man at the bar and he's looking for you.

He's going to your house.

What? Uh, what man, who?

I never saw him before. He's in the car. I'll be right back.

He's in the car? Shh. Yes.

Outside in the car? Yes, he needs help, what could I do?

Ditch him, that's what. Who is this guy?

I don't know, Rydell somebody.

He didn't even know where you lived.

Rydell. I... I don't know any Rydell. What's he look like?

Dark. He looks dark.

Dark? Oh, no.

Oh, god, oh please, please, please, no, no. Dark? Ugh.

I'll be right back.

I'm down in a hole floating and now they're coming to get me.

Coming to get you?

Who's coming to get you, Clint?

Thugs, Lucy, thugs.

Oh, holy crow, Jesus god, now what?


Granville's thugs. There's only one? There's only one dark thug?

Who's Granville?

Granville's a bookie, Lucy. My bookie.

It doesn't matter. Nothing matters.

A bookie?

I make a sports bet or two. No big deal. No big deal.

It doesn't matter. Nothing matters but us.


I'll be back soon, Clint.

No, no, no, don't go Lucy. For god's sakes, the guy's a goon.

This is a nice feature, this seat.


Is he mad?


Your husband.

I don't have a husband. Please hold still.

So, you're a friend of Clint's?

You know him? Yes.

Yes, we teach at the same school.

He's a teacher?

Gym. Phys-ed, he's a coach.

What kind of coach?

Football coach.

A football coach.

And what do you teach?

The bleeding stopped.

Thank you. And what is it that you teach?

Art. Should I drive you home or...

Art? Really?



Man, that's incredible, to be able to teach art.

What's so incredible about it?


I mean, what is it?

You don't know what art is?

Well, kinda.

But I couldn't put it into words.

I mean, what is it?

And what is it that you do?

What about if you ask me...

How about if you ask me what is it that I would like to do?

Look, are you feeling... So you have no interest in knowing what it is that I would like to do?

What is it that you would like to do?

None of your goddamn business.

Um, yeah, I...

I would like to build a stone cottage in the country.

I would like to have maybe five acres.


And I would like to write at least one good poem.

Are you feeling better?

Yeah, let's... Let's test her out.


All right.

Which way are the cliffs?

The cliffs?

The ones they were talking about in the bar.

Hard to describe.

Oh, kind of like art.

Thank you. You've been very helpful.

I'll walk back. I'd like to walk back.

Fresh air.

I'm all perked up.

Do you know where you are?

No idea.

Let me know when you figure out what art is.



Lucy, Lucy, Lucy, Lu, Lu, Lu...


Oh, god. Lucy?

Clint, it's almost 8:00. I'm gonna call in sick.

No, no, you can't. I slept like a log last night.

I feel great! And I've thought it all out. All right. Everything fits.

You have to go to school. I do?

Yes, yes! If we're both not at school, people might think something's fishy.

Plus, if you don't go to school, you can't go to the hardware store for rope.

Forget Willie. All right, after school, you go to the hardware store and you buy all the rope that Eddie's got, and then you come home, you pull me out.

I go home, and I lie like crazy. So, go!

What about the whole bookie thing?

Well, that's my lie! Some thug kidnapped me last night!

He came looking for me at the bar!

Brenda will back it up! You see, it all fits!

All right, so just go.

Okay? Go, go, go, go!

Hi, Ms. Sherrington. Congratulations.

Poor Verna.

I don't wanna go in there either, but somebody's gotta tell her.

Tell her what?

Oh, you didn't hear?

Couple of joggers found Clint's SUV down the old Jones logging road.

Starting to get weird with the blood and all, isn't it?

What blood?

They found a big wad of bloody Kleenex on the road near Clint's house.

I'll call you.

The law has arrived.

Hi, Lucy.

Hi. Um, I copied something down I think you're really gonna like.

Um, because you know how you're always saying you don't know very much?

Well, listen, "the less one knows, "the more passionate one is able to become.

"And the more one knows, the less passionate one is able to become."

So, do you think that's true or...

Gee, I'm not sure, Vernon.

Because if it is, it's pretty sad because, you know, we, like us, like people thrive on knowing.

And what hope do we have for sustained passion, you know, do you see?

I'll just leave it with you.

Not a big thing.

Bye, Vernon!

Did you tell him?


Clint Coburn, did you tell him about me?

Did I tell him what about you?

That I'm looking for him.

Did you talk to him at all?

He never went home. He never went to school. He must be ducking me.

Why am I doing this? Who's kidding who?

Does he drink? Drink?


I would have no information about that.

I'll try some bars.

I went to those cliffs. They're really beautiful.

And I'm sorry about being such a big baby about this whole thing.

It's not even puffy.

You were very sweet. Thank you.


All of it, please, ed.

Maybe, we shoulda left it on the spool.

What do you want with all this rope?

Oh, we're doing a rope project in class.

Please, don't do that, ed.

I'm just growling at you.

I know. But still.

You make a man growl, you know, that's all there is to it.

Do you have more spools of rope, ed?

Nope. I can get more.

Might take a week.

Might take more. Might take less.

This is fine.

Well, I'll haul it out to the car for you.

Why don't you hold my chocolate eclair for me?

You can take a bite out of it if you want.


Oh, god!

Clint, people are coming over.

That was just six hours? Felt like a month.

Did you get the rope?

Yes, I'm throwing it down.

Did you hear what I said? People are coming over.

People? People who?

My friends. Once a month at 3:00, I forgot.

There's nothing I can do.

Fifteen minutes! Are you reaching your hand up?

Yes! Yes! Keep her coming. How much did you get?

All they had.

And they found your car.

What? No, that's impossible.

I threw branches on it. And grass.

Well, they found it.

Maybe I should just tell.

Tell? No. Verna, she might just, I don't know, she must just keel right over.

It would be like murder, all right. We cannot tell her.

Are you still feeding me the rope?

Yes, are you fishing your hand around?

Yes, both hands! Well, that's it.

That's it?

Oh, god.

Oh, god. Helen's here. Oh, god.

The rug! Cover me with the rug! The rug.

Wait, wait, what if they step on it? What if someone falls in?

The coffee table!

Yes! The coffee table! You are a genius, the coffee table!

Yes! Oh, wait, wait, wait, could you throw me down a snack first, okay?

I'm dying down here. I need a bread, a carrot, anything, please.



Okay, maybe we ought to let Nancy off the hot seat for now.

No, no, this is good. Just... just let me finish.

Where did I leave off?

Um, he had just kicked the birdcage across the room.

Oh, yeah. And then, and then he said every time we kissed, all he could see was our jaw hinges opening and closing, our tongues like slabs of meat poking in and out, our teeth separated from each other by just two flaps of hide.

Whoa, hide?

Yeah. I don't know, he hunts a lot.

Maybe that's why he called our lips hide.

This one doesn't sound so good, Nance.

No. No.

Well, there, I'm done being on the hot seat. Who's next? Lucy?

Yeah, you don't need to take notes for Lucy.

Lucy's always fine and the men in her life are always nice.

I'm not always fine.

Oh yeah, how many "fines" and "nicest" was it last time? Remember, we kept track.

Oh, ah yes. So, 17.

Mmm-hmm. Well, I don't care.

I could say it a 1000 times and that doesn't mean it's true.

I'm not always fine. Nobody is.

And I would really like if you would stop thinking that about me.

I think I'm gonna make more tea.


You know, the thing that gets me?

There's like a million people out there that I could have a life with, that I could love.

I don't know, doesn't that idea just drive you nuts?

I mean, in this town, there are men...

Oh, please name one?

Name ten. Include addresses.

You know, I just think that anybody could love anybody.

I mean, that's what I think.


Yeah, I liked where the table was, Luce. This is nowhere.

Well, I'm just experimenting.


Clint Coburn. Ugh.

Clint Coburn?

Yeah, he's one of the guys in town that I'm kind of attracted to.

He's married.

I'm just talking about being attracted.

Sorry, hello. No.

What do you mean, no? No attraction, none.

He's a football coach.

It's like a... It's like a lion tamer.

It's not a real thing to be.

Yeah, no. Yeah.

Is everything okay?

Oh, fine, fine, just a little emergency.

Oh. School, nothing big.

But, so upsy-Daisy.

I guess we gotta wrap it up a bit early-ish, I am so sorry.

No, go, go, go, go!

Go, we can clean up. Go.

But I like cleaning up.

I'm less than halfway done with my French cruller, I'm not budging. So go.

It's fine. Bye.


Who's next?

Oh, I'd like to go.

Um, okay, is it a deal breaker if the guy has no teeth?

I was waiting for your guests to leave.

This is a mid-station. My god!

I had nowhere else to go.

My heart.

I had nowhere else to go. I'm sorry.

Everybody's after me. I know. I know.

Wait, you know? The police just called. They want to talk to me.

About you. Oh, god!

What did you do?

Nothing. Nothing?

No, absolutely nothing. I swear to you.

Well, but they said you ran away.

Yeah, I did. Do you think I could hide out in your house for a little while? No!

No, I mean after your guests leave.

No! Well, okay, then.

Well, you better start going. Where?

To the police station. They're expecting you, aren't they? Talk to them.

You talk to them! They're looking for you!

I can't, they'll arrest me. Why, if you did nothing?

Because they think I did. They think he's missing because of me.

What kind of a town is this?

I walk into a bar and everyone's pointing at me and shouting about Clint Coburn and then some guy lunges at me. It's a nightmare.

And... and I just ran.

I just left my car there and I ran.

And it's not even my car. It's my idiot brother's car!

I'm so tired of myself. Why am I like this?

How much money does Clint Coburn owe?

How do you know he owes money?

Well, isn't it obvious?

Is it?

You don't know him, you're looking for him, you seem all mysterious.

Mysterious, really? Yes!

Mysterious in a threatening kind of way?

Yes, I would say you seem threatening, yes.

All right, well, I'm happy to hear you say that.

'Cause, these aren't even my pants.

I think I can do this. I just gotta find him.

That's all, just get this over with.

Where is he?

Where is this man?

I'm turning into the parking lot.

Oh, Lordie. Lay low, lay low. I'm low, I'm low.

Lower! No, there isn't lower.

Hey, Lucy! Hey!

I've come to offer you my personal support.

I nearly tackled the lunatic in the bar but he stiff-armed me.

Mmm-hmm. He's gigantic.

Oh. Come on, I'll walk you in.


So, he got out of his car, and when he came over to your car, his face was covered with blood.

I wouldn't say covered with blood. He was bleeding a little.

Did you ever look in his car?

No. No?


And so it is possible that Clint Coburn was already in that car, and that the blood was caused by a struggle between the two men.

Howard, why would he be looking for Clint Coburn if Clint Coburn was sitting right in his car?

To throw you off the track. Off what track, Howard?

See, you have no feel for this because you have absolutely no aptitude whatsoever for deceit.

You believe that the world is good and that good people tell the truth.

Howard, I have people at my house.

Okay, Lucy. I just want to thank you for coming down.

God damn. I like the looks of your hair.

Is that a crime? No.

Yeah, I'd have kept running after him, but I tripped on my shoelace.

Oh. Yeah.

Hey, where's my bike?

Someone stole my bike.

Howard! Howard!

I'm not behaving rationally.

Art is the human effort to position forms, sounds, colors, and other elements into an entity that manipulates the sense of beauty.

Did you come here to tell me that?


Then why did you come here?

I don't know.

What did you mean when you said that you were tired of yourself?

Okay. Here's the big joke in my family.

My parents work in the iron and steel business.

My mother irons. My father steals.

Decent joke, right?

The thing is, it's not really a joke. It's kind of the truth.

My mom stays home. My dad's a crook.

I have three older brothers. They're crooks too.

They hate it when I call them that. They say, "bookies, asshole.

"We're professionals gamblers." Fine.

When I was little, my brothers would jump on me and Randy would hold down my arms and Craig would hold down my legs and my oldest brother Jamie would stick his fingers into my armpits and tickle me and tickle me and tickle me until I did not have enough air for noise.

And I thought... I actually thought this, "I'm going to die.

"I'm going to die." My dad would see this, and he'd say, "you're being tickled, for Christ's sake.

"Laugh, god damn it, laugh."

Everyone's laughing and I'm not laughing.

I wrote a poem.

I wrote a poem for my date to the high school prom.

And my brothers found this and they posted it on the bulletin board like it was the funniest thing they'd ever seen.

And I... I don't even know why I'm telling you all this right now.

Except that's how I feel, like I don't have enough breath for noise.

So, here I am.

There's blood caked in my hair, I'm sleeping in a tiny car that's not mine, I'm stealing bicycles, townspeople are chasing me through the streets while I search for someone who doesn't exist. Why?

Because everyone in my family wants me to be something that I can't be. Can not be!

Can not!

And I don't have the balls to say "fuck off.

"Fuck off, everyone. I want different things."

You know, my dad cheats on my mom and my mom cheats on my dad, my brothers cheat on their wives and their wives cheat on my brothers and all they do with their lives is make lots and lots of money.

From nothing but other money and I say, "I want nothing to do with it."

They keep on saying, "taste it, taste it, taste it.

"Just once and if you don't like it, you can spit it out."

And I'm spitting it out. I don't like it. I want something different.

I... I hate it.

You know, I want to be someone who says, "hey, how about adding something good to the shit-pile?

"And you know what, you're wrong, it's a fine poem and here's what I want, "and here's what I'm gonna do, and this is who I wanna be

"and this is who I am." But do I say these things?

No! I do not.

Why can't I be the guy who says those things? I am so fucking tired of me.

And all I want to do at this particular moment in my particular life is this...

Clint Coburn is in a hole in the living room of my house.

Lucy! Lucy, is that you?

Uh-huh. Yeah. Yes.

It's me all right. I'm back.

Lucy, do not say a thing until I say one word to you, one magic word that will unlock your treasure box and free your gems and... Oh, god, can you hear me?

Now I'm talking like a poet or something.

Because down here, there are no distractions.

No sensations. No nothing.

Except for my whiskers starting to itch a little and I'm starving for a cheeseburger, that kinda thing.

But except for that what I am is just a floating chunk of unbelievably pure clarity.

Oh, Lucy, Lucy, I want to be with you.

I want to hold you.

I want to wrap my arms around you.

I want to suck your entire head into my mouth and run my tongue around you like a...

Like a fucking lollipop.

I mean, do you hear how I'm phrasing things now?

Oh, and here's the magic word that I want to say to you that I see with such clarity, jump.

Jump! Be with me!

It will be like loving in dreams.

Holding each other, naked, floating alone in the blackness, forever!

Where are you going?

I... I stole a bike.

I'm gonna return it.

You know, it seems like you got a lot on your plate at the moment so you don't need me in your hair.

You're not in my hair. You're not.

And Clint Coburn is not on my plate.

He's never been on my plate.

Never. I just...

- Freeze, police! Howard!

Lucy, clear the area!

Dude, back away from the merchandise!

Hands high!

Reach for the sky!

Do not make me do what I do not want to do!

Howard, good lord, there's no need for a gun!

You left your bag at the precinct, girl!

Do not come and get it yet!

Tough guy, huh?

I had a hunch, girl. You okay?

Howard, he's done nothing.



And then, where is Clint Coburn?

He's... Swell question, officer.

Where could that Clint Coburn be?

Well, that's cute.

Get in there. Huh.

You got a lot of courage, girl.

I'm afraid there's gonna be a lot of questions, a lot of paperwork.

We'll do it together. Make it fun.


Just uh... up. Up we go.


Here we go.

All right, be safe now.

Whoops. You dropped something.

Dropped it.


How you doing?

Why don't you watch your mouth?

Hi. Hi, Ms. Sherrington.

I have to talk to you right now.


I know about coach Coburn, okay?

You know what about coach Coburn, Alex?

That you killed him, but that doesn't matter to me because I love you.

Oh great, now they've got dogs.

Um... oh, you know what?

I have got a spot right nearby that nobody knows about where we can hide.


Yeah, listen, you can hear them.

I'll be 40 when you're 53.

That's not bad, right? Alex!

Coach Coburn is not dead.

He's in my house. He fell in a hole.

A hole?

Listen. Where are you?


Okay. Okay, um... Where are you?

We go to my secret spot anyway.

It's okay that coach Coburn isn't dead.

I mean, we can go there even if you just want to rest there or get away from the search party.

It's not far, I promise.


I don't want to hear a single peep, little bird.

No. No, what?


No, no, not a lollipop, I should've said popsicle.

I should've said popsicle.

That makes much more sense.

Hello? Clint?

Is that you in there, coach?

Um, no! Mayor, it is not.

Everything is very normal in here.

What in god's name?

This hole is invigorating.

It's scientifically invigorating.

Well, then jump on in if it's so invigorating.

Invigorating, my ass.

I... I was just...

I'm sorry everybody, I didn't mean that bit about my ass.

Hey, no problem.

It's all guys up here, coach.

It's John here. Yeah, thanks, John.

Are you fishing around, Clint?

I sure am, Mr. mayor!

It just opened up. It's so odd.

It's so strange.

Wow. But Clint was at my house because

we were about to have an affair.

Yeah, we... we guessed that.

You did? Yeah!

Oh, yeah. It was pretty clear.

I mean, Verna and everything.

How could I have done that to her?


I told him I loved him.

Who doesn't do that? That's no big deal.

Don't you think that's a very big thing, to tell someone you love him?

Well, sweetie you made a hopeful guess.

Who hasn't guessed wrong, right?

I do all the time. Yeah.

Because listen to this, it's not even 24 hours later and now his voice makes my skin crawl.

How can that be?

How could I have said "I love you" to this man?

Listen, that skin crawling part, that can take years to get to.

You're very lucky. Yeah.

I don't know anything about anything.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Now Verna, blow your nose, okay?

Everything's okay, just blow.

I will, I am, I am.

I microwaved some lasagna.

Lasagna. Yummy.

But you didn't come home.

Well, honey, how could I come home, okay? I'm in a hole.

Verna, sweetie, do not worry, all right, they're gonna get me out of here.

We got a great fire department.

Of course, they're gonna get you out of here.

Yeah, we do. Sweetie.

What were you doing here?


Yeah because you said you were going to the school so...

Well, I... I went to the school.

I went there and I watched the game films.

Ask herb, the janitor, he saw me.

You know, but this... This hole is what we should be talking about.

What is it?


What is it?

What is this hole?

How can this be?

Well, we don't know, Verna.

Oh, hey. All we know at the present moment is that there is a hole and Clint's in it.

And it just opened up?

She just opened right up.


Sweetie, what were you doing here?

Uh, doing?

Yes. When it opened up, what were you...

Why were you here at Lucy Sherrington's house when it opened up?

I guess, is what I'm a little confused about.

Well, because Ms. Sherrington is the art teacher, that's why.

Where else would I go?

Go for what?

For what? For the dummies.

Look, is this important? I'm in a hole, for god sakes.

What dummies?

I told you about the dummies, I know I did.

Paper mache blocking dummies for the football team.

Look, is that rope still coming?

Is Lucy available?

Are you out of your mind?

The thing sucked him out of thin air.

It's obviously an act of god, everybody knows that.


I mean, who ever heard of a UFO just sittin' there letting you look at it?

I'm just saying maybe it's from outer space.

I don't think so.

I say the entire thing is an optical illusion.

Yeah, well, I'll tell you what the hole is and I'll tell you right now and there's no if ands or buts about it.

It's a mouth!

It's saying "shut up you little fools.

"Just stop trying to make sense out of everything.

"And go outside in the moonlight

"and make love in a corn field

"before some hole comes and swallows you down."

Get that man another beer.

Yeah, well, everybody can laugh but I got four kids and to tell you the truth, I don't know why we're not calling in the national guard or somebody.

Well, Vernon, you're the science teacher, do you think the hole poses a threat to our community?

Um, I think this hole, in my opinion, poses a threat to nothing but our arrogance.

You know, we think we can know everything.

We think we can cage everything with words.

You might as well ask me in a language I've never heard, to describe, in a language I don't speak, the taste of a food I've never eaten.

What we have, in my opinion, in the floor of Lucy Sherrington's home, is a...

Is a peephole into the vast landscape of our ignorance.

It's an exhilarating and humbling view into our frailty and limitations.

That's what I think the hole is.

Here. It's cocoa.

Were you warm enough last night?

Yes, I was, yes.

It's a wonderful sleeping bag.

Oh, Alex, I'm wearing your pajamas and my hair's all stringy and my mouth's all mossy and I'm behaving like a crazy lady.

What do you think of Ms. Sherrington now?

It's, uh, different.

What is?

Being here with you. It's, uh...

It's different than I thought it would be.

It's always different than you think, Alex.

You think about doing something and then you do it and it's always different than what you thought.

Always. Absolutely always.


how can anybody ever make a promise?

The jamboree.

Afraid that's it.

What's it? We're out.

What do you mean "out"?

Outta things to tie together, it looks like, coach.

Out? Out?

For now, anyways.

Plus mayor, the jamboree's starting up.

Well, fuck the jamboree!

Drapes! Tie drapes together!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry that was way out of line.

I'm just... I am going ape-shit down here.


I just... I need to get a message to Verna.

Is that... is that possible?

All right, I need to tell her that I made a mistake.

You stay tight down there, coach.

Everyone's going to the jamboree.

And as soon as it's over, I guarantee you we're gonna string together every last thing in this town that has two ends on it.

And that's a promise from the mayor.

Breaker one nine, breaker one nine, coach Coburn to John. John you read me?

I read you, coach. Loud and clear.

- You read me? Loud and clear, John.

Keep it coming, big fella. Gimme more.

Okay. Uh...

Hole or no hole, let's raise the roof for our own coach Coburn!

Thank you, mayor. Thank you very much for that fantastic poem.

Now as all of you probably know by now, I am in a hole.

A very strange hole indeed.

And maybe poetry is just the thing we need when the hour seems dark.

I'm reminded of the poem Casey at the bat.

And while it doesn't deal with a hole per Se, and it's baseball not football, Casey does strike out at the end which is something we are not going to do tomorrow afternoon against Roseville high!

Now I want you to know that I don't get choked up a lot and maybe it's because I'm floating around like a fart in the middle of the night, but your applause coupled with those honking horns actually produced a lump in my throat.

Aw. And who actually produced a lump in your pants, you stinking, lying, cheating stick of horseshit?

Lucy Sherrington, that's who!

Hello? What's... What's happening?


Paper mache, my big fat ass.

You were at Lucy Sherrington's house for one reason and one reason only, sex!

Verna! Verna, wait!

Verna, there's something I need to tell you.

All of you!

You all should be ashamed for not knowing exactly what that hole is!


Somebody! Anybody! Just rub her temples!

It is a note!

It is a very clearly written note from up there.

A note that says "no, no, no. Oh no, you don't do that!

"You don't kick people who love you!

"Do not be fooled by beauty!"

Look at me! I'm in my slippers.

My handkerchief weighs a pound.

Beauty did this to me.

Beauty is empty.

Beauty is cruel.

Love is loving someone who is covered in snot!

Snot! Snot!

Love me!

Love me!

Love me!

Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.


Listen to Verna!

Verna is right!

Verna is right about everything!

Clint Coburn and I were going to do a terrible thing.

A horrible, selfish, terrible thing.

But the hole opened up.

The hole saved us. And...

And I am begging you, Verna, to forgive me.

To forgive us. Because love had nothing to do with it.


And love can be so lovely.

And... and the hope of love is so heartbreaking and that's all it was.


You know when somebody smiles and we smile back and...

And then, whoosh, we're gone, sucked inside somebody else, helpless, helpless.

And all I want is to cash a check and it's sex.

Or to buy some mayonnaise and it's sex.

Or to say hello and it's sex!

Or to put a flower in my hair.

A flower, a simple flower, and it all turns to humping and dogs humping

- and cats jizzing on a curtain.

And all because of hope.

Sweet, sweet hope and...

And Verna, if there is a better noise to make than saying the words "I am sorry," then please tell me and I will make that noise again and again and again until you know that love had nothing to do with it.


And everyone, thank you for voting for me.

I've been a terrible queen.


And I'm sorry mom and dad for making you worry and for being so crazy and for saying "jizz."


I'm tired of holding this thing in, I love you, Lucy.

And my love is the real thing.

Yeah, well, I'm the one that loves her. She's my Lucy.

No, she's nobody's Lucy.

Love is not about owning, it's about freeing.

Lucy, I give you your freedom.

Well, ladies and gentleman, hold on to your hats, because here's a news flash, I love Lucy and we're going to Uganda.



Well, are you willing to strap yourself till the end of time to the leg of the woman you love?

I am! That's love!


Love is the eternal echo of the first heartbeat.

It's the gasping at the soul at the illusion of perfection.

I just want to point out that being great in the sack hasn't been mentioned.

That can make up for a lot of dead spots down the road.

So... I second that.

Clinton, my husband, down in that deep dark hole, this is your wife Verna.

And I will tell you what love is, because now I know.

Love is weak, and love is helpless, because all I really want, as it turns out, is you in my arms.

Then I say what Verna wants, Verna gets.

Folks, we have to construct a lifeline to Clint.


So if you can tie it, bring it!

If it's got two ends on it, we need it!

If it's hanging from something else, then disassemble it!

So unstrap your straps!

Untether your tethers! Unchain your chains!

Unleash your dogs!

De-belt your pants!

And if your pants fall down, well, then tie those fallen pants together!

So pull down your drapes!

Unmake your beds!

Tie your bedspreads together!

Tie your sheets to your sheets and your pillowcases to pillowcases!

Everyone! To the hole!

To the hole!

Wait! I got it. I got it!

You got it? Yes!

I'm tugging! Can you feel me tug?

Yeah! He's got it. He's got it!

He's got the rope! He has got the rope!

He's got the rope, folks!

Okay. All right, we're gonna start to pull now, guys!

Ready? Pull!


He's out! He's out!

He's out! He's out!

He's out!

Light! Oh, god!

I love the light! I love the light!


One, two, three!


I'm on ground!

Oh, I love you, ground!

I love the ground.

Oh, thank you!

Thank you, everyone.

Thank you, everyone.

Thank you, my wonderful...

My wonderful wife.

Down there, alone in the black, I heard you say, "love me, love me, love me," and I said nothing.

Maybe it's because I don't really know what love is.

But this I do know, if I had a shirt, I swear to god, I would be honored

for you to blow your nose on it.

'Cause I love you. And I love your snot. I do.

I'm so sorry. I love you, baby.

I love you too.

You're free to go.

Nothing like family, is there?

Let's go.

This way.


We're reporting live from...

Lucy Sherrington. Yes.

You need to set Rydell Whyte free.

Already did.

Had nothing to hold him on since we located coach Coburn.

Did Rydell say where he was going?

I guess I don't understand how you can screw up such a small potatoes job like this.

How does it happen?

It's embarrassing.

Oh, I see.

All right, please give me that.

See, this is the problem, you're still writing this crap.

Jamie, I mean it. Give me that back.

"The danger... The danger of a stranger is a threat of a better life."

Jamie, I mean it. Give me that back! What does that mean?

Give me that back! Give me that back!


What the hell?

Such an idiot, Rydell.

Where are you...

Come on.

What are you doin'?

Okay, come on. Get your little book and we'll go.

It's a cold world out there, you'll see.

I'm having trouble not saying goodbye.

Come here.

That's some hole.

What is it?

How can it be?


Yes. Pajamas.

That poem of yours.

That... that your brothers made fun of.

Do you know it? I do.

It's very short.

Could I hear it?


I'd just like to hear it.

"Putting love into words

"is like putting

"rose petals into a chipper.

"The heart rattles, "the soul shakes, "and for what?

"Out comes pink goo."