No Strings Attached (2011) Script

No String Attached

So... I'm pretty good at archery.

That'll be useful if you ever have a time machine and your time machine breaks, and you're stuck in the Medieval Ages.

You're funny. It's weird.

Yeah. I'm weird.

Me too.

Yeah, right. Everyone loves you and your dad's like famous, or something.

My parents are getting a divorce, that's why I had to go to camp, so...

Are you crying? No.


Look... I'm not really an affectionate person.

People aren't meant to be together forever.

You think so?


Can I finger you?



Come on, baby, I got ya! Don't drop me!

Hey! Hey!


Oh, my God! I told you that this was a pajama party.

What are you wearing? What is this?

You're wearing actual long johns? What?!

This is a frat party.

You just have to be drunk and look hot.

Watch and learn.

Hey. Hey!

I'm so drunk!

Drink! Drink! Drink!

Hey, do you know that girl?

The sexy pioneer?

I think I know her.

I'd have sex with a pioneer. For sure.

A hungry pioneer lost on the trail.

Do I know you? Hi, Adam Franklin of Camp Weehawken.

I'm Emma Kurtzman. You tried to finger me?

Yeah. Wow! Do you go here? Why?

What are you doing at a party of frat? No. I go to MIT, but I have this family thing, and I grew up in Ann Arbor.

MIT? Wow. So you grew up to be a lot smarter than me.

Yeah, sometimes my neck gets sore.

Why? 'Cause my brain's so big.

I agree, it didn't work. Drop it.

I like you.

What? Why? You don't even know me.

I like you.

I have to go to this stupid thing tomorrow. You wanna come with me?

Yeah, sure. I'll come with you.

What is it? Some stupid thing.

I wanted to leave you with something David said to me almost every day at the lab.

It's Einstein.

"There are only two ways to live your life.

One, as if nothing is a miracle.

The other, as if everything is a miracle."

For David, there was no bigger miracle than his family.

His daughters, Emma and Katie, and his wife, Sandra.


I want you to meet Adam.

I'm so sorry.

And this is my sister, Katie, and her lover, Kevin.

Boyfriend. And my best friend.

Oh, well... thank you. I didn't know you were dating someone, Emma.

Oh, I'm not.

I just had a one-night stand with him when I was 14.

It was a really nice funeral.

I'm sorry.

I'm glad you stayed.

Me too.

So, I'll call you, or something...

Adam, you're wonderful.

If you're lucky, you're never gonna see me again.



Did we? Yes, we did. We went to college together.

You have two gay dads.

Yeah, I'm the man with the two gay dads.

They helped me move my boxes sophomore year.

They're the best. I love them. I'm super straight, though.

So, yeah. OK.

You're Patrice, right? Yes.

Yeah, Eli. I'm with... Adam!

I'll be right back.

Pick up some of that kettle corn.

It's Patrice. Hey!

Patrice! Hey! How are you?

Weird. Wow.

I haven't seen you in... wow.

How are you? Good.



What is this, the Peach Pit?

And, yeah, that was a 90210 reference. Yeah, you're super straight.

What are you doing here? I just moved here a week ago.

I'm doing my residency at the Westwood Teaching Hospital.

Hi. Vanessa, this is Emma.

Emma, Vanessa. Hi. How do you do?

This is our friend, Patrice.

Hi. How do you do? How do I what?

Hi. Hi.

Hi, you look nice.

It's nice to meet you.

You remember my sister, Katie. She's just finishing school here.

Yeah. I haven't seen you guys since...

Yeah, Dad's funeral. Dad's funeral.


OK. Well, we should head out, so...

Yeah, we should, too. You know...

But we should hang out. Let me just... I'll get your number.

Yeah, just give me your phone. I'll put it in there.

Yeah, that's probably easier.

We really have to be somewhere now, so...

Yeah. We should...

Totally. Totally.

All right, well, good to hang out.

Good seeing you guys. Have fun. Yeah.

Take care. Take care, ladies.

And cut!

Great. That's good.

OK! Yeah! Great. Great.

OK, guys, we're gonna do this again. All right? Five minutes.

All right, let's... Good job.

Great job. Great job... Wait. What are, people?

Hey, Benji! Good scene. Cool. Thanks.

You looked great!

Sari. I told you to play hard to get.

I'm incredibly easy to get!


You were gonna ask me something before the break.

What was it? Yeah, I...

Wait, wait, wait. Fuck, fuckety-fuck. What was it? Stop.

You wanted to know if you could get off early to see your dad, which is, yeah, totally fine. Thank you.

By the way, tell your dad, it's like my favorite show ever.

Love it, own it, lost it, bought it again. It's so great.

"Great Scott!"

You probably hear that all the time. Not that much.



Chuck! If I catch you taking pictures of your dick one more time, I'm gonna take that thing away.

Hello. How can I help you?

Hey, Philippe, it's Adam. Hi. Come in.

Hey, Dad. Hey.

Check it out.

Vinyasa yoga and the Army Ranger workout.

I combined them! Wow. That's very impressive.

I'm gonna do a video, I think. Vinyasa Power.

I can almost see where your muscles go.

Very funny. Hit me.

No, I'm not gonna hit you. I don't want to hurt you.

You're not gonna hurt me.

Come on, hit me. Give me your best shot.

Come on, quick, before I get a hernia!


You're right. Let's smoke some weed.

This is really good stuff.

My agent got me one of those medical marijuana cards.

It's nice to see they're supporting your career.

Yeah. So, how's the show going?

I mean, great.

I mean, it's about high-schoolers who sing and dance and blog.

At least you're writing, that's what's important.

No. I'm an assistant.

Well, but... at least they've seen your writing.

Not yet.


I wanted to get your opinion on this episode that I wrote.

Kind of a sample.

That's my boy.

I'll take a look at it, sure. And then I'll call somebody.

No. Do not call anyone. Just read it and tell me what you think.



Are you having sex?

Yes. I'm having sex.

'Cause if you want any pointers, you know...

...I can help you out. If there's one thing you learn after two failed marriages, it's how to eat kitty.

Anyone special? No.

I mean, not since Vanessa.

It's been a year. It's time to move on.

It's been eight months, Dad.

What did you want to talk to me about, anyway?

You got a dog? Seriously, that's... Freckles! Come!

You didn't tell him yet?



Adam, I wanted to tell you. I was just about to tell you.

How long?

Well... How long?

Not long. I...

She needed a place to stay because, you know, her landlord is such a D-bag.

Christmas. I ran into her at a party.

We got to talking. About you, mostly.

It looked so soft!

It's not. God!

Oh, that really hurt. Damn.

You're fucking my ex-girlfriend?

Well, yeah, but...

She's just so hot. I know how hot she is.

That's really sweet. Thanks, guys. Fuck you!

Adam. All right, I'm not the perfect dad.

But the worst thing you can do in life is to say no to love.

And I think she really loves me.



Hey, you know the best part about my gay dads?


They're never gonna eat out my ex-girlfriends.

That's true.

Hey, I heard. You and your dad are tunnel buddies, huh?

Wow, Wallace! She chose your dad over you, man.

That's like trading an iPod for a 8 track.

You need to get even. Go have sex with one of his ex-girlfriends.

Hey, you think when he's busting a nut, he's like, "Great Scott"? No?

Wait. Can we talk about something else? Like, literally, anything else?

Yeah. Of course. Yeah.

Great Scott. OK.

That's it. I'm going for it. Going for what?

I'm gonna call every girl in my phone until someone agrees to have sex with me.

That's strong. Toast to that. Toast.

That is a terrible, self-destructive plan, and we're behind you a hundred percent.

Well, hello to you!

Yeah, I can come to Ohio.

Ohio? No, you can't.

I'll take a cab.

No, it's fine. I'll come to you.

What hospital?

I just really need to be with someone right now.

Hey, I was wondering...

Do you have someplace I could put my boner?

No, it's just... we could just snuggle or something.

What? Well, how old are you?

Oh... OK.

I got it! I got it.

I got it. I got it.

I got it!

You don't remember my name, do you?

It's OK.

It's Shira, and you look like you could use some coffee.

Yes. Coffee's good.

I got...

Where are my pants?

I don't know. They could be anywhere. Here's your coffee.

Thank you.

Did you have a good time last night?

It was all right. Nothing special.

Listen, I want you to know that...

...I respect you.

Thank you.

Normally, I would remember the name of someone that I've...

What? Oh, my God.

Did you think we had sex? Oh, my God, we did not have sex.

Hey, Adam. You left your socks in my room.

Did I? You did.

Did I, by chance, leave my pants in your room?

No. When we met, you weren't wearing pants.

Stop teasing him, you guys.

Patrice. Hey, I know you. Hey.

Yeah. OK.

What happened last night?

Did we do it? We had sex.

Yeah. I really liked it.

I didn't know that my body could handle that much pain.

And that I would like it.

You're up.


You live here? Yep.

You feeling any better?

Did I have sex with anyone in this apartment last night?

No, you didn't.

No. Sorry. You didn't.

Thank you. Yeah, that's... that's funny.

Let's make fun of the hung-over naked guy.

But I do have your pants, so if you want them, come with me.

Yes. Thank you.

You don't have to feel embarrassed, because we're all doctors, so we see literally hundreds of penises a week.

I see thousands.

I just pulled a penis out of a VitaminWater yesterday.

So, we are cool with penises here. OK.

We're professionals.


It has been a pleasure.


Nice. Bravo, bravo.

Yep, I'm definitely gay.

So, how did I get here?

You texted me that it was an emergency, and then I texted you my address, and then you came over.

And I think you thought you were at home, because you started taking off all your clothes.

Oh, God.

Here are your pants. Thank you.


Did I just pass out on your couch? No.

No, then you did this thing. It was... a dance?

Dance? Yeah, like...

I shook my dick at you? Yeah.

Oh, shit. I'm sorry.

No, no, it was... it was exciting.

It was like you were cheering while you were doing it.

You were like, "Look at my dick!"

Did you look at it? Yeah, I looked.

It was nice. You have a really nice penis.

Nice? It seems kind of like carefree.

Yeah? Yeah.

Jesus. I don't know where to start. My dad's...

My dad's dating my ex-girlfriend.

You told me about it last night.

Did I tell you like in a charming way?

Was I like charming and funny when I told you?

Yeah. You were...

...naked and crying.


I'm a mess.


It's gonna be OK.



Thank you.

I should probably get ready now. I don't want to be late.

Yeah, it's... You don't want to be late.

No, that would be bad.


Condom. Get a condom. I know. Condoms.

OK. Condoms.

Got it.

Got it. Hurry.

You need help?

I got it. OK.

Here we go.

Oh, you got your...

Yep. Let me just...

Hey. Yeah.

We're having sex. I know.

Emma, we have to be in the hospital in ten minutes.


You have 45 seconds to pull your shit together, OK?

I'm way ahead of you. Fine.


Found it! Oh, great.

Thank you.

So, we're not gonna tell anyone about this, OK?

Yeah. Of course. It's just easier that way.

Definitely. Good.

Emma, time to go!


All right? Is this?

No. It looks like something happened.

I'm gonna get the bill. I'll pay for it.

Thank you.

Hey. Hey.


I just wanted to follow up that text with a phone call.

Wanted to see if you wanted to hang out again.

I'm starving.

That's weird. You just pulled up in front of the restaurant that I'm eating at.



Hey. I'm Sam. We work together at the hospital.

We have like 15 minutes to get food, so...

She's just using me for my car.

You're a doctor? Not yet. Fingers crossed.

Awesome. That's awesome for you.

Hey, Eli. Hey.

Well, we're kind of in a rush, so it was good seeing you.

Nice to meet you. Nice meeting you.

You look beautiful today.

Nice meeting you.

You piece of shit.

What? "What?" Let me ask you.

Did you have sex with Emma?


Did you have sex with Emma?


I'm not supposed to tell anyone. Yes! Wow!

I called her, but she didn't call me back. She sent me a text.

All right. Well, what'd she text you? "Hi."

Just "Hi"? "Hi."

With nothing else? Just "H-i"?

I don't know. What do I do with that? I don't know.

That's not good.

You just gotta walk away, pal. It's over.

She's not into it. Shit. Seriously?

Good seeing you guys. See you later.

You really think she's just using him for his car?

No, Adam, I don't. I think he wants to fuck her in his Prius.

And the thing about fucking in a Prius is that you don't have to feel guilty afterwards.

'Cause of the carbon footprint. Yeah.

Metzner talked to me the other day. Shut up. What did he say?

He was like, "No, you're doing that wrong." It was amazing.


What are you doing here?

Hi. You didn't call me back, so I thought I'd come here.

It's for you.

"Congrats"? For what? Having sex with you?

Yeah. You did a good job, so... I thought you deserved a balloon.

I'm working. OK.

So, what's up with not calling me back?

I'm not good at this stuff. At what, talking?

Yeah, talking. Communicating. Relationship stuff.

It's just... This is...

If we were in a relationship, I'd become a weird, scary version of myself, and...

My throat starts constricting, the walls start throbbing.

It's like a peanut allergy, like... an emotional peanut allergy.

Well, I can't date you, either. 'Cause you're not my dad's type, so...

Emma, rounds. Hey, Adam.

What's up? Look, I should probably go.

Thank you. We'll be friends, right?

Yeah, friends.

With the height difference?

We stand next to each other, it looks like he's kidnapping me.

What? You always do this.

You always find something wrong with everybody who likes you.

And I date guys who have real problems.

I date guys who steal my credit card, and then they tell me it's my fault because I left it out.

You find these perfect guys, and then you're like, "It'll never work, he's too happy."

What's up, Dr. Metzner?

Did I just say "What's up" to Stephen Metzner?

That was really hard to watch.

Look, I know I'm supposed to want to be in a relationship.

But I'd just end up with a broken heart and a bunch of his old T-shirts.

Just from a purely logical aspect... What are you doing?

I'm texting him. Of course you are.

You know, you shouldn't have gotten her a balloon actually.

Who do you think you are, the old guy from Up?

You told me to get her a balloon.

Well, I didn't think you'd actually do it. It's a terrible idea.

Listen. Hey, nobody knows about this, so don't say anything to anyone. OK? All right, I won't.

It's from Emma. What's it say?

"Where are you?" What are you writing?

"Hi, how are you doing?" And then a winky face.

No, Adam, it's after 10pm.

Come on, the "Where are you?" text is like saying:

"Hey, I want to have sex with you, but I just need to know how drunk you are."


Did you fuck Emma and then bring her a balloon?

What? Did you tell him?

No! Yes!

You can't tell anyone. She just texted him, "Where are you?"

Oh, she wants the dick.

Adam, you want to come back strong here. Go from a position of power.

Something like, "Where am I? Why don't you check your underpants."

Yeah. Don't write that. Yeah!

I would never write that. See, I like to be kind of scary.

Like, "Boo! Here comes my dick."

Did you have sex with some girl and give her a balloon?

Can we not tell everyone?

I apologize.

So, what'd you write back?


Yeah, that could work. Yeah, it's not bad. "Hi" is fine.

There were so many interesting things going on.

Yeah. That flippy thing, what was that?

Sure, I just, I don't know, I had an idea, I just went with it.

That was a really good call. Thank you.

We probably shouldn't snuggle.

Yeah. That just felt wrong.

I should head out.

Already? Yeah.

You want to grab a muffin or something?

I can't. I have to go to work.

OK. You know, I don't want to freak you out, but...

...I'd love to hang out with you in the daytime sometime.

It's not really possible. I have no time.

I work 80 hours a week, doing 36-hour shifts.

What I need is someone who's gonna be in my bed at 2am, who I don't have to lie to or eat breakfast with.

I hate breakfast. And lying.

I also hate war.

Do you want to do this?

Do what?

Use each other for sex, at all hours of the day and night.

Nothing else.

Yeah, I could do that. Good.

It's gonna be fun.

You know this is never gonna work. Why not?

Because clearly you're gonna fall in love with me.

Oh, really? Well, then we just do this until one of us feels something more, and then we stop.

Well, it won't be me. It won't be me.

Good luck with that.

Hey. Hey.

We're sex friends.

Just friends who have sex.

That's not possible.

I'm going to distribute these for an hour or so.

Listen, we should keep this simple.

I mean, maybe we should establish some ground rules.

Ground rules. Good idea.

OK, well, we can start with no fighting.

No lying. Those are good ones.

No jealousy, no staring deeply into each other's eyes.

Don't list me as your emergency contact. I won't come.

Isn't that against your Hippocratic oath?

Yeah. Yeah?

I'd let you die. Oh, yeah?

I'll be back in like... an hour.

Have fun.

I'm just getting some yogurt.

God, I am single as fuck.

Oh, my God.

It looks like it's coming right at me.

Hey, one more thing.

Don't call my penis cute.

Even if it's dressed up like a Care Bear, and it's giving you a Care Stare.

Don't dress up your penis. Ever.

Does your insurance cover invasive procedures?

OK. OK, this is getting a little too realistic.

Trust me.

I can't focus on my porn with all this real sex going on around me!

Yes, I'm ready.

What are you doing?!

I just friended you. Do you think you're gonna confirm or ignore?

Oh, I'm gonna confirm. For sure.

Yeah, look at you. Of course.

Anytime. Need some help?

Oh, beautiful! Beautiful!

...the tomatoes are Australian.

What was that? What?

Are you being jealous? Of that guy? Come on.

Look, even if I did like him, it doesn't change what we're doing.

Ah, so you like him. Adam, I'm not yours.

No, of course not. Why would I think that?

Wow. Prius. Nice.

It's kind of girly, but nice, huh? What do you drive?

Just an old BMW. Five series. Right there.

Oh, yeah, sure. I actually paid for mine.

I didn't take it from my parents.

Yeah, I paid for mine, too.

Oh, yeah?

You're a big guy. Do you work out?

Oh. I row.

Like boats?

I rowed crew at Harvard. Oh, Harvard.

What were you, a cocksman? What do they say?

What do they call it? Coxswain.

No. You know, I get it, right? That you're sleeping with Emma?

I what?

That you and Emma have sex sometimes. I get it.

She's tired, she calls you up, you drive over, and have sex for, I'm guessing, ten minutes.

Think that's gonna last?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Sure you do. And that's fine, for now.

But you should just know that I'm gonna be there right next to her every day, using big words...

...saving people's lives.

Then, when she's done having her fun with you, she's gonna come running to me, because I'm a grownup, and I have a real job.

I can actually take care of her, you know?

I'm the guy she marries, Adam.

You're the guy she fucked a couple of times in the handicapped bathroom.

What's this? These are my feet, Adam.

They're fantastic. No, this.

That's your script.

Your dad told me to give it to you.

Yeah, he read it, and he gave you notes, and...

I'm not saying Alvin and I did mushrooms together, but I'm not prepared to say that we didn't.

I know that you have issues with your dad, and that's cool, but he really likes you and he definitely likes me, and we were just jamming ideas and goofing around and tripping our balls off.

Hey. So... I really feel like it needs to be more ghetto.

You know, like, more crunk? Can you work it out? Thanks.

Hey. Nice moves. Hey.

I know you were trying really hard out there, but it just didn't work.

Hey, would you ever? I...

I wrote an episode.

I used to write in college, so... OK.

I'm gonna have to stop you right there.

Not your job. Yeah.

Hey. I'm, like, actually one of those freaks who reads things, so if you wanted to give it to me, that's cool.

Really? Yeah.

Thank you. Sure.

Megan listens to me. Sometimes.

Victoria! Seriously? Like, I can see you smoking right there.

Put it out! I'm not gonna chase you.

I'm not gonna... I'm not gonna... Victoria! Hey!


Katie, is everything OK? I got your message.

Emma, I have really good news.

OK, it happened yesterday after the picnic, but I wanted to tell you in person.

Oh, my God.

I'm getting married.

I'm getting married!

You're getting married. I'm getting married!

Mom is so excited.

She was like screaming and crying last night.

And she's gonna fly down with Bones and help me shop for the dress.

With who? "Bones"? Who's Bones?

Oh, crap. Katie, who's Bones?

He's Mom's friend.

I wasn't supposed to tell you about it. Crap.

She has a boyfriend? Named Bones?

What is he, a drifter? No.

Why didn't she tell me?

Well, Emma...

You're so good at being alone. Mom and I aren't like that.

What's that supposed to mean? It just is true.

Look, Katie.

You're 22. Do you really think you're ready to quit school?

I love him.

Tea for your 'gina.

Thanks. My sister's getting married.

Yes, we know that. We heard.

Oh, shut up, Emma.

Did you take your Pamprin?

Leave me alone. You leave me alone.

I love it when we're all on the same cycle.

We all get to be passive-aggressive and fight.

You are not even a woman.

Who is that?


Hey, it's Adam.

Are you kidding me?

Go away.

I've got cupcakes.

Hello, everyone.

I told you not to come. It's not safe in here.

Do you think that you have red velvet in there?

I might.

Let's take a look and see what we have here.

Shira, chocolate. Now.

I understand what's going on. You're all on the same cycle.

This is very exciting.

Your uterine walls will be shedding for the next three to five days.

Nice memorization. Did you Google that?

I may have.

Because you're women. And I think that's a beautiful thing.

It's like a crime scene in my pants.

Oh. I also...

...made you this.

To help soothe your womb.

It's a mix.

"Even Flow," "Red Red Wine."

"Sunday Bloody Sunday"?


Did you make me a period mix?

That's so romantic.

Frank Sinatra.

"I've Got The World On A String."

It's a classic.

Keep, keep bleedin' love I keep bleedin'...

Get that shit away from me.

Come on, it's soup. It's good for your uterus.

Just take it, or I'm gonna keep singing.

Keep bleedin', I keep, keep bleedin' love

Oh, shit.

Oh, Adam.



We fell asleep. We were spooning.

We were? Yeah.

And we were spooning with our clothes on, which is like ten times worse.

Oh, shit. Yeah.

Fully clothed spoon. This is bad.

This is my fault. I should not have made you soup.

What are we gonna do? About what?

Maybe we should... Maybe we should stop for a while.

No, we're not stopping.

Yeah, well, I don't know.

Go hook up with someone else.

Are you serious? Yeah, go...

Go to the nearest bar and have sex with a stranger.

You're kidding? No.

This is crazy. You made me a period mix.

Adam, this is an emergency.

So you just want me to go? Yeah.

Just have sex with a random woman? Yeah, go.

Like a sexual woman?


I'll go have sex with someone, too.


No, this is gonna be good for us. Yeah. It's great.

Great. Well done. Well played.


I haven't seen her in two weeks, so...

She said I should hook up with other people.

I mean, what am I supposed to do with that?

Look at my face. No, I get it. I just...

Look at my face. What does my face say?

Yeah, Adam, come on, you're living every man's dreams.

I mean, she wants you to hook up with other girls.

Yes. Look, in ten years from now, you're gonna be having sex with your wife.

And it's gonna be in the missionary position.

And one of you is going to be asleep. Yep.

And you're gonna think back to this moment, and you're gonna call me up, crying.

And I'm gonna laugh in your face, Adam. I'm sorry, but it's what I'm gonna do.

This is a gift right now.

You don't even have to have breakfast with her.

I know. I get that. I just...

Look at my face.

You bringing Adam to the Christmas party tonight?

No. Things were getting too intense, so we decided not to see each other until we hook up with other people.

OK. Yes. Good. We are getting laid tonight, right?

This is gonna be like Sideways, except that you're Paul Giamatti, and I'm the guy that gets laid. I can't get laid?

No. Tonight is about me, Emma. All right? I'm feeling hot.

I'm feeling good. I am wearing bikini bottoms because my other underwear is dirty.

All right, we're hot. You feel hot?

No one threw up on me today.

We're sluts, Emma! We're dirty, dirty, sluts!

OK. Remember, we're sluts!

Good evening, sir.

No, I got that! I got that, pal. That's gonna be me.

Did you just open the car door for me? Yes, I did.

No one's ever done that for me before. Do it again.

All right.

How's that? It's amazing.

Can I have your arm?

So, when I have to tell someone that someone they loved died, it's hard, you know? Sometimes I laugh.

Because it's kind of weird.

Very nice.

Oh, don't even think about it. I'm gonna go talk to him.

Emma, no.

I'm gonna do this.

Emma, think about your career. Do not do this.

Dr. Metzner. Yes?

Hi. I'm Emma Kurtzman.

I've been ho, ho, hoping that I'd get the chance to talk to you.

Does anyone here need a drink? Patrón!

How are you guys doing?

Joy, come join us. Hey, Joy.

What's up? I have to work.

Come on, just sit down for a second. Sit down.

OK. Come on. Here. You take that one.

We're just hanging. Thank you.

Screw the customers.

She is so good at impressions.

Do an impression, then. Yes, do an impression.

All right, guess who this is.


Dad! Oh, my God, that's so cute.

I don't know. Come on.

Where are you? I don't know.

Where are you, Dad? It's Nemo.

Yes! Yeah.

Nemo. Amazing.

I don't know why I didn't get that. How did you know that?

'Cause I've seen it a thousand times. That's how.

Drew Barrymore. I don't know if I'm drunk enough.

Come on. You can't do Drew Barrymore.

Oh, but she can.

Happy holidays. I was in The Wedding Singer.

That's it. That's all I have.

That was kind of an amazing Drew Barrymore.

You kind of even looked like her when you did it.

Oh, my God, Joy. I love you so much.

You do?



...I love you.

Wait. I'm seriously in love with you.

Wait. Why didn't you tell me sooner?

I didn't have the courage. Oh, my God. This is amazing.

God, you look so beautiful. And your eyes are so pretty.

Have you got? Let's do this.

Wallace, could you take a picture of this?

Yeah, Wallace, I got a camera right here, if you just wanna...

No problem at all. Just get a little closer, ladies.

All right. Everybody smile.

Happy ho-lidays!

Hey, hey!

Merry Christmas. Happy holidays.

Can I get you a dri?

You want to get out of here?

Yes. Yeah.

I'll get my stuff.

Listen, don't fuck one of those girls.

They're not... they're not nice. They're not nice girls.

What? Emma?

Is that you?


Yeah, hi. What are you doing? Where are you?

I'm just studying for the doctor test.

You're coming tomorrow, right?

Hold on.

Hey, Adam.

I am following your instructions diligently.

Put that away! Who are you talking to?

Are you there? You're not there, are you?

Taxi! Taxi!

Take me to Adam's house.

OK, ma'am, where's that? Where Adam lives.

All right... Just go. Go.

OK, I'm going.

Got a cocktail for the ladies.

That's my Christopher Walken.

Yeah. I'll just set these over here and...

...then we can all sort of involve ourselves in...

OK, let's...

Well, you guys are doing a really good job.

I'll just be over here if you need me.


Adam Franklin!

Adam! Franklin!


Just keep up the good work, ladies.

What are? What are you?


Are you?

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

What's going on?

This is Joy. I'm Joy. Hi.

Good for you. Adam?

And this is Lisa.

You are such an overachiever.

Thank you.

No, we don't need her. Make her leave.

No. You leave.

Are you trying to get rid of us?

You look like a pumpkin, bitch!

This is amazing. Oh, you make... Hey!

OK. I got this.

I got this. You just... calm down.

But we don't look anything like pumpkins.

I know. She probably forgot to take her meds.

You know, for your own safety, you'd better get your stuff and go.


Watch out, though. She could be anywhere.

She's quick. Like a puma.

You're so mean!

Ring, ring! It's the pumpkin patch! They want their pumpkins back!

We're not pumpkins! We're ladies!

But you're so orange.

Hey, someone call Charlie Brown!

We found the Great Pumpkin!

Ow! Don't! Don't!

You're crazy.

I felt like Flavor Flav.

I can't believe you chose those girls. Are you jealous?

Don't do that. Don't just disappear like that on me.

You told me to. You shouldn't listen to me.

Fine, I won't.

Did you smell my hair? No.

What did you want to talk to me about? Wait. Just hang out here.

Right here?

Oh, man.


Happy birthday!

As the days of the year roll by There's one that brings a tear to a daddy's eye

'Cause I'm so happy To be your pappy Today and I'll tell you why

It's your birthday Baby boy It's your birthday Birthday Birthday boy Happy birthday, happy birthday Hap... py!

Happy birthday, happy birthday Birth... day!

Happy birthday To you Everybody!

Happy birthday To you!

Blow it out! Blow it out! Oh, Adam, happy birthday.

We're so proud of you. Make a wish.

Guys, you get a five-minute warning.

OK? No, he's ten-one.

I already texted him.

So, all is forgiven? No. Nothing is forgiven.

Adam, don't you think it's been weird for me, too?

Knowing that... my own son had sex with my girlfriend?

But I got over it. You should, too.

Excuse me! Can I have your autograph, please?

Mine, too, please. Certainly.

Listen, let me take you to a nice birthday dinner tonight.

You, me and Vanessa. We have something we want to talk to you about.

Something? Yeah.

Like what? Just something important, OK?

Please don't do this. 8:30, STK.

All right? Be there. Bring anyone you want, all right?

Bye, everyone. Thank you. Oh, thank you so much for coming.

It's been an honor.

Great Scott! Bravo! Bravo!

What the fuck?

What happened? Oh, my.

Are you OK? Are you OK? What happened?

Give me that! That's my phone!

Fuck you, Chuck! You're very talented, but fuck you!

Can we get a medic, please?

Try to use it as little as possible.

No sports or working out for a while. Dr. Metzner?

Adam, what's going on? What happened?

He sprained his wrist punching a wall.

You texted me that you were dying.

It really hurt.

I gave him some hydrocodone for the night. It's a very strong painkiller.

You might want to have Dr. Kurtzman here drive you home.

And here is a prescription for an anti-inflammatory.

Don't worry. You're in good hands.

Your girlfriend here is a very talented doctor.

No. No, I'm... I'm not his girlfriend.

She is not my girlfriend.

Oh, sorry. I saw that he listed you as an emergency contact.

My mistake. Feel better.

Oh, by the way, I enjoyed your dad's TV show.

Great Scott. That's funny stuff.

I'll tell him you said that.

My dad invited me to dinner, and he's bringing Vanessa.

You have to come. No, I don't.

I just worked 14 hours. I'm not gonna meet your parents.

You know what? Just help me.

These are really powerful painkillers. I can't feel anything.

Feel that?

Yeah. I felt that.

Happy birthday, Adam.

I'm so glad you guys could join us for dinner.

Cheers. I'll come right back to take your order.

So, how you doing there, kiddo?

Perfect, Dad. Thank you for asking.

How long have you two been together?

Oh, we're not.

We're sex friends. Yeah. Yes, we are.

Yeah, friends with benefits? Fuck buddies?

Great Scott!

I know this might be hard, but just because I'm your ex-girlfriend doesn't mean that you can't look at me as a kind of... mum?

Oh, boy. Especially because, well, Alvin and I have been talking about creating new life together.

You see, we were at Burning Man.

And we were dressed up. Yeah. I was dressed as a fire bird.

And what were you dressed as?

I was naked. And we were just out there in the desert, and he was burying my bare body in the sand.

Yeah. Pecking at it with my... fire beak.

And then I just thought, you know, what if all these grains of sand, were actually babies?

And so we... We had this wonderful idea.

And we... well, we'd like your blessing, Adam.

How do you feel about the two of us having a baby together?


This isn't really my place. I mean, who am I?

I just have sex with your son sometimes.

But... Yes, she does.

But... there is really no reason for you to bring a child into this world, since you're acting like children already.

That was really mean. Yeah.

I'm mean. But you're fucking crazy.

'Cause given the choice between Adam and his dad, given the choice between Adam and anyone, really, I'd choose Adam, every time.

Do you want to get out of here? Yep.

Fuck this.

Oh, by the way...'s the best sex of my life.

Great Scott!

I have to say, this is probably the best birthday dinner ever.

I wanted to make it special.

Yeah? Where's the cake?

That comes later, baby.

Hey. What?

Thank you for what you did back at the restaurant.

Go on a date with me.

You're heavily sedated.

Come on, it's... it's one date. Just do it.

Why? So I can wear makeup and act perfect all night?


I'll pick you up, and we can talk about our favorite books and our favorite TV shows.

I'll pay for everything, and you can reward me with an over-the-jeans cock rub.

Like a real date.

Is that really what you want? This Friday.

This Friday is Valentine's Day.

Yeah. No.

Go big or go home. There'll be hearts, and maybe some flowers.

One date.


What? I'll go on a date with you.

I thought that's what you said. But no flowers, OK?

You look amazing.

Thank you.

You said no flowers. That's pretty cute.

Yeah, I'm pretty good at this.

Thank you.

I've had a really tough day, so, I just won't...

I promise. It's about to get better.

I made you a Valentine's Day card. What?

It's perfect.

Can you read it for me? Is that weird?

"You give me premature ventricular contractions."

I'm assuming that's a good thing? You make my heart skip a beat.

Don't make fun of me. Wow.

So, you ready for tonight? Yeah.

I'm glad to see you.

Are you excited? Yeah.

Louder! Yeah!

Yeah! So excited!

Here's our itinerary. You made me an itinerary?

Yeah, we got a lot to do. We got to make up for lost time.

Google Maps. Nice.

OK, full disclosure:

I have played before, and I might be kind of good.

This is pretty. It is pretty.

But this... it's just gonna be fun. OK.

Ladies first.

OK. Don't expect too much.

Nice and easy.

Yeah. I stuck it in. Wow.

Well, this hole's a little bit more complicated.

You're gonna have to bank it off there. It's all about the geometry.

I'm a doctor.

That hole is my bitch!

Yes! Yes!


Thank you.

I don't get my own milkshake?

No, it's one milkshake, two straws. That's what makes it special.

But I'm so hungry.

We have dinner later. Didn't you read the itinerary?

You're gonna get more shake, you have a bigger mouth.

You have a pretty big mouth. Oh, easy.

Hey! That's cheating.



I really like you.

I actually think that...

...I'm falling...

You can have the rest.

How do they change these lightbulbs?

Must be a nightmare.

Adam? Oh, here. You want your coat?

I can take that. You cold?

I can't do this. Could you please take me back to work?

No. No, that's not the deal.

The deal is that we're gonna walk around, and we're gonna look at the twinkly lights, and then...

Why are you messing everything up?

That's what people do, Emma.

They buy each other flowers, and they go to museums...

You know me. This stuff freaks me out.

It's fake.

What's wrong with what we're doing? It's working. We don't have to fight...

Maybe I want to fight. Yeah, well, I don't.

What are you gonna do? You're never gonna feel anything?

How you gonna do that?

I don't know. I'll figure it out.

You're so messed up. Yeah?

I don't need you to take care of me. I take care of myself.

That's what I do.

Why don't you go find some other girl who's not gonna hurt you?

Because I love you.

It's obvious. I completely love you. There.

Oh, yeah. You're such a wimp.

I am not a wimp. Well, then be with me!

OK, you're gonna fight me. Yeah? Is that what you're gonna?

You can't fight me, you're miniature. You're like a girl Rick Moranis.

You fight like a hamster.

Hey. Hey!

Excuse me! Excuse me! You can't do that here.

OK. I'm sorry.

All right, you're out!

I can't keep doing this.

I'm not gonna see you again.

I know.

That makes sense.


Hey, you OK? Yeah. I'm fine, thanks.

You wanna go get a coffee? No, thanks.

You're a really good cook.

Oh, this? I just threw it together.

Oh, shit.

Oh, hey, Adam!

Adam. Hello!


Yeah, we were just having a romantic night when your friend stopped by from work.

Usually I spend Valentine's Day catching up on work and stuff, but this is like, this is really fun.

How was your night?

Yeah, it wasn't.

Do you want to go to my room?

Yes, I do. Perfect.

Sorry, gotta go. So sorry.

Oh, you know what? I need a napkin. Can I just borrow this one?

Sorry. Just... quick. Thank you. Beautiful.

So, I'm really excited to talk to you.

I hope it's OK that I got your address from the W-4.

Is that weird? OK. No.

Oh, wow. This is cool. This is a cool space.

Thanks. Cozy.

I didn't know that... I'm sorry about everything.

What? Oh, my God. You're sorry? Are you crazy?

No, I'm sorry. I'm the one who's come to your house uninvited.

So unprofessional. But I read your script.

And I love it. I really do. Really?

Yeah, and honestly, like, I didn't think that you could write, mainly 'cause you're just... so beautiful.

Seriously, it's distracting for me. Thank you. For reading it.


I mean, it's just teenagers singing about homework.

Yeah, yeah, but no, I read it and I was like, "God, I want to, like, drive over there and tell him in person."

So I did. I got in my car, and here I am.

You know, it's just... I know, it sounds crazy, 'cause now that I'm saying it out loud, it does sound crazy.

It's not crazy. I mean, thank you for reading it.

No, no, no. I e-mailed it to Megan, and...

No shit? Yeah.

And we'll see what she says. Wow.

Yeah, I told her she'd be crazy to not like it.

But then again, she is a functioning psychotic, so it's like, who knows?

But there is this extra episode right before the break.

And they are gonna hire a freelancer, so...

I feel like I'm talking too much about this, but...

Hey, do you wanna? What?

Yeah, sorry. What were you gonna?

Just to hang out.

Oh. That's crazy. I was like, "What's he gonna say?"

And then you said that. It's not what I thought you were gonna say.

That is a chair.

Fuck, yeah.

Do I curse too much?

Fuck, no.

Dr. Anseed, three-two-five-one. Dr. Anseed...

Hey. ...three-two-five-one.

Can I say something?

And don't take this the wrong way, because you know I'll be your friend, no matter what.

It's just, you've been kind of depressing to be around lately, and I might start avoiding you in the hallway, that's all.

Just thought you should know.

So, we won't be there for the rehearsal dinner, but we'll definitely be there for the wedding on Saturday.

Well, what are you doing tonight?

Adam's episode is taping tonight, so Eli wanted to go.

I don't have to go. No. No, go. Have fun, really.



Don't worry about it. I'll see you Saturday.

He's an amazing lover. Oh, boy.


...why they call him Bones.

You know, I worry about you sometimes.

Why? Is this about me not having a date?

No, no. I know you can dance alone, and I know that you'll be fine.

You're always fine.

So? I don't know.

When we lost your father, I couldn't stand to see you in pain, and... I think you knew that.

And I think that... you got good at being strong for me.

But I'm telling you, be hurt.

I can take it.

The world can take it.


Very pretty here.

So come by the bar. Great place.

Bring your friends. I will take care of you.

Here's my business card. I'm the owner. Me.

So make sure you come by. Yeah.

All right? Hey. Great job.

Yeah, great job, man. Really good, yeah.

You guys liked it? Like really? Yeah.

But Wallace cried. So?

It reminded me of my senior prom.

I got a hand job on the dance floor to "Who Let The Dogs Out."

Hey. Sorry. OK, so there's good news, bad news.

The bad news is, Megan is remarkably drunk.

Seriously, she was, like, trying to take her shirt off.

But the good news is, she wants to put you on staff.

Really? So... Yeah.

That's amazing. Yeah, so she... Yeah.

Thank you. So, you're a paid writer.


Oh, my God. She's getting on the buffet table? That makes...


Why are you not trying to fuck that girl?


Yeah, she's crazy hot, Adam. She's like a sexy scientist.

You need to go over there, man up, you need to go for it.

We're counting on you here, man. Man up, man!

Go for it! Man up! You keep saying "Man up."

You cried during the show. I liked the show.


It was very good. It was OK.

You know, I have to... One minute.


The bridesmaids had pot.

Oh, my God, I'm so hungry.

Are you OK?

I'm fine, I just... You know, I just...

Oh, God, I just love Kevin.

I just love Kevin so much, you know?

I know you think it's stupid. No. No, I don't.

You don't? No.

I can't stop thinking about him.

Who? Adam?

Yeah. I know it's over, and I'm looking.

It's just no one is as...

Tall? He's so tall.

So tall... And he's so, like...

Happy? Annoyingly happy, all the time.

But he has this...

He has the best heart.

Call him. What? No.

I can't just call him.

I'm too stoned. Don't argue with me.

He doesn't want me to call him.

I'm the bride. You have to do what I say.

We haven't talked in months. I'm the bride, it's my day.

It's my day!

Hey, Adam!

Oh, God.

You're so dope. Did you know that about yourself?

Mama needs to get a cab home, so...

Yeah. Shoot, I left my phone in my office...

I got it, I got it. Hang on. Here.

Do you want to call and just? Yeah.

What are you doing?

Chuck! Chuck! Will you please fuck off? Please?

I don't want to go. Yeah, all right.

I don't want to go home.

I don't want to go home. Who is it?

"Do Not Call Her" is calling. Do you want to take it?

I want your face.



It's Emma. Kurtzman.

From Camp Weehawken.

Yes... What is it?

So, my sister is getting married in Santa Barbara tomorrow, and...

I don't know. I heard your show is tonight. Congratulations.

Thank you.

I know this is random. I just...

I miss you. I miss you so much.


I don't know what to say.

You're... You're calling me because you're at your sister's wedding, and she looks happy, and...

...everyone is happy, and you're not.

I thought... I don't know what I thought. I just...

I... I guess I wanted to hear your voice.

I mean, I know we broke up, but... Emma.

We didn't break up. We never started.

I gotta go. I'm still at work, so...

Have fun at the wedding, and tell your sister congratulations.


Oh, fuck.

I have to...

Go. Now.

Hey. Can I? Hey. Of course.

Is everything OK? Are you?


Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Good.

This is amazing. Yeah.

Thank you for this. This...

What? This was all you.

What? No, I mean... No, I'm not here without you.

That's... That's not true. It's all you.

It's all you. This was all you.

Hey, wait! If you don't make it back for my wedding, I'll kill you.

Bye. Drive safe.

No, but that was you, and it felt poignant that, of course, the song was "It Was You."

When Benji and Sari did the kiss... They committed to it.

That's what hit. Do you think they could remix the song?

How drunk was Megan? She tried to hump my leg.

You have no idea, the stories that I could tell you.

No, she really tried to like mount it. Yeah, I know.

Yeah, I got it.

Ornery thing.

Hey. How'd it go? Did you find him?

Yeah. He was with... with a girl. It was his girlfriend.

And I was in a bush.

Oh. Yeah.


Are you still there? Yeah.

OK, get in your car and drive away.

And how much money do you have on you?

Like ten bucks.

OK. The box of 50 doughnut holes is $5.79.

You're gonna need two boxes.

I lost him.

I'm so sorry. Yeah.

I love you. I know.

So, then when I was, like, 11, I was in therapy because I was, like, obsessively biting my hair, and then three months in, my therapist died.

I know, so that was kind of a bummer. Whoa.

But, yeah. That's why I hate planes.


So, that's that story. Cheers.

Thank you.

I'm so sorry. No...

That was such a fail on my part. It's OK...

Wait, let me... It's fine.

We can... I can do better than that.

Can we try again? Sure. Mulligan.

Let's... Why don't we? OK.

All right.

Oh, my God. This is happening. Is this really happening?

Oh, my God. You're touching me. This is so happening.

Maybe we don't need to talk about everything.

Oh. OK, great. OK. Cool.

Wait. Are you sure that you want to do this, though?

Yes. Yeah.

OK, 'cause, like, we can just talk about it, if you want...

Let's not talk about it. Oh, OK. OK.

Wait. Should I take my shirt off, or do you want to...

Do you want to take it off yourself?

I'll take it off. You know what? I'll take it off.


Glad I wore a good bra.

Is that your phone? Do you wanna?

We'll just ignore it.

You can just get it.

No, it's fine.

Is it "Do Not Call Her"? No.

I don't know.

Wait. I'll just...

OK. I'll just shut it off.

Yeah, just... That'll be easier, switch...

Sorry. Yeah.


I'm coming. You're what?

It's my dad. There's an emergency. He's in the hospital.

Oh, my God. OK. Do you want me to go with you?

No, I'm OK. OK.

Can I call you later? Yeah. No, I'll get a cab.

I'll, like, find my way home. Go. Yeah.

Keep, keep bleedin' love Keep bleedin' I keep, keep bleedin'

Hey. Where is he? What happened?


Don't freak out, OK?

Your dad overdosed on cough syrup.

He what? The Purple Drank.

"The Purple Drank"?

It's Seven-Up, cough syrup and a Jolly Rancher.

Why would he do that, Vanessa?

Because he loves Lil Wayne, OK?

You don't know everything about your dad.

Why are you making him listen to Lil Wayne?

You should be taking care of him. I can't do this. I can't do it.

You know, I didn't think that it was gonna be so...

I don't want to have kids. I... I just... I want to have fun.

He's so old. Yeah. He's getting older.

And you're gonna have to deal with that.

Adam... old people scare me.

Let's just go see him, OK?

No, no, no. I can't. I can't. Adam, I can't. I've gotta go.

My friend, she's having a party. I'm already so late.

Will you just take Freckles?

Don't take this the wrong way, but you're a terrible person.

Just take Freckles.

Hey, Dad.

Hey, kiddo.

I had a bad trip on The Drank. Yeah, I heard.

If anybody asks, this is a Seeing Eye dog.

Where's? She went home.


I really don't like the Little Wayne. Can't understand what he's saying.

You know who I wish was here right now?

Your mom.

Yeah. Well, you left her, so...


When you're married and you do blow...

...try to stay away from women who want to fuck you.

Even ugly women.

Blow is blind, Adam. Blow is blind.

You're an asshole.

But you're not.

You got a good heart, Adam. Try to keep it.

Where's that girl, Emma? You guys still together?

We were never together. Oh, that's right. Friends...

Sex friends... I'm old. I don't know what you call it.

You liked her.

She drives me crazy.

I'm 58 years old. I've been married three times.



I've got six pictures of my cock on my phone, and two of someone else's, and I'm still pretty high on the cough syrup, so you can take this with a grain of salt, but...

...we don't pick who we fall in love with.

And it never happens like it should.


I may have to kill this dog. I just haven't decided how.

Get some sleep, Dad.

I'll call you in the morning.

He'll call in the morning.

Isn't that something?

Am I boring you?

Oh, good.


Hey. You can't call me and tell me that you miss me.

I don't want to have that conversation on the phone.

So you can't text me and you can't e-mail me, and you can't... write on my wall.

Like, if you really miss me, you need to grow up and get in your car and come and see me.

I'm here.

How did... How did you know that?

Shira texted me about your dad, so I came here.

You got...

How is your dad?

He's OK. Good.

I know I can't just call you. No. You can't.

I know. I hurt you. I'm sorry.

I don't know why I wasted so much time pretending I didn't care.

I guess I just didn't want to feel like this.

It hurts.

But I love you. I'm totally and completely in love with you, and I don't care if you think it's too late, I'm telling you anyway.

Will you please say something? Wait.

You should know...

...if you come any closer, I'm not letting you go.

I love you. That's good.

You want to go with me to this stupid thing?

Your sister's wedding thing?

How long do we have till we have to be there?

A couple hours.

What do you want to do? Something crazy.

Now I know why you never wanted to have breakfast with me.


You eat like a baby dinosaur. You don't even chew.

Do you think you can get used to it?

Yeah, I think so.

Good. I was hoping we could do this a lot more.

Really? You know, I was thinking...

We're gonna have to come up with some new rules.

I'd like to start calling you "honey" and "babe."

I don't know about "babe." No?

Snuggling? Oh, yeah.

I'm gonna hold your hand. Wow. This is all moving so fast.

Also, I'd like to leave the door open when I pee.

I think no.

I think I'm gonna do it all the time. It's gonna get weird.

Thank God we're on time. Yeah.

So what happens now?

Adam should be here any minute. Good, 'cause I'm starving.

So, you've told him about us.

No, not yet. What?

I thought I'd wait till he got here.

And that's a good idea? Yeah, it'll be fine.

So, to Burning Man?

Was that fun, or what? So fun.



This is her! This is Patrice!

Hi, it's so nice to see you again.

We love you already! Come on, family hug!

Shira, I feel like there are parts of me that I haven't explored yet.

And I'm feeling like I want to see other people.

Oh, I thought... This is embarrassing.

I have been seeing other people, Sam.

You have? Yeah, a lot of other people.

How many?

I don't know, man. I mean, two that I can think of off the top of my head, but...

You remember when I went to Cabo? Yeah.

I was a very bad girl on that trip. You're kidding me?

You're doing great.

Keep pushing.

Oh, God.

I've got the ice chips, honey. Here you go.

Oh, I hate you, you dumb fuck! Get the fuck out...

You eat the fucking ice chips! I love you so much.

Come on. It's OK.