Nothing But Trouble (1991) Script

* oh, the good life *

* full of fun *

* seems to be the ideal *

* yes, the good life *

* lets you hide all the sadness you feel * mm-hmm.

* you won't really fall in love *

* for you can't take the chance *

* so be honest with yourself *

* don't try to fake romance * no.

* it's the good life *

* to be free and explore the unknown *

* yes, and the heartaches *

* when you learn you must face them alone * uh-huh.

* please remember i still want you *

* and in case you wonder why *

* well, just wake up, baby *

* and kiss the good life good-bye * that's all you got to do.


come all the way up. all the way. thank you.

* please remember *

* i still love you *

20 minutes. hello, good-bye. ok.

* and in case you wonder why *

* well, wake up, baby *

* and kiss the good life good-bye * evening, mr. thorne. evening, mike.

110 blocks in under 15 minutes. not bad for a one-eyed russian immigrant. somebody throwing a party? you are, sir. oh, yeah? am i having a good time? well, manhattan fine wines just delivered 6 cases of salon les mesnil. that's pretty pricey stuff. what did i pay for it? what do you care? you got more money than you can even look at. oh, i'd like to thank you for that little tip on the market you gave me. the wife says the stock's gone up 5 points. good, mike. want some more advice? sure. sell it. here, read my newsletter. have fun. fun is actually knowing who half your guests are.

* hey, hey *

* woman, kiss the good life good-bye * good evening.

chris, look! it's us! good evening, chris. hi, chris. i save it for you. that's what she says to all the guys. i'll get the next one. go ahead. cigar. chris, we'll see you in the apartment.

oop! oh, i'm sorry, sir. hey, little fella. what's your name? get down! come on, girls. get over here. i'm sorry. you oughta get cats. they're a lower-maintenance pet. ah, here we go. come on, let's go. come on, girls. chris! chris!

i hate crowds. you new in the building?

you all right? y-yes. take this.

i-i'm sorry. it's ok. i never do this. listen, some people are throwing a party up at my apartment. why don't you come up for a drink? it will help you relax.

what's the matter? oh... that son of a bitch! i don't believe this. that bastard! i can't believe this!

i'll be in the penthouse if you change your mind. thanks for the espresso maker... and the bag of shit.

howard suntz's office. miriam, this is diane. let me talk to howard. i'm sorry, ms. lightson. he left explicit instructions not to be disturbed. what's going on with this landfill deal? i'm only his goddamn lawyer. why didn't i know about it? he said he's doing the deal. your services won't be needed, professionally or personally. this is not about our personal relationship. this is business. do you understand? it's about my professional credentials, my--my law firm's time. why am i talking to you? you know what? you tell howard i'm coming down there.

excuse me. oh! hi. hi. glad you could make it. thanks. diane lightson i'm from the firm of masur and glennet. chris thorne. i'm sorry about the cold hands. don't worry about it. the law firm masur, glennet, weese, weiss, worple, whip me? yeah, that's the one. what's your specialty? investment syndication and public flotation. it's got to be painful. would you like a drink? i'd love one. scotch? great. are you ok? yeah, fine. are you going to the suntz thing? are you kidding? not unless somebody holds a gun to my head. he's a fraud. he's a ripoff artist. it's all about buying lakes and filling them with garbage. i don't know what set you off in the elevator, but if i were you, i'd stay away from this suntz guy. let's just say i have a personal interest in this particular deal, so if you're not going, can i borrow your car? whoa, whoa. i'm a good driver. i didn't say i'm not going. i just said i'm not planning on going. i have a low opinion of the guy, but if it's that important to you, maybe you know something i don't. maybe i should reconsider. i really like to drive. i'll drive. i'm happy to drive. no, no. it's my car. i'll do the driving, ok? ok, great. you drive. who's going for a drive? are you, chris? no, not tonight. when? where? we love to drive. are you going to your house in the hamptons? that's fantastic. when are we leaving? very, very early, much too early for you. how about noon in the parking garage? noon is better. we love it! fantastic! great. i'm sorry about that. that's fausto and renalda squirinizsu. i give them investment counseling sometimes. they're brazillionaires. they have breakfast around 2:00 in the afternoon. we'll never see them again. good. so i'll see you in the garage at noon. don't be late. i won't be late. good.


ohhh.

ugh.

morning, mr. thorne. morning, mike. fun night, huh? oh, god, i can't do this. listen, do me a favor, will you? you know diane lightson? she just moved in. yes, sir. 23-b? yeah. she'll be down in a couple minutes. tell her i'm too tired, i'm sick, i can't drive her. give her the car with my compliments. certainly. i got to get some sleep.

give me the keys, mike.

wow! what a beautiful beemer. good morning. this is a vintage what, 733i?

3.3 liter? that's right. had it 2 years, never been out of manhattan. really? well, maybe i should drive. i'll drive. let me get that for you. thank you.

wow... this is really cherry. mm-hmm. make yourself comfy. thank you, mike. hope you feel better, sir. i feel great. feel fine.

what the fuck... i don't believe this. i should have known a brazillionaire never forgets. they're not coming with us, are they? look at them. i can't say no. chris! chris, dude! you did not think we'd be up so early. had no idea. hi, chris.

chris, where are we going? we're going to atlantic city. get in the trunk.

good. we can see the taj mahal. i love it. they call it the ninth wonder of the world. we have the fifth in south america, in rio-- the christ of corcovado. hi, i'm renalda.

this is my brother fausto. encantado. chris, put this tape on. let's chanka.


this is nice.

so, how long have you been divorced?

4 years. you still love her? nah. been over it for... weeks.

chris, this road is such a dull place. we have a nice little surprise picnic for you. clean food. let's take the car into the countryside for a while. countryside? this is the jerseyvania triangle. whole damn place is a mess of burnt-out factories, junkyards, and coal fields. believe me, i know. my grandfather was in coal commodities. so let's go and see them. no, i don't want to get lost. you won't get lost. look at all that fancy equipment you've got. take that next road. let's see if you can use all that shit. i think we should just keep going. i don't understand what's the big deal. we made a nice little surprise picnic for you, you invited us on a drive, and you aren't driving us where we want. dude, you could be a better host. ok, listen. how about this? if it won't take too long, road 329, parallel to the pike. it crosses the delaware and then it crosses back here. there should be beautiful river scenery, and it won't take us too far out of our way, ok? it's your dime, lady. oh, this is wonderful.

fausto: i have 2 big mangoes! do you like mangoes? renalda: oh, yes! he has mangoes, cheese. oh, this is going to be wonderful! fausto, i don't want to stop here. keep going. pull over to a vista.

renalda: oh, look! a village.

morning. sell pork bellies, buy gold.

oh, jesus! oh, chris, look out!

what is that, a vent pipe? fausto: what do you want to do, get out and kiss it? renalda: it smells. it stinks. go, go. nice town, huh?

evel knievel and mr. clean.


renalda: oh, this is better. pull over. i like it here. i'm hungry. let's eat right now. let's open the whole thing up now. i don't see butter. what do you mean? i didn't forget the butter. antonio the butler forgot the butter, not me. chris, do you want a drink? no. diana, smile! this is a nice road. oh, yeah. chris, chris, smile. i got you in the mirror. smile! oh, no. a cop. were you speeding?

65. that's the national speed limit. well, not everywhere. it said 50 back there.

50? why didn't you tell me? you don't have to stop. what? right. let's get out the guns and blow out his front tires. are you crazy? of course i'm going to stop. what are you talking about, dude? this is a provincial cop, man. with this car, you could easily get away from him. let's see if we could do 90. are you kidding? this baby will do 130. so let's do it! good. go, chris. thorne, for christ's sake, go. go, man. you wimp chicken, let's go! hit it! push it! this is a little goddamn hamlet. chris, go! here we go.

push it! i don't know about this. i don't know.

go, chris. come on, chris, go. don't be scared. push it! we're winning! you have a bmw. act like it.

faster! now i think you may be breaking the law. forget the law! oh, but it is smooth, isn't it?

jeez. he's got a fast car, too. oh, sh... chris, chris, move it. for christ's sakes, move it, chris. uh, maybe we better stop. no. no, i think i can lose him. cop: pull your vehicle over now, please. pull over now.

what the hell is that?

detour! chris, watch out! here we go!

whoa!

he still with us? uh-oh.

where the hell are we? go to the left!

oh, shit! be careful on this side! i'll do the driving, all right? just get over!

just get to the right! blah blah gabby gab gab. will you be quiet, fausto? just let me drive.

sir, this is a heavily traveled industrial artery. these trucks own this road. oh, man. i just want to get to atlantic city. sir... these speeds are not advisable through here.

tienes dolares?

oh, no!

everybody relax. all they can do is cite me and hand me a bunch of tickets. i'll pay them, and we'll be on our way back to the turnpike. oh, i see. it's all my fault now.

folks, meet andy griffith.

good afternoon. driver, step outside the car, please.

was i speeding? i'm sorry. i wasn't sure you were a real cop, and please, i mean that in a complimentary sense. that's ok. there's no law against having a sense of humor. now turn around, put your hands on the roof of the car, please, sir. there you go, sir. spread 'em. oh, come on, now. "spread 'em"? ow! yeah, that's nice. the lower back, please. check the prostate. that's nice. oh! all right, thank you. i got an itch right up in there. that's good. thank you. not today, sir. turn around. may i see your license, registration, and insurance, please? what's the charge? you were speeding, but that's not why i began to follow you. back there in the village, you failed to make a full stop at the intersection. oh, really? oh, i didn't even notice. well, that's the initial reason why i followed you and why you're under arrest now. the speeding and reckless evasion will be overlooked if you cooperate now and quietly get in your car and follow me. clear? sir, wait a minute. this may be... valkenvania, but it is still america, and we have an appointment in atlantic city, so we'd just like to get going. will you just write a ticket here, or we could settle it some other way, perhaps? step back, please. i understand, sir, but that's not the way things work around here. you're gonna have to follow me a ways to the reeve, then it's up to him how we proceed. reeve? the local justice of the peace. now, i'm planning not to mention the speeding to him, so i suggest you come quietly and immediately, unless you want more trouble than you're already gargling.


what's that beeping? it means we're off the map on this cartridge. what time does suntz start the hype?

6:00. it's 3:30 now. we can still make it if you just let me do the talking.

look at this metal sculpture. they must be into folk art. folk 'em.

what is that, music? they're piping in music.

"enjoy your stay." what is this place? my god. so that's where they buried flipper. renalda and fausto: flipper's dead?

"village j.p."

"shire reeve." it's like robin hood-- "be polite." hmm. oh... and no cussing. shit. wow. look at all these toasters. fausto: there is a negativity about this place.

"valkenheiser salvage. trespassers will be shot."

oh, come on.

fausto: there's a funky karma here, man. diane: is this a joke? renalda: iy, iy, iy, i hope so, because i don't think i like it here at all. christ: where the hell are we? listen, do we have to get out here?

"valkenvania courts and schools, 1898." fausto: valkenvania.

hi.

file in. reassemble.

lucy, i'm home! oh, yeah. it's old, it's old. right this way, folks.

wait. i'm entitled to one phone call. surely. and you're more than welcome to make one if we had a phone. there's one in my car. your car's been impounded. impounded? already? step up to the railing. please.

may i have your i.d.s, everyone, please? i already have yours, mr. thorne. thank you, thank you. these trials usually last only a couple of minutes.

revolving district court for the village and shire of valkenvania is now in order! the honorable reeve alvin valkenheiser presides.


ok, dennis, give me their licenses, i.d., toll tickets, report cards, notes from the teacher. here you go, judge. traffic violation. contravention of village bylaw 23-- failing in the execution of a full stop at a place so marked. i recommend fine, bond, and release. what else you want to do for 'em, bake 'em a pie? all right here... who's christopher lawrence thorne? that's me, your honor. thorne financial publishing, water street, new york. ok. banker? no, no, no. banker, no. financial publishing. thorne's weekly? ok. banker. oh, here. well, look at this. passports. i will have you know that my brother fausto and i enjoy diplomatic immunity in this country. ok, well, uh... and you are the fausto and renalda... squi-ri-ni... squiriniz... siz--siz--sizwi. sizwi? friends of the bride. yeah, that's right. we all want to get married. no, sir. no wedding. moving violation-- failure to stop. let's just be quiet and let him do his little thing, and we'll be on our way. oh, i will let you be on your way, when the cat's eyes will spin! now, listen! ok. we'll listen.

hey, hey, ho, ho! ha ha ha! hula, hula, hula, the boola, boola, boola! look who's got the front seats at the mexican hat dance now. just like a bunch of spiders in a birthday cake. you might be interested to know that you are not under the jurisdiction of just any old fishing license dispenser and stamp-pad jockey! we've always been set to deal with the offenders once and for all at their first appearance, quick as sump grease through a 10-year-old goose. congratulations. i'm glad to know things are running smoothly for you. put out that dog rocket! sir, sorry. in 1796, my forefathers established this seat after the tenets of the old shire charter. shire charter? excuse me, sir, that's pre-magna carta. i mean, serfdom and fiefdom stuff. very good, young lady. you and i ought to spend a little more time together. well, i-i'd like that. would you? well, then, more on how they packed me off to farmers' mechanics' university in gracefield, ohio, for my engineering degree... and how i fought the germans in world war i later, but for now-- later? wait! whoa! no later. wait a minute. what is this shit? sir, no cussing in court! we don't want to hear the story of your life. we just want to pay and get the hell out! i'm sorry, judge. well, look at him. he's going on and on! this court herewith binds you over for a further appearance to be held at 4:00 tomorrow afternoon. we so deem for the public and common good that you be confined herein, so for now... good night, irene! aah! aah! iay! what's this?

what's the point in that? they're clean. no drugs, no guns, nothing. just another batch of hot-pistol, lily-white city chickens to run through grandpa alvin's trick house. when i'm gone, you'll be reeve. you can run things any way you want. till then, just do your job. so help me, i'll cut you out of the will. you won't get so much as flossie the nag. i always do my job, and you know it. and i don't mind letting you know my duties end right here at this bench. oh, fine. go suck a bug. are you ok? what are we going to do? oh, fausto. what was that for? how could you be so insensitive? what are you talking about? you better do something about this. you're pulling on my coat. now, cool it! i had us out of here! then you had to go and open your big mouth. you had us out of here? we would've been here another 2 hours listening to the history of the valkenburger farm, or wherever the hell we are! i knew i couldn't depend on you. listen, i don't need this! i was just trying to drive us to atlantic city for you! oh, is that right? yeah! you're no longer our financial advisor! you're fired! shut up! shut up!

miami, baby, here we come. here, take this. have they got a jacuzzi in this place, huh?

* get down *

* to the pavement *

* get down *

* funky and mysterious *

* some people live in little grooves * we got company. want this? not now. oh, shit. shit! pass it back. get rid of this. give me that. here, take that. arty, don't give your real license again. don't worry. i'll take care of it.

where's the pot? would you shut up? pass it to me. no! it's under the seat. shut up.

shut up.

my god. good evening. driver, step out of the car, please. good evening, officer. chief. driver's license, registration, insurance and fitness certificate, please.

ok, arthur... have you been drinking tonight, son? i had a couple. so what? i'm fine. i'm afraid you'll have to blow. blow you to get out of a ticket? forget it. that's not funny. i meant you'll have to use a breathalyzer. i'll blow him. maybe later... next century. let's go, son. oh, come on, officer.

you blew double drunk within village limits. you're going with me. sure. whatever you say, officer. say good night, copper. please, please, no. don't kill me. chiefy, pal, i was only kidding. ok.

my god! will you look at his face? is that nose rubber? hey, i don't want you. i want judge wapner. i have to plead the fifth dimension. ok. ok. well, let's see here. we got your crack and ice cocaine here. you got your pills, your vials of coke, snorters, pipes, and grinders. you got your gun here. you got your switchblade knives. since you're all having a whirl of a time on some some kind of a hopped-up date, i believe we can get this over relatively simply and have you people on your way, so step forward to the bench, please. hey, see that? thanks for understanding, judge. you know what i'm saying? you take care of this. i'm gonna go out for a smoke. go for a smoke? dennis, they've got guns, drugs. one of them tried to kill you. i'm staying to watch. i hereby find all parties culpable in these matters as charged, and so choose to inveigh the maximum levy for these violations, and do therefore deem that you be conveyed to a wholly awful place of execution wherein you shall be put to death.

oh! oh!

aah! aah! que es eso? what's going on?

heh heh! yeah.

what's going on here, huh? i'll give you all your coke, your grinders, your spoons, and pot and guns and knives back to you when you come out the other end.

* goin' down *

* bonestripper *

* you don't know what you're gonna do *

* you're in a mess, you're goin' down *

* bonestripper *

hee hee heh ha ho ho! look, i'm sure these are reasonable people. they'll have to entertain some kind of an offer.

they're coming. ok, folks. git up here for supper.

see? they're reasonable people-- supper. supper. little white wine, arugala salad, maybe some pasta.


welcome to supper.

how about a nice hawaiian punch?

thank you, judge. you know, there's nothing better at the end of a long day on the road than nice warm of hawaiian punch.

here's to good friends.

does he treat all traffic violators this graciously? only the ones he takes special interest in, like bankers. ants on a log, ma'am? uh... mm-hmm. yeah, i'd... love one. cousin? oh, ants. oh, yeah, sure.

oh. folks. i'd like to introduce my granddaughter eldona, she's single and the best class "a" mechanic in 5 states. she's adorable, judge. she'd make an ideal wife, too. genuine wage-earner, struck dumb at birth by a thunderclap. my kind of woman. i think the two of you would make a perfect couple. hmm. you look pretty this evening, sister. doing something different with your hair?

eldona, would you please prepare the meal? thank you, dear. hmm.

want to see the wine list? young man! it is basic human politeness to share your conversation with the whole table. so what's on your brain?

nothing. i was just thinking you've got enough vintage steel to make a few thousand toyotas. ever think of selling the whole place to the japanese? there you go! does the pope wear a hat? was sergeant york's mother an angel? and will a banker grope for money? i'm not a banker. i'm a financial publisher. all i know is in '17 after they shipped me off to fight, some new york financier rolled in here one day and hoglowdered and tubwangled my grandfather into mining the whole place out in exchange for shares in something called the united coke company. do you know what those stock certificates are worth today? just about the finest outhouse wallpaper you've ever seen! we were forced to become what you drove through today, a burnt-out coal field, the biggest icebox graveyard east of the ohio foundry belt. and that's why i never let a banker go. so your grandpa made a lousy deal. is that our problem? judge, that's a very tragic, tragic story. i believe it is. you should do a book.

how do you like your dog, folks?

they're serving dog? oh, no, no. hot dogs-- dutch country herefords, prize-winners. hot dog. stadium franks, like they had before they brought in night games. hmm?

ok. let's eat.


* from the great atlantic ocean *

* to the white pacific shores *

* from the big 'ol toy mountain *

* to the cow towns on the shores-- *

here's how i like 'em, and i suggest you have 'em the same way.

go ahead, there, folks. fix yourself up a couple of dogs.

* listen to the jingles *

* the rumbles, and the roars *

* as you glide along with the old banjo *

* hear the mighty rush of the engines *

* hear the lonesome hobo's song *

* as it rambles across the country *

* on that wabash cannonball *

* get aboard... *

wha... what was that? just a mine fire... burnin' since 1926. nothing that will cause us to interrupt our meal. he hopes. come on now! mix up them condiments the way i do!

* listen to the jingles *

* the rumbles, and the roars *

* as you glide along with the old banjo *

* hear the mighty rush of the engines-- * that's enough. i'm going to flip out. get me behind me, baby. you people are sick, wicked, funky, misanthropic, codependent animals! i won't have my sister, who was once the queen of the mardi gras, sitting at a table with a pickle-shooting train! he's right. we got to go. iay! fine. come on, baby.

priscilla, put that up. use the dogs. run! run!

take your hand off her! oh! that's more like it.

eldona, if you would please show them to their room. ow! easy. where do you work out? ugh! those people have no dignity! fausto, you were a hero! oh, fausto, and they had such ugly, ugly food! oh, fausto, what is that smell? it smells like sao paulo. toxics! toxics! we've got to swim through that. oh, no! fausto, you're not going to make me swim through toxics. i cannot believe it! we've got to get to the freeway! we've got to get to the freeway. i don't deserve this. close your mouth. ok. oh, let me go! aah! aah!

fausto! come on. come on.

you haven't got the correct time, have you? my watch is slow.

ooh!

hmm!

let me see if i can get a fire started.

fausto, we did it. we did it! we did it, man! we did it! carlo rossi to the bahamas, man. we're going to the bahamas! having a nice time. iay! let's find a road. we hitchhike to a truck. ok, we hitchhike. that is completely... congratulations, folks. you made it across our gully. you should get a prize. please, let us go. let our friends go. we're rich. we'll give you anything. solvent. liquid. rich. what am i gonna do with money? all i do is work for the reeve since i was 8. i got free room and board. only you have the power to help us.

dude, it looks like you need a nice couple of weeks holiday, you know? nice. time off from your job. you peeled the correct banana there. leisure time. kick back. nice. fish tacos.

quick, hide. come on. it's my cousin, the original all-purpose ditch-witch. hide. get down. all this is about some hustler who dumped on you, right? isn't it? well, what about suntz? really.

what were you planning on doing when you got down to atlantic city and confronted him? slap his face in front of a roomful of investors? that's a hell of a way to break up with a guy.

so you picked the wrong guy. happens to the best of us.

i've been through this. you know, when it comes to love, there's no accounting for taste. hell, i used to be married to imelda marcos. you don't have to put yourself through this. a guy like that's gonna bury himself anyway. he doesn't deserve you. you're too good for him.

i'm just such a jerk. i mean, why do i always pick the wrong guy? i mean, i'm... i'm so trusting... and so gullible. i mean, i don't know why i'm such a pushover. i mean, i'm such a sucker. mmm. mmm. i just love a pretty face. oh. oh, it's so... oh, it's so embarrassing.

oh! ooh! i better lie down. oh, you're nothing but trouble. ooh!


what the hell are you doing? that wasn't me. that was the bed.

let's get out of here.

oh.

up here.

come on. in this room! this way. there's got to be a way out. over here. must be the nursery.

bat room. oh, guano.

"marjorie valkenheiser. she forgot to duck."

jesus, it's moving! oh! aah! oh, oh! no! oh, no! no! oh, no! no! aah! oh, jesus. we got to get out of here. how far does this go? all the way up-- ooh! to here. are you all right? it's a blind staircase. maybe i can--oh. wait. got it. go on.

jesus. look out.

you all right? ahh. i don't know how much more of this crap i can take.

we're trapped.

wow. look at all these i.d.s.

what is this?

there must be thousands of them. passports and auto club cards.

wow. a license.

"virginia horse and trappings, 1896"?

"statewide search for outlaw biker gang underway."

"busload of hare krishnas... disappears."

"ex-nazi rocket scientist vanishes."

'49. all these i.d.s match the news clippings. look at this.

"jimmy hoffa still missing"? here's his i.d. are you kidding?

oh, wow. i think they've been doing this around here since the 1890s. i don't see any reason why they'll stop at us. i mean, look at this. they're all criminals and creeps. bankers. exactly. nah.

aah! what happened? aah! aah! aah!


oh. i wish we were on that train.

me, too.

good luck, slick.

look at this. it's a slide. yeah, but this is no playground. could be a bed of spikes down there. let's go. go. you go. take it slow. aah! ah, shit! ohhh!

diane! ohhh! uh-oh. diane. aah!

where? why? what? what? when? oh, no!

chris. chris. come on. chris! you get down here right now! come on.

* oh *

* howdy-do *

yeah. heck, i always was a good-looking fella.


the beemer.

uh-oh.

come on.

fantastic. recorded message: this is cell-net one. the system to which you subscribe has no agreement with our service--

gee, we have to finish this work for grandpa alvin, ok? we're always working for him. he treats us like we're his dogs, not his grandsons. we got no human rights. he's just mad that we both got so fat we couldn't finish high school. you're the fat one because you always eat too much cereal. you're the one who's fat. not as fat as you. you're the fat one. just get the hammer. i got it.

can't you hold that straight? hey. you're the one who's forging. can't you even see? i can see you're stupid. oh, that's it. i am never working for you in this foundry again. never! give me that. go get a ball-peen hammer. no! the one's that round on the end. i know the ball-peen hammer's round.

he thinks i'm his child. oh! ooh! trespasser! get her! get her! ooh! stop, trespasser! stop! aah! aah! hi. eldona's got her. that's good. yes. eldona's got her. that's not good. no. that's no good. aah! stop! what are you doing? no, eldona. no. oh! no! no! no! what are you doing? no, no. don't throw her in the minefire vent, please. we just want to play with her. oh, thank you. thank you.

i know. i know. we won't lose her. hi. i'm bobo. that's l'il debbull. hi. we're not allowed in the house.

ahh. oh. oh. is she ok?


judge valkenheiser. judge! waaaaa! i got some speeders. i'm bringing them in. i'll meet you in the courtroom. keep all your fat parts in one place. i'll be right down.

* oh, baby, you hit me like thunder *

* get over, get onto, get into *

* to love it was always a sin to *

* get up or get over, get under *

* oh, baby, you hit me like thunder *

* get over, get onto, get into... * that's it, fellas. right up the stairs. here we are, gentlemen. come along. join the party. thank you very much. come on. everybody. man, would you look at this place? it's like extremely draculated. white man's heaven. one at a time. here we are. we're home. let's go. 1, 2. lickety-split. she is one ugly, cross-burning, redneck, peckerwood police bitch, man. all right, move. a good man's work is never done.

oh, i sat around all day listening to all those stories when i want to relax and just...


"village reeve hurt in foundry blast." so that's what happened to the poor, old, ugly pusbag. i thought i took care of my vermin problem last year. i'm glad i forgot my pistol.

bad call, corn flake. i left that leg in france. and now... i'm gonna stick you. i'm gonna dig so many new holes in you, you're gonna look like a salt shaker. get your italian loafers out of my bedpan. ooh!

i'm going to make you cry now, boy. chew on this, you stinking relic. my skunk!

you are worse than a week of yellow shit storms. first i find you rooting around in my private things. now you're making advances against my little granddaughter. i was just trying to get away from you. i ran into her, ok? well, she's got your taint on her now. taint. no choice but house policy. fine. house policy. what's house policy? whatever man touches her is the one she keeps. what? what are you talking-- oh, no. wait a minute. oh, no. wait a minute. i just went through a goddamn stop sign. i just want to get to atlantic city. please, judge. she'll know what to do with him.

what the hell is that?

ok. what's going on? boy!

12:30, isn't it? kind of late. i was dreaming i was back in france on furlough. step forward, constable. what are the charges here? speeding.

75 in a 50. in a hearse. well, if it was an ambulance, you got a chance. if it's in a hearse, got to be worse.

ok. well, this is a union card, huh? what are you, mine workers? aw, man. no, man. we're musicians. we're a hip-hop band. you know what i'm saying? hip-hop? musicians? so youse all musicians, huh? yeah. deejays. constable, you search the vehicle? yes, sir. i did. it contains musical items. well, i, uh... well...i'd better see them. bring them all in, set them up. let me see them. all right. let's go.

* big girls *

* don't cry *

* big girls *

* don't cry *

* big girls *

* don't cry-y-y *

* they don't cry *

* big girls *

* don't cry *

* who said *

* they don't cry *

* my girl *

* said good-bye-y-y *

* my, oh, my... * eldona, you know he's not supposed to see you on this special day. special day? what is it, halloween? right this way, mr. snappy comeback.

mm-hmm. after this, you can see us do our tag-team wrestling show. ok? 3. ok. let's go. i got that! i got that! i win. my deal. bobo wins because bobo's hand was on top. yeah. my hand's on top. i win. my deal. no, i won. my deal. my hand's on top. my deal. i win. that's right. bobo wins. bobo's hand was on top. my hand was on top. i win. i deal. ok. ok. if i win again, i get... another bowl of cereal. and if i win, i get diane.

no, l'il debbull. my deal. ok, bobo. deal 'em.

drop the beat, j.

* been all around the world *

* been all around the world *

* all around the world *

* same song *

* a-all around the world *

* same song *

* i came for the party *

* to get naughty, get my rocks on *

* eat popcorn *

* watch you move your body *

* to the pop song that i'm singin', ding-a-lingin' *

* funky beat's ringin' *

* everybody swingin' in the place *

* as i kick the j-a-z-z-y style *

* r & b mixin' it with the hip-hop swing beat champagne *

* in my hand, it won't be long *

* till i'm gone *

* it's just the same old song *

* it's just a free style *

* meanwhile we'll keep the beat kickin' *

* sweat drippin' *

* girlies in the limo eatin' chicken *

* oops, don't get the grease on your panty hose *

* i love you, rover, move over, i gotta blow my nose *

* sneezin', but still i'm pleasin' all the slimmies *

* pull out my jimmy *

* time to get busy with a jenny *

* if it's good and plenty, don't you know? *

* there i go, there i go, there i go *

* but i don't go nowhere without my gym hat *

* when i'm rappin' as if she's clappin', then i'm strappin' *

* 'cause i'm smarter than that *

* and then, girlie, maybe we can get along *

* cutie after cutie *

* it's just the same old song *

* all around the world *

* same song *

* ahh *

* all around the world *

* same song *

* all around the world *

* same song *

* all around the world *

* same song *

* all around the world *

* same song *

* all--all around the world *

* same song *

* all around the world *

* same song * yes.

yep. you sure are a gaggle of musicians, sure enough. and now... the disposition of your case. uh, gather in a little closer, there. that's right. right there. yeah.

in light of your contribution to the common good, i hereby wave all fines, suspend all sentences. you're free to go.

hey. hold the harvest. there is another matter before the shire court this evening. and, uh... well, youse all might be able to help.

where's diane? oh, she went home. i got something better for you. first you oughta know something. in many cases here, i do often choose to inveigh the maximum levy. frequently, undesirables are put to death. i can understand that. come on. but death for running a stop sign? and for being a banker. that's the double death. however, i'd be willing to cast aside all findings, be blind to your banker's blood, let you live out your days here as husband to my granddaughter, father to her child, and heir to my seat.

wha-what are you saying? it's death or eldona? oh, come on, lad. take her hand. warm my tired old heart. i know women. she loves you. ever since she saw you, she's been floating around like milkweed in a spring breeze. uh-huh. make her happy. take care of her needs, and you'll inherit a fortune ali baba would crave.

listen, judge. uh... you know, i've--i've spent some time alone with her, and she's a spectacular woman. she's quiet but, uh, just shy. mute. ah. but, judge, as far as her needs are concerned, i could never presume to be able to fill them. oh, you can slip on a pud collar. now, let me get you out of these cuffs and chains, and i'll get you all married up, and we'll welcome you to this family with an all-night reel. no cuffs, huh? no cuffs.

pud collar. well, i must say... it sounds awfully tempting.

hit it. yo. drop it, j. that's it. yo. what it be? what it be?

* well, tie the knot *

* tie, tie the knot * in her own way, she's kind of special, isn't she? you'll never have car trouble.

* da da da da da *

* da-da *

* da da * ah, yeah.

ok. ahem. the district and commonwealth, hereby duly recognizing the will and wish of a man and woman to enter the holy and life-binding state of matrimony, herewith confirm that you, eldona marjorie valkenheiser, do take to husband one... christopher lawrence thorne.

hmm. mmm. and you... christopher lawrence thorne... confirm that you do take to wife... one eldona marjorie valkenheiser?

pardon? what? speak up! i can-- i do--i do. mmm. this office so recognizes and certifies this union and declares that you are now wedded man and wife.

you may kiss the bride. well, judge, plenty of time for that on the honeymoon. you may kiss the bride. no, not in front of all these people, your honor. now!

let's get out of here before the old man changes his mind. wait! wait! help me! we're out of here. help me! these are dangerous people. no! it'll be all right. i was nervous at my wedding, too. no! please! never mind him. he's just got the wedding night jitters. just go out the way you came. i'll open the gate and flip the bridge for you. you be cool, man. yeah, well, bye. you weak-livered puffball! damn city-working, yuppity well wallet! look how you hurt my granddaughter. aw, you ain't family material anyway. no, judge! aw, come on, judge! no, i wasn't... no, judge! why? i... judge, wha--what... wait! whoa, nelly! aw, come on, judge! oh, no, ah! so long, charlie!

what the hell is this now? oh, no, oh, no! oh, please, god! guaranteed you're going to enjoy this ride! oh, god! judge: i'm of the school that believes the last 30 seconds of a person's life ought to have a little zip in them. judge, listen, i'm sorry, i'm sorry. aah!

* goin' down *

* bonestripper... * oh, please, oh, please, god, no!

judge, i'm sorry, please! i--i--i love eldona! i love your granddaughter! she's beautiful! aah! oh, no! my--hey! please, god, help! please, god, stop!

please, god, oh, please!

god... oh, please, dear lord! please... please, god, i... thank you, lord.

oh. damn thing blew a belt. tell eldona to go and fix it. easy on her, grandpa. she's mighty broke up. i'll get him. don't let him get away! bring that there load to the gradertine.

diane? diane?

* i mean, i mean, i mean, i mean i love you *

* i dream, i dream, i dream, i dream *

* how i love you *

* oh, kiss, oh, kiss, oh, kissity kiss *

come on! eldona! mmm.

mmm.

ok. aah! you go on, get out of here! get out of here, you big slushbag! go on back to your hole. excuse my grandkids. they're all spoiled pulp rotten! that's right. too much, too easy, too soon. kids today, i know. thanks. want a mint candy? oh, uh... no, no. missy... i sure do hate to cut and shuffle a fine little muffet like you. me, too. but i will! if joe polo don't show. now, he hurt my family. ok. child, you'll walk free. scot-free, right out of here. you just get on the two-way now and tell mr. high-class to come on in. ok, i'll talk to him right now. all right. aah! you ok, judge? see? see that? now somebody's got to pay for the way they sapped this ground. you want your pills? i'm all right. hey, hotworm! listen! we got your pretty little girlfriend down here ready to go on the gradertine for a quartering, but because she's a bright-eyed, smart-looking type, i'm willing to make a trade. you lie down in her place, she goes free. we'll all be happy, including you. here, here, you tell-- where the hell's that dog-food-eating grandson of mine anyway? dennis! here, you talk. what's going on with him, anyway? what, is somebody not giving him his napalm? uh, chris... hi. um...it's diane. um, listen... run! run for your life! save yourself! tell the world about this place! just-- oh, boy. you really put the pin in the party hog now, girl. you got 5 minutes to come on in, or she gets cut and shuffled. mind, now, no gallantry and no suicide stunts. you just come on in. come on, now. be a real man. surprise yourself.

save the woman. give yourself up for the girl. she'll cry over you for weeks. what's the matter, boy? heh heh heh! ain't she worth it? all right, you old liver spot.

sorry about this, diane. but we have to tie you down like grandpa alvin says. i wish it was him we were tying down instead of you. we don't like him, but we love you. this is a classic case of a dysfunctional family. you should consider some help, some therapy. he won't go! ok, cowboy. last chance saloon. i'm going to count down from 10. if i don't hear your voice by the time i get to one, i'm going to cut her! aah! oh, don't! eldona, get them blades up. mmm. eldona, hey, listen... why don't we go to new york? i'll take you to elizabeth arden.

10! get me out of here!

9. come on now, banker!

8. what's wrong with this little girl? she a bad kisser or something?

7. chris, i really didn't mean to save yourself. get your ass down here and save me!

6. chris, get down here! you ain't giving me much choice, boy.

5. please, chris! all right, boy. last chance saloon!

4. don't!

3.

2. aah!

1.

diane! help me! oh, god, hurry, get my hands. hold on! oh, my god! get my hands! what took you so long? ok, oh, get me out. i knew you'd save me. i think i dirtied my diaper. get me the hell out of here, chris! he's fly-dicking with me! eldona, drop those blades! get him, get him! aah! oh, shit!

hey!

who are the infant bodies? bobo and l'il debbull. they're not allowed in the house. get that spotlight, ok? ok. what do you play in atlantic city? blackjack? craps? got to find them!

i don't think they saw us. come on.

excuse me, coming through. sorry. excuse me.

aw, we'll never get across this. let's head towards the train. come on, through the woods. smells like sao paulo. who's that man that was with her? i don't know. i don't know, neither, but she got away. you're the one that was supposed to be watching her. yeah, that's the most beautiful girl i've ever seen. bobo, shut up and drive! there they are! on the hill! get them before they get to the top. stop them!

train. hey! hey! hey! stop! hey, stop! hey!

now!

come on! i'm with you. right!

come on, reach! you can do it! i can't make it. trust me. come on, reach out! come on, that's it.

damn it! we got to get some help. as soon as the train stops, we'll get off and call the police. you saved my life. thanks. it was worth it.

bye, diane! diane... bye-bye! bye, diane.

we went around in that spinning bed, the door flew up, and we came-- got up into that, uh, a-attic-- in the attic-- with the newspapers and the, uh... all those licenses, and then-- that's pretty much where we found all the licenses and the newspaper clippings which matched-- we were smoking a cigar, relaxing-- there was no way to know-- what was that? an escape hatch or whatever. anyway, this door opened, and we went flying. bobo and l'il debbull saved me. and we climbed the cliff till we got on the train right after the fuel dump explosion. we think maybe the brazillionaires have been killed. that's--dead. you folks, of course, will have to come with us for identification purposes. wait a minute. this man removed his nose and upper teeth

3 inches in front of my face and started crooning like bing crosby. i'd like to help out, but i'm pretty sure i can pick him out in a lineup, you know what i mean? we could do it. we?


this is the state attorney general. we have a warrant to search these premises. why not just blast your way in? first we have to serve the warrant. i bet we could get them to come out. us? miss lightson doesn't have a bad idea there.

well... i suppose it's worth a try, if--if you two are up to it. it'd be our pleasure. wait a minute. wait.

can't wait to see his face when he gets a load of this.

ok.

yes? well, what's going on here? who are you? why are you bothering an old man? you're through, judge. you kids better look out behind you. there's a bee's nest.

hi, judge alvin! evening, troopers! can't go too far in this part of the world without running across my friends.

alvin is something, isn't he? of course, we can't admit that we appreciate the way he gets things done. and since you know what you know, i'm afraid we're going to have to come to some kind of a-ar-arran...

it's the coal fire! the seams are giving way! run for your lives!

come on, grab me. i'm not going to lose you now. got you.

hey, what's all that shaking? i don't know. i didn't do anything.

aah! my beemer! get in! no, it won't start. it's got a fuel cut-off switch. it's part of the alarm system. no seat belts. no roof.

oh, my!

fausto, that was the most adventurous weekend of my entire life. when i think about what happened in valkenvania, i would do it again. not me. i was like james bond. don't worry, dennis. now that you are head of our personal security... and my lover... dude, your life's going to be fantastic. and don't you worry. no one's going to touch you or my little flora de la luna. ooh. dennis, listen to me...


woof! woof! no! unh! hey, chris. chris, hey, hey, hey! it's ok. take it easy. i think you're just having a little napmare. ohhh. it's over? oh, yeah, it's over. you're ok, we're safe. oh, god. take it easy. oh, jeez, what a weekend. yeah, no kidding. it's ok. i'm going to go take a shower. ok. just rest. i'll rest. ok. i'm going to watch a little tv.

numerous fire companies from new york, new jersey, ohio, and all neighboring states are barely able to handle the subterranean mine fire near the town of valkenvania. diane, you should see this. our susan campost is on the scene. this cloud may have a silver lining. geologists say the brief but intense heat from fissures 10 miles below have cooked the upper coal tailings into a fine, medium-grade crude-- over 50 million barrels. wait just--just one second, roger. i see one of the village residents rummaging through the remains. excuse me, sir, how do you feel now that you have lost everything? at least we all got out alive.

'course, there's nothing left for us here now, so we're planning to move in with my grandson-in-law. he lives in new york city. oh, come on, no! wha-- see you soon, banker! no, what? aah! no, you won't.

* all around the world *

* same song *

* i came for the party *

* to get naughty *

* get my rocks on *

* eat popcorn *

* watch you move your body *

* to the pop song that i'm singin' *

* ding-a-lingin' *

* funky beat's ringin' *

* everybody swingin' in the place *

* as i kick the j-a-z-z-y style *

* r and b mixin' it with the hip-hop swing beat *

* champagne in my hand *

* it won't be long till i'm gone *

* it's just the same old song *

* it's just a free style *

* meanwhile we'll keep the beat kickin' *

* sweat drippin' *

* girlies in the limo eating chicken *

* oops, don't get the grease on your panty hose *

* i love you, rover, move over *

* i got to blow my nose *

* sneezin' but still i'm pleasin' all the slimmies *

* pull out my jimmy *

* time to get busy with a jenny *

* if it's good and plenty, don't you know? *

* there i go, there i go, there i go *

* but i don't go nowhere without my gym hat *

* when i'm rappin' as if she's clappin'*

* then i'm strappin' 'cause i'm smarter than that *

* then, girlie, maybe we can get along *

* cutie after cutie *

* it's just the same old song *

* all around the world *

* same song *

* it's the same old song, y'all *

* all around the world *

* same song *

* ah, it's just the same old song *

* all around the world *

* same song *

* same song *

* all--all around the world *

* same song *

* money-b, the freaky deke *

* squeaky-lickin' you up and down *

* well, as a matter of fact, i'll be right back *

* i got to take a leak *

* so while i'm drainin', entertain 'em *

* but i got fame, and the bases are touched *

* too much for me to try to be namin' *

* hey, yo, you saw me on cable and grinnin' *

* i busted in, and i was goin' to win *

* clark gable back in oakland, it's the same old song *

* this sporty shorty *

* same freckles and hat, drinking the same formula *

* hypothetical, political, lyrical *

* miracle whip, just like butter *

* my rhymes are legit *

* 'cause i'm a humpty, not humpty dumpty *

* but humpty hump *

* here a hump, there a hump *

* everywhre a humpty hump *

* aw, shut up and just listen *

* not dissin', don't get me wrong *

* but to me it's just the same old song *

* so just watch, 'cause my name is shock *

* i like to rock, and you can't stop this *

* 2 pac, go ahead and rock this *

* now i clown around *

* when i hang around with the underground *

* girls that used to frown *

* say i'm down when i come around *

* gas me and really pass me *

* they used to diss me, harass me *

* but now they ask me if they can kiss me *

* get some fame, people change *

* want to live their life, ha *

* same song, can't go wrong *

* if i play the nice guy *

* claim to fame must have changed *

* now that we became strong *

* i remain still the same *

* why, 2 *

* 'cause it's the same song *

* all around the world *

* it's the same song *

* same old song, y'all *

* all around the world *

* same song... *