Nothing in Common (1986) Script

You've done this before. Obviously. No.

Oh, God. Obviously.

I have to go back to work. No.

You don't have to go to work. Yes, I do.

It's time. No, no.

Wait a minute. Just...

Just give me 10 minutes more.

Fifteen, 20 minutes more? Come on.

I want to show you something. What?

What's this? How does this work?

Am I supposed to twist it or something?

Was that you?

We're experiencing turbulence.

Please fasten your seat belts.

Can you get me a cup of coffee?

No problem. Prepare for landing.

I have to get to work. We'll land in 30 minutes.

I'm a frequent flyer, I got a bonus.

Good morning.

We are approaching Chicago's O'Hare International Airport.

Please extinguish all cigarettes. Return seats to the upright position.

The local time is 8:10 am.

On behalf of our crew, thank you for flying Trans Allied...

...the official airline of the Indiana Pacers.


Sign for no lights at Wrigley Field. I've signed.

No lights at Wrigley Field.

From Davenport? One of the quad cities?

Twice as good as the Twin Cities. Good luck.

Matty and Matty, maintenance men.

What are the odds of that? Two Mattys in one building.

Polly, still pushing grapes.

Is she filling out an application?

Don't! It's hell through these doors!

Hi, Kathy. Tell that lady the truth about advertising.

BG and L hell!

Here's the guys who are working very hard.

Right inside. It's all I can spare today.

Thanks, dude. Mr. Basner.

Two examples for labor laws. Check out the talent.

I'm back! Remember me?

They're in there. Thanks, Donovan.

Here's a gift from the Bahamas. Why?

Because you crack me up. You make me laugh.

Is this red tie day? Nobody told me.

Bloody Friday. Hear what happened to Clemens?

He got terminated. We fired Clemens?

I'm sorry to hear that.

He was an asshole. Come on.

Dave? How are you? All right.

Congratulations on the promotion.

That's big of you. Is today your birthday?

Welcome back, Basner. You want to see my tan line?

Clemens is gone. Rumor has it he stored drugs in his cubicle.

Slice his chair. Get airport dogs.

Doris, did you miss me? Of course.

Thanks for the quickie. You wear me out.

Put it out. I see the smoke.

Where are our best and brightest? Our creative aspect.

The boss is back. You don't check anything.

Welcome back, Mr. Basner.

You have 10 urgent messages, but you're due in the conference room.

Get this fixed. It almost killed me.

Who's got a team? We got a team!

Dale, Rick, Brian, Cameron, Mishi...

Who knows where your lips have been. How's the Bahamas?

You wouldn't like diving. You can't smoke.

This is adorable. Brian, that was great.

Who locked it? It's a joke.

It's an office. Let's lose the plant.

Look at this. It's a man's desk! Bring any presents?

I have gifts for all...

...including a figurehead from a ship 300 feet below the sea.

That's for me. What?

An office with a window.


Oh, for me? This is lovely! We don't handle these people.

I can see traffic accidents.

Okay, staff! Listen up.

Guys and gals, the first order of business is: Out.

No work right now.

I love short meetings.

I went shopping. New office, clothes, new image.

We have a meeting. I won't forget.


Talk to me about it. Somebody, anybody.

The account loves it.

Tests show it does big. Especially in our target, Europe.

You do nice work. He should, with that raise.

That's it. Thank you very much. Let's go.

Now, about that lunch...

No, do that, and put the memo on my desk in my new office.

Congratulations. Thanks.

Donovan, play that back for me, okay?

No, don't, Donovan. David...

...I know you've received two offers from agencies.

Decline, or I'll throw you out your window.

Why? They won't make me a partner.

Partner?

Boile, Gargas, Lionel and Basner?

Like John, Paul, George and Ringo.

You're pretty cocky. No, just pretty capable.

In creating cute and flashy commercials.

You have to bring in new accounts. Just watch me.

Here's one. Make it up right there.

You pay him!

I'm dancing, I'm not embarrassed. You're drunk.

I'm having a drink.

Run it by.

Yo, Davey!

Meet Sheila and Louise.

Louise. Great.

Did you lose the wedding ring?

This is Sam. Nice to meet you.

I'm glad you got the job. I mean it.

Will you drive him? What will I tell my folks?

Jo-Jo, give me a stout. Beer's on us.

Thank you. Hey, nice... What?

Burnett Agency hot shots. Jo-Jo's on it.

That's why you're the boss.

Some big outfit wants to switch ad agencies.

What big outfit? Their computer line? Cosmetics?

It's an airline. Well, which one?

I'll drop a microphone in the drinks. Just find out.

I'll fix you up with Cameron, okay? Yeah.

Just don't be too obvious.

Go easy on him. I need him at the office.

Another round?

I gotta run. Got a hot date.

I wanna talk to you.

Keep your mouth shut.

Wait. Can we talk a minute? No, we can't.

You said you liked scuba-diving and raced seahorses.

Yes, I did. And you like...

Tell me, are you involved with anybody?

Yes. No. Well...

Does self-involved count?

No phone calls.

I left express orders not to be disturbed.

I'm David Basner.

I'm looking for new voiceover talent.

You could be it if I like your audition.

Leave your name and number. Action.

It's Max.

Max Basner, your father. Maybe you heard of me.

I thought you'd like to know your mother left me today.

What? Oh, you're there.

Yeah, I'm here. What is this about Mom?

You got a girl there? Anybody you knew?

Funny. What's this about Mom?

I'm not talking English?

Thirty-six years of marriage, and she walks out.

She took clothes. She took pots, pans, the blender.

It's 12:00 at night, and I'm alone...

...with a meatloaf in tinfoil. It's a misunderstanding.

It's not a misunderstanding.

A misunderstanding, you take a toothbrush, not the blender.

Look, I'm...

I'm in the middle of something. Can I call you back?

Did your mom leave your dad?

I guess so.

People just can't seem to relate anymore.

Bye-bye.

Hello, Mrs. Packanak. How are the birds?

Who is it? David.

You know where the key is.

Good morning.

You all right?

Never felt better.

So, what's going on?

I got a horse here that cannot lose.

Am I crazy, or is something burning? You're going crazy.

You like what your mother did with the furniture?

Your mother's a thief.

She took the sofa, the easy chair, the dining table.

I gotta eat off the card table.

I shuffled the toast this morning.

What is this?

It's a steak.

Here, I'll make another one for myself.

What's with you and Mom?

I can never find the ketchup. Where does she hide the ketchup?

I haven't lived here in 10 years.

She kept the peanut butter on the top shelf. Try there.

Here it is.

Your mother hated me using ketchup. She couldn't cook.

You know, the dog didn't die. He committed suicide.

Now that's a piece of meat.

Want anything for breakfast?

So...

...Mom left?

Do you see anyone else here?

Will you tell me, or are we gonna play 20 questions?

I told you. She walked out, she left.

Do you know where she is?

Who cares?

I'm better off without her.

She was some bundle of fun, that one.

My sides still hurt from laughing.

It's not your problem. I won't waste your time.

Be fair.

I hear from you three times. For Christmas, hockey tickets...

...and "your mother has left me."

You wanna leave. You been here 10 minutes already.

Got a blond on the other pillow?

A redhead in jeans with the name across the ass?

When I was a kid we didn't need a name, just an ass.

Go on, get out of here.


Cut! Cut!

What is going on here?!

What's down here?

Why are my glasses on the set? What?

Listen honey, it's "Jeu de paume."

It's not "Jeu de roller-derby." He moved.

You're ripping his face off. Take five.

Take a break.

Seven minutes to lunch?

You said yes to the Sony, no to the drunk driving.

Jane wants you. I'll be back.

Talk to me. Lunch at Spiages.

The no-tie meeting's at 2:30.

Donna call? I left three messages.

Someone claiming to be your mother...

Wait. My mother? She said she was.

I didn't know you had parents.

Get her on the phone. There's just an address.

I've got seven layouts.

Rog, we can't break this long.

Break's over. Thanks. Just nod at me.

The client sees me telling you that smoke won't cover the product.

Find out exactly where this is.

I rented the apartment from Lucille.

She was our cleaning lady when you were 6.

My mind was cluttered when I was 6.

Say hello to Lucille, David. Hello, David.

Good seeing you. You too.

Meet my husband, Arthur. How do you do?

Oh, yeah, I remember Lucille.

She was a little taller.

After 36 years of being married, you pretend it didn't happen?

Is that it, Mom?

Is that what your father said?

I just walked out all of a sudden?

No, he didn't. We just looked for ketchup.

You don't know what it was like since you moved away.

There was nobody to talk to.

He came home and there was still nobody to talk to.

I'd check his club chair. That's how I knew he was home.

I didn't leave because of the yelling. I left because of the silence.

You don't have to tell me the whole thing.

It took every ounce of courage I could muster to walk out.

That's right.

Who can say that amoebas don't make noise?

The point of this acting exercise is uninhibited body motion...

...speech, sound.

Open it up!

Michael over here is making very, very good amoeba noises.

Zachary, Nancy, what are you doing? Making baby amoebas.

You wouldn't know how. I'd prefer asexual reproduction...

...if you don't mind. Thank you.

Is this a required class, Amoebas 101?

David. Professor Donna Martin.

Fancy seeing you here, or anywhere.

Open it up.

Open it up. Use your vocal capacity.

Did I forget something? You promised to come to my play.

Just admit that you hate experimental theater.

That's not true. You do.

I did an experiment to see if I could enjoy it without...

...actually being in the theater.

I'm sorry.

No foreign amoebas, please.

Better.

Are we working you too hard, Bubba?

All right, take five. I gotta go to the bathroom.

There's a lot I'd like to get to...

...so let's make this a 15-minute "take five," please.

Very nice. Good amoeba-ing.

Nice. Very good.

Oh, good book?

You were the best, Bubba. So far.

Ms. Martin, is he your boyfriend?

He's an old flame, an old high-school flame.

This is what you want to avoid later in life.

I don't know, David.

My parents were divorced when I was 10.

My mom said: "Don't live in the same city as your parents."

What crappy advice. I can't get my parents to move.

I didn't mean that they should move. I meant...

You know what my scenario was?

I was gonna move away into a luxurious mansion...

...and they'd visit me once.

"What a nice mansion. We love you."

I'd say, "I love you too." Then they would go away and die.

Does this make me an asshole?

My ex-husband, Hank, he was an asshole.

You're just...

Childish, immature, selfish? I am.

I make a lot for being this way.

It is economically unsound to grow up.

If I did grow up and became an adult, what would I do?

Good afternoon, Nat.

Hi, Max. Got any tips for me?

Don't go swimming after a heavy meal.

I have girlie pictures I wanna show you.

If they're as bad as last week, keep them.

Mr. Young, a prune Danish and a seltzer.

You got it, Max.

Hello, Max. Hey, Sal.

How's your wife? She's fine.

Send her my best, even though I know she never liked me.

She never liked me either.

He's a riot. Max Basner, last of the old-time salesmen.

The pens arrived.

"Stolen from the desk..." "Of Max Basner."

It just so happens...

...that this is a great sales gimmick.

It's also a way to meet women.

If you were as interested in sales...

...we'd all be rich! Don't you dare yell at me.

You're talking to Max Basner.

I've been a top salesman in this company for 35 years.

Okay. I'm sorry, Max.

Mr. Keenan from New York has been on me. Just do better, Max.

Okay? Just do better.


Over here, boss.

Let's hit the pool. Wait, first close your eyes.

I want an honest opinion.

Who are you grateful to? You, Charlie Gargas.

Open your eyes and don't laugh.

Oh, it's you.

I don't look dumb in this? No.

It looks great. I want one.

I'm gonna be in Advertising Age Magazine.

A horrible title. They're staring.

I heard a laugh. Changing subject:

Colonial Airlines is up for grabs. I know.

Three agencies will do presentations. We need to be there.

I've set up a dinner for you and the owner, Andrew Woolridge.

He's a former Navy pilot.

He's private, cautious, a man of few words.

Or he's dumb, paranoid and totally off his rocker.

Nobody knows for sure.

You're staring again. What? No.

Yes, you are. No.

It's time for the real test. Let's go. Follow me.

Looks good from the back. Real test of what?

How it looks underwater. It'll look fabulous.

Hold this, please.

How's it look?

It's over there.

Oh, shit, it's sinking.


Room 432, please.

I'll try back, thanks.

Excuse me, do you happen to have the time?

Yes, it is...

...let's see, 7:30.

We better hurry or the Renaissance will arrive and we'll be painting.

What are you talking about?

It's a line from a movie.

Didn't work. A Woody Allen movie. Does that carry weight?

No, it doesn't.

But it wasn't a disaster.

Why don't we try some honesty?

I've the most important business dinner of my career tonight.

What career is it?

Advertising. After seeing you, it doesn't seem that important anymore.

My name is Basner, David Basner. David Basner, I'm Cheryl Ann Wayne.

I don't know how long my dinner will take...

...but could we have a drink later?

No, we can't.

Is my nose bleeding? I just got tagged. Ouch.

You know the Heimlich maneuver? Why, certainly, sir.

I'll have the trout.

I'm here to see Andrew Woolridge. This way, please.

Mr. Woolridge?

David Basner.

I appreciate you seeing me for dinner. They serve a notorious lobster bisque.

No dinner.

I'm sorry. No dinner?

Did I stutter? I said no dinner. I eat alone. We're having drinks.

I see.

I'll have a white wine spritzer, please.

I said we're having drinks. Stoli on the rocks.

I'll get to the point.

It's great that you're considering a Chicago agency.

New York is New York. L.A., who knows.

Chicago is the U.S. Of A.

Boile, Gargas and Lionel can't wait to do a presentation.

So much so, we're willing to do it on spec.

Sometimes I eat my whole meal just using my salad fork.

Really?

I'm sorry I'm gonna miss that.

Anyway...

Sorry, I had to make some calls.

Cheryl Ann Wayne, media director of Colonial Airlines.

I was with Capital Air... You already have the job.

I want to hear about him.

They're one of three top agencies in the Midwest.

They are strong with TV spots.

Basner's the new Creative Director. He's good, but a bit impulsive.

He gives up everything for a pretty face.

And I wear bikini briefs.

It's for you, Ms. Wayne. Thank you. Excuse me.

Hello?

Yes, Bill.

That won't do. I need the report tomorrow.

Yes, I'm holding.

I was meaning to ask you, by eating with the salad fork...

...does that include the soup?

You don't stay in the same hotel? Never where the boss stays.

I like my privacy.

I don't usually mix business with pleasure...

...but I didn't get to eat.

This is nice.

Basner, let's talk.

It's difficult for a woman in the corporate world.

We're labeled as having slept our way to the top. I don't have to.

I have an MBA from the Wharton School of Business and other credentials.

We'll be fine if you stay on your side of the line.

If you cross it, I'm fully capable of kicking you in the balls.

I went to the Wharton School.

That's a lie. Yes, I'm lying, I'm sorry.

I'm protecting my balls, just as at one time or another...

...you have protected your own.

Are you suggesting that I come on too strong?

Not for a sumo wrestler. Your car, ma'am.

Get in. I beg your pardon?

Leave your car and get in. I'll take you home.

Where do you live? South Dearborn.

Good. I like new places.

Well, I sure am enjoying working with Colonial Airlines so far.

Yeah?

I'm enjoying you. Definitely.

You have no presentation, much less an account.

These are details I will handle.

You're cocky.

My father likes that.

Well...

...l'll have to meet him. What does he do?

He has a nice job with Colonial Airlines.

Yeah. He owns it.

Your father's Andrew Woolridge? That's right.

You're Andrew Woolridge's daughter?

I'm in bed with a client's... Your name is Wayne...

...so I was in bed with his married daughter.

Oh, way to go, Basner.

Are you a minor too?

I'll just turn myself in to the police now.

Does your husband own anything? There's no husband.

Wayne is my mother's name.

I don't want to trade on nepotism.

You're still Woolridge's baby girl. Basner, I'm a big girl.

I chose to come here. Now I choose to go.

You can handle it any way you want.

Well, you don't have to leave.

Why are you leaving? Wait a minute!

I thought we'd spend some time together!

The before was awfully quick.

The middle was nice. Very... Really nice.

But I was hoping we could prolong...

...the after for a while. Spend some time together.

I think we've spent enough time together.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

All I know is you look great in black...

...and that you're very... I work.

Busy. I have to prepare for meetings.

It was nice. Let's not make an opera out of it.

Gray or red door?

The gray. Oh, red if you're going.

I wanted to keep you here. So unlike a one-nighter then, huh?

I'm sure you've done this plenty of times.

It has to be a one-nighter.

You're uncomfortable being with the boss' daughter.

Seduced and abandoned...

Hello? Hi. Andrew Woolridge.

I want to meet tomorrow. What?

Bad connection, could you speak up? Sure.

Woolridge here. I'd like you to meet me...

Please speak into the phone. I can't hear you.

I'm speaking into the damn phone. This is Andrew...

Stop shouting. It's not me.

You got my machine. Shouting won't do any good.

So wait for the beep, and thanks for calling.

You have a strange sense of humor.

I like golf. We're going to play...

...at the Wackcucut Country Club. Be there!

To be honest, this is my first time.

I'm out here because I want to work for you.

A lot of people'd say that honesty is admirable...

...but I won't.

That's it. That's it. Yes!

Yes, Mr. Woolridge, you were born to golf.

No, Mr. Basner. It's the size four.

Max. The name is Max.

If you don't buy anything, it's Mr. Basner.

Four. The blue and white...

...with the little sailboat on it. You all right, Max?

What kid wouldn't wear that, that lives in Chicago?

Rough and Tough did that six months ago.

They don't have the colors. I have the colors.

Thanks, Lenna. I understand.

Maybe you'll like the summer line. Thanks again, Lenna.

Thanks for nothing.


Oh, shit. Oh, shit!

Hey, mister. You all right?

So how did it happen?

You don't need to know how.

I'm the father you kept waiting for two hours.

Let's go home. Maybe your mother's back by now.

I wouldn't know about that.

What are you talking about?

Well... What are you saying?!

She didn't say anything... What did she say?

She found your cufflinks...

...and she asked me to return them.

So she's not coming back.

Who the hell needs her?

Come on, get in the car!

Attention, members. The karate and tai chi class schedules...

...are now posted on the board.

David, guess what. I got a job.

You never had one. What can you do? I'm answering phones.

And I'm brushing up on my office skills and...

It's wonderful. People talk to me and I get paid.

Want to get in a typing class? Jane is helping me brush up.

It's wonderful to have a son whose secretary cares about you.

Isn't it time for that yoga class I paid for?

David. Charlie. Hi.

Does it work in the pool? Gave up swimming.

I hear we may have a shot. Say yes.

Yes. Reading about horse racing, Tesio and ducks.

Widgeons, canvasbacks, Donalds, Daffys, all ducks.

Don't get carried away with Donalds and Daffys.

Be calm. It's an important account. What account?

I'm sorry. Lorraine, my mother, who works.

Charlie Gargas, whom I work for.

How do you do? This is your sister, not your mother.

He's in advertising, watch out. Delighted. Excuse me.

Listen carefully, now. Three things:

Use your humor...

...speak specifically about the agency...

...and what it stands for.

People. Products. Profit.

Make sure to get an appointment. That's why I'm going.

Is there a problem? No. No problem.

I felt staring. No.

I'm between tai chi classes. Excuse me.

That rug is the worst. Does he realize it?

He does now. Have a nice yoga class.

Charlie! Enjoy your weekend, David.

My mom was saying how young you look. Thirty-five, she said.


Where the heck are the ducks?

This is how you blow it.

Here they come! Up!

The one thing I've learned in advertising...

Dad, I'm going for more shells.

My daughter speaks highly of you. She does?

She says you're a great lay.

She said that?

Yeah, my baby tells me everything.

Quite a conversation for a daughter and father.

She's a very modern woman, I raised her to be an executive.

I raised her to be a man.

So did my father. I don't tell him anything.

I don't want to hear your story.

Why don't you shoot some more fish?

Do you know horses? My dad has a passion for them.

Oh, breeding? No, betting.

I brought this down. It's information...

One of my stallions is servicing Mr. Egan's best mares.

Why don't you take him to the barn.

I have business to tend to.

We can talk about this after the horses are done servicing each other.


Are you going to dim the lights?

Afterwards what? Back to the barn for a cigarette?


What do you mean they're for me? I don't want them.

I can't carry ducks on the plane.

Here's something to make your city friends envious.

Oh, thank you. Enjoy those.

Great. You know...

...your farm's beautiful. I particularly loved the horses.

I read a stallion's responsible...

...for 60% of the offspring's traits.

But mares are responsible for 40%...

...of the get's traits. According to Tesio.

He's the expert. You read Tesio?

As a hobby. Sometimes.

Tell your boss Colonial Airlines will look at your presentation.

Memo to David Basner:

A date's set to present to Colonial Airlines.

Your staff has two weeks to come up with greatness.

I want that account.

Signed: John, Paul, George and Ringo.

Okay, okay. Possibility!

Mishi?

How about this? You've got Colonial, right?

"Co" stands for cooperation.

"Lo" means never lonely on a plane.

"Ni," plenty of knee room.

And "ial," you'll have a good time. Colonial.

No, no, no. Give it a chance.

How about this? Colonial Air...

...you don't have to worry about getting hijacked.

Colonial moves people. The family!

The family thing's the idea.

I understand that. It's a good concept.

This is funny. You won't laugh now...

...but you'll crack up driving home.

They're flying all over the country.

Tell how your life was shattered...

...when you turned from us...

...and put faith in others? I was lost, I had no leg room.

Couldn't even smoke.

So board me, and feel the experience.

Fly Colonial Airlines.

You're an airplane? Yeah.

Want to board Mishi?

No. We need a grandma.

I like the grandma idea.

One, two, three, four.

When you're on a plane In a comfy seat And next to you Is an Arab Sheik Flying to the sky Really getting high You're flying on Colonial And that's no jive

Can we go to the office? No. It's a dry spot.

This is my cubicle. It's magic.

Let's hear the art director.

Colonial Airlines Colonial

Airlines I like it. It's bluesy.

You know what it is? Lousy.

But if we use some ideas and real people, not slides...

Real people. He's asking...

...lots of agencies. They'll show him the same thing.

He's sick of it. We have people.

Anti-high tech, I love it!

Live people. Live presentation.

No gimmicks, no lasers, none of that. Anti-high tech.

Hugs the grandchildren. Hugs the...

Special. Special kids.

Yeah, holds them. Hugs her special kids.

Get out of here. I'm in pre-game.

I just came by to wish you luck.

You're hard to find. I think of you when I see mounted police.

Wouldn't be fair to the competition. Yeah, I was worried.

So, what happens if I get this and we work together?

I think it'd be terrific. We'll handle it.

The perfect executives? We'd make a good team.

You know, I sense that. But I don't know why.

You see something in me you like.

You see you.

I'll see you inside.

Batman.

We're ready to start, Mr. Woolridge.

We're all set.

Good morning.

Research shows Colonial Airlines...

...has its share of business fliers.

There's room for improvement with family travelers.

We've come up with a campaign that targets this market.

Picture this:

A grandmother sits in her house doing needlepoint.

Another day, another afghan. A cup of tea sits beside her.

An afghan around her legs. That's nice.

The phone rings. Hello?

Hi, Mom. Bad connection.

Grandma! Tell her I hit my first homer!

Come for a few weeks. That'd be great.

Grandma boards a Colonial airliner.

She is made very comfortable.

Comfortable, ma'am? I'm Hattie.

They compare needlepoint. Look.

The stewardess tucks her in. Thank you.

And brings her a hot cup of tea.

Grandma chats with the other passengers.

Hi, there. In Bombay, I was an internist.

I'm going to a convention.

The plane lands.

We see chauffeurs holding signs with clients' names.

Is there a T. Jones here?

Looking for Gonzalez.

What? A boy holds a sign that says:

Grandma! Jimmy!

We witness a reunion.

It's so nice to see you. Grandma!

How you've grown! As does the smiling stewardess.

Bye, Hattie. Tell your mom about lemon for colds.

See you in Toledo. Bombay.

Caracas. Where?

Then she sits with the adoring kids.

Warm enough? I love you!

Her daughter brings her tea.

Here's some tea, Mom. Hattie.

Grandma has to just hug those special kids.

We're glad you came. Thanks, Grandma.

We dissolve to the Colonial plane flying into a red sunset.

And we hear:

From your home...

...to our home...

...to their home.

Colonial Airlines...

...your home in the skies.

Do you have anything else?

We like this. It's our strongest concept.

Who got an airline? I did!

I want to talk to you! Wait.

Who got it? Not the grass!

Don't get up. Standing ovation!

Everyone knows I got an airline. You got it! Congratulations!

Don't I get a hug? That's a friend of mine.

I deserve congratulations too. Why?

Remember that grant I applied for?

They called me today, and I got it!

That's great! How much?

Not a lot. Enough for the Gemini Theater.

The garage? We'll convert it.

The world needs more experimental theater.

Let's go out. We'll celebrate with an expensive, snazzy dinner.

I can't take long.

You can't park on the lawn! We're moving it.

This is a 4-wheel drive. There was no place to park!

Who's he? Dean of parking.

Who? Dean Wood, in the speech department.

Wait. Robert, I'll call you!

Bye-bye. So long, Robin!

Welcome to our 10th Fashion Show for young lads and little misses.

Hey! The Campbell brothers.

Here.

Have a personal pen from Max Basner.

When this is over, come up and we'll talk.

That's Sal Mancuso. He's one of my biggest customers.

How much business has he given you?

His wife has been sick.

Looks like all your customers have sick families.

Don't worry. Business will pick up.

A pink dress with a Pilgrim collar in poly-cotton.

That is super.

Kristen is my choice for model of the year.

Well, it's nice to see you, Max. Nice to see you, Mr. Keenan.

Turn in your samples.

But that's my spring line.

We have someone else in mind to take care of that.

We're letting you go. You're fired.

Item sixteen...

...is Adam, in poly-cotton gray flannel trousers.

My kid's in the show. I have to go. I'll see you later.

We thank the kids who modeled today...

...and all the kids who were forced to be here.

Goodbye, have a grand year, and remember our motto:

Be proud to be a salesman.


Ah, don't ad-lib the lines. Stick to the copy.

Enjoy the language and read the script.

Relax. Enjoy.

Oh, George.

They think up the commercials for marketing...

...and send them to the account executives.

This is called the bullpen. That's a baseball term.

Please step over here, and we'll take a break.

I want to hear you say: "I trust your judgement."

She doesn't look like a grandmother. She looks like a hooker.

She's no hooker. There are more grandmas.

Tour coming through.

I'm saying grandmothers are getting younger every day.

You know David Basner?

Number two had a geriatric youthfulness.

I need some input. Will you come to my office?

Where were you? I've been waiting for you.

I got cramps from the grapes.

It's noon, Dad. I work here.

Aren't you gonna introduce me? No.

I've been here for five years, and now you visit.

I had no coffee at home. I thought maybe you'd have some.

This is something! Secretaries. Offices.

It's a regular big deal. What do you want?

Not here.

I got a promotion so I can have an office.

See my name? Not here.

Can't you give me five minutes? Let's take a drive.

Why don't you get a normal car? It's a jeep, Dad. I look good in it.

This goddamn car! You have to be a mountain climber to get in.

Want one? They're Honduran. No.

Can't get the Cubans anymore. No, thank you.

I lost my lines.

They fired me.


What are you gonna do?

I know you hate me...

...but you have to help me.

No, you don't.

You send her from the cold to the warm.

That way she doesn't get pneumonia and die.

We can have dinner. Macaroni. I can't. I've got a date.

I got you X-Rated action on every page:

Eros, Macho, Hot and Sexy Mature Women.

You know, that's something we always had in common.

Who? My father. You. Me.

We could always talk a girl into bed.

Glad you still can, Dad.

You need asparagus? I can't.

I can't do it anymore.

You wanted that clock? I hope it'll do.

Flashlight. There was something else.

Thank you. What is that? That's right.

Look at that, Mom. Look, it's a dog.

Where did you get him? Down at the pound.

Does he have papers?

He gets newspapers. He's not house-trained.

David, thank you. Oh, someone to love.

See you later. Bye. Thanks.

Oh, you're so sweet. Did that scare you?

Who is studying psychology? Economics? Philosophy? That's good.

Advertising's the distillation of what we know.

Ask Mr. Buzzword. I love what I do. I'm not writing novels.

I have no manuscript. I don't want to direct.

I like advertising. If you like it, give it a shot.

But if you choke, you could end up like Mr. Buzzword.

Isn't that right, Ted? Thanks, David.

Mr. Basner loves to kid.

What's the dilemma? What kind of chair do we use?

What kind are there? Excuse me?

What? Dad.

Come on.

Put it back. Put it back!

Shame on you. I'm sorry.

Get in the car.

Cubitode is a bookie. You don't know him.

He's talking about kneecaps. They don't break kneecaps for $ 75.

You bought your mother a car! Aren't my knees worth $75?!

Didn't we do that yesterday?

What? I need a cleaning lady.

You missed my birthday.

They have buses out to the track.

I've got a problem.

The dog wants to say hi. I know it's 2 am.

Mom, the AA helps alcoholics. You need AAA.

I'm sorry I bothered you.

I'm the father he's ashamed of.

Father's on 7, mother's on 8. I was in a meeting!

Don't put me on hold.

I knew him before he had conferences!

Your mother again. That's it.

I can't. Dad on 4.

I'm your mother. I'll go as soon as I can!

You just called an hour ago!

Who is it? David, come on, open up.

They're driving me crazy. Who?

My folks. Can I come in?

It's midnight. Please. I know.

They're driving me crazy!

This better be... Everything is coming true.

Have we been drinking? Just a little, not too much.

It's "get my dry cleaning, help with groceries...

...I can't drive, take me here, David. David, David, David."

It's affecting my work, Donna.

I feel like a Swedish au pair boy.

I got Mom a dog.

Donna? Sweetheart? Just a minute.

David, I'm not alone.

Sit here and stay calm.

Stay.

Stay!

What's happening? I heard drumming.

An old friend is having a problem. Now?

His parents have split up. Well, how old is he?

He needs to talk.

I apologize for barging in like this.

I'm sorry. I won't be long.

He's drunk. I just had a couple scotches.

I know you! We met!

You're in Psychology. Roland...

Robert! Robert, you're naked.

I came at a real bad time!

You know what she likes? David!

I'll kill you! I'm talking with Robert!

We were like this in high school. Sometimes like this.

We used to go steady. I like her.

She's got a lot of energy. Her middle name is Mildred.

Donna Mildred Martin! David, I will use this weapon!

I'm talking about the nervous breakdown caused by my parents!

Remember my angry voice? I'm an only child. Their breakup...

Get out! Get out! I mean, they don't...

Wait, don't get up!

She'll put you back in the mood. That is not fair!

Your friend has unresolved conflicts.

Don't give me that psychoanalytic bullshit, please.

My life's endeavors are bullshit? Glad this came up. I should go.

No, don't go, please. I'm sorry.

Just give me a minute with him.

Just a minute, promise.

I don't believe it.

You've still got it. Where are these kids, huh?

David Basner, the swim team, junior class treasurer...

...and Donna Martin, drama club. Emily, Our Town.

Maria, West Side Story.

Golden high school moments. Fabulous.

I'd like to talk about tonight.

Did you hear me? I can't think of you with another.

You never ask.

I'm sorry, but we can't do this anymore.

Who am I gonna talk to? You're my pal.

I don't want to be that.

I want to move on. I want a relationship.

Robert? With Robert, or someone else...

You change your hair?

Something is different. No.

Is the bathrobe new?

It's old. You've seen it before. No, I haven't.

You wore it! I wore the pink one.

This is pink.

You looked great in it.

Well, let me try it on.

I want to see if it fits. Listen!

I won't be your emotional pit stop anymore.

An emotional pit stop, you won't be that anymore.

An "emotional pit stop." That's beautiful!

Did Robert tell you this kind of term?

Like check under the hood, and examine my heart and mental attitude?

And how I'm doing? How secure I feel, and all that?

It's lovely. That's psychology, isn't it?

"Psychoanalytical bullshit"...

...I think you described it.

I'll remember that. Does Robert wear the robe?

Go home, David.


I just can't drive. I can get around okay.

You read the racing form like this. I like the charts.

It's giving you ink stains on your eyeballs.

So let's go. All right.

I'll go up, but I'm going up alone.

Now, you're in a loading zone. Get going.

You were to see a doctor, and you didn't.

I want to make sure.

Don't, David. Don't embarrass me.

They'll think I can't take care of myself.

I wanna know what the doctor says. Certainly.

Call me.

All right. Call me.

Wait a minute! I had this thing timed.

The bridge is up, I couldn't go. Whoa, wait!

Give me the ticket.

I bet you're upset you didn't get to tow it.

That would have made your day.

I'd rather sleep in my own bed.

I don't have a change of clothes.

Are you worried about tomorrow?

We've shot a lot of commercials. We could do it blindfolded.

As a matter of fact...

...why don't we actually shoot this commercial...

...with the director blindfolded?

This is a joke. This is a joke, Cheryl Ann.

I'm making a joke.

You're cute.

Get some sleep.

Hello?

Hi, Jo-Jo. What's going on?

Three beers and 10 air balls.

Thanks for calling.

You've got very nice moves. Thank you.

I played for St. Mary's.

Shoot!

I missed.

What's the score? You're up by two.

Hi, David. Hi, Mom.

This is my son.

You told me you come here, that the people are nice.

Put on your shoes, and come out of the cage.

Who says that to their mother?

Thank you, Mr. Wellington. Lloyd.

I went on a date tonight. With Lloyd?

He's just a friend. I am so thirsty.

I'll buy you a drink. Lloyd drooled on your shoes.

I went out on a date...

...with a pediatrician I met in yoga class...

...Dr. Bedsole.

We had a wonderful time.

We went to a movie and had some sushi. It was a great time.

Sounds great.

So why were you crying and looking for me?

Ed Bedsole...

...kissed me...

...and I got scared.

Why should that scare you?

I just didn't know how to respond.

I didn't know if I liked it or hated it.

No one's done that in a long time.

Your father hasn't kissed me for years. Nothing.

For 30 years there was nothing. No love, no passion. Nothing.

He never left. He was always there.

To eat. And sleep. And go to the toilet.

He cheated on me. Everyone knew that.

He humiliated me. Do you know that?

You never said anything. Why didn't you tell me?

You were just a little boy.

You said your funny things, and ran out of the house.

Then, when you moved away...

...you didn't come around much.

Christmas, and flowers on my birthday.

Coral-pink roses. And a Mother's Day call.

Once from Hawaii.

Well, I'm here now.

I know you're here now.

I have a chance to talk about this, but I am embarrassed.

A mother shouldn't say this to her son.

I wish I'd been a better mother, David.

You did fine. No.

I wanted to do better.

I didn't even do fine.

I wanted to do more for you.

I'm going to the ladies' room.

Are you crazy? It's four in the morning.

You just tell me. What did you do to her?

To who? Mom's afraid of other men.

What the hell did you do?

I gave her a name. That's what I did.

I gave her a son.

I gave her food and clothes for 36 years.

I did pretty good. Did you ever say you loved her?

That's none of your goddamn business!

Yeah, it is my business.

You cheated on my mom. Then you made her feel dirty.

You have no right to talk to me like that.

That's between your mother and me, not you.

I grew up in this house! You kicked my ass for years!

Now you're doing pretty good.

You got a jeep, money, and you're boffing everything.

I did something right.

Now that I'm an adult you approve? You never did when I was a kid!

I never knew what you were saying! You were a moody little shit!

Whenever I took a pee, you'd have a seahorse funeral!

Why don't you get the hell out of here?

Tell me what you did to my mother.

You want to know, so I'll tell you.

From the first night on our honeymoon...

...she laid there like a wet rag.

She was frigid, David. Your mother was frigid.

She wouldn't do what I asked of her. She didn't know.

Just out of Catholic school, it repulsed her!

When you go to bed... When you go to bed, you want to have fun.

I was her husband, goddamn it! I wanted some pleasure!

So I went out and got it someplace else.

Yeah, of course you did.

Your best friend is your dick!

And where did I learn that?

Great! Us four will go out to lunch someday!

You ran around and acted like this was a boarding house!

I grew up in a boarding house, Dad!

Thank you. I found out what you did to us.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute!

It was very tough...

...all of those dreadful things I did.

That's how I was brought up. And I did the best I could!

Tomorrow I'm doing a commercial with a family...

...that loves each other.

I'm faking it.

I'm Michelle Wilson. Call me Mishi.

Often we have problems with our monitors.

See that bouncing black bar?

It helps when you go like that. It disappears.

Not like that. Up and down.

Ready? Can't we watch there?

Sure. Quiet, please.

We're rolling.

Colonial Airlines, 4-8, take 1. Mark.

Snow, Bernie.

And... action!

We pull back on a cold day.

We see Grandma by the hearth...

...and the phone rings.

Cut! Cut!

Cut?! Did you say cut?

I'm the director! Only I say "action" and "cut."

Learn to say "action"...

...since you know "cut."

Do you hear me?

What will we do? She's drunk.

I know. Roger?

You already did a drunk-driving spot. Yeah.

A little casting tip:

Next time, hire a sober actress.

Not next to the clients.

You don't need a bullhorn!

She's hard of hearing.

Drunk and deaf? How'd she know to show up?

I did not hire this actress.

Don't be so testy.

This is the face that they want.

So we will make it work. Yes, yes, we will.

Pour coffee down... Whatever.

Get me some coffee. Yes, sir.

Do we have decaf?

This snow is too thick. Practice, Bernie.

My father wants to have lunch. I don't have time for lunch.

Bernie, can we make actual flakes?

Just a little problem. The cup was wet and it slipped.

She's so sweet. We'll give her a break.

I want to show you the other stage now.

What are you doing? Get out of here.

Where's the kid? He's still in school?

You can step out while they set up.

What's this? A housecat. You want it more exotic?

Where did we get a cat? Roger said get a cat.

Lose the cat. Roger! Get it out of here!

A cat? She could say goodbye to the cat.

Oh. That's a good idea. Yeah.

Let's do one about a grandma...

...who abandons a cat in winter...

...so she can romp with her grandkids!

We can show the cat trying to claw its way out to get food!

Are there more animals...

...that Grandma can torture?

Maybe put a squirrel in the fire?

Do we want to work in advertising? No!

What're you looking at? Go smash this.

Let's take a break. We haven't had too many!

What are these people... Just relax!

Come on! It's me! Come on!

Why don't you just go home, huh?

What's the problem? I'm sorry. I had a bad night.

I'm sorry.

You laying some bad pipe? It's nothing like that.

My old man.

I don't talk to mine, so I don't know.

Do you remember when we worked in the mailroom?

We found out that we were fired, so we shredded the mail.

Look at us now, huh?

These people actually think we know our job.

It's a laugh. Isn't it?

Come on, we said we'd do it as long as it was fun.

Why don't you go home, go to Lincoln Park?

Let me take care of things. It's just a commercial.

Let me see those eyes.

Right. All right.


Coffee?

Sorry. Just keep an eye on things.

Is he coming back? I don't know.

He told me to keep an eye on things.

Ms. Wayne wants the... The copy. I know.

You don't make jokes anymore.

You liked those jokes?

Yeah.

So did I.


Hey, Dad?

Dad?

Come on, Dad...

All right. I'm sorry.

I called all week. I'm tired of you hanging up.

I bought some groceries, Dad.

Mom is sitting like a zombie...

...recovering from her date.

I don't know what you're doing in there.

Let me take you out, huh?

You pick the place. We'll listen to music.

That's jazz, right? Jazz music?

Come on!


Doesn't that do something to you?

Doesn't that do something to you? No.

Can we go? It's four in the morning. What four in the morning?

Where are your new glasses?

I lost my slipper someplace.

Dad? Where are your new glasses?

They're being fixed. They didn't fit right.

...that's about it for tonight.

Wait a minute, Conrad. One more time.

Max, give us a break.

I haven't even drank my minimum.

All right, one more time.

"When the Saints." One, two, one.

You didn't go in.

You didn't go in to see the doctor, did you?

I'll get your goddamn slipper. Then I'm taking you home.


I'm not staying in this lousy hospital!

I'm feeling fine! I'm going home!

Let me out of this chair! Let me out of this chair!

Let me out of this thing!

Get your hand off! I'll claim malpractice!

I'll handle it.

You'll handle nothing! It has to be tomorrow.

Tomorrow, bullshit! I won't be here!

If anybody touches my legs, I'll brain the son of a bitch!

You've got no choice!

I knew he'd find something wrong!

Something is wrong with you! Put this on.

I won't! Your ass hangs out!

So sleep on your back!

Don't hang anything up, because I'm getting out of here!

Don't tell any of his friends. He doesn't want them to know.

How serious is it?

He could lose his legs.

Definitely parts of both feet.

But he'll live?

Doctor gave me the malpractice bullshit.

He said that it's a major operation...

...that with patients of Dad's age and condition...

...complications could set in because of the anesthesia and shock.

That means that he could...

He could die. He could cash it in...

...kick the bucket.

He could shuffle loose the mortal coil.

All right, David! That's enough.

I knew he was sick.

Oh, well, he knew he was sick too.

But you don't die from diabetes.

You do if you let it go this long, Mom.

It's the number three cause of death in this country.

I read this in a pamphlet at the hospital.

It's not my fault that it went this far.

He knew. He didn't see a doctor.

He is a grown man. I couldn't make him go.

He smokes cigars before breakfast!

It's not my fault.

I know, Mom.

Let me make you French toast. No, I'm late for work.

Your home to our home To their home Colonial Airlines Your home in the...

...sky Are there any questions?

We've just bought three jumbo aircrafts.

You didn't mention them.

We're excited about the acquisition.

But it's a tiny part of the fleet compared to others.

We showed that you have more short flights...

...than any other carrier. Next question?

We have a perfect safety record. You didn't say that.

It could backfire.

People think it's luck and wonder when it will run out.

We'll use it, but not in mass market. It's too iffy.

Suppose we insisted.

I'd say no. Lf you couldn't?

I'd walk away. It's a bad move. I won't be responsible.

Good enough. Who cares about safety records?

This man has a campaign to do.

This campaign will knock them on their duff!

You've got an hour to meet me at the airport.

We have the presentation in New York.

Oh, yeah, that would be today.

I'm sorry, I can't make it. Mustard.

What?

I'm not going. My father is ill.

Well, put him in a hospital.

I did. But he needs surgery, and I want to be there.

Why?

Why?

I said we have a meeting.

I heard you, twice. I told you I'm not going.

Where's Charlie Gargas? In Los Angeles.

Call him.

He'll be back this... Now!

Mr. Woolridge, Ted Geller can go.

I hired you. He's familiar with it.

Can you talk to him?

Basner, you have to make the presentation to our board.

You have good doctors, you don't have to stay.

No, I don't, but I'm going to.

You're not going to New York?

I'm not going to New York.

Look, I'm serious. I've had enough of this.

If you want this...

...you'll get up off your ass, get packed...

I'm counting now.

One!

Two!

Three! Jesus Christ!

Four!

He really is counting. Five! Six!

This is the 20th century. Sir, I'm not...

...a shit-kicker from your farm.

Ten!

Look, I'm done! Take my stuff!

Do what you want...

...but I'm not going!

And don't you ever fucking touch me again!

Fire him.

Quite a show.

What do you do for an encore? Burn down a building?

Did you just make a joke?

You did, didn't you? You made a joke.

Not a great joke, but you made a joke.

Cheryl Ann!

You made light of a heavy situation! Sense of humor!

You do, you have one.

I worked damn hard on this with you.

I thought that you were a professional.

I'm as committed as you.

I'm going to New York. You're staying.

We have different priorities. We do.

I'm surprised too. I thought we were the same.

That's what's sad. We were a good team.

I looked forward to seeing you every morning.

Wondering what you'd wear, what you'd say...

...and how you were gonna tease me...

...and when we'd find time to make love.

You made all of these exhausting hours fun.

That I'm gonna miss. It's hard to find.

I'll miss you, David.

Very much.

You're fired.

You know, I liked being with you too.

You're gonna make a lucky corporation one hell of a CEO.

Ms. Wayne, your limo's waiting.

I do hope your father's okay.

Where are my copies?

On my desk, I'll meet you there.

Hey, will you get out? I'm creating.

This is where I do my best work. Get out!

Oh, it's only the boss.

I was sleeping.

I'm sorry I was gone. I missed the fireworks.

You know everyone in L.A. Has odd-colored hair?

I saw someone that drew it in.

Here I am buying hair. I'll never understand L.A.

Did we lose the account?

No, I calmed Woolridge down.

I told him that I'd throw you out of a plane...

...you know, the usual punishment.

I'm not a partner by accident.

I'll apologize to you. But not to anyone else.

It's been hard to deal with all of this.

Join the club.

At the end...

...my dad was in a home. It was the best in Illinois.

I was too busy to visit him much.

But I figured he was well cared-for.

He was a little senile. Not much.

When I got around to seeing him...

...he didn't recognize me until he died.

He didn't remember who I was.

I thought you'd be the perfect son, Charlie.

No, they tell me there was only one of those guys.

You take care of what you've got...

...l'll take care of Woolridge.

Thanks.

I brought you some stuff from home.

Okay, all finished.

Thank you, Harvey. Wait a minute.

Here. Have a pen.

Thank you, sir. Thank you.

You're welcome. Bye-bye.

You'll be fine.

Just as long as you aren't my doctor.

Come on, I could have been a great doctor.

You could have been a great anything.

Today was crazy at work.

But I'll be here. I'm gonna go...

...get cleaned up...

...and I'll be here tomorrow. I'll be here when you get back.

In other words, you'll be here.

Why don't you go now, so I can sleep.

Or I'll be grumpy tomorrow...

...and I won't enjoy the operation.

Well, see you tomorrow.


I don't have any blood left, so you can get out.

I was in the neighborhood.

What's new? How are you doing?

Fine. I'm doing fine.

I take your word for it.

Can I offer you something?

Cookie? Glass of water? Some morphine?

Thank you. I'll take a cookie.

David brought them.

They're that delicious diabetic kind.

It's all they'll let me eat around here.

I could be dead tomorrow. They're putting me on a diet.

I can still make you laugh, can't I?

When you wanted to, you could make me laugh. Right from the beginning.

I was one charming guy, wasn't I?

To everybody except my mother. Shit.

What were we, Max?

Two kids who thought if you went on a couple of dates, you got married.

What couple of dates? We went out eight or nine times!

We had plenty of laughs.

I tried to teach you how to drive that old Hudson.

I wish there were more things like that.

More moments.

We lived together a long time, Max, but we were never friends.

Lorraine, you didn't know how to have fun.

Why didn't you teach me? I tried.

I tried a million goddamn times! No, just a few times!

Then you just gave up on me. You did the same thing!

Why didn't we talk, Max?

Why didn't we tell each other how we felt?

Do you know what we were, Max?

We were roommates.

Goddamn you for doing what you did to yourself!

What you did to us.

Oh, God, what happened to us, Max?

I cared.

I know I cared.

Bullshit.


I'm here, Dad.

You're here.

It's a Honduran, Dad.

In case they give you time for a smoke break.

Excuse me. We have to take him to surgery now.


You look so distinguished, Charlie. It's coming along great.

Could we have some makeup? We have a bit of a shine.

Thanks.

Everyone must leave. He has a call. I'll be back.

Everybody, let's take five minutes. Thank you.

David, how is he?

He lost his toes and part of one foot...

...but he can walk again with a cane.

Thank God it wasn't worse. When are you coming back to work?

You're missing my photos with a naked head.

I don't know.

I don't know, Charlie.

Why don't you give my accounts to Ted Geller till I come back.

Babysitting him will drive you crazy.

Well, maybe.

But I want to get to know him.

You never know, he may get to know me a little too.

Good luck.

Thanks, Charlie.

Don't give up my window.

Bye-bye.

They'll put him to bed soon, sir. Thank you.


I filled the refrigerator, so there will be food when he comes home.

And I have some keys for you.

You'll be needing a second set.

I won't be coming back.

Your father might not get any better, David.

He's going to need a lot of care.

I can't...

I mean, he and I, it's just...

...impossible.

It just doesn't work.

I know, Mom.

Do you hate me for that?

No.

I do not hate you. You're my mom.

Call me.


Go get the car. Yeah.

The blue station wagon, right? Thanks.

I found you.

I'm taking Max home today. Your mother told me.

Thank you for coming around so much. That's okay.

You're welcome.

For your theater?

The school donated them. All three?

Well, it's a start.

The kids went to get my car. I parked in Detroit.

You're the only girl I dated that my parents liked.

I'm the only girl you dated that your parents ever met.

This is comfortable.

This is very comfortable.

I think so too.

Your son bought you a nice outfit. He's always buying me something.

Good luck. Thanks for the pen. You're welcome, Gina.

We're signed out. Paid the bill. Do you people work on commission?

The orderly will be at the elevator. Thank you.

You all right?

That Gina gives a good sponge.

Let's get out of here.

You're the last person I thought would ever come through for me.