Office Christmas Party (2016) Script

Are you kidding me?

Oh, Josh! Sorry I'm late.

That's all right.

Office holiday breakfast.

You guys have parties at 10:30 in the morning?

Less liability.

Apparently, people don't get drunk before noon.

Mmm. It's boring as shit.

But the partners want us there, so...

Sure.

Anyways, after a year of negotiation, your divorce is finalised.

These are the terms we agreed to.

The alimony, the house. Sorry.

Don't worry about it. It's only money.

It is only all of the money.

But it's the season for giving, right?

I know how you feel.

Oh, yeah? I didn't know you were divorced.

Oh, God, no. That'd be crushing.

Hmm. But I get it.

On one level, it must seem like, uh, "I'm signing away a huge chunk of my life

"that I'm never getting back."

That's it? No other level?

No, that's it. Uh, initials. Oh.

Hey. There are good things ahead for you, okay?

Yeah. Oh. Come here.

Thank you. Thanks, buddy. Merry Christmas.

Hey, what's this? My final bill's in there.

Is it? Oh, also my holiday card.

The wife had me and the kids dress up like members of One Direction. Pretty fun.

Mmm. Dynamite.

Yes, Mum, it is all done. I am divorced.

Well, you should tell Dad that she is not coming over for Christmas.

Why? Because we're divorced, Mum!

Well... Oh, Mum, don't worry about that.

I'm still gonna be fun.

I'm still gonna be fun Uncle Josh, you know?

Well, without doing that.

No, you can leave the Santa suit in the attic.

Why? Because I'm an adult and dressing up as Santa Claus would be embarrassing.

Hi. Unless, you know, you're doing it for charity.

Then it's... Then it's, um...

Sorry.

Tell Dad that I love... Oh!

That's lucky.

Just put me down for five bucks, okay?

Hanging up, Mum.

Hey, Carla, good morning.

You see something over there? What do you got?

I think that Starbucks attracts a bad element, Josh. Oh, yeah.

Listen. Give me the green light...

Mmm-hmm. ...and I'll shut it down.

Oh, I love that initiative. It's awesome.

Could you sign me in real quick, please?

I wish I could, but they got us sending you through these machines now.

Gonna replace my ass, matter of time.

That's never gonna happen.

These machines don't have your smile, Carla.

Make that money!

Josh, we have a situation.

Mary! How do you always just appear?

You're like a human pop-up ad.

Did you read my latest memo on appropriate work dress?

Uh, almost done. Don't ruin the end.

Well, some people didn't. And those people are Meghan.

Nobody listens to H.R.

Hey, Meghan?

I thought that I have been clear about the number of buttons that can be unbuttoned on a shirt.

You were serious about that? It's winter. Can we put Dancer and Prancer back in their stable?

Are you body-shaming her right now?

Some people here might find your outfit offensive.

Well, some people might find your outfit offensive.

And really confusing.

Oh, I thought it was clear.

This is a multi-denominational holiday sweater.

It has Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, the Buddhist day of enlightenment, and Boxing Day on it. Everyone's included!

Is everyone included?

What about, um, what about something for the Satanists?

Jeremy, come on. I... I admire the stand that you're taking, but let's schedule the protest rally for after the workday, shall we?

And, Mary, let's let it slide.

Thank you.

Good morning, everybody.

You can't silence us all.

I know why you took a medical leave.

It's hard for me to bring her out in public because she's so beautiful.

Hey, guys.

People put models on this crazy pedestal, but I think that's why, you know, Becca fell for me, because I just treat her like a normal person.

Good for you, man. Hey, so, um, are you gonna be inviting your fake girlfriend to the holiday party later?

I mean, I just want to make sure you have time to inflate her.

Okay, Becca's real.

And we're not gonna mix business with pleasure.

Sounds like he didn't invite her, dude.

Oh, my God, did you not...

Oh, no! I mean, I hope she's not imaginary pissed.

You won't get any more imaginary blow jobs.

Right?

Tim. Drew.

Hey, it's a couple days before Christmas.

Let's just try to keep it positive till then, okay?

We're totally positive. No, we're all about...

Totally positive that he is full of shit.

Hey...

You bring it on yourself, Nate.

You know, I do have a girlfriend.

I know.

She's a human woman, and we've done it.

Maybe just don't talk about her so much at work.

It's just gonna make those guys jealous.

You know, not only are you their boss, but you also have a hot girlfriend.

You know?

It's too much. I hate you. Yeah.

Have a good day. You, too!

Can you believe corporate raised the price in the vending machine again?

$2 for ginger ale?

They're trying to crush us like ants!

No, there's a lot of bad energy in this office.


Yo, Josh, what the fuck?

What the fuck, Tracey?

You changed the security code without telling me?

Yeah, I'm working on sensitive shit, and I don't want prying eyes.

I'm prying eyes? I'm your supervisor.

Chief technical officer, lead systems engineer.

Yeah, well, I'm the only one who knows how to hack the security panel, so suck my dick.

Nice. Okay.

What are you working on?

Oh, it's too complicated to explain.

What is that, subroutine for duplex compression?

Don't tell me that's what I think it is.

This is the future of Zenotek.

Hey, we should pitch this to Data City!

That's a theory.

You want to peg the company to a theory?

Man, you used to get excited by big ideas.

Now you just bunt, and ask for the same thing over and over.

I swing for the fences.

And I'm going to change the fucking game.

Okay. I need the specs for the Data City pitch, please.

Already done. Here.

Great. That was fast.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Hey, are you okay? Yeah.

Really? Because you seem a little off today. You seem a little weird.

Well... Oh, my gosh!

Today is the day, right? Hey!

Congratulations, you're free!

You gonna get a back tattoo and some skinny jeans?

Funds are a little tight, but...

It feels good to be free.

Yeah.

All right. Thank you for this.

Hey, J. Yeah?

I got you for Secret Santa again.

I know. I got you, too.

Oh, sweetie, that is so great! Mummy's so proud of you.

Hey, could you put your daddy back on the phone for a second?

Hey, Allison. Is he ready? You fucking motherfucker!

If I hear you let your stripper girlfriend put my children on her motorcycle one more time I will Gone Girl you so hard!

You can go in. I'll just go in. Thank you.

No, no, no. Don't try and sell this as some win-win situation.

This is not my first rodeo, okay?

Is that Data City? No.

No.

Rick, do you want this deal or not?

Because if you want him, you're gonna have to pay for him.

It's almost the playoffs, not the second week of the regular season.

Perfect. It's the right choice.

I am running a train on this league.

I... I don't think that that means what you want it to mean.

I'd love to talk to you about the Data City pitch, for later on this afternoon?

Yes, but first I want your opinion on something.

We've got kind of a crisis.

This is what corporate wants us to give everyone for Christmas. Just this.

Yeah, can't hand that out.

And I'm already feeling kind of a

"fuck you" vibe down there, definitely not Christmas spirit.

I can't argue with you there.

Good. I want to Secret Santa the shit out of the staff meeting. Come on.

Can we work and walk?

You're not cold without a big coat on?

No, I gain fifteen pounds every winter so I don't have to wear one.

Huh. That's a healthy choice. Not really.

Hey, are you bringing anybody to this wine and cheese thing?

Uh, no, I'll be there solo.

Good. Smart. So you can focus on Tracey, right?

Tracey and I work together. What are you talking about?

I'm just saying. I can't be your work wife forever.

Hey, how fast do you think you'd have to go to make that jump? Uh...

Boy, I don't know. In a car? Yeah.

I just never thought about that.

You know, your mind's like a drunk baby.

What do you think, 80 or 90?

What would Vin do? Vin Diesel? Or Tyrese?

They'd never make it, right? It's suicide. Unless you were going 120, you put a bunch of free weights in the trunk to even it out, you know, then you just catch air. Boosh!

"Fuck you, gravity, and you, Dom Toretto!"

Then...

...just a smooth landing, like a baby's buttocks.

I'd love to pick this up indoors.

You know, I've only ever seen the first film, so I don't know if I'm much help to you in this conversation. So...

Are you serious? Why am I just hearing about this?

We've worked together for eight years.

They only get more fast! More furious!

I love this place.

So, what would people want? Would they like... Ooh!

Is this UV? Is UV good or bad? I forget.

Not good for the eyes, no.

Does it do anything here?

Probably. Is this for teeth whitening? No.

Okay, what about this, right?

Everybody gets stressed at work...

...around this time of year.

Huh.

That could get you a sexual harassment suit.

What? Why?

Not everyone likes dildos for Christmas.

This isn't a dildo. It's a body massager.

Yeah, well, it's a circumcised purple penis.

It could be considered sexual.

Why is it like that?

Everything here could be considered sexual.

Hey, what about this for Alan from legal?

Well, Alan's bald.

It's so hard to shop for the bald.

Who are they? What do they want?

Hair.

You know, maybe we should just go get some gift cards.

That's exactly what we should do!

"Here's a gift card because I don't know you

"and I don't care and I won't get in trouble for it."

You know, when my dad ran this company, Christmas was actually a big deal.

At the Christmas party every year, he would dress up like Santa Claus, get everybody fucked up.

Yeah, you could back then.

He would throw gifts into the crowd.

Derek Peterson shattered his femur for a rotisserie set.

And that was before Boston Chicken was, like, a thing.

I've heard those stories. He took care of them.

That's what I want for my people. You know?

And I want that drone.

Clay, let me ask you a question.

You think that my management style is... Is too careful?

Uh, do you think that I bunt instead of swing for the fences?

I want to be completely honest with you, Josh.

I wasn't paying attention, so I didn't hear your question.

I can repeat it. I'd rather you didn't.

Because I can tell by your face that it's serious.

And I want to tell you seriously, it's almost Christmas. Relax.

You want some of this? I think so.

I don't think you do. You sure?

I think you better get moving.

Uh-oh. Here he goes!

Huh?

Eat that! Eat it, Clay!

Careful, careful, careful!

We're good.

Oh, no!

Oh...

Hey!


Ooh, somebody is getting fired.

Hey, uh, Allison? Right?

Yeah. I'm Fred.

I just joined accounting.

Hi.

Um, so, I saw that photo on your desk.

Are those your kids?

Yep. They're two and four. Oh.

I'm a single mum. Ugh.

That's great.

I was raised by a single mum. Really?

Yeah. If you ask me, Tupac was right.

"Ain't a woman alive

"that could take my mama's place."

I don't know that song.

Oh, shit.

Allison.

Where's Clay? He's unreachable.

He's participating in a conference... Summit...

Elon Musk, uh, tech participation... Relay.

Let's try that again.

Allison, where's Clay?

He's Christmas shopping. Okay.

I would like all department heads in the conference room in five minutes.

Tell him to stop looking at me.

Look away.

Ooh. No, he's cute. Oh.

Actually...

It's like the calling never stops.

I know. It's so annoying.

Ugh! You have got to be shitting me.

So the bartender says, "We don't see many gorillas." And the gorilla says, "Well, at $12 for a martini I can see why not."

You know a lot of gorilla jokes.

Yeah. Excuse me.

What's going on? Something's off.

Yeah, everyone's working.

Oh, shitster.

It's my sister.

There she is! My sister from another mister!

I'm kidding, our mother didn't start having affairs until the mid-90s.

What are you doing here?

Well, we were just going over your fourth quarter earnings.

And I wondered if I was missing something.

Probably.

Clay, why don't you have a seat?

Uh, no. It's my branch, so I prefer to stand.

Fine.

Allison, would you please remove Clay's chair?

Uh, sure. Thank you.

Sorry.

Thank you, Allison.

So we were all a little bit disappointed not to hit 7% growth in this last quarter.

But 6.5% is right on industry standard for the fall.

Mmm-mmm. You need to hit 12%.

Twelve? Twelve is the new seven.

What? Since when?

Since Dad died and the board made me CEO.

Oh. You mean interim CEO.

Shut up. Listen, essentially, this branch is failing.

6.5% is not failing.

Yes, it is.

We're doing better than Orlando.

I mean, half those jack-offs had mono last year, right?

Well, I closed the Orlando branch. This morning.

What?

I am sorry.

Damn it. I hate tension, and I...

I farted.

Wow. You are not selling enough servers.

You have no new ideas and there is no new revenue.

I have something new. Really?

No, you don't. Yeah, I do.

It's not ready. It is ready.

It's not ready. It is ready.

Uh, we can hear you. Yeah, sorry.

We can. It's a completely silent room.

Go ahead.

What's the most annoying thing about the Internet?

Pictures of people's kids. Linkedln invites.

My girlfriend's always on it. I have a girlfriend.

The lack of Asian male representation in porn.

Grumpy Cat. It's like... It's Garfield.

Oh, you know that orange with the human dick?

Oh, my God, what is this, Shark Tank?

Can you just get to the point, please?

It's getting on the Internet. Mmm.

So we can already connect to the Internet through standard electrical lines and obviously we can do it through the air.

But what if we could combine those technologies?

With Zenotek AnywAir, you can pull the Internet wirelessly from anything that's connected to a power grid.

Your appliances. Street lights. A light bulb.

You're never out of range, and you're never low on signal.

It's AnywAir.

We're in the future.

And you can deliver that?

I'm still figuring out some coding issues, but yes.

Well, how long have you been figuring?

Four years. Four years?

All right, well, that doesn't sound very real to me.

Well, if it was real, I wouldn't have to invent it.

I'm sorry, what's your name again? Tracey Hughes.

And if you forget again, it's on all of the recent patents for Zenotek.

Mmm-hmm.

You know what? I'm gonna sit.

Not because you told me to, but because I prefer it.

So...

Mmm-hmm.

Is there anything else? Actually, yes.

This is a sample cheeseboard for our holiday mixer tonight.

I know it's a little heavy on the Gouda...

That was the MVP last year.

Uh, I do have a feisty Cheddar on the bench.

I think that pairs better with the mulled non-alcoholic wine myself, but what do I know?

Wait, wait. I'm sorry. Excuse me.

You're having a Christmas party tonight?

Oh, it's not a Christmas party!

It's a non-denominational holiday mixer.

More inclusive.

Well, whatever the fuck it is, it's not happening.

Yeah, it's definitely... Well, it's not "happenin"' because it happens at 5:30 in the afternoon.

It's just a small thing that's really important to all of us, but trust me, it's gonna suck.

No, it's not gonna suck, because it's cancelled.

What?

All branch Christmas parties are cancelled.

It's a waste of money!

Come on. What are you guys not getting?

All right, it's cancelled.

It's not.

Clay! I mean it.

Me, too, Carol. Guys, the holiday mixer is cancelled.

Yes.

Hey! It's cancelled, Clay!

The thing is not happening at all.

I'm not messing with you.

Hey! Stop doing that!

Hey, idiot, I'm looking right at you.

I saw that! You whispered to the farty cheese lady.

Well...

Don't make me pull rank, Clay.

It is cancelled.

Fine!

Then this meeting is cancelled! Huh?

Damn it!

I was keeping it light in there.

That was light, huh?

You have to give her a break, Josh. She's hated parties ever since she started not getting invited to them.

Please. That party's the least of your problems.

Is that Dad?

No, Carol, I just have some random guy's ashes in my office.

Got it online.

Yes. He wanted them here, with me, at his branch.

I thought they were gonna divide him equally.

It's not my fault that he always liked hanging out with me more.

I don't care. I got this company.

Moving on.

We have a lot of big cuts to make. Okay?

Obviously, bonuses are cancelled.

You know, there's a lot of people that are relying on those bonuses.

I suppose you're still getting your bonus, though.

Secondly, I'm laying off 40% of your staff.

Forty?

Forty? We have 200 employees. That's like, 60...

Some... That's 80. It's 80.

Eighty. That's, like, 80 employees.

Uh, you got to give us a little bit of time to turn this around.

Fine, then you have until the end of the quarter.

That's two days. Is it? Oh, well.

This is unfair.

You wanna talk unfair?

How about Dad skipping my Harvard graduation to go with you to the X Games?

And you weren't even competing.

You just sponsored some guy's wakeboard.

He got the bronze. Which is brown gold.

All right, so I've made a list of my first round of layoffs.

So you might wanna get a pen and start writing these down. No. Let me see that.

No. No. Give me that.

No! These are my employees!

Guys, are we sure about this?

Say you won't make budget cuts.

I swear to God, Clay!

Here comes the loogie express!

Don't you dare! Say, "Everybody's

"gonna get a bonus," or else. You motherfucker.

Suck that back in. You suck that back in! You mother...

Clay.

Oh, my God!

Why do you do this to yourself?

You know I took nine years of Krav Maga.

Carol, you know, he's turning blue.

Yeah. Our family, you got to tap out.

Tap out. Tap out.

Okay.

All right. You okay?

Dad gave you a free pass your entire life, and you're not getting one from me.

The only way you're gonna hit your targets this year is by cutting jobs.

Hey, what if we landed the Data City account?

Data City? Walter Davis? That's right.

You do know that he's already met with HP, Cisco and Oracle.

Yeah, but he hasn't heard our pitch.

No.

Josh and I have been drilling into it for weeks.

Yeah. Months. Whole team.

And we have a meeting with him this afternoon. Yeah.

All right.

Well, I'm on a flight to London tonight.

So if by some miracle you guys can close Walter Davis and his $14 million contract by the time I land at Heathrow, the jobs are safe.

Done!

And you'll see, you're gonna look so stupid.

Then we'll finally have something in common.

Goddamn it! She's so mean!

People are saying "cuts." What kind of cuts?

Oh, nothing's official.

Guys, I can barely afford my rent.

I'm sleeping in a closet.

Don't panic.

You can't replace the new guy, right?

You're probably gonna go with people that are older, more expensive? Don't overreact.

I just bought that used Lexus, Josh. I can't give it back.

I put rims on it, man!

I have six parrots with very expensive medical issues.

You know this.

I'm gonna have to put one down.

Nobody is losing their jobs! Yeah.

That is a Josh and Clay Christmas promise.

Your promises are dog shit!

Boy, they turned quick. Yeah, they sure did.

Jesus. Incest and rape?

I mean, that is dark.

That could be a different Clay.

And Carol.

We got to land this pitch.

Okay, everybody knows what we're doing?

Sure. We're just pitching to save our company. No biggie.

And we're proving that my sister doesn't fuck me.

If anything, I fuck her! All right.

Yeah, listen, I get the spirit of that, but...

We at Zenotek put the "client" in client-server model service distribution.

And this is a leave-behind.

And we have some new innovation that we can talk to you about later. Later.

You got to... You got to go with us.

Okay.

Thank you for the pitch.

Just give me a beat, and I'll let you know my decision.

Okay. When you say "beat," you're talking about an hour or a day? A full day?

Certainly before the holidays, I'd imagine, right?

Listen, it's Christmas, so, I'll be honest.

Your servers are good.

Dell's servers are good.

So... You're gonna go with us.

I'm gonna go with Dell. Fuck!

Why? Don't.

I... I know your product.

My problem is with your culture.

Our culture is great.

That's not what I hear.

Word is you're closing branches and making layoffs.

That's not true. No, that's barely true.

A mixture of fabrication and rumour.

Look, I get it. You got to make money.

And every quarter you got to make more money.

And if you got to fire some people and cut back on some benefits to make it happen, that's what business is now, right?

And as long as the board has gotten its bonus and the stock is ticking up? Come on.

Sir, that's not who we are.

If you came to our offices, you would see that.

You should come meet our people.

Yeah, we're a family business.

Everyone loves everyone.

I mean, Clay and his sister, they're so close it's almost inappropriate.

We would love the opportunity to prove you wrong.

I'm sure you have wonderful cubicles and great carpeting, but I've done those tours before.

I'm gonna pass.

Um...

Thank you so much.

Oh, we got that.

Oh, no, they've already put it on my room.

And in addition to the breakfast my company won't pay for anymore.

Good luck, guys.

Great. That was uplifting.

He's saying we suck.

Our big closer was a thumb drive.

Yeah, but we don't suck.

We just need a way to show him that.

How are we gonna do that? We're gonna invite him to our cancelled wine and cheese night?

No, we should take him out for real.

I mean, you heard him. His company won't even buy him breakfast.

He's an old school guy who drinks scotch at lunch.

We should take him out and show him a great time.

So we'll hook him up with Don Draper, then go out and get a couple of steaks and an STD.

No, no, no. You're both right.

We show him a great time at our office Christmas party tonight.

What? I didn't say that.

It's not the worst idea. Right?

Of course it is. We don't even have an office Christmas party.

Carol said no to all discretionary spending.

She wants to lay off 40%. You want to double that?

My sister doesn't do anything at 40%.

She's just cutting off our legs so we can't run away when she wants to fucking curb-stomp our face.

This is the way we close Walter.

We throw the best Christmas party he's ever been to.

He loves it, he loves us, he sees we care about people, he falls in love with our culture, he wants to work with us.

This is how we save everybody's job!

I like it, Josh. Say yes.

He's walking away, unless you have a better idea.

That's your approval sigh.

Walter?

We have one more pitch for you.

Do you party?

I used to.


Okay, so we have to throw a massive party from scratch in five hours.

Yeah. And we got an office full of pissed-off employees.

You guys, I got this. I have a black belt in partying.

That's why I got kicked out of boarding school and two intensive care units.

Listen. Did you see this? "It's F-ing Christmas, B's.

"Let's get mother-F-ing drunk.

"Attendance mandatory." Yeah.

Lawsuit!

Mary, it's for the greater good, okay?

Oh, Joel, would you do me a favour?

Would you get Fred up to Clay's office?

Oh, yeah, sure. Thank you.

Wait! Yup.

I don't know if it's helpful, but regarding the music tonight, I happen to have a friend who's a pretty good D.J.

Great. Bring him.

See, we already got a D.J. Yep.

Um, so let me get this straight.

Now we're having this great party and we're getting our bonuses at it.

Yes, Jeremy, because you deserve it!

Maybe you shouldn't have promised them bonuses.

No, first rule of business:

Shoot for the moon and you'll land on the sun.

I'd love to know where you read that.

And let's just focus on closing Walter.

You know, Carol burned this place to the ground.

We are planting the seeds of a new dawn.

Smitty? Clay Vanstone.

No, I'm not dead. That was just a rumour, although well-founded.

How much alcohol can I legally buy from you?

Move out of my way.

I swear to God, I will drop this on your back. Move!

You know what?

Merry Christmas, you sweet motherfucker. Ah!

You're coming, yeah, Smitty? Yes.

Yes! Okay. You want this? No.

All right.

I'm keeping this lamb.

We need something else, something that will make us look cool.

Does anybody know anybody who knows the Kanye West?

No.

But my girlfriend does P.R. for the Bulls.

Okay, does your girlfriend have a friend who knows the man that makes us call him Yeezy?

Nate, what's up, man? Did you see?

Significant others are welcome at the party. Look at that.

Looks like we're finally gonna meet Becca.

Yeah!

Um, oh, shoot.

Uh, except she's working late tonight. Modelling.

Is she shooting the cover of Full of Shit magazine?

You know what? She's gonna be there.

You guys! Nate's girlfriend's coming!

Shit! Match, match, match. Match! Come on.

Okay. Um, what are we gonna do with these after the party?

Raffle.

For a failing branch, we're surprisingly productive.

Yeah, I just wish Carol could see this.

Uh, no, Clay, that would be very bad.

Yeah, you're right.

All right, go put on your party suits.

Yeah. Tonight's gonna be a great night.


Clay, I told you, I don't need to do any pre-game for...

Carol. Pre-game for what?

For the, uh, work session we got tonight.

And to complete...

We're closing Walter Davis, you know?

It's going really, really well.

Hmm. Phase one's complete.

Why don't you come on in?

I thought you were going to London.

I was on my way to the airport, but I thought I would stop by and have a tour of your bachelor pad.

Well, that didn't take long.

How did you know about my divorce?

Oh, you changed your emergency contact to "self."

And nobody single by choice would live this close to the freeway.

Is that robe why your wife left you?

What do you want, Carol?

I want you to work for me in New York.

You basically run this branch without the credit.

I will double your salary, you'll get job security, and a boss who doesn't end every memo with a quote from Aerosmith.

I could never do that to Clay, and I'm very happy where I am.

Really? Yeah.

I don't see happy.

I see crappy. And a rug that makes me sad.

Anyway, um...

I don't know, just think about it. When the branch closes, and Clay has a trust fund to fall back on, what are you gonna have?

Not much.

Merry Christmas!

Thank you. You got it.

Hey, man. Good to see you. Hi.

Eight years I've been working here. Turn around.

What are you hoping to find anyway, Carla?

What's your dream contraband?

I just like making you my bitch.

You can go. Thank you.

Josh. Wow! You look like Cinderella, if she joined the TSA.

Very, very nice. Okay, take a look at this, please.

Ooh, who's Mr December?

This is Walter Davis, he's a VIP.

I want you to do me a favour and let me know the second he comes in. Can you do that?

You will hear the sound of heavy flirting.

Or just a text. That'd be great.

And are you gonna join us later?

No, I doubt it. I have to protect the front lines, make sure no crazy stuff happens.

But if it does... I'm ready.

And you went with the yellow. Smart.

Right?

Hey.

How's everyone doing tonight? Great.

It's my birthday. Ah.

Really committing. That's nice.

Hey, look at that!

Hi. Hey, there, Susan.

Nice reindeer, right? How you doin'?

Throw that in coat check for me please.

Thank you. You look great. Oh.

Hey, Josh. Hey, Dean.

You... You thought you'd bring the kid, huh?

Yeah. We couldn't get anyone to watch him.

But don't worry, he has an iPad.

We could axe murder each other and he wouldn't even notice.

He'll just sit there with that dumb look on his face.

Yeah, that's the one.

Okay. Well, can you stick him in my office for me?

If you're cool with that. Sure. Well, not cool, but...

Have a good time. Thank you.

All right. Let's drop him quick, because these edibles are gonna kick in any second.

Hey, Mr Parker. Hey, Rodney.

Want a Zeno Punch? No.

Foam finger? Uh-uh, neither.

And, you know, we can skip this, too.

Good spirit, though. Yep. Okay.

Could I have a beer, please? Pretty great, huh, Jeremy?

Yeah, it's so weird, I feel like I'm still at the office.

Yeah. Oh. Thank you.


God, I know I haven't asked You for much in this life.

Granted, I was born rich.

And white. And male. And straight.

Except for that one time. But that's Las Vegas.

But tonight I need You to bless this party.

This party has to rock.

So we can get Walter's contract, so that everyone can keep their jobs, especially Allison. I mean, she is losing it!

And she has all my personal information.

And so that we can prove my sister wrong.

Show her that I am a good boss.

And will You say hi to our dad?

And tell him we really miss him.

And that I'm rocking his Santa suit.

Oh, and tell Prince and David Bowie how much they meant to everybody.

I mean, Labyrinth, Purple Rain...

They know.

All right, let's light this fucking candle.

Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas, Zenotek!

It's me, Santa Claus!

I'ma comin' to town for an epic night. Yay!

Santa!

That's okay, we'll get there.

Watch this, Greg.

Dean! Clear. I'm coming around.

Oh, shit.

Oh, God.

It's okay!

It's okay! That was part of it.

Okay, Santa, what an entrance!

Oh! Right down the chimney, folks!

Merry Christmas, bitches! Santa can't be hurt.

You doing okay? You all right?

That really did hurt, yeah... Are you sure?

But you know what, I had this for padding.

Holy shit. What the fuck is that?

Tell me that's not for something illegal.

No, no, no. Don't worry, this is all mine.

I rented one of those Money Tornados.

So for the bonuses later, I'm gonna make it rain like a hurricane.

Are you sure you're not getting carried away?

This seems like a lot of money you're spending.

Josh, this is Christmas, okay?

And if anybody knows how to work within a budget, it's me.

All right? And speaking of.

There you go. Hi.

Cool. Little Jesus.

Did you rent a live baby? Yeah, for the nativity scene.

What? It's cheaper than you think, okay?

Is it?

Oh, shit! DJ Calvis in the house tonight!

Oh, God, no.

Add my Snapchat: DJ Calvis.

Joel's friend looks just like Joel.

Ooh! Looks like some babies getting made tonight!

I'm not looking to get pregnant tonight.

Excuse me. Sorry. Sorry.

Joel, that's a red card for you.

Um, babies are not getting made tonight, not here on company property.

If you're going to have intercourse, please go beyond the flood lamps at the perimeter of the plaza and into the Rite Aid parking lot.

That's right. 'Cause we fucking tonight!

Joel. Language.

This is still an office, and even though it's dark outside, the rules don't turn off.

The rules may not turn off, but your inhibitions can!

I'm talking about take your pee-pees out and put 'em in some booties!

And remember that tonight the decisions you make will have consequences that will haunt you for the rest of your professional lives.

And, um...

And so have fun.

Yeah, Mary, way to psyche everybody up!

Main takeaway: If you're gonna fuck, do it in the parking lot.

Turn it up!

Hey. Hey! Someone cleans up nice.

Oh...

Yeah, I... I'm wearing the same clothes, from earlier.

Oh, yeah. I was just making a party joke.

I didn't want to go all the way home and then come back, so I just sat in my car and worked.

Oh, also I was waiting for my phone to charge.

Oh. So you're all charged up!

What?

I said you're all charged up.

Yeah, my phone.

Hey, the music is really loud.

Do you want to go somewhere and talk?

Uh, yeah. Okay.

This is Zenotek.

Oh, shit!

That's Jimmy Butler right there!

Who's Jimmy Butler?

Two-time All-Star. Best player on my fantasy team.

Fuck you, Butler!

I don't know why I said that. Oh, fuck.

These are great. You know what?

Why don't you give me your number and I'll text these to you.

Excuse me. Hey. Hi.

Jimmy, hey, this is Josh. Hey. How you doing?

So you the big man around here, huh?

I'm not that big, no. I'm feeling small right now.

Look at this. Good for you.

Here's the big man!

Jimmy Buckets. Clay Vanstone.

Thanks for coming to our Christmas party, man.

Of course. I've been trying to expand the Jimmy Butler empire into the tech space.

I'm thinking Jimmy Butler dating app.

Maybe Butlerbook? I like it.

Jimmyface? These are all good ideas.

Do you want to see the first processor that we ever made?

It's as big as a mini-fridge and it used to set fires.

It's upstairs with the good tequila.

Of course. Casamigos.

I'll save some for you.

Geek yourself out! He's really into technology.

Will you remind me, how do you know Jimmy Butler again?

Remember, I told you my friend does P.R. for the Bulls?

Yes! Yeah. Right.

I thought that bringing a famous basketball player would help with Walter.

Ah. You're cool with that, right?

Why wouldn't I be cool?

It's the greatest idea in the world.

Of course I'm cool.

Very cool. Please. Okay.

Yeah. Mr Cool. I graduated valedictorian from Cool University!

Good old C.U.

Mmm-hmm.

Okay.

"C.U." later!

Oh, Josh.


Savannah?

I think you mean Becca, right?

Uh...

I'm gonna be honest, I've never done this before.

Although my mum and I have watched Pretty Woman, like, a million times.

Oh, I love that movie! It's why I'm doing this.

Oh, wow. Yeah.

It feels kind of dirty.

You feel dirty?

You're my third client tonight. It's only 9:00 PM.

Oh, really?

So, um, you just have to pay my manager, and then we're, like, good.

Oh, yeah, um...

Got it right here.

Hi. Nate.

Nate? Yeah.

Hi, I'm Trina.

I don't do handshakes, I do hugs. Get in here!

Oh, my gosh, you guys are gonna have so much fun tonight. I can feel it.

You're already a couple. Hope so.

Already.

Is this for me? Um, yes, ma'am.

Oh, my gosh. Look at him. Prepared. I love that.

I'm not even gonna count it.

You know why? Mmm-mmm.

'Cause we're friends, right? Yeah.

Yeah, we're not fucking friends.

Oh, my God.

So if you're thinking of fucking with me, or with my girl, don't. Because I'm hella stressed out right now.

This week has been a scheduling nightmare!

My iCal crashed, and now all my appointments are set in 2019.

And in Hebrew.

It's a flawed program. I've been saying this for years.

Shut up.

My point is, if one more person pisses me off... One more...

I don't know what's gonna happen.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

We're clear?

Okay, so now, um, just have a good time.

If you use handcuffs, have a spare key, okay?

Jesus, we do not want to go through Thanksgiving again.

Um, hey, if you need me in the next hour, I'll be at Whole Foods.

Okay.

Alexei, open my fucking door!

Come on. Let's go meet your friends.

I can close it myself!

I'm a woman in 2016. Jesus.

Okay, Clay, incoming. I just got a text from Carla.

Walter's on his way up. This is it.

Okay, okay. So we need an employee to sit on my lap right when he comes up.

A cheerful one. Definitely not Jeremy.

Uh, sure, great plan.

Great. Good, good. Here. You try and get this on.

Hey, Walter!

Welcome to Zenotek. How are you?

I'm so glad you came.

Good to see you. Can I take your coat?

No, no, I'm good, actually. You sure? Okay.

All right. Walt, what would you like to get started with?

You know, we got a photo booth.

It's like getting your picture taken in a tiny house.

We love it.

Oh, uh, Jimmy Butler is here!

Jimmy Butler from the Bulls is here.

What? Come on! Where is he?

Do you want to take a selfie with him? Everyone's doin' it.

You know, I'm a Cavs fan, actually.

Oh. There's a good team.

This was a mistake. Hang on. Hang on.

No, no, no. Come on.

Now, a mistake would be to miss the salmon station.

Do you like salmon? Huh?

You want to swim upstream with me and go try some salmon?

What does that even mean?

You know what? Let's start with a drink. Come on.

Yeah. Are you thirsty? Clay, you want a drink with Walter?

One vibrator, please.

Okay. Here you go.

It's really a body massager. No, it's a vibrator.

Hey, Josh!

Oh, hey, Jeremy. This is Jeremy, our customer service manager.

Hi, nice to meet you. Mary just fucking cited me!

Okay? I thought this was a party.

If I want to dick tap Alan, I'm gonna dick tap Alan.

That's a timeless gag!

Never not funny! Okay, off you go.

She is like a poisonous fucking cloud of shit gas, like, just seeping into everybody's good time.

Every word she says makes my fucking haemorrhoids throb!

I want that on the record. It is.

He's in customer service?

Yeah, he's much better on the phone.

That's really where he shines. Here we go.

Hey, can we get a scotch? Um, Macallan, right?

Uh, no, dude. It's the eggnog luge.

Oh. Just the eggnog. Okay. Great. Well...

Uh, looks like fun. Ladies first.

Josh, I insist. After you. Well, I'm not much on eggnog.

Don't listen to this guy. He's Mr Fun.

He'll do anything for the party. So, come on!

Hey, everybody! Josh is gonna do the luge!

No, no. I don't think so. It's not for me.

Josh! Josh! Josh! Josh!

It looks like they want you to do it.

Should I do it? I'll do it.

I'll do it, I'll do it. Okay, let's do it.

This the luge right here? Here we go.

Here we go... Here we go...

Mmm-hmm.

Mmm.

Oh, God.

Whoo! Okay, Walter, your turn.

Where'd Walter go?

I totally got you deep throating him.

Oh, well, look at that. That's beautiful.

Where'd Walter go, huh? Clay, did you see Walter?

I don't know about that whole throne thing.

I mean, nobody liked the gifts, everybody was complaining and the lap-sitting got weird.

Oh, no.

What's happening?

Well, it's just not working.

If you took away everybody's drinks and turned up the lights, it just looks like we're at work. You know what I mean?

We need to get amped up.

We need to get them interacting.

You guys should do what you did at the party last year.

No. Not doing that. Come on.

No, that was lame.

No, no, it was fucking awesome! People loved it!

It wasn't. And they didn't.

Do it for the company. All right?

I'm gonna go give Walter party mouth-to-mouth.

Is he crying?

I wanted to give you this pamphlet which has a lot of good information about the signs and symptoms of sadness.

When I'm sad, I like to remember something my grandma used to sing.

It's about ducklings.

Mary, you wore a blue coat, right?

No, I wore my beige poof. Oh, that's it.

It's probably not a big deal, but I saw Meghan rifling through all the pockets.

No, no, no, no. My Bath & Body Works coupons!

Walter. Clay Vanstone, remember?

Hey. How are you?

I want to show you Zenotek. Ah. Yes.

You're a very expressive dancer.

Oh, thanks. Let me know if you want me to dance, like, sexy or something, you know?

Yeah. No, we're good. Okay.

Uh, hey, there's actually some guys I want you to meet.

Okay, great.

Let's just work out the money thing first, though, yeah?

Uh, I already gave Trina $200.

Oh, yeah, that's just for the first hour.

If you want me for the rest of the night, it's gonna be another $2,000.

Two grand? No. No way. Yeah.

The website clearly said it was $200 for the whole night.

Do I look like I'm $200 a night?

Okay, fine. I'll go to an ATM, okay?

Okay. Give me your watch as collateral.

It's my grandmother's.

I don't care.

Shit.

Holy shit.

That was just how daddy likes it.

Mmm-hmm.

Check it out.

You're a fireman.

Must be really nice to have a day care centre at work.

Yeah, yeah. Clay set this up when I was pregnant.

I think he just wanted an excuse to have Play-Doh in the office.

Shall we? Oh.

You are such a good mum. Aw.

Thanks.

I, uh, bet you'd make me finish all my homework before I could go outside and play.

Yeah, especially if you were being naughty.

Do I need to be punished?

Well, I guess that depends on your homework.

I bet you'd make me brush my teeth so I don't get any cavities.

Oh, we're still doing this. Okay.

I've been a bad boy, Mummy.

Okay, um, do you have some kind of weird fetish?

What? No!

No, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to give you that impression.

I just got carried away. Oh.

I just really like you.

Yeah. I really like you, too.

Something's happening in my diaper.

Okay. Fuck this. I got to go. Huh?

This is my nightmare. What?

So, yes, I'm in hell. No, uh...

So I'm gonna go. Mummy!

I mean, Allison. Don't leave.

Save that shit for the fourth date like a normal person!

Sorry.

All right, Nate, this is what you've been saving for.

Who designed this?

Come on!

Shit! Fuck me!

Yes.

I'm okay! Merry Christmas!

Okay. You ready?

Okay, you look ridiculous.

Is it the hat?

Hey. Merry Christmas, everybody!

Who's happy about the holidays?

Okay. Okay.


Hey, so, um, you dickheads want to buy some cocaine?

Yeah! We'll do that.

One cocaine. Want to do it with us?

Yeah! Yeah!

I believe in taking risks, Walter.

Zenotek, my company, believes in taking risks.

You know what we should do tonight?

We should do something that scares us.

Makes us feel alive!

Do you think you could swing across the dance floor with those lights?

What's that?

Like, if you grabbed every single strand, do you think that you could swing and then time it just right and grab all of those strands, then, like Tarzan, make it all the way to my office?

Merry fucking Christmas.

You know what?

This has been really great, and I thank you, but, it's time to hit the road.

Oh. Um, you can't leave yet, 'cause we're just getting started!


Hey! You got snow machined. That's meant to be lucky.

It tastes bitter.

It's just paper products. Let's get you cleaned up.

Great, great. So I guess we'll just take two and call you in the morning, then?

Is that, uh... Yeah, don't call me.

You on Snapchat?

We'll be up here if you want to come back up here.

I need some air.

Oh, also I have your Secret Santa.

Oh. Okay.

What are you doing?

Pissing off Mary.

# GreatestPartyEver. #OpenBar.

How do you spell "Hanukkah"?

Wait, who are you sending that to?

Oh, you know, everyone in Chicago.

You've never been up here?

No.

This is where I usually am during the sexual harassment seminars.

Oh, it's beautiful.

Oh, it's colder up here for sure.

And it's, uh...

Oh, man, it's higher.

Maybe let's go... Let's go lower.

And warmer. Come on.

Uh-oh. No. No, it never locks.

Wait, no. It never locks!

I bet you're also never up here at night, right? No.

It's all right, I came prepared.

So did I.

Your Secret Santa.

That's a lot better than where I'm keeping mine.

Excuse me. Mr Vanstone?

Have you seen this? Hi. I'm Rodney.

We haven't met yet. I'm an intern here.

I just wanted to say Merry Christmas.

Yes, you can have a job. Are you serious?

Yeah, party hire. Junior associate. Congrats.

Oh, my God. Mr Vanstone, thank you!

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Oh, my God. Yes? Hey, Rodney!

We're gonna get you a new name.

Done! I'll call my parents.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Hey. You okay?

Ha! I was down. I was having a bad day.

But now I'm lifting.

I'm seeing things. My mind.

The ideas are flying through my mind!

I'm feeling strong. Okay, good.

High five. Ha! Sure.

Ha-ha!

You can't keep Walter Davis down forever, baby!

Let's go get fucked up.

Okay, but not too much.

When I drink, a lot of bad things happen.

You know, my sister's horse goes missing.

My car is covered in horse hair and blood.

Fingers get pointed.

Smoke PCP as a favour. Beach burns down.

That ain't never been my problem.

Come on! Let's go get a drink! Yeah!

Oh, shit!


We're expecting blizzard conditions for 12 to 24 hours...

Just get me on a plane.

Get me on any goddamn plane, all right?

I have enough miles to orbit the sun.

I'm sorry, ma'am. All flights are grounded until the snow clears.

There's nothing more I can do.

Well, refer me to someone who can do something.

That would be God, ma'am.

Oh, Her.

Have a great holiday.

Shit.

Did you eat my Cinnabon?

No.

Where's your mother?

Bathroom.

What's your name, sweetie? Darcy.

Oh.

Hi, Santa.

Yes, Carol Vanstone. I'm here with Darcy.

I know. Terrible name.

And she's being a little shit here in the first class lounge.

So I think we should cancel all of her Christmas presents this year.

Yeah. And while she's asleep, why don't you take that doll, too.

Great. Bye.

May I have your attention, please.

Due to inclement weather, all flights have been cancelled.

Shit!

Fuck you!

Zenotek, you having a good time now?

You ready to kick this up a notch, huh?

Hit me with the horns, Calvis!

Old school.

Make some noise!

Yeah!

# Here we go now!

Is this not the best fucking party y'all been to? Come on down!

# Here we go now! Here we go now!

# Here we go, here we go! Let me clear my throat Yeah, get on up here.

Give it up for Walter! My main man, Walter!

Goddamn!

Get on up here, Mary!

Give me the mike. No, no, no. Give me the mike.

Give it up for Mary! No, no.

Mary, everybody, yeah!

You got to stop.

# When I say H, you say R

# H.R.! H.R.!

# When I say H, you say R

# H.R.! H.R.!

# And when she says H, you say R

# H.R.! H.R.!

Yeah!

# If y'all want to party like we do

# If y'all want to party like us

# Let me hear you say, "Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!"

# If y'all want to party like we do

# If y'all want to party like us

# Let me hear you say, "Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!"

Okay, that's part of it. Yeah!

She's what makes this company great, just like every motherfucker in here!

# When I say freeze, y'all freeze one time

# Freeze!

# Now let me clear my throat

# Special dedication going out to all the ladies

# And all the brothers in here!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

This is fun, right?

This has turned from charming into life-threatening.

I cannot believe that they are still not responding.

At least my death will give my parents something to talk about at the meal I'm gonna miss.

Going to your parents' place? Every year.

This is where not having any family actually pays off.

I get the whole city to myself.

It's like some kind of awesome plague came in and spared only me and the Chinese restaurants.

This is useless.

You gonna be solo, huh?

There's not gonna be a stocking on your mantel for Jimmy Butler at your place?

What are you doing? Nothing?

Just asking. You know?

You could have dated me, Josh.

But you freaked out and ran away.

I still had PTSD from my marriage just ending, so...

You'd been separated for a year.

I fucked up. Yeah.

Because you're an idiot.

I'm sorry.

I have been feeling shitty about it.

We should've done this a long time ago.

Yeah. Right?

Hey, Jeremy. Huh?

Hey!

Hey, man. What's up, guys?

Wow. Good thing I wasn't going number two, huh?

Yeah. Leave you to it.

This is my territory! Got it. That's clear.

They can't shut us down!

We're never gonna get shut down!

# When I say Zeno, you say Tek

# Zeno-Tek! Zeno-Tek!

# When I say Zeno, you say Tek

# Zeno-Tek! Zeno-Tek!

It's a Christmas miracle.

# When I say Zeno, you say Tek

# Zeno-Tek! Zeno-Tek!

# When I say Zeno, you say Tek

# Zeno-Tek! Zeno-Tek! #

I love this party!

I love this company!

And I want to work with you people!

What did he just say? Did Clay just close Walter?

Huh, he really is Santa Claus.

Yeah!


So, Carol. You know, that's my grandmother's name. Mmm.

No, I did not know that. Yeah.

Oh.

It's kind of an old-timey name. Don't really hear Carol much anymore.

It's like... "Hi, I'm Carol.

"I gotta get home before I miss my stories."

"Hi, I'm Carol. I heard about Pearl Harbor on the radio."

"Hi, I'm Carol. I died in the beginning of Up."

That movie?

Sorry, I'm just nervous.

My first night on the job. On the ol' J.O.B.

It's your first night? Yeah.

Driving?

First night driving the ol' Ubes.

It's a pretty sweet gig, though. Make my own hours.

You know, I could hook you up if you want to be an Uber driver.

I'm good. I already have a job. Thank you very much.

Yeah, but you could be CEO of your own car!

I am a CEO.

Of Uber?

Oh, my God. Is this Undercover Boss?

Is that a camera?

Am I on ca... Are you wearing a disguise?

No. This is not Undercover Boss.

I am not the CEO of Uber.

I am the CEO of Zenotek. Please just drive.

No shit. I just dropped off, like, four people at that party tonight.

I'm sorry?

They gave me three stars like a bunch of bitches.

Excuse me. What did you just say?

I said they were bitches. No, no. What party?

The party at your office. Everybody's like, "Oooh."

You son of a bitch, Clay. Yeah, bunch of bitches!

Can you just...

Can you move? Move!

The English band, the Optic Monkeys?

You were supposed to see them with your friend Lindsey, you were like, "I can't go," because you couldn't get a babysitter?

Did you hack into my emails?

Get the fuck out of here.

And never use that British accent again.

Allison, are you okay?

No! I'm not okay.

My ex-husband is dating a stripper, Drew is cyberstalking me, and Fred from accounting is like a human fucking AMBER Alert.

Don't I deserve to date someone who is nice?

Of course you do.

Allison, you're an amazing person.

You basically take care of this whole office.

And you do it every day, even though most people don't seem to notice.

So, yeah, you deserve someone nice.

Baby, I got your text. Ooh, I missed you.

Come on, let's dance.

Just hang in there.

Go, Rodney! Go, Rodney!

Nate!

Hey, man. Larry from shipping here actually has a really great story that he wants to tell you.

I was in the bathroom washing my face, and this girl came in, like, "I'll give you a handy for $40."

And the next thing I knew, my penis was in her hand and then she starts...

Okay, Larry, I know how a hand job works.

I had no idea you guys were together.

Wait, what are you talking about?

So Becca gave Larry a hand job in the men's room.

Goddamn it!

Ooh, ooh! I'm going next.

I'm inspired! I'm going next.

No, I called it. I called it. No, no, wait.

I'm so happy for you! Oh, shit.

I was about to do my balls!

Hey! What about the 3D printer?

Yes. Yes! Yeah?

I'm going first, I'm going first!


Excuse me. Excuse me!

Excuse me.

Raise your hands if you're keeping your jobs!

Raise your hands if you're gonna get a bonus!

Excuse me.

Clay?

Clay!

Oh, fuck.

Hey, sis.

Hey, hey, hey.

Carol, before you get mad, listen to what I did.

I said no party!

That's all I said. All you had to do was nothing, and you couldn't even do that! Couldn't even do that!

Carol, Carol, Carol!

This is not what you think, okay?

This is all for a reason.

Listen. We threw this party for Walter Davis, and we closed him, he wants to give us his business.

We did it. See?

I'm not a failure. I'm a good boss. The party worked!

Walter Davis? Yeah.

Is at this party? That's right.

Where is he?

I don't know. Where was he? He was just on the stage.

Oh... Guys? Guys!

That's not good.

Here we go!

Do it! Do it! Do it!

No, no, no. Shh!

What are you doing? Hey, that was my idea.

Not relevant. Walter? Hey, buddy!

Why don't you come down using the stairs?

No. Clay, it's like you said!

I want to do something that scares me. To feel alive!

Maybe not right now.

What did you guys do to him?

Let go of those lines, buddy!

I'm the king of I.T. buyers!

Whoo!

Oh! Shit!

Oh!

Oh, God.

So close.

Hey, Walter.

You were like an eagle up there.

You were free. You did it.

Did we win?

Yeah, we won.

Zenotek! Zenotek!

That poor guy.

What a day he's had.

First he gets fired and now this.

Wait, what? Did you say fired?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, he got fired at the close of business today.

He told me, like, two hours ago.

They shipped his whole branch overseas.

What?

I confirmed it with my H.R. Facebook group.

And they know everything.

Excuse me. Just to clarify, because I'm detail-oriented.

So you didn't get a contract with Walter Davis because he didn't have a contract to give.

Carol, before you get mad, here's the thing...

He wanted to work with us.

So... Clay. Clay!

Yeah?

I'm not mad.

You're not?

I mean, I was mad when Dad gave you this branch just as a reward for taking six years to graduate with a degree in... What is it?

Canadian television theory with concentration in Drake.

But this doesn't make me mad.

I feel relieved. All right.

Because it's over.

I'm shutting you down. Yeah, no, because it's late.

Allison got a clean-up crew for tomorrow. Uh-huh.

No, Clay. I'm terminating this branch.

I'm such a dickhead. I started to like this place, and then I get fucked. I get fucked!

No, no, no. Stop it, stop it. Carol, let's take one beat.

Look, look, Carol. Carol.

I fucked up, okay, so blame me.

But these are good people.

You can't close this branch. This is Dad's branch.

Well, you know what? He shouldn't have given it to you to fuck up.

Oh, and, uh, good luck trying to be Mr Fun Guy when you have to fire all these people.

Whoo!

I'll see you in New York.

Wait, what?

Did your little friend not tell you?

He's coming to work for me.

Yeah, right.

I never said yes to that job.

I don't recall you ever saying no.

Clay.

Clay, I never sa... Hey.

Clay.

Oh, hey, Clay... You told me you had a two-drink limit.

Yeah. You're right.

Now, y'all didn't forget about DJ Calvis!

Whoo!

I want to go back to the party!

Whoo!

Hey! What the hell?

I hired you to pretend to be my girlfriend, then you go and give all my co-workers hand jobs?

You hired me to impress your co-workers, and he was pretty impressed.

Listen, I want my money back. Well...

I'm sorry, what was that?

I couldn't hear you over my gun.

I, um, I want my money back. Oh.

I'm sorry. Customer services are not available right now, but perhaps I can address your grievance.

Um, everything's fine.

Would you say like a five on Yelp, or like positive three?

Five.

Five? Alexei!

Uh...

This is so funny.

Do that thing where you pull his asshole through his face.

Don't please. Shit!

Santa's gonna get fucked up tonight!

Who wants to party with Santa?

Who the fuck is that?

You know what, that guy is really rich.

And he's really stupid.

Well, then what are we doing with Spelling Bee here?

Get outta here. Go!

Hey, Santa! Wanna party?

Yeah.

Tracey! Tracey! Hey.

Tracey!

Hey!

Tracey?

Tracey, are you in here?

Oh, pardon me.

Hello?

Oh.

Josh, it's happening.

Good for you.

Hey, Tracey, which one are you in?

Hi. Carol offered me a job, but in no way did I say...

Josh. I get it.

She offered me a job, too.

What? She offered you a job? Yeah.

Triple the salary.

An apartment overlooking Central Park.

I got double and moving costs.

The real difference is I said no.

Listen, I'm not fighting with you about this.

It's silly. I didn't take the job.

Yeah. But you didn't not take it, either.

Because you need a safety net. Hey, that's who you are.

I'm happy for you. You should go to New York.

Is that what you want? You want me to go to New York?

There's a real human centipede situation happening in the men's room.

Tracey, please. Don't go.

Whoa, this is almost the whole marketing department in here.

Can I get a drink? Josh, Josh.

Josh, where's Clay?

Asswipe loses everybody their jobs and runs.

How much did he spend on this party?

He could have just given that money to us.

Clay sucks.

We should just kill him, like on that podcast.

Put the Red Bull down.

Respectfully, fuck you guys!

Sorry, that was too much, but...

Clay cares more about people than anyone I've ever met.

He was gonna pay your bonuses tonight with the last of his money.

What?

Yeah, he's broke. Clay is broke.

Who do you think paid for that bouncy house in accounting?

Training that dog to deliver the mail?

The zip-line? Doughnut Fridays?

It was all Clay!

He spent all of his money trying to keep this branch afloat.

And whenever I questioned him about it, he would say, "Treat your employees like they're your family

"and they'll do great things for you."

You guys, Clay just left to get drugs with Becca and her pimp.

Wait... Who's Becca?

Nate's whore. Hey, that's his girlfriend!

Nope, she's right.

Becca's a prostitute.

Oh, nice.

Oh. Nope.

Clay left to go get drugs with a pimp?

Yes. She has a gun and a serious mood imbalance.

Fuck. Carol!

We have a problem.

Yeah, you have lots of problems. Good luck.

Carol, excuse me.

Carol! Listen.

Clay has gone to get wasted with a psychopath, and he's got $300,000 strapped to his chest.

Ooh, that really does sound like a big problem...

For Clay.

You already lost your dad.

If you lose Clay, you'll have no one.

Trust me, that's not a place you want to be.

I don't care. What?

Oh, boy. This woman... What is wrong with her?

Really?

Guys! I don't know what to do.

Clay's not picking up his phone.

I think I can locate him.

This is so amazing to me, guys.

We can actually connect with, you know.

Yeah. Yeah. There we go.

Amazing. Absolutely.

They're full of shit, okay? They're not your soulmates.

They just hacked your Facebook.

That's horseshit! Unbelievable. So uncool.

Hey, wait! No, no, no, girls!

I knew you didn't like the Gilmore Girls.

Okay, I'm gonna need both of you assclowns to hack into Clay's phone so we can find him.

Come on, why would we help you, dude, seriously?

Yeah, why would we help you?

Because I'm your fucking boss, and I'm telling you to.

He can't touch him! I'll allow it.

Ooh, there's a car on fire. Did the Bears win?

What are you looking at?

Excuse me. Excuse me. Oh, Jesus.

Hey, if everybody's fired, let's burn this place to the ground, baby!

Hey! Hey, what department are you in?

I don't work here.

Let's do this, baby! Who's with me?

Fuck.

If I tell y'all one more time to back up, it's gonna be a problem. I'm not playing with y'all!

Carla! Carla! I need you to go upstairs and lock this shit down. We gotta go help Clay.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, fuck that!

The security guard was the first one to go in Die Hard.

Carla, this is the one you knew would come.

Be our John McClane.

I'm on it.

Hey.

In case it gets dark.

Who wants to get tased?

Okay, where's your car?

I took a cab. I thought we were gonna take your car.

No, I took the El.

Let's go get our Santa.

Great! Oh.

Come on! No, don't. It's a lift and pull.

You're jerking it! Jesus Christ, let me do it.

I'm pulling out. Oh!

All right. Yeah, it's... It's locked.

Thanks.

Get in. Come on.

What'd you get all over your seats?

Oh, no, it's from the parrots.

Relax, it's not poop. It's some...

It's genital secretions. It's mating season.

Oh. Should be dry.

Okay. Nate says Clay's on the South Side.

He is not gonna fuck this up for me.

The board will vote me CEO.

That is happening. So let's just do this, okay?

Can this thing handle snow? Oh, please. It's a Kia.

It's what God would drive.

Oh!

Guys, you know, the thing is, I told everybody they were gonna be okay, but then they weren't.

And so, I broke a Christmas promise, which...

Is basically the worst thing you can do.

I mean, it is so stressful being the boss.

Nobody ever talks about that.

No. No, not at all.

And if you want to complain about it, everybody's like, "Oh, boo-hoo you, rich Santa."

Yeah, no one gives a shit!

I can't call people up and be like, "Oh! I'm having a bad pimp day."

See, you understand.

I get clients calling me 24/7. Middle of the night, 3:00 AM:

Brring, brring, brring!

"Hey, I need anal, like yesterday."

Yeah, the same with me!

Except instead of anal, it's data storage.

Or, "I'm, like, chairing a PTA meeting.

"Can you have someone blow me in the gymnasium?"

Yeah, absolutely. It never ends.

Or, like, "Hey, your girl just stabbed me in the leg

"and now I'm bleeding out in the alleyway."

I don't relate to that as much.

It's mental, right? How much people lean on you?

And my sister wanted me to be a failure, and I was, so she's not gonna let that go.

That's the problem of working with family, though.

Yeah. You can never escape them.

You can never escape them.

But you know what, you're gonna be fine, man.

You know why?

'Cause you've got all that money, honey.

Yeah, that's the thing. I don't, actually.

I spent it all trying to keep the branch open.

All I have left is just $300,000 cash.

You have 300 grand.

Oh, my gosh. Whenever I'm that low in my account, I'm just like, "Kill me."

Uh, so where is the money?

It's on my person. It's safe. It's in your personal safe?

Okay, we're close. No, no, this is it! This is...

There's a spot! Right there. You passed it!

Careful. Easy.

Oh!

That's how you park a minivan.

Jeez! Very impressive.

Okay, Nate, are you sure about this address here?

Yes. 92765 Union Street.

That's where the pin is. Uh, Red Square Club.

Brian, I can see you fucking on my desk!

Uh...

I'll go see what's going on. Okay.

This is it.

Oh, my God.

Well, maybe he deserved it. Who knows?

Here we go, guys. Come on.

Quickly? Because I don't know what's gonna happen in there.

Last year I filed a sexual harassment complaint against myself.

Against yourself. Mmm-hmm.

Andrew, in the copy room, he was changing the toner.

And I pretended to drop something on the ground so that I could bend over and graze his butt with my nose.

And I did.

That doesn't seem that bad. And then I said, "If you don't fuck me, buster, I will ruin you."

Hmm. That's harassment.

That's why he quit.

You seem like you feel better. Here we go.

Wait! No, guys, we can't go in there looking like this.

Hey, Carol?

Why don't you give me your coat?

How we doing tonight? Private party. Members only.

Well, I'm a businessman.

These are my business ladies of the night. You hear what I'm saying to you?

They only come out at night.

Okay. Okay. Mostly for parties.

It's a beautiful language.

Nice, Carol.

Seems like an appropriate setting for an emotional rock bottom.

Oh, there's a back room.

Hi.

How you doing? Have you seen a guy in a Santa suit?

Fuck you. I don't tell you anything.

All right, now listen here. Nuh-uh-uh.

Hi. Me again. Where's Santa?

Fuck you.

You do not want to die at the hands of Lululemon here.

It'd be real embarrassing. You're a large guy, and she's made of nothing but salad and Smartwater.

Nope, no tap outs.

Back door? Thank you.

Bitch. What?

Was that too much?

Just a little. I loved it.

Let's go.

Hey! Oh, God.

Oh. Go. I got this. Go, go.

Okay. Enjoy.

Come on, let's party.

Vin Diesel ain't got shit on me!

Clay!

What did he say?

I think I know where they're going.

Let's get the car. Come on!

Let's go!

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Hey, Mary? Mary, get in the car!

Damn it.

# God rest ye merry gentlemen

# Let nothing you dismay

# Remember Christ the Saviour

# Was born on Christmas Day

# To save us all from Satan's power

# When we were gone astray

# Tidings of comfort and joy

# Comfort and joy

# Oh, tidings of comfort

# Comfort and joy! #

Oh, God. Yeah, I fucked up. I did.

I lost a lot of people's jobs.

I hurt a lot of good people tonight.

Oh, yeah, totally. Cool story.

Are we coming up to your apartment building on the left, to the right, or...

We're not going to my apartment.

Uh, yes, we are.

We are going to your apartment to go to the safe.

There's nothing safe about what we're gonna do.

Yeah, it's like you said, you know.

We need to escape them, so that's what we're gonna do.

Red light. What the fuck are you talking about? There's a red light!

That's a red light!

Oh, yeah!

We go right through 'em. They're just suggestions.

Can you look at that fuck? Oh, the fucking windshield.

Are you kidding? Not now!

That's the A.C., Josh. We don't need that right now.

What about that?

Oh. No, that's the recirculating mode.

How am I gonna run Zenotek without this Genius Bar?

You can get up here and help if you'd like.

Okay, my seat's getting hotter.

Mary, why do you even have a minivan?

You don't have kids. I buy in bulk!

Oh! It's them! Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, good eyes.

Oh, God! What's that smell?

I'm gonna be honest with you, I have been farting this entire time.

Oh, my gosh.

Okay, you know what, take me to your personal safe right now.

We don't need money where we're going.

Where are we going? For glory.

The Clark Street Bridge.

This time of night it'll be up.

We're gonna jump the bridge and never look back.

Okay, new game. Pull over.

Just pull over or I'll tuck and roll.

No, no, no. Trina, Trina. Just slow down.

Trina, I've been thinking about this for a while.

We can make this jump.

I let a lot of people down, but I'm not gonna let you guys down.

We're gonna escape our families and become anew!

Pull over right now.

Or I shoot you in the fucking brain.

Well, you can't shoot him, because then he's gonna crash the car.

Really, Savannah? Really?

Why don't you put it in an email and c.c. everyone, all right?

Make double sure everyone got it.

You know what, you should start a podcast, Savannah, called "Savannah Says Fucking Stupid Things Out Loud."

Clay!

Clay! Hey, listen, I'm sorry!

I was never gonna take that job.

Not good enough!

Do not jump that bridge.

I have to do this. Carol's right, I'm a fuckup!

Shit!

Pull over, you fucking idiot!

Or, the nice supportive version?

Pull over, fucking idiot!

No.

Hey, tell him to pull over, lady!

Look. Pull over! Pull over! Pull over! It doesn't work!

It's not working. None of it works!

Hey, Clay, you jump that bridge, I'm going with you.

What? No!

Yes, I am.

Did you say hit it at 80 or 90, Vin Diesel?

Put it into sport. Here we go.

Josh, I'm sorry that I said you were safe.

You don't have to do this. Yes, I do.

Josh, what are you doing, man?

You go, we all go!

Fuck.

I love America!

I am not gonna die in a minivan.

Hey, hey, hey! Get off the wheel!


We could've made that bridge, panty hose.

Where's Clay?

It was on your person.

What did we hit?

The collision severed the primary fibre line, as well as its backup, paralyzing Internet, DSL, and cellular communications citywide.

So if you haven't ordered your holiday gifts early, you may not be able to order them at all.

I quit, by the way!

You quit what? What, Savannah? What'd you quit?

Just a couple of normal girls here.

Move it, move it! Clear!

The Internet's down.

My brother needs a doctor!

Ma'am, you're gonna need to wait your turn.

Will you find someone that will help my brother?

All of you, just back up!

Back up. Make a single file line against that wall and she will be with you when she has a fucking minute!

You know, you trying to jump that bridge was really...

Brave? That what you were going for?

No. Stupid. I was gonna say stupid.

No. I... I would say brave.

A little brave. Yeah. Hi.

Hey, how is he? Oh. He's fine.

In fact, the doctor said that the crash actually fixed a previous fracture.

He's got... He's got this gift.

I don't... I don't get it.

Oh. Thank God he's okay. Oh, well...

So, maybe you'll reconsider firing everyone?

Once it gets out there that we caused this crash, the board finds out, my ass is fired. No one has a job.

So... Carol?

Is now a good time to exchange insurance information for the car stuff?

It's not. You know, we would've made it, by the way.

At the speed you were going? Comfortably.

Please. To make that jump, with that incline, you would have had to at least been going...

110. 95.

No, 95.

It's simple math. Oh. Well, okay.

It might be simple on paper, but you're forgetting the wind, the weight of the Kia, the four of us, bird cages...

I prefer to call them bird condos, and so do the birds.

Point being, you have to adjust your numbers to account for real world conditions.

Simple. Or did they not teach you that in hacker college?

You're right.

Thank you.

No, not about that.

Although hacker college does sound awesome.

It's AnywAir. I've been doing it wrong.

I... I've been treating the power grid as if it was a seamless source of Internet.

It's not seamless, it's messy. It...

But if there was an opportunity where the conditions were just right.

If we were inside of a vacuum. If it was still.

Oh, my God.

An Internet blackout. An Internet blackout!

Let's get you back to the office.

Yes! Come on.

I'm gonna text you that claims form, yeah?

I'm sorry, Mary. Go save the company!


Mum?

Dad?


Oh, my...

Oh. Hey.

Hey.

Carla!

Wassup? Morning.

I tased as many as I could, but...

Yeah. Well, I actually thought it was gonna be worse, so...

Uh-uh!

I see you, bitch! Uh-uh, bitch, I see you!

Your office was locked, right?

Yeah, of course.

What... What's happening? Did you guys find Clay?

Sorry. Old habit. Sure.

Okay. So, what... You're writing an algorithm that can respond to the grid in real time?

That's gonna take... Done.

Forever.

Nate! How's that server bank?

Still covered in beer! Five minutes!

I hope it's beer.

Hey.

Uh, about what happened...

All good. Everyone has their thing.

I know it seems weird, but I just crave discipline.

My family had no set meal times.

Yeah, it's cool. I don't need your origin story.

Promise me you won't tell anyone?

I'll do your taxes! Deal.

Great.

Oh, my God, the office. Hey, guys, I got doughnuts!

I got, uh, jelly and glazed and, uh, some other stuff. But no Cronuts, that's a bastard pastry.

I still hate your rules.

But your dancing is wild and free.

Like an unmanned fire hose.

Put your pants on.

For now.

Now, we can't fix the Internet if we can't get on the Internet.

Everything is down.

Okay, well, all the phones are working.

What about a dial-up modem?

Great. Now all you need is a RadioShack and a time machine.

Oh, the G1 had it, right? There's one in Clay's office.

I got the desk. Get the desk.

Okay, give me the wires. Plug it in here. Give me that.

Hey, I could use some of that giddy-up in H.R. if you two ponies are looking for a new stable.

I am looking for a new stable, Mary.

Thank you so much. We'll talk later.

Mary, you're showing a lot of neck.

Breaking your own rules.

It's a little skanky, isn't it?

Plug it in. Plugged in.

Uh, I got this D.J. equipment, if you want to use that for something.

Okay, that's not gonna help, but thank you.

All right, guys.

What now?

I press "Enter," it launches the protocol, and then...

And then everybody gets back on the Internet.

Hopefully.

Or I blow up the power grid.

So be ready for that. Okay?

Don't worry about that. Just hit "Enter."

Okay, guys.

Here we go.

Power's still on.

Yeah, I'm honestly shocked by that.

No Internet yet, though.

It could take a few seconds.

If it works, you'll have a connection alert.

No. No, nothing.

Nothing yet.

No? Anybody? No.

No, nothing.

Josh?

No. Just give it a little more time.

Maybe it wasn't ready.

Tracey, hey.

It's ready.

Still dead. Waiting for it. Still dead.

Is that you? Got it.

Got it! Oh, my God.

Yep, I got it. Oh, my God!

Was that you? I got it!

Yeah, I got it, too!

I got mine! Yeah. Yeah, there's mine. Holy shit!

Tracey! You did it!


Work never stops. You see that?

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Hello, yes. I am happy for you, but I do need you to sign a personal relationship disclosure form before this rounds first.

No. No, I don't think so.

Hey, Mary, sign this.

Oh. Oh, you know what? Um, I really like you, um, but maybe we could get, like, a cup of coffee first, or something?

Yeah! Totally.

That's what I meant by, "Sign this."

You know what? Forget it. Okay.

Glass of wine in a family photo?

Look at him in that suit. What a stud.

He wore that better than you.

Yeah, he did a lot of things better than me.

You're right to be pissed at me.

You know, I always got to do whatever I wanted and you always ended up with the shit end of the stick.

It wasn't fair.

I'm sorry, sis.

Thank you for that.

You never got to be the fun one, huh?

I mean, I could have. Right? Yeah.

Sure. I have... I have a fun side.

I've seen it many a time.

I mean...

Off the top of my head, I...

Remember that Thanksgiving that you taught everybody the real rules of Monopoly?

With the bidding wars and the strict time limit and...

Yeah, that wasn't fun. I know.

Hi! My pain is at a 9 or a 10 or 11.

Whatever on the chart, the...

That face?

So can I get some Dilaudid in another one of those little gelatine cups?

You can't buy those. I looked it up.

Huh. The Internet's back up.

What the hell is a Zenotek?

What? What?

Oh, my God! She did it. She did it!

Shut the fuck door! Oh.

I gotta tell you, I was always like, "Tracey, this doesn't make any sense," and she was like, "Words, words, words

"and some numbers." But she did it.

Oh, my God.

Wait. So, this means everybody gets to keep their jobs?

Everybody gets to keep their jobs.

Yes!

God, I am gonna be CEO.

Because you deserve it.

And you throw a great fucking party.

Yeah. I did, didn't I?

Oh! Walter. Walter.

Oh, hello. Hi.

Carol. Carol, nice to meet you.

There's my eagle. Hey.

I just want to thank you for the best night of my life!

Yeah? Yeah?

I'll see you on Monday.

Well, it looks like we just hired Walter Davis.

Well, he'll fit right in.

Wow.

Did you see that?

Oh.

What are you doing? Winner!

We weren't racing. Well, you weren't.

Why do you think they always make you leave a hospital in a wheelchair?

What are you guys doing here?

Well, we can't go to breakfast without you.

Come on, we're celebrating. Come on, let's go.

I'm in. Breakfast is the most important meal of the morning. Whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa.

We good?

Yeah. We're good.

I'll go back down. Your ankle is broken.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Yes.

Oh. You left this in your room.

Oh, I did. Thank you. I'm sorry.

And also this.

Oh, thank you, Doctor. Here.

No.

Wanna get out of here? Let's go.

Oh, no. I'm not getting in that. I ordered us an Uber.

Carol?

I don't mean this in a creepy way, but get in the van.

Yeah, we got to keep this train rolling.

No. Yes.

No! You cannot have alcohol on your medication.

Uh, fuck that. Drinking is medication.

Doctor, this is a... This is a work breakfast.

There will be no alcohol at all.

Okay?

Yeah.

I saw that.

Doctor, I assure you. I am in charge.

There will be no more partying.

I'm literally standing right in front of you.

I'm literally right here.

I just don't know what it is you think that I'm not seeing.

Doctor, I would never disobey medical advice.

Just go, just go.

It's an office thing. Here we go.

Merry Christmas. Let's go.

Let's roll it to the car.

Okay, Happy Holidays.

Thank you for your service, Doctor.

Okay.

Okay. You need any help working your way out of here?

Please, Josh. I was born in a U-Haul.

Hey, Carol!

Are you Carol? What? Uh, no.

Are you sure? You look like a Carol.

Can you not hear me? Carol!

Carol!

Ugh.

Cancelled?

Bunch of bitches!

You know red lights are just suggestions.

Are you smoking a marijuana cigarette right now?

Yeah! See, we made it through.

Let's do another.

Oh, not again.

Let me do it again.

Let me just do it again. I can do it.

Oh, damn it.

Shit, shit!

If you want to make it in this world, learn to lie better.

Your mother's never coming back.

Merry Christmas!

Okay, I'm gonna suck my dick.

She's gonna suck on this one, guys.

Guys, can we go back to one for sucking my dick?

I like it 'cause it looks like he's trying just a little too hard.

The artist?

I hadn't thought about the artist.

Was this not where you had the key to the city of Margaritaville?

I did it. I got rid of it.

Canadian cinema with a concentration in French-Canadian cinema.

Canadian music with a concentration in Rush.

Canadian linguistics. Eh?

He used all of his inheritance...

He used all of his inher...

He used all of his inheritance.

It's a hard word to say.

To keep this branch afloat with his in-her-i-tance.

"Hi, I'm Carol. I have the shingles again."

"I'm Carol. Has anyone seen my TV Guide?"

"I'm Carol. Change frightens me."

"We have to put Carol down. She's old."

Andrew from the copy room told me that he had mono.

I said I wanted to get mono because I wanted to take a month off from work.

And I kissed him deeply.

And I didn't get mono!

Okay, let's reset.

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