Office Space (1999) Script

Have you seen... I was told that if...

I was late again I would be summarily dismissed.


Mmm. No, no.

Just a moment.

Corporate accounts payable. Nina speaking.

Just a moment.

Corporate accounts payable. Nina speaking.

Just a moment.

Corporate accounts payable. Nina speaking.

Just a moment.

Corporate accounts payable. Nina speaking.

Just a moment.

Corporate accounts payable. Nina speaking.

Hello, Peter. What's happening?

Ahh... we have sort of a problem here.

Yeah. You apparently didn't put... one of the new cover sheets on your T.P.S. Reports.

Oh, yeah. I'm sorry about that. L... I forgot.

Mmm... yeah.

You see, we're putting the cover sheets... on all T.P.S. Reports now before they go out.

Did you see the memo about this?

Yeah. Yeah, I have the memo right here.

I just, uh, forgot... but, uh, it's not shipping out till tomorrow... so there's no problem.

Yeah.

If you could just go ahead and make sure... you do that from now on, that would be great... and, uh, I'll go ahead and make sure... you get another copy of that memo, OK?

No. I have the memo. I've got it... lt's right...

Hello, Phil. What's happening?

Um...

I came by here yesterday...

Four teams out on the Spanish point... discovered a shipwreck off the coast...

Milton?

Hi. Uh... could you turn that down just a little bit?

But I was told that I could listen... to the radio at a reasonable volume from 9:00 to 11:00.

Yeah. I know you're allowed to.

I was just thinkin' maybe like a personal favour.

Well, l... l...I told Bill if Sandra's going to... listen to her headphones while she's filing... then I should be able to listen to the radio... while I'm collating... so I don't see why I should have to turn down the radio.

Yeah. All right. OK.

I enjoy listening at a reasonable volume...

Thanks.

From 9:00 to 11:00.

Hi, Peter.

What's happening?

We need to talk about your T.P.S. Reports.

Yeah. The cover sheet. I know. I know.

Bill talked to me about it.

Yeah. Did you get that memo?

Yeah, I got the memo, and I understand the policy... and the problem is just that I forgot the one time... and I've already taken care of it... so it's not even really a problem anymore.

Ah! Yeah.

It's just we're putting new cover sheets... on all the T.P.S. Reports before they go out now... so if you could go ahead and try to remember... to do that from now on, that'd be great.

All right!

Just a moment.

Corporate accounts payable. Nina speaking.

Peter Gibbons.

Yes.

Corporate accounts payable. Nina speaking.

Just a moment.

I have the memo.

No. Not again. L...

Why does it say paper jam when there is no paper jam?

I swear to God, one of these days...

I just kick this piece of shit out the window.

You and me both, man.

That thing is lucky I'm not armed.

Piece of shit.

PEGG "Samir...

"Na-Na...

"Na-Naga..."

No. Thanks. Unh-huh!

Please.

"Michael... Bolton"?

That's me.

Wow! Is that your real name?

Yeah. Ahem.

So are you related to that singer guy?

No. It's just a coincidence.

Oh.

No one in this country can pronounce my name right.

It's not that hard.

"Na-ee" and then "anajaad." Nayanajaad.

At least your name isn't Michael Bolton.

You know, there's nothing wrong with that name.

There was nothing wrong with it... until I was about twelve years old... and that no-talent ass clown became famous... and started winning Grammys.

Hmm.

Well, why don't you just go by Mike instead of Michael?

Why should I change? He's the one who sucks.

Hey, guys.

What's up, G?

Wanna go to Chotchkie's, get some coffee?

Oh, it's a little early.

I gotta get outta here. I think I'm gonna lose it.

PEGG Uh-oh.

Sounds like somebody's got a case of the Mondays.

Boy, I tell ya, some days.

One of these days, it's just gonna be like...

Heh heh heh!

So, can I get you gentlemen something more to drink... or maybe something to nibble on... some pizza shooters, shrimp poppers, or extreme fajitas?

Just coffee. OK!

Sounds like a case of the Mondays.

What if we're still doin' this when we're fifty?

It would be nice to have that kind of job security.

Lumbergh's gonna have me work on Saturday.

I can tell already.

I'm gonna end up doin' it, because, uh... because I'm a big pussy... which is why I work at Initech to begin with.

Uh, yeah, well, I work at Initech... and I don't consider myself a pussy, OK?

Yes. I am also not a pussy.

They're gonna find out the hard way I'm not a pussy... if they don't start treating their software people better.

That's right.

They don't understand.

I could program a virus that'd rip that place off big time.

Yeah.

Big time.

Whoa!

There she is.

Peter, you know, you always talk about this girl.

If you're so obsessed with her, why don't you just ask her out?

Oh, I can't do that.

I'm just another asshole customer.

You can't just walk up to a waitress and ask her out.

Besides, I'm still trying to work it out with Anne.

Oh, that reminds me. I can't play poker on Friday.

Why not?

I'm gonna see this occupational hypnotherapist with Anne.

Dude, an occupational hypnotherapist?

I know. Anne wants me to go.

She thinks it might help.

Um...

You know, sometimes I think that...

I get thinking that she's cheating on me.

Yeah. I know what you mean.

Yeah.

What is that supposed to mean?

Nothing.

Why don't you just tell Anne that you're not into hypnosis... and you wanna play poker with us?

I can't do that. She'll get all pissed off... and, besides, I think the guy might actually be able to help.

I mean, he did help Anne lose weight.

Peter, she's anorexic.

Yeah, I know.

The guy's really good.

Yeah, well, I don't think any occupational hypnotherapist... is gonna help you solve any of your problems.

Hey, and speaking of problems... what's this I hear about you having problems... with your T.P.S. Reports?

Yeah. Didn't you get that memo?

Hey! Hey, guys! Peter!

Is that Smykowski?

Samir! What's he doing?

Oh, probably workin' on another heart attack.

I've been lookin' all over for you guys!

Have you seen this? I knew it. I knew it.

What? It's a staff meeting. So what?

So what? We're all screwed. That's what.

They're gonna downsize Initech.

What are you talking about? How do you know that?

How do I know? They're bringing in a consultant.

That's how I know.

That's what this staff meeting's all about.

It happened at Initrode last year.

You have to interview with this consultant.

They call them efficiency experts... but what you're really doing... is interviewing for your own job.

Every week you say you're gonna lose your job... and you're still here.

Not this time. I bet I'm the first one laid off.

The thought of having to go to the state unemployment office... and stand in line with those scumbags...

Shit.

You know there are people in this world... that don't have to put up with all this shit?

Like that guy that invented the pet rock.

You see, that's what you have to do.

You have to use your mind... and come up with some really great idea like that... and you can make millions... Never have to work again.

You think the pet rock was a really great idea?

Sure it was.

The guy made a million dollars.

You know, I had an idea like that once... a long time ago.

Really? What was it, Tom?

Well, all right.

It was a "Jump to Conclusions" mat.

You see, it would be this mat... that you would put on the floor... and it would have different conclusions written on it... that you could jump to.

That is the worst idea I've ever heard in my life, Tom.

Yes. Yes, it's horrible, this idea.

Uh, look...

I gotta get outta here.

I'll see you guys later... if I still have a job.

Yeah.

Our high school guidance counsellor... used to ask us what you would do if you had a million dollars... didn't have to work... and whatever you'd say was supposed to be your career.

So if you wanted to fix old cars... then you're supposed to be an auto mechanic.

So what did you say?

I never had an answer.

I guess that's why I'm working at Initech.

No. You're working at Initech...

'cause that question is bullshit to begin with.

If everyone listened to her, there'd be no janitors... because no one would clean shit if they had a million dollars.

You know what I would do if I had a million dollars?

I would invest half of it in glorious mutual funds... and then take the other half to my friend Asadulah... who works in securities...

Samir. Samir, you're missing the point.

The point of the exercise is you're supposed to figure out... what you would want to do if...

"PC load letter"? What the fuck does that mean?


Hey, Peter, man! Check out channel nine!

Check out this chick!

Damn it! Lawrence, can't you just pretend... like we can't hear each other through the wall?

Oh, sorry, man! Anne over there or somethin'?

No, but...

If you want to talk to me, just come over.

Hey, man, check this out, dude.

The key is early detection.

Tumours that are detected...

Aw, jeez, Lawrence.

Sorry, man. I thought you'd want to see this.

Doesn't that chick look like Anne?

Yeah.

A little bit. I...

Hey, she hasn't been over here in a while.

You two still goin' out?

Yeah.

I guess. L... I don't know.

Sometimes I get the feeling like she's cheating on me.

Yeah. I get that feeling, too, man.

What do you mean by that?

I don't know, man.

I just get that feeling lookin' at her, like... she's the type of chick that just...

Uhh.

Oh, I'm sorry, man. Look, l... l...

You know, I'm talkin' outta my ass.

Forget it. Don't worry. It's all right.

Just... I had a rough day.

Tell me about it, man.

Ohh...

Ooh, I gotta wake my ass up... at six a. m. Every day this week... drag up to Las Golindas.

I'm doin' the drywall up there at the new McDonald's.

Let me ask you something.

When you come in on Monday, and you're not feelin' real well... does anyone ever say to you...

"Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays"?

No.

No, man.

Shit, no, man.

You'd get your ass kicked, sayin' something like that, man.

Huh.

We still goin' fishin' this weekend?

Ah, Lumbergh's gonna have me come in on Saturday.

I just know it.

Well, you can get out of that easily.

Yeah? How?

Well... when a boss wants you to work on Saturday... he generally asks you at the end of the day, right?

Yeah.

So all you gotta do is avoid him... that's all right...

I got it... on the last few hours on Friday... duck out early... turn off your answering machine... you should be home free, man.

That's a really good idea.

Fuckin' "A," man.

Lawrence, what would you do if you had a million dollars?

I'll tell you what I'd do, man.

Two chicks at the same time, man.

That's it?

If you had a million dollars... you'd do two chicks at the same time?

Damn straight. I've always wanted to do that, man.

I think if I were a millionaire, I could hook that up, too...

'cause chicks dig dudes with money.

Well, not all chicks.

The type of chicks that would double up on a dude like me do.

Good point.

What about you, now? What would you do?

Besides two chicks at the same time?

Well, yeah.

Nothing.

Nothin', huh?

I would relax.

I would sit on my ass all day.

I would do nothing.

You don't need a million dollars to do nothin', man.

Take a look at my cousin.

He's broke, don't do shit.

Corporate accounts payable. Nina speaking.

Just a moment.

Corporate accounts payable. Nina speaking.

Just a moment.

Corporate accounts payable. Nina speaking.

Just a moment.

So, you should ask yourself... with every decision you make...

"Is this good for the company?

"Am I helping with..."

Is that the guy?

Yeah. We're screwed.

OK, then, um...

I'd like to go ahead and welcome, uh... a new member to our team here.

This is, uh...

Bob Slydell.

Yeah. Uh...

Bob is a consultant.

Yeah. He's gonna be sort of, uh... helping us out... a little here... asking some questions... maybe seeing if there are some ways... we can make things run a little more smoothly... around here.

Yeah.

Oh, and remember, next Friday... is Hawaiian shirt day.

So, you know, if you want to, go ahead and, uh... wear a Hawaiian shirt and jeans.

And I said I don't care if they lay me off, either.

Because I told Bill... that if they move my desk one more time... then I'm... I'm quitting. I'm going to quit... and I told Dom, too... because they've moved my desk four times already this year... and I used to be over by the window... and I could see the squirrels, and they were married... but then they switched from the Swingline... to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler... because it didn't bind up as much... and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler.

OK, Milton.

No, it's not OK, because if they make me...

If they take my stapler, then I'll... I'll... I'll...

I'll set the building on fire.

OK, well, that sounds great.

Uh, I'll talk to you later, all right? Bye.

Peter...

Good-bye.


Come on.

Oh, for cryin'...


Hello, Peter. What's happening?

Um...

I'm gonna need you... to go ahead and come in tomorrow... so if you could be here around... nine, that would be great.

OK?

Oh, oh, and I almost forgot.

Um...

I'm also gonna need you to go ahead and come in... on Sunday, too, OK?

We, um...

Iost some people this week... and, uh... we need to sort of play catch-up.

Thanks.

So I was sitting in my cubicle today... and I realised, ever since I started working, um... every single day of my life has been worse than... the day before it.

So that means that every single day that you see me... that's on the worst day of my life.

What about today?

Is today the worst day of your life?

Yeah. Wow. That's messed up.

I'm sorry.

Go on.

Is there any way that you could sort of... just zonk me out so that, like, I don't know... that I'm at work... in here?

Could I come home... and think that I've been fishing all day or something?

That's... really not what I do, Peter.

Heh.

However... the good news is, I think I can help you.

I want you to do something for me, Peter.

I want you to try and relax.

I want you to relax every muscle in your body... beginning with your toes to your fingertips.

Now I want you to relax your legs.

You're beginning to feel your eyelids getting heavy... as you slip deeper and deeper... into a state of complete relaxation.

All your cares and concerns are disappearing.

Deeper and deeper.

Way down.

Your concern about your job... melts away... way... way down.

Unh.

Now, when I count backwards from three... you'll be in a state of complete relaxation.

Your worries, cares, and inhibitions will be gone... and you will remain in that state... until I snap my fingers.

Three.

Deeper and deeper.

Way... way down.

Two.

Deeper and deeper...

W-w-w-way down...

Whu... whu...

One.

Oh, my God! Dr. Swanson!

Ew... ew...

Is he breathing? Call 911!

Oh! Where's the phone? Where's the goddamn phone?


Ahh...

Yeah, hi, it's Bill Lumbergh.

It's about... ten o'clock.

Yeah. Just, uh... wondering where you are.

Yeah. Hi. It's Bill Lumbergh again.

Uh...

I just wanted to make sure you knew... that we did start at the, uh... usual time this morning.

Yeah. It isn't a half day or anything like that... so if you could just go ahead... and get here as soon as possible... that would be terrific.

Ahh...

Yeah. Hi. It's Bill Lum...

Yeah. It's... Yeah. Hi. It's Bill Lumber...

Yeah. It's me again.

Uh, I was away from my desk for a minute.

Just checking in.

Hello?

Peter, what's going on?

Huh?

It's three-thirty. Why aren't you at work?

Because l... l...

I didn't feel like it.

Peter, what's gotten into you?

First, you just sit there while Dr. Swanson dies... then you walk out and embarrass me in front of my friends... and don't blame this on hypnosis, either.

That's total bull...

Listen, asshole. Nobody hangs up on me.

We're through.

Oh, and one more thing...

I've been cheating on you!

So, from now on, only use the new time sheets... if you've worked on two or more job codes in one day... and you need the extra columns to fit it all in.

Otherwise, use the old time sheets...

Where's Peter?

I heard he didn't show up this weekend.

Uh, I don't know.

...really, really help us out.

Who's that guy?

So, uh... any questions?

Hi. I'm Peter.

Hi. Can I help you?

What are you doin' for lunch today?

Uh, well, our specials today are blackened chicken.

It's actually right there on the board. Excuse me.

Hey, look who's back!

Table for three to...

I was askin' what you were doin' for lunch.

Would you like to have lunch with me?

Are you... are you serious?

Yeah.

Yeah. L... I don't think I'm supposed to do that.

Oh. OK, well, I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'm gonna go next door and get a table... and if you'd like to join me, uh... no big deal, all right?

And if not, that's cool, too.

OK? OK.

All right.

When you say, "next door..." do you mean Chili's or Flinger's?

Flinger's.

OK.

What you do at Initech... is you take the specifications from the customers... and you bring them down to the software engineers?

Yes. Y-yes. That's... that's right.

Well, then I just have to ask... why couldn't the customers... just take them directly to the software people, huh?

Well, I'll tell you why.

Uh, because... engineers are not good at dealing with customers.

Uh-huh. So... you physically take the specs from the customer?

Well... no. My secretary does that or the fax.

Huh.

So then you must physically bring them... to the software people.

Well... no.

I mean... sometimes.

What... what would you say you do here?

Well, look, I already told you.

I deal with the goddamn customers... so the engineers don't have to.

I have people skills.

I am good at dealing with people!

Can't you understand that?

What the hell is wrong with you people?

L...

Let's see... you are...

Michael...

Bolton? Yeah.

Is that your real name?

Yeah.

Are you any relation to the pop singer?

No, it's... it's just a coincidence.

Ha ha. To be honest with you...

I love his music. I do.

I'm a Michael Bolton fan. Me, too.

For my money, I don't know if it gets any better... than when he sings "When a Man Loves a Woman."

But you must really love his music, huh?

Yeah, he's... he's... he's pretty... He's pretty good, I guess.

You're goddamn right, he is.

Right.

So tell me, what's your favourite song of his?

Mmm...

I don't... I don't know. Heh heh.

I mean, I guess I sort of like them all.

That's a riot. I'm the exact same way.

But it must be twice as hard for you... being you have the same name as him.

I celebrate the guy's entire catalogue.

Anyway, let's get down to business, Michael.

You know, you can just call me Mike.

Hi.

Hey.

I wonder if I'm allowed to, uh, wear this in here?

I think it would be OK.

Would you like to sit down?

OK.

Ahh.

Wow!

This place is really... nice.

Yeah. Is it?

Yeah, my God, compared to Chotchkie's!

I like the uniforms better, anyways.

I like yours.

Ugh!

"We're not in Kansas anymore."

Yeah.

Really. Ha ha.

It's on your...

Ohh! Yeah. That's...

That's, uh...

That's one of my... My pieces of flair.

What's a "piece of flair"?

Oh, it's, uh, where, you know... like these suspenders and, uh, buttons, they're all sort of...

We're actually required to wear... um, fifteen pieces of flair.

It's really stupid, actually.

Do you get to pick 'em yourself?

Yeah, yeah, we do.

Although I didn't actually choose these.

I just sort of grabbed, you know, fifteen buttons.

I don't even know what they say. I don't really care.

I don't really like talking about my flair.

OK.

So, where do you, work, Peter?

Initech.

And... Yeah? What... what do you do there?

I sit in a cubicle... and I update bank software for the 2000 switch.

What's that?

Well, see, they wrote all this bank software... and, uh, to save space... they used two digits for the date instead of four.

So like 98 instead of 1998.

Uh, so I go through these thousands of lines of code... and, uh... It doesn't really matter.

I, uh, I don't like my job, and, uh...

I don't think I'm gonna go anymore.

You're just not gonna go?

Yeah.

Won't you get fired?

I don't know.

But I really don't like it, and, uh, I'm not gonna go.

So you're gonna quit?

Nah-uh. Not really. Uh...

I'm just gonna stop going.

What?

Uh, when did you decide all that?

About an hour ago.

Oh, really? Yeah.

An hour ago.

So you're gonna get another job?

I don't think I'd like another job.

Well, what are you going to do about money and bills and...

You know, I've never really liked paying bills.

I don't think I'm gonna do that, either.

Ahh... well, so what do you want to do?

I want to take you out to dinner... and then I want to go back to my apartment and watch "Kung Fu."

Do you ever watch "Kung Fu"?

I love "Kung Fu."

Channel 39. Totally.

You should come over and watch "Kung Fu" tonight.

OK. Great.

OK. Can we order lunch first?

Yeah. OK.

Took a stapler off my desk...

Anyway, sounds great, Bob. See you in a few.

Hi, Milton. What's happening?

Nothing.

I'm going to have to ask you to go ahead... and move your desk again, so... if you could go ahead and get it as far back... against that wall as possible... that would be great.

No, because I was...

That way, we'll have some room... for some of these boxes and things... we need to put in here, and, uh...

Oh. Oh, there it is.

Here, let me just go ahead and get that from you.

Great.

So if you could just get to that as soon as possible... that would be terrific, OK?

Thanks a bunch, Milton. Good-bye.

OK.

I could set the building on fire.

Peter. Michael.

What the hell's going on, man?

I thought you'd come in here and start shooting.

No. I just came to get my address book.

I'm not gonna stay.

I got a phone number, Mike, that I don't wanna lose.

What? Peter, you're in deep shit.

You were supposed to come in Saturday. What were you doing?

Michael, I did nothing.

I did absolutely nothing... and it was everything that I thought it could be.

I hope you have a better story for Lumbergh.

You're supposed to be at your interview with the consultants.

The who?

The consultants. What has gotten into you?

Oh, yeah... right.

Wait, Peter. You gotta postpone it, man.

Tell 'em you've been sick. Make something up.

Oh, no way. No, I feel great.

It's the best day of my life.

Next batter looks like a Peter Gibbons.

Uh-huh.

Ah, there you are. We were just talking about you.

You must be Peter Gibbons.

Uh-huh. Terrific.

I'm Bob Slydell. This is my associate Bob Porter.

Oh, hi, Bob. Bob.

Grab a seat and join us for a minute or two.

You see, what we're actually trying to do here... is we're just, we're trying to get a feel... for how people spend their day at work.

So if you would... would you walk us through a typical day for you?

Yeah. Great.

Well, I generally come in at least fifteen minutes late.

Uh, I use the side door.

That way Lumbergh can't see me.

And after that, I just sort of space out for about an hour.

Uh, "space out"?

Yeah.

I just stare at my desk.

But it looks like I'm working.

I do that for probably another hour after lunch, too.

I'd say in a given week...

I probably only do about fifteen minutes... of real, actual work.

Peter, would you be a good sport... and indulge us and just... tell us a little more?

Oh, yeah.

Let me tell you something about T.P.S. Reports.

Ahh...

The thing is, Bob, it's not that I'm lazy.

It's that I just don't care.

Don't... don't care?

It's a problem of motivation, all right?

Now, if I work my ass off... and Initech ships a few extra units...

I don't see another dime.

So where's the motivation?

And here's something else, Bob...

I have eight different bosses right now.

I beg your pardon? Eight bosses.

Eight? Eight, Bob.

So that means that when I make a mistake...

I have eight different people coming by to tell me about it.

That's my only real motivation, is not to be hassled.

That and the fear of losing my job.

But you know, Bob... that'll only make someone work just hard enough... not to get fired.

Would you bear with me for just a second, please?

OK.

What if... And believe me... this is strictly hypothetical... but what if you were offered some kind of a stock option... equity-sharing program?

Would that do anything for you?

I don't know. I guess. Listen, I'm gonna go.

Uh, it's been really nice talking to both of you guys.

Yes. Absolutely.

Pleasure's all on this side of the table, trust me.

Good luck with your layoffs, all right?

I hope your firings go really well.

OK. Thanks a lot.

Great. Wow.

So, Peter, what's happening?

Listen, uh...

Joanna, would you come here a minute, please?

Yeah.

I'm sorry I was late, but I was having lunch, and I, uh...

We need to talk about your flair.

Really? L... I have fifteen pieces on.

I also...

Well, fifteen is the minimum, OK?

Oh. OK.

Now, you know, it's up to you whether or not... you want to just do the bare minimum or...

Well, like Brian, for example... has thirty-seven pieces of flair on today.

And a terrific smile.

OK, so you want me to wear more?

Look, Joanna...

Yeah?

People can get a cheeseburger anywhere, OK?

They come to Chotchkie's for the atmosphere and the attitude.

OK? That's what the flair's about.

It's about fun. Yeah.

OK, so more then, yeah?

Look, we want you to express yourself, OK?

Now if you feel that the bare minimum is enough, then, OK... but some people choose to wear more... and we encourage that, OK?

You do want to express yourself, don't you?

Y-yeah.

OK, great, great. That's all I ask.

OK.

Right, so there's three more people... we can easily lose.

Then there's Tom Smykowski.

He's useless.

Gone.

Sounds good to me.

Here's a peculiar...

Uh, Milton Waddams. Who's he?

You know, squirrelly looking guy. Mumbles a lot.

Oh, yeah.

We... we can't actually find a record... of him being a current employee here.

I looked into it more deeply... and I found that apparently what happened... is that he was laid off five years ago... and no one ever told him about it... but through some kind of glitch in the payroll department... he still gets a paycheque.

So we just went ahead and fixed the glitch.

Great.

So, uh, Milton has been let go?

Just a second there, professor.

We, uh, we fixed the glitch.

So he won't be receiving a paycheque anymore.

So it'll just work itself out naturally.

We always like to avoid confrontation whenever possible.

The problem is solved from your end.

I'd like to move us right along to a Peter Gibbons.

Now, we had a chance to meet this young man... and, boy, that's just a straight shooter... with upper management written all over him.

Eech. Ooh.

Yeah. Um...

I'm going to have to go ahead... and sort of disagree with you there.

Yeah, uh, he's been real flaky lately... and I'm just not sure that he's the calibre person... that we would want for upper management.

He's also been having some problems... with his T.P.S. Reports.

I'll handle this.

We feel... that the problem isn't with Peter.

Mm-mmm.

It's that you haven't challenged him enough... to get him really motivated.

There it is.

Yeah... Ah, well...

I'm just not sure about that right now.

Yeah, Bill, let me ask you a real quick question here.

How much time would you say you spend each week... dealing with these T.P.S. Reports?

Yeah...


Hey, Peter, man!

Check out channel nine. It's the breast exams. Whoo!

Hi, Peter.

Oh, hi, Dom.


So... Peter... what's happening?

Ahh, now, are you going to go ahead... and have those T.P.S. Reports for us this afternoon?

No.

Ahh... yeah...

So I guess we should probably go ahead... and have a little talk, hmm?

Not right now, Lumbergh, I'm... I'm kinda busy.

In fact, I'm going to have to ask you to go ahead.

Just come back another time.

I got a meeting with the Bobs in a couple of minutes.

Uh, I wasn't aware of a meeting with them.

Yeah, they called me at home.

That sounds good, Peter.

And, uh, we'll go ahead and... get this all fixed up for you.

Great.

Hi, Milton. What's happening?

L... I didn't receive my paycheque this week.

Uh, you're going to have to talk to payroll about that.

I did and they said...

Milt, we're gonna go ahead... and move you downstairs into storage "B."

No, l... I...

New people are coming, and we need the space.

But there's no space...

So if you could go ahead and pack your stuff... and move it down there... that would be terrific.

OK?

Uh, excuse me...

I believe you have my stapler, please. Hmm.

You've been missing a lot of work lately.

I wouldn't say I've been missing it, Bob.

Good one.

Oh, that's terrific, Peter.

I'm sure you've... you've heard some of the rumours... circulating around the hallways... about how we're going to do a little "housecleaning..." with some software people.

Well, Bob, I have heard that. You gotta do what you gotta do.

We'll be getting rid of these people.

First, Mr. Samir Naga...

Naga...

Naga-gonna work here anymore, anyway.

And Mr. Mike Bolton. Nobody's gonna miss him.

You're gonna layoff Samir and Michael?

Yeah. We're gonna bring in some entry-level graduates.

Farm some work out to Singapore, that's the usual deal.

It's standard operating procedure.

Do they know this yet?

No. No, of course not.

We find it's always better to fire people on a Friday.

Studies have statistically shown... there's less chance of an incident... if you do it at the end of the week.

Peter, what we'd like to do is put you into position... to have as many as four people... working right underneath you.

This is a big promotion, Pete.

So you're going to fire Michael and Samir... and give me more money?

Uh-huh.

Wow!

Hmm. Yeah.

That's it. That's exactly what I need.

Give it to me.

Come on, you little fucker, let's go.

That's what I need. Let's do that.

Let's do exactly that, you little fuck...

Michael. Hey.

Listen to me.

What are you doing tonight?

Michael, there comes a point in a man's life... and maybe that time for you is now... when it doesn't hurt to start thinking about the future.

Uh, no offence there, Peter... but speak for yourself there, sport.

I'm not the one who's been flakin' out at work.

I know you had this religious experience or whatever... but get your shit together, or you're gonna get canned.

Yeah, and, uh, and l... Listen...

That virus you're always talking about... the one that could rip off the company... for a bunch of money.

Yeah, what about it?

Well, how does it work?

It's pretty brilliant.

What it does is every time there's a bank transaction... where interest is computed... There are thousands a day... the computer ends up with these fractions of a cent... which it usually rounds off.

What this does is it takes those little remainders... and puts it into an account.

This sounds familiar. They did it in "Superman III."

Right, uh...

An underrated movie, actually.

There were hackers that did it in the seventies as well.

So they check for this now. No, here's the thing.

Initech's so backed up with all the software we're updating... they'd never notice.

You're right.

Even if they wanted to, they couldn't check all that code.

Thumbs up their asses. Thumbs up their asses.

So, Michael, what's to stop you from doing this?

It's not worth the risk. I got a good job.

What if you didn't have a good job?

Cock gobblers!

Samir and I are the best programmers they got.

You haven't been showin' up, and you get to keep your job.

Actually, I'm being promoted.

What? I know, Michael.

It's completely unfair.

And I realised something today.

It's not just about me and my dream of doing nothing.

It's about all of us together.

I don't know what happened to me at that hypnotherapist.

Maybe it was just shock, and it's wearing off now... but when I saw that fat man keel over and die...

Michael, we don't have a lot of time on this earth.

We weren't meant to spend it this way.

Human beings were not meant to sit in little cubicles... staring at computer screens all day... filling out useless forms... and listening to eight different bosses... drone on about mission statements.

I told those fudgepackers I liked Michael Bolton's music.

Ohh. That is not right, Michael.

For five years now, you've worked your ass off... hoping for a promotion, profit sharing, or something.

Five years... of your mid-twenties now gone.

And you're gonna go in tomorrow... they're gonna throw you out on the street.

You know why?

So Bill Lumbergh's stock will go up a quarter of a point.

Ugh.

Michael, let's make that stock go down... and let's take enough money out of that place... so that we never have to sit in a cubicle ever again.

Your software works, right?

Of course it works. That's not the point.

Even if I wanted to, I wouldn't know how to install it.

I don't know the credit union's software well enough. OK?

Yeah. But Samir does.

But that's not much money.

That's the beauty of it.

Each withdrawal, it's a fraction of a cent, too small to notice.

But you take a few thousand withdrawals a day... you space it out over a couple of years... that's a few hundred thousand dollars.

It's like "Superman III."

"Superman lll"?

I have to leave now. I have to get my résumé ready.

For another job where they can fire you for no reason?

That's right. If I'm lucky.

I'm tired of being pushed around. Aren't you?

Yes, but I'm not going to do anything illegal.

Illegal? Samir, this is America.

Come on. Sit down.

Come on. This isn't Riyadh.

They're not going to saw your hands off here.

The worst they'd do is put you for a couple of months... into a white-collar, minimum-security resort.

Shit, we should be so lucky. They have conjugal visits there.

Really? Yes.

Shit!

I'm a free man. I haven't had a conjugal visit in six months.

So what do you think?

This thing is actually pretty fail-safe, Samir.

Samir?

You came here looking for a land of opportunity.

And this is the knock of that opportunity.

Tomorrow is your last day at Initech.

You have two options... unemployment or early retirement.

What's it gonna be?

I have a question. Yes?

In this conjugal visits, you can have sex with women?

Yep, you sure can.

OK, I'll do it.

That's what I'm talkin' about when I talk about America!

Can we discuss the plan?

OK, yeah, good, right.

It works like a computer virus.

All we do is load it into the credit union's mainframe.

It'll do the rest.

Get me that disk, and I'll take it from there.

Before we go any further, all right?

We have to swear to God, Allah... that nobody knows about this but us, all right?

No family members, no girlfriends. Nobody.

Of course. Agreed.

Don't worry, man! I won't tell anyone, either.

What the fuck is that? Don't worry. He's cool.

All right. Here's how I see it all going down.

Peter, congratulations. This is one heck of a promotion.

Thank you, Bob.

We'll get some people under you right away.


That was easy.

Yeah, I guess it was.

What'd you do with the...

Hey, man.

Oh, hey, Drew.

You guys hear about Tom Smykowski?

That he got laid off?

No, man, check it out.

Last week, after he found out he was getting laid off... he tries to kill himself by running the car in the garage.

Is he dead?

No, man, check it out.

His wife comes home early and catches him.

He tries to play it off like nothing happened.

I was having some trouble with the shifter here.

It's jammed.

L... I couldn't get it into drive.

L... l...I mean, reverse. You OK, Tom?

Then as he's lookin' at her... he decides he wants to live.

Yeah, I think I'm OK.

Right.

Seems to be working now.

See you later, honey.

Love ya.

But as soon as he backs out of his driveway... Bam!

He gets slammed big-time by a drunk driver.

Is he OK? Sort of.

Broke both his wrists, legs, a couple of ribs, his back... but he's getting a huge settlement out of this.

Like seven figures.

He's getting out of the hospital tomorrow.

He's throwing a big party this weekend to celebrate.

We're all invited.

I'm thinking I might take that new chick from logistics.

Things go well, I might be showing her my "Oh" face.

Oh, oh, oh...

You know what I'm talking about. Oh.

Yeah. Right.

See you guys there.

Wow, our last day at Initech.

I can't believe they had security escort us out.

It's not like we're going to steal something.

I stole something.

Oh, yeah. I guess we all did.

No, I stole something else.

What did you steal?

Call it a going-away present.


Who's got my keys?

I'm driving.

Everything is gonna be OK.

All right? OK?

It's fun, and it's exciting.

I gotta... I gotta go. All right?

Joanna's coming over.

Don't worry. You're worrying. All right?

Monday morning, we're gonna check the account balance.

Everything will be OK.

Don't miss Tom's barbecue. I'll see you there.

All right? Good night!

Back up in your ass with the resurrection

What were you guys celebrating last night?

Oh, um... l'm not really at liberty to talk about it.

I really can't.

So, when the subroutine compounds the interest... it uses all these extra decimal places... that just get rounded off.

So we simplified the whole thing... and we round 'em all down and drop the remainder... into an account that we opened.

So you're stealing?

Uh, no. No, you don't understand.

It's, uh, very complicated. It's, uh...

It's aggregate, so I'm talking about fractions of a penny... and, uh, over time, they add up to a lot.

Oh, OK. So you're gonna make a lot of money, right?

Yeah. Right.

It's not yours?

Uh... well, it becomes ours.

How is that not stealing?

I don't think I'm explaining this very well.

Um, the 7-Eleven, right?

You'd take a penny from the tray.

From the crippled children?

No, that's the jar.

I'm talking about the tray... The pennies for everybody.

Oh, for everybody. OK.

Yeah. Well, those are whole pennies.

I'm just talking about fractions of a penny, OK?

But we do it from a much bigger tray... and we do it a couple of million times.

So what's wrong with that?

I don't know. It just seems wrong.

It's not wrong.

Initech is wrong.

Initech is an evil corporation, all right?

Chotchkie's is wrong.

Doesn't it bother you that you have to get up in the morning... and you have to put on a bunch of pieces of flair?

Yeah, but I'm not about to go in and start... taking money from the register.

Well, maybe you should.

The Nazis had pieces of flair that they made the Jews wear.

What?

Look, we don't... l'm...

We don't have to talk about this now.

Let's just go to the barbecue, all right?

Michael, Samir, how you doin'?

Hey, Tom. Hello, Tom.

I'd like you to meet my lawyer Rob Newhouse.

Rob, Michael. Samir.

Peter! How are you? I'm glad you could make it.

Tom, hi. This is somebody I'd like you to meet.

This is, uh, Joanna. Hi.

Hi. Forgive me for not getting up.

Ooh, ooh.

Peter, come here a minute. I wanna show you something.

Well... what do you think? It's a prototype.

Huh... that's... that's exactly as you described it.

Uh, listen, I heard about your... your settlement.

Congratulations.

Well, thanks, Peter.

You know, I'm glad you're here, because I wanted to talk to you.

I know how you get depressed about your job and all, and...

I just wanted you to know that I know how you feel.

I used to be the same way.

Really? Sure.

Maybe I didn't whine as much.

But I bet I hated my job even more than you... and I'd been doing it for over thirty years.

Wow.

Just remember, if you hang in there long enough... good things can happen in this world.

I mean, look at me.

Thanks, Tom.

Ah, sure.

Conjugal visits? Not that I know of.

Minimum-security prison is no picnic.

I have a client in there right now.

He says the trick is... kick someone's ass the first day... or become someone's bitch.

Then everything will be all right.

Why do you ask, anyway?

Oh, no, we just...

It's a...

Hey, Peter. Drew.

That's something about old Smykowski, huh?

Yeah. Lucky bastard.

Hey, isn't that the girl that works over at Chotchkie's?

Yep.

Who's she here with?

She's with me.

Really? Yep.

All right, Peter. Ooh, ooh, right on.

Make sure you wear a rubber, dude.

Why's that, Drew?

Are you kidding me?

She gets around. All right?

She does, does she?

Oh, yeah, like a record.

Like with who?

Oh, let's see, uh...

Hell, Lumbergh fucked her.

Uh, let me see, who else?

Lumbergh?

What if you get caught?

Oh, I just don't know if this was such a good idea.

Maybe it wasn't such a good idea for you to sleep with Lumbergh.

What?

What are you...

Oh, right, Lumbergh.

Aah!

Oh... God... Lumbergh!

Peter, what is wrong with you?

That was, like, two years ago.

What? Did you know him?

Yeah, I know him. I know him.

He's my boss.

He's my unholy, disgusting pig of a boss.

Oh, he's not that disgusting.

He represents all that is soulless and wrong... and you slept with him.

Hey, that is none of your business, OK?

I didn't ask you who you slept with before we were together.

I don't care.

I didn't think you slept with guys like Lumbergh!

Listen to you.

Who do you think you are?

How dare you judge me?

I mean, what are you? You think you're an angel?

No, you're just this penny-stealing... wannabe criminal man.

Yeah, well, that may be.

But at least I never slept with Lumbergh.

OK, that's... l'm done.

I wanna get out of the car, OK? Stop.

Call me when you grow up.

Wait. That's probably never gonna happen.

So don't call me, OK?

Say hello to Lumbergh for me!

Hell, Lumbergh fucked her.

Lumbergh fucked her.

Lumbergh fucked her.

That is great.

I mean, she was seeing the "Oh" face for sure.

Ohh, ohh, ohh.

Ooh.

If you could just move a little bit to the left.

That's it. Great.

Peter, what's happening?

Um, could you give me those T.P.S. Reports ASAP, OK?

Oh!

Joanna. Yeah.

We need to talk.

Do you know what this is about?

My, uh, flair?

Yeah.

Or your lack of flair, because, uh...

I'm counting, and I only see fifteen pieces.

Let me ask you a question, Joanna.

What do you think of a person who only does the bare minimum?

Huh, what do I think? Um, you know what, Stan... if you want me to wear thirty-seven pieces of flair... like your, uh, pretty boy over there, Brian... why don't you just make the minimum... thirty-seven pieces of flair?

Well, I thought I remembered you saying... that you wanted to express yourself.

Yeah. You know what? Yeah, I do.

I do want to express myself.

And I don't need thirty-seven pieces of flair to do it.

All right? There's my flair. OK?

And this is me expressing myself. OK?

There it is.

I hate this job.

I hate this goddamn job, and I don't need it.

Oh, shit.

Shit. Shit.

Shit. Son of a bitch.

Shit. This is a fuck.

L... I...Shit.

What happened?

You tell me, Michael! It's your software!

Yes, it's your software.

Corporate accounting is sure as hell gonna notice... three hundred five thousand, three hundred... twenty-six thirteen, Michael!

Oh, shit.

They probably won't know it's gone... for another three or four days.

Michael! You said this thing was gonna take two years.

What happened? You said the thing was supposed to work!

Technically, it did work.

No, it didn't!

It did not work, Michael, OK?

OK.

I must have put a decimal point in the wrong place or something.

I always do that. I always mess up some mundane detail.

Oh! Well, this is not a mundane detail, Michael!

Quit getting pissed at me.

This was all your idea, asshole.

All right. OK.

Let's try not to get pissed off at each other.

Let's calm down, try to figure this thing out together.

We gotta close that account before it gets bigger.

WORKERS Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday, Mr. Lumbergh Happy birthday to you

Looks terrific.

Mmm.

Here, Peg, you wanna get everybody started?

Mmm.

Oh, that is terrific.

Just terrific.

Thanks, everybody. I really, really appreciate it.

It's very special.

Now, Milton, don't be greedy.

Let's pass it along and make sure everyone gets a piece.

But last time I didn't receive a piece and I was told...

Just pass.

OK, here. But this...

The cake... There's lots of cake?

The ratio of people to cake is too big.

I could set the building on fire.

Is there some way to just give the money back?

Hand them a cheque for the exact amount they're missing?

L... I think they'd figure that out.

Well, we have to do something.

Maybe we could launder the money.

That's a great idea.

OK, how do we do that?

I don't know.

I don't even know what it means. I was hoping you knew.

I think coke dealers do it.

OK, all right. Do we know any coke dealers?

My cousin's a cokehead.

Fuck.

We're in deep shit.

Yes, we are in very, very deep shit.

Milton. Yes.

What's happening?

Say, Milton, you know what'd be great?

But... no.

Since you're down here... it would be really great if you could just sort of... take care of the cockroach problem we've had in here.

That's really not my job, and I haven't received my paycheque...

For now, why don't you go ahead... and get yourself a flashlight and a can of pesticide... and crawl down...

Bill? We need you upstairs right away.

We got a big problem... big.

Some major glitch in accounting, a lot of money missing.

'Scuse me.

'Scuse me.

OK... but that's the last straw.

Here we go, here we go.

Uh, launder. "To clean," no. "To wash..."

"To conceal the source of money...

"as by channelling it through an intermediary."

"To conceal..."

That doesn't really help us, Michael.

I can't believe what a bunch of nerds we are.

We're looking up money laundering in a dictionary.

Yeah, well, you guys can both eat my ass, OK?

I can't believe Joanna slept with Lumbergh.

That's what I can't believe.

Yeah. You didn't know that? Yeah, you didn't know that?

A couple of years ago, before he moved to Atlanta.

You mean Ron Lumbergh, the Initrode guy? The young guy?

Yeah. Who'd you think I meant? Bill?

Her fucking... Her children would have hooves.

Ron's not related to Bill, is he?

Who's that?

All right, nobody panic.

Probably just Lawrence.

Good evening, sir. My name is Steve.

I come from a rough area.

I used to be addicted to crack... but now I'm off and trying to stay clean.

That is why I'm selling magazine subscriptions.

No, no. Wait a minute.

You used to be addicted to crack?

Yeah. Um...

Look, I'm very sorry.

I do not know anything about any money laundering.

We're not asking you about money laundering.

All we need is for you to hook us...

If he doesn't know anybody...

No. Wait a minute.

Look, you just give us the name of one drug dealer.

I could talk to him. I have good networking skill.

I lied.

All that stuff I said about being a crackhead... just helps me sell magazines.

I'm actually an unemployed software engineer.

You're a software engineer? Yep.

Things, they must be very rough for you.

Actually, man...

I make more money selling magazine subscriptions... than I ever did at Initrode.

Heh. At Initrode?

Wait a minute, you're not gonna tell anybody... about all this stuff we told you.

I mean, we know a lot of the same people. That's...

Actually, um, that all depends.

What am I gonna do with forty subscriptions to "Vibe"?

We never should have done this.

What were we thinking?

You know what I can't figure out?

How is it that all these stupid Neanderthal Mafia guys... can be so good at crime... and smart guys like us can suck so badly at it?

We're new to it, though.

If we had more experience...

No. You know what I think? I think we're screwed.

I think there's enough evidence... all over that building to link us to this.

Even if we could launder money, I wouldn't want to.

What we've done is bad enough.

We get caught laundering money... we're not going to white-collar resort prison.

No. We're going to federal "pound me in the ass" prison.

I don't want to go to any prison.

Why the hell did I do this?

I've never done anything wrong in my whole life.

We weren't thinking clearly... because you told us we were losing our jobs.

Now look at us, we're worried about going in a prison.

Don't worry about it. I'll think of something.

I'm going home.

Me, too.

You are a very... Bad person, Peter.


Lawrence, you awake?

Yeah.

You wanna come over?

No, thanks, man.

I don't want you fucking up my life, too.

In light of the senselessness of these heinous crimes... that you have committed against Initech...

I hereby sentence you, Michael Bolton... and Samir Naan... Nanadajibad... to a term of no less than four years... in a federal "pound me in the ass" prison.

Peter Gibbons... you've led a trite and meaningless life... and you're a very bad person.


Hey.

You're not working at Chotchkie's anymore, huh?

No, no. I got fired.

What happened? I flipped off my boss.

Some customers...

Actually, a line cook... but he just happened to be standing there, so...

I might be going away for a while.

Uh... to jail.

You were right about that computer scam.

That was a bad idea.

I'm gonna take the blame for it, I decided.

I'm on my way now to return the money... and leave the confession under Lumbergh's door.

Joanna, I want to apologise.

I had no right to get pissed off at you about Lumbergh.

Lumbergh is not my problem.

It wasn't even the right Lumbergh.

I don't know why I can't just... Go to work and be happy... like I'm supposed to, like everybody else.

Peter, most people don't like their jobs.

But you go out there and find something that makes you happy.

Yeah. Well...

I may never be happy at my job... but I think that if I could be with you... that I could be happy with my life.

I've been a real asshole.

But, if you'd give it another shot, I promise...

OK, shut up.

Whoa! Hey, what's going on here?

Get a room, you two! Ha ha!

I hate that guy.


Then Mr. Lumbergh told me to talk to payroll... and then payroll told me to talk to Mr. Lumbergh.

And I still haven't received my paycheque.

And he took my stapler, and he never brought it back.

And then they moved my desk to storage room "B."

And there was garbage on it, and...

Why don't you go back down and sit at your desk?

Mr. Lumbergh should be here any minute.

Mr. Lumbergh... Just go sit at your desk.

OK. But, l... I'm gonna just...

I have to take my stapler back... because I told him it's my stapler.

It's my stapler.

A Swingline, the brand I've been using for a long time.

Lawrence, you in there?

Whoa. Hey, Peter, man.

Hey.

So, I might be going away for a while.

Yeah, I know, man.

It's a bummer, dude. What can I say?

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, time to go face the music.

You take care of yourself if I don't see you, all right?

You too, man. Take her easy, bud.

All right.

Hey, Peter.

Yeah?

Watch out for your cornhole, bud.

OK, Lawrence.

Stay clear, now. Stay clear.

Holy shit.


Wait a minute. Let me take a look at that.

You don't want that, Peter, man.

That's toasted, man.

I think I know someone who might want this.

Hey, man.

Wanna go to lunch?

Brought mine in a pail... plus Joanna's supposed to come by a little later.

How do you like your new job?

Not too bad, not too bad.

How's Penetrode?

Initrode.

They're all right.

It's work.

Yeah, yeah.

Probably get you a job there.

No, thanks. I, uh...

I'm doing good here.

So, uh... We're gonna be OK, right?

Yeah.

I think the fire pretty much took care of everything.

I wonder if the money burn up.

It would be shame.

Yeah.

So you sure you don't want us to get you a job?

That's one thing I'm definitely sure of.

All right, chief.

You guys take care, all right?

All right.

Stay in touch, man.

OK. Will do.

This isn't so bad, huh?

Making bucks, getting exercise, working outside.

Fuckin' "A."

Fuckin' "A."

Excuse me. Excuse me, señor.

May I speak to you, please?

I asked for a mai tai, and they brought a piña colada.

And I said no salt, no salt... for the margarita, but it had salt on it.

Lo siento mucho, señor. Pinche gringo.

I won't be leaving a tip, 'cause I could...

I could shut this whole resort down.

Sir?

I'll take my traveller's cheques to a competing resort.

I could write a letter to your board of tourism.

I could have this place condemned.

I could put, I could put strychnine in the guacamole.

There was salt on the glass, big grains of salt.

Give a ride on the old bone roller coaster.

Aaaah!

Don't come back in a dress, man.

Ha ha ha. You big fag.


I'm working at Hooters now, you know... and it's very cool.