Once Upon a Time in the Midlands (2002) Script

WOMAN: It's like he's sort of going through a mid-life crisis but it's been lasting about 10 years.

HOST: I mean, do you think he's actually got any musical talent?

Well, I mean, he's all right.

He can play the guitar a bit and all that, but he's so into country and western.

I mean, it was all right when he was into progressive rock and everything.

I didn't mind that at all, you know, but we're just so different now.

I like Missy Elliot, I like Lil' Kim and I don't think Dolly Parton's had much to say for herself for a long time, you know?

How are things between you, Carol, in the bedroom department?

I won't let him in the house, so I'm not going to let him in the bedroom, am I?

Well, if he's not even allowed in the house I reckon there's a great deal the two of you need to talk about.

Fucking Vanessa.

All right, I think it's time we welcomed Carol's partner, Charlie.


Howdy, folks.


* I am the Midlands cowboy *

* I go from town to town *

* I wear my boots and Stetson *

* And the bad guys Wear a frown *

* I sing my songs *

* I right the wrongs *

* I wear this great apparel *

* Most of all *

* I wanna sing About my love for Carol **


Thank you.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: I think he sounds a bit selfish, and I think you need to start taking on some responsibility, Charlie.

How can you call me selfish? You don't know me.

I mean, I'm great with my kids.

I get them up, make their breakfast.

I pack their lunch, take them to school.

I pick them up, I bathe the lads--

But you need to earn money.

What do you know about it?

You've probably got no kids.

Who'd want kids with you?

VANESSA: Oh, I can't have you...

I can't have you insulting my audience.

CHARLIE: Well, she's insulted me.

VANESSA: I hope he doesn't talk to you like that at home, Carol.

CAROL: No, no.

Fuck, Carol.

Don't get me wrong, he is a good dad.

He's the best dad in the world,you know?

I've got my daughter, Donna.

He's not the father of Donna, right, but he took me and Donna in when she was a little girl and all that, and he's an absolute diamond and I love him.

I've been with him all this time...

Bad sister. but the thing is, I'm sort of getting to the age now that he was when we met and I sort of think...

You know what I mean?

He's going backwards and I'm trying to move us on...

Charlie, man.

HOST: Well, you say he's a great father, and as it so happens, we've got your best friend, Shirley, her daughter, Marlene, and your older daughter, Donna, all waiting backstage.

Come on out, girls!


Oh, fuck.

Hi, girls. Welcome.

Shirley, you're Carol's very good friend. Do you think...

I mean, there's obviously a lot of love going on here.

Do you think they stand a chance of making it together?

Um, I don't know.

I think they're both a bit mixed up, really.

Ah, baby.

You think they're confused?

Yeah, a bit, yeah.

Not as confused as you're going to be, Shirley, because...

Could we dim the lights, please?

We've got a surprise for you.

Where do you think your boyfriend Dek is now, Shirley?

Um, he's waiting with the car.

You think he's waiting with the car.

You're entirely wrong, because, ladies and gentlemen, let's welcome Dek!


SHIRLEY: Oh, my God!


What are you doing?

Oh, God.

It's been a year and a half now, Shirley, that we've been together.

What are you doing?

Oh, my God.

Shirley, you're a better woman than I could ever be.


No, than I could ever be with.

You're a wonderful, fantastic mother.

You're beautiful.

I love your hair and your little hands and your eyes, both of them, and... you're a role model and an idol and you're something to gaze down on like a... like a piece of nice art...

Oh, God. and I hope you'll make me the happiest man in Britain today by saying yes when you ask me to marry you.

Dek, I can't believe you're doing this now.


Yes, Shirley.




I can't, Dek. No.

There'll be more Face To Feltz after the break.

Fuck it.

Fuck it.

No, ta.

I got her to sign a T-shirt, you know.

I was singing on the TV show when Shirley, she said no.

Stop it.

It's not funny.

Watch my bloody hat.

Come on, Dek.

See you, Charlie.

You all right, Marlene?

Yeah, I just feel a bit sorry for Dek.

Don't be daft.

You didn't do nothing.

I did, Mum.

I helped him write that poem.

Marlene, why didn't you tell me?

I just wanted people to think I'd got a dad.

Hey, I really like Dek.

I know you do.

It's just not that simple, you know?

I know.

I know what you're doing, talking about me.

Can we talk, please?

I can't now. I'm late for work.

Don't go off like this, eh?

I can't fake it, Shirley.

You've wounded me.


See, I'm a laughing stock, aren't I?

No, you're not.

Yes, I am, Shirley. Yes, I am!

Come and sit down, please.

Sit down?

Sit down in my own house and be laughed at?

No way, Shirley!

I'm going to work now.

At least thereI'm going to get a little bit of respect.

Have a nice day.

Emerson, put these on him.

Boys, are you in that bathroom yet?

Come on. You better be in there, you know.

Not this again.

You little buggers, what have I told you?

I've told you time and time again, don't be doing that.

Otherwise I'm going to send you to your dad's, up to the pit.


Come on, you've got to get up.

I can't take much more.

You should have put a lock on the door, shouldn't you? They can pick the lock, Carol.

Phoar, it stinks in here. Come on, get up.

I want to put this duvet cover in the washing machine.

Oh, no! Oh, Donut, where's the back of your knickers?

No, stop! Look at that, look at that!

What's going on in here?

Donut, how could you?

You can fucking have him!

I knew you fancied him.

Get in there.

Get in that bathroom.

I love you.

There's only you.

Are any of us in the paper?


Is that you, Texas?

Yeah, we're working Saturday, okay?

Yeah, yeah, the old colliery club, yeah.

No, they've put their money down a few quid, but apparently they're not doing much business since the pit closed.

Okay, Texas?

See you Saturday, kid.


Get off the car, Donut.

Lean against the wall or on the curb or something.

Don't flipping flop all over the car.

You know the rules.

I've got things on my mind, Dek.

So have I, so have I.

Don't slam the door.

You ever worn a thong, Dek?

* They're on the road again *

* They're on the road again *


Fucking brilliant, eh?

Did you feel the brakes on that?

Hey, you forgot something.

How was it in the back, Billy?

Superb. Weren't it comfy? Aye, great.

That's real mock-leather, by the way.

Is it?

Yeah, and did you open any of the presents while you were there as well?

Fucking shite!


Fucking hell, man.

Where the fuck is he?

It was me that stole the car full of presents.

Jimmy, come on.

Hey, Jimmy! Ta-da!

Is that you, you fanny?

Get in the car. You're driving, come on.

What the fuck is it? A fucking Mini on acid?

Aye, that'll be fucking right.

Come on, Jimmy, hurry up, would you?

Jumbo, you fucking...

You're sitting on... Look at that.

Tickets to the Krankies.

They're mine. I want them.


This isn't happening, man.

It's all the waiting.

I've been planning this heist for months.

We've got one chance.

Anybody fancy a McChuckle burger?

I'm fucking starving, by the way.

Aye. Aye.

I'm hungry as well.

No, you can't have a Chuckle McBurger.

Why not?

Whoa, whoa.

Here we go, boys.

On three.

One, two... three.

Oh, excuse me, pal. Give us the money.

Fuck off.

Give us the fucking case. Fuck off.

Give us the fucking case!

Fuck off. Give us the case!

Let it go, you fucking twat.

One-two, Dougy, one-two.


That's the fucking busies.


Come on, then.

Come on, Billy!

Ah, fuck this.


Jimmy, you fucking bastard!

Wait till I get you!


Run! Run for your life!

Come on, lads. Flipping heck.

You're wearing the tread on them.

DEK: Can you put me through to the Face To Feltz guest help line?


That's right, yeah, she turned me down.

Yeah, so how do we go about this now?

Do we...

Is it I talk and you listen and then you...

When I stop, you tell me what's wrong with me?

Okay, then shall I start now?

Come on, Jimmy.

They'd have done the same thing, man.

Fuck, they'd seen your face, man.

Seen a bit of your face.

Ah, fuck it.

Fuck them, man. They're bastards anyway.

Bet they've fucking grassed you up already.

Fucking face it, man. They're fucking scumbags.

I mean, you know it, I know it. Huh? Huh?

Jesus Christ, man.


Fucking face-painting money.

Thanks very much, Mr. Plonko.

See you later, MiniMini, fucking piece of shit.

DEK: I feel like a father to her daughter Marlene, and we're very much in love.

Very much.

Well, we were.

Well, we still are very much in love and she means the world to me.

She's an angel. She's...

Nottingham, mate?


Where did you get your outfit from?

Just bought it on the way home.

Did you?

Do you like it?

Yeah, I like it a lot, yeah.


Dek, are you still in love with me?

Are you still in love with me?


Of course I am. Don't be stupid.

Because I'm in love with you.

I'm still in love with you.

I love you. I love you.

I'm sorry I said no.


No, I am.

Is it all right?


Oh, my God, I'm getting so many looks.

Did you pay for them drinks? You did, didn't you?

Yeah, we ain't famous, Carol.

We're the only ones here that have been on the telly.

We saw you lot on the telly. Oh, I'd have died, Shirl.

Didn't you know he were going to do that?

No, I didn't know. We don't blame you, though.

He's not a patch on your last fella.

We were saying, weren't we?

Yeah, it's not really your business, is it?

Oh. Well, excuse me for breathing.

Yeah, well, at least someone asked her, you bloody swamp monster.

She gets on my nerves, that one.

Anyone want a lucky pen?

Hello, is that Perfect Pizzas?

Hello, Zak, lad, are you all right?


No, I'm just writing a couple of tunes, you know.

Yeah, no, I'm in on my own.

Can you send me a 12 incher 'round, please, son?

Yeah, and I know what I'd like to do with it too.

Thanks a lot, kid.


Oh, I'm sorry, darling.


What's wrong with me tonight? For God's sake. Where is it?

Huh? Where is it? Is it behind you?

Where's what? What? This.


Yeah, this. Yeah?

Yeah, this lad at school's got one, Dek.

Just take it to work or something.

If you're bored, play with your binoculars.


Just play with them, whatever.

All right.

I won't see anything anyway. It's dark.

Stop sayin' that. Okay, I'm doing it.

I'm going to do it now.

All right. Go on.

I can't see anything.


Why are you laughing?

Oh, you're just dead funny, Dek.

I know.


Skegness is my heaven, it's number 37.

Come on, it's destiny, isn't it?

Chips and curry on a plate, 38.

What do you need? 39.

Telling lies is naughty, 40.


We have a winner.

Oh, bloody hell, it's the swamp monster.

What are you looking at? Do you want a picture?

Just leave it, Carol.

No, I'm fed up with this bingo lark.

I'll tell you what. This town's a bit too small--

You twat!

That really hurt.

I'm going to the toilet. Come on, move.

Watch the drinks.

Ah, fuck the drinks.

I'm going to need a stitch in this.

Carol, wait up for us.

Stop being so bloody mardy.

Shut up. I've got a hole in the back of my head.

You've got hole in the front of your head as well.

Cheeky. Hold on.

That's how tumors start, you know.

Don't be stupid.

Yeah, you won't be laughing when I start spazzing out and frothing at the mouth.

* Oh, I'm on the trail I've escaped from jail *

* And I'm looking For Texas Tom *


Come on, kids.

Mum, hey.

What's the matter with you? My socks are itchy.

Can I go back and change them, Mum?

No, you can't. They're all right.

Here's your bag. Take your bag.

Give me that ball. You're late, you.

Well, bloody sue me, then.

Come on, boys. Let's go.

Mind your fingers.

All right, Marlene.

Dad, my socks are itchy.

Ah, well, I'll sort it out after.

File a complaint.

See you.

See you.

Okay, kids, here we go.

* Oh, I'm an old cowpoke *

* I'm always broke *

* I'm taking the kids Off to school *

* Give him two arms To cling to *

* And something warm To bring you *

* When the nights Are cold and lonely *

* Stand by your man *

* And tell the world You love him *

* He's giving All the love he can *

* Ooh, baby *

Charlie, wait. Charlie, can you just...

Bloody hell, Jimmy, you frightened the bloody life out of me there.


What the hell's going on, Jimmy?

You frightened the life out of the bloody kids there.

Get out, you dopey bugger. Go on--

No offense, Charlie.

No offense? What the bloody hell are you playing at?

I didn't have anywhere to sleep, man.

Didn't you? Well, I'm sorry about that, but that's not my bloody fault.

I'm sorry. I just needed to see her, you know--

Well, she doesn't want to see you like this, does she?

She's my daughter, Charlie. I know she's your--

Jimmy, I'm sorry, but look, we've got to get off, okay?

She's my wee lassie, Charlie.



CAROL: How did Jimmy look?

Jimmy's Jimmy, isn't he?

Oh, aye.

Where's my air rifle?

Oh, come on, don't be soft, Dek. Sit yourself down.

You told me he was in prison, Carol.

I believed you. Hang on. I never said that.

Yes, you did, you big, fat liar.

Hey, come on, there's no need for that, Dek.

Well, he's her brother, Charlie.

Yeah, well, he's her ex as well, in case you'd forgotten.

Did you know about this, Shirl?


We should call the police.

He's probably after Marlene now, ain't he?

This is my brother we're talking about.

He's only your foster brother.

He could have Hannibal Lecter's DNA strands for all we know.

You bastard. Don't you dare say that.

Get off. He bloody gets on my nerves.

Out of order there, Dek. You're out of order.

Welsh wanker.

I blame it all on that bloody Vanessa bloody Feltz show.

Should never have gone on it.

They never tell you that's going to happen when you go on.

You turn me down, and that just leaves the door open for him to come walking back into your life, don't it?

Now look what you've done, eh?

You all right?


Do you want to watch The Weakest Link?

Yeah, go on, then.

According to many people, the secret of successful entertaining is being in control.

Do you reckon I could have him, Charlie?


It's not funny.

Lads at work said he put someone in hospital when he was 12.

Is that true?

Look, it was just all schoolboy stuff, wasn't it?

I'll go and find him, okay?

No, don't go, Charlie.

I'll cook you some tea, mate.

It's crispy pancakes tonight.







What are you doing?

I'm going to get some lemonade.

There's some in the fridge. I don't like it.

There's nothing wrong with it. I don't like that one.

All right.

FEMALE ANNOUNCER: Miami is, without a doubt, the most stylish...

I'm going to go up to the garage and give the car a wash.

It's half price at night.

All right, yeah, whatever.

Jennifer Lopez, Donatella Versace, and many more...

Right, well, I'm going to go now.

Okay. See you later.

I'm going.


Do you want a spin, Donut?

No, just pick us up a kebab, please.

I'm not going through town, Donut.

You don't need to.

They sell them in the petrol station, frozen ones.

Oh, do they?

Can you get me a can of Red Bull while you're there?

Oh, yes. Get the lads something as well.

Oh, yes, the lads, yes.

Dek, will you get us a Twix? And a Twix.

Oh, and a spicy Pot Noodle.

Spicy Pot Noodle. Okay.

Don't forget to warm up the kebab.

Oh, no, of course not. I tell you what, Donut.

I'll swim to Turkey and get you a nice fresh one, shall I?

Just warm it up.

Can I just remind you all, I've been downstairs on my own, in my own house... Dek, just go to the garage. all night.



Come on in and have a cup of tea.


Maybe just sit here for a bit, Charlie.

I don't know what you're worried about.

There's only going to be me and you there.

Fucking hell.


Four chili wowsers, four chili wowsers, a cheese lollipop...

Jesus, man, you okay?

I've killed her. I've killed my baby.

Oh, you're all right, you're okay.

You're fine now. Am I still here?

Yeah, you're just in shock, mate.

Going a bit fast there, pal, you know.

Sorry, mate. I don't usually go that fast.

Hey, are you all right?

Charlie, man. Charlie.

I've killed Baby.

You know this guy, Charlie?

Yeah, Jimmy, this is Dek. Dek, this is Jimmy.

Jimmy, get your...

Go and get your bag, and you, pull your bloody self together.

Go home to Shirley, will you?

Hey, don't you be sick. I'm the one who should be sick.

Where am I going to get a door to fit this?

Houston, bloody Texas?




See him taking the motor away.

Yeah, I know, I've seen it from upstairs.

What a way for you and Dek to meet, eh?

Unbelievable, man.

So, what are you back for, Jimmy?

Should never have went away, Charlie.

Biggest mistake I made in my life.

Don't be soft, lad.

You were never happy down here.

I was never happy anywhere else, was I?

I wanted Shirley to say no...

when that fanny asked her to marry him on the telly.

Is there nobody who doesn't watch that bloody show?

Big chance for me, Charlie, man.

Last chance.

I'm going to lose you next, aren't I, Shirl?

Oh, what are you saying things like that for?

It's true. Why is it true?


Because Jimmy's back?

Says more about what you think of me, Dek, don't it?

Why do you think I'm going to want to go back to him?

He's like this... big mystery.

Like this Zorro figure waiting in the shadows, just waiting to pounce on me.

He's like a virus and I can't breathe--

Hey. Hey, stop it. Stop it.

I don't care about Jimmy.

He left us, Dek.

I'm with you now.




Come upstairs with me.

Yeah. Yeah.

You want an M.O.T.?


Full service?

Oh, yeah.

Respray or...


Who's that?

Don't know.



Oh, my God.

Oh. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, it's a pink plastic pig.

Your legs will never fit in there.

I can't.

I'm going to have to... I can't go out in that.

I'm going to lose business.

Babe, I can't.

You can.


* Tomorrow *

* Tomorrow *

* They say *

Know what you're doing? Yeah.

North Wales Champion four times running.

* And even though today *

* We will be parted *

* My love for you *

Hey, no, that's the upper body.

No, it's not. You can't use the upper body.

It's got to be in the arm. Well, do what I'm doing, then.

This is what you're doing. This is what he's doing.

No, he's not.

You're just being mardy because you're losing.

Ah! Cancel it. Cancel it.

It's gone. Cancel the game, that doesn't count.

You've pulled it, man.

You severed something from the bone.

He's only 17.

He hasn't been in a serious car accident, has he, Donna?

Neither have you. It was only a bump.

It was a near-death experience.

I had a car door this far... this far from my eye.

My eye, Donna.

If it wasn't for my... my guardian angel over there, I wouldn't have pulled through.

She's pissed, isn't she?

She is pissed.

We're in a new phase now in the relationship, and I don't mind her being pissed.

It's just another quality, isn't it?

Of her, of Shirley.


Thank you kindly, folks.

That was a request for Jeannie there behind the bar.

Shirley, my arm.

Shirley, careful, darling, please.

Shirley, stop it.

Come and have a dance, Dek, together.

Shirley, don't. Oh, come on.


Come up there and service me.

Okay, Shirley.

My arm, my arm!

* If you knew just how blue *

* That I get When I'm not with you *

* Oh, you'd cry A million tears *

* You'd cry *

* And if you start To break my heart *

* When you see That I'm falling apart *

* Oh, you'd cry A million tears *

* You'd cry *

* And if the raindrops Make a river *

* Then your tears Would make a sea *

* But your tears Would count for nothing *

Bloody hell.


My favorite sister. How are you doing, darling?

I'm all right.

They said you were back.

Am I not top of your list no more or something?

Fucking hell. Glad you're pleased to see me.

Well, I thought you were dead.

Made a comeback, didn't I?

Oh, are you all right, my duck?

I'm all right, duck. Well, all right, duck.

God, you won the lottery or something?

Just about, baby. Get yourself a new shell suit.

Oh, no, no, I'm not having that.

No, go on. Ah, go on, then.

I'm thirsty. I'm getting something to drink.

Oi, oi, get us a drink. Get me a lager.





Dek, I want to go home.

What, because of that wazzock?

No bloody way, babes.

Why can't you just leave us alone, eh?


Just take your new gay haircut and flip off.

CAROL: Oh, you can talk, peanut head.

It's all right, Carol.

I was leaving anyway.

Go on, then.

Well, you know where the door is.

Oh, Jim, don't go just because of that prat.

Come on, mate. Out you go. Right, come on.

Taxi for Wilson.

Get out of my way.

Mum, do you want me to come with you?

No, you're all right, babe.

All right?

CHARLIE: Sorry about that little disturbance, ladies and gentlemen.

Apparently someone's been given the correct change by one of the barmaids.


That'd be a bloody first, wouldn't it?

Okay, by the way, you've probably heard around the club, Stop it.

I've been forced to have a vasectomy.

I didn't want to do it, but the wife did.

Anyway, we asked the kids to vote on it and I lost 13-12.

Dek, are you all right?

You seem dead weird. No, I've just got wind.

Not bothered about last night, are you?

No. I'm fine.

Fine, then. I'll go.


Enjoy yourself. Yeah, see you later.

Come on, Dek.






Hello. Hello.

What do you want, Dek?


I know it's your birthday next week, but this is an early present and I'd like you to open it now.

My granddad gave it to my father, and my father gave it to me, and...

Dek, it's a man's watch.

Yes, it is a man's watch, Marlene.

The Queen gives her crown to her sons and it passes on down the family like that.

It's... It's a heirloom.

A heirloom, they call them, and, um...

I'd love you to have it.

You do like it, don't you?

Yeah, I love it. It's... silver and stuff.



It's like the crown jewels. I'd best be going to school.

Oh, all right then. Bye.

Tell the time.

I will.

Hey, baby.

What are you doing here?

Look, I don't want to cause you any trouble, Shirley.

I know Marlene's birthday's coming up and I didn't want to miss it.

Well, I am going to miss it-- I'm going back up the road-- but I just wanted to make sure she got her presents, you know.

Are you going back to Glasgow?


All right.

Mad the other night, eh?


Yeah, I was a bit drunk.

I felt something.

I thought I felt a wee... thought I felt a wee something, you know?

Thought you felt something.

A wee something.

You must think I'm really stupid.


I'm with Dek now.

He's great, and Marlene is great.

You know, it's really great.

I saw you turn him down on the telly.

I'll make sure Marlene gets these presents.

Between you and me, I uh... think he was knocking her about when they lived together.


Oh, aye, yeah.

Well, you can tell, can't you?

You know, terrible.

So what was the crack then, Boss?

What kicked it off?

Oh, well, I went white.


You did not go white.

Donut, I know what color I was, and it was white.

How do you know what color I was?

You were down the hall, dancing like a little girl.

So come on, then, Darkus.

What happened, man?

Yeah, what did you do, boss?

I didn't have to touch him, did I?

When you're like that, when you've got that...

I just walked across the hall. There he was by the bar.

Stood. He's only down there.

He's only that big.

Yeah, tiny little thing.

And you didn't hit him?

Didn't have to hit him.

Didn't have to hit him.

It's all in the silence of the... of the...

Zen, isn't it?

Come on, he used to be solid.

You're telling us he walked?

Well, he might have been solid when you knew him, but he ain't solid now.

He wasn't solid when he was faced with me, with that whiteness. I'd have given him another five, six seconds, and it would have, you know...

The whiteness would have gone to another color.

You know, I'd have gone...

Ha! You know, and pah, pah!


You should've done.

Isn't it?

I mean, I could've done, couldn't I?

Hold on, hold on, hold on.


Oi, Jimmy.

Hey, Jimmy.

What are you doing back in town, Jimmy?

Welcome to hell, Jimmy.

Welcome to hell.

You're messing with my family, Jimmy.

Dek, you got customers, mate.

You stay away from my family, Jimmy, huh?


Dek, you've got customers.

You got a customer.

Sorry to interrupt, boys.

Can we have a word?

I'm all ears, Jimmy.

No, in private, man.

A private word?

Do you want me to come back? No, no.

You stay there.

I'll have a word in private with you.

Would you like to come through to the office?

Think we should...

Do you think we should go and help him out?

Tea break, mate, isn't it?

Yeah, it's not really the time for it, is it, really?

Go on, then.

Say it.

Say what?


What do I need to say sorry to you for, you fucking fanny?

Well, maybe...

Maybe you shouldn't apologize to me, but you should apologize to Shirley.

She's frightened to death of you.

You've really scared her, Jimmy.

Now, I don't know what happened in the past between you and her, but I...

I think you used to knock her about.


It's going to get really nasty in here in a minute.

Look at the state of you.

You're not even half a man.

You think I'm going to let you take my Shirley away from me?

Are you fucking joking?


I'm going to take you right out of the picture, and it'll be before you know it.

All right, Tex?




Oh, sweet mother of God.

It's happening.

They're here.


Where's my suitcase?



Dek, what are you doing?

Just take the kid and go!

Dek... what on earth are you doing?

Dek, what are you doing?

Go to your room, get under the bed, and stay there.

Is this a joke or something?

No, it's serious, Marlene.

Go, go, go, go, go!



Me and my pals, we're down here looking for a mate of ours.

He lives...

In fact, I think he lives here.

His name's Jimmy.



Aye, we're friends of Jimmy.


He said we're great pals of Jimmy.

Well, I know it sounds a wee bit weird but we heard he was here--

I've not seen him. Not for three years.

Now, if you don't mind, I've got to go and see to my daughter.

Well, maybe if he's passing, you could give us a wee bell, eh?


No, get out!

Jimmy, you wee bastard, you!

My daughter's there, you bastards!

Have you seen somebody called Jimmy?

Come on, Marlene. Come on. Downstairs.

Jimmy! You wee bastard, you!


He's in here!


Out. Now.

I'll count to three.

One, two...

Okay, okay.

Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name.

Who are you?

Derek Slater, 98 Second Avenue.

And what the fuck have you come as, you big streak of piss?


I'm looking for Jimmy.


You seen him?

Not here, no.

So you have seen him?


Not here.

Now, don't fuck me around.


[WHISPERING] I've seen him in town.



By a river.

Are you taking the piss out of me?

No. I'm a civilian.

Look, just leave your number and I'll get right back to you as soon as I hear him or see anything of him.

I promise, I promise, I promise, I promise.

You'd better be straight with me, pal.

Please don't do anything sexual.

Come on.

Hey, Billy. What?

Can we go see The Tales of Robin Hood?

Can you fuck...

Fuck that. I'm starving.

I know. They've got medieval banquets up there.

Who stole this fucking van?

Ripping legs off of chickens and stuff.

It's absolutely brilliant.

I tell you, Jumbo...

I said, who stole this fucking van?

Here you are. Have this cushion.

No, no, I don't need another cushion, darling.

You'll be all right.

I don't need another. You'll be all right.

Take it away. No, look, it's in my throat now.

I can't breathe. Listen. I can't breathe. Take it away.

Put it there, then. Put it there.

That's it.

Leave it there. That's it.

Thank you.

Oh, that's...

That's quite nice.

Here you go.

Thank you, darling.


Got everything you need now?

Yeah. Yeah.

Do you mind if I go out for a little bit?

Where are you going?

I don't know.

Just... get some fresh air and stuff.

You know, it's been dead weird today.


Do you want me to come with you? No, it's all right.

I'd quite like to be on my own.

How long are you going to be?

I don't know.

Just... not long.

Are you all right?



I love you, Shirl.


Oh, my God.


Dek, Baby's back.



* I smell something In the air *

* It smells like barbecue... *

Whoo! That one. Do that.


* That barbecue... *

Go on, do it again. All right.

* I smell barbecue... *

* You smell barbecue... **


talk to me, baby.

Shut up.

What are you here for really?

I told you.

I tried to tell you.

Why now?

Because I never really ever wanted to go away.

I was too young.

I felt too young.

If I'd have stayed with you, we'd have ended up splitting up anyway, baby.

You didn't stay to find out, did you?


That's why I'm here, babe.

I think that you and me should be together.

I absolutely think that you and me should be together and I want it back.

I want it back.

Hang on, we're spinning, we're spinning!

Hang on, hang on, I'm on the grass.

Come on.

Hang on.


I've not got any right to ask you for anything, darling, but if you feel anything at all, if there's anything left at all, then tell me and I'll fucking hang about here, you know?

I'll hang about here forever.

I think you know the answer to that one, don't you?

Oh, God, I'm confused.

I know.

Oh, Jimmy.

I missed you.

I'm sorry.

* Baby's the best car On the road *

* She's the best car On the road *

* She killed an old lady And a toad **

Can you all get out, please?

Come on, Dek, mate, let's just go.


Please, just get out.

Come on, you two.

I don't have to go, do I?

I need to be alone, Marlene.

Yeah, but are you going to be all right?

Please, Marlene.

Please, darling.

Dek, look at you. You're in a right state.


See you later, then.

Hello, it's me.

The bloke who fell out of the airing cupboard.

Listen, I know where he is.

I know where he's stopping.

No, don't you dare come around to my house.

I don't want this linking back to me.

Can't I just tell you?

It's really easy to find.

No, you stop playing games with me, mister.

Sorry, sorry.

Well, I don't...

Okay, okay.

Flipping heck.

I'll meet you at dawn, but I'm choosing the rendezvous.


All right, all right.

I heard you the hundredth time.

Jimmy, answer the bloody door, would you, lad?


All right. Who do you think I am, Linford Christie?


I get mine from the shop, thanks.

What about a yogurt?

Or spuds?

Is that you, Dek?


Fucking cracker, Billy.

Where's Jimmy? I know he's been staying here.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I don't know... Want some more? what you're talking about. Okay.

Fuck! Fucking hell!

Take him out, Billy.

Take him out.

This has nothing to do with me!

It's nothing to do with me, is it?

Get behind him. Get behind him.

My foot! My foot!

Take a look upstairs.

Here you are, babe.

Oh, ta, love.

Do you know what?

My bloody foot's throbbing now.

Aw. You all right?

Yeah, not bad.

Bloody hell.

What a fucking mess.

So, where were you, then, Jim?


When all this was kicking off. Where were you?

Oh, he'd just nipped out, love.

Nipped out?

What, half past 5:00 in the morning?

Where did he nip out to?

Tell her about Dek, Charlie.


Oh, just forget about all that.

Tell her about Dek.

Tell me what?

Fucking Dek grassed us up, all right?

He saw him standing outside when they arrived.

Oh, Dek grassed you up, did he?

I don't know whether he grassed him up or Dek was with them when they came to the door.

I'll deal with that streak of piss when the time comes, but, the point is, they were looking for you, weren't they?

What the fuck are you getting at here?

Aye, they were looking for me.

I didn't smash the house up, Carol, okay?

Dek fucking grassed us up.

It's his fault the place is smashed up, not mine.

Well, of course it's your fault.

See? See, it's always the same.

Every time you come back, you bring trouble with you, don't you?

Every bloody time.

Look at you. He don't care.

You're like a little...

What's that word? He's immature, isn't he?

Like a little kid.

Well, I've had enough, Jim, all right?

I've really had enough now.

Coming around here, always causing trouble on my bloody doorstep.

A few fucking tapes, man.

A few tapes?

There's some originals there.

He saved up for 10 years for all that.

A lot of shite.

Bloody sent to Nashville for some of them.

Do you know what I mean?

You've broken his bloody heart, but, of course, as long as it don't affect you, it don't matter, does it?

You don't give a shit about anyone but yourself, do you?

I don't want it no more, Jimmy.

I tell you, I'm fed up with it.


I don't want you 'round here anymore.

I don't want you bringing trouble to my doorstep, all right?

Have you got nothing to say for yourself?

What do you want me to say? What do you want me to do?

I want you to go, that's what I want you to do.

Well, it's not your fucking house to tell me to go, is it?

Yeah, but I'm still married to him.

I still care about him.

He's the father of my bloody children.

What if my kids had been here?

I mean, you might not give a shit about your kid, but I care about my kids, but you don't think about that, do you?

Because you're stupid. Fuck off.

No, you fuck off.

Go on, get out. I'm sick of the sight of you.

Don't look at me like that. Why don't you just go?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I think you'd better pack your bag and I think you'd better get off, mate.

Yeah, thanks, Charlie.

Thanks, man.


What's that?

What's that when it's at home?

Fucking that's what it is.

That's what it's about.

Right, that's what it's about. You thieving.

Aye, fucking...

I'm trying to better myself, ain't I, Carol?

Better yourself? Oh, lovely.

What are you fucking complaining about?

You've had a touch out of this bag as well, and him.

Oh, lovely. We ain't seen him for years.

We get a little present off him, and that's all right.

You're mad in the head.

You're the fucking one that's mad.

You're the one that's mad, going out thieving.

I'm supposed to be your brother.

Brother? Then act like it.

I've looked after you all my bloody life.

I'm fed up with looking after you.

When have you ever fucking looked after me?

I've looked after you for the last 20 years!

When we were 15 years old, I was the one that stopped you putting needles in your bloody arms.

Ilooked after you. 16-year-old with Donna.

On the fucking street like a stupid wee lassie.

I was the fucking one that took care of you.

You were around for two months, mate, and don't you dare bring my kid into this.

Go on, why don't you piss off back to Jockland?

You're a fucking disgrace.

You're an idiot.

Fucking disgrace?

I'm fucking ashamed to call you a sister.

Fine. Don't, then.

You know, I live without you all the time, baby.

Don't make no difference to me now, you being here.

So that's it?

Yeah, if that's the way you want it.

I don't know.


What are you doing?

I thought you were in work.

I didn't go in.

Nor me.

Where have you been?

Oh, uh... out and about.

I just came back to get a few things together--

I don't want you to leave. I don't want to leave.

Please don't go.

I'm not going to leave.

I just think...

I just think you need some... time.

Some space to think things through.

I'm so scared, Dek.

Don't be scared.

Don't be scared.

I'm so scared.


Oh, Dek...

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I forgot about you.

I'm sorry.

No. No.

Dek, nothing happened.

Nothing happened.

I can't, Shirley.

Nothing happened.

I can't.

I took them to Charlie's this morning.


Those men who were after Jimmy...

I showed them where he was.

Oh, my God.

Carol, stop it!


That's enough.

Bollocks. He deserves it, that poxy grass.

Carol, please.

You see the state of Charlie's place?

Well, he deserves it as well.

You come anywhere near me, you numbnut, and I'll knock your fucking block off!

Carol, listen.

Anyone get hurt?

We're all hurt, Shirley.

All right?

Get away from that window!

Get in there!

That's it. I've done my bit.

Done my bit.

Get away.


No, I just...

I just think you should just go, Dek.

I've just had enough now.


How are you getting on there, Wordsworth?

Not bad. I've got the, uh... who it's by.

I just made a name up.

What's the name?

Roger Myers.


Do you have to talk so loud?

I'm watching telly.

Kids by Roger Myers.



Hey, babe.

Is he in?

No, he's gone. Where is he?

I don't know. He's... He's left.

What, gone gone? Yeah.


They just fucking turned their backs on me, Shirley.

Carol, she's thrown me out. She went fucking ballistic.

Went crazy, threw me out.

You can't stay here, Jimmy. You can't stay here.

Baby, come on, I'd wait 1000 years for you, Shirley, but I'm in a bit of a spot.

You've got to go.

Baby, look, all I've got is the gear on my back.

No, just don't, don't... don't, Jimmy, please.


Look, babe--

You have to go. Leave.

What do you want me to do?

Do you want me to go back to Glasgow?

Babe... what do you want me to do?

FEMALE ANNOUNCER: ...overlooking Les Baux-de-Provence, regarded as one of the most beautiful villages in France.

Marlene, it's time to come home.

Can't I stay here tonight?

No, I'd like you to come home, please.

She's all right. She can stay with me.

I don't mind, Shirley. No.

I really want you to come home.

Go on.

See you in a bit.

See you later.

See you, darling.

Goodnight, love.

Yeah. Baby.

Ah, she's dead delicate, ain't she?

Who's delicate?



Marlene, your dad's come to stay for a bit.

Speak to him, please.

Please, Marlene.


Marlene, please.

She'll be fine, you know.


* The summer days Are gone too soon *

* You shoot the moon And miss completely *

* And now you're left To face the gloom *

* The empty room That once smelled sweetly *

* Of all the flowers you plant *

* If only *

Thanks, baby.

These pillows all right for you?

They're cool, yeah.

* Why you had To each be lonely *

See you in the morning.


* Was it just the season? *

* And now the fall Is here again *

* You can't begin to give in *

* It's all over *

* When the snows Come rolling through *

* You roll in too With some new lover *

* Will you think of times You've told me *

* That you knew the reason *

* Why we had To each be lonely? *

* It was just the season *

Well, you can get in with me, right, but just for a cuddle, and that's it.

Sound as a pound.

All right? And I mean it, you go anywhere you're not meant to go, and I'll knock you out, all right?


I've done it before, remember?

I won't rummage. I won't rummage at all.

You watch yourself.

Rummage? That's disgusting.

Well, you know what I mean.

I think the posh people call it "caressing."

* Will you think of times You've told me *

Here all right, then, huh?

What is it?

Bouncy castle.

Yeah, but Jimmy, I'm 12.

* Why we had To each be lonely *

* It was just the season *

* Oh **

Do you want another packet of crisps?

No, I've had four already and my gums are killing.


Do you want anotherCoke?

No. Look, Jimmy, you don't have to buy me stuff, you know.


Do you not remember that?

I used to do that to you when you were... a wee baby.

Look, Jimmy, what do you expect me to say?

Nothing, baby.

Can't we just talk about something else?





All right?


Did you have a nice time? Yeah, it was good.

Did you? Yeah.

Where is he?

I think he's just down the road talking to one of his mates.

What did you do?

Oh, all sorts.

Went for a meal, went shopping.

Did you? Did he get you something nice?


What did he get you?

Oh, all sorts.

Lots of special treats for you?

Yeah. Good.

What's the matter?

Marlene, what's wrong?

Marlene, what's the matter?



There's nothing wrong.

What is it?


That's probably him now.

Ah, there you are.

Wondered where you got to.


Are you all right?


I'm going to go to my room.

Okay. I'll come up in a minute, yeah?


Don't go peeking in no bags now.

Your presents are for tomorrow.

I won't, don't worry.

I'll come up, Marlene.


I think that went really well.


You get her a birthday present, did you?


That bear.


It's going to take a wee bit of time, you know?

Yeah, I know.

I'm starving.



Happy birthday.


Oh, have you not waited for us?

No, I'm going to go into town with my mates.

Yeah? Yeah.

Well, I were going to make us a birthday tea later.

I'll probably be back by the afternoon.


How much did you get? About 55 quid.

Did you? What are you going to get with it?

Some clothes and I'm probably going to get a new box for my watch.

Are you missing Dek?

A bit, yeah.

I'm sorry, sweetheart.

Jimmy's your dad.


All right, Mum, I'd best be going.

Be careful, yeah?

I will.

Gloves, check.

Fuel, check.

Oil, check.


Virgin Mary, Mother of God, what are you doing here?

When were you going to tell us you were leaving?


Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.


Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Baby, baby.







Are you going to give me a hand here?


Doing a grand job yourself, there, sweetheart.

Tell you what, Shirley, baby.

I could fair get used to this.

What's the matter?

Hmm? Nothing.


I just want it to be perfect for Marlene.

It is perfect.

It's double perfect.

Wee spread like that for a wee lassie.

Are you going to get changed?

I'm changed. Look at my hat.

Oh, aye, it's going to be perfect.

Do you want to know how I know it's going to be perfect?

No. How do you know it's going to be perfect?

Do you know how I know it's going to be perfect?


Because I'm here.


You'll break the chair.

Here you are. Ta.


I won't sing the song.

Well, go on, then.

Blow it out.

Happy birthday, sweetheart.


Are you going to make a wish?

I already have done.

I want to come with you.

Oh, Marlene...

I'd love you to come with me, but you can't.

See, I can't take you away from your mum.

It would kill her.

What, so you're just going to leave?

Piss off without even trying?

Hey, come on, don't use that language now.

Dek, you're just like Jimmy.

I'm nothing like Jimmy, Marlene.

Jimmy left, you're leaving.

What's the difference?

I didn't want to go, sweetheart.

That's the difference.


Guess how many times I've seen them now, Shirley. I don't know.

Guess how many times. I don't know.

Twenty-seven. 27 times, man.

Just keep getting better and better.

* Whatever you want *

* Whatever you like *

* Whatever you say *

Will you play my guitar?

No, I don't want to play the guitar.

Want to pluck me, baby?

I don't want to.

Come on.

Stop it.

Will you turn it down, please?

Oh, come on. It's brilliant, man.

Oh, God.

* You're showing off *

* You're showing out *

I'm going to nip over to Carol's and see if Marlene's there.

* Give me a shout *

* I take it all *

* You squeeze my dry *

Where are you going?

* And now today You couldn't even say goodbye **

Look, are you going to change your mind or what?


What are you doing?

You can stuff your bloody watch. I don't want it.

Oh, Marlene, we can't part like this.

I don't want it, Dek.

Marlene, please.

Please, darling.

Dek, what is it that you're scared of?

I'm not scared.

Not anymore.


Marlene, look at me.

She doesn't want me.

What else can I do?



What's going on, Dek?

Oh, Shirley, I...

I don't know where to start.


I was leaving town forever this morning till Marlene popped up in the back seat and told me she wanted to elope with me...

Elope? and I had to bring her home, Shirley, or she would have run away...

Oh, my God.

Oh, Dek. but that's not the important bit, Shirley.

Excuse me?

See, uh...

I thought I was meant to leave, but I'm here now, aren't I?

And so are you.


I don't understand you, Dek.

I don't.

I love you, and I love your daughter...

and I never want to leave you, ever, and whatever it takes, whatever, I'm not going anywhere, Shirley.

I want to be with you for the rest of my life.

I want to grow old with you...

till one of us... dies in the other's arms.

It's me you should be with, Shirley, not Jimmy.

You should be with me.

Oh, God.

This looks cozy.

Am I missing something here?

All right, Marlene?

Birthday cake's melting in here, darling. Let's go.

Come on, Shirley. Stop messing about. Let's go.

Marlene, inside the house. Let's move.

You don't have to do anything you don't want to do.

Hey, who fucking asked you?

Don't be fucking telling my daughter what to do, okay?

Marlene, shift.

She's not a dog, Jimmy. Fuck off.

Oh, God.

Just fuck off.

Shirley, Marlene, inside.

Let's go.

No, Dek, please don't. No, it's okay.

Listen, Jimmy.

Take Baby and just... flip off back to Glasgow, will you?


Fucking hell.

My fucking lip.

Sorry, Jimmy.

Fuck. Fuck's sake.

Are you all right, mate? I'm sorry.

Fuck off.

Fuck off. Sorry.

Fucking hit me there. Fuck's sake.

Sorry, are you all right?

Marlene, come here.


He just fucking hit me there.

Is it bad?

Is it?

Is it bad?

It's all right.

Come on, baby. You and me, eh? Let's go, man.

No, stop it. Inside.

Come on. No.

It's not about you and me, Jimmy.


It's always been about you.


This was a family.

It's our family.

No, no.

This is my family.


I don't want you to break it up.

I just want you to go. It's too late.

You're three years too late.

It's over, Jimmy.

I want you to leave.

You'll be all right.

Dek, it's you I love.

It's always been you.

* Adia I do believe I failed you *

* Adia I know I've let you down *

* Don't you know I tried so hard *

* To love you in my way? *

* It's easy, let it go *

* Adia I'm empty since you left me *

* Trying to find a way To carry on *

* I search myself and everyone *

* To see where we went wrong *

* There's no one left To finger *

* There's no one here to blame *

* There's no one left To talk to, honey *

* And there ain't no one To buy our innocence *

* 'Cause we are born innocent *

* Believe me, Adia *

* We are still innocent *

* It's easy We all falter *

FEMALE ANNOUNCER: ...and are now thinking about swapping their Ascot home for a taste of the Miami high life.

* Adia, I thought That we could make it *

Fishing? Now I've stolen my own boat, I can see myself on the ocean, you know.

In that? Aye.

I'll come with you, man.

You'll kill yourself. It's ridiculous.


Thought it was you, you fucking scumbags.

Hey, where's my money, you wee bastard?

Any of you know the way to Glasgow?

Jimmy, can I come with you?


Let's go to the back.

Not in the back. There's people down there.

Don't make me sit on the end.

Come on, sit here.

No, sit over there. Oh, move up, Shirl.

Come on, let's sit together.

No, don't start squashing me.

Ah! Oh! No, I don't like it.

Right, don't abandon me now, girls.

Just let me get my balance. I'll be all right.

Give me your hand. Give us your hand.

I'll be okay. No, hang on.

It's slipperier than last time, isn't it?

Right, come on. Hang on.

Just let me steady myself. Right, that way.

Yeah. Come on, let's go.

It's not me.

That would be brilliant. Oh, God!


All right? Yeah.

Shall we go for a pizza after? What?

* Innocent *

* Believe me, Adia *

No, just look straight ahead.

Dek, stop it, because I'll fall over.

That's better.

* It's easy We all falter *

I'm going!

* Doesn't matter *

* Believe me, Adia *

* We are still innocent *

* 'Cause we are born innocent *

* Believe me, Adia *

* We are still innocent *

* It's easy We all falter *

* Does it matter? *

* 'Cause we are born innocent *

* Believe me, Adia *

* We are still innocent *

* It's easy We all falter *

* Does it matter? *

* Believe me, Adia *

* We are still innocent *

* 'Cause we are born innocent *

* Believe me, Adia *

* We are still innocent *

* It's easy We all falter *

* Does it matter? **


* Today I'm standin' On the brink of tomorrow *

* Watchin' As the day just passes me by *

* Thinkin' about the joy And the sorrow *

* Brings a little teardrop To my eye *

* Yesterday We pledged our love together *

* We said that we'd Just stand side by side *

* But today you're on the arm Of another *

* Taking vows As someone else's bride *

* Tomorrow *

* Tomorrow *

* They say it never arrives *

* But if you only knew *

* How much that I love you *

* Then would surely realize *

* Looking back to when Our love first started *

* It's funny How time just passes by *

* And even though today We will be parted *

* My love for you Could never die *

* Tomorrow *

* Tomorrow *

* They say it never arrives *

* But now that I can see *

* How much you meant to me *

* I was a fool To never realize *

* Tomorrow *

* Tomorrow *

* I was fool To never realize **