One Night at McCool's (2001) Script

( Johnny Cash sings: ) A WANTED MAN IN CALIFORNIA

A WANTED MAN IN BUFFALO

A WANTED MAN IN KANSAS CITY

A WANTED MAN IN OHIO

A WANTED MAN IN MISSISSIPPI

A WANTED MAN IN OLD CHEYENNE

WHEREVER YOU MIGHT LOOK TONIGHT

YOU MIGHT SEE THIS WANTED MAN Bingo caller: N-43.

FOUR-THREE ON THE "N".

THERE'S SOMEBODY SET TO GRAB ME

ANYWHERE THAT I MIGHT BE

WHEREVER YOU MIGHT LOOK TONIGHT

YOU MIGHT GET A GLIMPSE OF ME

A WANTED MAN IN CALIFORNIA

A WANTED MAN IN BUFFALO And D-48, that's "D" over the 4-8...

A WANTED MAN IN OHIO

A WANTED MAN IN MISSISSIPPI

A WANTED MAN IN OLD CHEYENNE

WHEREVER YOU MIGHT LOOK TONIGHT

YOU MIGHT SEE THIS WANTED MAN

AHEM! PSST!

UM, LOOKS LIKE WE MIGHT GET SOME RAIN.

N-40, that's 40 under the "N".

HUH?

THE --

OH, I'M SORRY, I --

MY MISTAKE, I THOUGHT YOU WERE SOMEONE ELSE.

NO, NO, WAIT A MINUTE, KID, KID, KID...

I FORGOT WHAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO SAY, Y'KNOW, LIKE, UH...

"THE RAIN'S GOOD FOR THE FARMERS,"

"GROW SOME CROPS," SOME SHIT LIKE THAT.

MR. BURMEISTER?

YEAH, BURMEISTER. SIT DOWN.

OH, HEY, I, UH -- I BROUGHT THE MONEY.

PSS-PSS-PSS -- LATER.

OH! YEAH.

YOU'RE DEALING WITH A PROFESSIONAL HERE.

BINGO.

HEY, A MAN'S GOTTA DO SOMETHIN'.

BESIDES, IT'S TOO EARLY IN THE DAY TO BE CHASIN' PUSSY.

CARL HARDING. SORRY I'M LATE.

IT'S YOUR HOUR.

50 MINUTES. BUT WHO'S COUNTING, RIGHT?

SO, CARL, WHY DON'T YOU --

I'M SORRY, BEFORE WE BEGIN, UM, PLEASE MAKE SURE THAT THE BILLS GO TO MY OFFICE, NOT TO MY HOUSE.

SURE. THANK YOU.

SO WHY DON'T YOU START AT THE BEGINNING, AND TELL ME WHY YOU'VE COME TO SEE ME.

RIGHT.

YOU WANNA HEAR ABOUT MY MOM AND MY CHILDHOOD, IS THAT THE KINDA SHIT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR?

IF THAT'S WHY YOU'RE HERE.

NO, IT'S NOT. WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE?

JUST TO SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT, I JUST MADE PARTNER AT THE SECOND-LARGEST LAW FIRM IN THE STATE, SO I'M DOING VERY WELL, THANK YOU.

SO I DON'T MEAN TO BRAG, BUT YOU ASKED.

NO I DIDN'T.

OKAY.

SO YOU'RE HERE BECAUSE...?

I'M HERE BECAUSE I'VE GOT THIS THING GOING ON WITH A WOMAN --

NOT MY MOM!

IT'S NOT.

A WANTED MAN IN ALBUQUERQUE

A WANTED MAN IN SYRACUSE

A WANTED MAN IN TALLAHASSEE

A WANTED ME IN BATON ROUGE GOT A MINUTE?

UH, IN A SECOND.

COME ON.

I HOPE THIS IS IMPORTANT, CHARLIE, I'VE GOT JUNIOR CHOIR PRACTICE IN TWENTY MINUTES.

I NEED TO TALK.

THIS WON'T KEEP TILL CONFESSION?

I REALLY NEED SOME HELP WITH THIS.

IS IT A WOMAN?

( TV preacher ranting; choir sings )

Charlie: I'M SO GLAD YOU COULD HELP ME WITH THIS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, I KNEW YOU'D HELP ME SORT THIS OUT.

I'M HERE FOR YOU, CHARLIE, NO MATTER WHAT IT IS.

NOW, JUST TAKE YOUR TIME, AND TELL ME EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS WOMAN.

I GOT ALL DAY.

I DON'T USUALLY DO THIS SORT OF THING.

UH-HUH.

I'VE NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE, Y'KNOW?

THAT'S OKAY, SWEETIE.

YOU CAN START WITH THE NEXT GAME ON THE GREEN SHEET.

IT'S FOUR-CARD CRAZY BINGO.

TEN DOLLARS.

LEMME GET TWO CUPS OF COFFEE, PLEASE.

OH, UH, YEAH. TWO CUPS FOR ME, TOO.

O-76...

0-55, 0-5-5.

Y-Y-YOU GOTTA KNOW, UM...

I GOT MY REASONS FOR DOING THIS.

WELL, THAT'S NICE.

SEE, NOT TOO LONG AGO, MY LIFE WAS GOIN' ALONG JUST FINE.

I WAS HAPPY...

MM-HMM.

WELL, MAYBE I WASN'T HAPPY, BUT, Y'KNOW, I WAS CONTENT.

I HAD A JOB, I HAD FRIENDS...

I HAD A HOUSE...

I HAD EVERYTHING BUT --

THAT STEADY BANG, HUH?

"SHE," THE SQUEEZE, THE GIRLFRIEND --

WHATEVER YOU WANNA CALL A CHICK.

YEAH, RIGHT.

AND THEN I MET HER....

THIS WHOLE THING STARTED ONE NIGHT AT McCOOL'S.

THE PLACE WAS PACKED, EVEN MY COUSIN CARL WAS THERE, AND I WAS IN THE ZONE.

EVERYBODY'S GOT THEIR POWER BASE --

POURING DRINKS IS MY SPECIALITY.

I WAS PUTTIN' ON QUITE A SHOW FOR THE FRAT BOYS AT THE END OF THE BAR...

AWRIGHT, WHO WANTS TO TAKE THE PLUNGE?

I WANT IT!

AWRIGHT, I KNOW IT'S ONLY BARTENDING, BUT HEY, I'M GOOD AT IT.

AWRIGHT, FOLKS, LET'S GO, WRAP IT UP.

WHAT A SETUP!

YOU MUST GET LAID LIKE...ALLTHE TIME.

OH, YEAH.

THE GIRLS ARE LININ' UP AROUND THE BLOCK.

FUCK, I KNEW IT!

THEY JUST CAN'T RESIST A MAN WORKING FOR TIPS IN THE SERVICE INDUSTRY.

TELL ME! GIMME, GIMME, GIMME...

Y'KNOW, CARL, I APPRECIATE YOUR COMIN' DOWN HERE AND GETTIN' SHIT-FACED DRUNK, BUT --

HAAA!!!

DON'T YOU THINK IT'S ABOUT TIME YOU WENT HOME TO KAREN AND THE KIDS?

WELL, THAT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA, EXCEPT THEY'RE VISITING GRANDMA IN OHIO.

WHAT ABOUT THAT THING CALLED A JOB?

YOU MIGHT WANNA GO HOME AND SOBER UP FOR AN HOUR OR TWO BEFORE GOIN' IN AND FACING THE PARTNERS OF DO-WE CHEAT-EM & HOW.

CLOSE. YOU MUST MEAN RAGSDALE, HERSCH & KLEIN.

TAKE A CARD, YOUNG MAN, BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW.

OH! WHAT ARE YOU TRYIN' TO DO, YOU TRYIN' TO GET RID OF ME?

HEY! LET'S GO TO ONE OF THOSE AFTERHOURS CLUBS.

THEY GOT THESE LONG, LONG- LEGGED GIRLS THERE, YOU CAN LOOK AT THEM AND MAYBE TOUCH THEM.

I GOTTA CLOSE UP.

YOU THINK JUST 'CAUSE I'M MARRIED I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THESE PLACES?

JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED MEANS YOU'RE GETTIN' IT A WHOLE LOT MORE THAN ME.

THAT'S A DEPRESSING THOUGHT.

CARL, YOU NEED ME TO CALL YOU A CAB?

OH, NO...

YOU JUST SOBERED ME UP PRETTY GOOD.

GET HOME SAFE.

IT HAD BEEN A FAIRLY BUSY NIGHT...

SO BY THE TIME I CLOSED THE REGISTER AND CLEANED UP THE JOINT, ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS GO HOME.

Woman: WHERE ARE YOU GOING?! STOP THE CAR!!!

Man: DO YOU HEAR WHAT I'M TELLIN' YA?!

DON'T TOUCH ME!!!

GET OVER HERE!!!

LET GO OF ME!!!

HEY!

AWRIGHT, GO!

( tires screech )

Driver: FUCK YOU!!!

AND THERE SHE WAS...

THIS IS NOT THE KIND OF GIRL YOU USUALLY RUN INTO IN A DARK ALLEY...

IN FACT, THIS IS NOT THE KIND OF GIRL IEVERRUN INTO.

YOU OKAY?

( sighs ) NO, I'M NOT OKAY.

SOME SMELLY GUY JUST TRIED TO RAPE ME.

WHAT A JERK! HERE.

YOU WANT ME TO CALL THE POLICE?

I-I KNOW YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO HELP, BUT SPENDING THE REST OF THE NIGHT WITH A BUNCH OF ASSHOLE COPS ISN'T EXACTLY WHAT I NEED RIGHT NOW.

YOUR...

THANKS.

YOU GOT A SMOKE?

HUH? NO, SORRY.

THIS REALLY IS MY NIGHT.

I BET I COULD FIND YOU ONE IN THE BAR.

IT'S OKAY.

I'M TRYIN' TO CUT DOWN ANYWAY.

( dog barks in distance )

YOU'RE GONNA BE OKAY? YEAH.

OKAY, ALRIGHT. I'LL SEE YOU AROUND.

HEY!

WHADDYA MEAN?

WELL, I MEAN, LOOK, I JUST HAD THIS LITTLE UNPLEASANT EXPERIENCE, AND I DON'T ESPECIALLY FEEL LIKE BEING BY MYSELF.

RIGHT, RIGHT.

WELL, I WAS JUST GONNA GO HOME.

YOU GOT A STEREO?

WELL, I GOT A BOOM BOX.

ONLY ONE OF THE SPEAKERS IS WORKIN', SO...

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CALL IT A STEREO.

YOU WANNA GO LISTEN TO SOME MUSIC?

WHERE'S YOUR CAR?

ACTUALLY, I JUST LIVE A COUPLE OF BLOCKS --

HUNH --NO CAR. SORRY.

HEY.

SO, DO YOU LIVE IN A HOUSE OR AN APARTMENT?

WELL, THIS IS IT.

YOU LIVE HERE ALONE?

YOU OWN IT?

YEAH.

( chuckles )

OH, YOU'RE SO LUCKY.

I'VE ALWAYS DREAMT OF HAVING MY OWN PLACE.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING --

THE POLICE STATION MIGHT BE CHEERIER, HUH?

IT'S GREAT.

YEAH.

LOT OF POTENTIAL.

"A LOT OF POTENTIAL."

WHAT IS SHE, A REAL ESTATE AGENT?

CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING TO DRINK?

UH, TAP WATER, I GOT BEER, I GOT TAP WATER, I THINK I GOT...

UH...

I MAY HAVE A YOO-HOO.

BEER SOUNDS GOOD.

I FORGOT. I DRANK THE LAST ONE THIS MORNING.

UH, I CAN MAKE SOME TEA OR, UH, COFFEE...

THAT'S FINE, THANKS.

WELL, TEA, ANYWAY.

WATER'S FINE. MAYBE SOME ICE?

WATER.

AH...

SORRY, NO, UH, NO ICE.

MY FREEZER'S ON THE BLINK.

HOW IS IT?

WHAT?

THE WATER.

( chuckling: ) FINE.

DO YOU LIKE WATER?

I LOVE IT.

IT'S ACTUALLY MY SECOND FAVORITE THING IN THE WORLD.

REALLY? AND WHAT'S YOUR FIRST FAVORITE?

FUCKING.

WHAT?!

IT'S MY MOM'S ROOM.

IT MAKES ME WANT TO GET TO KNOW YOU

A LITTLE BIT BETTER

THE WAY YOU MOVE

YOUR SEXY BODY

MAKES ME WANT TO GET TO KNOW YOU

A LITTLE BIT BETTER

GIRL WILL MAKE YOUR MOVES

STRAIGHT THROUGH YOUR HEART STINGIN' ON POINT

( moaning ) LIKE A GAME OF DARTS

YOUR SEXY FIGURE IT MAKES ME FIGURE

HOW TO GET CLOSE TO YOU AND MAKE YOUR COOCHIE SHOOK

I'M SO INTO YOU I CAN FEEL YA GROOVE

DON'T HOLD BACK JUST MAKE YOUR MOVE

THE WAY YOU MOVE

YOUR SEXY BODY

MAKES ME WANT TO GET TO KNOW YOU

A LITTLE BIT BETTER...

( bed banging on wall )

( girl moaning )

A WOMAN AFTER MY OWN HEART -- HEH-HEH.

HUNH-HUNH.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS WOMAN IS CAPABLE OF.

I GUESS YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THAT ANYMORE, DO YOU?

I DON'T THINK OF MYSELF AS THE KIND OF PERSON WHO'S IN THIS KIND OF OFFICE.

WHEN I THINK ABOUT PEOPLE WHO ARE IN THERAPY, THESE ARE PEOPLE WHO DON'T HAVE THEIR LIVES IN CONTROL.

I AM -- I'M IN CONTROL OF MY LIFE, MY LIFE IS-IS IN CONTROL, THAT IS NOT A PROBLEM FOR ME.

WHAT ABOUT THE WOMAN YOU MENTIONED?

RIGHT. UH...

IT STARTED ONE NIGHT AT McCOOL'S...

IT'S A KIND OF A LOW-RENT JOINT.

ORDINARILY I WOULD NEVER BE SEEN DEAD IN A PLACE LIKE THIS.

( drunkenly: ) HEY! WHO WANTS TO TAKE THE PLUNGE?

BUT ON THIS PARTICULAR NIGHT, KAREN HAD TAKEN THE KIDS TO OHIO TO VISIT HER MOM.

SO I DECIDED TO DROP IN ON MY COUSIN, WHO I HADN'T SEEN IN A LONG TIME.

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT AN ADULT WHO THINKS IT'S FUN TO DRINK OUT OF A TOILET PLUNGER.

I MEAN, THIS IS THE MENTALITY WE'RE DEALING WITH HERE.

LET'S JUST STAY FOCUSED ON THE WOMAN, OKAY?

RIGHT.

THE WOMAN, OKAY.

WELL, I LOOK ACROSS THE ROOM AND I SAW...

A VERY BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.

( belches )

BUT SHE DIDN'T.

OKAY, TIME FOR ME TO GO.

IT WAS PRETTY LATE, AND I'D HAD A FEW DRINKS.

( hears voices )

AND THERE SHE WAS.

Girl: I'M JUST A LITTLE BIT NERVOUS.

How do I look?

SHE WAS WITH THIS GUY, AND I THOUGHT MAYBE THIS IS NOT THE BEST TIME TO HIT ON THIS PARTICULAR WOMAN.

WHAT IS THIS, PMS WEEK?

SO I GOT IN MY CAR AND...

I DON'T KNOW, I STARTED TO DOZE OFF A LITTLE, AND I HEAR ALL THIS SCREAMING AND CURSING.

Girl: DON'T TOUCH ME, ASSHOLE!

I'M GETTIN' OUT!

Bartender: HEY!!!

( all screaming )

( tires screech )

WOW.

TITS.

Driver: Fuck You!

Therapist: AND YOU DIDN'T TRY TO HELP?

OH, I WOULD HAVE.

BUT?

( snoring )

I MAY HAVE FALLEN ASLEEP.

YOU SHOULD KNOW --

I WAS PRACTICALLY FORCED INTO THIS.

Bartender: JEWEL?

( panting )

JEWEL?

( sniffling )

I, UH...

I SUPPOSE IT'S NOT GONNA HELP IF I TELL YOU THAT WAS REALLY AMAZING?

I KNOW IT WAS.

THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

TO TELL YA THE TRUTH...

I ONLY TOOK ONE PSYCHOLOGY COURSE IN JUNIOR COLLEGE, I KNOW THERE'S SUPPOSED TO BE THIS THING WHERE YOU'RE SAD OR YOU'RE GUILTY AFTER...

WELL, I PERSONALLY DON'T SUFFER FROM THAT.

IT'S NOT THAT.

DON'T YOU SEE?

THAT GUY TONIGHT --

OH -- OH, THAT CREEP IN THE FIREBIRD?

I KNOW THAT GUY.

OF COURSE YOU KNOW THE GUY.

LET'S FACE IT, YOU'RE NOT THE TYPE OF GIRL WHO JUST JUMPS INTO A CAR WITH SOME SMELLY GUY THAT YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW, I KNOW THAT.

NO....

HE AND I ARE...

DOING THIS...

THING.

OH, SHIT. I REALLY LIKE YOU.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY "THING"?

HE AND I GET IN THIS FIGHT, AND THEN YOU OR WHOEVER COMES TO MY RESCUE AND TAKES ME HOME, AND THEN...

HE LIKE SHOWS UP AND WE ROB YOU.

WHAT?

WE ROB YOU.

I MEAN, DO YOU BELIEVE THAT?

I'M SHOCKED.

I-I TAKE IT THIS IS SOMETHING THAT YOU-YOU'VE DONE BEFORE?

JUST A COUPLE OF TIMES.

I KNOW IT SOUNDS SICK, BUT YOU DON'T KNOW UTAH, HE'S NUTS.

HOW DOES HE KNOW WHERE WE ARE, ANYWAY?

I'M SUPPOSED TO CALL HIM AND TELL HIM.

YOU-YOU HAVEN'T DONE THAT YET, HAVE YOU?

OF COURSE NOT!

OH, GOOD.

GOOD...

UM...OKAY.

I GOT IT.

DON'T CALL HIM.

LET'S CALL THE POLICE INSTEAD.

NOT IF YOU EVER WANT TO SEE ME AGAIN.

OH, RIGHT.

Y'KNOW, I GENERALLY THINK BETTER WITH MY SHOES ON, SO...

THIS GUY UTAH, IS HE A MORMON?

UH, I WOULDN'T SAY THAT.

OH. I DIDN'T THINK SO.

YOU KNOW, THIS GUY...

HE SOUNDS LIKE A MAJOR PIECE OF SHIT, YOU KNOW?

YOU WOULDN'T BE TALKIN' ABOUT ME, WOULD YA, LOVERBOY?

WH-WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL?

I WAS JUST ABOUT TO.

HAS THIS GUY GOT ANYTHING WORTH TAKIN'?

OLD TV, A VCR.

HE'S GOT A BOOM BOX, BUT ONLY ONE SPEAKER WORKS.

A MR. COFFEE MACHINE.

TELEPHONE, UM...

OH YEAH, AND ONE LIGHT HOOKED UP TO THE CLAPPER.

HEY, THAT WAS MY MOM'S.

SHUT YOUR FUCKIN' MOUTH!

YOU STAND THERE, YOU CALL ME A PIECE OF SHIT!

HUH? I'M THE PIECE OF SHIT?

I'M HERE WITH MY LADY, YOU UNDERSTAND?

IT IS A TOUCHY SITUATION!

HAS HE GOT A CAR?

NO.

NO?

HE'S PATHETIC!

YOU-YOU DON'T GOT A CAR?

EVERYBODY'S GOT A CAR TODAY -

EVEN BUMS DON'T NOT GOT A CAR!

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU TAKE A CHICK OUT, YOU GO ON A BUS?

THINK YOU'RE GONNA GET LAID ON A BUS?

THINK YOU'RE GONNA GIVE SOME CHICK THE FUCKIN' MONSTER ON A BUS?

HUH?

I GOT A CAR...

THE "PIECE OF SHIT'S" GOT A CAR!

WHAT ABOUT JEWELRY, HAS HE GOT JEWELRY?

JUST A SWATCH.

NICE LEATHER BAND, THOUGH.

OH YEAH? TAKE IT OFF.

C'MON, YOU'RE SO SLOW.

IT'S RIGHT OVER HERE.

AWRIGHT, YOU'RE UP, SLUGGER, LET'S GO.

YOU WANT ME TO OPEN IT?

NO, I WANT YOU TO DANCE WITH IT --

MOVE!

OKAY.

AND IF THERE'S A GUN IN THERE, JUST LEAVE IT.

'CAUSE YOU'LL PULL IT OUT, YOU'LL GET NERVOUS, YOU'LL WIND UP MISSIN' ME, THEN I GOTTA DO WHAT I GOTTA DO WITH WHAT I GOT.

LOOK AT ME.

LOOK AT ME WHEN I TALK TO YOU!

I CAN'T LOOK AT YOU AND LOOK AT THE SAFE AT THE SAME TIME.

OH, EXCUSE ME, OKAY.

YOU'RE THE BIG-SHOT NOW, I'M NOBODY, RIGHT?

OKAY, I'M OVER HERE NOW.

EXCUSE ME.

IT'S GOT A STOPWATCH.

IT'S GOT A STOPWATCH?

I NEVER FIGURED OUT HOW TO USE IT.

IT'S SIMPLE, IT'S THIS BUTTON --

( gunshot )

( watch beeps )

( gurgling )

OH....

( thud )

WHAT HAPPENED?

HE WAS GONNA KILL YOU.

REALLY?

I MEAN, HE WAS JUST --

HE COULD DEFINITELY TELL THAT THERE WAS SOMETHING GOING ON BETWEEN US, Y'KNOW?

HOW?

BECAUSE I'VE NEVER ACTUALLY SLEPT WITH ANY OF THE OTHER GUYS THAT I'VE DONE THIS WITH BEFORE, THAT'S HOW.

IS HE DEAD?

OH, JESUS.

DO YOU HATE ME NOW?

NO, NO, NO, NO.

NO.

OH YES, YOU DO!

NO, IT'S NOT THAT, OKAY?

IT'S JUST THE SEX AND THE VIOLENCE ALL IN ONE NIGHT, IT'S A LITTLE MUCH.

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO NOW? WHAT?

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO NOW?! I DON'T KNOW!

WELL, THINK OF SOMETHING!

LET'S CALL THE POLICE.

THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

YEAH? YEAH, REALLY.

AND WHAT ARE WE GONNA TELL 'EM?

WE'LL TELL THEM THE TRUTH, I MEAN, THAT HE WAS ROBBING YOU AND-AND I SHOT HIM, AND THAT'S THAT.

YEAH.

TELL 'EM THE TRUTH.

I LIKE THAT.

UH, SINCE HE WAS THREATENING YOU, I PROBABLY WON'T GET MORE THAN TEN YEARS, RIGHT?

AND WITH GOOD BEHAVIOR

( dialing ) I COULD BE OUT IN SEVEN...YEARS.

( stops dialing )

WAIT...

UM...

LET'S COME UP WITH ANOTHER PLAN. WHAT?

I MEAN, THAT HE WAS ROBBING YOU AND SOMEBODY ELSE SHOT HIM? WHO?

WELL, WE COULD SAY THAT I SHOT HIM.

THAT WON'T WORK.

IT'S RIDICULOUS, IT WOULD NEVER WORK THAT WAY, IT'S --

WELL, MAYBE...

WELL, I MEAN, LET'S...

LET'S GO OVER IT.

OKAY.

HE WAS ROBBING THE PLACE. YES.

HE DID GET SHOT, RIGHT? MM-HMM.

SO THAT'S TWO OUT OF THREE.

WHAT'S THAT, THAT'S SIXTY-SEVEN PERCENT TRUE, I MEAN, THAT'S PRETTY GOOD THESE DAYS, RIGHT?

RIGHT.

THAT'S SOME FIRST DATE, KILLIN' HER BOYFRIEND.

WELL, IT GAVE THE RELATIONSHIP A CERTAIN INTENSITY.

Charlie: IT ALL STARTED ONE NIGHT AT McCOOL'S...

Cop: EARL RAYMOND PITTS.

HAD A LIST OF PRIORS GOIN' BACK TO THE WOMB.

SERIOUSLY.

HE WAS BORN IN DWIGHT CORRECTIONAL.

HIS MOTHER HAD TWINS WHILE SHE WAS DOIN' A BIT FOR NARCOTICS.

YOU MEAN THERE'S ANOTHER ONE OUT THERE LIKE HIM?

HUH. YEAH.

HE WENT BY THE NAME "UTAH."

"UTAH" ... THE MORMON STATE?

YEAH. DON'T ASK ME.

( cop radios chatter )

I'M A LITTLE UNCLEAR ON THIS.

HE WAS HOLDING A GUN ON YOU, BUT YOU WERE ABLE TO GET YOUR GUN AND SHOOT HIM POINT-BLANK IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD?

YEAH, RIGHT.

IT-IT ALL HAPPENED KINDA FAST.

SO...

HE WAS STANDING IN FRONT OF YOU, AND THEN... WHAT?

HE HEARD SOMETHING? RIGHT.

HE TURNED AROUND, YOU GRABBED YOUR GUN...

RIGHT.

WHICH WAS WHERE?

UH...

HIDDEN NEXT TO THE SAFE? RIGHT.

JUST IN CASE SOMETHING LIKE THIS EVER HAPPENED.

HE TURNED AROUND, YOU GRABBED YOUR GUN, AND POW!

EXACTLY -- THAT'S EXACTLY HOW IT HAPPENED.

ABOUT WHAT TIME WAS THIS?

HUH?

ABOUT WHAT TIME WAS THIS?

OH, UH...

THANKS.

HEY.

IT'S RESPONSIBLE CITIZENS JUST LIKE YOURSELF THAT MAKE MY JOB A LOT EASIER.

Charlie: YOU CAN IMAGINE MY MOOD, GETTING ROUSED FROM A SOUND SLEEP TO GO SCOOP SOME CITIZEN OFF A BARROOM FLOOR....

YOU WANNA TALK TO THE LADY? WHAT LADY?

HIS.

DOES SHE HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT?

NAH, SHE WAS WAITIN' FOR HIM BACK AT THEIR HOUSE, HE DIDN'T SHOW, SHE GOT WORRIED, CAME HERE LOOKIN' FOR HIM.

LET HER GO.

AWRIGHT.

YOU'RE FREE TO GO, MISS.

SUDDENLY MY WHOLE LIFE CHANGED...

LIKE THERESA HAD COME BACK FROM THE DEAD...

SHE EVEN LOOKS A LITTLE LIKE THERESA.

SO THIS GIRL, SHE'S GOOD IN THE SACK, HUH?

I'M SORRY, MAN, YOU GET MY AGE, YOU LIKE TO HEAR ABOUT THE OLD UNH!

SORRY.

O-18, 1-8 UNDER THE "O".

NICE ASS?

MR. CHICK FIFE, TELEPHONE CALL.

MR. CHICK FIFE, PLEASE CALL YOUR CARDIOLOGIST.

YOU TAKIN' THE RAP FOR THE SHOOTING MUSTA WORKED OUT OKAY.

YOUR BOSS, HE MUSTA TREATED YOU LIKE A HERO.

OH, KID....

DEATH AND GOOD TIMES, THEY DON'T MIX.

I CAN'T HAVE PEOPLE COMIN' IN HERE LOOKIN' FOR A GOOD TIME, SEEIN' YOU AND THINKIN', "UH-OH, THAT'S THE ONE

"THAT PUT A BULLET IN THE GUY'S HEAD.

"MAYBE HE'S GONNA SERVE ME

"MY STRAWBERRY DAIQUIRI AND ONION RINGS, "OR MAYBEHE'S GONNA GO POSTAL ON MY ASS!!!"

JOEY, THE GUY WAS TRYIN' TO ROB YOUR BAR.

HE DIDN'T TAKE NOTHIN'!

YOU PUT A BULLET IN HIS FRIGGIN' NOGGIN!

YOU'RE GONE! GO!!!

HELLO!

WH-WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?

WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE? I'M IRONING.

WE'RE NOT THERE YET, ARE WE?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE'RE NOT THERE YET? ( doorbell )

WE'RE MOVIN' A LITTLE FAST HERE, JEWEL.

YEAH? HI, HOW YA DOIN'. NEED YOUR SIGNATURE.

WHAT'S THIS? 1-800-MATTRESS.

I DIDN'T ORDER ANY MATTRESS.

DAMMIT!

HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO PAY FOR THIS STUFF?!

Jewel: GOD, RANDY, I JUST THOUGHT WE REALLY HAD SOMETHING, OR AT LEAST THE START OF SOMETHING, JEWEL.

BUT OBVIOUSLY I'M INCREDIBLY STUPID.

YOU'RE NOT STUPID.

I'LL BE OUT OF YOUR LIFE IN JUST A FEW MINUTES.

I DIDN'T SAY I WANTED YOU OUT OF MY LIFE.

HA!

IT'S JUST... WITH THE IRONING, THE-THE NEW MATTRESS, THEY ALL JUST SEEM LIKE THINGS THAT ARE A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE LINE, THAT'S ALL.

FURTHER DOWN THE LINE THAN ALL THE SEX WE'VE BEEN HAVIN?

ANY FURTHER DOWN THE LINE THAN KILLING UTAH TOGETHER?

YOU'RE RIGHT...

YOU KNOW WHAT, IT'S ME.

I LOST MY JOB TODAY.

YOU WHAT?

I GOT CANNED.

OH, BABY, WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO?

AW... ARE YOU OKAY?

I GUESS.

OH....

MMM....

OH, YOUR COUSIN CALLED.

( breathlessly: ) THE LAWYER.

WE'RE GOING OVER TO HIS HOUSE ON SATURDAY FOR A BARBECUE.

SO CARL INVITES ME OVER TO HIS HOUSE FOR A BARBECUE.

NOW, CARL NEVER INVITES ME OVER, SO I'M THINKIN' TO MYSELF, WHY NOW?

HERE YOU GO.

THAT'S SWEET. THANKS.

THAT IS SOME MAJOR LEAGUE PUSSY.

HA HA HA!

I MEANT THAT IN A GOOD WAY.

YOU BANGIN' HER?

SHE MUST HAVE FUCKED YOU SENSELESS WHEN SHE FOUND OUT YOU SHOT A GUY?

BECAUSE I READ THAT WOMEN CREAM FOR THE VIOLENCE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS.

WHEN YOU'RE FUCKIN' HER, THOUGH, BECAUSE SHE'S SO YOUNG, IS IT --

I'M GONNA SEE IF THEY WANT SOME HELP IN THE KITCHEN.

I'M JUST ASKING.

I MEAN, LOOK AT HER!

IT'S LIKE HAVIN' A PORN STARIN MY HOUSE!

EXCEPT SHE'S MAKIN' SALAD.

YOU HAVE SUCH A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE -- IT'S SO HOMEY.

THAT'S ALL KAREN, BELIEVE ME.

I WANTED TO GO WITH LOTS OF STAINLESS STEEL, SOMETHING WE COULD JUST PSSH! HOSE IT RIGHT OFF.

A LOT OF THIS STUFF WE DON'T EVEN USE, SO IF YOU REALLY LIKE IT, TAKE IT.

THANK YOU, JEWEL.

IT'S ALWAYS BEEN MY DREAM TO HAVE A REAL NICE HOUSE.

I ALREADY KNOW EXACTLY WHAT IT'LL LOOK LIKE --

WALL-TO-WALL CARPETING WITH MATCHING DRAPES, AND A BIG, FLUFFY WHITE COUCH, NICE DINING ROOM SET, AND IN THE CORNER...

A FOUNTAIN.

A FOUNTAIN?

IT'S GONNA BE...

IT'S GONNA BE GREAT.

IT'S OF A LITTLE GIRL WASHING HER HAIR AND THE WATER RUNS OFF INTO A GIANT SEASHELL WITH GOLDFISH SWIMMING IN IT.

( clears throat )

I DIDN'T JUST MAKE IT UP, I SAW IT IN A MAGAZINE.

BETTER HOMES AND FOUNTAINS?

CARL!

HEY, RANDY, YOU GOT A FOUNTAIN IN YOUR PLACE, DON'T YA?

IN THE LIVING ROOM --

OH NO, THAT'S A LEAKY TOILET.

MY MISTAKE.

YOU KNOW WHAT, CARL? YOU'RE NOT FUNNY -- JUST RUDE.

LET'S GET TOGETHER SOME TIME. THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

BYE. HEY, C'MON.

MMM....

OKAY, OKAY! HA HA HA!

OKAY.

WHY DON'T YOU LET CARL RUN YOU HOME?

NO, I'M AFRAID THAT'S WHERE YOUR LUCK RUNS OUT.

I CAN'T DRIVE, I'VE BEEN DRINKIN'.

WOULD YOU BUY A CAR?

ONE OF THESE DAYS.

GOD, YOU'RE FULL OF SHIT.

WHAT'S THAT? I'M FULL OF SHIT?

YES.

LEMME TELL YA -- I HAVE SEEN PEOPLE LEAVE THE BAR SO DRUNK THEY CAN'T EVEN SEE, AND OFF THEY SPEED IN THEIR GIANT SPORTS UTILITY VEHICLES.

WELL, YOU RUN INTO ONE OF THESE GUYS OUT ON THE STREET, AND YOU'RE GONNA DIE, AND YOU'RE GONNA DIE UGLY!

WOULD YOU RELAX?

( knock on door )

CHRIST, LOOK AT THIS HOUSE!

UH...I COME AT A BAD TIME?

UH, NO.

AS IF I WASN'T STRESSED-OUT ENOUGH.

I'LL LET YOU TWO TALK.

WHAT'D HE WANT?

OH, YOU KNOW, HE'S A COP.

THEY'RE NEVER SATISFIED UNLESS THEY ASK YOU EVERYTHING TEN TIMES.

AFTER THAT NIGHT AT McCOOL'S I WAS A MESS.

I COULDN'T CONCENTRATE...

I COULDN'T SLEEP...

I COULD BARELY EAT.

NOTHIN' DEEP-FRIED, ANYWAY.

I HAD THIS LONGING...

SOMETHING INSIDE OF ME SAID I HAD TO SEE THAT WOMAN AGAIN.

BOY, WAS I GLAD I GOT THERE AT THAT EXACT MOMENT.

HE WAS GETTING VERY ABUSIVE.

YOU'RE GONNA DIE, AND YOU'RE GONNA DIE UGLY!

IT WAS LIKE I HAD BEEN CHOSEN FOR A VERY SPECIAL ASSIGNMENT.

NOT BY THE DEPARTMENT, BUT BY A HIGHER POWER...

I WAS BEING SENT TO SAVE HER FROM HIM.

OH...

DID I... COME AT A BAD TIME?

UH, NO.

DIDN'T SEEM POSSIBLE, BUT SHE WAS EVEN MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN THE NIGHT I FIRST SAW HER.

AND I SAID, "GOOD AFTERNOON,"

THEN SHE SAID, "I'LL LET YOU TWO TALK."

THEN HE SAID --

NOT BAD, HUH?

THERE WAS SOMETHING ABOUT HIM I JUST DIDN'T LIKE.

ACCORDING TO YOUR STATEMENT, YOU CLOSED THE BAR AT ONE-THIRTY.

YOU DIDN'T CALL TO REPORT THE SHOOTING UNTIL THREE-FIFTY-EIGHT.

I NEED TO KNOW WHAT YOU WERE DOING DURING THAT TIME FRAME.

HAVEN'T WE ALREADY GONE OVER ALL THIS STUFF, MAN?

HEY, UH, JEWEL, HOW ABOUT CRACKIN' ME OPEN A BREW, HUH?

I DON'T KNOW, IT WAS, UH, I HAD TO COUNT ALL THAT MONEY, IT WAS A BUSY-ASS NIGHT, AWRIGHT?

I THINK ON THIS NIGHT WE HAD THOSE FRAT BOYS IN THERE, AND A COUPLE OF 'EM --

WHOA, WHOA -- WHADDYA DOIN'?

THIS GUY'S A COP.

HE CAN'T DRINK, HE'S ON THE JOB!

WHY DON'T YA DO SOMETHIN', Y'KNOW, MAKE YOURSELF USEFUL.

( angry: ) ALL RIGHT.

I'LL BE OUTSIDE -- WASHING THE CAR.

YEAH, YOU DO THAT.

MAN, I'M SORRY ABOUT HER.

( door slams )

FOR PUTTING THIS...

HUMAN OBSCENITY INTO THE PRESENCE OF SUCH A...

DIVINE CREATURE.

ANYWAY, THAT WAS THE NIGHT WE HAD ALL THESE FRAT BOYS IN AND THEY'RE TAKING "THE PLUNGE."

A COUPLE OF 'EM ENDED UP IN THE BATHROOM AND BARFIN' UP ALL OVER THE FLOOR...

I WASN'T LISTENING TO A WORD HE WAS SAYING...

I COULD ONLY THINK ABOUT HER...

I FELT SO GUILTY, LIKE I WAS BETRAYING THE MEMORY OF THERESA.

BUT I COULDN'T TAKE MY EYES OFF HER.

WELL I THINK IT'S TIME

TO GET READY

TO REALIZE JUST WHAT I HAVE FOUND

I HAVE BEEN ONLY HALF

OF WHAT I AM

IT'S ALL CLEAR TO ME NOW

MY HEART IS ON FIRE

MY SOUL'S LIKE A WHEEL THAT'S TURNING

MY LOVE IS ALIVE

MY LOVE IS ALIVE

YEAH YEAH YEAH

WHOO!

CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW I FELT?

YOU SHOULD SEE WHAT SHE DOES WITH MY HOSE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT WOULD MAKE ME INVITE HIM OVER FOR BARBECUE.

YOU DID SAY YOU WERE GOING TO.

HMM?

YEAH, BUT --

I SAY A LOT OF THINGS.

WHY DO YOU THINK YOU DID?

I DON'T KNOW.

YOU TELL ME.

THE WOMAN?

Carl: YOU KNOW, HE BRINGS HER AND SHE'S WEARING THIS NOTHING OF A DRESS, IT'S A SLIP! I MEAN, YOU CAN SEE EVERYTHING.

FOR A BARBECUE.

NO, NO, WAIT A SECOND, WHAT AM I THINKING? HOT PANTS.

THEY'RE LIKE CUPPING EVERYTHING, AND-AND THIS TOP --

YOU COULD DEFINITELY SEE HER STOMACH.

WAIT! NO, NO NO -- SORRY, IT WAS A DRESS.

IT WAS A DRESS, LIKE A, LIKE A SUMMER KIND OF FARMER GIRL DRESS, YOU KNOW?

WITH LIKE, CHERRIES AND PLUMS AND --

OKAY. LITTLE FRUITS.

SHE'S WALKING AND SHE'S BOUNCING AND THE GRAPES AND THE MELONS, AND THEY'RE JUST BA-BOOM, BA-BOOM --

THAT'S FINE, THANK YOU.

SHE'S SO SEXY, BUT PRETTY!

OKAY, ALL RIGHT! NO!

ALL RIGHT! THAT'S ENOUGH!

I GET THE PICTURE! LET'S JUST GO ON WITH THE STORY.

SO THEN --

IN ANY CASE, THE REASON I CALLED YOU WAS YOU'RE ONE GUY I CAN TRUST IN A SITUATION LIKE THIS.

I GOT A GUY WITH A HOLE IN THE BACK OF HIS HEAD WHERE THE EXIT WOUND WAS...

( Randy drones on )

OH WERE YOU JUST PLEASED TO SEE ME

AS YOU ALL KNOW

YOU BETTER TAKE CARE

TREAT ME WITH RESPECT

BECAUSE LOVE IS RARE

AS YOU ALL KNOW

YOU BETTER BEWARE

TREAT ME WITH RESPECT...

UM, WOULD ANYBODY CARE FOR ANOTHER BURGER?

I'LL HAVE A HOT DOG.

IF YOU HAVE ONE.

( chuckles sheepishly )

AND THEN SHE GRABS ME AND SHE SAYS, "LET'S GET TOGETHER SOMETIME."

SO SHE WAS COMING ON TO YOU?

YEAH.

IT DOESN'T SURPRISE ME, REALLY.

IT DOESN'T.

NO, 'CAUSE --

I MEAN, I DON'T MEAN TO SOUND FULL OF MYSELF, BUT-- BUT WHAT?

YOU'RE IRRESISTIBLE?

WOMEN... WOMEN FIND ME ATTRACTIVE.

DO YOU THINK I'M ATTRACTED TO YOU?

WELL, YOU'RE A DOCTOR, SO I THINK YOU HAVE THAT PROFESSIONAL RESERVE.

BUT EVEN SO, I THINK I FELT SOMETHING WHEN I WALKED IN THE OFFICE.

IT'S OKAY, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

YOU DON'T WANNA HEAR ABOUT ALL THIS.

NO, NO, NO -- GO ON, GO ON.

YOU GOT THE CAR, YOU'RE FEELIN' GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF AGAIN, AND BOOM!

THE SEX PICKS UP AGAIN, RIGHT?

WELL, NOT EXACTLY.

Randy: I WAS WATCHIN' A LOT OF CABLE...

Jewel: RANDY! ( door slams )

RANDY.

( sighs ) CAN WE TALK?

SURE.

WHAT DID YOU DO ALL DAY?

I'M WATCHIN' THIS NORWEGIAN MOVIE AGAIN, MARIA MARUSHKA.

IT'S REALLY GOOD.

RANDY..I THINK NOT HAVING A JOB IS STARTING TO GET TO YOU.

NO. IT'S NOT HAVING ANY MONEY THAT'S STARTING TO GET TO ME.

WELL, THAT IS WHY I THINK WE NEED TO TALK.

WITH WHAT THEY PAY ME AT THE STORE WE CAN BARELY COVER OUR BILLS, NOT TO MENTION THE NEW DINETTE SET I WANT, OR THE WINDOW TREATMENTS I WANT IN THIS ROOM.

WELL, I'M SORRY, THERE'S NOT MUCH MORE I CAN DO.

I MEAN, NOBODY SEEMS TO BE HIRING.

THAT'S WHY I WENT TO McCOOL'S TODAY AND SPOKE TO YOUR OLD BOSS, JOEY.

WHAT!

YOU DIDN'T GO DOWN THERE AND-AND BEG HIM TO GIVE ME MY JOB BACK!

OF COURSE I DIDN'T!

GOOD.

BUT I AM GOING TO THE MOODY BLUES WITH HIM WHAT? TOMORROW NIGHT.

HE SEEMS TO THINK THEY'RE THE SECOND COMING, BUT THEY'RE REALLY NOT MY CUP OF TEA.

WAIT A MINUTE! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?

I'M DOING THIS FOR US AS A COUPLE, RANDY.

AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, I'M DOING THIS FOR YOU AND YOUR SENSE OF SELF-WORTH.

HUH?

I THINK THAT YOU HAVE A LOT OF ANGER TOWARDS JOEY, AND THAT BECAUSE OF THAT, YOU FEEL LESS OF A MAN BECAUSE OF HIS POWER TO TAKE AWAY YOUR LIVELIHOOD.

YOU THINK I'M GONNA HAVE LESS ANGER AND FEEL LIKE MORE OF A MAN IF YOU START DATING THIS GUY?!

NO.

I'M SUGGESTING THAT TOMORROW NIGHT WHEN YOU KNOW HE'S AT THE CONCERT, YOU GO TO HIS HOUSE AND YOU STEAL EVERYTHING OF VALUE THAT YOU CAN GET FIT INTO OUR CAR.

YOU'RE JOKING.

NO.

I MEAN, COME ON, THE GUY FIRED YOU.

AND HE STILL OWES YOU SIX HOURS OVERTIME, RIGHT?

I JUST DON'T THINK HE KNOWS WHAT HE HAD WITH YOU.

YOU'RE SO WONDERFUL, YOU'RE THE BEST BARTENDER I'VE EVER SEEN BY FAR.

YOU KNOW, THE WAY YOU WORKED THOSE CROWDS, YOU REALLY HAD 'EM IN THE PALM OF YOUR HAND.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU REMINDED ME OF?

WHAT?

A ROCK STAR.

REALLY?

REALLY.

I DON'T KNOW...

I JUST...

I DON'T SEE MYSELF DOING SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

IT'S CRAZY.

ONCE WE FENCE ALL HIS STUFF, WE'LL MAKE A PRETTY NICE CHUNK OF CHANGE.

LOOK, FORGET IT!

THERE'S NO WAY.

ABSOLUTELY NOT.

BUT YOU DID IT, OF COURSE.

YEAH, I DID IT.

Randy: I KNEW JOEY WOULD HAVE A BIG CD COLLECTION...

AND I WAS SURPRISED AT ALL THE OTHER COOL STUFF HE HAD.

YOU KNOW, JEWEL MUST HAVE TAKEN A FEW MORE PSYCHOLOGY COURSES THAN ME, BECAUSE AS CRAZY AS I THOUGHT THE WHOLE IDEA WAS, AS RELUCTANT AS I WAS TO DO IT, BY THE END OF THE EVENING, I FELT GREAT.

( funk music blares )

I STILL WONDER HOW SHE TALKED ME INTO IT.

HERE'S A WILD GUESS.

YEAH.

THAT PROBABLY HAD SOMETHIN' TO DO WITH IT.

I GOT MONEY IN MY POCKET

I'VE GOT LOVIN' IN THE AIR

THERE IS NOTHIN' THAT WILL STOP ME

AND I REALLY JUST DON'T CARE

I JUST WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE

THAT'S THE WAY IT'S GONNA BE

AND NOTHIN'S GONNA PULL ME DOWN

'CAUSE YOU KNOW THAT I BELIEVE

THE SUN'S GONNA SHINE

SHINE

IT'S GOTTA BE LOVE FROM THE VERY START

IT'S GOTTA BE LOVE FROM THE VERY START... JEWEL?

THE INDIAN STAYS.

I WASN'T GONNA THROW HIM AWAY.

Randy: FOR A WHILE THERE, WE ALMOST SEEMED LIKE A NORMAL COUPLE.

Burmeister: YOU'RE SLAMMIN' IT NIGHT AND DAY, POPPIN' YOUR CORK LIKE A BARTENDER AT A MOB WEDDING, THEN ONE DAY, LIKE IT ALWAYS HAPPENS ALL THAT GOOD NOOKIE TURNS SOUR ON YA.

YEAH.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

OH, NOTHING. TRASH.

AH-AH-AH.

RANDY, COME ON, WE HAVE TO THROW SOME THINGS AWAY.

BUT NOT MY SNO-GLOBES, COME ON!

CAN'T WE JUST COMPROMISE AND THROW ONE SNO-GLOBE AWAY?

JEWEL, THESE CAME FROM MY MOM.

SEE THIS ONE HERE?

SHE BROUGHT IT BACK FROM CHICAGO.

SEE, IT'S GOT THE SEARS TOWER HERE, AND THIS ONE HERE IS VERY SPECIAL.

YA SEE, MY MOM USED TO SAY THAT THIS WAS OUR HOUSE, AND AS LONG AS I NEVER BROKE IT, WE'D ALWAYS HAVE A PLACE TO STAY.

I KNOW SHE WAS ONLY JOKING, BUT STILL...

YOU'RE A SICK PUPPY, MAN.

SO WHAT KIND OF JOB DO YOU HAVE AT THIS POINT?

I HADN'T GOT ONE YET.

IT WAS SORT OF AN ONGOING PROBLEM BETWEEN US.

I-29, I-2-9.

I WAS OFFERED THE LUNCH SHIFT AT TGI-FRIDAY'S...

YOU LUCKY STIFF.

FROM UNEMPLOYMENT, I MEAN..

NO, YOU GOT IT, YOU WON -- I-29.

OH YEAH.

UM..

UH, BINGO.

( all groaning )

WE HAVE A WINNER!

I GOTTA BE HONEST WITH YOU, MY YOUNG FRIEND.

I'M LEANING TOWARDS THE GIRL ON THIS ONE, I MEAN, SHE'S MADE YOUR DUMP NICE AND LIVABLE, YOU'RE GETTIN' GOOD ACTION ON THE MATTRESS...

Bingo person: HOLD ONTO IT TILL YOU CASH OUT.

LEAST YOU COULD DO IS MAKE SOME MONEY.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD BE PLAYIN' BINGO.

THAT'S WHY...

WE DECIDED TO DO ANOTHER...

YOU KNOW, BREAK-IN.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "WE"?

YEAH, JEWEL AND ME, I MEAN, I'M NO CRIMINAL.

I BET HE'S GOT A DVD.

I'D LOVE TO HAVE ONE OF THOSE.

WHOA.

WE'RE GOING TO MONTAGUE'S, SO I BORROWED SOMETHING FROM THE DESIGNER SECTION AT THE STORE.

I JUST THINK YOU MIGHT HAVE OVERSHOT, I MEAN, EVEN FOR MONTAGUE'S.

REALLY?

YEAH.

YOU KNOW...

MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T BE DOING THIS.

THE BURGLARY?

YEAH. OH, RANDY!

JOEY'S IS ONE THING, BUT THIS IS SOMETHING ELSE.

WOULD YOU BE HAPPIER IF WE WEREN'T?

SURE, WOULDN'T YOU?

I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY.

THESE ARE ALL PICTURES FROM MAGAZINES, THINGS I'VE SAVED.

THINGS THAT I WANT IN MY HOUSE SOMEDAY.

I'VE BEEN CARRYING THIS THING AROUND WITH ME FOR YEARS.

WHENEVER I FEEL LONELY OR GET DEPRESSED, I JUST ADD IN A NEW COUCH OR A NEW SET OF DRAPES AND...

I DON'T KNOW, JUST DREAM.

IT MAKES ME HAPPY TO THINK THAT SOMEDAY I MIGHT ACTUALLY LIVE IN THE KIND OF HOUSE THAT LOOKS LIKE IT BELONGS IN A MAGAZINE.

YOU WANT ME TO BE HAPPY, DON'T YOU, RANDY?

OF COURSE I DO.

Burmeister: SO WHO WAS IT THIS TIME?

Randy: JUST SOME GUY -- GOD KNOWS HOW THEY MET.

THEY WERE GOING TO SOME FANCY RESTAURANT, MONTAGUE'S.

JEWEL WAS SURE SHE COULD KEEP HIM THERE FOR AT LEAST THREE HOURS.

IT WAS A GOOD THING, TOO, BECAUSE IT WAS GONNA TAKE A LITTLE TIME TO CLEAN THIS GUY OUT -- HE HAD EVERYTHING.

( panting )

AT FIRST I COULDN'T FIND HIS DVD PLAYER, AND I REALLY NEEDED TO, SINCE JEWEL WANTED ONE.

SO I WENT UPSTAIRS AND THERE IT WAS.

DVD!

BINGO!

( all groan ) HIM AGAIN?!

Bingo lady: Not to worry, that was a false alarm.

SORRY.

IT WAS LIKE SOME GAME SHOW WHERE THEY SEND YOU ON A SHOPPING SPREE.

I FOUND A NICE NEW ROLEX --

MUCH NICER THAN MY OLD SWATCH.

UNFORTUNATELY, THIS GUY WAS I GUESS A MIDGET.

( rip! )

( tires screech )

AND THEN THINGS STARTED GOIN' WRONG...

WHAT'S THIS?

THIS IS THE PLACE WHERE IT ALL HAPPENS, BABY.

COME ON.

MI CASA, ES SU CASA.

GREG! I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING OUT SOMEWHERE!

WHY GO OUT, BABY?

WE GOT IT ALL RIGHT HERE!

BEST SOUND SYSTEM YOU EVER HEARD, A LITTLE HOT TUB, SWIMMING POOL...

THE GREGSTER MIGHT EVEN BREAK OUT HIS SECRET STASH OF BLOW.

UH, GREG...

UH, I THOUGHT, UH...

WHY DON'T WE JUST DRIVE FOR A LITTLE LONGER, THIS CAR MAKES ME SO HOT!

I'LL LEAVE THE FRONT DOOR OPEN IF YOU WANNA FOLLOW ME, OKAY?


Jewel: GREG?

SCORE!

OH, SHIT!

GREG?

GREG?

GREG!!!

Randy!

( Greg inhaling )

I HAD A FEELING YOU'D FIND YOUR WAY.

THIS IS A NICE HOUSE.

TOO BAD YOU'RE SUCH A SHIT.

HEH!

Greg: A LITTLE DIRTY-TALKER.

OKAY, OKAY, COME ON, LET'S TALK.

WHY DON'T WE GO DOWNSTAIRS AND HAVE A DRINK?

I HAVE A BETTER IDEA, BABY. LET'S TALK AFTER.

BITCH! STOP!!!

COME ON, BABY, COME ON!

GET OFF ME!

HA HA!

BITCH.

YOU LIKE IT A LITTLE ROUGH, HUH?

OH, YEAH, YOU WANNA PLAY?

WE'LL PLAY ROUGH.

WE'LL PLAY VERY --

UNGH!

OH, MY GOD, I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.

WHAT IS IT WITH YOU?

EVERYWHERE YOU GO, THERE'S A DEAD GUY.

TAKE THE DVD.

TAKE THE DVD!


I'M NOT TAKIN' THE DVD.

AND WE DIDN'T END UP WITH A THING.

DID YOU FORGET ABOUT THE DEAD GUY ON THE FLOOR?

NO, I DID NOT FORGET ABOUT THE DEAD GUY ON THE FLOOR, BUT WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT HIM RIGHT NOW, WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THE DEAD GUY ON THE FLOOR'S STUFF, AND HE HAD A LOT OF STUFF, STUFF WE COULD HAVE TAKEN IF YOU WEREN'T SUCH A CHICKENSHIT.

WHAT'S THAT?

SO NOW I'M A CHICKENSHIT, IS THAT IT?

YES, I BELIEVE THAT'S THE TECHNICAL TERM FOR WHAT YOU ARE.

YEAH, WELL, I'D RATHER BE A CHICKENSHIT THAN WHATEVER THE HELL IS IT THAT YOU ARE.

I'M THE WOMAN LIVING WITH THE CHICKENSHIT.

NOT FOR LONG.

YEAH, NOT FOR LONG, THAT'S RIGHT, BECAUSE I NEED A REAL MAN, SOMEONE I CAN COUNT ON, NOT A CHICKENSHIT LIKE YOU.

( knocking ) AH, GOOD, COMPANY.

TV: Thus far, police have no leads...

( Randy gasps )

IT'S THAT COP!

A LOT OF STOLEN STUFF LYIN' AROUND NOW?

( knocking )

YOU'RE A GENIUS.

HI. MORNING.

THOUGHT YOU'D WANNA KNOW WE CLOSED THE INVESTIGATION ON THE SHOOTING AT McCOOL'S, NO CHARGES WILL BE FILED.

WE'RE GONNA LET YOU SLIDE ON THE UNREGISTERED GUN

'CAUSE IT WAS SELF-DEFENSE.

THANKS.

EVERYTHING OKAY, MA'AM?

YEAH. SURE.

THOSE ARE SOME PRETTY NASTY BRUISES.

HUH?

OH YEAH, SHE -- HAD AN ACCIDENT.

ACCIDENT?

WOULD YOU MIND IF I TALK TO HER FOR A MINUTE?

SURE.

ALONE?

OKAY.

Randy: AT THE TIME, I WAS GLAD JEWEL WAS GONNA TALK TO HIM.

SHE KNEW HOW TO HANDLE THE COPS, WHAT TO SAY TO GET RID OF 'EM.

SHE WAS GOOD THAT WAY...

THOSE ARE SOME PRETTY NASTY BRUISES.

WOULD YOU MIND IF I SPOKE TO HER FOR A MINUTE?

KNOCK YOURSELF OUT.

CHARLIE, WHAT IS IT?

WHY WOULD GOD FILL ME WITH THIS DESIRE IF I WASN'T MEANT TO BE WITH HER?

SOMETIMES SOME TIME APART IS THE BEST THING.

I COULD ARRANGE THAT.

WOULD I GET TO STAY IN THE HOUSE?

A TEMPORARY RESTRAINING ORDER WOULD KEEP HIM WAY FOR...90 DAYS.

BUT PERMANENTLY?

YOU'D HAVE TO GET A LAWYER.

DO YOU KNOW ONE?

YEAH. I KNOW ONE.

SHE CALLED YOU?

YES -- I DIDN'T CALL HER.

SHE TELLS ME THINGS ARE GOING BADLY WITH RANDY, SO I THOUGHT MAYBE I COULD HELP HER OUT AND INTRODUCE HER TO ONE OF THE GUYS IN MY OFFICE.

IN FACT, I DID, I ONCE INTRODUCED HER TO THIS OTHER ATTORNEY, GREG, WHO'S THIS...

GUY WHO WAS MURDERED.

WERE YOU?

YES, YOU COULD SAY THAT.

SEXUAL PROBLEMS?

HEY, YOU KNOW...

OKAY, IF YOU WANT TO LABEL IT, YEAH.

BUT I'M NOT SAYING IT'S KAREN'S FAULT.

WAS IT YOUR FAULT?

MAYBE IT WAS KAREN'T FAULT.

WAS THERE SEX BETWEEN YOU AND THIS WOMAN?

YES.

YOU WANT IT NOW, LAWYER BOY?

YES! YES,PLEASE!

OH, MY GOD!

OH, MY GOD!

OH, MY GOD!

WHAT HAPPENED THERE?

WH-WHY'D WE STOP?

WHAT?

I NEED TO ASK YOU FOR A FAVOR.

ANYTHING AT ALL -- ANYTHING!

UM-HMM, UM-HMM.

I'M GONNA NEED SOME LEGAL ADVICE SOON.

YOU GOT IT!

YOU GOT IT.

YOU AREN'T JUST SAYING THAT? YOU GOT IT.

YOU WANT THIS? YOU LIKE IT?

CAN YOU HELP ME? ANYTHING!

SAY IT!

I WILL GIVE YOU LEGAL ADVICE.

SAY IT! I WILL GIVE YOU LEGAL ADVICE!

SAY..IT!!!

I'M SAYING, I WILL GIVE YOU LEGAL ADVICE.

YEAH? WHOOAH!

SHE WHIPPED YOU? YES.

WITH A WHIP? YES.

AND YOU ENJOYED IT?

YES.

Charlie: I SPENT SO MUCH TIME GOING BY HER HOUSE, IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW MY INTENTIONS WERE PURE YOU'D THINK I WAS STALKING HER.

HELLO.

HI.

I LOOKED FOR ANY EXCUSE TO GO SEE HER.

I SPOKE TO A FRIEND OF MINE ABOUT HELPING YOU WITH KEEPING THE HOUSE.

OH, GOOD. THANKS.

I, UH, I JUST WISH I HAD KNOWN A BIT SOONER.

SEE, I ALREADY SORT OF CONTACTED THIS OTHER LAWYER.

WELL, IF YOU'D RATHER USE HIM --

IT'S JUST THAT I'M NOT SURE IF I CAN GET MY RETAINER BACK.

WELL, LAWYERS --

THEY'LL ALWAYS TRY TO FIND A WAY TO SCREW YOU.

YEAH.

WELL, I-I BETTER --

I, UH -- YEAH?

I WAS MAKING SOME SUPPER...

IF YOU'D LIKE TO, IT'S NOTHING SPECIAL.

SURELY THIS WAS THE HAND OF GOD.

HOW DO YOU MEAN, CHARLIE?

IN AN INSTANT I WAS TRANSFORMED FROM A BROKEN MAN, MADE WHOLE.

IT WAS LIKE THERESA HAD BEEN BROUGHT BACK TO ME.

SHE EVEN LOOKED LIKE THERESA --

THE WAY SHE MOVED, THE WAY SHE SMILED...

HER SKIN IS LIKE VELVET

HER FACE CUT FROM STONE

HER EYES WHEN SHE'S SMILING... CAN I HELP YOU WITH THAT? NO THANKS.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

SHE EVEN MADE LINGUINI WITH TOMATOES AND ONIONS LIKE THERESA USED TO.

LINGUINI WITH TOMATOES AND ONIONS.

JEEZ.

( noise outside )

WHAT'S THAT?

OH -- NOTHING.

PROBABLY JUST A CAT GOT INTO THE GARBAGE.

BREAD? THANKS.

HOW COME YOU NEVER WEAR A UNIFORM?

I'M A DETECTIVE.

SOMTIMES I DO, IT DEPENDS.

I BET YOU LOOK REAL GOOD IN IT.

I COULDN'T WIPE THE GOOFY SMILE OFF MY FACE.

I WAS SO HAPPY...

BECAUSE OF HER I LOST MY JOB, I LOST MY HOUSE, I'M AN ACCESSORY IN NOT ONLY ONE BUT TWO MURDERS.

SHH!

Randy: I COULDN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT HER...

OKAY, MAYBE I WASN'T ALLOWED ON THE PROPERTY, BUT THAT DIDN'T MEAN I COULDN'T KEEP AN EYE ON HER.

( broken glass )

AND THEN...

SHE DID SOMETHING THAT SENT ME OVER THE EDGE.

I KNEW I HAD TO DO SOMETHING...

SOMETHING DRASTIC TO SALVAGE WHAT LITTLE I HAD LEFT.

I GOT THE TEN THOUSAND.

BINGO PARLOR, RIGHT?

Burmeister: Yeah.

THE CODE IS, I SAY, "IT LOOKS LIKE WE MIGHT GET SOME RAIN"...

WE CAME UP WITH A CODE.

I SAID, "LOOKS LIKE WE MIGHT GET SOME RAIN"--

YEAH, YEAH, I KNOW THIS PART.

YEAH, RIGHT.

YOU SLEPT WITH RANDY'S GIRLFRIEND?!

I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE I NEVER DID ANYTHING FOR HIM.

HE CALLED AND HE NEEDED TEN GRAND, SO I ADVISED HIM FOR FREE, I ADVISED HIM HOW HE COULD BORROW AGAINST THAT OLD CRAPPY HOUSE HIS MOM LEFT HIM.

YOU'RE MISSING THE POINT.

HOW DID YOU FEEL AFTER YOU SLEPT WITH YOUR COUSIN'SGIRLFRIEND?

HE'S NOT EVEN A COUSIN, REALLY, HE'S MY UNCLE'S WIFE'S BROTHER'S KID.

SO HE'S NOT A BLOOD RELATIVE OR ANYTHING.

DID SHE EVER CALL AND ASK FOR LEGAL ADVICE?

NO. NO. I KEEP WAITING.

IT'S LIKE SHE'S TEASING ME.

I'M DYING TO GIVE HER LEGAL ADVICE.

I JUST SEEM TO BE THINKING ABOUT HER MORE AND MORE...

Woman: EXCUSE ME.

THERE'S A POLICE DETECTIVE HERE TO SEE YOU ABOUT GREG.

SURE.

THANKS.

SORRY ABOUT THE MESS, I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF CHANGING OFFICES.

HOW WELL DID YOU KNOW GREG SPRADLING?

UH, NOT THAT WELL, WE WORKED HERE FOR THE LAST FOUR OR FIVE YEARS.

YOU WERE BOTH UP FOR THE SAME PROMOTION, WEREN'T YOU?

NO, NOT --

NOT REALLY.

GREG WAS A GOOD GUY --

NO DISRESPECT FOR THE DEAD --

NOT REALLY PARTNER MATERIAL.

SO NO MATTER WHO I'M TALKING TO, SHE'S JUST -- SHE'S ON MY MIND.

CAN YOU THINK OF ANYTHING THAT MIGHT BE USEFUL TO US IN OUR INVESTIGATION?

SOUNDS TO ME LIKE HE PICKED UP SOME ROUGH TRADE.

WHO KNOWS WHAT HAPPENED.

THERE COULD HAVE BEEN...

LEATHER.

THERE COULD HAVE BEEN SOME BONDAGE...

MAYBE THOSE SPIKY THINGS...

MAYBE SOME WHIPPING.

COULD HAVE BEEN PRETTY KINKY.

BUT WE ALL KNOW WHAT THAT'S LIKE, RIGHT?

NO SIR, I DON'T.

THAT'S HOW MUCH SHE MESSED ME UP.

I MEAN, I'M BEING INVESTIGATED FOR A MURDER, AND ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS HER.

AND THE WHIP? YES.

THERE WAS ANOTHER REASON I WENT TO SEE HER THAT DAY.

SOMETHING HAD COME UP AT WORK...

THE SHOEPRINTS WE FOUND ON WINFIELD ROAD TURNED OUT TO BE CONVERSE ALL-STARS, THE SAME BRAND THE BOYFRIEND WORE.

AND IF HE WAS THERE, THERE WAS A CHANCE SHE MIGHT HAVE BEEN.

I HAD THE SAME SICK FEELING IN MY STOMACH THAT I HAD WHEN I WAS WAITING FOR THERESA'S RESULTS TO COME BACK FROM THE LAB AT THE HOSPITAL.

UNFORTUNATELY, HER PRINT DID MATCH ONE AT THE MURDER SITE.

THAT SCUM, THAT BOYFRIEND OF HERS...

THERE'S NO TELLING WHAT HE FORCED HER TO DO BEFORE I CAME ALONG -- I WASN'T GOING TO LET HER GET DRAGGED INTO A MURDER INVESTIGATION.

I KNEW SHE HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.

THERE'S SOMETHING I HAVE TO ASK YOU.

IS IT AN INSIDE QUESTION OR AN OUTSIDE QUESTION?

THERE WAS A BURGLARY LAST WEEK ON WINFIELD ROAD.

A MAN WAS KILLED.

WAS SHE ABLE TO CONVINCE YOU THAT SHE DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT?

SHE WAS VERY CONVINCING...

IT WAS A MIRACLE!

THE WAY YOU MOVE

YOUR SEXY BODY

IT MAKES WE WANT TO GET TO KNOW YOU

THIS...

THIS IS ALL I HAVE LEFT.

HOW NOT PERFECT CAN ONE WOMAN BE?

ACES IN THE BOINK DEPARTMENT.

GOT YOURSELF A SNAZZY NEW WATCH.

LIKE THIS IS SUPPOSED TO MAKE EVERYTHING BETTER?

BUT YOU GOTTA ADMIT, THAT'S A BEAUT.

HERE'S THE MONEY, JUST TAKE IT.

TAKE IT. TAKE IT! SHH!

KID -- EASY, EASY.

WOULD THE OWNER OF A BLUE GEO METRO MISSOURI LICENSE PLATES 87KP03 PLEASE REPORT TO THE FRONT DESK.

IS THAT MY CAR?

YOU GOT ANY IDEA WHAT THEY WANT?

NO.

IS THERE ANY POSSIBILITY THAT SHE MIGHT HAVE --

STOLEN? YEAH.

Bingo lady: I want to remind everyone that Saturday is "Hawaiian Night."

SHE GAVE ME A STOLEN CAR.

WOMAN ARE MUCH MORE COMPLICATED THAN WE THINK THEY ARE.

C'MON, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

We'll get back to the game as soon as the troopers finish their business.

Cop: SIR, IS THIS YOUR CAR?

Burmeister: THAT PIECE OF SHIT?

OFFICER, WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE?

YOU KNOW, TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, SHE DOESN'T SOUND WORSE THAN MOST OF 'EM.

BUT YOU'LL DO IT, RIGHT?

BUSINESS IS BUSINESS.

A WANTED MAN IN MISSISSIPPI

A WANTED MAN IN OLD CHEYENNE

WHEREVER YOU MIGHT LOOK TONIGHT

YOU MIGHT SEE THIS WANTED MAN WHAT DO YOU THINK?

OH, WHAT DO I THINK?

OH, THE FLESH IS WEAK...

BUT OURS IS A FORGIVING GOD.

BUT I DESTROYED EVIDENCE, I WITHHELD INFORMATION FOR A MURDER INVESTIGATION.

CHARLIE, LOOK --

YOU DESERVE SOME HAPPINESS.

THE KIND OF HAPPINESS THAT A...

...A GOOD WOMAN CAN BRING A MAN.

( sighs )

OH...

YES, I HAVE THIS GREAT JOB AND THIS GREAT OFFICE AND THIS GREAT FAMILY AND THIS GREAT HOUSE --

HOW DOES THIS MAKE YOU FEEL?

EMPTY.

I FEEL NOTHING.

AND WHO KNOWS, IT HAPPENED SO FAST, I MEAN, HERE'S THIS GUY IN MY OFFICE, WHAT IS HE, THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, AND HE GOES LIKE THAT.

I COULD WALK OUT OF YOUR OFFICE AND GET HIT BY A TRUCK.

I DON'T WANT TO LIVE LIKE THAT ANYMORE, LET ME JUST FEEL SOMETHING, ANYTHING, AND THEN I WILL LOOK UP AND I WILL SAY, "THANK YOU, GOD, THANK YOU FOR THAT GIFT."

AND...THEN IF THE TRUCK WANTS TO GET ME, THEN OKAY.

AND THEN I MEET THIS WOMAN, SHE MAKES ME FEEL...

( sniffling )

THANK YOU.


OH...

OH, YEAH.

THERE IT IS. TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA COUNT IT?

NAH.

YOU TRUST ME?

NO. BUT I DO KILL PEOPLE.

RIGHT.

I'LL BE CALLIN' BY SEVEN.

YOU THINK I'M A BAD PERSON?

GOOD AFTERNOON, GENTLEMEN, WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY OUR NEW FRAGRANCE?

GOOD AFTER --