Opportunity Knocks (1990) Script

- Go well past it. Right.

Oh, I thought...

You need to go one block this way...

This is LaSalle? This is LaSalle Street.

All you have to do is go two blocks this way, one block that way, and you're there.

Thanks. Sure.

Holy shit.

Tom, I just hit somebody. Can you believe it?

Okay, Le Petit Auberge at 8:00. Right.

Oh, damn!

Is he all right? Somebody call an ambulance!

It wasn't my fault. He stepped off the curb in front of me. You saw it, didn't you?

I saw it. Great. Great. ls he okay? You saw him jump in front of my car, right?

Do you mind? This man is hurt. Someone call the police.

Please? Call the police. No, no.

I'll call them. No.

I'm late for work. I'm gonna get fired my first day on the job.

L-I-l don't think you should move.

You could have internal bleeding or soft tissue injury.

What? Look, you're sitting up. You're fine.

We should wait for the police. They're gonna know what to do with this.

Ow. Oh. You might think about calling your lawyer.

Hey, look. We do not have to make a federal case out of this thing, huh?

Why don't I give you, say, uh, ooh, uh, a hundred dollars for your troubles?

What? Ow. My cousin Al got nailed one time like this.

I think he got paid something like a million-five.

Okay, okay, uh, everything I got. Uh, 266.

I'm late. What time is it?

The guy can't afford a watch, you give him a lousy 266?

Here. Take mine.

Really? Thanks. That's a nice ring.

Ow. All right. Come on.

Easy. Easy. Ow! Geez! Okay. Take it easy.

Move out of the way! Give the guy some room!

Ice is good for this. Take care of the leg, all right?

Okay. Yeah, he's... Very good.

Ice and heat. No, heat and ice! That's it.

Boy, you are a lucky guy. Huh? Oh, yeah.

Hey, um, little word of advice, if you don't mind. Advice?

From now on, hands on the wheel, eyes on that road.

Okay? Wheel, road. All right.

- No, no, no, no! Whoa, whoa. Whoa.

Oh, ladies. Hello. What?

Please accept this gift on behalf of the city of Chicago.

Thank you very much, and have a nice day. Bye!

Hey! Think fast.

Lou, Lou, Lou.

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.

That new bit about your cousin Al?

That was genius. Thank you.

You see that guy's face when you said a million-five?


You know, Lou, that was your best hit ever! Thank you.

Not only that, now we can eat something tonight, huh?

Well, now that depends on who won the exacta in the sixth.

Oh, no, not again.

Sammy swore to me that that jockey was paid off!

Lou, you don't bet horses. You bet dogs. I know.

Horses are a... A gamble.

Dogs are a... Investment.

Smart guys are dog guys. Dog guys. I know.

Hello, Lou! No!

Hey, hey, easy, easy. Pink, easy.

He don't call me, bet a grand and stand me up for three days.

I want it all, and I want it now! Did you hear that, Lou?

That's what I admire about this man.

The directness, the ability to express urgency.

Very important when running a business.

You think you're funny.

Sal Nichols is gonna tear your head off. Is that funny enough for you?

That's very funny. Louis.

Can I have your money, please?

Thank you.

That's 266. So we owe Mr. Nichols what?

What do I look like, a rocket scientist?

All right, uh, $734.

He's gonna have it tomorrow.

You'd better, 'cause I don't like you guys. - Really? Hmm.

'Cause we like you. We should hang out. I'm not just saying that.

And you know what? Lately you look good.

Did you change your hair or lose some weight? Whatever it is, it works.



Where are we gonna get 700 bucks, huh?

Yeah? Bob Marley, Lakeshore Utility.

We've got a class-A level gas leak in the neighborhood.

Get a reading, Tommy! Right!

Uh, wait a second. Apologize for the inconvenience, sir.

Excuse me... It cannot be helped.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. How long is this gonna take?

No way of telling that.

Smell that? Whoo! Hmm.

I don't smell anything. Because you've been here the whole time.

Anyone else here? Children, dogs, fish?

My wife took the kids to their karate lesson. What are you getting?

High readings. Oh, hell.

Is that bad?

Where's that furnace?

It's in the basement. This way.

Tommy, check every room, and make sure that it is safe.

This way. Come on. All right. Just don't touch me.


What's that? That's the dryer.

Clothes dryer? Yes. It's electric.

You don't sound too sure. No, it's electric.

What's that? - That's my...my lawn mower.

How long you had it? I don't know.

A couple years. Why?

Could be nothing. What is going on?

Maybe you should tell me.

Well, looks like 12-gauge, 7.1 hardened steel.

Less than six inches off the ground.

Does it always make that sound? Is that dangerous?

- There it is. What?

Bob, get up here! I've got a gas pocket!

I can't ! I just pushed the gas-flow igniter!

I need you right now! This whole house could blow up!

Oh, Jesus! Come here, come here, come here.

Put your finger on this button. Come on.

Now, do not let go of that button. Do you understand me?

Whatever happens, do not let go. Right.

L-I-l understand. I understand.

Come on.

All right. All right, all right, okay. Easy.

What's going on?

Uh, nothing to worry about.

Just decompressing the gas pocket. Decompressing the gas?

Stan! We're home, honey! Oh.

Don't come in! There's a gas pocket!

It's okay, though. The men are here.

Why do they have our television?

Ain't this one of them new gas TVs?

I'm calling the police. Hah! Hah!

Now, uh, just take it easy, kids.

We don't wanna hurt you. Hah!

Eddie, let's get out of here!

Stan, get upstairs!

Boys, be careful!

Go, go, go! Go! Kids, be careful!

Boys, come back! Yah! Yah!

Let's not ever... tell anyone what just happened.

What are you doing? What? Check it out.

No lights on, newspapers, no killer kids...

Bida-bing-bam-boom. No, no. We are not break-in men, Lou.

We are con artists. All right?

Eddie, this is no time for splitting hairs. I got Pinkie allover me, man.

I'm in the mood for a good, old-fashioned burglary. No, no.

This is not your field, okay?

I would rather be alive burglar... than a dead con artist.

Come on. No. No. No.

You're a surgeon, Lou. Excuse me.



Ah! Go! Get out!

Shut it! Shh!

I just shut... I'm sorry. Okay. All right.

God! Oh, Eddie, man, look at this place.

Oh, my God. Someone lives here.

Yes. And I hate them for it.

God, this place has everything. Oh.

Look at that. Take what you have to take, and let's get the hell out.

Okay. Decisions, decisions.

Eddie. Eddie, give me a hand.

Al/ right, all right. Ow. Shine the light.

Okay. CD player. An excellent choice. Thanks.

Hi, you've reached David Malkin. I'm off to India.

I'll be gone a few months, but you can leave a message for Jonathan Albertson.

He 'll be staying at the house. Thanks.

Go. Let's go. Go.

David, it's Jonathan.

You probably missed this call, but they upped that offer on that job in Seattle, and I couldn't pass up the big bucks. Go.

The nub of it is, I can't house-sit for you.

What? As Pericles said to the Athenians, "Let each man receive according to his merits. '"

That's me, pal. C'est la vie.

♪ Good thing I'

Eddie. Creamsicles. This guy really does have everything.

As Pericles said to the Athenians, I really need another beer.

Okay. This is the life.

Really. When I hit it big, I'm gonna get this.

Big screen TV. Same deal. Pool table, wife, kids.

Me too. Same deal. TV, wife, kids.

I'm afraid.

Eddie, the guy's in India.

No, that's not it.

It's the idea of you having children.

That's one of the most frightening things I've ever heard of in my life.


All right, let's go see Max.

Breaking and entering.

What did you do, take stupid pills? You got the gift.

I knew you had it when you brought home your first bicycle.

What were you, eight?

You can play people like a Stradivarius.

But that guy back there is a plumber. Oh, no. No, not this again.

Now, come on. He's my friend. Loyalty I like.

He's my friend! But that guy's a bozo.

You've been carrying him since you were 11. You need a new partner.

Well, you could always come out of retirement. Huh? Eddie... Don't tempt me.

Come on. The good old days were great! Let's move those legs!

I'm an old guy. Come on. Cut it out.

I was good, wasn't I? Yeah, you were.

You know, Eddie, when you were little... you know, before your mother died...

I made her a promise that I wouldn't raise a bum.

You did good, Max. Well, maybe I did, and maybe I didn't.

I just taught you all I knew like I would my own son.

I know that. It's just that...

Sometimes I feel there's got to be more out there... than picking up chump change at car accidents.

Of course there is. The world is full of opportunities for a bright young man.

Bank scams, stock swindles. Those are the big ones.

I mean, that's what life is all about, kid.

Hey,Max Yeah?

Can I have my wallet?

I still got it, don't I?

Velvet hands. Nice touch.


How about my watch?

I got no damn shot.

You're bad luck, Farrel.

If I hadn't seen this today, Sal would've had me bury you.

You can't even bury an eight ball, Pinkie.

Put your money where your mouth is, chooch.

♪ Well, sweet little Mary was just 13 ♪ Can you spot me a 20? ♪ Walkin' down the street she'd make a good man mean ♪

♪ Take a truth/Wroan and she could make him a liar ♪

♪ She could take the coolest ca! and set his soul on fire ♪ It's all yours.

♪ Mercy, little baby now I'm down on my knees ♪

♪ You got me workin' every night, baby tryin' to please' ♪

♪ It's good work if you can get it ♪

♪ It's good work...♪ Oh, man. Oh, man.

Uh, uh, oh, oh.

♪ It's good work if you can get it ♪

♪ It's good work if you can get it Baby, just let it work ♪

♪ Let it work, let it work let it work, let it work ♪'

It was lucky. I don't pay luck.

And don't let me see your ugly faces again!

Hey, hey. Easy. Easy !

Come on. Come on! Big turd.


Heh. Huh?

Louis, what are you doing?

Autographing Pinkie's car.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Th-That's not nice.

Let's do something nice for the guy.

Let's give Pinkie a convertible.

♪ said, hey, babe take a walk on the wild side ♪

♪ And the colored girls say Doo doo doo doo doo' ♪

♪ Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo ♪

♪ Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo ♪

♪ Doo doo doo doo doo doe doo doo ♪ ♪ Doo doo doo doo doo doe doo doo ♪ Eddie, don't. Don '2' answer it'.

Eddie, resist the temptation just this once.

I can't. Why not? You can. Just this once.

Come on. I have to. Uh... Hello.

Greetings. My name is Tagra.

Am I talking to the jerk who stole my car?

Listen, scumbag... He's really pissed. Great.

I do not appreciate your profanity.

If you wish to continue this conversation, may I suggest a new attitude, one more positive?

Listen to me, jerk face... I am talking!

You do not talk when I talk.

You do not talk when I talk. When I talk, you do not talk.

It is very simple. When I talk, you do not talk.

Now, who am I talking to?

Hey, punk, this is Sal Nichols, and you'd better shut your mouth and listen. Ohhh.

Oh, I am speaking with Sal Nichols, and you want your car.

Sal Nichols? Hang up. Hang up!

Ah! Oh! Ah! Sal Nichols! Oh, great!

Pull over. Where?

Here! Anywhere! Pull over!

Let's go. Let's go! Eddie! Let's go!

Run! Come on, Eddie!

It's insured, Sal.

It's only 500 deductible.

Hey, I'll pay it myself. Mr. Marino, the automobile is only part of a greater problem.

There was $60,000 in the trunk.

- Now, how many times have you been instructed... not to leave my collections in the trunk, scumbag?

Wait a minute, Sal. I know who did this.

It was a couple of creeps I been doing business with.

Eddie Farrel and Lou Pasquino. They're the guys you want, not me!

Your business practice has become a source of great irritation to me, and I'm afraid I'm gonna have to relieve you... of your financial responsibilities.

Ah! Ooh! on! Ah!

Find Mr. Farrel and Mr. Pasquino.

I want my money back.

Eddie, where are we goin'?

We'll know when we get there.

Oh, shit.

Get the lights.

Open the door!

Let's go. Oh... Uh...

What you want? Sal Nichols wants his money!

Money? What? Sorry. Got no money.

You two jerks took $60,000 out of his trunk.

Sixty thou... Sixty... Let's go!

I wonder what he's talkin' about. Oh.

Jerks not here. No-Nobody here. Eddie!

Uh, they let me stay because I am leper.

I am leper. Oh, very bad disease.

Got bump everywhere. Don't look good. Let's go!

Oh, yeah. You stay out. I make it simple:

Come in, bump; stay out, no bump. Your decision!

It's not going down. It'll go down.

Eddie, what's wrong with this thing? Come on.


We missed 'em, goddamn it!

We got to get out of here. Right.

What the hell you doin'? What?

Eddie! What?


Much later.

Hello? Uncle Max, it's me.

You okay? Don't worry. I'm fine. I'm fine. Listen.

If Lou calls... He did? He just called.

Eddie, are you in trouble? Then where is he?

I have no idea. Okay, that doesn't matter now. Listen.

If he calls again, tell him that I am at the stereo house.

"Stereo house"? He'll know what I mean.

You're at the stereo house. Okay. Okay.

Thanks, Max.

Oh, God.

Take a hike. Hey, I was browsing.

Hi ! Ahh ! ♪ Come in ♪

♪ And pull yourself up a chair ♪ Like Chairry!

♪ Let the fun begin It's time to let down your hair ♪

♪ Pee-Wee's sure excited ♪ Uh-huh.

♪ All his friends have been invited ♪ That's you!

♪ It's so wacky at Pee-Wee's Playhouse ♪ Uhhh!

♪ There's a crazy rhythm ♪

♪ Comin' from Puppetland ♪ What's that?

Oh, God, that sucks.

♪ ' ♪

♪ It's a cruel, crazy beautiful world' ♪

♪ Every day you wake up I hope it's under a blue sky' ♪

♪ It's a cruel, crazy beautiful world ♪


I'll just be a minute, honey.

♪ I'

Oh! Doh! Ooh. Oh.

Oh, my God. I'm sorry. I must be in the wrong house.

Oh, no, you're in the right house.

Oh. I'm so sorry, but you scared me to death.

David said you were coming tomorrow.

Oh, this is David's house.

Oh, what a relief. Oh.

Well, then you must be, uh... Now, don't tell me. - Mona.

Mona! Mona!

Oh, I - I heard a scream.

It's all right, honey. I'm fine.

Jonathan Albertson, I'd like you to meet my favorite husband Milton.

Jonathan Albertson ?

Well, nice to meet you, Milton. Milt. Milt.

Well... Mona and Milt.

David's parents. Oh, of course!

It's just that I always think of you as Milt and Mona.

Well, we just came over to leave you a welcome note.

But now that we've got you in our clutches, you absolutely must come for lunch at the club. Mm-hmm.

Oh, I can't. I mean, I would love to, of course, but, uh, I'm pretty lagged out from the flight, and, uh, the limo didn't meet me at the airport, and they scratched one of my good bags.

Oh, poor baby. Oh, it gets worse.

They lost another one of my bags, with my wallet and all my credit cards and... Oh!

The nub of it is, it's like losing your identity.

It's been a complete nightmare. C'est la vie.

I love it! He's broke!

One of the rising young stars in American business, and he needs a loan.

What do you want? One? What, you want two?

Oh, I-l couldn't. You want three?

Here. You're good for it, aren't you? Oh, Milt.

Now, front door, back door, and the car's in the garage.

All right. Now you have no reason not Io have lunch with us.

♪ Another sun was shining and he knew he wasn't great ♪

♪ He didn't ever talk about he knew he couldn't wait ♪

♪ Time is running out the illusion fades away ♪

♪ Time is running out another day is on its way If

I can't wait for you two to meet. Morn, I'm sure I'm not his type.

Well, if his type is a nice, intelligent girl, you're his type.

Mom, David said that he used to date Miss Texas.

If you think that I'm gonna twirl a baton... and sing the national anthem in a bikini for this guy, you're crazy.

I used to do that for your father. Didn't I, Milt?

- Leave her alone, Mona. Jonathan!

Hi. Oh. Jonathan.

Glad you made it. Come. Milt.

Welcome. Hi, Jonathan.

Jonathan, this is Annie.

Well, I always thought David was exaggerating.

- He wasn't. And, uh, we've heard about Jonathan since David's freshman year, haven't we?

Mm-hmm. Yes.

Uh, it's nice to finally put a face... to the reputation.

Well, I, uh, hope loan live up to at least a little bit... of what David has told you all about me.

He told us you were single. That's a good first step. -

Mr. Malkin, your table is ready. Oh.

Table's ready. Great.

Thank you, Cyril.

Why don't we celebrate? My good man, as Pericles said to the Athenians, where do I drain the lizard?


Hey, hey. How many sinks do you need?


Does this cost anything? It's complimentary, sir.


Jonathan Albertson. Pleasure to meet ya.

Jonathan, I've got to ask you something.

Phillips made you the youngest V.P. Ever, right?

And you Walkaway to take a shot at something better.

Now, that takes guts. Hey, hey.

So, tell me, what are you after now?

Well, negotiating a few oil leases up north.

You must be familiar with the U.S. Oil lease program, huh, Milt?

Could be the bonanza. - Risky business. Wouldn't put a dime in it.

Yeah, it has a downside. I agree. I agree.

That's why I'm, uh, really leaning... toward a very interesting situation in Mexican coins.

Come on, Jonathan. What I'm interested in are those interviews.

You turned down Procter & Gamble, A 7'& 7', Colonial Insurance. Why?

Why'? Why'? Yes, why?

Why? Milt.

I think we're boring the ladies.

Thank you, Jonathan.

Mr. Malkin. - Jonathan, I understand you're the great sommelier.

So why don't you do the honors.

Well, it's, uh... it's been a while since I, uh, "sommeliered."

Actually, most of my equipment is still in storage.

"Equipment is in storage."

Well, uh... Yeah, I'll have this one right here.

Excuse me, but that is the address of the wine distributor.

Yeah. How about this one?

That is the surcharge, sir.

May I suggest something a little higher up on the page?

Chateau Lafite.

Oh. Excellent. Excellent.

Hope everybody's thirsty.

Annie, the beeper again ?

Are you the only doctor they have down there?

Dad, I'll be right back.

Wow, a doctor. You two must be very proud of that girl.

Yeah. Sometimes I think she works too hard. Mm.

Hey, you know, if you ask me, hard work and dedication is what it is all about.

Look at Elvis. Who?

Elvis. Elvis Presley.

Thirty-five platinum albums.

Ha-Had his... Had his own floor at Caesar's.


Mrs. Gonzalez is having her baby.

Annie, you practically donate your time. You have to do it in the middle of lunch?

Dad, calm down.

Listen, I'll tell you what.

If it's a boy, I'll suggest Milt Gonzalez.

Bye, Dad. Bye, Morn.

Good-bye, sweetheart. Bye, Jonathan.

Bye. Chateau Lafite.

Think he'll come back and burp me after lunch, Milt? -

What are you saving it for there, slim? Come on, come on.


Wow! That is incredible!

You guys got to try this. Mm!

Thirty-five years ago, my father started making hand dryers.

And today, aside from making blowers, we make over 18% of all the bathroom stalls in the U.S., thirteen percent of all the fixtures and accessories.

But still, our high profit item is the classic Malkin Blower.

Mr. Malkin, Mr. Malkin.

Mr. Harris finished his meeting with Mr. Nimaku.

The interpreter left, but Mr. Nimaku still seems to have one other question.

Well, we've got the man right here, Vi. Great.

Two years at the Nagasaki office at Phillips.

Help us out, will ya, Jon. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, th-that's easy. He, uh...

He's saying that he is happy to be here. Oh.

He b... He's saying that he admires the power of the Malkin Blower... and the way it strikes the moisture off his hand!

' " Huh?

Oh, he says that Malkin Blowers are number one!

Somebody oughta tell him what that means in America. Jesus.


Well, this might seem like a small operation compared to Phillips, but, uh, we call it home.

It's got a nice view. It's very nice. Very nice.

Oh-ho. Milt.

Ernie Banks? Huh?

Color me impressed.

You, from Harvard, and a Cubs fan?

Thought all you guys did was row those skinny boats around.

Come on. What, are you kidding me?

I have been a loyal Cubs fan all my life.

How about that Ernie Banks, huh?

"The Cubs will shine in '69!"

Ha! "Let's play two!" Ha-ha-ha! "Let's play two!"

I got to show you somethin'.

Wait till you see this.

There we go.

Ernie Banks's... four hundred and ninety-ninth home run ball.

Number 500 is in the Baseball Hall of Fame.

Oh. "Milt... Nice catch.

Ernie Banks, 519179.“ Huh.

That's my most prized possession.

It'd be mine too. Hmm.

Hey, uh, you ever hear of a bank?

You must have a hundred grand sitting here.

It's 180.

Most of my suppliers are from the old school.

This stuff is the only thing they trust.

Trust... is a wonderful thing.

Didn't go for oil. He didn't go for coins.

I don't know. I don't know what to do next.

There's a con for everybody, Eddie.

You just got to scratch a little.

Why don't you go to work for the old man?

What am I gonna do, walk in with a briefcase and do card tricks?

I know nothing about business.

Well, you're gonna say I'm sentimental, but my intuition tells me...

June's the time for the love con.

Go for the daughter.

Mm-mm. No way. She's too smart.

So read a couple of books.

No, this... this chick is cold.

- So warm her up. Your Aunt Connie's right.

The way to a man's money is through his daughter.

That's one of your basics.

And we're not just talking about the 180 grand.

That's just the tip of the iceberg. You're building your future, Eddie.

Gee, I remember my first marriage.

I mean, I left him in a motel in the Poconos.

He was wearing a top hat and his socks.

I hooked our wedding silver, took your Uncle Max to Bermuda.

It sure beats workin', Eddie.

You know, guys.

I think I'm fallin' in love.

Hi, Harold. Hiya, Doc.

How you doing today? I'm all right today. How are you?

You feel okay? All right. Yes, I do, Doc. Oh, I'm here for my checkup. Yeah.

I been talking like this all day. Wait. Wait.

Oh, I'm fine. I guess I just had to clear my throat. I'm okay.

What are you doing here? Oh.

Actually, Milt tells me you're doing some great work down here.

Uh-huh. Oh, my God. Oh!

You look incredible in a stethoscope.

Does that look like a barstool to you?

This is not a pick-up joint. Okay?

It's a clinic. Now, I really think you should leave.

Wait, wait. I didn't come down here to pick you up.

I don't know where you got that idea.

I came down here to, um, uh, help... help out.

You want to help?

Yeah. That's wonderful. Lie down.

Why'? Well, because you're gonna give blood.

No! Wrong. Sorry. Eh! Time out. No, no, no.

No, no. Ha-ha. I don't do this sort of thing. I don't have extra blood.

Sure, you do. Lie down. Push up your sleeve.

Does this kind of activity... ls... Does it hurt?

You ever been bit by one of them big bumblebees?

Harold, stop it. Oh, uh, wait.

Okay, okay. I got a much better idea.

Wh-Why don't I make some sort of a financial contribution?

Maybe a portion of my Alaskan oil profits.

A tax write-off? Come on. You're a big boy.

Very funny, Harold. I do my best.

What you in for, Harem'? For going too fast.

There are some fine ladies over at the home still waiting on old Harold Monroe.

Well, Harold, we'll try not to disappoint them. Oh.

H-Hold on. No, shouldn't I drink some whiskey or bite on a stick or...

Ow, ow, ow. Ah... Ah...


Well, welcome back.

You're okay. You just passed out.

Good-bye, Mr. Albertson.

No, ah. I'll get it.


Hello, Mona? Is that you? This is Jonathan.

Oh! Hello.

It is you. Gosh, you sound so young. Now, what is your secret?

Jonathan, you stop that. I love it.

Listen, how would you and Milt like to go, uh, waterskiing this Saturday?

I've made all the arrangements.

Oh, Jonathan, I'm so sorry. We can't.

It's our nephew's bar mitzvah on Saturday.

Wait. Wait, wait. Why don't you come? No, no.

That is a family affair.

Jonathan! Temple Beth Shalom at 10:00.

You'll get to meet Annie's favorite bubbie.

All right, all right, enough twisting my arm.

You've got me, okay? I'll be there. See you then. Bye-bye.




Holy Christ. I'm Jewish.

DJ“ Tradition ♪ Tradition ♪

♪ Tradition ♪

♪ Tradition ♪

♪ Tradition ♪

♪ Tradition ♪ Traditions, traditions.

Without our traditions, our lives would be as shaky as...as... Oy vey.

As a fiddler on the roof.

So, why don't...

I would like to dance with the most ravishing woman in the world.

I'm sorry... Bubbie, what do you say?

Ooh-hoo! Oh, how he talks!

Let's go.

Milt, what's the matter?

Nothing. Milt.

Look at him. Jonathan. Who? Ah.

] I would give five V.P. S for one, one Jonathan Albertson.

Milt, will you leave the office already?

Jonathan is David's friend. Now, don't be pestering him.

Come on. Give me a smile.


We went to McDonald's.

She was still trying to order the dim sum dumplings.

At McDonald's yet! Crazy!

What is so funny, you two?

Oh, we decided you're too serious.

Go. Enjoy.

So, if at first you don't succeed, work on the bubbie, huh?

Guilty. What can I say? Come on.

Please, let's just have some fun.

This is as fun as I get.

Really? So then you're gonna make me... go out here all by myself?

You know, I'm very nervous on a dance floor. I don't really know how.

♪ When I look into your eyes ♪

♪ So much passion burns inside ♪

♪ If you need some coaxing I will do it ♪

♪ Step by step there's nothing to it ♪ I One, two, three, four Come on, baby say you love me ♪

♪ Five, six, seven times ♪

♪ Eight, nine ten, eleven ♪

♪ I'm just gonna keep on counting ♪

♪ Until you are mine' ♪

♪ One, two, three, four.”

♪ Come on, baby say you love me Five, six, seven times ♪

♪ Eight, nine, ten, eleven ♪

♪ I'm just gonna keep on counting until you are mine ♪♪'

Oh, hey, there. There it was. You definitely laughed.

That was a big laugh, and, really, this is a very solemn occasion, and I may have to report you to the Solemn Occasion Police.

Uh, that wasn't a laugh. I was yawning.

No, I have to disagree. It was most definitely a laugh.

Okay, but it was more a "Boy, what an idiot" laugh.

Really? Boy, I could've swore it was a...

"My God, he's incredibly charming," and "How do I get to know him better?" laugh.

There it is again. That's two. I'm on a roll. I'm very happy.

David never mentioned this side of you.

Well, uh, there's a few things about me... that might surprise even David.



You couldn't say "Meet me at the pinball machine house," or the pool table house.

Or "Meet me at the Creamsicle house." That I would've known.

Eddie. Oh.

Now, remember, don't tell Mona. She'll never know.



Well, it's about time! Lou!

Uh... what the hell are you doing here?

Sal Nichols has a contract out on us.

Oh, great. That contract came through.

That's terrific. I'll have my lawyers check on that in the morning.

Ah. Uh, Milt.

I would like you to meet Lou Pasquino. Milt Malkin.

How do you do?

Lou's my broker.

Hey, kill the music, and, uh, why don't you get us a couple of beers?

We have a lot to talk about. Beers.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

He had a complete nervous breakdown.

Totally wiped out on Black Monday. You're kidding.

Well, this won't take long. I just wanted to show you some sales charts.

All right.

Now, these are the, uh, the sales projections... and inventory totals of the past two quarters.

You've got that sideways. There you go.

Well, you...

You said you wanted a fresh perspective, right? Mm-hmm.

Well, this is serious.

Turn it this way, like I had it, it looks like the Rocky Mountains. I mean...

My God, you put your finger right on it.

These have been the most erratic sales figures that we've had in 35 years.

We don't have a snowball's chance in hell... of getting a, uh, a sales budget under these conditions.

I don't want to make you uncomfortable.

I know the big guys are after you, but, damn it, I need you.

You walk into my company, you're vice president in charge of marketing.

Me? Yes.

Well... Excuse me, Milt. What are you movin'?

Nothing's moving. That's the problem.

You're a broker? I am a broker.

What's your specialty?

Oh, whatever you need.

Take a look at these babies.

Oh, Lou, you're great.

Chicago, Tokyo, London. This guy lives the market.

Oh, I don't believe it! Look how late it's gotten.

Milt, do you mind if we do this, uh, in a day or two?

We sure can, as long as it's in your new office.

I'm not leaving until you say yes.

I'll give it a try.

Oh, Jon.

Jon. Oh, that's beautiful.

Wonderful. We're gonna be a hell of a team. I know.

I know it too. What great news.

Monday morning, Mr. Vice President.

I'll be looking forward to it.

Eddie, you got a coaster on your head.

According to all the research done for hand dryer and bathroom accessories, name-brand recognition is still the key factor.

Look at the third survey, page seven.

The company has no alternative but to increase advertising expenditures... in the third quarter.

That's a $3-million price tag we're talking about, just to remain competitive.

Hold it, hold it. Hold it a second.

I'm hearing the same old B.S. I'm always hearing.

Jonathan, I know you've had those figures for only a few hours, but, uh, we sure could use a fresh perspective around here.

Yeah. Okay.

I don't really have anything to say...

I-in here.

Look, I don't spend a lot of time in boardrooms.

Why don't we all adjourn this meeting... to a place we're a little more familiar with, hmm?

All right, come on. Come on. Everybody in.

Ladies too. Don't be shy. Don't be shy.

Now, I want you all to go in those stalls and close the door.

Come on. Double up if you have to.

Milt, I'd like you in this one right over here.

Jonathan, this better be good.

Okay, that's right. Go in. Take a seat.

Take a seat and close the doors. Excellent.

Now, at Harvard we call this...

field research.

Milt, will you please tell us what you see in front of you.


A Malkin door. And what else?

- Who the hell wrote this? Come on.

What does it say?

"Milt Malkin... is full of hot air."

Now, that... is an advertising message.

Not necessarily the message we're trying to get across, but a message.

You see, the average person spends seven and a half minutes of every day... staring at the back of a bathroom door.

And we can write anything we want on 78% of those doors sold in America.


'Cause we make 'em.

That's seven and a half minutes of every day, three hundred and sixty-five days a year, for an average life span of 72 years.

That's 3,280 hours of a captive audience... at a time when they're most open to new ideas.

Because we all know... that your major life decisions... aren't made in the boardroom!

No. They're made... in the bathroom.



♪ Let me say since ♪

♪ Since we've been together ♪

♪ Ooh, lovin' you forever ♪ Ms all I need ♪

♪ Oh, let me be the one ♪ You know what? This has been an incredible date.

♪ You come runnin' to ♪ Wait a second. This isn't a date.

Well, then what is it?

This is merely the sister of your best friend showing you a good time.

A good time. Yeah.

What else did you have in mind ? ♪ Let's stay together ♪ Well, I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

♪ Lovin' you whether Whether ♪ Just sit back, relax... and enjoy the show. ♪ Times are good or bad ♪ Excuse me. ♪ Happy or sad ♪ Thank you. Thank you.

♪ Oh, baby, let's ♪

♪ Let's stay together' ♪

♪ Lovin' you whether ♪

♪ Oh, whether ♪

♪ Times are good or bad ♪ Brad !

♪ Happy or sad ♪ Give me another one of these, will ya.

All right, all right. Come on. Hurry up.

♪ Happy or sad, ooh ♪

Michelle! Let's hear it for Michelle! All right!

Ladies and gentlemen, night after night... we get some very, very talented people to come up from the audience... and tear up the stage.

Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, we have with us a star. Oh, yeah!

The Wild Man led one of the finest rock bands in Boston... and tore up the Ivy League for four big years, and I think if we give him a big, kick-ass...

Quarry welcome, I think we can get him up here to do his thing.

- What do you say? Yeah! Yeah!

All right! Come on, Wild Man! Rock and roll! Whoo!

There he is, ladies and gentlemen! Wild Man Albertson!

I called them this afternoon.

What did you tell them? Just what David said.

I wanted to see if you still had it in you, Wild Man.

Come on up, Wild Man! Come on up! Wild Man!

Wild Man! Wild Man! Wild Man! Wild Man! Wild Man! Wild Man! Wild Man!

I can't go up there. Wild Man! Wild Man! Wild Man!

Go on. Go on!

Wild Man! Wild Man! Wild Man!

Wild Man!

What do you feel like doin', man?

I don't...

I got it.

Perfect for you, Wild Man. Rock and roll.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's star time!

♪ Get your motor runnin' ♪

♪ Head out on the highway ♪ Farrel ?

♪ Looking for adventure ♪

♪ And whatever comes ♪

♪ Our way ♪ Farrel !

♪ Yeah, darling ♪ Gonna make it happen!

♪ Take the world in a love embrace ♪ You owe me...

60, 000 bucks, you punk! ♪ Fire all your guns at once ♪

♪ And ♪ Louder! Louder! Yeah!

Give me that thing! ♪ Like a true nature's child ♪

♪ We were born born to be wild ♪ I'm gonna kill you, you lowlife!

I'm gonna poke your eyes out!

♪ I never wanna die ♪ I'll kill you!

Come here so I can poke your eyes out!

♪ Born to be wild ♪

♪ Born to be wild ♪

You're not even gonna be able to... Ow!

I'll poke your eyes out!

♪ I like smoke and lightnin' ♪

♪ Heavy metal thunder ♪

♪ Racing with the wind ♪

♪ And the feeling that I'm under ♪

♪ Yeah, darling gonna make it happen ♪

♪ Take the world in a love embrace ♪

♪ Fire all your guns at once and ♪

♪ Explode into space ♪

♪ Like a true nature's child ♪

♪ We were born born to be wild ♪

♪ We could climb so high ♪

♪ I never wanna die ♪

♪ Born to be wild ♪

♪ Born to be wild ♪

♪ Born to be wild ♪

♪ Born to be wild ♪ Yeah!

Whoo! Yeah! ♪ Born to be ♪

♪ Wild' ♪

♪ Born to be wild ♪

♪ Born to be wild ♪

Why are we running? Those fans are crazy.

I can't believe this. What?

I'm actually having a good time with you.

Yeah? Well, you should see me on a really good night.

Whoo !

♪ Should've never made eye contact ♪

♪ Should've been a heart of stone ♪

♪ When you stopped me to say hello' ♪

♪ Would've been twice as easy' ♪

♪ To just say no' ♪

♪ 'Cause I don't wanna lose at love again ♪

♪ Ooh, but as a couple we were quite handsome ♪

♪ And the moon was out that night ♪

♪ So we let our hearts go dancin' ♪

♪ the thing that's missin' in my life ♪

♪ There's not enough romance in this world ♪ Oh, my. What was that ?

♪ Oh ♪

♪ There's not enough romance in this world ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ There's too many people thinking only of themselves' ♪

♪ You've got to give love' ♪

♪ Before it returns ♪

♪ Ohh ♪

♪ Wanna sing about new lovers' ♪

♪ Who stand up against the odds ♪

♪ Mmm, nothing can change a thing that strong ♪

♪ And myself! know my emotions ♪

♪ I got my love to share ♪

♪ And when you're needin' something so tender ♪

♪ What you're looking for is so rare ♪

♪ There's not enough romance in this world ♪

♪ 'No ♪

♪ There's not enough romance in this world ♪ John, did you get those Cubs tickets for this afternoon? Great.

1:30? Absolutely.

And listen, they better be behind the first baseline. Williamson is a fanatic.

I'm sorry, Milt. Those facts and figures might impress some executives, but I got to tell ya, I'm a people person.

And my gut says people really prefer paper towels.

That 1:30 meeting all set, Paul?

We're in, Donald. Well, Milt, if you'll excuse me, I got a big sales meeting.

I understand.

Fresh roasted and salted shell! Yes, sir.

Yeah! Yeah! Whoa!

Whoo! What a catch!

Great catch. Great catch. That was close.

Yes. Too close. Hell of an idea, going to a ball game, Jon.

Hey, all work, no play, huh, Milt?

Milt, look familiar?

Son of a bitch.

He told me he had a sales meeting.

Oh, he does. He just doesn't know it yet.

Over there.

Gentlemen, your attention. Nobody move, please.

Secret Service.

I'm going to ask for your cooperation in remaining exactly where you are.

All right, Mr. President. We're all clear.

Well, thank you, Tom.

You know, that's quite an exciting ball game we're seeing.

Oh, yes, sir. It is. Yes, sir.

Paper towel, Mr. President?

Not gonna do it. Not gonna do it.

Wouldn't be prudent at this juncture.

You know, what do you say we try that blower thing over there?

It's right over here, Mr. President.

You know, Bar and I love these things.

Love... love doing that blower thing.

Good for the hands. Good for the economy.

You know, make a note, Tom. We'll get one up there in the White House.

Get one up in Kennebunkport.

Maybe a gift set for Gorby.

You know, seems to me, blowers good, paper towels bad.

Well, I'm ready to move along now.

We're moving out. Mr. President.

Uh, gentlemen, thank you for your cooperation, and, uh, just go back about your business.

Thank you.

I can't believe it! I'm using the exact same dryer the president just used!

Oh, yeah.

No paper towels. Take a hit off that, my friend.

Is that nice? Whoo! Oh, yeah.

Take some of that, my friend.

If it's good enough for the president, it's good enough for me.

That's right! Blowers are where it's at.

Blowers are great. Towels suck. That's right.

Thank you, gentlemen.

Hey, get some money. Get your money, money, money.

To Jonathan.

L'chayim. L'chayim.

Jonathan, I don't know how you did it, but Williamson came back to the office begging to make a deal.

I would like to thank you personally.

And this... is the best way that I know how.

Milt. Dad.


I can't take this. Huh? What do you mean you can't take it?

What, I'm gonna live forever? Besides, I was hoping that we might keep it in the family.


Believe me, no one has ever given me anything like this before in my life.

Thank you.

Thank you all.

Are you okay? You're so quiet.

It's just I still can't believe your dad gave me this.

It's just his way of showing you how he feels about you.

You know what 5/9/70 is.

Yeah. That's the day Ernie took this one out.

It's also my dad's license plate number, his automatic teller code... and the combination to his safe.

That's the kind of Ernie Banks nut we're talking about here.

Whoa. This ball does mean a lot to that guy.

Well, you mean a lot to him.

You mean a lot to me.

I can't believe I am falling in love with a Harvard man.

You're not.

Yes, I am.

She loves me.

She said that?

That's great. We're in.

Well, I mean, what if I get their money?

Hmm? Then what? What do I do next?

Just go to another scam and then another scam? Yes.

God willing, yes!

Maybe I could stay. I mean, I have a real job.

Oh, shit. Huh?

I think I could become the guy they think I am.

Oh, shit. Hey, they see something in me.

Eddie, you conned them. That's all. You're a con man.

And now you're conning yourself.

Then it's the best one I've ever pulled, because it's working on me too.

Love in a love con?

What is this, amateur night?

I've got to tell Annie the truth. Great.

Do it fast.

Nice picture of the Taj Mahal, huh?

Jonathan, David's coming back.

Marlena, have Murphy and Davis gotten their vaccinations yet?


Jonathan, hi. Hi, hi. Uh, I have to talk to you. It's real important.

It's flu shot day. I'm way behind. Can it wait?

No. No, it can't wait. Okay.

I love you! Ew/

Hove you.

I'm happier than I've ever been in my life. Oh, me too, Jonathan.

There's more. Okay. I'm all ears.

This... This is very scary to say to someone.


It's about us, I hope.

Y-Yeah. But ...

Something about our future maybe? Well, yes, but it's...

Oh, Jonathan, you coward.

What? The answer is yes.

"Yes"? Yes, I will marry you.

Annie, you don't understand. I am a phony.

Jonathan, I know you're a phony.

Of course I do. That's why I love you.

Because underneath all of your degrees and all of your money is a real person.

Oh, I've got kids who need flu shots.

Bye. Wait. Th-There's more.

Tell me later. I love you.




You're not gonna believe this. I'm gettin' married.


Hey, hey, hey, hey-

Congratulations, Eddie. We're all very happy for you.

Aren't we, guys?

Your partner here was fencing some very lovely merchandise in the neighborhood, so I thought we'd all drop by to say hi.

Sal, I don't mind you dropping by.

I just wish you would call first.

Where's my money?

We dumped the car, Sal. We didn't take your money.

Then let's say I didn't kill you either, and we'll call it even.

I'll get you your money. I'm no good to you dead.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I know a way to get $180,000 by tomorrow. I swear it.

I'm supposed to buy this from a punk who never had... two 20s to rub together in his whole lousy life?

Look at this place, man. Huh?

Look around. I'm in the middle of a major situation here.

It costs you nothing to wait.

It costs you $180,000 to kill me right now.

Get the car.

I'll tell you what.

Mr. Pasquino here will be the collateral in our little agreement.

No, no. You... No. Yeah. He'll be alive until, let's say, 4:00 tomorrow afternoon.


Hey. Ow. Good.

Lay off me!

I hope this doesn't put a crimp in your wedding plans.

Frankly, I'm impressed. This is a great deal of money for a street punk.

Lou, you feel okay? Yeah.

I feel like Elvis back from the dead.

Now, go on. Get out of here.

Go throw yourself in front of a car or somethin'.

Hey, Sal.

How'd you like to make a lot more money? What?

Four times that.

How could I possibly believe some lowlife like you could come up with that kind of cash?

I believe I just gave you 180,000 reasons.

You are gonna get us killed. We're not gonna get killed.

We're gonna get rich. I don't know how we're gonna do it yet, but we're gonna sting Sal, then we're gonna retire to Florida.

I thought you were gonna marry that girl.

No, no, no. What, are you kidding? Lou, the whole thing was a con.

What was I thinking, I could step into a new life like a new pair of pants?

But, you know, you and that broad... made a real cute couple.

Get in.

I'm impressed. Nearly a million of our dryers hang in schools, public libraries, police precincts.

Yep. Even his mayor's private bathroom.

So, what's your point? Relax.

You look a little stressed out.

My point is is that we're both businessmen.

Hey. Come on. Hey, I'm a businessman.

You're a fuckin' con man.

Of course I'm a con man.

I conned my way into this. I'm just offering you a piece of the action.

What action?

Gerald Fox. The building commissioner?

You see, Gerry's looking for the right wrecking company for a city demolition job.

Pays 900 grand.

But you have to put up a cash bond.




We don't use that kind of terminology with Mr. Fox.

Why me? There's a lot of wrecking companies.

Because not everyone's comfortable with this kind of business.

But you're comfortable. Aren't you, Sal?

Yeah, I'm comfortable. Excellent.

I'll call the commissioner.


This whole setup is bullshit.

Okay. Let's go.

What do mean, "Go"? Go where? City hall.


Exterminator? We didn't call an exterminator. You didn't ca...

This is the building commissioner's office, isn't it?

We didn't call for the exterminator.

Oh, great. Now, if you don't mind.

That's great.

Maybe he did.

Oh, my God!

Have a nice day. Commissioner!

Yes. Now, you know the commissioner's all tied up, but maybe I can squeeze you in next month, okay?

Oh. Please hold.

Why, Mr. Albertson, what a pleasant surprise.

Look, I know we don't have an appointment, but, uh, do you think Gerry might be able to slip us in?

Let's just see, shall we?

Well, what about the end of July? Yeah.

Jon! Jon Albertson, get on in here.

Uh, yeah, Senator, I say 20 million...

Let's not take too much of his time. He's a very busy man.

Well, I hope the governor sees it our way. Yeah. All right. Right. Bye.

Jon! Gerry.

How are Betty and those kids, huh? Oh, fine. Just fine.

Great. Gentlemen, why don't we have our little conversation outside.

Yeah. Outside.

My office is not gonna pay for this exterminator.

Well, I can't help it. I'm never coming in here again. Oh.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Now, we need a cash bond from you, Mr. Nichols, for, uh, $250,000.

Two hundred and fifty grand? That's 75 more than I thought.

If you've got a problem with the numbers, there are contractors in this city who'd swim Lake Michigan... for a $1.3 million job. One point three?

Uh-huh. One point three?

No, no, no. Those numbers are fine.


You know what? I had a feeling that you two would hit it off.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yes.

Oh, yes. This'll fool anybody.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, boyo.

You got to knock that off. You still have to play that city official tonight.

That's why I need another one. I haven't done this in 20 years.

Uncle Max, Sal Nichols may have a problem with handing over... a quarter million dollars to a damn leprechaun.

Listen, don't worry about me. I'll be sober in a couple of hours.

You'll still be stupid. - Hey, I know what I'm supposed to be doing.

Now, we meet 9:30 at the building site, then bida-bing-bang-boom, and 11:00 at the airport.

Connie, have you got the tickets? First class, kiddo.

All right. We're out of here.

Whoever that is, get rid of 'em. Okay. I'll take care of it.

♪ Let's go, let's go ♪ Oh, Milt, Mona, Annie, what a wonderful surprise.

Well, we've got a big surprise for you. - Hi.

Don't we, Milt? We sure do.

Yes indeed. Jonathan, you have company?

- Company? Yeah.

Oh. Uh, yeah, I have company. Uh, my... my parents.

Your parents 7 Those are my parents.

They just got here.

Milt, Mona, Annie, I would like you to meet Thorton... and Cornelia. Oh.

They flew in when they heard the good news.

That is just wonderful.

Thorton and Cornelia, Jonathan has told me so much about you.

I feel like I know you so well.

Well, we feel as though we've known you all our lives.

Aw. Don't we, Cornelia?

We certainly do, Thorton. Yes.

Oh, how wonderful to meet you.

How you doing? David Malkin.

Okay, great. Where are we at?

Spot the red queen and make her yours. Where's the little lady? Five will get you 10.

I can't believe it. I cannot believe... What?

That you don't tease your hair. No.

You mean that is all in the cut? Absolutely.

Oh, Mona. Listen, would you let me feel that? Oh, of course.

Oh, look at that. Well, you know, Alfred is just a genius with...

Oh, Cornelia, you are so kind.

Hey. I love your parents. What?

Your parents. I think they're great.

Yeah. Well, I hope this isn't too rowdy for them.

They're a little conservative actually.

Oh, Mona, look how it's short and then it gets long.

Oh. Beautiful. Where's the little lady?

Five will get you 10. Is she with the jack? Is she with the king?

What do you say, Milt? One ice-cold beer, Milt.

What do you say, Milt? Thorton.

What? Aren't you forgetting something?

Ooh, yeah. You know, Milt, I brought the family album along.

It's back at the hotel. Maybe I should pop hack... Ah!

You don't have to go now, do you? Nonsense. Nonsense.

You and the missus will get a kick out of it. And I'll drive you.

Jon, you want to take a ride?

Uh, yeah. Not a chance.

I am not letting him out of my sight.

Jonathan, that might be your surprise.

Hello. David, where are you?

Well, he . .. he's right here.

Come on. Go. Oh. My surprise. Great.

Jonathan, it's David. He wants to talk to you.

Go. Why don't you talk to him?

Really. Jonathan, take the phone.


David, how are you?

Jonathan? This doesn't sound like you.

Uh, great to, uh, hear your voice again too, old man.

Really? Listen, I beg to differ on that point, my friend.

I think that Calcutta couldn't have been as hot as it's been around here, mon ami.

Is this some kind of joke? Who is this?

Well, you're right about that. I... I am a lucky guy.

Annie's one in a million.

You jerk. I am gonna come out there and kick the shit out of you.

Great. Great. I'll be looking forward to it.

I bet you're very good at that.

Put my dad on the line. What?

Can you believe it? The car didn't meet him at the airport.

Listen, can you stay put for 45 minutes, and I'll be right there?

Good idea, Jonathan. Oh, yes. What a sweet thing to do.

Okay. All right. I'll see you.

Give me that. Wait. Wait.

I think you've had enough. Don't spill it! Don't...

All right. Go.

Look at that baby!

You know, the governor opposed this site.

Mayor was dead set against it.

But when I get my mind set... That's right. That's right.

Rammed this baby right through city council. That's the kind of building commissioner he is.

I'm sure we can do more business together in the future.

I think we might be laying the foundation... for a long and mutually beneficial relationship, Mr. Nichols.

Now, I need your signature in triplicate.

City contracts.

1.3 million.

Your signature here, here and here.

- Completion guarantee. Signature here. Okay.

Hey, you got enough hard hats to go around?

Oh, he's great.

Commissioner, uh, shouldn't you explain the time pressure?

Time pressure? Didn't you want them to start... tomorrow before the weekend is over?

Damn straight. Yeah.

The medical center's due to start construction here next week.

I need the site cleared before the weekend is over.

The weekend? Nobody works on the weekend.

I've just wasted my time. Forget it.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

The weekend'll be just fine.

Now, here's your copy. Ah, ah, ah, ah.

Oh, yeah.

There we are.

Oh, uh, Mr. Nichols, one more thing.

Which way do you think this baby's gonna fall?


I'm sure Mr. Nichols knows what he's doing.

Good luck! Timber!


We did it.

What's keeping everybody?

Where the heck is that hotel, the other side of the moon?

It must be.

I don't know where they're staying.

I'll ask Cornelia. Cornelia.


Whoo-oo. Connie, you should have seen us.

It was just like old times. Oh. Oh.

Keep your motor running. We'll be right with you.

Eddie, are you okay?

Yeah, I guess so.

Well, you handled that like a pro.

Now that you've got the basics down, I cannot wait till you get to Miami.

Those clubs are crawling with rich widows.

No, no. I don't think I'm cut out for the love con.

Oh, just give it a little time, kid. It'll work out fine.

I don't know. There's... There's somethin' missing.

What's missing? Look, you got the money.

You got Miami.

You got me.

I'm telling you, the flight's already arrived.

Page him again, please. Why don't you let me talk to...

They're going to page him. Jonathan!

Oh! What's going on? Where is everybody?

Where's David? Wait. There's something I have to say.

Where's David? What is it?

You've been like parents to me.

Aw. You're like our own son.

We love you.

This is your money. I took it out of the safe.

How did you do that? Why?

That's not all.

Jonathan, whatever this is, we can work it out.

I don't think we can ever work this out.

Jonathan, what is it? What's wrong?

I'm not Jonathan Albertson.

Not Jonathan? You're not Jonathan Albertson?

My name is Eddie Farrel, and I'm a con man.

This whole thing is a con.

Annie, I used you to get to your father's money.

Oh, my God.

But I fell in love with you.

Oh, Annie, honey.

Annie, I'm s... I don't believe you.

Annie, I'm sorry. I think you've done enough!

Milt, please?

Annie, I'm so sorry I hurt you.

But I love you.

I really do love you.

Hey. You must be David.

David, Yeah.

You've got a great family.

I'm sorry.

Police are investigating the bizarre destruction... of the I RS building in downtown Chicago.

Mr. Nichols, who has had previous problems with the I RS, now faces 247 years in combined federal and state charges.

All three are being held without bail.

A spokesman for the IRS in Washington said... that taxpayer refunds would not be affected.

We'll be bringing you updates...


Annie, this is Eddie.

Jonathan. Eddie. Whatever.

Will you pick up the phone, please?

How many times do I have to call? You're listening to me right now, aren't you?

I was in the neighborhood, and...

I've got some extra blood.

Please leave.

Hove you.

If you can turn around and tell me that you don't love me, I'll walk right out of here.

I don't love you.

I'll bet you're glad to be rid of that guy.

That's right. He really was a nuisance.

Coming around, bringing you flowers, making us laugh, dragging you out on dates.

Yeah, he won't be cutting into no more of your busy schedule.

Damn you, Harold.

Eddie Farrel!

How dare you do that to me!

Annie, I love you.

If you don't believe me, there's nothing I can do.


No! Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Eddie. Eddie, are you okay? Annie?

I'm right here. I'm right here. Are you okay? Ow.

Eddie, I love you. I do. I love you.

That's all I wanted to hear.


Love in a love con.

I hate to see it. It's like I said, Max, amateur night.

♪ It's a cruel, crazy beautiful world' ♪

♪ Every day you wake up I hope it's under a blue sky' ♪

♪ It's a cruel, crazy beautiful world' ♪

♪ One day when you wake up I will have to say good-bye ♪

I Say good-bye ♪

♪ It's your world so live in it' ♪

♪ You got to wash with the crocodile in the river ♪

♪ You got to swim with the sharks in the sea ♪

♪ You got to live with the crooked politician' ♪

♪ Trust those things that you can never see' ♪

♪ You got to trust your lover when you go away' ♪

♪ Keep on believing tomorrow brings a better day ♪

♪ Sometimes you smile while you're crying inside ♪

♪ Just once you'll turn away while the truth is shining bright ♪

♪ It's a cruel, crazy beautiful world' ♪

♪ Every day you wake up I hope it's under a blue sky' ♪

♪ It's a cruel, crazy beautiful world' ♪

♪ One day when you wake up I will have to say good-bye ♪

I Say good-bye ♪

♪ It's your world so live in it' ♪ ♪ Good-b ye ♪

♪ It's your world so live in it' ♪

♪ When I hold your small body close to mine ♪

♪ I feel weak and strong at the same time ♪

♪ $0 few years to give you wings to fly ♪

♪ Show you stars to guide your ship by I'

♪ It's a cruel, crazy beautiful world' ♪

♪ Every day you wake up I hope it's a blue, blue sky ♪

♪ It's a cruel, crazy beautiful world' ♪

♪ One day when you wake up I will have to say good-bye ♪

♪ It's a cruel, crazy beautiful world' ♪

♪ Every day you wake up I hope it's a blue, blue sky ♪

♪ It's a cruel, crazy beautiful world' ♪

♪ One day when you wake up I will have to say good-bye ♪

I Say good-bye ♪

♪ It's your world so live in it' ♪

♪ It's your world so live in it' ♪

♪ It's your world so live in it' ♪

♪ It's your world so live in it' ♪

♪ It's your world so live in it' ♪

♪ It's your world so live in it' ♪

♪ It's your world so live in it' ♪

♪ It's your world so live in it' ♪

♪ It's your world so live in it' ♪

♪ It's your world so live in it' ♪

♪ It's your world so live in it' ♪

♪ It's your world so live in it' ♪

♪ It's your world so live in it' ♪

♪ It's your world so live in it' ♪

♪ It's your world so live in it' ♪