Ordinary Decent Criminal (2000) Script


Lovely morning. Not bad Banks never on time, are they?

No, no, they're desperate. Desperate.

Desperate altogether.

Try another branch.

Morning. Like to make a withdrawal, please.

Harrison will defend the bail application, maybe even take the trial.

But he insists on two thousand pounds in cash.

For a morning's work?

Up front. As in now, before we go in.

I see, he doesn't trust me.

Here he is now, Michael, he's worth it.

Morning. Morning It's nearly time.

Are we in funds?


Oh, the cash. Just been to the bank.

No... not here, Mr. Lynch.

And you will be taking that off in court, won't you?

The prosecution's claim that they fear my client might leave this country while on bail, is completely and totally without foundation.

Especially when Mr. Lynch's lovely little daughter, Breda is having her first Holy Communion soon and it would be tragic if her father were not to be with her on that day.

So, Your Honour, the State can find no course in law or in justice why this clean-living unassuming -- teetotaler should have his bail rescinded.

Mr. Lynch may remain on bail until his trial commences two weeks on Monday.

Mr. Lynch, how does it feel to be the most wanted man in Ireland?

Do you think you'll get a fair trial?

Mr. Lynch, you enjoy making the Gardai look thick, don't you?

Hold... a minute, lads... don't ever think the Gardas are thick, you'd be wrong.

It'd be a big mistake. The Gardas are anything but thick.

In fact, I think the Gardas are very, very clever.

Is your name Michael Patrick Lynch?

You see, right there, an example of brains. You see?

Excuse me, I am Mr. Lynch's attorney and I object very much...

I'm detaining you on suspicion of possessing illegal substances, under the Misuse of Drugs Act.

I know what you want to do.

You want to strip search me, don't you?

Please, let go of him. This man is my client.

Oh, I see, you think you'll humble me, do you?

Oh, no...! Look at them! Look at what I have to put up with!

Look at what they do to innocent people.

Trying to grab a feel. Trying to grab me balls, you queer.

You dirty perverts, trying to get your rocks off.

Drugs? What drugs?

I've never done drugs in me life and everyone knows it.

Show them your credentials, Mike.

Find the drugs.

Give us a look, get them off.

Find the drugs. Come on, put your fucking hand up my hole, you poofters.

Come on.

Show 'em your credentials, Michael.

Hey, you fucking faggots. What are you afraid of?

You do it in private, but not here, you fuckers.

Do you want any more, love?

I'm grand unless there's dessert?

Of course there is.

Is that you in the newspaper da?

Oh, can I finish that?

Yeah, waste not, want not. Thanks.

Oh, God, Michael, give it to me. Give it to me.

You know the way all that red meat makes him hyper.

Sorry, sorry wasn't thinking.

Your father first. Who earns the money in this house?

Da does.

They're all grand. There's enough for everyone.

They have to learn. you just better go to bed when you're told tonight.

Okay, mum.

Have you got Lynch with you, lads?

Check. We have him in our sights.

Clothes on or off today?

Fuck off.

She's great.

Say hello to your da. Go on. Found him.

Is that them, huh?

Is that the two sisters?

Oh, that's them all right, boy.

Bet he was glad he didn't have to choose between them, huh?

Why choose when you can have both, boy?

Mind your mothers now. Do what they tell you.

See you tonight.

See you.

I'll call round later, collect the kids, yeah?

Hey, Tommy, get off the bleeding bike, come on.

Oh, come on, can I stay on?

You know I can't take you without a helmet.

Please Auntie Lisa... Come on, just one go.

Come on then, say goodbye to your da.

Bye, da.

Wave him goodbye.

Look at daddy going round and round.

Say goodbye.

Jesus, there's no way he can shake us off, not out here anyway.

So what's the point?

Jesus. We're running very low on petrol, Barry.

Control where's the nearest service station?

Con's very worried about the petrol situation.

He's getting out.

Okay, lads, I'll be right back to you.

We're off.

Right, lads, the nearest petrol station's a good ten miles away, maybe more.

Oh, Jesus.

North east of the Bray Road. Turn left for Bray.

There's an Esso on the left, about three miles outside the town.

Keep in touch.

I don't believe this.

Ah for fuck, I told you stop for petrol, didn't I?

But, no, you said, ''We're fine, Con''.

Look at him. Sure, give him a wave, you wander.

Where would you be without the social welfare, huh?

I couldn't agree more, Michael. A vital few bob.

Tony Brady.

It's the difference between eating and not eating sometimes.

You said it, Tony. Good luck.


Michael Lynch. And how are you today?

Fine thanks.

There you go.

You're a gentleman do you know that?

Thank you.

It's fellas like you make the world go around.

Right, we've caught up with Lynch.

Told you he wouldn't miss out on collecting his precious dole.

Well, don't lose him this time.

Oh, don't worry, we're up his hole, Control.

And we've a full tank Mr. Lynch won't be getting away from us again today.

Right, lads, keep in touch.

I'll say one thing for him, he sticks to the speed limit.

Don't fuck about.

Yeah, no problem, Michael.

You're a mess, little brother.

Relax, we're just passing through!

Fucking hell!

Excuse me, ladies... say hello to my little friend.

Ho... here we go. He's off. Put your foot down there, Con.

Something happening, Control.

You're telling me. There's a report of a robbery at the dole office.

Oh, for fuck's sake, we're just at the fucking dole office.


Fuck it! What do we do now?

I never promised you a story.

You did!

I did not.

You did so, da!

What did I tell you about lying?

To lie to everyone except you and ma.

And us.

Oh, yeah, and Auntie Lisa.

And the whole family. You never lie to anyone in the family.

Tell us the story about The Mansions, da.

Yeah, da, tell us about The Mansions.

Fair enough.

Do you want to hear the whole thing?

From the start.


Long, long ago, years ago before you were born and your ma and me and Auntie Lisa were very young we all lived in a place called The Mansions.

All our grannies and grand-dads and brothers and sisters and all our pals. It was brilliant.

It was like a big hotel... built specially for us and all our mates.

And when I was young, I used to think God was smiling down on us.

Putting a special glow around us so we could do as we pleased.

Go about our business with no-one getting in our way.

And that it would never change.

Tell us about the bailiffs, da.

All right, so.

Do you know what bailiffs are?

They're just like gods but they're worse.

Much worse.

So... one day... this was before you were born.

I was coming home after working hard all day.

And I saw them -- the bailiffs attacking our homes.

Big bastards with hammers and knives and all sorts of things.

But that didn't stop me when I saw what they were at.

I went for them.

We fought for hours.

But there was too many altogether.

So, your ma and me and Lisa we barricaded ourselves in and we wouldn't come out.

You're need gonna take our homes away from us.

And they couldn't get in, no matter how hard they tried.

They huffed and they puffed, but it was no use.

And all around us... we could hear the screaming and wailing of our friends and neighbors as they tore their houses to little pieces.

Like savages they were.

They tried everything but they didn't know me.

I wouldn't budge.

No matter if they brought the whole place down around our ears.

And then the Mayor came!

That's right.

They were so pissed off they couldn't get the better of me the Lord Mayor of Dublin himself come out to see your da.

Mr. Lynch.


Michael! Michael, please, if you'll just hear me.


Get on your knees!

I'm pleading with you!

I personally have been authorized to offer you these keys to two houses.

One for us and one for Auntie Lisa.

And I made him promise... that no-one could ever take our homes away from us again.

And the Mayor said...

Yes, I promise!

So, I graciously accepted their offer.

I won. I beat them all.

The bailiff and the Mayor and the law.

I was loyal. And that's why I won.

You see, the thing is... they'll never beat you... if you stick together and stay loyal.

Are they asleep?

It's time for the tickle man.

See you tomorrow.


Hiya, Michael.

Hey, Shaun.

You're late.

Sorry, bedtime stories.

God! The Mansions again.

I bet that put 'em to sleep.

Christine asked me to ask you would you mind looking after Tom and Shane tomorrow.

She has to go into town to get Breda her first communion gear.

No problem.

Are you ready for this?

Oh yeah.

I missed you.

Fuck them! Don't answer!

No, gotta call Billy, tell him what's happening.

Jesus! Fuck 'em!

Who was with you at the bank?

It was Stevie.

No, no. Did Stevie drive the car?

Stevie drove the car, right?

That's right.

And Tony Brady was with you, yeah?

You see, we know what you did, Lynch, doing jobs while you're out on bail.

And we have proof boy.

All you have to do is say, ''Yes, that's just the way it was''.

You drove to the courts on a motorbike and then you switched at the last moment, right?

Fifteen minutes, that's easy on a bike, Lynch.

Give us an answer, you fucking gobshite!

All right, Con. Take it easy.

Shall we start all over again, shall we?

You weren't with either of your two wives Monday night we know that much.

So, Michael, if you weren't with the two ugly sisters don't tell me you were off banging some other old slag?

I realize you're not a golfing man, Detective Sergeant but... the Association of Inspectors and Superintendents Annual Four Ball had to be cancelled today.

Now, why do you think it had to be cancelled?

Well, I did mention to you, sir, that things like this usually happen when we try to inter...

Don't be the smart Alec with me, Noel.

I haev to tell you, there's a lot of very unhappy golfers here today.

This is vital rest and recreation for senior officers.

Do you understand the importance of this, Detective Sergeant?

Well I do now, sir.

Are you trying to tell me ''I told you so''?

I'll tell you someting, Detective Sergeant...

I will not have the reputation of the Garda... brought into disrepute by these shenanigans.

We will not be intimidated by the likes of Michael Lynch.

Are you listening to me now?

Christine wasn't upset, was she?

No, no, she's fine.

You see, every time you go out on the road there's dangers out there bits of glass lying in wait nails, pot-holes.

So you have to watch out, watch your every move coos otherwise they'll get you.


The bits of glass and that.

Sooner or later, if you're not careful and then you get a puncture and then you're fucked.

And then you fix it for me.

Yeah, I do. Aren't you a clever little shite.

Can I put the patch on now?

Don't wrinkle it.

Job's worth doing.

If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing well.

That's right... cool.

That'll be the best way to park.

Fucking brilliant parking that was.

Shit! A beaut.

Hey, Tony, you drive like a bleeding old woman.

Fucking comedian...

Mad fuck.


...the new fella, Shay Kirby... doesn't bother you he used to be in the IRA?

Nah, he's out a couple of years.

A bit doggy though, isn't it?

Look, why are you bringing him in?

He's the inside man on the job I'm gonna tell you about.

Look, I understand.

While I'm talking I'll make some crack about the Provos, you watch how he reacts.

Tommy, come on, we're going.

Say goodbye to daddy.

Bue-bye, da.

By, chicken.

Bye lads.


Bye, da.

All right, sitting down, lads.

One more round, Michael?

Little fella, sit down.

All right...

First, you've all met Shay Kirby.

How's it going?

Now, as you know...

I may be a bit occupied in the Four Courts come Monday week.

Now, should go okay, but you never know.

So I thought maybe now is the time for a job I've been thinking about the last few months.

One of those impossible ones.

Now, this is one the IRA had their piggy little eyes on but even they thought it couldn't be done.

Well, lads, when I heard that I thought to myself, we're gonna have to show those dozy fuckers a thing or two about robbing O'Donnell's jewellery factory.

Jesus Christ, Michael.

Bollocks, man!

What I was thinking was... we wouldn't actually try to break into the factory itself but we'd sort of drop in.

Fuck. Jesus Christ!

And then sort of camp out in the yard until someone arrives to let us in the next morning.

And that someone... is Mr. Fintan Doorley the General Manager.

Like myself, very precise man.

Fintan arrives at five-to-eight every morning.

Now, as a man who likes and needs routine he will probably be a bit surprised at what he sees.

Good morning, Mr. Doorley. We're here to steal your gold.

Meet our esteemed leader.

Good morning, staff.

Identify yourselves.

Once inside they'll meet Tony, Tom and Billy who'll invite them to step into the marquee.

And lads... Politely, okay?

As long as they're doing us no harm, we won't do them any harm.

Stop mucking around. Do as you're told!

You got that, Billy?


Just get the people inside.

Blow up the air bed, love, I'l be in in a minute.

That's enough out of you, Billy.

Give us a kiss, you big ride, you.

Yeah, yeah. Okay, Michael.

So that at quarter-to-nine, we all drive back out again.

And we can all relax because it will be some time before anyone gets to call the Gardai.

Now does everyone have a picture of that in their minds?

Because, lads, I promise... that's just the way it's gonne be easy as pie.

What age are you, Alec?

What, ten years younger than me?

Big difference.

Then Tony and Michael, add another ten years on to that.

Now, when they were kids they had fuck all.

Ain't that right, Michael?

We had each other.


Now, I'm that much younger so I got some stuff, but it was never the right stuff.

What are you shitting on about, man?

Billy, Billy knows what I'm talking about, don't you?


For fuck's sake.

What was the big thing when you were eight, say?

''Star Wars'', I suppose. Is that what you mean?

''Star Wars''.

Now, I bet you got the proper ''Star Wars'' stuff.

You know, the real toys. What were they called?

Luke Skywalker, Darth Vader, I had all that shite, man.

And it was the proper thing, yeah? The official stuff?

Yeah, so what?

So, I never got that.

But, sure, me da probably robbed the fucking things anyway.

It doesn't matter!

My ma and da couldn't even rob the proper thing.

That's a fucking tragedy, Stevie.

It is a fucking tragedy.

Fellas your age, you got the proper thing.

And now my kids want every fucking thing that's going.

And you're gonna use all your money to make sure they get it. Fair play to you.

In me hole.

I'm gonna make up for all the stuff I missed out on.

I'm gonna enjoy myself.

Go ahead Tom.

Right, Michael.

Now, the depth of this door is just right.

Now, once that panel is removed the bars sit in there, nice and snug.

Now, if you have enough of them, they don't rattle around.

And you don't even notice the extra weight when you're opening and closing the door.

Now this couple I've lined up they're complete innocents that's the beauty of it no extra splits.

They're just old friends of me da's.

Couple in their fifties Mr. and Mrs. Harmless.

And you know Customs... while they're busy searching bearded ex-hippies in their 2CVs they'll be tipping their hats at our pair as they chugger, chugger through at their usual twenty-five miles an hour.

Then they drive all the way over to the Cotswolds.

They've told me all about this lovely hotel it's so quiet and peaceful that they always go back every year.

This is how I see it all happening, Michael.

It's not too far from Birmingham, right, so I can fly in be at their hotel inwhat, half an hour.

They'll be there taking afternoon tea completely unaware that they've a couple of hundred thousand quids' worth of gold sitting outside in the car.

There'll be no more than, what a dozen cars parked there no security, so getting at the car'll be no problem.

Bing, bang, boom. Get the gold bring it to the fence.

Tom, it all sounds fine.

I'll see you when you get back, so.

Don't worry about it, Michael. You can trust me.

Hi, Uncle Billy.

Come here to me, chicken. Come here to me.

Oh, look at you.

My God, are you an angel or a princess?

Isn't she gorgeous?

Come here to me. Tell me this would that buy a few rosary beads eh?

Come here. What do you say to Mr. Higgins?

Thank you.

No problem, love.

Good girl, good girl. Now, come here to me, listen.

Go on uupstairs, right, and I'll be with you in a few minutes.

All right, chicken, go on.

Save us a dance, love, will you?

Who's your man there with Billy?

Higgins is his name.

Grew up around here all right. Went to college, you know.

IRA I heard.

Funny thing, he looks more like you than your brother does.

Same haircut anyway.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm telling you.

Yeah, I know, I'm not gonna fuck it up all right?

Thanks for the lift.

Da, da, look what granny gave me.

What is it, chicken?

It's a holy book with lots of pictures.

Oh, isn't that brilliant?

What I'd give to have a present like that.

That's what I'd like to know where did you come from?


Mickey, you know that job that Tom was doing for you in England?


What I mean, Mike, even though I always knew that Tom was a bit of a fucking eject you know, he was sound.

I mean, if you'd asked me that's what I'd have told you.

Looks like he's done a runner and... there's no car and there's no gold.


So what do you wanna do?

Why the fuck did he think he could get away with it?

It's not like him, I'll say that for him.

And mind you, can you ever trust anyone these days?

Yeah, you can. That's what it's all about.

Wouldn't have asked him to do the job if I didn't trust him.

What now?

You go find him. Bring him back.




You can finish your dinner first.

Jesus, are you gonna queue up?

I'll have to, won't I unless you've any better ideas?

Well, I can get you in there no bother. Private tour.

No, thanks, I'll try the front door.

Fair enough. Listen, I've gotta go.

Got this stupid fucking court thing in half-an-hour.

Enjoy yourself.

I will. You'll be all right, will you?


My Lord, may I request an adjournment of proceedings until Wednesday?

Application refused. but, my Lord, Mr. Harrison... the prosecution is ready, the jury is ready, I am ready.

Your client cannot avoid the process of law indefinitely.

Mr. McHale, are you ready to begin?

Certainly, my Lord.

Almost two years ago on the nineteenth of February the defendant, Michael Lynch and an unknown associate entered the premises of Superex a video game company.

They were armed and dangerous.

They threatened the life of a member of staff and stole over thirty-two thousand pounds in cash.

Listen, Michael...

See this?


Can I hang it up in our room?

What do you want a holy picture for?

It's not a holy picture, it's a Caravaggio.

He's about as holy as you are.

Well, it looks like a holy picture to me.

Can I hang it up, or can't I?

Of course.

And you wont' be slagging me about it?

I promise.


Can I go to the toilet, da?

Of course.

Do you get the feeling I don't believe you, Tom?

Please, Michael... please! I swear...

I mean, even if it is true, these old ones got their car door ripped off by a passing Land Rover and then left it abandoned on the side of the road.

I searched, Michael. I drove up and down.

I found the car and I even put a new door on it an' all.

I fucked up, you know, and I was, I was afraid.

So you don't think I'm a fair man then, Tom?


No, it's not, it's not that, Michael, it's...

Please, Michael... I'm sorry, please.

What did you do with the gold?

Oh, God...

I did nothing!

I never got it, I never!

It's gone. You have to believe me.

But you ran away, Tom.

Only scumbags run away.

You can't trust someone who does that, can you?

I mean, would you trust them, Tom? Would you?

No, no, I wouldn't.

So you see why this is a problem I have to deal with, don't you?

I mean, I can't leave it hanging around, can I?

Yeah, I know...

Where's the gold?

I don't know.

What do you think?

I don't know, Michael, I...

I'm not certain... or anything like...

I'd nearly believe him, Michael.

Yeah, I think you're right.

His story is so stupid it's probably true.

All rigth, let him down.

I'm sorry, Tom. I believe your story now.

Tony'll take you to the hospital.

Oh, you're on the medical card, aren't you?

I mean this won't cost you anything, will it?


Grand, night. Lads.

And will the accused sit up and let us see his face, please!

The accused is a very clever man.

But the extraordinary thing about him is that he seems unable to resist letting the rest of the world know how clever he is. sometimes I think he's not a real criminal at all, he's just a big show-off.

How are things, Michael?

Fair, Shay. What'll you have?

No, I'm grand.

Is everything all right, Michael?

Yeah, fine.

Oh, it's just this... there's this judge... he's getting on my nerves.

He's prejudiced, you know.

Is that right?

That's his daughter's car. Do you think you could find it?

Consider it done.

Trial's supposed to end on Thursday will that give you enough time to send them a bit of a message?

A ''frightener''?

It has to be timed just right.

Give me the keys, love.

Thanks for the lunch, sir... and a very stimulating conversation.

Bye, dad. Hope we didn't outstay our welcome.

Not at all, Moira.

Mind you, he does like the osund of his own voice, doesn't he?

You're one to talk.

In conclusion... whatever the jury's feelings may be... as to what seems the just conclusion to draw...

I must remind you that... if the available evidence is not sufficient for a conviction then... you must not convict.

This is another disaster for the Gardai, isn't it?

Mr. Lynch has been found not guilty.

That is not to say that the Gardai are pursuing anyone else in connection with this crime.

It's also not to say that the Gardai will cease its investigations in the activities of Mr. Michael Lynch.

Do you think the justice system is too soft on criminals, Michael?

Michael, how can you afford such an expensive legal team, Mr. Lynch?

Are you back on the dole, Michael?

Now that you're innocent, can you show us your face?


There's daddy with the black hood on him.

That's right.

Da, why are you wearing a black hood?

Cos, I don't want them to see me.

...that Mr. Michael Lynch is not a funny man.

All right, now, kids, who is he?

A Garda.

Is he a pig, da?

You're both right, but you never call him a pig.

Pay attention to him, call him a Garda and never trust him or anyone like him.

Come on, play it, Michael. Are me and Lisa in it?

It's just a little bit you have to watch it's in the, the beginning...

Hey, that's us.We're famous.

We're not the stars of the show, of course.

We'd only be like extras, you know.

Will you go and play outside, please.

Are you going home?

We've gotta go home in a minute.

All right, come on, we'll watch it again in a while.

Get your coats.

But it does seem that the Gardai just can't control the spiral of crime in the city right now.

Does it?


Billy! How are youse?

Billy, how are you?

God, you're looking well tonight.

I like the suit there, big fella. Thanks. How are you doing?

Right, fine. How are you, Michael?

Lisa and Christine, isn't it?

Sorry, I'm not sure which is which. Dark, you know.

Who's that?

It's Jerome Higgins. He wants to talk to you.

Jerome Higgins?

Since when yhave you become the messenger boy for the IRA, little fella?

Talk to him, will you?

A few minutes, that's all, honestly, it's no trouble or anything.

What's the problem, Michael?

I don't like being told what to do, that's the problem.

It's grand.

I won't be long. Okay?


Conversing with the riff-raff.

Glad our man, Shay Kirby, was able to help you out with that Judge, Michael.

Shay doesn't work with you any more.

But his training, Michael. His methods.

What are you looking for?

Well, I was just saying to Billy there that I think there could be a lot of merit in a bit of co-operation between us.

Well, I don't.

Billy wouldn't agree with you there and we've done a few favours for your Billy.

Now, I suppose you know that we had our eye on O'Donnells Jewellery as well.

Tough shite.

Because we thought a reasonable cut from the what?

Two million, I believe, would be a nice gesture to us, Michael.

Call it a symbol of future collaboration.

How about a symbol of future fuck all?

You've neither the fucking brains or the gumption to do your own robbing so you think you can come around here and squeeze an ordinary decent criminal, like me, who knows something about his job.

Fuck off and double fuck off, Jerome.

Night, little fella.

Excuse me.

Oh, and, no hard feelings by the way.

God loves a trier and keep your eye on the papers, Higgins... cos that'll be the first place you hear about my next job when it's all over the front pages.

The biggest yet. Way out of your league.

What job are you talking about, Michael?

Don't ask me, I'm making it up as I go along.

M, it's me.

Hi, Michael.

Look, I'm really sorry about that you know. Look, I'm really...


So, you got caught dealing and now you're in hock to the IRA.

You fucking spaz.

I want you out of Dublin, fast, little fella.

England, the States, I don't care where.

But keep away from them and keep away from me.

I'm sorry, Michael.

Mostly he enede up doing religious painting but that's only cos that's where the money was in those days.

Cardinals and Bishops were always hiring artists to paint scenes from the Bible.

And Lords, of course, trying to show of how holy they were.

He had to do a runner out of Rome for killing some fella in a fight.

Bit of a fucking headcase, do you know.

Michael, this isn't right.

Excuse me, my, my wife, she needs to...

See Jesus and Judas...

Caravaggio used fellas off the street as his models.

He hung around bars and whorehouses all the time picked out someone interesting to be Jesus or whoever.

I think he got a kick out of that, you know... having Cardinals on their knees... praying away to some painting of a murderer or something.

What are you laughing at?

Oh, nothing.

I was just thinking about what lasts, you know, and who gets the benefit.

I mean, your man who painted this he never saw any of the money it's supposed to be worth, right?

But he gets the reputation though I mean, people remember who he is.

And that's the thing, isn't it?

You're afraid no-one'll remember you after you're dead?

I think you should take up painting.

Why? So I'll be remembered?

Nah. So you could do the kitchen.

Hello, yeah?

Father Grogan?

Paul Grogan, yes, that's me.

My name's Christine.

I phoned you about the Caravaggio.

Oh, yes, of course.

Come in, you're welcome.

Oh, the painting was hanging right down here for years looking down at everyone having their supper and no-one took any notice of it.

Getting dirtier and dirtier.

Then one day I was celebrating Mass in our little chapel upstairs remind me to show it to you before you go.

Anyway, this morning it was Luke's wonderfully moving account of Veronica washing the face of Jesus.

And I thought, we must have that beautiful painting cleaned.

No idea what was about to be uncovered a Caravaggio...

I mean, a priceless original.

It was a pity for us in a way, of course, because it was lovely to have it there.

But, well... as soon as we knew its value we knew it couldn't stay here.

I mean any half decent thief could just walk in.

The gallery made us that very fine copy though.

Same size and all?

Oh, yes, an absolute replica.

Oh, I couldn't tell the difference.

What about an art expert?

Well, he or she would spot it in seconds.

If it really is worth thirty million why didn't you sell it to the gallery rather than giving it to them?

Well, not blowing our own trumpets now but I suppose we just thought it was the right thing to do.

Won't be long, about ten minutes I suspect.

Okay, lads, good luck.

What the bloody hell's he doing?

Get out of the car.

Get out of the fucking car!


Did you see their fucking faces?

Raferty van, that's it, that's it.

Get after him, Con. Turn the car around, get her round!

Shut up. I'm, like, doing it.

Oh their tail. We'll lose them, hurry up!

Would you, for fuck's sake, just shut up!

Okay, we're up on them.

Right, steady as you go, Con, steady as you go now.

Nice and handy.


The door's open, now's your chance.

What's the fucking matter with you? It's only a picture!

Jesus Christ! Come on.

I knew we were a country that respects art.


You never mind if there's bastards out there trying to get you.

They're only satisfied when they can grind you down, keep you poor, put you away.

They don't count. Not with us.

In fact, I think we can give them the run around any time we like cos they're only eejits.

Mentioning no names like.

And this thing of me becoming a bit of a TV star lately I want you all to know it's not gonna change me one little bit.

Come on, I wanna show you something.

We're top of the ratings, lads.

They might even give us our own series.

...valuable painting Caravaggio, ''The Taking of Christ'' was stolen in broad daylight by an unknown criminal gang posing as American tourists.

And none of them have a fucking clue as to who did it.

Oh, you wanna see the bum shot?

What the fuck is a bum shot?

Oh, Jesus.

Look at that arse on you, man.

Michael, the painting, how are we gonna get rid of it?

It's all sussed.

Alec is going to Amsterdam next week to see a fence.

Let him make us an offer.

But the crack is, in the meantime while we're waiting for all of that we can just sit back and watch the Gardai make a pig's mickey of it.

I'll drink to that.

Michael, any idea how much we'll get for this holy picture here?

Like, just cos it's valued at thirty million.

We'll get enough to get rich, don't worry.

The point is, we've won.

I mean, you see ths, you see all this?

Think about what it means.

We're number one, not the Gardai not the IRA, not anyone else.

The whole country is in awe of us.

Because of a little divine intervention here from... we're bigger than Riverdance.

One day at a time... sweet Jesus, that's all I'm asking of you Just give me the strength to do everything that I have to do Yesterday's gone sweet Jesus And tomorrow may never be mine

I think this is the signal.

Watch... see?

Spot on.

Well, it's the signal itself that got to me, sir.

Well, you're right, he's giving a signal but... he's imitating the painting, sir.

Same as your man Judas there.

Oh, right, very clever, but...

Yeah, it's smart.

Obviously someone that likes a gag. Someone that likes a joke.

That's what made me realise it's Michael Lynch.

We can't get a positive ID from that picture, sir, but I did body size and shape comparisons with Lynch and Brady.

Heads, heights, everything, they match.

Very interesting, Noel, well doen.

Good to see the gizmos being put to use and so on, but it's a coincidence.

Your nose alone should tell you that Lynch is not capable of this kind of thing.

I went back over some of the security videos from the art gallery, sir. I found this.

Lynch and his wife Christine on a day out.

I know it's not evidence of anything, sir but what the fuck is Michael Lynch doing at a seventeenth century Italian art exhibition?

My wife went to that exhibition!

I'm sorry, but we'd look like fools presenting that idea to the top lads in Interlope.

If my training with the FBI has taught me anything, it's these specialist robberies are the preserve of a few international gangs.

Germans, Dutch, art thieves that really know their business.

Come on, Noel, admit it.

Lynch just isn't in that league.

Behave yourself.

Oh, charge it to room 764, please.

No... Peter. In fairness you've travelled a long way to meet us.

You have to let me pay this time.

Hey, you know it's no problem.

You'll be paying the hotel bill anyway.

Hey, Alec, he's right. He's fucking right.

So we will.

Hey, I like your style, Peter.

Smart fella there. I like that.

Oh phone call. Won't be long.

Hey, Peter, I think that slapper over there has her eye on you.

What's a slapper?

Yeah... no, yeah, no, half eleven's fine, yea...

No... I'll be there, yeah...

It's certainly not the MO of any gang that we know.

Which suggests very strongly that it's a very clever local Irish operation.

You've probably come to that conclusion yourselves already.

Oh yes, oh, indeed, aye.

Well, of course we're pretty confident at this stage that this is the work of a gang led by Michael Lynch.

Now, I'm personally familiar with Lynch's MO and though normally art theft isn't really histhing, this particular robbery seems to have his mark on it all right.

If you know who you're dealing with it will make a recovery operation much easier.

We know that someone here in Dublin has made contact with a fence in Amsterdam.

Let us call him Peter.

Peter had made contact with us to offer his co-operation.

Good afternoon, lads.

All set?

All ready, sir.


Yes, sir?

Get to work.

Right away, sir.

Whatever you do, don't say anything to him about where you're taking him, or mention anything about the painting at all.


Not a word.

I mean it. Good luck.

See you there, Michael.

Do you like art, generally?

What do you think of the painting?

Oh, I couldn't give a shite, man, to be honest with you.

Well, it's a beautiful Caravaggio, isn't it?

Well, of course I realize, well, I suppse that money is your main interest.

I can tell you, you don't like to talk, you have no interest in conversation.

Not true. I love a good chat, man.

So, these are the beautiful Dublin mountains.

Spotter plane.

They've got it, sir.

All right.

Let's hope the weather remains fine, especially if we have to view outdoors.

Where do you want it?

The Caravaggio?

Upright somewhere.

Lean it against the tree there.

It's so strange to be standing on a wooded mountain top looking at one of the great marvels of Renaissance art.

''The Taking Of Christ'', by Caravaggio.

What are you shouting for?

Oh, sorry, was I?

A little excited perhaps. After all, this is a...

Right. So, tell me, are you happy with your examination?

Yes, very happy.

Right then, lads, follow me.

Back to Roundwood okay?

Roundwood. Got him.

Units 2,3 and 6, Roundwood.

I want a complete roadblock. All roads in. All roads out.

All units to Roundwood...

Copy that, control. Unit 6 on our way to Roundwood.

Unit 5, how far away are you?

Isn't the scenery around here only fantastic Peter?

Of course, you've no mountains in Holland, sure you haven't.

No, very flat Holland.

I love your country very much.

Same here, Peter.

Ireland's a great place to live, do you know that?

Are we near Roundwood yet?

About half a mile.

As soon as we get off this road we're as good as there.

Fantastic. We might stop for a pint, will we?

Are you thirsty?

The cheek of the man.

Are they in position yet?

I want that roadlock rock solid do you hear me?

Mothing repeat, nothing is to get through.

Unit 6, call in, where are you?

I know the very best pub for you, Peter.

Lovely log fire. Irish music sessions and they serve a great pint.

Are you sure he said Roundwood?

Sir, the surveillance plane can't spot the subjects anywhere near Roundwood.


He says they're not in the area.

Well, they have to be.

Are you sure it's Roundwood? Over.

Maybe they're not out of the woods yet.

Here we go. That's Roundwood up ahead there, Peter.

Supposed to be the highest village in Ireland.

Wouldn't mind living aroung here, I can tell you.

A lovely quiet spot.

Yes, yes, very tranquil.

They're just coming into Roundwood now.

Well, the surveillance plane still can't spot them.

Well, what's going on?

Oh, fuck... God forgive me.

No sign of them. Nothing at all.

What an awful waste of taxpayers' money.

What's he talking about now?

I hope the Government will pay for your funeral, Peter.

It's the least they can do.

Please, don't.

Jesus Christ, Michael, that was fucking amazing.

Here, Tony, Stevie, wasn't that the business?

I bet the Gardas are sitting there thinking, ''What the fuck are we after letting ourselves in for?''

''There is no way we can get all these fuckers''

''they're untouchable.''

You knew all along, didn't you?

How do you mean?

Like, explain it to me.

What the fuck did we go through all that for if you knew Peter was a fake?

They're gonna feel so stupid.

The Gardas are gonna think they'll never get the better of us.

Yeah, maybe.

I just wouldn't try that one with stevie right now.

Stevie? Fuck him if he's got no sense of humor.

On the night, He was betrayed.

He took bread and gave you thanks and praise. He broke the bread gave it to his disciples and said

''Take this all of you nd eat it this is my body''

''which will be given up for you.''

May He make us an everlasting gift to you and enable us to share in the inheritance of your Saints with Mary, The Virgin Mother of God with the Apostles... the Martyrs...

Right, Michael, we're up your arse now.


Take a look at what's happening outside.



What the fuck...

Hi, cunts.

Shut your fucking mouth, you little toerag.

What the fuck are you gonna do about it?

I'll fucking shut it for you.

Alec, come here. I'll fucking shut it for you, you runt.

Lads. It's Christine.

How are you all?


Come on. Let's see what they're at. Thisi s something new... we just ignore 'em, no matter what they do.

Right, lads?

Alec... What?

They don't exist.

I wouldn't fucking touch them.

Then again I might have to give someone a good kicking.

Your escorts. Here boys, we'll look after you.

You fucking wanker, get out of my way.

That baldy fuck's supposed to be a mastermind criminal?

You must be joking just a thick gobshite who got lucky I'd say.

Well, he's fucked now.

Hey, Lynch, are you listening to me?

Can you feel it, can you?

You might as well give up now.

Cos we're gonna be glues to your arse from now on.

Yeah, like flies on shite.

Hey, girls, you got a minute?

What's up with you?

Oh, nothing.

Fucking Gardas, you know, getting on me nerves.

Listen, I need one of you to drive me later on.

So where are the Gardas gonna be?

Are you gonna fucking hlep me or not?


Keep your hair on.

Why can't you cops leave people alone?

How can they keep this up? This is harassment.

How many of them are there?

How are we supposed to work with the cops all over us?

I don't recognize any of them.

Would somebody call the Gardas, sort out this mess?

They're never around when you need them.

It's just no fun any more, is it, Lisa? time's up and I think you know it.

I've had a contact about the painting, Michael.


An offer. From the IRA a hundred grand.

Not great, I know, but it's better than letting the thing just rot away.

Their man Higgins said, if you did the deal it would be okay about Billy.


Like, if he comes to Dublin, there'd be no hassle.

You talked to Higgins about Billy?

Look, let's do the deal so thowe fuckers go after the IRA and let us alone.

Fucking sure anyway, it's not our kind of stuff, you know this art shite.

Let the IRA deal with it, man.

Look at all these Gardas... look what we've done to them, we've dragged them down to our level.

They're acting like criminals now.

I'm their worst fucking nightmare.

And now you're telling me you want to get rid of the painting the thing we'll be remembered for.

You think he'll give you a hundred grand?


Like fuck he will.

Can't you see what Higgins is up to?

It's not about the money, it's not about the painting.

It's about splitting us.

Michael, we're robbers. We rob for a living.

I'm not making a living any more.

Yeah, I know, you need things. You want money, I know.

Michael, they're coming.

Will you have a think about it what we've been saying?

Will you, Michael?

Tell Higgins I'll let him know.

And I'll let him know too.

And I hope we're talking about the same thing.

See you later, Michael.

D'you fancy a pint, copper?

Look at the time, I'll be late picking up me kids.

Michael Lynch. And how are you today?

What's this?

Your benefits have been rescinded.

Try that one again.

It's the Government.

I just got the order.

You see, they've cut off your payments.

So I have to... you know, I, I, I can't...

You think you can break me like this?

You're off your fucking head.

Would you stop for a minute and listen.

Can't you see where it's all heading, Michael?

Only the one way...

You've been prison twenty years Me, Lisa, the kids...

No, no, I wouldn't let it fucking happen...

Michale Lynch, Norman here, good morning Tell you the news about donor I'd say Christine's very pissed off.

You ugly bag os shite.

You're losing it, Lynch, so fast.

As long as you live...

Stop it... we'll be here watching you.

No escape.

Fuck off, Michael.

Christine, did we wake you?

Do you really think they'll ever let you get away, Michael...

All right. after all you did?

All right, you're right, but they're never gonna fucking put me away, you hear me, no matter what they fucking do. Never.

They're out to get you. What can you do it?

What can I do about it?

I'll tell you what I'll fucking do about it...


Sorry for the disturbance, Christine.


I never thought they'd get this close.

Hey, Lynch...

What's so, what?

Show us your ugly mug.

If they were me down, then it was all worth nothing.

I'll lose everything.

You... Lisa... the kids.

What about the painting? If we got some money...

I wasn't in it for the money.

In it for the crack.

I got a few good laughs out of it.

You know what you are?

That good, yeah?

Wouldn't be everyone's cup of tea, but it suits me.

That is disgusting.

Hey, keep the noise down, Lynch.

How are you, Michael?

You got me offer?

So what do you think?

Last time we spoke I told you to go fuck yourself.

Things have changed a bit since then, haven't they?

That's right, Michael.

I mean, all these lads, following it's not good, you know? one has to face facts.

You cut your cloth, Michael.

So I suppose it'll come as a bit of a shock when I tell you to go fuck yourself again.

I'd tear up that painting and wipe me hole with it before I let you near it.

It's too late for you, Michael.

There's no Lord Mayors begging to do you favours any more.

That's long gone.

I've a picture in me head of you sitting with your grandchild on your knee.

A bit of drool coming slowly down your chin.

Talking shite.

Michael who?

We have a show. Tony.



I've been fucking you around, haven't I?

Yeah, you have, Michael.

I'm sorry.

Well, it's to be expected with all this shite going on.

Yeah, but whatever Stevie's up to, he's gonna make things worse. You know that, don't you?

No, I don't He's only trying to sort things.

Get us back to where we were.

Oh, you think that's what Higgins wants? You believe that?

What choice do we have? You're not helping.

Do you think any of these fellas can lip-read?

You'd be amazed the skills the Gardas have these days.

You're fantastic lads.

Do you know that?

He's got a crack.

For Christ sake, Michael.

Tell me then. What's next?

Stevie's gonna try to get the painting to Higgins, isn't he?

With or without me.

Come on, we all know that, Tony.

So how's he gonna get away from the Gardas?

It's a good plan. I think it'll work.

Fair enough. Tell it to me then.

Come on, trust me with it, will you?

You know Copeland Grove?


It's a cul-de-sac, right. With the steps at the end.

Yeah, leading up to Summerhill.

You're gonna drive up there.

How? All together? One car's no good.


No... a car each, so you could block the road.

Not bad, if you can pull it off.

Don't see why we can't.

A car will be waiting for you?


Of course, for the painting. No, that's not bad.

Alec can move that out lively enough.

Yeah. Once we get shot of the Gardass... all we have...

Hold on a minute.

That's where it'll happen.


Oh, you'll get rid of the Gardas all right.


Cos I think they'll be tipped off.

Which is better for Higgins?

To buy some painting he can't get rid of or to get all of Michael Lynch's gang arrested in one go?

Leaving just me for him to come after in his own good time.

Think about it...

Higgins or Stevie... who would the smart money be on?

Look, all I'm saying... whatever happens...

I promise... I'll be waiting.

Come and get me.

oh, you'll get rid of the Gardas all right.


Cos Higgins will have tipped them off.

The way me and Higgins see it is, if we're reasonable, we can divide the work.

Co-operate, let each other know what we're doing, that kind of thing, so as we don't get in each other's way.


While the cops are looking for us, Higgins is robbing the bank on Dame Street.

I can't believe what I'm hearing. Stevie, I thought we were doing one thing... unloading the painting to try and get everything back to normal Persuade...

Yeah, normal that means no Michael.

Cos he's not normal any more, is he?

Alec, pull up here.

If anything goes against us... It'll be nothing to do with me.


It's Tony, you were right, Michael.

Stevie's gone over to Higgins.

Okay... Are you free? Anyone on to you?

Nah, not a Garda in sight.

Jesus, yes. Right.

Liten, have you found out anything?

Where's Higgins picking up the painting?

It's Stevie who's doing the pick-up.

Apparently while he's collecting the painting...

Higgins is planning to rob a bank.

I think it's some plan to confuse the Gardas.

Do you know where?

The Metro Bank in Dame Street, Stevie said.

Jut before mid-day.

All right, here's what you do... you get there now, fast, to check it out.

And make sure you're not being followed.


Ring me in fifteen minutes.


Oh, and Tony... Yeah?

What are you wearing by the way?



Have you two kissed and made up?

Me and Tony? Oh, yeah, sure.


Can't be falling out with friends like him.

Listen girls...

I think I'm gonna be able to fix things, you know so you wont' be walking the streets begging.

Tony and me have come up with something... something very tasty. Like this...

Listen, I gotta go, okay?

Don't worry. It's grand, Michael.

Go on so. Get out from under our feet.

Wish me luck, girls, there's a lot of bad people out there.

Hi, da.

Nothing yet, Michael.

Maybe Stevie was bullshitting.

I don't thinkso. I think we're in business, Tony.

All right, now are you listening? Yeah.

Here's how it's gonna happen.

You hang around inside the bank. I'll be outside.

There'll be the usual Gardas in attendance.

But not so many.

Remember... Higgins will betray Stevie...

At last we can make some fucking money on this thing.

So most of the armed units will be chasing him and Alec to get the painting.

Now once Higgins' boys arrive... we're off and running.

I'm disappointed in you, Shay.

Mother of Christ.

That's Shay Kirby.

Let's check it out.

Good morning. I'd like to apply for a loan.

Thank you.

How's it going, Shay?

Put it down. Drop it.

Put it down, now. Drop it.

Take it easy, Shay.

Put it down! Now!

Put it down! Do it. Nice and easy.

Stand up! Turn around!

Against the wall.


Alec, watch the fucking painting. Jesus Christ.

Don't move a fucking muscle.

Fuck me. What the fuck are we gonna do, man?

Right, keep the fucking painting up...

Right, right, we keep behind the painting.


Keep behind the fucking painting!

Right, right. Come on, back we go then.



Go... Fucking back up.

Drop the guns!

Drop the guns!

What the fuck are we gonna do?

Drop the fucking picture!

Everybody... On your knees now.

Get down.

You're a fucking arsehole. What the fuck are we gonna do?

Michael would never have gotten us into this fucking mess.


Fuck art!

All right, Liam, he's safe.

We need back-up.

This is foxtrot one calling... we request immediate armed assistance.

We've got a situation here.

All armed units are chasing that painting!

Fucking bollocks!

What the fuck are you looking at?

All right let's move.

Right, stay there.

You'll have to sign for that boys.

Drop the gun.

Don't... don't fucking shoot me!

Drop the gun. Nice and easy.

Michael Lynch is involved. This is a highly dangerous situation.

We're doing our best, but we've no armed units right now.

For fuck's sake, we need armed units, now!

Holy shit.

Hope they dont' take that out of your wages, boss.

Sorry, Noel, we've got urgent calls.

There's an armed robbery going on in the Metro Bank in Dame Street.

They're still inside, and apparently one of the's Lynch.


How the fuck did he...

I've no idea.

Tell them to keep him there.

Whatever they do, keep him there.

Right, Noel.

Come on, lads, out of here. Come on, move.

Luke, get on to Control. I want cars down there now.

And get those guys out of the bank.

Michael Lynch talking. Do you hear me?

I'm coming out. I'm giving myself up. Okay?

What do you want me to do?

Die, you motherfucker.

Put your hands clearly in the air and come out slowly.

Okay. Here I come, lads.

Keep walking towards us until we tell you to stop.

You fellas are gonna be famous do you know that?

Shoot the fucker.

Put your gun down.

Walk away from it.

You're dead, Lynch, so's your fucking family.

Shut up.

All right, everyone stand up. Up, up, now.

Go, move...

What the...?

How are you doing?

Shoot the fucker!

Get down...

Lynch is still in there.

Keep Lynch there whatever happens.

Repeat, keep Lynch there.

What the fuck now?

Lynch, come out.



What's going on?

Haven't a clue.

But Lynch is still in there.


Are you out there, Noel?

I know I've been messing with your lads and they're probably a bit annoyed.

But this is it.

You have me for real this time.

I'm coming out.

Put the gun down.

Put the fucking weapon down.

Noel... that's it?

Tell his wife to come and identify the body.


Where's Michael?


Are you Michael Lynch's wife Christine?

And you are his sister-in-law Lisa?


Would you formally identify this body as that of your husband Michael Lynch?

A nod'll do.

Oh God.

Sure they'd never recognise him with his head in that state.

I think they will.


Oh yes, of course, right enough.

So, is that him then, girls?

Yes... this is the body of my husband.

Right... it's over... well done.

Take it

Give me the fucking mask

Good morning, Jero

Before we go our separate ways, let us take leave of our brother Michael.

May our farewell express our affection for him.

May it ease our sadness and strengthen our hope.

Lynch would love this send off.

He's probably up there somewhere having a good laugh at the idea of us protecting him now.

It was the right thing to do, Noel.

Fuck it, he's dead.

Something between me and him, Ger.

It's the way these things usually end up.

Now, that's what your mummy sent you for.

Yeah, she'll pay you tomorrow.

Grand. Mind yourself crossing that road now.





Hello there. Lovely day for it huh?

It certainly is.

And how are you today?

Well, now...

Let's see now.

Is that tins of corned beef you have there?

Yep, ''John West''. Do you want one?

I'll tell you what, can you hang on to it for me?

I'll collect it later on me way back.

Save me lugging it around on the bike.

Well, of course. That's a grand bike you have.

I wish I had your speed.

Well, gets me around, you know.

Good luck.


Michael, you just can't live without us, can you?

Bless us, oh, Lord.

And these thy gifts, which of thy bounty, we are about to receive through Christ our Lord, amen.