Orgazmo (1997) Script

## [Rock]

# Hey #

# What makes a man Is it the power in his hands #

# Is it his quest for glory #

# Give it all you got to to fight to the top #

# So we can know your story #

# Now you're a man # # A man #

# A man, man, man #

# Now you're a man a manny, manny, man # # A man #

# A man, man, man # # A man #

# You are now a man You're a man #

# Now you're a man #

# Live it, live it #

# What makes a man Is it the woman in his arms #

# Just 'cause she has big titties #

# Or is it the way he fights everyday #

# No, it's probably the titties #

# Now you're a male a male, male, male # # A man #

# Now you're a ma-male # # A man #

# A ma-male, ma-male, male Now you're a male #

# A man # # M-A-N, man, man #

# Ma-Man, man #

# Now you're a man ##

## [Ends]

## [Whistling]

Hello there. My name is Robert White. And I'm Joseph Young.

And we're with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Who?

Let me ask you a question. What would you say if someone offered you... peace and happiness through all of eternity?

Fuck off!

Thank you. Have a nice day.

[Sighs] Yeah, baby.

You make me so horny.

Oh, I want it so bad.

I bet you do. And I'm gonna give it to you.

Oh, good. 'Cause I'm so badly wanting it.

[Laughing]

Hi.

Thank you. Bye-bye.

Almost. Mm-hmm.

Oh, yeah. Harder. [Moans]

Give it... Oh, give it to me, you big stud.

I'm not a stud. Huh?

I'm not a stud. I'm...

Jizzmaster Zero! [Cackling]

[Yells] Oh, no. Help!

Somebody help! Ain't nobody gonna help you now, honey.

Somebody, save me.

Orgazmo!

Unhand her, Jizzmaster Zero!

You can't defeat me, Orgazmo!

Oh, yeah, I can too.

I'll use my Orgazmorator.

[Raspberries] [Yells] Oh, that feels good.

[Yells]

Now I will kick your ass.

Oh. Hello, ma'am.

My goodness, you have such an attractive little garden here. Why, thank you, young man.

I just planted those flowers last week. My, how they grow!

Yes, ma'am. We're from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Oh, the Mormons? That's right.

I'm Elder Young, and this is Elder White. Well.

You two boys can just fuck right off.

[Both] Ma'am? You heard me.

Take that book of Mormon and shove it so far up your righteous asses that you choke, you soul-soliciting pig fuckers.

There.

Gosh.

[Screaming]

Take this!

You take this! Ha-ha!

[Shrieking] Ow! I jammed my finger.

Cut! Ow, ow! I jammed my finger!

Jesus! [Shrieking] Cut!

Goddamn it, cut!

What the hell was that?

What is your problem, Zazinsky?

He blocked. He wasn't supposed to block, and he broke my finger.

You told me you knew how to fight.

Orgazmo's supposed to be a badass.

He shouldn't block me then!

Get back in there... and look tough, you fucking pansy!

I can't. My finger is broke.

You listen to me, you cocky prick!

If you ever wanna work in porno again, you'll do exactly what I say.

[Grunts] Get back to work!

Hey, where are you and Lisa gonna have the wedding?

Well, of course, Lisa wants to get married in the temple... in Salt Lake City, but it costs a lot of money.

I don't think I can afford it. Yeah, I know what you mean.

I don't know why the church makes it so expensive to have a wedding there.

Hey, don't worry. If you really want something to happen, the Heavenly Father will probably make it happen.

Yeah. Yeah.

Action! I'm Jizzmaster Zero!

Oh, no. Help.

No one's gonna help you now, honey!

Somebody save me.

Orgazmo.

Unhand her, Jizzmaster... [Knocking]

What is that? It's the front door, stupid.

Cut! Goddamn it!

Bilbo!

Go see who that is and kill them for disrupting my shoot!

Okay.

Hi. My name's Joseph Young. And I'm Robert White.

We're with the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Okay, hold on a second. Uh...

Uh, boss?

Some guys from Jesus?

Cut off their balls!

I gotta cut your balls off now.

Huh? Why?

Hey, we can take a hint.

You're not ready to change faiths right now. We respect that.

[Growling] Ow!

Come here! Wait, wait, wait, no!

[Punches Landing] [Joe Groaning]

Now this is how you kick somebody's ass.

That ought to teach those Moonies to stay away from my house.

Please, I don't wanna hurt you.

You don't wanna hurt me, huh?

Guards! More guards!

Just let me get my book and go.

Uh-huh.

Wow. Oh, sorry.

You little pussy! Oh!

[Yelling]

Sorry. Sorry.

Holy shit.

[Clapping]

That was brilliant!

You're terrific, kid. What's your name?

Look, I didn't mean to hurt these people.

Oh, no, no, no. They had it comin' to them, the rotten bastards!

Why were you trying to hurt this man?

What is it that you wanted?

Well, I-I'm from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Uh-huh.

And I want to share my love of Jesus with you.

Well, why didn't you say so? Come on in!

Really? Come on!

[Joe] "I say unto you, 'Nay, they are many.

Yea, and we can witness of their sincerity, because of their love towards their brethren, and also towards us."'

So, you see, Jesus Christ spoke to prophets... right here in the ancient Americas.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. I dig that Jesus guy.

You do? Oh, sure. The kids love him.

Happy Tart? Oh, thank you.

Listen, kid. Mmm.

[Clears Throat] Have you ever considered acting?

Me? Oh, yes. Actually, I majored in theater at B.Y.U.

Go on. Yeah.

Are you making a movie here? Yeah.

And I want you to take over as the leading man in my film.

Me?

Really? Well, wow.

I still have another week of mission work to do, but...

Well, what kind of movie is it? It's an action/adventure porno.

Porno? Like as in pornographic?

Well, yeah, but it's not like that. Oh.

Oh, I don't do those... those kind of movies.

Look, kid. It's two days' work, and I'll give you $5,000.

Hey, you were only giving me 300. How's your finger, Chechechez?

I think it's better. I'm ready to go. Yeah?

Ow! That certainly is a lot of money, but I'm afraid it goes against my beliefs.

Thank you very mu... Look, kid.

You got me all wrong. This is not your average porno.

This is a very touching script.

It's a poignant story about some very important issues.

But are there people having intercourse?

Well, this is an adult film.

Well, see, I can't do that.

All right. Make it $7,000.

It's very nice of you to offer me so much money, but...

Ten thousand.

I can't. See, I have a fiancée. And if she ever...

I got it. We'll use a stunt cock.

Anytime there's actual penetration, we'll bring in another penis. We do it all the time.

All you have to concern yourself with is the crime fighting and the acting.

But see, I'd still be acting in a pornographic movie. And that's what I...

Twenty thousand dollars. Excuse me?

Twenty thousand dollars? Are you crazy?

Twenty thousand dollars for two days' work?

And you don't even have to fuck.

I have to think about this. Can I think about this?

Sure. We'll start first thing Monday morning.

Well, I have to think about this. Yeah.

You start at 10:00.

I'm gonna think about this now.

I don't know. He doesn't seem much like the porno type to me, boss.

That's why he's so perfect for Orgazmo.

He's so prissy and wholesome.

You watch. In a couple of weeks, I'll make that little mama's boy the biggest porn star in the country.

[Sighs]

[Ringing] ## [Humming]

Hello? Hi, Lis.

Hi, honey. How are things in Utah?

Utah isn't as nice without you, that's for sure. How are things there?

Oh, fine.

I, uh... I had an interesting day. I got offered a part in a movie.

A movie? Like a Hollywood movie?

Yeah, and it pays a lot. Oh, Joe. That's wonderful.

Is it enough so that we can get married in the temple?

Lisa, it's $20,000.

[Screams]

[Chuckling]

Oh, you're the best, Joe.

Well, I don't know if I'm gonna do it, Lis. What? Why not?

There are some things in the movie that are against God's way.

Joe, even if movies are a little crude now and then, I think that the Lord understands that you need money for your family's future.

Twenty thousand dollars would get us off to a great start. I know it would.

So what is it? What are you acting in? Oh.

Uh, it's, uh, Death of a Salesman. Oh, let me guess. You're playing Biff, right?

Biff, yeah. [Chuckles]

[Horn Honks] Daddy's here to take me to choir practice, Joe.

Can I call you back later? Sure, sure.

Jesus and I love you, Joe. Jesus and I love you too, Lis.

Bye. Bye.

Heavenly Father, please show me the way.

I know it would be sinful to act in a movie that had sexual activity, but Lisa is so important to me.

And I need the money for our wedding and for a place to live.

Please, just give me a sign if you don't want me to do it.

[Rattling]

[Rumbling]

[Car Alarms Blaring]

Any sign at all.

Where is that little fucking choir boy?

I don't think he's gonna show up. Oh, really?

Rodgers, you and pickle dick here go find that bastard.

And you tell him if he doesn't act in my film, his parents, his friends, his fuckin' pets are gonna pay!

You tell him if he fucks with me, he'll be... [Door Opens]

Well, hello.

Hello. We were just talking about you. How are you?

I'm fine. Super. Why don't you go get into wardrobe, and we'll get started right away.

Orbison, who am I fucking in this scene?

Uh, you'll be fucking Jeff and probably Ben.

Have you met our new Orgazmo? No.

Hi, how do you do? Hi, are we fucking?

No. You'll be fucking his stunt cock.

And I'm not doing any ass-licking today. I told you that, right?

Yes, yes. No ass-licking. Okay.

I'm not an ass-licker. Give 'em an inch, they take a mile.

[No Audible Dialogue]

Oh, what was I thinking?

There you are. Get in here. Come on. Just get in here and put this on.

Put it on. Just put it on now. Uh, okay. Can I...

Oh. So you must be the new Orgazmo.

No, I... Maybe. My name's Joe.

Ben Chapleski. I play Choda Boy.

What's a Choda Boy? I'm your sidekick.

My sidekick? I have a sidekick? Yeah.

What do... [Yells]

Uh, I didn't know I had a sidekick. Didn't they even tell you the plot?

No, they just said I'm a superhero.

Right. You're Orgazmo.

And you fight crime with your Orgazmorator.

And I'm your sidekick, and I help you out with my specially designed sex toys.

Oh.

I don't think I've seen you before. Are you new in this business?

Oh, yeah. This is my first time. I'm actually a normal person.

Hey, we're all normal people, man.

Hell, I got Ph.D.'s in physics and engineering from M.I.T.

M.I.T.? In Boston?

No, it's in Cambridge, actually.

But if you have two Ph.D.'s, why do you do these kind of movies?

See you on set, Choda Boy.

That's why.

See, I have what's called an overactive sex drive.

Hey, just between you and me, I don't get a whole lot of action from women.

They don't seem to take me very seriously. You don't say.

Yeah, but I get plenty of action here. And I love every minute of it.

But if you're such a scientific genius, don't you think Heavenly Father has something... more important planned for your life? Who?

You. What?

[Grunts] Yeah.

Stand back, Jizzmaster Zero!

You look good, man.

Let's make some porno.

Hey, man, you need to shave your balls? What? Why would I do that?

All male actors shave their balls, Joe.

Makes the old Johnson look bigger.

Give it a shot.

No, I'm not... I'm using a stunt thing.

Oh, kid. You look fucking "fabeau"! I see you met Choda Boy.

Yes. Hey, that's not the only thing that changed.

I really beefed this script up.

Come on, people. Let's get shooting! Mr. Orbison.

Yeah? You're not gonna put my name anywhere on this movie are you?

Oh, no, kid. You'll get a stage name. Oh, good.

Everybody does. Now, let's see. Joe Young, right? Right.

Young, Young, tongue, bung, hung. Hung!

Tom Hung. It's perfect. You like that? No.

Okay, people. Let's go. Come on. Set this up for me.

Okay, this is what we're doing.

One: Uh, Candi, Saffi and Jizzmaster Zero are getting busy on the bed.

How busy? Both of you are doing oral on him.

And then two: Orgazmo and Choda Boy break through the wall.

Three: They fight with Jizzmaster Zero and his henchmen.

And four: You all fuck like nasty pigs. Got it?

Nasty pigs. Got it.

Whoa, whoa. Mr. Orbison, you said I wouldn't have to have sex, remember?

You said we'd use a stunt... stunt...

Cock, a stunt cock.

Yes, you get a stunt cock, but only for penetration.

Penetration? Who's gonna be penetrated?

Penetration is when the penis enters an orifice, Joe.

Penetration you don't do, but you do have to get nasty with the ladies. That's the deal.

Okay, people. Let's go.

Lights on. Lights are on and stable, Captain.

Whoo-hoo! Let's see some fuckin' action!

Dave, calm down. Yeah? Right. Sorry.

All right. You give me some nice close-ups.

And you give me a nice, slow zoom... starting with a medium close-up on the cock.

And then widening out to an establishing shot.

Genius.

Roll cameras.

And we're sucking.

Good, we're sucking.

Oh, my gosh, I don't know if I can go through with this.

Sure you can, just do what I do.

That's some hot shit right there. Check that out, man. Good.

We're sucking. We're sucking.

Yeah, suck that cock! Damn it, Dave!

Keep your mouth shut!

Sorry, sorry, dude. Got a little excited.

Cue Orgazmo and Choda Boy.

[Women] Orgazmo! And Choda Boy!

You can't defeat me, Orgazmo!

[Woman] Yeah, really.

Oh, yeah. You can't defeat me, Orgazmo!

That's your line, Hung. Hey!

That's your line, Hung! [Whispering, Indistinct]

Yeah, yeah, I can too. I'll use my Orgazmorator.

No, not that! That feels good! Ow!

Nice shot!

They've hurt our evil boss, Jizzmaster Zero.

Now you're gonna get some.

Need a hand?

That's handy work. Now lock 'em up, Choda Boy.

Are you okay, ladies? We're fine thanks to you, Orgazmo!

And Choda Boy. Now it's time for us to repay you.

Yeah, come on, boys. Let's get it on.

Kiss her.

Not like that.

This is supposed to be erotic. Use your tongue, for Christ's sake.

How would Christ benefit from me putting my tongue in someone's mouth?

Do you want your money or not, Hung?

[Orbison] And cut. Stunt cock.

Stunt cock! [Man] Stunt cock!

Hey, how you doin'?

Hey, how you doin'?

Hey, how you doin'?

I can't believe I'm doing this.

Hey, you know, you did a good job in there, man.

Thank you. Did you ever see that movie Clash of the Titans?

Oh, with the Greek mythology and stuff? Yeah, yeah, I saw that.

I don't wanna sound like a queer or nothin', but I think unicorns are kick-ass.

What's that?

Oh, this is the Book of Mormon. It's another testament of Jesus Christ.

Oh, is it any good? [Bell Dings]

Okay, people. Let's go.

[Orbison] Action.

Oh, whoopee!

"For the time is at hand that all men shall reap a reward of their works."

See, when the Mormons arrived in Missouri, they needed to find jobs, but no one would hire them.

They should've done double anal. Excuse me?

You get to be my age, you gotta do double anal or no one will hire you.

Right. Uh, see, people wouldn't hire the Mormons because of their beliefs. Now...

I'm the only one in town... who'll do double anal and double vaginal at the same time.

You know, D.V.D.A. Well, it's how I still manage to get work.

I see. Uh, I don't think you quite understand what I'm...

I don't understand?

Hey, look, pal. You try having four dicks in you at one time. No, thank you.

[Man] Hey, lady! We're ready for the D.V.D.A. shot! Nice talkin' to ya, kid.

Okay, let's do it.

Come on, boys, grease 'em up. Oh, another day, another dollar.

And action.

[Actors Groaning, Moaning]

[Woman] Okay, we're rollin'. How's it going, ace?

Whoa, D.V.D.A. shot, huh?

I think I'm gonna be sick. Yeah, she's great.

[Groaning, Moaning Continues] Hey, you wanna get some sushi tonight?

[Retching]

## [Hip-Hop] # No remorse on a collision course with death #

# Buckin 'em till I'm out of breath ##

## [Continues] So what did you think of your first day of porno, Joe?

Joe?

I'm a bad, bad Mormon.

Yo, yo, yo. What's up, homies?

How's it goin', G-Fresh? Oh, just kickin' it. You know what I'm saying, G?

Oh, yeah. G-Fresh in the motherfucking house.

Hey, G-Fresh, I want you to meet Orgazmo here.

I'm not Orgazmo!

I don't want anyone to know.

My name is Joe, Joe Young. How do you do?

Oh, just kickin' it! The dope rhymes on the smoothed out R & B tips. You know what I'm sayin'?

No.

How you doin', G-Fresh? You! Get your punk asses out of my sushi bar!

Oh, we'll get our punk asses out of your fish bar... just as soon as you sign this little piece of paper.

I told you I ain't gonna sign.

I ain't gonna givin' up my place.

Who are these guys?

These are the G's I been telling you about from next door.

They are trying to buy out my restaurant... so they can make their dance club bigger.

But homie don't play that!

Why don't you guys get lost, huh? Keep your mouth shut, Tiny Tim!

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. I think we all need to calm down a little bit here.

Oh, gee. That man's right.

We're real sorry. We'll leave Mr. Fresh alone.

Oh, yeah. Please excuse the mix-up, please.

[Yells] Wow!

[Yelling] Wow!

Whoa! Oops.

Ooh! [Woman] Oh, God.

# Geometry, things that are ## Oh!

You better make up your mind real quick, Fresh, 'cause our boss isn't gonna give you such a good deal next time.

Shouldn't we call the police or something? [Laughing]

Joe, the police can't help.

Geez, where are you from, Iowa or something?

No, Utah. Oh, I'm sorry.

## [Resumes Singing, Indistinct]

Oh, yeah!

Oh, so good.

It's so good.

Oh, do you like it? Do you like it?

Ring the bell! Ring the bell!

Ding dong! Ding, ding, dong, ding, ding!

You...

Line? You guys got me so horny.

Oh, yeah. You guys got me so horny!

Come on, Hung. You gotta at least look like you're enjoying this.

Rub her breasts or something.

Come on. Come on, Hung. Do I have to?

Don't worry, dude. They're not real.

Yeah, there you go, buddy. Get some.

We're onto you, Orgazmo. Yeah, your days of "superhero-dom" are over.

Not so fast, guys. My Orgazmorator should take care of you.

Your turn, Choda Boy. Right!

My blue "harpoontang" should do the trick.

Looks like they're all tied up at the moment.

[Indistinct]

That was too easy.

Great job, guys.

Now, how about we get really nasty?

[Screams] [Orbison] Cut!

[Dave] Oh, dude, she's dead! [Orbison] Damn it!

[Ben] I'm glad you could come over for dinner, Joe.

I'm really excited to show you my laboratory where I design things.

I think you might find one thing in particular very interesting.

Did you say something?

Nah, I was just thinking. Come on in.

Goodness, gee. Is this all yours?

Yeah, bought and paid for.

It's all the patents I have.

See, when I'm not doing the flicks, I invent stuff.

And I get some serious cash for it. What's this here?

I guess I never told you.

Told me what?

[Sighs] See, when I was a kid, I learned a lot of different kung fu styles.

And one of the styles was hamster.

Hamster? I don't think I've seen you do hamster.

No.

No, I vowed to my father I would never use hamster style again.

Why? What happened?

I don't like to talk about it.

Well, maybe it would help you to talk about it. You know, get it out.

I don't know if I can.

Well, what are you running from, man?

I don't know.

I guess maybe I'm just running from myself.

I mean, it happened several years ago, but I can remember it like it was just yesterday.

Hey, Dad. Mm-hmm.

I don't think I'm gonna do hamster style anymore.

That's nice.

[Sobs]

And that's the way it went down, man.

Shit.

I can still smell that newspaper.

[Sniffles]

Hey, you know, it does... it does feel better to get it out.

[Sighs]

Come on. I wanna show you something.

By the time I finally got this old mama to work, it had a lot of parts.

The sucker got pretty heavy.

I can barely even lift it now. What is it?

It's the Orgazmorator. I've made it work.

Golly, it's huge. Yeah.

I could probably make a more compact version, but then I'd have to use cold fusion... instead of the fission device that's inside of it now.

But then if I could figure out cold fusion, I'd be a millionaire. [Laughing]

[Both Laughing]

Want to give it a shot? How?

Here. Here.

Stick our arm in this thing here.

Grab ahold of the handle, and it should power up.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Calm down, dude.

Calm down. It's okay. It's just powering up. It's okay. [Beeping]

You can actually hold that thing, huh?

It's not that heavy.

That is sweet. So now what?

So now, I mean, it's... You know, I mean, It's like a gun.

I mean, you feel that little trigger on the handle there?

This one? [Gasps]

Oh, my gosh! Are you okay?

Whoo!

Whoo! Thanks, man.

Aw, you're puttin' me on. No, I told you it works.

Go ahead, shoot yourself.

No, I couldn't. Go on, give yourself a treat.

Just shoot yourself in the foot or something. I gotta get cleaned off.

Wow! Wow, wow! Wow!

I told you.

I told you it works. Do me again.

This is incredible.

Come on. Do me again.

[Giggles]

Amazing. You made this thing, huh?

Whew. yeah.

[Exhales] Sure beats jerkin' it, huh? Gettin' your arm all tired.

Wow. Heavenly Father has really given you a gift for science.

Yeah, whatever.

Hey, can you walk around with that thing on?

I think so. Why? Wanna go have some fun?

## [Rock]

[No Audible Dialogue]

[Both Moaning]

[Moaning Continues]

## [Continues] [No Audible Dialogue]

## [Continues] [No Audible Dialogue]

## [Continues] [No Audible Dialogue]

## [Continues] [No Audible Dialogue]

Get up against the wall. Spread your legs. Keep your arm up there.

[Gasping, Groaning]

All right, kid. Look. This is the last scene for the day. You okay?

No. Good. This is the scene... where the evil King Erectus whisks you back in time to the Garden of Eden.

The Garden of Eden? Nice, huh? Look at me.

It's just you and T-Rex in this scene, so I'm gonna need a lot of hot action before I bring in your stunt cock, all right?

Go ahead. Lay down.

Wh... Wh... Why do they call her T-Rex?

[Rumbling]

[Male Voice] Hi, fellas. I'm ready to fudge. Oh, my gosh!

You want me on top? No, no! I'll be on top.

You're gonna make me come, or I'm gonna kick your butt.

And action.

Come on! [Yells]

Come on now. Oh, oh, baby.

Oh, you make me so hot now.

Come on. Oh, that's good.

Oh, you make me so hot!

Oh, come on. Fudge me now! Fudge me now!

Come on! Come on!

## [Easy Listening]

## [Continues] [No Audible Dialogue]

## [Continues] [No Audible Dialogue]

## [Continues] [No Audible Dialogue]

Oh, come on, lover. Baby.

Slap that ass. Damn, dude! That's some hot shit right there!

Come on now! Come on!

Hey! Can I get everyone together for a few photos?

Photos? Photos for what? Just some stills for publicity.

You know, I don't wanna sound like a queer or nothin', but I'm really gonna miss you guys when this show's over.

Ben, do you think people will see this video in Utah?

I wouldn't worry about it, dude. So many of these movies get made every month, nobody's even gonna notice.

Say...

Geddy Lee. Who's Geddy Lee?

Geddy Lee, best bass player ever. Come on!

Geddy Lee!


Mr. Orbison. It's Joe Young.

Oh, Hung! Joe Hung. How are you?

I actually hadn't received my money yet and I was wonder...

Of course, Joe. Your money. You know, I was just over at the accounting department, and I think they were putting the checks through the big check processor.

No, I got my mail today, and it's not there.

Those dirty bastards!

Well, I need to get it before I can go home, see?

I'll have that fucking postman for lunch.

You know, I put that thing in the mail three times now, Young!

Okay.

An exclusive look at the story behind the crossover success of the decade.

"Stand back, Jizzmaster Zero." "You can't get me, Orgazmo."

"I'll get you with my Orgazmo ray."

How does a movie about a sex superhero become a box-office smash?

And this year's John Holmes Award goes to...

Tom Hung for Orgazmo.

[Cheering, Applause]

Nuts.

[Chuckling]

Holy shit!

What's the difference between Orgazmo and your previous porn titles like Schindler's Fist?

I really think history will describe Orgazmo better than I possibly could.

[People Chattering, Indistinct]

## [Singing In Spanish]

Hi, Ben! Hey, Georgi.

Goddamn! Did your breasts get bigger?

Yeah, I upgraded.

My doctor says now I have enough silicone in my body to kill a small elephant.

Isn't that cool?

Hey, Orgazmo! I'm not Orgazmo!

The name's Joe, okay? Not Orgazmo.

Man, you should be psyched to be Orgazmo.

Especially today. I mean, look at this party.

Everybody in the business is here today.

I don't know any of these people. I just came to get the rest of my money and go.

[All] Choda Boy!

[Man] Well, my ass is actually shaped like a pear.

Hey, Orgazmo! I'm not Orgazmo, okay? Have you seen Mr. Orbison?

Oh, yeah. I think he's over there someplace or something.

Hey, what do you think of this band? They're fine.

Yeah, I think they kind of sound like Depeche Mode.

You know, I don't wanna sound like a queer or nothin', but I think Depeche Mode is a sweet band. That's nice, Dave.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

# You know my homie got the bitches, and the G folks are chill #

# Got my Jimmie on your tonsils and the rhymes are feelin' ill #

Oh, sorry. We are not open yet.

Oh, that's okay. We're not hungry anyway.

You get out of here! We brought you the contract.

Our boss told us to make you a better offer.

Now, here's the pen. Here's the contract.

Bitch.

You're gonna get popped if you keep riding me!

Oops! Wrong answer, homie.

[Screams]

Hey, Hung. Just the man I wanted to talk to.

I actually just came by to collect the rest of my money. Oh, yeah. Sure, sure, here. Here.

Hey, listen. Joe, that is a lot of money.

But that's nothin' for a man of your talent.

[Grunting, Groaning]

[Chuckles] How do you like that, G?

Oh, you dirty bastard! Come on.

Come on. You better check yourself before you make me wreck yourself.

One, two!

[Yelling]

Oh, that hurts.

You gonna sign the papers? Your mama!

Are you gonna sign the papers? Your mama!

Oh, no, no. Not the glass! I just replaced it!

[Yells] Oh, that hurts so bad!

A sequel? You wanna do a sequel? Shh.

With the success of this thing, how could I not want to make a sequel?

Look, Joe. I know how crucial you are to Orgazmo's popularity.

That's why I'm doubling your salary.

Forty thousand dollars.

Oh, boy.

Whoa!

Come on. Sign the paper!

Okay, okay. I'll sign it.

Hey, I knew you'd see it our way. Sign it!

## [Ends]

Thank you, Los Naked Mariachi.

People, I have a very important announcement to make.

In three days, we will begin principle photography on Orgazmo 2.

[Cheering]

[Ringing]

Hello? Hi, honey!

Oh, Lisa. Oh, hi.

How are you? Oh, I'm... I'm fine.

Uh, oh, I have some news. Good or bad?

Well, good and bad, I guess.

Uh, they want me to do a sequel.

A sequel? Yeah.

To Death of a Salesman?

Wait, doesn't he die at the end of the first one?

Uh, yes. Yes, he does.

But he has a twin brother who wants revenge now.

Revenge?

But he killed himself, didn't he?

No, no.

That's just what you were lead to believe.

He was killed by the C.I. A... for selling smack to Nazis.

[Chuckling] Wow!

All this time I thought Death of a Salesman was boring.

But, Lisa, they're giving me $40,000 this time.

[Screaming]

Oh, you're the best, Joe!

Oh, poopy, $40,000. We could almost buy a house.

I know, and that's why I agreed to do it.

Oh... [Horn Honks]

I have to go, Joe. Daddy's here to pick me up...

For choir practice, I know.

Uh, I'll call you tomorrow, okay?

Okay. Jesus and I love you, Joe.

Jesus and I love you too, cupcake.

Bye-bye.

Hey, you're Orgazmo, aren't you? No! I mean, yes.

My name's Joe. I play a character named Orgazmo. Listen, don't get prancy with me, kiddo!

Hyah!

You're not the bad boy around here anymore.

The name is A-Cup, I play Neutered Man.

Neutered Man? Orgazmo's new archenemy.

Don't you get it? Neutered Man!

He has no balls. Orgazmo's little ray won't work on him.

But Orgazmo beats him, right? How?

Well, Orgazmo would find a way. How?

I don't know. Read the script, duder!

Orgazmo doesn't find a way. Neutered Man escapes.

You know, it's funny.

You look a lot tougher on the screen.

Hyah!

Hyah!

Maybe I'll show you some real moves sometime, asshole.

[Slaps Butt]

Hey, what do you think, ace? I don't like it. It doesn't have the spirit of the first one.

And action!

[Chortling, Groaning]

Now that I have you at the Parthenon, we will sacrifice you to the God of Lust.

[Groans]

You're so evil, Neutered Man.

If Orgazmo was here, he wouldn't let you do this to us.

I'm not afraid of Orgazmo.

Did someone say my name? Orgazmo! Orgazmo!

And Choda Boy!

Oh. Let them go, Neutered Man.

Never. I'll kill you first.

[Imitating Ray Gun]

[Imitating Ray Gun]

[Laughing]

Your little ray has no effect on me, Orgazmo.

Fool!

Why doesn't your Orgazmo ray work on him, Orgazmo?

I don't know, Choda Boy. It's all Greek to me.

[Stifling Chuckle]

Orgazmo, you saved us.

How can we ever repay you?

I have an idea! [Slaps Butt]

Ohh! Oh, yeah!

[Women Sighing]

[Ben Moaning]

Cut. Stunt Cock!

Stunt cock! Stunt cock!

[Slaps]

Oh, Orgazmo! Mmm! Rodgers?

Yeah, boss? Who is that?

Oh, that's Ted, the new stunt-cock guy.

[Women Moaning, Gasping]

And you don't see a problem with this?

Mmm, nope.

All right, fuck it.

Hey, is that a new costume, Joe?

No, I think it's the same one we've always used. Oh.

You know, I don't wanna sound like a queer or nothin', but I think you've got a really nice ass.

Uh, thanks?

Sure, dude.

[Slaps]

[Cymbals Chime]

What the hell? G-Fresh, what happened to you, man?

How'd you get that scratch? Oh, I'm sorry, G. I'm closing down.

I have to be out in two weeks. What? Why?

Oh, the punks from next door got me to agree.

You signed the papers? Oh, they came in the other day... and just whupped my sorry black ass.

Oh! Did you call the police?

I make you guys last sushi for half price. [Japanese]

[Ben] Um, just give me tuna, salmon, shrimp.

## [G-Fresh Singing In Japanese] We've got to help him, Joe.

Oh, right. What are we gonna do against a gang of thugs?

Well, look, you and I are both great martial artists, right?

I mean, we're pretty good. And I'm willing to bet that between the two of us, we can take these guys.

Those guys probably have guns, Ben. Martial arts don't stop guns.

[Japanese]

[Japanese, Crying]

Jesus! Where?

Joe, I just got the most amazing idea ever.

The Orgazmorator, Joe... You can use the Orgazmorator as a weapon.

You can stun anybody who has a gun, take 'em outta commission, and then we kick their asses.

Are you nuts? That... That won't work. Why not?

Well, even if we succeeded, those guys would come after us eventually.

We can use disguises. We can cover ourselves up so nobody can recognize us.

That won't work. Why not?

Because it won't, gosh-darn it! [Sobbing]

[Continues In Japanese]

I'll tell ya somethin', Joe.

There's nothing sadder... than a sad Japanese man.

Boy, I'll say.

[Woman, Japanese] So, what do you say, pal?

We can wear disguises?

## [Rock, Men Singing In German]

We look ridiculous.

Come on. Hey, listen, it's the way people in this club dress, all right?

We gotta fit in. Put this shit on.

All right, so what's the plan? Why you asking me?

Okay. We go in the front door, uh, walk to the back, grab the contracts, and if one of the thugs tries to stop us, we fuck his shit up!

That's a great plan, Ben. Really well thought out.

Let's kick some ass, baby!

## [Continues]

[Women Chattering]

## [Techno]

Head to the back!

Come on, Joe. Up the stairs!

Ah, it's locked. Too bad. Don't worry.

I got the slim Johnson.

Ha-ha! What the fuck is this?

You have a contract signed by G-Fresh. We want it back!

You gotta be fucking kidding me, right? [Laughs] [Laughs]

Jimmy, kick their ass. You kick their asses.

Jimmy, kick their asses. I'm tired of kickin' everybody's ass. I'm not kickin' their asses.

Yeah, my heart bleeds for you. Kick their fuckin' asses.

Go. Guppy, play.

Un-zaah!

Come here, you little... whatever you are.

Joe!

[Giddy Moaning]

I'll kill you!


Where's the contract? What contract?

Goddamn it, I'm not gonna ask you again!

All right! All right already! It's over there.

Got it.

I strongly suggest you don't mess with G-Fresh anymore!

You mess with him, we mess with you!

Bye-bye. God bless.

Look out, suckers!

Rocko! Stop them!


[Indistinct Shout]

Curses!

Curses?

Whoo! Yeah! God, that kicked ass, didn't it?

No, it was horrible! What are you talkin' about?

Now, we got in there, we kicked their ass, got the contract and got out!

Fuck, dude, it couldn't be scripted any better than that.

Actually, I take that back. That guy was pointing a gun at me. He could've shot me, Ben.

Man, all I know is the little guys always get stepped on.

Tonight we did some stepping! Well, all I know is I gotta get the heck outta Los Angeles.

Way too much weird stuff goes on here.

Surprise! [Giggles] [Screams]

Aah! Hi, honey! Lisa, what are you doing here?

I couldn't take it anymore. Daddy lent me some money to come out. Isn't that great?

No! I mean... I mean, boy-boy, I'll say.

How long you staying? Until the show's over.

Aah! Aah! I know!

I know. I know, I know, I know. Living together before we're married is strange.

But I figure, heck, the Lord won't be angry as long as I sleep on the couch, right?

Uh... Uh, actually, I don't know, Lis. The, uh... The Lord's kinda tricky when it comes to stuff like that.

Oh! Wait, wait, wait. Hold on, hold on. Uh...

Wow, this is a much nicer apartment than I thought you'd have.

Yeah, I got some new stuff.

Oh, when is your next shoot? I wanna come and watch.

Uh, it's, uh, sold out. I mean, it's a closed set.

Oh, well, I'm sure you can get me in.

I doubt it.

Oh, this place is such a mess. I can't stand for you to see it like this.

What are you talking about? It is spotless.

Joe? Joe, what is the matter?

Aren't you glad see me? Haven't you missed me?

Hmm? You have no idea how much I've missed you, Lis.

Almost forgotten how beautiful you are.

Oh, Joe.

[Giggles, Squeals]

Oh.

Hello. Shut up.

How ya doin', A-Cup? Fuck you.

Hey!

Come here.

Come here.

[Farts] [Laughing]

Now get the fuck outta here. Ohh. [Orbison] Action!

I should have known you'd team up with Neutered Man, Lobstra!

That's right, Choda Boy. And if you don't tell me where Orgazmo is, I'll... screw you to death!

I'd like to see you try!

All right.

Just let me get out of these clothes.

Mmm. Ohh!

[Slaps]

Where you want me? You're not in the shot yet.

Oh. Oh, sorry.

[Georgi] Stop it! Mmm.

[Slaps] Whoo! Stop grabbing my ass!

Come on, baby. Knock it off. We're not rolling!

I'd say we are. Ow!

Hey, hey, leave her alone. Don't you fuckin' tell me what to do!

Just leave her alone. You don't have any right... Kee-yaah!

Who? [Groaning]

Oh, yeah? You want some? You want some more?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

A-Cup, look what you did here!

They're supposed to work in the next scene.

I'm sorry, Uncle Orbison. He provoked me.

The both of you two better stop scrappin' or else you'll be sleepin' with the fishes, see?

[Farts] Merry Christmas. Oh!

He totally started it, Mr. Orbison. I... Just get to makeup, Hung.

Are you okay?

Yeah. Thanks for tryin' to help, Joe. You know, he could've really hurt me.

Ow.

Action. Oh, yeah.

Oh, no! Mm, yeah!

Oh, no. Do something, Choda Dog! Mmm!

Oh, quickly, Choda Dog, bite through these ropes!

[TV: Indistinct]

[Man On TV] No, I gotta take a piss.

[Ben] Try nipple accelerator, Orgazmo.

Thanks, Choda Boy. That's just what I need.

Joe? But what has Jizzmaster Zero done with the little, fat, retarded kid from Boise?

[Ben] I don't know. We must find Jizzmaster Zero.

Here they come, Choda Boy! Duck!

Excuse me, what movie is this?

What movie's this? Have you been livin' in a cardboard box, lady?

No, I'm from Utah. Oh, I'm sorry.

Joe, Joe, these are two of the hottest porn stars in Japan...

Natsuko and Haruko.

[Together] Hi! How do you do?

Now, Natsuko, you go sit over here, right on the bed. Very good.

And, Haruko, you sit right here, darling.

Now, when we roll cameras, Natsuko, you say, "There is no escaping us, Orgazmo."

There is no escaping us, Orgazmo.

Good. And, Haruko, you say, "Prepare to meet your doom!"

Prepare da meet... so dung.

Good. Close enough. Joe, you say, "I'll find a way to break free, Ass-Fuck Twins!"

I'll find a way to brea...

Oh, uh, I-I can't say that. Say what?

What are they called? The Ass-Fuck Twins.

I... I can't say that. Can we call 'em something else? But they're the Ass-Fuck Twins.

Well, I know, but, um, couldn't I call them the Naughty Twins or something?

No, you couldn't just call them the Naughty Twins. They're the Ass-Fuck Twins.

Why would you call them the Naughty Twins when they get fucked in the ass all the time?

Well, that's pretty naughty.

Look, Hung. I've been pretty patient with you, but it's wearing thin.

Now, my need to kiss your ass is over!

So you better shape up, kiddo.

[Shouting] Understood? Yes, sir.

Okay. Let's shoot this.

Roll camera.

And action!

Hmm.

There is no escaping us, Orgazmo.

Prepare da me your doo.

I'll find a way to break free, A... [Quickly] Ass-Fuck Twins.

Get away from him, Ass-Fuck Twins! [Together] Chodi Bo!

That's right!

Let's see how you like my cock rocket!

Hmm. [Shouts] Cock rocket!

[Crackling, Whistling]

[Crashing] [Cat Screeches]

[Women Laughing]

Cut, cut, cut! Goddamn it, cut!

You call that an explosion, Chapleski?

I told you to make it bigger!

All right, mellow out. I'll make it bigger.

Jesus. Where?

The both of you two assholes get off of my set!

We'll just shoot the fucking sex.

Bring me my stunt cock.

Stunt cock. Stunt cock.

Hey, how ya doin'?

Just get in there and fuck. But I haven't slapped my ass yet.

Move, fuck boy!

[Grunting]

Yeah. Yeah. Ass-Fuck Twins! Whoo!

[Exhales] Boy, I've never seen Mr. Orbison like that.

Yeah, he's a first-class asshole, that's for sure.

See you tomorrow. Good night.

Oh, hey, Joe. Oh, hi, Dave.

You know, you did a good job in there today, man. Thanks.

Thanks. I don't wanna sound like a queer or nothin', but I'd kinda like to make love to you tonight.

[Smacks Kiss]

[Together] Good-bye, Choda Boy. Good night.

Oh, excuse me. Hey, boss. This guy looks really familiar.

Of course he looks familiar. He's Choda Boy in the film.

Oh, yeah, that's right. Choda Boy. Good stuff.

You work for Orbison? Is there a problem, Chapleski?

No. No, there's no problem. Excuse me.

Hi, cupcake. I'm home.

[Women] Orgazmo! And Choda Boy!

[Joe] I'll use my Orgazmorator. [Imitates Ray Gun]

[Ben] Nice shot! [Sobs]

Uh, how's it going?

Joe, how could you?

Lisa, listen to me. You had your heart so set on being married in the temple, and... and having a nice place to live, and I wanted to have it all for you.

But you had to know that I didn't want this.

I... It all happened so fast, Lis, but...

Fie on you, Satan!

[Sobs]

Lisa, I... I thought nobody would never know. I-I had no idea it would get this popular.

How could you have sex with all of those women?

I didn't have sex with 'em. It was a stunt cock.

A stunt... cock?

Yeah.

So... So you aren't actually touching those women's... breasts?

Oh, no. That's all just special effects.

Really? No.

Lisa, I love you.

And-And I did this all for you and for-for us.

Is this what you think Heavenly Father has intended for you?

I don't know, Lisa. All I know is that I'm finally good at something.

You have to quit, Joe.

You have to quit right now and get back to Utah.

I can't quit, Lisa. We're still shooting.

But... But what about me?

Lisa, It's two more days; two more days of shooting and then we'll have all the money we need.

I don't want the money if this is how you have to earn it!

Well, I don't know how else I can earn it! Joe, it is wrong!

Would you just stop hollerin' at me? Criminy!

I guess we don't have anything else to say.

I don't know what's happened to you, Joe.

But [Sniffles] I hope you're happy in the life you've chosen.

Don't quote Dickens in my apartment!

[Sobbing, Squeaking]

That's right. It's my house!

[T-Rex] Ooh, come on now.

Come on baby. Ohh, ohh, yeah!

Shake that ass now! Come on. Come on. Move that ass, baby.

Ooh, oh, yeah!

Oh, that's a baby now. Lisa!

Ohh, you feel so good inside, baby. Lisa!

Come on. Who's your little flower now? Lisa.

[Shouts] Lisa! Who's your little flower now?

That's right, baby. Come on. Give it to Mama now!

Give it to Mama. Come on! Aw, heck!

What's your name again? I am Sancho.

Look, I get a lot of people auditioning all the time.

What makes you think you'd be good at porno? I am Sancho.

That's great, but what do you do?

What do I do? I am Sancho.

And? And there are many Jeffs in the world... and many Toms as well.

But I... am Sancho.

And? Are you Sancho?

No, you are not Sancho.

Neither is Scott Baio Sancho. Frank Gifford, he's not Sancho.

But I... You are Sancho!

That's right. Okay, you're hired.

Of course. You get a hundred bucks a scene.

We're shooting one tonight. It's on the volcano set with the Ass-Fuck Twins.

[Intercom Beeps, Clicks]

Yeah? [Man] Boss, Joe Young's here to see you. He says it's very important.

Goddamn it. Send him in. [Beeps, Clicks]

What do you want, Hung? I'm very, very busy.

Well, Mr. Orbison, I just came by to tell you that...

I have to quit. Oh, my God, it's Orgazmo!

I'm not Orgazmo! I am Sancho.

You see, Mr. Orbison, my-my fiancée came in from out of town, and everything just...

Well, dang it, I just have to get back to Utah and marry her!

Get outta here. I'll see you on set tomorrow.

No, I'm serious. I...

I appreciate everything you've done for me, but I have to say no.

My contract does state that I can leave whenever I want.

Wait a minute, kid. You're forgetting something.

What? That contracts don't mean shit to me!

Now, you're gonna finish this film, and then do you know what you're gonna do?

No. You're gonna do Orgazmo 3, Orgazmo 4, Orgazmo 5, Orgazmo Twenty-fucking-seven if I want you to!

And do you know why? No.

Because I'm Maxxx Orbison, and I get what I want!

Now... Now, hold on a minute, Mr. Orbison. I said I don't wanna do it.

And you don't... you don't own me. You wanna bet I don't, punk?

Now, I'm warning you, kid: Don't fuck with me!

Now, you go home and you tell your little fiancée that the wedding is off, and you have your ass back here tomorrow a. m!

Or else you'll be sleeping with the fishes. See?

[Clicks, Beeps] Send in the next audition.

You know, I have had enough of your poop, Mr. Orbison.

Find yourself another Orgazmo!

I'm warnin' you, Hung!

Good-bye!

Not so fast, happy pants.

Fss-sss-aaa-aah! [Orbison] No. No.

It's his decision. Let him go.

Hm!

You should've let me whup his ass, Uncle Orbison!

No, we don't need him all messed up for the shoot tomorrow.

There's another way.

[Sniffling]

[Bags Hit Ground]

Joe?

Joe, it's me.

Joe, come on. Can we please just talk about this some more?

Joe. Hi, Ben.

Man, I just tried callin' you. I've got some big news. No, no, no. I've got big news too.

I just quit. What?

I'm goin' back to Utah to be a normal Mormon again. I just came to say good-bye.

I found out who's been beating up G-Fresh. It's Orbison.

Those thugs work for him, Joe.

Orbison. Wow. Boy, that guy just thinks he owns the world, doesn't he?

Yeah, he does. And that's why you and I need to do somethin'.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Look, I might have lost the only thing that really matters to me.

I'm not staying in this town another hour!

Hey, you're gonna let Orbison extort money from somebody like G-Fresh?

Listen to me, Joe! You need to... No, no. You... You listen to me, Ben.

I don't know exactly when I lost control of my life, but I want it back!

No, wait a minute. See, now you're doin' what they told ya!

Doggone it, Ben! I'm not a superhero. I'm a Latter-day Saint.

Lisa? [Ringing]

Hello? Joe! Joe, help me!

Lisa, what... Joe!

I told you not to fuck with me, Hung! What have you done with her?

I'm gonna send her away so you don't have to worry about her for a while.

Now, you be on set tomorrow a.m., or else I'm not gonna send her away.

I'm gonna blow her away.

Do you understand what I mean?

You mean, she'll be sleeping with the fishes, see?

That's right. Now, you just finish this film, and we'll see about getting you two lovebirds back together.

Don't hurt her... her. [Dial Tone]

[Receiver Clicks] Oh.

[Fist Thumps] What should we do with her, boss, huh?

We need some collateral.

Twins! Take a break.

Put her on the set.

Joe, what the hell you doin'? He took her, Ben. Orbison took my cupcake!

Oh, shit! I knew it would come to this.

Where's the Orgazmorator? I have to get her back. Hold on. Listen.

Orbison's mansion is like a fortress, Joe. There's no way you can do this by yourself. I know.

That's why I need you. Damn, Joe. I've never seen you like this.

I'm pissed off.

Help me! Help! Will you shut up?

You pig! You're the one responsible for degrading all of those women!

Hey, hey, what about men, huh? He degrades them too.

Yeah, men are equally degraded in pornographic films.

But men are always in a position of power.

The men are the one who want the product so bad. They're the victims!

Well, then it exploits men by exploiting women.

Hence, it exploits people.

Shut up! Yeah!

I do what I do, and I make a lot of money.

And I don't give a shit what I do to people, because they are all idiots! Yeah!

Especially you, Clark, you pig-fucking hunk o' shit!

Yeah! Men like you make the Lord sick!

Jesus is gonna put an end to you.

[Muffled Cries]

If Jesus Christ wants to bring Maxxx Orbison down, he's gonna need a lot of help.

Quick! To the Orgazmobile!

What? My Buick Century.

[Engine Starting]

[Tires Screeching]

[Horn Honking]

## [Car Stereo: Man Singing] # He sent his son to die for me #

# He didn't have to do that ## Man, this shit has got to go!

## [Rock]

You better hope your little boyfriend finishes my film, or else I'm gonna release this instead.

I think we should start with a close-up of my ass!

Welcome to Hollywood. [Laughing]

[Laughter Echoing]

We can't go through the main gate or we'll be spotted. Can you climb the wall with that thing on?

I'll sure as Abraham try. Right.

Come on. Get that camera up! Don't yell at me.

I'm not used to workin' like this. Man, these European videos are kinky!

This'll be cake! Yeah.

[Barking]

Oh, shit! Over the wall! Ow!

Joe! Aah!

Oh.

Oh. Hey.

Oh. Ah! Bad dog.

Huh. I didn't know it worked on animals. Bad, bad...

Ben, could... could you give me a hand here, Ben?

Bad dog. Shoo!

That's a bad dog. Oh! Dude, that's fucked up.

Okay, I'm ready. Finally!

Okay, people, let's do this. Roll camera.

[Laughing]

[Laughing Weakly]

Drop him. Right.

Hey! This is private property.

Where's the woman you kidnapped? Hung?

[Both Laughing]

Hung, is that you? Don't you think you're taking this role a little bit too seriously?

Where's my fiancée, butt lord? Let's just say your fiancée is getting an education in the industry.

Yeah, she's gonna be a star, just like you.

Why, you dirty so-and-so!

I've been waiting for this!

Son of a bitch!

Need a hand?

[Muffled Cries, Speech] Excuse me?

Fuck off! You dirty girl! Oh, I can do that.

Na-tooki!

John Quang Doe. Huh?


[Belches] No problem.

Ha-ha-ha! You twerp!

Now I got ya!

Sayonara.

Oh, shit!

Who are you? I am Sancho.

[Pleasurable Moaning]

[Speaking Spanish]

Shit, dude.

[Lisa, Muffled] Get off of me, you stupid...

Ow! Get off of me! Oww!

Ow! Off me! Boss! We got a problem. He's here!

Who's here? Orgazmo! The real Orgazmo!

There is no real Orgazmo, you dipshit.

Aa-aa-aah!

Let the woman go right now! Who the hell are you?

I said, let her go!

Get this fuck!

[Karate Yells]

Show me what you got! Come right here! Come...

Catch.

Oh, yeah? Think you can use some of that pussy shit on me, man?

Get up now! I'm gonna whup your ass!

Then I'm gonna boink your girlfriend.

Lisa!

[Bones Cracking]

Joe! Now it's your turn, shorty.

[Guttural Laughing]

[Farts] [Blows]

[Gagging] Oh, you son of a bitch! Aah!

Whoo!

Come on, shit bird.

Come on. [Grunting]

Ben! Use your hamster style.

No, I can't!

Hamster style, Ben! Do it!

No!

[Laughing]

Hey, Dad. I don't think I'm gonna do hamster style anymore.

That's nice. Huuh!

That's nice. That's nice.

That's nice. [Screaming]

[Snarls]

[Hisses] ## [Speed Metal, Indistinct]

[Screaming]

## [Ends] You're an asshole.

[Grunts] [Farts]

Easy shot.

[Bleating]

Huh?

Oh, shit! We're out of battery power! What?

Ho-ho! It looks like you're up fucked river now, eh, kiddo?

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah! One more step and I'll slice her.

Joe! Did you think you could beat me, you cocky prick?

Did you really think that a stupid little twerp like you... could stop Maxxx Orbison?

You've done a lot of fucking damage here, pal.

And you're gonna pay me back every cent of it! Please, Mr. Orbison, don't hurt her.

I told you not to fuck with me! What did I say?

That I'd be sleeping with the fishes, see?

[Orbison] That's right. I own this town!

I'm the mayor, I'm the governor, I'm the police and the crime!

And who the hell are you to change that?

[Crackling] Got it!

I'm Orgazmo.

Wha... Hmm?

[Orgazmorator Zaps]

Enough! He's never gonna want to have an orgasm again.

One more for Jesus.

Looks like he's sleeping with the fishes. See?

Lisa, are you okay? Did he hurt you?

What? Oh, I'm sorry. Here. [Screaming] Oww!

[Screaming Continues]

Oh, Lisa, I'm sorry. What were you trying to say?

Don't pull the tape off my mouth. Oh.

Oh, Joe, I was so scared. Oh, I know, Lis. I'm sorry. This is all my fault.

I... You were right and I was wrong, and... Oh, look, Joe, Joe.

It's okay. [Clearing Throat]

Oh, Lisa, this is... this is Choda Boy. I-I mean, Ben. Hello.

Ma'am. Oh, uh, Joe...

I'll explain later, Lis. Right.

Just one more thing, Orby. I did what you asked me. Huh?

[Shouting] Cock rocket!

[Victorious Yell, Laughing]

Burn, man, burn!

Wow, that's a heck of a cock rocket, Ben.

Mark my words... I'll get you for this!

This has really been a learning experience for me.

Yeah, I've learned a lot about myself tonight.

Ben, I'm... sorry you had to use your hamster style.

No, it's okay.

In fact, I think it's a good thing.

All these years, I don't know what I've been running from.

Maybe I've been runnin' from my... From yourself. Right.

[Distant Siren Wailing] Right.

Come on, Joe. Let's get out of here.

We don't want to have to explain this to the cops. You're right.

I think we've done enough damage to this little operation anyway. Farewell, evildoers.

Whoa! Bummer, dude. What happened here?

Some superhero destroyed the house.

Oh. My name's Dave.

I am Sancho.

I don't mean to sound like a queer or nothing, but I think fire is very romantic.

This is the last of the bedroom stuff. Oh, great.

[Horn Honking]

Hey, kids. Hi, Choda Boy.

All ready to leave, huh?

Yeah, I, uh...

I guess so. [Sighs] So, I... guess there's no more...

Orgazmo and Choda Boy.

No, I... I don't think so.

So, maybe someday I could come to Utah.

It was... It was really good meeting you, really good.

Yeah. There was a lot of good stuff goin' on.

Whole lot of good stuff. Good stuff.

Good, good stuff. Yeah.

Kind of stuff that... makes you feel good. It's good.

Yeah, Joe. [Sobs] Oh, Joe!

[Lisa] I can't let you do this. Oh, God!

Joe, this really is crazy, but I think you might have been right.

What? Oh, Joe, it is so hard to know... what Heavenly Father wants from us or what he has in mind.

This whole thing is just too gosh-darn wacky to be coinky-dink!

Maybe this is what Heavenly Father has intended for you.

[Laughs] Oh, Lisa.

Oh, Joe! [Laughing]

Whoa! They're goin' crazy!

Ohh, ho-ho-ho!

Ben, L.A. needs us.

The world needs us. Heck, I think the whole universe needs us!

You mean, you're gonna stay? I think you guys need to clean up Los Angeles.

Well, there's nothin' that can stop us! Well, crime fighting will have a new name!

From now on, if someone wants to turn to a life of crime, they'll have to answer to Orgazmo.

And Choda Boy! Oh! This is so wonderful! Let's pray.

Oh, boy, look at the time. Now, Choda Boy, superheroes that pray together stay together.

Ah, what the fuck.

Heavenly Father, may we serve you in the best way we know how.

May our decisions be rash, may we do what's right, and God bless us.

God bless us, every one!

Oh! Oh!

Ah! Hey, hey, hey!

Ahh!

Choda Boy!

Oh, well, Doc, how bad is it?

Isn't good, Mr. Orbison. There's a problem... with your little guy.

What's wrong with my little guy?

Well, I'm afraid your testicles have swollen to the size of Florida oranges.

Don't you think I noticed that! [Groans]

Tell me somethin' I don't know, you cocky prick!

We're gonna have to amputate your pee-pee.

[Laughing]

I've got you now, Joe Young!

Soon you'll be meeting up with...

Neutered Man! [Laughs, Groans]

## [Rock]

# Hey #

# What makes a man Is it the power in his hands #

# Is it his quest for glory #

# Give it all you got to to fight to the top #

# So we can know your story #

# Now you're a man # # A man #

# A man, man, man #

# Now you're a man a manny, manny, man # # A man #

# A man, man, man # # A man #

# You are now a man You're a man #

# Now you're a man #

# Live it, live it #

# What makes a man Is it the woman in his arms #

# Just 'cause she has big titties #

# Or is it the way he fights everyday #

# No, it's probably the titties #

# Now you're a male a male, male, male # # A man #

# Now you're a ma-male # # A man #

# A ma-male, ma-male, male Now you're a male #

# A man # # M-A-N, man, man #

# Ma-Man, man #

# Now you're a man ##


## [Angelical]

# Onward, Latter-day soldier #

# Spread the word of Christ #

# And Heavenly Father's vision #

# Of everybody being really nice #

# He sent his son to die for me #

# He didn't have to do that #

# Onward, Latter-day soldier #

# Spread the word #