Overboard (2018) Script


A nurse should monitor for which side effect of antiplatelet medication?

A, drop in blood pressure. B, hot flashes.

C, bloody stools. D, blurred vision.

Blood pressure.

C, bloody stools.

Antiplatelet, bloody stools.

? Antiplatelet, bloody stools

? Bloody stools, bloody stools

? Antiplatelet, bloody stools Oh, the doo-dah day

? Oh, the doo-dah day Oh, the doo-dah day

? Antiplatelet, bloody stools ?

Watch some sports like real men.

This has 10 times the emotion of your football.

It's ridiculous.

Hey. Sorry, some surfer gave me wet money.

Well, here are your deliveries.

Oh, and I would save 650 Cypress for last.

Canadian bacon and pineapple? No. Ew.

Hey, he's cute, and you might have fun.

I don't have time for fun.

Well, then you're doing it wrong.

Add it to the list.

It's not ridiculous.

These stories come from real life.

Crazy things happen all the time.

Come on, back me up on this.

I don't watch this shit.

I don't even hear it. It's like working at my abuela's.

If you're gonna trash me in front of the gringos, do it in Spanish.

Yeah, none of them speak Spanish.

Huh.

Bye...

Ladies.

When suctioning mucus from a patient's lung, which action completes the procedure...

Hey, girls, come on, let's go!

Hey, Mom! Hi, Mom!

Move! We gotta go!

Really, Mom? The sign?

Be embarrassed in the car, okay?

I've got eight minutes to get these pizzas across town.

Move!

How was school?

Fine. Oh, don't tip 'em.

Change of plans, sir.

We're just having some minor mechanical issues.

We'll dock at the nearest harbor for some repairs and I'll arrange to have the carpets professionally cleaned.

Don't need to know how the sausage is made, Colin!

Absolutely right, sir.

Why won't he answer?

I'm sure he's on that floating orgy.

I need him here.

Easy, Papi, you'll get better.

You don't know that!

Neither does he!

And he's the idiot who cut out my gallbladder... and gave me this mystery infection.

I need Leonardo in Mexico City.

I made my decision.

I'm handing Montenegro Industries over to him.

That's absurd!

He's not capable of running a multi-national corporation.

He'll rise to the occasion.

Like I did when I had to... that summer in 1961...

Here it comes... Vienna.

I met the love of my life... in Vienna.

But Mom said you met in Barcelona.

Yeah, I met her there.

But in Vienna, I met this dancer--

Papa. Papa. Mmm-hmm.

Listen to me.

I'm the one with the experience.

Magda, now's not the time.

I'm just saying... he should leave the company to someone who actually works there.

And me?

What?

Why do you always belittle my work with our chritable division?

Of course!

Because of you a bunch of poor kids can play violin.

The world's a better place.

You mock me, but classical music saved my life!

Anti-depressants saved your life!

It's not a violin, it's a cello! -Stop it, you two!

I made my decision.

...it's a cello.

Find your brother and bring him home before this butcher kills me.

God, unbelievable!

Papi, you're going to-- Leave me be!

When swabbing fecal matter, a nurse should take which of the following precautions?

Bye, Mom! See ya, Mom!

All right, listen to your grandma, okay?

Hi, Grandma!

And, hey, I want you to take a bath, Olivia!

Use soap. Okay.

You're not gonna believe this.

Remember how I sang that song from Les Mis at the Saint James talent show and everyone said I was amazing?

Okay, Mom, can you just type this up in an e-mail, because I'm gonna be late for my other job.

Turns out, a producer from the Eugene Senior Theater touring company was there.

He had tears.

Anyway, one of their leads fell in the shower, and they want me to step in.

What? When is this all supposed to be happening?

I'm leaving tonight. They're already in tech.

No! Mom, my nursing exam is in less than a month and you agreed to help.

I'm 72. If I don't follow my dreams now, when will I?

Never, Mom!

The whole reason we moved here is so I could study more.

I already failed the exam once.

No, don't guilt me.

You're not the only one with a dead husband.

Dad's not dead, you're divorced!

Oh, and I'm gonna need you to take care of Fiona.

The kennel won't take her. She has crate anxiety.

You can't possibly be this selfish.

I'm sorry, honey, but the theater is calling me.

Oh! Literally. They need my dress size.

Hi, there. Normally a zero, but a two if I'm bloated.

Good night.

Hey, don't stay up too late.


Oh, God.

Holy crap.

Here we are. I'll be around if you need me.

Guess where I am?

Some dude's yacht.

You little tramp.

I'm cleaning the carpets. Oh.

Oh, my God. Theresa, look at this bathroom.

God, I could live in here!

Oh.

And they have candy. Who has candy in the bathroom?

That's not candy.

Yeah, because nobody has candy in the bathroom.

Oh, God. Because it's a bathroom!

Okay, come on, show me more. Wait, wait, wait.

Is that the guy? Is he married? He's cute.

And that's not even a very good picture.

Hello, Theresa!

Oh, God. Hi!

By the way, she's single, and horny.

Yeah, I'm so sorry.

I'll get out of here.

No, no, no. I should get up. Busy day.

I've got a lot of... Whew!

Really nothing to do.

Colin, I'm ready for my Bloody Mary. Yeah.

Mostly Mary. Yeah.

Well, now you know.

I'm a grown man with a tattoo on his butt.

Is that Speedy Gonzales?

Do you know another cartoon mouse with a sombrero?

I hate the pussycat.

Let me guess, you were, uh, a little tipsy when you got that?

Not at all.

I love Speedy. He's fast, he's charming.

He's Mexican.

He outsmarts the pussycat and brings delicious cheese to his people.

And he's just fun to look at.

My name is Leonardo.

Kate. Sullivan.

You're very attractive for a carpet cleaning lady.

Yeah.

Although you maybe could do something with your hair.

Yeah...

No, well, no, that's not it. It's your face.

Yeah. I mean, it's good.

I wanna like it, it's just...

It's just somehow less than the sum of its parts.

What animal do people say you look like?

Apologies, sir, I thought you were up and about already.

Ah, finally. It's about time.

Um, have Chef Gerard prepare breakfast. Then, fire him.

Of course, but perhaps we could give him a few weeks' notice.

His wife's expecting.

But his food is boring.

Absolutely.

There you are, sleepyhead. Hi.

Well, this is awkward. We're wearing the same thing.

Wanna join us in the jacuzzi?

Yes, my little angel.

Boop! Boop!

Lead the way, girls!

Okay.

Boop! Boop!

Boop!

Oh, try to hurry. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna need the room.

Excuse me, Captain? Yeah.

Checked the engine, you're in luck.

It's just the anti-siphon valve. No problem.

The mechanic agrees with me, dumbass.

I was just telling him that I was right, and that he's a dumbass.

Say, how'd this dude make all his money, anyway?

He didn't.

His family owns the largest building supply company in the world.

Now this is what he does all day.

Chicken fight?

...so we'll fly to Mexico tonight.

No, we'll take the boat.

Papi is dying.

He'll hold on.

He's too stubborn to die quickly.

Listen.

When I'm in charge, will there be a lot of meetings?

Because I've been thinking... of buying a soccer team.

Sounds fun, right?

You are unbelievable.

What?

You're a child!

What?

The company should be mine.

I do all the work.

You can still do all the work.

I'll be the pretty face...

...obviously.

You'll be the brains. It's a win - win.

Why does Papi have these old, macho ideas?

That's not the reason.

Then what?

I think he just... loves me more.

It's true. Don't be upset.

Look -- I love you. I love you a lot.

But... you can be unpleasant.

I want to shoot myself.

Even you can't stand yourself.

I wish you were never born.

You need to relax.

I'm calling my masseuse.

God, help me.

Deep tissue or hot rocks?

I want nothing -- shut up!

Four hands?

All right. Here's my info.

If you're ever in Norway, look me up.

The summers are insane.

That's happening, Oddvar. That's definitely happening.

Hi. Excuse me, I was told to clean in there.

Something about a glitter bomb?

Is that gonna disturb you?

No, not at all.

Hmm. I'm craving something. What is it?

Excuse me, are you talking to me?

Sweet, but not too sweet. Hmm.

Is it mango? I'm pretty sure it's mango.

No. No, wait, wait. It's papaya.

Is it papaya?

I would have no way of knowing that.

Of course.

Could you be a doll and get me a little of both?

Hmm?

You know I was just hired to do carpets, right?

I don't see why that should prevent you from getting me a little snack.

Don't you have, like, 10,000 other people to do that for you?

Yeah. But you're right here.

Okay, I'm sorry, but I really have to finish up so I can pick my girls up from school.

Shh.

Perhaps you don't know who I am.

I know exactly who you are.

You showed me your ass and did a number on my self-esteem.

Then why don't I have my fruit?

Beats me. But I'm not getting it.

Okay. Fair enough.

You're fired.

For not getting you a mango?

Or a papaya.

Okay, you know what? That's fine.

Just pay me and I'll be on my way.

I'm not paying you or the "We Care Carpet and Fabric Company."

Dude, you have a toilet in there that costs more than I make in a year.

You hired me to do a job. I did it. You're paying me.

Nope.

Mr. Montenegro, ready to ship out when you are.

Great! Push off. The Pacific awaits.

Goodbye, Kate.

You are a horrible person.

A first-class asshole!

"A first-class asshole."

You're no charmer yourself.

Oh, whoa! That stung.

You selfish, condescending prick!

I bet you haven't worked a single day in your entire, self-absorbed life.

And to think I was this, this close, to inviting you to join us in the Jacuzzi.

There isn't enough penicillin in the world!

No, no, wait. No, no, no.

No. Don't untie the boat.

Excuse me, wait. Excuse me! Captain! I'm still on board.

Don't leave yet!

Women adore me. I'm charming, and fit, and disease-free.

Oh, grow up.

You are a vain, empty little man, who'd be nothing without his daddy's money.

Oh, no!

You gotta be kidding me! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait.

Better jump off.

No. No. I am not going anywhere, until you, or one of your butlers or bimbos writes me a check.

Fine. Next stop, San Francisco.

Fine. I'll be a pain in your ass for the next 12 hours.

I guess I didn't think this through.

No, you didn't.

I can't believe you're making me do this.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Wait! My equipment.

Oh, of course.

Here you are.

No! No, no, no! It's very expensive! No!

Oh!

Wait. I forgot something. Your bucket.

Fetch. No!

And just so you know, my life is not empty! Hmm?

Everyone wants my life because it's meaningful.

I hate you!

Goodbye.

Oh, God.

And now I owe the cleaning company $3,000 for a new machine!

And they fired me. He is the devil.

Whoa, who's the devil?

Leonardo Montenegro. Who's that?

Says here he's the son of the third richest man in the world.

A Latino? Hell yeah. Mi gente, babe, showin' up.

Hey! Those are for the crew, right? Not their boss?

What are you talking about, babe? I lost eight pounds.

Pretty soon I'm gonna be breaking out my skinny shirts.

I love when he dances.

Bring back the Hasselbeck.

You know what I got in my bank account?

$42. I need to get another job. Like, tonight.

Bobby, are you hiring?

Yeah, sure, if you can haul giant bags of concrete all day.

We could probably scrape together a few bucks for you.

Just Benny started college and somebody bought a boat!

Come on, babe, we're gonna relitigate this?

I paid significantly below market for that boat.

I had to buy it. It was a steal.

Why am I even trying to be a nurse?

I'm gonna be delivering pizzas and cleaning carpets for the rest of my life.

Kate, don't say that. Hey, look.

Have a garlic knot.

It makes everything just a little bit better, I promise.

No, it doesn't.

No? I'll have one.

Moretti plays it back to midfield, controlling the pace as always.

I'm drunk.

Good, I'll take advantage of you.

Oops.

Give me a second. Don't turn of.

Is there a problem?

My condom drawer's empty.

I'll fix this.

And the door was wide open, but Magnusson hesitates...

I've told the man repeatedly, for the nine minutes I am having my supper, I am off the clock.

What am I paying these people for?

I'll be back. Okay.

Don't take too long.

Hi, Papi.

All good -- just hit a wave.

Please be here.

Damn it, I'm relentless.

Hmm.

Yes!

Five!

...everything's under control.

"Pancho's" having dinner tonight!

Whoa!

Help me, somebody!

Help me, please!

Please, anyone, help!

Colin! Help!

Goal! Yeah! Yeah!

Help me!

Help me!

Bringing him home safe and sound.

Help, Captain!

Please! Help!

Help! Help, somebody!


Rough night, pal?

Hey!

I don't wanna get your hopes up, ma'am, but we might have found him.

Like I told the officer, I don't know what day it is. I don't know where I was born.

I don't even know my own name.

I remember nothing except waking up on a beach with an ass full of sand.

You're a doctor, right?

Well, fix it.

And also...

Can I get a prettier nurse?

She is the pretty one.

Probably caused by acute trauma to the medial temporal lobe.

Amnesia, really? Is it permanent?

Well, the brain is a tricky thing.

He might get his memory back in a couple of days or maybe never at all.

But to be honest, we've only had one case of amnesia here in Elk Cove and that was a pretty young woman back in the '80s.

Fingers crossed, this is your brother, ~ Papi's getting weaker. Where's Leonardo? ~ but this is a beach town, we do get our share of homeless here.

So what happens if he's just some poor guy living on the street?

Then he'll be shipped off to a psychiatric facility up in Salem.

Oh, my God. People get lost up there.

Here we are.

And he really remembers nothing?

Not a thing.

For the hundredth time, I don't want chicken or beef.

I want fish.

A simple, grilled piece of sea bass. With a buttery Chardonnay.

That's not my brother.

Do it! Today!

What are you waiting for?

Oh, shit.

Shit! Ow.

Shit!

Shit.

I got two weeks. I am having a total anxiety attack.

I can't make those girls move again.

Okay, honey, hang on. I got a half a Xanax in my purse.

We're gonna figure this out.

Kate. Look at this.

I was searching for a used lawnmower in the Beachcomber, and look what I found.

Amnesia. Right here in our little town.

I told you this stuff happens all the time.

Dude has no idea who he is.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. That's him.

That's the asshole!

"An unidentified homeless man.

"General retrograde amnesia.

"There was hope a Mexico City woman

"yachting nearby might be his sister, but..."

That was his sister.

Unbelievable.

I bet she's pretending not to know him, so she can take over the company.

They did that on Amor sin Maquillaje.

Okay.

We are going down to the hospital right now and getting the money he owes me.

And add a little for pain and suffering, too.

Oh, yeah. I'm gonna add a lot. He treated me like crap.

Yeah, and I need new cleats.

We're all gonna get new cleats!

Okay, wait. Hey, Kate?

If he didn't pay you when he knew who you were, what makes you think he's gonna pay you now?

This is so frustrating!

I hate rich people. They get away with everything.

But you know what? No, not this time.

Because I am not gonna tell them who he is.

I am just gonna let him rot in there.

Yeah, you could do that, or you can be like them and take advantage of the situation.

How? How could I do that?

Carlos, you still making fake documents?

What?

Absolutely not.

Out of that racket.

I'm a law-abiding American citizen.

State or federal?

All right, hey, girls. I'm gonna need you to help your mom dig up some old family photos.

I'm gonna ask Bobby to loan us a box of his useless, skinny clothes, because I have an idea that you're gonna hate, but you're wrong because it is poetic in its justice.

Hi. Hi.

I'm here to pick up my husband, the man with amnesia.

Oh. You must be Kate?

Dr. Fletcher was so excited to get your call.

We all were.

I'll go get him.

Almost forgot. Here's everything he had with him.

Thank you.

Wait, okay, you're just nervous.

Yeah, really nervous.

This is crazy and probably illegal.

Kate, come on. Where are you going?

Look, do you wanna get evicted?

Of course not.

Okay, well, then stick to the script. We have a plan.

One month until the test. Bobby will hire him, and he'll be an extra paycheck, so you have time to study.

I barely know the guy. I am not gonna let him move in.

But you're gonna be there, studying.

That's why it's genius.

He'll never have to be alone with the kids.

Come on.

You're doing this for your girls.

I'm doing this for my girls.

There you go.

Okay, here, use this. Bobby won't even notice.

Good news.

Your wife has come to take you home.

Finally. It's about time.

What? Wait.

I'm married?

Hi, honey.

I do not recognize this lady.

I was afraid this would happen.

Did you bring the materials we talked about?

I know this must be very disorienting, but here's our marriage license.

My name is Leo Sullivan?

Yes. Your great-grandfather...

Your great-great-grandfather, Finbar Sullivan, emigrated from Ireland, to fight for Mexico in the war of 1846.

That's gobbledygook! It can't be true.

Honey, we have been married for 15 years.

We have three wonderful daughters.

No, there's no way I have children.

And if I did, they'd be sons.

I'm just saying.

I have your passport, your birth certificate...

Oh...

Here's a photo from our honeymoon.

We went to Reno?

Now I know you're lying.

Leo! Sweetie, stop puzzling.

I'm puzzling.

You and I are Mr. and Mrs. Leo Sullivan.

We met in Cancun.

You were a tour guide.

I was working on a cruise ship.

Is any of this ringing a bell?

Nope. Nothing.

We dated every time I docked.

We would get frozen yogurt and watch the sunset over the Playa Tortugas.

That's where we fell in love.

Sounds like you're a romantic, Leo.

Look, look, look.

I admit there are many things I've forgotten, but from the depths of my soul, I know I'm not married to this woman.

So, unless I see some real proof, I'm getting a slice of pie at the cafeteria, hmm?

Good luck, crazy lady.

Wait, wait. Wait. Honey?

I didn't wanna say this, because I know it embarrasses you.

But you have a tattoo of a cartoon mouse on your right butt cheek.

No, I don't.

You're really my wife?

For better or worse, baby.


All right, here we are.

I know it doesn't look like much, but it's full of love.

I'm poor?

Yup.

Come on in.

Oh, Dad!

Daddy! We missed you so much.

I'm so glad you're okay.

Emily?

Hey.

She's too cool to admit it, but she was the most worried of all.

I'm sorry, I don't recognize any of you.

Oh, come on.

Molly, Olivia, Emily, your three musketeers?

No.

Uh... I've got homework.

How come they don't look like me?

Oh, sweetie...

We had trouble getting pregnant, so we had to use a sperm donor.

I'm sterile?

That doesn't change a thing.

You are still their father.

You've done everything for this family.

Taken two, even three jobs.

I work?

How do you think we can pay for all of this?

I'm afraid to ask, but what do I do for a living?

Well, before you got laid off, you were a foreman at the poultry processing plant.

Luckily, Bobby, my boss's husband, you met bowling, gave you a job at his construction company.

It is awful, backbreaking work, I know, but we are lucky to have it.

I need a drink. Lots of them.

What? Please don't tell me I'm sober?

You had your three-year chip, but then you relapsed and you ended up on that beach.

So what is that? Four days? You got four days, honey.

We're still really proud of you. Mm-hmm.

I see.

No alcohol. Whatsoever.

Nada.

I need to use the restroom.

I assume it's that room over there with the toilet.

Look at you, babe. It's all coming back!

Boop.

I don't like that.

One more.

Boop, boop!

This can't be my life.


Honey!

Hey! Hi.

Running low on toilet paper.

Under the sink!

Of course.

Yes.

Under the sink, of course.

Please keep my beloved brother in your prayers as you head back to Mexico.

I'm going to stay here until I find him.

Alive or...

Good thoughts, people. Only good thoughts.

I was fat?

Um, yeah. You didn't make the best decisions when you were drinking, honey.

Tomorrow we're going to Goodwill.

Bobby's skinny clothes are not skinny.

I assume these Seahawks are some kind of sports team and I'm a big fan, because most of my clothes have this God-awful green and blue bird on it.

Football, Dad. It's our thing.

We watch every game together.

Even when I haven't done my homework.

Hey. Everyone does their homework.

Including me. And right now I've gotta memorize protocols for thoracic surgery.

So, Leo, why don't you get dinner started?

What? Cook? Me? Cook?

Sweetheart, I know you had a head injury, but we made a deal.

While I'm studying for my exam, you keep the house running.

But I don't even know how to turn on the stove.

Oh! Honey, come on.

Salad, pasta. There's a jar of sauce in the fridge.

Holy cow.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, uh, pardon me.

Nothing like an icy cold beer on a warm day.

Mmm, mmm.

Yes.


Ugh!

Is this the sauce we always use?

It tastes like red nothing.

And how are you supposed to tell when the noodles are done?

Taste one.

Mmm. Mmm.

Hot, hot, hot!

When's the maid coming?

As I'm saying this, I fear I'm the maid.

No one cleans like you do, sweetie.

This is awesome.

Honey?

Try not to dilly dally. We're all super hungry.

I like having a dad around.

He's not your dad, genius.

You agreed to have a good attitude.

And I'll have a great attitude if you let him babysit, so I'm not stuck here watching these guys all the time.

We went over this. I don't want him to babysit.

Why does he only get to do your chores?

I wanna go to the pool like every other kid in my class.

I don't care! He's not babysitting.

'Cause you think he's a pervert?

Of course not!

What's a pervert?

Nothing. Then can I have one?

No! He's not babysitting. End of story.

Good night.

I never get anything.

So, is this where the magic happens?

You don't even remember who I am, and you still wanna have sex with me?

Yes. Very much.

So, basically, you wanna have sex with a complete stranger?

Yes. Very much.

All right, big boy.

You know the rules.

What? Hey, wait, wait, wait.

I'm not sleeping with you?

You need 30 days clean and sober.

You and your sponsor came up with that. It was your idea, not mine.

What are you saying?

Boop! You're gonna make me sleep on the couch?

Nope. We tried that last time and you ended up in the liquor cabinet.

So, where am I sleeping?

Here you go.

You have a cot and everything.

All right, so I'm gonna lock up the house for the night.

If you need to use the bathroom, here you go.

I'm a nobody.

A poor, sterile, drunk nobody, who has to pee in a bottle.

But you're my nobody.

All right, Bobby's picking you up in the morning, bright and early.

So you need to get some rest, okay?

Oh, and watch out for bears.


What is that noise?!

Buenos dias.

Nice shirt. Thank you.

Yeah, don't spill on it.

It's a classic and everything.

Seriously, they're hard to find.

Okay, everybody.

This is Leo.

Burro. Burrito.

Vito, because he loves The Godfather.

This is my worthless nephew, Jason.

We call him Lucky, because he's lucky to have a job.

And 'cause I got hit by lightning. Twice. For real.

I shouldn't even be here.

Yeah. Gordo was like, "Whoa, shit!"

Bro, you don't get to call me that, okay?

And don't be so cocky. I used to look just like you.

The hair, the abs, the little bedroom eyes.

You definitely don't get to call me that.

You gotta work for me at least six months, okay?

Welcome, man.

Damn, you got some soft hands.

What've you been doing?

Back off -- poor guy's got amnesia.

I know what he's been doing. Working at a nail salon.

Those are some real lady hands.

Come on, we got a pool to dig. Let's go.

Hey.

Listen, I'm pretty sure I've never worked construction.

So, I might be more suited for running errands, or maybe some light office work.

I could be the guy who gets the muffins.

Look, I got your back, all right?

I'll go easy on you. Good.

Great.

Yo!

Any of this jogging your memory, Lady Hands?

A little bit?

After this I got a real easy job for you.

No, I'm just kidding, bro.

I wish I could've brought his body home, but...

...the shark did too much damage.

Why does my son smell like meat?

Uh...

Because, in the end... that's what we all are...

Hamburger.

You'll be throwing me on the grill soon enough.

Oh, my God! Don't say that!

No, no, no.

The new antibiotic's going to work.

I know this is an emotional time, but perhaps we should talk about the future of the company.

There's nothing to talk about.

When I'm in the ground, you're in charge.

I'm humbled, Papi.

Look at you -- the crown you always dreamed of.

That's what you wanted, right?

Yes.

But not like this.

Not like this.

Coffee. Yes.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Look at this guy.

He's got it all dialed in, with his espresso machine and that sweet little peach.

That's gonna be me one day.

You can come over whenever you want, bro.

Hey, guys?

Can I get you to haul the dirt on the other side of the house?

I know it's longer, but Nadia and I are trying to have a quiet morning.

Sorry, mister. I don't speak English.

Right. No speak English.

Sorry. I will talk to Bobby.

Si. Bobby.

I love doing that.

What happened, Lady Hands?

Lose your memory and your muscles?

Come on!

With gusto, buddy.

Lady Hands, do it like a man!

Go for it, dude!

Do it again! I need to film that!

He flipped like a monkey!

Remember, when you're washing the jersey, cold water.

You listen. Gentle cycle. Okay?

Bueno.

Hey, respecting the wash instructions is the best way to respect the team.

And no reds, they tend to bleed!

Tortured, tired, thirsty.

Hi, honey! How was your first day?

Terrible. My body.

Pain. Every. Part.

Oh.

I was in the car...

And I said, "What?"

Do we need to take him to the hospital?

I said, "Bobby..." No, no, no. No.

He is fine. He just needs some rest.

Rest. Rest.

Oh, that's right.

Dirt is...

You know what? Why don't you take a few minutes, before you get started on all the things you have to do tonight?

What? There's more?

I know you're having trouble remembering, so I made you a list.

No, no, no.

It's physically impossible for me to get off this couch.

I mean, my legs are no longer functioning.

Look. Look.

I want, but I can't.

And even if I could move...

I wouldn't want to do any of the vile things on this list.

There's a couple more on the back, too.


I know that guy. How do I know that guy?

Hey. Do you work at Jiffy Lube?

God, I hope not.

This is gonna drive me crazy.


Is this new sauce? It tastes different.

Yeah. I added a few things.

Some chopped onion, a little red pepper and a pinch of something called cumin.

I couldn't bear another bowl of that tasteless slop.

I like it. I like it a lot.

It's better, right?

I don't know.

I feel like we've been having pasta too much.

Maybe you should mix it up a little.

Okay, I'm gonna take mine up to study.

Hey, after you clean the kitchen, don't forget, it's garbage day.

It's entirely clear to me now why I blocked out my life, Fiona.

It's a hideous existence.

Good night, you guys. I love you.

Good night, Mom. Love you.

Oh, you gotta be kidding me. Aren't you exhausted?

Who would use exhaustion as an excuse to not make love?

Everybody.

To the shed. I know. I know. It's hard for me, too.

Nice work today.

Turn it off! Turn it off!

Turn it off!

Turn that thing off!

You're spraying me!

Yo, I'm gonna post this on my Snapchat.

I'm gonna make you a little beaver, bro.

How come we always get the shit jobs?

Because you're unskilled laborers!

Land of the free, no land of the free lunch.

Let's get it done!

Okay. You are a genius.

I got seven hours of sleep last night, and guess what he's making for dinner?

Chicken skewers, coconut rice.

Aw, I want a fake husband.

Thank you. Thank you.

I got more studying done this week than I have in months.

Maybe next time I ask you to commit a crime, you won't fight me on it.

...and I don't know, I feel like...

I'm stuck in a life that isn't mine.

I mean... look at this guy with his mansion and his view of the ocean.

I feel like that should be my life.

Yeah, you should be living like Bill Gates or Carlos Slim with a big house and a private jet.

Me too, man.

That's why I play the lottery.

Every Friday at the same time, I buy the same numbers.

12 - 21 - 45 My lucky numbers.

The day the Godfather got shot buying oranges.

Those numbers are really working for you!

You don't understand.

I feel like something's profoundly wrong.

Sometimes I look at my wife and...

I have no idea who this person is.

Tell me about it.

You should've seen Sonia in high school.

She was smokin' hot.

Now I barely recognize her.

She got really ugly.

Trust me, she's disappointed too.

He's one to talk.

No, I'm serious.

I don't feel like we're really husband and wife.

We haven't had sex in I don't know how long.

Really, I have no idea.

You know the last time I had sex with my wife?

Nine months before my daughter was born.

She just turned three.

Quick, move away. He's looking at us!

Bro, you're lucky you have amnesia.

I remember when I thought my nephew was actually gonna do something with his life.

Music is something. I'm an artist.

Yeah, an "artist".

You're sleeping on my couch, bro.

Yeah, well, that tune's gonna change when I thank you at the Grammys, Gordo.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

You better pick it up, dawg. You know what I'm saying?

'Cause the Diaz metabolism slows down around 30.

See this right here?

It's not gonna get you on the charts, dawg.

Come on, let's go.

I got some work I don't feel like doing.

Why do you even wear that hard hat, man?

Kiss my ass!

You know I can take you!

The thing is, the thing is...

I feel like I'm just a paycheck.

Lady Hands... that's what you are.

But not a very good one.

Pathetic.

We all feel this way, man.

Really! Absolutely.

All of you? All of us.

Welcome to the club.

Listen, Lady Hands, you're blessed.

You got a decent job.

A wife who puts up with your crap. Three beautiful, healthy girls.

Will you wake me when he's done?

Don't be a jerk.

Know what Don Corleone would say to you?

He'd say: "Act like a man."

"Act like a man."

And then he'd slap you. Do I need to slap you?

No. I got it, I got it.

Well, then...

Act like a man.

Act like a man!

See you tomorrow, Bobby. Okay, brother.

Hey, remember, don't tell Theresa about the chicken parm.

Hey.

Hey.

I got you something.

Frozen yogurt.

Like the old days on the Playa.

What? On the Playa Tortugas.

Oh, oh.

Right. Yeah, the sunsets.

Yeah. Yes. Good times.

I couldn't remember which flavors we liked, so I got an assortment.

Thanks. This was really nice of you.

I know I haven't been the easiest to live with lately, but I'm gonna try a little harder.

I can't promise a lot harder, but maybe I'll surprise myself.

Well, keep doing this.

Maybe next time, bring some toppings.

Mmm.

Mango. I love mango.

Have I always loved mango?

As long as I've known you.

Ah, yes.

When we were young and couldn't keep our hands off each other.

No.

Okay.

Well... I'll be in my shed.

Trying to have a good attitude.

Just me and the spiders.

Oh.

Forgot my bathroom.

Whew. Whew!

I'm having a hard time, Papi.

Remember when I went to New York to try to be a concert cellist?

You were furious and cut me off.

And I've forgiven you.

Mostly.

But Leonardo was there for me.

He flew to New York and... helped me decorate my apartment.

He was the only one who believed in my talent.

Always.

His death was very sudden... and Magda's been so vague about the details...

I'm calling to get a death certificate for Leonardo Montenegro.

He died a couple of weeks ago in a shark attack.

Yes. An attack by a shark fish?

I think I'm saying that correctly.

Oh my God, how much do these things weigh?

90 pounds.

It's cruel.

They should make it so an actual human being can carry them.

Probably save like 3 cents a bag this way.

Montenegro.

Greedy bastards.

Hey, it's payday.

About time.

Burro.

Burrito.

Thank you, boss.

Here you go, Leo.

And the client wats us to leave early so he can... get a massage or count his money or something.

Hey! Hey!

Watch out!

What're you staring at?

It can't be, but this feels like the first paycheck I ever got.

Don't lose it, Lady Hands.

Thanks, Bobby. You got it, bro.

All right. Hey!

Hey! Hey, sweetie!

Bueno.

Oi, remember Hasselbeck.

He's way more mobile than people give him credit for.

Hey.

Why aren't you riding? It's no fun with training wheels.

I never taught you to ride a bike?

It's okay. Some dads can't be around that much.

No, it's not okay.

I'm gonna fix this. Right now.

Let me just put this away. Okay?

What are you doing here?

They got us working bankers' hours today.

Whatever those are.

So then it's cool if you watch those guys, so I can go to the pool?

Yeah, sure. Why not?

Thanks, Dad.

Hey, Mom. You're gonna be blown away.

Modern Senior magazine said my performance stole the show.

And the Saint Jude wellness newsletter featured me on the cover.

That certainly justifies leaving me without childcare.

Life's short, Kate.

You gotta do what makes you happy.

I don't wanna have regrets just because I didn't do what I wanted to do.

You'll understand someday, honey.

Shit! I gotta go, Mom.

Everyone's looking.

I don't care!

I asked you for one month, just watch your sisters.

And we don't even know anything about this guy.

Whose fault is that? I didn't bring him into the house.

That's not the point.

And I'll tell you why in two minutes.

We're not done talking about this!

And because of you, their pizza was cold and they gave me a lousy tip.

Maybe you got a bad tip because you run like a duck.

You better hope everything's okay.

I hate this. I hate this whole thing. It's so stupid.

I love the Seahawks!

Our team just ran the ball to the finish line.

The end zone. We've been over this.

Oh, right. Touchdown.

It's coming back slowly.

See, Mom, everything's fine. No one died.

Oh, and, Kate, I got some of the guys to help me fix that leak in the roof.

And you unpacked the boxes?

Oh, yeah, yeah. And I found these pillows.

The couch needed a splash of color.

What?

"Little by little, the bird builds its nest." It's French.

Wait. I speak French.

Why do I speak French?

Uh...

Well, you were a tour guide, and it's well-known that Parisians love Cancun.

For it's chips and salsa and its flamenco dancers.

Thanks for humiliating me for nothing.

Hey! Hey, we had a deal, and you didn't stick to it.

You're grounded.

Who cares? I'm basically a prisoner here anyway!

For a week! Kate, Kate, Kate. Hey.

Can I talk to you for a sec?

Okay, listen, you remember what it's like to be 13.

I don't, but you probably do.

What are you getting at?

And no phone!

Hey, hey, I just think maybe you're being...

I don't know, a little hard on her.

Don't tell me how to raise my kids.

"Your kids"?

"Your kids"?

Hey. Listen.

Just because those girls were not conceived with my seed, doesn't make me any less their father or a man.

Of course not. I just...

I'm not done.

All I do is work and work and slave for this family.

I may not have put us in the lap of luxury, but I'm a provider.

What you said was a low blow.

An unfair and hurtful low blow.

Honey, I... Low blow.

I need some air.

Leo!

Right after I check the score.

And it is good!

We lost. A stunning win for Arizona.

I hope you're happy.

Where are you going? I don't know.

And not because I don't remember, hmm?

Because I don't know.

My name is Leo and I'm an alcoholic.

Hi, Leo.

To be honest, I don't really remember my drinking days.

Yep. Been there.

I got in a fight with my wife tonight.

I stood outside a bar for 20 minutes.

I came this close. This...

But here I am.

Keep coming back. One day at a time.

? Bloody stools Bloody stools, bloody stools

? Antiplatelet, bloody stools ?

Holy shit!

Leonardo Montenegro.

Yeah, he was murdered by a shark in your district several weeks ago.

Sorry, ma'am.

Haven't had a shark attack around here in four years.

Really?

Don't you have to check with other police stations?

Lady, I promise you, if anyone's gonna hear about a shark attack, it's gonna be me.

Good luck to you.

Hmm.

Hey. Hey.

Um...

Sorry about tonight.

I'm the one who should apologize.

No, I really need to keep my side of the street clean and, you know, cultivate an attitude of gratitude.

I overreacted. I talked to Emily and ungrounded her.

I'm just so stressed out about this test.

Well, you've been working so hard and...

I got it.

And I've been thinking how I can help.

So I talked to Theresa and she's okay with me picking up a few of your shifts.

Really? You'd do that for me? Yeah.

I'm not being selfless.

I'm just thinking of myself less.

You like it with milk, right?

And a little sugar.

Oh, and I'll take the kids all day Sunday so you can study.

By yourself? I can't let...

Actually, that would be amazing.

Great.

I was also thinking that I should... Oh! Ah!

Sharp knife. Blood. Blood. Lots of blood.

I do not like blood. All right.

All right, take it easy. You're okay.

Let me see, let me see. Help.

I'm just gonna wash it off.

Feeling queasy. Gonna faint.

No. You're not gonna faint.

I'm fainting. No.

The room is spinning.

All right, let's just sit you down over here.

How bad is it?

Should I go to the hospital? Do I need a tourniquet?

Relax. You are with a trained professional.

Do I need stitches? No.

Please help me. I'm bleeding to death.

Oh, God! It's really deep.

What the hell are you doing?

Cleaning the cut. My God, you're such a baby!

I got this.

I took a whole class on it.

Dressing wounds?

Dealing with hysterical patients.

All right.

Okay.

There.

You have very good bedside manner.

You think so? Yeah.

Sometimes I worry about that.

No. No, you're a natural.

All right. There you go. Good as new.

Well, um...

I guess I'll let you study.

Thanks for taking such good care of me.

Okay.

Good night.

Wait.

You can sleep inside. Downstairs, on the couch.

You've made me very happy.

What happened to Catalina?

She lost the baby.

She lost it?

Now Arturo will never marry her.

Of course not. Never.

We'll pick you up after the game, hmm?

You're welcome!

Why can't we go swimming?

We're giving your sister a little space.

Too much space.

We're giving her too much space.

Everyone's watching.

I don't care!

I don't have to listen to you. You're not even my real dad.

What? Your mother told you?

Well, I'm still not letting you throw your life away for some sex-crazed, curly-haired wolf.

That boy wants one thing and one thing only.

He's gay.

Okay. One different thing.

What are you doing? Why are you crying?

Because I'm miserable.

You are?

Yeah.

I was really popular in Portland, and here everyone's on group texts that I'm not a part of.

And there's this boy in my Spanish class that I like, but he doesn't know that I exist.

And he's friends with the lifeguard here and that's...

Wait, you're taking Spanish?

Yeah, it's boring. I hate it.

Muy bien.

Your pronunciation is very natural.

I mean, you still need to roll the "R's".

What?

Say it.

You have to... Okay, okay. Dad!

How could he not know you exist?

You're a beautiful, smart, thoughtful young woman.

He'd be lucky to be your boyfriend.

But you're way too young for a boyfriend.

They'd all be lucky to be your boyfriend.

Every boy here should beg to be your boyfriend.

But I forbid it. I forbid it!

I know I'm all over the map. It's just...

It's very confusing having a daughter.

Look. I'm not gonna do anything stupid. All right?

Go have fun.

Gracias.

Blue 52. Hot route left.

Hut, hut, hike!

Yes! Yes!

Go, go, go. Yes! Yes! Yes!

Go! Go! Go! Yes!

Woo-hoo!

Yeah! Yeah!

Go team! Yeah, we did it! That's my daughter.

We know.

Second touchdown.

We're winning, actually.

Yeah, we kicked their butts!

Thanks for rescuing me. Ah.

My mind was turning into mush.

Hey, Molly!

When did you learn how to ride without training wheels?

Dad taught me.

She only fell once.

Faster! Faster! Faster!

Come on, come on, come on! Yes, yes, yes!

Whoo!

So how do I get rid of the brain freeze?

Go like this. Like this?

Mmm.

Are you gonna leave us?

What do you mean? Of course not. I'm your dad.

Sometimes dads leave.

Well, I guess maybe they do, but I'm not going anywhere.

You're stuck with me.

Thank you.

"A. Sudden weight gain. B. Abdominal itch.

"C. Bloody stools. D. Light..."

Bloody stools.


Don't bury me yet.

Ay, Papa!

I'm all better.

Easy, you're still recovering.

I just peed on my own.

Can you believe this quack was right?

I've been right for 30 years.

Papa!

I'm filled with happiness!

You can dial it back. You still get the company.

Probably should've given it to you from the start.

I'm humbled, Papi.

Colin, were you with Magdalena when she identified my brother's body?

No, ma'am, she was quite insistent on handling the matter herself.

Are you insinuating?

Should I be insinuating?

Should I be insinuating?

And before you answer that, remember I'm Scottish.

I can do this all day long.

Hey! So, the test?

There was a couple that I blanked on, but at least it's over.

Now I don't have to keep up this insane lie.

Are you sure you don't wanna wait a couple of weeks before you tell him?

I mean, good help is hard to find.

Yeah, totally. And the guys are really starting to like him, too.

No. No. Fair is fair. He has paid his debt.

I have tortured him long enough.

Okay.

You're really gonna hate doing your own laundry again.

Guys...

I feel pretty nervous.

I think he's gonna freak out.

Freak out?

Kate, you're telling a ditch digger he's a billionaire, you know.

I'm pretty sure he's gonna be okay with it.

Yeah.

Hey.

Uh, I need to talk to you.

Yeah. What's up?

I have to confess something, and I don't know where to start.

Well, whatever it is, I'm sure it's not that big of a deal.

It's pretty big. Yeah?

And this is gonna sound crazy.

Maybe funny-crazy or crazy-crazy.

But I did something terrible.

Hold that thought.

Girls!

Dinner's ready!

Yeah. Sit down, please.

Be careful, it's hot. It smells so good.

I hope it tastes good. It looks so good.

Use a spoon. Mmm.

So...

What's this awful thing you need to confess?

I...

Come on, I'm your husband. You can tell me anything.

I forgot it's our anniversary.

Really?

Today?

Happy anniversary!

We're going out!


You guys are really good.

Thanks, bro. Tell my uncle.

Fifteen years.

A lot of couples don't make it that long.

Yeah.

Thanks for sticking with me.

I know I haven't made things easy.

It's pretty out here. Beautiful.

Do you know what it means when a ship honks three times like that?

Someone told me once, but I forgot.

Yes, I do.

It's based on an old, Spanish legend.

Yeah.

Very romantic, by the way.

You see, there was a poor housemaid named Catalina.

She was very pretty and caught the eye of the colonial governor's son, Arturo.

Okay, wait. You don't remember anything, yet you remember this?

It's a very famous legend.

So, they fell in love.

Of course.

But Arturo's father forbade it.

He couldn't have his only son running around with a commoner.

So, he ordered Arturo to return to Spain, which he did.

But not before promising Catalina he'd come back and signal for her with three long blasts.

Just like you heard.

This sounds suspiciously like one of the shows the kitchen guys watch.

I have no idea what you're talking about. Uh-huh.

Anyway, a year later, everything went as planned.

She swam out, but the fog was too thick.

He called out, "Catalina! Catalina!"

She yelled back, "Arturo! Arturo!"

And with that, he dove into the water.

They reunited, and Catalina, who, up until that point, had been resisting him because of some test she had to study for, finally let him kiss her.

Hmm.

Oh. Now I remember.

Three honks means a boat's about to go in reverse.

Okay.

Maybe. Factually.

But I...

Was it always this good?

Every time with you is like the first time.

Look at this thing. We built it.

Your first pool, bro.

Good job.

Hey, look at you, you got working man hands now.

Yeah!

Yes, I do!

That's good.

Take that play, get off the block there by Laken Tomlinson.

This guy will be a defensive MVP one day, I guarantee you.

Dad, what's a pervert?

Um...

Well, uh...

When a man has a van...

Kate!

Molly has a question for you.

What is taking them so long?

Would you relax?

They said they were gonna post the results after 2:00 p.m.

All right. Halftime.

I'm getting lunch.

Oh, wait. Where's my list?

Here.

Mmm... Ciao.

Wait! Hey, I forgot.

Honey!

Get coleslaw, okay? And maybe some potato chips.

Okay, got it.

Write it down. I know you. You're gonna forget.

And get cookies. I want cookies.

Cookies.

Pen.

Kate!

What's the matter?

I don't know. I was just wondering what the wife on an infertile man would be doing with a strip of ribbed, reservoir-tipped Trojans?

Okay...

This is not what you think.

It's nothing.

Nothing? We made a vow.

A sacred vow, which I kept, I think.

And don't assume I didn't have opportunities, because I did.

Lots and lots of them. Probably.

This is nuts.

You know what, I'm glad.

I'm glad you found these, because I have been trying to think of a way to tell you this.

You and I...

We're not really married.

Have I not made you happy?

Yes, but that's not the point.

I'm not your wife.

Those kids in there, they're not your children.

Oh, this again.

Low blow.

All right, come on. Come on!

Girls?

Girls, I just told him the truth, and I want you to tell him, too.

Go ahead, tell him.

Tell him what?

Tell him he's not your dad.

But he is our dad?

No, don't tell him what I told you to tell him.

Tell him what really happened. Emily?

He got drunk and blacked out on the beach.

We were really worried. I couldn't sleep.

No, damn it! Tell him the truth!

Don't you speak to my three musketeers like that.

I've had it.

What do you think you're doing?

We like him. We want to keep him.

You can't keep him. He doesn't belong to you.

He didn't belong to you, either, but that didn't stop you.

You know I have my reasons. So do we.

Leo, listen. Look, look, look. Those condoms aren't Kate's.

They're mine.

Don't cover for her.

No, I'm not. She's covering for me.

Yeah. I'm the one sleeping with the customers.

Really?

I have a problem, Leo. I'm obsessed with sex.

Come on.

I'm a sex addict! It's a real thing.

What are you talking about?

Kate! I confessed.

You don't have to lie for me anymore.

I can finally get the help I need.

Now, don't worry. You don't have to tell Bobby.

I'll tell him.

Do you hate me?

Of course not.

I know the flesh is weak.

Hey, one day at a time. Hmm?

Yeah, one day at a time.

I'm so sorry I didn't trust you.

That really scared me.

It was like my whole life was a lie.

Come on, they're back on the field!

Hey. Second half's about to start.

Mind doing the sandwich run?

What are you doing?

I can't keep this up forever.

Why not?

Okay, look, I know your relationship's a little unconventional.

But whose isn't? You guys are good together.

Stop fighting it.

I'll tell you one thing.

Pretend or not, Bobby's Latin ego is not gonna like being cheated on.

Kate! Shit.

They told him.

You passed! You're a nurse!

Congratulations, Mom!

Hike! Let's do this.

Hey, Gordo. Hey.

You okay?

Huh? Oh.

Yeah, well, you know, I've been better.

Yeah.

But this is the wake-up call we needed.

I wasn't as attentive to her needs as I should have been.

You know, I can be emotionally remote, bro.

We're starting couples therapy.

Oh, good. Yeah.

Just, whatever you do, you know, don't...

I'm sorry, take Kate for granted. Because...

Look, I know we can be a little machista.

It's our way. Yeah. You know?

But your vulnerability and honesty really touches me.

You owe me.

I know.

Oh, yeah, this is a Christmas card.

Oh, God, it's cold!

I got you!

That's him. The chicken fight guy.

My God!

Leonardo, you always supported my musical dreams.

Like you said, "When God gives you a gift... it's your responsibility to use it."

This is for you. It's Bach.

It was here, that fateful night... when Leonardo bravely fought the savage shark and perished.

Today, his remais can--

Sofia, that's enough. Thank you, my dear.

Today his remains can join the rest of his body.

Let's each take a handful of our beloved Leonardo... and say our final goodbyes.

Hold the ashes! Sorry, sorry.

This was taken 20 minutes ago.

Leonardo? What?

It's Leonardo!

He's alive! Leonardo's alive!

He's alive!

Hey, you guys! You guys!

Before I cut the cake, I just want to thank you all for being here.

I could not have passed the test without you all.

Nurse Kate! Nurse Kate!

Especially you, Leo.

He cooked, he cleaned.

He worked two jobs, he kept me laughing.

And if you haven't tried the empanadas yet, they are delicious. He made them.

They're gone!

What, babe?

They're delicious, bro.

Thank you, my love.

You changed my life.

Wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait, wait.

I want to say something, too.

I mean, look at this face.

Look at this face. Oh!

Isn't this the most beautiful face you've ever seen?

Second. Second most beautiful.

She's too good for you!

And also, I don't remember the first time I did this, and that doesn't feel right.

So, Kate,

will you marry me again?

Holy crap.

Yeah.

Yes! Yes, I will!

She said yes! She said yes!

That's what I'm talking about, Leo!

Go, Mom!

That's what I'm talking about, bro!

That's my boy right there.

Okay, that's love, baby.

"'And now, gentlemen, ' said d'Artagnan, without stopping to explain his conduct, "'all for one, and one for all.

"'That is our motto, is it not?

"'But still, look here.'"


Wow.

Whose fancy car is that?

That's so cool.

He's been through a lot. Let's not overwhelm him.

Hey, Papi!

Sofia!

Hi, Magda!

Let me just drop this in the house.

Hey.


Papi.

Sofia.

Magda.

Oh, my God, I remember.

I'm Leonardo Montenegro.

Kate!

I'm cured!

The doctor said my memory could come back suddenly, and he was right.

I mean, I saw Papi...

I walked past him into the house and poof!

It came back!

Honey, ask me anything.

Ask me about my childhood in Mexico City.

About my car collection.

About my money.

Money. I have money!

Lots and lots of money.

This is the happiest day of my life!

Wait.

You're not my wife.

Why would you make me think...

Why would you do that to me?

I know why.

You're that awful carpet cleaner lady who hates me.

And...

And these are your kids and you made me believe...

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

You tricked me.

You used me.

Leo...

No, no, no.

My name is not Leo.

It's Leonardo.

And I don't belong with you.

And I don't belong with them.

I'll get my things.


There's nothing in there that's mine.

For what it's worth...

I'm sorry.

And...

And thank you.

Come on, son.

Hey.

Girls.

Don't go!

Dad! Dad! Don't go.

Dad! Dad!

Dad!

Dad!

No! Don't go, don't go!

Wait, no.

Daddy!

Daddy, wait!


Welcome back, sir.

Your funeral was lovely, by the way.

I liked Dad's sauce better.

Sweetie, you know he was never really your dad.

You should have tried to stop him.

What was I gonna say?

I lied to him. I basically kidnapped the man.

So what? You're obviously totally in love with him.

What does it matter now?

He's back to his old life, with his servants and supermodels.

It's over.

Now finish up, 'cause Grandma can't wait to see ya.

You've made me very happy.

My father...

Leonardo Montenegro, founded the company 100 years ago.

And now I can retire... knowing my son, Leonardo Eduardo Gustavo de la Cruz Montenegro y Nieto, will lead us into the future.

What?

You said I was going to be in charge.

Well...

Life gave me lemons and I was trying to make lemonade.

Don't get upset.

I'm going to need your help.

This is all new to me.

But I have some ideas.

See, he already has ideas.

For example... we should sell 30 pound bags of cement in addition to the 90.

Here's why--

Do you have any idea how much that would increase production cost?

Ballpark --

Three million. A year.

Have you ever carried a bag of cement?

They give you a hernia.

Who cares?

The people carrying them.

Are you listening to this nonsense?

Give him time, Magda.

The cub will become a lion.

No, I don't drink.

Wait, wait. I do drink.

Fill her up, Colin!

Yes, that was definitely my recollection, sir.

Give me the bottle. Ah, what was I thinking?

This is horrifying.

Why is she doing this?

Because life's short, and you don't wanna have regrets.

Come on. We're getting Leo.

Yay!

Excuse us. Diarrhea. Excuse us.

Where are you going?

I'll call you. Yes, yes, yes!

Hurry up, we gotta catch him.

Sir, you should have called me.

I'd have gotten that for you.

You know, it's funny.

I've had this boat for 10 years, and I don't think I ever stepped foot in here.

Well, that's because you have people to take care of everything for you.

You know, when I was working construction, I hated rich assholes like me.

Hmm.

Did you hate me, Colin? You can be honest.

Well. If I may remind you, sir, the reason I got this job was because the last steward was honest.

Eh.

Can I confess something?

Hmm.

I'm not exactly sure where I fit in anymore.

Is that crazy?

Most of us only know the world that we're born into.

You've had the privilege of seeing life from an entirely different perspective.

Yeah, I did.

And it sucked, didn't it?

What's up, Kate?

Bobby, we need your boat!

You hear that? She needs my boat.

She needs it.

Good morning, Papi.

Morning, son.

Coffee?

Yes, thank you.

Beautiful weather we're having.

Yes.

What the heck?!

Why is the sun rising over there?

Because we're headed back to Oregon.

What? Why?!

To be with that con artist?

Absolutely not!

I forbid it!

Papi, wait.

Let's talk about this.

No! I'm turning this boat around!

We're going back to Mexico!

Papi, listen to me.

This is ridiculous.

What's going on?

I'm stopping your brother from throwing his life away for some pizza nurse!

I'm a grown man! I can be with who I want!

Yes, follow your heart.

What about the company?

You have responsibilities.

For once in your life, do the right thing!

For the first time, I am!

I adore this new Leonardo. So romantic.

I say go for it.

Right?

Yes, of course you want him out of the picture.

Look what I found... in something called "The Beachcomber."

"There was hope a Mexico City woman

"yachting nearby might be his sister."

That was you.

What?

You deliberately left Leonardo in that hospital.

Is this true?

Of course not.

That could've been any woman from Mexico City... yachting off the Oregon coast.

Yeah, because there are so many.

You left him there!

To rot! Please, Papi, you know I would never...

Quiet!

She's lost her mind!

You're sinister!

Quiet!

You're a lying goat!

Three.

Three! That's Kate!

That's Kate.

Leonardo.

Move away, Captain.

Arturo! Arturo!

Catalina! Catalina!

They're turning! Mom! Mom! Mom!

They're turning around. Why are they turning around?

I don't know. Bobby, do something.

No, no, no!

Papa!

Don't turn around!

Open the door!

Papi, please!

Let me in!

No! That woman brainwashed you!

Come on, come on, we're losing them!

Can't this thing go any faster?

No, it's a leisure boat, babe!

Just admit you overpaid.

Okay, okay, I overpaid!

We're never gonna catch them.

I should have sprung for the 40-footer.

I'm sorry, Kate. There's nothing I can do.

I love you, Kate!

I love you, too!

What's he doing?

Oh, my God! Whoa! That was amazing!

Man overboard!

That fool!

Take the helm!

What? Kate! Mom!

Mom! Kate.

I'm coming!

Mom! What are you doing?

What are you waiting for? Get the dinghy!

Get the dinghy, bro!

I never want to be apart from you!

I'll never let you go again!

Leonardo!

If you do this... it's over!

No turning back!

I don't care!

I love her!

Never actually been in this thing, bro.

I'll cut you off!

I swear!

So be it!

You'll be disinherited!

You won't have a penny to your name!

Not a penny?

Nothing!

You'll be a pauper!

Wait! Wait!

Let's not overreact!

We can work something out!

What if I keep the Swiss accounts?

No!

Mom! What is he doing?

I don't know!

I'm negotiating!

Kate, get in here! You're gonna drown. Come on!

And don't even think about running Montenegro Industries!

Leo!

Your sister will be in charge!

I'm humbled, Papi.

Not you.

I'm giving it to Sofia.

You left your brother for dead.

You're firing me?

You're kicking me out of the family?

Of course not.

We're putting you in charge of our charitable division.

The smelly, poor kids?!

Yep.

You're so insensitive!

Son, listen carefully.

Honey, are you coming?

This is your last chance.

What if you give me... a generous monthly stipend?

No!

This is not how I envisioned this moment.

I know. I know.

It's just that most people don't actually have to choose between love and money.

It's not easy.

How about one lump sum, held in trust--

No!

It's all or nothing!

That's your final offer?

Final!

Okay.

It's easy. I choose you.

Oye, Leo, you're giving up a lot, dude.

No one would begrudge you if you wanted to take a few minutes.

Bobby, would you stay out of this?

What? I'm just saying!

Love fades, okay? I mean, it's wonderful.

But some of the excitement goes away. Now, money...

Bobby! Shut the hell up!

You shut up, babe! Yeah! Shut the hell up!

Kate, listen.

My life was richer when I was poor with you than when I had all the money in the world.

If I jump back in the water, will you promise to kiss me this time?

Yes.

Sir, do you want to adopt me?

Go, Kate!

Ay.

A rich guy with amnesia, a big-hearted poor girl, a disapproving father, an evil sister...

Real life is better than a telenovela.

Go, Mom!

Lunches are done!

Bobby's picking me up in five.

All right. You sure you can pick up the girls from school today?

Uh, yeah. I got it.

Emily, tell him I'm coming.

Yes.

Then I'll drop Olivia at football practice, but you have to pick her up.

Colin? Hello again.

What on Earth?

Hey, come here.

What are you doing here?

I was hoping you might be in the market for a top-notch, Scottish nanny with excellent references.

You know I'd love that, but there's no way we can afford you.

Well, in fact you can, sir.

Sofia sent me back with the yacht.

She wanted to remind you it was a birthday present from your father.

The deed is in your name. It's still yours.

Oh, my God.

You mean I can sell it?

It must be worth a fortune.

Over 60 million.

Pesos?

God, no, ma'am. Dollars.

Oh.

By the power invested in me by the Royal Norwegian Navy, I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Go, Mom! Go, Mom!

Go, Dad!


Okay.

Before I toast the happy couple, let me just dispel a few rumors that have been floating around about me being cheated on.

Never happened. Okay? Not once, not ever.

There's just so much I wanna say.

But I'm not a poet.

I don't have words.

I have music.

I'm very happy for Leonardo.

You are very happy for Leonardo.

She is very happy for Leonardo.

I'm so sorry I couldn't be there to celebrate with you.

But I'm here in the Philippines, spearheading the Montenegros' Children's Education Initiative, and, oh, I've been here helping these kids have a happier, better life, and they adore me.

Right? No.

When we first met, I was the catch. Okay?

I was the football player.

I was the quarterback, all right?

She didn't even make cheerleader.

She was on the spirit squad.

When I look at Leo...

When I look at Kate...

When I look at Leo and Kate...

The words of Vito Corleone.

A wise man. A man of intelligence.

Sure, he killed many people.

But always for work... never for pleasure.

Right now, I'm backstage at the Golden Pond Retirement Home, about five minutes from curtain.

I'm playing Hodel in Fiddler on the Roof.

And I thought now was a good time to talk about allowance.

When you stab somebody for pleasure... you cut out his intestines and guts.

? Leo has the best spaghetti I ever tasted ?

I have never in all my puff been at a wedding where there's been a free bar.

Usually, at the end, the tries to settle up the bill.

And they're, "Oh, no, I didn't have it.

"I only had beer, you"

There's always a at a wedding.

Leonardo.

You're still disinherited.

But I'm still going to buy the yacht.

Not for you.

For my beautiful granddaughters.

They deserve the world.

Bobby has asked me to read a prepared statement.

"I never cheated on my husband.

"I never would.

"No woman ever would."

...you peel back the skin and muscle.

You take out the guts... the intestines... the pancreas... the kidneys and --

Anyway, congratulations to the happy couple.

Mwah! Cheers.

Mmm.

Ah!

Whoo!

Vamos de fiesta!