Ovum (2015) Script

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Release the devil my child.

Release him now!

Release the Devil my child!

Release him now!

Release the Devil my Child!

Release him now!

Was that good that time?

'Cause, like, I can do it better.

Agh.

Come on buddy.

Come on bud.

Come on.

You alright?

That was great.

Great work man.

Just a little thing I learned from Soderbergh.

Get under here, get under here!

One thing I learned from Soderbergh...do it in one take, it's always better that way.

You gotta talk to that girl, will ya?

I'll deal with it, alright?

Hey get dressed.

Stay warm, ok?

What are you doing?

Put that down, we cut!

...God...

Our leading ladies panties should be down by her pretty little ankles right about now.

Partial!

I said I'd only do PARTIAL nudity.

Well the script calls for full frontal, sweatheart.

No!

But it's completely gratuitous.

I mean, it's not even realistic.

Uh, are you kidding me?

I said I'd only show my boobs for Sam Mendes.

Well!

Thats a-fucking-parently a wrap on "Virgin Exorcism."

Let's wrap it up!

First round's on me, shit tards!

But that's not fair I was really feeling something that time, can't I at least finish the take?

I'm gonna call SAG!

This isn't even a Union project....Do you know how expensive it is to get an entire film crew out to fucking Jersey?

No nudity, no distribution.

[Music]


Calpurnia, Darling, this is Barbara, your talent agent.

Now, look darling I have an audition for you for "Sorority Scream 3."

Now the Producer is a huge fan of yours and loved you in the film ESCAPE FROM ROBOT HELL."

I know but you love all this off Broadway stuff...

You know what...

You gotta make money!

...And I gotta make money...

So...

You gotta go on these auditions, honey.

Because, If you don't go on these auditions, the phone is gonna stop ringing.

Alright?

So, call me back....ASAP.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

You know I feel like I'm working so hard on my auditions but I'm just not booking anything.

Are you sure you prepared enough?

How do you define prepared?

Well, before I perform I do a ninety minute yoga session form my physicality, then, start the Fitz Mauritz warm ups.

The ones that sound like mating pigeons? prrrr.....prrrr!

Maybe you should lay off the happy hours.

Whoa, Max.

The only reason you book so much, is because your a guy.

Do you honestly think it's easier for me?

Look at me.

Brown skin.

I get cast as terrorists, cab drivers, shopkeepers, Dunkin' Donuts employees.

OK.

Your family supports you.

What if I sacrifice everything....and I never make it?

You're twenty four.

Almost twenty five, that is like fucking thirty nine in actress years.

[music]

Maybe it's bread in the bowl, but the sound of the pipes.

The sound of the pipes is.....

You suck!

I want to see a real show!

This may not be Broadway, honey, but this nice young actress is doing her best.

The term is actually actor...it's gender neutral.

I mean, you wouldn't say writer-ess or doctor-ess, would you?

[sigh]

I wanna see "Spiderman!"

...."Spider-MAN!"

Listen kid, "Spiderman" got god awful reviews and it has zero artistic merit.

But if you're into Julie Taymor's general aesthetic, she's doing a production of Shakespeare downtown right now and you and your daddy should go!

You're scaring me.

So how was work?

God awful!

Really?

I thought you were playing some kind of princess or something?

No!

A dead French Irish made with an accent.

You know I saw that thing you posted, that little clip, on the Facebook.

I mean you look so radiant on the screen.

I can see how it makes you happy.

I was just playing a Mormon, Dad.

Mormons are just happier than New Yorkers.

Holy shit...Dad....There's an intruder in the backyard!

Your mother has always been a free spirit.

But Dad!

You have to be kidding me right now!

I think you've benefited from her free spirit...and her creativity and her open mindedness.

Do you think if you were the daughter of bankers you would be able to go to a four year drama school?

Huh?

That cost an arm and a leg?

None of this is relevant!

Darling!

Oh, look at you!

Oh, honey, you should really launder your dress.

Fake blood tends to stain.

What did they use...corn syrup or chocolate?

I've always preferred the Hitchcock recipe myself.

Mom, I saw you out there.

Oh, nothing to be alarmed by honey!

The true form of the middle age woman has always been underdepicted in mainstream cinema Roger Ebert 1987.

Honey there's nothing wrong with anybody's body at anytime!

It's a marvelous site, even when our tits are no longer up here, and have dropped down to here, here, here!

Mom!

That's so not cool.

God!

When did you become such a Puritan?

Doesn't suit you one bit.

Dad, tell her!

Tell her that normal people don't just strip outside for the whole world to see....

You could of been, you could of been....

Oh go ahead and finish your sentence because I am captivated.

You could have been raped!

[Laughing]

I could have been dancing!

I was just gathering ingredients....God.

Look, if anybody needs me I need to make a deposit in the restroom...so um...

Gross, Daddy, gross!

You still look good.

Hey Daddy pfft pfft pfft.

Gross.

I don't think Ms. Prissy pants likes us very much, Mommy.

That's ok my pickled friends, you can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar!

...because there's already enough vinegar in this kitchen!


[animal sounds]

One of you just went to the slaughter house!

A calf just died.

[sad animal sounds]

Ok Sarah, nice.

Tim, nice.

[animal sounds]

Alright everyone take your seats.

Acting, is the most personal of our crafts.

The makeup of a human being.

The physical, mental, and emotional habits, influence the acting.

Who said this?

Tim.

Lee Strasberg!

And what did Mr. Strasberg mean by saying "the most personal of the crafts."

I think he meant that who we are as people influences the characters that we play.

If we don't walk in their shoes, how can we possibly expect to reveal their inner lives.

. That's rich coming from a young actress who routinely dares to show up late to my master class with her lines half learned.

I'm actually off book.

And what deranged animal are you attempting to emulate?

A molting sandhill water crane...

Why not merely lay an egg instead of making a spectacle, Ms. Dillon.

Acting is not showing, it is being!

We must lay eggs with our souls.

If you had been on time with our peers, you would have known that we're cattle today.

If you want your work to resonate, you need to develope discipline and focus.

This goes for all of you.

You need talent to manage your talent.

Dismissed.

How did I know I would be expecting you?

Look, you need life experience.

In your scene work I see an actress who desperately wants to cry but has nothing to cry about.

Instead of a character fighting desperately to keep her composure....it's false.

When you came to me with the fire in your belly, fresh from Tisch, just so serious and

hungry for the work, it's a damn shame.

I've let you down.

I'm afraid that failing to live up to one's potential is a cliche for a reason.

This isn't unique.

But what can I do?

All I can tell you is that you were drawn to this work for a reason.

If you can rediscover what that was then maybe you can rekindle that flame and stop wasting valuable time.

If not, then maybe this isn't the path for you.

[tribal music]

Huh, hah!, hua, hah!

Why do you probe?

Huahh!!

All men make mistakes!

ooooaaaaahh!

[cries]

What the...

[applause]

The only hope my sister has for having a child is by using my eggs.

I can't deny her the gift of motherhood.

Oh God, this is completely attrocious over the top Neil Simon-esque garbage!

Why do you take these weirdo roles, Cal?

Theatre is dead.

All the money is in like tv shows about like, pretty zombies and milfs with meth face.

This doesn't have anything to do with money, Jennacide.

We studied method for four years not to do this shit, I mean we're artists!

Chill the eff out Dame Judy Dench

No offense, but you'd probably work way more if you spent less time studying and more time at like Pilates!

[sigh]

Speaking of selling out....How'd your most recent call back go for AT&T?

Amazeballs!

My agents at Abrams said I'm on first refusal.

That means, if I book it, I will have three national commercials out at the same time!

Amazeballs.

..become an egg donor...

Wait, did you see this!?

Wait, you're actually listening to me?

Yep.

Oh my god!

Jenna, this is the thing I was telling you about!

This is art imitating life!

This is a sign.

This means I am really meant to play this role.

I'm supposed to play this role!

Dear, First Fertility.

My name is Calpurnia Dillon.

I am a leggy, classically trained, twenty-four year old actress and I believe I would make an excellent candidate for egg donation.

I'm half Scandinavian.

I don't drink or smoke, and I am a natural red head.

Please hold.

Thank you for calling First Fertility services, please hold.


They should really get better reading material.

Who wants to read about diaper brands?

Um, prospective moms, I guess.

All these infertile old broads....God it's sick really.

I mean just go and adopt a Cambodian orphan, or something.

Um, I guess...

[laughing]

Just look at that old harpy with the fake chin!

God I bet my seed would end up in her for sure, she'd be such a drip, wouldn't let her kid date till he's like thirty-five.

I'm Calpurnia.

Ssshh!

You're not allowed to exchange names, this is all confidential.

You can call me donor #2763.

Seriously?

That's like Sci-Fi.

Pretty much.

I take it you're a virgin?

Virgin?

Hardly.

Not virgin, virgin.

Egg virgin, like, you've never hatched.

Hatched?

Wait...you're not trying to have a baby...

No!

I'm, I'm trying to be... a donor.

So, you've actually done this before?

Yep, this will be my fourth cycle.

Whoa!

Is it difficult?

Difficult?

No.

Time consuming...Yes.

For the next two months of your life, you're gonna be bloated, angsty, and neurotic.

Sort of like, PMS'ing like a bitch, but also...super horny.

But that's only if they pick you.

You don't think they'll pick me.

They're seeking like, designer eggs, you know.

This is like, the Chanel of egg clinics.

Calpurnia?

Okay "Calpurnia", if that's even your real name...

I'm Ellen.

Thanks for the advice.

My name is Fiona, the Ovum coordinator, and I will be screening you.

We're so excited here at First Fertility that you are considering the rewarding world of ovum donation.

We just have a few questions for you.

Do you have any history of depression or eating disorder in your family?

Think hard.

No.

Perhaps an uncle?

A deceased grandparent?

Schizophrenia?

Bi-polor disorder?

High blood pressure?

Low blood pressure?

Organ failure?

TMJ?

Club feet?

Don't forget to bring a copy of your social security card, passport, birth certificate, SAT scores

Highschool and college transcripts and proof of all or any awards of merit or excellence Scholarships that you may have ever received.

Don't worry about trying to sound humble.

Donors are usually outstanding leaders in their communities and they excel in every area of their lives.

I'm sure you will fit in perfectly.

We didn't finish our convo...Ellen...

What are you looking at?

Oh, um, a girl from an audition invited me to her show.

Nice, what show?

Um, It's a multimedia thing.

It's great that you're making friends.

Yeah.

Oh, I really have a headache.

Let me help you get rid of it.

You know, later, baby.

Later?

Yeah...

[sigh]

So we're gonna start with five minute poses and then we'll transition to the forty minute, longer poses.

What kind of performance is this?

This is an art class.

I always forget my shit too.

If you want, you can use my extras.

Also, don't feel squeemish about any of this, ok?

You really want to pay attention to the models lines, because lines like this put architecture to shame and she has perfect curves for this situation.


The perfect thing to draw.

The perfect thing to send armies out to war, which, they have a million times.

Ellen!

Hi!

Heyyy what's up?

How are you?

I'm good how are you?

I'm good, I'm alright, yeah.

Ellen?

Hey!

I met you at the "Eggs" casting?

You invited me to your show.

Yeah.

I remember.

I, uhh, I can't believe you actually came.

Well you were great.

[laughing]

You were great?

You were really great.

Thank you.

Very much.

I'm gonna catch up with you guys in like ten minutes.

Ok so look, nobody here knows about the egg clinic, so..I wanna keep it that way.

Shit.

It's okay.

I'm as stiff as a mother fucker and could use a drink.

So let me just go deal with these bitches and I will see you at the Cubby Hole in twenty.

Yeah!

What's your poison?

Oh, I actually already have a drink.

No, I mean what are you drinking.

Um...rum and coke, but...

Rum and coke?

You're cute.

Guess who!?

Donor #2780 Sixty three but nice fucking try, excuse me.

Nice place.

Yeah, I thought that you would like it.

It seems like something that you would totally be into.

So, how long have you been doing art modeling?

Oh I don't know a couple years.

God the look on your face was priceless.

I didn't think you'd remember me.

I didn't think you'd show up.

I could never do what you did up there.

What the whole naked part?

Yeah.

Yet you think you have what it takes to be a donor?

I don't see how they're related.

Uh, dude, it's way more invasive, ok.

Have they had you make your list of every blowie you've ever given?

They actually have you make a list of every partner you've ever had and yes, one nighters count.

No way.

Yeah, and then they're going to be shoving this weird spatula thing right up your twat and constantly taking body fluids.

What they told me, it just didn't sound that bad.

What they said!?

What kind of perfect peachy magical little sheltered world do you live in where just everyone automatically tells you the truth all the time?

Dude, it fucking is tough on your body, ok?

I mean, they don't know the long term effects of half the shit they're pumping into us.

Like that one drug, Lupon, it puts you into an early state of menopause.

No.

Way.

Yeah.

It's true, look that shit up.

Well if it's so bad then how come you've done it?

Look, I'm a model I mean my career is basically over by the time I'm thirty anyway.

The way I look at it is it's just one more toxic thing I've put into my body, ok.

Everything is bad for you!

Caffeine, red wine, hallucinogenics...

That is so fatalistic!

[belch]

[laughing]

I might as well make a bunch of money off my body while it's still hot, right?

How many times have you done it?

Two?

Three.

Ok, right, three.

Yeah you can do it up to six.

I'm half way through, kid.

Why only six?

Ok there's two schools of thought here.

One...The FDA decided to cap the amount of exposure to hormones that us donors are allowed to protect our health.

Or they're just trying to avoid the potential pandemonium that could ensue if a girl like me decided to donate like a hundred times creating a fucking army of unsuspecting half siblings, just like, running around NYC having all sorts of accidental incestuous solicit affairs.

Sick!

Yeah.

You know I'm only doing this for character research.

Really?

Yeah!

That is a new one!

I haven't heard that one yet...

No really, umm, I am a method actor.

I'm preparing for a role.

Oh shit!

I'm sorry.

Dude watch where the fuck you're going!

I'm just really clumsy, I'm sorry.

No look man, you were just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Hold still.

You look fucking hot.

I...

Really hot.

..have a boyfriend.

Another round?

I would..but I have an egg meeting at 8am, so..I should go.

Ok.

Word for the wise, they're going to give you a surprise drug test any day now so lose the adderall.

I don't know what you're talking about.

[laughing]

You're only lying to yourself.

Height?

5' 4"

People think I'm taller because of the long arms.

Weight?

One ten.

What do your parents do, Katheryn?

My father teaches Spanish to kids, and my mother teaches feminist studies...

She's rather untraditional.

Do you get along with your parents?

Extremely well, my dad's like my best friend but we have boundaries I mean he had rules for me and everything growing up, but yeah he's cool.

Why do you really want to be an oocyte donor?

You're doing this for the money I suppose, acting can't pay too well.

No, actually, I just think I'm in such a selfish career and it would be good to give back. and you know, I'm healthy and stuff.

These are very good photos.

I have baby pictures too, if you'd prefer those.

Listen now, lady.

Normally an applicant's files would be placed in our giant database of other qualified donors who often wait months, years, to be selected by an interested couple.

Many of them are never chosen, but it may be very different in your case.

Everyone likes a pretty girl, and everyone likes an actress.

Thank you.

Oh...Here it is.

Do you have any questions?

Um, yeah, I do....but they're actually for the writer if that's ok.

What can I help you with?

I know my character, Sandy, intends to be an oocyte donor but I wonder if at this point in the story she's already been approved as her twin sisters husbands um, compatible match?

Because sometimes twin sisters share similar abnormalities like Fragile X syndrome or a general abnormality of the chromosome.

Wow, you're incredibly prepared.

Thank you.

I believe preparation is an actors best friend.

Hey, Beautiful.

I got a call back!!

That's wonderful!

So the reviews came out today and...

So do you know that you can get ten thousand dollars to sell your eggs?

No, I didn't.

My character ends up having this beautiful moment at the end of the second act where she has this wicked breakdown because she ends up donating her eggs to help her infertile twin sister.

Didn't you just say donors receive ten thousand dollars in compensation?

How's that a donation?

But nine thousand girls do it every single year.

I think the whole industry is pretty despicable.

Selling your body?

I didn't know you were so conservative about reproductive rights....

So did you actually read The Times today or...

Oh shit.

Your review.

You know, I wouldn't take what Ben Brantley said to heart.

You know he can be incredibly harsh...

They loved me, Cal.

They did?

Jesus, don't sound so surprised.

I'm not surprised!

That's...awesome.

"Every now and then a performance strikes an indelible nerve with an unsuspecting audience.

Max Singh's daring and volatile turn as a disenfranchised Creon transcends...

That's really, really wonderful.

I know you hated it.

Michaela said you were glaring at her after the show the other night.

Michaela?

That is so not true.

You didn't even congratulate me.

Jealousy isn't becoming, Cal.

I'm not jealous!

I just thought you might have told me beforehand that you were going to be sucking on another girls tits on stage, that's all.

It's a difficult play.

Ben Brantley thought what I did was brave.

I don't need my own girlfriend undermining me.

I'm not going to censor myself because of your insecurity.

As the final part of your physical health inspection you need to meet Dr. Acker from the fertility department.

Hi Doctor.

Are you a natural red head?

Owe, uh, I am...I just had a Brazilian so you can't really tell right now.

Do you want me to pee in both of these?

Actually we'll also be requiring a fecal sample.

...Oh.

We've just received the results from your recent blood work.

You were tested for over one hundred genetic diseases and we wanted to congratulate you on coming back negative on everything.

This is incredibly rare.

Awesome.

So when do I start?

Well there are still a few more steps before we can begin the actual matching process.

You'll be given a thousand question psychological evaluation and if you pass that, then you'll get to meet with our lovely psychologist.

You're very thorough.

Well, Kathryn, we realize that this is a time consuming process but this is the first step towards making someones dream come true.

You truly have the power to change a life.

You'll be timed.

It's so lovely to meet you doctor.

I will determine that.

I'm going to get right to the point.

Your personality profile questionnaire revealed some real red flags.

Red flags?

I don't understand.

These tests reveal you have a rebellious personality streak that could cause difficulties at this clinic if you are selected.

There must be some mistake...

Your test results indicate that you are mentally incapable of accurate self assessment.

Which of course renders you ineligible to donate on the basis of extremely low I.Q.

Excuse me?

More likely, you were lying on the test.

What are you trying to hide?

I wasn't lying.

Or...the test could potentially reveal someone who is so inflexible in her belief system and her personal goals has a margin for zero deviance from self discipline and no allowance for personal failure.

Someone extraordinary....which I hardly think applies to you.

Mom....coffee...

No, I don't want any.

Why not?

I don't know what's in that.

I'm pretty sure it's certified organic.

Certified organic...isn't that the oldest trick in the book?

Are you ok?

I don't need hand outs.

I'm a respected professor I'll have you know.

I'm a leader in the community!

Mom, Please, mom sit down.

Stop, this woman is trying to poison me!

Someone help me, please!

Please!

She's trying to poison me!

Mom!

You're ok.

We're ok.

No one's trying to poison you.

I know that.

Ok.

Shit.

You! are forty-five minutes late!

You're fired!

No...Carl...I Turn in your apron.

Turn in the duster, come on!

No.

Go.

You're fired.

What did you do?

Can you at least try to be a little sympathetic?

Sorry, Cal.

We had creative differences.

What are we going to do?

I'm going to call Burke and see if he's casting.

That sleazy director you fucked?

Please stop.

He still wants you...imagining you with that beard.

Why don't you just ask your parents to help you out?

I can't.

My dad just has too much on his plate right now.

She's getting worse, Max.

Why haven't we talked about this?

I don't know, I mean, maybe it's fine.

Maybe she's just...Maybe she's going to get better!

She will get better.

Everything will work itself out, it always does.

Or maybe I'm like her.


Congratulations.

I booked it?

As the understudy.

I mean it's really up to you whether you want to take this or not, but you're taking yourself out of pilot season, you know that don't you?

Maybe somebody will come to see it.

You're playing Sandy?

Uh yeah, apparently.

That's cool.

Congrats.

Uh, yeah.

I don't think we've been properly introduced.

I'm your understudy.

The tide pool should never be mistaken for the tidal wave.

The Atlantic ocean is not the Pacific.

I'm Kelly Cole And people call me Kelly Cole.

Welcome to first rehearsal for my superior play, "Acorn's Wish."

Turn to page three.

It all started on a hot June night.

I have good news.

You have been matched.

Seriously?

Yes, but, this would be a little bit different than what we previously discussed.

This would be what we call an open donation.

So it would no longer be anonymous.

That sounds really complicated.

I think that you should consider this.

You would be working with a very high profile figure within your field.

Really?

Is she like a casting director or something?

She's a very well known actress, Kathryn.

Like, D list actress?

She's a household name.

You must be Calpurnia Have a seat.

You're beautiful!

Oh nonsense, child.

I've been at a producer's meeting all day.

I'm a mess.

You're back on broadway right!?

Oh my god I probably shouldn't say anything I mean I'm sure it's all strictly confidential.

Well if you can read about it on TMG or whatever that heinous celebrity stalking site is called then it's hardly private.

It's a revival that Mike Nichols is doing for the Roundabout.

That's incredible!

I'm...your...hysterical arm flapping is giving me anxiety would it be too much to ask if you would just sit on your hands. just for a second?

Oh..I'm sorry...

My acting teacher always tells me to stop with the shadow movements.

You're an actress?

The agency failed to inform me that you're an actress They told me you were Canadian with a good education.

No, I'm all of those things.

I'm also an actress, but i'm incredibly serious about my craft.

I'm at Strasberg, studying the Method.

Just like you!

Is Freddy still there?

No, he retired but his protege Barnard is my teacher.

Oh, is that so.

Yes.

Oh, but I mean.

Hmm.

I played Imogen when I was just twenty four.

It was my first lead at Lincoln Center.

Oh my God, I'm twenty four and I'm playing Imogen for an acting class right now!

Look, you know why your here.

I'm sure that the agency made you sign those...forms.

But I need to assure you that we have an unparalleled legal team...

Of course...

...with zero tolerance for confidentiality breaches so lets just drop the "All About Eve" shit.

Shall we?

Everything that I tell you is off the record.

Of course, I promise.

Look, I...

I would like to have a baby and the agency told me that I should go with an anonymous donor, as is customary.

But that would require me to trust their judgement in selecting an appropriate candidate.

I think I'm an excellent judge of character.

It served me well in my career and I can't imagine that this would be much different.

Besides...absolute discretion...

I'm looking for a girl that reminds me of myself when I was young....er.

You're clearly uninhibited, and a bit course.

But beneath it all I can see a hunger for success.

And a passion for our work.

Is that correct?

Yes!

Well then the decision has been made.

Franciose!

I'll have a Chateau Haut-Brion and a sparkling water for the young lady.

Thank you!

[laughing]

Oh, uh, are you free tomorrow?

There's just one more thing.

Of course!

And turn back...

Ok, so, one tattoo.

No piercings?

No.

You have good teeth and great hair...so...Ok.

I think that will be enough.

Harold can show you to the door.

Thank you.

And her creepy assistant watched?

Yep!

That can't possibly be ok.

Are they offering you more money for any of this?

You're missing the point, Jennacide, she has an Oscar.

Well then she can like, afford more than ten grand for a baby.

She's a bajillionaire.

But she lost a ton of money when she was dropped by UNICEF as their spokes person because she said that insensitive thing about poor people on Conan.

I still don't get why she picked you.

No offense.

Look!

She wants artistic eggs!

I don't think that's genetic, Purn.

Whatever, look, I supported your spawn.

You need to support mine.

In vitro fertilization is not in God's plan.

It's not too late to be saved!

Um...God doesn't like eavesdroppers either.

So, my character has this really interesting thing where she has to like inject herself with these crazy hormones, twice a day.

Which of course is really tough on your body.

And it makes you like really emotionally disturbed, you know?

I mean in the script.

I still cannot fathom why you'd want to play such a weak minded character.

It's disgusting.

How can you invest in someone like that?

It's just fictional, ok, so you can just drop it.

You'll take the two apps of Menopur and the 150 IU'S of Gonal F in the morning and the 10 IU's of Lupron at night to be taken subcutaneously, obviously Subcutaneously?

By needle.

You'll be using these.

Now, you'll take these at the exact same time.

Eight in the morning, nine in the evening.

Do you understand?

Yes, but what if I have an audition?

No exceptions.

You may experience nausea, bloating, fatigue, migraines.

You still have to come in everyday for blood work.

If you alter the times of the injections at all or god forbid miss a single injection the entire process will fail, the client will have lost $35,000, and you will be liable.

I won't mess this up.

Now, you go ahead.

Try it.

Like that?

You're dead.

What about now?

In a coma.

Paralyzed.

Don't look at me like that.

Just keep practicing.

You know, I was a donor once too.

Seriously?

Seriously.

So like, do you have kids of your own now?

After I donated it was as if my body felt that I had already reproduced My clock stopped ticking Just remember...you can't smoke, drink, or work out.

Absolutely no sex. ok.


Yeah, I mean, I was warned a million times "Don't date actresses" they'll make you lose your damn mind.

But what about the talented ones?

Even worse, man.

Even worse.

Burke, how lovely to see you!

Oh, darling!

How are you?

Do you know Rob Wyle?

Rob is my producing partner.

Rob's doing my next big feature.

It's a dynamite satire I just developed at Sundance Lab.

That's incredible.

If you ever need a girl my age, I would love to-

Yeah, we're in discussions with Greta Gerwig and Zoe Kazan.

Wow.

Oh I am so rude, Rob, this is....What's your name again sweetheart?

Calpurnia Dylan.

Are you an intern at Plebeian Pictures?

No!

Actually I just starred in Burke's most recent zombie flick.

Dude, you're slummin' and making fucking horror flicks?

God, no.

I used the horror genre to illuminate the marginalization of the migrant female sex

worker.

Fuckin' brilliant.

Thanks, bro.

Wow, that's interesting because I vividly remember you saying you just wanted to do a horror movie with lots of tits and a sweet pay check.

Yeah, Capernica here, is our little resident scream queen.

She goes to Comicon, everything.

She's got a little cult following.

It's adorable.

No, I'm actually focusing on the classical roles.

Yeah, I'm gonna be right back, so...


One second!

I'm coming!

Ok...

Uh, I think you dropped something.

Eww...disgusting.

Junky.

No, it's actually a medical thing.

It really is a medical thing.

You selling coke, too?

Unfortunately...Michaela is out sick.

Calpurnia will take over the part of Sandy until she has returned.

Oh, I don't need it.

You're off book?

Yes.

Completely?

We'll be working on act two.

I'm off book, I think an actor should always be prepared.

Whatever.

Everyone go to act two, and go to the scene where Sandy gives her sister the ultimate gift.

Now....action.

What!?

What!?

I just think it's not realistic.

I mean at this point Sandy would have been on the drugs...

No, no, no, no just don't.

Just say the words that are on the page.

Ok, but I just think that if you've ever been on Lupron this character wouldn't at this point actually...

Look, no, stop.

Stop thinking.

You're an actor...fucking act.

I feel like I just can't do anything right in rehearsal.

Which doesn't make any sense at all because I'm definitely sacrificing more than anyone else is there.

And then, the other day at rehearsal, Michaela actually asked our director if a surrogate

is the one who gives the eggs and I was like "No!

That's an egg donor..."

Hah!

You're like, not the director, Purn.

Right, but I know what I'm actually talking about.

I mean I'm actually living my role, I mean, my character's life.

That may be true, but it's her role.

There are other parts....

Hey!

My agent is casting for an Emma Stone stand-in for her new movie!

Really!?

You can like, book that shit!

I can totally do that.

I'm sure it pays pretty well, too...

When are they seeing people?

I think they're seeing people on Tuesday and Wednesday morning.

Nooo.

I have to be at the egg clinic every morning this week.

I thought acting was your first priority?

Jenna, this is acting.

I just convinced an entire corporation that I'm a model fucking citizen And, I out acted an Academy Award winner.

That's acting talent.


Ellen?

Heeeyy...

Wow, what's up?

What are you doing?

Look...

Dude, you're bleeding hardcore!

You need to go to the emergency room.

Ahh, that's actually against donor protocol.

Besides, the clinic said I'll be fine, supposedly.

Were you joking the other night when you told me you were doing this for research?

No, I actually am.

I'm Daniel Day-Lewis'ing this shit.

Ok, there is a meeting, an event, and we're going right now.

No, I'm Carrie'd out.

Come on.

Hi!

I'm Dalilah, and I see some wonderful new faces here today.

Welcome.

Let's begin!

God, grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change

The courage to change the things we can And the wisdom to know the difference.

You brought me to AA?

I am not the one who needs an intervention here!

Egg Donors Anonymous.

Let's begin by introducing ourselves.

Ellen, four timer.

Um, Hi, I'm Amy.

My second eggstraction is next week.

We'll be sending your womb positive energy.

Yay, Amy!

Elsa, second time donor.

It's good to be here!

I'm Jenny.

I am about to start my third and final cycle.

Thank fuck...

I'm Dana.

So, I started with the eggs, two cycles, but it felt like I sort of wanted to give more

you know?

Last summer I became a surrogate, which was pretty sweet.

Everyone in my life thought I had lost my mind and looked at me like I was a teen mom on the F train.

But it was so rad!

I got to carry someone's baby!

I'm...Kathryn.

I'm in the middle of my first cycle right now, and it's going pretty well so far.

Kathryn?

Hi, I'm Candice.

Nine time donor.

Um, I have what's called high capacity ovaries, so, like, thirty two eggs.

um, twenty nine the last time, thirty seven is my personal record.

I needed the money, um, I didn't want to be a stripper, and I wanted to focus on my career

so it seemed like the only choice.

Um, knowing that you're giving life can....

It helped me through it.

But, sometimes it's like, my body, just like...can't keep up.

I feel like a factory animal.

Yaaaayyyy!

Pheww, breathe it out.

Yes, yes!

Ancient aboriginal woman used to hold this sacred pose during their menses and just bleed freely into the Earth to offer it nourishment.

Oh yeah!

Dance with me!


I can't...

I think you can...

Max...


[horse noises]

[laughing]

Cute.

What time is it?

Two-thirty.

What time is it exactly!?

Two thirty-six.

Fuck!

I have something I have to do right now!

It's alright, baby.

It's Sunday, no auditions, relax.

You're acting really weird.

What's going on with you?

I'm just, I'm really stressed about the show, ok?

Baby, I'm really really tired, ok?

You've been tired everyday for the last few weeks, relax.

Look, I said no.

I'm just really stressed about the show, ok?

Later.

I don't know what you're going through but if you refuse to talk to me, I can't help you.

When you're ready to be honest about what's really going on, I'll be here.

Ok.

So, how are you handling the medication induced mood swings?

Pretty well but then again people in my line of work tend to be pretty dramatic.

Hmm.

You have very precocious ovaries.

Well, thanks, I guess.

Everything is looking great.

You see those?

Those lumpy, globby things?

Yes, those are your ovaries.

They're responding very well to the Brevel.

Pretty soon it's gonna feel like you're carrying around a dozen ripe naval oranges, inside of you.

Isn't that something?

Hot flashes.

Head aches.

Vaginal dryness.

Mood swings.

Decreased interest in sex.

Depression and or the occurrence of forgetfulness.

Weight gain.

Additionally, If the donor overstimulates she may run the risk of ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome.

Severe cases of this syndrome may result in death.

[German]

I'm sorry sweetie.

What he's trying to say is "We're going to remove your womb!"

[scream]

Did I miss my egg appointment or something?

No, but I wanted to speak with you directly.

Isabella has made a rather unique request of you.

She wants you to write a letter to your ovum.

Like, a "Dear, Spawn...." letter?

Something that the prospective child can read on it's 18th birthday.

That's really intense, uhh, I'll see what I can do.

Ok?

Dear, Spawn.

Today is your 18th birthday.

Which means that I must be like mega old now.

I just want to let you know that I didn't just do this for the paycheck.

It was actually a cool acting exercise which is kind of rad when you think about it.

Hopefully by the time you read this I'm actually super famous.

Honestly, I do hope you're having a good life and that Isabella isn't a crazy stage mom.

That's it?

Yeah, do you think I should add something to the end of the monologue?

Yeah, I think that you can do better than that.

Really?

You hate it.

I mean it's just, it's a little, like, cold and impersonal, isn't it?

Well, I, I'm not a writer.

Yeah, ok.

Your turn.

Oh!

Yes!

I won!

How!?

How!?

This is the face of a mother.

Fucking.

Winner.

Fine, you win.

I'm a master.

Fucking say it!

Say it!

You're a master!

Your a master!

Say it again!

Fucking master, say it!

You're a master!

[ringing]

That is my egg alarm I gotta go take my shot, right now!

Can I give you your shot?

Ok...

I'm your fucking master, remember?

Fine, fine, fine!

Where is it?

The drugs are in there.

You stay right there.

Don't worry.

I've done this, like, a million times.

It's totally fine.

Really, we're just gonna see if you trust me.

Hold still.

Lift that little leg up.

Very nice.

Gentle.

Are you ready?

Yes.

One, two...

Oww!!!!

Holy shit, that felt fucking great!!

Oh that was the worst, ever.

Oh my god!

Fuck!

Please tell me you're gonna have more than that.

I mean I read this alarming piece in the post about these Hollywood woman that go on these starvation diets.

It's not healthy for you.

I'm hardly starving myself.

Chill.

Yeah well your mother and I worry about you.

I mean I read that thing that you posted on your blog a couple of weeks ago about being turned away from being a blood donor because you're anemic?

I mean you really need to eat more red meat.

That was a performance piece, it wasn't like, literal.

But you know, you're starting to look pale.

You know your mother and I think you just sacrifice a little too much for all this.

I'm ok, Dad.

I told you.

Dad, do you think that what Mom has is genetic?

Oh my goodness, no.

Look she's just been under a little stress and we both decided she's gonna take a little time off from teaching for a while...

Oh my god.

No, she got fired, didn't she!

No, what did she do this time?

Did she like, show a student her tits?

Don't talk about your mother like that.

The school administration decided, and we agreed, that she's just gonna take a little time off.

You know she's been teaching for twenty-five years?

I mean that's a huge accomplishment!

Just, think of it as a long overdue vacation.

You know her and I were talking about going on a second honeymoon.

You know, it's a good time.

Daddy, I actually miss her.

Like, the way she used to be.

I thought they said that they were just gonna like, adjust her hormones and she'd be fine.

Things are gonna be ok.

They are.

Hypothetically, is being schizo like always a genetic thing?

If I were to have a child...

Wait, I thought you never wanted to have kids?

Look, I don't even want to go there Katheryn.

But, humor me, please?

I..I don't want to talk about this.

This is really important to me.

Look, there's no reason to be embarrassed about having mental illness in the family.

You know, if somebody had cancer, you wouldn't judge them.

This is no different.

Look, there is something I do think you need to know.

I mean, you're much too young to really remember your grandmother.

But your mother's mother had the same thing.

Look, Honey, I'm sorry.

I gotta go to the bathroom, I ...

Please!

Chateau Margot.

Sparkling water.

Thank you.

Well, cheers.

From one actress to another, I know you haven't been completely honest with those morons over at First Fertility.

Tell me three lies that you told them.

I actually haven't....

Look, if you're truthful and cooperative, I might be able to help you out a little bit.

I know of a very good junior agent at William Morris that would be very excited if I told him that I was terribly close to a talented young actress that reminds me of a young Ann Margret.

You'd do that for me?

Of course!

For the genetic mother of my unborn child?

Anything.

Well...You know I'm not a natural redhead after the other day...

And...I may have photoshopped my SAT scores on the application I gave you.

What were they?

Well, they really were that high with English, but with math...500.

Anything else?

I was seasonally bulimic during acting school.

Eh...so you had discipline.

I thought this was going to be far worse.

No, I think I'm actually like, a pretty well adjusted girl.

I mean except for during like my dark periods.

You're prone to depression!?

I specifically asked those imbecile drones at First Fertility...I wanted them to weed out all applicants that had any sign of a mental disorder.

No, I actually don't mean that.

I just mean, like, I get sad or whatever when I lose out on roles, which, is pretty much all the time.

But, I mean, that's just normal.

That's just human, right?

I know of no such thing.

There's a reason I'm so successful, Katheryn.

I have talent!

And then she said, that's just called having discipline.

Gross.

God...some mom she's gonna be.

Do you feel bad about having to hand over your spawn to that witch?

Hmm, no, because I just don't think she's a bad person deep down.

And do you know how good her connections are gonna be for that little sprout?

Nepotism is everything in Hollywood.

I kind of wish she'd adopt me.

You are a sick puppy.

You're assuming this thing is even going to want to become an actor.

Well with our gene pool it just doesn't really stand a chance.

Oh my god, did I tell you I went through Isabella's iPhone, and the first two numbers were Al Gore and Al Pacino.

Jesus Christ, why are you snooping through her stuff?

That is a complete invasion of privacy.

What privacy?

This is the same woman that made me strip for her.

Are you ok?

Yeah, not really.

I...got a call from the clinic...

Oh my god are you going to be donating with me!?

How awesome would that be!

Look I didn't want to scare you, but I have cysts...on my ovaries.

And, uh, Dr. Rabinowitz says that my anti mullerian hormone levels are way lower than

they should be.

Well what does that mean?

Yeah, I didn't know what the fuck he was talking about either, but basically my ovaries are prematurely aging from the meds and I have a diminished egg count.

But that's impossible, I mean you're like a super donor.

There are woman in this city carrying your eggs as we speak.

Yeah, I know, that's what I told him, and that the first clinic that screened me must have made a mistake.

He said I'm...he said I'm pretty much infertile now.

But like, you're only twenty-six...

Only a baby.

That's what he fucking said to me.

That, this shouldn't have happened to someone like me.

You should sue!

Yeah, cause that would do any good.

A broke chick versus a billion dollar industry.

Good odds!

They would just try to destroy my reputation.

I am a nude, fucking, model.

Ok, some reliable source...

Besides!

He said they're not even liable.

That, it must have been something I was born with.

I mean, we have signed away all of our rights.

No, he's lying.

I mean, you were perfectly fine before you did this.

I know that.

I have no way to prove it.

Listen, Cal.

I don't think you should go through with this.

You should just tell them that you changed your mind.

They can't legally force you to finish the job.

I promised Isabella.

Do you actually think these surrogates give a fuck about us?

We're just the donors, ok?

No more, no less.

We're the product.

They use us, and then they pay us for our services.

Do not delude yourself, princess.

But what if I'm using her as much as she's using me.

Oh yeah?

Isabella said she'd set me up with a meeting with WME.

I'll believe that when I see it.

Look, I may have lied about a few things on the application.

My mother, she's mentally...she's sick.

Certifiably?

Well....

Ok then it doesn't fucking count!

We all have a couple black marks on our family history.

My aunt had kidney failure and they still accepted me.

Yeah, but I take a lot of Adderall, and...I mean I don't have a problem or anything like that...

Right.

Look, I know it's kind of against the rules.

But do you want to just have one drink with me?

[music]


[ringing]


Oh, fuck.

Are you feeling ok, Kathryn?

Yeah, no I am.

I'm just really tired and stressed and my show goes into tech tonight, and...

I just don't know if it's a very good show, you know?

And Isabella keeps on, like, asking me these like really difficult things.

Don't move.

Ok.

Fucking hell...

Oh, I'm just here to see Isabella...

[crying]

What's that noise?

She's in one of her moods...

Ok well I'm just here to pick a pouch.

[crying]

I'm sorry...

You're not supposed to see me like this!

I can come back...

Oh, come in child you're already here.

For god's sake...

I'm...

I just want this to work.

What?

You!

This!

May I help you with this?

I'm becoming kind of an expert with all the injections.

I normally have my physician administer this, but I thought that today I would try it myself and I was assured that it was very simple...

They told me that too...may I?

You must think I'm terribly pathetic.

A forty-six year old woman who can't even administer her own IVF medication.

I've waited my whole life for this child and now it's too late.

I actually have to go to rehearsal right now, we're in tech...

I was pregnant once, you know?

You were?

I was twenty-nine years old.

We were doing that Polanski film in Spain, and...

When I found out I had miscarried I was beyond devastated.

My publicist said it was for the best, that there was Oscar buzz about my role in Cameo

and that there would be other opportunities.

Life is about the choices that you make, and I have made some colossal mistakes.

But I'll never regret the work.

The great films!

Yes, those, but mainly the stage.

I think I was most fulfilled and inspired when I was doing the classical work.

On the stage.

Then why didn't you do more Broadway?

I mean you could have done anything.

But I didn't!

Listen to me!

When I miscarried seventeen years ago I knew I had lost something precious.

But I just continued to go about my life and continued to pursue my professional life and I thought that I would have time for the family dreams later.

And one day I woke up, and that window of opportunity was gone.

It was a huge mistake to do this.

I would be a horrible mother and we both know it.

When I found out about the procedure, I thought that I had found a miracle.

I never thought that I would be able to carry a child.

I just, I never thought....

I know you can do this Isabella...

Oh please just stop!

You're gonna be an incredible mother!

Just stop!

[beep]

Kathryn, we received some extremely troubling news today.

Your routine blood work came back testing positive for cocaine.

This is obviously in direct breach of your donor contract and Ms. West has notified us that she will no longer be requesting your services.

Your cycle has been terminated.

Yeah, uh...It's Kelly Cole.

Where the fuck are you?

Dress rehearsal is happening right, fucking, now.

You're fired.

[knocking]

One sec...

One second!

Max, one second.

I needed you, and you weren't there!

I know what you've been hiding, Cal.

I found this.

It's not what you think!

Yeah, sure.

It's not...Max...

I was fired from my show.

Good.

Max, no.

I need you.

I can't watch you destroy your life like this.

Look, I just kissed Ellen once.

You're fucking joking, right?

Look, I'm so fucking sorry.

The fuck's wrong with you?

No!

I'm so fucking sorry!

Is it never enough for you?

You think I'm an idiot?

Am I not worthy of your honesty?

You're fucking decency?

No, no Max it's way too far.

How?

I wanted to be talented, just like you and Isabella...And we couldn't have sex because of the eggs, because there was a contract.

What contract?

Stop blaming everyone for the failings of your life, Calpurnia.

Did it mean anything with this...girl?

I don't know.

Was your little acting experiment worth losing me?

No, baby...look if I could do the whole thing over again.

You'd do it all over again, wouldn't you.

Yeah you fucking would.

Max...Max please....

Max!!!

Oh my god, it stinks in here.

That was the best part!

How did you get in?

The door was unlocked, Sherlock.

Look, you need to fix your life.

Starting with a much needed shower.

Max left me.

And you failed a drug test.

Boo fucking hoo.

How do you know that?

The donor pool is smaller than you think, ok.

You can salvage this, Cal.

Have you tried to speak to Isabella yet?

She won't answer any of my emails.

And so you just gave up?

Cause, that's not the fiery red head that I met two months ago that wouldn't take no for an answer.

What happened to that bitch?

I don't know, I don't know.

Look, I think that if you corner that broad and admit that you made a mistake she might take you back.

She's got a lot more to lose than you do.

She spent forty fucking grand buying your seed.

Ok?

So you need to get up off your ass, make up some sob story, and go fix this shit!

What if she won't believe me?

You're an actress, ok?

Make her believe you.

I can do that.

But, you just don't know how much she wants that baby.

I'm so sorry.

Have you stopped taking your drugs yet?

I was gonna stop taking them tonight.

Ok, well then technically you can still hatch those little suckers.

Ellen...

Yeah?

Thank you.

Yeah.

Dear, Spawn.

Isabella?

Isabella?

Oh for God's sake...

Please, please.

Stop making a scene.

Oh for God sake.

No, Isabella please...

Listen to me!

Look I'm really, really sorry about the drug test.

Look I was young once too it's not like I never did a drug, but you and I had a deal.

I know but I called the clinic and they said that even though what I did was bad, really bad, it won't effect the quality of the egg!

Please!

Please, please, please listen to me!

Dear Spawn, When I responded to a serendipitous casting call I didn't know what was missing from my life.

But this turned out to be a very different sort of call, a call for change, a call for rebirth in a way.

On a whim I'd signed up for an acting opportunity, I'm not going to lie, dear spawn, the truth is I've lied a whole lot in my life, but from such a humble start a seed can grow.

A single egg, because when you give up a part of yourself, you find the part that you've

always been searching for.

Meeting you, Isabella has changed my life, and I'll never go back to who I was before.

By giving you this egg I know that you can give it all the things that I was never given.

And I just want to give you this part of me.

Please.

Now that's acting.

I'm not acting.

Exactly.

You're gonna be an incredible mother.

The recipient will take the final trigger shot of human growth hormone exactly thirty-five hours prior to the retrieval to insure that the patient will ovulate on the operating table.

The timing of the injection is critical to the success of the cycle.

Your anesthesiologist is ready for you Kathryn.

Can you tell him I have an uber low pain threshold and I'm going to need lots and lots of drugs?

You're going to be fine.

Your surgeon performs roughly four hundred retrievals every year.

You're in good hands.

Just sign here.

I want you to count to ten for me, ok?

Ok.

One, two, three...

Do you know how they actually remove the eggs?

First, they insert a giant needle through my pussy Slice right through the vaginal wall, and then, with the use of a laser, they remove my engorged, hormonally inflated, genetically modified ovum out of my safe little haven in my warm secure womb And they rip them out!

One by one.

My whoa-hah closes up when I talk about this...

She likes the idea of helping another womb do her thing.

But now that she's been prodded and prepared and is about to be probed for the final time, she wants to pull the plug!

All I need to do is lie back on this alternate reality casting couch, or operating table, and let them take a part of me.

Because everyone loves a pretty girl, and everyone loves an actress.

Kathryn?

Kathryn?

Everything went perfectly.

Here, have some apple juice.

Take it easy there missy.

You had a major surgery.

Now you're gonna feel some minor discomfort over the next day or so.

You'll be advised to take tomorrow off of work.

If you feel any sharp pains in your pelvic region you call our emergency hotline at any time, ok?

Hello, dear.

This is for you.

Well, you made your recipient very happy.

Do you have anyone picking you up?

Oh, uh, I ordered a car service.

Good.

Um, working with you, it was uh, you were...thanks.

Bye.


I used part of the money to start my own theater company which is what I think Isabella would have wanted.

Sometimes I find myself scanning the audience thinking "Is she out there?

Did she bring my spawn?"

It's weird I can't really think of myself as somebody's mom, but I'm glad, really glad that I was able to do this one good thing.

What matters is not fame, not glamour, not the things I used to dream of, but the ability to endure.

To bare my cross and faith.

And when I think of my vocation, I'm not afraid of life.

You're on a journey.

You know where you're headed.

I'm still wandering around in a chaos of daydreams and images.

I don't know where I'm headed or why.

I don't know what my calling is.

Sshh.

I'm going now.

Goodbye.

When I become a great actress, come and see me act?

Stay.

I'll catch you some supper.