Paranormal Movie (2013) Script

There we go, make your momma proud.

Hey, Larry, let's go play some catch.

Go throw the ball around.

Get your mitt. (PANTING)

Larry, get your mitt, let's go throw some...

Let's go play some... (SCREAMS)

Jesus, Larry, you scared me. Don't sneak up on me like that.

Where's your... (GASPS) Larry!

Jesus, stop doing that. You know I have a bad ticker.

Now, where's your baseball, let's find your baseball.

Maybe it's under the... (GASPS)

How the hell did you get under the bed?

Come on, Larry. Let's find your mitt.

Where's your mitt? Let's stop horsing around here, and let's go throw the ball.

Where is that glove? I don't see... What?

Okay. Oh, my God. I'm onto you. I'm onto you.

You crazy little fucker.

(GASPS) Stop doing this to me, Larry.

There's two of you. (GASPS)

I can't take any more. I can't...


But I ran.

I ran so far away.

I couldn't get away.


LARRY: How are you doing? What are you doing?

Just driving around, filming people.

LARRY: How are you doing? Stop.

Are you still here? How are you doing?


LARRY: How are you doing, man? What's up?

How you doing, dude?

You get paid for this? LARRY: No. For fun.

Are you in high school or something? No, 40 years old.

LARRY: Where are you going? You're acting weird LARRY: I'm not weird. (GIRL SCREAMS)



Hey, buddy! What did you bench today?

What the hell are you doing? Huh?

Get the... Get out of here.

LARRY: Hey, Roger, you wanted to see me?

Yeah, Larry. You're fired.

LARRY: Okay. So...

LARRY: How do you rate our date so far? Do you film everything?

Well, I wanted to capture our first kiss.


(CHUCKLES) Oh. Really? Okay.

Oh, Jesus. Okay. You all right?

Oh, my God.

I'm meeting my girlfriend's parents for the first time, and I just took the biggest dump of my life.

(CLATTERING) It won't flush. It won't flush.


CINDY: Honey, is everything okay in there?



LARRY: Today's the day my girlfriend moves in.

Hopefully she doesn't have too many boxes.

Hi, honey! How are you?

Yes. Oh, God.


I think I lost the baby.

LARRY: What? I think I had a miscarriage.


(SHOUTING) Are you filming this?


LARRY: Okay, so this is the house I inherited from Grandma.

Those lanterns at the front were from Paris. Stole 'em.

You know, if you come over here, I talked to a lot of sculptors, and I wanted to capture the moment that I discovered masturbation.

That's a Playboy I'm reading, and a lot of times my dog, Rex, would watch me masturbate.

It got so annoying that I'd have to climb a tree just to get away from Rex, because it made me creepy that he'd watch me.

That is a desk my grandma actually died at.

And we just kept it the same way.

This couch was a find. I had it in college.

Wiped the pee stains out of it.

Oh, oh, these tusks are an interesting story.

I was in Mexico and I was drunk and I hit an animal I didn't really know what it was, but I cooked it up and ate it.

And I think look pretty darn good.

Bitch getting that through customs.

This is our dining room.

Oh, this is a nice, interesting piece.

This piece represents the story of a small, black child in the South, a slave, making her way North to safety in Harriet Tubman's Underground Railroad.


This is the kitchen, where we do a lot of stuff.

Over here is the fridge, the refrigerator.

This is where we do a lot of our product placement.

And come over here. Oh, wait, go back.

And this is great. This is an interesting thing.

Last night, I cooked the best cheese sandwich of my life. I put it right up on top there.

And the cheese melted perfectly.

The best thing I've ever had in my life. This, uh...

That's my pig.

There's a paper mache replica of my dog, Dog Byron.

Good guy.

And there's Cindy.


Watching her favorite TV show.


Here's the backyard.

A lot of party going on out here. You bet. We eat there, sometimes.

This is the pool and that's the...

One-Eyed Willie cleans the pool automatically.

Don't have to do jack squat.

That stop sign is an interesting story.

I plowed into that. Once again, drunk.

And rather than wait for the cops, I took it.

This is our bedroom.

So this is where all the paranormal activity has been happening.

We've been hearing a lot of loud bangs at night.


What was that? I don't know. I just banged on the wall.

Why'd the lights go out?

Oh, I had scream lights installed.


They turn on and off when you scream.

Oh, well, let's just be really quiet and see if we hear any odd noises.



Why'd you scream now?

I don't know.

Good thing I can't get you to reach orgasm or our lighting bill would be enormous.


What is that? What was that?

I don't know. Something happened.

I heard something.

LARRY: What was that? I don't know. (GASPS)

CINDY: No, it's okay. It's just my keys. LARRY: Oh, boy.

LARRY: Okay. Did you hear that? CINDY: Shh.

I mean, did you hear that? Shh.

Tell me. (SCREAMS) It's okay. It's just a lamp.

LARRY: Okay. Okay.

I heard that. I heard something. CINDY: Shh.

(LARRY SCREAMS) CINDY: It's okay, it's just Snooki.


Larry, what are we gonna do? Something is really strange in this house.

(SIGHS) I'm just going to keep on filming.

Then, when we know exactly what we're up against, we'll be in the perfect place to take care of it!

Oh, my God. Are you all right?

The battery's low.

Oh, no, baby. (KISSING SOUNDS)

Looks like somebody... You're so hot.

Oh, no. Something's wrong with you. I don't know what I'd do without you.

I don't know what I'd do without you.

These are great green beans, Cindy. Thank you.

Wait. Who are you?

Cindy refused to sleep with the director, so he killed her off.

I'm your new girlfriend, Katie. Oh, right!



Did you hear that? Yeah, I did. What is it?

I don't know. It's coming from the basement.

KATIE: Baby, I'm scared.

Don't worry about it. Everything's going to be okay.

I've got a camera.

LARRY: Oh, it's William Katt. Hey, Larry.

I forgot. William Katt lives in our basement.

KATIE: Hi, Bill. Hi. How are you?

How could you forget, man? LARRY: I'm sorry.

Hey, Bill, I got a question. Have you heard anything strange going on?

We've been hearing weird noises and doors opening and closing for no reason and stuff.

Could be gnomes. Gnomes?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, gnomes. They're like little leprechauns.

They get in through the walls. They cause all kinds of problems.

You gotta watch out for them. Okay.

Hey, do we have any strong sedatives in the house?

Sedatives? Yeah, I need something that's gonna knock a 400-pound woman on her ass.

I've been keeping this girl down in the basement for about half a year, and I feed her nothing but 18 pounds of catfish every day.

She's gotten so fat, she can't even move anymore.

She's completely dependent on me to keep her alive.

That's terrible. Yeah.

But, you know, when you've been as famous as I have, for as long as I have, you've got to do whatever you can to get your rocks off, right?

What? Whoa! God damn it! Look out! Look out!

Whoa! What?

Did you see him? LARRY & KATIE: What?

The gnome? LARRY: A gnome?

KATIE: Gnome? Oh, come on, Larry.

You didn't see the gnome? KATIE: No.

BILL: It was right there.

LARRY: I didn't see it.

You know, I did a little angel dust a little while ago.

I don't know, maybe that's it.

I think you dropped something, Bill.

LARRY: Yeah, you dropped something. What's that?

Is that...

KATIE: Is that a finger?

Oh... Oh, yes.

Yes, indeed. That is a finger.


I won this off a Somali pirate some years ago in a game of five-finger fillet.

Little bastards. Not nearly as good with the blade as you'd think they are.

Okay. All right. Going back down to my basement.

Goodbye. Goodbye, Larry. Goodbye.

LARRY: Good night. BILL: Good night.

KATIE: Good night, Bill. BILL: Have a good one.

LARRY: Have a good one. Jesus!

BILL: God damn it! Son of a bitch!

LARRY: Look out! Look out. BILL: Fuck. God damn!

Watch out for those little fuckers, man. LARRY: Okay.

You can't be too careful. LARRY: Okay.

Okay? LARRY: Yeah.

LARRY: Love that guy.

LARRY: Can we do a sound test real quick?

I want to see how good this mike is. What should I do?

Just whisper something creepy.


Okay. But this time try to speak up. I'm testing the mike here.

Okay. One more time.


LARRY: Okay, go ahead!


Wow! This mike is really good. It's like you're standing right...


Okay. That looks pretty good.

Are you gonna have that camera on every night now?

We have to if we want to catch this thing in action.

All right. Camera man, what do you think?

I'm flying a 12K par on a condor and a couple of 650s with CTB for an ang light, nigga.

Where do you want me, sir? What scene number is this again?

What was that? LARRY: I don't know.



It's coming from here.

Wait! Composer?

Yes, sir.

Can I get a little scary music swell here, please?

Of course, sir.


(SIGHS) Don't worry. It's just a vibrator.

Why would it go off on its own?

I don't know. Must have some sort of timer on it.

Why would a vibrator have a timer on it?

I don't know.

So you know when to go (BLEEP) yourself?

Hey, wait. Why was that (BLEEP) bleeped?

Because, sir, the distributors want you to maintain a PG-13 rating.

So I can't say (BLEEP)? I'm afraid not.

I can't say pig (BLEEP)? No, you can't say that either.

Well, what good does it do in a scary movie if I can't say pig (BLEEP)?

I'm sorry.

But the script has a gnarly decapitation scene where a paraplegic woman gets raped and brutally murdered.

Yeah, and that's fine.

The MPAA doesn't care about shocking violence as long as you don't say any naughty words.

I see.

I feel better.

What the (BLEEP)?

Okay. Nothing out of the ordinary.

Yeah, just...

Wait. Whoa. Where's the clown?

Oh, there he is. (CHUCKLES)

Yeah, no biggie, right?

KATIE: No, seems like a normal night.

You know, I was thinking about calling a psychic to help with our problem.

We don't need a psychic for that. The pump I ordered came in yesterday.

No, not that problem.

The problem with our house being haunted.

Oh! I know a great psychic we could call.

He's a waiter at the dim sum place.

He's always sticking notes in my dessert.

What does it say?

"Cheer up, it's only chlamydia."

There's a lot of truth to that. Yeah. A lot.

Listen, Katie, this is a serious matter.

I don't think we can rely on Chinese mumbo-jumbo.

Okay, this is what we need.

You mind zooming in here? I don't feel like getting up.

Okay. This guy's been a practicing psychic for over 500 years.

He even attended a psychic retreat in India for two weeks.

That's a foreign country. Yeah. Exactly!

For a one-time fee, he'll not only communicate with spirits, but he'll also pop out a dent in your car.

Okay. We're just waiting for our psychic to arrive.


Look at that. Perfect timing.

Not really. Wish that would have happened about 10 seconds ago.

But here we go.

Hi. Hi, there, folks.

We are going door to door doing missionary work for the Church of the Latter-day Saints.

We'd like to share our message of peace and love.

Here, take a pamphlet. It just says, "Fuck the Jews."

LARRY: Oh, you know what? We're already fans of Mel Gibson, but we appreciate it. Thanks for coming.

Hold on a minute. Hold on, Larry. Hold on. Hold on.

These folks are from the Mormon church.

The Mormon church, right? That's right.

Yes, yes. We are.

Well, that is wonderful. Absolutely wonderful.

I want to hear all about it, all right? Great.

Let's go down into the basement, and we can talk down there.

I have so many questions. Great.

Okay, let's go, all right.

Hey, let me ask you something.

Do you know how to get semen out of cat fur?

'Cause I have been trying for the longest time.

You know... And I used baby powder and detergent.

(WHISPERS) Where's our cat?


Hi! KATIE: Hi.

I'm Dr. Lipschitz. KATIE: Nice to meet you.

Good to meet you, too, darling.

So, why we're here.

You think something paranormal is occurring within this residence.

Yes, there's been lots of odd things happening, with wall noises, doors squeaking, lights switching on and off, dildos turning on...



You certainly have some type of presence here. Nice pink.


What will happen to us, Doctor?

Well, the events you have been describing are going to slowly get worse.


Ghosts know formula. Mmm-hmm. I mean, for the first, like, 45 minutes, they'll slam doors and whisper your name.

But then things will escalate, and the last 10 minutes should be quite compelling.

But, Doctor, why is this ghost after us? What does it want?

Well, I believe Larry knows the answer to that.

Don't you, Larry?


LARRY: Well, it's true.

It all happened when I was 15 years old.

I had an imaginary friend named Toby, and Toby and I would... Oh, wait, wait, wait!

Oh, my God. If we're going to have a flashback moment, somebody else ought to be behind the camera.

I mean, really, where's the dramatic effect with you on the wrong side of the lens?

He's got a point. I'm filled with points.

Well, yeah, this is... This is better.

Um, okay.

It all started when I was 14 years old.

My dad had just passed away from alcohol poisoning.

He drank 144 non-alcoholic beers.

That's a gross.

KATIE: That is gross.

No... Never mind.

My stepdad used to like to videotape me at night.

He even went so far as to put a video camera in my room.

I could never figure out why.

LARRY'S STEPDAD: All right. Let's have some dancing


Oh, yeah. Oh, dance the night away!

Oh, get into it. Go, Larry!

Yeah. All right.

It's bed time. Why don't you put on your PJs?


These ones?

Oh, no, no, no. Not those. Not those.

Let's, uh, put the training ones on.

Yeah. This one?

Oh, yeah. Oh, those are steamy.

Oh, you know, because of the locomotives. (CLEARS THROAT)

Because there's trains on them.

LARRY: I had an imaginary friend named Toby.

And at night we would play different games together.

One hundred...

I taught him how to play hide and seek.

Found you!

He taught me how to get high smoking catnip.


I showed him how to give cool handshakes.

And he taught me how to autoerotic asphyxiate.

My stepfather had set up a camera in our living room mounted to an oscillating fan.

Mostly for his own amusement.

You know, looking back at it, I don't know why anyone would want to document themselves doing mountains of cocaine.

But, hey, that was my stepdad.

He had his ways.


It got worse two days later.

My stepdad came into my room to play a game of catch and next thing I know I was being questioned by the police.

Apparently his brains and his hemorrhoids exploded simultaneously.

He died instantly.

And, you know, I just knew it had to be Toby.



I woke myself snoring. Excuse me.

KATIE: It sounds like Larry was possessed.

Can you help us, Doctor? I'm afraid I can't, Katie.

What I sensed when I walked in here and what Larry has now just confirmed, this is not a ghost we're dealing with, honey.

This is a demon.

What's the difference?

Well, a ghost will sell you crack on a street corner.

But a demon will wash your crack and sell it back to you.

No, I'm sorry. That's a drug dealer and a hooker.

This is terrible. I know it is, Katie.

The jokes are stale, the plot unoriginal, but nothing we can do about it, so...

I suggest we do what Brendan Fraser does.

Take that money and run. Maybe there's something we can do.

Should we move out of the house?

No, I'm afraid that won't work either, Larry, you see, this demon is attached to you, so if you leave this house, it ain't gonna make a difference.

I suggest you stay here.

Plus, save you a bundle on below-the-line budget.


Well, I mean, should we try to communicate with it?

I mean, find out what it wants?


No, I don't recommend that either. You see, when you start to communicate with this kind of creature, you open the door for it to come on in.

So we should just do nothing? Mmm-hmm.

Yeah. Absolutely nothing. We should do absolutely nothing.

And end the movie right here.

Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!

Never mind. I got nothing.

No, wait, wait, wait. There is an alternative.

Oh, yes. Here we are.


Call him.

I don't know if he's any good, but he is an expert.

I'll be outside if you need me.

He took your dildo. Yeah.

We should call Jack Goff.

(SIGHS) I can't believe this is all happening.

Promise me you'll call that expert tomorrow?

LARRY: I don't know, Katie. It's only 45 minutes into the movie.

Why don't we just wait until things get a lot worse?

What am I going to do if something happens to you?

You'll probably marry up.

Listen, why don't we just put all this ghost business behind us, at least for tonight, huh?

I like the sound of that. But, Larry?


Remember what I told you about filming me when I'm on the toilet?

Only do it when you're doing number one? Exactly.

Larry, film us making love.

I want you to capture our essence, our passion.

Our deepest, darkest desires.

I want to feel like Kim Kardashian, if only for one night.

LARRY: Oh, yeah, baby. Yeah.

This is going to be the most tasteful sex tape ever made.

Yeah. Get ready to have your world rocked.








LARRY: Ooh. Bad dog.









DEMON: Oh, no, you didn't.



DEMON: Oh! You mean I can't say (BLEEP)?

(BLEEP) this (BLEEP) movie!

KATIE: Larry!

LARRY: What is it? What is it?

LARRY: Are you okay? Look!

They've already pirated the movie.

Fast-forward a little bit.

What is this?


It's like watching a pirated version of our lives.

It's a found-footage movie, within a pirated movie of a found-footage movie.

I don't get it.

It's April 14th, 2011.

We just got back from the Justin Bieber concert.

And our house is completely torn apart.

KATIE: They take anything?

Everything seems to be here.

I called the police department and they said I should just document everything for their amusement.

Wow, whoever this was they even trashed the script.

And wiped their ass with it, too.

KATIE: Larry, come here!

What is it?

I can't find your penis pump anywhere.

It's all that seems to be missing. Oh, damn it!

That was $19.95, plus $25 shipping and handling.

KATIE: I know! That's where they get you.

Maybe Bill Katt heard something.

LARRY: Hey, Bill. Hey.

Hey, we were wondering if you heard anything?

Well, I heard you knock at the door. That's why I'm here.

No, I mean earlier.

Well, you'll have to be more specific than that, okay?

I mean, I have the memory span of a sea sponge, so...

Okay, I'd say around 11:30.

(WHISPERS) 11:30. Hmm.

Who the hell are you?

Bill, this is a disaster. I mean, just look at it.

Certainly is. You should be ashamed of yourself, man.

Haven't you heard that godliness is next to cleanliness?

You could mop my floor with your tongue and not get sick.

Believe me, I've forced many people to do just that and they're all in spectacular heath, okay?

Bill, are you okay, man? You've got blood all over you.

Oh, what? This is beet juice, dude.

All right? I drink four cups of it every day.

Keeps the erectile dysfunction at bay.

Really? Okay, I'll just remember that.

Look, I can't believe somebody would break into a house and not take anything.

You know what I mean? Maybe it's not even a person at all.

What are you talking about? Like gnomes?

Gnomes? Good God, man, don't be silly. It could be the Jews.

Jews? Yeah!

You see a house, it gets broken into, you immediately suspect blacks, right?

You see, what no one is thinking about is Jews.

Bill, I think we have a bigger problem on our hands than Jews.

Yeah, like what? Koreans. Those little sneaky bastards!

No. No. A demon. A demon? (HICCUPS)


That's just something the body does when you inhale baby powder on an empty stomach.

Don't worry about that.

No, I mean those screams. Oh, just don't worry about that.

That's what they do when they're hungry, right?

Mamby-pambies, they can't go a day without food!

Shut up!

Hey, I survived six weeks in the Kalahari desert, eating nothing but the corns off my feet.


We're done, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thanks.

You want something to eat? I'll give you something to eat, you little fuckers!

Holy crap.



Yeah, I think we'd better call a security guy.

People don't take security seriously.

Sure, they'll install five or six cameras here and there, but you're not going to catch anything with that, other than maybe the top of a burglar's head.

And maybe the love of your life cheating on you with some handsome security guy.

Oh, I'm so sorry. Did that happen to you?

That's okay.

I later killed the man and stole his identity.

You need to take safety seriously.

You should install cameras in every nook and cranny in this house.

LARRY: Well, how many cameras are you talking about here?

Oh, I don't know.

A place this size, I'd recommend at least

600. 600 cameras?

Isn't that overkill? Overkill?

Was it overkill when I called that security guy for protection and he didn't use any when he fucked my wife?

Cameras are all very small. You won't even notice them.

LARRY: Okay, well, we'll just do whatever you think is necessary.


Was it necessary for me to cut off that security guy's balls and hang them over my rearview mirror like a pair of fuzzy dice?

LARRY: No? No?

Did my wife say no when that security guy told her to bend over and take it like a man?

I like the couches.

♪ Tastes so good

♪ Yeah, this is how we make the money

♪ This is how we make that cash

♪ Since this movie's out of money

♪ This is how we make it fast

♪ This is how we make the money ♪

DEMON: Yeah!

You see how it goes down?

And now you see how it goes up?

I can do whatever I want to do with this fucking stupid chandelier.


Let me see what they have here.

Light beer.

All they have is light beer.

So sick of this place.

When I'm 18, I'm so out of here.

Wake up, bitches. (CACKLES)

I'm going to run the water bill so high, you don't know what hit you.

Maybe that will teach you some lesson.


Come here, little piggy.

I pick you up from here, and I put you over there.

No bacon for you, bitch.

This place sucks!


Ah! I'm going to smoke some weed.

Light up. Come on!

Yes. Bitch weed.


(WHISPERS) That shit kicks in fast.


What's that? What's that?

Hello! Is somebody there?


Man, I'm freaking out.

It sounds like just a series of odd events to me.

I think you're just overreacting, Larry.

No, Sheila, this would be overreacting.

We got a goddamn demon in our house!

No, that's overacting. And you're good at that, Larry.

Larry, get that out of the pool.

Maybe you're right. Maybe this is all in our heads.

(GROANING) Doesn't it feel better just to say that?

Yeah, it does.

I mean, Larry's got a vivid imagination.

I guess it just rubbed off on me.

(GROANING CONTINUES) You're going to be fine.

Sheila, what would I do without you?

You make everything seem like it's going to be hunky-dory.

LARRY: My tit! It will. I promise.

It's sucking my tit off!



I think I have to pee.

DEMON: Ah, what have we here? Angel from heaven.

(CACKLES) I'll show you something tonight to remember, baby.

Ah, yeah. Sucky, sucky.

Yeah. Titty-titty-bang-bang.




What is that?





I told you, you can't be cheap with toilet paper.

You gotta go at least two-ply or people freak out.

DEMON: Yeah, motherfucker. Oh, you like that.

Your pool is gonna be dirty as shit now.

Algae's gonna build up, your pH level's gonna be so fucked up, you won't know what to do.


(BLOWS RASPBERRY) Take that, bitch.


Larry! Larry, what's that?

What was what?


That's just the demon, honey. Go back to bed.

Larry, I'm scared.

Well, then go down and check it out!

You're the man!

I expect you to investigate creepy sounds. Come on!



All right!

Boy, first you want the vote, then you want equal wages.

Why don't you go down and check out creepy sounds?


Do you have to bring the camera?

LARRY: Yes, I do.

Hey! What the hell?

LARRY: Hey, what are you doing in here?

I'm making a found-footage film.

LARRY: No, I'm making a found-footage film!

I was doing it first.

Well, mine's a spoof!

Well, I was making spoofs when you were pooping your diapers, you little fart.

Besides, I starred in a Zucker film.

I starred in a Zucker film.

Look, get out of my house. Get out of my movie.

That doesn't count. You get out of my movie.

Get out of my movie! Get out of my movie!

You get out of my movie.

Get out of my movie! You get out of my movie...


Did somebody call for a demon hunter?

LARRY: I don't think so.

Well, with the economy being in the toilet, I was sure hoping to find a job.

I'm so happy you're here. We haven't slept all night.

Well, you know what you should do is take a light walk before bedtime.

It boosts serotonin levels and promotes relaxation.

LARRY: Is that some sort of ghost hunting tool?

No, it's a cell phone.

I got a new app that locates Christian singles in the neighborhood.

There's a real cutie about four doors down.

Catholic girls like to do anal.


Yeah. I think your place is definitely haunted.

How can you be sure?

I've got a sixth sense.

You can see ghosts?

No, but I can communicate with household pets.

Your goldfish is definitely depressed and probably seen a demon.

What can we do?

Well, he could do with a little of this. There you go, fishy.

She should be better in the morning. That's for sure.

Yeah. She'll get much better in the morning.

Where's my manners? My name's Goff.

Jack Goff.

LARRY: Ah. Nope, no way.

My friends call me Jack. You can call me Jack.

LARRY: What do your enemies call you?

Inmate 2571044.

But that's in the past, God willing.

Listen, I don't mind you filming me, but I'm not going to sign any release forms.

Ever since I did Corky Romano, I've been a little cautious.

LARRY: How do we proceed here?

I'd like to walk around a bit. Get a lay of the land.

LARRY: Have you ever done this before?

Walking? Sure. Ever since I was three years old.

I'd like to think I'm pretty good at it.

LARRY: No. Demon hunting. (SHUSHING)

You hear that?

No. LARRY: No.

Neither do I.

Quick! Go to night vision.

It's going to make it seem a lot more suspenseful, when actually I'm just gonna monolog about my history.

I've been hunting ghosts and dealing with the paranormal for years now.

It all started way back when, when I auditioned for this reality TV show and I landed the lead.

I thought you looked familiar. You were on that show Demon Hunters.

One and the same. 26 episodes.

Yeah, they had me going all over the world.

Chasing down ghosts and haunted houses and such.

LARRY: I thought that stuff was bogus.

There's nothing bogus about a 2.7 ratings share on a Wednesday night, sir.

Yeah, we made it all up.

Yeah, after three years of pretending to hear doors creak and ghosts talk, something really strange happened.

LARRY: You started hearing them for real?

No. We got canceled.

LARRY: Oh, I'm sorry.

It's all right.

Yeah, I got pretty depressed here for a while.

Kept hearing voices in my head going, "You're an idiot, Jack.

"You're a loser, Jack.

"You're a loser. Loser. You're a loser."

At first, I thought it was my intuition.

But then my intuition was telling me it wasn't my intuition.

It was a demon.

So ever since then, I've been using my powers to...

Help all mankind?

(SCOFFING) What? No.

To try to build an audience back, so I can get back on a reality TV show where I belong.



It senses me.

Oh, it senses me, all right.


You feel that?

It senses me, and it doesn't like what it...



Didn't spill a drop.

I'm okay. I think we should check out your bedroom next.

So is this the room where most of the disturbances happen?

Yeah. A lot of them do happen in here.

Yeah. Yeah. I can feel it.

I'm feeling stuff.

It's kind of like a tingling sensation. Who's that whore?

LARRY: What? That's my Aunt Linda.

Yeah. I'm feeling, like, a heat.

Kind of a tingling, tingling feel. I don't know.

Oh! They like to possess stuffed animals a lot.

You know what, that's my grandmother's. Can you not...

Pop. Pop. Hey!

Get over it. She's dead.

She's not dead.

She will be.

All right. They like to creep into walls sometimes.

Feel them out.

LARRY: What is that thing?

That's a, uh... It's an imaging, uh...

You hear stuff with it.

It's a hearing device.

It looks like a stethoscope. LARRY: Yeah.

It's getting warm. It's a warm kind of a feeling that I...

You know what, can you not...

It's okay, Katie. I'm a professional ghost hunter.

You know what...

Oh, ho, ho! Bingo!

Look what we got here. The possession of a vampire, Count Juggula!

LARRY: You know what, I don't think that's appropriate at all.

All right. Jeez, I was just kidding around.

All right, where's your bathroom anyway?


Got a little dribble.


Yeah, I'd wash that if I were you.

All right. LARRY: You were in there for a while.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Focus up. Let's get to work.

All right, let's do a little peeping.

Got anything? Nothing.

Hope I didn't lose him.

Nothing there. Damn it!

Where, oh, where could you be?

Oh, yeah, I'm getting something.

Yeah, it's big. It's real big.

I'm getting a rod. (LAUGHING)

LARRY: All right, that's enough!

Hey, man. It's cool. We're cool, right?

LARRY: Yeah. Come on, Goff.

JACK: All right. This is what's called a thermal imaging camera.

Let's just scan the area for anything out of the ordinary.

How does this thing work?

JACK: I got no ideas. I just like the pretty colors.

Just stand over there. Let me get a reading.


Right here? Okay.


Good God! I got a reading. I got a reading.

What? Where? (FARTS)

Jesus. This thing's amazing. What? What do you see?

God dang it! I lost him. I lost him.

Wait. Wait. (FARTS)

I think it's trying to communicate with us.

Well, okay, what is it saying?

I'm not sure. The message may be too advanced for our feeble human minds to comprehend.

Ah, damn it! I lost him.

We know where you are, you son of a bitch!


I brought in a cognitive psychologist to help relate to your demon you got there, Larry.

I'm Dr. Luni. But you can call me Ima.

Ima Luni.

Sounds like you're the guy I'm here to see.


Pretty hot for a doctor, right, honey? I mean, wow.

KATIE: Larry, get to the point. Right. No.

So tell me what you're seeing.

Yeah, you know. I've been living in the house.

It's just been weird that all of sudden I get taken over by a demon.

I think it's got to be a demon, 'cause it makes me say stuff and do things I would never do.

But it takes over me and I don't know how to stop...


This is the demon inside of Larry!

And he's thinking that you're pretty hot, and maybe you, Katie and me could go out to dinner and drinks sometime and maybe get to know each other and fool around, I don't know.

Whoa, God! It happened. It happened.

What did it say?

Nothing. He just introduced himself.

Oh, that's... That's weird.

Usually he's a lot more forward.

He's a demon, he's kind of a dick... He didn't say anything?


Get the cotton out of your ears, you dummy! I'm talking about fucking!

I'm a demon, let's get it on. You, me and Katie! Come on, baby.

I can fuck all night, I can fuck all night.

Whoa, man. Oh, boy. Felt that one. That was a big one.

What'd he say?

He gave me a recipe for chocolate chip cookies.

Cookies? Yeah.

Oh, that's bizarre.

Weird. Sometimes he says stuff that's really rude.

I'm talking about a threesome, you dumbass. I'm talking about me...

I'm talking about a foursome. Me, you, Katie and you.

We all get it on. We'll go upstairs and watch dirty movies, get in the bathtub, put some hot lotion on us.

We can jerk it and suck it and fuck it all night.

Sticking fingers in holes, you get it front side, I'll get backside, up top and we're going to get to town and... (GRUNTING)

Whoa. My goodness. I got possessed.

I think I had your guy!

No, I don't think you did, because she's the doctor and I know it doesn't jump people.

No, it does. I'm a demon hunter and this one, I think he was Italian and really strong.

No, I don't think it was, 'cause I don't think...

My demon...

The fuck are you doing, Goff? Get the hell outta here!

This is my thing going on here.

Why do you have to be so selfish all the time, for God's sake?

I'll just sit in the corner and whack off.

What the fuck? I don't want to see you whack off!

My dick won't even touch your dick!

I don't wanna see your fucking dick!

Wait! Stop! Enough!


(DEMONIC VOICE) Oh, my goodness! I'm going to hit you!

I'm going to fucking kill you, you fucking psychos!

I fucking can't stand the two of you!

I'm going to fucking pepper spray both of you!


What just happened? That was so weird.

I feel like I was possessed!

What did I say?

BOTH: You said you wanted to have sex with...

Me. Us.

No, me. Us. All of us.


My demon has a big dick, did I tell you that?

Shut up, Goff.

KATIE: Nice one, guys.

That was a bust. Jeez.

Hey, I was possessed. Well...

I was possessed. Yeah. Me...

KATIE: Sure, Larry.

I was, Katie.


We still got, Katie.

We could probably get a threesome going. Shut up, Goff!

Come on, jeez.

Well, that was a bust, huh? Sorry.

KATIE: Can we please figure out how to talk to this demon?

Hey, you want to put a sock in it, hot pants?

Big boys are talking here.

Whoa, hang on a minute.

All right, all right. Sorry about that.

All right, listen. Demon! Demon!

Demon, I'm trying to communicate with you right now, listen up!


I know you're a supernatural being and probably prefer to communicate through grunts or unidentifiable noises.

So let's keep this simple.

One grunt means "yes," two grunts mean "no."

How does that sound?


Okay, I think I just got a "yes" and another "yes."

This is going great. Okay!

We're on a roll here.

Demon, um...

Can you see us?


All right. This is great.

Demon, are you the only presence here?


All right.

Demon, have you been with Larry all his life?


Oh, okay.

Hey, Demon, have you ever, like, sharted?

DEMON: Uh-huh.

Oh, man, I knew it!

I shart all the time.

I sharted on the way over here, that's why I asked, 'cause my underwear is full.

KATIE: Enough with the sharting.

All right, honey, I had a question, okay?

Why don't you just let me talk to him?

Hold on a second! Let me talk to him for a second.

Hang on.

What is it that you want from us?


What was that? KATIE: Something fell in the kitchen.

JACK: Maybe he's trying to communicate with us.

LARRY: He wants us to use the Louigi board.

What's a Louigi board?

Well, it's just like the real one, but we don't have to get clearance from Hasbro.

It's working. It's working!


Write this down. Write this down. "I."

Are you moving it?


"M." He put an "M" in there.

You know what, Larry, can we get a crossfade on this thing?

'Cause it's taking a long time.

"D." Put a "D" down.

What does it say?

"I'm extraordinarily bored."


God damn, you're black-hearted, Demon. Come on!

Quit playing games!

LARRY: Well it is a game.

What do you want from Larry? What?

Answer us!

Put your hands on here. Let's get this done.


Hey, Larry, can we just go montage? I'm getting kind of tired here.


Oh, no! The demon killed Grandma!

ALL: Oh!


I get to go to hell!

ALL: Yay!


The demon says I'm an alcoholic!

ALL: Whoa!


The demon gave me herpes, and I gave it to you!



You shut your fat faces! Why am I angry?

We shouldn't be playing this.

ALL: Louigi!

JACK: "E." All right. Jeez, what do we got?

Looks like a poem.

"Winter wind of death blows, "love smells sweet, soon we'll be one."

What does that mean?

LARRY: That's not a poem. That's a haiku.

That's not a haiku.

Guys, I took a class in college, okay?

For it to be a poem, it has to rhyme.

LARRY: Good point, honey.

My nose is running.

That's a poem. Shut up!

Okay, what this poem is trying to tell us...

Uh, haiku. Shut up.

This poem is saying there's one thing for certain that this demon is in love with you!

LARRY: Get out of here! What are you talking about?

No, it is. It's in love with you.

Read between the lines. Look at it.

It's saying it wants you and nobody else to have you!

That is why he's been with you your whole life.

That's why you killed your stepfather!

How'd you know that?

I saw the first half of this movie. Any good?

Eh... Well, what you're saying is...

What I'm saying is, we've got to kill this demon before it kills Katie.

Here! Dramatic effect!

Zoom in on Katie's face for this one.

We've got to kill this demon before it kills, Katie!

Okay, how do we kill it?

We kill it with this.


Your demon exists in a completely different plane of reality, but with this lens we got right here, oh, yeah, this lens focuses kinetic energy emitted from all kinds of different objects in the view and then focuses this energy with a phased array of infrared detectors, and elements, thus transmitting the electromagnetic pulses and allowing us to view alternate planes of reality.

So that's what you got.

And we'll be able to definitely see your demon in the flesh.


That's what I got for you.

I have no idea what you just said to me, but I know you've been drinking all day.

What? Are you a drink counter, boy?

No, I'm saying you're an alcoholic.

Yeah, yeah, I already got a mother, so shut it.

LARRY: This looks exactly the same.

What are you talking about?

It's all blurry right there and the edges are blacked out.

LARRY: Check upstairs.

We gotta go this way then.

LARRY: Okay, you see anything? Nothing yet.

LARRY: Okay, if you see something, just give me a tap on the fanny.

What? No.

Oh, look out! Look out!

Leave my bitch alone, Jack-me-off!


JACK: What was that?

LARRY: It's a scream light. (SCREAMS)

(SCREAMING) It's gone. It's gone.

Where the fuck is it? Where'd it go?

What was that?

I don't know. I don't...


Suck the devil's dick, bitch!



LARRY: He shivved you!

The little bastard.


LARRY: Wow! That's... KATIE: Larry!

LARRY: Whoa.

JACK: What happened? Are you okay?

Oh, my God! What?

Are you okay? You're...

Are you okay? Do I look okay?

I just got shivved by a demon up there!


Okay, okay. I got one last idea for you two.


Run. Run. That's what I say!

I'm used to TV show blood.

This is my blood. Real blood. Ugh!

Too real for me. I'm out of here. Goodbye!

Larry, I think we should get out of here.

Nah, I think we should stick around, see what happens.


Want to go to bed? Yeah. Sure.


I can't sleep with that demon growling!

Neither can I.

How are we going to sleep, Larry?

I'm going to call Dr. Conrad Murray.

Hi, Conrad. It's me. Yeah, we need you.

Can we get some of that Propofol...

Of course. Great.

Thank you.


I don't care what they say, you're a good man.

Time to pay the piper.




Where am I going?

It's like you're possessed.

Oh, no, I'm lactose intolerant!

My God.

KATIE: Oh, my God.

That looks delicious.


That's just really gay.

Yeah, I'm trying to come up with something clever to end this scene and, uh, I got nothing.

Okay, let's just never watch that again.

LARRY: Katie! Katie!

What? What? LARRY: Help me. Help me.

What? What's wrong? LARRY: Something happened last night.

What happened?

LARRY: Something happened. KATIE: Come here.

I got branded. KATIE: Oh, my God!

The demon branded me with a gun!

Oh, my God, Larry.

It's a gun! It's not a gun.

Larry, that's a... That's a penis.

What are you talking about? He branded me with a gun!

It hurts, Katie! Look at it!

I'm looking. Babe, that's definitely a penis.

Look at it. Now stop it!

I'm looking. Stop it!

It's a handle and a muzzle.

It's balls and a shaft. Stop it!

Stop it now! It's a handle of a gun and a muzzle.

Stop it. It hurts. Balls and a penis and the shaft with a mushroom head.

Katie, that's a silencer!

Get out of here! God almighty!

You don't even know. Larry, I'm calling a priest.

Why would a demon brand a penis on you?

Call a priest, but tell him it's a gun.

It's definitely a penis. I've seen a million of them.

Larry, it has pubic hair.

You don't know what a gun is? It's a gun, it's a gun like this.

I've seen a gun, and I've seen a penis and that is a penis, Larry.


I wonder who this could be.

Oh, no, no, no. We already said we don't want any.

Oh, wait! Do you people do exorcisms? We need a priest.

No, I'm sorry, you need the Catholics for that.

We could use your help, though. We're missing some of our flock.

LARRY: Chickens?

Mormons. Surely, you've seen them.

They were last seen entering your home.

Uh, no, it doesn't ring a bell.

Here, have a look. It's in the script. Page 35.

Oh, yes! Now I see. Yeah.

They were downstairs talking to our squatter, Bill.

Actually, I prefer house guest.

I have a question. Let me ask you all something.

If you were stranded on the ocean, dying of thirst, would it be better to drink sea water or your own urine?

Now, think about it, think about it.

Let's go down into the basement and we'll discuss it.

Okay? Come on.

Thank you. Okay.

It would be urine, right?

I'm going to call right now.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Thank you for calling the Catholic Priest Hotline.

For English, press 1. For Latin, press 2.


If you are male and under the age of eight, press 1, and a priest will be with you immediately.

If you or a loved one has been possessed by a demonic presence, press 2.


Your call will be answered in the order it was received.

Current wait time is 45 minutes.

LARRY: Must be busy.

Should have called on a school day.

Please enjoy some music while you wait.


The priest said he'll be here as soon as he can.

Good. Good. Good. We can't risk falling asleep.

I have to stay up all night long.

Oh, goody! Look, there's a marathon of Glee on tonight.



What was that?

I don't know. I'm gonna go check it out.

No. Don't, Larry!

Don't worry about it. I've got this special lens.

I'll be able to see the demon if it comes anywhere near me.

That makes sense. Yeah. Don't worry about it.




You there?


Bill, are you here?


Thank God you're here, man. Hey, have you seen my socks?

No, but I have heard noises coming from down here.

Oh, don't mind that. That's just my Mormon centipede.

Did you say Mormon centipede?

Yeah, I operated on those Mormons, I created a being connected through their gastral system.

Mouth to anus.

They're right here.



I was so bored, I started to improvise.

Oh, not this again.

Well at least I'm in the front this time.

LARRY: Bill, come here. What are you doing, Bill?

Why would you go do this? Why would you do something so terrible?

Well, I like Legos, Larry, and I couldn't find any, all right?

We're not talking about Legos here, Bill.

We're talking about that monstrosity!

I don't know why I do the things that I do.

I mean, why does anyone do anything, for God's sake!

I don't know.

When you've lived a life like I've lived, growing up with celebrity parents.

I've been on Broadway. I've worked with Fosse and Brian De Palma.

I've done Carrie, First Love, Big Wednesday, House, Greatest American Hero. It all just gets so freaking dull, okay?

So incredibly dull!

Dude, I've traveled the entire world.

I've gone from Los Angeles to Orange County.

I've taken cyanide, I've driven a bus off the Malibu freeway.

None of it interests me, man, all right?

None of it!


Oh, good for you, man. Good for you!

You made me say it!

Blood no longer runs to this part of my body, okay?

So, yeah, I'll surgically alter a group of Mormons.

Or I'll swallow a rubber duck, just to see the look on the X-ray technician's face, but none of it interests me, man, all right? None of it!

I understand, Bill.

Do you?

No, actually. No, not at all.

But I do have something that might be right up your alley.

How would you like to help me destroy a demon?


Destroy a demon? That's right.

Hey, a demon destroyer? Uh-huh.



Larry, you just gave me the first natural hard-on I have had in 15 years, dude!

That's awesome. 'Cause this guy's caused me a lifetime of despair.

Haunted our house, possessed me through my anus, and now I'm afraid he's going to force me to kill Katie.

Okay. What's your plan? I don't got one.

Well, then it's a good thing I do.

All right, what is it?

Okay, the first thing we're going to do, we're going to get you possessed.

Party time! Twinky, twinky.

Winky, winky.


(SHOUTING) You go down, Bill! Go around!

Get that bad guy!


God damn, I'm funny.

Go get 'em.



Sorry, guys. Almost forgot the camera.


Larry, you okay?


KATIE: Who's there? Father Berkowitz.

Thank God you're here. Father Berkowitz, thank you for coming.

My boyfriend. He's possessed.

Don't worry your little tuchus, sweetheart.

We'll take care of the fakakta demon and I'll even do three more, if you have them, but for the price of two. That's a good deal, right?

Oh, could I turn the heat up? It's a little chilly. My neck gets stiff.

KATIE: Sure. Hope it's not costly, though.

'Cause you know...



The bastard demon shivved me, God damn it!

Miss, I know I'm dying, but could you pay me anyway?

I'd like to have it.

My mother warned me not to convert.

Stay with your own kind! Those Catholics...


You know all the cameras I set up are kind of pointless, if you don't lock your door!





Hi, girl, hi! We've come back for another party, y'all.


I think that guy just stabbed me!

He just stabbed you? He totally just stabbed me!



Jesus Christ! Now he stabbed me!

He just stabbed you, too!

Yeah, he stabbed me, too.

Oh, my God. He just stabbed us both!

That is not cool, Shakira. Totally not cool.


I think there's a dead guy on the floor right there.

Oh, he's deader than this party.

Ew! Let's just leave this whole scene.

Yeah. We're out of Audi.

See ya, wouldn't want to be ya.

Ow. It hurts getting stabbed. It totally hurts, right?

Guys, I'm here for the threesome.




Oh, my God. You just stabbed me.


Guys, I just need one more shot.

KATIE: Is that Ted Striker?


He shivved me!

He shivved me!

Surely you can't be serious.

KATIE: Who's that?

Is that Tom Sizemore?


KATIE: Oh, my God. Hello?

It's Quinton from The Blind Side.

I played Big Mike. KATIE: I love that movie.

I heard some commotion. Just, I got your back.


Said I got your back.


This is some bullshit.

KATIE: I love Sandra Bullock.



Damn it! Just had these done.


Fucking bitch.




Why don't you pick on someone in your own universe, Demon?

Yeah. I tell you what.

Why don't you and I discuss this over a brewski?

Come on, sit over here with me.

You like beer, don't you?


So tell me, why do you want this guy so bad?

(DISTORTED) Well, I don't know.

I mean, really. I've taken shits that are more interesting than him.

(DISTORTED) I don't know.

Wouldn't you want someone with a little more flavor?

Someone with a little more pizzazz?

Someone in the top thousand of IMDb's STARmeter.

(DISTORTED) Oh. Mmm-hmm.

I tell you what. I know you're bored.

Why don't you and I get a little weird?

Just you and me together.

That's right. Look over here.

Right here. Now open your mouth nice and wide.


Whoa! What happened?

Larry, you're back. Oh, Katie!

His plan worked. Bill saved you.

He's the best squatter a guy could ever have.


LARRY: Where are you going, Bill?

To the moon, Larry!

To the fucking moon!


What a guy.

Bye, Bill. Bye, Bill.

This movie is gonna go straight on the fucking DVD.


This fucking sucks! You're looking for a theater release?

No way!

I fucked your tusk and you didn't even know it.

Bunch of fucking losers!


More found footage.